Speaker 1: Guys, gals and non binary pals. Tonight is a Special night,
a special broadcast of the test episode of what may
yet to come in the not too distant future of
next year. This is Retrostatic Radio's Comedy Hour where we
bring you to That's Right Too, full cast adaptations of
our most popular comedy shows, Duffy's Tavern and Our Miss Brooks. First,
the hilarity of Duffy's Tavern as you go down for
Miss Duffy's coming out Party. Hello Duffy, staffn with the
elite meat to eat today's special pickled feet. Oughn't you
the manager speaking Duffy, ain't he? Oh? Hello Duffy. Tonight. Yeah,
Tonight's the big night Miss Duffy's coming out party. Yeah? Huh?
Is it formal? No, duff semi formal. The Dame's come
half dressed? Yep, yeah, it ought to be a terrific
coming out party. Well yeah, I mean it has all
the essentials for a great coming out party, A rich
father and an ugly daughter. Was that you ain't rich?
I'm still benned five hundred. Say what time are you
coming down? Duff Oh? Good, good good? Is the little woman?
I mean? Is missus Duffy coming down with you. Oh,
she's getting a dress let out right now? Are you
helping the saveyas with the measurements? Huh, well, hurry up
and get that done and get down here. Okay, okay,
I'll talk with you later, duff Hey, Eddie, Yeah, mister Archie,
I wish you would ascertain if everything has been taken
care of by the Committee of Arrangements. You uh, you
mean the entire committee? Yeah, oh, just a minute, I'll
find out. Is everything okay, Eddie? Yeah, everything's okay, Eddie. Uh,
miss Archie. The committee reports that everything has been ascertained. Well,
it ought to be the biggest coming out party of
the century. We have a very exclusive checklist, very exclusive,
of course, it's exclusive. By the bye, have you been
delivering the invitations? Yes, sir, kids are handing them up
at the street corner now. Ah good good. By the way,
did you read the invitations I made up? No, not
as such. Well, here take a gander, ookie doak come monster.
Coming Out Party admissions one dollar. You are honored to
be the guest at the coming out party and RSVP
to be held at Duffy's Tavern. In Memoriam of Miss Duffy,
dearly beloved daughter of Honorable and Missus Duffy MP MP,
Members of Parliament, Mom and pop U proceed ahead, Eddie
ps cuisine to begin promptly at nine o'clock, and we'll
proceed until dinner. I had pretty sharp invitations, huh. And
you shall notice I had the printing embossed embossed. Yeah,
that raised letter in there. Oh, that should definitely come
in handy when the guests go blind. By the way,
in a time, you got dressed up for the party. Oh, yeah,
I guess it is. What is it you think I
should wear my full dress suit? Well? Yes and no?
What do you mean? Yes and no? I mean yes
you ought to wear it? And know you ain't got one? Hey,
who all's coming tonight? Well you saw the guest list,
very swanky crowd. Mister and missus Plato McGonagall, Cavendish, the
Undertaker and Lady Cavendish at Water McGirk, Mister one eyed
Goldfarb and his daughter Cyclops life fingered Lynch in his
escort Dame May Fagin. Second story, Jackson and his wife.
Fourth story. That's his second wife, you know. Then there's
a mister and missus, Pharaoh Farouk, very wealthy crowd. Oh
what does pharaoh do? Not nothing, He's retired, made all
his money building obelisks. Hey, wait a minute, look who's here?
The guest Dona herself. Good evening, Miss Duffy.
Speaker 2: Hello, a she How do you like my new dress?
Speaker 1: Strapless? But uh, what keeps it up?
Speaker 2: Mama? She sewed me into it? Uh? Actually an opinion?
Do you like the fringe tunic?
Speaker 1: The fringe tunic?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 1: Huh nah? I don't quite see you in a fringe tunic. There.
I see you more in a sears girdle with velvet
plats across the bias and a great taheen valero with
an ij fox middrift.
Speaker 2: You mean with the crisscross hemstitch.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, of course that's it, with a very sheer
middrift with a flouncy bodice to set off the lines
in your pebbles. But that's just one girl's opinion, darling.
If you can get a guy with the bait you
got on, more power to you. Incidentally, do you have
a date for to night?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Oh, that's too bad.
Speaker 2: Maybe this will be the night that mister Wright comes along.
Speaker 1: But how would you know if he's mister Wright.
Speaker 2: Easy, he'll be the one that asks me to marry him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that narrows down the field. Yeah, well, good luck
to you, miss Duffy.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Achie. I'll see you in a little while.
Speaker 1: Eddie. You know, I feel bad for the dame coming
out to a party without no date. I'd like to
help her out maybe, but who can you get last minute?
And for her it can't be a guy in his
right mind. The hello Watchie, oh hello Finn again they
arch I heard there's a big shint dig here tonight
with a lot of them society Thames, yes, mattering.
Speaker 3: Why could you introduce me to one of them young dowagers?
Speaker 1: Finn again? The dowagers ain't the young dames. The dowagers
are the old men. And if you want me to
get you a girl, don't forget. This is a high
class party and I want you acting like very refined.
I read booksacchi, none of them usual show off feet
of yours, like putting your forks teeth in your mashed potatoes.
Speaker 3: Oh but arch I gotta have a little fun. Can't
I even do me nutcracker trick?
Speaker 1: Uh? What's the nutcracker trick.
Speaker 3: Well, I ask the dame if she wants a nutcracker,
and if she says yes, I crack her over the
nut with a bottle.
Speaker 1: I don't know, Finn Again, it sounds amusing. Try it
once and see if it gets a laugh. But if
it don't, see that you tender the lady your finest. Apologies.
Speaker 3: Oh but of course, who's more of a stickler for
manners than me? So can you get me a girl
for the party?
Speaker 1: Oh? Oh yeah, I got just the girl for you.
Who Miss Duffy? Oh no, you don't, Archie, just a
second half? Fin again, think a moment on the bright
side of Miss Duffy for me.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 1: That's pretty tough finding the bread side.
Speaker 3: No, trying to think.
Speaker 1: Oh you can do it if you try. Go ahead,
think of something nice about her.
Speaker 4: Well, okay, she she uh, she.
Speaker 3: She's well, maybe you better go.
Speaker 1: First, arch Come on, it's not that well let's see
uh she uh, she could be worse. Huh. Now it's
your turn again.
Speaker 3: Uh frankly, arch I think we've exhausted all the possibilities.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we ought to get her a guy anyhow, Hey,
I got an idea hand me the phone. Hello, Choppin'
descort Bureau Mail Order Department. Please, yes, I want to
order a male Hello mail Order. I was wondering if
you could provide a male escort for me tonight. Huh
that look bud, Ask me again after the party. No,
this happens to be for a young lady. Is she single?
Ha desperately? What do we want to take a Russian prince? Yeah, sure,
sounds terrific. Send him over to Duffy's tavern right away.
Oh boys, Miss Duffy gonna be happy a real Russian prince. Hello,
Duffy's tavern. Oh hey, Duffy, I got terrific news. I
got a Russian prince tonight. No for Miss Duffy. And
this ain't no phony. This is real asops. Well, Duffy,
we had to do the best we could, you know,
the day he ain't getting no younger, we had to
go with Russian. In fact, she's come out so often
on the same day there's a federal petition to replace
Groundhog's Day with Miss Duffy's Day. Okay, okay, we'll hurry
up and get down here. Okay, talk to you later. Gee.
You know Eddie a Russian prince coming down here. I'm
getting nervous, meself. I haven't talked to royalty in so long.
I may forget which foot to kiss. Then just throw
a protocol to the wind and just Curtsey. Yeah, yeah,
maybe I'll do that.
Speaker 3: Good evening, Archie, my boy.
Speaker 1: Ohhi, Officer Clancy, what's new?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: Nothing much, just seen from the papers. Were due for
a long dry spell. Yeah huh oh, yep, I just
purchase a man's mouth just to think about it.
Speaker 1: Uh huh, Well, why don't you think about something else then,
Officer Clancy, Then he might not be suparchy.
Speaker 3: Hmmm. I uh, I hear you're having a party here tonight.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3: Well, have you got yourself a singer?
Speaker 1: Ms? Duffie might want to sing?
Speaker 3: No, no, I mean like an opera star like that.
Ta oh, what's his name there?
Speaker 1: Meltzer?
Speaker 3: No Tibbets, No, no, I'm thinking about what's what's his name? Nino?
Speaker 1: Nino, Nino Martini?
Speaker 3: Thank you and leave out the olive.
Speaker 1: Okay, Clancy, you got me on that one. Here's your martini.
Speaker 3: Thank you. Good luck with the party, Archie, me boy.
I just hope the guts don't get too obstiferous, abstephorous, stinking,
you know, like they did last year, Like when Callahan
put away a whole pint and then kept kissing McDougall's wife,
so McDougall had to punch him in the nose. A
McDougall was a bit sore, huh, of course he was.
It was his pint. So then the wife turned and
walked McDougall for hitting poor ol Callahan and McDougall woke
up in the hospital with repercussion of the brain. Repercussions
or she sucked him twice. Anyways, good luck with the party.
I can't wait.
Speaker 1: Oh sure, sure, sure, yeah, I'll see at the party.
Officer Clancy, take care. Oh h Eddie, look, when the
Russian prince gets here, be sure to let me know. Okay,
how am I gonna recognize him? It's easy, Eddie. They
all got that aerosyncratic look, you know, tall, charming, dancing, handsome, dashing,
even how do you do just a second, are you
the Russian prince for.
Speaker 3: A five box? What do you expect? You get what
you get?
Speaker 1: Yeah, you got me by the Bolsheviks there. Anyways, Welcome
the Duffy's Tavern. How do you like the place?
Speaker 3: It reminds me of the Russian Secret police.
Speaker 1: The Russian secret police.
Speaker 3: Oh, ge p yu. I haven't seen anything like this
since I left Minsk.
Speaker 1: Oh you lived in Minsk, also in Pinsk. How do
you like it?
Speaker 3: Stink free lunch, the usual? This is delicious?
Speaker 1: You mean you like it? Hey you hear that, eddie? Yeah,
too bad, the cheffing conscious. You'd like to hear it too. Anyways, here, prince,
make yourself at home. Pull a stuffed cossack up and
uh get you going? Tell me? Tell me when did
you leave Russia?
Speaker 3: I left during the revolution. Oh, how very quickly?
Speaker 1: Well why they kick you out? Prince?
Speaker 3: And too many princes? Not enough blimses?
Speaker 1: Oh is that?
Speaker 3: At the time, You'll see, I was living in the
palace of my uncle, the Grand Duke Ivanovitch Patrovitch alexandrovitch Itch.
Speaker 1: What happened to him?
Speaker 3: They scratched him. Then an unfortunate incident occurred. Oh yeah,
they sent me to Siberia.
Speaker 1: Oh, that must have been pretty cold.
Speaker 3: Cold. Oh, it was so cold in Siberia that the
only thing that circulated was the propaganda.
Speaker 1: Well it must have been fun at least in Russia,
back in the good old days, you know, before the Revolution,
riding around in the snow on them semiflaws with the
little bells jingle in making love to them pretty little
drud skis, and that Russian music.
Speaker 3: You like Russian music, Oh, I love it.
Speaker 1: Rachmaninov, Chichikowski, Stravinski, Pareuski.
Speaker 3: Just a second. Petruski was Polish back in them days.
Speaker 1: So was Poland. Yeah, Prince, I was hoping that the
party tonight reminds you of the good old days.
Speaker 3: I hope the party won't be that wild. I remember
back in Russia one party where we all went swimming
with all our clothes on in the the uh Volga. Disgusting.
By the way, this girl I am escorting tonight, describe
her to me. Please hair, Yes, what color?
Speaker 1: Listen? This dame will make it whatever color you want.
Her face? What about it?
Speaker 3: Smooth shaven, just like a peach.
Speaker 1: You love her, I swear, Prince. By the way, on
a job like yours, when you meet dames like this
for the first time, what's your technique?
Speaker 3: You'll see? I talk to her like a lover, hard
and loud. Then I breathe. I breathe moderately, hot breaths
on her neck like these. It didn't work, not for you.
Speaker 1: Maybe, how's your breath more distilled than our liquor.
Speaker 3: By this time, extasy has set in. My blue blood
has reached a boil point. I am on fire. She
is on fire. The room is full of smoke. Then
then I put my arms around her and suddenly declined
striking twelve o'clock midnight. Then what, Oh it's beautiful now
at the time she's paying me time and a half.
Speaker 1: But Prince doesn't make a love for money, you know.
Doesn't that make you feel a little ashamed of yourself.
Speaker 3: Only if that's what they're paying for. By the bay,
where is this young lady? I'm here to extort, No extort, escort?
Great writing?
Speaker 1: These is well, none of us are good in a
Russian accent. Okay, I'll go and call you extort. Oh,
miss Duffy, here comes your woman now, Prince, this is
a woman. Yep, this is Miss Duffy. She's coming out tonight.
Speaker 3: In this light?
Speaker 1: Is that?
Speaker 3: Why?
Speaker 1: Yes, please, Prince, Miss Duffy, I would like to acquaint
you with a real Russian Prince. Miss Duffy, this is prince.
Speaker 3: Please allow me. I am Prince Padrovich Alexandrovitch, or just
call me.
Speaker 2: Itchy h Likewise, I'm sure the.
Speaker 1: Prince here is going to be your escort to the
party tonight.
Speaker 2: A prince oh achi. I just can't believe it. It
couldn't happen to me. I must be dreaming. I should
prince myself allow me. Oh, thank you, Prince come here.
I'm all yours.
Speaker 3: Gyz the mean it, Miss Duffy, this place is too
big for us too. I think I'll go.
Speaker 1: But Prince, you made a bargain.
Speaker 3: But do I have to go down to the basement?
Speaker 1: But what about my five bucks?
Speaker 3: Forget about it?
Speaker 1: But what will the escorp bureau say?
Speaker 3: They can fire me?
Speaker 1: Wait wait, wait wait, Prince, missus Stuffi's father is a
rich man.
Speaker 3: How do you do? Let me look at you, my dear.
Oh yes, your your hair, your eyes, your ears, your lips?
Speaker 2: What about them?
Speaker 3: You have them all? Tonight. I shall make love to
you tonight. I shall make love to you tonight. I
shall make Prince you needle stock. I'm trying to talk
myself into it. Miss Duffy, you are beautiful, you are charming,
you are gorgeous, quick some vodka. Miss Duffy, you are
the most beautiful girl in the world. Begone, my princess,
and I shall join you att the cash register.
Speaker 2: Later Arreva, sweet Prince.
Speaker 3: I shall be dying every moment you are away from.
Speaker 2: Me, and when I return, I shall drop dead. Farewell, farewell, farewell,
my prince.
Speaker 1: Well Prince, now that you've met Miss Duffy, is there
any last requests?
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, a cigarette please? No blind fault? Well, high
arch he Hello, Clancy, I forgot to tell you. Oh
funny seeing you Trotsky. Good evening officer, Clancy.
Speaker 1: Wait, you do know each other, of course, I see
him down at the Russian room, the Russian room. Course,
best orman they ever had. Man. But I told Duffy
you was a prince.
Speaker 3: Doing that, fear Archie. From now on, I shall be
a pritt I will play the part du perfection.
Speaker 1: You'd better or else you'll be the one Russian who
won't walk out. Big party. Huh. Everyone seems to be happy. Well, yes,
sir mister and missus O'Toole is even talking to each
other for the first time in two years. Now, that's nice. Yeah,
it just poured them their twentieth beer. They don't recognize
each other at all. Oh that's swell, Eddie. Hey, uh,
how about we liven up the party with some Russian music,
you know, and not on our guest now, miss Archie. Well, hey,
the guests who are all skunked anyways, they're not gonna
be mad. Clancy Clancy ed is gonna sing a song
rap on Moriotti's skull for order while I make the
announcement a sure thing.
Speaker 3: And the rest of you stay quiet.
Speaker 1: Tool and folks, we will now be rendered with a
performance from our very own singing waiter, Eddie Green. Let's
give him a little hand. Due to lack of accompaniment
and a strong urge to not do this, I relinquished
the floor going for the peaceful revolution. Huh and bravo?
Speaker 2: Heyachi, how about I sing my song now?
Speaker 1: Oh? Sure thing? Okay, folks, now we shall hear. Oh
just a moment, Hello, oh hello Duffy. Where are you? Huh?
Missus Duffy was hit by a truck. That's terrible. Anything broken?
Speaker 3: Uh?
Speaker 1: The radiator and the two fenders. Huh, Wait a minute,
what happened to missus Duffy? She just snacked a bumper
a little look. Just dash in the garage and hurry over.
This party's hopping off. Okay, okay, see you soon. Now,
as I was saying, folks, now we shall hear the
song of our guest of honor, Miss Duffy, accompanied by
Clifton Finnegan and Prince Itchy Bachi.
Speaker 2: I'm supposed to sing this song all bone.
Speaker 1: If you do, you will be well. Folks. Here they
are a lad alas and a lex.
Speaker 2: Oucha.
Speaker 1: Before we start, any bolsheviks, now's the time for an
emergency otbreak. Take it quick, well, Prince, how'd you like
Miss Duffy's voice?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 3: I loved it. We Russians love to suffer.
Speaker 1: Then you mean you'll propose to her?
Speaker 3: Oh? Why not? I mean she's not too old. Maybe
her voice will change.
Speaker 1: You mean you're gonna marry her.
Speaker 3: It's either these or I go back to Siberia. Miss Duffy,
my little squeezebox. You are beautiful all of my life.
I've dreamed of you. Mor Vodka, Please, you are my inspiration.
Just being with you makes my blood tingle.
Speaker 2: You mean you like me?
Speaker 3: Frankly, no, but you have clutched the purse strings of
my heart. Miss Daffy. I wish you would do me
the honor of becoming Wait, what what is that thing?
That monster coming through the door.
Speaker 1: Coming through the door. That's no monster, that's.
Speaker 3: Duffy, my father in law to be.
Speaker 1: Yeah, hey, where are you going? Back to Siberia Bank
BU