WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.120 I'm standing at the edge of our living room, a 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:08.679 glass of cabinet half forgotten in my hand, my back 3 00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:11.599 against the chip white counter. From here I can see 4 00:00:11.599 --> 00:00:13.839 the whole scene, the expanse of scuffed hardwood, the cluttered 5 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:16.640 coffee table, teetering with half played cards and empty bottles. 6 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:19.079 Mark's friends filly near it, with the easy laughter of 7 00:00:19.079 --> 00:00:20.879 people who have known each other too long to make 8 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:24.359 small talk. The old Arctic monkeys record Mark rescue from 9 00:00:24.399 --> 00:00:26.800 a dusty bin last month, drowns low under their voices 10 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:30.160 and their joke's ricochet off the brick walls. It's supposed 11 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:32.439 to be a distraction after the week's grind, one of 12 00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:36.240 those unremarkable Friday nights that blend together. That's how it feels, 13 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:39.600 at least right up until it isn't. Mark looks good 14 00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:42.200 to night, fresh hair, trim old bantee, a burst of 15 00:00:42.200 --> 00:00:45.600 his usual charisma. He's in this center, grinning and dealing 16 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:48.759 cards as crinkled at the edges. Something in me is 17 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:52.240 grateful for that, a flickering sense of normalcy. I force 18 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:54.679 a little laugh, teasing his friend Simon about a hapless 19 00:00:54.679 --> 00:00:57.079 play as I carry in a bowl of popcorn. Then 20 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.960 Anna Mark's oldest friend asks, Hey, Mark, what's her big 21 00:01:00.960 --> 00:01:03.799 plan for the weakened? Her tone is basically innocent, the 22 00:01:03.920 --> 00:01:06.519 kind of fill a question you low between runs. But 23 00:01:06.640 --> 00:01:10.200 Mark stutters, just barely. There's a quick flick of his 24 00:01:10.239 --> 00:01:13.719 eyes to Simon, then to his hand. He Grinson says, oh, 25 00:01:13.920 --> 00:01:16.079 you know, run club misery, Maybe sleep the rest of 26 00:01:16.079 --> 00:01:19.920 my life. It's fast stary to practice jerk. He laughs, 27 00:01:20.079 --> 00:01:22.959 and Simon chimes him with something about Mark's notorious hangovers. 28 00:01:23.599 --> 00:01:26.359 But I catched the glitch, not what he said, how 29 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:28.719 he said it a flush clembing up his jaw, the 30 00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:30.879 way his voice slides over the woods like their pebbles 31 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:33.920 instead of stones. Anna picks at her nail, either not 32 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:38.319 noticing or not caring. The moment passes. Someone ribs me 33 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:41.319 about my obsession with the rearranging furniture. Mark tosses a 34 00:01:41.319 --> 00:01:43.719 hand of rummy on the table. I do my best 35 00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:45.799 to keep moving, making a show of busying myself in 36 00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:48.799 the kitchen. The hum of their conversation turns muffle. As 37 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.480 I close the fridge, grabbing another bottle no one asked for. 38 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:54.239 I find my fingers tremble slightly as I twist the 39 00:01:54.280 --> 00:01:57.319 cap loose. It's not just the question, it's the shadow 40 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:00.400 that glances across Mark's expression, the one I've no I've seen, 41 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:03.439 aims so carefully his own friends. Mark is usually the 42 00:02:03.480 --> 00:02:05.719 life preserver in awkward waters, a kind of man who 43 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:08.400 fills silence as before they settle. If he doesn't want 44 00:02:08.439 --> 00:02:10.800 to answer a question, he teases or exaggerates. It never 45 00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:13.199 reads is awkward, Never like this pause half a bee 46 00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:16.000 too long. My mind tries to dismiss it, wants to 47 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:18.879 believe it's a fluke, a bad week. Yet the rest 48 00:02:18.960 --> 00:02:21.719 of the night, every stray remarks suddenly sounds double edged. 49 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.400 After cake, Mark's friends drift home in pairs, toasted on 50 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.719 cheap wine and left over enthusiasm. He kisses me fleeding 51 00:02:28.759 --> 00:02:31.120 and goes to clean the glasses, the same ritual he's 52 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:34.240 repeated a hundred times, all routine, all so thin. I 53 00:02:34.360 --> 00:02:36.960 stand there, staring at the sink, wondering if I'm building 54 00:02:37.000 --> 00:02:39.759 a mountain from a syllable. I catch him glancing at 55 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:42.000 me from over his shoulder, then away, as he drops 56 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:44.159 a plate into the soapy water, careful to avoid clatter. 57 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:46.919 For a second, I want to call him out, what 58 00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:50.800 was that really? But I don't. Maybe I just can't risp, 59 00:02:50.800 --> 00:02:53.199 bringing the night to screeching halt over nothing not. When 60 00:02:53.240 --> 00:02:56.159 we finally had a normal night, I slide my arms 61 00:02:56.159 --> 00:02:58.680 around Mark from behind, rest my chin on his back. 62 00:02:59.319 --> 00:03:01.360 He leans into me, but I feel as light flinch 63 00:03:01.360 --> 00:03:04.000 as muscles before he lost it off. He tells me 64 00:03:04.039 --> 00:03:05.960 he's grateful our place isn't as much of a mess 65 00:03:06.000 --> 00:03:08.439 after parties as this old apartment is. Usual, lying, but 66 00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:13.120 he says it's softer now, that break, that extra defensive smile. Later, 67 00:03:13.360 --> 00:03:15.599 as we fold the lust through a blanket, Mark's already 68 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:17.639 talking about his long run to morrow, how he's starting 69 00:03:17.639 --> 00:03:19.560 to train seriously for oron club, how he might be 70 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:22.439 out early, maybe even before I'm awake. There's an energy 71 00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:25.080 in his voice, not quite nervous, not quite guilty, just 72 00:03:25.120 --> 00:03:27.800 a little too lively. When I finally crawl under our 73 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:31.280 duviy at night, Mark's already mostly asleep, or pretending. I 74 00:03:31.360 --> 00:03:33.719 listen to his breeding lengthen my own mind loo bring 75 00:03:33.800 --> 00:03:36.599 back to Anna's question, the way Mark's answer slid sideways 76 00:03:36.599 --> 00:03:40.159 and never quite landed. It shouldn't mean anything, but I 77 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:42.800 can't help it. The mood has changed, and I can't 78 00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:46.039 say why that first night I lie awake and that 79 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:48.879 little moment replayed and replayed, all quiet and ordinary, but 80 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:51.400 I can't seem to tune it out. I tell myself 81 00:03:51.439 --> 00:03:53.639 it means nothing. That I'm searching for meaning, because my 82 00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:55.960 own week's been rotten, because working from home has me 83 00:03:55.960 --> 00:03:59.319 in prominent self doubt. Still, when Mark mutters something in 84 00:03:59.319 --> 00:04:01.240 his sleep, I can't i'd hear. I spend the rest 85 00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:03.159 of the night anxiously passing the silence for what I 86 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:06.199 didn't hear. It wasn't always like this, with me, reading 87 00:04:06.199 --> 00:04:09.599 subjects into every stumble. Six years ago, Mark was a 88 00:04:09.639 --> 00:04:11.080 free floating at hom when I met him at a 89 00:04:11.080 --> 00:04:14.280 gallery crawl, both of us overthinking bad wine and insolation, art, 90 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:16.879 me barely piecing together my first handful of clients and 91 00:04:17.040 --> 00:04:19.480 fresh at the creative agency, pitching scripts no one had 92 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:22.079 asked for. He made me laugh full tilt with that 93 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:24.160 gendiv even the first night, when I wore shoes that 94 00:04:24.279 --> 00:04:26.240 pinched and he wore a paint splotted bomber with just 95 00:04:26.360 --> 00:04:29.839 enough cockines to make it work. His restlessness was contagious. 96 00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:32.560 He had this habit of jumping headlong into everything and 97 00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:35.879 prov classes gorilla pop up events, a doomed chili cookof 98 00:04:36.480 --> 00:04:39.519 He was never embarrassed to look ridiculous. I loved that 99 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:42.399 about him. What balanced us in the beginning was how 100 00:04:42.439 --> 00:04:45.319 different we were about everything that mattered. I clung to order, 101 00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:48.199 color coded trailer boards, reminders, chirping at me all day. 102 00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:50.959 Mark would leave a trail of half skipped steps, turning 103 00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:54.160 every basic errand into a minor adventure, sometimes deeply annoying, 104 00:04:54.360 --> 00:04:58.199 more often disarming. Somehow we cobbled a life out of opposites. 105 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:01.720 Me an interior designer, forever hunting for colored texture, clarity, 106 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:04.959 markus whirling force of jokes, last minute plans, and half 107 00:05:05.000 --> 00:05:08.240 remembered birthdays. Our friends called us to par couple, which 108 00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:10.319 we accepted mostly as a joke, but there was truth 109 00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:13.000 in it. We had our traditions as Saturday wander through 110 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:15.639 the farmer's market, arguing about which vickery had the best cours. 111 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:17.879 Us Sunday cilt up with back to back indie films, 112 00:05:17.920 --> 00:05:20.560 standing on borrowed balconies with a glass of cheapsi Angria, 113 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:23.480 planning which city to visit next. We built a home 114 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:25.800 that was equal parts quaking and functional. Me hunting second 115 00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:29.079 ten velvet archers, Mark collecting old concert posters he claimed 116 00:05:29.120 --> 00:05:32.639 were valuable. Work, especially for me, has always been more 117 00:05:32.639 --> 00:05:34.959 than a job. At my structure, my outlet, my world 118 00:05:35.040 --> 00:05:37.959 contained within four white walls and high shelves of tile samples. 119 00:05:38.639 --> 00:05:41.560 After the agency, Marks iways got order. His freelance gigs 120 00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:45.759 overlap with bursts of creative mania, mostly invigorating, sometimes a challenge. 121 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:48.399 Our share of friends orbited us in a loose constellation. 122 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:51.360 There was always an after party, a group texting at 123 00:05:51.360 --> 00:05:54.720 midnight and invite your another half ironic themed dinner. I 124 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.439 always felt like I knew everyone in Mark's orbit. Our 125 00:05:57.480 --> 00:06:00.160 circles laid together. His agency friends became my first of 126 00:06:00.160 --> 00:06:02.560 a crew. My college room. It married his oldest friend. 127 00:06:03.240 --> 00:06:06.399 It felt safe. But this last year was different. My 128 00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:08.839 contracts dried up from months a nightmare face where my 129 00:06:08.920 --> 00:06:12.000 kalander was empty except for forced optimism and anxious spreadsheets. 130 00:06:12.519 --> 00:06:15.439 At first, being home was liberating pajamas at noon coffee. 131 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:18.319 In a real Mark, no sub would crash. Two months 132 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:21.279 in I was more isolated than liberated. I missed the 133 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:24.480 random compliments from venders, the feeling of being envied by colleagues. 134 00:06:25.079 --> 00:06:27.600 There were days I went through in sweatpaints, not bothering 135 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:30.160 with Muscara, spending ten minutes debating if my new logo 136 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:32.879 looked amateur. Mark always claimed it was just a phase 137 00:06:32.920 --> 00:06:34.800 that I get new clients again soon, and he was 138 00:06:34.839 --> 00:06:38.399 gracious about it. Still, I felt defective, a background actress 139 00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:41.639 in my own marriage. Into that forward stepped the running club. 140 00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:45.360 Mark had always doubled in fitness, like everything, but last 141 00:06:45.360 --> 00:06:47.680 fall he found this crew, mostly people from local design 142 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:50.399 firms and ad agencies, gathering for early morning loots in 143 00:06:50.439 --> 00:06:53.639 the park, then coffee. I finally found my try. Mark 144 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:55.920 sat one Saturday, between bites of kale and ag toased, 145 00:06:55.959 --> 00:06:58.839 beeming like a kid. I was genuinely happy for him. 146 00:06:59.319 --> 00:07:01.480 He needed something that wasn't work, some place to pour 147 00:07:01.560 --> 00:07:05.240 his crazed energy. Sometimes though, I wished he'd involve me more, 148 00:07:05.319 --> 00:07:08.519 just a lunch, maybe a groupan but it quickly became 149 00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:10.879 his thing, a whole. Well. They only glimpsed from sippets 150 00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:12.439 and run club means. He'd loth it with his phone 151 00:07:12.439 --> 00:07:15.040 face down on the table. I tease him about becoming 152 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:18.279 a cult jogger. He'd roll his eyes, kiss me, promise 153 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:20.920 to get me into running shape, I'd fain tear me 154 00:07:21.040 --> 00:07:24.399 the girl who barely owns sneakers. Lately, though there is 155 00:07:24.439 --> 00:07:27.399 a new rhythm, our usual spontaneity is withered, replaced by 156 00:07:27.399 --> 00:07:31.040 plans and checkin's routine. Even the sex is different, scheduled, 157 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:35.279 not organic, not playful. I find myself reminiscing about those 158 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:37.519 first months we skip work just to build pillow forts 159 00:07:37.600 --> 00:07:41.560 blur John Afnoonzushi wander the city. Mark says he misses 160 00:07:41.600 --> 00:07:44.480 those days too, but when I described them, he sounds distant, 161 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:47.319 as if I'm describing a show he half remembers. I 162 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:50.120 try not to take it personally. I blame work, blame burnout. 163 00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:53.079 But somewhere in my stomach there's restless ache, a sense 164 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:55.519 that even small changes have a meaning. A camp laze. 165 00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:59.040 Monday morning, Mack wakes before me, slipping out the door 166 00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:01.839 with a scrape of his over running shoes. I stretch, 167 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:04.720 peek at my phone. By the time he's back very late. 168 00:08:04.759 --> 00:08:07.079 This time, he's flushed and jittery, drops his gear by 169 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.079 the door and heads for the shower with barely a word. 170 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.360 Usually after he runs, he'll flop on the bed, sweat, 171 00:08:12.399 --> 00:08:15.959 damp and chatty. Sometimes its complaints about the weather. Sometimes 172 00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:18.319 it's a story about someone's well playless choice or a 173 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:21.079 new donut shop. To day, his hair is slick, his 174 00:08:21.079 --> 00:08:23.800 skin is shining, but there's something off. When I throw 175 00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:26.279 a passing comment over my shoulder could run, he shoots 176 00:08:26.279 --> 00:08:29.519 me a tight grin amazing brutal route. Though I'm dying. 177 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:32.600 He's evasive as he towels off. Smells like a shopper 178 00:08:32.840 --> 00:08:36.360 spicy clone. I don't recognize, not as usual vanilla warm 179 00:08:36.399 --> 00:08:39.000 set the one I bought him are second Christmas. I 180 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:42.039 reach for a joke, upgrading your musk, but he laughs 181 00:08:42.039 --> 00:08:44.919 and changes the subject almost instantly, Digging into his phone, 182 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:47.320 I busy myself with sketching a mood board for a 183 00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.600 potential client, trying not to read too much into it. 184 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:53.759 Mark's phone buzzes three times with muted notifications. He glances 185 00:08:53.799 --> 00:08:56.360 at each, then slides face down on to the window sill. 186 00:08:56.919 --> 00:08:59.000 He used to leave its gathered anywhere, by the sink 187 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:02.279 by the bath room, evenors now it feels like an 188 00:09:02.279 --> 00:09:05.960 extension of his hand. Later, he's on his laptop muttering 189 00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:09.600 about agency strategy sessions. I ask of handily, who is 190 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:12.159 in the group today? The usual crowd, expecting a rundown 191 00:09:12.200 --> 00:09:16.559 of familiar names. Instead, he shrugs, just the club leader 192 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:19.240 mostly Ben. I could swell. Last week the leader was 193 00:09:19.279 --> 00:09:23.240 called Sam. I don't press. It's easy at first to 194 00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:26.440 dismiss these little things as nerves. I remember what it 195 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:28.360 was like when Mark started the job at the agency, 196 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:31.639 how the pressure built, how his attentions ban slept. Maybe 197 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:34.320 I'm just feeling neglected or jealous of his new tribe. 198 00:09:34.679 --> 00:09:37.360 I grip myself against the rising tide, remind myself the 199 00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:40.559 couple's drift, that a little mystery isn't disloyalty. But a 200 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:43.279 part of me wonders, is this just another phase? Or 201 00:09:43.279 --> 00:09:46.159 am I the boring homebody? The anchor weighed on his momentum. 202 00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:49.120 The next day, Mark takes me from his run, saying 203 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:50.919 he'll be late. The club is doing the long route 204 00:09:50.919 --> 00:09:53.679 to day. He says not to wait up. When he 205 00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:56.720 returns almost two hours later, he's loser, bright eyed, hyper. 206 00:09:57.320 --> 00:09:59.639 But there's that sent again, sharper and unfamiliar, like a 207 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:02.919 cologne sample lifted from a magazine page. I can't help 208 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:05.360 but wonder when did he start caring so much about 209 00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:07.799 how he smells after a run? I let it go, 210 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:10.600 or try to. He steps in for a hog, damp 211 00:10:10.600 --> 00:10:13.240 and laughing. I've rest my hand on his chest, tracing 212 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:15.639 the fold in his T shirt. Don't you ever get 213 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.559 sick of these people? Not yet, he says the words 214 00:10:18.600 --> 00:10:21.240 just to beat off ligorersol. He tries to pull me 215 00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:23.480 up off the couch, but I tell him I'm finishing 216 00:10:23.480 --> 00:10:25.879 a pitch deck that he should take a shower. He 217 00:10:25.960 --> 00:10:29.399 disappears down the hall. Ten minutes later, music plays softy 218 00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:32.120 from the bathroom, something loow in moody, not his usual playlist. 219 00:10:32.759 --> 00:10:35.480 I find myself wondering stupidly if that means something to 220 00:10:36.159 --> 00:10:39.519 By Thursday, the patterns are harder to ignore. Mark's running 221 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:42.679 club meets last longer and longer. On those nights. He 222 00:10:42.720 --> 00:10:45.639 always showers the second he's through the door. Receipts turn 223 00:10:45.720 --> 00:10:47.840 up in our shared bank account an arts and coffee bar. 224 00:10:47.879 --> 00:10:50.519 I don't recognize two cocktails to a new place downtown, 225 00:10:50.600 --> 00:10:53.320 stuff that doesn't match the running routes. I know that 226 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:55.919 week he cancels our usual date night, texting at sixth 227 00:10:55.960 --> 00:10:57.559 that he is dead on his feet from a brutal 228 00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:00.679 health session. I tell him to rest, that we can reschedule, 229 00:11:00.759 --> 00:11:03.919 but truthfully a feel stone. Even in our busiest times, 230 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:06.840 Mark used to fight for nights out. Now he's urging 231 00:11:06.840 --> 00:11:09.799 me to hang with my friends. His tone brittle, almost irritated. 232 00:11:10.360 --> 00:11:12.879 In a rare moment of spontaneity, I messaged Nina, my 233 00:11:12.919 --> 00:11:16.080 oldest college friend, for brunch. After we're seated with our 234 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:19.360 usual mimoss, my anxiety leaks out. I tell her I'm 235 00:11:19.399 --> 00:11:22.360 worried Mark slipping away, that there's this distance, this cardiness 236 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:25.000 I can't name. Nina gives me a searching look, but 237 00:11:25.080 --> 00:11:27.840 tries to lighten it. You could always check his Strava. 238 00:11:27.960 --> 00:11:30.000 If he's doing those epic runs, he must have the 239 00:11:30.039 --> 00:11:32.639 badge bound to prove it. I laugh, but the idea 240 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:36.159 sits wearily in my chest. I realize I've never seen 241 00:11:36.200 --> 00:11:39.039 Mark post about his runs. Isn't that half the point? 242 00:11:39.120 --> 00:11:42.200 These days? I joke about being the only person alive 243 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.080 who hasn't joined a cult a fitness tracking. Nina offers 244 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:47.039 to check the club's Instagram with me later, but I 245 00:11:47.080 --> 00:11:50.200 wave her off, not wanting to seem controlling. At home, 246 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:53.159 I poke a round online. The running Club's page is 247 00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:55.840 full of photos of parks, smiling faces. Straped with medals 248 00:11:55.840 --> 00:11:58.120 and cups of coal brew. There's Mark in a few 249 00:11:58.120 --> 00:12:00.960 group shots, one from three weeks ago. He looks sunburned 250 00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:04.720 mid laugh. I scroll then I notice a pattern. He 251 00:12:04.759 --> 00:12:07.799 hadn't been tagged in anything recently. The posts had all 252 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:10.279 come from a woman named because someone Mark hasn't mentioned. 253 00:12:10.879 --> 00:12:13.639 I click through Becka's fee. She's there in every club photo, 254 00:12:13.720 --> 00:12:17.039 always front and center, arms looped around every runner. In 255 00:12:17.080 --> 00:12:19.320 two photos Marcus closed beside her, though not in the 256 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:22.480 last few weeks. My stomach clench is not just because 257 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:25.120 beck exists, but because Mark's never brought her up ever. 258 00:12:25.799 --> 00:12:28.200 I turn my phone off, telling myself not to spiral. 259 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:31.879 The suspicion doesn't let up. Now that I'm alert. Everything 260 00:12:31.879 --> 00:12:35.440 looks different text after midnight, the shiftiness when I ask 261 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.159 about the group, the way he enters the room, and 262 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:39.399 his body seems to change as soon as he sees me. 263 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:43.360 Watching shoulders tends, always pausing a beat before answering. One night, 264 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:45.559 Mark comes home late from a Thursday run the Telltale 265 00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:48.639 craft cocktail charged pind An Auriga. He takes his phone 266 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:51.000 straight to the bathroom. When I glance in as I 267 00:12:51.000 --> 00:12:53.399 brush my teeth, the phone is plugged in behind the towels, 268 00:12:53.639 --> 00:12:55.759 face down, dim so low, I can barely see the 269 00:12:55.759 --> 00:12:59.320 flush of notifications. He's humming to himself, a forced effort 270 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:02.039 to sound careless. I want to ask why he's always 271 00:13:02.080 --> 00:13:05.679 hiding his phone, but the word stick Saturday morning marks 272 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:08.440 up before dawn. I'll be gone a while, trail loop, 273 00:13:08.519 --> 00:13:11.759 he says, already lacing his shoes in the hallway. Some 274 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:15.080 of the group are grabbing smoothies. After I'm barely awake. 275 00:13:15.879 --> 00:13:18.159 I wave him out, my voice muffled in the pillow. 276 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:20.679 A few hours later, on my way back from the 277 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:23.600 flower shop, I cut through the old book DISTRICTI City's lifeline, 278 00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:26.440 and there he is, half way down a block, wearing 279 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.919 jeans and a navy jacket, talking animatedly to some one 280 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:31.679 I can't see from my angle. Nothing about him, says, 281 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:34.320 just finished a run. His hair is styled, there's not 282 00:13:34.360 --> 00:13:37.279 a sweat mark inside. I try to catch a better look, 283 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:40.039 but a city bus chucks between us. By the time 284 00:13:40.039 --> 00:13:42.919 I crossed the intersection, he's gone. My chest is tight. 285 00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:45.600 When I get home, I make coffee, try to focus 286 00:13:45.600 --> 00:13:48.679 on my deadlines, telling myself that was probably nothing. Maybe 287 00:13:48.679 --> 00:13:51.480 he changed after his run. Maybe he's meeting a friend 288 00:13:51.480 --> 00:13:53.879 about a side project and didn't want to drag me along. 289 00:13:54.440 --> 00:13:56.679 But hours later, Mark sweeps through the door in fresh 290 00:13:56.759 --> 00:13:59.679 jog and gear, brandishing a bottle of Press juice. He 291 00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:02.480 got locky beat rain, he says, nodding at my umbrella 292 00:14:02.480 --> 00:14:04.840 in the drawing rack. Did you want to head out 293 00:14:04.879 --> 00:14:08.639 for lunch? I ask, trying to sound breezy. He considers 294 00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:11.919 just a second too long before answering, Actually, some of 295 00:14:11.960 --> 00:14:13.600 us are hitting up this new place for post run 296 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:17.000 drinks next week. You should come if you want, Maybe, 297 00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:19.360 I say, I'm sure if he really means it. But 298 00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:22.399 before I can follow up, phosas will Becca be there, 299 00:14:23.080 --> 00:14:25.679 he pivots to a story about Simon's disasters Fanta see 300 00:14:25.679 --> 00:14:28.519 baseball bit. I pretend to laugh, but my joyg's from 301 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:31.120 the strain. That night I sleep, Polly the way heavier 302 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:33.960 Now I replay each odd moment, the skep date night, 303 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:36.720 the unknown clone, the endless foam privacy, the Kafir seats, 304 00:14:36.759 --> 00:14:39.039 the unfamiliar tone when he says going out the way. 305 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:41.080 His loft breaks. If I mention anything about the club 306 00:14:41.639 --> 00:14:44.000 at brunchwoo Neina the next morning, I break down and 307 00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:47.360 tell her about seeing Mark in street clothes. She's supportive, 308 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:51.600 but pragmatic. Either something's up or your imagining patterns. Either way, 309 00:14:51.679 --> 00:14:54.879 you probably need to ask directly. So after dinner, when 310 00:14:54.879 --> 00:14:58.200 Mark comes into the kitchen, a try. You've seemed distant lately. 311 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:00.919 I keep noticing things light nights. The running club staff 312 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:04.399 is everything all right? My voice cracks midway, which embarrasses me. 313 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:08.240 Mark gives a helpless smile, strokes I get that I've 314 00:15:08.240 --> 00:15:11.039 been stressed. Honestly, works felt like a hamster wheel. I 315 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:12.919 don't know. Maybe I do need more time with you. 316 00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:15.600 I'm just spurned out. You haven't done anything wrong. I 317 00:15:15.639 --> 00:15:18.639 want to believe him. He reaches for my hand, squeezes it. 318 00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:21.159 Says we should take a week end, get out of 319 00:15:21.159 --> 00:15:23.240 the city. We said, God knows, I could use a 320 00:15:23.279 --> 00:15:26.240 break for a couple of days. I let myself rest. 321 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:29.480 Mark is more prisoned. He brings home flowers, makes a 322 00:15:29.480 --> 00:15:32.399 clumsy joke about my shoe collection, cooks a passable breakfast. 323 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.399 We even go for a lazy, tipsy walk by the river, 324 00:15:35.639 --> 00:15:38.840 laughing at nothing. I almost start to believe things are turning. 325 00:15:39.720 --> 00:15:42.080 I tell myself we just hit a slump. No relationship 326 00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:45.679 is immune. Sunday, late afternoon, Mark leaves his phone on 327 00:15:45.720 --> 00:15:49.360 the coffee table. He's in the shower. A notification pops 328 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:51.879 up at dinner be seven p m. Cafe junction, be 329 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:55.440 like Becka. The time is exactly his next scheduled club night. 330 00:15:56.080 --> 00:15:58.679 All the hope that's been creeping back drains away. He 331 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:02.000 never mentioned dinner. I suddenly remember those club ins to 332 00:16:02.000 --> 00:16:03.960 grum Post, the fact she's in every picture at the 333 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:06.320 post where he's at his side, the lack of recent tags. 334 00:16:06.919 --> 00:16:10.159 Now there's a private dinner a cafe he's never taken me. 335 00:16:10.840 --> 00:16:13.080 After Mark leaves for his run that night, I check 336 00:16:13.080 --> 00:16:16.399 the running club public event calendar. No run is scheduled. 337 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:19.320 I scrolled through three months of events. Nothing listed for 338 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:22.759 this night or the next. Anxiety makes my hands clammy. 339 00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:26.320 Every sound in the apartment is too loud. I remember 340 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:28.919 last week's receipts are to no coffee cocktails on Thursdays. 341 00:16:28.960 --> 00:16:31.759 Always Thursdays there long run night. But if the club 342 00:16:31.799 --> 00:16:34.919 isn't meeting, what is he really doing? Half an hour later, 343 00:16:35.080 --> 00:16:38.440 Mark messages me sorry, club's running late gradebier. Then heading home, 344 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:42.360 he adds, don't wait up The message is breezy, punctuated 345 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:45.639 with emojis. I try to focus on work, but after 346 00:16:45.679 --> 00:16:49.000 two paragraphs I give up. Eventually, I throw on a jacket, 347 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:53.159 nothing fancy, hair up lit, balm, nondescript. I tell myself, 348 00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:55.679 I'm just going for air. I'll leave my phone at 349 00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:57.840 home so I can't be tracked. Breathing shallow. As I 350 00:16:57.879 --> 00:17:00.320 step into the noise of the city, I I feel 351 00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:02.039 like a bad actor in a bad play. The needy 352 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.839 wife sneaking around the walk to caffege junction is only 353 00:17:04.839 --> 00:17:08.400 twenty minutes. It's long, between beautiques and a butcher's shop, 354 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:11.039 all warm lighting and gleaming wood grain through the glass. 355 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:14.480 I stand across the street, feeling foolish, telling myself to 356 00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:17.680 get a grip. Then I see them, Mark seated in 357 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:20.480 the window, clean jeans, casual, black jacket, different from his 358 00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:22.720 usual gear, across from an auburn haired woman with sharp 359 00:17:22.720 --> 00:17:25.960 features and a familiar wide smile, Becka from the running 360 00:17:25.960 --> 00:17:29.680 club photos. They're laughing, leaning across the narrow table, their 361 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:33.799 hands just grazing. I should walk away, I know I should, 362 00:17:34.039 --> 00:17:37.240 but I dart closer. I can't hear everything, but between 363 00:17:37.279 --> 00:17:40.039 the comings and goings, dishes, clinking, jazz warbling, the low 364 00:17:40.119 --> 00:17:43.440 rumble of the city. I cash fragments, Becca says lower. 365 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:46.640 I hate lying to people. Mark squeezes her hand half 366 00:17:46.720 --> 00:17:49.519 under the table. It's complicated. I just need time to 367 00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:52.640 figure things out. She looks near tears, looks at him 368 00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:54.920 like she wants to believe that makes it better. I 369 00:17:54.960 --> 00:17:57.119 step back into the shadows, so hot I nearly hit 370 00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.559 the glass behind me. My hand is shaking. I shouldn't 371 00:18:00.599 --> 00:18:03.839 be here. I shouldn't know this way. A heart flush 372 00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:06.480 bills in me, not just betrayal, but shame. I feel 373 00:18:06.519 --> 00:18:08.440 like I'm inraveling right there on a late night street 374 00:18:08.440 --> 00:18:11.240 in the city. We colders. But it isn't odd the truth, 375 00:18:11.400 --> 00:18:14.319 is it. I'm left standing, not knowing what's real. Was 376 00:18:14.359 --> 00:18:16.920 this just a brief, regrettable slip. Or has my marriage 377 00:18:16.920 --> 00:18:19.119 been dissolving for months? While I painted a Saint wall's 378 00:18:19.119 --> 00:18:22.960 and filed embassies, my chessys were shame and exhaustion. The 379 00:18:23.000 --> 00:18:26.079 next morning, after Mark leaves, cheerful, oddly energize, I reach 380 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:28.720 out to Becca through the running clubs Instagram, fumbling through 381 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:31.839 polite words. This is hard, but could you be honest 382 00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:35.279 with me? Minutes pass my hand sweat as I read 383 00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:39.319 and reread what I wrote. Beckam messages back cautiously. I 384 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:41.240 am so so sorry. We didn't mean for it to 385 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:43.000 happen to started at the end of last year. It 386 00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:45.960 was just supposed to be a friendship. She apologizes for 387 00:18:46.119 --> 00:18:48.640 not saying more, for letting it go on. It's been 388 00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:50.759 a horrible secret. I know I'm to blame. I never 389 00:18:50.799 --> 00:18:53.799 wanted to hug you. She doesn't volunteer details past the 390 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:56.960 fact that it has been months, not weeks. I don't reply. 391 00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:00.000 Every cub wants to scream, to demand the entire story, 392 00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:03.400 oory dates, receipts, line by line. But there's a humiliation 393 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:05.920 in needing the details, a tremor of self preservation that 394 00:19:06.039 --> 00:19:08.799 keeps me from asking. I close the chat. Sit on 395 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:10.880 my bed in our half made city apartment. Hands preston 396 00:19:10.920 --> 00:19:13.480 my mouth to stop the shuddering in my chest. I 397 00:19:13.480 --> 00:19:16.200 am not sure I can face marquiette. But the truth 398 00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:19.160 is no longer a guessing game. There's only the question 399 00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:21.039 of how long I will linger on the threshold, which 400 00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:23.319 version of myself will be left when the next conversation 401 00:19:23.400 --> 00:19:26.640