WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:06.679 The first time I noticed it, I was sitting at 2 00:00:06.679 --> 00:00:09.519 our kitchen island with my laptop balanced on a stack 3 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:13.000 of cookbooks, trying to piece together a client's logo pitch 4 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:16.079 while absent mindedly turning a t mug in my hands. 5 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:19.879 The light flickered just above the stove, catching in the 6 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:23.199 glass frames we'd hung up when we moved in photos 7 00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:26.559 from Tulum, a print of Chicago's skyline Matt bought me 8 00:00:26.600 --> 00:00:30.359 for Valentin's one year. It was late for a Wednesday, 9 00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:34.560 nine fifty seven. Nearly an hour passed when Matt usually 10 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:37.719 stumbled in from his running club, red cheeked and eager 11 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:41.159 for a shower. He always smelled faintly of wet pavement 12 00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:46.039 and synthetic gatorade hair stuck in damp peaks. To night. 13 00:00:46.240 --> 00:00:49.119 It was different. The key turned in the front door 14 00:00:49.159 --> 00:00:52.399 with more force than usual than his heavy footfalls down 15 00:00:52.439 --> 00:00:56.240 the hall, echoing against the hardwood. I glanced at my phone, 16 00:00:56.399 --> 00:01:00.000 half expecting his usual headed home text, but the screw 17 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:04.560 was blank. Hey stranger, I called, making it sound light. 18 00:01:05.079 --> 00:01:06.920 I watched him swing his bag on to the bench 19 00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:10.000 by the door, his posture bouncier than after most runs. 20 00:01:10.519 --> 00:01:14.200 To night, his grin edged on something too sharp his shirt. 21 00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:18.599 This navy tech fabric tea looked fresh, definitely cleaner than 22 00:01:18.599 --> 00:01:21.840 after miles on city streets. Yet his sneakers had mud 23 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.680 caked thick along the sole, the kind of splash you 24 00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:28.000 don't avoid during a real run. But it was the 25 00:01:28.040 --> 00:01:31.159 after smell that caught me. Layered on top of salt 26 00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:35.359 and detergent, there was something floral, almost candid, but not mine. 27 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:39.159 I tried to place it. I wore citrus oils sometimes 28 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:43.920 Matt's aftershave in a pinch, this was sweeter. Mat peeled 29 00:01:43.959 --> 00:01:46.239 off the tea as he grabbed a beer from the fridge, 30 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:48.920 tossing a joke about nearly losing a shoe by the 31 00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:53.079 Lake Trail, those puddles. If Chicago can't fix Lake Shore, 32 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:56.640 I'm running elsewhere, he teased, eyes flicking to mine and 33 00:01:56.680 --> 00:02:00.599 then away. Usually he would, unprompted, tell me about Anna 34 00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:03.680 talking every one into one more lap, or dug limping 35 00:02:03.680 --> 00:02:06.719 from a cramp. He had elaborate stories about a guy 36 00:02:06.760 --> 00:02:11.479 who wore shorts year round to night. Nothing long run, 37 00:02:11.879 --> 00:02:14.520 I asked, careful, not wanting to sound like I was 38 00:02:14.599 --> 00:02:19.120 running surveillance. He nodded gaze fixed on the bottle. Yeah, 39 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:22.520 longer than planned, lost track. He set his bier on 40 00:02:22.560 --> 00:02:25.479 the counter, picked up his shoes. The mud flaked onto 41 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:27.879 the tile, but he ignored it and told me he 42 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:30.919 was going straight to the shower. As he brushed past, 43 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:34.120 I caught the smell clinging to his neck. My hand 44 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:38.280 tightened around my mug. When the water started, I let 45 00:02:38.319 --> 00:02:40.840 out the breath I'd been holding and scrolled back to 46 00:02:40.919 --> 00:02:44.520 my logo draft, but couldn't focus at all. I kept 47 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:47.719 trying to dismiss the tension a muscle built up since 48 00:02:47.759 --> 00:02:52.039 we moved here. Don't overthink, don't be controlling, don't be insecure. 49 00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:56.000 Let him have his life, his hobbies. But the kitchen 50 00:02:56.120 --> 00:03:00.080 suddenly felt enormous and oddly empty. I heard him humming 51 00:03:00.120 --> 00:03:04.159 in the shower, Bowie off key. I sat motionless, wondering 52 00:03:04.199 --> 00:03:07.159 if unease like this was my own failing, or whether 53 00:03:07.240 --> 00:03:10.319 Matt was slipping away in ways so subtle I couldn't 54 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:14.960 police them without sounding ridiculous. Still, for the next two days, 55 00:03:15.000 --> 00:03:18.039 I said nothing. I nodded along to his run recaps, 56 00:03:18.280 --> 00:03:21.520 helped him untangle his favorite headphones, teased him when he 57 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:25.240 limped up the stairs, Thursday morning. It felt safer this way. 58 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:28.520 He smiled at me like always, crashed onto the couch 59 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:32.159 in his sweats, enveloping me in his familiar, gangly hug. 60 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:35.120 I'd built my life to trust him. I tried not 61 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:38.759 to notice new cracks in its surface. It wasn't like 62 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:41.840 I hadn't felt this before, the feeling that normal, settled 63 00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:45.319 companions sometimes get when your routines get brittle and you 64 00:03:45.360 --> 00:03:48.479 can't name the change but feel the current running beneath. 65 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:52.280 When we met, trust came so easily it was nearly thoughtless. 66 00:03:52.800 --> 00:03:56.280 Matt walking beside me in Grant Park with coffee, telling 67 00:03:56.319 --> 00:03:59.280 badly timed jokes until I laughed so loud, a dog 68 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:02.680 walker a glenre He became safe harbor after a year 69 00:04:02.919 --> 00:04:07.400 I spent fighting off client disasters and family meltdowns. When 70 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:10.039 he proposed, I had already said yes in a dozen 71 00:04:10.199 --> 00:04:14.159 quiet ways. We pulled everything into a battered savings account 72 00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:17.079 so we could buy our first place on the North Side. 73 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:20.360 Our wedding was just twenty four people and two cakes 74 00:04:20.600 --> 00:04:24.439 in a cafe we loved. Moving into the Brownstone six 75 00:04:24.480 --> 00:04:27.199 months ago was supposed to be a new beginning. The 76 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:30.439 old Radiators clunked through the nights. The kitchen had a slant, 77 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:32.600 so eggs ran off the pan if you weren't careful, 78 00:04:32.879 --> 00:04:36.360 but it was ours. Finally we painted the bedrooms together. 79 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:39.800 Matt messy with blew up to his elbows, planted a 80 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:43.439 kiss on my nose every time my roller sputtered. Our 81 00:04:43.480 --> 00:04:47.040 friends drifted in and out, dropping off housewarming bottles and 82 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:51.000 take out, laughing around a wobbly table we'd bought off Craigslist. 83 00:04:52.079 --> 00:04:55.480 Work was a seesaw. Matt's new firms celebrated him for 84 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:58.399 a few good winds. He got handed a tricky design 85 00:04:58.439 --> 00:05:01.639 for a coworking space, which meant long hours and sketch 86 00:05:01.639 --> 00:05:05.199 books open at midnight. Some of my best clients dried up, 87 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:07.680 and I spent more hours than I cared to admit, 88 00:05:07.759 --> 00:05:12.079 refreshing upwork listings and counting my invoices. But we'd always 89 00:05:12.120 --> 00:05:16.519 talked through stuff before. We did Sunday suppers with Jasmine 90 00:05:16.519 --> 00:05:20.120 and her wife Kendra. Sometimes Brian would crash and re 91 00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:23.720 enact old college pranks, rolling his eyes at us for 92 00:05:23.800 --> 00:05:28.079 having a wine fridge. We'd been busy but happy. For 93 00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:30.920 our anniversary, Matt booked us a late dinner at a 94 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:35.079 noisy Italian place. He'd been distracted, but he smiled as 95 00:05:35.160 --> 00:05:39.319 we split black pepper pasta and traded five years toasts. 96 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.680 He took a work call half way through dessert, but 97 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:45.399 I tried to tell myself that's the price of adulthood. 98 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.399 Six weeks since then, and sometimes our closeness felt like 99 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:53.360 muscle memory. We still horse traded recipes, sent links for 100 00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:55.959 music we thought the other would love. But the phone 101 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:00.279 calls stretched longer, the silences between us lingering. Some times 102 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:03.319 Matt would come home and collapse into work, headphones on, 103 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:07.680 running gear, forgotten by the door. Other times he was dazzling, 104 00:06:07.920 --> 00:06:11.519 buoyed by some invisible wind, performing for me or maybe 105 00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:15.839 for himself. After a late Sunday morning, us bundled in 106 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:21.199 mismatched pajamas, eating soggy French toast, and arguing again about 107 00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:25.000 which Netflix series to force on each other. I felt optimistic, 108 00:06:25.560 --> 00:06:28.160 but there were days when I caught myself scrolling my 109 00:06:28.279 --> 00:06:31.120 phone in another room, waiting to see if Matt would 110 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.639 text first. It was easier to believe it was just 111 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.920 work pressure or me spinning the difficulties of free lancing 112 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:42.839 into relationship drama. I reminded myself. There is no normal, 113 00:06:43.160 --> 00:06:46.959 only what we build. That logic didn't help when Jasmine 114 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:50.959 asked about double dates over coffee one Thursday. She'd swung 115 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:54.920 by tall tree, picking up an absurd lavender latte and 116 00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:58.319 joined me at a window seat. You think Matt could 117 00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:01.839 manage Wednesday next week? Kendra's got two tickets to that 118 00:07:02.000 --> 00:07:05.560 jazz thing. She started texting before I even had time 119 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:09.959 to reply. That's his running club day, I said, feeling 120 00:07:10.040 --> 00:07:13.639 oddly defensive. Maybe I can talk him into skipping, but 121 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:18.759 he's pretty locked in lately. Jasmine looked up, blinking weird. 122 00:07:19.040 --> 00:07:21.560 He was at Barrel and Hinge after last week's run 123 00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:24.920 with some one I didn't see who. I walked by, waved, 124 00:07:24.959 --> 00:07:28.160 but he looked busy. She set her cup down the foam, 125 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:31.240 leaving a ghost mark on the wood. You didn't mention, 126 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:35.519 so I figured neighbor. The word neighbor landed like a 127 00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:39.800 skipped heartbeat. I mentally scrolled through our social roster. We'd 128 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.720 met a few folks on the block, mainly elderly, not 129 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:45.519 the sort for late bar nights. I forced a laugh. 130 00:07:46.079 --> 00:07:48.600 Probably some one from the club. He's trying to recruit 131 00:07:49.079 --> 00:07:55.639 or dug that guy es becoming a regular fixture. Jasmine shrugged, unconvinced, 132 00:07:55.680 --> 00:07:59.240 but dropping it. Lucky you. If Kendra came home that 133 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:04.120 cheery after or workout, I'd be suspicious. We changed the subject, 134 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:07.800 but as I walked home, anxiety tugged insistently at me. 135 00:08:08.360 --> 00:08:11.800 At dinner that night, Matt was fidgety. I stirred soup, 136 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:15.240 and he thanked me absently, vanishing into a text thread. 137 00:08:15.800 --> 00:08:19.680 His fingers moved with quiet urgency, screen lighting up just 138 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:23.720 out of my sight. I thought about asking the words 139 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:26.720 formed and rewound in my mouth. Are you seeing some 140 00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:30.480 one else? No? Too blunt, too crazy? Did you go 141 00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:33.600 for drinks after running club last week? But even that 142 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:36.279 felt like a trap. If I accused him, it would 143 00:08:36.320 --> 00:08:40.000 make my doubts real. Instead, I asked if he wanted 144 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:43.440 to help me rehang a crooked photo frame, and he smiled, 145 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:46.600 stretching my name into a song. He watched me as 146 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:49.440 I worked hands on his hips, as if nothing in 147 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:52.519 the world was off. I wanted to believe him. It 148 00:08:52.639 --> 00:08:57.000 was easier that way. Trust by inertia. I tried for 149 00:08:57.039 --> 00:08:59.879 the next week to file my suspicions, where I filed 150 00:08:59.879 --> 00:09:04.440 all inconvenient feelings. I double checked Matt's running club schedule 151 00:09:04.480 --> 00:09:07.799 on my phone, reasoning that if he was out with someone, 152 00:09:08.120 --> 00:09:10.799 maybe it was part of the group rebranding for spring, 153 00:09:11.399 --> 00:09:15.360 but his stories didn't add up. Monday night, I emptied 154 00:09:15.399 --> 00:09:17.879 his backpack to look for the half eaten granola bar 155 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:21.360 I'd been smelling for days. Tucked under a stack of receipts, 156 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:24.919 I found a slip from a place called Ursa two dinners, 157 00:09:25.159 --> 00:09:28.200 two glasses of wine a week night. Matt swore he'd 158 00:09:28.200 --> 00:09:33.120 gone straight to running and then home. I didn't confront him. Instead, 159 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:36.320 I scrolled their menu, a cozy wine bar. Had never 160 00:09:36.399 --> 00:09:40.240 heard him mention that. Tuesday, I drifted into his office 161 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.200 at lunch, the way I sometimes did on productive days 162 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:45.759 when I wanted to be a cool wife and surprise him. 163 00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:51.320 His desk mate, a cheerful, curly head paralegal, looked startled Matt. 164 00:09:51.600 --> 00:09:54.519 Oh he cut out early, had a client consult up 165 00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:57.120 by the river. He should be back this afternoon, though 166 00:09:57.759 --> 00:10:02.000 she didn't question me. Returning to her spreadshet Matt rolled 167 00:10:02.039 --> 00:10:05.960 in three hours later, explaining traffic, then launching into a 168 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:09.080 monologue about the smell of the printer. But something in 169 00:10:09.120 --> 00:10:12.200 the way his eyes darted made me feel impatient brittle. 170 00:10:12.840 --> 00:10:16.720 That night, he skipped dinner altogether, claiming emails were out 171 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:20.759 of control, and ate a protein bar in bed. Two 172 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:24.399 days went by Friday, at happy hour, Brian, our friend 173 00:10:24.399 --> 00:10:27.279 from college who prided himself on managing his own break 174 00:10:27.360 --> 00:10:30.919 ups like sporting events, cornered me by the natchos you 175 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:34.159 and matt O Kay. He tipped his head glass, sweating 176 00:10:34.200 --> 00:10:37.720 between his hands. He's been I dunno in his own 177 00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:40.639 world lately. Dad used to say, you can smell when 178 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:43.960 someone's off their game. You know. I gave a quick 179 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:47.679 dismissive answer. He has a new account that's eating him alive. 180 00:10:48.000 --> 00:10:52.159 But we're solid. It was mostly true. Over the years, 181 00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:55.159 I'd become skilled at spinning stories around the parts of 182 00:10:55.159 --> 00:10:59.919 our lives I didn't want examined. Still, every oddity stacked up. 183 00:11:00.279 --> 00:11:02.919 When our group chat proposed a mid week dinner, I 184 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:06.360 asked Mat to join. Any other time, he'd have said, yes, 185 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:10.120 it's rare. We're together on work nights. Can't bail on 186 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:13.679 the running team live, he said, flatly, I'm supposed to 187 00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:18.159 help keep these new folks motivated. I didn't argue, but 188 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:21.519 when I checked the running club's social page. There wasn't 189 00:11:21.519 --> 00:11:24.360 a meet up listed for that night. I hovered my 190 00:11:24.440 --> 00:11:27.320 mouse over the R s v P button, resisting the 191 00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:31.120 urge to message the club manager, directly, feeling crazy for 192 00:11:31.200 --> 00:11:35.120 even thinking of it. I started watching Matt on those evenings. 193 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:38.360 One Wednesday, after a supposed interval run, he walked in 194 00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:41.080 the door, dry as kindling, not a drop of sweat, 195 00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:44.000 shirt and hair neat, not even a flush across his cheeks. 196 00:11:44.360 --> 00:11:47.519 He saw me watching and explained, almost too fast, rain 197 00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:50.600 hit just as we started. Didn't even get our shoes wet, 198 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:53.360 so we called it early. He pulled me into a sudden, 199 00:11:53.480 --> 00:11:57.080 hard hug. You seem tense. Live Is everything all right? 200 00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:01.200 He sounded worried, but his hair drifted up and down 201 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:03.840 my back in a way that was more soothing than intimate, 202 00:12:04.200 --> 00:12:08.240 like calming a dog during fireworks. It's work, that's all, 203 00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:11.559 I lied. I felt the prickle of tears, but blinked 204 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:15.879 them away. Later that night, I pressed for details. Who ran? 205 00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:20.120 Did Anna finally break her pr and Matt's answers became fuzzy, 206 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:24.480 mostly the usual folks. I can't remember if Anna was there. Honestly, 207 00:12:25.159 --> 00:12:28.759 he changed the subject to a podcast recommendation, then tried 208 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:31.960 to tickle me until I relented. I fell asleep next 209 00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:34.559 to him, feeling like I'd lost my bearings in my 210 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:38.639 own home. But things didn't escalate all at once. There 211 00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:43.320 were days when Matt was himself again, charming, tiringly enthusiastic 212 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:46.799 about his work, affectionate in the kitchen, laughing on our 213 00:12:46.840 --> 00:12:51.919 friends group, faced calls. He planned a spontaneous brunch, whisking 214 00:12:51.960 --> 00:12:54.519 me out into the freezing wind for the best quassars 215 00:12:54.559 --> 00:12:58.000 in North Park. It was enough to convince myself for 216 00:12:58.039 --> 00:13:01.279 another week or two that maybe I was spiraling, burnt 217 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:04.480 out from work, stress and our relentless move in chaos. 218 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:08.279 Maybe Matt just needed breathing space, or maybe I'd forced 219 00:13:08.320 --> 00:13:10.600 him to build that space in the way I handled 220 00:13:10.600 --> 00:13:13.919 my own nerves. I even considered maybe he was planning 221 00:13:14.000 --> 00:13:17.720 a surprise or managing some personal stress he just didn't 222 00:13:17.720 --> 00:13:21.440 know how to name yet. Then one Saturday morning, I 223 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:24.600 found the restaurant receipt again, still wedged in the liner 224 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:28.120 of his running bag. Two entrays, two glasses of wine 225 00:13:28.120 --> 00:13:30.600 with a tip. I tried to recall what I'd done 226 00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.559 that night. I'd worked late on a deadline, and told 227 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:35.879 Matt to order dinner for himself if he'd be home late. 228 00:13:36.240 --> 00:13:39.000 He texted that he was with the team, but the 229 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:42.960 restaurant wasn't anywhere near the trail nor near our brownstone. 230 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.519 If I hadn't seen the address, I'd never have known 231 00:13:45.559 --> 00:13:49.720 to even wonder. Wednesday evening, as I was tossing laundry 232 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:53.000 from the dryer, Matt's phone buzzed. I didn't usually snoop, 233 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:56.240 but after a week of growing nervousness, I let myself look. 234 00:13:56.639 --> 00:13:59.639 The preview was innocuous enough a message from Jess R. 235 00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:01.600 I tried to recall if I'd met any one with 236 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:04.240 that name. I heard Matt's step from the shower as 237 00:14:04.279 --> 00:14:08.279 I stood there, frozen foone in hand. Without missing a beat, 238 00:14:08.320 --> 00:14:11.600 he snatched the phone, half laughing. Just Jess from running. 239 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:16.279 She's new has a million questions about shoes. I told her, 240 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.519 I'd ask you about chafing cream. His smile held, but 241 00:14:20.639 --> 00:14:23.480 his knuckles had gone a touch white. Before I could 242 00:14:23.480 --> 00:14:26.360 ask more, he launched into a monolog about trying a 243 00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:29.960 different running route, then distracted me by suggesting a late 244 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:33.279 dinner out. We ended up eating greasy slices at a 245 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:37.200 pizza joint. His laughter loud among the crowded tables. It 246 00:14:37.200 --> 00:14:39.720 would have almost convinced me, if not for the way 247 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:44.720 his phone stayed face down. Determined to steady myself with facts, 248 00:14:45.039 --> 00:14:47.279 I told myself it was better to do nothing than 249 00:14:47.320 --> 00:14:50.679 confront with nothing. I fingered the receipt tucked into the 250 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:55.240 drawer by our fridge, debated texting Jasmine, and instead busied 251 00:14:55.240 --> 00:14:59.720 myself with work, color grading a wedding logo, drafting invoices, 252 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:04.600 repotting a stubborn snake plant. Still worry clung to me. 253 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:07.960 I woke up twice that week, clawing dreams in which 254 00:15:08.000 --> 00:15:11.399 I watched Matt disappear around a corner, his shoulders tense, 255 00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:14.879 always with someone whose face I couldn't see. When I 256 00:15:14.960 --> 00:15:18.519 caught Brian on FaceTime, I nearly asked for advice, but 257 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:22.360 the words died in my throat. I stopped by Matt's 258 00:15:22.360 --> 00:15:25.919 firm once more, with coffee a piece, offering a litmus test. 259 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:30.080 His desk was empty. The receptionist, mid Sandwich told me 260 00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:33.679 Matt was at a client lunch uptown, something new. She 261 00:15:33.759 --> 00:15:36.720 didn't look up from her food again. It was Wednesday 262 00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:41.919 that evening. Curiosity overpowered pride I resisted the urge to 263 00:15:42.000 --> 00:15:44.879 check his jacket, but couldn't convince myself not to peek 264 00:15:44.919 --> 00:15:48.519 at his calendar. His outlook showed blocked times labeled as 265 00:15:48.679 --> 00:15:51.480 sight consult notes that didn't match what he told me 266 00:15:51.519 --> 00:15:54.919 about his projects. Each Wednesday had a two hour gap. 267 00:15:55.159 --> 00:15:59.519 Tucked in before running club, I went through memories, lining 268 00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:03.360 up where pieces didn't fit. When Matt came home, he 269 00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:06.759 was in a buoyant mood, almost giddy. He grabbed me 270 00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:10.120 into a bear hug, swung me around, then kissed my forehead. 271 00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:13.399 Missed you to day live. You should come running. The 272 00:16:13.480 --> 00:16:17.159 new crew would love you. I smiled, but my heart 273 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:20.919 was thrumming. Maybe I will, I said, let me know 274 00:16:20.960 --> 00:16:24.960 when you get another group event. He hesitated, only half 275 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:28.879 a beat. For sure. Suspicion was like an itch I 276 00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:32.159 couldn't quite reach. I tried to solve it away with logic, 277 00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:36.919 new running friends, stress from work, declined invites, but each 278 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:40.879 piece kept snapping out of place. A week later, Matt 279 00:16:40.919 --> 00:16:43.279 came home after running club with a saw knee, at 280 00:16:43.360 --> 00:16:46.399 least that's what he claimed. He slumped into the living room, 281 00:16:46.559 --> 00:16:49.080 then excused himself to ice, but forgot the bag in 282 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:52.399 the freezer. I fetched it, trying to piece together the Lye, 283 00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:55.720 the Sawnee, the missing group. Run his phone flashing with 284 00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:58.480 a brief text thanks for the night, m J. He 285 00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:03.200 caught me looking grinned, swept his phone away. Anna's always dramatic. 286 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:06.640 I swear she just wants me to quit club altogether, 287 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:11.200 he said, laughing. The pattern repeated, two or three days 288 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:14.480 of normal brushing against whatever was fracturing in us, then 289 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.240 a new oddity to needle at my brain. Matt would 290 00:17:17.279 --> 00:17:19.880 disappear for an hour to talk to her contractor then 291 00:17:19.920 --> 00:17:24.000 come home with no stories. Sometimes his moods swung between 292 00:17:24.079 --> 00:17:28.039 easy affection and a blank sort of distraction. Once I 293 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:30.640 spent almost twenty minutes just staring at a pile of 294 00:17:30.720 --> 00:17:34.799 unfolded laundry, wondering if I was fabricating a whole fantasy 295 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:39.720 from loneliness. My own routine changed. I started double checking 296 00:17:39.799 --> 00:17:43.440 our schedule, noting Matt's block time, not in a spreadsheet, 297 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:47.400 but mentally stacking things up, testing angles, then trying to 298 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:50.680 erase it all before he noticed nights. When he came 299 00:17:50.720 --> 00:17:53.759 home later than promised, I forced myself to be gentle, 300 00:17:54.119 --> 00:17:58.319 asking about dinner, drawing him into conversation about a neighbour's garden. 301 00:17:58.799 --> 00:18:01.480 If he flinched at the question, I'd changed the topic. 302 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:05.759 Two weeks after Jasmine's off hand comment, she texted, late, 303 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:10.119 want a grab brunch this Sunday? Solo is okay? I hesitated, 304 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.960 then agreed. As we chatted, she pressed carefully, everything good 305 00:18:14.000 --> 00:18:16.440 with you too? But I gave her nothing, just the 306 00:18:16.480 --> 00:18:20.960 safe version. Busy, I said, work is nuts. MAT's running 307 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:25.359 every free minute. When I got home, Matt was making pancakes, humming. 308 00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:29.200 He smiled as I came in. You look tired, tough night. 309 00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:32.160 I tried to keep my hands steady as I poured syrup. 310 00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:37.480 Not tough, just tired. You headed out to run? He hesitated, 311 00:18:37.559 --> 00:18:41.599 then nodded, yeah. Groups meeting at eight. I walked him 312 00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:44.480 to the door and watched him slip away, shoes slapping 313 00:18:44.519 --> 00:18:49.640 the sidewalk, body tensed in the chill. That afternoon, feeling bolder, 314 00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:53.519 I checked the club's Instagram. No post, not even a story. 315 00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:56.799 Anything slotted for a public workout would have been loved 316 00:18:56.839 --> 00:19:01.000 and reposted. I hovered over jess Ah, her handle marked 317 00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:04.599 as inactive, but I couldn't see much. Her account was private. 318 00:19:05.640 --> 00:19:09.279 I found myself watching Matt's movements, watching for signs. I 319 00:19:09.359 --> 00:19:13.400 checked his phone for photos, half expecting secret files. None. 320 00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:17.119 The only thing obvious was what was missing. No selfies 321 00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:20.079 from runs, no group photos like he used to share. 322 00:19:20.640 --> 00:19:23.759 I told myself he was less sentimental lately, but part 323 00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:26.440 of me wondered was he deleting them or just not 324 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:30.799 bringing his phone? Every night that followed, a different set 325 00:19:30.839 --> 00:19:34.599 of worries waited. Maybe he was tired, maybe I was tired. 326 00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:37.960 Maybe nothing was wrong except the way years carved out 327 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:42.480 comfort and left the rough edges. Then three wednesdays later, 328 00:19:42.839 --> 00:19:46.599 Matt came home, exuberant, clutching a bottle of cider. When 329 00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:49.480 he knew I loved, bringing it as a peace offering 330 00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:53.000 for earlier snappishness about his work hours. I felt a 331 00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:56.519 glimmer of old intimacy return, enough to lower my guard 332 00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:59.720 that night, as he massaged my shoulders and vented about 333 00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:03.480 city construction projects, laughing at our old joke about how 334 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:06.359 only architects would design a house you could get lost 335 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:09.279 in on the way to the fridge. We watched a 336 00:20:09.319 --> 00:20:12.039 bad movie and lounged against each other on the couch, 337 00:20:12.359 --> 00:20:14.559 and I let myself hope the tension was just a 338 00:20:14.599 --> 00:20:17.440 phase that what felt wrong could be worn down by 339 00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:22.000 sheer force of nostalgia. Matt suggested we plan a weekend away, 340 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:27.519 just us, no friends, no running, no work distractions. I 341 00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:31.920 vote Indiana Dunes, he said, squeezing my fingers. Just a 342 00:20:31.960 --> 00:20:36.000 couple nights, but I could use a recharge. That weekend, 343 00:20:36.279 --> 00:20:39.039 we packed an overnight bag and drove out along the lake, 344 00:20:39.319 --> 00:20:43.799 playing road trip games, disagreeing over playlists, swerving between silly 345 00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:46.839 and fond, like we were freshmen again. On Saturday, we 346 00:20:46.920 --> 00:20:49.720 hiked in the still cool dunes, Matt pointing out every 347 00:20:49.799 --> 00:20:52.599 raccoon track, me pretending to be obsessed with the clouds. 348 00:20:53.079 --> 00:20:55.039 At the end of the day, huddled in the motel 349 00:20:55.119 --> 00:20:58.720 under mismatched covers, he leaned close, brushing my ear with 350 00:20:58.799 --> 00:21:01.480 his lips. Let forget about the city for a bit. 351 00:21:01.960 --> 00:21:06.160 Race set for forty eight hours, I believed it or tried. 352 00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:09.920 No calls, barely any texts, just bad take out and 353 00:21:10.000 --> 00:21:13.359 skin pressed together in silence. He was careful with me, 354 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:17.119 almost like the man I met. I told myself stories. 355 00:21:17.559 --> 00:21:20.519 Maybe he was just fried. Maybe I'd gotten so tuned 356 00:21:20.519 --> 00:21:24.680 to suspicion I couldn't see straight Monday, as I unpacked 357 00:21:24.680 --> 00:21:27.599 our bags, I found a greeting card tucked in Matt's 358 00:21:27.640 --> 00:21:30.519 jim pouch. At first, I figured it was a quirky 359 00:21:30.559 --> 00:21:33.640 post run joke. He used to send memes through cards 360 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:36.279 hide them in my lunch bag. But this one was 361 00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:39.759 addressed to Jay, with a note in Matt's handwriting, so 362 00:21:39.960 --> 00:21:42.519 proud of your big project. Can't wait to see what 363 00:21:42.559 --> 00:21:45.359 you do next. Our time together makes it worth all 364 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:49.599 the effort. Em For a long moment, I just stared 365 00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:54.119 reading and rereading the note. It was congratulatory, nothing overt, 366 00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:58.680 nothing shameful. Our time together could mean anything. Still, it 367 00:21:58.759 --> 00:22:02.480 was a message I'd never read. That night, Matt was 368 00:22:02.519 --> 00:22:05.759 affectionate as ever. He cooked dinner, lit a candle that 369 00:22:05.839 --> 00:22:08.960 hadn't been touched since my last birthday. He told me 370 00:22:09.000 --> 00:22:12.200 how grateful he was for the break. His hands found 371 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:17.279 mine under the table, thumb tracing circles absent mindedly. I 372 00:22:17.319 --> 00:22:20.640 almost fell for it. I almost convinced myself the card 373 00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:25.200 was nothing, just a friend, just friendly. But a day later, 374 00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:28.519 the phone rang while Matt showered and I was folding towels. 375 00:22:29.039 --> 00:22:33.640 An unknown caller I d I answered on instinct, Hey 376 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:38.480 a woman's voice bright, a little nervous. Sorry, is Matt around? 377 00:22:38.599 --> 00:22:41.440 This is Jess from club? Did he get my necklace 378 00:22:41.480 --> 00:22:43.640 back from the locker room? I think I left it 379 00:22:43.759 --> 00:22:50.000 last week, my heart, jackhammered. Matt was singing in the shower, oblivious. 380 00:22:50.440 --> 00:22:55.559 I stumbled over my reply, I'm not sure I'll ask. Thanks. 381 00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:57.839 He said he'd pick it up after our run, but 382 00:22:58.240 --> 00:23:00.519 just if you find it, tell him, Jesse says. Hi. 383 00:23:01.640 --> 00:23:05.160 I hung up, staring at my phone the necklace. Matt 384 00:23:05.160 --> 00:23:08.480 had never mentioned it, never mentioned any lost and found. 385 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:11.559 He had never called another woman from the club outside 386 00:23:11.559 --> 00:23:15.599 of group context, as far as I'd known. That night, 387 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:18.599 I played back all the weeks of dinner table conversation, 388 00:23:19.160 --> 00:23:22.880 all the nights I had convinced myself that suspicion was paranoia, 389 00:23:23.359 --> 00:23:26.000 that doubt was a form of betrayal of its own. 390 00:23:27.079 --> 00:23:31.079 Yet now every detail felt barbed, every laugh wrong. I 391 00:23:31.160 --> 00:23:34.440 told myself, lie after lie, trust him, trust the process, 392 00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:38.599 let him have his secrets. Suddenly the burden seemed impossible. 393 00:23:39.559 --> 00:23:42.960 For the next days, I moved through routine on autopilot, 394 00:23:43.440 --> 00:23:48.240 packing lunches, checking invices, texting Jasmine to set up coffee dates, 395 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.440 faking normal for every friend who reached out, I still answered. 396 00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:55.920 When Matt called on his way home, his voice so warm, 397 00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:59.119 I wanted to believe him. But even as I tried 398 00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:02.039 to play my own part, a new resolve was forming. 399 00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:06.200 I had questions that needed answers. The card to Jay, 400 00:24:06.559 --> 00:24:09.839 the restaurant receipt, the call about the necklace, the blank 401 00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:12.920