WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.080 When I pushed open the door to our apartment at night, 2 00:00:06.160 --> 00:00:08.759 keys jangling so much louder than normal, I half expected 3 00:00:08.759 --> 00:00:11.519 a place to be dark and silent. Mark rarely got 4 00:00:11.560 --> 00:00:13.800 home before I did. His hours were as chaotic as mine, 5 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:16.079 if not more, especially since the new project at the 6 00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:19.039 charity took off. But that evening light spilled into the 7 00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:21.199 hallway from the living room, and somewhere beneath it, a 8 00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:23.879 thrum of music Miles Davis, lazy and low, drifted toward 9 00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:27.199 me that should have felt comforting. We used to unwine 10 00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:29.039 to jazz on knights. We cooked together, or stayed up 11 00:00:29.079 --> 00:00:32.119 far too late, drinking wine and imagining places we might travel. 12 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:34.799 I balanced a bright bag of Vietnamese take out, a 13 00:00:34.880 --> 00:00:37.840 lemon grass chicken, Mark's favorite on my hip, ready for 14 00:00:37.880 --> 00:00:40.840 a re enactment of Surprise Joy, maybe an impromptu dance 15 00:00:40.840 --> 00:00:43.640 around the kitchen. In my mind, he light up when 16 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:45.679 he saw me how early, and we'd eat on the balcony, 17 00:00:45.759 --> 00:00:48.520 arguing over whether to split the peanut sauce. But as 18 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:51.119 I stepped further in, Mark joked upright from the sofa 19 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:53.159 in a way that made me pause. Just inside the doorway, 20 00:00:53.719 --> 00:00:55.479 he was half way out of his seat, or maybe 21 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:57.920 just lowering a laptop screen with more force than necessary. 22 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:00.880 His fingers fumbled with the edge of a well worn 23 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:03.320 Navy messenger back sitting on the coffee table, except the 24 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:07.000 bag itself wasn't familiar. I stopped short. He caught my 25 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:09.640 glance too quickly and swung the bag awkwardly to the floor, 26 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:13.079 half shoving it behind his legs. Blu of hay, he said, 27 00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:15.239 voice punching up an octave, the way it did when 28 00:01:15.239 --> 00:01:18.400 he landed a difficult client call. A smile stretched wide 29 00:01:18.439 --> 00:01:21.239 and brittle. Here early, are you supposed to be presenting 30 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:24.680 to the telecom guys tonight? Meeting got counseled last minute. 31 00:01:24.719 --> 00:01:27.760 I figured i'd bring home something delicious for my favorite wacolic, 32 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:29.719 I said, trying to read the space, the way his 33 00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:32.040 hands hovered over his laptop, or how his gaze flicker 34 00:01:32.000 --> 00:01:33.920 had just passed my face instead of settling on me. 35 00:01:34.519 --> 00:01:37.640 He scrabbed a palm over his mouth and straightened. Sorry, 36 00:01:37.719 --> 00:01:40.120 I just got super into charity logistics stuff for that 37 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:42.879 renou Kikoff, you know, trying to make deadlines work. Before 38 00:01:42.879 --> 00:01:45.319 the retreat, he gestured vaguely in the direction of the 39 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:48.319 closed laptop, the hint of sweat above his bread, belying casualness. 40 00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:51.680 How is your day? You look wiped? I shrugged out 41 00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:53.920 of my rain jacket, letting it land more noisily on 42 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:57.599 the bench than usual. Something in me, brace the usual 43 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:00.840 death by process improvement. I left to take ut back 44 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.239 nowmnw on two orders of spring rolls and a spicy 45 00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.400 beef just for you, gifts for surviving another week. Mark's 46 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:09.800 eyes widened in the way the dew when he's genuinely surprised. 47 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:12.800 Done yet he didn't move to hark or kiss me. Instead, 48 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:14.599 he led out a short laugh, a little too bright 49 00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:18.639 at the edges he read my mind, I'm starving. Even then, 50 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:20.759 his foot nudge steered the navy back deeper beneath the 51 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.400 coffee table. He busied himself setting the table, rippling paper 52 00:02:24.439 --> 00:02:27.120 knapkins out in a line, acting so absorbed in stacking 53 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:29.599 chopsticks that it would take a full drama to distract him. 54 00:02:30.039 --> 00:02:32.120 He was talking about the budget for the renovation test, 55 00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:34.159 his consistence on life plants in the event hall, an 56 00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:36.439 anecdote about a volunteers showing up in this mass shoes. 57 00:02:36.479 --> 00:02:38.400 But his words rushed together and his answers to my 58 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:41.599 question spiraled off topic. That edge, something about the chill 59 00:02:41.599 --> 00:02:43.800 behind his practice charm made me pause in the kitchen, 60 00:02:43.879 --> 00:02:47.439 hands hovering over the plates. You've seemed extra distracted lately, 61 00:02:47.479 --> 00:02:50.439 I said, aiming for playful. We haven't even had one 62 00:02:50.439 --> 00:02:52.560 of those late night balcony talks, and weeks am I 63 00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:56.560 being replaced by spreadsheets and power points. Mark smirt, barely 64 00:02:56.599 --> 00:03:00.199 glancing up as he unpacked food. Just tired, Babe, these 65 00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:03.560 projects swings killed me. Maybe this weakened. He ducked his head, 66 00:03:03.599 --> 00:03:06.360 pushing the conversation aside like a loose knakin, and slipped 67 00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:08.840 away toward the bathroom. I heard the shower stirred up 68 00:03:08.840 --> 00:03:12.080 before I could say anything else, the water road between us, 69 00:03:12.199 --> 00:03:14.120 as if he needed it to muffle whatever lingered and 70 00:03:14.199 --> 00:03:17.080 spoken in the air. Standing alone in the kitchen, I 71 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:19.479 tried to shake it off. I told myself I was 72 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:22.199 being dramatic. What was stressful. Our routines were fraying, as 73 00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:24.759 was the sorder of every couple warned you about. But 74 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:28.319 the chill wasn't entirely in my imagination. It pressed against 75 00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:31.360 my chest, cold and sharp. Our apartment held the remnants 76 00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:33.840 of years built side by side. There was a dent 77 00:03:33.879 --> 00:03:35.479 in the kitchen island from when I dropped a crate 78 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:37.960 of wine after our first prop a dinner patty in 79 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:40.800 the hallway. The frames held inside jokes marksmid school EEBK 80 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:43.800 photo my old campus. I d postcards from cities we'd 81 00:03:43.800 --> 00:03:47.479 cycled through together. Sometimes the ordinary could feel stifling as 82 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:50.719 a fiven joy left finger prints. Lately, i'd notice Mock 83 00:03:50.800 --> 00:03:53.199 rarely looked at those photos as he passed, especially to 84 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:55.560 one from last year's city ride. Our hair, wind blown, 85 00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:00.039 faces split by laughter. When did that change? Dinner was fine. 86 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:03.360 We ate in near silence. Mark worked his way through 87 00:04:03.360 --> 00:04:05.520 the spicy beef of dutiful mouthfuls and told me about 88 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:07.800 a new sponsor journing the charity. He didn't name them, 89 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:11.000 but that wasn't unusual. His eyes barely met mine, darting 90 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:13.080 to his foam when its he'd turned it over screen 91 00:04:13.159 --> 00:04:16.399 sided down, a habit he'd never bothered with before. Afterward, 92 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:19.319 he slipped away, saying he needed to finalize some plans, 93 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:22.279 leaving his laptop shut on the sofa. The navy bag 94 00:04:22.399 --> 00:04:25.800 was gone. I realize hours later that he'd quietly taken 95 00:04:25.800 --> 00:04:28.439 it into the bedroom while I was rinsing dishes. I 96 00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:30.480 didn't ask where he was going when he slipped out 97 00:04:30.480 --> 00:04:32.560 for a ron later, nor why he'd insisted he couldn't 98 00:04:32.560 --> 00:04:35.160 skip to night's training when he'd already gone the evening before. 99 00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:39.079 We'd always moved so easily together at the start. Seven 100 00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:41.319 years ago, Mark and I met at an opening for 101 00:04:41.319 --> 00:04:44.079 an offbeat sculpture exhibit, something neither of us really understood 102 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:46.839 but pretended to. He'd worn a blaze of two sizes 103 00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:49.079 too small and made a joke about industrial de kay chk. 104 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:53.319 I'd lost a ludly escared people off from the wine table. Later, 105 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:55.920 we'd escaped the gallery on his old twin two helmets 106 00:04:55.959 --> 00:04:58.560 clipped over the handlebars, and cycled to my favorite late 107 00:04:58.639 --> 00:05:01.240 night fay A still remembered the light from the neon 108 00:05:01.319 --> 00:05:03.480 signs streaking his face. Blue quicks over glint in his 109 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:05.680 eyes as he claimed he could distinguish money from mannet 110 00:05:05.720 --> 00:05:08.439 by brush strick alone. He couldn't and never learned. We 111 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:11.319 crushed each other's friend groups without effort, my college out crowd, 112 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:15.040 his grad school engineer folk, all friction free, laughter, always 113 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:17.439 at the center. That first summer was a blur of 114 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:20.800 meaningless bar trivia victories, bike toes through citizide parks, long 115 00:05:20.839 --> 00:05:24.240 mornings tangled in bed sheets and quas crumbs. Over the years, 116 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:27.759 the rituals accreted. Sunday mornings with coffee laced with card amum, 117 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.399 lazy walks through the farmer's market, who poured whose wine? 118 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.639 At dinner parties, there were rules and spoken before the 119 00:05:33.639 --> 00:05:36.480 person arriving home, last round the dishwasher, and nobody used 120 00:05:36.519 --> 00:05:39.800 their good olive oil on weaknents. We fought when we did, 121 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:42.319 with the awkwardness of people who worried about breaking the tenuous, 122 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:44.959 perfect thing they'd built. The most recent was over a 123 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:47.600 new condor. He preferred old charm. I wanted clean lines, 124 00:05:47.720 --> 00:05:50.279 but after our spoiled over spreadsheets, we picked a place 125 00:05:50.279 --> 00:05:52.600 with high ceilings and a balcony barely big enough for 126 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:56.639 two folding chairs, and a potted cactus. We celebrated that compromise, 127 00:05:56.680 --> 00:05:59.000 were cheap sparkling wine, and a little too much pride 128 00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:01.560 in how adulted it all felt well. Family was born 129 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:03.720 to My parents visited three or four times a year, 130 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:06.360 always stayed just long enough to disrupt our routines and 131 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:10.000 tease us about not providing grand goods. Mark's family was here, 132 00:06:10.120 --> 00:06:14.279 his sister Danielle even closer, four years younger, boisterous and hilarious, 133 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:17.160 always at our parties, quick with a sarcastic comment about 134 00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:19.279 our matching by Gearro the way Marks nowed if he 135 00:06:19.279 --> 00:06:22.720 fell asleep during movie nights. My consultants who paid well, 136 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:25.920 and Mark's design project spaces for non profits, renovations for 137 00:06:26.000 --> 00:06:28.839 local businesses have always made me proud, even when Freeland's 138 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:32.360 workman scrambling between inverases and chasing dan lay checks. He 139 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:35.240 jerked often about designed world and stability, but lately the 140 00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:37.319 opposite seemed true. He said only last month how the 141 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:40.120 charity's new project gave him purpose a confidence boost after 142 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:43.560 a string of slow months. But sometimes beneath that friction, 143 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.319 Mark never quite shook the idea that my work devowed 144 00:06:46.360 --> 00:06:48.240 more energy of time, or that I saw the world 145 00:06:48.279 --> 00:06:50.800 in twelve weeks. Prince, while he wanted more space, debreathe 146 00:06:51.439 --> 00:06:53.959 once after a long week he'd made enough uncommon, too 147 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:58.360 sharp about consultancy, widowhood. I've retorted about starving artist distraction. 148 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:01.759 We apologize holding sweaty hands over marks of late night 149 00:07:01.800 --> 00:07:05.519 Cammele promising not to let routines become distance. We'd always 150 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:07.800 always circled back to each other, fought our way through 151 00:07:07.800 --> 00:07:09.600 the awkward bits with the kind of raw honesty that 152 00:07:09.720 --> 00:07:13.079 made friends enviees and family relieved. Mark was the one 153 00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.319 I told about the promotion before even calling my mother. 154 00:07:15.959 --> 00:07:18.000 He was the one who found solutions when I freaked 155 00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:20.720 out about taxes or anxiety spirals who teased me for 156 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:24.000 over researching by grendels and cities we barely knew. We'd 157 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:27.199 survived losses, bad sex, shrinking social calendars in a way 158 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:29.759 there until recently made me believe us it was solid. 159 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:32.959 Maybe not glamorous, maybe not magazines, bread tidy, but real, 160 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:36.800 rs the truth. I trusted Mark in the marrow deep 161 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:38.800 way you do when you share door codes and secrets, 162 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:40.720 when you believe no one else in the world knows 163 00:07:40.759 --> 00:07:44.319 the specific, precise frequency of your laughter. That night, I 164 00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:46.560 kept turning all this over as a layin bed, blinking 165 00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:49.279 up at the plaster swirl above our heads. I listened 166 00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:51.399 to the careful patterns of Mark moving through the apartment, 167 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:53.319 the light under the door flickering off, and on, the 168 00:07:53.399 --> 00:07:56.279 distant sound of water running longer than a normal quick rinse. 169 00:07:57.000 --> 00:07:59.040 When he finally slept him beside me. He smelled of 170 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:02.879 unfamiliar shampoo. I mumbled you okay, and he murmured all good, 171 00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:06.279 just tired, rolling away so our faced his back. I 172 00:08:06.399 --> 00:08:09.199 drifted off, feeling the gulf open, small but real. A 173 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:11.759 few nights later, determined not to let whatever strange and 174 00:08:11.839 --> 00:08:14.079 the current had settled between us thicken into something sticky 175 00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:15.839 and permanent, I tried to kick start one of our 176 00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:19.040 old rituals. Our anniversary was coming up, a date we'd 177 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:21.839 always made a big deal of, usually with elaborate, laughably 178 00:08:21.879 --> 00:08:24.279 over planned weekends away inside jukes layered on top of 179 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:27.040 each other until they nearly buckle. I brought it up 180 00:08:27.079 --> 00:08:31.279 over breakfast, grinning at him overburned toast, So venish the ducks, 181 00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:33.159 or are you planning on surprise in me and call 182 00:08:33.200 --> 00:08:37.360 a lumper? He blinked, mug halfway to his mouth. Anniversary right, 183 00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:40.200 oh babe, the volunteer calendar is wild. Right now, We've 184 00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:42.600 got a sight visit, Plus the retreat weekend lines up 185 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:44.799 almost exactly. Lots of hands needed. Could we may be 186 00:08:44.919 --> 00:08:48.879 celebrate another time? His face formed this helpless, apologetic smire, 187 00:08:49.639 --> 00:08:52.799 timing ag is there any chance he can move stuff around. 188 00:08:53.960 --> 00:08:56.679 I push, keeping my voice light, nudging his foot under 189 00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:59.360 the table. This is our one non negotiable weekend. I 190 00:08:59.399 --> 00:09:02.039 already reached the three client invites in your honor. You know, 191 00:09:02.840 --> 00:09:06.279 he hesitated a split second too long. It's really complicated. 192 00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:08.679 I'm basically signed up as team logistics. If I bail, 193 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:12.960 things will fall apart. His phone buzzed again, flipped face down. 194 00:09:13.080 --> 00:09:15.440 I vibrated three times before he casually shoved it away. 195 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:18.240 Dinner that night was and nothing of Entermark was wired, 196 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:20.840 jittering his knee under the table, scrolling his phone between 197 00:09:20.879 --> 00:09:23.919 forkfuls of left over needles. He smiled when prompted, but 198 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:27.159 not at anything. I tried to steer the conversation. Funniest 199 00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:31.679 anniversary memory, most ridiculous trip we ever took, he answered, 200 00:09:31.759 --> 00:09:34.480 but ever replied trailed off. When I asked if he 201 00:09:34.519 --> 00:09:36.480 wanted to look at Abe for a future weekend, he 202 00:09:36.639 --> 00:09:39.039 just shrugged, don't know where we'll be. Let's leave it open. 203 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:41.440 I watched him chewing each bite for a minute. I 204 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:44.720 was glazed, a foreslaugh at my stories. After he went 205 00:09:44.759 --> 00:09:47.639 to bed, clemming an early starts dress, Needing to catch 206 00:09:47.720 --> 00:09:49.279 up on plannings, I sat in the living room and 207 00:09:49.320 --> 00:09:52.519 scrolled through old photos on my phone, our first anniversary picnic, 208 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:56.279 Mark feeding me strawberries while a thunderstorm friend he'd insisted 209 00:09:56.320 --> 00:09:59.080 on dancing under the eaves, barefoot and dumb me happy. 210 00:09:59.759 --> 00:10:03.200 Was that just nostalgia or had something concrete change, something 211 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:05.679 neither of us wanted to name. I lay in bed, 212 00:10:06.039 --> 00:10:07.840 staring at the dip in Mark's pillow where his head 213 00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:11.279 should be. He's just hired, I whispered under my breath. 214 00:10:11.720 --> 00:10:14.120 We'd swap rolls open enough, Me buried on the consultancy, 215 00:10:14.159 --> 00:10:16.960 dead lioned and picking up slack around the house. But 216 00:10:17.080 --> 00:10:19.039 this felt to Miss Olyon like a painting hung free 217 00:10:19.080 --> 00:10:22.039 degrees off center. I rattled off excuses in my head 218 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:25.080 until I finally fell asleep, face pressed into the cool emptiness. 219 00:10:25.759 --> 00:10:28.639 Days started slipping past, and fragments, each colored by attention. 220 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.759 I couldn't quite explain what began, swapping out his old 221 00:10:32.000 --> 00:10:34.240 bat at work backpack for the new Navy messenger bag 222 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:35.840 at one i'd seen him hide on a night of 223 00:10:35.879 --> 00:10:38.399 the ticket. I would see it in the mornings, slung 224 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:40.600 over his shoulder as he ducked out, always sip and 225 00:10:40.679 --> 00:10:44.120 clasped tightly shut. He left the apartment earlier, returned later, 226 00:10:44.279 --> 00:10:46.879 claiming sight meetings for the charity, sometimes texting that he 227 00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:49.440 be home after midnight. When he did come in, he 228 00:10:49.559 --> 00:10:51.919 moved carefully, as if trying not to wig me, sliding 229 00:10:51.960 --> 00:10:54.200 into bed with the delicacy of a sleep wooker. I 230 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:56.960 brought up the charities of coming benefit at breakfast, suggesting 231 00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:59.480 we invite. Lisa and Jordan are too close A friends 232 00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.679 tradition dictated we always went as a group to these things, 233 00:11:02.759 --> 00:11:06.480 cheering Mark on, over tipping bartenders, and dancing late. Should 234 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:09.440 I emil Lisa see if she can get tickets, I asked, 235 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:12.879 tossing him a hopeful look. Mark paus coffee, half witty 236 00:11:12.919 --> 00:11:16.559 his lips. Ah, it's just volunteers this time, babe. They're 237 00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:19.759 keeping it really small, you know, internal logistics, bored people. 238 00:11:19.799 --> 00:11:21.440 WI swamped. I don't want you board with all the 239 00:11:21.480 --> 00:11:24.320 fundraising talk. He forced a tight laugh, but his fingers 240 00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:27.240 tapped a beat on the counter. Fast and insistent. I 241 00:11:27.320 --> 00:11:29.240 shrugged it off as he left for another sight day, 242 00:11:29.320 --> 00:11:32.080 but the sense of being gently expertly excluded pressed at me. 243 00:11:32.759 --> 00:11:35.519 At the corner cafe that afternoon, I ran into Daniell. 244 00:11:36.120 --> 00:11:38.279 She greeted me with her usual tackle hug her house 245 00:11:38.279 --> 00:11:40.879 still barren traces of purple from her last weekend's festival. 246 00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:44.240 We ordered coffee, scaping a down pounder, the awning idle 247 00:11:44.279 --> 00:11:46.600 gossip until I mentioned I hadn't seen Mark in days. 248 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:49.720 He was always off somewhere with the charity. Daniel rolled 249 00:11:49.759 --> 00:11:52.080 her eyes. I tried to get him to come for 250 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:54.919 family dinner last Friday. He said he had blueprints to finish, 251 00:11:55.200 --> 00:11:57.399 but was weirdly vague. Didn't even tell me which sight 252 00:11:57.480 --> 00:12:00.279 he was on. She said it lightly, but I heard 253 00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:03.039 the note of confusion. Has it always been this consuming? 254 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:05.600 I asked, my gaze hitching on her nose, raying the 255 00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:09.559 rhythm of the rain. Dan Ale shrugged, Not until this project. 256 00:12:09.720 --> 00:12:12.919 At least he seems happy, just scattered. Probably needs a break, 257 00:12:13.639 --> 00:12:16.720 she winked. When you two figure out vacation, cunt me in. 258 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:21.279 Later that afternoon, Lisa texted Lisa, the Muscless, the keeper 259 00:12:21.320 --> 00:12:24.279 of secrets and snarky wisdom you saw at trivia to night. 260 00:12:24.399 --> 00:12:27.759 Bring you a game, she wrote, Mark had counseled sending 261 00:12:27.840 --> 00:12:29.519 her a message that couldn't make it a some last 262 00:12:29.600 --> 00:12:33.039 minute charity nonsense. I felt my face flush with embarrassment. 263 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.039 Our team had never skipped a night unless one of 264 00:12:35.080 --> 00:12:37.519 us was sick. Lisa sent a meme of a woman 265 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:40.600 sibbing wine alone. I half smiled, but my heart hand 266 00:12:41.399 --> 00:12:44.440 That evening, an emil pinged my phone a credit card notification, 267 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:48.039 but an unusual charge. My eyes widened at dinner bill 268 00:12:48.039 --> 00:12:50.159 at a rooft up bar neither of us had ever visited. 269 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:52.879 The amount was double any place we'd splurged on before. 270 00:12:53.600 --> 00:12:55.519 I brought it up. As Mark came out of the bathroom, 271 00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:59.600 towel round his waist, he went still O that. Yeah, 272 00:12:59.759 --> 00:13:02.039 I to tell you we did a goodbye dinner for Ari. 273 00:13:02.200 --> 00:13:04.559 She's leaving the board. I paid, then got reimbursed by 274 00:13:04.559 --> 00:13:08.039 the charity. Actually forgot to VEMMO you back. He spoke smooly, 275 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:10.799 but his oys tacked left, not quite meeting mine. We 276 00:13:10.960 --> 00:13:14.000 ordered like idiots, three desserts for five people. Did you 277 00:13:14.120 --> 00:13:16.480 go with the whole team, I asked, doing my best 278 00:13:16.519 --> 00:13:19.919 to sound usual. Basically, yeah, a couple board people. Tessa, 279 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:22.159 you know, the event manager. She's new, but she was 280 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:24.600 the one who set up the reservation. Fancy place but 281 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:27.879 kind of pretentious. He laughed, waving a hand as if 282 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:31.519 that sealed the topic. The next morning, Mark's phone vibrated 283 00:13:31.559 --> 00:13:34.279 on the counter while I pour coffee. I glanced down 284 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:38.600 charity board. Virgin flashed the notification. Marx swooped him from 285 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:41.000 the hull, gathering the phone, sliding it into his pocket 286 00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:44.080 with the ease of someone retrieving something precious. Just another 287 00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:47.159 logistics fire, he muttered. He'd never kept his phone so 288 00:13:47.240 --> 00:13:50.200 hidden before I made breakfast. As he dressed, his back 289 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:52.799 to me, yet every movement seemed quicker, more precise, and 290 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:54.799 odd undercurrent in his voice as he riffed off a 291 00:13:54.840 --> 00:13:57.559 list of volunteer headaches of Vender's bailing, missing supplies of 292 00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:00.440 vent permits delayed when I offered to help scout for 293 00:14:00.519 --> 00:14:04.000 back venues. I had contacts, after all, he declined. Too 294 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:06.679 much juggling already, babe, don't want to drag you in 295 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:09.240 that evening. As I hung my jacket on the door, 296 00:14:09.320 --> 00:14:12.120 I brushed against the new Navy bag. It was heavier 297 00:14:12.159 --> 00:14:15.159 than I expected. Fumbling with my keys, I almost asked 298 00:14:15.200 --> 00:14:18.000 off Wright, what's in there? But might Ton stalled. It 299 00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:19.759 wasn't fair as much as it was a kind of 300 00:14:19.799 --> 00:14:22.960 slow crawling uncertainty that made me wary of my own assumptions. 301 00:14:23.639 --> 00:14:25.879 A few days later, Jordan called to invite us to 302 00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:29.080 his birthday drinks. Should I count you in? Markin? He asked, 303 00:14:29.159 --> 00:14:31.919 voice ecling on speaker or is he still in hermit 304 00:14:31.960 --> 00:14:34.360 mode with the renovation. I put him on mute for 305 00:14:34.399 --> 00:14:37.279 a second, checking our kitchen calendar, but Mark interrupted, stepping 306 00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:40.600 into the room. Tell Jordan, I'll be late then to 307 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:43.639 the phone. Sorry, man stuck organizing with the charity crew. 308 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:46.399 Send photos. I'll try to drop after there was a 309 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:49.919 stiffness in his voice, almost rehearsed. Jordan chuckled, but a 310 00:14:49.960 --> 00:14:52.480 beat later he added quietly, have you met Tessa their 311 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:56.279 new events leeve. She's how should I say, mildly intimidating, magnetic? Actually, 312 00:14:56.399 --> 00:14:58.120 Mark seems to talk about her a lot when he 313 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:02.200 comes up for air. Something pro me no introductions yet, 314 00:15:02.840 --> 00:15:06.000 Jordan's voice softened, probably for the best. She'd of charm 315 00:15:06.039 --> 00:15:09.120 her anyway. Somewhere in the week that followed a start 316 00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:11.799 account in details that might have once seen benign now 317 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:15.039 waited with uncertainty in Mark's jacket, left draped on the 318 00:15:15.120 --> 00:15:16.919 arm of the sofa. After a late night I found 319 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:18.600 a Stubb for a movie. I'd been wanted to see, 320 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:20.639 a French drama I had mentioned when it was released. 321 00:15:21.360 --> 00:15:23.519 I turned the slip over in my hand, reading the 322 00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:26.159 date and time. Mark had claimed he'd been at a 323 00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:28.799 sight walked through late that night. I set the ticket 324 00:15:28.840 --> 00:15:31.320 on the kitchen counter, almost as a trap, But when 325 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:33.039 he came home and saw he just gathered it up 326 00:15:33.080 --> 00:15:35.679 and stuffed it in the laundry pile without comment. Had 327 00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:39.000 he forgotten it was there or just didn't care. On Sunday, 328 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:40.919 the sun bright and sharp in the sky, I set 329 00:15:40.960 --> 00:15:43.720 off alone on our usual bug circuit. The park was 330 00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:46.840 filled with families, runners, old men feeding pigeons, the clutter 331 00:15:46.879 --> 00:15:48.679 and rhythm of city life as familiar as my own 332 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:51.639 heart beat. Usually Mark and I would ride together, pausing 333 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:54.279 for minty at the leg side shack, complaining about the wind. 334 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:57.440 This time I rode the loop solo, counting my breath's 335 00:15:57.480 --> 00:16:01.720 thinking I Trustmark, don't I? Was I inventing problems because 336 00:16:01.759 --> 00:16:04.759 I missed the frantic wild early days, or had the 337 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:09.360 small abrasions and uncharacteristic silences become their own language. That night, 338 00:16:09.480 --> 00:16:11.320 as Mark read in bed, I sat with a pen 339 00:16:11.399 --> 00:16:14.600 and note that scribbling a list reasons to truss. He 340 00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:18.080 remembers my coffee order. He brings me flowers for no reason. 341 00:16:18.639 --> 00:16:21.720 He answers my calls, even when a meeting's reasons not 342 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:25.080 to trust is story shift. His phone is always hidden, 343 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:28.559 he's never at events with friends any more. His sister 344 00:16:28.639 --> 00:16:31.600 finds him wordly vague. My hand trembled as I added 345 00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:35.519 unusual expense rooftop bar, then scratched it out angrily. Maybe 346 00:16:35.559 --> 00:16:37.639 I was being obsessive, but I couldn't deny the way 347 00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:39.759 it felt like I was circling an answer I didn't want. 348 00:16:40.440 --> 00:16:42.360 I snapped the note bud shut and slid it under 349 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:46.559 the pile of magazines. Mark looked up, pure quiet. Lately, 350 00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:49.320 he said, the edge of worry in his voice, his 351 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:51.559 work killing you. There was a time I would have 352 00:16:51.600 --> 00:16:53.639 reached for his hand, spelled out every ache and doubt, 353 00:16:54.240 --> 00:16:57.279 But now the words stuck behind my teeth. I just nodded, 354 00:16:58.039 --> 00:17:01.360 just tired, I whispered into the dark. I resolved enough. 355 00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:05.000 Maybe I was a problem. Maybe the universe does this, 356 00:17:05.079 --> 00:17:07.279 but distance between two people and it's up to you 357 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:10.279 to bridget or let us follow you whole The next evening, 358 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:12.960 determined to take a stand against whatever shadow have fallen 359 00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:16.079 between us. I messaged Mark mid afternoon, meet me at 360 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:19.480 Bancroft Wine barre at said, and spontanety required. I sent 361 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:21.720 an animated gift of two cat sharing a plate of cheese, 362 00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:25.799 hoping to make him laugh. He responded almost immediately seven 363 00:17:25.880 --> 00:17:28.480 on the dot, I'll be their chief. I arrived at 364 00:17:28.480 --> 00:17:32.119 Early Heart hammering for years. This was our anchor spot 365 00:17:32.200 --> 00:17:34.880 where we toasted new promotions and mourned every setback. When 366 00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:37.720 Mark once mapped out his dream renovation business on a napkin, 367 00:17:38.279 --> 00:17:40.759 I snared a corner table, ordered us a bottle o versay, 368 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:43.759 tried to quiet the internal storm. He slid him beside me, 369 00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:46.119 late by just three minutes, but he wore a pained 370 00:17:46.119 --> 00:17:49.720 apologetic look. Sorry, there was a board call. I'm here now. 371 00:17:50.359 --> 00:17:52.680 He seemed thinner in the low light, tied round the eyes. 372 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:55.440 But there is a softness there too. So are you 373 00:17:55.480 --> 00:17:57.319 planning to run away and join the circus or just 374 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:00.400 booking me for truvy practice, he joked, cleansing sight ways. 375 00:18:01.039 --> 00:18:04.920 I grinned neither. I'd just I miss us. I pushed 376 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:07.960 the menu toward him. This place hasn't changed, felt like 377 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:10.759 a good spot for a reset. Mark held my stare 378 00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:13.440 for the first time in weeks. He didn't look away. 379 00:18:14.079 --> 00:18:17.759 He reached struver and squeezed my hand, thumbstroking my palm live. 380 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:20.000 I know I've been off. I'm sorry. Things had the 381 00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:22.079 chair to spun out way more work than I expected, 382 00:18:22.119 --> 00:18:25.440 and honestly, he took a long sip of wine collected himself. 383 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:28.599 It's made me feel out of my depth. Honestly, after 384 00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:31.200 seeing how good your junior business driving, it sometimes feels 385 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:33.079 like I'm flailing that It's not fair to you. He 386 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:35.799 didn't sign him for this much distance or mess My 387 00:18:35.880 --> 00:18:38.839 shoulders dropped. He don't have to compete with me, Mark, 388 00:18:38.920 --> 00:18:40.680 We're supposed to be on the same team. If this 389 00:18:40.759 --> 00:18:44.799 project is that much, maybe pull back, he winced. I 390 00:18:44.920 --> 00:18:47.119 want to, but I can't. Not until the gale is done. 391 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:50.799 Then retreat and ill, settled down swear. He reached into 392 00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:53.160 his messenger bag. Yes, the damned mysterious Navy. When n 393 00:18:53.200 --> 00:18:56.119 pulled out the tiny gift rat box. I know it's 394 00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:57.920 not our official day, but I saw this and thought 395 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:01.240 of you. Inside a delicate next the pendant reminiscent of 396 00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.039 one i'd pointed out to a lisp and marked years 397 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:05.799 ago but never bought. I love it, I said, for 398 00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:09.279 his horse. He leaned over, kissing my foreheaded gentle familiar 399 00:19:09.400 --> 00:19:11.279 the way he always did when the world felt jagged. 400 00:19:11.880 --> 00:19:14.559 We ordered share plates, told old stories, laughed over the 401 00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:16.839