WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.200 Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My 2 00:00:02.279 --> 00:00:04.919 name is Alicia Googin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast, 3 00:00:04.960 --> 00:00:07.519 where I help you expand your mind and become more 4 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:09.640 self awares that you can glow up into the best 5 00:00:09.679 --> 00:00:14.080 version of yourself. Hello and happy Sunday. If we're listening 6 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:17.719 on a Sunday, THEO is in my lap right now. 7 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:20.519 You will see him eventually. He is just being a 8 00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:24.559 little velcral dog. As they say, greyhounds are so today. 9 00:00:24.839 --> 00:00:29.160 I want our Soulful Sunday episode to kind of be 10 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:33.520 like last week, where there's a specific topic and a 11 00:00:33.560 --> 00:00:36.039 specific theme. But of course I'm gonna give you guys 12 00:00:36.119 --> 00:00:39.439 some really good prompts if you relate to today's topic. 13 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:43.280 And there's two reasons why I wanted to make this episode. One, 14 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:47.799 I had asked you guys on YouTube the community tab, 15 00:00:48.039 --> 00:00:51.000 what you guys are working through, what's been coming up 16 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:54.479 for you guys, what topics and advice do you need 17 00:00:54.600 --> 00:00:57.079 as I'm always usually doing and on Instagram as well, 18 00:00:57.119 --> 00:00:59.920 and I got a few comments where people were at 19 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:02.000 ask can you talk about falling in love with your 20 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:05.000 own life? No longer needing male attention to feel happy? 21 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:07.519 Throughout the day. Can you talk on working from anxious 22 00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:10.560 to secure attachment? Can you also talk about loving someone 23 00:01:10.599 --> 00:01:13.120 and letting yourself be loved in a healthy way and 24 00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:16.719 releasing fear of intimacy and working towards a secure attachment style. 25 00:01:17.280 --> 00:01:21.079 And when I read those comments, I'm like, we are 26 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:24.159 just We're Are we twins? Are we sisters? Are we 27 00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:28.760 living the same life? Because listen, in my life right now, 28 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:31.040 this is a theme that is coming up. So I said, 29 00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:33.439 you know what, We're going to talk about this because 30 00:01:33.439 --> 00:01:35.439 I feel like some of my best episodes are ones 31 00:01:35.519 --> 00:01:37.760 where I can really blush out some of the things 32 00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:40.439 that I've been experiencing and learning. And that is kind 33 00:01:40.439 --> 00:01:42.439 of why I like the soulful Sunday episodes. And I 34 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:45.159 don't really think that I've talked about the fear of 35 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:48.480 intimacy and diving deep into that. So I have worked 36 00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:51.719 on my attachment style for many years. Of course, I'm 37 00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:54.359 thirty at the end of this year, so I've dated, 38 00:01:54.400 --> 00:01:58.000 I've had relationships, I've reflected, I've seen the patterns that 39 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:02.120 I have gotten into with men. And when I'm talking 40 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:05.599 about relationships, I'm just going to be saying men or 41 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:08.879 a man, guy, you can switch it up if you 42 00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:12.439 don't identify or you date people who are not men. 43 00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:15.560 I'm just saying these things because that's my experience. I 44 00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:17.639 got a comment to another comment the other day being 45 00:02:17.680 --> 00:02:21.639 like can you not say man? Or like not everyone 46 00:02:21.680 --> 00:02:25.039 dates men. It's like, I understand that. I understand that, 47 00:02:25.319 --> 00:02:28.960 but I'm not going to police myself with using one 48 00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:34.599 hundred disclaimers and trying to include every single possible experience 49 00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:37.120 for everyone based off of who they're dating. I'm just 50 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:40.439 speaking on experience, that is all. But I have learned 51 00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:44.479 a lot of things on the journey of love essentially, 52 00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:47.759 and I came up with four truths quote unquote truths. 53 00:02:47.800 --> 00:02:50.560 I guess my truths that I want to bring to 54 00:02:50.599 --> 00:02:55.520 you guys that might help you really move from anxious 55 00:02:55.560 --> 00:03:00.280 to secure, but also just to allow love in and 56 00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:04.919 to maybe look at your current love life a little 57 00:03:04.919 --> 00:03:08.319 differently and hopefully you can find some clarity because we 58 00:03:08.360 --> 00:03:10.560 will also have general problems. So let's start with the 59 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:15.000 first truth that I became very aware of on my 60 00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:19.680 journey of becoming secure and working on myself. And quick disclaimer, 61 00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:21.919 I am not perfect. I am not like one hundred 62 00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.439 percent securely attached things like that, And I'll let you 63 00:03:24.520 --> 00:03:26.879 know my experience as well throughout the episode. But the 64 00:03:26.919 --> 00:03:29.000 first truth is this, you never needed to work as 65 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:31.719 hard for love as you have. Many of us have 66 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:37.080 learned that love is dysfunctional, that love is inconsistent, that 67 00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:41.319 love is anxiety. Written relationships, I should say, actually, I'll 68 00:03:41.319 --> 00:03:46.120 probably use those interchangeb but let's use relationships intimate relationships. 69 00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:50.759 And when a secure person relationship good things come to you, 70 00:03:51.240 --> 00:03:55.639 it feels not normal, it doesn't feel real. It feels 71 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:59.919 like this is not meant for you. Sometimes you'll sabotage, 72 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:02.599 you won't believe it, or you will push it away. 73 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:07.240 But what's helped me be in more secure attachments with 74 00:04:07.319 --> 00:04:10.800 other people is to understand that fact that I grew 75 00:04:10.919 --> 00:04:16.040 up being taught that relationships are dysfunctional for me. My father, 76 00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:20.480 he was very emotionally disconnected with me. There was no 77 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:23.839 real bond that I had with him, and he taught 78 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:25.839 me to suppress, He taught me to be quiet, and 79 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:28.439 he really just taught me that my needs don't matter, 80 00:04:28.759 --> 00:04:32.199 my feelings won't matter. My heart the one that wants love, 81 00:04:32.519 --> 00:04:34.759 it doesn't matter. You don't get that, And so I 82 00:04:34.839 --> 00:04:38.439 really locked that part up within me. And I was 83 00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:40.839 also very uncomfortable with a lot of my emotions as 84 00:04:40.920 --> 00:04:44.279 I grew up, because I learned that they're not good. 85 00:04:44.360 --> 00:04:46.720 They're bad, and I don't know how to deal with them, 86 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.720 and I shouldn't because if I do, if I am emotional, 87 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:52.759 if I do try to love let's say my father, 88 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:56.439 or if I express myself, there's gonna be punishment. There's 89 00:04:56.560 --> 00:04:58.519 gonna be a no, there's gonna be a slap on 90 00:04:58.519 --> 00:05:01.560 the wrist, there's gonna be rejection. But also with my mom, 91 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:06.480 it was also dysfunctional. I learned to be okay with 92 00:05:06.519 --> 00:05:11.199 inconsistency and saying one thing but doing another and being 93 00:05:11.240 --> 00:05:14.399 really anxiety riddin me because nothing was consistent. There was 94 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:16.600 not a lot that was consistent in my life. And 95 00:05:16.680 --> 00:05:20.079 so when I only see and experience these types of 96 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:23.759 relationships and these patterns, when I go in my adulthood life, 97 00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:26.800 I can't even recognize something that is secure or good. 98 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:30.959 Even if I do, it feels really insecure in a way, 99 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:33.279 and I'll try and push it away. But even before that, 100 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:36.040 what's happened for me is I just never even was 101 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:39.480 able to recognize it. I never even believed that I 102 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:41.439 should have more than what was given to me, Like 103 00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:44.120 I couldn't even see that. It wasn't even shown anywhere 104 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:46.959 in my life. So when somebody would come into my 105 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:49.240 life and they would be giving me half assed, bare 106 00:05:49.319 --> 00:05:54.879 minimum inconsistency, in my subconscious mind, that's normal. That's love, 107 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:57.920 that's relationships. Okay, this is just you know, this feels 108 00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:00.639 pretty similar to the relationships that I had in my past, 109 00:06:00.720 --> 00:06:04.399 like your first relationships, your attachment styles I should say, 110 00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:07.600 with your parents, caregivers, and then usually like your friends 111 00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:10.560 and you know more people around you. They really do 112 00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:14.519 shape what you expect and what you believe you even deserve, 113 00:06:14.600 --> 00:06:16.480 whether you know it or not. And what I mean 114 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:18.879 by you don't have to work as hard for love. 115 00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:24.720 When you think about being fearful or being anxious, that 116 00:06:24.879 --> 00:06:28.000 takes a lot of mental work. It really does. When 117 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:31.519 you're anxious, it's almost like you're constantly on You're trying 118 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:34.399 to control things. You're trying to wonder what you need 119 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:36.879 to do to make sure that this person stays consistent, 120 00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:40.160 or you're worrying even when it comes to being avoidant. 121 00:06:40.560 --> 00:06:43.920 Although you might not be dealing with your emotions it's 122 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:48.319 still painful. It's still very exhausting to go back and 123 00:06:48.360 --> 00:06:51.720 forth sometimes with somebody where it's almost like you kind 124 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:53.120 of know that this is what you want, but then 125 00:06:53.120 --> 00:06:57.399 you're feeling uncomfortable, like it is very exhausting and you 126 00:06:57.560 --> 00:07:01.360 are basically like trying too much, trying really really hard, 127 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:04.600 and love should feel a lot easier. I'm not saying 128 00:07:04.639 --> 00:07:06.319 that it should be perfect and it should just be 129 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:10.040 like roses and you know, butterflies. But I just found 130 00:07:10.160 --> 00:07:16.120 myself throughout my adulthood life that I was trying too hard, 131 00:07:16.160 --> 00:07:18.920 Like I was either trying to get somebody to see 132 00:07:18.959 --> 00:07:22.600 me or want me, or I would try to be 133 00:07:22.879 --> 00:07:26.240 understanding as to why this person wasn't showing up. And 134 00:07:26.279 --> 00:07:29.680 this is what I mean by working hard. Even though 135 00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:34.319 I learned that my emotions weren't safe to be expressed, 136 00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:37.680 and or I understood that my mom wasn't consistent things 137 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:40.439 like that, there would still be something subconsciously within me 138 00:07:40.519 --> 00:07:43.959 that would still try and hope and pray that they 139 00:07:44.120 --> 00:07:47.040 would love me, or they would show up or they 140 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:50.079 would change essentially. And so with my father, I would 141 00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:52.399 be the best kid. I would be the most shy, 142 00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:55.639 the most timid, the most quiet, and it still wasn't 143 00:07:55.720 --> 00:07:57.079 enough to win his love at the end of the day, 144 00:07:57.079 --> 00:07:59.279 because I didn't win his love. I really didn't. Even 145 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:01.399 when it came to my mom, like I was constantly 146 00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:04.240 just on edge, hoping and giving her the benefit of 147 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:06.759 the doubt and accepting every single time that she screwed 148 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:08.240 up and being like, Okay, you know what, if I 149 00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:10.680 accept this, then you're gonna you know, you're gonna change. 150 00:08:10.720 --> 00:08:13.240 And although I learned to accept her without trying to 151 00:08:13.319 --> 00:08:14.839 change her, at the beginning, that's kind of what I 152 00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:17.399 would do. And it was all just me working so 153 00:08:17.720 --> 00:08:20.199 hard to get the love that I really wanted. But 154 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:23.480 the thing is is, sometimes especially when you come from 155 00:08:23.720 --> 00:08:28.240 dysfunctional relationships, you can't change people. But it's not that 156 00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:31.560 you're never gonna get love and secure love and be happy. 157 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:35.559 It's just sometimes from certain people you won't. And so 158 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:39.240 if you feel like love and relationships are hard right now, 159 00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:40.919 like the person that you're with, you just feel like 160 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:43.720 you're anxious, I think fearful avoidant. We'll just like put 161 00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:45.960 in a different category right now, but anxious or like 162 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:51.000 working really hard or waiting and wondering and trying your 163 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:53.639 damnness to try and get somebody to see you and 164 00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:56.480 love you and want you. It shouldn't be that hard, 165 00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:00.840 It really really shouldn't. You were deserving from a little 166 00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:05.000 baby to be unconditionally loved and to have all your 167 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:10.159 needs met and to be embraced by parents or caregivers, 168 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:13.559 and to have an amazing childhood and even as you 169 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:15.399 grew up like we are all deserving of that. It's 170 00:09:15.440 --> 00:09:18.279 just unfortunately we get handed a deck of cards where 171 00:09:19.159 --> 00:09:22.799 mostly everyone's parents. And listen, nobody is perfect. Literally nobody 172 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:25.159 is perfect, but a lot of us we don't come 173 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:27.080 from that. We just didn't. We didn't get that, But 174 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:29.360 it didn't mean that you didn't deserve that. And that's 175 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:32.440 what we're really seeking, right, that secure love that somebody's 176 00:09:32.480 --> 00:09:34.799 going to be there when we go. Like I always 177 00:09:34.919 --> 00:09:39.960 use this example when it comes to securely attached versus 178 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:44.080 like anxiously attached. When you are in a secure attachment, 179 00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:46.559 especially when you're a child, Let's say your parents is 180 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:49.360 bringing you to a park and they're sitting on the bench, 181 00:09:49.399 --> 00:09:51.720 maybe they're talking to other parents, and you see the 182 00:09:51.799 --> 00:09:54.080 children at the playground and you really want to play, right, 183 00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:57.440 you're innate feeling is like I want to go and 184 00:09:57.440 --> 00:09:59.799 play and have fun and that. And so a securely 185 00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:04.320 a child would go run to the children and go 186 00:10:04.399 --> 00:10:08.360 play and be immersed in play. But a anxious child 187 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:11.960 is going to maybe second guess it, I don't know, 188 00:10:12.360 --> 00:10:14.919 maybe ask mom a hundred times, or can you come 189 00:10:14.919 --> 00:10:16.600 with me? Whatever? And that's fine, by the way, because 190 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:18.440 every child is different, right, doesn't mean that you're like 191 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.200 anxiously attached because you're shy. But this constant hesitation is 192 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:25.200 constant fear. And then let's say you do go and 193 00:10:25.240 --> 00:10:27.519 play with the children. The whole time, you're looking back 194 00:10:27.519 --> 00:10:29.279 to see if mom is still there. You're looking back 195 00:10:29.279 --> 00:10:31.279 to see if dad is going to leave you or not. 196 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:33.519 You're looking back to see when are they coming back? 197 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:35.960 Like you're you're scared, you're anxious, and that's taking you 198 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:38.480 out of the present moment. And you know, that's kind 199 00:10:38.480 --> 00:10:40.240 of what we do a lot of the times when 200 00:10:40.240 --> 00:10:42.679 we're anxiously attached. You know, like when somebody is not 201 00:10:42.720 --> 00:10:44.720 texting you back right away, you instantly are going to 202 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:47.000 what are they doing, Oh my gosh, they don't love me, 203 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:49.159 When are they coming back? This? That? And when you 204 00:10:49.159 --> 00:10:51.240 think about a child doing that, Like, don't you think 205 00:10:51.279 --> 00:10:54.080 that a child should be safe enough or feel safe 206 00:10:54.200 --> 00:10:56.120 enough to go run and play with friends and not 207 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:58.320 worry and just know that you know they're going to 208 00:10:58.360 --> 00:11:01.240 be embraced when they get home or embraced when they're 209 00:11:01.240 --> 00:11:04.360 done playing, Like that's what we want for ourselves. So 210 00:11:04.960 --> 00:11:06.960 this is just something that I think about a lot 211 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:09.559 in terms of relationships and what I look for. Right, 212 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:11.759 you know, I have to do the work on myself 213 00:11:11.879 --> 00:11:14.919 to see my patterns and to not let it play 214 00:11:14.919 --> 00:11:18.679 out heavily in relationships. But on the other hand, it's like, 215 00:11:18.919 --> 00:11:21.960 you do want to look for people who can create 216 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:24.200 that safety with you, And a lot of the times 217 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:26.919 we're working really hard for people who don't have the 218 00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:30.120 capacity to be there for whatever reason. And that leads 219 00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:32.399 me to the next truth. But I do first want 220 00:11:32.440 --> 00:11:33.919 to give you a journal prompt and by the way, 221 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:36.960 the general prompts will be in the description below, and 222 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:39.200 it says, reflect on the time when you accepted less 223 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:42.120 than you deserve and love what beliefs led you to 224 00:11:42.159 --> 00:11:45.200 stay in that situation? And like I already said, for me, 225 00:11:45.360 --> 00:11:49.480 I learned that relationships are dysfunctional and I don't deserve 226 00:11:49.559 --> 00:11:52.639 much and I shouldn't ask for much and I shouldn't 227 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:58.519 expect much, and that belief system that experience definitely played 228 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:01.000 out in my love life. Now, let's go to truth 229 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:04.879 number two, which is it doesn't matter why a person 230 00:12:05.519 --> 00:12:08.440 is not showing up or prioritizing you or being the 231 00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:10.879 secure person that you desperately want them to be. What 232 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.840 matters is that they're not. And this is another real 233 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:18.120 hard truth that will save you many years. And I 234 00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:21.159 think we've probably all been here where you try to 235 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:26.639 understand why someone isn't prioritizing you and trying to intellectualize 236 00:12:26.639 --> 00:12:29.039 it in your head where it doesn't hurt. Right, Okay, 237 00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:30.840 they love me, they just can't show up because of 238 00:12:30.879 --> 00:12:32.679 this and that and the third. But I'm gonna accept 239 00:12:32.679 --> 00:12:34.440 it because I know that they love me and they 240 00:12:34.480 --> 00:12:37.960 do treat me nice when they are available, but you know, 241 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:40.879 it's still kind of bare minimum. And I just had 242 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:42.759 to be real with myself a lot of the times 243 00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:46.559 with this dynamic that I would get into like, it 244 00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:49.120 doesn't really matter if this person likes you or not, right, 245 00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:51.360 because I feel like sometimes we're like, well, I'm the one, 246 00:12:51.399 --> 00:12:54.960 it's just he's he's not doing it all yet, but 247 00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:56.960 like he will, Like I know in my head that 248 00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:00.519 he likes me, or he loves me, and or it 249 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:04.000 doesn't matter. Even if the guy is just disrespecting you 250 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:06.840 and just actually doesn't like you and he likes somebody else, whatever, 251 00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:09.799 it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, this 252 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:14.279 person is not showing up consistently and basically being secure 253 00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:18.720 and being the person that you deserve. So we shouldn't 254 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:22.720 be concerned with why. It doesn't matter why, because you 255 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:25.240 sitting here trying to understand why somebody isn't showing up, 256 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:27.600 it's just you keeping yourself in the pattern. It's you 257 00:13:28.039 --> 00:13:31.519 playing out those patterns from childhood, and it's not going 258 00:13:31.600 --> 00:13:33.120 to get you anywhere. And this is how I look 259 00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:37.799 at it now. Security and efforts should be baseline. Consistency 260 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:42.320 should be baseline. Action and reciprocation and readiness when it 261 00:13:42.399 --> 00:13:46.240 comes to relationship should be the standard. It just should. 262 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:50.120 And if somebody is not doing that, then they are 263 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:52.720 not a good candidate. And I'm not going to sit 264 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:56.200 here and put myself in a situation where I'm waiting, 265 00:13:56.279 --> 00:13:58.279 I'm wondering, I'm trying to understand it. I'm trying to 266 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:01.320 do mental gymnastics to make it seem like, Okay, this 267 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:03.960 is not as bad as I know. And so if 268 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:07.799 you find yourself in these situations, then here's a prompt 269 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:12.279 for you. Imagine someone who sees security, effort, consistency, and 270 00:14:12.360 --> 00:14:15.759 reciprocation as non negotiable in love. Now look at the 271 00:14:15.799 --> 00:14:17.840 people that you are currently allowing in your life and 272 00:14:17.919 --> 00:14:21.879 ask yourself, would that person with high standards accept these 273 00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.440 people into their lives? Why or why not? And I 274 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:26.960 know sometimes it can be hard with this because a 275 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:29.480 lot of times we are not surrounded by people who 276 00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:34.200 have those standards. I think this generation is definitely struggling 277 00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:41.000 with having healthy standards in relationships. Either they're completely skewed 278 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:44.799 and like based off of people clearly never being in relationships, 279 00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:48.080 or they're just really low, like the bar is very low, 280 00:14:48.279 --> 00:14:50.399 and when you've not come from much like, of course, 281 00:14:50.440 --> 00:14:52.039 it's going to be difficult for you to believe that. 282 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:54.919 But you can even think about, you know, your dream relationship, 283 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:58.440 what would you want it to look like and be like? 284 00:14:58.519 --> 00:15:00.720 And I can guarantee you it's going to have on 285 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:05.879 that list consistency and effort and action and security and 286 00:15:05.919 --> 00:15:10.399 safety and just feeling safe, you know, in that relationship 287 00:15:10.399 --> 00:15:13.799 where you again you can go back to that playing 288 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:17.519 at the playground situation and knowing that your partner is 289 00:15:17.559 --> 00:15:20.440 going to be there when you get back. And when 290 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:23.159 it comes to being a secure person, a secure person 291 00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:26.480 wants to still go play and know that this person 292 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:29.519 that they're with is over here and they're not going anywhere. 293 00:15:29.720 --> 00:15:31.600 But they don't need that person to bet with them 294 00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.600 at all times, every second, and you should want that 295 00:15:34.679 --> 00:15:37.159 for yourself. In my personal opinion, when it comes to 296 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:40.039 being secure, a secure person is that person that can 297 00:15:40.080 --> 00:15:42.080 go and do the things that they need to because 298 00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:45.399 they have a full life, because their life matters without 299 00:15:45.799 --> 00:15:49.679 always having that person holding your hand, but also wanting 300 00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:52.960 and expecting that the person that they're with is going 301 00:15:53.039 --> 00:15:56.639 to be there now. The next truth is really just 302 00:15:57.120 --> 00:16:00.159 actually addressing your fear of intimacy if you know that 303 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:04.960 you are feeling a little uncomfortable when you actually do 304 00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:07.360 have somebody who wants to come into your life and 305 00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:10.080 love you. And I think that there's a lot of 306 00:16:10.120 --> 00:16:13.240 people who I think they don't even really fully know it, 307 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:16.960 but that they are anxious and avoidant, like anxious with 308 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:19.639 the wrong person who for the most part, probably triggers 309 00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:22.159 you into being anxious all the time, but also that 310 00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:27.159 caveat being you might not be able to regulate yourself 311 00:16:27.240 --> 00:16:29.320 or self soothe, or have your own thing going in 312 00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.120 your life, which we'll talk about in truth number four, 313 00:16:32.279 --> 00:16:36.480 which can make a great cocktail of being anxiously attached. 314 00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:37.879 And that's what I've had to work on in my 315 00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:40.960 life as well. But on the deeper side of things, 316 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:43.799 when you actually have somebody come in your life that 317 00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:48.399 is secure, it feels, like I said, it feels like, ooh, 318 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:50.879 I don't know, doesn't feel right. But then you might 319 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:54.240 lock up your own emotions, you might feel like you're cringey, 320 00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:58.320 you might just feel really uncomfortable. So if you find 321 00:16:58.360 --> 00:17:01.480 yourself in those patterns, definitely the time to address your 322 00:17:01.519 --> 00:17:04.200 fear of intimacy. And I think for a long time 323 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:08.079 I really just ignored that and it felt so hard 324 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:09.839 and I didn't know really what to do with it. 325 00:17:09.920 --> 00:17:13.200 So I tried in some of my relationships that were 326 00:17:13.240 --> 00:17:16.000 more on the secure side, and when I worked through 327 00:17:16.039 --> 00:17:19.839 being anxious, I just kind of tried to be in 328 00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:24.039 a relationship with carrying my fear of intimacy. Though, like 329 00:17:24.279 --> 00:17:27.880 I was definitely still pushing a lot of things down 330 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:31.960 or away, but I just tried to ride out that relationship. 331 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:34.799 But it started to come out in ways like I 332 00:17:34.880 --> 00:17:37.240 wasn't being the most authentic version of myself. I did 333 00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:40.359 feel like awkward in some senses when I was around 334 00:17:40.400 --> 00:17:43.759 somebody who was secure, because they would be wanting to 335 00:17:43.759 --> 00:17:45.880 come closer to me, And I was like, this feels 336 00:17:46.000 --> 00:17:48.880 really like a lot, And maybe I'll give you a 337 00:17:49.240 --> 00:17:53.559 situation that happened to me where I realized this fear 338 00:17:53.559 --> 00:17:55.920 of intimacy was like coming online. I was talking to 339 00:17:55.960 --> 00:18:00.839 someone and he really considered me. I remember he had 340 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:03.440 like taken a photo of something during the day and 341 00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:05.160 he followed up with me and he said, oh, like 342 00:18:05.240 --> 00:18:06.880 this is the thing that I was talking about when 343 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:09.400 we were talking on the phone. And instantly I felt 344 00:18:10.119 --> 00:18:13.240 this sense of like, why does this feel so weird? 345 00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:17.640 Like he considered me and thought about me in his 346 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:20.559 day so much so that he followed up and he 347 00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:24.680 did something like he just considered me. Like it's insane 348 00:18:24.680 --> 00:18:27.279 that that felt so weird. But it almost it's not 349 00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:30.920 like the ick that everyone talks about on TikTok, but 350 00:18:30.960 --> 00:18:33.160 it almost kind of felt like that. So I'm going 351 00:18:33.200 --> 00:18:35.839 to read some things that kind of can explain that 352 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:38.440 if you've ever experienced that. So the first thing is 353 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:42.799 fear of genuine intimacy and vulnerability. When someone consistently shows 354 00:18:42.880 --> 00:18:44.880 up for you and really sees you, it forces you 355 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:47.960 to confront the idea that they genuinely care. That can 356 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:51.279 be both beautiful and scary. Sometimes it triggers a subconscious 357 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:53.880 fear like oh, this is real and I could actually 358 00:18:53.880 --> 00:18:56.599 get hurt. The quote unquote dick can be a knee 359 00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.480 jerk reaction to the discomfort of being deeply cared for. 360 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:02.200 The Next thing, your nervous system isn't used to this. 361 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:05.799 If you've been in situations where people were inconsistent, unavailable, 362 00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:08.799 or left you guessing, your brain might have associated attraction 363 00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:12.599 with uncertainty. When a secure person shows up and provides stability, 364 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:16.039 your system might go to weight, this is different. Do 365 00:19:16.119 --> 00:19:18.880 I actually like this? It's not necessarily that you don't, 366 00:19:18.920 --> 00:19:21.559 it's just that it feels foreign. The next point, you're 367 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.319 processing the weight of being considered. When you realize that 368 00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:27.319 he thought about you, followed through, and showed consistent care, 369 00:19:27.759 --> 00:19:30.160 it may have triggered an internal dialogue like wow, I 370 00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:33.319 actually mattered to him. That level of consideration can sometimes 371 00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:36.000 feel overwhelming, especially if you're used to being more self 372 00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:38.599 reliable or not expecting others to put in effort. It's 373 00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:41.279 like your brain's hitting a tiny panic button. Am I 374 00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:45.039 ready to receive this next point? Subconscious pattern checking. If 375 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:49.440 you've ever been in dynamics where affection felt transactional, where 376 00:19:49.480 --> 00:19:52.359 someone's attention came with strings attached, your brain might be 377 00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:55.240 scanning for a catch even when none exists. It's like 378 00:19:55.240 --> 00:19:58.279 an automatic defense mechanism again, something that in the past 379 00:19:58.319 --> 00:20:00.880 may have led to disappointment or reject And I do 380 00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:04.160 find when you're anxiously attached, that's typically what you're doing. 381 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:08.480 You're always scanning, scanning, scanning, which of course is just exhausting. 382 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:12.119 And so when I feel this fear come up in 383 00:20:12.160 --> 00:20:16.720 this block, or this pushing away, or this uncomfortable feeling, 384 00:20:16.839 --> 00:20:20.279 I stop and just remind myself in the moments, Okay, 385 00:20:20.319 --> 00:20:23.000 you know what this is like the young version of 386 00:20:23.079 --> 00:20:27.279 me that was taught to not be comfortable with this feeling, 387 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:30.599 But it's not actually the truth of who I am. 388 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:34.200 So that's important because I feel like sometimes we convince 389 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:36.160 ourselves that this is what we should do is push 390 00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:38.039 it away because it doesn't feel good. It's like, okay, well, 391 00:20:38.079 --> 00:20:40.279 if it doesn't feel good, then yes, I should push 392 00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:42.319 this away. Like it's not right. This person's not a 393 00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:45.119 right fit. This just no, there's no way, Like if 394 00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:47.359 it doesn't feel good to me, then no, but that's 395 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.440 not true. Like we have to remind ourselves that in 396 00:20:49.480 --> 00:20:53.240 the moment, Like I was taught to not feel comfortable 397 00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:57.279 with intimacy and you know, being vulnerable and things like that. 398 00:20:57.559 --> 00:21:00.319 And instead of telling yourself, oh, I can't do this, 399 00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:02.319 this is not for me, and you can tell yourself, 400 00:21:02.680 --> 00:21:05.640 I'm exploring something new and it is okay to adjust. 401 00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:08.200