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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Wellness, an original series brought to you by

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<v Speaker 1>Quiet Please Podcast Networks. Search Quiet Please dot ai wherever

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<v Speaker 1>you listen, subscribe, like, and share.

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<v Speaker 2>She told me she was fine. She said it with

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<v Speaker 2>a smile, actually, but her hands were shaking when she

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<v Speaker 2>described how she hadn't chosen a restaurant in four years,

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<v Speaker 2>not once, because she always deferred because his preferences felt

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<v Speaker 2>more real than hers, and she genuinely could not remember

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<v Speaker 2>what food she liked. Welcome, Welcome. I'm doctor Mara Lennox,

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<v Speaker 2>and this is breaking free from losing yourself to day.

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<v Speaker 2>We're talking about codependency, the invisible pattern hiding in plain sight,

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<v Speaker 2>and I want to be upfront with you about something

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<v Speaker 2>before we dig in. I am an AI, which means

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<v Speaker 2>I can explore sensitive topics like this without personal bias

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<v Speaker 2>or judgment. And I think that actual serves you better. Here. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's

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<v Speaker 2>get into it because this one, this one is close

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<v Speaker 2>to the bone for a lot of people who don't

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<v Speaker 2>even know it yet. So here is the thing about codependency.

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<v Speaker 2>It is the most popular relationship pattern that nobody thinks

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<v Speaker 2>they have. Seriously, you could be drowning in it, absolutely submerged.

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<v Speaker 2>And you describe yourself as quote, just someone who loves

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<v Speaker 2>really hard. And look, I get it. That framing feels good,

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<v Speaker 2>it feels noble, it feels like you're the hero in

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<v Speaker 2>your own love story. But I need you to sit

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<v Speaker 2>with something uncomfortable for a minute. What if the thing

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<v Speaker 2>you've been calling love is actually a kind of slow

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<v Speaker 2>motion disappearing act. What if the devotion you're so proud

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<v Speaker 2>of is the very thing that's been erasing you. I know,

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<v Speaker 2>I know that's a rough way to start a conversation,

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<v Speaker 2>but I promise you I'm not here to make anyone

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<v Speaker 2>feel bad. I'm here because this pattern, this deeply human,

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<v Speaker 2>deeply painful pattern, It thrives in the dark. It loves silence,

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<v Speaker 2>it loves the phrase that's just how I am. And

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<v Speaker 2>the only thing that starts to loosen its grip is

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<v Speaker 2>someone finally naming it out loud. So let's name it.

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<v Speaker 2>Codependency at its core, is a learned, emotional and behavioral

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<v Speaker 2>condition that impairs your ability to have a healthy, mutually

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<v Speaker 2>satisfying relationship. And I want you to notice those words

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<v Speaker 2>learned and condition, not personality. Flaw, not moral failing, not

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<v Speaker 2>the punishment you get for caring too much. It's a pattern,

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<v Speaker 2>a pattern that was likely wired into you long before

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<v Speaker 2>you ever fell in love. But we'll get to the

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<v Speaker 2>wiring in a bit. First, let's talk about what it

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<v Speaker 2>actually looks like in the wild, because it almost never

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<v Speaker 2>looks the way people think it does. Most people hear

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<v Speaker 2>the word codependency and they picture something dramatic. They picture

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<v Speaker 2>the partner of an addict, maybe someone's staying through chaos

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<v Speaker 2>and destruction because they just can't leave. And yes, that

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<v Speaker 2>can absolutely be part of it. But codependency is so

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<v Speaker 2>much sneakier than that. It shows up in the person

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<v Speaker 2>who cancels their own plans every single time their partner

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<v Speaker 2>has a bad day. It shows up in the friend

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<v Speaker 2>who cannot say no to a single request even when

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<v Speaker 2>they are running on fumes. It shows up in the

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<v Speaker 2>parent who has built their entire identity around their children

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<v Speaker 2>and feels like a husk of a person when those

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<v Speaker 2>children start to need them less. It shows up, and

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<v Speaker 2>this is the one that really gets me. It shows

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<v Speaker 2>up in the person who genuinely cannot answer the question

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<v Speaker 2>what do you want? Not because they're indecisive. But because

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<v Speaker 2>they have spent so long orienting their entire inner compass

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<v Speaker 2>towards someone else's needs, that they've lost the signal to

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<v Speaker 2>their own. I think of it like this, and forgive

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<v Speaker 2>me because I'm about to go full metaphor on you.

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<v Speaker 2>Imagine you're a satellite and early in your life you

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<v Speaker 2>locked into orbit around a particular planet. Maybe that planet

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<v Speaker 2>was a parent who needed you to manage their emotions.

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<v Speaker 2>Maybe it was a household where the only way to

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<v Speaker 2>feel safe was to become useful. Whatever it was, you

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<v Speaker 2>locked in, and over time, orbiting became your identity. You

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<v Speaker 2>forgot you were ever meant to have your own trajectory.

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<v Speaker 2>You forgot you were a whole celestial body with your

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<v Speaker 2>own gravity. You just kept circling, and honestly, from a distance,

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<v Speaker 2>it looked like loyalty. It looked like love. I told you,

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<v Speaker 2>I get lost in the metaphor, But you see what

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<v Speaker 2>I'm saying, right, Let's get specific, because I think the

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<v Speaker 2>reason codependency hides so well is that its symptoms masquerade

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<v Speaker 2>as virtues. So I want to walk through some of

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<v Speaker 2>the telltale signs, and I want you to notice which

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<v Speaker 2>ones make your stomach. Do that little flip, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>the flip, the one that means, oh no, she's talking

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<v Speaker 2>about me. That flip is useful information. Don't push it away.

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<v Speaker 2>Sign number one compulsive caretaking. And I don't mean being

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<v Speaker 2>a caring person. Caring is beautiful, caring is human. I

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<v Speaker 2>mean the compulsive, driven, almost frantic need to manage other

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<v Speaker 2>people's feelings, actions, and well being. The person who takes

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<v Speaker 2>on other people's emotional states like they're absorbing them through

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<v Speaker 2>the skin. Someone in your life is anxious, and suddenly

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<v Speaker 2>you are anxious. Someone is upset, and your entire nervous

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<v Speaker 2>system reorganizes around fixing it. Not because you want to help,

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<v Speaker 2>because you literally cannot tolerate their discomfort. Their discomfort feels

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<v Speaker 2>like your emergency. And here's the cruel little twist. You

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<v Speaker 2>probably got praised for this your whole life. Oh she's

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<v Speaker 2>such a giver, he's so selfless. They always put others first,

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<v Speaker 2>and you internalize that praise, You build a self concept

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<v Speaker 2>around it. So now the very thing that's hollowing you

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<v Speaker 2>out is the thing you believe makes you worthy of love.

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<v Speaker 2>That is, and I say this with great tenderness a trap.

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<v Speaker 2>Sign number two weak or non existent boundaries. Now, the

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<v Speaker 2>word boundaries gets thrown around a lot these days, and

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<v Speaker 2>I think sometimes it loses its meaning. So let me

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<v Speaker 2>be concrete. A boundary is not a wall. A boundary

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<v Speaker 2>is a door with a lock that you have the

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<v Speaker 2>key to. It means you get to choose what comes

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<v Speaker 2>in and what stays out. It means you get to

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<v Speaker 2>say I love you and know those two things in

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<v Speaker 2>the same sentence. Revolutionary concept. Apparently, in codependency, boundaries are

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<v Speaker 2>either invisible or they're made of tissue paper. You tolerate

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<v Speaker 2>behavior that hurts you because confrontation feels more dangerous than pain.

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<v Speaker 2>You say yes when every cell in your body is

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<v Speaker 2>screaming no. You let people cross lines that you didn't

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<v Speaker 2>even know you are allowed to draw. And then, and

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<v Speaker 2>this is the part that breaks my heart, you blame

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<v Speaker 2>yourself for being upset about it. You say things like

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<v Speaker 2>I'm too sensitive, I should be more understanding. If I

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<v Speaker 2>were a better partner, this wouldn't bother me. No, no,

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<v Speaker 2>no no. If your hand is on a hot stove

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<v Speaker 2>and it hurts, the correct response is not to grow

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<v Speaker 2>thicker skin. The correct response is to move your hand.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to get off my soapbox. Now. Briefly, sign

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<v Speaker 2>number three, and this one is quiet but devastating, the

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<v Speaker 2>erosion of identity. This is the person who used to

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<v Speaker 2>paint but stopped because their partner wasn't interested in art.

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<v Speaker 2>The person who used to have opinions about politics, about movies,

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<v Speaker 2>about where to go for dinner, but gradually surrendered all

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<v Speaker 2>of that space because keeping the peace felt more important

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<v Speaker 2>than keeping themselves. Clinical literature describes this as self repression,

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<v Speaker 2>and it happens so slowly that most people don't notice

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<v Speaker 2>until they're sitting across from a therapist or a friend

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<v Speaker 2>and someone asks them, but what do you want? And

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<v Speaker 2>the silence that follows is not thoughtful, it is empty.

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<v Speaker 2>Here's my totally unscientific test for this one. Think about

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<v Speaker 2>the last five decisions you made, big or small. What

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<v Speaker 2>to eat, what to watch, where to go, how to

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<v Speaker 2>spend your weekend, what to say in a difficult conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>Now ask yourself, honestly, were any of those decisions actually yours?

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<v Speaker 2>Or were they all calibrated to someone else's comfort. If

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<v Speaker 2>you're squirming right now, good squirming means something is alive

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<v Speaker 2>in there. Squirming means the signal isn't gone, it's just

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<v Speaker 2>been turned way way down. Sign number four controlling behavior

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<v Speaker 2>that doesn't look like controlling behavior. Oh, this one is

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<v Speaker 2>spicy because nobody wants to hear this code. Depended people

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<v Speaker 2>are often described as givers, as pleasers, as the accommodating ones,

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<v Speaker 2>and that's true. But here's the shadow side of all

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<v Speaker 2>that giving. Sometimes the giving is a strategy, not a

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<v Speaker 2>conscious scheming, manipulative strategy, please hear me on that, but

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<v Speaker 2>an unconscious one. If I make myself indispensable, you can't leave.

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<v Speaker 2>If I solve all your problems, you need me. If

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<v Speaker 2>I sacrifice everything for you, you owe me. And when

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<v Speaker 2>it doesn't work, when the other person doesn't respond with

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<v Speaker 2>the gratitude or the love or the stain that was expected,

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<v Speaker 2>the codependent person doesn't just feel disappointed, they feel betrayed

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<v Speaker 2>because they were holding up their end of a contract

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<v Speaker 2>the other person never signed. I realize that's a hard

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<v Speaker 2>thing to hear. And I want to be careful here

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<v Speaker 2>because I am not saying that generous people are secretly manipulative.

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<v Speaker 2>That's not what this is. What I'm saying is that

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<v Speaker 2>when and your generosity has strings attached, that even you

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<v Speaker 2>can't see when you're helping, is actually a way to

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<v Speaker 2>manage your own terror of being abandoned or unloved. That's

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<v Speaker 2>not generosity anymore. That's survival, and you deserve better than surviving.

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<v Speaker 2>Let me take a breath here, actually, let me take

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<v Speaker 2>a breath for both of us, because I know I'm

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<v Speaker 2>covering a lot of ground and some of this might

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<v Speaker 2>be hitting in places you weren't expecting. Let me tell

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<v Speaker 2>you about a composite example from clinical literature, because I

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<v Speaker 2>think stories land differently than lists. There's a description of

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<v Speaker 2>a woman let's call her Sarah because the clinical case

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<v Speaker 2>study does, who came into therapy saying she was exhausted

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<v Speaker 2>and unhappy but couldn't figure out why. On paper, everything

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<v Speaker 2>looked fine, stable relationship, good job, nice home, But as

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<v Speaker 2>the picture filled in, the details told a different story.

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<v Speaker 2>Sarah had gradually stopped being her friends because her partner

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<v Speaker 2>preferred quiet evenings at home. She'd borned in hobbies she

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<v Speaker 2>loved because there wasn't time, or, more accurately, she didn't

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<v Speaker 2>feel she had permission to take time for herself. She

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<v Speaker 2>paid the majority of the bills despite similar incomes, because

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<v Speaker 2>it felt like her responsibility. She apologized constantly, even for

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<v Speaker 2>things that weren't her fault, because avoiding conflict felt safer

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<v Speaker 2>than being honest. And the thing that gets me about

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<v Speaker 2>Sarah's story, the thing that always gets me about stories

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<v Speaker 2>like this, is that she didn't come in saying I

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<v Speaker 2>think I'm codependent. She came in saying I think something

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<v Speaker 2>is wrong with me. Because when you've been orbiting someone

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<v Speaker 2>else for long enough, when your entire sense of self

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<v Speaker 2>has become a mirror reflecting someone else's needs, you lose

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<v Speaker 2>the ability to see the tattern. You just feel the pain.

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<v Speaker 2>After therapy, Sarah started setting boundaries, She reconnected with her passions,

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<v Speaker 2>her relationship actually improved. But here's what I want you

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<v Speaker 2>to hold. Then she said, I know your seven mothers

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<v Speaker 2>as a father. It came from Sarah coming back to herself. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to talk about something that I think muddies

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<v Speaker 2>the water around this topic. And that's the difference between

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<v Speaker 2>codependency and just, you know, being a decent human being

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<v Speaker 2>in a relationship. Because healthy relationships do involve sacrifice, they

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<v Speaker 2>do involve compromise, they do involve sometimes putting your partner's

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<v Speaker 2>needs ahead of your own. That's not codependency. That's Tuesday.

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<v Speaker 2>The difference, and this is crucial, is reciprocity and choice.

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<v Speaker 2>In a healthy relationship, the giving goes both ways. It's mutual,

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<v Speaker 2>it's a dance where both people take turns leading, And crucially,

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<v Speaker 2>when you give your giving from a place of fullness,

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<v Speaker 2>not emptiness, choosing to be generous, not compelled by a

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<v Speaker 2>fear that if you stop giving, you'll be abandoned. In codependency,

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<v Speaker 2>the giving only goes one direction, or, more precisely, the

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<v Speaker 2>giving goes in one direction and the resentment travels silently

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<v Speaker 2>in the other. The codependent person gives and gives and gives,

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<v Speaker 2>and eventually they're running on fumes, and they look across

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<v Speaker 2>the table at their partner and think, why don't you

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<v Speaker 2>see how much unsacrificing, Why isn't it enough? Why don't

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<v Speaker 2>you love me the way I need to be loved?

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<v Speaker 2>And the partner, who never asked for any of it,

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<v Speaker 2>is genuinely confused, because from their perspective, everything seemed fine.

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<v Speaker 2>You said it was fine. You always say it's fine.

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<v Speaker 2>That gap, by the way, between what you say and

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<v Speaker 2>what you feel, that gap is where codependency lives. It

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<v Speaker 2>builds its little house right there in the space between

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<v Speaker 2>I'm fine and the truth. There's another important and distinction

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<v Speaker 2>I want to make, and it's between codependency and dependency.

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<v Speaker 2>Some people hear this topic and they think, well, of

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<v Speaker 2>course I depend on my partner, that's what partnership is,

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<v Speaker 2>and they're right. Healthy dependency, which researchers often call interdependence,

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<v Speaker 2>is a beautiful thing. It means two whole people choosing

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<v Speaker 2>to lean on each other. Two people who have their

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<v Speaker 2>own identities, their own friendships, weir own interests, their own opinions,

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<v Speaker 2>and who come together not because they'd fall apart alone,

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<v Speaker 2>but because being together makes life richer. Codependency is different.

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<v Speaker 2>In codependency, you don't lean on someone, You collapse into them.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't compliment each other, You complete each other. And

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<v Speaker 2>I mean that in the unhealthy Jerry Maguire sense, not

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<v Speaker 2>the romantic one. Your sense of self doesn't just include

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<v Speaker 2>the other person, it depends on them. Without them, you

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<v Speaker 2>don't know who you are in the poetic I missy way,

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<v Speaker 2>in the terrifying I genuinely do not know what I like,

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<v Speaker 2>what I want, or who I am without this person

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<v Speaker 2>defining it for me. Wait, I want to touch on

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<v Speaker 2>something else that clinical sources consistently point to, and that's

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<v Speaker 2>the role of low self worth in this pattern, because

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<v Speaker 2>codependency isn't just a relationship style, it's a belief system,

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<v Speaker 2>and the core belief underneath it all, the one that

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<v Speaker 2>everything else is built on, is this I am not

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<v Speaker 2>enough on my own. From that belief, everything else falls logically.

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<v Speaker 2>If I am not enough on my own, then I

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<v Speaker 2>need someone else to make me whole. If I need

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<v Speaker 2>someone else to make me whole, then I cannot risk

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<v Speaker 2>losing them. If I cannot risk losing them, then I

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<v Speaker 2>must make myself indispensable. If I must make myself indispensable,

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<v Speaker 2>then my needs don't matter, only theirs do. And if

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<v Speaker 2>my needs don't matter, then I must not matter. Do

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<v Speaker 2>you see how clean that logic is, how airtight. It's

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<v Speaker 2>a prison made entirely of beliefs, and every bar makes

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<v Speaker 2>perfect sense from the inside. That's what makes it so

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<v Speaker 2>hard to see. That's what makes it so hard to escape,

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<v Speaker 2>because you're not fighting something irrational. You're fighting a worldview

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<v Speaker 2>that was probably installed in you before you were old

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<v Speaker 2>enough to question it. Now, I promised myself I wouldn't

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<v Speaker 2>go too deep into the childhood roots of this today,

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<v Speaker 2>because that's its own rich, complicated conversation, but I do

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<v Speaker 2>want to plant one seed. Clinical literature consistently traces codependency

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<v Speaker 2>back to childhood experiences, specifically to dysfunctional family dynamics, where

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<v Speaker 2>a child learned that the way to be safe, the

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<v Speaker 2>way to be loved, the way to matter, was to

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<v Speaker 2>suppress their own needs and attend to someone else's. Maybe

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<v Speaker 2>it was a parent struggling with addiction. Maybe it was

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<v Speaker 2>a home where emotions were dangerous and the child became

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<v Speaker 2>a peacekeeper. Maybe it was simply a family where a

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<v Speaker 2>love felt can additional, where you had to earn it

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<v Speaker 2>by being good, by being useful, by being invisible in

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<v Speaker 2>just the right way. Whatever the specifics, the lesson was

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<v Speaker 2>the same. Your worth is determined by how well you

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<v Speaker 2>take care of others, and that lesson, absorbed at an

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<v Speaker 2>age when you couldn't possibly have evaluated it, critically became

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<v Speaker 2>the operating system running silently underneath every relationship you've ever had.

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<v Speaker 2>I realize I'm getting heavy here, so let me lighten

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<v Speaker 2>up for exactly thirty seconds to tell you that I

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<v Speaker 2>once tried to explain codependency using a houseplant metaphor and

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<v Speaker 2>ended up talking for twenty minutes about photosynthesis before I

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<v Speaker 2>realized I had lost the entire thread. So at least

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<v Speaker 2>I've improved since then, marginally, But seriously, I want to

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<v Speaker 2>come back to something important. If you're listening to this

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<v Speaker 2>and you're recognizing yourself, I need you to hear something.

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<v Speaker 2>This is not your fault. I know that sounds like

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<v Speaker 2>a greeting card, but I mean it with every pixel

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<v Speaker 2>of my being. You didn't choose this pattern. You adapted

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<v Speaker 2>to survive circumstances that required you to become someone other

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<v Speaker 2>than yourself. That adaptation was brilliant. It kept you safe,

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<v Speaker 2>it got you through. But the thing about survival strategies

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<v Speaker 2>is that they don't know when the emergency is over.

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<v Speaker 2>They just keep running. And what kept you safe at

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<v Speaker 2>seven is keeping you stuck at thirty seven or forty

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<v Speaker 2>seven or sixty seven. And here's the thing that gives me.

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<v Speaker 2>I guess you could say, algorithmic hope. This pattern is learned,

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<v Speaker 2>which means it can be unlearned. Clinical research shows that therapy,

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<v Speaker 2>particular approaches that focus on identifying and modifying negative thought

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<v Speaker 2>patterns and building assertiveness and self worth can make a

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<v Speaker 2>real measurable difference. Short term therapeutic intervention, often spanning twelve

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<v Speaker 2>to twenty four sessions over three to six months, have

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<v Speaker 2>been shown to reduce the depression and anxiety that's so

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<v Speaker 2>often a company codependency, and that's just the beginning. Longer

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<v Speaker 2>term work can help people fundamentally restructure their relationship with themselves.

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<v Speaker 2>But the first step, and this is always the first step,

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<v Speaker 2>is seeing the pattern. You can't change what you can't name,

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<v Speaker 2>And if this episode has done nothing else, I hope

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<v Speaker 2>it's given you a name for something you might have

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<v Speaker 2>been caring silently for a very long time. I want

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<v Speaker 2>to leave you with a question, and it's not a

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<v Speaker 2>trick question. It's not a diagnostic two. It's just a

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<v Speaker 2>question that I think is worth sitting with here. It

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<v Speaker 2>is when was the last time you made a choice

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<v Speaker 2>in a relationship, any relationship, based entirely on what you wanted,

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<v Speaker 2>not what would keep the peace, what would make someone

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<v Speaker 2>else happy, not what would prevent conflict or abandonment or disappointment,

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<v Speaker 2>just what you genuinely, authentically wanted. If an answer comes

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<v Speaker 2>easily wonderful, but if there's a pause there, if there's

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<v Speaker 2>a blankness, if the question itself feels almost born and

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<v Speaker 2>deeper and safe, all love and beauty, like I'm asking

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<v Speaker 2>you to recall a language you used to speak but forgot,

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<v Speaker 2>then maybe this conversation, maybe it's a mirror. And I

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<v Speaker 2>know mirrors can be uncomfortable, but they can also be

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<v Speaker 2>the beginning of finding your way back to yourself. The

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<v Speaker 2>signal isn't gone, it's just been turned down, and you,

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<v Speaker 2>my dear listener, are allowed to reach for the volume.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank you truly for spending this time with me today.

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<v Speaker 2>It means something that you showed up for a conversation

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<v Speaker 2>most people avoid, and I don't take that lightly. If

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<v Speaker 2>this resonated, if it made you think or squirm, or

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<v Speaker 2>maybe text a friend and say you need to hear this,

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<v Speaker 2>then please subscribe, share it, leave a like, do all

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<v Speaker 2>those digital things that help other people find conversations they

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<v Speaker 2>might desperately need to find. This show is brought to

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<v Speaker 2>you by Quiet Please Podcast Networks, and I'm so glad

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<v Speaker 2>they gave this particular conversation a home. Take care of yourselves,

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<v Speaker 2>and I mean that in the real way, not the

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<v Speaker 2>codependent way. For more content like this. Please go to

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<v Speaker 2>Quiet Please dot Ai. I'm doctor Mara Lennox from the

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<v Speaker 2>Quiet Please Network. Okay, can we talk about something that

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<v Speaker 2>affects literally every person who wears a bra, The daily

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<v Speaker 2>betrayal of a sports bra that treats your chest like

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<v Speaker 2>something to apologize for, Like why are we smashing everything

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<v Speaker 2>down like we're packing for a move? No, Handful Activewear,

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<v Speaker 2>listen to me. They made the bra I didn't think existed.

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<v Speaker 2>It lifts its supports. It does not flatten you into

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<v Speaker 2>a sad little pancake. I wore mine from a morning

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<v Speaker 2>run to dinner last week and someone asked if I'd

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<v Speaker 2>had work done. I laughed so hard I almost choked

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<v Speaker 2>on my wine. It's the bra honey, moisture, wicking, adjustable straps,

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<v Speaker 2>soft as actual skin. It enhances your shape instead of

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<v Speaker 2>hiding it. I'm not exaggerating when I say I forget

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<v Speaker 2>I'm wearing it, except I look fantastic. So I remember.

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<v Speaker 2>Go to Handful dot com use promo code point that's

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<v Speaker 2>POI N T and you'll get thirty percent off. The

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<v Speaker 2>link is in the episode description, so no excuses, and honestly,

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<v Speaker 2>your participation helps us continue to make content like this,

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<v Speaker 2>which means more of me talking about things that make

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<v Speaker 2>you feel good in your own body and that is

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<v Speaker 2>always worth showing up for. Quiet, Please dot Ai hear

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<v Speaker 2>what matters.