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<v Speaker 1>Criminal, justice, healing, education.

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<v Speaker 2>Hey guys.

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<v Speaker 1>As you guys know, my name is Holly Cisa. I

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<v Speaker 1>am the host of this lovely program we call Mourning Mimosas.

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<v Speaker 1>Mourning is to awaken and mimosas are just delicious. So

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<v Speaker 1>and as you guys know, we value human life, justice, healing,

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<v Speaker 1>and education, or better justice, wisdom and.

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<v Speaker 3>Wellness.

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<v Speaker 2>That just sounds a lot better. Guys.

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<v Speaker 1>I haven't done an audio episode in a really long time,

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<v Speaker 1>to just bear with me. Today's title is called a

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<v Speaker 1>survivor's Story, so obviously it's gonna get a little deep, so.

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<v Speaker 2>Just bear with me.

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<v Speaker 3>Well if it's there.

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<v Speaker 1>The reason I decided to record this episode is because

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<v Speaker 1>I will not sit here and lie to my people

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<v Speaker 1>and say that I have been in the best mental

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<v Speaker 1>health I have not. I can honestly say that I've

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<v Speaker 1>been trying to cover it up, but it's not good

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<v Speaker 1>to keep things hidden because things get deeper and deeper,

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<v Speaker 1>and then you find yourself having multiple, multiple random crying

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<v Speaker 1>sessions the day and just feeling just so bad. A

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<v Speaker 1>lot of you guys know my story. You know, I

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<v Speaker 1>gave birth to a baby girl when I was fifteen,

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<v Speaker 1>and my baby girl is no longer here. That was

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<v Speaker 1>the start of everything. I'm also a survivor of trying

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<v Speaker 1>to take my own life, and I'm gonna talk about that.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna talk about my multiple survivings. I should say,

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<v Speaker 1>after my daughter passed away, I didn't see and or

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<v Speaker 1>feel the need to still be here.

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<v Speaker 3>So I am I was.

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<v Speaker 1>An alcoholic or really bad as a teenager. I had

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<v Speaker 1>to take myself that way. Yeah, it wasn't a typical

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<v Speaker 1>alcohol obviously, I was drinking gin and all the other stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>But my alcohol of choice was rubbing alcohol and hydrogen peroxide,

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<v Speaker 1>and I would mix it with other things. That's how

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<v Speaker 1>deep my issues were as a teenager.

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<v Speaker 2>This.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I felt like no one understood me, even

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<v Speaker 1>my family. You know, my sisters were all really young,

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<v Speaker 1>but I just felt like no one understood me then.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm thirty three, about to be thirty four, and

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<v Speaker 1>I still feel.

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<v Speaker 3>Like that now.

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<v Speaker 1>Obviously God kept me here for a reason.

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<v Speaker 2>So yeah, but.

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<v Speaker 1>I do want to say something to those who are.

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<v Speaker 2>Going through that.

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<v Speaker 1>Please don't do a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Please,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna say this to anybody was listening. Contact me

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<v Speaker 1>if you want to talk.

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<v Speaker 2>I know what it's like.

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like nobody's listening to you, Nobody hears you,

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<v Speaker 1>nobody hears the damn you.

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<v Speaker 2>I know what that's like.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I feel like that every day.

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<v Speaker 2>M M. Then to survive.

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<v Speaker 1>Multiple forms of abuse. I was eighteen years old when

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<v Speaker 1>I was dating this guy, and he knew that I

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<v Speaker 1>was in this streets when I was a younger teenager,

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<v Speaker 1>because whether we want to believe it or not, I

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<v Speaker 1>was eighteen is not grown mm hmm. I thought he

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<v Speaker 1>was a good man with a father, my man. That

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<v Speaker 1>love was a twisted one. He ended up pimping me

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<v Speaker 1>out and then abusing me physically.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember.

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<v Speaker 3>A night he had me.

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<v Speaker 2>Dressed up as a little progress room to entertain and

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<v Speaker 2>I ended up getting raped that night.

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<v Speaker 1>I was never more scared of my life than at

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<v Speaker 1>that moment, because I didn't know.

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<v Speaker 2>If that man would take my life after that.

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<v Speaker 4>And after being raped, I didn't bring my ex away

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<v Speaker 4>from the money that.

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<v Speaker 2>I was supposed to and so he slapped me, hold my.

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<v Speaker 3>Hair and told me to get my shit together.

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<v Speaker 1>That man took my phone. I had to beg him

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<v Speaker 1>to try to get my phone back, but I ended

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<v Speaker 1>that relationship I let him just keep the phone. I'm like,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not, I'm gotta do this shit.

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<v Speaker 2>M sorry, y'all.

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<v Speaker 1>Imagine somebody telling you that they love you, but they'd

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<v Speaker 1>knock you upside your head, and because you think that

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<v Speaker 1>you did something wrong or you did something to deserve it,

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<v Speaker 1>you just take it. And the thing I think is

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<v Speaker 1>crazy about that is that he knew what I went

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<v Speaker 1>through losing my daughter, and he knew I was in

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<v Speaker 1>that life before and I got out and he decided

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<v Speaker 1>let me right back into it. And then just imagine,

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<v Speaker 1>just for a second, you're a good person, you're a

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<v Speaker 1>good woman, and you're consistently being called names, and people

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<v Speaker 1>think that emotional and verbal and mental abuse is not No,

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<v Speaker 1>it's not a big deal.

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<v Speaker 2>It is.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been physically abused, but emotional, mental, and verbal abuses.

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<v Speaker 2>So it destroyed me physically.

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<v Speaker 1>Being told that you're nothing, that you're worthless, and then

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<v Speaker 1>being reminded of that, and it makes everything just.

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<v Speaker 2>Even sadder.

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<v Speaker 1>Is that, after all that you have been through, the

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<v Speaker 1>only thing that you want.

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<v Speaker 2>Is a chance to see what.

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<v Speaker 1>The opposite looks like. You just want to know what

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<v Speaker 1>it's like to be loved properly. To not be called

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<v Speaker 1>a pitch or how or a slut or cunt. To

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<v Speaker 1>know what it's like not to get your hair pulled,

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<v Speaker 1>getting slapped, punched, raped. If you're still listening, and if

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<v Speaker 1>you get to this part and if it triggers you,

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<v Speaker 1>I want you to reach out to me. I'm going

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<v Speaker 1>to say this publicly for everyone's a year. Not only

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<v Speaker 1>was I abused in that way.

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<v Speaker 3>An X of.

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<v Speaker 1>Mine put meth You heard me put meth meth amphetamine

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<v Speaker 1>up my vagina.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, we're getting.

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<v Speaker 1>Years, we're getting all the details.

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<v Speaker 2>And obviously you guys know what happened after that.

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<v Speaker 1>From losing a child at fifteen years old, it's being

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<v Speaker 1>abused by multiple men, whether it be physical, emotional, mental, sexual.

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<v Speaker 2>Am I asking too much by asking? When will someone

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<v Speaker 2>love me? Write? After all that?

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<v Speaker 1>Hm?

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<v Speaker 2>When this next part is before the girls war just

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<v Speaker 2>like me.

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<v Speaker 5>And we're tired of waiting. M I'm tired of waiting.

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<v Speaker 5>I survived all that.

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<v Speaker 2>Survive all of.

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<v Speaker 6>That, guys, I survive all of that. And I guess

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<v Speaker 6>maybe I'm delusional for this, but I survived all.

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<v Speaker 7>That like a Disney princess survives. When do I get

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<v Speaker 7>my happy ending? And please don't come on here.

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<v Speaker 1>Talking about, Oh, she didn't love herself.

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<v Speaker 2>I love the fuck out of myself.

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<v Speaker 1>But just like I remind you guys all the time,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a human, just like you guys, and I've been

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<v Speaker 1>through enough, and damn it, I just want my peace.

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<v Speaker 2>And my peace of happiness. There's nothing wrong with that.

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<v Speaker 2>I've been let anybody shame me into something I know

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<v Speaker 2>I deserve. After all I've been through.

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<v Speaker 1>I deserve that Disney Princess, specifically Princess Tampa. IM a

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<v Speaker 1>survivor because God wanted me to survive. I still have

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<v Speaker 1>a purpose and I'm going to write it out. I survived,

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<v Speaker 1>and now it's time to live.