1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,799 Speaker 1: Hi everyone, I'm Stephanie Wilder Taylor and this is Drunkish 2 00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:07,879 the podcast. But you knew that the goal of this 3 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:12,800 podcast is to have fun conversations about sobriety without preaching, 4 00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:17,039 just real. Please go rate and review if you have 5 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:21,199 a minute or five today. I'm really excited. I have 6 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:25,760 a comedian, Zach Noe Towers. He has a special on 7 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,640 YouTube called Twink Death, which is really funny. He's on 8 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:34,280 Jeff Lewis's radio show once a week. He tours all 9 00:00:34,359 --> 00:00:38,000 over the place. He opens for huge, big name comedians. 10 00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:42,000 But most importantly, he is here and we got into. 11 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,240 Speaker 2: It, all of it. So let's go. 12 00:01:00,719 --> 00:01:05,200 Speaker 1: Hey, Zach, welcome to Drunkish. I'm so happy that you 13 00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:07,400 agreed to do this. You're so funny. 14 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: Oh my god, thank you. 15 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 3: What a great starts a little compliment my way. 16 00:01:11,719 --> 00:01:11,879 Speaker 1: Yeah. 17 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:16,040 Speaker 3: I saw Rosebud did the pod and any I'm a 18 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,239 follower of Rosebud to the ends of the earth, so 19 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,000 I'm like, you know, if she's if she's in the 20 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,439 Stephanie Crewe, get me in there too. 21 00:01:23,599 --> 00:01:28,040 Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah, Rosebud. Rosebud gave me a blurb for 22 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:31,359 my book, for my memoir about getting sober drunk mush. 23 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:34,359 Speaker 2: Yeah, god, wait, how is the book? Is the book out? 24 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,079 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's been out for a couple of years. 25 00:01:36,159 --> 00:01:36,599 Speaker 2: Oh my god. 26 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,079 Speaker 3: Okay, I'll have to I will look for it because 27 00:01:39,079 --> 00:01:44,760 I love reading about people. I love reading memoirs especially, 28 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,480 but like for it to be like a sober thing, 29 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:48,920 like that's exciting. 30 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,239 Speaker 1: I tried to be one of the few people that 31 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:55,560 was writing a memoir about getting sober about you know 32 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,000 what can be a dark topic, as you know, but 33 00:01:59,359 --> 00:02:02,159 with joke, yep, why do we have to be so 34 00:02:02,239 --> 00:02:03,079 fucking serious? 35 00:02:03,239 --> 00:02:08,560 Speaker 3: I mean, I have found that because alcoholics and drug 36 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,840 addicts have seen the worst of human nature and their 37 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:16,879 human nature like oftentimes like they are the best, like crowd, 38 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:18,879 like not saying a crowd, Like I speak at recovery 39 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:22,639 meetings and like I tell dark ass jokes about like 40 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,000 almost having died or whatever, and they can laugh because 41 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,240 they're like same girl, same girl plus worse, you know. 42 00:02:31,599 --> 00:02:35,919 Speaker 1: Right exactly. So I did the math based on your 43 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:39,400 social media and I'm I'm you have over like ten 44 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,280 over ten and a half years of sobriety. 45 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,919 Speaker 3: I have definitely over ten. Oh maybe it is still 46 00:02:44,919 --> 00:02:48,199 over ten and a half by sobriety. It's like November, Yes, 47 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,400 November twenty seventh, twenty seventh, twenty fifteen. 48 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,080 Speaker 2: Wow, Okay, I did my research. 49 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,039 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're a little you're an internet stocker girl who 50 00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:58,520 can like be like I met a guy in a 51 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,960 red shirt at Trader Joe's and you're like, I'll find him. 52 00:03:03,479 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: Well, you made a post about somehow I saw a 53 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,520 post about you, you know, your sobriety date, and I 54 00:03:09,599 --> 00:03:14,919 read the post and it was from last year where 55 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:18,560 you were talking about how your sobriety date is even 56 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,919 bigger to you than your birthday. And I really related 57 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:21,240 to that. 58 00:03:22,879 --> 00:03:25,360 Speaker 3: Is your birthday? How long have you been sober? If 59 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:31,280 I might ask, seventeen? Wow? Oh yeah, okay, and then 60 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,759 when your belly button birthday July fifth, coming up, Oh 61 00:03:34,759 --> 00:03:38,919 my gosh, okay, okay, So I'm that's exciting. Actually, I 62 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,560 like it the way I have it because my my 63 00:03:40,759 --> 00:03:43,719 natal birthday is like six weeks before my sober birthday, 64 00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:46,080 So the natal birthday feels like a wind up and 65 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,319 I'm like, oh my god, my sober birthday's coming up, 66 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,840 like let's go. But yeah, it's like we had very 67 00:03:51,879 --> 00:03:54,240 little to do with our birth dates. Like our natal 68 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:57,960 birth dates, but like my sobriety date is something I 69 00:03:58,039 --> 00:04:01,560 hold on to with pride especially. I don't know how 70 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:04,479 you ful phil A felt hitting the ten year mark, 71 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,599 but it did feel like, oh, this is real, Like 72 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,680 this is actually like a portion of my life. You know. 73 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: Yeah, I really agree with that. When I first got 74 00:04:16,199 --> 00:04:18,560 sober and I want to hear about yours, I just 75 00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:23,240 remember thinking like ten years seemed absolutely insane, like sane. 76 00:04:23,639 --> 00:04:25,720 I would have to be very old when I got 77 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,480 to be ten years sober. To me, I remember being 78 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,879 eleven days sober and meeting somebody, a guy who had 79 00:04:31,959 --> 00:04:35,399 nine months, and I was like, whoa, how does that 80 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,360 even crazy? Nine months? 81 00:04:38,439 --> 00:04:42,560 Speaker 2: That's insane, bonkers a baby. I could have had a baby. 82 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,079 Speaker 3: I could have made a human being in the time 83 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:47,439 you have not put a drink to your lips. I 84 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,240 am one of those people too, who like, I don't 85 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,240 know why because now thinking of this sentence, it really 86 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,879 doesn't make sense to me. But I'm one of those 87 00:04:55,879 --> 00:05:00,199 people who heard the phrase you never have to rink 88 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:04,800 or use again, and it changed my brain chemistry. 89 00:05:05,079 --> 00:05:06,079 Speaker 2: I had never. 90 00:05:07,399 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 3: Thought that that was on the table, Like I was 91 00:05:11,199 --> 00:05:15,480 so drinking and Drugging was like so part of my lifestyle, 92 00:05:15,759 --> 00:05:18,079 and it was so part of everyone I hung out 93 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:22,639 with lifestyle that to me, we were the cool kids. 94 00:05:22,959 --> 00:05:26,399 We were living life, we were doing it, and like 95 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,680 alcohol and drugs were just one of the many benefits, 96 00:05:30,759 --> 00:05:32,759 you know, Like to me, it felt like, oh, I'm 97 00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:36,399 about to lose like a badge of honor. Like I like, 98 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,360 it didn't make sense. And then when someone's like, you 99 00:05:38,399 --> 00:05:40,120 never have to drink or do drugs again, I was like, 100 00:05:40,879 --> 00:05:41,600 that's crazy. 101 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,439 Speaker 1: That's where were you doing stand up when you got sober? 102 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:49,439 Speaker 3: Yeah, I was probably not well because I've been doing 103 00:05:49,519 --> 00:05:51,959 zena like fifteen years and I've been sober ten So 104 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,399 the first five were very much me like, you know, 105 00:05:54,439 --> 00:05:57,040 a shot before my set, a beer during my set, 106 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,279 sometimes more if there was a green room with like 107 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,000 high qual alcohol. I was hitting it hard. I definitely 108 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:06,000 remember going up on stage and being very drunk, but like. 109 00:06:06,279 --> 00:06:07,319 Speaker 2: Always skating by. 110 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,040 Speaker 3: Like people were rebooking me, probably because I was like 111 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,439 a twenty six year old gay slut and like they 112 00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:15,519 were like he was fun, Like he was unhinged, but 113 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,639 he was fun. And yeah, so I definitely like I 114 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,839 used to think that drugs and alcohol made me like 115 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,279 calm in my body and like more in tune with 116 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:29,639 the room. Little did I know it was absolutely doing 117 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:32,439 the opposite. It was putting up a wall between me 118 00:06:32,519 --> 00:06:35,040 and the room. It was me on my journey, them 119 00:06:35,079 --> 00:06:38,399 on theirs. And so when I got sober, it was 120 00:06:38,519 --> 00:06:40,839 very uncomfortable being on stage at first. But then I 121 00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:43,759 was like, oh, I'm picking up on this girl's side 122 00:06:43,759 --> 00:06:46,240 eye when I say this one thing, and so I 123 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:47,480 get to zoom in on her. 124 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,720 Speaker 2: But it never even noticed there was a girl sitting 125 00:06:49,759 --> 00:06:50,399 in that chair. 126 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:54,480 Speaker 1: When I was drunk, you know, yeah, yeah, It's funny 127 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,680 because I had this a similar I mean, I did 128 00:06:56,759 --> 00:06:59,879 stand up for a lot of years and I loved 129 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,639 I had it down to a science. I was like, 130 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:04,959 I have one drink for you know. At some point 131 00:07:04,959 --> 00:07:06,920 it was a glass of wine and a half a Xanax, 132 00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,040 and I was like, that puts me in my body, calm, 133 00:07:11,199 --> 00:07:14,160 able to do, able to quiet some of the voices 134 00:07:14,199 --> 00:07:15,680 that are like I don't know how the set's going 135 00:07:15,759 --> 00:07:17,480 to go. I don't know how this audience. I was like, 136 00:07:17,519 --> 00:07:21,240 it's cool, it's cool whatever it happens, even if I bomb. 137 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,000 But of course sometimes I would miss that mark and 138 00:07:25,079 --> 00:07:27,399 have like two glasses of wine and then be And 139 00:07:27,439 --> 00:07:30,120 then sometimes I got the feedback that I was a 140 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:35,120 little big ess or a little slurry or a little whatever. Yeah, 141 00:07:35,199 --> 00:07:38,480 but that first time doing stand up without anything was like, 142 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:40,000 uh oh yeah. 143 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,480 Speaker 3: Actually, one of the first times I did stand up 144 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:47,399 after getting sober new sobriety was it was the first 145 00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:50,759 like I was part of a pilot episode of an 146 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:56,199 MTV show about this show called Brewhaha, which was a 147 00:07:56,279 --> 00:07:58,560 very popular show on the East Side. It was in 148 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,319 the backyard of this like house in in Los Felis. 149 00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,240 They had like free beer and it was a drinking 150 00:08:05,279 --> 00:08:08,600 game and the comics didn't know the rules, so like 151 00:08:08,759 --> 00:08:11,800 you were unknowingly breaking rules. The audience were like, oh, 152 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,480 drinking and stuff. So I got booked as one of 153 00:08:14,519 --> 00:08:17,680 the comics on the pilot episode for MTV's version of this, 154 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,439 and I was like, I can't drink, and they were like, Okay, 155 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,360 we'll put you up first, and we'll have someone drink 156 00:08:24,399 --> 00:08:27,639 before instead of you. We shot this pilot in San Diego. 157 00:08:27,959 --> 00:08:31,560 It was outdoors at a brewery or like a beer 158 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,919 garden for nine in front of nine hundred people. And 159 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:39,639 I was shaking, like I was so scared. I didn't 160 00:08:39,679 --> 00:08:43,080 have my tool to be comfortable. I didn't know how 161 00:08:43,159 --> 00:08:45,159 the crowd was going to react. I made a joke 162 00:08:45,159 --> 00:08:47,039 about being sober and how I'm a loser for it 163 00:08:47,159 --> 00:08:49,320 or whatever. That went over well, and it wounded being 164 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,840 a great set And it's just like it. Yeah, so 165 00:08:52,879 --> 00:08:55,919 the first time on stage is just like it's so different. 166 00:08:57,679 --> 00:09:03,279 Speaker 1: So it sounds like you loved drinking and using and 167 00:09:03,519 --> 00:09:05,600 thought it was part of your identity. So can you 168 00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,720 tell me what led to you quitting. 169 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,279 Speaker 2: Yeah, I did think it was part of my identity. 170 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:11,919 Speaker 3: I'm definitely one of those people who like when I 171 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,960 was young, I saw my like my male family members 172 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,519 like uh uncles and people like that, they were like 173 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,120 Irish Catholic. When they got a little loose, like after 174 00:09:22,159 --> 00:09:24,360 a couple like brown liquors and stuff, they got a 175 00:09:24,399 --> 00:09:26,240 little bit more friendly, a little bit more fun, a 176 00:09:26,279 --> 00:09:29,159 little bit less threatening, and like the fact that I 177 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,679 couldn't have it made me want it even more. So, 178 00:09:31,759 --> 00:09:34,399 like alcohol is very much like this, Like okay, it's 179 00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:38,960 like fun, it's silly, it's off limits in movies and TV. 180 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,840 It's sexy, you know, So like when I had my 181 00:09:42,919 --> 00:09:46,919 first drink in high school, like my first drunk rather 182 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,679 and then, like you said earlier, the voices quieted, like 183 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:53,039 being a scared, you know, gay kid in the Midwest, 184 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,360 Like I was so on edge the whole time, and 185 00:09:55,399 --> 00:09:56,960 that went away, and. 186 00:09:56,879 --> 00:09:58,840 Speaker 2: It really did drop my shoulders down. 187 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:01,879 Speaker 3: It it gave me the courage to like go to 188 00:10:01,919 --> 00:10:05,399 the parties, to talk to the boys, to be silly. 189 00:10:05,799 --> 00:10:07,960 I thought it made me funnier. It just it was 190 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,759 like it was magic. My drinking also follows that path magic, medicine, misery, 191 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:17,639 and like it was in magic that those first I 192 00:10:17,639 --> 00:10:21,919 don't know, five to ten years, you know, and then 193 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,440 it was like, oh, I need this to go into 194 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:26,840 the bar because I feel uncomfortable in my own skin 195 00:10:26,879 --> 00:10:29,200 and my body's adjusted to this and now this is 196 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:33,600 the new normal. But it happened slowly, right like as 197 00:10:33,639 --> 00:10:35,480 someone said, like I don't know. 198 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:36,480 Speaker 2: Why I'm an alcoholic. 199 00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:40,200 Speaker 3: I it must be that at some point I drank 200 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:43,559 too much too often. And I do think about that, 201 00:10:43,639 --> 00:10:47,000 like how like our lives are so delicately on the 202 00:10:47,039 --> 00:10:49,720 path that they're on. And it's like maybe if I 203 00:10:49,759 --> 00:10:51,759 had had like a near death experience and when I 204 00:10:51,799 --> 00:10:54,799 was in high school driving around drunk, I may have 205 00:10:54,879 --> 00:10:58,080 been scared straight, but like that didn't happen. I was 206 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,399 like touched by an angel until the day I got sober, like. 207 00:11:01,799 --> 00:11:04,000 Speaker 2: I should be dead. 208 00:11:04,279 --> 00:11:07,840 Speaker 3: I'm sure you maybe feel the same, like several times over, 209 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,720 like rationally speaking, I should not be alive, and like 210 00:11:12,399 --> 00:11:15,759 it just became part of my lifestyle because there were 211 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:23,480 no massive consequences. I'm realizing now the longer I stay sober, 212 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:30,039 the consequence was missing out on a lot of potential 213 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,799 for how I could have been living my life. I 214 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,840 know we don't regret the past or which to shut 215 00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:36,879 the door on it, but I think about how greatly 216 00:11:36,919 --> 00:11:39,320 my life is improved in ten years, and how it's 217 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,799 aligning with the hopes and dreams of little Zach, the 218 00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:45,759 version of me that had never experienced drugs and alcohol 219 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,440 and just had these kind of like pure dreams. Like 220 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,639 I think the consequence wasn't losing my leg in a 221 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:57,120 motorcycle accident or killing a family on the highway. It 222 00:11:57,399 --> 00:12:01,919 was bearing so far off path that I had to 223 00:12:02,039 --> 00:12:03,159 claw my way back. 224 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:07,600 Speaker 2: And like that's still I've got off pretty easy, you know. 225 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,919 Speaker 3: And and I will say now like, I am deeply 226 00:12:11,039 --> 00:12:16,360 grateful for being an alcoholic because it's led me to recovery. 227 00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:19,279 It's led me to rooms of recovery, it's led me 228 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:24,759 to so many of my best, purest relationships, and like 229 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,279 it's given me God, which I grew up Catholic. I 230 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:31,759 never had a God, like I was so vehemently against 231 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,679 anything that sounded like God or you know, had a 232 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:39,720 mouthpiece for God. And like, yes, it's been a bumpy road, 233 00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:43,279 but like, damn, things have been good for a bit now, 234 00:12:43,639 --> 00:12:46,639 and I think they're going to keep getting better. 235 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:50,240 Speaker 1: I want to go back to you were saying growing 236 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,679 up as a gay kid in the Midwest, I feel 237 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,679 like a lot of us. I'll say, I'm not gay, 238 00:12:57,799 --> 00:13:02,240 but I have other things, you know, other childhood trauma 239 00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:05,159 stuff that I feel like when I drank, it just 240 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:10,039 made me feel less different, less like people were going 241 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:14,399 to figure out that I am not lovable whenever that 242 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,960 thing is. And then if you start at a young 243 00:13:17,039 --> 00:13:19,480 enough age because I was fourteen when I started drinking, 244 00:13:20,519 --> 00:13:23,279 and you don't have consequences, which I also didn't really 245 00:13:23,279 --> 00:13:27,559 have in high school except horrible hangovers, you know, waking 246 00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:30,639 up with regret, but also everybody. All my other friends 247 00:13:30,639 --> 00:13:35,080 were doing it too. So it took me until I 248 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,279 was forty two to get sober, just because of what 249 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,960 you're saying, just no real consequences. And for so long 250 00:13:41,039 --> 00:13:44,600 I felt like, well, this helps me, this helps me 251 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,559 be braver. This you know, the first time I did 252 00:13:47,639 --> 00:13:50,159 stand up, had I have like six rum and cokes 253 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,120 an open mic night. There's no way I could have 254 00:13:53,159 --> 00:13:55,759 done that, No way. I was so scared. Right, So 255 00:13:56,840 --> 00:14:00,240 for a long time, it's a tool, right to feel good. 256 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,279 And maybe maybe I don't know, if you were out 257 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,279 in high school, I'd love to know, like what that 258 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,960 was like, was that was did you need the alcohol 259 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:08,240 for that? 260 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,360 Speaker 3: You know, I had a soft coming out at sixteen, 261 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:13,480 I was obviously gay. 262 00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:15,240 Speaker 2: Like looking back, I was obviously gay. 263 00:14:15,279 --> 00:14:19,039 Speaker 3: I literally took ballet and stuff like that, and like, I, oh, 264 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:21,000 this is crazy you. I haven't had long hair since 265 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,919 like high school, and so I had like long, swishy hair, 266 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:27,080 and I like dressed cute and like, but I didn't 267 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:28,240 get bullied really badly. 268 00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 2: It was like. 269 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,639 Speaker 3: Underclassmen who didn't know who I was might like toss 270 00:14:31,679 --> 00:14:35,080 a f slur at me occasionally, but like I started 271 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,879 the gay story alliance in my high school as a 272 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,879 straight person, Like it was like not as bad as 273 00:14:39,919 --> 00:14:42,279 other kids had it, like because I'm from Saint Louis, Missouri, 274 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:47,919 not like rural Missouri. But it's like it's in in 275 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,080 some it's tool. It was a tool, and I think 276 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,559 about how it was kind of like a like a one, 277 00:14:55,879 --> 00:14:59,279 one size fits all tool, like because I don't know 278 00:14:59,279 --> 00:15:01,559 about you, like I didn't grow up with like therapy 279 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,440 really on the table. I think I went to see 280 00:15:03,679 --> 00:15:06,679 a child therapist when my parents got divorced for like 281 00:15:06,799 --> 00:15:08,879 one and a half sessions, you know, like but it 282 00:15:08,919 --> 00:15:10,480 felt very foreign, felt very weird. 283 00:15:10,759 --> 00:15:12,919 Speaker 2: My parents weren't really about mental health. 284 00:15:12,919 --> 00:15:15,039 Speaker 3: But because it wasn't a thing in the nineties, I 285 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:18,799 don't think to really like dive into okay, like how 286 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,200 are you coping with this one bully or like how 287 00:15:22,279 --> 00:15:25,639 are you feeling about being out at school? Like it 288 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:28,960 was like good luck, kid, you know. And so drugs 289 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:34,759 and alcohol were the tool. It's like you know, taking 290 00:15:34,879 --> 00:15:39,960 aspirin for fever aches, body pain, you know, headache, not 291 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,759 is this just like okay, this is this is it? 292 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,600 Speaker 2: You know, I'll just do more of it or less 293 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,600 of it and. 294 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,559 Speaker 3: Yeah, and that and that's the point where it was 295 00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,960 magic because I was like, oh, and I look cool 296 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,159 when I'm doing it, like I'm a rebel. I'm like 297 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,279 a bad kid, Like I'm straying away from like the 298 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:01,360 young life Christian friends, like I'm going to go drink 299 00:16:01,399 --> 00:16:02,919 with my musical theater friends. 300 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:03,159 Speaker 1: You know. 301 00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,240 Speaker 3: It's like smoke a cigarette and not inhale it and everything, 302 00:16:06,279 --> 00:16:10,799 and like it like led to community, like being this 303 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:14,120 is the other funny thing, Like drunks really do show 304 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,519 up for you, like show up for other drunks like 305 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:20,039 they will. They will puke and rally, they will cover 306 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,200 for you at work. They will like because they know 307 00:16:23,799 --> 00:16:27,200 what that life is like. You know, I wouldn't trade 308 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:31,279 them for my support system now. But like it is, 309 00:16:31,399 --> 00:16:35,360 it is a community alcoholism. There is a community there, 310 00:16:35,799 --> 00:16:38,639 and I think it just gets to the point where 311 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:46,399 those hangovers last longer, the emotional hangovers last longer. You know, 312 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:51,759 people are maybe drinking less than the people used to 313 00:16:51,799 --> 00:16:52,960 in college or whatever. 314 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,480 Speaker 2: You know what I mean, Like your community kind of 315 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:56,480 thins out. 316 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:00,000 Speaker 3: And I did forget how we got to me saying that, 317 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,639 But you said something about what was like being gay 318 00:17:02,639 --> 00:17:06,400 in high school, I think to just piggyback on your word, 319 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,880 are you bringing up tools? It was alcohol was the tool. 320 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:14,519 It made me feel calm, It made me feel funny, 321 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:17,960 it made me feel sexy. All my first sexual experiences 322 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,759 were with drunk, straight guys. You know, in the end 323 00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:23,359 of high school being into college. College is when I 324 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,200 officially like came out and there was like a big 325 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,720 community and it was very I've made friends very quickly 326 00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:30,839 and blah blah blah. But yeah, in high school it 327 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,519 was the year was in the driver's seat and alcohol 328 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,079 was the thing that could like rip it out, rip 329 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:39,240 the steering wheel out of fear's hands. 330 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: And the thing about drinking is that, like, let's say 331 00:17:42,519 --> 00:17:46,440 you go to college, you're meeting lots of other gay people, 332 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,039 but yet you still have to use the alcohol cause 333 00:17:51,039 --> 00:17:53,079 there's you don't just go like, oh, I guess I 334 00:17:53,079 --> 00:17:56,839 don't need this anymore. It was cool Now, No, you 335 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,519 just use it more. That's the thing. It's progressive, as 336 00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:04,039 we know. But like for me, I kept thinking, well, 337 00:18:04,079 --> 00:18:06,799 once I'm not stressed out about whatever the thing is 338 00:18:06,839 --> 00:18:10,200 that's happening in my life, then I'll naturally drink less 339 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:14,960 every single time. It just got it just escalated whatever 340 00:18:15,039 --> 00:18:17,559 the until the next thing happened. You know, there was 341 00:18:17,599 --> 00:18:20,440 a period of time where I wasn't drinking as much 342 00:18:20,519 --> 00:18:22,880 when I was younger, but that's because I was then 343 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,559 in like an eating disorder. Sure, but like I look 344 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:27,319 back and I go, oh, so you were just doing 345 00:18:27,319 --> 00:18:27,920 something else. 346 00:18:28,799 --> 00:18:30,680 Speaker 3: Well, and this is like the whack a mole of 347 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,359 it all all and it's something I'm still experiencing ten 348 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:37,319 years sober. I catch myself in these like food blackouts 349 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:42,440 where I'm just eating. I actually do not feel good 350 00:18:42,559 --> 00:18:45,559 in my stomach, but the pizza is still there, the 351 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,839 ranch is still there. My mind goes into the fuckets 352 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:52,079 category and then I'm like, Okay, well I did that. 353 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,279 Let's also do a brownie Sunday. Oh I don't have brownies. 354 00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:58,359 I'll find myself walking to seven eleven to get brownies 355 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,759 and ice create. It's like that, like disease still wants 356 00:19:01,799 --> 00:19:06,720 me dead. It still wants me like exhausted by carnal pleasures, 357 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:11,119 and it wants me distracted, and it still wants me 358 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,319 to be Like, you're not comfortable. I know it would 359 00:19:13,359 --> 00:19:16,039 make you comfortable for a little bit. What if we 360 00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:21,119 lose ourselves in dominoes and it's just yeah, it's so 361 00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:24,680 it's so interesting because in that way, it's like, wow, 362 00:19:24,759 --> 00:19:27,400 I guess it'll never end. But that's why I thank 363 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:32,160 God for sobriety. I'm I'm picking up tools still, like 364 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,720 I don't know about you. I don't drink that much water, 365 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:39,000 and like I know that water will make my life better, 366 00:19:39,799 --> 00:19:43,480 I resist it. I'm like, hmm, diet coat, m my 367 00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:46,720 Celsius the Red Bull. Maybe that'll give you a little tingle, 368 00:19:47,039 --> 00:19:50,119 you know. And uh so it's just like this thing 369 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:55,240 of oh, I'm gonna be playing this game seven trash can, 370 00:19:55,440 --> 00:20:00,079 six lids maybe till I die. But like, hopefully I 371 00:20:00,119 --> 00:20:04,559 stay in my recovery program. I stay surrounded by winners. 372 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:11,720 I give myself more evidence that eating salad is more 373 00:20:12,119 --> 00:20:16,440 satisfying than eating fries like that, and so I'm using 374 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,880 foods of it. I'm so sorry you just eating disorder, 375 00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,279 and I think I like latched onto it. But it's like, 376 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:28,440 you know, cake cash Hawk, cake cash cock, Like I'm like, 377 00:20:28,559 --> 00:20:30,759 those are my my things. I'm like, well, is there 378 00:20:30,759 --> 00:20:33,079 a boy who likes me? No, you're less than you're 379 00:20:33,279 --> 00:20:36,200 you're pitiful, you're ugly, you're evil, you know, loose some 380 00:20:36,279 --> 00:20:39,039 white batty, you know, like and then it's like, oh, 381 00:20:39,079 --> 00:20:41,359 this isn't working. Maybe I'll eat the whole cake that 382 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,880 my friend left here after her birthday. You know, it's 383 00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,880 just like our brains. 384 00:20:47,759 --> 00:20:50,960 Speaker 1: My daughter brought home a like a half a cake, 385 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:56,160 and yeah, I'm with seventeen years sober. My daughter brought 386 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,240 home half a cake from something. She was like, I 387 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,720 had like one one piece of it thing, but they didn't. 388 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:02,599 They were going on a trip the next day. So 389 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,440 she brought it home and it sat on our stove 390 00:21:04,839 --> 00:21:07,759 and I just kept going back to it and opening 391 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,480 it up and like I'm just gonna have one bite. 392 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,279 And then I'd be like I'm just gonna have a slipper. 393 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,759 I'm just gonna have one piece of it, and couldn't 394 00:21:13,759 --> 00:21:14,720 stop until it was gone. 395 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, you're like, let's get well, let's get the fuck 396 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,839 out of here. Let's just eat it. 397 00:21:19,039 --> 00:21:19,720 Speaker 2: Is it in my head? 398 00:21:19,759 --> 00:21:23,599 Speaker 3: I'm like, well, one bad night is better than three 399 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,440 bad days. And like I'm not gonna throw it in 400 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,720 the trash can, like I know, might he's Dizzy's well 401 00:21:28,839 --> 00:21:31,079 enough for that. I'm like, okay, let's talk about this 402 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:33,319 because it's you're right, I'm not gonna spray it with 403 00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:36,079 wind decks, Like I'm not gonna do it. I'm also 404 00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,759 probably not gonna ask a friend to come over and 405 00:21:37,759 --> 00:21:40,839 help me. So it's just like my best solution is 406 00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:45,039 like scarf it now, Oh, go to bed, wake up, 407 00:21:45,599 --> 00:21:47,319 brand new day, start over. 408 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,160 Speaker 2: But if that funny too, because it's like. 409 00:21:50,799 --> 00:21:56,480 Speaker 3: We could have had a sliver for five days in theory, 410 00:21:57,119 --> 00:21:59,640 like there is a world in which and that's not 411 00:22:00,559 --> 00:22:01,039 that bad. 412 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,960 Speaker 2: A sliver of cake is like not that bad. 413 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,119 Speaker 3: But I think the disease kicks in and they're like, 414 00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:07,839 you know, it's better than a sliver, you dumb bitch. 415 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:12,599 Five slivers right now? Yeah, well, I have to do everything. 416 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,680 Speaker 1: I mean, I've talked about this before on this podcast, 417 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,640 but before I got sober, I remember getting a prescription 418 00:22:19,759 --> 00:22:24,559 for Vicodin for a breakthrough migrain pain, and I somehow 419 00:22:24,759 --> 00:22:27,119 got a hundred of them and I had to take 420 00:22:27,319 --> 00:22:29,559 I mean, I would you know, it's start out, take 421 00:22:29,599 --> 00:22:32,559 a couple. Oh, I have vicodin. Take a couple. Then 422 00:22:32,599 --> 00:22:35,880 it's like, oh, well, now I don't feel that as much. 423 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:37,920 Let me take a couple more. And like I could 424 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:39,599 be through that in a week. 425 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,160 Speaker 2: Did you also think did you also go like, is 426 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:46,279 it is it headed coming on? Yes? Is it okay? Better? 427 00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:47,480 Speaker 1: Is it really gone to? 428 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,359 Speaker 3: Like, yeah, let's let's really put it to bed. I 429 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:55,519 get it, I get it. I it's it's a bummer 430 00:22:55,559 --> 00:22:59,400 that we can't be trusted with our with ourselves. 431 00:23:00,319 --> 00:23:03,880 Speaker 2: But it's so much better than it was, you know. 432 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:08,799 Speaker 1: So when okay, so when it started to become misery, 433 00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:12,880 I love your I love your thing, magic medicine, misery. 434 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:16,599 When it entered the misery portion, what was that? 435 00:23:16,759 --> 00:23:16,839 Speaker 3: Like? 436 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:20,079 Speaker 1: I mean was it were you waking up with horrible hangovers? 437 00:23:20,079 --> 00:23:22,240 Were you doing things that you kind of regret but 438 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,200 not getting a DUI? Like? What was life? 439 00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,079 Speaker 2: Yeah? It was all the things that you just mentioned. 440 00:23:28,759 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 3: And I basically woke up on my thirtieth birthday and 441 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,119 was so depressed because not only was I in a 442 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:44,240 stranger's bed, covered in DNA, probably dehydrated, head pounding, already 443 00:23:44,319 --> 00:23:46,519 late for work, probably have to call out, you know, 444 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:50,640 a job that I didn't like, three living three people 445 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:54,759 in a two bedroom, and I was so depressed for 446 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,359 the younger version of myself, who like did not need 447 00:23:58,759 --> 00:24:01,519 any of the things I thought I needed mere hours 448 00:24:01,519 --> 00:24:07,240 ago and physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain 449 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:11,720 what I now would identify as spiritual pain. And I 450 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,079 just had to have this come to Jesus moment where 451 00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,720 I was just like, I don't have a dimmer switch 452 00:24:16,839 --> 00:24:19,400 when it comes to this, Like I cannot drink a 453 00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:21,359 glass of wine. I don't have any interest in a 454 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:24,000 glass of wine. I want to split a bottle. Then 455 00:24:24,039 --> 00:24:25,960 I want to go to out liquor. Then I want 456 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,039 to do some coke, and then I want to have 457 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:31,519 sex with a stranger who thinks I'm super hot. Like 458 00:24:31,559 --> 00:24:34,279 and if I don't get all those things, I'm depressed, 459 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:39,119 I'm lowering the standards for those things. I'm I'm just 460 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,680 scratching at an itch that will not go away. And 461 00:24:42,759 --> 00:24:47,319 alcohol and drugs I finally identified as a hurdle that 462 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:50,319 I was putting in front of myself and I because 463 00:24:50,559 --> 00:24:53,160 up until this point I done all the I think 464 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:57,640 classic bartering that we are wont to do where it's like, Okay, 465 00:24:57,759 --> 00:25:02,079 no dry month, no alcohol for the month. I'd make it. 466 00:25:02,079 --> 00:25:05,920 It would be the best month ever. But Day thirty one, 467 00:25:07,039 --> 00:25:10,119 head in a toilet, throwing up from too much Franzia 468 00:25:10,599 --> 00:25:14,440 and it's like, I I didn't. It's so crazy looking 469 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:17,880 back and being like I didn't even realize that, like 470 00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,039 it was a great month not drink it because I 471 00:25:22,079 --> 00:25:25,240 celebrated by getting drunk and being like, oh, okay, it's 472 00:25:25,279 --> 00:25:26,160 not a problem. 473 00:25:26,519 --> 00:25:27,720 Speaker 2: Life is not that bad. 474 00:25:27,880 --> 00:25:32,279 Speaker 3: I was being dramatic and then reset, you know, so, 475 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,599 like the misery of it all is just so scary 476 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:40,200 because it's so funny. You said you're having comedians on 477 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,000 to be funny. I feel like I haven't said anything 478 00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:42,519 funny this. 479 00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:46,079 Speaker 1: Whole year, but so funny. First of all, yeah, I'm 480 00:25:46,079 --> 00:25:48,279 gonna give you that validation that we all need. You're 481 00:25:48,319 --> 00:25:51,119 saying you're very, very funny. I don't. I didn't mean 482 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,559 like just make a lot of hard jokes about it. 483 00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:55,519 Speaker 2: I just really a little lighthearted. 484 00:25:55,599 --> 00:25:55,839 Speaker 1: Yeah. 485 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,440 Speaker 3: Well, and also that obviously I blame everything on my 486 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,599 disease too, my disease, and back in the backpackling me 487 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:06,119 like you're boring her, Oh. 488 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,680 Speaker 1: But stop boring. Well, okay, you know what my brain goes. 489 00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:12,000 You already told that story before, stop interjecting. 490 00:26:12,079 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 2: Oh my god, no, I get that too. 491 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:16,759 Speaker 3: And of course, like one listener will leave one review 492 00:26:16,799 --> 00:26:19,359 like she talks about herself too much, and out of 493 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:24,680 one hundred reviews, you'll you'll memorize that one. But so 494 00:26:24,799 --> 00:26:28,880 the misery of it all was I did not trust 495 00:26:29,279 --> 00:26:31,880 the words that came out of my own mouth, and 496 00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:37,960 that was so depressing, so scary. Also, I was dealing 497 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,119 with depression and anxiety, which runs in my family, but 498 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:44,200 I wasn't medicated for it. I was too scared to 499 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,000 find a therapist because I was like, that costs too 500 00:26:46,079 --> 00:26:46,480 much money. 501 00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,160 Speaker 2: I can't afford it. Like I don't want to be 502 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,359 dependent on a pill. How scary? What if I run 503 00:26:50,359 --> 00:26:51,039 out of the pills? 504 00:26:51,119 --> 00:26:51,279 Speaker 1: You know? 505 00:26:51,319 --> 00:26:52,599 Speaker 2: Anxiety? Anxiety, anxiety. 506 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:57,240 Speaker 3: But like the idea that I would wake up in 507 00:26:57,279 --> 00:26:59,720 the morning be like, Okay, I work my serving shift. 508 00:27:00,279 --> 00:27:02,480 After that, I get off at two pm, I'll go home, 509 00:27:02,839 --> 00:27:05,200 I'll work out and then I'll write or whatever the 510 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:09,279 thing was, the productive thing that my path was calling 511 00:27:09,279 --> 00:27:12,039 me to do. I'll prep for the show tonight, I'll 512 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:15,599 write some new jokes, whatever it was. But then towards 513 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,559 the end of the shift, my coworker goes, do you 514 00:27:17,599 --> 00:27:19,599 want to have our shift drink? Because our our place, 515 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,400 let you have a free drink? After the shift and okay, 516 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,319 as in West Hollywood, it's a diner, it's cue, there's 517 00:27:24,319 --> 00:27:25,799 gay guys there, have a drink. 518 00:27:25,839 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 2: Well, do you want to go to a trunks? It's 519 00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:29,759 a dive bar, you know, you know, half a mile away. 520 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:30,960 We just go one. 521 00:27:31,079 --> 00:27:33,240 Speaker 3: It's a happy hour, it's two for one, like just 522 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:37,000 you'll be home by like dinnertime. And then cut two, 523 00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:41,000 you know, sticky and van eyes in a stranger's in 524 00:27:41,039 --> 00:27:43,319 a stranger's bed looking for a piece of mail to 525 00:27:43,559 --> 00:27:47,240 find out their name. Where I am, and like I 526 00:27:47,319 --> 00:27:50,079 didn't do the thing I was dead set on doing. 527 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:55,119 And so it's like who changed the plan. And it's like, 528 00:27:55,440 --> 00:28:01,519 oh the disease did the part of me that succumbs 529 00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:05,480 to that, the part of me that believes that voice 530 00:28:05,519 --> 00:28:09,559 that like, yolo, this is what life is about. Making 531 00:28:09,559 --> 00:28:12,319 out with the guy in an alley, like this is living, 532 00:28:12,599 --> 00:28:17,200 Like yeah, you know, it's cutting, baffling. Powerful is something 533 00:28:17,279 --> 00:28:20,880 you know that's said, and it's just like I so 534 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,400 many mornings woke up regretful, so many mornings woke up 535 00:28:24,599 --> 00:28:27,640 not remembering what I did, or so many mornings waking 536 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,960 up wondering if I still had friends and like again, 537 00:28:31,079 --> 00:28:37,039 because the consequences kind of ended there. Besides maybe wasted potential. 538 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:43,240 I just kept getting over them until it was finally 539 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,319 too much. And I think it was honestly thank God 540 00:28:45,359 --> 00:28:47,480 for turning thirty, because I was like, there's something a 541 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:49,880 voice that another voice that came in and said said, 542 00:28:50,079 --> 00:28:54,599 it's not cute anymore. It's not cute like what you're doing. 543 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,920 It's it's not cute. It's not it's not what would 544 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,720 make little Zach proud. It's not something to brag about 545 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:06,799 at a function, you know, start showing up like let's 546 00:29:06,839 --> 00:29:10,680 get let's get real, So would you do so? At 547 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,200 this point, I had like rage quit my serving job 548 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:15,440 because I obviously thought I was the smartest person in 549 00:29:15,480 --> 00:29:16,279 the room. 550 00:29:16,599 --> 00:29:17,559 Speaker 2: And if you're. 551 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,480 Speaker 1: Speaking my yeah, I feel every word of that. I've 552 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:26,160 with so many waiting tables jobs, yeah, and thought I 553 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,400 was the smartest and was like, they don't know how 554 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,240 to run this. I yet, no one ever wanted to 555 00:29:30,279 --> 00:29:32,519 make me a manager of anything, but I knew better 556 00:29:32,559 --> 00:29:34,759 than everybody had to run a restaurant. 557 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,640 Speaker 3: Of course, and god forbid a customer gave me any 558 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:42,480 sort of sass towards the end, Oh baby, I will 559 00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:46,240 ruin the rest of this meal, and I'll you know, 560 00:29:46,319 --> 00:29:48,920 I'll make you pay for this, which it just like. 561 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,599 And I also think i'd been serving. I've been like 562 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,000 in customer service for too long, and it's like, you hit. 563 00:29:53,319 --> 00:29:57,200 I think you hit. You have a life expectancy in 564 00:29:57,200 --> 00:29:59,960 in that field where I just couldn't. I couldn't bend 565 00:30:00,079 --> 00:30:02,480 over anymore. I was just it was a storm. 566 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 2: You know. 567 00:30:03,319 --> 00:30:05,759 Speaker 1: When I was I waited table still. I was twenty eight. 568 00:30:05,839 --> 00:30:08,079 I got my first like I got a TV writing 569 00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:10,960 job at twenty eight, but prior to that, I'd only waited. 570 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:13,359 I'd waited tables for over ten years, like since I 571 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:18,359 was sixteen. And the last six weeks I got fired 572 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,799 from three serving jobs within six weeks. And then I 573 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,400 was like, I gotta do something else because no one 574 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,920 will hire me. Who's going to hire me? I have 575 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:31,599 no references at this point. Yeah, it was bad. I 576 00:30:31,599 --> 00:30:35,839 got my next script. I got fired from the last 577 00:30:35,839 --> 00:30:38,440 one in one night. The first night it was an 578 00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:42,839 Irish pub and yeah, anyway, anyway, oh, like this. 579 00:30:42,880 --> 00:30:45,720 Speaker 2: Is your gross, this is bad, how stupid? 580 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:47,440 Speaker 1: So you had rage quit your job. 581 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,359 Speaker 2: My serving job. I posted on Facebook. 582 00:30:49,839 --> 00:30:53,799 Speaker 3: I needed work and three people reached out to give 583 00:30:53,839 --> 00:30:57,759 me work. I since I in the year coming found 584 00:30:57,799 --> 00:31:00,400 out that they were all in a recovery program, which 585 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,720 I thought was beautiful because like I didn't really have 586 00:31:03,839 --> 00:31:05,720 anything to do with recovery. 587 00:31:05,759 --> 00:31:07,200 Speaker 2: I kind of thought those were losers. 588 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,000 Speaker 3: I thought those were, you know, people who lived under 589 00:31:09,039 --> 00:31:12,720 bridges with you know, brown paper bags. And one of 590 00:31:12,759 --> 00:31:15,200 them let me clean his Airbnb property and he would 591 00:31:15,240 --> 00:31:17,359 just listen to me tell my little sad stories. And 592 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,279 he took me to my first meeting meet, a recovery meeting, 593 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:26,319 and it was big and loud and filled with a 594 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,960 mix of people. I of course latched onto the like 595 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:32,240 the like the rougher looking people, and then like, well. 596 00:31:32,119 --> 00:31:35,039 Speaker 2: This isn't me. Obviously, this is not me. I shouldn't 597 00:31:35,079 --> 00:31:36,519 be here. Thank you for reading me. 598 00:31:36,559 --> 00:31:39,839 Speaker 3: But no, but then this, this speaker at this recovery meeting, 599 00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:42,640 really he made me laugh and he made me cry, 600 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,400 and it gave me like just enough faith to like 601 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,559 go check out another recovery meeting. 602 00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:50,000 Speaker 2: And that was the beginning of it. 603 00:31:50,079 --> 00:31:53,599 Speaker 3: Like, I thank God for recovery in LA too, because 604 00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:59,720 there's recovery meetings all over of different different plans or whatever. 605 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:07,960 Differ like groups, different sects of recovery sects, and I, yeah, 606 00:32:08,039 --> 00:32:10,160 I made I made recovery meetings a big part of 607 00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:11,960 my I still go to like a meeting every day 608 00:32:12,079 --> 00:32:14,720 for the most part. Like wow, it's like how I 609 00:32:14,799 --> 00:32:17,559 start my day. It's like when I'm really happy, I 610 00:32:17,599 --> 00:32:19,799 go to a meeting. When I'm really sad, I go 611 00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:21,759 to a meeting. When I'm feeling regular, I go to 612 00:32:21,799 --> 00:32:25,960 a meeting. I'm really stressed in this today, and I 613 00:32:26,039 --> 00:32:28,039 almost my disease of course, is like we'll skip the 614 00:32:28,079 --> 00:32:31,440 meeting and like go for a walk instead, which wouldn't 615 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:35,880 have been the worst thing, but like I was like no, no, no. 616 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:36,240 Speaker 2: No, no, no, no no no. 617 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:40,319 Speaker 3: I like I know better than to listen to that voice. 618 00:32:40,799 --> 00:32:43,319 And so it was like, yeah, it was a slow, 619 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,839 slow thing. And the only thing I did perfect the 620 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,920 whole time since you know, November twenty seventh, twenty fifteen, 621 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:54,000 besides not drink and do drugs, is I've made my 622 00:32:54,079 --> 00:32:58,599 bed every day. And it's like an esteemable act, you know, 623 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,240 they say, and it's like it's. 624 00:33:00,119 --> 00:33:01,599 Speaker 2: This is bringing it back to what I just said. 625 00:33:02,039 --> 00:33:04,200 Speaker 3: Self esteem is built on doing the things you say 626 00:33:04,200 --> 00:33:05,920 you're going to do when you say you're going to 627 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:08,440 do them, And that was not how I was living. 628 00:33:08,559 --> 00:33:10,799 I was not doing the things I said I was 629 00:33:10,839 --> 00:33:14,279 going to do period sometimes, but I especially wasn't doing 630 00:33:14,279 --> 00:33:15,720 them when I said I was going to do them. 631 00:33:16,079 --> 00:33:20,319 Like I my word meant nothing to others, but not 632 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:23,839 even to me, you know. And like when I tell myself, 633 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:26,759 you are making your goddamn bed, you dumb little bitch, 634 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,319 which is like you know, that tough love voice, but 635 00:33:30,519 --> 00:33:34,160 said with love. I make hotel beds now like I can't. 636 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:39,200 It's it's a compulsion. There is no reason I can't 637 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:43,759 do it, zero reason, and not made exquisitely. I'm not 638 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:48,440 tucking and folding, and but I'm pulling. I'm I'm aligning. 639 00:33:48,599 --> 00:33:53,640 I'm pillows. That's all, and that's all it needs to be, 640 00:33:54,079 --> 00:33:57,079 you know what I mean. It's like showing who's who's 641 00:33:57,160 --> 00:34:00,480 Who's whose boss? Me I am, And you're going to 642 00:34:00,519 --> 00:34:04,240 make the bed. I love everything you just said. I 643 00:34:04,279 --> 00:34:07,039 was wondering what would you say to people, because I 644 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,320 feel like you and I have a lot in common 645 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,360 that rebellious thinking. 646 00:34:11,519 --> 00:34:13,239 Speaker 1: The I don't want to go to these meetings. These 647 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:16,000 people are all going to be losers like they couldn't 648 00:34:16,039 --> 00:34:17,480 handle it, they couldn't make it work. 649 00:34:17,559 --> 00:34:19,039 Speaker 2: Yes, they couldn't handle it. 650 00:34:19,639 --> 00:34:22,679 Speaker 1: Yeah, go on, yeah, I mean it really is as 651 00:34:22,679 --> 00:34:25,639 they say. For me, it was last house on the block. 652 00:34:25,679 --> 00:34:27,639 I don't want any part of this. I don't want 653 00:34:27,639 --> 00:34:30,400 to I don't want to hear these slogans are just 654 00:34:30,519 --> 00:34:33,199 like make my skin crawl, like, oh, I don't want 655 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,280 for god, yeah, I don't want to be like these people. 656 00:34:36,599 --> 00:34:40,239 So and also in my mind for for quite a while, 657 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:42,719 and I would constantly share about this, I'd be like, 658 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:45,320 I mean, I'm just not convinced it's not a cult, 659 00:34:45,719 --> 00:34:47,159 you know. So that was in my head. So what 660 00:34:47,199 --> 00:34:49,519 would you say to people? I mean, I know what 661 00:34:49,559 --> 00:34:51,239 I would say to people, But what would you say 662 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,920 to people that are like I don't want like people 663 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:56,960 have an image that they go, well, there's a lot 664 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,519 of haf dos, and there's a lot of group think 665 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:01,440 and the there's a lot of it. I don't that's 666 00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:01,880 not for me. 667 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:07,639 Speaker 3: I would say, Well, first of all, addressing the cult thing, 668 00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,159 the easiest thing you can tell people is like, well, 669 00:35:10,199 --> 00:35:12,960 we don't have a leader, and we literally all talk 670 00:35:13,039 --> 00:35:17,639 shit about ourselves and the and the program itself all 671 00:35:17,679 --> 00:35:18,079 the time. 672 00:35:18,400 --> 00:35:23,920 Speaker 2: So like immediately not a cult. Also, zero obligation. 673 00:35:25,519 --> 00:35:29,960 Speaker 3: Also, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. 674 00:35:30,519 --> 00:35:33,920 You literally don't even have to stop drinking. Sit your 675 00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:34,840 grass in the back row. 676 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:35,679 Speaker 2: Listen. 677 00:35:35,880 --> 00:35:39,480 Speaker 3: If something really offends you, leave you. We all still 678 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:45,320 have free will. But what I will say is my 679 00:35:45,920 --> 00:35:50,800 our best thinking got us to where we were. That 680 00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:55,400 was us, that was us doing our best. So I would, 681 00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:00,320 I guess, dare people to put their ego aside and 682 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:05,000 be open to the fact that millions of people of 683 00:36:05,079 --> 00:36:09,199 different walks of life, of different economic backgrounds, of different ethnicities, 684 00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:14,519 of different sexual orientations have found a magic sauce in 685 00:36:14,559 --> 00:36:19,199 this program, so maybe give it. 686 00:36:19,559 --> 00:36:20,320 Speaker 2: This is the other thing too. 687 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 3: It's like it's like the person who goes like, oh, meditation, 688 00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:26,920 I meditated for a week straight. It does not work, 689 00:36:27,159 --> 00:36:29,400 blah blah blah. It's like, well, that's you didn't do 690 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:33,480 it right, Like it's a practice. You just keep doing it, 691 00:36:33,559 --> 00:36:35,400 you know what I mean. It's like if you're going 692 00:36:35,480 --> 00:36:38,679 to go to one meeting and say, well, they they 693 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:43,280 mentioned fallen women, and how dare they speak disparagingly about 694 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,760 It's like, yeah, no, I do hear you. I do 695 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:50,280 hear you. But if you talk to another woman in 696 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:52,920 that meeting who maybe has some time, she could probably 697 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,480 give you a very easy work around to that moment, 698 00:36:55,800 --> 00:36:57,719 you know. Like so it's just like it's that thing 699 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:02,639 of like whatever you're looking for, you're gonna find. And 700 00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:04,679 so like when I was first going in there, I 701 00:37:04,719 --> 00:37:08,880 was like, Okay, I'm looking to prove that these are 702 00:37:09,079 --> 00:37:14,519 losers and that they are that they're losers. 703 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:17,079 Speaker 2: And that this is god, like this is religious. 704 00:37:17,519 --> 00:37:22,280 Speaker 3: And pretty quickly you hear a speaker who goes, I 705 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,880 won my first Emmy when I was you know, when 706 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:26,400 I was still drinking and use and I know we're 707 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:28,639 supposed to speak vaguely, but like they'll say something like 708 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:31,519 you know, and you recognize them maybe they're an actor 709 00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:33,400 or something, and you're like, I won my first thing 710 00:37:33,440 --> 00:37:35,719 when I was drunk and I didn't work for ten years. 711 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:38,800 I got sober and I won ten more things, and 712 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:40,800 I was living in such lack because I only thought 713 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,519 I was worth this one thing. And so they're speaking broadly, 714 00:37:43,559 --> 00:37:46,760 but you're like, oh, okay, wait, they're not all losers. 715 00:37:47,039 --> 00:37:50,760 Or it's like a girl who like was sexually assaulted 716 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,280 a bunch as a teen and basically sex trafficked, and 717 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:59,000 like now she runs, you know, a company or a 718 00:37:59,280 --> 00:38:03,079 charity that helps women do this, and she takes meetings 719 00:38:03,119 --> 00:38:05,320 to women who have lived this. I'm like, oh my god, 720 00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:10,679 these people are high performing. These people are smart, these 721 00:38:10,719 --> 00:38:14,320 people are like doing great things. And thank God I 722 00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:18,599 saw that because I saw that the people were cooler 723 00:38:18,679 --> 00:38:22,559 than I thought they were before I was relieved of 724 00:38:22,639 --> 00:38:27,039 the burden of God, and so I saw even if 725 00:38:27,039 --> 00:38:28,719 I'm not an alcoholic, which I don't think I am. 726 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,039 I think I just like I was just in my twenties. 727 00:38:31,119 --> 00:38:33,360 I drink a lot. And who doesn't like cool people? 728 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:33,639 Speaker 2: All do? 729 00:38:34,679 --> 00:38:39,519 Speaker 3: These are this thing is making people better versions of themselves. 730 00:38:40,039 --> 00:38:42,559 So I think part of me was like, give it. 731 00:38:42,559 --> 00:38:44,920 It's fair shot, and that's what I would say to 732 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,440 anyone else, Like hopefully you're given the gift of desperation, 733 00:38:48,559 --> 00:38:51,519 they say, Or like you were stubborn enough to know 734 00:38:51,639 --> 00:38:54,679 that alcohol is no longer the solution. So maybe you 735 00:38:54,679 --> 00:38:57,519 don't land in the popular recovery program. Maybe you land 736 00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:01,960 in a different program or a harm reduction program, or 737 00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:05,159 maybe you stop drinking and you never go to a 738 00:39:05,199 --> 00:39:08,320 meeting and you never drink again, Like maybe you go 739 00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:09,920 for ten years and then you started to drink again 740 00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:14,039 and you live a great life. I've learned all of 741 00:39:14,039 --> 00:39:17,320 that is speculation. The only thing I can control is 742 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,400 where my feet are right now, and right now, it 743 00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:23,960 feels good to go to a meeting and show other 744 00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,320 people that we're not all crazy losers, that we're like 745 00:39:27,639 --> 00:39:30,320 getting better, that there's a lot to be had. I'm 746 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:32,320 still scratching the surface of this program. 747 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:33,960 Speaker 2: I couldn't I couldn't tell you. 748 00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:40,639 Speaker 3: I don't think I know even ten percent of the program, 749 00:39:41,079 --> 00:39:42,760 and I don't know how we feel about talking about 750 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,800 the Verram. I haven't saying the words because like I 751 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:49,039 like don't know what the rule is about talking about 752 00:39:49,159 --> 00:39:49,960 recovery program. 753 00:39:50,119 --> 00:39:52,880 Speaker 1: This works because people that need to know what we're 754 00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:54,920 talking about. I think know what we're talking about. 755 00:39:55,039 --> 00:39:55,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, okay good. 756 00:39:56,719 --> 00:39:59,239 Speaker 1: My feeling too, is that, I mean, I just came 757 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,800 into it with so so much you know, you know 758 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:07,119 what they say, rejection with a before investigation, you know, right, content, 759 00:40:07,320 --> 00:40:11,039 prior to investigatation. Yeah, I had a lot of what 760 00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:13,000 I thought it was going to be, and I was 761 00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:17,440 really ready for everybody well, and this is I talked 762 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,400 about this in my book. But many years before I 763 00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,920 got sober, I went with a friend to a meeting 764 00:40:23,039 --> 00:40:25,119 to support him because, you know, he had a really 765 00:40:25,119 --> 00:40:27,280 bad problem. And I sat in the back and I 766 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,360 took the ru uh do you have a drinking problem quiz? 767 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:35,119 And according to them, oh, it was a very bad problem. 768 00:40:35,719 --> 00:40:40,119 Speaker 3: I answered, yes, quiz is so funny, it is so crazy. Sorry, 769 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:42,559 very rigid. It's a very rigid test. 770 00:40:42,599 --> 00:40:45,199 Speaker 1: I was like, okay, I mean if by the letter 771 00:40:45,519 --> 00:40:48,079 of the law, I guess I have to answer yes. 772 00:40:48,159 --> 00:40:51,800 But there was a lot of insinuating circumstances, like come on. 773 00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:55,239 So according to them, I answered like twenty out of 774 00:40:55,239 --> 00:41:00,599 twenty two questions yes, and they're like, oh, you definitely problem. 775 00:41:00,639 --> 00:41:01,800 Speaker 2: And I was like to a hospital. 776 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:07,039 Speaker 1: But it was another like ten years before I quit drinking. 777 00:41:07,360 --> 00:41:10,400 But I just remember thinking like, Okay, I'm gonna I 778 00:41:10,480 --> 00:41:12,920 don't have any better ideas, so I'm going to go 779 00:41:13,039 --> 00:41:16,159 to a meeting. I can't think of another way to 780 00:41:16,239 --> 00:41:20,360 do this. And then I thought, oh, this is like 781 00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:23,119 a cult. These people all really want me to join up, 782 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:25,199 you know, And I remember the feeling of kind of 783 00:41:25,199 --> 00:41:28,639 disappointment when I was like, but when I don't go 784 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:31,079 to a meeting, how come nobody like calls me and 785 00:41:31,199 --> 00:41:33,519 like tries to find out where I am, Like nobody 786 00:41:33,599 --> 00:41:36,559 seemed to care. And then that was another little resentment 787 00:41:36,599 --> 00:41:38,760 I had. I was like, some cult you guys. 788 00:41:38,519 --> 00:41:45,840 Speaker 2: Are I'm going to believe does anyone care that's an alcoholic? 789 00:41:45,960 --> 00:41:48,920 Speaker 1: Nobody's following me out to my car, going you must 790 00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:50,840 stay for the end of the meeting. I was like, 791 00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:54,480 these people are not into it enough apparently. So then 792 00:41:54,519 --> 00:41:57,079 I had to like decide for myself, like, Okay, no, 793 00:41:57,239 --> 00:41:59,840 I think I really do want this help, I do 794 00:42:00,079 --> 00:42:02,360 want the support. And I realized, oh, I have to 795 00:42:02,400 --> 00:42:04,880 be the one that reaches out. Oh I have to 796 00:42:05,039 --> 00:42:08,639 join up. Oh I have to call people or they 797 00:42:08,679 --> 00:42:11,719 will forget it. Nobody's interested in pressuring you because all 798 00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,719 of us alki's are like interested in ourselves. 799 00:42:16,039 --> 00:42:17,239 Speaker 2: And it just it doesn't work. 800 00:42:17,480 --> 00:42:20,599 Speaker 3: I will say, in my experience and from what I've 801 00:42:20,639 --> 00:42:24,679 seen you, it really has to be that you want it, 802 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:26,440 or part of you wants it, or part of you 803 00:42:26,559 --> 00:42:30,719 is at least willing to give it a very fair shot, 804 00:42:31,679 --> 00:42:35,519 because yeah, I don't know in yeah, in my experience, 805 00:42:35,559 --> 00:42:38,960 it's like it's paid me back tenfold to the point 806 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:44,639 where I remember distinctly scrounging for quarters to bring a 807 00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:48,119 dollar to the meeting. And like this is not me 808 00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:53,280 gloating or anything like that. I fully give like five dollars, 809 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:56,320 and a part of that's inflation, but like it's more 810 00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:59,880 representative of the fact that, like I have the money 811 00:43:00,159 --> 00:43:03,519 to give, and I know it's because of my sobriety 812 00:43:03,559 --> 00:43:08,280 and this program and that whereas you are not not 813 00:43:08,719 --> 00:43:13,599 required or expected to give a dime, I want to. 814 00:43:14,360 --> 00:43:17,440 I want my meeting that I go to all the 815 00:43:17,480 --> 00:43:21,000 time to thrive, and I want there to be funds 816 00:43:21,039 --> 00:43:25,280 there to give away big books to people who are 817 00:43:25,400 --> 00:43:29,840 super skeptical, like I want, like and if it's like 818 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:31,239 one of those things like we didn't make grunt with 819 00:43:31,239 --> 00:43:34,679 passing the basket, I'll toss in twenty because I'm just like, 820 00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:41,519 this is worth every penny because they don't even they 821 00:43:41,559 --> 00:43:43,920 don't even demand it, and you know what I mean. 822 00:43:44,039 --> 00:43:48,079 It's like, if this recovery program that we're in is 823 00:43:48,119 --> 00:43:51,239 like truly and I should I hope there's a documentary 824 00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:54,440 about it at some point. It's like I think one 825 00:43:54,519 --> 00:43:58,679 of the most beautiful things to exist on the planet. 826 00:43:59,599 --> 00:44:03,159 Just like we're all servants. Okay, good, that sound like 827 00:44:03,199 --> 00:44:07,440 a cult, but we're all like, you know, self supporting. 828 00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:14,159 We we yes, we all drink a sweet sweet juice 829 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:18,800 every day. I mean the coffee in recovery rooms will 830 00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:20,880 put hair on every part of your body. 831 00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:24,320 Speaker 2: But like that's that that even got me there. At first. 832 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,800 Speaker 3: It was this Misspenny at my regular meeting, made this 833 00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:32,679 fucking rocket fuel coffee with like French vanilla coffee mate, 834 00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:35,599 and that sugar and caffeine at seven thirty am. 835 00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:38,519 Speaker 2: Got my ass. And when I didn't have a car, 836 00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:40,719 I was walking you know, like a mile and a 837 00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:44,039 half or whatever to this meeting at seven am to 838 00:44:44,199 --> 00:44:47,360 get this like this like this go go juice, you know, 839 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:51,360 and like listen and like yeah, it's just like it's magical, 840 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:51,800 I think. 841 00:44:52,199 --> 00:44:55,280 Speaker 1: So tell me about before we go, Like, so life now. 842 00:44:55,679 --> 00:45:00,159 So you're a touring comedian, Yeah, touring comedian. I have 843 00:45:00,159 --> 00:45:00,960 a special out. 844 00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:03,159 Speaker 2: Yeah, oh my god, I have a special called Twink Death. 845 00:45:03,159 --> 00:45:03,880 It's on YouTube. 846 00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:06,719 Speaker 3: I talk about sobriety a little bit because obviously it's 847 00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:08,679 a big part of my life. I think the second 848 00:45:08,679 --> 00:45:10,159 hour that I'm working on two will also have like 849 00:45:10,159 --> 00:45:12,960 a sobriety chunk, because it really is important and I 850 00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,599 think it's fun that, Like if you watch the special, 851 00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:19,320 I am quite quote unquote dirty. I'm a little blue 852 00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:22,639 in a sex forward sort of way. Like I'm not 853 00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:25,679 like violent or like agro. It's like very just like 854 00:45:25,679 --> 00:45:29,519 like Nikki Glazer esque, like yes, sex and dating, and 855 00:45:30,199 --> 00:45:33,400 I think it is important for people to see that, like, oh, 856 00:45:33,519 --> 00:45:35,960 you can be very out of pocket even as a 857 00:45:36,039 --> 00:45:39,840 completely sober person, like I do think I have found 858 00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:44,159 my genuine voice, whether or not the masses love it, 859 00:45:44,599 --> 00:45:47,000 like I think the people who like it really do 860 00:45:47,159 --> 00:45:50,320 enjoy it, and so I will always be Oh my god, 861 00:45:50,360 --> 00:45:53,119 I hope I'm always sober. I never I never want 862 00:45:53,159 --> 00:45:57,400 to lose the feeling I have most days. But yeah, 863 00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:59,119 I always talk about sobriety a little bit. But yeah, 864 00:45:59,119 --> 00:46:01,519 I'm maturing. Comic, I do my own hour on the road. 865 00:46:02,119 --> 00:46:05,159 I open for people like Fortune Themester and Taylor Tomlinson. 866 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,400 I write, I'm on like a serious XM morning show 867 00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:11,599 usually once a week, Jeff Lewis Live. 868 00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:13,159 Speaker 2: He's like a provo celebrity. 869 00:46:13,239 --> 00:46:14,039 Speaker 1: Yeah of course. Yeah. 870 00:46:14,239 --> 00:46:17,679 Speaker 3: And then I do also like I want to act. 871 00:46:17,760 --> 00:46:19,280 I want to be in front of the camera. Like 872 00:46:19,559 --> 00:46:21,159 it's that thing too, if it's like little Zach like 873 00:46:21,199 --> 00:46:22,599 thought I was going to be on a billboard for 874 00:46:22,599 --> 00:46:25,079 like a CW show, like you know, Hot Teens in 875 00:46:25,119 --> 00:46:28,920 the Wilderness. But like obviously that door has closed. But 876 00:46:29,079 --> 00:46:33,039 like I'm doing like things that are adjacent to that, 877 00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:36,920 and like I really do genuinely love my life, and 878 00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:40,960 like my problems are quite luxury problems today, you know, 879 00:46:41,199 --> 00:46:43,360 and I'm holding space always for that to change. And 880 00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:47,760 I'm you know, deeply rooted in gratitude for what I 881 00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:50,599 have today, you know, because it's you don't always wake 882 00:46:50,679 --> 00:46:52,639 up with the things you went to bed with, and 883 00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:56,159 so it's just like, yeah, like let's be as happy 884 00:46:56,159 --> 00:46:57,920 as we can be with what we've got. 885 00:46:58,119 --> 00:47:01,159 Speaker 2: And what I've got is because of sobriety. 886 00:47:01,559 --> 00:47:03,840 Speaker 1: What an amazing way to end it. Thank you so 887 00:47:04,039 --> 00:47:08,000 much for being on the show, and I wish you 888 00:47:08,039 --> 00:47:11,760 all the success and I'll see everybody next week. 889 00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:22,360 Speaker 2: Bye, good good 890 00:47:25,719 --> 00:47:28,679 Speaker 3: God