Speaker 1: All right, y'all, Hey, hey, come on, this is arc
abuse no More with your host doctor and evangelist, Hey
are Rich helping.
Speaker 2: You to admit what you feel in order to heal
from the effect of narcissistic abuse, because your feelings do matter.
How you are doing out there on this lovely Friday morning,
this isnar could be There's no more with your host,
doctor k l Rich. On March the what is it
the thirteenth, twenty six, I rated you all I having
a blessed and lovely day and that your week has
been stress free, narcissistic free, abuse free, and if not,
We're gonna be talking about some things today. And I
often tell people that we we sometimes tend to get
into relationships that are unhealthy because we have an unhealthy
view of ourselves. Yes, that, and many people have gotten
into bad relationships because they have had a bad view
of themselves. And so we're gonna be talking about that today.
We're gonna be talking about eleven signs, eleven signs of
low self esteem. Eleven signs of low self esteem. Today's
podcast is coming from very well mined, very wellmind dot com.
And we we we tend to not always know that
we have low self esteem, and we may gravitate towards
negative things solely because of that having low self esteem,
not seeing the value of ourselves, you may struggle with
your your own self worth. You may struggle with having
confidence in yourself. You may struggle with feeling like you belong.
I know that in my teenage years, I really really
struggle with having low self esteem. And so, uh, you
always trying to be accepted, and therefore you don't understand
oftentimes the value that you have as a person. And
so before we go into today's talk in our podcast today,
I want to take you to a verse in the Bible,
and it's in Psalms one thirty nine in verse fourteen.
That Psalms one thirty nine and verse fourteen, and it says,
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, and I know that fool well.
And the psalm is was saying that you know he
praised God because God made him fearfully and wonderfully beautifully made.
And when you have low self esteem, you don't see
that in yourself. You don't understand the value that God
has placed on you. And so therefore you don't see
that in yourself. And sometimes when you are dealing with
low self esteem, you will gravitate towards a narcissistic type
relationship because it can be a magnet where we know
narcissists love power and control. And so therefore, y, if
you don't have that that that high self esteem and
that confidence, it can cause you to gravitate towards someone
who uses it against you. And even if you consider
yourself as having high self esteem or be a high
uh a person of high confidence or whatever, if you
get with the wrong person, they can cause you to
lure your sense of self worth. And so we're gonna
talk about some signs that you may have low self esteem. No,
it's it's not a mental illness, but it can affect
your emotions, it can affect your thought patterns, it can
affect the things that you even try to do and
achieve because you feel like, I'm not good enough, I'm
not worthy enough, I'm not as good as this other person.
And let me just say this, we all have good
qualities that God has placed on the inside of us.
Everyone has something that is of value on the inside
of you. But the thing is is that you may
not see that because you may or may not have
been told, been told or taught that you know what
you are of worth, you are of value. And so
when you feel this, if you're not of value, then
you may tend to take abuse from others because of
you not understanding your sense worth. So some of the
signs that when someone has a low self esteem, one
of the one, the first one we're gonna talk about,
is a lack of confidence, a lack of confidence. People
with a low self confidence, Uh, they tend to have
low self esteem. Uh. It comes from not believing in themselves,
believing in their abilities, being confident in who they are
as a person. And so therefore you may gravitate towards
someone who even makes you feel worse. And therefore you
don't you don't have that confidence to say, you know what,
I am able to offer something to the world. I
am able to offer something to people. I do have skills,
I do have qualities, I do have things about me
that others would find of value. And when the narcissist
knows that you don't have the confidence, then they're gonna
try to even more so, try to play on your
insecurities by making you doubt every single thing that you do,
and therefore you become even less confident as an individual
because of the abuse, the emotional abuse that you're dealing
with when you're dealing with a narcissistic type of personality.
The next thing, number two is you have an external
locust of control. That means that you don't have a
sense of control. You feel you have very little control
in your life. This may be your inability tea to
create the change that you want, maybe within yourself or
uh within others. You feel you're powerless. You might feel
that I'm not able to fix the problems in my life.
You might see yourself as being the problem, and so
you're saying I'm not able to fix me. So you
feel like you have no control over the things that
take place in your life. You're you're saying, I want
to improve myself, but I don't know how to. I
don't have any control. And so therefore you may tend
to gravitate towards someone who you feel does have control,
but yet they misuse that and they abuse that and
therefore putting you even into a more a more compromised
position of feeling like I don't have any control over
the relationship. I don't even have any control over my life.
I don't have any control over the things that I
try to do in life, and therefore it also helps
to lead to you having low self esteem. Another thing
Number three is negative social comparisons, negative socials, comparatons, and comparisons,
and sometimes people compare themselves to others. You have these
these stars that's on the magazines, and you feel like,
I want to look like them, I want to be
like them. But the thing is is that it's just
an image. It's just an image because when you see
most of the stars on the magazines, they don't wake
up looking like that they have. The women may have
eyelashes and hair and makeup artists and they, I forget
what you call it what they do to the pictures,
but basically they enhance the pictures to make it look
the way or make the people look the way they
want them to look. But oftentimes that's not who they are.
And so young girls could get into this a negative
social comparison where I want to look like Beyonce, Oh,
I wanna look like I don't know who the lady is,
Rihanna or whoever, and I wanna look like them, when
even they don't wake up looking like what you see
on the magazine. And so people compare themselves to people
that they don't even know, and therefore it causes them
to feel inadequate. It causes them to feel hopeless, It
causes them to have this low self esteem, and then
they gravitate to the person who is gonna give the compliments,
the person who's gonna make them feel good, at least
for in the beginning of the relationship, and then they
find out afterwards, well, I wind it up in this
unhealthy relationationship because this person, at least in the beginning,
made me feel good, but then it didn't work out.
And it's so important for people to have a sense
of self worth before you get into a relationship, because
if you don't have it before you get into that
relationship and you wind up being in the wrong relationship,
you're gonna tend to often stay in an unhealthy relationship
because you've attached your sense of self worth to that relationship.
We're going to take a quick break and we'll be
back in just a moment.
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love these Christian love songs. You can find them on YouTube.
All right, So we're talking about signs of low self esteem,
and it is important, especially when you have been in
an abusive relationship, to if you need to get counseling,
to get the counseling that you need to help to
rebuild that self esteem that you once had or that
you may not even have ever had, and that person,
that counselor can help you to navigate in that area
to help.
Speaker 7: You to.
Speaker 2: Have a better outlook of who you are and who
God has created you to be. Another thing, when you're
dealing with low self esteem, you also have trouble. You
may have trouble asking for help. You you might be
the people pleaser, and so therefore you are putting all
you're all into the relationship, but you never get anything
out of it in return. So you don't tell the
person you will with that this is what I need,
or you may not even have laid out exactly what
it is that you need, so you don't prioritize your
desires or your needs because you're always looking for everyone
else after everyone else's needs. So you may find yourself
having a hard time saying no. You agree with everything
that someone asks you to do, even when you're tired,
even when you're exhausted, even when you don't fill up
to it. You're having a hard time to say no.
You mightn't find yourself avoiding conflict and you're going along
with things just so you can keep the peace, so
you're always agreeable even though it's unagreeable with you. You
might have difficulty with always apologized and accepting blame for
something that is not even your fault. You have a
loss of identity. Therefore, you may maybe have changed opinions
or change behaviors based upon trying to appease and please
someone else. And that's all wrapped up in having low
self esteem. Another thing is when you when you have
low self esteem Number five, you deal with maybe wary,
you deal with doubt. You You you may have problems
uh making a decision, you might feel like, what, I've
made the wrong choice, and so you tend to doubt yourself.
You have a fear of failure. You may have had
some past negative experiences, or you might be in a
situation where you're, uh, you're doubting yourself, or do you
with someone that's causing you to doubt yourself. So therefore
you feel like, well, you know what, I if I
choose something in my life, then it's gonna be the
wrong thing. So you're always doubting yourself and therefore you
if you make a choice, you might find yourself a
backtracking cause you're second guessing yourself. And this is something
that the a narcissists will play on too, is someone
who do not have confidence in the decisions that they make,
or they will cause you to feel like that nothing
that you do is ever acceptable. Number six, You might
find that you have trouble accepting compliments. Accepting compliments, you
might say, well, what does that have anything to do
with poor or should I say self esteem? Well, what
it is is that you you have a problem accepting
compliments because you don't find that you are worthy of it.
And so even when someone says, oh, you look nice today,
or you smell good today, you're feeling itself, Well, why
would they say that about me? Because there's nothing good
about me? And so therefore you you have this uh
distrust with people that even give you a compliment because
you feel like that they might be insincere or you
might feel like they're being manipulative because of course they
can't really think that way about me. You may have
been maybe traumatized in the past where you have internalized
you have a difficulty internalizing positive reinforcement because you've been
so used to negative reinforcement, and so therefore you might
even self sabotage if people are saying that, hey, you're
doing something well, you might self sabotage just to get
the opposite reaction because you have a hard time accepting
anything positive that anyone has to say about you. Another thing,
when you are dealing with low self esteem, have you
may have a lot of negative self talk negative self talk?
What what? What? What is negative self talk? Well, you know,
when you're dealing with negative self talk, that means you're
you have that internal monologue that sometimes produces it helps
to produce anxiety insecurity. Uh, you may uh think about
negative things. Uh uh, well, this is not gonna work
for me. That's not gonna work for me. You don't
treat yourself with the same kindness that you want others
or that you treat others, or you're not kind to yourself.
So you ti you tell yourself, well, this is never
gonna happen for me, This is never gonna work for me.
You speak negatively into your own life. Uh you, you
don't give yourself that positive affirmation that I can do something,
that I am worth something, and so therefore you speak
death into yourself instead of speaking life. Another thing, when
you're when you're dealing with low self esteem, oftentimes you
may find that you have a fear of failure. You
have a fear of failure. That means that you might
avoid people, places, or situations because you feel like, you
know what, I am going to fail at it, I'm
going to fail, I'm not going to succeed. So you
have you doubt that you're able to achieve success. You
doubt that you're able to meet the challenge you feel
you might have. You have feelings of inadequacy. You feel
that you know what, I'm not going to succeed in
anything that I do, and so therefore you might not
even go the extra mile and trying to achieve things
because you feel like you might have this intense uh
sense of shame, or you feel like, you know what,
I haven't succeeded in the past, or you might have
had someone tell you that you can't succeed, and so
therefore you don't try to succeed because you feel like
it's going to fail anyway. And when you're in a
narcissistic relationship, that person that might be the narcissist will
sometimes often help you to feel that way where nothing
that you do is ever good enough because they keep
setting a bar up higher and higher and higher, and
you're never able to meet it because it was never
meant for you to meet to begin with. Another thing
number nine is you have a poor outlook for the future.
You don't see anything or any chance of anything getting
better in the future, so therefore you have feelings of hopelessness.
It can encourage you to not look or not try
to be proactive in doing things because you do not
see where it's gonna land you anywhere good in the future.
You might even self sabotage in order to prevent your
success because you feel like you're not going to achieve
the success, so therefore you might be dealing with anxiety, worry, panic.
You feel like you know what I can try all
I can, but nothing's ever gonna happen good for me,
and therefore this will prevent you from achieving, because you're
already looking into the forecast to say that it's not
going to work. We're gonna take another quick break and
we'll be back in just a moment. M.
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All right, So we've been talking about low self esteem.
Signs that you are dealing with low self esteem. Now
what do we do to change that about ourselves? Well,
one thing is challenge that negative that negative self talk.
Replace that self talk with something positive and ask yourself,
why am I saying these things? To me, why am
I believing these things about myself? And therefore challenge that,
Ask yourself, Okay, what is it that I am uh
saying to myself that's neat and identify those things and
then turn it around, why am I saying this to myself?
And try to do the opposite of whatever it is
that you're telling yourself that you can't do. And in
that way, you're trying to flip the script doing the
opposite of whatever that negative self talk is saying to you.
Number two, keep a successfuile. That means document your accomplishments
rather you you say, you know what, it could be
a It could be as simple as going on a walk.
You know what, I can't walk a mile, okay? You
might say your your your your negative self talk is saying, oh,
you're not gonna be able to walk a mile. Okay,
walk walk that mile, walk a fourth of a mile,
a half of a mile, three quarters of a mile,
get to that mile. But in that way, you're saying,
I am working towards my goal and therefore I can
achieve it and write it down and write down how
you feel when you have achieved even the smallest bit
of success is success number three. Set some realistic goals.
Set some realistic goals and say to yourself, you know
what I can do it, I can do it. Make
them they they call it smart when you make these
uh uh these achievable goals. Smart it stands for specific, measurable, achievable, relevant,
and time bound. And therefore, when you set specific goals,
you're saying, Okay, this is what I want to achieve.
Measure it. Okay, I as we just talked about on
the walk, Uh, I wanna walk a mile? Okay, measure
you might have to go from a fourth of a mile,
then you go to half a mile, three quarters of
a mile to the whole mouth. Alright, make sure it's achievable.
This is something that I can do. Say to yourself,
I can achieve this. Okay. Why is it relevant? It's
relevant in helping you to lu learn to establish that
self esteem that says that I can do it. And
time down, give yourself a A A A A certain
time frame. You say you know what I'm I want
to achieve this and this particular time. And let me
just say this, even if you are still working towards
accomplishing it within that time each day, each step is
a day closer to your goal. All they tell people
and they say, you know what, I wanna write a book,
And I tell them what you do is start off
with a sentence. Then start off with a paragraph. Cause
some people say, uh, I haven't written anything down. Okay,
get you a journal, get you, get you a writing
path or whatever. Write a sentence, even if it's a sentence,
once a day. Write a sentence that's a sentence closer
to your achieving your goal. Go write a paragraph that's
a paragraph closer to you achieving your goal. Write a
page that's a page closer to achieving your goal. And
before long you will have added on and added on
until you have accomplished what you wanted to do. Another
thing is practice self compassion. That means love yourself. I'm
not talking about the narcissistic sins. Okay, they don't love themselves.
They don't love nobody, all right, They just all about me, me, me, I,
I I and us. We. Yeah, we're gonna be talking
about some more about the narcissists on another podcast. But
the thing is is that love yourself. That means that
treat yourself with the same kindness that you would treat
someone else. Loving others means that you also need to
take time to love you care about you. Give yourself
some self care. Many times people get burned out and
work environments and different things because they don't take care
of themselves. They're pouring into everyone except themselves. Make sure
to put yourself as a priority as well. The thing
is is that when you're on e you don't really
have much to pour into somebody else. So if I'm
gonna make you some pancakes, but I'm gonna eat on flour,
guess what I gotta go get a refeel Okay, refeel yourself.
Number five, don't compare yourself to others. Everyone has their
own journey, everyone has their own walk, everyone has their
own uh uh, whatever God has gifted you with, So
don't compare yourself to others. Do you whatever God has
given you to do, you do you. Number six. One
thing that is important to try to do is learn
to accept compliments. Uh. It's okay for someone to say,
you know what, you did a good job on that, Okay,
Cause the first thing when you have low fac it's
low self esteem. You're saying, oh I didn't do a
good job. Oh it wasn't enough. Accept the compliment. Okay,
you did a good job today, Say thank you and
tell yourself, yes, I did do a good job, and
let it in right there so you won't talk yourself
out of it. Number seven. Identify your strengths. That means
that everyone has something about them that is good. Okay,
even the worst of the words people have something that
is good. The thing is is that you have to
identify your strengths. What are your skills, what are your talents?
And if you don't know what those things are y uh,
you can actually uh go to a counselor and they
can give you a deal. Types of self assessment like career.
Career counselors give you assessment tests that can help you
to know what you do best in order to help
you to be your best. Number eight. Get active. That
means that, hey, get get moving. Get moving. Okay, when
you're a low self esteem sometimes you might deal with depression, anxiety, worry, panic,
all those things that come with it. Get moving that
means you know what, I'm gonna go, take that walk
or I'm gonna go and even if it's just going
to the store, the window shop, you're moving around Okay.
Sometimes it's just changing your scenery that helps you to
feel better about you. Number nine, this is so important
to do is to surround yourself with support. You need
a support system. You need people that's gonna make you
feel good about you. Okay, we don't want anybody that's
gonna be making you feel down, putting you down, always
drowning you and their negativity. Alright, this is what the
narcissists do. Wanna drown you and their negativity. Remove them
and get people around you who will value you, support you,
and and uh and and the difference between constructive and
destructive criticism, which we talked about that on the last podcast.
Is constructive you know you're the people that love you,
They're gonna give you constructive criticism and help to better yourself.
Destructive Charris excuse me, tears you down with no remedies
in sight. But constructive is to build and uplift you
and to support you in order to help you to
be the best that you can be. Last, but not least,
do things that you enjoy. Oh, what a a confidence builder.
Then to do something that you're passionate about. I love
to I love to paint, and I have been painted
in a while, and guess what, I'm about to get
a canvas and do some painting. You might like to sew,
you might like to dance. Whatever it is that you're
passionate about. Do something that you enjoy because it helps
to reinforce a positive mindset. You deserve to be happy,
and guess what, your feelings do matter, and you want
to have positive feelings about your self. Come on, now,
you deserve it. It's okay to say, okay, well, you
know what, I haven't been feeling good about myself. But
guess what, I'm gonna start learning to like me, to
love me, to value me, to appreciate me, and so
around yourself with others who can see the value in you. Well.
I pray today's podcast has been a blessing to you
and that you would know that your feelings do matter.
This is doctor k R. Richard No I could use
no more until next time.
Speaker 5: The Local and Local