WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.600 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.720 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor 4 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:13.199 Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere 5 00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:16.120 on the iHeartRadio App. This is the time of the 6 00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:21.199 show where I am answering your questions, your relationship questions. Reminder, 7 00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:23.519 I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, but I love 8 00:00:23.559 --> 00:00:25.879 to weigh in on people's love lives. I have written 9 00:00:25.920 --> 00:00:30.039 three books on relationships, I did a dissertation on attachment theory, 10 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:32.799 and I've been reading about and writing about the science 11 00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:36.240 of love for three decades. So if you want to 12 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:41.159 send me a DM, Kayla is checking Instagram. If we 13 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:43.640 don't get to it today, then she'll save it and 14 00:00:43.719 --> 00:00:46.600 we could answer it on another week. So just the 15 00:00:46.679 --> 00:00:52.240 handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Ooh, 16 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:55.640 I'm scrolling through here and we are starting with something 17 00:00:55.880 --> 00:01:00.840 very sensitive. Dear Doctor Wendy. My wife tests did positive 18 00:01:01.200 --> 00:01:05.799 for an STD and she swear she hasn't cheated. I 19 00:01:05.959 --> 00:01:10.239 tested negative. Could the results have shown up late? Or 20 00:01:10.280 --> 00:01:13.480 is she lying to me. We've been together for two years, 21 00:01:14.040 --> 00:01:18.239 dating for one and married for one. All Right, this 22 00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:23.599 is a question for a medical doctor because I suspect 23 00:01:24.000 --> 00:01:27.640 that there are certain STDs that lie dormant and then 24 00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:31.760 become somemptomatic later. I also suspect that there are ways 25 00:01:31.799 --> 00:01:35.799 women can pick up things from what you know, other 26 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:41.040 ways things that touch them. I suspect you also did 27 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:47.640 not say which sexually transmitted infection she had, So I'm 28 00:01:47.799 --> 00:01:53.640 gonna say, don't one hundred percent jump to conclusions until 29 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:56.840 you both go to a doctor and maybe go to 30 00:01:56.879 --> 00:01:59.159 a couple's therapist and talk about this, because this is 31 00:01:59.159 --> 00:02:02.000 a huge one and you don't want to lie there 32 00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:04.000 thinking that you can't trust her for the rest of 33 00:02:04.040 --> 00:02:08.000 your marriage. Right, this is a big moment of opportunity 34 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:10.240 for you guys to get in the office of a 35 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:13.960 licensed marriage and family therapist and really talk about all 36 00:02:14.039 --> 00:02:15.759 your feelings, even if it's just to work out your 37 00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:21.400 feelings of fear and potential betrayal that you're experiencing. Right, 38 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:26.560 Remember this story of Oh, that sad, horrific story of 39 00:02:26.599 --> 00:02:28.919 the woman in France who had been married for many, 40 00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:31.960 many years to the guy and he was drugging her 41 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:34.960 at night for like a decade and having men come 42 00:02:35.000 --> 00:02:37.000 in and have sex with her in the middle of 43 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:39.400 the night, and she never knew. And she was going 44 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:42.520 to all these doctors and getting STIs and they couldn't 45 00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:44.759 figure out why. 46 00:02:44.800 --> 00:02:45.199 I don't think. 47 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:48.240 I'm not saying that you're doing that with your that 48 00:02:48.280 --> 00:02:51.280 It just made me think of that. Go see a therapist, 49 00:02:51.280 --> 00:02:54.080 you guys. That's a big one. It's really really and 50 00:02:54.120 --> 00:02:58.000 it could be a crisis, and it could create lifelong mistrust. 51 00:02:59.240 --> 00:03:02.120 All right, dear doctor Wendy. Oh, here's a run of 52 00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:04.879 the mill question I get all the time. Is someone 53 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:08.639 still being in communication with their ex an automatic red flag? 54 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:12.439 They have no children, and I believe there's still love there. 55 00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:15.800 Oh that's interesting. Why do you believe that? I just 56 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:18.960 want to know if I should proceed with this person 57 00:03:19.639 --> 00:03:24.479 and his consistent advances. All right, So I think you 58 00:03:24.560 --> 00:03:28.919 want to find out more about the nature of this relationship. Remember, 59 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:32.560 sometimes the most securely attached people, even after they break 60 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:36.560 up or divorce, stay attached to their ex because they're 61 00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:39.719 looking for a new stepping stone. Right, You're the stepping 62 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:42.960 stone to their next secure attachment. You, but there might 63 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:45.240 be some overlap in between. I don't mean dating both 64 00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:48.520 of you, but I mean it takes a while for 65 00:03:48.599 --> 00:03:52.039 you to become their person. I mean, in some ways, 66 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:56.400 I sometimes think people who are still attached their exes 67 00:03:57.280 --> 00:04:00.280 have a better ability to attach than those that are 68 00:04:00.280 --> 00:04:03.240 the lone wolves out there, who are so autonomous, so 69 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:07.479 independent that they have nobody around them. On the other hand, 70 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:11.120 why do you think there's still you believe you said 71 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:15.400 that there's still love there. So is he speaking too 72 00:04:15.479 --> 00:04:20.720 highly of her? Have they just broken up recently? Do 73 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:22.639 you sense that he wants to get back with her. 74 00:04:22.680 --> 00:04:26.199 I mean, there's a lot more information that I would need, 75 00:04:26.759 --> 00:04:29.240 but I'll tell you I have broken up with guys 76 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:31.360 in the past who are a little too cozy with 77 00:04:31.399 --> 00:04:33.560 their ex So I was like, why, don't mean I'm 78 00:04:33.600 --> 00:04:36.439 just you have a wife. I guess I'm just the mistress. 79 00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:39.839 I don't know. I remember like pulling in the garage 80 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:42.680 of this guy and his car in his car, and 81 00:04:42.720 --> 00:04:46.199 the headlights shined on a sign on the wall that 82 00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:49.160 was the name of their married name, mister and missus whatever. 83 00:04:49.199 --> 00:04:51.800 I guess it was some sign from like it was 84 00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:55.519 his last name, like the blankety Blank's house, and I said, 85 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:56.920 why do you have that sign? He goes, Oh, it 86 00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:58.680 used to be the sign on my house when I 87 00:04:58.720 --> 00:05:00.720 was married. I go, why do you still have it? 88 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:04.040 You've been divorced for many years? He said, gotta know, 89 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:07.680 just seems weird to throw away. Right. I'm like, all 90 00:05:07.680 --> 00:05:10.199 of a sudden, I'm Mariecondo on this guy. I'm like, 91 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:12.480 you got to get rid of that stuff. It exists. 92 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:15.240 You come into your garage every day and you still 93 00:05:15.240 --> 00:05:17.680 see the sign that you're still the blankety blinks together. 94 00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:22.319 That wasn't their last name. I'm making it up, all right, 95 00:05:22.560 --> 00:05:25.560 Dear doctor Wendy. Ooh, a question about jobs and finances. 96 00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:28.000 This is always hard. I've been with my boyfriend for 97 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:31.199 three years. Well where are you going from here? I 98 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:33.240 don't know how old jo You didn't say, okay, he 99 00:05:33.319 --> 00:05:36.399 knows my career goals. He makes about three hundred thousand 100 00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:39.639 dollars a year. Oh, very good. I finally got a 101 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:41.639 job offer with the same amount of money as him. 102 00:05:41.759 --> 00:05:47.399 Ooh nice. And to my surprise, instead, I know it's coming. 103 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.319 And to my surprise, instead of being proud of me, 104 00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.000 he chastised me and told me I'm too excited about 105 00:05:55.040 --> 00:05:57.920 money and I didn't earn it because someone just gave 106 00:05:57.959 --> 00:06:01.279 it to me. What the heck was that? He always 107 00:06:01.319 --> 00:06:03.240 said he wanted me to win in life, and then 108 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:06.079 he acted jealous when I started winning. I think we 109 00:06:06.120 --> 00:06:09.319 should break up. What do you think? Well? I think 110 00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:10.600 you want to help him get in touch with his 111 00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:13.720 feelings first, instead of breaking up after three years, just 112 00:06:13.720 --> 00:06:16.360 simply say it sounds like my new job and my 113 00:06:16.439 --> 00:06:19.079 new salary has brought up a lot of feelings for you. 114 00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:23.519 Let's talk about what you're experiencing. Or Hey, I was 115 00:06:23.560 --> 00:06:25.879 hoping you would feel really proud of me, but it 116 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:30.240 feels like you feel competitive with me. Am I reading 117 00:06:30.240 --> 00:06:34.160 it right? These are the things you say. Listen. One 118 00:06:34.160 --> 00:06:36.639 time I did a guy. He was a restaurant tour. 119 00:06:37.079 --> 00:06:39.439 I had been to cooking school. I found this cute 120 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:42.040 little space. I mean, I was just dreaming. I wasn't 121 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:43.839 even doing it, and I found this cute little empty 122 00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:46.279 restaurant space. I said, oh, my gosh, I should open 123 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:48.680 a little restaurant there, because you know, I just finished 124 00:06:48.720 --> 00:06:52.439 cooking school. And he made a comment like you, like 125 00:06:52.519 --> 00:06:55.800 you've never been in the restaurant business, Like it's just 126 00:06:55.920 --> 00:07:00.399 so like, there's no way that I could ever do that, 127 00:07:01.040 --> 00:07:05.360 and I thought, wow, can you imagine being that insecure? 128 00:07:05.879 --> 00:07:08.480 Instead of saying that looks like a good space, I 129 00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:10.279 can advise you I've been in the business a while. 130 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:13.519 That's cool. Instead of encouraging somebody and helping them, we 131 00:07:13.680 --> 00:07:16.720 just like shot me down. Yeah I dumped him, just 132 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:19.560 saying I dumped him. Hey, when we come back. I'm 133 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.040 going to continue to answer your social media questions. If 134 00:07:22.040 --> 00:07:23.959 you do have a DM for me, send it on 135 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:26.800 my Instagram. Send me a DM slid into my DMS. 136 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:31.920 The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. 137 00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:34.199 You're listening to the Doctor Andy Welsh Show on KFI 138 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:38.439 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 139 00:07:39.480 --> 00:07:43.720 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 140 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:46.879 AM six forty and welcome back to the. 141 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:49.560 Doctor Wendy Wellsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live 142 00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:53.560 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Heading back to the social media, 143 00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:57.360 send me a DM at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr 144 00:07:57.519 --> 00:08:00.959 Wendy Walsh. I will be happy to way in on 145 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.959 your love life. Remember I'm a professor, not a therapist. 146 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.439 That's why I like to call this drive by makeshift 147 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:12.399 relationship advice. But it's fun, so let's do it. Little 148 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:17.120 entertainment for you, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I dated 149 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:20.199 a man three years ago, and he fell in love 150 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:22.759 with me the day he met me. At least he 151 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:25.959 told me this. Okay, just want to stop everybody right there. 152 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:28.720 Love at first sight is not a thing. It's called 153 00:08:28.800 --> 00:08:31.759 lost at first sight. And he's just got a surge 154 00:08:31.800 --> 00:08:34.840 of neuro hormonies that made him think it's love. Okay, 155 00:08:35.320 --> 00:08:38.720 she continues, We didn't work out, but now we're back 156 00:08:38.759 --> 00:08:42.200 to dating. I'm in love with him, but now he's 157 00:08:42.360 --> 00:08:47.840 acting avoidant. It bothers me. I feel secure and he's avoidant. 158 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:52.159 When he was secure, I was avoidant. Can this ever 159 00:08:52.360 --> 00:08:56.440 work out? Well? It could work out if you could 160 00:08:56.480 --> 00:08:59.799 talk to him about these things instead of me. No. 161 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:05.039 What I mean is that everything in a relationship that 162 00:09:05.200 --> 00:09:10.120 feels difficult should be commented on instead of playing a 163 00:09:10.159 --> 00:09:13.480 game like, oh well, I'll just act avoidant and see 164 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:16.360 if he'll turn around and then he'll chase me or whatever. Okay, 165 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.840 the first three, four or five days, sure, but you 166 00:09:18.840 --> 00:09:22.080 know This is like you're going retrosexual here. You're getting 167 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:24.679 back with an ex, so you need to say. This 168 00:09:24.720 --> 00:09:26.720 is what I would say if I were you, I 169 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:29.879 would say, at a moment of tenderness, I would say, hey, 170 00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:32.879 it's really interesting because when we dated three years ago, 171 00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:35.600 you told me you fell in love with me right away, 172 00:09:36.879 --> 00:09:40.679 and I know I didn't reciprocate the way you deserve. 173 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:45.039 And now I'm here and feeling those feelings. But I'm 174 00:09:45.120 --> 00:09:48.759 wondering if you're feeling any differently. Can we talk about this? 175 00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:52.759 That's all you say, and it opens up the whole conversation. 176 00:09:53.879 --> 00:09:58.840 You can do this, bring it up your question. Can 177 00:09:58.919 --> 00:09:59.679 this ever work out? 178 00:09:59.799 --> 00:09:59.960 Yes? 179 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:02.480 Yes, if you do the work you need to do, 180 00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:06.679 which is talk about things in earnest. All right, Dear doctor, Wendy, 181 00:10:06.759 --> 00:10:09.519 a woman I am dating oh lost her home in 182 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:14.240 the fires. She's been staying with her ex husband ever since. 183 00:10:14.960 --> 00:10:19.480 She claims they're just friends. I'm uncomfortable with this. However, 184 00:10:19.679 --> 00:10:21.879 it's too early for her to move in with me. 185 00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:26.320 How should I address this? This is an excellent question. 186 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:30.120 You know, everybody in the world has their person. Their 187 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:32.960 person is their secure base. It is the person they 188 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:35.559 would call at two in the morning if they had 189 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:38.720 chest pain. It is the person they would call in 190 00:10:38.759 --> 00:10:41.600 an emergency to drive them to the airport. It is 191 00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:46.600 the person who's home they might sleep in after they've 192 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:52.480 lost their home in a fire. Now, you said it yourself. 193 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:57.279 It's too early for her to stay with you, but 194 00:10:57.360 --> 00:11:01.080 you don't want to lose her. She went to a 195 00:11:01.120 --> 00:11:05.240 place that she remembers historically was a place of safety. 196 00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:09.000 But if they're divorced, then for sure it's not her. 197 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:13.000 Excuse me, it's not her place of safety. Now, So 198 00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:15.679 here's what you need to do. You need to support 199 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.320 this because you can't offer this, and you need to 200 00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:24.879 say it. Say something like this. You know, I would 201 00:11:24.919 --> 00:11:27.440 love to have you move in with me, but it 202 00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:29.799 feels kind of awkward because we don't know each other 203 00:11:29.960 --> 00:11:33.480 well enough. But I want you to know I'm enjoying 204 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:35.960 getting to know you and I really care about you. 205 00:11:36.559 --> 00:11:38.720 So I want to help you in as many other 206 00:11:38.799 --> 00:11:43.519 ways as possible. So you've got to eclipse his help. 207 00:11:44.240 --> 00:11:46.519 You've got to figure out what you can do. How 208 00:11:46.559 --> 00:11:49.559 can I help you? Are there form fillings, phone calls, 209 00:11:49.639 --> 00:11:53.559 insurance companies, lawyers. You got to call like get on it. 210 00:11:53.639 --> 00:11:57.879 Be her partner in this as she solves the tragedy 211 00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:01.720 of her life. You need to be her emotional partner. 212 00:12:02.240 --> 00:12:04.000 He may be a roof over her head, but remember 213 00:12:04.039 --> 00:12:07.000 she left him, okay, and she doesn't want to be there, 214 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:10.360 but it does feel like it. I mean you said 215 00:12:10.519 --> 00:12:12.000 I feel too early. I don't know how long you've 216 00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:16.519 been seeing her, but be on her side, be her partner, 217 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.919 help her get her life back. All right? Moving on, 218 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:26.360 here's another DM. Okay, Dear doctor Wendy. I've been dating 219 00:12:26.360 --> 00:12:28.879 my guy for three months and he's never invited me 220 00:12:28.919 --> 00:12:33.159 back to his place. We even were there, were out 221 00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:37.399 for drinks until two a m. Ten minutes from his place, 222 00:12:37.840 --> 00:12:40.399 and once we were done, he suggests we go back 223 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:44.559 to my place, which was forty five minutes away. Is 224 00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:49.440 this a red flag? Booh boah, whoa, whoa, it's red sirens. 225 00:12:49.480 --> 00:12:52.840 It's red flags, it's red lights going off. It's a 226 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:55.919 lot of red happening here. First of all, I hope 227 00:12:55.960 --> 00:12:58.240 you're not sleeping with him. You would have sex with 228 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:02.480 a man, and you haven't even seen like is decorating. 229 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:06.399 Oh my goodness. You need to check out his digs first, 230 00:13:06.399 --> 00:13:10.320 because if it ever goes anywhere, he's gonna be moving 231 00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:12.440 into your place, or you're into his way, you're gonna 232 00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:15.080 be If it goes somewhere, you're gonna have all his 233 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:19.320 trash with you, his bad decorating, his smelly sweat saw. 234 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:22.919 I'm imagining the worst, the trash that's growing, the mold 235 00:13:23.000 --> 00:13:26.879 around the shower. No, you need to check it out, 236 00:13:27.080 --> 00:13:30.200 you know. I remember a few years ago I met 237 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:33.720 a woman and she was quite affluent, and she met 238 00:13:33.720 --> 00:13:35.759 a guy who was as successful as she was, and 239 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:37.879 she was very excited. They had I don't know, four 240 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:40.559 or five dates out there in the wild, and then 241 00:13:40.840 --> 00:13:43.600 she said, I wanted to go see his place. And 242 00:13:43.639 --> 00:13:46.759 I saw his place and there were so many stains 243 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:49.559 on the carpet and it was just it was big, 244 00:13:49.720 --> 00:13:52.440 but it wasn't decorated well and it was just so gross. 245 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:53.879 And I said, well, you can look at it one 246 00:13:53.879 --> 00:13:57.519 of two ways. It can either be like, he needs 247 00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.159 a woman, for sure, there's space for you to take 248 00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:03.440 over and fix that up, or do you want to 249 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:06.360 rehab project right? I mean, sometimes I don't like it 250 00:14:06.399 --> 00:14:08.559 when guys are too independent and too perfect with their place, 251 00:14:08.600 --> 00:14:10.279 because you're like, what do you need me for right. 252 00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:12.639 But on the other hand, I don't want to have 253 00:14:12.679 --> 00:14:15.759 to do a remodel on everybody's life. So you need 254 00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:19.120 to see their cave, see their cave. They should want 255 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:21.080 to see your cave. And obviously your cave passed a tesk. 256 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:22.759 Is he driving forty five minutes to two in the 257 00:14:22.759 --> 00:14:27.720 morning to get to your lovely cave? It's a red flag. 258 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:34.240 It's a red flag, definitely. All right, where are we 259 00:14:34.279 --> 00:14:37.279 going when we come back? Oh my gosh. So one 260 00:14:37.320 --> 00:14:39.720 of the reasons why people worry so much about falling 261 00:14:39.799 --> 00:14:41.679 in love and dating people is they're not actually worried 262 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:44.639 about falling in love. They're worried about the pain of 263 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:48.080 the breakup. That's what they're worried about. When we come back, 264 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:53.799 let's talk about all the main reasons why relationships break up, 265 00:14:53.840 --> 00:14:57.000 because if you know that, then maybe you could prevent it. Right, 266 00:14:57.360 --> 00:15:01.720 Let's talk about reasons relationships end when we come back. 267 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:04.159 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 268 00:15:04.240 --> 00:15:08.000 KFI AM six forty one live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 269 00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:12.720 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 270 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:14.879 AM six forty Welcome back. 271 00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:17.080 To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six 272 00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:22.519 forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, love hurts, 273 00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:24.919 and the reason why love hurts and why love is 274 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:29.480 scary and why a love is difficult and challenging isn't 275 00:15:29.519 --> 00:15:32.960 so much the love part. It's the ending of the 276 00:15:33.039 --> 00:15:37.279 love part. It's the breakups that hurt. It's this fear 277 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:40.679 that if I open myself up, if I get close 278 00:15:40.720 --> 00:15:46.039 to somebody, they could leave me. If I trust somebody, 279 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:50.120 they could betray me. Right. It is that fear that 280 00:15:50.320 --> 00:15:55.320 makes love so terrifying. And what's really interesting is there 281 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:59.519 are only a handful of reasons of why relationships end, 282 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:03.559 and there are some things we could do to literally 283 00:16:03.639 --> 00:16:07.279 prevent it if you understand ahead of time. Uh oh, 284 00:16:08.039 --> 00:16:11.559 these are the land minds. These are the things, according 285 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:15.519 to statistics, where relationships are most likely to break up, 286 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:18.960 whether it's a divorce, breakup, whatever. So let's talk about 287 00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:24.000 what happens down the road after dating, after courtship, maybe 288 00:16:24.039 --> 00:16:27.120 after marriage, or after moving in together and the day 289 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:31.480 to day relationship stuff comes up. These are the things 290 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:37.919 that cause relationships to break up. Number one less sharing, 291 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:46.399 when partners stop sharing their feelings, their vulnerable needs, their concerns. 292 00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:52.960 That's when misunderstandings can happen. And when you don't speak 293 00:16:53.000 --> 00:16:57.879 your emotions, there can be like a build up. Maybe 294 00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:01.120 somebody's just giving somebody the silent treatment, which there's tons 295 00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:04.160 of research to show that is the worst conflict style ever. 296 00:17:04.319 --> 00:17:09.200 Giving somebody the silent treatment and the lack of overall 297 00:17:09.279 --> 00:17:14.640 communication can make small problems feel much bigger. There's so 298 00:17:14.720 --> 00:17:17.599 much research to support the idea that the thing that 299 00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:22.680 keeps long term committed people together are open, honest conversations. 300 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:27.880 This is what keeps people close. Emotional intimacy is the glue. 301 00:17:28.039 --> 00:17:31.799 So when people get busy, they're in day to day relationship. Okay, 302 00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:33.359 you go in there, what's the schedule. We'll see you 303 00:17:33.400 --> 00:17:35.279 Sunday for this. This is happening now. Okay, you're going 304 00:17:35.319 --> 00:17:36.640 to pick up the kids. Great, are you cooking? And 305 00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:39.519 you're stopping by the grocery store and before you know it, 306 00:17:39.640 --> 00:17:43.440 no one's talked about their needs. You know, one of 307 00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:45.279 the things my husband, Julio and I do a lot 308 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:47.720 as we go for long walks. We like to walk. 309 00:17:47.960 --> 00:17:51.480 We hold hands when we walk, and something magical happens 310 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:55.680 not all the time, but often we just talk not 311 00:17:55.839 --> 00:18:00.960 about schedules, but about our feelings, our goals, our growth. 312 00:18:01.319 --> 00:18:04.119 Somehow it's just easier to talk about things when we're 313 00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:08.799 just walking along holding hands. But we do do that. Right. 314 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:15.279 Here's another thing I mentioned, schedules that often ends relationships. Boredom. Boredom, 315 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:22.680 boring schedules. You see, healthy, happy relationships require two things. Stability, right. 316 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:25.319 That means that feeling of security that comes out of stability, 317 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:28.480 knowing the person's always going to be there. And novelty. 318 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.359 So when people get in long term relationships, they stop 319 00:18:33.400 --> 00:18:37.759 the spontaneous dates, the sweet gestures of love, the surprises. 320 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:41.000 All that gets pushed aside because you're busy with your 321 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:44.759 everyday responsibilities and all the stability side that you have 322 00:18:44.880 --> 00:18:47.960 to create novelty. You have to go different places, see 323 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:52.759 your partner in a different place. Couples need to continue 324 00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:56.319 to make things fun and fresh. And yes, that's the 325 00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:01.720 quote unquote work of a relationship. Right, Boring schedules, boredom, 326 00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:05.119 it'll kill a relationship every time. Oh here's another one. 327 00:19:05.480 --> 00:19:07.039 Maybe you have in laws and you know about this, 328 00:19:07.480 --> 00:19:14.640 or busybody friends telling you leave him, leave her, external interference. Look, 329 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:18.200 family members and friends don't always have your best interests 330 00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:22.559 at heart, So never ever let other people make decisions 331 00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:27.000 about things going on in your relationship between you and 332 00:19:27.079 --> 00:19:31.079 your partner. Right, It's really important that the two of 333 00:19:31.119 --> 00:19:35.119 you are a unified front against the world, and that 334 00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:40.440 includes family, it includes friends. So external interference can sometimes 335 00:19:40.480 --> 00:19:46.960 cause breakups. And how about just busyness? I mentioned boredom before, 336 00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:50.240 but how about busyness. Sometimes couples are so busy just 337 00:19:50.359 --> 00:19:55.559 getting through life. It's when life eclipses couple time and 338 00:19:55.640 --> 00:19:58.839 they no longer have any quality time. You know, I 339 00:19:58.920 --> 00:20:02.079 mentioned our long walk are our quality time. They really are. 340 00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:07.920 But it's important that you don't get yourself so busy 341 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:12.920 that you forget to schedule time alone. Here's one of 342 00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:15.839 my favorites, and this is supported by research. One of 343 00:20:15.839 --> 00:20:19.240 the most common things that breaks people up is couples 344 00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:22.680 that don't have enough arguments. Now, stay with me. We're 345 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:26.400 not talking about knockdown, drag them out, yelling, screaming fights. 346 00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:33.839 We're talking about daily border skirmishes, little tiny conflict resolutions 347 00:20:33.839 --> 00:20:37.359 that happen all the time. You see, what happens is 348 00:20:37.400 --> 00:20:40.200 if you don't work out all these little things. If 349 00:20:40.200 --> 00:20:44.240 they get ignored avoided, they don't go away. They get 350 00:20:44.279 --> 00:20:47.759 buried underneath and guess what they build up? Oh yeah, 351 00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:52.039 like a volcano and they irerupt later. So the healthiest 352 00:20:52.039 --> 00:20:57.240 couples actually have the most frequent conflict, but it's not 353 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:02.000 ever a big fight. It's just stating their peace and 354 00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:08.480 negotiating their boundaries constantly. Another sad one that ends many 355 00:21:08.519 --> 00:21:14.519 relationships are just divergent life goals, whether the goals have 356 00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:17.799 to do with a family, whether one wants to have 357 00:21:17.880 --> 00:21:21.960 children or not, career, whether you've talked about the couple 358 00:21:22.039 --> 00:21:26.960 moving for one person's career or another, financial goals, maybe 359 00:21:26.960 --> 00:21:30.960 even values like religious values. You see, so many couples 360 00:21:31.000 --> 00:21:35.599 get swept up in courtship, romance, wedding planning and they 361 00:21:35.640 --> 00:21:39.319 haven't really been realistic with each other about their individual 362 00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:42.240 life goals, and they will break up because their goals 363 00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:46.160 are just so different. And finally, and this is a 364 00:21:46.200 --> 00:21:51.559 big one, long term, happily married people still respect their partners, 365 00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:56.359 They still value their partners. When you start to devalue 366 00:21:56.400 --> 00:21:58.400 your partner and your brain like I could do better 367 00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:03.880 and lose, they feel ignored, They feel taken for granted, 368 00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:08.319 This is when things erode, because a happy relationship is 369 00:22:08.359 --> 00:22:10.279 in your own head. You know, you might look at 370 00:22:10.319 --> 00:22:13.000 other people who say, oh, we're really happy together, or 371 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:15.400 you might be like, I wouldn't that's not no, it 372 00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:18.559 wouldn't work for me, but it works for them. And 373 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:21.759 if they believe they're happy, if they believe their partner 374 00:22:21.799 --> 00:22:25.319 is great, then they are. Life is a self fulfilling 375 00:22:25.400 --> 00:22:30.599 prophecy and it's an inside job, all right. So remind 376 00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:35.680 yourself every day of why you value your partner. Hey, 377 00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:38.319 have you been single for a while, Maybe you went 378 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.400 through a breakup, maybe something's going on in your life. 379 00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:43.839 When we come back, let's talk about when is the 380 00:22:43.880 --> 00:22:46.720 time to get back into the dating game. When are 381 00:22:46.759 --> 00:22:50.920 you ready for love? We've got it. When we come back. 382 00:22:51.319 --> 00:22:53.759 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show and KFI 383 00:22:53.839 --> 00:22:56.759 AM six forty we Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 384 00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.799 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on a Man from 385 00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:03.200 KFI AM six forty. 386 00:23:03.839 --> 00:23:06.680 Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy 387 00:23:06.680 --> 00:23:10.039 Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on 388 00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:12.960 the iHeartRadio app. You know I used to have a 389 00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:14.960 saying when I used to run with my single pack 390 00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:18.359 of girls, I used to say, you shouldn't have a 391 00:23:18.440 --> 00:23:23.079 relationship until you're sick of being single. I mean really 392 00:23:23.160 --> 00:23:26.200 sick of being single, because we were having a lot 393 00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:29.119 of fun being single. I'm just gonna say, but there 394 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:32.079 are other times in your life when you might not 395 00:23:32.440 --> 00:23:36.680 be ready for a relationship. And I don't think it's 396 00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:41.359 fair to waste somebody's time if you're not really ready 397 00:23:41.440 --> 00:23:44.880 for a relationship. What message are you sending if you're 398 00:23:44.920 --> 00:23:47.839 out there dating for what? Okay, I know you might 399 00:23:47.880 --> 00:23:51.000 be looking for a short term relationship, got it, that's okay. 400 00:23:51.319 --> 00:23:55.799 Just be honest and use protection. You know, there are 401 00:23:55.839 --> 00:24:00.799