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Speaker 1: The bar I worked at didn't even have a name.

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The sign out front had been blank since the early

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two thousands, and nobody who came in cared enough to

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ask what the place was called. We could have been

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called drink here, and it wouldn't have changed the thing.

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Most of our regulars were either in debt, going through

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their third divorced, or waiting to die, or for a

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few it was a combination. I worked at the bar

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because it paid me in actual money, not drink tokens

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or promises. Most of the time, I was behind on

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rent again. My bank account was so low it rounded

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to zero, and had already tried every get rich quick

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scheme that tik tok read it and sheer desperation had

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to offer. I didn't have the face for tutoring or

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the charm for streaming and drop shipping. Died before I

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figured out what the hell it even was. That night,

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I was wiping down a chipped glass for the sixth time,

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wondering if I could call in sick tomorrow and still

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keep the job. I stared at the TV bolted above

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the bar. Usually it was sports reruns or weather warnings.

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That night, some televangelist was pacing around a fake church set,

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waving a crucifix like he was directing traffic. He was

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going on about demons, speaking in a voice that cracked

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between shouts and sobs. People in the audience were crying.

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It looked like bad theater. But what made me freeze

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was the giant number at the bottom of the screen.

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Cleansing services start at two thousand, four hundred and ninety

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nine dollars. I blinked at it. The screen cut to

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a testimonial some woman hugging him and crying about how

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a walls don't scream any more. Then the price flashed again,

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nice and bold. I stood there, glass in hand, getting

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ready for round seven, wondering how this guy was making

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three months of my rent by waving a book and

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shouting a dry wall. Then I set my glass down,

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wiped my hands and my jeans, and made a decision

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that at the time felt kind of brilliant. Back at home,

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I sat on my mattress, opened my laptop and typed

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how to do an exorcism, real, real good into the

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search bar. The stuff that came up was mostly religious

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doctrine and official church rules, all of which boiled down

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to you need to be ordained, and also, don't do

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this not helpful. So I switched to the weirder side

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of the internet, blogs with names like Sacred Warrior cleansing

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services and a Sended Realm Brotherhood that was where the

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real gold was. Guys in robes charging five hundred dollars

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an hour to wave herbs and throw salt at basements.

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I could do that. I already had herbs in my kitchen.

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Sure they were expired parsley flakes and garlic powder, but

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it was a start. I rode a shopping list one Bible,

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didn't matter which version. I found, a beat at one

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online for four bucks, salt table salt worked fine crucifix

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plastic from a Halloween shop, spray painted gold that looked

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slightly less like a toy, candles the Dollar store. Ones

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that came in packs of ten. Latin phrases copy pasted

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from demonology forums. I didn't know what I was saying

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and didn't care, as long as I could confidently pronounce them.

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I practiced in the mid that night, waving the crucifix

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and muttering exoses O taste spiritus imundus while trying not

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to laugh. I looked ridiculous. But I knew it wouldn't

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matter if someone was desperate enough to call me. The

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nods were good. They didn't have a priest on speed dial.

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They'd be about as clueless about priests and exorcisms as me.

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I made a Craigslist listing under the name brother Elias

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because it sounded both biblical and fake enough that nobody

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would try locking me up. Added a line that said

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no spirit too dark, no presence too strong, guaranteed results.

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I went to bed and figured it'd be a few

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days before anyone actually called. It took six hours from

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the time I woke up. The call came in around noon.

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I almost ignored it because I thought it was my

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landlord again, but something told me to pick it up,

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probably that little voice in my head called rent anxiety.

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She sounded nervous, quiet, breathy voice, like she thought some

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one was listening on her end too. Said she'd been

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here and banging at night and whispers in the hallway.

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Thought maybe some one had died in the house years

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ago and never left. She mentioned she lived alone, which

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made a desperation more believable. People who live alone get

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haunted more. I think there's a law in movies or something.

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I scribbled down her a dress, told her brother Elias

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would arrive within the hour, then immediately spent fifteen minutes

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googling how far away she lived and trying to remember

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if I'd printed out my Latin cheat sheet. I didn't

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have a car. I had to borrow my neighbors. He

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beat up civic that smell like astray and beef jerky.

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I kept rehearsing lines on my way over begone foul spirit,

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and I cast you back into the Abyss, even though

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I had no idea where the Abyss was or if

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it had a return policy. Her house was really small

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and beat up shutters held together with cracked paint, looked

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like it hadn't been renovated since the Cold War. She

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entered the door in a floor bathrobe and heavy slippers,

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hair up in pink rollers, real throwback energy. Her eyes

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darted past me like she thought someone might be following.

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I'm so glad you came, she whispered, like this was

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a covert operation. I stepped in, holding my props in

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a tote bag. I pulled out the plastic crucifx, the candles,

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and the salt. She watched every move like our sacred.

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I did a walk through, muttering random Latin phrases that

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I couldn't pronounce correctly. She didn't question it, so I

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kept going Spiritus sanctum er dominos repairly mallum, something like that.

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I wasn't fluent all literate for that manner. I sprinkled

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salt in the corners of a hallway, waved my Bible

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in a lazy cross pattern near the ceiling van, and

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shouted into the closet for dramatic effect. Nothing responded, but

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she gasped anyway, which felt like a win. Then I

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got to the kitchen she had told me that was

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where the bang was loudest. I looked round, opened a

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few cabinets, and tapped on a few walls like I

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knew what I was doing. I heard something scratch behind

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the fridge. I froze actual panic. I thought maybe it

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was going to be an actual ghost and I'd have

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to either fight it or apologize to it. But it

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wasn't a ghost. It was a rat, huge, fat, smug.

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It looked at me and blinked slowly like it knew

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I wasn't a real priest. There it is, I thought

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to myself. The dark ended his physical form a nasty

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one too. I then quickly turned around to the woman

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to give her the awful news. Ma'am. She looked at me,

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eye as wide as dinner plates. You will have to

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leave the house. I'm going to have to fight the demon.

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She gasped and covered her mouth. You saw it, Yes,

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it's evil, more evil than many I've encountered in my day.

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She suddenly got a serious expression on her face. She

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said she'd pray for me, before turning around and walking away.

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I sighed, I actually was about to fight a demon.

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This rat was massive. I reached around the fridge and

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nicked my fingers, but I managed to catch it. I

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threw it outside the window, hoping that i'd do the

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trick before stepping out. I did a few jumping jacks

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to make it look like I was really putting the

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work in. When I stepped outside, the woman nearly jumped

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for joy. I banished it, I lied, but it'll take

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a few hours for its presence to fully dissipate. She

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looked at me like i'd handed a soul back. Then

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she gave me two bucks in cash, folded it in half,

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and tucked it in a Kleenex, like this was an

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illegal transaction. I told her to keep her windows open

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for airflow. She nodded solemnly. I left before the rat

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came back from the backyard for round two. I drove

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home feeling like a lunatic, but a two hundred dollars lunatic.

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After the first call, the jobs came easier. Some people

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messaged through craigslist, some left voice mails that sounded drunk.

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A few were angry at first, like they were expecting

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someone else, but once I showed up with my black

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shirt and candlepack, they calmed down. One guy had me

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exercise his bathroom. I waved some smoke around the toilet

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while he cried on the couch. None of the places

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were haunted. Most ad leaky pipes or weird neighbors. One

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woman heard voices that turned out to be a TV

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left on in another room. Another guy swore his mirror

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was possessed because he couldn't see his reflection blink. I

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started enjoying it in a way. I upgraded my gear,

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bought a slightly nicer crucifix from a thrift store. It

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was wood instead of plastic, which meant it probably wouldn't

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melt in direct sunlight. I found a second hand priestcoat

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that fit well enough if I didn't button it. I

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also memorized more Latin phrases that sounded impressive if I

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said them quickly and with conviction. At this point I

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was sure ghost business was a joke, a profitable, idiot

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proof scam. Everyone wanted to believe in something, and I

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was more affordable than therapy or actual religion. It was

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around six in the evening when my phone rang. I

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was my gwaving instant noodles and trying to remember if

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I still had eggs in the fridge. I answered with

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my usual vake, calm voice, brother Elia speaking. The man

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on the line sounded tense. He said he got my

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number from a friend for whom I had performed in exorcism.

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Didn't say who. Said he had a situation and needed

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me to come out to night if possible. Offered double

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my rate. Before I could even respond, I grinned and

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told him that he's too kind. He gave me an

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ad dress on the edge of town. He told me

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the house had been empty for a while. He hadn't

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wanted to go back in there alone, but now that

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I'd be coming with him. He felt pretty confident, said

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there had been an incident. When he asked him what

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kind he poor personal, he said, but the energy is

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still there. I'm pretty sure. I wanted to ask what

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he meant, but I also didn't care he was paying double.

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I threw my supplies in the toat again, grabbed the

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wooden crucifix and a fresh box of candles, then borrowed

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the civic for another run. The check engine light came

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on before I hit the freeway. It had been doing

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that since I borrowed it last week. I ignored it

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the same way I ignored every other warning in my life.

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The house was exactly what I expected from some one

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who described it as having energy. It was sat behind

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a chainling fence that leaned more than it stood. One

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of the upstairs windows was boarded up, and an old

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satellite dish was pointed at the ground instead of the sky.

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The man met me at the gate. To his credit,

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he looked more normal than my usual customers. He tucked

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in his shirt, neat hair, with his hands folded in

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front of him. He handed me a hundred dollar bill

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and said he'd pay the rest when it was done.

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Inside it smelled horrific. I can't even describe the smell,

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but I wanted to get out of there pronto. Everything

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was still furniture, under sheets, carpet covered in that fine

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gray dust that sticks to your shoes and makes you

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feel like you're walking on dead skin. I walked in first,

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but at this point I'd been doing this exorcism gig

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for so long I actually wasn't even fake in my

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confidence any more. The man followed behind me without speaking.

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He was so quiet that it made me miss the

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people who had asked dumb questions react when I waved

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my fake holy water Instead. He hovered near the door

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and stared into the living room. I lit the candles

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one by one, muttering phrases I was pretty sure were

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indistinguishable from actual priests. Now, I sprinkled salt around the

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door frames, making sure to look intent and focused, or

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thinking about what I would order. On the drive home,

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I opened my Bible to a random passage, traced my

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fingers down the margin, and read the first verse. I saw,

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woa unto them, they call evil good and good evil,

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I said out loud, But something felt off, not loud

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or obvious, more like a draft. You only notice when

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the back of your neck starts, to which I'd circled

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through every room on the main floor, performing what I

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generously call rights. I figured were about done, though I

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hadn't found out what the cause of his haunting was yet.

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Then the hallway door slam shut behind me. I didn't jump,

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but my shoulders did move a little unprofessionally. I turned around,

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trying to see one made the noise. Another door slammed,

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this time the one to the kitchen. That one shook

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the wall. A second later, something clattered behind me. I

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turned and saw a plate spin off the counter and

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explode onto the floor. I paused. I looked at the

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homeowner the gage. If this was some kind of sick prank,

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maybe a set up, a weird joke to get back

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at whoever referred to me. But he wasn't laughing. He

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looked nervous and scared. You seeing this, I asked, pointing

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at the mess. He nodded. I stared at the shattered plate,

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then at the ceiling. Okay, I said, a voice a

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little higher than before. Strong one, strong presence. We'll need

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more tools for this. I started walking toward the front door.

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If this was a prank. I wasn't giving them the satisfaction.

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If it wasn't, then I was going to regroup in

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the car, come up with a better excuse, or just

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drive away and pretend someone in my immediate family died

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or something. I reached for the door and grabbed the

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handle with what I hoped to look like casual authority.

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Turned it. Nothing happened. I twisted harder. It didn't budge.

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I glanced over my shoulder. You lock the yes, He

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shook his head slowly. I tried again. Still locked. I

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then leaned into it, pressing my weight forward, then stepped

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back and gave it a good rattle. It stayed shut.

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That was when the sweat started under my shirt. We'll erh,

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We'll give it a second, I said out loud. I

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turned back toward the men, hoping for some input. He

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wasn't looking in my direction. Instead, he was looking toward

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the hallway. His face had gone slack, his mouth opened slightly,

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and his eyes widened without blinking. I didn't like that expression.

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I followed his gaze. A wind came through the hallway,

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cold and natural. It passed through me with enough pressure

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to push the air out of my lungs. I staggered

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and grabbed the door frame to steady myself. Then I

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saw her. She stepped from the shadows near the stairs,

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but her feet didn't move. They hovered, dragging nothing. Her

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form shimmered. Her face was twisted and sunken, as if

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something had scooped half of it out. Her eyes were

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pitch black and glossy, dripping some thick black sludge that

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slid down her cheeks and vanished before hitting a jaw.

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Her hair looked soaked. Her dress clung to her in patches,

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like it had dried in places and stayed wet in others.

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I wasn't quite sure what to do. That's her, he said,

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turning to face me distinctively. I got my salt jar

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out and hurled salt at the supposed ghost. It did nothing.

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Then I threw the entire jar at her. If this

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was a person in a costume, it was about to

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do some real damage. It went through her and hit

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the floor behind her, bursting open in a stupid little

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splash of white grains. The blessed salt did nothing. The

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man quizzed blessed, I thought to myself. He had to

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bless the salt I saw the man trembling, his hands

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at his side, eyes locked on her. I looked back

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at the ghost. This whole time, she completely ignored me

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and my presence. Her gaze was fixed on him. She

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moved one moment she stood by the wall, and the

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next she passed straight through the air and collided with him.

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He dropped instantly, his back hid the floor, and then

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he began to convulse. It wasn't natural. His body seized

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in waves. His arms smacked the floor, and his legs

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bent wrong. His mouth opened, but no noise came out.

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He slowly started levitating. I stood frozen, completely useless. I

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had no script for this part. None of my notes

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said what to do when your fake demon actually showed up.

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I looked around for something holy, but all I had

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left was a melted candle stup and the Bible. I

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turned and ran for the front door. I didn't expect

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it to open. I reached for the with a full

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belief that it would be fuse shut, but it turned.

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The door gave way with no resistance. I didn't wait

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to think about why. I stepped out into the cold night,

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walked fast to the civic and drove off without checking

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if leaving that front door open meant I'd just released

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the demon out into the streets. My hand shook and

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the wheel so badly I nearly drifted off the path

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twice before returning to the main road. My legs bounced

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under the dashboard. My stomach was a solid block of

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guilt and confusion. I didn't even know what I had seen.

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I kept thinking, maybe it was some weird performance art

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gone wrong. Maybe I'd inhaled something in that house mouled hallucinations.

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That was a thing, right. I parked three streets away

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from my apartment and sat there with the engine running.

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I thought about what would happen if I called someone,

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told the cops there was something wrong at that house.

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They'd asked me what I couldn't say, A dead woman

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possessed the guy who hired me to perform an exorcism.

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I didn't even know his name. I'd get asked questions

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I didn't have answers for. I pulled out my phone

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and hit the non emergency number. Said I was a

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concerned neighbor, hadn't seen the guy in a while, heard

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something weird from inside, thought someone should check on him.

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The despatcher thanked me and said they'd send someone out.

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I hung up and stared at the ceiling of my

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car for a while. I was half way through reheating

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the same noodles from earlier when the phone rang again,

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same number as before. Hello, Hi, The officer said, you

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called early about someone on Shorewell lane, Yeah, I said,

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did you find anything? He laughed, A little guy's fine,

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said he was meditating, really friendly. House looked good, too, clean, quiet,

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nothing unusual. He said he appreciated us checkin in, but

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us neighbors not to bother him with noise any more.

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I didn't say anything for a second, right, I said, good,

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thanks for letting me know. I hung up, stared at

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the floor, then at the window, then back at the floor.

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By morning, my eyes fell like sandpaper, and my hands

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still had that post adrenaline tingle. I couldn't stop replying it.

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Every time I blinked, I saw her face again, those

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black holes he her eyes should have been the thick

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drip sliding down her face. I told myself to forget

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it and move on, but I couldn't. I had to

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make sure I slowed. As I passed the man's house.

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My eyes went to the window. He was there, standing

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behind the glass. He was smiling. His head followed my

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car as I passed, slow and smooth, like it was

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mounted on something. They could rotate full circle if needed.

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I drove forward, turned the car and didn't stop again

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until I was home. With the door locked and the

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candles thrown in the trash, I saw all I needed

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to see. I sat at my desk and deleted every

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ad I'd posted. Brother Elias was officially retired. Maybe I

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wasn't cut out for the hole Riocht after all,