Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You at
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to come and see what we're doing here
Speaker 1: in the studio, just log onto Instagram. My handle is
Speaker 1: at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. No period. Okay,
Speaker 1: Producer Kayla, this is the time where I'm taking your calls.
Speaker 1: If you have a relationship question, you're welcome to change
Speaker 1: your name, keep your yourself private, that's okay. The number
Speaker 1: is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
Speaker 1: That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay,
Speaker 1: Producer Kayla. Who do we have first? We have Kelly
Speaker 1: with a question. Kelly, Hi, Kelly, it's doctor Wendy. Oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, your show is great and thank you for
Speaker 1: having the show.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you.
Speaker 1: Kate. So, first date not really update encounter. Second on
Speaker 1: the first date, is there any hope for a relationship well,
Speaker 1: you know, every time I say that, you know, if
Speaker 1: you have sex on a first date, you're probably sending
Speaker 1: the message that this is a short term relationship. Somebody
Speaker 1: will write to me and say, you know what, I
Speaker 1: hooked up with my wife on the first date and
Speaker 1: we've been together thirty eight years, and I'm like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: maybe if it started in the eighties. The answer, Kelly,
Speaker 1: is whether you can establish emotional intimacy, because at the
Speaker 1: end of the day, if you have sex on a
Speaker 1: first date, you're basically saying this is just about sex.
Speaker 1: But if you can talk to them and say, hey,
Speaker 1: I don't usually do that, or I sometimes do that,
Speaker 1: but I feel like this could be more. I'm having
Speaker 1: strong feelings towards you. This was great. Could you know,
Speaker 1: could we kind of reset a little bit and start
Speaker 1: talking and get to know each other. They might be
Speaker 1: open to it, they might be open to having a relationship.
Speaker 1: But in general, the rule is if you engage in
Speaker 1: sex on a first date, then everybody's got what they
Speaker 1: needed and they move along. There's no build up. And
Speaker 1: I've done it, by the way, I've been heartbroken by it.
Speaker 1: I remember a guy said to me one I wanted
Speaker 1: to court. You dude, why are you like making it
Speaker 1: seem like it's all my fault. You were the one
Speaker 1: that moved to so Kelly maybe is my answer, big
Speaker 1: fat maybe. Thank you so much for calling. Okay, producer Kayla,
Speaker 1: who do we have next? We have Alex with the
Speaker 1: question Alex, Hi, Alex is doctor Wendy.
Speaker 3: Hello, how are you good?
Speaker 1: What's your question? Love?
Speaker 3: So it's kind of a two parter, but they kind
Speaker 3: of feed into each other, okay, because yeah, So basically
Speaker 3: the first question is were the effects of the divorce
Speaker 3: on children? And when do you know a marriage can't
Speaker 3: be saved? And the whole point of asking is my
Speaker 3: parents divorced when I was very young, and I kind
Speaker 3: of wonder, well, you know, what could they have done
Speaker 3: to save, if anything at all, and would that even
Speaker 3: be better for me and by when we grew up if.
Speaker 1: They had Well, of course I wasn't living in your family, Alex,
Speaker 1: so I didn't see what went on. Because sometimes there
Speaker 1: are toxic nests for kids where there are you know,
Speaker 1: domestic violence and alcohol abuse and drug abuse and child
Speaker 1: you know, child corporal punishment hitting kids around basically, and
Speaker 1: so in that case, parents divorcing like one good, solid, stable,
Speaker 1: loving parent is always better than two. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: the research does show that staying together for the kids
Speaker 1: is often a good idea. If parents can put their
Speaker 1: adult needs aside and make the needs of the children.
Speaker 1: That's the key. You have to make the needs of
Speaker 1: the children a priority. But your second question, how do
Speaker 1: you know if you've done everything you can and the
Speaker 1: marriage should have ended or should end? You could only
Speaker 1: know that by doing the work with a licensed clinical therapist.
Speaker 1: You need to have outside eyes. You need to spend
Speaker 1: some time doing some conscious uncom bling or conscious getting
Speaker 1: back together. But you can't unless, as I said, the
Speaker 1: relationship is so toxic that there's been drug or alcohol abuse,
Speaker 1: that there's been domestic violence, that there's been chronic chronic,
Speaker 1: chronic cheating that's not going away. Then you know it
Speaker 1: can't it can't work. But thank you. It's a good question, Alex. Okay,
Speaker 1: who do we have next? Producer calein, we have a
Speaker 1: talk back with an interesting question. Talk back that's where
Speaker 1: our listeners record a message, which you can do on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. Okay, go ahead, you.
Speaker 4: Know I'm going to be seventy this year. And I'm
Speaker 4: just so confused. I don't know how to address black
Speaker 4: people anymore. You know, I'm not a racist, but I
Speaker 4: said great neighbors that are black, And you know, is
Speaker 4: it like people of color? Is it like African American?
Speaker 4: Is like black people? I know it's not the N word,
Speaker 4: but I don't know what to do anymore.
Speaker 1: That is so honest, and I actually I'm sorry, producer, Kayla,
Speaker 1: but there's some sweetness to that.
Speaker 3: Don't be sorry.
Speaker 2: I thought it was very innocent.
Speaker 1: I don't think he's I don't think he's asking me
Speaker 1: how to talk to black people. He means how to
Speaker 1: refer to the group of people of color? Right, and
Speaker 1: he went through a laundry list. Do I call people
Speaker 1: of colored people of color? Do I call him African American?
Speaker 1: Do they call them black? I can't answer that question.
Speaker 1: I mean, I do have mixed race children, so I
Speaker 1: could probably say what they would say. But Kayla, why
Speaker 1: don't you answer this question?
Speaker 2: Well, I can't speak for all black people, but I
Speaker 2: definitely don't like being referred to as colored.
Speaker 1: Don't call me that.
Speaker 2: I don't mind being called black or African American though,
Speaker 2: or beautiful, wonderful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think those are the most socially acceptable black
Speaker 1: or African American right right now, in this time. Okay,
Speaker 1: all right, so if you'd like to call in, the
Speaker 1: number is one eight hundred five two zero one five
Speaker 1: three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero one
Speaker 1: five three four. I do want to take a moment
Speaker 1: and go to social media because people have been sending
Speaker 1: me dms as well, and I want to make sure
Speaker 1: I get a few of those in. All right, here's
Speaker 1: one that producer Kayla just slipped to me. Dear doctor Wendy, Oh,
Speaker 1: this is a heartbreaking one. How do I deal with
Speaker 1: not being chosen? It's never me? I date men for
Speaker 1: months who claim they don't want a relationship, then they
Speaker 1: get in one and it's never me. It hurts so badly. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna a couple things I want to address you.
Speaker 1: There are two kinds of ways to look at the world.
Speaker 1: You can look at the world as a glass half full,
Speaker 1: or you can look at the world as a glass
Speaker 1: half empty. And I would suspect, by the way you
Speaker 1: worded all of this that you are more of a
Speaker 1: pessimist who looks at the world as a glass half empty.
Speaker 1: So I'm gonna say it's not about you, and going
Speaker 1: to a therapist to build your self esteem is the
Speaker 1: first bit of advice I'd have for you. But there's
Speaker 1: something else I'm hearing you say, I date men for
Speaker 1: months who claim they don't want a relationship. I want
Speaker 1: to gently say, that's on you. We have to listen
Speaker 1: to people's words. If they say they don't want a relationship,
Speaker 1: we shouldn't stay in it and try to convince them. Otherwise,
Speaker 1: if somebody says I want to break up, or I
Speaker 1: want a divorce, or I'm happy to have sex with you,
Speaker 1: but I don't want a romantic relationship, then you've got
Speaker 1: to believe those words. I will tell you truthfully that
Speaker 1: happened to me. There was a person in my life
Speaker 1: for almost a decade who was on again, off again
Speaker 1: playboy who I loved so deeply. Again, I didn't really
Speaker 1: love him. He was the convenient object from my early
Speaker 1: life life, longing in trauma for my dad who was
Speaker 1: away in the Navy on ships, and I was missing him,
Speaker 1: and he behaved with He was a submariner, not my dad.
Speaker 1: This guy he would go down and up, well, he
Speaker 1: also went down. It Kyla HeLa, Oh my god, I'm
Speaker 1: just saying he disappeared and then he would resurface. That's
Speaker 1: all I said. Well, I don't know what you heard there, producer, Kayla,
Speaker 1: why are you laughing so hard? You know? But anyway,
Speaker 1: one day he said to me, I don't think I
Speaker 1: can have a romantic relationship with you. And this is
Speaker 1: the person I've been sleeping with. Right, it felt just
Speaker 1: hearing those words felt like the only way I can
Speaker 1: describe it is it felt like a train rolling over
Speaker 1: from my body from the toes up, this feeling of vibration,
Speaker 1: of deep pain, and I start. I remember I was
Speaker 1: driving my car very unsafe, pull over if this ever happened,
Speaker 1: and I was crying so hard. I was shaking and
Speaker 1: crying so hard, and I cried for like days hearing
Speaker 1: those words. I mean, if he's listening, please no, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you, because it was those words that sent me
Speaker 1: to a therapist. It was those words with the goods
Speaker 1: in my case, a psychoanalytic therapist or I love dearly
Speaker 1: to this day, who helped me understand that this feeling
Speaker 1: did not belong in this day, this feeling did not
Speaker 1: belong with this man. This feeling was a very ancient
Speaker 1: feeling that needed to be processed. But I know the
Speaker 1: feeling you're in when you say why don't they pick you?
Speaker 1: And you get in relationships with them and then they
Speaker 1: say they don't want a relationship. Oh yeah, yeah, yah ya,
Speaker 1: I know how much it hurts. Hey. When we come back,
Speaker 1: I'm going to continue going to my dms. Also, if
Speaker 1: you'd like to, you can do a talk back. How
Speaker 1: do they do a talk about Kayla? They have to
Speaker 1: download the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: There's a little Mi cphone in the left hand corner
Speaker 2: and they can record a thirty second message.
Speaker 1: Okay, So you download the iHeartRadio app and then search
Speaker 1: KFI first KFI AM six forty AIM six forty and
Speaker 1: then upper left there's a little microphone. You can at
Speaker 1: any time do that anytime during the week, record that
Speaker 1: and producer Kayla, we'll get it. Say here I have
Speaker 1: a question for Doctor Wendy and she'll keep them all
Speaker 1: and then we can play them on Sundays, which is
Speaker 1: always fun. Anyway, we'll be back after this. You're listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty one Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 5: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show i KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay,
Speaker 1: I want to go to my social media now, because
Speaker 1: so many of you do send me dms with your
Speaker 1: relationship question and questions, and I am honored that you
Speaker 1: do so so and I will protect your privacy. I'm
Speaker 1: never going to say your handle or your name or anything.
Speaker 1: And even when I read your questions out, I sometimes
Speaker 1: change the gender, the age, the occupation, whatever. I did.
Speaker 1: Just think we all need to be protected. All right,
Speaker 1: here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. I was hooking up
Speaker 1: with a man who wouldn't make me his girlfriend because
Speaker 1: he wanted to finalize his divorce before starting something new
Speaker 1: with me. Note to woman, he's already started something new
Speaker 1: with you. Okay, As she continues, I respected his wishes.
Speaker 1: Uh oh. We ended up pregnant after a few months,
Speaker 1: and now his treatment of me has completely changed. He's
Speaker 1: drawing clear lines that I am the mother of his child,
Speaker 1: not his girlfriend. He's become cold. He still wants to
Speaker 1: sleep over and sleep with me. But it's very complicated. Now.
Speaker 1: How can I enforce more clear boundaries or found out
Speaker 1: how he wants to move forward as a family, whether
Speaker 1: we co parent or we're together. Okay, So I just
Speaker 1: want to say one thing. You have given this man
Speaker 1: way too much power. You shared your body, your bloodstream,
Speaker 1: your eggs with him before he was able to even
Speaker 1: commit to you. Right. I always say that women should
Speaker 1: only have blue chip sex. That's a good stock that
Speaker 1: they trade for the highest price you can ever charge
Speaker 1: for sex, which is care and commitment. So I'm so
Speaker 1: sorry to tell you that that's happened your chances. I
Speaker 1: can hear in your words that you're pining away for
Speaker 1: him to suddenly say, my divorce is final. Let's you
Speaker 1: and I get married and make a nuclear family. And
Speaker 1: you deserve it because you're the princess who's been waiting
Speaker 1: for me all this time. Thank you, baby, That's not
Speaker 1: going to happen. I'm sorry. So here's what I suggest
Speaker 1: for you. You have a lot coming up in your future,
Speaker 1: and you need to have some professionals around you. I
Speaker 1: don't know who your social support is, I don't know
Speaker 1: who your family members are if they can be there
Speaker 1: for you. You definitely need a lawyer, and you definitely
Speaker 1: need a licensed therapist, and you need to reach out that. Look,
Speaker 1: if you can't afford it, you call your health insurance
Speaker 1: and you find out what therapists they cover. You need
Speaker 1: to excuse me, you need to at least call a
Speaker 1: lawyer and pay for a one hour session where you
Speaker 1: just ask a bunch of questions to make sure that
Speaker 1: you and your child are protected. Because the fact that
Speaker 1: you say he's become a bit cold tells me that no,
Speaker 1: it's it's not going to be what you dream it's
Speaker 1: going to be. I'm so sorry, baby, but you know what,
Speaker 1: You're being given an amazing gift of a beautiful little
Speaker 1: angel who's coming into your life. So I want you
Speaker 1: to focus on that angel and how you can make
Speaker 1: the best life for them. Oh, thank you for writing
Speaker 1: makes me sad? All right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: My girlfriend has male best friend. Woo maybe a threat
Speaker 1: to you. We'll see. We've been together eight months and
Speaker 1: her male best friend's birthday is the day after mine.
Speaker 1: She wants to do I love it. I'm sorry. I'm
Speaker 1: reading this sentence and I'm already laughing because I'm like, girl,
Speaker 1: you are brave. She wants to do a joint celebration
Speaker 1: when I spent fifteen hundred dollars on her birthday celebration.
Speaker 1: I don't want to sound jealous or controlling, but this
Speaker 1: is unacceptable. How do I address this? Well, you don't
Speaker 1: have to sound jealous, you don't have to sound controlling.
Speaker 1: You can just talk about you and what your needs are.
Speaker 1: So it's perfectly okay to say, hey, great idea, but
Speaker 1: no thanks, I'd rather celebrate my birthday privately with you,
Speaker 1: just as I did for your birthday. That would have
Speaker 1: more meaning for me. And that's it. You don't have
Speaker 1: to give a whole bunch of other whatever. And she said, no,
Speaker 1: I just want to do it joint. Then you can
Speaker 1: just move on and say, you know I'm gonna a
Speaker 1: celebrate my birthday with someone else? Then right, Just set
Speaker 1: your boundaries. You don't have to convince her you have
Speaker 1: the right way. Just do what's best for you. Take
Speaker 1: care of you. I don't like this. Dear doctor, Wendy,
Speaker 1: my fiance is going through a tough time. Her brother,
Speaker 1: Oh dear, was just diagnosed with stage four cancer. Oh,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry she's taking her pain out on me.
Speaker 1: We've been together seven years, but I'm starting to resent
Speaker 1: her attitude. How do I handle this? My future wife
Speaker 1: needs to be able to handle her emotions. Okay, I
Speaker 1: heard a lovely, lovely sentence that a therapist told me
Speaker 1: at a social event recently. Therapists hang out with therapists
Speaker 1: and radio hosts and psychology professors. And actually this is
Speaker 1: a birthday party for a sex therapist. Don't ask me
Speaker 1: what went on there, nos, it was like it was
Speaker 1: fun anyway. She said that when she's being kind of
Speaker 1: she and not great, her husband has a line he
Speaker 1: uses with her, and he says, please be more gentle
Speaker 1: with my wife. Please treat my wife kinder. And so
Speaker 1: I'm thinking there's a version of this. She's taking out
Speaker 1: her pain on you. But you could even say, I
Speaker 1: want you to treat your husband a little more kindly
Speaker 1: because he loves you. Something like that. Just sort of
Speaker 1: let her know that she's being particularly hard on you. Also,
Speaker 1: do cut her some slack. It is a really, really,
Speaker 1: really hard time, all right, So I think we have
Speaker 1: time for one more. Oh, it's a good question. Happens
Speaker 1: all the time. Dear doctor Wendy. After connecting with a
Speaker 1: man on hinge he said he was six feet tall,
Speaker 1: but when we met he was five foot nine. Do
Speaker 1: I acknowledge his lie because I really don't like liars?
Speaker 1: Or should I be sensitive to his insecurity? What an
Speaker 1: excellent question. First of all, you should know that everybody
Speaker 1: lies at the beginning of dating relationships. They shouldn't be
Speaker 1: lying on dating apps because you haven't even met the
Speaker 1: person yet. But part of human mating strategy is to
Speaker 1: sort of make yourself seem like you are just the
Speaker 1: most high value mate out there, right, So men more
Speaker 1: often are likely to lie about their height and their income.
Speaker 1: Women are more likely to lie about their age and
Speaker 1: their weight. Men don't like it when we lie, We
Speaker 1: don't like it when they lie. In fact, there was
Speaker 1: research done a few years ago by the Kinsey Institute
Speaker 1: and they said that the number one thing people hated
Speaker 1: about online dating were the lies that people said in
Speaker 1: their profiles, Because, just like you're pointing out, how can
Speaker 1: you trust them with anything if the whole relationship begins
Speaker 1: with a lie. So the answer is you bring it up,
Speaker 1: but you don't say you're a liar. We don't want
Speaker 1: to call people names. You might say something like, hey,
Speaker 1: it's really great getting to know you. I just want
Speaker 1: to bring up something because it's kind of been on
Speaker 1: my mind. You know, in your profile you said you
Speaker 1: were six feet tall, and you sure act it. You
Speaker 1: got tall man energy, that's for sure. See a little
Speaker 1: compliment there, Get that, and then say, but you're really not.
Speaker 1: And so I wonder, like it makes me have a
Speaker 1: weird feeling, like I wonder what else you could be
Speaker 1: lying about, and just use this gentle conversation to open
Speaker 1: the door to exploration. If he says, yeah, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I just knew you wouldn't search for me if it
Speaker 1: was that height, and I'm sorry. Okay. If he gets
Speaker 1: defensive and angry about it, then you know he doesn't
Speaker 1: have enough self confidence to have a healthy relationshipbody. Okay,
Speaker 1: but it's all in the delivery, honey, all in the delivery,
Speaker 1: all right? When we come back, where are we going
Speaker 1: after this? Ooh? There is one thing that breaks up
Speaker 1: relationships more than anything else, and I know it's my kombucha,
Speaker 1: my throat. I know you're thinking it's sex and money,
Speaker 1: but it's something else. When we come back, you are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 5: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know,
Speaker 1: people break up for all kinds of reasons. Often it
Speaker 1: has to do with money and sex, right, financial problems,
Speaker 1: or which is not sexually compatible, I'm not attracted to
Speaker 1: him anymore or her anymore or whatever.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: But you know what, if you think those are the
Speaker 1: only two reasons that people most often break up or cheating, whatever,
Speaker 1: you know what it really is. It's boredom. Boredom people
Speaker 1: get bored. I've said it one hundred thousand times. I'll
Speaker 1: say it again. When till Death Do us part was invented,
Speaker 1: death was pretty imminent because of our very long life expectancies,
Speaker 1: we are going to see two or three long stint
Speaker 1: of monogamy in our life. Now, don'ty mail, don't call me.
Speaker 1: If you've been married thirty forty years, good for you. You
Speaker 1: are the minority, and I'm very proud of you. And
Speaker 1: maybe you are lucky enough to both have a secure
Speaker 1: attachment style and have those exciting, lustful chemicals for the
Speaker 1: whole time. Good for you, that's great. The rest of
Speaker 1: us have to do a little bit of work. There
Speaker 1: are all kinds of reasons for staying together in a
Speaker 1: long term relationship, like making an intellectual decision to stay together.
Speaker 1: Maybe you've got kids in the nest. A lot of
Speaker 1: research out there to say that staying together for the
Speaker 1: kids is actually a really good idea for the kids. Okay,
Speaker 1: and aren't they you? They're your genes, right. That's one
Speaker 1: good reason to stick it out. The other reason is
Speaker 1: maybe you're facing an empty nest or have experienced an
Speaker 1: empty neest recently, and now it's time for you to
Speaker 1: repurpose your boring relationship. Maybe it's time for you, guys,
Speaker 1: to rewrite your relationship contract. I think boredom is the
Speaker 1: enemy of love. So let's talk about ways that you
Speaker 1: can get out of your funk, get out of your
Speaker 1: boring relationship without stepping out on your person, without threatening
Speaker 1: the relationship. Number one, remember why you're there, Remember your goal.
Speaker 1: Relationships aren't about individual pleasure, they're what the relationship can
Speaker 1: actually re seing these kids, et cetera. But if you
Speaker 1: guys have just stopped being kind to each other, then
Speaker 1: there's something else going on that you need to talk about,
Speaker 1: because you need to rewrite the script and you need
Speaker 1: to plan for a new goal, like what's coming up next.
Speaker 1: I also want to say this, if you've bored in
Speaker 1: your relationship, I don't care if you've been together two
Speaker 1: years or twenty years. You need to be together to
Speaker 1: maintain the connection. And when I say be together, I
Speaker 1: don't just mean stop traveling so much on business, stop
Speaker 1: going to see your families, come home to your person.
Speaker 1: I also mean when you're in the same house, spend
Speaker 1: more time in the same room. Spend more time in
Speaker 1: the same share you see. When you're struggling to maintain
Speaker 1: an emotional connection with somebody, it's really common for people
Speaker 1: to literally end up in different rooms, watching TV, playing
Speaker 1: with the computer, whatever. So my personal advice is try
Speaker 1: to spend some time every evening being together. If you
Speaker 1: are watching TV, okay, fine, but wrap your legs around
Speaker 1: each other, cuddle together in that one chair on that sofa.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: If one partner has work to do, bring your work
Speaker 1: into the same room, be in each other's space so
Speaker 1: you can break down the walls of silence so you
Speaker 1: can start to reconnect. Now, I also have three little
Speaker 1: pieces of advice that you're going to find I hope interesting.
Speaker 1: They go like this. Treat your partner like a stranger,
Speaker 1: Treat your partner like an intimate, and treat your partner
Speaker 1: like a baby. Let me explain. Treat your partner like
Speaker 1: you would treat a stranger in your home. Say good morning,
Speaker 1: say good night, ask them how they are, say please
Speaker 1: pass the thank you very much, give them the respect
Speaker 1: that you would give a house guest. And if you
Speaker 1: are rolling your eyes when you heard me say that,
Speaker 1: like do you have to do that for whom? Yeah?
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: If remember water what you want to grow in your garden,
Speaker 1: don't water the weeds. So treat them like a stranger
Speaker 1: in your house, just like a house guest. Okay. At
Speaker 1: the same time, treat them like they're an intimate. If
Speaker 1: you've been using pet names in the past, it's time
Speaker 1: to get back to that. Hey, love, how you doing, baby,
Speaker 1: oh my sweetie, oh my little schnooky whatever you called
Speaker 1: him or her, I don't care. Get back to the
Speaker 1: pet names, be intimate, and treat them like a baby.
Speaker 1: You know, emotional intimacy is really a contract that says,
Speaker 1: I'll be your mommy if you'll be mine. In our
Speaker 1: most intimate state, when we're the most vulnerable, that's when
Speaker 1: we do our soft, little baby talk. Your living room
Speaker 1: should not not sound like a boardroom or a boring room.
Speaker 1: If you're bored in your relationship, get back to the cutesy,
Speaker 1: cuddly days, the early days. I've said this before, I'm
Speaker 1: going to say it again. Catch your partner being good
Speaker 1: more often than you catch them being bad. You get
Speaker 1: more flies with honey. If you are being critical all
Speaker 1: the time, who wants to be around you. Catch them
Speaker 1: being good. Look for positive behavior, comment on it instead
Speaker 1: of always criticizing what you don't like. Remember it is
Speaker 1: not your job to change anybody. It is your job
Speaker 1: to change your reaction to their behavior. And Finally, two
Speaker 1: things that the research supports like crazy for long term,
Speaker 1: happy monogamous couples. One those who remember when stay together
Speaker 1: for a really long time. Nostalgia is the superpower of
Speaker 1: long term lovers. Pull out pictures, photo albums, videos, talk
Speaker 1: about places you've been, talk about the early days when
Speaker 1: you fell in love. Keep that nostalgia alive. But having
Speaker 1: said that, don't just live in the past. Create some novelty.
Speaker 1: If you are bored in your relationship, then you're a
Speaker 1: boring person. Get that partner out into something exciting in
Speaker 1: the world. Whether it is a new sport you take
Speaker 1: up together, a new hobby, whether it's a new place
Speaker 1: you travel to. Just get out there and put your
Speaker 1: partner in a different light, in a different setting, and
Speaker 1: they will look new and novel to you. Literally, create
Speaker 1: novelty all the time in your relationship, so you don't
Speaker 1: get bored, all right, when we come back. The worst
Speaker 1: piece of relationship advice ever, and yet people give this
Speaker 1: advice all the time. It's the worst. I'll talk about
Speaker 1: it when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 5: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Goodness, welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show. I am doctor Wendy Walsh. You know
Speaker 1: I'm here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm.
Speaker 1: And my sweet spot is the science of love. You know,
Speaker 1: a lot of people like to give relationship advice. If
Speaker 1: you go on to social media. There are so many
Speaker 1: so called relationship experts. There are so many dating coaches.
Speaker 1: There are lots of therapists as well. Listen to somebody
Speaker 1: if they're a licensed therapist. I will say that. But
Speaker 1: there's there is one piece of advice that I'm going
Speaker 1: to share with you in a minute, and I hear
Speaker 1: it all the time. Before I tell you what that
Speaker 1: advice is, I have to tell you a little story
Speaker 1: so you know, because I keep talking about it. I
Speaker 1: got Mary, Yeah, a little over a month ago now,
Speaker 1: and I found my wedding to be completely happy, contentment, excitement,
Speaker 1: not so much because of my new husband there, but
Speaker 1: because I had friends and family member members literally from
Speaker 1: the very beginning of my life, my brothers to where
Speaker 1: I am now, colleagues and every friend and stage of
Speaker 1: life friend in between. And when I got them all
Speaker 1: in one room, big party, dancing, and every time I
Speaker 1: turned my head and looked one direction or another, I'd
Speaker 1: see somebody I loved for one reason or another, I
Speaker 1: felt complete. You see, it is in the presence of
Speaker 1: another person where you realize who you really are. So
Speaker 1: here's the big bad relationship advice that I hear all
Speaker 1: the time touted on the internet. It is, you know,
Speaker 1: you need to spend some time I'm alone. You need
Speaker 1: to grow and heal before you can enter a relationship.
Speaker 1: You need to know who you are and learn to
Speaker 1: be strong. All right, here's what alone time is. It
Speaker 1: is avoiding. You can't go sit on the side of
Speaker 1: a mountain and meditate every day and come back with
Speaker 1: better relationship skills because you haven't had a gymnasium of
Speaker 1: the mind a relationship to work out with. Right In
Speaker 1: some ways, alone time is selfish time. You're not growing,
Speaker 1: You're just taking care of your own needs. I mentioned
Speaker 1: to Julio was away this week. He was in New
Speaker 1: York at a funeral, and I decided to pamper myself.
Speaker 1: I got a massage, got a manicure, when worked out,
Speaker 1: did La pilates. One night, I walked to a five
Speaker 1: star restaurant, no restaurants to go put the stars like
Speaker 1: that three star restaurant and ordered take out like a
Speaker 1: super expensive stake, just ta get home and drank it.
Speaker 1: With a glass of sh campaign. But myself it was great.
Speaker 1: I didn't grow, I didn't become a better person, didn't
Speaker 1: learn any relationship skills there. I just had some selfish time.
Speaker 1: You see, we can't grow unless we have someone to
Speaker 1: bounce ourselves off of. Hey. One of the reasons why
Speaker 1: solitary confinement in our prison system is so dangerous, and
Speaker 1: there's quite a movement on to try to get it
Speaker 1: completely removed as severe human torture is because during those
Speaker 1: days and weeks and months of solitary confinement, the mental
Speaker 1: illness comes because we lose a part of ourselves. We
Speaker 1: forget who we are if it's not in relation to others.
Speaker 1: You know, one reason that romantic breakups are so difficult
Speaker 1: is that we lose a part of our identity. Our
Speaker 1: relationships are not hard boundaries, they're blurry parts of us
Speaker 1: where we bleed onto others. We choose the people around
Speaker 1: us who reflect the best parts of us. I hope,
Speaker 1: And so now I do want to say one little exception.
Speaker 1: I would be remiss if I did not say this
Speaker 1: one exception. I think it is really bad relationship advice
Speaker 1: to say that somebody must spend time alone to grow
Speaker 1: and heal before they enter a relationship unless they're recovering
Speaker 1: from addiction. Very clearly, you shouldn't have a relationship for
Speaker 1: a year you need because relationships are just so triggering,
Speaker 1: like it's hard work and you don't want to run
Speaker 1: back to whatever substance you've used for your feelings and
Speaker 1: j LO, if you're listening, I think you should spend
Speaker 1: some time alone. I don't know the woman, I don't
Speaker 1: know what her attachment style is, but there are people
Speaker 1: out there who might have an anxious attachment style who
Speaker 1: quickly become enmeshed, and they go from one relation to
Speaker 1: which another, trying to hope to find feelings of security
Speaker 1: that just aren't always there.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 1: One of my favorite quotes I read recently is with
Speaker 1: the famous therapist Esther Perrell, and she says, you know,
Speaker 1: when a person feels challenged by a relationship, they might
Speaker 1: want to step back, saying they need to create more
Speaker 1: boundaries or that they're being triggered. But Esther Perrell says
Speaker 1: tension is actually a sign of a potentially healthy partnership,
Speaker 1: is something to work with, right So I think that
Speaker 1: right now, there's a little bit of selfishness out there
Speaker 1: in the world. We talk about self awareness, self realization,
Speaker 1: self fulfillment, self care, my self image. How about we
Speaker 1: and it's time to think about the other. That's how
Speaker 1: you learn to build a healthy relationship. And on that note,
Speaker 1: I wish you light and love with all your relationships
Speaker 1: this week. Remember I'm always here for you every Sunday
Speaker 1: from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me
Speaker 1: on my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh and you can also join my Patreon, which is
Speaker 1: fun patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. We do
Speaker 1: assume every Wednesday at six o'clock. A lot of KFI
Speaker 1: listeners on there. It's a fun little Group's not therapy.
Speaker 1: It's just like a book group. What are we talking about.
Speaker 1: We don't have a book though. We just talk about relationships.
Speaker 1: It's fun anyway. Good to see you, Nice to have
Speaker 1: you here. I'll see you next Sunday. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm
Speaker 1: on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.