Speaker 1: Section three of the Skiddy Gloak by Oliver Herford. This
Speaker 1: Librivoks recording is in the public domain. Part three Foreign Countries,
Speaker 1: Chapter twenty seven. South America. From the beginning of time
Speaker 1: up to the present century, the continents of North and
Speaker 1: South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony.
Speaker 1: They were seemingly inseparable. The first indication that everything was
Speaker 1: not as it should be with this long united couple
Speaker 1: was in the year eighteen eighty, when a Frenchman named Dalsivs,
Speaker 1: who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa, attempted
Speaker 1: to bring about a separation. The attempt, however, was a failure,
Speaker 1: and after dragging on for eight years, proceedings were dropped
Speaker 1: for want of funds. Fourteen years later, President Roosevelt, desiring
Speaker 1: to move all obstacles to a much desired union of
Speaker 1: the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, started an a new action
Speaker 1: for divorce on the same grounds is that of Dalla
Speaker 1: SIPs and in August nineteen oh two, the divorce of
Speaker 1: North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic
Speaker 1: and Pacific oceans were simultaneously celebrated. The northern and southern
Speaker 1: continents are now better friends than ever, and the Atlantic
Speaker 1: Ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back
Speaker 1: door to spend an evening with the Pacific Chapter twenty eight. Holland.
Speaker 1: The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So
Speaker 1: deep seated is Dutch cleanliness that godliness in the next
Speaker 1: seat must get up and cling to a strap. In Holland,
Speaker 1: they run cleanliness into the ground. The heads of the
Speaker 1: cabbages are inspected every day, and the ears of the
Speaker 1: corn and necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night.
Speaker 1: The sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife,
Speaker 1: but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters.
Speaker 1: Even the wind is not allowed to be idle. Windmills
Speaker 1: are posted everywhere, and not a breath of eric and
Speaker 1: stir without per forming some useful task. And the sea,
Speaker 1: the majestic sea that has always boasted of its freedom,
Speaker 1: is locked up in dykes and forced to do the
Speaker 1: work of highways and railroads. The capital of Holland is
Speaker 1: the Hogue, and here was the first peace conference in
Speaker 1: eighteen ninety eight, a gathering of autocrats and plutocrats to
Speaker 1: discuss the economics of war, firstly, to make rules by
Speaker 1: which war may be conducted with the least possible damage
Speaker 1: to vested interests. Secondly, to reduce the cost of war
Speaker 1: by the use of methods which, while putting a soldier
Speaker 1: out of action, will not injure him beyond the possibility
Speaker 1: of repair for use in another war. Today the Peace
Speaker 1: Palace is to let and Andrew Carnegie, who built it,
Speaker 1: is dead. But another conference called by Woodrow Wilson is
Speaker 1: to be held in Geneva, which Peter Simple hopes will
Speaker 1: abolish war forever. The inhabitants of Holland are the most
Speaker 1: moral and patriotic people in the world, and their army
Speaker 1: is second to none in bravery and won the World
Speaker 1: War Chapter twenty nine. Belgium. Belgium may be compared to
Speaker 1: hollandais sauce with a piquant Gallic flavor. Belgium is the
Speaker 1: bridgeway from Prussia to France, and King Albert of Belgium
Speaker 1: is the modern Horatius, who, facing fearful odds for the
Speaker 1: ashes of his fathers and the temple of his gods,
Speaker 1: kept the bridge in the brave days of nineteen fourteen.
Speaker 1: Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in
Speaker 1: nineteen fourteen, but the crown of King Albert is of
Speaker 1: the sort that will never be out of style, and,
Speaker 1: besides being a perfect fit, is strikingly becoming to him.
Speaker 1: When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the bravest of
Speaker 1: all the Gauls, he was a prophet as well as
Speaker 1: a historian. The inhabitants of Belgium are the most moral
Speaker 1: and patriotic people in the world, and if they hadn't
Speaker 1: kept the bridge, the World War could never have been won.
Speaker 1: Chapter thirty. France. France is the greatest millinery power on Earth.
Speaker 1: The capital of France is Paris. Paris, though inhabited largely
Speaker 1: by Americans and English, is famous for its gaiety. The
Speaker 1: principal products of Paris are plaster of Paris, Paris green parasols,
Speaker 1: and pate de foi gras. A literation is the thief
Speaker 1: of accuracy. Pate de foi gras is the product of Strasbourg.
Speaker 1: The reader. The reader is for once mistaken Paris, as
Speaker 1: everyone knows is France and Strasbourg. Thanks to Hague folk,
Speaker 1: Albert Pershing and co. Is now French. Paris is divided
Speaker 1: into two parts. One Paris Proper, famous for the Eiffel Tower,
Speaker 1: a skyscraper that contains no offices, and the Magasine de Louver,
Speaker 1: which is visited by thousands of Americans daily. There is
Speaker 1: also another louver containing some pictures and painted and statues.
Speaker 1: Two Paris Improper. See appendix appendix see next page. The
Speaker 1: appendix has been removed. The inhabitants of France are the
Speaker 1: most moral and patriotic people in the world, and their
Speaker 1: army is second to none in bravery and won the
Speaker 1: World War Chapter thirty one. Germany this space to let
Speaker 1: while repairs are being made in the temporary absence of
Speaker 1: Messrs hohen Zeldern and Company. The show window of this
Speaker 1: establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, anarchism, socialism,
Speaker 1: or any other popular ism that may apply. Chapter thirty
Speaker 1: two Switzerland. Switzerland is famous for its condensed milk, cuckoo clocks, yodelers,
Speaker 1: and heroes. The Swiss are an artless people, what more
Speaker 1: worthy people whose every alpine gap yawns with tradition and
Speaker 1: is stocked with noble story. Yet the perverse and scornful
Speaker 1: one art will none of it, and the sons of
Speaker 1: patriot are left with the clock that turns the mill
Speaker 1: and the sudden cuckoo with difficulty restrained in its box whistler.
Speaker 1: The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most moral and patriotic
Speaker 1: people in the world, and their army is second to
Speaker 1: none in bravery and won the World War. Chapter thirty three. Monaco.
Speaker 1: Monaco is the center of the spinning industry of the world.
Speaker 1: Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte
Speaker 1: Carlo every year to spin. The inhabitants of Monaco are
Speaker 1: the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and
Speaker 1: their army is second to none in bravery and won
Speaker 1: the World War. Chapter thirty four. Turkey. When what was
Speaker 1: once a turkey comes before us on a platter like this,
Speaker 1: shorn of that endeared itself a burnt offering to appetite
Speaker 1: fresh from the burning, no one questions what will be
Speaker 1: the last scene of all that ends this strange, eventful history.
Speaker 1: All he wants to know is whether he will get
Speaker 1: the particular slice he is mentally reserved for himself, just
Speaker 1: so that other turkey that sits on the fence between
Speaker 1: Europe and Asia, and gobbles defiance At an avenging world.
Speaker 1: The avenging powers sit round as they have sat round before,
Speaker 1: waiting each one for the slice. He is mentally reserved
Speaker 1: for himself. But there won't be any slices. You may burn,
Speaker 1: you may shatter the Turk. If you will, he will
Speaker 1: rise from his ashes and roost with you. Still. He's
Speaker 1: the modern incarnation of the indestructible phoenix burd Nevertheless, we
Speaker 1: must give the devil his due. The Turks are a
Speaker 1: fearless people. They have many wives. The inhabitants of Turkey
Speaker 1: are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,
Speaker 1: and their army is second to none in brave and
Speaker 1: they won the World War. Chapter thirty five. Russia. Russia
Speaker 1: comprises one sixth of the landscape and snowscape of the globe.
Speaker 1: Formerly the property of a tsar named Nicholas, it is
Speaker 1: now owned by a superstar named Lenin. The principal objects
Speaker 1: of interest are Samovars, Soviets, sables, and the steps. The
Speaker 1: steps of Russia, though vast and quite bare, have nothing
Speaker 1: to do with those of the Russian dancers at the
Speaker 1: present stage of Russian affairs. They may better be compared
Speaker 1: to the well known steps to Avernus, which are for
Speaker 1: descent only and easy at that. Today almost the only
Speaker 1: articles of Russian manufacture are natural ice and press dispatches
Speaker 1: of manufacture, of the latter, as regards volume, at least,
Speaker 1: there has never been such an enorm Why go on
Speaker 1: about Russia? The reader quite right, Russia is too large
Speaker 1: for such a little geography as this. We will leave
Speaker 1: Russia as quickly as possible. Watch your step, Chapter thirty four.
Speaker 1: Norway and Sweden. It is all very sad about Norway
Speaker 1: and Sweden. A handsomer country couple or couple of countries,
Speaker 1: it would be hard to meet anywhere. And so propinquous
Speaker 1: have they not been next door neighbors from the infancy
Speaker 1: of the worlds? And everybody knows what propinquity does. It
Speaker 1: is Cupid's middle name. What more natural than that they
Speaker 1: should get married, haven't you heard? Well it all happened
Speaker 1: so quickly, and they were married in Vienna in eighteen fifteen,
Speaker 1: and well you know, propinquity is the devil's middle name too.
Speaker 1: They were divorced in nineteen oh five, after a brief
Speaker 1: married life of only ninety years. What could have been
Speaker 1: the trouble. Some say the food, others attributed to the
Speaker 1: domestic drama. Perhaps it was both. Here is a typical
Speaker 1: Scandinavian menu pickled oysters, bisk of snails, fried fish, native wine, quince,
Speaker 1: ice cream, onions, and biscuits. It might almost pass for
Speaker 1: an Ibsen play with the average theatergoer. It has what
Speaker 1: the average theatergoer calls atmosphere. I once drew Ibsen looking
Speaker 1: bored across a deep Norwegian fjord, and very nearly everyone
Speaker 1: mistook him for the midnight Sun. Norway is the home
Speaker 1: of the Ibsinian orstodgy, as distinguished from the Stagy drama.
Speaker 1: James Hunneker, the eminent luxographer, as a compliment to that
Speaker 1: great and here stutiferous playwright, has re christened Norway the
Speaker 1: Land of the Midnight Whiskers. The inhabitants of Norway and
Speaker 1: Sweden are the most moral and patriotic people in the world,
Speaker 1: and they won the World War Chapter thirty seven Africa.
Speaker 1: Africa is the richest jackpot in the game of Territorial
Speaker 1: Freeze out played by the European powers. The stakes represent diamonds, gold, ivory, rubber,
Speaker 1: and slaves. Though the latter are nominally outside the limit.
Speaker 1: The game began nearly three centuries ago, and now in
Speaker 1: the early morning of the twentieth century, such a fascinating
Speaker 1: game as poker. It is still in progress, though Germany,
Speaker 1: who staked all her pile and lost, has dropped out.
Speaker 1: The ancient Greek geographer Strabo sixty four BC describes Africa
Speaker 1: as the fruitful nurse of large serpents, elephants, antelopes and
Speaker 1: similar animals, of lions also and panthers. He does not
Speaker 1: mention the chimpanzees, who are the most remarkable of all
Speaker 1: the aboriginal inhabitants, a gentle and peace loving race, abstemious
Speaker 1: without being bigoted, and patriotic to a high degree. Very
Speaker 1: few surviving transportation from their native jungle children. Behold the chimpanzee.
Speaker 1: He sits on the ancestral tree from which we sprang
Speaker 1: in ages gone. I'm glad we sprang. Had we held on,
Speaker 1: we might for all that I can say, be horrid chimpanzees. Today,
Speaker 1: the inhabitants of Africa are the most moral and patriotic
Speaker 1: in the world, and their army is second to none
Speaker 1: in bravery and won the World War. Chapter thirty eight Arabia.
Speaker 1: Arabia is the home of the camel and the Bedouin.
Speaker 1: The camel may be likened to a desert ship. This
Speaker 1: is not new. He is a most ungainly craft, with
Speaker 1: frowning turrets for and aft. We little realize on earth
Speaker 1: how much we owe to his great girth. For should
Speaker 1: he ever shrink so small as through the needle's eye
Speaker 1: to crawl, rich men might climb the golden stairs, and
Speaker 1: so leave nothing to their heirs. The camel is called
Speaker 1: the ship of the desert because its gate is said
Speaker 1: to resemble the motion of a ship. To be strictly accurate,
Speaker 1: it is one hundred times worse than a ship, but
Speaker 1: not quite so bad as a motor bus. The Bedouin
Speaker 1: makes his bed in the sand or bedrock, avoiding river
Speaker 1: beds or water. In any form. He must not be
Speaker 1: confounded with the folding Bedouins of North America. The Folding
Speaker 1: Bedouins are a semi nomadic tribe supposed by some to
Speaker 1: be related to the hall Romanians and the red Incas
Speaker 1: of Bohemia. The inhabitants of Arabia are the most moral
Speaker 1: and patriotic in the world, and their Army is second
Speaker 1: to none in bravery and won the World War. Chapter
Speaker 1: thirty nine, Australia. Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome
Speaker 1: rotation of our seasons should go to Australia, where spring
Speaker 1: commences on September the twenty third, summer on December the
Speaker 1: twenty second, autumn on March the twenty first, and winter
Speaker 1: on June the twenty first. The fauna of Australia, as
Speaker 1: if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the seasons,
Speaker 1: is represented by the ornithurinkis paradox, which Peter Simple has
Speaker 1: described in the following lines. My child, the duck billed platypus,
Speaker 1: a sad example sets for us. From him, we learn
Speaker 1: how indecision of character provokes derision. This vacillating beast, you see,
Speaker 1: could not decide which he would be fish, flesh, or fowl,
Speaker 1: and chose all three. The scientists were sorely vexed to
Speaker 1: classify him, so perplexed their brains that they, with rage
Speaker 1: at bay, called him a horrid name one day, a
Speaker 1: name that baffles, frights and shocks us. Or Nithorynchus paradoxus.
Speaker 1: The inhabitants of Australia are the most moral and patriotic
Speaker 1: people in the world, and their army is second to
Speaker 1: none in bravery and won the World War Chapter forty China.
Speaker 1: China is known as the Flowery Kingdom. It is the
Speaker 1: most exclusive flower garden in the world and is surrounded
Speaker 1: by a high wall. The only flower that succeeds in
Speaker 1: climbing the high wall is Little Flower of Pico and
Speaker 1: her sisters, who leave their porcelain paradise to cheer without
Speaker 1: inebriating the dull people of the outside world. The country
Speaker 1: of China, too, may be likened to a flower. Her
Speaker 1: treasure is the envy of the world, and flower like
Speaker 1: she must remain rooted to the ground while the busy
Speaker 1: bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses.
Speaker 1: Everyone agrees that China should have an open door, but
Speaker 1: the busy bee nations want a door that opens only inwards,
Speaker 1: while the flower nation wants a door that opens only outwards.
Speaker 1: At a recent conference of bees and flowers, Peter Simple
Speaker 1: suggested a revolving door as a compromise. A commission was
Speaker 1: at once appointed by President Chu Chin Chow to report
Speaker 1: on revolving doors. The matter is still being revolved. It
Speaker 1: may end in a revolution. The inhabitants of China are
Speaker 1: the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and
Speaker 1: their army is second to none in bravery and won
Speaker 1: the World War One. Japan. The inhabitants of Japan are
Speaker 1: the most moral and patriotic people in the world, and
Speaker 1: their army is second to none in bravery and won
Speaker 1: the World War Chapter forty two Egypt, India, Italy, Spain, Greece,
Speaker 1: et cetera. No work on geography could be called complete
Speaker 1: without a description of these six counting, et cetera countries.
Speaker 1: If the readers should ask me how I came to
Speaker 1: leave six such important countries to the last page, I
Speaker 1: should be compelled to change the subject. Writing a little
Speaker 1: geography book is like packing a very small bag for
Speaker 1: a journey around the world. Only instead of cramming it
Speaker 1: with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes,
Speaker 1: you stuff it full of countries. And when you try
Speaker 1: to close it, as with the bag, you always find
Speaker 1: that you have left out at least several of the
Speaker 1: most important things. No amount of squeezing or sitting on
Speaker 1: the lid will make room for six such big countries
Speaker 1: and a little book that is already as fall as
Speaker 1: it can be. The only thing to do is take
Speaker 1: out all the countries in them in a row, and
Speaker 1: see which you can get along best. Without you can't
Speaker 1: possibly spare any of the large countries. The question is
Speaker 1: how many of the little countries together would you? Are
Speaker 1: digressing again worse than ever. This thing has got to
Speaker 1: stop the reader, oh very well. If that's the way
Speaker 1: the reader feels about it, it shall stop right here.
Speaker 1: The end epilogue. If this little world tonight suddenly should
Speaker 1: fall through space in a hissing, headlong flight, shriveling from
Speaker 1: off its face as it falls into the sun in
Speaker 1: an instant, every trace of the little crawling things, ants,
Speaker 1: philosophers and lice, cattle, cockroaches and kings, beggars, millionaires and mice,
Speaker 1: men and maggots all is one as it falls into
Speaker 1: the sun. Who can say, But at the same instant,
Speaker 1: from some planet far a child may watch us and exclaim,
Speaker 1: see the pretty shooting star. End of section three. End
Speaker 1: of This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hereford, bred by S. K. Feld, Minneapolis, Minnesota,
Speaker 1: December twenty twenty two,