WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.160 I watched beads of rain gather and slide down the 2 00:00:07.160 --> 00:00:11.039 bouldering gym's tall glass wall, streaking the world in watery 3 00:00:11.080 --> 00:00:15.320 greens and grays. The fluorescent lights inside hummed above the 4 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.359 worn crash bads. The place was half empty, ghostly and 5 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:22.640 echoing with the clatter of chalk bags and the muffled 6 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:26.519 thump of someone dropping off a V four. Sam should 7 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:30.000 have been here already. He almost always beat me, claiming 8 00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:32.200 he liked to stretch in the quiet before the post 9 00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:36.560 work crowd surged in. It was our thing Thursday evenings 10 00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:41.359 at vine, sneakers squeaking against resin fake boulders standing in 11 00:00:41.399 --> 00:00:45.320 for the real crags we'd climb on weekends. I kept 12 00:00:45.399 --> 00:00:49.719 checking the door. Thirty minutes passed, then forty five. My 13 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:53.000 phone rested on the mat near by, glowing more often 14 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:57.359 with restock available notifications from the grocery app than anything 15 00:00:57.399 --> 00:01:02.880 from Sam. At fifty six mens, my phone buzzed. Sam 16 00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:06.799 got swamped by last minute changes. Can't make it. Sorry, 17 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:12.239 we'll explain later. No follow up emoji, no trailing, but 18 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:14.640 you'll crush to night or a call back to our 19 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:17.959 running joke about that time I'd sprained my ankle and 20 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.760 finished a root one legged, earning Jim applause and Sam's 21 00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:26.799 endless teasing. Just that stiff removed, like an email to 22 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:30.599 a distant acquaintance. I stared at the screen longer than 23 00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:33.359 I should have, enough that the pattern of his words 24 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:37.040 began to itch. One of the staff, a guy I'd 25 00:01:37.079 --> 00:01:40.319 taught to tape his fingers, nodded in my direction. As 26 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:43.879 I slipped my phone into my bag. Out of habit, 27 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:47.599 I scanned for familiar faces. Sometimes our crew would drop in, 28 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:51.200 even if Sam bylaid that's how it worked. Half our 29 00:01:51.239 --> 00:01:54.280 circle lived within a couple of blocks. At the far wall, 30 00:01:54.599 --> 00:01:58.400 Jordan waved to me, brief and almost sheepish. I smiled, 31 00:01:58.599 --> 00:02:01.640 motioned a quick one more set, but he just shook 32 00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:05.760 his head shrugged. He looked, I don't know, awkward, like 33 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:08.240 he'd seen me at a bad moment, or maybe just 34 00:02:08.280 --> 00:02:12.280 didn't want a chat. That wasn't normal. Usually we'd trash 35 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:16.159 talk each other's lousy technique, swap horror stories about split 36 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:20.680 calluses or Sam's weird chalk rituals. I tried not to 37 00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:24.240 read into it. Maybe Jordan was just tired, Maybe the 38 00:02:24.360 --> 00:02:27.639 rain had everyone in a funk. Maybe I was searching 39 00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:30.919 for something to explain the whole hollowing itself in my chest. 40 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.960 I stretched, put my headphones in, ran a slow lap 41 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:38.599 of easy climbs. Usually I'd text Sam a silly photo 42 00:02:38.759 --> 00:02:41.199 or a new Jim meme, get a string of gifts 43 00:02:41.199 --> 00:02:44.680 in return. Instead, I kept my phone zipped in the 44 00:02:44.719 --> 00:02:47.520 side pocket of my bag. I couldn't decide if I 45 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:50.800 was angry or sad or both. It all churned together, 46 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:53.759 this sense of being left waiting, the sense that to 47 00:02:53.879 --> 00:02:58.000 night wasn't actually the problem, just its shape. We'd both 48 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:01.439 been at that wedding last weekend, dancing with every one 49 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:04.599 but each other, crossing paths at the bar, and clinking 50 00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:08.639 glasses with friends. I remembered how Sam's laughter rang out 51 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:12.039 in pockets of people, especially when he was talking to Amelia. 52 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.680 They'd always gotten on, but that night it seemed like 53 00:03:15.719 --> 00:03:18.919 they were trading secrets, laughing at some punch line I 54 00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:23.319 didn't hear. The wedding seemed like a lifetime ago, even 55 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:26.280 though my dress was still in the laundry basket at home. 56 00:03:27.360 --> 00:03:30.280 After another hour, the rain had let up. I left 57 00:03:30.319 --> 00:03:33.759 the gym, dragging my still damp shoes behind. Me. My 58 00:03:33.879 --> 00:03:37.560 phone pinged with another text from Sam, something about catching 59 00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:40.560 up to morrow, making it up to me, no details, 60 00:03:40.919 --> 00:03:45.280 no time. The city's air felt newly scrubbed and cold. 61 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:49.000 Outside Vine, I paused under the awning wishing he'd just 62 00:03:49.120 --> 00:03:52.400 called me instead of all this polite distance. That's how 63 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:55.960 we done things once, and now it felt like neither 64 00:03:56.039 --> 00:03:58.800 of us knew how to start a real conversation again. 65 00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:02.719 For some reason, that thought was the one that stuck 66 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:06.120 with me all the way home. The loft was quiet, 67 00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:09.919 but somehow messy. Papers spilling from the desk, my sketch 68 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:14.080 books stacked haphazardly with Sam's photography books, the small mountain 69 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:18.399 of climbing gear tangled beneath the kitchen counter. Three years ago, 70 00:04:18.759 --> 00:04:21.680 moving in together had been an adventure, a patchwork of 71 00:04:21.720 --> 00:04:25.920 creative chaos. Both of us freelancers, both convinced we could 72 00:04:25.959 --> 00:04:29.800 build a world out of grit and wildness. We'd chosen 73 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:32.839 this place for its tall ceilings and endless light, the 74 00:04:32.879 --> 00:04:36.920 battered hardwood floor that Sam claimed sounded like an old friend. 75 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:41.600 Limping home, Every nook held evidence of us, half finished 76 00:04:41.639 --> 00:04:45.720 models and colour swatches, rows of succulents that survived mostly 77 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:50.439 by accident. Our mornings had a choreography, Sam up first, 78 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:54.399 padding barefoot to grind beans, and an experiment with brewing methods 79 00:04:54.439 --> 00:04:58.120 that left me both caffeinated and slightly alarmed. He worked 80 00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:01.120 at the kitchen island, laptop and tablet spread in a 81 00:05:01.160 --> 00:05:05.199 hurricane of unfinished projects and empty espresso cups. I'd roll 82 00:05:05.240 --> 00:05:08.360 out ten minutes after him, hair wild, taking my tea 83 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:11.720 back to bed as he called out things like vote 84 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:16.399 lemon yellow or neon orange for this poster. Half the time, 85 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:21.000 deadlines would pass as we debated hypothetical album covers or 86 00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:24.920 weekend hikes to plan. Sometimes he'd look at me across 87 00:05:24.959 --> 00:05:28.560 the sunlight, his eyes still soft from sleep, and I'd 88 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:31.360 feel it to the core, not just luck, but the 89 00:05:31.439 --> 00:05:35.639 rightness of our life, assembled together, two relentless makers orbiting 90 00:05:35.680 --> 00:05:40.360 in the same offbeat solar system. It wasn't Adylick. Sam 91 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:43.759 drove hard, sometimes harder than anyone else could keep up with. 92 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:47.800 He'd vanish into work for days, juggling three side gigs because, 93 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:52.439 in his words, still chasing that creative pinnacle. Sometimes I 94 00:05:52.519 --> 00:05:55.120 felt less like a partner and more like his anchor, 95 00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:57.759 the one who clipped his bills to the fridge who 96 00:05:57.800 --> 00:06:01.079 called him back from his storms. I rescented that role 97 00:06:01.319 --> 00:06:04.319 just enough to notice when it crept back in. But 98 00:06:04.439 --> 00:06:08.040 outside stress, we were a unit. The Sam and Leela Show. 99 00:06:08.360 --> 00:06:10.839 Jordan used to call it falling into new hobbies and 100 00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:13.000 trips at the drop of a hat. It was Sam 101 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:15.959 who convinced me to quit my agency job, promising we'd 102 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:18.639 land on our feet because we make our own luck. Babe. 103 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:23.399 He was always restless, impatient, brilliant too, a dozen wild 104 00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:26.360 ideas for every practical one, the type to text me 105 00:06:26.399 --> 00:06:29.160 at two a m. About a documentary idea or a 106 00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:33.839 root up some forgotten canyon. Our circle overlapped, a messy 107 00:06:33.920 --> 00:06:37.800 ven diagram of old art school friends, creative rivals, ex's 108 00:06:37.800 --> 00:06:41.560 turn confidantes. We made it all work. Nina, who Sam 109 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.040 shot videos with, who never showed up without a story, 110 00:06:44.040 --> 00:06:46.160 who'd end up sleeping on our pull out couch after 111 00:06:46.199 --> 00:06:50.759 too many whisky sours. Jordan, irrepressible and loyal, Amelia who 112 00:06:50.759 --> 00:06:53.759 started as my work mate and ended up well essential. 113 00:06:54.399 --> 00:06:57.519 We d built a tiny village, one that felt deliberate 114 00:06:57.560 --> 00:07:01.959 and chosen, even when it was chaotic, even last weekend, 115 00:07:02.279 --> 00:07:05.240 when we both stood in sequined outfits, promising each other, 116 00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:08.639 more ALP's trips, less client email. It seemed obvious we 117 00:07:08.759 --> 00:07:12.160 keep building something special. I joked about the wild dogs 118 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:15.319 in Croatia, our disaster camping trip, about how we needed 119 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:19.240 another travel fiasco story for our circle. Sam had grinned, 120 00:07:19.480 --> 00:07:23.360 talked vaguely about big things soon. I'd pressed, but he'd 121 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:28.240 side stepped, just said, you'll see that. Distance felt bigger now, 122 00:07:28.560 --> 00:07:31.920 the sort you can't patch with a joke. The next night, 123 00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:36.040 Sam stayed late again. He facetimed as I was making pasta, 124 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:38.720 holding the phone up near his ear so only the 125 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:42.720 far wall of a studio showed behind him. Messy, sure, 126 00:07:43.120 --> 00:07:48.000 but suspiciously tidy where he sat. Sorry, babe, Nina brought 127 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.519 in this last minute brief and everything went nuclear. Don't 128 00:07:51.560 --> 00:07:56.120 wait up. I'd waved off my disappointment, mumbling something about 129 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:59.360 an early bedtime and poked at my bowl, watching the 130 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:02.560 pasta cur earl and stick for a while. I tried 131 00:08:02.600 --> 00:08:06.480 to comfort myself. It's always like this during client crunch. 132 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.639 He'll be back soon and it'll be us against the 133 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:14.160 chaos again. But a pattern surfaced. Three nights in a row. 134 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:17.680 He was late. Once he apologized, once he just texted, 135 00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:21.079 and once he didn't check in at all. The running thread, 136 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:24.560 I realized was a lack of specifics, no detail about 137 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:28.959 where exactly, who was around, or when he'd be done. Friday, 138 00:08:29.120 --> 00:08:32.759 I ordered tie and ate alone, scrolling through reels and 139 00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:36.000 half watching the living room door. It was after nine 140 00:08:36.080 --> 00:08:39.000 p m. When I messaged, are you coming home? Or 141 00:08:39.000 --> 00:08:43.480 should I brush my teeth now? Sam replied five minutes later. 142 00:08:43.919 --> 00:08:47.320 At the studio, Nina and the crew workshopping. The pitch 143 00:08:47.639 --> 00:08:51.639 might run late, love you, love you, sure, But when 144 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.759 it was unusual enough for him to be so vague 145 00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:57.960 that I well, I decided to risk looking a little crazy. 146 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:01.480 There's a bar two blocks from Nina's studio, a place 147 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:05.399 where creative types and freelancers gathered after these late night marathons, 148 00:09:05.639 --> 00:09:10.039 swapping gossip and decompressing. I told myself I'd just swing by, 149 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.960 maybe surprise him, grab a drink, say hi to Nina 150 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:17.240 and their team. The bar was just busy enough to 151 00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:21.000 feel like a neutral ground. I slid past wet umbrellas, 152 00:09:21.360 --> 00:09:26.120 ordered a whisky soda, spotted Nina instantly, vivid red lipstick, 153 00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:30.360 arms thrown wide in animated story telling at a corner table. 154 00:09:31.399 --> 00:09:35.159 I waited for a lull, then drifted over. Hey, Nina, 155 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:38.480 is this the all night production meeting? I tried to 156 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:42.159 sound casual, uncertain if my own nerves made me louder. 157 00:09:43.120 --> 00:09:47.399 She startled a little, never Nina's style, before switching gears smoothly. 158 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:51.879 Oh leela yea, just winding down. Every One else peeled 159 00:09:51.879 --> 00:09:56.799 off already. No Sam, I asked, aiming for breezy but missing. 160 00:09:57.720 --> 00:10:01.720 She blinked, genuinely confused or good at faking it. He's 161 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:04.879 not here. Figured he went home after you too, finished up. 162 00:10:05.480 --> 00:10:08.480 The question mark at the end was unspoken but heavy. 163 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:13.320 I fumbled something about probably just missed him, and retreated quickly. 164 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:18.000 Half Way home, I texted Sam Bar's dead swing by 165 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:22.039 for leftovers if you want. My phone stayed silent for 166 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:26.639 almost forty minutes. When Sam arrived, he barely met my eyes, 167 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:31.399 dropping his bag without his usual dramatic groan. We finished early. 168 00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:34.840 I needed a walk, so I just headed home after. 169 00:10:35.320 --> 00:10:39.080 Sorry for not texting sooner. Didn't see you at the bar. 170 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.840 Nina's there now. He hesitated just briefly enough for me 171 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:47.399 to register, then shrugged. Guess. I went the long way 172 00:10:47.799 --> 00:10:50.320 loop by the lab to drop a card off. Been 173 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:54.720 a weird night. He headed to the shower, brushing past me. 174 00:10:55.759 --> 00:10:59.159 I stood in the kitchen, finger on my phone, pulse 175 00:10:59.240 --> 00:11:02.000 humming between wanting to call him out and wanting to 176 00:11:02.039 --> 00:11:05.039 believe the world was still as simple as Sam just 177 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:09.559 getting lost in another odd errand. The next morning, bleary 178 00:11:09.559 --> 00:11:12.799 eyed over oatmeal, I noticed his phone on the kitchen table, 179 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.240 screen up, notifications flashing. I scrolled past a parade of 180 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:21.799 Slack messages, then froze at a miss call notification Amelia 181 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:27.120 time stamp eleven thirty seven p m. Last night. It 182 00:11:27.159 --> 00:11:29.679 wouldn't be strange if it weren't for the hour and 183 00:11:29.720 --> 00:11:32.440 the fact that I'd spoken to Amelia two days ago 184 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:36.480 and she hadn't mentioned calling any one that late. I 185 00:11:36.559 --> 00:11:40.200 touched the phone, then withdrew. This was the point where 186 00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:43.600 certainty started to feel traitorous, a kind of self betrayal. 187 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:47.200 Was I really circling my own doubts, feeding them just 188 00:11:47.240 --> 00:11:50.360 because I was alone? Too often? Lately? Who cared if 189 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:54.440 friends called each other late? By noon? My resolve had 190 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:59.960 flipped twice between somethinges off and don't manufacture drama? I texted, 191 00:12:00.039 --> 00:12:03.879 did Amelia a lazy mem waited for her usual instant reaction. 192 00:12:04.360 --> 00:12:07.559 It took four hours for her to reply, dry and flat, 193 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:12.159 lull mondays, Am I right, Maybe we were all just 194 00:12:12.240 --> 00:12:17.000 stretched thin still. By late afternoon, I was examining everything. 195 00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:22.000 Sam's laundry pockets not emptied like usual, notes to self, 196 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:25.960 unread messages. I tried to cut myself off. I hated 197 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:29.759 how easily suspicion bled into everything, making me window shop 198 00:12:29.840 --> 00:12:34.240 our life for cracks. That weekend, Sam turned down two 199 00:12:34.279 --> 00:12:38.360 different invitations, a gallery opening with our mixed crew, a 200 00:12:38.399 --> 00:12:43.200 brunch at EM's, someone from my old office. I should focus, 201 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:47.279 he said, I can't keep up with everything. He d 202 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:51.600 started using that phrase a lot. Instead, I went alone 203 00:12:51.720 --> 00:12:54.759 Saturday morning to the gallery. My corner of the group 204 00:12:54.879 --> 00:12:59.159 was smaller that day. No Sam, no Jordan, only Amelia, 205 00:12:59.399 --> 00:13:03.200 who glided in with a too bright wave. We drifted 206 00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:06.120 from painting to painting, but it was impossible not to 207 00:13:06.200 --> 00:13:09.519 notice how she perched on the edge of conversation, avoiding 208 00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:13.000 my gaze at key moments, shifting focus to other friends 209 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:16.879 when Sam surfaced as a topic. We got coffee after. 210 00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:22.000 Amelia was unfailingly polite, but distracted, twitchy every time her 211 00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:26.440 phone buzzed. So any new projects with Sam? I asked, 212 00:13:26.679 --> 00:13:31.080 hoping to sound genuinely curious. She blinked, fiddling with the 213 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:35.799 cardboard sleeve of her cup. Sam. Oh, only some EMIL feedback, 214 00:13:36.120 --> 00:13:40.639 he slammed, anyway, how's your mural going? Before I could 215 00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:43.960 ask more, she started recounting a networking fail at a 216 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.120 start up lunch, forcing the mood back to safe ground. 217 00:13:48.159 --> 00:13:51.559 When we parted, her hug was quick and distracted. Her 218 00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:54.759 phone never left her right hand. Maybe this was what 219 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:57.840 burnout looked like. Maybe it wasn't about me at all. 220 00:13:58.919 --> 00:14:02.440 Sunday evening, I I hadn't been home that much, but 221 00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:05.000 the place looked like it had hosted a small tornado. 222 00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:09.159 As I sorted Sam's work jacket, a charcoal corderer he 223 00:14:09.240 --> 00:14:12.840 wore almost everywhere, I found a receipt folded into the pocket. 224 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:16.000 Not unusual, except it was for dinner for two at 225 00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:18.399 a tiny restaurant in Midtown I had never been to 226 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:22.120 on a night we were supposedly both crashing on take 227 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:26.480 out in front of Netflix. Curiosity or maybe self defense, 228 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:30.080 drove me to google the name up scale low lighting 229 00:14:30.360 --> 00:14:32.919 not cheap, no way. It was a quick bite with 230 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:37.159 a client type joint. I waited until Sam tossed his 231 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:39.879 keys on the counter and slumped into a bar stool 232 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:43.200 after his errand run. Did you have dinner at Ricardo 233 00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:47.159 Es on Thursday? I asked, pretending to read a message 234 00:14:47.159 --> 00:14:51.000 on my laptop. He didn't miss a beat. No, why 235 00:14:52.039 --> 00:14:55.720 I held up the receipt. Oh that Nina and I 236 00:14:55.799 --> 00:14:58.480 swung by there. She want to try it and she paid, 237 00:14:58.679 --> 00:15:03.519 but I covered dessert. Sorry, Kinder forgot. I considered how 238 00:15:03.559 --> 00:15:07.919 to counter, then remembered seeing Nina's tagged Instagram story that night. 239 00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:11.159 She was at a poetry reading across town by seven. 240 00:15:11.879 --> 00:15:15.240 This time I said nothing. I nodded, made a note 241 00:15:15.240 --> 00:15:17.879 on my mental cork board, added it to my collection 242 00:15:17.960 --> 00:15:22.159 of oddities. Sam was coming home later and later, more 243 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:26.279 and more often. His gear usually dumped midway across the 244 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:30.080 apartment was always prepacked, now lined up by the door. 245 00:15:30.720 --> 00:15:33.720 When I suggested hitting the gym together, he always had 246 00:15:33.759 --> 00:15:37.559 a reason why he couldn't. I just need space, Leela, 247 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:40.879 to really focus. You should do the same. Go out 248 00:15:40.879 --> 00:15:44.759 with your friends more. We've been going full throttle for months. 249 00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:48.440 It strung more than I showed. Our world had always 250 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:52.399 been about togetherness. The desk arguments and muscle aches. The 251 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:56.240 way our friend groups orbited and overlapped, it felt like 252 00:15:56.320 --> 00:15:58.600 some one had thrown a rock through the glass of 253 00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:01.320 what we'd built, and either of us wanted to clean 254 00:16:01.399 --> 00:16:04.879 up the shards. The next Saturday, I'd plan to join 255 00:16:04.919 --> 00:16:08.440 a group for one of Nina's collaborator brunches. Sam had 256 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.240 told me it'll be my whole crew, come meet us, 257 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:15.039 but when I texted Nina to confirm the address, she responded, 258 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:19.159 actually brunch is canceled, client bylaid and I'm out of 259 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:23.759 town anyway. Spur of the moment, Sorry next time. Later, 260 00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:29.000 scrolling mindlessly, I saw her posted Instagram story an unmistakable 261 00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:32.919 view from an Upstate lake, posted at nine a m. 262 00:16:33.279 --> 00:16:36.000 At this point, I wasn't sure what to say or do. 263 00:16:36.559 --> 00:16:39.519 It felt as if reality and narrative were peeling away 264 00:16:39.559 --> 00:16:42.840 from each other. Was Sam lying or was I putting 265 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:46.960 together pieces of different puzzles. The next blow landed on 266 00:16:47.000 --> 00:16:51.000 my phone's home screen. Our joint ride share account, something 267 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:54.399 Sam just didn't bother to open since I handled expenses, 268 00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:58.039 posted an auto notification for a late night ride. It 269 00:16:58.120 --> 00:17:01.720 was billed at two twelve aim from a residential street 270 00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:05.559 clear across the city. When I brought it up, Sam shrugged, 271 00:17:06.599 --> 00:17:09.839 I must have left my card saved thereby accident, or 272 00:17:10.200 --> 00:17:13.119 it was Jordan, Remember when he set up the split 273 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:18.160 last month. Jordan always used his own account. Still, the 274 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:20.799 lie was small enough to slip by if I let it. 275 00:17:21.440 --> 00:17:24.200 I realized then how much will power it takes to 276 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:26.680 accept what you want to be true rather than what 277 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:30.799 actually fits the evidence. I stopped discussing most of this 278 00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:36.799 with Amelia. She drifted anyway. Conversations, clipped short excuses about 279 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:40.279 emergencies at work, an energy around her like she was 280 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:44.640 afraid I'd ask one question too many. I grabbed drinks 281 00:17:44.640 --> 00:17:48.279 with Jordan, desperate for something that made sense. I asked, 282 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:52.000 as gently as I could, how s Sam? I barely 283 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:55.000 see him outside of meetings anymore? Has he been out 284 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:59.279 with you guys? Jordan fidgeted with his glass eyes, darting, 285 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:02.559 I don't know. Maybe you two just need a breather. 286 00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:05.960 You know, he stressed, You're stressed. Nothing's up as far 287 00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:09.039 as I know. He knocked back his gin. Then, as 288 00:18:09.079 --> 00:18:12.480 if to seal the subject, steered the talk to sports. 289 00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:16.319 When I pressed the tiniest bit about recent weekends When 290 00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:20.640 Sam claimed late nights with Jordan, he hesitated, then forced 291 00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:23.720 a laugh. We should all crash a movie or something 292 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:28.240 like Old Times. It was disorienting. I couldn't tell if 293 00:18:28.279 --> 00:18:30.839 everyone had agreed not to talk, or if the world 294 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:34.680 had truly tilted around me self. Doubts set in. What 295 00:18:34.759 --> 00:18:38.559 if I was just paranoid, letting anxiety rewire My memory 296 00:18:39.200 --> 00:18:42.720 was either one creating drama for no reason, piecing together 297 00:18:42.920 --> 00:18:47.839 ordinary slips into a code they didn't actually conceal. Still, 298 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:50.799 the tension at home kept twisting tighter. I tried to 299 00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:54.440 regain my footing. I cooked more elaborate dinners, left sticky 300 00:18:54.480 --> 00:18:58.480 notes inside jokes, reminders to take his vitamins, memes that 301 00:18:58.519 --> 00:19:00.920 made Sam crack up six months ago but now just 302 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:03.799 got tossed in the recycling. We passed each other like 303 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:07.279 coworkers on staggered shifts, polite. One night, I caught him 304 00:19:07.319 --> 00:19:10.599 standing on the fire escape, phone pressed close to his mouth, 305 00:19:10.920 --> 00:19:14.000 voice soft and tense as he murmured, no, it's not 306 00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:17.559 it just can't be right now. When he came in, 307 00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:21.599 he claimed he was calling to dispute a delivery charge. 308 00:19:21.799 --> 00:19:25.240 I pretended not to notice. I cataloged the tightness in 309 00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:28.079 his smile, and the way his fingers drummed on the 310 00:19:28.079 --> 00:19:31.319 window sill as he watched for the next rain storm. 311 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:35.079 I stopped confiding in Amelia, too tired to keep prying 312 00:19:35.119 --> 00:19:39.359 at her silences. I stopped volunteering plans with Nina or Jordan, 313 00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:43.480 afraid my queries had become obvious. Even on group chats, 314 00:19:43.720 --> 00:19:47.799 replies dwindled. No one would say the word, but everyone 315 00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:50.799 seemed to know. There was a fracture running beneath our feet. 316 00:19:51.880 --> 00:19:54.799 In the thick of all this, Sam proposed a date night. 317 00:19:55.799 --> 00:19:58.480 It was a Tuesday, just before the summer heat broke 318 00:19:58.519 --> 00:20:02.759 in Earnest. He texted, did no clients, no calls, just us. 319 00:20:03.079 --> 00:20:06.559 I'll handle dinner. When I got home, the loft was 320 00:20:06.599 --> 00:20:10.799 strung with fairy lights, soft music, looping quietly. Sam wore 321 00:20:10.839 --> 00:20:13.519 the linen shirt I loved, the one from our stupid 322 00:20:13.599 --> 00:20:16.960 road trip to Joshua Tree. On the kitchen counter, he'd 323 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:20.960 laid out home made Yoki wine, a plate of tempura vegetables, 324 00:20:21.319 --> 00:20:25.160 messy but beautifully arranged. He'd left a tiny toy hedgehog 325 00:20:25.240 --> 00:20:27.640 next to my water glass, a call back to a 326 00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:30.279 joke from our second date when he'd ordered tea with 327 00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:34.160 the personality of a startled hedgehog. For a while, it 328 00:20:34.279 --> 00:20:38.559 felt familiar. He was different, effusive, a little performative, but 329 00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:41.680 also open in a way i'd missed. As we ate, 330 00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:44.920 he set his fork down, thumb running over the scar 331 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:48.720 on the back of his hand. I'm sorry, I've been elsewhere. 332 00:20:48.720 --> 00:20:51.839 It's not fair to you, he hesitated, then forged ahead. 333 00:20:52.440 --> 00:20:55.119 Works felt like a treadmill. I can't get off, and 334 00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:58.160 I guess I got a little envious. Actually, you've been 335 00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:01.079 killing it lately, landing all the those big contracts, and 336 00:21:01.160 --> 00:21:04.240 it feels like I'm stuck. That's not an excuse. I'm 337 00:21:04.279 --> 00:21:07.119 proud of you, truly, but it's humbling and it made 338 00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:10.599 me retreat a bit. I should have said something. The 339 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:14.519 words were halting but real, not quite the full answer 340 00:21:14.519 --> 00:21:17.000 for the last month, but it held enough truth to 341 00:21:17.079 --> 00:21:20.640 serve as a life line. I laid my hand over his. 342 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:24.279 We're allowed to crash. I just miss you. I don't 343 00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:27.039 need you to be perfect or always hustling. I just 344 00:21:27.079 --> 00:21:30.400 want you here with me, not in your head. He 345 00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:34.200 squeezed back, blinking hard. For a second, it seemed just 346 00:21:34.279 --> 00:21:38.160 seemed like our lines were rejoining. We stayed up late, 347 00:21:38.480 --> 00:21:41.759 wandering back through old stories and dreams, laughing at the 348 00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:46.119 night we'd almost been arrested in Dijon for climbing locked gates. 349 00:21:46.519 --> 00:21:49.640 Hope snuck in. Maybe this had just been one drawn 350 00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:54.359 out sink mistake. Maybe we could reboot after all. Later, 351 00:21:54.559 --> 00:21:57.519 cleaning up after Sam ducked into the shower, I sought 352 00:21:57.519 --> 00:22:01.400 it laundry and found myself absently rifleling his jacket pockets, 353 00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:06.079 just mindless checking for receipts, headphones, the gas bill he 354 00:22:06.160 --> 00:22:10.720 often forgot. My fingers caught on a piece of folded stationery, 355 00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:15.480 faint perfume, clinging to the edges. Curiosity propelled me. I 356 00:22:15.640 --> 00:22:18.519 wasn't snooping, or at least that's what I told myself 357 00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:22.680 as I carefully opened it up. The note inside was short, 358 00:22:23.039 --> 00:22:27.960 written in familiar looping script. Last Friday was different. I 359 00:22:28.039 --> 00:22:31.039 keep replaying it in my head, hoping we'll find more 360 00:22:31.079 --> 00:22:34.000 moments like that. It's killing me to keep its secret, 361 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:36.640 but I know we have to for now. Let me 362 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:38.880 know when you can talk. I need to know I'm 363 00:22:38.920 --> 00:22:43.640 not alone in this. No name, no signature, but I'd 364 00:22:43.680 --> 00:22:48.160 seen handwriting like that in a hundred variations, birthdays, post 365 00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:54.000 its cards slipped under my office mug Amelia. Pressure built 366 00:22:54.039 --> 00:22:57.000 behind my eyes, the sound of water running in the 367 00:22:57.000 --> 00:23:01.640 bathroom felt distant, my hands tingled with adrenaline, and beneath 368 00:23:01.680 --> 00:23:05.160 it something colder, the sense that I'd been living blind 369 00:23:05.240 --> 00:23:10.559 inside my own life. I pressed the note between two cookbooks, foolishly, 370 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:13.640 as if Sam might see it somewhere else, and sat 371 00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.279 on the kitchen floor until my pulse settled. In the 372 00:23:17.279 --> 00:23:20.599 week that followed, I tried to keep functioning. I found 373 00:23:20.640 --> 00:23:24.319 old birthday cards compared loops and ms, and the way 374 00:23:24.359 --> 00:23:29.039 she dotted her is the match was undeniable. I drafted 375 00:23:29.039 --> 00:23:33.799 a message to Amelia, then deleted it three times. Instead, 376 00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:36.640 I sent her a photo from our last positive ViBe's 377 00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:41.160 only hiking trip, just some mountain wild flowers. She responded late, 378 00:23:41.319 --> 00:23:44.599 a clipped missed this hope work es not crushing you. 379 00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:48.559 I replied, let's catch up properly. She hearted the message, 380 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.359 then went silent. Nothing, no counter offer, no attempt to 381 00:23:52.359 --> 00:23:56.240 bridge the gap. I started scouring. If I was in, 382 00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.400 I was all in. I messaged Nina, asking for a 383 00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:02.680 catch up. She responded, I'm out of the loop lately, 384 00:24:02.920 --> 00:24:06.079 but if something's gone sideways between you and Sam. You 385 00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:09.160 too should talk directly. I care about both of you, 386 00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:11.960 but I don't want to get it wrong. It was 387 00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:15.359 the gentlest way of saying, don't ask me to pick sides. 388 00:24:16.440 --> 00:24:20.759 Sam meanwhile slid further away, even when sitting next to me. 389 00:24:21.079 --> 00:24:25.319 He seemed lost in calculation or regret, flinching away from touch, 390 00:24:25.680 --> 00:24:30.160 offering tender words by habit, but starved of conviction. My 391 00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:34.359 mind returned constantly to the wedding. Sam and Amelia leaning close, 392 00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:38.119 trading sly jokes, disappearing together for an eber ride I 393 00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.880 dismissed as just sharing to save money. I've been so 394 00:24:42.079 --> 00:24:45.440 confident that nothing could blindside me in my own back yard. 395 00:24:46.079 --> 00:24:50.160 Now I was second guessing every detail, the glances, the laughter, 396 00:24:50.599 --> 00:24:53.799 the way Amelia had avoided dancing near us unless pulled 397 00:24:53.839 --> 00:24:57.240 in by some one else. I started to feel cornered 398 00:24:57.240 --> 00:25:00.880 by the very spaces we'd made together. The loft's walls 399 00:25:00.920 --> 00:25:04.200 seemed to hum with the pressure of secrets. I started 400 00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:07.759 sleeping with headphones, drowning out the creeks and buzzes that 401 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:13.079