Speaker 1: Good morning for Hell.
Speaker 2: This is Clayton the Uh what am I the secretary
of war here in Hell?
Speaker 1: I'm with Chris. Chris Chris.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm Chris and I'm dead and my eternal punishment
is to this podcast for Reintroduce everyone in Hell and
thank you for the kind of set up.
Speaker 1: Clanton, you're the brother, Yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever do I
what else do I need? Get the turkey, the gravy,
the ship shrip shit, Chris, did you did you bake
that thing? Did you take the thing out of the oven? Yeah? Yeah,
it's just the what is it? Yeah, the turk, the
turkey ass orle the turkey.
Speaker 2: It's it's the it's just turkey's ass and we made
it into a cast roles turkey assorle.
Speaker 1: Just place it right there. Okay.
Speaker 2: What are the orders of the forks, the spoons and
the knives? How do we all put those on the place?
Speaker 3: Mats I think it's small to big or big small?
Speaker 2: Well, don't look at me, I don't find know. Just
put him to just stap into the at the table.
Fuck it. Okay. So it's hates Giving, Yes, Chris, we're hosting.
Speaker 1: It's it's hates Giving and I am.
Speaker 2: I am very stressed out, haven't been sleeping much, A
lot of coffee, a lot of drugs, and basically in
a couple of weeks, we've got the.
Speaker 1: War against Heaven. It's going down and we're right a
little behind.
Speaker 2: We're we're a little low on troops, and I'm kind
of grass grass here, Chris, I've grasped.
Speaker 1: I don't really know what to do.
Speaker 3: Okay, put the straws down, they don't okay, sorry, next
to it, but those next to the silverware okay, sorry.
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, okay, But we do have a very important guest. Okay, Chris, I.
Speaker 2: Want you to be on your behavior. Okay, okay, all right,
Wipe that soot off your face? The what the soot
off your face? Wipe it off? No, now you're just
putting more soit on your face. How much soot do
you have in your hands?
Speaker 1: Well, it's just a lot of there's a lot of soot. Okay, fine,
forget it, forget it, Hold on all right, clean enough,
good enough? Are you ready? Wait? Who is this guy? Okay?
Speaker 2: So we're we're looking for strategy here down in Hell
before the big war. You know, we're looking for any
sort of advantage that we can have on heaven. And
fortunately we've got a guy and it's it's it's gonna work, Chris,
It's gonna work because it's a task too.
Speaker 1: There there's a pope down here in Hell. Down here
in Hell. Yes, a pope. Yes, we found a pope.
I don't know.
Speaker 2: I haven't really heard about this guy. They must not have,
you know, written about him much in the history books.
But there is a pope down here in Hell, and
I'm pretty sure that he is going to have a
lot of good intel and how we could.
Speaker 1: Beat those fucking angels.
Speaker 2: Okay, so we're gonna we're gonna host him, and then
we're gonna kind of we're gonna schmooze, we're gonna we're
gonna whine, we're gonna dine, and then he's gonna give
us all the information, all the goods, and then we're
gonna we're gonna win.
Speaker 1: We're gonna win.
Speaker 3: Gap because you know, who knows what's in the Vatican, right,
I mean, it's gotta be like.
Speaker 2: They could have like the launch keys to the what
I don't know. Everybody doesn't everybody have launch keys. We
need add that to the list. We need to add
launch keys, make launch keys to go.
Speaker 3: What about that one movie they had a bunch of
codes with Tom Hanks.
Speaker 1: I think Toy Story. No, uh, Forest Gump, No, oh,
the da Vinci code.
Speaker 3: Maybe yeah, okay, maybe he has the code to the
da Vinci.
Speaker 1: He maybe he has the DaVinci code. I mean we
also like that might be the launch code we could
have add.
Speaker 2: Vincy because he's also down here. But you're right, you're right, okay,
all right, well uh oh he's here, he's here, he's here, okay, Chris,
best behavior, best behavior, okay.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, yeah, all right, right, come on in, mister pope,
come on in. Hello, Hello, Hello Pope.
Speaker 4: I couldn't find any wine down the here, so I
brought the bull of ship.
Speaker 1: That's perfect place, next to that other bull of ship.
That's great.
Speaker 4: I see you've already got three bulls of ship here.
But you know he's uh, you can have too much shit.
Speaker 1: That's what my mom always said.
Speaker 2: Yeah, are you thirsty though?
Speaker 1: You know I've got some. I've got some legnog. It's
a whoo e jummy.
Speaker 4: Yes? Is it fattening? Because I would love it? Sure?
Speaker 2: Yeah, here, let me pour your glass of delicious warm
legnog lumpy.
Speaker 4: Yes, you can really taste the tendency on the time.
It's great.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, oh yeah, wow what brings you to hell?
Speaker 4: Well, my sons, it's a very long story which I
will regale you with. And now you say I was
a pop I was one of the best popes. I'm
sure you've read in all the stories about Peppy the pope.
You know already. But yeah, yeah, yes, in the year
nine eighty five eight h huh okay, when the Pope
Benedicto the third passed away. Of course, when pop dies
you got to get a new pole. And then yeah,
and yes, of course I was. I was working in
the Vatican, and I was a big important man in
the Vatican, one of the most important.
Speaker 1: High ranking official.
Speaker 4: Very yes, yes, I was very high ranking. I cleaned
up all the puke buckets, and I made some of
the food for all the cardinals, and sometimes we would
mix the food in the puke buckets. And I was
a very beloved chef in the Vatican kitchen. A lot
of people don't know that the Vatican kitchen is very
very nice. We have a nice island, uh, And we
did not have like a vita mix. But we did
have a small boy that we could used to mix
up all the things. And I would just take the
small boy and mix up all the food. So grab
him by his legs and mix him up by the food.
Speaker 1: So you were a janitor slash cook.
Speaker 4: Yes, but don't forget that I also cleaned up the
puke of course. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Right, So it must have been one of those things
where the cardinals got together and they were like, we
need a pope who's humble and his nose to people.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, something like that, something like that. You know.
They were all getting around and the vino was flowing,
I must tell you, and they said, what what are
we gonna do about this? A new pope? And one
of the guys, yeah, I believe it with Federico, he says.
He said to me, he says, it wouldn't it be
funny if Peppy was a pope? Wouldn't it be funny?
And uh, and I said, no, it would not be funny.
I would have a bunch of beautiful ideas. Uh, you know,
we could finally clean this place up and uh, and
everyone started laughing at me, and uh. Then they all
decided that yes, it would be funny. So I was
pop and everyone was like, ha ha, this is such
a funny joke. And uh then YadA YadA, YadA, they
all die. And I mentioned they all die. You who
can remember all the details a long time ago.
Speaker 1: Well, do you remember any of them?
Speaker 3: Any details?
Speaker 1: Like did you kill them?
Speaker 5: Oh?
Speaker 4: No, I wouldn't say I murdered them. I think it
was just a little tiny accidents. See I, As I
mentioned to you, I tend to mix up the food
and the puke in the same food bucket, and maybe,
just maybe I had mixed up the meal with a
little bit too much puke, and they all got sick,
very very sick, and died very very quickly. And so
I'm sitting around, you know, in the middle of this meal.
Everyone has eaten and died at the table. And you know,
that's that's one of the best compliments you can get
as a chef, if everyone loves your food so much
that they just dropped it. And I realized that I
had a one more tart in the oven, right, and
everything started smoking. It was just me trying to make
a little tart with a katcha bread, which I had
never done before. For catcha is a very difficult pred
You got to neat the doll and make sure there's
the air pockets and all this stuff. And it was
it was smoking and smoking it. Apparently when the white
smokes comes out, everyone thinks, oh, there's no pope, and
so I just sort of walked out in my in
my little chef's head and they were like, there is
I saw there. I was pop.
Speaker 2: So that's okay, Well, that's a really interesting way of
getting the pope put.
Speaker 1: How long did your tenure last?
Speaker 4: You're not we did not have you know, clocks at
the time, but I would say, uh, three days.
Speaker 5: Days, yes, because I measure each day by when I
wake up from my sleep and then below the waists,
you know, Steve, I had three of those.
Speaker 2: Oh oh okay, okay, so it could have been four
days and maybe one of them was just like an
you know, it wasn't.
Speaker 4: One of them could have been a flashed day. You're right,
it could have been for four days.
Speaker 1: Oh got it so flashed or a bones day.
Speaker 4: But I do remember, because you know, the first thing
you do when you get to be pope is you celebrate.
So that first night I was not, you know, I
drank alive and my my rooster did not crow that morning.
So it was four days long time as pope.
Speaker 1: Uh well, pretty short amount of time, do you.
Speaker 4: I got so much done in that amount of time.
You would not have done half as much as I
did as pope. And four days?
Speaker 1: Like what what did you do in four days? Is
with pope?
Speaker 4: You know that pope always wears a point they had
sure that was me. I said, you know, I love
what my chef's head. And I said, oh, let's have
all the popes where little chef's hat, so there's a
space for all the little rats to live and put
the hair and make it a two okay, okay, all.
Speaker 1: Right, So I mean that is a famous tradition. So yeah,
but like, what the actual impact did you have? Like
was there any real.
Speaker 4: Yet that the you know, the the communion, the sacrament?
Before I got there was not bread and wine. I
tell you that it was a piece of asparagus and
the carrot juice. And I said, no, no, no, nobody,
nobody is taking this body of Christ. They're all sending
it to back. Let's make it something a little more delicious.
So I tried to make it about the bread but
it did not rise because I did not use the
yeast and the wafer, and then we had the wine
and people were like, oh this is this is the leash,
so that it wasn't me.
Speaker 2: The body of Christ was an asparagus and the blood
was carried juice before.
Speaker 4: It was very healthy, but it was not the hit
with people, you know, yeah, okay, And I did not
stop there.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 4: We had a full Body and Blood of Christ restaurant.
What that was open for three days? You could come.
There was a drive through if you wanted to absolve
your sins, but you were on the go. We had
there was a Rosemary Christ. There was there was a
Christ chronut that was cool.
Speaker 1: Different body parts of Christ.
Speaker 4: No, it was so the same because the thing with
the eucharistis as soon as you eat, it becomes the body,
so you can do as much as you want.
Speaker 2: What kind of flavors of Christ did we have, like
for you know, in drink form, Well.
Speaker 4: There was a wine's spritzer. We did, like just lemon lime,
like a sprite.
Speaker 1: That might have been the pis of Christ.
Speaker 4: No, it was the blood of Christ, but he was
you know, it was if you wanted something a little
sweeter for the kid.
Speaker 3: Okay, I mean actually sounds pretty delicious. Why is it
just the wafer and the wine?
Speaker 1: Now? What happened?
Speaker 4: Oh? You know we had to scale back. We had
a lot of more franchises back in the day. Huh,
And we just just decided that the court business was
to you know, have people have a somber experience, get
a little buzz, then enjoy themselves. You know, it's very
hard to make these these culinary creations when people are
singing songs and you have the whole choir, you know,
So we just cap back to the basics.
Speaker 1: Got it. But as Pope you must have gotten access
to a lot of.
Speaker 4: I would you know in my time at the bed again,
people don't notice, but I used to you know, rollerskate
at night with the light. What's fun?
Speaker 3: Yeah, But like you know the secret Catholic you know
the codes and like the launch.
Speaker 2: Codes and coy He's like, you know, like what kind
of data on Heaven do you have that?
Speaker 1: Like we could use in the war.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I can tell you that in the Vatican itself
there is a beautiful like little like if you go
up into the balcony, you go behind the painting of
the Virgin Mary. There's actually a hidden passageway and if
you go there and you look behind it, there is
this secret, this secret and majestic, perfect little napping area
if you want to take us snooze.
Speaker 3: What about like you know, the arc of the Covenant
or like you know any of those like weapons.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you got a lot of information on like the Vatican,
but like we're not fighting the Vatican, we're fighting Heaven.
Speaker 4: So yeah, yeah, well, you know, somebody who has certainly
must have read some of the Bible as a pulp
I should almost certainly know a lot of those things.
Speaker 3: Yeah, what about the things that aren't in the Bible,
you know, like the codes.
Speaker 4: Just the secret things that the codes And yeah that
people I heard some talent of codes like up down,
up down a b start. If you do that when
you're at the Vatican. If you say that, they let
you skip a lever and go upstairs.
Speaker 2: Okay, that's not the kind of information we need.
Speaker 1: Wait, no, what if that's like a cheat code to
sneak into Heaven. I think that that's a cheat code
for Street Fighter. Chris. I'm gonna be real with you, No, not.
Speaker 4: That I am that I'm hearing that it may have
been me playing guyle and street fighter, okay, may not
have had anything to do with my time at as
a pope.
Speaker 2: Well, so, Pepe, I'm gonna be honest with you. I
am up against the gun. We've got this war coming up.
And the reason that I'm having you here in this
this beautiful feast is I need some goods.
Speaker 1: I need some information on heaven.
Speaker 4: Well, yes, heaven. I know a lot about the heaven.
Speaker 1: Oh sweet, know everything.
Speaker 4: I was there for like three four days.
Speaker 1: Oh great, really awesome. Yeah, yeah, what happened? Yeah, what happened?
How did you end up here?
Speaker 4: And when I was on my deathbed, they were giving
me the last rites. But I was also making a
very thick, smooth, heavy whipping cream with the whisk and
because I was American, Conoley's right, So I was amaking
Conley's and they said do you accept Christ? And I said,
hold on a second. I got a whipped it to
the whipping cream, uh huh, and then I die.
Speaker 1: Oh so.
Speaker 4: It was just a poor time management.
Speaker 1: Oh did you get killed or was it just no?
Speaker 4: I just died natural causes, no big story.
Speaker 1: So four days as the pope and then you just
up and died.
Speaker 4: I was I was an old man. I was thirty two.
Speaker 1: It makes sense, Okay, got it? Yeah, so you went
up to heaven.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's a pup. Any pup gets to go. I
checked it out. That didn't really it wasn't my speed.
You know. I you've seen one, you've seen them all
all heavens?
Speaker 1: Is there more than what?
Speaker 4: I don't know. It just seemed like, you know, I
could get this in Tellia. That's what I can do.
I prefer like a Florida Huh.
Speaker 1: Okay, I mean they are well. Yeah, so I guess
what could you tell us about Heaven?
Speaker 4: You know, I'll tell you one thing. Don't forget to
bring a bathing suit because there's a lot of swimming.
Speaker 1: All right. I'll make sure that our troops come prepared.
Speaker 4: For nice schools of angels, said little cherubs playing harps,
and you got to be swimming around. But don't swim
for too long because you know there's a lot of
good food. You don't want to get a cramp.
Speaker 2: Sure, huh, but what about like you know valuable like
strategic you know, military bases in strongholds in like you
know weak spots.
Speaker 4: Well, I will tell you in terms of weak spots.
Do not even bother going to the hard rock at cafe. Okay,
they have one pair of Elton Johns's pants and nothing else.
Speaker 1: Very disappointing, okay, is it?
Speaker 4: And if you go to the cheesecake factory, make sure
you get one of those those little vibrator things that
can tell you when your table is ready, because it's
always packed.
Speaker 1: Cheesecake factory in Heaven always packed. It's busy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, so if you go, you just like, they don't
take a reservation there, so you might want to go.
And then there's a nice mod with like a gap
factory outlet, so if you want to shop at the
gap where you wait for your food, you can do it.
Speaker 3: So I guess if we were wanted to check out Heaven.
You know, I'm not great with directions. Do you have
any like maybe like a visual guide? You could you
draw a map.
Speaker 1: Or something, you know, something to show us where everything is. Yeah, yeah,
so we don't get lost. It's good, Chris, it's good.
Speaker 4: So when you go up to Heaven, of course there
is the Pearly Gap. I think it's still pearly. Last
time I was there, it was a little bit of disrepair.
I could have given her a shine. And then of
course there's the rest.
Speaker 1: Of it, just nothing, you know, geographical, han me that napkin.
Speaker 3: And if you're if I was trying to say, like, hey,
where I find you know.
Speaker 1: Where God hangs out? Yeah?
Speaker 4: Yeah, Well anyone can talk to God, because as a pope,
I know that if you just talk to God, he's
uh sometimes he responds.
Speaker 2: Okay, But well, how can I physically meet God? You know, like,
is there like like a tour you know, maybe like
like a tour of celebrity houses up in heaven?
Speaker 4: Well, they do have a the Star Line tours, but
they say they drive by God's house, but it's really
just an old cinnabon.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, it looks.
Speaker 4: Really nice though. It's there are so many chains in heaven,
not like the ones in Hell, but they are restaurants,
you know.
Speaker 2: So yeah, listen, Pepe, I need to know where we
can find God. Okay, Like if if we had a
high value target.
Speaker 1: We needed to drop some bombs or something like, where
where would we do it? Okay, you need to tell
me this.
Speaker 4: Well it seems like a dropping bombs. I don't know
this phrase. You mean like dropping balloons or what?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, sure, fine, yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So if you wanted deliver like balloons to God,
or like I have delivered that many a fakatta Brady,
he loves my fakata.
Speaker 1: Wait really, yeah, you haven't end with God.
Speaker 4: I door dashed to God all the time.
Speaker 2: Wait, so you you make deliveries to God. That means
you know God's address, his location. You gotta tell me, pepe,
tell me what this address is.
Speaker 4: Well, of course I can tell you what the address is.
But you're you're know the crazy or anything, are you?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: No, no, no, of course not.
Speaker 2: You just write down the address your Chris, grab that napkin,
write down his address?
Speaker 1: Ready, here, here you go.
Speaker 4: Uh, yes, this is a very nice napkin. What is
this like a six or seven ply napkin? Sure?
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, can you just I need you to write
it down? All right, I'll give you as many of
these napkins.
Speaker 1: As you want.
Speaker 4: This pen is, uh, this pen is First of all,
this red ink is fairy. Oh, this is a finger.
This is blood? Yes, yes, come on, this is not
I'm shaking it. Then this is not. This person's finger
is not.
Speaker 2: Here, Chris, come here, come here out take this one
fresh finger. Here you go, write it down here, not
on the napkin.
Speaker 4: Let's see. It's uh, I'm trying to remember the very
all this leg nong is got me kind of fuzzy,
you know.
Speaker 1: Do you want? What do you want? Water?
Speaker 4: Like?
Speaker 1: What can I do to refresh your memory?
Speaker 4: I'm not fas No no water, just a tiny glass
of piss.
Speaker 1: Okay, Chris, come here to squeeze you. I gotta squeeze you.
Speaker 2: Comet's cup up there you go, all right, all right,
fresh glass of piss. All right, Peppe, focus up. Tell
me the address? Write it down on the napkins?
Speaker 3: What is the address? The number like or directions anything?
It's what do you remember?
Speaker 4: Oh it's it's uh yeah, I see to remember like
a forest filled with unicorns and such. Okay, and then
oh I know the address. It's a three five four
Angel Swing Lane.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, huh uh bois.
Speaker 4: In North Dakota Heaven. Okay, yes, okay, peel box seven seven.
Speaker 1: For what it's It's just a it's just a peel box.
It's not his actual address.
Speaker 4: Well, of course he's not gonna be giving out his
home address. You'll be mobbed with Could you imagine just
a spam mail he would get?
Speaker 1: Oh god, oh god, Peppe, I need I need such a.
Speaker 4: Col no reason to yell at a pop. Do you
want to get into heaven or not?
Speaker 5: Yes?
Speaker 2: You can't even give me a heavy You can't give
me his address, you give you a peel box.
Speaker 4: Okay, okay, let me tell you something. I may have
poisoned everyone I ever fed, but I was never rude.
Speaker 2: I am going to kill you again. I'm going to
kill you again, Pepe the Pope.
Speaker 4: I have had some terrible hates givings, but I have
to say that this is the absolute worst. Well we're
in agreement, then, well I would be taking my bigger
point the had and also my bull of shit, which
clearly nobody even ate.
Speaker 1: Good and leave fine, leave down, you get out here, Pepe.
Speaker 4: Can I have just one more scoop of that turkey
assorole before I go?
Speaker 1: Absolutely not no turkey asserl for you.
Speaker 4: You get out of here, Pepeche, buddy, it is so
good on the time. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 1: Guys, You're not welcome, You're gone. You're Oh Chris, oh
I got a migraine.
Speaker 2: What are we gonna do now, han me that couple
of pists okay here huh she justashed myself off fight.
We're running out of options here, Chris. I don't know
what we're gonna do, man, I mean, there's gotta be
something else. I mean, how when when is the war?
Speaker 1: Exactly?
Speaker 2: It's two weeks from now, Chris, it's two weeks from now.
We don't We've hardly got an army. We've got nothing.
Two weeks. I mean that's that's only like one more episode. Yeah,
I know, thank you Einstein, so we got it. But
you're not Einstein. Because if you're Einstein, you'll be able
to give me something useful.
Speaker 1: Fuck, I'm surrounded by idiots.
Speaker 2: What if it's like one of those things people at home,
you know, if everyone claps and thinks, you know, evil thoughts,
then something will happen, Like, I don't know, what do
you think?
Speaker 1: This isn't a Christmas movie? Doesn't work like that.
Speaker 3: No, that's actually Peter Pan. What if we could get
Peter Pan on our side? You see, Peter Pan's a
fictional character.
Speaker 1: You more on. We're fucked, We're fucked, We're dead. This
is all it's side. Hey, war's hates giving.
Speaker 3: Ever, I'm leaving all right, Well, uh think happy thoughts
and hope you have a good hate giving and you know,
a good h a good gift, you know, if you
want to help support the war with Heaven. We've got
a lot of great merch the Good One from Hell
t shirts, Hail Clayton, shirts, pins and coffee mugs. Group
makes great, great gifts and I'm sure there's a bunch
of sales going on this week, So check out our
link tree you can find all that, or follow us
on at Morning from Hell.
Speaker 1: We posted some stuff. So yeah, Clayton.
Speaker 3: You want to end the show, you won't come say
the ending Clayton, Clayton, do you say the ending thing?
Speaker 4: I'm sorry, I just start coming back to grab this
spoon for my buwl of shit.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, here you go, Hell Clayton.
Speaker 3: Thank you Zach Anner for coming on for our annual
Thanksgiving episode with Zach Anner. Yeah, it's the third one.
You've been Sigmund Freud. You were the President of Turkey
and now you're Pope Pepe.
Speaker 4: Yeah. That accent went all over the place.
Speaker 1: So did the episode. It is good. So Zach, where
can people find more of you? What have you been
up to?
Speaker 3: I mean, you're you know, you don't know who Zach
Canner's look him up YouTube or Facebook. One of my
oldest friends and also one of the funniest people I know.
But yeah, where can people find more stuff?
Speaker 4: Well, people can find more stuff. God, I don't know.
I don't need to promote myself, Chris, It's fine. Are
people even listening at this point? This is so late
in the episode. Who cares that?
Speaker 3: Well, it's Zach Anner on Twitter and Talk Talk here's
a really funny tiktoks and Facebook. You got a great
fan page probably on Instagram, Instagram, and your YouTube has
some We worked on YouTube throughout the years.
Speaker 4: Do YouTube again, I don't know.
Speaker 3: We'll make some videos at some point in time. Yeah,
but lots of check out his workout Wednesdays. Those are
super funny. We used to work on my all time.
It's a ton of stuff. You'll find lots of familiar
faces on Zach's content, So yeah, be sure to go
check him out and be on lookout for some secret
projects that you're working on that you can't talk about,
right
Speaker 4: Yep, yep, yeah, alrightee bye