Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
Speaker 1: I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio App. This is the time of the
Speaker 1: show where I am answering your questions, your relationship questions. Reminder,
Speaker 1: I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, but I love
Speaker 1: to weigh in on people's love lives. I have written
Speaker 1: three books on relationships, I did a dissertation on attachment theory,
Speaker 1: and I've been reading about and writing about the science
Speaker 1: of love for three decades. So if you want to
Speaker 1: send me a DM, Kayla is checking Instagram. If we
Speaker 1: don't get to it today, then she'll save it and
Speaker 1: we could answer it on another week. So just the
Speaker 1: handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Ooh,
Speaker 1: I'm scrolling through here and we are starting with something
Speaker 1: very sensitive. Dear Doctor Wendy. My wife tests did positive
Speaker 1: for an STD and she swear she hasn't cheated. I
Speaker 1: tested negative. Could the results have shown up late? Or
Speaker 1: is she lying to me. We've been together for two years,
Speaker 1: dating for one and married for one. All Right, this
Speaker 1: is a question for a medical doctor because I suspect
Speaker 1: that there are certain STDs that lie dormant and then
Speaker 1: become somemptomatic later. I also suspect that there are ways
Speaker 1: women can pick up things from what you know, other
Speaker 1: ways things that touch them. I suspect you also did
Speaker 1: not say which sexually transmitted infection she had, So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say, don't one hundred percent jump to conclusions until
Speaker 1: you both go to a doctor and maybe go to
Speaker 1: a couple's therapist and talk about this, because this is
Speaker 1: a huge one and you don't want to lie there
Speaker 1: thinking that you can't trust her for the rest of
Speaker 1: your marriage. Right, this is a big moment of opportunity
Speaker 1: for you guys to get in the office of a
Speaker 1: licensed marriage and family therapist and really talk about all
Speaker 1: your feelings, even if it's just to work out your
Speaker 1: feelings of fear and potential betrayal that you're experiencing. Right,
Speaker 1: Remember this story of Oh, that sad, horrific story of
Speaker 1: the woman in France who had been married for many,
Speaker 1: many years to the guy and he was drugging her
Speaker 1: at night for like a decade and having men come
Speaker 1: in and have sex with her in the middle of
Speaker 1: the night, and she never knew. And she was going
Speaker 1: to all these doctors and getting STIs and they couldn't
Speaker 1: figure out why.
Speaker 2: I don't think.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you're doing that with your that
Speaker 1: It just made me think of that. Go see a therapist,
Speaker 1: you guys. That's a big one. It's really really and
Speaker 1: it could be a crisis, and it could create lifelong mistrust.
Speaker 1: All right, dear doctor Wendy. Oh, here's a run of
Speaker 1: the mill question I get all the time. Is someone
Speaker 1: still being in communication with their ex an automatic red flag?
Speaker 1: They have no children, and I believe there's still love there.
Speaker 1: Oh that's interesting. Why do you believe that? I just
Speaker 1: want to know if I should proceed with this person
Speaker 1: and his consistent advances. All right, So I think you
Speaker 1: want to find out more about the nature of this relationship. Remember,
Speaker 1: sometimes the most securely attached people, even after they break
Speaker 1: up or divorce, stay attached to their ex because they're
Speaker 1: looking for a new stepping stone. Right, You're the stepping
Speaker 1: stone to their next secure attachment. You, but there might
Speaker 1: be some overlap in between. I don't mean dating both
Speaker 1: of you, but I mean it takes a while for
Speaker 1: you to become their person. I mean, in some ways,
Speaker 1: I sometimes think people who are still attached their exes
Speaker 1: have a better ability to attach than those that are
Speaker 1: the lone wolves out there, who are so autonomous, so
Speaker 1: independent that they have nobody around them. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: why do you think there's still you believe you said
Speaker 1: that there's still love there. So is he speaking too
Speaker 1: highly of her? Have they just broken up recently? Do
Speaker 1: you sense that he wants to get back with her.
Speaker 1: I mean, there's a lot more information that I would need,
Speaker 1: but I'll tell you I have broken up with guys
Speaker 1: in the past who are a little too cozy with
Speaker 1: their ex So I was like, why, don't mean I'm
Speaker 1: just you have a wife. I guess I'm just the mistress.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I remember like pulling in the garage
Speaker 1: of this guy and his car in his car, and
Speaker 1: the headlights shined on a sign on the wall that
Speaker 1: was the name of their married name, mister and missus whatever.
Speaker 1: I guess it was some sign from like it was
Speaker 1: his last name, like the blankety Blank's house, and I said,
Speaker 1: why do you have that sign? He goes, Oh, it
Speaker 1: used to be the sign on my house when I
Speaker 1: was married. I go, why do you still have it?
Speaker 1: You've been divorced for many years? He said, gotta know,
Speaker 1: just seems weird to throw away. Right. I'm like, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden, I'm Mariecondo on this guy. I'm like,
Speaker 1: you got to get rid of that stuff. It exists.
Speaker 1: You come into your garage every day and you still
Speaker 1: see the sign that you're still the blankety blinks together.
Speaker 1: That wasn't their last name. I'm making it up, all right,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy. Ooh, a question about jobs and finances.
Speaker 1: This is always hard. I've been with my boyfriend for
Speaker 1: three years. Well where are you going from here? I
Speaker 1: don't know how old jo You didn't say, okay, he
Speaker 1: knows my career goals. He makes about three hundred thousand
Speaker 1: dollars a year. Oh, very good. I finally got a
Speaker 1: job offer with the same amount of money as him.
Speaker 1: Ooh nice. And to my surprise, instead, I know it's coming.
Speaker 1: And to my surprise, instead of being proud of me,
Speaker 1: he chastised me and told me I'm too excited about
Speaker 1: money and I didn't earn it because someone just gave
Speaker 1: it to me. What the heck was that? He always
Speaker 1: said he wanted me to win in life, and then
Speaker 1: he acted jealous when I started winning. I think we
Speaker 1: should break up. What do you think? Well? I think
Speaker 1: you want to help him get in touch with his
Speaker 1: feelings first, instead of breaking up after three years, just
Speaker 1: simply say it sounds like my new job and my
Speaker 1: new salary has brought up a lot of feelings for you.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about what you're experiencing. Or Hey, I was
Speaker 1: hoping you would feel really proud of me, but it
Speaker 1: feels like you feel competitive with me. Am I reading
Speaker 1: it right? These are the things you say. Listen. One
Speaker 1: time I did a guy. He was a restaurant tour.
Speaker 1: I had been to cooking school. I found this cute
Speaker 1: little space. I mean, I was just dreaming. I wasn't
Speaker 1: even doing it, and I found this cute little empty
Speaker 1: restaurant space. I said, oh, my gosh, I should open
Speaker 1: a little restaurant there, because you know, I just finished
Speaker 1: cooking school. And he made a comment like you, like
Speaker 1: you've never been in the restaurant business, Like it's just
Speaker 1: so like, there's no way that I could ever do that,
Speaker 1: and I thought, wow, can you imagine being that insecure?
Speaker 1: Instead of saying that looks like a good space, I
Speaker 1: can advise you I've been in the business a while.
Speaker 1: That's cool. Instead of encouraging somebody and helping them, we
Speaker 1: just like shot me down. Yeah I dumped him, just
Speaker 1: saying I dumped him. Hey, when we come back. I'm
Speaker 1: going to continue to answer your social media questions. If
Speaker 1: you do have a DM for me, send it on
Speaker 1: my Instagram. Send me a DM slid into my DMS.
Speaker 1: The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Andy Welsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty and welcome back to the.
Speaker 1: Doctor Wendy Wellsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Heading back to the social media,
Speaker 1: send me a DM at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. I will be happy to way in on
Speaker 1: your love life. Remember I'm a professor, not a therapist.
Speaker 1: That's why I like to call this drive by makeshift
Speaker 1: relationship advice. But it's fun, so let's do it. Little
Speaker 1: entertainment for you, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I dated
Speaker 1: a man three years ago, and he fell in love
Speaker 1: with me the day he met me. At least he
Speaker 1: told me this. Okay, just want to stop everybody right there.
Speaker 1: Love at first sight is not a thing. It's called
Speaker 1: lost at first sight. And he's just got a surge
Speaker 1: of neuro hormonies that made him think it's love. Okay,
Speaker 1: she continues, We didn't work out, but now we're back
Speaker 1: to dating. I'm in love with him, but now he's
Speaker 1: acting avoidant. It bothers me. I feel secure and he's avoidant.
Speaker 1: When he was secure, I was avoidant. Can this ever
Speaker 1: work out? Well? It could work out if you could
Speaker 1: talk to him about these things instead of me. No.
Speaker 1: What I mean is that everything in a relationship that
Speaker 1: feels difficult should be commented on instead of playing a
Speaker 1: game like, oh well, I'll just act avoidant and see
Speaker 1: if he'll turn around and then he'll chase me or whatever. Okay,
Speaker 1: the first three, four or five days, sure, but you
Speaker 1: know This is like you're going retrosexual here. You're getting
Speaker 1: back with an ex, so you need to say. This
Speaker 1: is what I would say if I were you, I
Speaker 1: would say, at a moment of tenderness, I would say, hey,
Speaker 1: it's really interesting because when we dated three years ago,
Speaker 1: you told me you fell in love with me right away,
Speaker 1: and I know I didn't reciprocate the way you deserve.
Speaker 1: And now I'm here and feeling those feelings. But I'm
Speaker 1: wondering if you're feeling any differently. Can we talk about this?
Speaker 1: That's all you say, and it opens up the whole conversation.
Speaker 1: You can do this, bring it up your question. Can
Speaker 1: this ever work out?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Yes, if you do the work you need to do,
Speaker 1: which is talk about things in earnest. All right, Dear doctor, Wendy,
Speaker 1: a woman I am dating oh lost her home in
Speaker 1: the fires. She's been staying with her ex husband ever since.
Speaker 1: She claims they're just friends. I'm uncomfortable with this. However,
Speaker 1: it's too early for her to move in with me.
Speaker 1: How should I address this? This is an excellent question.
Speaker 1: You know, everybody in the world has their person. Their
Speaker 1: person is their secure base. It is the person they
Speaker 1: would call at two in the morning if they had
Speaker 1: chest pain. It is the person they would call in
Speaker 1: an emergency to drive them to the airport. It is
Speaker 1: the person who's home they might sleep in after they've
Speaker 1: lost their home in a fire. Now, you said it yourself.
Speaker 1: It's too early for her to stay with you, but
Speaker 1: you don't want to lose her. She went to a
Speaker 1: place that she remembers historically was a place of safety.
Speaker 1: But if they're divorced, then for sure it's not her.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, it's not her place of safety. Now, So
Speaker 1: here's what you need to do. You need to support
Speaker 1: this because you can't offer this, and you need to
Speaker 1: say it. Say something like this. You know, I would
Speaker 1: love to have you move in with me, but it
Speaker 1: feels kind of awkward because we don't know each other
Speaker 1: well enough. But I want you to know I'm enjoying
Speaker 1: getting to know you and I really care about you.
Speaker 1: So I want to help you in as many other
Speaker 1: ways as possible. So you've got to eclipse his help.
Speaker 1: You've got to figure out what you can do. How
Speaker 1: can I help you? Are there form fillings, phone calls,
Speaker 1: insurance companies, lawyers. You got to call like get on it.
Speaker 1: Be her partner in this as she solves the tragedy
Speaker 1: of her life. You need to be her emotional partner.
Speaker 1: He may be a roof over her head, but remember
Speaker 1: she left him, okay, and she doesn't want to be there,
Speaker 1: but it does feel like it. I mean you said
Speaker 1: I feel too early. I don't know how long you've
Speaker 1: been seeing her, but be on her side, be her partner,
Speaker 1: help her get her life back. All right? Moving on,
Speaker 1: here's another DM. Okay, Dear doctor Wendy. I've been dating
Speaker 1: my guy for three months and he's never invited me
Speaker 1: back to his place. We even were there, were out
Speaker 1: for drinks until two a m. Ten minutes from his place,
Speaker 1: and once we were done, he suggests we go back
Speaker 1: to my place, which was forty five minutes away. Is
Speaker 1: this a red flag? Booh boah, whoa, whoa, it's red sirens.
Speaker 1: It's red flags, it's red lights going off. It's a
Speaker 1: lot of red happening here. First of all, I hope
Speaker 1: you're not sleeping with him. You would have sex with
Speaker 1: a man, and you haven't even seen like is decorating.
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness. You need to check out his digs first,
Speaker 1: because if it ever goes anywhere, he's gonna be moving
Speaker 1: into your place, or you're into his way, you're gonna
Speaker 1: be If it goes somewhere, you're gonna have all his
Speaker 1: trash with you, his bad decorating, his smelly sweat saw.
Speaker 1: I'm imagining the worst, the trash that's growing, the mold
Speaker 1: around the shower. No, you need to check it out,
Speaker 1: you know. I remember a few years ago I met
Speaker 1: a woman and she was quite affluent, and she met
Speaker 1: a guy who was as successful as she was, and
Speaker 1: she was very excited. They had I don't know, four
Speaker 1: or five dates out there in the wild, and then
Speaker 1: she said, I wanted to go see his place. And
Speaker 1: I saw his place and there were so many stains
Speaker 1: on the carpet and it was just it was big,
Speaker 1: but it wasn't decorated well and it was just so gross.
Speaker 1: And I said, well, you can look at it one
Speaker 1: of two ways. It can either be like, he needs
Speaker 1: a woman, for sure, there's space for you to take
Speaker 1: over and fix that up, or do you want to
Speaker 1: rehab project right? I mean, sometimes I don't like it
Speaker 1: when guys are too independent and too perfect with their place,
Speaker 1: because you're like, what do you need me for right.
Speaker 1: But on the other hand, I don't want to have
Speaker 1: to do a remodel on everybody's life. So you need
Speaker 1: to see their cave, see their cave. They should want
Speaker 1: to see your cave. And obviously your cave passed a tesk.
Speaker 1: Is he driving forty five minutes to two in the
Speaker 1: morning to get to your lovely cave? It's a red flag.
Speaker 1: It's a red flag, definitely. All right, where are we
Speaker 1: going when we come back? Oh my gosh. So one
Speaker 1: of the reasons why people worry so much about falling
Speaker 1: in love and dating people is they're not actually worried
Speaker 1: about falling in love. They're worried about the pain of
Speaker 1: the breakup. That's what they're worried about. When we come back,
Speaker 1: let's talk about all the main reasons why relationships break up,
Speaker 1: because if you know that, then maybe you could prevent it. Right,
Speaker 1: Let's talk about reasons relationships end when we come back.
Speaker 1: You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty one live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, love hurts,
Speaker 1: and the reason why love hurts and why love is
Speaker 1: scary and why a love is difficult and challenging isn't
Speaker 1: so much the love part. It's the ending of the
Speaker 1: love part. It's the breakups that hurt. It's this fear
Speaker 1: that if I open myself up, if I get close
Speaker 1: to somebody, they could leave me. If I trust somebody,
Speaker 1: they could betray me. Right. It is that fear that
Speaker 1: makes love so terrifying. And what's really interesting is there
Speaker 1: are only a handful of reasons of why relationships end,
Speaker 1: and there are some things we could do to literally
Speaker 1: prevent it if you understand ahead of time. Uh oh,
Speaker 1: these are the land minds. These are the things, according
Speaker 1: to statistics, where relationships are most likely to break up,
Speaker 1: whether it's a divorce, breakup, whatever. So let's talk about
Speaker 1: what happens down the road after dating, after courtship, maybe
Speaker 1: after marriage, or after moving in together and the day
Speaker 1: to day relationship stuff comes up. These are the things
Speaker 1: that cause relationships to break up. Number one less sharing,
Speaker 1: when partners stop sharing their feelings, their vulnerable needs, their concerns.
Speaker 1: That's when misunderstandings can happen. And when you don't speak
Speaker 1: your emotions, there can be like a build up. Maybe
Speaker 1: somebody's just giving somebody the silent treatment, which there's tons
Speaker 1: of research to show that is the worst conflict style ever.
Speaker 1: Giving somebody the silent treatment and the lack of overall
Speaker 1: communication can make small problems feel much bigger. There's so
Speaker 1: much research to support the idea that the thing that
Speaker 1: keeps long term committed people together are open, honest conversations.
Speaker 1: This is what keeps people close. Emotional intimacy is the glue.
Speaker 1: So when people get busy, they're in day to day relationship. Okay,
Speaker 1: you go in there, what's the schedule. We'll see you
Speaker 1: Sunday for this. This is happening now. Okay, you're going
Speaker 1: to pick up the kids. Great, are you cooking? And
Speaker 1: you're stopping by the grocery store and before you know it,
Speaker 1: no one's talked about their needs. You know, one of
Speaker 1: the things my husband, Julio and I do a lot
Speaker 1: as we go for long walks. We like to walk.
Speaker 1: We hold hands when we walk, and something magical happens
Speaker 1: not all the time, but often we just talk not
Speaker 1: about schedules, but about our feelings, our goals, our growth.
Speaker 1: Somehow it's just easier to talk about things when we're
Speaker 1: just walking along holding hands. But we do do that. Right.
Speaker 1: Here's another thing I mentioned, schedules that often ends relationships. Boredom. Boredom,
Speaker 1: boring schedules. You see, healthy, happy relationships require two things. Stability, right.
Speaker 1: That means that feeling of security that comes out of stability,
Speaker 1: knowing the person's always going to be there. And novelty.
Speaker 1: So when people get in long term relationships, they stop
Speaker 1: the spontaneous dates, the sweet gestures of love, the surprises.
Speaker 1: All that gets pushed aside because you're busy with your
Speaker 1: everyday responsibilities and all the stability side that you have
Speaker 1: to create novelty. You have to go different places, see
Speaker 1: your partner in a different place. Couples need to continue
Speaker 1: to make things fun and fresh. And yes, that's the
Speaker 1: quote unquote work of a relationship. Right, Boring schedules, boredom,
Speaker 1: it'll kill a relationship every time. Oh here's another one.
Speaker 1: Maybe you have in laws and you know about this,
Speaker 1: or busybody friends telling you leave him, leave her, external interference. Look,
Speaker 1: family members and friends don't always have your best interests
Speaker 1: at heart, So never ever let other people make decisions
Speaker 1: about things going on in your relationship between you and
Speaker 1: your partner. Right, It's really important that the two of
Speaker 1: you are a unified front against the world, and that
Speaker 1: includes family, it includes friends. So external interference can sometimes
Speaker 1: cause breakups. And how about just busyness? I mentioned boredom before,
Speaker 1: but how about busyness. Sometimes couples are so busy just
Speaker 1: getting through life. It's when life eclipses couple time and
Speaker 1: they no longer have any quality time. You know, I
Speaker 1: mentioned our long walk are our quality time. They really are.
Speaker 1: But it's important that you don't get yourself so busy
Speaker 1: that you forget to schedule time alone. Here's one of
Speaker 1: my favorites, and this is supported by research. One of
Speaker 1: the most common things that breaks people up is couples
Speaker 1: that don't have enough arguments. Now, stay with me. We're
Speaker 1: not talking about knockdown, drag them out, yelling, screaming fights.
Speaker 1: We're talking about daily border skirmishes, little tiny conflict resolutions
Speaker 1: that happen all the time. You see, what happens is
Speaker 1: if you don't work out all these little things. If
Speaker 1: they get ignored avoided, they don't go away. They get
Speaker 1: buried underneath and guess what they build up? Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: like a volcano and they irerupt later. So the healthiest
Speaker 1: couples actually have the most frequent conflict, but it's not
Speaker 1: ever a big fight. It's just stating their peace and
Speaker 1: negotiating their boundaries constantly. Another sad one that ends many
Speaker 1: relationships are just divergent life goals, whether the goals have
Speaker 1: to do with a family, whether one wants to have
Speaker 1: children or not, career, whether you've talked about the couple
Speaker 1: moving for one person's career or another, financial goals, maybe
Speaker 1: even values like religious values. You see, so many couples
Speaker 1: get swept up in courtship, romance, wedding planning and they
Speaker 1: haven't really been realistic with each other about their individual
Speaker 1: life goals, and they will break up because their goals
Speaker 1: are just so different. And finally, and this is a
Speaker 1: big one, long term, happily married people still respect their partners,
Speaker 1: They still value their partners. When you start to devalue
Speaker 1: your partner and your brain like I could do better
Speaker 1: and lose, they feel ignored, They feel taken for granted,
Speaker 1: This is when things erode, because a happy relationship is
Speaker 1: in your own head. You know, you might look at
Speaker 1: other people who say, oh, we're really happy together, or
Speaker 1: you might be like, I wouldn't that's not no, it
Speaker 1: wouldn't work for me, but it works for them. And
Speaker 1: if they believe they're happy, if they believe their partner
Speaker 1: is great, then they are. Life is a self fulfilling
Speaker 1: prophecy and it's an inside job, all right. So remind
Speaker 1: yourself every day of why you value your partner. Hey,
Speaker 1: have you been single for a while, Maybe you went
Speaker 1: through a breakup, maybe something's going on in your life.
Speaker 1: When we come back, let's talk about when is the
Speaker 1: time to get back into the dating game. When are
Speaker 1: you ready for love? We've got it. When we come back.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show and KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty we Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on a Man from
Speaker 2: KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. You know I used to have a
Speaker 1: saying when I used to run with my single pack
Speaker 1: of girls, I used to say, you shouldn't have a
Speaker 1: relationship until you're sick of being single. I mean really
Speaker 1: sick of being single, because we were having a lot
Speaker 1: of fun being single. I'm just gonna say, but there
Speaker 1: are other times in your life when you might not
Speaker 1: be ready for a relationship. And I don't think it's
Speaker 1: fair to waste somebody's time if you're not really ready
Speaker 1: for a relationship. What message are you sending if you're
Speaker 1: out there dating for what? Okay, I know you might
Speaker 1: be looking for a short term relationship, got it, that's okay.
Speaker 1: Just be honest and use protection. You know, there are
Speaker 1: lots of reasons why somebody might not be ready for relationship.
Speaker 1: Maybe they're emotionally recovering from a divorce or another kind
Speaker 1: of painful breakup, or they're going to therapy and working
Speaker 1: on their emotional intelligence. They want to wait till they
Speaker 1: have some better relationship skills. Maybe it's a stage of
Speaker 1: life thing. They might be consumed by raising small children
Speaker 1: and have no room for a romantic partner. I was
Speaker 1: that for a lot of years. I was a single
Speaker 1: mother for twenty years, and I used to think to myself,
Speaker 1: if some dude wants me to spend money on childcare
Speaker 1: and time and money getting ready to go out with him,
Speaker 1: I'm just exhausted by the end of the day. It's
Speaker 1: like so much work. I felt that way, especially when
Speaker 1: you have you come home to little kids who are
Speaker 1: punishing you for going out. Maybe somebody's not ready for
Speaker 1: a relationship because they've decided they're going to work on
Speaker 1: their physical health. They're gonna get in shape, they're gonna
Speaker 1: lose weight, they're gonna curb some addictions they might have.
Speaker 1: Or maybe somebody says simply getting their life together. They're
Speaker 1: focusing on their education, their finances, their career advancement. So
Speaker 1: you know, no matter what the reason, evolutionary psychologists might
Speaker 1: call this period of single life a time of increasing
Speaker 1: one's mate value. It's an important mating strategy. You're preparing
Speaker 1: for re entering the making mating. I'll get it up
Speaker 1: mating marketplace. So I think sometimes having a stretch of
Speaker 1: self improvement is important. But I have one caveat. You
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself if you really are working on
Speaker 1: yourself or you're just avoiding. Are you avoiding dating. There's
Speaker 1: a really big difference because we don't learn anything and
Speaker 1: we don't grow by just avoiding relationships. Now, you may
Speaker 1: not be ready for a relationship, But does that mean
Speaker 1: you shouldn't date at all? It depends, I mean, obviously,
Speaker 1: if you know you aren't ready to bring the absolute
Speaker 1: best of yourself to the dating table, it's probably not
Speaker 1: a good idea to torture yourself with. Well, maybe rejection
Speaker 1: by attractive mates or oh god, I felt this one
Speaker 1: enduring cringing interest from low value mates. Okay, here's what
Speaker 1: I mean, by the way. So I'll use the example
Speaker 1: of me, because I'm the person I know the most.
Speaker 1: So when I was young and pre kids, I was hot.
Speaker 1: I was a flip in ten. I'm not gonna lie
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 2: I was.
Speaker 1: And the kinds of guys that would come towards me
Speaker 1: not necessarily great relationship material, but you know, wealthy, gorgeous,
Speaker 1: great bodies, whatever, whatever, whatever, kai in their careers, whatever.
Speaker 1: But when I had two little kids around my ankles,
Speaker 1: I started watching these dudes who would have never had
Speaker 1: the nerve to walk up to me and flirt with me,
Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, I'm like, what has happened?
Speaker 1: Has my mate value gone down? And indeed, sadly, the
Speaker 1: research does show that when humans have the burden of
Speaker 1: raising kids around them, that's a big burden to enter
Speaker 1: into relationship with our mate value goes down. But guess
Speaker 1: what I learned the kids get older, it goes right
Speaker 1: back up again, and peers are attracted to peers across
Speaker 1: the lifespan. So I was like, oh, right back out.
Speaker 1: Those gorgeous guys had just been through their divorce and
Speaker 1: it all worked out. Find So I do want to
Speaker 1: say this, if you're not ready for a relationship, there
Speaker 1: could be some reasons to kind of date. You might
Speaker 1: want to dip your toe in to see where you're
Speaker 1: standing in the mating marketplace. Maybe you are busy losing weight,
Speaker 1: curbing your addictions, growing in your emotional intelligence, right, so
Speaker 1: you want to just see how you're doing. On the
Speaker 1: other hand, you don't want to waste somebody's time. You
Speaker 1: want to be an honest, ethical person, right. But dating
Speaker 1: is the only way to practice relationship skills. You practice communication,
Speaker 1: exerting boundaries, expressing some emotional intimacy. So you can't do
Speaker 1: that if you're just alone. So there is some benefit
Speaker 1: to dating a bit even if you're not fully ready
Speaker 1: for a relationship. So the question is are you ready
Speaker 1: to really get it back out there? Are you ready
Speaker 1: to have a relationship. I have come up with four questions.
Speaker 1: If the answer is no to each of these questions,
Speaker 1: then you have my permission to get right back out there.
Speaker 1: You've overcome your divorce, your self improvement, whatever. Number one,
Speaker 1: are you dating to make your ex jealous? You're not
Speaker 1: over that relationship? That then okay. So if you're not
Speaker 1: dating to make your ex jealous, then you can get
Speaker 1: on out there. Are you dating for attention to raise
Speaker 1: your self esteem? I'm going to just get out there.
Speaker 1: People are gonna pay for me, compliment me. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: feel so pretty. No, you're not ready. Are you afraid
Speaker 1: to be authentic when it comes to expressing your emotions?
Speaker 1: If the answer is no and you're not afraid, then
Speaker 1: it's time to get out there. And finally, are you
Speaker 1: not able to set boundaries? If the answer is no,
Speaker 1: that means you can set boundaries. Great, head on out there.
Speaker 1: I do want to address one thing before we go,
Speaker 1: which is there is this talk that you can't love
Speaker 1: somebody else until you love yourself first, and so you
Speaker 1: have to do that work on yourself. But I think
Speaker 1: people are really confused about what the definition of self
Speaker 1: love is. Self love doesn't necessarily mean having super high
Speaker 1: self esteem believing that you're perfect. Self love involves accepting
Speaker 1: your flaws and understanding your human being. It's about out
Speaker 1: treating your body and mind well, prioritizing your own mental
Speaker 1: and physical health when you're in a relationship or out
Speaker 1: a relationship. Self love means giving yourself permission to have
Speaker 1: a voice in your relationships without fear that your partner
Speaker 1: will leave. Right. Look, we're always working on ourselves. That
Speaker 1: should never ever stop, whether we're single, whether we're in
Speaker 1: a relationship, and sometimes the sexiest thing is having the
Speaker 1: confidence to say, here's what I'm proud of, here are
Speaker 1: my tender spots, and here's what I'm working on. Because
Speaker 1: being real and authentic, I think is self love. So
Speaker 1: get on out there. Someone else will love you too.
Speaker 1: You have been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Speaker 1: I am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm.
Speaker 1: You can follow me on my social media. The handle
Speaker 1: is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I don't know if you know,
Speaker 1: but I took a year off social media. I'm back
Speaker 1: on again, posting like crazy. So and if you miss
Speaker 1: any part of the show, you can always find it
Speaker 1: after the show on the iHeartRadio app. But I'll see
Speaker 1: you next week. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: You can always hear us live on KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
Speaker 1: on demand on the iHeartRadio app.