Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My
Speaker 1: name is Alicia Googin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast,
Speaker 1: where I help you expand your mind and become more
Speaker 1: self awares that you can glow up into the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself. Hello and happy Sunday. If we're listening
Speaker 1: on a Sunday, THEO is in my lap right now.
Speaker 1: You will see him eventually. He is just being a
Speaker 1: little velcral dog. As they say, greyhounds are so today.
Speaker 1: I want our Soulful Sunday episode to kind of be
Speaker 1: like last week, where there's a specific topic and a
Speaker 1: specific theme. But of course I'm gonna give you guys
Speaker 1: some really good prompts if you relate to today's topic.
Speaker 1: And there's two reasons why I wanted to make this episode. One,
Speaker 1: I had asked you guys on YouTube the community tab,
Speaker 1: what you guys are working through, what's been coming up
Speaker 1: for you guys, what topics and advice do you need
Speaker 1: as I'm always usually doing and on Instagram as well,
Speaker 1: and I got a few comments where people were at
Speaker 1: ask can you talk about falling in love with your
Speaker 1: own life? No longer needing male attention to feel happy?
Speaker 1: Throughout the day. Can you talk on working from anxious
Speaker 1: to secure attachment? Can you also talk about loving someone
Speaker 1: and letting yourself be loved in a healthy way and
Speaker 1: releasing fear of intimacy and working towards a secure attachment style.
Speaker 1: And when I read those comments, I'm like, we are
Speaker 1: just We're Are we twins? Are we sisters? Are we
Speaker 1: living the same life? Because listen, in my life right now,
Speaker 1: this is a theme that is coming up. So I said,
Speaker 1: you know what, We're going to talk about this because
Speaker 1: I feel like some of my best episodes are ones
Speaker 1: where I can really blush out some of the things
Speaker 1: that I've been experiencing and learning. And that is kind
Speaker 1: of why I like the soulful Sunday episodes. And I
Speaker 1: don't really think that I've talked about the fear of
Speaker 1: intimacy and diving deep into that. So I have worked
Speaker 1: on my attachment style for many years. Of course, I'm
Speaker 1: thirty at the end of this year, so I've dated,
Speaker 1: I've had relationships, I've reflected, I've seen the patterns that
Speaker 1: I have gotten into with men. And when I'm talking
Speaker 1: about relationships, I'm just going to be saying men or
Speaker 1: a man, guy, you can switch it up if you
Speaker 1: don't identify or you date people who are not men.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying these things because that's my experience. I
Speaker 1: got a comment to another comment the other day being
Speaker 1: like can you not say man? Or like not everyone
Speaker 1: dates men. It's like, I understand that. I understand that,
Speaker 1: but I'm not going to police myself with using one
Speaker 1: hundred disclaimers and trying to include every single possible experience
Speaker 1: for everyone based off of who they're dating. I'm just
Speaker 1: speaking on experience, that is all. But I have learned
Speaker 1: a lot of things on the journey of love essentially,
Speaker 1: and I came up with four truths quote unquote truths.
Speaker 1: I guess my truths that I want to bring to
Speaker 1: you guys that might help you really move from anxious
Speaker 1: to secure, but also just to allow love in and
Speaker 1: to maybe look at your current love life a little
Speaker 1: differently and hopefully you can find some clarity because we
Speaker 1: will also have general problems. So let's start with the
Speaker 1: first truth that I became very aware of on my
Speaker 1: journey of becoming secure and working on myself. And quick disclaimer,
Speaker 1: I am not perfect. I am not like one hundred
Speaker 1: percent securely attached things like that, And I'll let you
Speaker 1: know my experience as well throughout the episode. But the
Speaker 1: first truth is this, you never needed to work as
Speaker 1: hard for love as you have. Many of us have
Speaker 1: learned that love is dysfunctional, that love is inconsistent, that
Speaker 1: love is anxiety. Written relationships, I should say, actually, I'll
Speaker 1: probably use those interchangeb but let's use relationships intimate relationships.
Speaker 1: And when a secure person relationship good things come to you,
Speaker 1: it feels not normal, it doesn't feel real. It feels
Speaker 1: like this is not meant for you. Sometimes you'll sabotage,
Speaker 1: you won't believe it, or you will push it away.
Speaker 1: But what's helped me be in more secure attachments with
Speaker 1: other people is to understand that fact that I grew
Speaker 1: up being taught that relationships are dysfunctional for me. My father,
Speaker 1: he was very emotionally disconnected with me. There was no
Speaker 1: real bond that I had with him, and he taught
Speaker 1: me to suppress, He taught me to be quiet, and
Speaker 1: he really just taught me that my needs don't matter,
Speaker 1: my feelings won't matter. My heart the one that wants love,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. You don't get that, And so I
Speaker 1: really locked that part up within me. And I was
Speaker 1: also very uncomfortable with a lot of my emotions as
Speaker 1: I grew up, because I learned that they're not good.
Speaker 1: They're bad, and I don't know how to deal with them,
Speaker 1: and I shouldn't because if I do, if I am emotional,
Speaker 1: if I do try to love let's say my father,
Speaker 1: or if I express myself, there's gonna be punishment. There's
Speaker 1: gonna be a no, there's gonna be a slap on
Speaker 1: the wrist, there's gonna be rejection. But also with my mom,
Speaker 1: it was also dysfunctional. I learned to be okay with
Speaker 1: inconsistency and saying one thing but doing another and being
Speaker 1: really anxiety riddin me because nothing was consistent. There was
Speaker 1: not a lot that was consistent in my life. And
Speaker 1: so when I only see and experience these types of
Speaker 1: relationships and these patterns, when I go in my adulthood life,
Speaker 1: I can't even recognize something that is secure or good.
Speaker 1: Even if I do, it feels really insecure in a way,
Speaker 1: and I'll try and push it away. But even before that,
Speaker 1: what's happened for me is I just never even was
Speaker 1: able to recognize it. I never even believed that I
Speaker 1: should have more than what was given to me, Like
Speaker 1: I couldn't even see that. It wasn't even shown anywhere
Speaker 1: in my life. So when somebody would come into my
Speaker 1: life and they would be giving me half assed, bare
Speaker 1: minimum inconsistency, in my subconscious mind, that's normal. That's love,
Speaker 1: that's relationships. Okay, this is just you know, this feels
Speaker 1: pretty similar to the relationships that I had in my past,
Speaker 1: like your first relationships, your attachment styles I should say,
Speaker 1: with your parents, caregivers, and then usually like your friends
Speaker 1: and you know more people around you. They really do
Speaker 1: shape what you expect and what you believe you even deserve,
Speaker 1: whether you know it or not. And what I mean
Speaker 1: by you don't have to work as hard for love.
Speaker 1: When you think about being fearful or being anxious, that
Speaker 1: takes a lot of mental work. It really does. When
Speaker 1: you're anxious, it's almost like you're constantly on You're trying
Speaker 1: to control things. You're trying to wonder what you need
Speaker 1: to do to make sure that this person stays consistent,
Speaker 1: or you're worrying even when it comes to being avoidant.
Speaker 1: Although you might not be dealing with your emotions it's
Speaker 1: still painful. It's still very exhausting to go back and
Speaker 1: forth sometimes with somebody where it's almost like you kind
Speaker 1: of know that this is what you want, but then
Speaker 1: you're feeling uncomfortable, like it is very exhausting and you
Speaker 1: are basically like trying too much, trying really really hard,
Speaker 1: and love should feel a lot easier. I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that it should be perfect and it should just be
Speaker 1: like roses and you know, butterflies. But I just found
Speaker 1: myself throughout my adulthood life that I was trying too hard,
Speaker 1: Like I was either trying to get somebody to see
Speaker 1: me or want me, or I would try to be
Speaker 1: understanding as to why this person wasn't showing up. And
Speaker 1: this is what I mean by working hard. Even though
Speaker 1: I learned that my emotions weren't safe to be expressed,
Speaker 1: and or I understood that my mom wasn't consistent things
Speaker 1: like that, there would still be something subconsciously within me
Speaker 1: that would still try and hope and pray that they
Speaker 1: would love me, or they would show up or they
Speaker 1: would change essentially. And so with my father, I would
Speaker 1: be the best kid. I would be the most shy,
Speaker 1: the most timid, the most quiet, and it still wasn't
Speaker 1: enough to win his love at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: because I didn't win his love. I really didn't. Even
Speaker 1: when it came to my mom, like I was constantly
Speaker 1: just on edge, hoping and giving her the benefit of
Speaker 1: the doubt and accepting every single time that she screwed
Speaker 1: up and being like, Okay, you know what, if I
Speaker 1: accept this, then you're gonna you know, you're gonna change.
Speaker 1: And although I learned to accept her without trying to
Speaker 1: change her, at the beginning, that's kind of what I
Speaker 1: would do. And it was all just me working so
Speaker 1: hard to get the love that I really wanted. But
Speaker 1: the thing is is, sometimes especially when you come from
Speaker 1: dysfunctional relationships, you can't change people. But it's not that
Speaker 1: you're never gonna get love and secure love and be happy.
Speaker 1: It's just sometimes from certain people you won't. And so
Speaker 1: if you feel like love and relationships are hard right now,
Speaker 1: like the person that you're with, you just feel like
Speaker 1: you're anxious, I think fearful avoidant. We'll just like put
Speaker 1: in a different category right now, but anxious or like
Speaker 1: working really hard or waiting and wondering and trying your
Speaker 1: damnness to try and get somebody to see you and
Speaker 1: love you and want you. It shouldn't be that hard,
Speaker 1: It really really shouldn't. You were deserving from a little
Speaker 1: baby to be unconditionally loved and to have all your
Speaker 1: needs met and to be embraced by parents or caregivers,
Speaker 1: and to have an amazing childhood and even as you
Speaker 1: grew up like we are all deserving of that. It's
Speaker 1: just unfortunately we get handed a deck of cards where
Speaker 1: mostly everyone's parents. And listen, nobody is perfect. Literally nobody
Speaker 1: is perfect, but a lot of us we don't come
Speaker 1: from that. We just didn't. We didn't get that, But
Speaker 1: it didn't mean that you didn't deserve that. And that's
Speaker 1: what we're really seeking, right, that secure love that somebody's
Speaker 1: going to be there when we go. Like I always
Speaker 1: use this example when it comes to securely attached versus
Speaker 1: like anxiously attached. When you are in a secure attachment,
Speaker 1: especially when you're a child, Let's say your parents is
Speaker 1: bringing you to a park and they're sitting on the bench,
Speaker 1: maybe they're talking to other parents, and you see the
Speaker 1: children at the playground and you really want to play, right,
Speaker 1: you're innate feeling is like I want to go and
Speaker 1: play and have fun and that. And so a securely
Speaker 1: a child would go run to the children and go
Speaker 1: play and be immersed in play. But a anxious child
Speaker 1: is going to maybe second guess it, I don't know,
Speaker 1: maybe ask mom a hundred times, or can you come
Speaker 1: with me? Whatever? And that's fine, by the way, because
Speaker 1: every child is different, right, doesn't mean that you're like
Speaker 1: anxiously attached because you're shy. But this constant hesitation is
Speaker 1: constant fear. And then let's say you do go and
Speaker 1: play with the children. The whole time, you're looking back
Speaker 1: to see if mom is still there. You're looking back
Speaker 1: to see if dad is going to leave you or not.
Speaker 1: You're looking back to see when are they coming back?
Speaker 1: Like you're you're scared, you're anxious, and that's taking you
Speaker 1: out of the present moment. And you know, that's kind
Speaker 1: of what we do a lot of the times when
Speaker 1: we're anxiously attached. You know, like when somebody is not
Speaker 1: texting you back right away, you instantly are going to
Speaker 1: what are they doing, Oh my gosh, they don't love me,
Speaker 1: When are they coming back? This? That? And when you
Speaker 1: think about a child doing that, Like, don't you think
Speaker 1: that a child should be safe enough or feel safe
Speaker 1: enough to go run and play with friends and not
Speaker 1: worry and just know that you know they're going to
Speaker 1: be embraced when they get home or embraced when they're
Speaker 1: done playing, Like that's what we want for ourselves. So
Speaker 1: this is just something that I think about a lot
Speaker 1: in terms of relationships and what I look for. Right,
Speaker 1: you know, I have to do the work on myself
Speaker 1: to see my patterns and to not let it play
Speaker 1: out heavily in relationships. But on the other hand, it's like,
Speaker 1: you do want to look for people who can create
Speaker 1: that safety with you, And a lot of the times
Speaker 1: we're working really hard for people who don't have the
Speaker 1: capacity to be there for whatever reason. And that leads
Speaker 1: me to the next truth. But I do first want
Speaker 1: to give you a journal prompt and by the way,
Speaker 1: the general prompts will be in the description below, and
Speaker 1: it says, reflect on the time when you accepted less
Speaker 1: than you deserve and love what beliefs led you to
Speaker 1: stay in that situation? And like I already said, for me,
Speaker 1: I learned that relationships are dysfunctional and I don't deserve
Speaker 1: much and I shouldn't ask for much and I shouldn't
Speaker 1: expect much, and that belief system that experience definitely played
Speaker 1: out in my love life. Now, let's go to truth
Speaker 1: number two, which is it doesn't matter why a person
Speaker 1: is not showing up or prioritizing you or being the
Speaker 1: secure person that you desperately want them to be. What
Speaker 1: matters is that they're not. And this is another real
Speaker 1: hard truth that will save you many years. And I
Speaker 1: think we've probably all been here where you try to
Speaker 1: understand why someone isn't prioritizing you and trying to intellectualize
Speaker 1: it in your head where it doesn't hurt. Right, Okay,
Speaker 1: they love me, they just can't show up because of
Speaker 1: this and that and the third. But I'm gonna accept
Speaker 1: it because I know that they love me and they
Speaker 1: do treat me nice when they are available, but you know,
Speaker 1: it's still kind of bare minimum. And I just had
Speaker 1: to be real with myself a lot of the times
Speaker 1: with this dynamic that I would get into like, it
Speaker 1: doesn't really matter if this person likes you or not, right,
Speaker 1: because I feel like sometimes we're like, well, I'm the one,
Speaker 1: it's just he's he's not doing it all yet, but
Speaker 1: like he will, Like I know in my head that
Speaker 1: he likes me, or he loves me, and or it
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Even if the guy is just disrespecting you
Speaker 1: and just actually doesn't like you and he likes somebody else, whatever,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, this
Speaker 1: person is not showing up consistently and basically being secure
Speaker 1: and being the person that you deserve. So we shouldn't
Speaker 1: be concerned with why. It doesn't matter why, because you
Speaker 1: sitting here trying to understand why somebody isn't showing up,
Speaker 1: it's just you keeping yourself in the pattern. It's you
Speaker 1: playing out those patterns from childhood, and it's not going
Speaker 1: to get you anywhere. And this is how I look
Speaker 1: at it now. Security and efforts should be baseline. Consistency
Speaker 1: should be baseline. Action and reciprocation and readiness when it
Speaker 1: comes to relationship should be the standard. It just should.
Speaker 1: And if somebody is not doing that, then they are
Speaker 1: not a good candidate. And I'm not going to sit
Speaker 1: here and put myself in a situation where I'm waiting,
Speaker 1: I'm wondering, I'm trying to understand it. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: do mental gymnastics to make it seem like, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is not as bad as I know. And so if
Speaker 1: you find yourself in these situations, then here's a prompt
Speaker 1: for you. Imagine someone who sees security, effort, consistency, and
Speaker 1: reciprocation as non negotiable in love. Now look at the
Speaker 1: people that you are currently allowing in your life and
Speaker 1: ask yourself, would that person with high standards accept these
Speaker 1: people into their lives? Why or why not? And I
Speaker 1: know sometimes it can be hard with this because a
Speaker 1: lot of times we are not surrounded by people who
Speaker 1: have those standards. I think this generation is definitely struggling
Speaker 1: with having healthy standards in relationships. Either they're completely skewed
Speaker 1: and like based off of people clearly never being in relationships,
Speaker 1: or they're just really low, like the bar is very low,
Speaker 1: and when you've not come from much like, of course,
Speaker 1: it's going to be difficult for you to believe that.
Speaker 1: But you can even think about, you know, your dream relationship,
Speaker 1: what would you want it to look like and be like?
Speaker 1: And I can guarantee you it's going to have on
Speaker 1: that list consistency and effort and action and security and
Speaker 1: safety and just feeling safe, you know, in that relationship
Speaker 1: where you again you can go back to that playing
Speaker 1: at the playground situation and knowing that your partner is
Speaker 1: going to be there when you get back. And when
Speaker 1: it comes to being a secure person, a secure person
Speaker 1: wants to still go play and know that this person
Speaker 1: that they're with is over here and they're not going anywhere.
Speaker 1: But they don't need that person to bet with them
Speaker 1: at all times, every second, and you should want that
Speaker 1: for yourself. In my personal opinion, when it comes to
Speaker 1: being secure, a secure person is that person that can
Speaker 1: go and do the things that they need to because
Speaker 1: they have a full life, because their life matters without
Speaker 1: always having that person holding your hand, but also wanting
Speaker 1: and expecting that the person that they're with is going
Speaker 1: to be there now. The next truth is really just
Speaker 1: actually addressing your fear of intimacy if you know that
Speaker 1: you are feeling a little uncomfortable when you actually do
Speaker 1: have somebody who wants to come into your life and
Speaker 1: love you. And I think that there's a lot of
Speaker 1: people who I think they don't even really fully know it,
Speaker 1: but that they are anxious and avoidant, like anxious with
Speaker 1: the wrong person who for the most part, probably triggers
Speaker 1: you into being anxious all the time, but also that
Speaker 1: caveat being you might not be able to regulate yourself
Speaker 1: or self soothe, or have your own thing going in
Speaker 1: your life, which we'll talk about in truth number four,
Speaker 1: which can make a great cocktail of being anxiously attached.
Speaker 1: And that's what I've had to work on in my
Speaker 1: life as well. But on the deeper side of things,
Speaker 1: when you actually have somebody come in your life that
Speaker 1: is secure, it feels, like I said, it feels like, ooh,
Speaker 1: I don't know, doesn't feel right. But then you might
Speaker 1: lock up your own emotions, you might feel like you're cringey,
Speaker 1: you might just feel really uncomfortable. So if you find
Speaker 1: yourself in those patterns, definitely the time to address your
Speaker 1: fear of intimacy. And I think for a long time
Speaker 1: I really just ignored that and it felt so hard
Speaker 1: and I didn't know really what to do with it.
Speaker 1: So I tried in some of my relationships that were
Speaker 1: more on the secure side, and when I worked through
Speaker 1: being anxious, I just kind of tried to be in
Speaker 1: a relationship with carrying my fear of intimacy. Though, like
Speaker 1: I was definitely still pushing a lot of things down
Speaker 1: or away, but I just tried to ride out that relationship.
Speaker 1: But it started to come out in ways like I
Speaker 1: wasn't being the most authentic version of myself. I did
Speaker 1: feel like awkward in some senses when I was around
Speaker 1: somebody who was secure, because they would be wanting to
Speaker 1: come closer to me, And I was like, this feels
Speaker 1: really like a lot, And maybe I'll give you a
Speaker 1: situation that happened to me where I realized this fear
Speaker 1: of intimacy was like coming online. I was talking to
Speaker 1: someone and he really considered me. I remember he had
Speaker 1: like taken a photo of something during the day and
Speaker 1: he followed up with me and he said, oh, like
Speaker 1: this is the thing that I was talking about when
Speaker 1: we were talking on the phone. And instantly I felt
Speaker 1: this sense of like, why does this feel so weird?
Speaker 1: Like he considered me and thought about me in his
Speaker 1: day so much so that he followed up and he
Speaker 1: did something like he just considered me. Like it's insane
Speaker 1: that that felt so weird. But it almost it's not
Speaker 1: like the ick that everyone talks about on TikTok, but
Speaker 1: it almost kind of felt like that. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to read some things that kind of can explain that
Speaker 1: if you've ever experienced that. So the first thing is
Speaker 1: fear of genuine intimacy and vulnerability. When someone consistently shows
Speaker 1: up for you and really sees you, it forces you
Speaker 1: to confront the idea that they genuinely care. That can
Speaker 1: be both beautiful and scary. Sometimes it triggers a subconscious
Speaker 1: fear like oh, this is real and I could actually
Speaker 1: get hurt. The quote unquote dick can be a knee
Speaker 1: jerk reaction to the discomfort of being deeply cared for.
Speaker 1: The Next thing, your nervous system isn't used to this.
Speaker 1: If you've been in situations where people were inconsistent, unavailable,
Speaker 1: or left you guessing, your brain might have associated attraction
Speaker 1: with uncertainty. When a secure person shows up and provides stability,
Speaker 1: your system might go to weight, this is different. Do
Speaker 1: I actually like this? It's not necessarily that you don't,
Speaker 1: it's just that it feels foreign. The next point, you're
Speaker 1: processing the weight of being considered. When you realize that
Speaker 1: he thought about you, followed through, and showed consistent care,
Speaker 1: it may have triggered an internal dialogue like wow, I
Speaker 1: actually mattered to him. That level of consideration can sometimes
Speaker 1: feel overwhelming, especially if you're used to being more self
Speaker 1: reliable or not expecting others to put in effort. It's
Speaker 1: like your brain's hitting a tiny panic button. Am I
Speaker 1: ready to receive this next point? Subconscious pattern checking. If
Speaker 1: you've ever been in dynamics where affection felt transactional, where
Speaker 1: someone's attention came with strings attached, your brain might be
Speaker 1: scanning for a catch even when none exists. It's like
Speaker 1: an automatic defense mechanism again, something that in the past
Speaker 1: may have led to disappointment or reject And I do
Speaker 1: find when you're anxiously attached, that's typically what you're doing.
Speaker 1: You're always scanning, scanning, scanning, which of course is just exhausting.
Speaker 1: And so when I feel this fear come up in
Speaker 1: this block, or this pushing away, or this uncomfortable feeling,
Speaker 1: I stop and just remind myself in the moments, Okay,
Speaker 1: you know what this is like the young version of
Speaker 1: me that was taught to not be comfortable with this feeling,
Speaker 1: But it's not actually the truth of who I am.
Speaker 1: So that's important because I feel like sometimes we convince
Speaker 1: ourselves that this is what we should do is push
Speaker 1: it away because it doesn't feel good. It's like, okay, well,
Speaker 1: if it doesn't feel good, then yes, I should push
Speaker 1: this away. Like it's not right. This person's not a
Speaker 1: right fit. This just no, there's no way, Like if
Speaker 1: it doesn't feel good to me, then no, but that's
Speaker 1: not true. Like we have to remind ourselves that in
Speaker 1: the moment, Like I was taught to not feel comfortable
Speaker 1: with intimacy and you know, being vulnerable and things like that.
Speaker 1: And instead of telling yourself, oh, I can't do this,
Speaker 1: this is not for me, and you can tell yourself,
Speaker 1: I'm exploring something new and it is okay to adjust.
Speaker 1: And I think this is very very important. You have
Speaker 1: to be so loving and so understanding and patient with
Speaker 1: the part of you that fears intimacy. You can't force
Speaker 1: yourself into it. And you also should not shame yourself
Speaker 1: for it, okay. And I think about the young version
Speaker 1: of me again, it's pretty silly and it's sad to
Speaker 1: be mad at myself when I see myself wanting to
Speaker 1: go in the pattern of pushing love away, because that's
Speaker 1: really just my young self never knowing how to feel
Speaker 1: safe with being vulnerable. You know, there's no reason I
Speaker 1: should be mad at myself. It's sad, Actually, it's very sad.
Speaker 1: And if I think about the young version of me
Speaker 1: that is going to learn to love again, right, learn
Speaker 1: to feel safe, then I'm going to need to give
Speaker 1: her some time. I'm going to need to really communicate
Speaker 1: also with the person that I'm with that this is
Speaker 1: kind of where I'm at. It's not about being like,
Speaker 1: here's the things that I've gone through and here's my
Speaker 1: traumas and here's my attachment style and you're gonna have
Speaker 1: to deal with it. No, we take accountability for what
Speaker 1: we carry into relationship, but it's communication in the form
Speaker 1: of taking accountability but being real and honest. And I
Speaker 1: really do believe the person that has meant for you
Speaker 1: is going to understand that, and they're going to see that,
Speaker 1: and they're going to be patient with you as long
Speaker 1: as you're patient with yourself and as long as you're
Speaker 1: loving with yourself. And Okay, guys, listen, this is the
Speaker 1: cutest thing I've ever read on Pinterest, and I feel
Speaker 1: like it actually fits very well with this I'm assuming
Speaker 1: it's some sort of poem from a book I don't
Speaker 1: really know where it's from, but it says this. Her
Speaker 1: walls were a lot taller than I am. I didn't
Speaker 1: climb them. I didn't knock them down, I didn't jump them.
Speaker 1: I didn't bang on them or yell out from the
Speaker 1: other side. I sat there at the foot of the
Speaker 1: tallest one. From there I spoke softly to her about
Speaker 1: anything and everything but the obvious the walls. We laughed
Speaker 1: a lot. We traded knowledge and conversations of mutual interest.
Speaker 1: We spoke about who hurt us, how, when, and why.
Speaker 1: We share a lot about who we were and who
Speaker 1: we desperately wanted to be. One day, every now and then,
Speaker 1: I looked up only to see her peeking over the
Speaker 1: wall with that smile of hers. One day, when she
Speaker 1: peeked over to smile and looked down, I was there
Speaker 1: at the top and we were face to face. She
Speaker 1: kissed me, and the walls crumbled. She tumbled towards the
Speaker 1: ground in love, where I stood with my feet firmly planted,
Speaker 1: only to feel my arms catch her. She was safe,
Speaker 1: she was mine, and I was hers. Okay, listen, is
Speaker 1: that not the cutest love story ever? I just can't. Okay,
Speaker 1: But listen, I want to kind of actually unpack that.
Speaker 1: So I actually want you to see how this should
Speaker 1: be first and foremost the relationship that you have towards yourself. Okay,
Speaker 1: so thinking about the part of you that has those
Speaker 1: walls up, that's super super afraid, you being your adult
Speaker 1: self now, your highest version of yourself, whatever you want
Speaker 1: to look at yourself like, right, the person that wants
Speaker 1: to work on this attachment style and wants to work
Speaker 1: on letting love in, You're gonna be that person. You're
Speaker 1: gonna be that guy that's waiting there, and you're not
Speaker 1: going to break. You're not going to bang down the walls.
Speaker 1: You're not going to rip them down. You're going to
Speaker 1: ask questions. You're going to be soft with yourself. You're
Speaker 1: going to understand, and you're going to give yourself time.
Speaker 1: You are going to do everything in baby steps. You're
Speaker 1: going to take action. And now I'm thinking about you
Speaker 1: being in an actual relationship with somebody who might be secure.
Speaker 1: You're going to give yourself grace and you're going to
Speaker 1: take baby steps. Maybe in the next week you could
Speaker 1: try to express, even if it's not the most perfect,
Speaker 1: flawless words, how you feel to this person doing things
Speaker 1: like that, but also having that relationship towards yourself, because again,
Speaker 1: the part of you that does fear intimacy, it's not
Speaker 1: going to feel safe enough to bring down these walls
Speaker 1: because it right now is still stuck in a consciousness
Speaker 1: from when you were young where it wasn't okay to
Speaker 1: let your walls down because Dad said so, or mom
Speaker 1: said so, or whoever taught you to it is said
Speaker 1: that it wasn't safe, and it's now your job as
Speaker 1: an adult to say, you know what, it's safe now.
Speaker 1: It wasn't safe back then, but it is safe now.
Speaker 1: So we're going to go on this journey together. And
Speaker 1: the the other side of the coin is I'm going
Speaker 1: to as your higher self, speaking to the part of
Speaker 1: you that is fearful, I'm going to make sure that
Speaker 1: I protect you, and we are only going to allow
Speaker 1: ourselves to open up to people who have the capacity
Speaker 1: to that are more secure, who in this poem, yes,
Speaker 1: has the room to sit here and to be patient
Speaker 1: with you and to understand you and to want to
Speaker 1: know you and to not want to just berate those
Speaker 1: walls and push past these things and go super fast
Speaker 1: and love bomb you and not take your time with
Speaker 1: things and not look at you like, you know, this
Speaker 1: precious flower. And if we're around somebody, if we're dating somebody,
Speaker 1: or if we're getting into these situationships with people who
Speaker 1: don't do that and who don't really value us like that,
Speaker 1: then we're not going to do that anymore. We're not
Speaker 1: going to put ourselves in these relationships. It's no wonder
Speaker 1: you are afraid half the time. It's no wonder that
Speaker 1: you don't feel safe. You know, there's a part of
Speaker 1: you that, yes, you need to work on when it
Speaker 1: comes to allowing your self to be more vulnerable. But
Speaker 1: then there is the second part where it's like, well,
Speaker 1: maybe you're just not around people who make you feel
Speaker 1: safe enough to open up, right, So it is to
Speaker 1: see in your own life, you know, where do you fall?
Speaker 1: Maybe both That was me. I was afraid and I
Speaker 1: didn't give myself a lot of love and compassion. I
Speaker 1: didn't look at myself like, oh, okay, you know, maybe
Speaker 1: I need a little bit more time to be more
Speaker 1: vulnerable and to open up. But on the second half,
Speaker 1: I was trying to push myself to be vulnerable with
Speaker 1: somebody who did not make me feel safe. Who would
Speaker 1: drop off the face of the earth girl, no wonder.
Speaker 1: So a prompt that you can journal on is what
Speaker 1: scares me the most about being fully seen and loved.
Speaker 1: And if I journal on that, for me, it's that
Speaker 1: you will push it away. You will reject it. I
Speaker 1: will get in trouble, it won't be received well. It
Speaker 1: will get taken away, it will get shut down. And
Speaker 1: as soon as I say those words out loud, those
Speaker 1: are just from my childhood, because that's exactly what happened.
Speaker 1: It was taken away, it was shut down and considered,
Speaker 1: it was rejected. And it is not to say that
Speaker 1: people in your adult life will never do that. But
Speaker 1: if you are wanting to be more secure and you're
Speaker 1: wanting to let love in, you need to see how
Speaker 1: these fears are just old fears. The person that you
Speaker 1: are meant to be with will not shut that down,
Speaker 1: will not take it for granted, will not go back
Speaker 1: and forth with it. But you need to care for
Speaker 1: yourself first, like that, Like that is the biggest thing.
Speaker 1: The way you want to be treated from somebody else
Speaker 1: is the way you need to start treating yourself first.
Speaker 1: You just stop looking for the guy or the girl
Speaker 1: or the person that's going to love you unconditionally and
Speaker 1: show up all the time. And this is that when
Speaker 1: you don't even do it for yourself, when you don't
Speaker 1: even look at yourself like you're worthy of love, that
Speaker 1: you're deserving, or that you show up for yourself, you're
Speaker 1: inconsistent with everything, even when it comes down to your
Speaker 1: habits or your life. You just don't take care of yourself.
Speaker 1: And it's not to say that you have to be
Speaker 1: perfect and you have to fully love yourself one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: And this that because I think that you learn how
Speaker 1: to love yourself through other people as well, but I
Speaker 1: do think a lot of it does start with you. Now.
Speaker 1: The last truth when it comes to not needing somebody
Speaker 1: to constantly validate you and for you to always feel
Speaker 1: happy based off of if somebody is going to be
Speaker 1: in your life or not. And this comes down to
Speaker 1: just being secure again. And a question that was asked
Speaker 1: is you really do need to learn how to validate
Speaker 1: yourself and self soothe because if you do not, you
Speaker 1: were not going to be securely attached. You're just not
Speaker 1: so two things that have helped me with this is
Speaker 1: one always reminding myself the right person for me will
Speaker 1: give me the attention and validation that I need. And listen,
Speaker 1: I'm saying this as somebody who thinks that it's very
Speaker 1: important to validate yourself and to give yourself attention. But
Speaker 1: it's okay to want validation and attention for somebody. Like,
Speaker 1: let's not pretend that that that's not what we want. Okay,
Speaker 1: that is totally fine. We need some love from other people,
Speaker 1: so we don't need to try and convince ourselves that
Speaker 1: we never need it. But when we're thinking about that
Speaker 1: need and not want, you've got to understand that the
Speaker 1: right person will give you all of that. Okay. So
Speaker 1: if you're trying to get that and you're working hard
Speaker 1: for that, that person is not for you. It's not
Speaker 1: the right person. Your future husband, your future girlfriend, your
Speaker 1: future wife, your future whoever will be that person that
Speaker 1: will give you all of that love. But you do
Speaker 1: need to learn to fall in love with your own
Speaker 1: life and yourself. And what I mean by that is
Speaker 1: one looking at yourself the way you want that partner
Speaker 1: of yours to look at you. You desperately want that
Speaker 1: person to compliment you and love you and see beauty
Speaker 1: in you and to value you and to see you
Speaker 1: as a gem and to take care of you and
Speaker 1: to support you. And this that you got to look
Speaker 1: at yourself like you are that gem. Then you do.
Speaker 1: Don't worry about this person over here, worry about yourself.
Speaker 1: Still having journal practices, saying it in the mirror, constantly
Speaker 1: speaking to yourself highly, No more self deprecation, no more
Speaker 1: picking on your flaws, accepting that you are imperfect and
Speaker 1: that is totally okay. And this also means looking at
Speaker 1: yourself as interesting. You know, you are very interesting. The
Speaker 1: work you do is beauty, is amazing. I want to
Speaker 1: know more. I care. You have to care about yourself
Speaker 1: and be interested in yourself, but also taking time for yourself.
Speaker 1: You know, do you have a routine? Are you taking
Speaker 1: care of your health and wellness? Are you working? Are
Speaker 1: you making money? Or do you have goals in your life?
Speaker 1: Do you have anything that you can do that's going
Speaker 1: to be like hobby, like you know, decompressing, Like what's
Speaker 1: your little routine? What's your rituals? Do you have friendships?
Speaker 1: Like these are very important things to help you stay grounded,
Speaker 1: to also build confidence within yourself, like you're gonna be
Speaker 1: the most confident version of you when you are taking
Speaker 1: care of yourself, and then you have that person that
Speaker 1: you can go to and you can spend time with
Speaker 1: and that you're in love with essentially. So I actually
Speaker 1: have two proms here that you can journal on. The
Speaker 1: first one is what are the three things about yourself
Speaker 1: and your life that makes you feel a whole without
Speaker 1: anyone's attention? And if this is hard for you to answer,
Speaker 1: then we got some work to do, baby. We don't
Speaker 1: got the work to be trying to find somebody else
Speaker 1: over here to make us love our lives. That's not
Speaker 1: gonna do it. I promise you that, and I want
Speaker 1: you to think about it like this. Wouldn't it feel
Speaker 1: so nice for you to be so happy with yourself
Speaker 1: throughout your day and then look forward to seeing your
Speaker 1: partner and experiencing life and you being your best version
Speaker 1: of yourself while you're together, Like I think about you, know,
Speaker 1: when I'm feeling healthy and I'm feeling fit, and I'm
Speaker 1: feeling like my mood is good and my like my
Speaker 1: sleep is good, and I'm feeling myself and I'm happy
Speaker 1: and I got all my work done, and then I'm
Speaker 1: spending time with my partner I have such a better
Speaker 1: experience Versus if I'm depleted and I didn't take care
Speaker 1: of myself, I'm going to be like anxious with my partner.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be you know, like maybe even second
Speaker 1: guessing myself or you know, not feeling confident within myself.
Speaker 1: But also when it's time to leave that person, I
Speaker 1: get to come home to my space, to my life
Speaker 1: that I love. I'm not dreading it. I'm not depressed
Speaker 1: because I'm just waiting for the next time that I
Speaker 1: see this person. Don't you want to live a full
Speaker 1: life like that? That is how we should be living
Speaker 1: our lives. And then the last prompt is, if you
Speaker 1: were your own muse, how would you describe yourself? Write
Speaker 1: a love letter to your own essence? And this is
Speaker 1: a practice that you can do damn near every single day,
Speaker 1: and it's very important. And I do this a lot.
Speaker 1: I work on my self concept. I write love letters
Speaker 1: to myself, you know, just pouring into myself and seeing
Speaker 1: myself through the lens of other people, but also to
Speaker 1: myself and reminding myself of the amazingness that I am.
Speaker 1: Because if you don't, you'll forget. You'll forget because you
Speaker 1: have programming for years and years and years and years
Speaker 1: of the opposite of you're not good enough. It doesn't
Speaker 1: matter what you do, You're not worthy. You need to
Speaker 1: work hard for love. It's not going to be this easy.
Speaker 1: You can't it can't possibly be this easy. This that
Speaker 1: that is bullshit that we do not need to bring
Speaker 1: into our love life now. But it is going to
Speaker 1: be up to us to reprogram those thoughts and those beliefs.
Speaker 1: And you can do it through journaling, you can do
Speaker 1: it through meditations. You can do it through listening to
Speaker 1: people who have good beliefs, like let's stop also going
Speaker 1: on the internet and listening to people's few negative beliefs
Speaker 1: about men or women. Let's stop doing it. I promise
Speaker 1: you it changed my life for the better when I
Speaker 1: stopped feeding into the narratives that are online. And I
Speaker 1: understand that these are real life things that are happening,
Speaker 1: but it's not the entirety of this generation. I promise
Speaker 1: you that I have so many friends who are in secure, beautiful,
Speaker 1: loving relationships or marriages. They exist, but you have to
Speaker 1: seek those out, and you have to stop seeking out
Speaker 1: the things that remind you of your past to try
Speaker 1: and prove to you. Yep. See, this is life, this
Speaker 1: is what you get, this is what this is how
Speaker 1: men are, and this is what women are. And no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: we're not gonna do that. And we're not gonna do
Speaker 1: that because at the end of the day, we want love. Okay,
Speaker 1: You're going to keep trying to get it, Okay, so
Speaker 1: we might as well work on this now. So with
Speaker 1: that said, when I'm thinking about the energetic forecast for
Speaker 1: the next week in my personal life, when it comes
Speaker 1: to this, definitely the fear of intimacy parts is something
Speaker 1: that I am exploring. I'm really stopping myself and seeing
Speaker 1: when I feel this urge to push this person away
Speaker 1: and just I don't know and close off. I give
Speaker 1: myself a moment to reflect and understand that it's okay
Speaker 1: that I'm feeling like this. It's it's you know, I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna shame myself and get mad at myself for
Speaker 1: being like this and being like, you should be better,
Speaker 1: you should be secure, you should just say how you
Speaker 1: feel and you know, be vulnerable. No, I understand why
Speaker 1: I'm not. But also, is there one micro move or
Speaker 1: micro decision or micro even thoughts, but ideally action that
Speaker 1: I can make in this week that allows me to
Speaker 1: take one step closer to being a little bit more
Speaker 1: vulnerable by expressing one thing that I really want to say,
Speaker 1: but I'm scared because I think that it's cringing and
Speaker 1: I don't know if I should say it and that
Speaker 1: it's okay to say it. And the person that is
Speaker 1: meant for you, they're going to receive that beautifully and
Speaker 1: they're gonna want that. And in my experience, honestly, guys,
Speaker 1: people want more of you. People want that side of
Speaker 1: you that's vulnerable. People love it. People are desperate for it.
Speaker 1: And I know it feels very awkward and scary and
Speaker 1: ichy sometimes, but for the the most part, when I
Speaker 1: have allowed myself to be more vulnerable, usually the response
Speaker 1: is I love it. I want more of it, and
Speaker 1: that's beautiful. And if you don't get that, you know what,
Speaker 1: maybe that person is not for you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1: But at least you allowed yourself to be vulnerable. At
Speaker 1: least you allowed yourself or your inner child to finally
Speaker 1: get out of that shell, you know, get out of
Speaker 1: that box that they've been in for so long. And
Speaker 1: I think the best thing that you can do for yourself, though,
Speaker 1: being that you know protector part of you, that adult
Speaker 1: version of you, that big sister energy, is to be
Speaker 1: very selective with who you are giving your inner child's
Speaker 1: heart too. In this life, Okay, it is very vulnerable,
Speaker 1: it is very precious, and it deserves more than what
Speaker 1: maybe your parents or the people around you gave you
Speaker 1: and held it in. You know, they didn't do the
Speaker 1: best job at holding it. And although I'm sure our caregivers,
Speaker 1: our parents did the best they did with what they have.
Speaker 1: That's how I look at it. My dad, my mom,
Speaker 1: they tried to hold it as much as they could,
Speaker 1: and in a lot of ways they did also, you know,
Speaker 1: especially my mom, as much as she wasn't able to
Speaker 1: hold it and protect it as much as I deserved,
Speaker 1: she unconditionally loved me and she accepted me. And I
Speaker 1: take that with me and I just allow that to
Speaker 1: expand me into relationships and I leave all the rest
Speaker 1: of the shit behind. You know, I'm not going to
Speaker 1: continue living life mad at the world. I'm not because
Speaker 1: that's not what I deserve and that's not what you
Speaker 1: guys deserve as well. So with that said, I hope
Speaker 1: you guys enjoyed this episode if you're watching on YouTube,
Speaker 1: I really just wanted to give you, guys a little
Speaker 1: bit of THEO. He is sleeping so much today, and yeah,
Speaker 1: he's very secure for the most part. Joking. He's a
Speaker 1: little bit of an anxious boy when I leave, but
Speaker 1: it's fine. I always try and teach him that I'm
Speaker 1: not always try. I'm teaching him right now that I
Speaker 1: will always come back. Okay, I'm gonna leave, and you're
Speaker 1: gonna be sad that I'm going, but you am speaking
Speaker 1: to you. At this point. You're going to learn that
Speaker 1: it's okay to be by yourself and you have your
Speaker 1: toys and you have everything that you need and you
Speaker 1: can eat your food and I'll be right back, and
Speaker 1: then I'll always be back and it will be great
Speaker 1: and I'll give you a treat. So it takes time
Speaker 1: to learn how to be secure. So if you're like THEO,
Speaker 1: don't worry. You will get there. Anyways. I'll see you,
Speaker 1: guys and the next one. Bye.