WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.240 Saturday morning is slow and gray in the sort of 2 00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:10.240 way that makes the world seem thick, muffled, like the 3 00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:13.039 inside of a shell. I wake to the sound of 4 00:00:13.160 --> 00:00:15.960 rain ticking at the window. For a few minutes, I 5 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:19.000 lie still and let myself drift at the boundary between 6 00:00:19.079 --> 00:00:22.519 sleep and waking, until a prickle of awareness lands on me. 7 00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:25.600 The other side of the bed is cool and empty. 8 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:29.239 I pull the sheet up under my chin, waiting for 9 00:00:29.280 --> 00:00:33.280 the smell of coffee, James's early morning ritual, one that 10 00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:36.840 always fills the house before I'm fully conscious. But the 11 00:00:36.960 --> 00:00:40.320 scent is faint, barely clinging to the air, as if 12 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:44.799 the pot was poured and immediately abandoned. My hand finds 13 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:47.520 the edge of his pillow, worn soft at its corner, 14 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:50.479 but he isn't here. I sit up and realize that 15 00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:55.159 his cycling kit, something electric blue and neon yellow, unfamiliar 16 00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:58.399 and stiff with newness, is draped across the low slung 17 00:00:58.399 --> 00:01:02.719 mid century chair by the window, socks rolled into tight balls, 18 00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:05.799 water bottle perched on its arm as if waiting for 19 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:09.719 him to sweep back in. A phone buzzes on the dresser, 20 00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:13.760 not mine. He left behind, screen pulsing with a notification. 21 00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:17.439 I reach for it, then pause, suddenly self conscious. The 22 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:19.680 screen lights up at the touch of my hand, a 23 00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:23.120 message long ride to day, don't wait up club breakfast 24 00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:26.239 after love you. There's a sparkly lit groups selfie on 25 00:01:26.280 --> 00:01:29.079 his lock screen. I almost laugh. It's the sort of 26 00:01:29.159 --> 00:01:31.200 picture that would have made him groan a year ago, 27 00:01:31.519 --> 00:01:35.120 all neon clad arms and dazzle teeth, bared, sweaty and 28 00:01:35.200 --> 00:01:39.280 tired beneath the city's night lights. James has always prided 29 00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:43.200 himself on his hipster cynicism about sport, especially any sport 30 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:47.640 requiring matching shirts. Now Here, he is grinning ear to 31 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:50.719 ear in some imported cycling jersey at what must have 32 00:01:50.760 --> 00:01:54.120 been midnight, arm around a woman whose dyed blonde hair 33 00:01:54.280 --> 00:01:57.959 catches the camera flash just so, a cascade of shimmer 34 00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:02.000 and half wild confidence. I let the phone drop from 35 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:04.640 my hand on to the bed, the screen winking out. 36 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:07.799 I look away, feeling a sting in my chest. I 37 00:02:07.879 --> 00:02:11.439 refuse to name. I remind myself that it's early, that 38 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:14.520 I'm probably just annoyed he's left me to lounge alone 39 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:18.080 while he's out finding in dorphins in drizzle. We've always 40 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:22.360 allowed each other independence or tried to. He's mentioned this 41 00:02:22.439 --> 00:02:25.360 new club almost every day for weeks, a group that 42 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:29.599 rides both Saturday and Sunday rain or shine, and finishes 43 00:02:29.639 --> 00:02:34.280 sweaty and jubilant over breakfast tacos or ramen or cold beer. 44 00:02:35.360 --> 00:02:39.840 Still there's a flavor to his excitement that feels uncharacteristic. James, 45 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:44.159 who once referred to cyclists as lycracultists, now packing starchy 46 00:02:44.240 --> 00:02:47.199 gels and talking about cadence as if he's prepping for 47 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.599 the Olympics. It's easier to joke about than question. So 48 00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:53.159 I rub my thumb across the bed sheet instead of 49 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:56.919 pushing the feeling away. I flex my toes, go through 50 00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:00.479 the small stretch that wakes my body up. Maybe it's nothing. 51 00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:04.520 He's already left for the day, probably hours ago, if 52 00:03:04.520 --> 00:03:07.240 the kit is out and the coffee brewed and gone cold. 53 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:09.919 I can almost picture the whistle of his breath as 54 00:03:09.960 --> 00:03:12.960 he gears up, filling a pocket with keys and phone 55 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:17.360 and chapstick, slipping out before sunrise. Normally i'd have felt 56 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:20.840 an arm drift around me as he went, But now silence. 57 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:25.000 It's noon. When he blows through the door again, loud 58 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:28.560 and sunburned, I'm half heartedly working in the studio off 59 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:31.879 the living room, cluster of tablets and brushes balanced in 60 00:03:31.960 --> 00:03:35.680 my lap, A mess of half rejected poster sketches surrounding me. 61 00:03:36.360 --> 00:03:38.800 I try to look up casually, as if I hadn't 62 00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:42.879 noticed he was gone so long? Hey, ride warrior, I 63 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:47.439 call voice pitched easy. How was the club? He flashes 64 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:52.120 a grin, carrying his helmet and sunglasses. Epic actually took 65 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:55.759 the old shoal creek root crashed breakfast after I, legit 66 00:03:55.800 --> 00:03:58.919 thought my calves were going to seize. His hair sticks 67 00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:02.319 up in haphazard horn, dew damp and sweat beads cling 68 00:04:02.360 --> 00:04:06.000 to his throat. He smells sharply of wind effort and 69 00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:09.840 that faint metallic tang of city rain. I fish for 70 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:13.280 something that won't make me sound needy nice. Who all 71 00:04:13.479 --> 00:04:15.879 was out there with you this time? Someone new on 72 00:04:15.960 --> 00:04:19.000 the route. He tosses his helmet on to the bench 73 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.839 and starts thumbing through his phone. I catch the way 74 00:04:21.879 --> 00:04:25.240 his eyes flick to mine before his gaze drops. Oh, 75 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:28.759 just the usual suspects. Mad's that guy, THEO the twins. 76 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:32.040 Miela brought her brother along. Poor guy couldn't keep up 77 00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:36.680 He laughs, almost too loud, scrolling rapidly, and then almost 78 00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:40.160 absently turns his phone face down on the stone counter. 79 00:04:41.199 --> 00:04:44.759 The threads of curiosity knit tighter somewhere low in my chest. 80 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:47.959 Did you end up at betew Es again or try 81 00:04:48.000 --> 00:04:53.399 somewhere new? I ask, feigning casual interest. He shakes his head. 82 00:04:53.600 --> 00:04:56.360 You know the drill wherever has enough tables and won't 83 00:04:56.399 --> 00:04:59.240 kick us out for muddy shoes. He rakes his hand 84 00:04:59.279 --> 00:05:02.759 through his hair, checks the kitchen clock. Shit, is it 85 00:05:02.920 --> 00:05:07.639 really noon? I've got a few designed deadlines this afternoon, babe. Sorry, 86 00:05:08.040 --> 00:05:11.639 already moving down the hall, I watch him go the 87 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.680 hem of his new cycling jersey, this one not matching 88 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:17.920 the paper receipt I glimpsed earlier in the week, vanishing 89 00:05:17.959 --> 00:05:20.839 around the corner. There is a feeling I can't shake. 90 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:23.199 We haven't quite said the right thing to each other, 91 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:25.800 not all morning. I stare at the lump of his 92 00:05:25.879 --> 00:05:29.000 kit on the chair, a bright synthetic skin that might 93 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:33.680 as well be armor. Outside. The rain comes harder. I 94 00:05:33.720 --> 00:05:37.959 don't ask again. I can already tell he won't answer. Later, 95 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:41.639 with James vanished back into his studio and distant music 96 00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:45.079 thrumbing against the walls. I find myself cycling through the 97 00:05:45.160 --> 00:05:48.079 last few months in my head. It's such a different 98 00:05:48.120 --> 00:05:50.959 pattern from what we built together. How could I have 99 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.839 missed the initial shift? There's a memory I keep returning 100 00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:59.360 to early spring ostin humidity, beginning to edge towards summer Storminus. 101 00:05:59.600 --> 00:06:02.639 The two us tangled over half finished album cover in 102 00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:07.000 our shared workspace. I've been wrestling with perspective lines, trying 103 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.759 to find the right balance of handwritten grit and digital 104 00:06:09.759 --> 00:06:14.079 slickness for a local band's first vinyl pressing. James was 105 00:06:14.120 --> 00:06:18.360 sprawled behind me, sketching drafts on his tablet, feet woven 106 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:21.879 through the back slats of my chair. That lower left 107 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:25.160 font is fighting you, he warned, brushing a loose strand 108 00:06:25.160 --> 00:06:27.959 of my hair away with an inky thumb. Give in, 109 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:31.920 try helvetica and let yourself be basic. For once he'd 110 00:06:31.959 --> 00:06:35.920 grinned at me, then full arrogant golden, before leaning in 111 00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:39.279 to kiss my neck just below the ear. All the 112 00:06:39.360 --> 00:06:43.000 tension in the world melted away. That was our magic, 113 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:47.279 making something together, arguing until a deadline snapped us back 114 00:06:47.319 --> 00:06:50.920 into unity, then finding each other again over cold beers 115 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:54.839 and whatever was left in the fridge. We delived this 116 00:06:54.920 --> 00:07:00.000 way for seven years. Creative partners, sometimes competitors, always collaborate. 117 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:04.240 Our friends teased us for being entwined, almost twinlike in 118 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:07.079 certain moods, but neither of us had ever felt smothered 119 00:07:07.120 --> 00:07:10.319 by the closeness. If anything, James had always been the 120 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:13.319 one who pulled me out into the world gallery crawls, 121 00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:17.759 outdoor installations, impro of street festivals, bringing new people into 122 00:07:17.800 --> 00:07:22.720 our warm, odd circle of downtown weirdos. I sometimes marveled 123 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:25.160 at how open he could be, how easily he wove 124 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:29.879 himself into other lives. I'm introverted by temperament, recharging best 125 00:07:29.879 --> 00:07:34.439 in chaotic privacy, music, loud, headphones on hands, busy with 126 00:07:34.519 --> 00:07:38.759 design or clay. He likes noise, mess, laughter, new faces. 127 00:07:39.160 --> 00:07:41.639 But he always came home, always looked for me in 128 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:45.800 a crowd. We let life blend together. Work and home 129 00:07:45.879 --> 00:07:49.560 and social life stitch tightly. Neither of us made much, 130 00:07:49.879 --> 00:07:53.759 but with both freelancing and landing steady design contracts from 131 00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:57.639 a few local non profits and upstart film studios, money 132 00:07:57.759 --> 00:08:01.800 was just sufficient. The little Craftsman House in East Austin 133 00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:05.240 felt like a museum of our time, arts spilling off 134 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:08.680 every wall, gig posters layered over each other in the hall, 135 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:11.920 paints still caked in indelible loops on the back step 136 00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:16.000 from one of his ill advised public mural practice nights. 137 00:08:16.720 --> 00:08:20.240 Friends would gather on Fridays for takeout dumplings and too 138 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:24.319 much mescal, everyone bringing another piece of the city with them. 139 00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:29.040 We had our routines. Saturday mornings were slow, sometimes headachey, 140 00:08:29.279 --> 00:08:32.240 spent flipping through gallery schedules and mapping out the day. 141 00:08:32.960 --> 00:08:36.559 Sundays were lazy, records spinning while one of us wrote 142 00:08:36.600 --> 00:08:40.519 up invoices and the other finished a print. Thursday afternoons 143 00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:43.919 meant brown bag tacos on bart and springs somewhere, just 144 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:48.240 us half way inventing the next project. We'd always said 145 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:51.639 we'd rather have messy freedom than settle into something predictable. 146 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:56.000 Sometimes what we called the kid conversation would come up, 147 00:08:56.399 --> 00:08:59.720 usually over drinks, and we'd grin at each other, relieved 148 00:08:59.720 --> 00:09:03.799 at the mutual not yet maybe never. It was a comfort, 149 00:09:04.120 --> 00:09:07.639 a mutual rebellion against the expectations pressing in from the 150 00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:12.080 edges of our world. There were vulnerabilities, of course, I've 151 00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:16.720 always known that James's big energy outshines mine. Sometimes at parties, 152 00:09:17.080 --> 00:09:20.279 I'd feel myself retreating into the kitchen just to watch him. 153 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:23.799 He never made me feel small, though, never until the 154 00:09:23.879 --> 00:09:26.159 last few weeks, when it was as if I was 155 00:09:26.200 --> 00:09:29.879 fading from the center of his field of vision. Until recently, 156 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:33.879 all of that difference felt safe. That was the bedrock, 157 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:36.559 I told myself as I wandered into the living room 158 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:40.960 and straightened a stacked print on the sideboard. This absurd foundation, 159 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:45.519 these quiet agreements, the unspoken rule that we didn't keep secrets, 160 00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:48.320 that if one of us felt the thread slipping, we'd 161 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.279 say something. We promised ourselves honesty was the only real 162 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:56.240 currency for two people living so closely, working so tightly. 163 00:09:57.279 --> 00:09:59.799 So why did the world suddenly feel like I was 164 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:04.559 outside looking in? Maybe that's why. On the next Friday evening, 165 00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:07.679 when James texts at the last moment to cancel our 166 00:10:07.799 --> 00:10:11.679 usual date night clubs, doing a long ride with beer after, 167 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:16.559 can we push the disappointment cuts sharper. I've been looking 168 00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:19.320 forward to this all week. There was an outdoor pop up, 169 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:22.519 some kind of interactive projection by a friend from grad school, 170 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:25.720 and we'd marked it on our kitchen chalkboard calendar for weeks. 171 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:30.120 Friday a shlaghs gig plus tacos. It was the sort 172 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:32.799 of night we live for friends, art chaos. But his 173 00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:35.840 message is breezy and nonchalant, as if he doesn't remember 174 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:40.159 or care. I start typing a response, Delete it, try again, Sure, 175 00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:44.120 no problem, kill it, save me a story. I add 176 00:10:44.120 --> 00:10:47.440 a winking face, then put my phone down. My hand 177 00:10:47.519 --> 00:10:52.080 feels oddly tense. He comes home late, nearly one a m. 178 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:56.879 Tan lines unexpectedly sharp even under the porch light. Cheeks flushed. 179 00:10:57.480 --> 00:11:00.440 I smell the tang of sweat and the faintest citrusy 180 00:11:00.480 --> 00:11:03.240 beer on his breath as he drops a cold kiss 181 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:08.279 on my cheek. Sorry, love club ran over beers after downtown. 182 00:11:08.919 --> 00:11:11.879 I'll make it up to you, he murmurs, already drifting 183 00:11:11.919 --> 00:11:15.879 down the hallway, peeling off his jersey from the bathroom. 184 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:19.720 Water runs thick against the tile. There's a slapping sound 185 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:23.159 his phone hitting the sink edge maybe, and a heavily 186 00:11:23.200 --> 00:11:27.720 exhaled sigh. I linger by the cracked door. He emerges 187 00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:32.000 in sweatpants and a faded festival T shirt, scrolling rapidly 188 00:11:32.039 --> 00:11:36.120 through messages, thumb quick and agitated. I notice he's put 189 00:11:36.159 --> 00:11:39.759 a new lock code on his phone. I watch him surreptitiously, 190 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:44.240 wondering when that change happened. The next morning, his side 191 00:11:44.279 --> 00:11:46.639 of the bed is damp from a fresh shower, and 192 00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:49.919 he's already gone. When I wake off, I presume to 193 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:53.039 the real ride. I'm left with a stack of take 194 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:56.559 out boxes last night's dishes still soaking in the sink. 195 00:11:57.639 --> 00:12:00.799 After that, it becomes a pattern. James starts coming home 196 00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:05.000 late from rides, breathless with stories about club people. Mad's 197 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:08.080 this theo that Mieler and her brother always with some 198 00:12:08.200 --> 00:12:11.879 new in joke I can't quite follow. He imitates someone's quip, 199 00:12:12.120 --> 00:12:15.240 makes an exaggerated face, but when I try to join in, 200 00:12:15.440 --> 00:12:18.679 his smile falters, as if I'm missing the reference. Only 201 00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:22.120 he holds one night. I tease him, You're going to 202 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:25.440 become insufferable with all these cycling puns. Who even are 203 00:12:25.440 --> 00:12:28.639 these new ride or my friends? He laughs and shrugs, says, 204 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:32.360 you know, club types not really your scene, gear heads, 205 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:35.399 big on group texts, that kind of thing. The answer 206 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:38.600 seems a little too quick, a little too generic. I 207 00:12:38.679 --> 00:12:41.879 push down a twinge of irritation, remind myself that he's 208 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:45.879 allowed new friends. Still, the phone is always near by 209 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:49.559 now face down, thumb flicking back to the home screen 210 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:53.919 if I cross behind him. It's subtle, so subtle, But 211 00:12:53.960 --> 00:12:55.919 I start to wonder if I'm making things up in 212 00:12:55.960 --> 00:12:59.159 my head, letting jealousy blow up into something out of proportion. 213 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:02.480 Haven't we always promised not to do this? I recall 214 00:13:02.559 --> 00:13:06.279 him once, mocking friends caught in suspicion, spirals why bother 215 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:09.000 being with someone you have to track? As I watch 216 00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:13.120 him ignore a text mid conversation, phone mute but visibly 217 00:13:13.200 --> 00:13:16.600 humming in his palm, trying to be breezy about it. 218 00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:19.279 I bring up his club friends in a larger group 219 00:13:19.639 --> 00:13:23.320 Friday at our house, Artists, designers, the couple from up 220 00:13:23.320 --> 00:13:27.480 the block. So who are these new cycling fanatics? I joke, 221 00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:31.519 topping up a wineglass. You've been abducted by the lycra cult, right. 222 00:13:32.600 --> 00:13:37.399 There's a short silence as our circle looks blank. James grins, 223 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:40.679 but there's a tension in his posture. Just new folks 224 00:13:40.679 --> 00:13:44.720 from around nobody yaw would know, mostly east Side people, 225 00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:49.320 you know how those groups mushroom. No one disagrees, but 226 00:13:49.399 --> 00:13:52.720 for the first time I notice a sideway's glance between 227 00:13:52.759 --> 00:13:56.320 two friends. Someone starts talking about a project for the 228 00:13:56.360 --> 00:14:01.279 public library, and the topic moves on. As James helps 229 00:14:01.320 --> 00:14:05.600 clear dishes, he says you good, gently, but with a knowingness, 230 00:14:05.799 --> 00:14:08.039 as if he sensed my feelings and wants to press 231 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:12.600 them down before they can surface. Of course, I say brightly, 232 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:15.919 just don't get inducted into any cults without giving me 233 00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:19.679 a heads up. He laughs, his smile wide, but his 234 00:14:19.799 --> 00:14:23.440 eyes unreadable. That night, I lie in bed listening to 235 00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:26.960 him scroll endlessly through his phone, tiny blue white light 236 00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:31.399 flickering against the far wall. Neither of us speaks. Eventually 237 00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:34.440 I hear the flat final click of his lock screen. 238 00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:39.279 My body tenses, shame curling in my gut. What sort 239 00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:42.399 of person watches her own husband for clues? Have I 240 00:14:42.440 --> 00:14:46.039 always needed more reassurance than I let on? But I 241 00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:49.759 can't deny that something fundamental has shifted. We used to 242 00:14:49.799 --> 00:14:52.679 live in a tacit easy trust. We could go a 243 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:56.000 whole day on opposite sides of the city, rejoining at 244 00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:59.799 night to swap stories, never wondering about the invisible time 245 00:14:59.799 --> 00:15:05.240 of Now, the space between us feels jagged. The first 246 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:09.559 real fracture comes two weeks later, on another rain slicked Saturday, night. 247 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:13.759 James had left in the late afternoon after a strange, 248 00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:18.279 abrupt phone call in the hallway. He'd been oddly energized 249 00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:20.879 pulling on his new kit, this one black with a 250 00:15:20.879 --> 00:15:24.000 flash of pink bands at the cuff, and barely pausing 251 00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:28.080 between changing and stuffing snacks in his pannier. Club meeting 252 00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:31.519 might run late tonight. We're sorting out a fall ride, 253 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:36.080 he says, almost sheepish, as if anticipating a challenge. I'll 254 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:40.120 probably you be back. Don't wait up. I wait. The 255 00:15:40.200 --> 00:15:44.279 hours crawl by. I flick through ourt station portfolios, try 256 00:15:44.320 --> 00:15:47.519 to reorganize digital assets for a client, but can't get 257 00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:51.159 into the flow. By midnight, I'm watching the clock every 258 00:15:51.240 --> 00:15:55.399 passing half hour, prickling tighter. James comes home after one, 259 00:15:55.720 --> 00:15:59.600 the door opening with the faintest creek. I'm up lying 260 00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:03.279 on the capuch, pretending to watch tik toks. He moves quietly, 261 00:16:03.320 --> 00:16:06.200 heading straight to the bathroom, and when he emerges, he's 262 00:16:06.200 --> 00:16:09.639 in fresh clothes and avoids meeting my eyes. When I 263 00:16:09.679 --> 00:16:13.519 ask how the ride went, he says, long, cold ride. 264 00:16:13.600 --> 00:16:16.240 Leader forgot the route, so we circled down town for 265 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:21.200 an hour. Some one forgot snack's disaster. He disappears into 266 00:16:21.240 --> 00:16:25.639 his studio before I can reply. Next morning, I log 267 00:16:25.679 --> 00:16:29.159 into our joint checking accounter update a recurring contract payment, 268 00:16:29.440 --> 00:16:32.440 and I notice something odd a two hundred sixty dollars 269 00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:35.720 charge at Cycle Market, a high end bike boutique in 270 00:16:35.759 --> 00:16:39.240 the Warehouse district. I scroll back, trying to line it 271 00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:43.360 up with James's recent shopping spreeze. He'd mentioned needing a 272 00:16:43.399 --> 00:16:47.720 better lock, but the number seems inflated. I ask him 273 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:51.320 about it voice light. Did you finally cave and buy 274 00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:55.440 the carbon seat post of your dreams? He barely glances 275 00:16:55.519 --> 00:16:59.120 up from his tablet. Just stuff for the bike parts, gels, 276 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:02.440 That shop's a total rip off, but needed new tires. 277 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:06.319 I almost believe him, until he walks past later wearing 278 00:17:06.319 --> 00:17:10.079 a cycling jersey with a completely different logo. The colors 279 00:17:10.119 --> 00:17:12.960 are wrong too. I make a mental note, but don't 280 00:17:12.960 --> 00:17:16.480 say anything more than once. I walk into the kitchen 281 00:17:16.519 --> 00:17:20.440 and find his phone glittering with notifications, dozens of messages 282 00:17:20.480 --> 00:17:23.759 piling up in a club chat. When I step too close, 283 00:17:24.039 --> 00:17:27.119 he quickly taps out of the screen. Once I catch 284 00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:30.640 a glimpse of the beginning of a thread Mads breakfast 285 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:34.440 at tiny spoon after ride, before the screen goes black. 286 00:17:35.480 --> 00:17:38.319 I try to tell myself that this is all perfectly normal, 287 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:42.359 that people drift into new hobbies and find fresh infatuations 288 00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:47.079 all the time. But the persistent secrecy, screen time, sudden 289 00:17:47.079 --> 00:17:52.960 lock devices, stories that feel partly fabricated, great, the hints 290 00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:57.839 begin to pile up in ways I can't rationalize. One Thursday, 291 00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:00.559 as I tidy up the living room, I accidently knock 292 00:18:00.599 --> 00:18:03.039 over a small stack of receipts from the mail tray. 293 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:06.519 Among the usual groceries and coffee shops, there's a hand 294 00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:10.079 written stub for brunch Grove east Side for two. I 295 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:12.960 turn it over, no date, just the name scribbled in 296 00:18:13.000 --> 00:18:16.000 blue ink. It's a restaurant James and I have always 297 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:19.680 wanted to try, but never have. His goofy fridge magnet 298 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:21.599 for the place has been there for over a year. 299 00:18:21.960 --> 00:18:26.759 He's never once mentioned going later that afternoon. I mention 300 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:29.799 Grove east Side as a meal option, just to test 301 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:33.599 the waters. Maybe next date night. Ha, we keep missing 302 00:18:33.640 --> 00:18:38.400 our chance. James lifts an eyebrow. Yeah, I keep hearing 303 00:18:38.400 --> 00:18:41.480 it slammed for weekends. Maybe on a week day if 304 00:18:41.480 --> 00:18:45.720 they ever do late hours. I nod, biting back a question. 305 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:50.240 The following Saturday, determined to restore a little normalcy, I 306 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:54.359 decide to surprise him, maybe bring his favorite Vietnamese iced 307 00:18:54.400 --> 00:18:57.960 coffee to the trail cheer his group on midride, I 308 00:18:58.039 --> 00:19:01.799 prep everything, take my own old, creaky bike, and pedal 309 00:19:01.880 --> 00:19:05.640 up the route he always describes, following his Strava maps 310 00:19:05.680 --> 00:19:08.720 like bread crumbs. But when I arrive at the park 311 00:19:08.759 --> 00:19:11.839 he named, I spot a dozen cyclists, but none are him. 312 00:19:12.279 --> 00:19:16.000 I loop the trail twice, calling out growing, sweatier, wobblier. 313 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:19.920 I check his last location, Share gone turned off for 314 00:19:19.960 --> 00:19:23.480 the first time I can remember, A weird squirming starts 315 00:19:23.480 --> 00:19:26.279 in my gut. After almost an hour, I head home, 316 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:32.039 feeling foolish. He returns by mid afternoon, flushed, cheerful, spinning 317 00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:35.200 a story about how the group switched roots last minute 318 00:19:35.240 --> 00:19:39.440 because of construction and their service dropped out downtown. You 319 00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:43.000 should have come, he jokes, too brightly. I laugh, but 320 00:19:43.079 --> 00:19:47.559 the gesture feels paper thin even there in jokes sound rehearsed. 321 00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:51.519 Mad slips into his stories more and more. Mad's nearly 322 00:19:51.559 --> 00:19:54.200 crashed her bike trying to film a tick tock. He 323 00:19:54.279 --> 00:19:57.640 tells me the name floating in his mouth, like something private. 324 00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:00.759 There's a softness to how he mentions her, the sort 325 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:05.039 of familiarity I remember from our own inside games years ago. 326 00:20:06.119 --> 00:20:09.839 One evening, a mutual friend, a local muralist, someone who's 327 00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:12.680 known us both for years, comes by to borrow a 328 00:20:12.720 --> 00:20:16.079 spare brush. As we chat, she says, off handedly, I 329 00:20:16.119 --> 00:20:19.079 thought I glimpsed James at the Lamplight Bar last week? 330 00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:22.880 Was that after a ride? Her eyes are sharp but friendly. 331 00:20:23.359 --> 00:20:26.920 Didn't peg him for the place? I blink. I don't 332 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:30.079 think he mentioned it. Was he in full cycling get up? 333 00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:35.279 She grins. Naw, just sneakers and jeans with a couple folks. 334 00:20:35.319 --> 00:20:40.359 I think one of them had crazy red hair, almost orange. James, 335 00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:42.599 when I ask that night, says he'd stopped for a 336 00:20:42.640 --> 00:20:45.559 post ride shower at a friend. S must be a 337 00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:49.599 mix up. His answer slides off too easily, no hesitation. 338 00:20:50.799 --> 00:20:53.559 Weeks slide by like this, bits of story that don't 339 00:20:53.599 --> 00:20:57.440 quite align, brunch receipts that don't fit our lives, sudden 340 00:20:57.480 --> 00:21:01.559 cycling expenses without matching gear out that bleed into mornings, 341 00:21:01.920 --> 00:21:05.400 and through it all James grows more, restless, more impatient, 342 00:21:05.720 --> 00:21:08.279 ever quick to encourage me to find my own club, 343 00:21:08.640 --> 00:21:11.720 maybe pick up hiking, join a new art collective, get 344 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:15.240 out there more. It's strange language from him. He's never 345 00:21:15.319 --> 00:21:20.519 wanted more. Distance, Intimacy fades. He grows more distant in small, 346 00:21:20.599 --> 00:21:24.160 consequential ways. Once eager to plan a gallery hop, now 347 00:21:24.200 --> 00:21:27.359 absent from our nights, often vanishing into the second bedroom 348 00:21:27.440 --> 00:21:31.200 to catch up on club coolms. I shared routines, disintegrate 349 00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:35.559 coffee together. Fewer mornings, no more lazy afternoons, giggling over 350 00:21:35.680 --> 00:21:39.759 fonts and album covers, Fewer impromptu ramen runs. The way 351 00:21:39.759 --> 00:21:42.359 he laughs with me changes. I catch a glint of 352 00:21:42.400 --> 00:21:45.400 calculation in his eye, as if measuring what to offer, 353 00:21:45.599 --> 00:21:50.359 what to hold back. One night, feeling emboldened or simply desperate, 354 00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:53.480 I raise it as gently as I can, curling into 355 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:57.839 him beneath the covers. You seem really somewhere else these days. 356 00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:02.240 Are we okay? He scoffs lightly, turning away, A bit, 357 00:22:02.839 --> 00:22:06.920 of course, We're okay. You're overthinking. I'm just swamped. Everyone's 358 00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:10.799 got a thing lately, right. He kisses my forehead, his 359 00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:14.799 lips cold, but I sense it. I've stopped mentioning my 360 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:17.720 fears to friends. I tell myself that I'm not trying 361 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:20.640 to control him, just trying to understand. But in the 362 00:22:20.759 --> 00:22:24.160 endless space between his explanations, I start to imagine a 363 00:22:24.200 --> 00:22:28.000 dozen hidden stories. If I lay awake at night, unable 364 00:22:28.039 --> 00:22:31.079 to sleep, I tell myself it's because of work, stress, 365 00:22:31.319 --> 00:22:35.000 of never ending deadlines. But what keeps me turning night 366 00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:38.119 after night is a gnawing dread that something has broken 367 00:22:38.440 --> 00:22:41.599 and I am the only one pretending it hasn't. The 368 00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:44.759 next week, as I scroll through our joint calendar, I 369 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:49.200 notice gaps, unaccounted mornings, blocked out, club rides with a 370 00:22:49.200 --> 00:22:52.160 lock symbol drawn in. He's never been the type to 371 00:22:52.279 --> 00:22:55.839 use private notes for group events. Even his social media, 372 00:22:56.119 --> 00:23:00.480 once unfiltered and spontaneous, now lingers over every post as 373 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:03.960 if he's self frediting. Our story push to a point 374 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:07.440 where I can't keep stuffing my anxieties down. I finally 375 00:23:07.480 --> 00:23:11.640 bring it up, breastbone, aching it's more than just work, James. 376 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:14.480 I feel like we're missing each other, Like I don't 377 00:23:14.519 --> 00:23:17.759 know what's happening in your life any more. He sits 378 00:23:17.799 --> 00:23:22.039 up abruptly ruffles his hair, looking tired. Not everything is 379 00:23:22.079 --> 00:23:24.920 about us, you know. Sometimes I just need a break 380 00:23:24.920 --> 00:23:27.519 from the same old stuff. We've been in the same 381 00:23:27.559 --> 00:23:30.599 groove for years. I just wanted to feel something different, 382 00:23:30.839 --> 00:23:34.559 try out a new scene. I hear the words, but 383 00:23:34.640 --> 00:23:38.279 what registers most is the frustration pulsing in his chest, 384 00:23:38.720 --> 00:23:42.240 the wedge that seems to have driven us into opposite corners. 385 00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:45.799 He pulls out his phone again, screen up, but angled 386 00:23:45.799 --> 00:23:49.920 away from me, and stares as notifications pile in. Maybe 387 00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:52.680 you should sign up for a ceramics class, he suggests, 388 00:23:52.920 --> 00:23:57.319 tone almost forced bright, or those Thursday gallery walks. Something 389 00:23:57.359 --> 00:24:01.000 you can do without me could be fun. Right, my 390 00:24:01.160 --> 00:24:03.519 voice is a strand weaker than I want it to be, 391 00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:07.680 so the answer is just separate hobbies. After all this time, 392 00:24:08.759 --> 00:24:11.480 he gives me a look, a wall slamming down in 393 00:24:11.559 --> 00:24:15.160 his eyes. I just need space mea every one needs 394 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:18.799 a little space sometimes. That night, I moved to the 395 00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:23.119 guest room, ostensibly to work late, though I can't remember 396 00:24:23.160 --> 00:24:25.799 the last time I finished a project at midnight and 397 00:24:25.880 --> 00:24:30.039 still felt whole. I wake early the next morning, resolve 398 00:24:30.200 --> 00:24:33.680 coiling tight. I will not keep drifting in circles around 399 00:24:33.720 --> 00:24:36.640 the same doubts. I will gather what evidence I have, 400 00:24:37.079 --> 00:24:40.119 weigh it, decide what sort of marriage I am actually 401 00:24:40.160 --> 00:24:44.279