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<v Speaker 1>This program is intended for mature audiences only.

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<v Speaker 2>You are now listening to Observable Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Hi there, it's Cameron Suey. This month, we're bringing you

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<v Speaker 1>another older story, a longer tale that's both a love

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<v Speaker 1>letter to San Francisco and a reason for leaving. Season

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<v Speaker 1>two is still coming later this year. For more information,

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<v Speaker 1>we're giving monthly updates for free on our Patreon, and

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<v Speaker 1>we'd love to see you there. And now, after our

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<v Speaker 1>brief word from the observerle Radio Company Store, here's tonight's story.

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<v Speaker 1>I lived so long with it, I didn't realize there

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<v Speaker 1>could be another way, you know, But it was just

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<v Speaker 1>so cold all the time. I don't remember a time

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't feel like I was freezing. And it wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>my hands, or my feet or even my head. It

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<v Speaker 1>was like I couldn't keep my body warm no matter

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<v Speaker 1>what I did. And then my doctor told me about.

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<v Speaker 3>Shirts with a shirt like a tower operator shirt at

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<v Speaker 3>the Observable Radio Company Store, you'll never suffer from a

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<v Speaker 3>regular torso insulation. Again, ask your doctor if shirts are

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<v Speaker 3>right for you. Shirts stop being cold. You are now

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<v Speaker 3>by from Observable.

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<v Speaker 2>Radio Mapping the Crooked Places When I emerged from a

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<v Speaker 2>decade beneath the waves of my private sea. My parents

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<v Speaker 2>were dead and gone. With the clarity I had not

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<v Speaker 2>experienced since my youth, I drifted, like an airborne seed

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<v Speaker 2>through the city. I fell in love not with my

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<v Speaker 2>fellow man, but with the place's men, gather with a

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<v Speaker 2>small fortune, the life, insurance and inheritance that churned but

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<v Speaker 2>modest guilt inside me. I put down gossamer roots into

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<v Speaker 2>a dozen places across San Francisco, staying only long enough

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<v Speaker 2>to satisfy my curious new desire for belonging, before again

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<v Speaker 2>taking to the breeze. In every place I settled, I

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<v Speaker 2>drew a map, dreamed a new metaphor. When I lived

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<v Speaker 2>in the shadows of the medical college, haunting bars filled

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<v Speaker 2>with sleep deprived and wild eyed doctors to be my

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<v Speaker 2>map of the city was like the organs and cells

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<v Speaker 2>in a body, a vascular system of roads, a nervous

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<v Speaker 2>system of wires, and the pale and textureless connective tissue between.

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<v Speaker 2>When I left the drafty coal valley flat for a

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<v Speaker 2>studio loft in the mission, I mapped the city as

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<v Speaker 2>a battleground, isolated camps of combatants brought together by common ideals,

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<v Speaker 2>surrounded by the rotting to militarized zones of cultural vacancy.

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<v Speaker 2>From a top floor apartment on Market Street, I saw

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<v Speaker 2>the city as a vast and productive farm, where I

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<v Speaker 2>surveyed each field, growing signature and airloom crops to be counted, stored,

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<v Speaker 2>and sold. Like any farm, there were fallow pieces between

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<v Speaker 2>the fields, cracked in rotting fences, and rusting abandoned machinery

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<v Speaker 2>in every place I settled. These nameless in between places,

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<v Speaker 2>The featureless, empty zones between the landmarks and neighborhoods filled

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<v Speaker 2>me with shivering unease, like mines without souls. The interstitial

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<v Speaker 2>burrows seemed on the verge of rotting away beneath my feet.

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<v Speaker 2>It was many months before I could admit why they

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<v Speaker 2>were the places that I had once sought out, gray

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<v Speaker 2>places filled with gray faces, where I once found quite

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<v Speaker 2>oblivion without judgment, the empty hollows of civilization that I

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<v Speaker 2>let suck so much of my life away. With the

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<v Speaker 2>veil now lifted, I did everything I could to avoid

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<v Speaker 2>them and their whispering temptations. Inside the vibrant neighborhoods where

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<v Speaker 2>I now made my homes, I would travel only by

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<v Speaker 2>foot or bike or fear that I would wall myself

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<v Speaker 2>away from the beauty. But when crossing the borderland I

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<v Speaker 2>needed the barriers of taxi cabs and train cars. The

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<v Speaker 2>empty places reeked of my disease and threatened to make

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<v Speaker 2>me ill. I passed through them only when need dictated

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<v Speaker 2>and my resolve was strongest. When my map of the

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<v Speaker 2>city and her identities grew dense, I had still not

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<v Speaker 2>found a place I felt I belonged, a place I

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<v Speaker 2>would want to truly live in. I imagined, like the

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<v Speaker 2>newborn that I was, that all the city's secrets were

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<v Speaker 2>known to me, and my love for her turned sour.

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<v Speaker 2>I flirted with the idea of starting again, picking another

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<v Speaker 2>of the world's greatest cities, and emerging, naked and fresh

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<v Speaker 2>into it yet another new life. In a fugue of

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<v Speaker 2>self pity, I forgot why I feared the hinterlands between

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<v Speaker 2>the hearts, and wandered into their blankness again and again.

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<v Speaker 2>I found outposts inside these places, where people gathered together

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<v Speaker 2>for heat, for light, for company, defiant against the bleakness

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<v Speaker 2>that surrounded them, although I could no more relate to

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<v Speaker 2>them than I could the denizens of the more desirable neighborhoods.

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<v Speaker 2>I found comfort in those places, not the comfort I craved,

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<v Speaker 2>but the comfort I remembered. It was there that I

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<v Speaker 2>could crouch on the precipice and peer back down into

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<v Speaker 2>my old obliette. An old, familiar voice whispered back from

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<v Speaker 2>the darkness, and I began to think echoes of old thoughts.

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<v Speaker 2>Perhaps I had ignored these places and much of the city,

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<v Speaker 2>so much of what truly made it, under false pretenses.

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<v Speaker 2>I had allowed the weakness of my own character to

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<v Speaker 2>cloak these misunderstood places and a my asthma of fear,

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<v Speaker 2>a fear that stemmed only from my own failings. With

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<v Speaker 2>renewed desire, I threw myself back into exploration, to again

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<v Speaker 2>be a cartographer, to map the crooked places that had

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<v Speaker 2>once held me in a different kind of thraw. I

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<v Speaker 2>could return to the shadow lands and see them for

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<v Speaker 2>what they really were, and I could pass through them,

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<v Speaker 2>unharmed and clear of mind, and continue my search. This

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<v Speaker 2>is what I told myself. I even believed it some

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<v Speaker 2>of the time. It was on this last leg of

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<v Speaker 2>my quest that I came upon the Tower. It stood

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<v Speaker 2>alone in a district that should have curled cold tendrils

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<v Speaker 2>of unease around my spine. The streets were empty and

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<v Speaker 2>clean in a way that suggested not constant attention but disuse,

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<v Speaker 2>and its only neighbors were warehouses and the pale shadows

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<v Speaker 2>of failing restaurants and cafes. I had seen it skeleton

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<v Speaker 2>from a dozen of my nests, or it had been

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<v Speaker 2>growing all the while, like the twisting branches of a

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<v Speaker 2>great stone and glass tree for the last half of

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<v Speaker 2>a decade. It should have filled me with loathing, artless

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<v Speaker 2>and empty, a featureless glass monolith designed to house the

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<v Speaker 2>young and wealthy, and those who were drawn to the

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<v Speaker 2>in between places for all the wrong reasons. But when

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<v Speaker 2>I encountered it, then, during that final phase of my exploration,

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<v Speaker 2>something inside it tugged at me, hooked me like a fish,

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<v Speaker 2>and never let go. Something high above the city streets

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<v Speaker 2>called out to me, singing to me alone. It was

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<v Speaker 2>an old song sung with a new voice. The sensation

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<v Speaker 2>was so familiar that I was scarcely aware of the

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<v Speaker 2>it felt by coming home. Nothing about the tower was beautiful,

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<v Speaker 2>I see that now, But I had written a check

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<v Speaker 2>a deposit for one of the sterile condos above me

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<v Speaker 2>before I realized that I had walked inside in that

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<v Speaker 2>familiar fog of desire. I knew one thing. I needed

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<v Speaker 2>to be on the upper stories, for the song came

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<v Speaker 2>from high above me. I convinced the corpulate building manager

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<v Speaker 2>of my need, and he cracked his wide grin bearing

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<v Speaker 2>twin rows of perfectly straight teeth, and assigned me a

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<v Speaker 2>unit on the top floor. I rode the elevator in

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<v Speaker 2>breathless anticipation and went straight to my first room. My

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<v Speaker 2>belongings and possessions were brought to me later, For once

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<v Speaker 2>I entered the tower, I only exited it once more

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<v Speaker 2>for good, nearly five months after. When I left, I

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<v Speaker 2>was free of the fog, free of my crooked need

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<v Speaker 2>to find the soul of the soulless places, free of

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<v Speaker 2>my love of cities and the places of men. I

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<v Speaker 2>was scoured clean, left raw and naked, every sensation amplified

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<v Speaker 2>and painful. I left with only my terror and my life,

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<v Speaker 2>although how much of that I retained is in question.

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<v Speaker 2>The first apartment spacious and empty. Rooms still smelled of

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<v Speaker 2>construction dust and antiseptic cleaners. One glass wall in each

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<v Speaker 2>room offered a sprawling view of the bay and the

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<v Speaker 2>crumbling docks, the last few vestiges of proper industry inside

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<v Speaker 2>the city's borders. I already understood that it was not

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<v Speaker 2>the view that my sudden, hot desire for elevation demanded,

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<v Speaker 2>was something else. Within moments, I also understood this. The

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<v Speaker 2>top floor was too high. Whatever I was drawn to

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<v Speaker 2>was now beneath me. I left the room and began

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<v Speaker 2>to descend the stairwell, the metal steps still covered in

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<v Speaker 2>powdered drywall. I felt the invisible draw in my lungs,

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<v Speaker 2>and the beating of my heart, and the crooked trail

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<v Speaker 2>of scars in my arms. It took a few floors

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<v Speaker 2>before the locus of my attraction was level with me,

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<v Speaker 2>and I entered a hallway that looked identical to the

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<v Speaker 2>one above. My fingers drifted up to the eastern wall

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<v Speaker 2>without thought, as so many of my actions had once

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<v Speaker 2>been and would become again. I paced the hallway and

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<v Speaker 2>I felt a pole down the length of my arm,

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<v Speaker 2>like a dowsing rod. I dragged my fingertips across the

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<v Speaker 2>rough texture. The hissing friction of fingers on plaster and

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<v Speaker 2>my soft footsteps on the carpet were the only sounds.

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<v Speaker 2>The air was redolent of paint and carpet glue. But

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<v Speaker 2>beneath it all, dancing in the air like a cracking whip,

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<v Speaker 2>was a thin thread of something sickly sweet, A night

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<v Speaker 2>blooming flower, a corpse on the border of rot. Was intoxicating.

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<v Speaker 2>I reached a door halfway down the hall, and my

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<v Speaker 2>legs froze, as if rooted to the spot on the

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<v Speaker 2>other side of the heavy wooden door. Just past my

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<v Speaker 2>raw fingertips lay the source of the call. I felt

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<v Speaker 2>an intense, delicious and anticipation, a nearly fulfilled desire, the

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<v Speaker 2>calm that comes just before the pinprick. No logic could explain,

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<v Speaker 2>nor language could describe what my mind yearned for. Or

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<v Speaker 2>although the sensations were familiar, the source of the song

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<v Speaker 2>behind the door was fundamentally alien and a thousand times stronger.

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<v Speaker 2>The sweet ache took root in the very structure of

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<v Speaker 2>my flesh and throbbed with my heart. I raised both hands,

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<v Speaker 2>fingers splayed wide in a lover's caress, and held my

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<v Speaker 2>body to the cool wood at the door. I had

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<v Speaker 2>to enter the room I needed to be inside. This

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<v Speaker 2>could only be the home that I had been searching for.

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<v Speaker 2>I looked up to the numbers twenty three nineteen, picked

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<v Speaker 2>out in delicate and filigreed gold numerals, and committed it

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<v Speaker 2>to memory, repeating them breathlessly. I knew, with a sharp pang,

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<v Speaker 2>that I would need to leave the doorway before I

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<v Speaker 2>could return to be fulfilled. I would offer any price,

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<v Speaker 2>I'd pay any cost, but I would cross the threshold.

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<v Speaker 2>I would go inside, and I would be made happy

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<v Speaker 2>and whole. I might have stayed fixed to that spot,

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<v Speaker 2>almost but not yet, touching my prize forever. But after

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<v Speaker 2>a long moment, through the warped glass bead of a

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<v Speaker 2>peep hole, light flared, shaking me from my trance. It

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<v Speaker 2>took me a fractured moment to understand. While I pressed

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<v Speaker 2>my body to the door, sighing with private intimacy, the

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<v Speaker 2>occupant of twenty three nineteen, the interloper, had been on

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<v Speaker 2>the other side, staring out. What kindled in me then

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<v Speaker 2>was not the polite embarrassment that good breeding and decency demanded,

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<v Speaker 2>but something more akin to sexual jealousy. But there was

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<v Speaker 2>more a violence. I felt boiling in my forearms and

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<v Speaker 2>cledged fists. Something beastial, cruel reason returned, and I relaxed,

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<v Speaker 2>secure in the knowledge that I had the means and

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<v Speaker 2>now the clarity to take what I needed in the

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<v Speaker 2>proper way, with no need for bloodshed. I grinned into

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<v Speaker 2>the looking glass. My eyes slidded with cold assurance. I

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<v Speaker 2>was not a man accustomed to being disappointed. The manager,

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<v Speaker 2>that perfect creature of the dead zones, merely furrowed his

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<v Speaker 2>brows when I returned, holding out my check book. The

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<v Speaker 2>room was indeed taken. It was the first chosen by

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<v Speaker 2>the very first occupant. He made clumsy jokes at first,

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<v Speaker 2>not seeing the clarity of my need desire made me

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<v Speaker 2>needle sharp. I offered to buy out the occupant. I

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<v Speaker 2>offered to buy the whole building. In the end, the

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<v Speaker 2>best I could do was place my name first on

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<v Speaker 2>a waiting list. In the meantime, I moved my deposit

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<v Speaker 2>to a new room twenty two nineteen, where I could

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<v Speaker 2>wait just below and bide my time until the occupant

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00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:56.519
<v Speaker 2>could be persuaded. I never unpacked, even though I had

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<v Speaker 2>the contents of my previous beachside flat shipped to me

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00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:04.000
<v Speaker 2>great expense. I lived out of boxes, on minimal furniture,

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<v Speaker 2>and subsisted entirely on delivered food twenty two nineteen was

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<v Speaker 2>close enough to the wet and living beacon above me

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00:13:11.279 --> 00:13:14.600
<v Speaker 2>to act as a temporary salve, and for a while

219
00:13:15.360 --> 00:13:18.960
<v Speaker 2>I thought it might be enough. Simply being there filled

220
00:13:19.000 --> 00:13:21.639
<v Speaker 2>me with a kind of contentedness that I had only

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<v Speaker 2>dreamt of my previous life. The wandering cartography of the

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<v Speaker 2>invisible borders was over, for I had found what I

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00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:31.320
<v Speaker 2>had been searching for. I would lie on the floor,

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00:13:31.519 --> 00:13:34.759
<v Speaker 2>eyes drifting between the floor to ceiling windows and then

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00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:38.039
<v Speaker 2>to the neutral texture of the roof above, trying to

226
00:13:38.080 --> 00:13:41.879
<v Speaker 2>see through the city beyond held no meaning for me

227
00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:44.799
<v Speaker 2>any longer. If I wished, I could still see the

228
00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:47.960
<v Speaker 2>neighborhoods and districts I had loved, I could see the

229
00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:50.960
<v Speaker 2>gray stripes of nothingness that bound them to each other,

230
00:13:51.559 --> 00:13:53.960
<v Speaker 2>the no man's lands that I had tried to avoid.

231
00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:57.960
<v Speaker 2>But I no longer saw. I had misunderstood the city,

232
00:13:58.279 --> 00:14:01.840
<v Speaker 2>and now I saw its true meaning. Every part of it,

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00:14:02.200 --> 00:14:06.919
<v Speaker 2>unknown and known, existed across centuries for one purpose, to

234
00:14:07.039 --> 00:14:10.559
<v Speaker 2>birth the tower, to create the room above me, to

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00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:13.840
<v Speaker 2>safely house the thing. Whatever it was that sang out

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00:14:13.879 --> 00:14:17.559
<v Speaker 2>and promise to me. I could smell it in my

237
00:14:17.639 --> 00:14:21.240
<v Speaker 2>waiting chamber. The strong chloral scent permeated the walls and

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00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:24.600
<v Speaker 2>stuck in my skin, cloying and thick. I heard harmonic

239
00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:27.759
<v Speaker 2>vibrations echoing through the walls and down the wires and

240
00:14:27.759 --> 00:14:31.080
<v Speaker 2>into my veins. My whole life had led to this

241
00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.360
<v Speaker 2>place and this time, and I hovered on the precipice,

242
00:14:34.720 --> 00:14:38.120
<v Speaker 2>terrified to go any closer for fear of losing it all.

243
00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:44.039
<v Speaker 2>But soon proximity was not enough. I found myself standing

244
00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:46.879
<v Speaker 2>on a wooden chair, sometimes for hours on end, trying

245
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:49.600
<v Speaker 2>only to be closer to it. I would stretch my

246
00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:52.559
<v Speaker 2>arms high and press my palms to the ceiling, feeling

247
00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:55.879
<v Speaker 2>the siren's song running through the carpels and radius and

248
00:14:56.039 --> 00:14:58.639
<v Speaker 2>ulna and humorous and spreading into my lungs, and a

249
00:14:58.679 --> 00:15:02.000
<v Speaker 2>heart like a warm and famili your wave. But even

250
00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:05.639
<v Speaker 2>that could not save me. So I coiled my desire

251
00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:08.440
<v Speaker 2>and kneed into a sharpened point and brought it into

252
00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:13.679
<v Speaker 2>baar against the occupant, the silent intruder above me. I

253
00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:17.080
<v Speaker 2>began with noise. I unpacked my stereo and pointed the

254
00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:21.000
<v Speaker 2>speakers upward, blasting random and sharp intervals with a tonal nonsense.

255
00:15:21.399 --> 00:15:25.440
<v Speaker 2>The tower was still sparsely populated, in truth nearly empty.

256
00:15:26.039 --> 00:15:28.039
<v Speaker 2>I knew that I had the floor to myself, and

257
00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:32.480
<v Speaker 2>but a single neighbor above yet another sign I disregarded utterly,

258
00:15:33.200 --> 00:15:35.960
<v Speaker 2>one in an endless parade that should have driven me

259
00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:39.240
<v Speaker 2>far from this place, had I still retained my sanity.

260
00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.919
<v Speaker 2>But instead I squatted in that abominable and heartless husk

261
00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.600
<v Speaker 2>of a home, in a place that should have set

262
00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:50.080
<v Speaker 2>my teeth on edge, a wild eyed and unrepentant fool,

263
00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:52.639
<v Speaker 2>a quizzling to all that I had claimed to love

264
00:15:52.679 --> 00:15:56.080
<v Speaker 2>about the places of men. When the occupant made no complaints,

265
00:15:56.480 --> 00:16:00.200
<v Speaker 2>I raised the frequency a volume, until finally I could

266
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:03.720
<v Speaker 2>no longer stand my own tortures. I turned to pounding

267
00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:06.120
<v Speaker 2>on the roof with the brooms, slamming the ceiling until

268
00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:08.879
<v Speaker 2>chips of paint and plaster fell down into my eyes.

269
00:16:09.559 --> 00:16:12.480
<v Speaker 2>More than once I thought of simply tuddling upwards and

270
00:16:12.600 --> 00:16:15.120
<v Speaker 2>emerging from the hole, to choke the life out of

271
00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:19.360
<v Speaker 2>the occupant and claim my prize. I got a response.

272
00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:23.799
<v Speaker 2>At last. He would tap his heels lightly an echo,

273
00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:26.919
<v Speaker 2>and reply to my thundering, a retort I found mocking

274
00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:32.200
<v Speaker 2>and intolerable. I tried horrid smells boiling, foul and moldering

275
00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.440
<v Speaker 2>scraps of food and pouring them. On the threshold of

276
00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:37.480
<v Speaker 2>twenty three nineteen, in the small hours of the morning,

277
00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:41.240
<v Speaker 2>I made complaints against him, claiming he was responsible for

278
00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:43.840
<v Speaker 2>the noises and the smells, but the manager believed none

279
00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:47.200
<v Speaker 2>of it threatened to expel me. I began to slide

280
00:16:47.320 --> 00:16:52.480
<v Speaker 2>notes beneath his door, angry, volatile screeds, threats, grotesque descriptions

281
00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:54.200
<v Speaker 2>of the violence I would visit upon him if he

282
00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:59.159
<v Speaker 2>did not vacate the place. They became pleading, muling cries,

283
00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:02.919
<v Speaker 2>offers of wealth, lies in thin tails, designed to stoke

284
00:17:02.960 --> 00:17:06.400
<v Speaker 2>his sympathy for my needs. I had made a life

285
00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:10.319
<v Speaker 2>once of manipulating people to achieve my desires, and now

286
00:17:10.359 --> 00:17:14.000
<v Speaker 2>I used every tool at my disposal. In the end,

287
00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:16.079
<v Speaker 2>he would thrust the notes back out as soon as

288
00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:19.039
<v Speaker 2>I slid them in. He was always in, always home.

289
00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:23.359
<v Speaker 2>When I understood this, he, like myself and so few

290
00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:26.599
<v Speaker 2>others knew, felt the pull of the place and of

291
00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:30.960
<v Speaker 2>whatever was inside. In my most magnanimous and clear headed days,

292
00:17:31.000 --> 00:17:34.640
<v Speaker 2>I knew that he and I were kindred, and he

293
00:17:34.680 --> 00:17:38.559
<v Speaker 2>had merely had the luck of being first. I grew

294
00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:42.640
<v Speaker 2>thin physically and mentally, and I became brittle and dry.

295
00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:45.359
<v Speaker 2>I was on the verge of giving up not my

296
00:17:45.480 --> 00:17:48.279
<v Speaker 2>desire for the special place above me, but of the

297
00:17:48.440 --> 00:17:53.160
<v Speaker 2>very act of living, in a final childish tantrum. Although

298
00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:57.039
<v Speaker 2>I was closer than I dare dream, the distance felt magnified,

299
00:17:57.480 --> 00:17:59.480
<v Speaker 2>and I knew if I left, it would haunt me.

300
00:18:00.200 --> 00:18:03.119
<v Speaker 2>A bullet lodged in my flesh, working its way toward

301
00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:07.240
<v Speaker 2>my heart for the rest of my days. At last,

302
00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:10.000
<v Speaker 2>after a week of petulant fasting, it came to me

303
00:18:10.200 --> 00:18:12.640
<v Speaker 2>that there were only a few paths left to lead

304
00:18:12.680 --> 00:18:15.960
<v Speaker 2>me to what I needed. I pulled my ragged body,

305
00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:18.599
<v Speaker 2>barefoot and reeking, from the sodden chair where I had

306
00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:21.880
<v Speaker 2>sat for more than a day. From the kitchen, I

307
00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:24.200
<v Speaker 2>retrieved the snub nosed pistol that I had hoped never

308
00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:28.079
<v Speaker 2>to need, and left my Ersat's apartment. I shuffled, un

309
00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:32.440
<v Speaker 2>tingling legs towards the stairway and began to climb. I

310
00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:35.480
<v Speaker 2>smelled the sweet death smell on the air conditioned breeze

311
00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:38.119
<v Speaker 2>when I entered his hallway, and I pushed my shaking

312
00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:42.240
<v Speaker 2>body toward the door. At the precipice, I hesitated and

313
00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.640
<v Speaker 2>considered moving straight to violence. I could blast the lock

314
00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:48.359
<v Speaker 2>from the door, enter with or without permission, and still

315
00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:50.839
<v Speaker 2>have enough bullets to clear the occupant from the equation.

316
00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:55.000
<v Speaker 2>But I believe we both deserved one final peaceful chance,

317
00:18:55.720 --> 00:19:01.240
<v Speaker 2>and so I knocked and knocked again and again. After

318
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.640
<v Speaker 2>a while, I heard him moving behind the door, a

319
00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:06.599
<v Speaker 2>slithering sound, like a snake squatting in the place that

320
00:19:06.640 --> 00:19:10.519
<v Speaker 2>should have belonged solely to me. But he would not answer.

321
00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:13.720
<v Speaker 2>So I knocked as hard as my condition would allow.

322
00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:17.319
<v Speaker 2>I pounded until my knuckles bled. I shrieked, and although

323
00:19:17.319 --> 00:19:20.680
<v Speaker 2>the sound from my dry cracked throat lacked the proper authority,

324
00:19:21.039 --> 00:19:25.000
<v Speaker 2>continued to scream as I hammered the door. At last,

325
00:19:25.319 --> 00:19:28.000
<v Speaker 2>I heard the sound of whispers, and the thought of

326
00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:31.680
<v Speaker 2>the occupants speaking to it made me nauseous with jealousy.

327
00:19:32.319 --> 00:19:34.440
<v Speaker 2>Then I heard him slide towards the door and turn

328
00:19:34.519 --> 00:19:37.559
<v Speaker 2>the handle. I wrapped my fingers around the cool assurance

329
00:19:37.559 --> 00:19:40.960
<v Speaker 2>of the gun, a totem of my authority, hud I needed.

330
00:19:42.000 --> 00:19:44.599
<v Speaker 2>The door opened a fraction of an inch, and the

331
00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:48.319
<v Speaker 2>occupant's gleaming eyes met mine. He opened it further to

332
00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:51.000
<v Speaker 2>the full extent the brass chain on the door would allow.

333
00:19:51.680 --> 00:19:54.519
<v Speaker 2>I might have kicked against the door, forcing my way inside,

334
00:19:55.039 --> 00:19:57.559
<v Speaker 2>but I held fast some notion that I could still

335
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:00.759
<v Speaker 2>get what I wanted without the undue risk islands would bring.

336
00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:04.559
<v Speaker 2>He was born to be a citizen of the Borderlands.

337
00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:08.640
<v Speaker 2>Like I had become plain and well groomed. He dressed

338
00:20:08.640 --> 00:20:12.480
<v Speaker 2>in expensive clothes or uncomfortably, like a second skin. Some

339
00:20:12.559 --> 00:20:15.400
<v Speaker 2>may have called him handsome, but it was a flavorless

340
00:20:15.400 --> 00:20:20.599
<v Speaker 2>sort of pleasantry, symmetrical, synthetic. The imprints of our shared

341
00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:24.279
<v Speaker 2>passion clung to him, marked him as a brother and nemesis.

342
00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:28.599
<v Speaker 2>He smiled at my wasting body and the stained clothes

343
00:20:28.599 --> 00:20:31.799
<v Speaker 2>that clung to my bony frame. But after every glance

344
00:20:31.880 --> 00:20:35.359
<v Speaker 2>I saw his black eyes snap backwards towards the locusts

345
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:39.880
<v Speaker 2>of our need. I understand, he said, at last, his

346
00:20:39.960 --> 00:20:45.359
<v Speaker 2>eyes still fixed behind him, I really do. Despite my resolve,

347
00:20:45.880 --> 00:20:50.400
<v Speaker 2>I began to cry. Small, exhausted sobs shook my body.

348
00:20:50.559 --> 00:20:53.160
<v Speaker 2>If he noticed my shame, he pretended not to, whether

349
00:20:53.240 --> 00:20:58.119
<v Speaker 2>in grace or embarrassment, I do not know. Soon, he said,

350
00:20:58.440 --> 00:21:00.640
<v Speaker 2>the word hung in the air and coat me like

351
00:21:00.720 --> 00:21:05.359
<v Speaker 2>a healing salve, pregnant with promise. I'm afraid I'm done

352
00:21:05.359 --> 00:21:10.799
<v Speaker 2>with it, or it with me. You'll understand. He shook

353
00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:14.160
<v Speaker 2>his head, a singular, violent snap, and his face creased.

354
00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:17.720
<v Speaker 2>It was a face unaccustomed to sharp emotions, looking oddly

355
00:21:17.799 --> 00:21:21.720
<v Speaker 2>fetal and new. As something strong and sharp gripped him,

356
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:25.400
<v Speaker 2>he shuffled ever so slightly backward, his eyes fluttering behind

357
00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:28.720
<v Speaker 2>toward the thing. I could not see, the knowledge that

358
00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:32.079
<v Speaker 2>my desire, my prize, waited for me just beyond. His

359
00:21:32.200 --> 00:21:36.839
<v Speaker 2>obscuring body clawed at me. My fingers twitched around the

360
00:21:36.839 --> 00:21:40.480
<v Speaker 2>weight of a pistol. It waited so long for this

361
00:21:40.599 --> 00:21:44.599
<v Speaker 2>place to be built, he said, patient. It was here

362
00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:50.319
<v Speaker 2>before us, for the city or anyone, and it will

363
00:21:50.359 --> 00:21:54.440
<v Speaker 2>be here long after us. Again, he shuddered, and I

364
00:21:54.440 --> 00:21:57.359
<v Speaker 2>saw the suit was soaked with sweat, far filthier than

365
00:21:57.359 --> 00:22:01.279
<v Speaker 2>I had originally thought. Not creased, but wrinkled. I had

366
00:22:01.279 --> 00:22:05.079
<v Speaker 2>somehow mistaken his tousled appearance for cleanliness, his chaos for order.

367
00:22:05.119 --> 00:22:08.440
<v Speaker 2>But the glamor had faded beneath the night perfume of

368
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:14.839
<v Speaker 2>our mutual addiction. There was something else, something acrid and wrong, panic, hysteria, terror,

369
00:22:15.079 --> 00:22:19.960
<v Speaker 2>His calm and still demeanor gone, his temporary posture. Once

370
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:23.200
<v Speaker 2>wielded masterfully, he could no longer hold for more than

371
00:22:23.240 --> 00:22:28.359
<v Speaker 2>a minute. This was not my brother, no equal, I thought,

372
00:22:28.400 --> 00:22:30.799
<v Speaker 2>as I steeled myself for what I had to come.

373
00:22:31.400 --> 00:22:33.799
<v Speaker 2>I knew, if I knew anything at all, the sight

374
00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:36.880
<v Speaker 2>of a man on a precipice, and I knew how

375
00:22:36.920 --> 00:22:41.599
<v Speaker 2>to push. You're right, I told him, and locked my

376
00:22:41.680 --> 00:22:44.559
<v Speaker 2>eyes to his, stretching the last of my strength into

377
00:22:44.559 --> 00:22:49.000
<v Speaker 2>a sharpening point. It's going to kill you. It doesn't

378
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:53.079
<v Speaker 2>want you, it's bored of you. He opened his mouth,

379
00:22:53.480 --> 00:22:56.160
<v Speaker 2>let it hang open like a fish. His eyes swam

380
00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:01.960
<v Speaker 2>behind a veil of welling tears. I know his voice

381
00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:05.279
<v Speaker 2>was dry in papery, trash caught in the wind. But

382
00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:11.720
<v Speaker 2>I can't leave, not yet. What makes you think you'll

383
00:23:11.799 --> 00:23:16.319
<v Speaker 2>satisfy it? It called to me, I said, stepping closer

384
00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:20.160
<v Speaker 2>towards the gap until I could smell his decay. It

385
00:23:20.240 --> 00:23:23.759
<v Speaker 2>called to me, and it has sung to me every

386
00:23:23.920 --> 00:23:27.680
<v Speaker 2>night since I came. Like it no longer sings to you.

387
00:23:28.920 --> 00:23:31.599
<v Speaker 2>I took this shot blind, but I saw in his

388
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:37.000
<v Speaker 2>wincing face that I had struck true. You might be right,

389
00:23:37.880 --> 00:23:42.160
<v Speaker 2>whispered with a joyless smile, that I'm here at all,

390
00:23:42.400 --> 00:23:46.000
<v Speaker 2>should cast out all doubt. I pressed further, putting one

391
00:23:46.039 --> 00:23:48.440
<v Speaker 2>hand on the door to push back until the chain

392
00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.079
<v Speaker 2>vibrated and hummed. Why are you making this so hard

393
00:23:52.119 --> 00:23:59.759
<v Speaker 2>on yourself. It's time to go, it wants me. At

394
00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:02.480
<v Speaker 2>that moment, As if to harmonize with my argument, the

395
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:06.759
<v Speaker 2>sweet song behind him surge, hot and fragrant. We turned together,

396
00:24:07.039 --> 00:24:10.000
<v Speaker 2>my gazes searching for the wondrous thing that he alone

397
00:24:10.000 --> 00:24:14.720
<v Speaker 2>could see. It's good to be talking with you, he said,

398
00:24:14.759 --> 00:24:20.119
<v Speaker 2>after a long silence. You're right, You're right. He grinned wide,

399
00:24:20.200 --> 00:24:23.279
<v Speaker 2>and I saw the rot in his teeth. I needed

400
00:24:23.319 --> 00:24:28.960
<v Speaker 2>this to clear my head. I think the words trailed off,

401
00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:33.000
<v Speaker 2>and he turned, rocking on his heels. I threw my

402
00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:35.839
<v Speaker 2>weight against the door with a feerial scream, but his

403
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:39.000
<v Speaker 2>strength outmatched mine, and the door slam shut with a

404
00:24:39.079 --> 00:24:42.720
<v Speaker 2>click that sounded like the end of the world. But

405
00:24:42.759 --> 00:24:45.279
<v Speaker 2>then I heard the shuffle of his feet away from

406
00:24:45.279 --> 00:24:48.200
<v Speaker 2>the door, heard him trying to hold his body aloft

407
00:24:48.240 --> 00:24:51.039
<v Speaker 2>before crumpling to the floor. I heard him cry out

408
00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:53.519
<v Speaker 2>a lost wail on the knife in the very heart

409
00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:56.119
<v Speaker 2>of our desire, and I knew that the gun would

410
00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:01.680
<v Speaker 2>not be kneaded I had won at last. I returned

411
00:25:01.680 --> 00:25:03.720
<v Speaker 2>to my room below, with a lightness in my step

412
00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:06.279
<v Speaker 2>that I had not felt since the days below the waves.

413
00:25:06.680 --> 00:25:10.119
<v Speaker 2>I went to gather my things and return. The time

414
00:25:10.200 --> 00:25:14.200
<v Speaker 2>to submit myself to the thing had come. The muffled

415
00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:17.240
<v Speaker 2>sounds of his voice, pleading and ragged, drifted down from above,

416
00:25:17.279 --> 00:25:21.079
<v Speaker 2>and I grinned, approaching ecstasy. I heard the sound of

417
00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:24.319
<v Speaker 2>something being dragged, and there was a great surge of motion,

418
00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:29.799
<v Speaker 2>announced in vibrations through the walls. A trouble, explosion, splintering

419
00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:33.640
<v Speaker 2>symphony of glass outside my window, a sparkling cloud of

420
00:25:33.680 --> 00:25:37.599
<v Speaker 2>frozen light, and an over stuffed leather chair hung illuminated

421
00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:41.559
<v Speaker 2>in the night air, an absurd tableau of shattered glass

422
00:25:41.599 --> 00:25:47.200
<v Speaker 2>and furniture defying gravity. Then it was gone. I heard,

423
00:25:47.240 --> 00:25:49.960
<v Speaker 2>in the following silence, the heavy tread of his feet,

424
00:25:50.279 --> 00:25:53.680
<v Speaker 2>then the meaningless babble of his final words. Away from

425
00:25:53.720 --> 00:25:57.440
<v Speaker 2>the window, towards the door. Stop, a pacing circle, stop,

426
00:25:58.119 --> 00:26:02.359
<v Speaker 2>a sudden run, a blazing trail towards the window, towards

427
00:26:02.359 --> 00:26:05.880
<v Speaker 2>the open night. I pressed myself against the cool glass.

428
00:26:05.920 --> 00:26:08.000
<v Speaker 2>The breath stopped in my lungs, and I saw him

429
00:26:08.039 --> 00:26:12.920
<v Speaker 2>go one leg out a runner, jumping hurdles, wild hair

430
00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:15.759
<v Speaker 2>whipping in the breeze, arms wide to the night sky,

431
00:26:17.240 --> 00:26:20.599
<v Speaker 2>free and like the glass in the chair. Before he

432
00:26:20.720 --> 00:26:25.200
<v Speaker 2>was gone, no sound announced his impact. He simply vanished.

433
00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:29.319
<v Speaker 2>The blooming corpse flower smell surged hotter and brighter than ever.

434
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:31.880
<v Speaker 2>And if I could have scaled the air itself to

435
00:26:31.960 --> 00:26:34.519
<v Speaker 2>ascend to the roof above me, I would have clawed

436
00:26:34.599 --> 00:26:38.359
<v Speaker 2>through ground, my fingers to the bone. But it was

437
00:26:38.440 --> 00:26:42.880
<v Speaker 2>too much, and I broke each joint, separating each muscle

438
00:26:42.960 --> 00:26:46.000
<v Speaker 2>going slack. I dropped to the floor, unconscious. Before I

439
00:26:46.079 --> 00:26:49.880
<v Speaker 2>hit the ground, I woke how much later, I do

440
00:26:50.000 --> 00:26:52.920
<v Speaker 2>not know, to the sound of far away sirens trilling

441
00:26:52.960 --> 00:26:55.880
<v Speaker 2>in the air. My body tapped into its final reserves,

442
00:26:55.880 --> 00:26:59.279
<v Speaker 2>flooding my limbs with carefully hearted fire, and I surged

443
00:26:59.319 --> 00:27:03.039
<v Speaker 2>to my feet. I didn't have much time. The police,

444
00:27:03.160 --> 00:27:05.839
<v Speaker 2>the manager, They would be to his room any moment.

445
00:27:06.359 --> 00:27:08.319
<v Speaker 2>I took the stairs two at a time and flew

446
00:27:08.359 --> 00:27:11.680
<v Speaker 2>down the hallway. He had unlocked the door before his fall.

447
00:27:11.880 --> 00:27:14.880
<v Speaker 2>In a final gesture of resignation, I put my hand

448
00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:17.640
<v Speaker 2>on the door knob and side in glorious expectation. As

449
00:27:17.640 --> 00:27:20.920
<v Speaker 2>I pushed the door open. The room was a twin

450
00:27:21.000 --> 00:27:24.559
<v Speaker 2>of mine. The occupant, my predecessor, had lived like I had,

451
00:27:24.640 --> 00:27:28.240
<v Speaker 2>out of boxes, with minimal furniture. Waist and rumpled piles

452
00:27:28.240 --> 00:27:30.920
<v Speaker 2>of clothes were strewn across the room. The great hole

453
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:33.559
<v Speaker 2>in the glass window sucked at the air. The sounds

454
00:27:33.559 --> 00:27:35.559
<v Speaker 2>of traffic in the world below came to me for

455
00:27:35.559 --> 00:27:39.960
<v Speaker 2>the first time in months. The curtains fluttered, whipping like

456
00:27:40.079 --> 00:27:44.279
<v Speaker 2>flags of surrender. The call was stronger than ever before,

457
00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:47.319
<v Speaker 2>and I closed the door behind me, my eyes vacant

458
00:27:47.359 --> 00:27:53.359
<v Speaker 2>and searching. It was here, the siren, the flower, the lure.

459
00:27:54.279 --> 00:27:57.480
<v Speaker 2>At first I could see nothing, But as I walked

460
00:27:57.519 --> 00:28:01.960
<v Speaker 2>on uncertain, atrophied feet, I began to at last perceive it.

461
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:05.680
<v Speaker 2>As I stepped sideways, it resolved from nothingness, like a

462
00:28:05.680 --> 00:28:08.720
<v Speaker 2>sheet of paper. Seen first from the edge, It was

463
00:28:08.759 --> 00:28:12.680
<v Speaker 2>a seam in the world, a tear, a hot, colorless

464
00:28:12.759 --> 00:28:18.119
<v Speaker 2>wrend across space, impossibly thin yet gaping wide. It flared

465
00:28:18.559 --> 00:28:23.079
<v Speaker 2>achingly bright in recognition of my awareness. The cloying smell

466
00:28:23.160 --> 00:28:26.799
<v Speaker 2>flooded my nostrils and twined around my ribs. The call

467
00:28:26.880 --> 00:28:30.319
<v Speaker 2>was a fire in my pierced forearms, in my veins,

468
00:28:30.519 --> 00:28:35.680
<v Speaker 2>and my ecstasy was complete. It seemed to curl and whip,

469
00:28:35.720 --> 00:28:39.240
<v Speaker 2>but it never moved. Alien colors and smells flooded from

470
00:28:39.279 --> 00:28:42.200
<v Speaker 2>the maw. Somewhere deep in the core of my body.

471
00:28:42.200 --> 00:28:46.240
<v Speaker 2>I felt it reach inside and touch me. The wordless

472
00:28:46.279 --> 00:28:49.920
<v Speaker 2>beckon of the past months resolved like a picture snapping

473
00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:55.799
<v Speaker 2>into focus, and it spoke to me. I walked towards it,

474
00:28:56.240 --> 00:28:59.720
<v Speaker 2>my hands outstretched, weeping with joy. The heat of the

475
00:28:59.759 --> 00:29:02.960
<v Speaker 2>thing seemed to reignite every nerve ending in my body.

476
00:29:03.680 --> 00:29:08.799
<v Speaker 2>It made me whole, healed me, comforted me, washed over

477
00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:10.960
<v Speaker 2>me like the old wave, and I knew I would

478
00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:15.839
<v Speaker 2>never want for anything, never fear I would be loved

479
00:29:16.079 --> 00:29:22.000
<v Speaker 2>for all time. It asked precious little in return. I

480
00:29:22.079 --> 00:29:25.119
<v Speaker 2>might have stepped into its oceanic arms, forever, might have

481
00:29:25.160 --> 00:29:28.519
<v Speaker 2>been lost to its promises. If something had not awoken

482
00:29:28.559 --> 00:29:32.880
<v Speaker 2>in me, then perhaps my true self emerged, sober, at last,

483
00:29:33.240 --> 00:29:36.640
<v Speaker 2>lost to the bile chasm's draw so long ago. Perhaps

484
00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:39.279
<v Speaker 2>it was only the unthinking, panicked animal we all hold

485
00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:43.119
<v Speaker 2>chained in our psyche, the runner, the fighter. Perhaps it

486
00:29:43.160 --> 00:29:46.000
<v Speaker 2>was the echo of the occupant, his last act of defying,

487
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:49.400
<v Speaker 2>Still rustling in the breeze with the shredded curtains. I

488
00:29:49.480 --> 00:29:53.559
<v Speaker 2>do not know whatever emerged it took control of that moment.

489
00:29:54.440 --> 00:29:58.599
<v Speaker 2>I saw its lies. I saw it imprisoned by the sky,

490
00:29:58.799 --> 00:30:03.759
<v Speaker 2>calling out filthy, wreaking promises to those below, those attuned

491
00:30:03.799 --> 00:30:07.640
<v Speaker 2>to the foul wavelength, the desire for oblivion. I saw

492
00:30:07.720 --> 00:30:11.960
<v Speaker 2>delicate filaments of influence, coils of burning plasma, reaching down

493
00:30:12.079 --> 00:30:16.839
<v Speaker 2>to the city below, infecting, cancerous. I saw them wrapping

494
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:21.680
<v Speaker 2>around the lights and hearts of men, choking, crushing, hateful.

495
00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:26.720
<v Speaker 2>It was the Borderlands. It was the name to my

496
00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:30.079
<v Speaker 2>nameless fear of the dark places in the city and

497
00:30:30.200 --> 00:30:34.920
<v Speaker 2>inside me. It was, and it will always be. It

498
00:30:34.920 --> 00:30:38.799
<v Speaker 2>would use me, bend me, break me. It already had.

499
00:30:39.240 --> 00:30:41.640
<v Speaker 2>When I was done no more use to it, I

500
00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:46.480
<v Speaker 2>would be cast aside, and it would call again. I

501
00:30:46.599 --> 00:30:49.279
<v Speaker 2>tugged for control of my body, a flesh and bone

502
00:30:49.319 --> 00:30:52.920
<v Speaker 2>trader that still approached this fragment of profane divinity. I

503
00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:56.000
<v Speaker 2>pulled harder, and when my vessel cracked free of its grip,

504
00:30:56.079 --> 00:30:58.720
<v Speaker 2>I slid back into my skin and allowed the animal

505
00:30:58.799 --> 00:31:03.039
<v Speaker 2>instincts to guide my escape. I stopped only long enough

506
00:31:03.079 --> 00:31:06.039
<v Speaker 2>to kick twice at the dials of the expensive gas

507
00:31:06.119 --> 00:31:09.039
<v Speaker 2>stove with one bare foot, the rotten egg odor of

508
00:31:09.079 --> 00:31:12.559
<v Speaker 2>gas began to twirl with the corpse flower smell. An

509
00:31:12.559 --> 00:31:15.200
<v Speaker 2>hour later, I would marvel at the blood pooling in

510
00:31:15.279 --> 00:31:17.799
<v Speaker 2>my shoe with every footstep as I fled the tower

511
00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:20.920
<v Speaker 2>and race to the edge of the city. But not now.

512
00:31:21.720 --> 00:31:26.720
<v Speaker 2>Now I felt nothing. I do not remember descending the stairs.

513
00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:29.839
<v Speaker 2>I entered my flat and grabbed a single, still packed

514
00:31:29.880 --> 00:31:33.920
<v Speaker 2>duffel bag in my long abandoned shoes. It called to

515
00:31:33.960 --> 00:31:38.519
<v Speaker 2>me from above, furious and reproachful, promising and threatening, all

516
00:31:38.599 --> 00:31:43.240
<v Speaker 2>at once and painfully familiar. I could not shut it out,

517
00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:45.680
<v Speaker 2>but I held tight to the image of the occupant

518
00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:49.279
<v Speaker 2>soaring gracefully through the air, arms, forever fllling at the

519
00:31:49.319 --> 00:31:53.640
<v Speaker 2>task of being wings hanging in the night sky. I

520
00:31:53.680 --> 00:31:56.200
<v Speaker 2>would leave the tower in my own way, I thought,

521
00:31:56.440 --> 00:32:00.799
<v Speaker 2>And this simple promise kept my body my own. I

522
00:32:00.880 --> 00:32:03.559
<v Speaker 2>lit my own gas so before I went, and from

523
00:32:03.599 --> 00:32:06.559
<v Speaker 2>a curling strip of a discarded pizza box, I made

524
00:32:06.559 --> 00:32:08.960
<v Speaker 2>a small torch which I held to the ragged ceiling

525
00:32:09.440 --> 00:32:12.519
<v Speaker 2>one of the tiny frayed holes. The legacy of my

526
00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:17.400
<v Speaker 2>vandal idiocy began to smolder. I do not remember choosing

527
00:32:17.440 --> 00:32:21.640
<v Speaker 2>to do this. I simply did because it was unlike

528
00:32:21.720 --> 00:32:24.720
<v Speaker 2>everything else in the tower, unlike everything else I had

529
00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:29.559
<v Speaker 2>done for half a year, right in some profound way.

530
00:32:30.720 --> 00:32:33.240
<v Speaker 2>When I left it no longer was promising anything but

531
00:32:33.279 --> 00:32:37.079
<v Speaker 2>everlasting suffering and pain and submission. Yet I still wanted

532
00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:41.200
<v Speaker 2>to go to it, still felt that elemental undertow At

533
00:32:41.200 --> 00:32:44.640
<v Speaker 2>the staircase, I very nearly went up, feeling some awful

534
00:32:44.720 --> 00:32:48.079
<v Speaker 2>analog of gravity tugging me skyward. It would have been

535
00:32:48.279 --> 00:32:51.880
<v Speaker 2>so easy to go to it, to surrender myself to

536
00:32:51.920 --> 00:32:55.039
<v Speaker 2>its magnificent tides. When I hung frozen in the air

537
00:32:55.079 --> 00:32:58.640
<v Speaker 2>with my predecessor, saw his final relief and escape, and

538
00:32:58.720 --> 00:33:02.559
<v Speaker 2>made my body to set out on the sidewalk. A

539
00:33:02.559 --> 00:33:05.960
<v Speaker 2>pair of policemen interviewed the manager, jotting notes as the

540
00:33:06.000 --> 00:33:09.920
<v Speaker 2>fat man wrung as perfectly groomed hands. He saw me coming,

541
00:33:10.319 --> 00:33:13.200
<v Speaker 2>saw me wild eyed and unkempt, and his piggish eyes

542
00:33:13.359 --> 00:33:17.880
<v Speaker 2>narrowed into slits. He thought I'd come now to claim

543
00:33:17.920 --> 00:33:21.119
<v Speaker 2>my spot in the waiting list, to take ownership of

544
00:33:21.160 --> 00:33:27.039
<v Speaker 2>the room. He thought me a grotesque, monster, murderer. He

545
00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:29.440
<v Speaker 2>opened his mouth to speak, and from above there came

546
00:33:29.480 --> 00:33:33.279
<v Speaker 2>a great and terrible roar, a cacophony of cracking glass.

547
00:33:33.680 --> 00:33:35.960
<v Speaker 2>A tongue of fire licked the night sky from the

548
00:33:35.960 --> 00:33:39.480
<v Speaker 2>gaping hole of a tower's side. Glass began to rain.

549
00:33:39.839 --> 00:33:42.799
<v Speaker 2>Burning scraps of paper and clothing danced in the night sky,

550
00:33:43.519 --> 00:33:47.799
<v Speaker 2>while all eyes were upturned, voices raised in confusion and distress.

551
00:33:48.599 --> 00:33:57.559
<v Speaker 2>I turned and slipped away into the night. They want

552
00:33:57.599 --> 00:34:00.920
<v Speaker 2>me back in the city to answer questions. I know

553
00:34:01.039 --> 00:34:04.359
<v Speaker 2>that any day they will come, but warrant drag me

554
00:34:04.359 --> 00:34:07.400
<v Speaker 2>from my new home to answer what happened in the tower.

555
00:34:08.199 --> 00:34:10.639
<v Speaker 2>I know, of course, that I failed to kill it,

556
00:34:11.039 --> 00:34:14.159
<v Speaker 2>that I could never have even truly harmed it. At best,

557
00:34:14.239 --> 00:34:18.159
<v Speaker 2>I kept others from it, or a short time, perhaps

558
00:34:18.239 --> 00:34:20.800
<v Speaker 2>I kept a single, mad and passionate fool from falling

559
00:34:20.840 --> 00:34:24.039
<v Speaker 2>into its slick and sweet honey trap. This and my

560
00:34:24.159 --> 00:34:28.840
<v Speaker 2>own temporary safety are enough. I also know that even

561
00:34:28.880 --> 00:34:32.320
<v Speaker 2>if they never find this cabin, never tracked down the

562
00:34:32.360 --> 00:34:35.039
<v Speaker 2>twisting trail of money that allowed me to flee the city,

563
00:34:35.400 --> 00:34:38.960
<v Speaker 2>even if I lived to see a natural death, that

564
00:34:39.039 --> 00:34:43.239
<v Speaker 2>I can never be free. It has marked me forever,

565
00:34:43.920 --> 00:34:46.960
<v Speaker 2>that salivating sweet smell as ever in my nostrils, it

566
00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:49.800
<v Speaker 2>never stops speaking, and I will see it in every

567
00:34:49.920 --> 00:34:54.559
<v Speaker 2>crumbling barn, in every rusting skeleton of every abandoned car.

568
00:34:55.119 --> 00:34:58.599
<v Speaker 2>I saw its writhing tendrils growing and thickening across the

569
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:01.280
<v Speaker 2>city as I fled. I saw them twine across the

570
00:35:01.360 --> 00:35:04.440
<v Speaker 2>land in every highway border town. I see them in

571
00:35:04.480 --> 00:35:08.360
<v Speaker 2>every dying community I've passed through. It is not quite

572
00:35:08.519 --> 00:35:14.000
<v Speaker 2>here yet, in the dark woods, my isolation, my final home,

573
00:35:14.880 --> 00:35:19.679
<v Speaker 2>but it will come. It is a corrupting and spreading growth.

574
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.039
<v Speaker 2>It isolates, It squeezes, it chokes, it infects. If a

575
00:35:24.079 --> 00:35:26.840
<v Speaker 2>lone cell should escape, then the refugee can only carry

576
00:35:26.840 --> 00:35:32.199
<v Speaker 2>the contagion with him. It is inside me. Someday it

577
00:35:32.239 --> 00:35:35.400
<v Speaker 2>will have me back. I can only hope in the

578
00:35:35.519 --> 00:35:38.000
<v Speaker 2>end that I will fight, that I will not go

579
00:35:38.159 --> 00:35:40.480
<v Speaker 2>so willingly. But I know that when it calls me

580
00:35:40.559 --> 00:35:44.559
<v Speaker 2>home at last, I will go without question. I will

581
00:35:44.599 --> 00:35:47.920
<v Speaker 2>return to a city that has become one immense dead place,

582
00:35:48.320 --> 00:35:53.039
<v Speaker 2>one massive, heartless hinterland. I will answer for my small

583
00:35:53.079 --> 00:35:57.840
<v Speaker 2>and meaningless act of rebellion. But not today, the day,

584
00:35:58.480 --> 00:36:04.039
<v Speaker 2>at the very least main free. Today is enough.

585
00:36:13.519 --> 00:36:17.559
<v Speaker 1>You have been listening to Observable Radio. Tonight's episode Mapping

586
00:36:17.599 --> 00:36:22.199
<v Speaker 1>the Crooked Places was performed by the ensemble featuring Jason Smith,

587
00:36:22.800 --> 00:36:26.320
<v Speaker 1>written by Cameron Suey, Produced by Cameron Suey, Phil ven

588
00:36:26.320 --> 00:36:30.800
<v Speaker 1>hest Purparina and Wendy Hector. Edited by Cameron Suey. Our

589
00:36:30.840 --> 00:36:34.599
<v Speaker 1>psychology consultant is Doctor Elisa Leel art by Karn Fletcher.

590
00:36:34.679 --> 00:36:37.559
<v Speaker 1>Our theme is The back Rooms performed by Mew. Additional

591
00:36:37.639 --> 00:36:40.800
<v Speaker 1>music from this episode provided by Amber Glow, Aauve Air

592
00:36:41.119 --> 00:36:46.079
<v Speaker 1>Dex twelve hundred, Bill Fergren, Lennon Hutton, Tim Koolick Parr,

593
00:36:46.239 --> 00:36:50.639
<v Speaker 1>and Rocket Noise. Observable Radio is listener supported thanks to

594
00:36:50.679 --> 00:36:54.719
<v Speaker 1>all of our patrons and listeners, including Kathleen, John Tidd, Russ,

595
00:36:54.960 --> 00:36:59.159
<v Speaker 1>Rick Callison, Brianna and Zach. Patrons fund the production costs

596
00:36:59.159 --> 00:37:01.039
<v Speaker 1>of this show as well. Let's get access to behind

597
00:37:01.079 --> 00:37:04.159
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598
00:37:04.199 --> 00:37:07.400
<v Speaker 1>Observable Radio Company Store, and an ad free early release

599
00:37:07.440 --> 00:37:10.519
<v Speaker 1>feed of this show, all at Patreon dot com slash

600
00:37:10.559 --> 00:37:13.400
<v Speaker 1>Observable Radio. With the help of our patrons, We've just

601
00:37:13.440 --> 00:37:16.679
<v Speaker 1>launched the Observable Radio Company Store at Observable radio dot

602
00:37:16.679 --> 00:37:20.320
<v Speaker 1>com slash store. There you'll find new stickers, an enamel pin,

603
00:37:20.559 --> 00:37:22.920
<v Speaker 1>and our very first T shirts on sale and shipping

604
00:37:22.920 --> 00:37:25.280
<v Speaker 1>anywhere in the world. We'd be grateful if you stop

605
00:37:25.320 --> 00:37:27.880
<v Speaker 1>by to take a peek. Thank you for listening, and

606
00:37:27.960 --> 00:37:28.639
<v Speaker 1>stay tuned.