Speaker 1: Criminal, justice, healing, education.
Speaker 2: Hey guys.
Speaker 1: As you guys know, my name is Holly Cisa. I
Speaker 1: am the host of this lovely program we call Mourning Mimosas.
Speaker 1: Mourning is to awaken and mimosas are just delicious. So
Speaker 1: and as you guys know, we value human life, justice, healing,
Speaker 1: and education, or better justice, wisdom and.
Speaker 3: Wellness.
Speaker 2: That just sounds a lot better. Guys.
Speaker 1: I haven't done an audio episode in a really long time,
Speaker 1: to just bear with me. Today's title is called a
Speaker 1: survivor's Story, so obviously it's gonna get a little deep, so.
Speaker 2: Just bear with me.
Speaker 3: Well if it's there.
Speaker 1: The reason I decided to record this episode is because
Speaker 1: I will not sit here and lie to my people
Speaker 1: and say that I have been in the best mental
Speaker 1: health I have not. I can honestly say that I've
Speaker 1: been trying to cover it up, but it's not good
Speaker 1: to keep things hidden because things get deeper and deeper,
Speaker 1: and then you find yourself having multiple, multiple random crying
Speaker 1: sessions the day and just feeling just so bad. A
Speaker 1: lot of you guys know my story. You know, I
Speaker 1: gave birth to a baby girl when I was fifteen,
Speaker 1: and my baby girl is no longer here. That was
Speaker 1: the start of everything. I'm also a survivor of trying
Speaker 1: to take my own life, and I'm gonna talk about that.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk about my multiple survivings. I should say,
Speaker 1: after my daughter passed away, I didn't see and or
Speaker 1: feel the need to still be here.
Speaker 3: So I am I was.
Speaker 1: An alcoholic or really bad as a teenager. I had
Speaker 1: to take myself that way. Yeah, it wasn't a typical
Speaker 1: alcohol obviously, I was drinking gin and all the other stuff.
Speaker 1: But my alcohol of choice was rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide,
Speaker 1: and I would mix it with other things. That's how
Speaker 1: deep my issues were as a teenager.
Speaker 2: This.
Speaker 1: You know, I felt like no one understood me, even
Speaker 1: my family. You know, my sisters were all really young,
Speaker 1: but I just felt like no one understood me then.
Speaker 1: And I'm thirty three, about to be thirty four, and
Speaker 1: I still feel.
Speaker 3: Like that now.
Speaker 1: Obviously God kept me here for a reason.
Speaker 2: So yeah, but.
Speaker 1: I do want to say something to those who are.
Speaker 2: Going through that.
Speaker 1: Please don't do a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Please,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say this to anybody was listening. Contact me
Speaker 1: if you want to talk.
Speaker 2: I know what it's like.
Speaker 1: I feel like nobody's listening to you, Nobody hears you,
Speaker 1: nobody hears the damn you.
Speaker 2: I know what that's like.
Speaker 3: Yes, I feel like that every day.
Speaker 2: M M. Then to survive.
Speaker 1: Multiple forms of abuse. I was eighteen years old when
Speaker 1: I was dating this guy, and he knew that I
Speaker 1: was in this streets when I was a younger teenager,
Speaker 1: because whether we want to believe it or not, I
Speaker 1: was eighteen is not grown mm hmm. I thought he
Speaker 1: was a good man with a father, my man. That
Speaker 1: love was a twisted one. He ended up pimping me
Speaker 1: out and then abusing me physically.
Speaker 2: I remember.
Speaker 3: A night he had me.
Speaker 2: Dressed up as a little progress room to entertain and
Speaker 2: I ended up getting raped that night.
Speaker 1: I was never more scared of my life than at
Speaker 1: that moment, because I didn't know.
Speaker 2: If that man would take my life after that.
Speaker 4: And after being raped, I didn't bring my ex away
Speaker 4: from the money that.
Speaker 2: I was supposed to and so he slapped me, hold my.
Speaker 3: Hair and told me to get my shit together.
Speaker 1: That man took my phone. I had to beg him
Speaker 1: to try to get my phone back, but I ended
Speaker 1: that relationship I let him just keep the phone. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm not, I'm gotta do this shit.
Speaker 2: M sorry, y'all.
Speaker 1: Imagine somebody telling you that they love you, but they'd
Speaker 1: knock you upside your head, and because you think that
Speaker 1: you did something wrong or you did something to deserve it,
Speaker 1: you just take it. And the thing I think is
Speaker 1: crazy about that is that he knew what I went
Speaker 1: through losing my daughter, and he knew I was in
Speaker 1: that life before and I got out and he decided
Speaker 1: let me right back into it. And then just imagine,
Speaker 1: just for a second, you're a good person, you're a
Speaker 1: good woman, and you're consistently being called names, and people
Speaker 1: think that emotional and verbal and mental abuse is not No,
Speaker 1: it's not a big deal.
Speaker 2: It is.
Speaker 1: I've been physically abused, but emotional, mental, and verbal abuses.
Speaker 2: So it destroyed me physically.
Speaker 1: Being told that you're nothing, that you're worthless, and then
Speaker 1: being reminded of that, and it makes everything just.
Speaker 2: Even sadder.
Speaker 1: Is that, after all that you have been through, the
Speaker 1: only thing that you want.
Speaker 2: Is a chance to see what.
Speaker 1: The opposite looks like. You just want to know what
Speaker 1: it's like to be loved properly. To not be called
Speaker 1: a pitch or how or a slut or cunt. To
Speaker 1: know what it's like not to get your hair pulled,
Speaker 1: getting slapped, punched, raped. If you're still listening, and if
Speaker 1: you get to this part and if it triggers you,
Speaker 1: I want you to reach out to me. I'm going
Speaker 1: to say this publicly for everyone's a year. Not only
Speaker 1: was I abused in that way.
Speaker 3: An X of.
Speaker 1: Mine put meth You heard me put meth meth amphetamine
Speaker 1: up my vagina.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we're getting.
Speaker 1: Years, we're getting all the details.
Speaker 2: And obviously you guys know what happened after that.
Speaker 1: From losing a child at fifteen years old, it's being
Speaker 1: abused by multiple men, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, sexual.
Speaker 2: Am I asking too much by asking? When will someone
Speaker 2: love me? Write? After all that?
Speaker 1: Hm?
Speaker 2: When this next part is before the girls war just
Speaker 2: like me.
Speaker 5: And we're tired of waiting. M I'm tired of waiting.
Speaker 5: I survived all that.
Speaker 2: Survive all of.
Speaker 6: That, guys, I survive all of that. And I guess
Speaker 6: maybe I'm delusional for this, but I survived all.
Speaker 7: That like a Disney princess survives. When do I get
Speaker 7: my happy ending? And please don't come on here.
Speaker 1: Talking about, Oh, she didn't love herself.
Speaker 2: I love the fuck out of myself.
Speaker 1: But just like I remind you guys all the time,
Speaker 1: I'm a human, just like you guys, and I've been
Speaker 1: through enough, and damn it, I just want my peace.
Speaker 2: And my peace of happiness. There's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 2: I've been let anybody shame me into something I know
Speaker 2: I deserve. After all I've been through.
Speaker 1: I deserve that Disney Princess, specifically Princess Tampa. IM a
Speaker 1: survivor because God wanted me to survive. I still have
Speaker 1: a purpose and I'm going to write it out. I survived,
Speaker 1: and now it's time to live.