WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.880 on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You at 4 00:00:09.880 --> 00:00:12.199 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 5 00:00:12.240 --> 00:00:15.000 Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. If 6 00:00:15.000 --> 00:00:16.920 you'd like to come and see what we're doing here 7 00:00:16.920 --> 00:00:19.359 in the studio, just log onto Instagram. My handle is 8 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:24.480 at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. No period. Okay, 9 00:00:24.519 --> 00:00:27.079 Producer Kayla, this is the time where I'm taking your calls. 10 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:29.800 If you have a relationship question, you're welcome to change 11 00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:34.159 your name, keep your yourself private, that's okay. The number 12 00:00:34.200 --> 00:00:37.799 is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. 13 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:42.039 That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, 14 00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:44.439 Producer Kayla. Who do we have first? We have Kelly 15 00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:49.200 with a question. Kelly, Hi, Kelly, it's doctor Wendy. Oh 16 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:51.240 my gosh, your show is great and thank you for 17 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:51.880 having the show. 18 00:00:52.039 --> 00:00:52.880 Thank you, Thank you. 19 00:00:53.039 --> 00:01:00.200 Kate. So, first date not really update encounter. Second on 20 00:01:00.200 --> 00:01:04.599 the first date, is there any hope for a relationship well, 21 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:07.920 you know, every time I say that, you know, if 22 00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:10.000 you have sex on a first date, you're probably sending 23 00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:13.040 the message that this is a short term relationship. Somebody 24 00:01:13.079 --> 00:01:15.799 will write to me and say, you know what, I 25 00:01:15.879 --> 00:01:18.319 hooked up with my wife on the first date and 26 00:01:18.359 --> 00:01:21.519 we've been together thirty eight years, and I'm like, oh, well, 27 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:24.959 maybe if it started in the eighties. The answer, Kelly, 28 00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:30.680 is whether you can establish emotional intimacy, because at the 29 00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:33.319 end of the day, if you have sex on a 30 00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.079 first date, you're basically saying this is just about sex. 31 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:39.519 But if you can talk to them and say, hey, 32 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:42.200 I don't usually do that, or I sometimes do that, 33 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:44.439 but I feel like this could be more. I'm having 34 00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:47.000 strong feelings towards you. This was great. Could you know, 35 00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:50.239 could we kind of reset a little bit and start 36 00:01:50.280 --> 00:01:52.640 talking and get to know each other. They might be 37 00:01:52.719 --> 00:01:57.280 open to it, they might be open to having a relationship. 38 00:01:57.560 --> 00:02:01.319 But in general, the rule is if you engage in 39 00:02:01.400 --> 00:02:04.079 sex on a first date, then everybody's got what they 40 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:06.680 needed and they move along. There's no build up. And 41 00:02:06.680 --> 00:02:09.280 I've done it, by the way, I've been heartbroken by it. 42 00:02:09.479 --> 00:02:11.800 I remember a guy said to me one I wanted 43 00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:15.039 to court. You dude, why are you like making it 44 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:16.719 seem like it's all my fault. You were the one 45 00:02:16.719 --> 00:02:20.599 that moved to so Kelly maybe is my answer, big 46 00:02:20.680 --> 00:02:23.960 fat maybe. Thank you so much for calling. Okay, producer Kayla, 47 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:25.759 who do we have next? We have Alex with the 48 00:02:25.840 --> 00:02:29.639 question Alex, Hi, Alex is doctor Wendy. 49 00:02:29.680 --> 00:02:30.879 Hello, how are you good? 50 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:31.800 What's your question? Love? 51 00:02:32.919 --> 00:02:35.000 So it's kind of a two parter, but they kind 52 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:38.919 of feed into each other, okay, because yeah, So basically 53 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:42.159 the first question is were the effects of the divorce 54 00:02:42.199 --> 00:02:45.319 on children? And when do you know a marriage can't 55 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:47.120 be saved? And the whole point of asking is my 56 00:02:47.199 --> 00:02:50.639 parents divorced when I was very young, and I kind 57 00:02:50.639 --> 00:02:54.159 of wonder, well, you know, what could they have done 58 00:02:54.879 --> 00:02:57.639 to save, if anything at all, and would that even 59 00:02:57.680 --> 00:03:01.400 be better for me and by when we grew up if. 60 00:03:01.240 --> 00:03:05.080 They had Well, of course I wasn't living in your family, Alex, 61 00:03:05.159 --> 00:03:07.919 so I didn't see what went on. Because sometimes there 62 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:11.840 are toxic nests for kids where there are you know, 63 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:17.039 domestic violence and alcohol abuse and drug abuse and child 64 00:03:17.080 --> 00:03:21.159 you know, child corporal punishment hitting kids around basically, and 65 00:03:21.240 --> 00:03:24.960 so in that case, parents divorcing like one good, solid, stable, 66 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:28.800 loving parent is always better than two. On the other hand, 67 00:03:28.840 --> 00:03:31.319 the research does show that staying together for the kids 68 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:34.439 is often a good idea. If parents can put their 69 00:03:34.439 --> 00:03:38.000 adult needs aside and make the needs of the children. 70 00:03:38.080 --> 00:03:39.800 That's the key. You have to make the needs of 71 00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:43.479 the children a priority. But your second question, how do 72 00:03:43.520 --> 00:03:46.159 you know if you've done everything you can and the 73 00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:49.960 marriage should have ended or should end? You could only 74 00:03:50.080 --> 00:03:54.120 know that by doing the work with a licensed clinical therapist. 75 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:58.000 You need to have outside eyes. You need to spend 76 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:01.360 some time doing some conscious uncom bling or conscious getting 77 00:04:01.400 --> 00:04:06.759 back together. But you can't unless, as I said, the 78 00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:10.520 relationship is so toxic that there's been drug or alcohol abuse, 79 00:04:10.560 --> 00:04:13.639 that there's been domestic violence, that there's been chronic chronic, 80 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:17.920 chronic cheating that's not going away. Then you know it 81 00:04:17.959 --> 00:04:21.480 can't it can't work. But thank you. It's a good question, Alex. Okay, 82 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:23.319 who do we have next? Producer calein, we have a 83 00:04:23.399 --> 00:04:26.439 talk back with an interesting question. Talk back that's where 84 00:04:26.480 --> 00:04:29.279 our listeners record a message, which you can do on 85 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:32.040 the iHeartRadio app. Okay, go ahead, you. 86 00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:34.759 Know I'm going to be seventy this year. And I'm 87 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:37.480 just so confused. I don't know how to address black 88 00:04:37.519 --> 00:04:41.800 people anymore. You know, I'm not a racist, but I 89 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:46.079 said great neighbors that are black, And you know, is 90 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:49.560 it like people of color? Is it like African American? 91 00:04:50.240 --> 00:04:53.399 Is like black people? I know it's not the N word, 92 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:56.720 but I don't know what to do anymore. 93 00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:01.920 That is so honest, and I actually I'm sorry, producer, Kayla, 94 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:03.360 but there's some sweetness to that. 95 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:04.319 Don't be sorry. 96 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:05.240 I thought it was very innocent. 97 00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:07.879 I don't think he's I don't think he's asking me 98 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:10.720 how to talk to black people. He means how to 99 00:05:10.879 --> 00:05:14.879 refer to the group of people of color? Right, and 100 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:17.199 he went through a laundry list. Do I call people 101 00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:19.480 of colored people of color? Do I call him African American? 102 00:05:19.519 --> 00:05:21.600 Do they call them black? I can't answer that question. 103 00:05:21.639 --> 00:05:24.360 I mean, I do have mixed race children, so I 104 00:05:24.360 --> 00:05:27.439 could probably say what they would say. But Kayla, why 105 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:28.600 don't you answer this question? 106 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:32.240 Well, I can't speak for all black people, but I 107 00:05:32.279 --> 00:05:34.000 definitely don't like being referred to as colored. 108 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:34.800 Don't call me that. 109 00:05:36.160 --> 00:05:38.519 I don't mind being called black or African American though, 110 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:40.360 or beautiful, wonderful. 111 00:05:42.680 --> 00:05:46.680 Yeah, I think those are the most socially acceptable black 112 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:51.360 or African American right right now, in this time. Okay, 113 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:54.279 all right, so if you'd like to call in, the 114 00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:57.800 number is one eight hundred five two zero one five 115 00:05:57.879 --> 00:06:00.759 three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero one 116 00:06:00.920 --> 00:06:02.759 five three four. I do want to take a moment 117 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:04.920 and go to social media because people have been sending 118 00:06:04.920 --> 00:06:07.279 me dms as well, and I want to make sure 119 00:06:07.279 --> 00:06:09.800 I get a few of those in. All right, here's 120 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:15.439 one that producer Kayla just slipped to me. Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, 121 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:17.959 this is a heartbreaking one. How do I deal with 122 00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:21.720 not being chosen? It's never me? I date men for 123 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:25.600 months who claim they don't want a relationship, then they 124 00:06:25.639 --> 00:06:30.680 get in one and it's never me. It hurts so badly. Okay, 125 00:06:30.800 --> 00:06:33.279 I'm gonna a couple things I want to address you. 126 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:37.199 There are two kinds of ways to look at the world. 127 00:06:38.079 --> 00:06:40.360 You can look at the world as a glass half full, 128 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:43.040 or you can look at the world as a glass 129 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:46.800 half empty. And I would suspect, by the way you 130 00:06:46.839 --> 00:06:50.000 worded all of this that you are more of a 131 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:56.600 pessimist who looks at the world as a glass half empty. 132 00:06:57.120 --> 00:07:03.199 So I'm gonna say it's not about you, and going 133 00:07:03.199 --> 00:07:05.079 to a therapist to build your self esteem is the 134 00:07:05.079 --> 00:07:07.879 first bit of advice I'd have for you. But there's 135 00:07:07.879 --> 00:07:12.639 something else I'm hearing you say, I date men for 136 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:17.519 months who claim they don't want a relationship. I want 137 00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:22.160 to gently say, that's on you. We have to listen 138 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:26.879 to people's words. If they say they don't want a relationship, 139 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:31.160 we shouldn't stay in it and try to convince them. Otherwise, 140 00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:35.120 if somebody says I want to break up, or I 141 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:37.680 want a divorce, or I'm happy to have sex with you, 142 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:41.160 but I don't want a romantic relationship, then you've got 143 00:07:41.160 --> 00:07:46.560 to believe those words. I will tell you truthfully that 144 00:07:46.680 --> 00:07:49.079 happened to me. There was a person in my life 145 00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:51.480 for almost a decade who was on again, off again 146 00:07:51.560 --> 00:07:55.879 playboy who I loved so deeply. Again, I didn't really 147 00:07:55.959 --> 00:07:59.839 love him. He was the convenient object from my early 148 00:07:59.839 --> 00:08:02.399 life life, longing in trauma for my dad who was 149 00:08:02.439 --> 00:08:05.160 away in the Navy on ships, and I was missing him, 150 00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:08.319 and he behaved with He was a submariner, not my dad. 151 00:08:08.519 --> 00:08:10.839 This guy he would go down and up, well, he 152 00:08:10.879 --> 00:08:17.399 also went down. It Kyla HeLa, Oh my god, I'm 153 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:20.560 just saying he disappeared and then he would resurface. That's 154 00:08:20.600 --> 00:08:23.759 all I said. Well, I don't know what you heard there, producer, Kayla, 155 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:29.639 why are you laughing so hard? You know? But anyway, 156 00:08:30.160 --> 00:08:33.320 one day he said to me, I don't think I 157 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:36.000 can have a romantic relationship with you. And this is 158 00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:39.440 the person I've been sleeping with. Right, it felt just 159 00:08:39.600 --> 00:08:43.960 hearing those words felt like the only way I can 160 00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:48.000 describe it is it felt like a train rolling over 161 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:53.000 from my body from the toes up, this feeling of vibration, 162 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:57.080 of deep pain, and I start. I remember I was 163 00:08:57.159 --> 00:09:00.000 driving my car very unsafe, pull over if this ever happened, 164 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:03.960 and I was crying so hard. I was shaking and 165 00:09:04.080 --> 00:09:07.480 crying so hard, and I cried for like days hearing 166 00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:12.480 those words. I mean, if he's listening, please no, thank you, 167 00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:16.120 thank you, because it was those words that sent me 168 00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:19.639 to a therapist. It was those words with the goods 169 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.360 in my case, a psychoanalytic therapist or I love dearly 170 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:26.360 to this day, who helped me understand that this feeling 171 00:09:26.519 --> 00:09:29.840 did not belong in this day, this feeling did not 172 00:09:30.039 --> 00:09:33.960 belong with this man. This feeling was a very ancient 173 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:38.559 feeling that needed to be processed. But I know the 174 00:09:38.600 --> 00:09:42.080 feeling you're in when you say why don't they pick you? 175 00:09:42.200 --> 00:09:44.399 And you get in relationships with them and then they 176 00:09:44.399 --> 00:09:48.039 say they don't want a relationship. Oh yeah, yeah, yah ya, 177 00:09:48.279 --> 00:09:50.120 I know how much it hurts. Hey. When we come back, 178 00:09:50.120 --> 00:09:54.039 I'm going to continue going to my dms. Also, if 179 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:56.360 you'd like to, you can do a talk back. How 180 00:09:56.360 --> 00:09:58.159 do they do a talk about Kayla? They have to 181 00:09:58.200 --> 00:09:59.399 download the iHeartRadio app. 182 00:09:59.399 --> 00:10:01.399 There's a little Mi cphone in the left hand corner 183 00:10:01.399 --> 00:10:03.320 and they can record a thirty second message. 184 00:10:03.399 --> 00:10:05.840 Okay, So you download the iHeartRadio app and then search 185 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:09.679 KFI first KFI AM six forty AIM six forty and 186 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:12.600 then upper left there's a little microphone. You can at 187 00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:15.519 any time do that anytime during the week, record that 188 00:10:15.600 --> 00:10:18.000 and producer Kayla, we'll get it. Say here I have 189 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:20.679 a question for Doctor Wendy and she'll keep them all 190 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:22.320 and then we can play them on Sundays, which is 191 00:10:22.360 --> 00:10:25.080 always fun. Anyway, we'll be back after this. You're listening 192 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:27.399 to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six 193 00:10:27.480 --> 00:10:30.399 forty one Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 194 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:35.600 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 195 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:36.639 AM six forty. 196 00:10:38.279 --> 00:10:40.639 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show i KFI 197 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:44.759 AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, 198 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:46.799 I want to go to my social media now, because 199 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:49.320 so many of you do send me dms with your 200 00:10:49.320 --> 00:10:54.080 relationship question and questions, and I am honored that you 201 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:56.679 do so so and I will protect your privacy. I'm 202 00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:00.200 never going to say your handle or your name or anything. 203 00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:02.919 And even when I read your questions out, I sometimes 204 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:06.159 change the gender, the age, the occupation, whatever. I did. 205 00:11:06.200 --> 00:11:08.759 Just think we all need to be protected. All right, 206 00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:11.320 here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. I was hooking up 207 00:11:11.360 --> 00:11:14.440 with a man who wouldn't make me his girlfriend because 208 00:11:14.440 --> 00:11:18.519 he wanted to finalize his divorce before starting something new 209 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:24.000 with me. Note to woman, he's already started something new 210 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:28.360 with you. Okay, As she continues, I respected his wishes. 211 00:11:29.159 --> 00:11:32.440 Uh oh. We ended up pregnant after a few months, 212 00:11:33.080 --> 00:11:36.039 and now his treatment of me has completely changed. He's 213 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:39.360 drawing clear lines that I am the mother of his child, 214 00:11:39.440 --> 00:11:43.240 not his girlfriend. He's become cold. He still wants to 215 00:11:43.279 --> 00:11:46.480 sleep over and sleep with me. But it's very complicated. Now. 216 00:11:47.159 --> 00:11:50.519 How can I enforce more clear boundaries or found out 217 00:11:50.519 --> 00:11:53.240 how he wants to move forward as a family, whether 218 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.559 we co parent or we're together. Okay, So I just 219 00:11:56.559 --> 00:11:59.360 want to say one thing. You have given this man 220 00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:06.360 way too much power. You shared your body, your bloodstream, 221 00:12:06.799 --> 00:12:11.039 your eggs with him before he was able to even 222 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:15.240 commit to you. Right. I always say that women should 223 00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:18.320 only have blue chip sex. That's a good stock that 224 00:12:18.360 --> 00:12:21.799 they trade for the highest price you can ever charge 225 00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:27.639 for sex, which is care and commitment. So I'm so 226 00:12:27.759 --> 00:12:33.000 sorry to tell you that that's happened your chances. I 227 00:12:33.080 --> 00:12:36.399 can hear in your words that you're pining away for 228 00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:38.879 him to suddenly say, my divorce is final. Let's you 229 00:12:38.919 --> 00:12:41.399 and I get married and make a nuclear family. And 230 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:43.440 you deserve it because you're the princess who's been waiting 231 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:47.600 for me all this time. Thank you, baby, That's not 232 00:12:47.720 --> 00:12:53.240 going to happen. I'm sorry. So here's what I suggest 233 00:12:53.240 --> 00:12:55.840 for you. You have a lot coming up in your future, 234 00:12:55.879 --> 00:12:57.759 and you need to have some professionals around you. I 235 00:12:57.759 --> 00:12:59.440 don't know who your social support is, I don't know 236 00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:01.240 who your family members are if they can be there 237 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:04.799 for you. You definitely need a lawyer, and you definitely 238 00:13:04.879 --> 00:13:07.840 need a licensed therapist, and you need to reach out that. Look, 239 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:09.879 if you can't afford it, you call your health insurance 240 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:13.519 and you find out what therapists they cover. You need 241 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:16.639 to excuse me, you need to at least call a 242 00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:20.960 lawyer and pay for a one hour session where you 243 00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:23.720 just ask a bunch of questions to make sure that 244 00:13:23.840 --> 00:13:28.159 you and your child are protected. Because the fact that 245 00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:33.399 you say he's become a bit cold tells me that no, 246 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.759 it's it's not going to be what you dream it's 247 00:13:36.840 --> 00:13:39.639 going to be. I'm so sorry, baby, but you know what, 248 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.679 You're being given an amazing gift of a beautiful little 249 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:46.679 angel who's coming into your life. So I want you 250 00:13:46.720 --> 00:13:49.279 to focus on that angel and how you can make 251 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:53.000 the best life for them. Oh, thank you for writing 252 00:13:53.879 --> 00:13:58.759 makes me sad? All right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. 253 00:13:58.840 --> 00:14:02.399 My girlfriend has male best friend. Woo maybe a threat 254 00:14:02.440 --> 00:14:06.039 to you. We'll see. We've been together eight months and 255 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:09.200 her male best friend's birthday is the day after mine. 256 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:13.080 She wants to do I love it. I'm sorry. I'm 257 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:16.200 reading this sentence and I'm already laughing because I'm like, girl, 258 00:14:16.879 --> 00:14:21.480 you are brave. She wants to do a joint celebration 259 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:26.440 when I spent fifteen hundred dollars on her birthday celebration. 260 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:30.159 I don't want to sound jealous or controlling, but this 261 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:34.639 is unacceptable. How do I address this? Well, you don't 262 00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:38.159 have to sound jealous, you don't have to sound controlling. 263 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:42.159 You can just talk about you and what your needs are. 264 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:47.120 So it's perfectly okay to say, hey, great idea, but 265 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:50.960 no thanks, I'd rather celebrate my birthday privately with you, 266 00:14:51.559 --> 00:14:54.360 just as I did for your birthday. That would have 267 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:56.639 more meaning for me. And that's it. You don't have 268 00:14:56.679 --> 00:14:59.200 to give a whole bunch of other whatever. And she said, no, 269 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:01.279 I just want to do it joint. Then you can 270 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:02.639 just move on and say, you know I'm gonna a 271 00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:05.840 celebrate my birthday with someone else? Then right, Just set 272 00:15:05.879 --> 00:15:08.720 your boundaries. You don't have to convince her you have 273 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:11.679 the right way. Just do what's best for you. Take 274 00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:17.559 care of you. I don't like this. Dear doctor, Wendy, 275 00:15:17.799 --> 00:15:20.919 my fiance is going through a tough time. Her brother, 276 00:15:21.080 --> 00:15:23.879 Oh dear, was just diagnosed with stage four cancer. Oh, 277 00:15:23.960 --> 00:15:27.279 I'm so sorry she's taking her pain out on me. 278 00:15:27.960 --> 00:15:31.399 We've been together seven years, but I'm starting to resent 279 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:34.559 her attitude. How do I handle this? My future wife 280 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:38.200 needs to be able to handle her emotions. Okay, I 281 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:42.799 heard a lovely, lovely sentence that a therapist told me 282 00:15:42.879 --> 00:15:45.919 at a social event recently. Therapists hang out with therapists 283 00:15:45.960 --> 00:15:49.840 and radio hosts and psychology professors. And actually this is 284 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.080 a birthday party for a sex therapist. Don't ask me 285 00:15:52.120 --> 00:15:54.080 what went on there, nos, it was like it was 286 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:59.879 fun anyway. She said that when she's being kind of 287 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:03.080 she and not great, her husband has a line he 288 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:07.799 uses with her, and he says, please be more gentle 289 00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:12.679 with my wife. Please treat my wife kinder. And so 290 00:16:12.720 --> 00:16:16.159 I'm thinking there's a version of this. She's taking out 291 00:16:16.159 --> 00:16:21.159 her pain on you. But you could even say, I 292 00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:23.879 want you to treat your husband a little more kindly 293 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:28.480 because he loves you. Something like that. Just sort of 294 00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:33.399 let her know that she's being particularly hard on you. Also, 295 00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:36.679 do cut her some slack. It is a really, really, 296 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:39.720 really hard time, all right, So I think we have 297 00:16:39.759 --> 00:16:45.360 time for one more. Oh, it's a good question. Happens 298 00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:48.159 all the time. Dear doctor Wendy. After connecting with a 299 00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:51.159 man on hinge he said he was six feet tall, 300 00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:53.879 but when we met he was five foot nine. Do 301 00:16:53.960 --> 00:16:57.679 I acknowledge his lie because I really don't like liars? 302 00:16:58.080 --> 00:17:02.200 Or should I be sensitive to his insecurity? What an 303 00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:05.079 excellent question. First of all, you should know that everybody 304 00:17:05.119 --> 00:17:08.200 lies at the beginning of dating relationships. They shouldn't be 305 00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:10.960 lying on dating apps because you haven't even met the 306 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:14.480 person yet. But part of human mating strategy is to 307 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.160 sort of make yourself seem like you are just the 308 00:17:17.200 --> 00:17:21.000 most high value mate out there, right, So men more 309 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:25.400 often are likely to lie about their height and their income. 310 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:28.759 Women are more likely to lie about their age and 311 00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:31.359 their weight. Men don't like it when we lie, We 312 00:17:31.440 --> 00:17:33.200 don't like it when they lie. In fact, there was 313 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:36.359 research done a few years ago by the Kinsey Institute 314 00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:40.480 and they said that the number one thing people hated 315 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:43.839 about online dating were the lies that people said in 316 00:17:43.880 --> 00:17:49.200 their profiles, Because, just like you're pointing out, how can 317 00:17:49.240 --> 00:17:52.680 you trust them with anything if the whole relationship begins 318 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.759 with a lie. So the answer is you bring it up, 319 00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:58.680 but you don't say you're a liar. We don't want 320 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:02.839 to call people names. You might say something like, hey, 321 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:05.799 it's really great getting to know you. I just want 322 00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:08.839 to bring up something because it's kind of been on 323 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:13.759 my mind. You know, in your profile you said you 324 00:18:13.759 --> 00:18:17.279 were six feet tall, and you sure act it. You 325 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:20.119 got tall man energy, that's for sure. See a little 326 00:18:20.119 --> 00:18:23.559 compliment there, Get that, and then say, but you're really not. 327 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:28.119 And so I wonder, like it makes me have a 328 00:18:28.119 --> 00:18:30.680 weird feeling, like I wonder what else you could be 329 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:36.920 lying about, and just use this gentle conversation to open 330 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:40.480 the door to exploration. If he says, yeah, I'm sorry, 331 00:18:40.519 --> 00:18:42.079 I just knew you wouldn't search for me if it 332 00:18:42.119 --> 00:18:44.640 was that height, and I'm sorry. Okay. If he gets 333 00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:48.000 defensive and angry about it, then you know he doesn't 334 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:51.240 have enough self confidence to have a healthy relationshipbody. Okay, 335 00:18:51.240 --> 00:18:55.440 but it's all in the delivery, honey, all in the delivery, 336 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.200 all right? When we come back, where are we going 337 00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:03.799 after this? Ooh? There is one thing that breaks up 338 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:09.759 relationships more than anything else, and I know it's my kombucha, 339 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:13.559 my throat. I know you're thinking it's sex and money, 340 00:19:14.400 --> 00:19:17.559 but it's something else. When we come back, you are 341 00:19:17.599 --> 00:19:20.240 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 342 00:19:20.279 --> 00:19:23.200 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 343 00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:27.920 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 344 00:19:28.079 --> 00:19:29.039 AM six forty. 345 00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.519 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 346 00:19:32.680 --> 00:19:37.200 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know, 347 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:41.279 people break up for all kinds of reasons. Often it 348 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:45.599 has to do with money and sex, right, financial problems, 349 00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:49.119 or which is not sexually compatible, I'm not attracted to 350 00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:51.000 him anymore or her anymore or whatever. 351 00:19:51.119 --> 00:19:51.359 Right. 352 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:54.599 But you know what, if you think those are the 353 00:19:54.640 --> 00:19:59.279 only two reasons that people most often break up or cheating, whatever, 354 00:20:00.039 --> 00:20:05.960 you know what it really is. It's boredom. Boredom people 355 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:10.279 get bored. I've said it one hundred thousand times. I'll 356 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:14.799 say it again. When till Death Do us part was invented, 357 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:19.839 death was pretty imminent because of our very long life expectancies, 358 00:20:20.839 --> 00:20:23.680 we are going to see two or three long stint 359 00:20:23.720 --> 00:20:26.640 of monogamy in our life. Now, don'ty mail, don't call me. 360 00:20:26.680 --> 00:20:31.119 If you've been married thirty forty years, good for you. You 361 00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:33.160 are the minority, and I'm very proud of you. And 362 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:35.079 maybe you are lucky enough to both have a secure 363 00:20:35.079 --> 00:20:40.359 attachment style and have those exciting, lustful chemicals for the 364 00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:43.720 whole time. Good for you, that's great. The rest of 365 00:20:43.759 --> 00:20:45.880 us have to do a little bit of work. There 366 00:20:45.880 --> 00:20:51.160 are all kinds of reasons for staying together in a 367 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:56.119 long term relationship, like making an intellectual decision to stay together. 368 00:20:57.559 --> 00:21:00.359 Maybe you've got kids in the nest. A lot of 369 00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:03.200 research out there to say that staying together for the 370 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:07.400 kids is actually a really good idea for the kids. Okay, 371 00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:13.400 and aren't they you? They're your genes, right. That's one 372 00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:16.960 good reason to stick it out. The other reason is 373 00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:19.880 maybe you're facing an empty nest or have experienced an 374 00:21:19.920 --> 00:21:22.839 empty neest recently, and now it's time for you to 375 00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:27.640 repurpose your boring relationship. Maybe it's time for you, guys, 376 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:32.880 to rewrite your relationship contract. I think boredom is the 377 00:21:33.240 --> 00:21:37.839 enemy of love. So let's talk about ways that you 378 00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:40.319 can get out of your funk, get out of your 379 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:45.039 boring relationship without stepping out on your person, without threatening 380 00:21:45.240 --> 00:21:52.319 the relationship. Number one, remember why you're there, Remember your goal. 381 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:59.440 Relationships aren't about individual pleasure, they're what the relationship can 382 00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:03.200 actually re seing these kids, et cetera. But if you 383 00:22:03.240 --> 00:22:07.400 guys have just stopped being kind to each other, then 384 00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:10.079 there's something else going on that you need to talk about, 385 00:22:11.000 --> 00:22:13.519 because you need to rewrite the script and you need 386 00:22:13.559 --> 00:22:18.039 to plan for a new goal, like what's coming up next. 387 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:20.400 I also want to say this, if you've bored in 388 00:22:20.400 --> 00:22:22.680 your relationship, I don't care if you've been together two 389 00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:28.359 years or twenty years. You need to be together to 390 00:22:28.519 --> 00:22:33.119 maintain the connection. And when I say be together, I 391 00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:35.839 don't just mean stop traveling so much on business, stop 392 00:22:35.880 --> 00:22:38.160 going to see your families, come home to your person. 393 00:22:38.960 --> 00:22:41.799 I also mean when you're in the same house, spend 394 00:22:41.799 --> 00:22:44.519 more time in the same room. Spend more time in 395 00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:49.559 the same share you see. When you're struggling to maintain 396 00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:54.119 an emotional connection with somebody, it's really common for people 397 00:22:54.200 --> 00:22:57.799 to literally end up in different rooms, watching TV, playing 398 00:22:57.799 --> 00:23:02.960 with the computer, whatever. So my personal advice is try 399 00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:07.440 to spend some time every evening being together. If you 400 00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:10.440 are watching TV, okay, fine, but wrap your legs around 401 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:13.839