WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>Section three of the Skiddy Gloak by Oliver Herford. This

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<v Speaker 1>Librivoks recording is in the public domain. Part three Foreign Countries,

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<v Speaker 1>Chapter twenty seven. South America. From the beginning of time

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<v Speaker 1>up to the present century, the continents of North and

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<v Speaker 1>South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony.

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<v Speaker 1>They were seemingly inseparable. The first indication that everything was

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<v Speaker 1>not as it should be with this long united couple

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<v Speaker 1>was in the year eighteen eighty, when a Frenchman named Dalsivs,

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<v Speaker 1>who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa, attempted

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<v Speaker 1>to bring about a separation. The attempt, however, was a failure,

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<v Speaker 1>and after dragging on for eight years, proceedings were dropped

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<v Speaker 1>for want of funds. Fourteen years later, President Roosevelt, desiring

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<v Speaker 1>to move all obstacles to a much desired union of

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<v Speaker 1>the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, started an a new action

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<v Speaker 1>for divorce on the same grounds is that of Dalla

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<v Speaker 1>SIPs and in August nineteen oh two, the divorce of

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<v Speaker 1>North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic

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<v Speaker 1>and Pacific oceans were simultaneously celebrated. The northern and southern

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<v Speaker 1>continents are now better friends than ever, and the Atlantic

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<v Speaker 1>Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back

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<v Speaker 1>door to spend an evening with the Pacific Chapter twenty eight. Holland.

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<v Speaker 1>The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So

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<v Speaker 1>deep seated is Dutch cleanliness that godliness in the next

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<v Speaker 1>seat must get up and cling to a strap. In Holland,

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<v Speaker 1>they run cleanliness into the ground. The heads of the

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<v Speaker 1>cabbages are inspected every day, and the ears of the

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<v Speaker 1>corn and necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.

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<v Speaker 1>The sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife,

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<v Speaker 1>but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters.

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<v Speaker 1>Even the wind is not allowed to be idle. Windmills

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<v Speaker 1>are posted everywhere, and not a breath of eric and

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<v Speaker 1>stir without per forming some useful task. And the sea,

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<v Speaker 1>the majestic sea that has always boasted of its freedom,

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<v Speaker 1>is locked up in dykes and forced to do the

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<v Speaker 1>work of highways and railroads. The capital of Holland is

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<v Speaker 1>the Hogue, and here was the first peace conference in

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<v Speaker 1>eighteen ninety eight, a gathering of autocrats and plutocrats to

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<v Speaker 1>discuss the economics of war, firstly, to make rules by

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<v Speaker 1>which war may be conducted with the least possible damage

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<v Speaker 1>to vested interests. Secondly, to reduce the cost of war

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<v Speaker 1>by the use of methods which, while putting a soldier

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<v Speaker 1>out of action, will not injure him beyond the possibility

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<v Speaker 1>of repair for use in another war. Today the Peace

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<v Speaker 1>Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it,

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<v Speaker 1>is dead. But another conference called by Woodrow Wilson is

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<v Speaker 1>to be held in Geneva, which Peter Simple hopes will

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<v Speaker 1>abolish war forever. The inhabitants of Holland are the most

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<v Speaker 1>moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army

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<v Speaker 1>is second to none in bravery and won the World

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<v Speaker 1>War Chapter twenty nine. Belgium. Belgium may be compared to

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<v Speaker 1>hollandais sauce with a piquant Gallic flavor. Belgium is the

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<v Speaker 1>bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of Belgium

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<v Speaker 1>is the modern Horatius, who, facing fearful odds for the

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<v Speaker 1>ashes of his fathers and the temple of his gods,

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<v Speaker 1>kept the bridge in the brave days of nineteen fourteen.

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<v Speaker 1>Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in

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<v Speaker 1>nineteen fourteen, but the crown of King Albert is of

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<v Speaker 1>the sort that will never be out of style, and,

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<v Speaker 1>besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.

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<v Speaker 1>When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the bravest of

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<v Speaker 1>all the Gauls, he was a prophet as well as

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<v Speaker 1>a historian. The inhabitants of Belgium are the most moral

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<v Speaker 1>and patriotic people in the world, and if they hadn't

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<v Speaker 1>kept the bridge, the World War could never have been won.

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<v Speaker 1>Chapter thirty. France. France is the greatest millinery power on Earth.

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<v Speaker 1>The capital of France is Paris. Paris, though inhabited largely

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<v Speaker 1>by Americans and English, is famous for its gaiety. The

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<v Speaker 1>principal products of Paris are plaster of Paris, Paris green parasols,

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<v Speaker 1>and pate de foi gras. A literation is the thief

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<v Speaker 1>of accuracy. Pate de foi gras is the product of Strasbourg.

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<v Speaker 1>The reader. The reader is for once mistaken Paris, as

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<v Speaker 1>everyone knows is France and Strasbourg. Thanks to Hague folk,

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<v Speaker 1>Albert Pershing and co. Is now French. Paris is divided

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<v Speaker 1>into two parts. One Paris Proper, famous for the Eiffel Tower,

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<v Speaker 1>a skyscraper that contains no offices, and the Magasine de Louver,

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<v Speaker 1>which is visited by thousands of Americans daily. There is

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<v Speaker 1>also another louver containing some pictures and painted and statues.

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<v Speaker 1>Two Paris Improper. See appendix appendix see next page. The

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<v Speaker 1>appendix has been removed. The inhabitants of France are the

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<v Speaker 1>most moral and patriotic people in the world, and their

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<v Speaker 1>army is second to none in bravery and won the

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<v Speaker 1>World War Chapter thirty one. Germany this space to let

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<v Speaker 1>while repairs are being made in the temporary absence of

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<v Speaker 1>Messrs hohen Zeldern and Company. The show window of this

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<v Speaker 1>establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, anarchism, socialism,

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<v Speaker 1>or any other popular ism that may apply. Chapter thirty

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<v Speaker 1>two Switzerland. Switzerland is famous for its condensed milk, cuckoo clocks, yodelers,

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<v Speaker 1>and heroes. The Swiss are an artless people, what more

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<v Speaker 1>worthy people whose every alpine gap yawns with tradition and

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<v Speaker 1>is stocked with noble story. Yet the perverse and scornful

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<v Speaker 1>one art will none of it, and the sons of

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<v Speaker 1>patriot are left with the clock that turns the mill

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<v Speaker 1>and the sudden cuckoo with difficulty restrained in its box whistler.

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<v Speaker 1>The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most moral and patriotic

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<v Speaker 1>people in the world, and their army is second to

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<v Speaker 1>none in bravery and won the World War. Chapter thirty three. Monaco.

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<v Speaker 1>Monaco is the center of the spinning industry of the world.

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<v Speaker 1>Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte

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<v Speaker 1>Carlo every year to spin. The inhabitants of Monaco are

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<v Speaker 1>the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and

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<v Speaker 1>their army is second to none in bravery and won

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<v Speaker 1>the World War. Chapter thirty four. Turkey. When what was

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<v Speaker 1>once a turkey comes before us on a platter like this,

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<v Speaker 1>shorn of that endeared itself a burnt offering to appetite

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<v Speaker 1>fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be

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<v Speaker 1>the last scene of all that ends this strange, eventful history.

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<v Speaker 1>All he wants to know is whether he will get

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<v Speaker 1>the particular slice he is mentally reserved for himself, just

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<v Speaker 1>so that other turkey that sits on the fence between

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<v Speaker 1>Europe and Asia, and gobbles defiance At an avenging world.

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<v Speaker 1>The avenging powers sit round as they have sat round before,

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<v Speaker 1>waiting each one for the slice. He is mentally reserved

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<v Speaker 1>for himself. But there won't be any slices. You may burn,

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<v Speaker 1>you may shatter the Turk. If you will, he will

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<v Speaker 1>rise from his ashes and roost with you. Still. He's

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<v Speaker 1>the modern incarnation of the indestructible phoenix burd Nevertheless, we

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<v Speaker 1>must give the devil his due. The Turks are a

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<v Speaker 1>fearless people. They have many wives. The inhabitants of Turkey

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<v Speaker 1>are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,

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<v Speaker 1>and their army is second to none in brave and

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<v Speaker 1>they won the World War. Chapter thirty five. Russia. Russia

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<v Speaker 1>comprises one sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the globe.

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<v Speaker 1>Formerly the property of a tsar named Nicholas, it is

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<v Speaker 1>now owned by a superstar named Lenin. The principal objects

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<v Speaker 1>of interest are Samovars, Soviets, sables, and the steps. The

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<v Speaker 1>steps of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing

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<v Speaker 1>to do with those of the Russian dancers at the

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<v Speaker 1>present stage of Russian affairs. They may better be compared

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<v Speaker 1>to the well known steps to Avernus, which are for

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<v Speaker 1>descent only and easy at that. Today almost the only

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<v Speaker 1>articles of Russian manufacture are natural ice and press dispatches

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<v Speaker 1>of manufacture, of the latter, as regards volume, at least,

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<v Speaker 1>there has never been such an enorm Why go on

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<v Speaker 1>about Russia? The reader quite right, Russia is too large

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<v Speaker 1>for such a little geography as this. We will leave

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<v Speaker 1>Russia as quickly as possible. Watch your step, Chapter thirty four.

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<v Speaker 1>Norway and Sweden. It is all very sad about Norway

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<v Speaker 1>and Sweden. A handsomer country couple or couple of countries,

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<v Speaker 1>it would be hard to meet anywhere. And so propinquous

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<v Speaker 1>have they not been next door neighbors from the infancy

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<v Speaker 1>of the worlds? And everybody knows what propinquity does. It

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<v Speaker 1>is Cupid's middle name. What more natural than that they

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<v Speaker 1>should get married, haven't you heard? Well it all happened

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<v Speaker 1>so quickly, and they were married in Vienna in eighteen fifteen,

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<v Speaker 1>and well you know, propinquity is the devil's middle name too.

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<v Speaker 1>They were divorced in nineteen oh five, after a brief

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<v Speaker 1>married life of only ninety years. What could have been

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<v Speaker 1>the trouble. Some say the food, others attributed to the

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<v Speaker 1>domestic drama. Perhaps it was both. Here is a typical

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<v Speaker 1>Scandinavian menu pickled oysters, bisk of snails, fried fish, native wine, quince,

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<v Speaker 1>ice cream, onions, and biscuits. It might almost pass for

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<v Speaker 1>an Ibsen play with the average theatergoer. It has what

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<v Speaker 1>the average theatergoer calls atmosphere. I once drew Ibsen looking

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<v Speaker 1>bored across a deep Norwegian fjord, and very nearly everyone

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<v Speaker 1>mistook him for the midnight Sun. Norway is the home

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<v Speaker 1>of the Ibsinian orstodgy, as distinguished from the Stagy drama.

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<v Speaker 1>James Hunneker, the eminent luxographer, as a compliment to that

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<v Speaker 1>great and here stutiferous playwright, has re christened Norway the

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<v Speaker 1>Land of the Midnight Whiskers. The inhabitants of Norway and

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<v Speaker 1>Sweden are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,

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<v Speaker 1>and they won the World War Chapter thirty seven Africa.

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<v Speaker 1>Africa is the richest jackpot in the game of Territorial

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<v Speaker 1>Freeze out played by the European powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber,

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<v Speaker 1>and slaves. Though the latter are nominally outside the limit.

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<v Speaker 1>The game began nearly three centuries ago, and now in

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<v Speaker 1>the early morning of the twentieth century, such a fascinating

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<v Speaker 1>game as poker. It is still in progress, though Germany,

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<v Speaker 1>who staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out.

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<v Speaker 1>The ancient Greek geographer Strabo sixty four BC describes Africa

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<v Speaker 1>as the fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and

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<v Speaker 1>similar animals, of lions also and panthers. He does not

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<v Speaker 1>mention the chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all

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<v Speaker 1>the aboriginal inhabitants, a gentle and peace loving race, abstemious

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<v Speaker 1>without being bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree. Very

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<v Speaker 1>few surviving transportation from their native jungle children. Behold the chimpanzee.

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<v Speaker 1>He sits on the ancestral tree from which we sprang

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<v Speaker 1>in ages gone. I'm glad we sprang. Had we held on,

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<v Speaker 1>we might for all that I can say, be horrid chimpanzees. Today,

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<v Speaker 1>the inhabitants of Africa are the most moral and patriotic

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<v Speaker 1>in the world, and their army is second to none

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<v Speaker 1>in bravery and won the World War. Chapter thirty eight Arabia.

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<v Speaker 1>Arabia is the home of the camel and the Bedouin.

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<v Speaker 1>The camel may be likened to a desert ship. This

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<v Speaker 1>is not new. He is a most ungainly craft, with

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<v Speaker 1>frowning turrets for and aft. We little realize on earth

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<v Speaker 1>how much we owe to his great girth. For should

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<v Speaker 1>he ever shrink so small as through the needle's eye

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<v Speaker 1>to crawl, rich men might climb the golden stairs, and

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<v Speaker 1>so leave nothing to their heirs. The camel is called

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<v Speaker 1>the ship of the desert because its gate is said

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<v Speaker 1>to resemble the motion of a ship. To be strictly accurate,

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<v Speaker 1>it is one hundred times worse than a ship, but

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<v Speaker 1>not quite so bad as a motor bus. The Bedouin

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<v Speaker 1>makes his bed in the sand or bedrock, avoiding river

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<v Speaker 1>beds or water. In any form. He must not be

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<v Speaker 1>confounded with the folding Bedouins of North America. The Folding

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<v Speaker 1>Bedouins are a semi nomadic tribe supposed by some to

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<v Speaker 1>be related to the hall Romanians and the red Incas

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<v Speaker 1>of Bohemia. The inhabitants of Arabia are the most moral

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<v Speaker 1>and patriotic in the world, and their Army is second

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<v Speaker 1>to none in bravery and won the World War. Chapter

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<v Speaker 1>thirty nine, Australia. Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome

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<v Speaker 1>rotation of our seasons should go to Australia, where spring

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<v Speaker 1>commences on September the twenty third, summer on December the

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<v Speaker 1>twenty second, autumn on March the twenty first, and winter

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<v Speaker 1>on June the twenty first. The fauna of Australia, as

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<v Speaker 1>if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the seasons,

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<v Speaker 1>is represented by the ornithurinkis paradox, which Peter Simple has

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<v Speaker 1>described in the following lines. My child, the duck billed platypus,

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<v Speaker 1>a sad example sets for us. From him, we learn

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<v Speaker 1>how indecision of character provokes derision. This vacillating beast, you see,

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<v Speaker 1>could not decide which he would be fish, flesh, or fowl,

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<v Speaker 1>and chose all three. The scientists were sorely vexed to

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<v Speaker 1>classify him, so perplexed their brains that they, with rage

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<v Speaker 1>at bay, called him a horrid name one day, a

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<v Speaker 1>name that baffles, frights and shocks us. Or Nithorynchus paradoxus.

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<v Speaker 1>The inhabitants of Australia are the most moral and patriotic

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<v Speaker 1>people in the world, and their army is second to

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<v Speaker 1>none in bravery and won the World War Chapter forty China.

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<v Speaker 1>China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the

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<v Speaker 1>most exclusive flower garden in the world and is surrounded

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<v Speaker 1>by a high wall. The only flower that succeeds in

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<v Speaker 1>climbing the high wall is Little Flower of Pico and

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<v Speaker 1>her sisters, who leave their porcelain paradise to cheer without

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<v Speaker 1>inebriating the dull people of the outside world. The country

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<v Speaker 1>of China, too, may be likened to a flower. Her

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<v Speaker 1>treasure is the envy of the world, and flower like

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<v Speaker 1>she must remain rooted to the ground while the busy

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<v Speaker 1>bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses.

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<v Speaker 1>Everyone agrees that China should have an open door, but

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<v Speaker 1>the busy bee nations want a door that opens only inwards,

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<v Speaker 1>while the flower nation wants a door that opens only outwards.

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<v Speaker 1>At a recent conference of bees and flowers, Peter Simple

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<v Speaker 1>suggested a revolving door as a compromise. A commission was

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<v Speaker 1>at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report

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<v Speaker 1>on revolving doors. The matter is still being revolved. It

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<v Speaker 1>may end in a revolution. The inhabitants of China are

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<v Speaker 1>the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and

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<v Speaker 1>their army is second to none in bravery and won

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<v Speaker 1>the World War One. Japan. The inhabitants of Japan are

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<v Speaker 1>the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and

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<v Speaker 1>their army is second to none in bravery and won

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<v Speaker 1>the World War Chapter forty two Egypt, India, Italy, Spain, Greece,

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<v Speaker 1>et cetera. No work on geography could be called complete

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<v Speaker 1>without a description of these six counting, et cetera countries.

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<v Speaker 1>If the readers should ask me how I came to

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<v Speaker 1>leave six such important countries to the last page, I

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<v Speaker 1>should be compelled to change the subject. Writing a little

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<v Speaker 1>geography book is like packing a very small bag for

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<v Speaker 1>a journey around the world. Only instead of cramming it

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<v Speaker 1>with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes,

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<v Speaker 1>you stuff it full of countries. And when you try

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<v Speaker 1>to close it, as with the bag, you always find

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<v Speaker 1>that you have left out at least several of the

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<v Speaker 1>most important things. No amount of squeezing or sitting on

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<v Speaker 1>the lid will make room for six such big countries

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<v Speaker 1>and a little book that is already as fall as

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<v Speaker 1>it can be. The only thing to do is take

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<v Speaker 1>out all the countries in them in a row, and

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<v Speaker 1>see which you can get along best. Without you can't

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<v Speaker 1>possibly spare any of the large countries. The question is

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<v Speaker 1>how many of the little countries together would you? Are

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<v Speaker 1>digressing again worse than ever. This thing has got to

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<v Speaker 1>stop the reader, oh very well. If that's the way

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<v Speaker 1>the reader feels about it, it shall stop right here.

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<v Speaker 1>The end epilogue. If this little world tonight suddenly should

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<v Speaker 1>fall through space in a hissing, headlong flight, shriveling from

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<v Speaker 1>off its face as it falls into the sun in

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<v Speaker 1>an instant, every trace of the little crawling things, ants,

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<v Speaker 1>philosophers and lice, cattle, cockroaches and kings, beggars, millionaires and mice,

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<v Speaker 1>men and maggots all is one as it falls into

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<v Speaker 1>the sun. Who can say, But at the same instant,

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<v Speaker 1>from some planet far a child may watch us and exclaim,

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<v Speaker 1>see the pretty shooting star. End of section three. End

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<v Speaker 1>of This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hereford, bred by S. K. Feld, Minneapolis, Minnesota,

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<v Speaker 1>December twenty twenty two,