Speaker 1: Conny, Gather round, Dirty Conny did the can, join the
Questing Is and charted join.
Speaker 2: The icy blast.
Speaker 3: Six writers face off by a roll of the dice
felt quite dirty, leaving nothing behind but fingerprints and a
tall taiale, stealing carts, breaking parts with plenty.
Speaker 4: Of time to kill and icy.
Speaker 2: Maasters ten dis always ticing. You know the camp be
Dasty Bastards come and join the dice Baster.
Speaker 5: Hey, they're Arian Devian's Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to
the next episode of The Dicey Bastards Season two. I'm
m Kay Gibson, your host, dungeon Master, author of many books,
and I've been told I talk too faster than the intro,
so I'm slowing it down so to use people. I
hate you and I hate speaking at this this speed.
So uh, who do I have with me today?
Speaker 4: Who told you that, Gibby? Was it a boomer to
get a boom? Is that done? Man? We're all about
gen z speak quicker anything.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but unfortunately the boomers they have taxes. It's it's
supposed to be like one of those scenarios like where
like people are listening to the podcast and like and
they're like Oh if the guy's talking too fast, they
like blah blah blah, it doesn't matter. So I'm just
started bringing out to an even speaking speed. If this
is more comfortable, or I'll speak speed it back up.
Speaker 6: We were just talking about how old we are, so
so speed it up.
Speaker 5: Fair enough?
Speaker 7: All right?
Speaker 5: Who over you today? We have Rubber Bubban. How are you, sir?
Speaker 8: Hello? Friend nice? I'm doing all right. Yeah, I'm Raven.
I play the role of Jorser, the Sorcerer, the Sorcerer
with the Morcerer, and I write the Caverns and Creature
series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories.
Speaker 5: Now, because you were late last time you did not
attend class, you have explained to the rest of the
kids what happened what happened to you last week? And
make it a good excuse. I forgot great excuse. I
love it so filling in for mister Bevan was our
other Bevin stand in Rick Walterry Rick, How are you, sir?
Speaker 7: I am quite fine, mister Gibson. Anyway, my name is
Richard Walteriri and I play Mook Faced Eater, who is
a feisty orc trapped in the body of a filthy
freaking elf. In real life, I write such such things
as The Toom of Bill, the Hi Moon series, and
currently I'm working on for trying to edit four books,
including a techto thriller, another horror comedy. New Stuff's going
to be out someday, probably not today, So go read
my old stuff again.
Speaker 5: I'm glad you built up to the explosion of the
moo in or l thing, because you would. The way
your your cadence was like, oh wow, this was like
a very like old McLaughlin g a very pleasant way
of speaking. Good how are you? And I was I
was uncomfortable by this, speaking of uncomfortable. Drew, fresh off
of golf con new eyeliner all the way around and black,
tell us about it, mister Hayes, Oh.
Speaker 9: Man, I look great an eyeliner. Halloween in the mid
two thousands was a wonderful time for me. But I
am Drew Hayes, author of books such as NPC's Superpower Spread,
The Vampire Accountant, Villain's Code, five Minute Sherlock, and I'm
not slowing down for any of you focks uh. In
recent news, I have the latest book in the Villain's
Code series, Villains Vignettes, Volume two coming out an audiobook on
August twenty sixth, and the next most recent Chilling Reflections,
came out back in July Jule when I played Coubert
the Expedient.
Speaker 5: Yeah, weld say the expedia there it is.
Speaker 9: Yeah, the horse who always walks into a bar.
Speaker 10: Emily Captain the bear her walks into the bar, the
bomb and says, hi, kebad, what can I get you?
Speaker 5: The long du why the long face drew? Yeah, about
your dick, you know, speaking of okay, speaking of dead moms,
Emily Kaplan.
Speaker 4: Emily has to do a Segui.
Speaker 5: Has to happen. How gooey it is is up to you,
So pick your goo.
Speaker 4: Oh hi, hey, you know only woman on the podcast.
Speaker 6: I'm Emily. I write books under E. M. Kaplan. I'm
writing the second book after Arsenic and Albis. It'll be
called Lie, Larceny and Lies and Play. Yeah, yeah, I'm
playing Claudia the rogue bear Rager thing. And I was thinking,
as we were watching the hurricane defy all odds and
not shift north and make tracks exactly toward where I
am on Woman in Wilmington, that maybe I should stop
killing kids.
Speaker 7: In character or real life.
Speaker 5: You know exactly which one we're talking about here? No comment, Oh,
speaking of child murder.
Speaker 4: There, you've got to do the segway.
Speaker 5: I don't know what my friend Steve's doing.
Speaker 8: Instead, I saw a billboard the other day and said
stop human trafficking, and I thought they're right. I am
going to stop.
Speaker 7: Thanks billboard.
Speaker 5: You're right, Steve, save us from all the sinsanity.
Speaker 4: Oh I haven't seen that billboard, givvy, So I'm going
to carry on doing whatever the funk I want. Yeah,
and Emily, I have to say this. This episode is
going out in the future. There's still time for the
hurricane to come back, so maybe don't count your chickens.
Speaker 9: Yep.
Speaker 4: Yeah, my name is Steve. No hurricanes here, no billboards
telling me to be a better person. I like my life.
It's fine. I play Stan Dandyliver, a boomer hero in
a world of feisty millennial antiheroes. And you can find
my books wherever books exist, which is in reality.
Speaker 5: Find his books in reality. All right, before we get started.
Speaker 7: Out, that's deep.
Speaker 5: It was deep, deep shit. Hey, before we get started
with taking moments or mind everyone that you're not part
of the ND family. You are missing out. Hilbert Patreon
dot com, slash Authors and Dragons. Check out the various
tiers and all kinds of perks two dollars a month.
Did you win our discord can hang out our fans
hang out with us. We just had a live hang
out with our fans last night. Rick and I talked
a lot about writing and listen to our fans. It
was a good time. If you want to jump give
us some higher tiers and get some more perks, please
feel free or ed over Authors and Dragons, Authors and
Dragons dot Dashery dot com. They need a better thing
for this and gets some cool marches.
Speaker 7: Go to our website. Just go to Authors and Dragons
dot com. There's a link at the top. Don't make
his remember shit, we're getting old.
Speaker 9: You go to authors and Dragons dot com. You go
up near the top. There's a cow. Don't turn left
at the cow. You go right by the cow, left
by the barn. There's a link up there. It's not
the first but the third.
Speaker 5: Ling.
Speaker 9: Oh, none of y'all grew up in a fucking rural
community and had to give direction.
Speaker 5: Com Peters's farm. He went too far. You got to
turn around and come back now. No, I understand, motherfucker.
I AnyWho? Hey, you know what, chillink. We're done with it.
We're done with the Let's play a fucking game. We're
like ten minutes into this, So all right, is everybody ready?
My hoofs and my hoofs readings? Oh this is Connie
Stans conscience.
Speaker 7: How are you?
Speaker 5: When we last left, the dicey Bachelard's dog Gaggalo goofy
gangsters once again committed an unforgivable sin of splitting the party.
Not in two no, no, this time it's a throupple. Going
three ways is always more fun, especially when you're in
the center of attention, which they are. Moog Face Eater
decided to check out the Impossible Taste and dragged a
comotos George with a sorcerer along with them. Once there,
they met Richard the Baard just in time and Matt
Demon from the Totally Innocent Party and a trio of
demonic monsters including Bacon Berger at a veggie pizza. A
totally innocent party opted to not help in any way,
shape or form. In fact, they wish move you die,
which is something he said using some fancy fortwork move
dodge the veggie pizza shoved some bacon had it and
created it an unholy calzone. Over on the other side,
we have the CNC Music Factory, which is Claudi and
Cobert opting to fulfill their wet dreams and check out
the Grand Ribsy's Pool also named the Wet Dreams, but
theirs with a Z because they're cool. But the duo
had to face the ultimate decision, deal with a monster
made of chlorine water and piss or play slide jack
human page turning from an innocent party, we're not helping
in any way either. After the colorpiss monster used children
as improvid missiles, Cabert opted to walk on water while
Claudia just threw them back, adding not just to her
belt child murder not just on the belt for clarification.
And last, but not least, my beloved Daniel Dandy Liver
opted to educate the mind as he headed off to
the book nook. Unfortunately, he encountered a thought goblin. This
mimic like being consumed ideas and spits back onto Monopia.
Grassy No mostly complained about how books were just dead trees,
showing how spry he is stand dodge several attacks, including
a fireball which has the library on fire. Then pulled
a back muscle attempting to push a shelf onto the monster.
And that's where we picked up.
Speaker 4: I wasn't really looking to improve my mind. I was
just looking for a place to have a quiet nap.
I failed in both of those aspirations.
Speaker 5: Who would like to start first? We have to start
with move and moogh moog and Jorysuwer. We started to
pull with Claudia Kaberra. We could jump in the stands
at the at the library.
Speaker 9: I think the people missed their daily dose of Jorser
last time, so.
Speaker 5: Check in on do you need a daily doses Orser?
I thought they said if you have to, you have
to see a doctor at a certain point when it's
that's no more than once a day is the okay, okay.
Speaker 4: Okay, joeceerer a day keeps society away.
Speaker 7: If Georgeier hangs out around your house for more than
four hours, call it doctor or the police.
Speaker 5: All right, just for Bob's uh say, we are not
doing a turn based off. This is more of a
role play style com You still do your actions, they
do directions, but we're not keeping strict term based rules.
We keep this kind of loosey goosey. So we have
so many people all over the place. So right now,
as you can see there, Bob are at the bottom
of you are on this You are sitting on this
stag outside of this portal which is currently closed just
in time, and Matt demon with totally some party. You
are just kind of leisurely watching move fight a giant
but looks like a big slice of veggie pizza that
has now wrapped itself into a cal zone thanks to
shoving bacon into it. And there is a burger. There
is a giant burger with a basketball throwing balls from
time to time.
Speaker 8: All right, and I am just waking up to this kind.
Speaker 5: Of Remember the last thing you did was you were
diving for clothes inside of the theater thing and they
just kind of drug the pile. So you are in
in a pile of theater clothes and you're just kind
of you finally made your way out.
Speaker 4: Oh boy, Bevin, how are you dressed?
Speaker 5: Yeah? So after all this, how are we dressed? A
good goal?
Speaker 8: Well, I don't know. There's some giant food runner around.
I kind of don't want to get all my new
fancy clothes darty. So I'm not gonna bother getting dressed.
I'm just gonna go. Let'll try and take a bite
out of that burger.
Speaker 6: But a surprise, And how is Georcier addressed to make
on the bingo card?
Speaker 4: I think that wrestles a giant cal zone. Then I
think I've actually dreamed that.
Speaker 9: I might have gone with the nightmare.
Speaker 5: But you do you yep, yep, yep.
Speaker 4: It's not nothing as good or badger, and he seeming
all right.
Speaker 5: So you come out and you see like a giant
pizza folded over to a calzone attacking moog and a
basketball burger to its right. What do you do, Georger?
Does anybody else hear me?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 5: Did I go quiet?
Speaker 7: No? No, nope, we hear you all right?
Speaker 5: Well, he ponders that moog?
Speaker 7: What do you want to?
Speaker 8: Don't know?
Speaker 7: He I think he left. I think he felt he
fell off.
Speaker 9: Georcer just looked at the food and walked the fuck away.
Speaker 4: Right good, I'm clearly not awake yet, back to sleep.
Speaker 5: I go all right, so moved briefly, you saw Georser
stand up, looked around, took off his clothes and just
laid it back down. So that's what you got going
on with you, my friend. So move you're left behind
once again like Matt Demon at just the time, like,
way to go this team, this fucking team, am I right?
Speaker 9: Oh? The best part is like that easily could have
been what Bob chose to do.
Speaker 7: If you're still that's okay, that's okay. Moog is ready
for uh Mook really didn't expect much help from Dorcer.
So what he is going to do is he's going
to use his once a day misty step okay, to
appear behind Matt Demon. Okay, And at that point, Moog
is going to grapple Matt Demon And well do you
so whisper in his year?
Speaker 4: Now you the meat in this asshole sandwich?
Speaker 5: All right, So give me an attack role that you're
trying to You are trying to grapple matteam. You gotta
beat his armor class.
Speaker 9: I'm I'm so glad we're not there because like I
think we'd be ethically complicated, but not making in the
same room means we could just be like fuck yeah, get.
Speaker 11: Him eighteen all right, that would normally get him, except
he's also a warlock, so he uses his misty steppability
reaction to uh teleport away.
Speaker 5: He's sending out he's inside that fire, her botchy ring.
He's just enjoying some like you know, toasted top us
and like watching like good job buddy gives. He's like
the snarkiest thumbs up that ever could thumbs up.
Speaker 7: Well, that's okay, I still have a move action move.
I'll move behind just in time, because you know something,
all of these innocent party dickheads, they'll make as good
as corpse as the next.
Speaker 4: Right, Gibbie, I've been trying so hard to convince these
people not to murder this party, and you were not
making it easy.
Speaker 5: Well, remember what happened last night. Move salk shit to them,
they say, you know what, fuck it. We work on
help and now we're not. So let's remember. Let's let's
go back to the point of this. And at the
same time, fucking come on there, you're.
Speaker 9: Right Cloudia killed justin times Dad the koala.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's true. Adoptive dad, you know stepdad, you know
who was a piece of shit.
Speaker 9: It's only fair that we kill the son too.
Speaker 6: Hey he slacked a little. I think we're even.
Speaker 5: Yeah, this white haired half helf. Young man who's looking
for is you know, like he's he was adopted by
this guy with the time family. He's been looking around
for somebody. But you know it doesn't matter. Just in
Time sees what you're doing, goes huh uses his rogue
skills to disengage and dash over to here where Moog
is left sitting on the corner. So I'm gonna let
move ponder those actions for a while, and I hope
that uh Jorgerer.
Speaker 4: Comes back just static. I like this is something I said.
Speaker 9: Duke and Dresser effectively had the same amount of impact
on combat that way.
Speaker 5: Yeah, So the veggie teacher moves in and the bee
ball Burger is gonna move around to rishard the barred
uh just because why not? So because he paid to
beat he not reshot at the bar reshot the but
no shot. All right, So while that's going on, who
wants to go next? Chlorine or knowledge chlorine?
Speaker 9: Let let's let's uh give the people what they want,
which is eminently murdering.
Speaker 4: Exactly the swimming pool filled with pace, all right.
Speaker 5: We left off Emily attacking coming basically a haul and
asked over there in her murder bear form uh, to
go over to the chloropiss monster. Uh, you know, and
once again for the Claudi inside is that this is
a water elemental that's mostly chlorine water and public pool piss.
It's gross. Jack human is trying to do some inspiration
forf to the side. He's not doing great because he's
a barred and page turner wearing heavy armoor. I can't
really get into the water unless she and her jwordan
form drowned. So it's kind of left you guys to
do your own thing. Where did you end up?
Speaker 8: Cobert?
Speaker 5: I don't even see you on the map.
Speaker 9: Uh, I'm right, I'm right here.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, yeah, I see you there you are.
Speaker 9: Yep, I believe I have water walk and my you do.
Speaker 5: You have a little air spirit down there.
Speaker 6: So yeah, we're not doing turns, so we can just
I can like, yeah, you just kinda.
Speaker 5: Do your own thing. Just give a few things and
there a few things. So yeah, just we're just keeping
it tight or excuse me, keep it loose, my bad.
Speaker 6: Wait, if this is a pea monster, can I actually
slash at it? Is there some kind of like form?
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean you are magical, so it's magical.
Speaker 4: So you slash unmagical.
Speaker 5: Yeah, your your claws. I mean you are a magical
murder bearer.
Speaker 6: So let's do this.
Speaker 5: Seventeen hits yep, okay, it's eight damage for total fifteen.
Well that's not sneak attack. So actually, takening, you get
sneak attack because there's something engaged on the other side
because there are other things around it. So you you
do fifteen damage, you take uh, you take five orciprocal
damage of like this core like poison because it's like
this this hissing chloring like a steaming got in my
eyes exactly, but it's looking like it's hurts. It's it's
you are going to get.
Speaker 4: Who do if I splashed all this piss around, something
might get on me.
Speaker 9: Everyone has pink guy, just everyone who.
Speaker 5: It is a public pool, so chlorina not you remember
everybody's unwashed asshole and crotches in this water that you
are now swimming in. So just keep that in mind
on vacation. Yeah, how many kids open their mouth when they'rewimming?
Speaker 9: You know, there's a reason Cobert cast a spell to
walk on top of this ship.
Speaker 5: I don't blame you. I think every time I go
to a public pool like especially one on a cruise. No,
thank you.
Speaker 9: Wait, why a cruise specifically because it's grosser.
Speaker 5: It's because at the pools, like a big simmering survey
of like of like midwesterners. It's gross.
Speaker 6: I just watched that poop cruise.
Speaker 9: The three drunk women were like the Greek chorus. They
were so fucking incredible, like the just they talk about
getting handed bags to poop and it just cuts to
these three women in the middle when I immediately started
chugging what's the thing emodium?
Speaker 6: And then they opened the bar.
Speaker 5: All right, Cobert, poop aside, what do you want to do?
Speaker 9: Okay, let's take care of business first. We'll let the
air elemental do a slash. Yeah, he flies down, cuts
it and flies back up out of range with his
fly by attack, hitting for a hitting with a fourteen.
Speaker 7: It's all right.
Speaker 5: For seven damage it takes, and it takes about two
points of chlorine damage.
Speaker 9: Oh right, I will update its health. I know I
have it somewhere here.
Speaker 5: Basically a third of whatever you hit it for, it
hits you back because it is just a massive amount
of chlorine like coming out, So its just big wads
of poison.
Speaker 9: Oh I'm using my blue to track it. Okay, I've
got it. So two yep, Okay, I've got its health
tracked then.
Speaker 5: And both of you have movements left. You can stay
in there and fight Clauda, or you can try to
move around it, Drew. You can also try to get
your way to the water slide if you want to.
Speaker 9: So, yeah, I'm moving. So it's half speed on the sand.
Speaker 5: Unless you're hopping onto if you can do the hot
if you're hopping from chase lounges, if you hop from
thing to think the thing, you can make the total
movement that way.
Speaker 9: So all right, I'm gonna spend twenty feet to get
to here, okay, and then once I'm on the water,
I don't be the penalty should apply from my water walking.
Speaker 5: It does not. Yeah, you're good to go, yep, all.
Speaker 9: Right, So then I will use another twenty feet to
get to there.
Speaker 5: Got it?
Speaker 9: So for the folks listening, Cobert has moved up to
the pool and then gone northeastern away from the monster
to keep himself out of range while he moves towards
the slide.
Speaker 5: Thank you for minding I got it on the spring
because since we're always looking at it, so yes for
the For the audio listeners, the map is of a
giant looks like a beach, kind of a semi circular
beach resort with a big pool with water slides in
the section, and good old U Cabar is now standing
in where all the kids are supposed to get to
the bottom of the water slide and swim away, but
they never do. So he is like, you're actually standing
on baby heads as you walk by these kids popping up,
you're pushing back down since your water walking.
Speaker 4: I could just imagine a kid just flying full speed
into the flank of a horse, but.
Speaker 9: The hoof of a horse, thank you, I'm standing above
the water.
Speaker 5: I like to think we just just pushed our heads
down as you walk.
Speaker 9: All right, So I since I'm within thirty feet, I
rolled with thorn whip attacks the chlorine monster. Okay uh
and I rolled to twenty one, so it's a fourteen hit.
I'm guessing the twenty.
Speaker 5: Yea yeah yea oh god, yeah, yeah, it's four damage. Okay,
and you are actually too far away to get reciprocal
damage because you that was the hope. Yes, yes, you're
how many feet away.
Speaker 9: Are you twenty five.
Speaker 5: Oh no, you're good. Thirty it's thirty feet that sorry
you are, I'm sorry you are in with it, so
for you one point because it's twos half, so you's
a one point of chlorine damage. All righty, it's a
thirty foot air or so.
Speaker 4: I don't know if this is the kind of Atlantic
translation issue, but if I ever go to a swim
park beach that has chas long on the sand, I
don't care it as a giant piss monster. I know
I've made it.
Speaker 5: Especially a padded one. All right. So the piss monster
not to like just getting upset with you like again,
reaches down to the water and picks up children. He's
going to he's going to like use a two handed
slap attack against uh uh Claudia the murder bear. It's
kind like he's got like a pro wresting styles, Like
he's trying to box your ears kids on either side
because you're much larger than you used to be.
Speaker 4: Yes child?
Speaker 9: Wait wait yeah, she dodges. Does that mean it's slamming
two children in one thousand percent?
Speaker 5: What it means? So plus eight? So uh with a
plus eight to hit, that's only a twelve so I
think she misses.
Speaker 7: I don't think.
Speaker 5: What's your armor class? It's gotta be above a twelve, right,
it's eighteen. Yeah, So you slip out of the way
and the monster does exactly just describe, and the kids
like kind of pulp each other and are pushed into
his watery hands, and he just kind of looks like whatever,
and then uses the second attack. He takes their corpses
and then flings them at Kebert. So you got two
incoming missiles.
Speaker 9: Coming to you with cabar Jesus.
Speaker 5: Okay, so eighteen plus eight is uh so a twenty
four and a twenty coming at you?
Speaker 9: Yeah, those are both hit for for listeners. He rolled
those together. For a second, it looked like you rolled
a thirty two.
Speaker 5: Jesus right, rolled two of them, So plus twenty four
and twenty So incoming kid courses like are just flying dead?
Speaker 6: Are their parents? I'm imagining they're.
Speaker 5: Look over here, like you.
Speaker 9: See in these beaches, wait for their drinks to get delivered.
Speaker 5: They're reading their magical scroll and like that's nice, dear,
have fun, you know.
Speaker 4: I have a couple of this way, and I'm finally
at beach with a che Islam. Do not spoil this
for me, Kimmy, I don't care of me dead.
Speaker 9: There's a drunk British man in one of them, just
housing down.
Speaker 5: All right, Drew, there are two okay, so there are
two D six is coming at you, but each one
of these are so it's you both hit you. So
it's two D it's two D six per plus four,
so that's what that's the total damage, So sixteen total
damage of you of kid damage slamming into you.
Speaker 9: Alrighty dang, I am wounded.
Speaker 6: You can I have a couple more slashes at this guy?
Speaker 8: Uh?
Speaker 5: How many tacks do you get around?
Speaker 6: Just one?
Speaker 5: Okay, Well i'll see you next round.
Speaker 7: Drew.
Speaker 5: You were there, you were hurt, and now we're coming
over to our good friends and Andy Liver in the library.
Speaker 4: Okay. So to recap this mimic like creature, not technically
a mimic absorbs knowledge and turns it into atomatipier or ideas,
I suppose, just real world things. I mean, trying to
think of an interesting way to kill this because if
I try to fight it fairly, I will die and
I'm a rogue. So using my keen rogue intellect and
the fact that I have free beers. I am going
to I am going to use my my ink well
pen and parchment which I have in my inventory, Okay,
to write the darkest shit imaginable. I woul attempt to
feed it to this goblin.
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, so you are currently are you? I don't
recall if you're hidden or not. Because it was, it
had eaten. It had eaten to regain its ability. So
that's hiss. Its round is over. It has to eat
to regain its ability. So we cannot do anything this round.
There's still people in the room, so I don't recall.
Speaker 4: Your head, say distract it. I'm about to craft a
masterpiece of self destructive dark literature, Charles Bakowski eat us.
Speaker 7: Out, all right?
Speaker 5: So here's what I want. A persuasion role with advantage
to try to get everybody else in the theater to
distract this creature. Why you write your your skull manifesto?
Speaker 4: I don't see.
Speaker 9: Uh.
Speaker 4: That's just as well. Persuasion is not writing it, or
it would be acome manifesto. Okay, here we go with advance.
How does the anyone else coming up with ideas?
Speaker 2: In you?
Speaker 7: All right?
Speaker 4: Okay? Eighteen twenty four, and that's twenty four.
Speaker 5: So we'll go with the twenty four. Uh yeah, okay,
So you've convinced pretty much everybody with the near shot
to like willingly help you while you do your thing.
So you are dashing around the corner, you are writing.
So these are other people. So we have some elf wizards,
got some merchants, some like reading by swashbook or this
little elf druid stands back up, they were hurt, but
everybody's trying to come around to help deal with this.
And even Grass, you know, from totally innocent party being
the druid. Were you hurt last time?
Speaker 8: I have hurt? All? Yeah?
Speaker 5: Okay, Grass okay is going to switch over to here
try to see past you and give you a healing word.
So actually you just take eight points of healing, uh
being there druids, so they're healing you at range and
while everyone else comes in. So the mimic or the
thought goblin sees this and is going to use all
four of its abilities because that's what it's going to do.
So it's going to shoot zapp this direction, and it's
going to electrify these guys. And because they're nobody's it's
going to work because yeah, they're gonna pretty much fail
their their roles. So the swashbuckler goes down, This little
kids back toy cat goes down. It's gonna use its.
Speaker 4: Pal to use four stama on the cat. This is old,
great material, thank you.
Speaker 5: It's gonna throw another fireball towards Grassy Knoll's way. Grassy
Nell is gonna attempt to dodge it fails. Okay, fire,
So Grassy knowles hit with a fireball and the and
the books that they're around. So this whole bottom right
section is now on fire.
Speaker 4: Uh and uh, hippie, yes, yes, this is all good stuff.
Speaker 5: So the duh. So it has a poof left. But
all these people are now down. Uh so yeah they
gave you the round, but these other people are kind
of out of the picture at the moment. And there's
a lot of fire to the bottom right, so you
get your time to write. Oh no, there's one guy
standing the all trud runs around like hurry the fuck up?
Speaker 4: So stands just smoke of a cigarette. Don't rush. The prices.
Speaker 5: The one that helps you try to push over the
bookshelf is like hurry before it seasons. Before it seesus,
and the mimic turns around, sees that person, and he
will use the poof ability to send that drough a
teleport the other side of the room. The mimic now
needs to eat, so it's gonna go around the corner
and look for more food to regain its abilities. So
you are currently safe, wonderful. All right, we're gonna jump
back over to the restaurant. But unless you guys, are
else you want to do while you're writing your masterpiece?
Speaker 4: No, that is the plan gave you, is to have
any plan I have.
Speaker 5: All right, back to the restaurant.
Speaker 4: Oh wait, can I cast a bodic inspiration on myself?
Speaker 5: Of course you can? Does that what it does? How
do you inspire yourself?
Speaker 4: I already mentioned the cigarette, I think, yeah, as you're.
Speaker 5: Smoke a segaret looking at your own work on God, damn, I'm.
Speaker 4: Good and I saw that cat die, so I don't
know how much more inspiration I need.
Speaker 5: I love it, all right, jorceer. Now that you're back,
my friend.
Speaker 8: And thinking you heard nothing I said. Last time, I.
Speaker 5: Used to get naked and then you disappeared. So we
as far as the game is concerned, George stood up naked,
looked at mood and laid back down. Tricks, So Georcer,
you stay still naked. Moog tried to uh tell, he
tried to Missy step in to mess with the totally
in party. They have Missy stepped out and use their
rogue skills to get out of there. So left Moog
facing down once again the giant cal zone, which is
now much closer, and our good friend richarded the bard
is stuck to the right, is now facing down a burger.
Speaker 8: Oh man, I wanted a piece of that burger. But
you said this pizza has bacon on it.
Speaker 4: Now, well, it was.
Speaker 5: A piece of vegetarian pizza, so it's like, you know, yeah, cheese, pesto,
broccoli and whatever reason, pineapple, And then Moog slammed bacon
into it and it created this unholy cal zone of
like where no one's happy because it's got technically has meat,
but it's all also vegetarian and so it kind of sucks.
Speaker 8: At the same time, it's not technically vegetarian or it's
gotten meat on it.
Speaker 4: It used to be vegetariy.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, okay, Well, I think I'm gonna go help
you at the burger then okay, and yes, I am
not going to bother getting dressed because you know, fancy
new clothes and burger grease. If there's a bib, I'll
put that on.
Speaker 11: Uh.
Speaker 5: If you want to take the time to look for
a bib, give me, give me an investigation.
Speaker 8: All right, Yes, I just want to roll and die.
I guess it's important, all right, investigation here goes fuck?
All right?
Speaker 5: Yeah, no bib sir, but the natural one. You went
looking for a bib and you kind of you leaned
over to look at it and kind of like just
you felt you you just tripped. You just tripped and
fell into the concrete and just bunked your head like
oh damn it, your eyes hurting right down, your assholes
hanging out, and uh yeah, and move you look over
and there's George's brown eye winking back at you.
Speaker 8: That's the opposite of fighting a bib.
Speaker 9: As if this day wasn't going bad enough.
Speaker 5: But you still, I'll let you have the rest of
your action in Georgier, what is it you want to do?
Speaker 8: Fine, fuck bibbs. I would like to go run toward
that burger.
Speaker 5: Okay, go run towards the burger. Okay, are you running
over the wine bottles or.
Speaker 8: Are you running off ship? There's stuff there?
Speaker 5: Uh no, just move up one square there you go?
Speaker 8: All right?
Speaker 5: All right, so you're charging Rashard of the Bard and
the giant burgers. I made him. I made Rishard bigs
every you could see him. He's you know, he's technically
the human size, so he's like that size. So you are, okay,
the entertainment of this particular cruise ship and the giant
burger with the basketball you are charging, get them balls out?
Speaker 8: Correct? Yeah, still kind of confused. Why is their giant
food running around?
Speaker 5: You still have I'll let you have an action that
was your movement, you know, allow looked at my action
was you haven't done anything in a while, So you
still have like cast spell or do something.
Speaker 4: I'll allow it to happen, saving up those actions while
you napped in a pile of clothes for an entire episode.
Speaker 8: All right, well, I guess I'll fire bolt the burger.
Speaker 5: Oh, by the way, you are also at full health,
all spells and full health. By the way, you guys
got a long rest during that scheme.
Speaker 8: You weren't, so fuck fireboat. I have Eldritch blast.
Speaker 5: Yes you do.
Speaker 8: I'm gonna blast that burger.
Speaker 4: Okay, have it you away, motherfucker.
Speaker 9: Uh sixteen hits, give me some damage, just like a
real Burger king burger. This thing's gonna be all sorts.
Speaker 7: Of fun to wellthy petty special sauce let us pain.
Speaker 8: I love Burger King.
Speaker 9: I enjoyed him too. But they do not make well
constructed burger.
Speaker 5: No, but they're bacon. Their bacon eator was pretty fricking good.
Speaker 9: That Rodeo Burger kept me a while.
Speaker 5: College which which is the one that puts the fried
onion rings on it?
Speaker 9: That's the Rodeo Burger.
Speaker 5: Yeah, motherfucker has good.
Speaker 9: Came out with small soldiers as a fucking time.
Speaker 4: Oh that's a callback, it's a reach. Well, i'll allow it.
Speaker 5: With with with the ability granted to you by pink
readle tying a forced lightning force power shoots out, shoots
through the patty. The burger like ah recoils and it's
pain and it's holding its action for the moment.
Speaker 7: Move.
Speaker 5: You've got a giant col zone. What you're gonna do?
Speaker 7: So let me ask a quick question, are any of
these people at this table, at these tables in elf.
Speaker 5: I will repeat what I said earlier, way back when
I forgot you. I don't know if you remember, so
everything remotely didn't think so, So everybody, okay, everybody who's
like inside the circle, the bays of the chefs, right,
there's an enchantment on them, so you see what you
want to see. So if you want to see man
woman in big boob, little boob, no boom, dicks whatever, elf, dwarf.
So if you want to see nothing but elves working
behind these rings, you will see nothing but elves behind them. Okaying,
So as far as you're concerned, if that's what you
want to see, every single one of these stone circles
with a cook inside of it is.
Speaker 7: An elf, all right, then.
Speaker 5: That means that's what you want to see.
Speaker 7: Yeah, that's fine, don'tkay, okay, okay, I'll move around the
sky and I'll let them take an.
Speaker 5: Off attack, got it. Okay, So it's going to attempt
to try to crush you inside of its cal zone again.
So it's a D twenty plus eight. She's two, so
a ten missus badly yeap, not.
Speaker 4: To derail the tone, But is anyone else ever fantasized
about falling asleep in a giant calzone.
Speaker 5: Who has Jesus?
Speaker 7: All right, so, since over power's recharged and I want
to put a little distance between myself and this sky,
I will activate my boots of walking all over you.
And okay, since I need to target this elf, who's
who's in here?
Speaker 5: Yep, that's not a problem. So yeah, you launch? Are
you ready? Boots? You click your heels, You fly across
the map, drop kicking that elf in the face. Give me,
I use elfin air quotes.
Speaker 7: Only, not I.
Speaker 4: Dropped kidding that minimum wage service worker in the face.
Speaker 5: It's it's a nobody. They have armicle. Yeah, you hit them.
They're they're just a person. They're just a person hiring
a cruise ship their employee, you know who?
Speaker 7: No, no, that might not be an Okay, okay, we're
an employee.
Speaker 5: Well it's three damage. You didn't quite kill them yet.
Speaker 9: But you have burned my shrip motherfucker.
Speaker 5: Well, hang on, what's the average what's the average MPC half?
Speaker 7: It's three damage plus two, so it's five damage.
Speaker 5: Okay. Yeah, so you hit them so hard their heads
turning the wrong the other direction.
Speaker 4: Do you have any idea how how badly your life
has to go wrong in a light, in a world
of might and magic, when anyone can control godlike powers
to be a fucking bug, a flipper or on a
cruise ship. And you've just come along, just ended this
guy's day. So move fluid, minimum wagrift tips man.
Speaker 7: Moves, gonna look at at their corpse and be like, sir,
this is a Wendy's.
Speaker 5: So yeah, you at this lady lady uh in the face.
Her next snaps around, so you like you fly in
anime style across the jaw. The head is now shoulders
are shoulders and body facing one way, the head looking
one to eighty back where like now at you, where
you're now behind them, where you've cracked them. Corpse falls
over and you stand up and there are three people
waiting for their food in front of you.
Speaker 9: I feel like maybe this is an example of why
you don't pair the comic relief.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we've made a We've made a bad decision.
Speaker 9: It's like if rosen Krantz and Guilderstern we're carrying the
full plot of a Hamlet and also one yeah, almost.
Speaker 5: I have I've seen that movie and that's amazing.
Speaker 4: This is a apart two right, the Rosenkrantz Gilders Center
are dead, are amazing, all right?
Speaker 9: So, uh what's that when rosen Krantz and Guildenstern give head.
Speaker 5: Yeah exactly. Uh so Georgier, you're chasing uh at this
b ball burger with your balls out, but he's driven
a ball that he's gonna aim at your balls. So
he's gonna take a uh, he's gonna throw the.
Speaker 4: Basketball thing to say, quick, if you said that boom speed,
that was great. I'm gonna make that my ring tune.
Speaker 7: Can you do that?
Speaker 4: I'm impressed?
Speaker 5: Oh dude, okay, a twenty do rap his delight hip
I have it, no, godam it?
Speaker 9: All right?
Speaker 5: So people come uch the balls right now? Burner George
for giant basketball just slam with a twenty, A total twenty,
not a natural twenty anymore. God damn it. Oh he's
taking this, so I gotta.
Speaker 9: He gotta start with Bob. I think it's the moral.
Speaker 5: You know what he's taking. He's gonna wake up with
a basketball shot to the nuts. That's what happens.
Speaker 9: Like.
Speaker 5: I don't care who he is. He's all fell over.
Speaker 9: Fuck well on the plus, I were winning America's Funniest
Till video.
Speaker 5: Same first sent so, uh, Matt demon and justin time
see the let's the cal zone. As it starts approach,
it's like it's looking for mood He doesn't see moods.
And now I was just gonna start this direction. So it's
going to attempt to engulf just in time and the
elf priests and ingest them. Let's see what happens before
a still a ted everybody miss it. Well, just the
time gets out of the way. This random actual elf
lady I missed. Uh yeah, so uh the poor veggie
pizza and gulfs and veggie pizza and anybody ever watched
The Beast Master when you were a kid and it
star you. But so when those the whatever reason he's
you know those people that are like this bird like
guys that wrapped their arms on it and engulfed them
with acid and they yeah that, but but so their ball,
their their bones fall out to like pesto, aoli sauce,
goat cheese and.
Speaker 9: Uh, you know, drop, did we do Beast Master on
at the movies? I feel like we did.
Speaker 4: We did? You should have remember the cal's I would know,
but you know, I was pretty.
Speaker 9: Talked about how many ferrets we estimated they went through.
Speaker 7: Moga is conflicted now because this this this monster just
killed an elf.
Speaker 5: There was a problem like that is like you hit
the one elf in the corn I did miss. There
wasn't elt there. Technically there was one, but as far
as you were just on their elves everywhere, so you
just took hit the one far away. But yeah, that
that that vegie he's had just literally melted an elf.
This poor lady is now a pile of lactose and goo,
so I'll put her.
Speaker 9: So how exactly did the veggie pizza monster join the party?
Speaker 5: Well, no, fuck you, if you will let hands away,
you ain't.
Speaker 7: Veg you pizza better than hands of.
Speaker 9: You know what, because the vege pizza doesn't talk.
Speaker 5: Pineapple all right, So just let Bevin know uh because
he is. I saw him pop back in there. So,
mister bob uh, the basketball burger threw a ball like
a ball, throw a ball of balls and hit you
for hit you an arm because of twenty I assume
you cannot not do anything about taking a testical shot
of twenty AC all right, So I'm gonna roll some
teskel damage.
Speaker 4: I wonder if dn D World has kind of news reports,
because it would just be like entirely normal scenes Applebee's today.
Speaker 5: All right, so you just took you just took eight
points of testical damage. You know, do you think you
have the constitution to stay standing? Or would you crumple?
Speaker 8: Well? I mean I think I crumpled just looking at
move last turn, So I guess I'll crumple.
Speaker 5: Okay, so you crumpled down. So that's we're gonna leave you, guys.
We're gonna hop back over to pull and piss. All right.
Speaker 9: But the name of this water park it's kind of
wearing its head on.
Speaker 8: The sleep well.
Speaker 5: It was Wet Dreams with a Z because it was cool.
Speaker 9: So, uh, you know what pulling piss is better.
Speaker 6: I'm definitely buying a Souvenior Advisor.
Speaker 5: Oh God, like I had that lime green one.
Speaker 7: Yeah you are.
Speaker 4: You should have done that before going into combat. And
Mike gets you.
Speaker 5: You're in the right place, just pissed.
Speaker 6: Just then they come out with like red eyes. How
big am I compared to this thing? Because I really
want to pick it up?
Speaker 5: Uh, you are at ten feet? It is at fifteen feet. No,
it's at twenty foot. You are half its size.
Speaker 6: Oh dang, I wanted to fight.
Speaker 5: It's so you can't pick it up. It's just gonna
be harder. You can give it a shot, okay, Yeah,
I do want to try, so you're gonna okay. So
basically it's pool rules. So you're just you're trying to
do a classic pool belly to back soup lex. Yeah,
you get around the ways you're trying to slam. Okay,
I get it, So give me, uh, give me a
grapple check. So give me an athletics.
Speaker 6: Roll at politics.
Speaker 5: Twenty two is good God damn. So it's higher than
it's ac it's going to try now, it's good to
try to wrap. It's going to try to do an
athletics or acrobatics to get around you. But it has
ship for acrobatics. This see what happens here? You beat it.
It has a plus eight, so it rolled a twenty.
You got a twenty two. So you have managed to
grapple this thing. You're trying to flip it over backwards
and dunk it correct.
Speaker 6: Yeah, or actually push it more towards the shore.
Speaker 5: Okay, so you're trying to bring it this direction. Yeah, hey, they.
Speaker 4: Said, belly to back soup plex and that's like right
over onto the beach, right it is, well that have
that pool fucker is.
Speaker 6: Sitting there.
Speaker 7: This merchant Emily was jealous that I killed it innocent bystanders, So.
Speaker 5: Actually you did. Okay, it is technically gargantuan sized creature.
So you just many hundreds thousands of gallons of chlorinum
piss onto this these poor Yeah, they're dead. I'm not
even gonna roll for it, and they're just dead. It's
gonna take more than five HP and you yourself are
gonna take.
Speaker 9: Look, the loss of human life is always tragic, But
in fairness, these people put their towels down on these
chairs at like six am and then didn't get.
Speaker 6: Back, and they're not watching their dead kids anymore.
Speaker 9: So like maybe maybe not. The worst loss in the war.
Speaker 4: Cool for evacuation came way before you guys got there.
But they're like, no, I put my towel here, motherfucker.
Speaker 9: I paid for my drink. I'm waiting for it to
get God, do you have delivered. They're gonna keep put
it on my tab, you know they're gonna put my
fucking tab.
Speaker 6: Oh God give you it's Claudia the Murder Bear, not Emily.
Speaker 5: I'm sorry that the lines start to blur, my friend,
you're actually in my phone as Emily the murder Bear
at my bat so. Uh So, Claudia the murder Bear
raps a koala claus around this chlor and pissed column
up over backwards pro pro wrestling style smashes onto the
to the to the sand steaming does lose size now
because it's away from its water. It actually comes down
about half the size that it was, so it's on
par with you. But the initial hit kills at least two,
uh two partygoers.
Speaker 6: And you said I took three three points, Yes.
Speaker 5: You took three points of the chlorine and urine damage.
Speaker 6: Okay, imagine a huge scream too.
Speaker 5: Oh for me or you me victory? What did it
sound like? Give me, give me an example.
Speaker 6: I can't. I'm laughing now, Okay, nice, All right.
Speaker 5: Drew, what do you wanna do?
Speaker 9: Uh?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 9: First things first, I am going to be casting uh
care wounds on myself because not looking great? Okay, uh so,
Cobert will summon forth the healing magic, perhaps from the
greater spirit realm, perhaps from nature around, perhaps from the
ambient energy. Uh you know linger rang nearby, which would
be the souls of the dead. Shouldern say where magic
comes from? But either way, he gets twenty three hit
points back.
Speaker 5: Love it are you still standing on kids' heads as
they are under the water.
Speaker 9: I am standing on water, thank you with my water
walking skill.
Speaker 5: Okay, fair enough. I don't you just push the kids down.
Speaker 9: Let's that one burned my action, so we will use
my bonus to direct my wind monster to go get
some vengeance. Okay, it will go slashy, slashy and then
fly up out of rangey rangey.
Speaker 5: Okay, uh, that's a natural twenty two. So we get
another D eight in there.
Speaker 9: Yeah, one dight so seven damage it was.
Speaker 5: Here's the thing she already took out half more than
half of with that slam, the amount of damage she
did to it, and that basically staying on the hot
hot thing, this chloropis monster evaporates. The worst part is
most don't even realize their kid's dead. They're dead. They're
just going about. They're like they're like, like, that's nice, honey,
was a pizza papas should be here soon?
Speaker 8: You know?
Speaker 9: So I've envisioning like like a battle cleared screen of
us like twirling our weapons, like just in the background,
or all these dead corpses, some of them children.
Speaker 5: The wailing of the anguish if you do have time
now to if you want to do some like you know,
there's rock diving at the top. Left, there's this obviously
there's still the slides, so you motherfucker.
Speaker 9: Yeah, very very straightforward on that one.
Speaker 5: All right, gond it, we'll come back to you hard work.
Speaking of earning it, like I want to hear about this, uh,
this great novella that stands written in the last six seconds.
Speaker 4: Or it's more of a free flowing pro very emo,
very dark. My I am trying to get this creature
to kill itself, okay, okay, if it tries to protest
into a sound effect, I imagine it will be one
for eternal self directed anguish. That's what I'm going for.
Speaker 6: And it's going to be called Everyone you Love will
be Eaten by Wolves.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I'm coming from experience here, and yeah I want to
go and kind of Michael Jordan that into its mouth
if I can.
Speaker 5: All right, So from where you're at now, it's on
the other side of a bookshelves, you know, rough the
what direction it's at, but you can't see it from
where you're standing, so you got to move to find it.
Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, how much is that? That's like fairy fee?
Speaker 8: Right?
Speaker 5: Well yeah, I mean it's like you've got you've got that.
You've also have like you know, your dash action as
your bonus action, so you can the cutting actions so
you can get to it.
Speaker 7: Not a problem.
Speaker 4: And I'm being sneaky.
Speaker 5: All right, are you trying to sneak up on or
do you wanted to face you so you can you
can make it eat the book?
Speaker 4: Well, I can make it eat something from behind?
Speaker 7: Oh do tell.
Speaker 4: I can just can just reach around to fishirt. Okay,
we're all fucking grown ups here, Gabby. We all know
about the fish shirt. Come on, yeah we do.
Speaker 5: You know what the fish shook. So okay, you're gonna
try to fish hook this this this uh uh, the
pamphlet idea of manifesto a book? What are this literature
into its mouth?
Speaker 4: It is just an incredibly emo free throwing close.
Speaker 5: Okay, So then I would like a sleight of hand
roll because you're trying to like sneak it into his mouth.
Speaker 4: Like medicine for a dog wrinkled knuckles. Don't fail me.
Speaker 5: Now, four, easily done. You just gotta like whoop, put
that dumb right around. It doesn't even like it's just
looking around for whatever. You sneak up on it and
uh yeah, shove it right into its mouth. So would
you care to give us some example of the pros
that happens to be in this or in just theater,
the theater of the mind.
Speaker 4: Oh well, they can fill in the blank, something along
the lines of, you know, war is inevitable when you
will enter your twilight, sands is sans eyes, sense taste,
and the weight of those forgotten will sit in your
heart like jagged rocks, and all that waits you is oblivion,
and you will be forgotten, forgotten, forgotten.
Speaker 5: Okay Jesus right, okay, So what I would like is
a performance role plus a h let me see here,
I'm trying to do this rightly. Start with Give me
a performance role with admit, with.
Speaker 4: Advant I have a bodic inspiration on that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so you can add that to your to yourself,
that's a plus two, a plus eight or whatever it is.
So to me, first, to me a performance role with advantage, okay, Okay,
so you can add on it. Plus might gonna give
yourself the bartic inspiration on top of that.
Speaker 4: So yeah, eleven, yep, fifteen, So there are in six.
Speaker 5: Minutes, right, and now I also want a h what
is your okay? So what what's your spellcrafting modifier? Charisma?
Speaker 4: Oh? Charisma?
Speaker 5: Yeah, give me a crime that right? No, but no,
because it's it's is it? But that's what you use,
right or or I forget what kind.
Speaker 7: Of magic you use?
Speaker 4: So yeah, charisma?
Speaker 5: Okay, so it gets room. Give me a chrismal roll
as well?
Speaker 4: Good blue? Oh the then what good black seventeen? Okay? Uh?
Speaker 5: You slowly watch this mimic. It takes a few steps
towards the down bodies this thought goblin. It kind of
goes what watch watch wash the point? Yeah, watched the
point and it uh yeah it uh, let me see it.
It looks at you, It comes up to you like
I don't ununderstand, and puts its tongue around you and
starts to think like and it starts to shrink down.
And it shrinks down and it shrinks down, and it
gets smaller and it gets smaller and it gets smaller
to basically where it is the size of a mouse.
It's it's but it's as it's done that like ink
is leaking out of it, like blood, like it's the
like it's against purging itself of all of all ink,
all thoughts, like there's no there's no reason to even
be Why even keep this in my head? Why even
have these knowledges books? That's anything? But if it's just
entry's gonna take it regardless. So, uh, Stan, you were
staying out standing over a mouse sized thought goblin?
Speaker 4: Well, where is despair? There is also hope and mercy.
Is there any way I can sort of capture this
and make it my eternal servant. You have a hat, Yeah,
I'll put it on my hat, all right. Sometimes you
have to carry the darkness.
Speaker 5: There is a just for your inventory, just your scale,
demonic thought goblin.
Speaker 4: So I'm wearing a wig. He can nestle in the wig.
Speaker 5: So yeah, you feel kind of accomplished as you look
around at seeing like at least seven bodies laying on
the ground and grassy. No may or may not beyond
of the tonys a party may or may not be
on fire in the bottom right hand corner of the room.
I don't know what you want to do about that,
But we'll come back to that. Uh, Moog, how you doing.
Speaker 7: Bud doing pretty good? Killed an elf?
Speaker 5: Yeah you did.
Speaker 9: If Moog does, he does happy. Yeah.
Speaker 7: If he dies killed an elf, watch another elf get dissolved.
All right.
Speaker 5: So you're standing there and there are three people hungry
and there's a dead there's a dead cook who flickers
in and out of being. It's like, now that you
look at back out of the magic, the person's not
on them anymore, so it's not really an elf anymore.
Now it's just some human lady. But uh, there's still
a hundred three hundred people waiting for their food, so.
Speaker 7: Yes, very sad get the cooking man Moog knows that
there's a lot of people between pizza and him, so
moves a hunker down so he's below like, you know,
so he's out of sight. And what he'll do is
he'll prop the dead chef up and just have and
just have them moving around the like, you know, just
move around this.
Speaker 9: Can you weekend the sport fucking chef?
Speaker 7: Yes?
Speaker 4: All right?
Speaker 5: So first thing, I got any two roles, one an
athletics role, to see how well you're holding this person
up to I won a performance role.
Speaker 7: Okay, let's see athletics.
Speaker 5: Like I guess said, it's like if you're just trying
to blend in, so athletics is just king you. You're
just holding this this person up. So twenty three perfect,
like not a problem. So this is this is your
puppet to do it, and I'll see how well you're
you're doing this puppet?
Speaker 8: All right?
Speaker 7: Performance eighteen?
Speaker 5: What dead body that that Veggie Peach's got other thing
that cal Zones got other things to worry about them,
that idiot there, they're there, they've got that. You've got
the innocent party to fuck with.
Speaker 7: This dead body is doing some Benny Hanna shit here
you know it is.
Speaker 5: And again the people that your tape are like, this
is the best show I've been on this here for
like this my third time on the Widdie. This is
the best show. It gets better every year. Have you
been to the fuck pile yet? That wait for the
fuck pile.
Speaker 4: Prop in the dead guy's mouth and say, Calzone isn't
real pets?
Speaker 7: Oh no, who's going to do something similar because he's
going to be like, oh no, it's shame a totally
innocent party hate vegetarian pizza.
Speaker 5: Okay, I love it, so give me, give me with
that one that give you a persuasion role, only a four.
That one doesn't, that doesn't quite get it. The veggie
peach is also kind of dump so it's just kind
of running around. So we'll come back to those guys.
In the second, Joseph, you are in a lot of
testicular pain and the b ball burger is laughing at
you as the ball bounce off your balls back to
his hands. So he's got his weapon back. What do
you want to do?
Speaker 8: It is time to penetrate some buns.
Speaker 5: That's what I'm waiting for.
Speaker 7: You've just been waiting an hour to use that line.
Speaker 4: Yes, so I'm glad you're back, buddy.
Speaker 8: All right, I would like to just dive straight into
the burger if I can.
Speaker 5: Oh God, yes, one thousand percent. Yes, Uh, you're just
diving in.
Speaker 8: I want to be inside it.
Speaker 5: And what do you want to do about you're inside?
That's not a problem. It's meat. It is just it's
an open bun that's got eyes and it's walking and talking,
so you can slide right inside that meat.
Speaker 4: It feels like one of those badly prompted AI videos.
Speaker 8: Yeah all right, well naturally I'm going to take some bites.
But uh while I do that, I will cast arms
of hadah.
Speaker 5: Oh okay, okay, uh so you grab you uh okay.
The Eldridge invocation where you now summon like basic black
tentacles from another realm yep sphere.
Speaker 4: When we say never realm, do we mean never regents.
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly are the exactly it's it's it's an asshole.
Speaker 8: Yeah, it's uh, at least one is coming from my buttle.
Speaker 5: One's always coming from your buttle. But you are inside
this monsters. When I see you inside this burder, the
tentacles coming from inside out, and I'm assuming you're just
kind of like pulling this thing apart while you're eating it. Yes,
all right, so I you know what, for the sake
of brevity in this thing, I love this too much
to let it go. So yeah, you you deal enough
necrotic damage because you hit it before with your Elder's blast,
which you created a hole in it, crawled inside that
hole cash or spell. You're now inside of it while
you're eating it. The tentacles are whipping all around.
Speaker 8: I am making I'm probably fucking it as well.
Speaker 5: Oh I was, yeah, that's not mayonnaise, not.
Speaker 8: The part that I'm eating.
Speaker 7: Thanks for clarifying.
Speaker 5: Don't ruin my dream. You don't get to tell me
how to trick off. So, yeah, you are inside the creature.
You are tentacles around the creature. The creature eventually falls
apart from the inside out as you were eating it,
fucking it, and poor Richard of the Bard was slapped
to death by some kind of wiggling necrotic tentacles. Whether
or not they make it, it's unclear, but as of
right now, rasharded the bar sticking days are open.
Speaker 4: So hardy dude, slight Drew was saying earlier, you know,
Burgie King, if it doesn't hold together, well a neiva
apparently he does. For shout out to bad God bless you,
was shout the bad.
Speaker 8: I did have it my way.
Speaker 5: The veggie peach is not going to turn on just
just again. It's around here, so it's going to it's
going to attempt to uh, it's going to attempt to
jump on Matt demon and this cook here and this
sim engulf them. So let's see what happens to you.
Twenty plus eight God damn it. Fourteen Matt demon gets away,
rolls over the fire. But this poor cook once again
dissolved acidic and as far as Moo concerned, it looked
like an elf. It wasn't. But as far as Moough
is concerned, that was an elf. So today is a
good day, and we would jump back over to the
leisureness of the pool.
Speaker 6: I think I'm back to Claudia now.
Speaker 5: Uh, you have to, you have to. It depends if
you're attacking something every round you get to stay. If
you're not attacking or being attacked.
Speaker 6: She's probably ready for a juice box.
Speaker 5: Okay, who's got some orange slices? Okay. So Claudia, you're
standing back in that water, and as you stand in
the water, layers and layers and layers of grime are
now washing away. You are the cleanest you've been in
a long time.
Speaker 4: Everybody by the pool is like sniff, sniff, It's just
what it's like without pitsing it.
Speaker 6: She's probably gonna do like an aerial hair flip thingy and.
Speaker 5: You lose you lose your you lose your bear matte
head and it lands on some kid instead.
Speaker 6: So clean slate, he did it.
Speaker 5: Some people are looking around, like, no, there's some of
the some of the parents are actually starting to look
up and realize that their kids are either dead or missing,
or maybe they're just over there. They look they're looking
around for them. A couple of people that we're looking
for their kids are actually dead now, so there's a
little bit of confusion going on. Jackman's like that was awesome.
No one paying attention over here. There was a mom
so we stopped them all sudes, and he's trying to
like song and dance his way around. He's actually kicking
some dirt and some sand onto Andy Corpse's to try
to He's trying to help you guys out, and so
it's page Turner.
Speaker 4: I assume he's doing that in a very coordinated way, right.
Speaker 7: He's like, well, I could to stand here and watch
the piss field course for it that kinting her voice
fill out under the duck.
Speaker 5: Well, so while he's decreating a distraction they've done in
the past, Page Turner's breaking out some diamonds and is
trying to do revivify to bring good enough time. She
manages to get back this guy, and then she moved
on to the next call. Trying to do gibb. He
was the worst guy that particular, the merchant okay, sorry.
Speaker 6: The English guy.
Speaker 4: He was definitely the guy I was doking about.
Speaker 6: Uh okay, the real question is is there a line
for the slide?
Speaker 5: Not anymore? I mean the kids. I mean, here's like
you can push kids out of the way.
Speaker 9: I'm already on my way, man, I never stopped going
for the slide.
Speaker 5: Put your guys at the top of the slides so
you can go to the top of the slide, or again,
you can crawl over here towards the rocks and do
you like ocapo with diving. That's about There's a fifty
foot jump, a sixty foot jump, one hundred foot jump,
or you can down the water.
Speaker 6: Slides slide please slide.
Speaker 5: Same Okay, so you guys want to race, hang on,
I'm going.
Speaker 9: To be wild shaping into something that's a little more
slide fred like.
Speaker 5: Okay, okay, man, that's not fair, but okay, I.
Speaker 9: Will be shape shifting into a Oh let's have fun
with it. I'll be a crocodile.
Speaker 7: Okay, what's gonna love that?
Speaker 5: Exactly?
Speaker 8: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Thank god?
Speaker 7: The evil is good.
Speaker 5: Oh shit. Okay, So as everybody knows when you do.
When you do a water slide race, you have to
like he heals down arc you're back and you know,
losee this thing. So I need uh, I'm trying to
think the best way to do this, like either athletics
or acrobatics roles, whichever you feel more comfortable with. You're
trying to do your best slide arc for speed. So
between Emily and Cabert, Okay.
Speaker 9: I will do acrobatics. Give me before I start going
down on the slide. Yeah, what would you like me
to roll as an alligator to try and flip over
and go down this on my back?
Speaker 5: Oh? Well, here's the thing. Your water walk spell is
still in effect, so as you go to arc your back,
you're not sinking into the water. You're actually on top
of the water and you actually start to bounce off
the pipe. So there's a very good change. You're going
to come down mouth first into a kid regardless which
you're pready realized by the third turn of the pipes.
Speaker 9: I will take a bonus action to pass from the
surface into the liquid itself as the water walk spell allows.
Speaker 5: Fair enough, Okay, but now what do you want me
to roll?
Speaker 9: So I can flip on my back.
Speaker 5: Uh, that's pure athletics.
Speaker 9: Roll because I think an alligator going down tail first
with its feet in the air is very funny.
Speaker 5: Oh, you can start that way. You go down like
an otter. You can go down butt first.
Speaker 9: Yeah, that's what I want to do.
Speaker 5: Now, you can start that way. Here's you can start
a bear. Put your hands on the tube and as
you slide into cast a wild shape as you go
in tail first, butt first, on your back as the crocodile.
Speaker 9: Yeah, let's not question the physics of the centaur getting
on its back in the tube of water. Right, let's
just go with it all.
Speaker 4: We're ignoring physics. Can the crocodile have sunglasses on? Please?
Speaker 3: Yeah?
Speaker 5: You guys, okay, so give me your athletics.
Speaker 9: Okay, elecrobatics eleven for the race.
Speaker 5: Claudia got the sixteen. So for the first leg, for
the first turn out of the three turns, you know,
Claudia is definitely in the league. Give me another one.
Speaker 6: Oh, okay, here are you?
Speaker 9: Oh oh oh.
Speaker 5: His crocodile for me? You are guys, are neck and neck?
Give me for the third turn more time, neck and tail,
neck and tail, Oh, Claudia with a twelve over your five.
As you're going to come out the pipe, Claudia is
the first one to hit the back pile of kids, who,
like the guys, were just letting kids go down this
entire time. So like there's a clog of kids that
you slam into and you you like like a backed
up plumbing, you push a few kids for But now
you are now stuck in this pipe which is starting
to fill up thanks to kids, clog and water. Cobert
you come in shortly thereafter, So you guys are roughly
Carbert you're in the gold one inside. Claudia you are
in the silver one inside. You guys are next to
each other. You can hear the screaming from your respective
pipes inside the tub, which is now filling with the
water and screaming kids.
Speaker 6: Nothing to do but kick?
Speaker 4: I guess yep.
Speaker 9: How how tightly packed are there?
Speaker 7: Like?
Speaker 9: Is is there daylight? Can I see that kid?
Speaker 5: There's enough? It's like here's like it's only you're only
about fifteen feet away. Before you know, they're at the
bottom down here. But a lot of these kids are
coming down. The guy wasn't paying attention because of the
color pispmasor kids were just going down. There wasn't getting time,
so there's a bit of a backlog. So it's it's
it's like a leaking dam of light.
Speaker 9: You could probably punch your way through these children, or
I can just missy step okay. I will use my
free misty step once a day from my feet, okay,
and teleport directly kind of above and kind of past
where the lumps of kids are.
Speaker 8: You're a crocodile, you can these kids.
Speaker 9: I could, but I'm not a villain, So I'm gonna
be out and splash down into the water.
Speaker 5: Kids starts screaming crack, oh my god, and they started
running away. The monster didn't bother of the crocodile. All
kids have an eh fear. And now this guy sees
his kid who's paying attention, runs up and starts punching
the crocodle.
Speaker 9: Uh No, the crocodile goes under the water when it
splashes down and doesn't surface because it's a fucking crocodile.
Speaker 5: Now every're more scared. So that's where they're at, Claudia.
You hear the screams for someone like crocodile.
Speaker 9: My kids, Uh so now Claudia, you know I.
Speaker 5: Won, and now we will jump back over to our friend.
Speaker 9: Hey, guys, I gotta step dude. Yeah, all right, by.
Speaker 5: And back in the library, which is still technically on fire.
Stand you, the portal's now back. Hope you can leave
the library whenever you see fit. There are people that
are downed and the library is on fire.
Speaker 4: Okay, down but not dead, I guess. So I will
go into is that grassing old guy unconscious? Is he
near flame?
Speaker 5: I'm putting some fire up on them just down here,
so like this tire section is starting to get that's
where the fire has been burning, so it's getting worse.
Speaker 4: All right, Well, he's probably the only guy who can
sort of help me with the evacuation here, so I'll
cast my healing word on him.
Speaker 5: They get up, so you move. I'll move you over
here so you actually see them. So yeah, cast healing word.
Speaker 4: Oh I thought they were I thought they were hanging
lamps for some reason. No, these are really fancy lighting
all right, Okay, cool, okay.
Speaker 5: There is there's landing on top of them. Are these fancy?
Speaker 4: Very tasteful either way? Yeah? I enjoyed it. Yeah, so
healing word and that guy. I assume it doesn't matter
how many.
Speaker 5: There's a lot of smoke down there, and it's like
a lot of coffin. It's like again, this fire is
slowly starting to grow.
Speaker 4: I've saved today. Don't ask cow. It's depressing, but we
need to get people out of here.
Speaker 5: What happened to the master?
Speaker 4: Ah, you don't have to worry about it. I mean
you do have to worry about the fire. It's right
by you. It's prioritized.
Speaker 5: Chop chop, seize the fire, freaks out, panics, turns into
a burden, flies into the portal and flies away.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, second rate.
Speaker 5: Because there are there. Yeah, and just do the you know,
flyer to the thing.
Speaker 4: So all right, well, I guess it's up to me too.
Speaker 5: Again over your bracelets. You hear stand everybody here stand
talk about grass you know, and fire. You stand. You
hear everybody else about racist crocodiles, pizza balls, testicle arms
of bitar dead elves.
Speaker 4: Said that all sounds delightful, and you'll but you you'll
sound like you're having a wonderful time. But I needed
to stop fucking a hamburger. Get to the library right now.
It's on fire. We got to rescue some people. One
of them is a cat. If that helps, I don't know.
There's a chef in the back moving moving with jerky
move mentally.
Speaker 5: And I think that's with people dying actually a chance
to do something heroic and saving people and a cat.
I think that's where we're gonna leave this episode of
The Dicey Bassards.
Speaker 4: Kippie, We've had plenty of chat says to do something heroic,
we just haven't done it.
Speaker 5: I know, I believe you're on a cliffhicker. Maybe it
don't happen next time. Probably not, but at least the
Schrodegger's heroics, like until we find out you either have
or have it all right, so on behalf of Steve,
whether Emily Kaplan, Drew Hayesh has left is Robert Bevan,
Rick Wolterio, I'm MK Gibson. We're the Dicey Bastards and
you've been great. We'll catch you all next time. Bye,
everybody by.
Speaker 4: You've been listening to Dicey Bastards Cats see if Orphas
and Dragons. Check us out at Orphans and Dragons dot com.
Look up our Patreon if you want to supporters get
secret content and hang out on our discord. Music by
the Golf Cold Fall.
Speaker 8: I guess I'll crumple mh