WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:05.960 I unlocked the door with my elbow, arms full of 2 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.480 a greasy paper back in the condensation where tray from 3 00:00:08.480 --> 00:00:10.919 the bobo shop next door. The air in the living 4 00:00:10.960 --> 00:00:13.119 room was shop with the faint, lingering scent of onions, 5 00:00:13.119 --> 00:00:15.039 and timed the perfume of Ethan's life at the restaurant 6 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:19.359 hunder late tonight by something sweeter, something not mine. My 7 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:22.199 shoes squeaked against wood, and I said, E I got 8 00:00:22.199 --> 00:00:24.719 extra dumplings out of habit, expecting him to answer from 9 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:28.960 the kitchen's batchel in hand was brought dramatically across the couch, silence, 10 00:00:29.719 --> 00:00:32.159 only the software of our air purifire in the dolbos 11 00:00:32.200 --> 00:00:34.920 of a phone set to vibrate. I balanced the takeout 12 00:00:34.920 --> 00:00:38.000 on the dining table. My stomach tied. Three years ago, 13 00:00:38.159 --> 00:00:39.759 if you told me I could walk into our place 14 00:00:39.799 --> 00:00:42.119 and not see Ethan, I wouldn't have believed you. He 15 00:00:42.200 --> 00:00:44.600 worked what felt like impossible. I was even then between 16 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.920 catering gigs and early mornings at a bakery. But his 17 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:49.840 presence was knitted into every shadowy worn house slippers, the 18 00:00:49.840 --> 00:00:51.640 slack cooodie on the stair rail, the breath of his 19 00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:54.399 laughter echoing from playlist did spotify hits by the knife rack. 20 00:00:55.159 --> 00:00:57.000 Now sometimes I've walk in and it's as if he 21 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.119 was never here tonight. The only evidence is he his 22 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.159 chess coat tossed over the back of a bostel, or 23 00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:04.680 wrinkled streak of something creamy across the lapel. And when 24 00:01:04.680 --> 00:01:07.280 I leaned in, arms cross half scowling the sweet and 25 00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:09.920 familiar po with him clinging to the fabric apple and 26 00:01:09.959 --> 00:01:12.640 gardenia and a freesol of undertones not in our vocabulary 27 00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:15.159 of sense, I let it hang, moved the coat to 28 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:17.040 a hook with a smell wouldn't taunt me, and set 29 00:01:17.079 --> 00:01:19.840 out two pairs of chopsticks. Anyway, I used to love 30 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:22.959 waiting for him after I closed a successful client pitch, 31 00:01:23.120 --> 00:01:25.439 sold new retainers, or held my ground in a meeting. 32 00:01:25.599 --> 00:01:28.040 There was something grinding about coming home, opening a bottle 33 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:30.439 of whatever trader Joe's rod whig grat, and feeding him 34 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:33.040 Kate or Romin while he grinned his warm cring the eyechron. 35 00:01:33.640 --> 00:01:35.640 It didn't matter that his hours were brutal. We made 36 00:01:35.640 --> 00:01:38.280 space for each other's natching joy between waves of exhaustion, 37 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:40.200 a kind of soft pack, not to let the world 38 00:01:40.200 --> 00:01:42.519 outside mound all the inside of our tiny rented apartment 39 00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:45.200 to night. I let my laptops stay zipped up, ate 40 00:01:45.239 --> 00:01:48.560 half the dumplings, and checked my phone twice nowhere. It 41 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:51.159 was almost nine when Ethan's phone, balanced on the window 42 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:53.920 sillway sometimes forgot it busted ludly enough to jolt me 43 00:01:54.680 --> 00:01:56.920 just a flash. The text preview labeled only A with 44 00:01:56.920 --> 00:01:59.239 a winking emoji and an inside joke about their butter. 45 00:01:59.879 --> 00:02:01.879 I I bit the inside of my cheek. I had 46 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:04.560 always told myself I wouldn't be that partner, the suspicious one, 47 00:02:04.640 --> 00:02:07.319 the snoop. I slid the phone onto the kitchen counter, 48 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:09.560 ignored the urge to read further, and filled a cup 49 00:02:09.560 --> 00:02:12.520 with setzo to buy myself time. At half past eleven, 50 00:02:12.639 --> 00:02:15.039 two hours after I'd reheated leftovers and tried to fill 51 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:18.280 the apartment with distraction podcasts, A wordless stroll through Instagram 52 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.960 passed pictures of restaurant launches and old travel collages. He 53 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:24.319 finally answered my text, Rantley test kitchen stress City, I'm sorry, 54 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:27.639 love you, no punctuation, as if the words themselves were 55 00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:30.400 apologizing for having to be brief. I lay in bed, 56 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:32.960 lights off, listening to the quivering gears of the ancient 57 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:35.120 heat registers. I tried to tell myself this was what 58 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:38.199 ambition cost. That I had always known marrying a chef 59 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:41.439 meant long nights, That attire distracted husband was not an 60 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:45.120 unusual thing. Still pressed into the sheets, I let the 61 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:47.120 moon at rectangle on the ceiling flicker with all the 62 00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:49.800 little shadows of doubt, and I tried fiercely try to 63 00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:51.759 smother the ugly voice in my head, counting the ways 64 00:02:51.800 --> 00:02:55.479 our rituals had slipped, dumplings cold on the table. His 65 00:02:55.560 --> 00:02:59.039 phone lit up by another name, perfume, not mine. Was 66 00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:01.520 I just hungry to believe the worst? Or was something 67 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:04.680 quietly fracturing too slow to see all at once? In 68 00:03:04.759 --> 00:03:07.639 the morning, while brushing my teeth, I scolded my own nerves. 69 00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:10.879 I showed up to life in full armer and marketing consultant, 70 00:03:10.879 --> 00:03:14.080 accustomed to pitch meetings and ringing clarity from chaos. My 71 00:03:14.159 --> 00:03:16.360 own mother told me this made me intimidating. When I 72 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:19.400 was younger, it was useful, even comforting, that Ethan and 73 00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.000 I could count on each other at breakfast, by which 74 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:23.719 I mean the cup of coffee I made while is 75 00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.560 Snatch's duffel has squeezed my wrist and apology, laughing lightly, 76 00:03:26.599 --> 00:03:30.639 promising a real dinner soon. You're being paranoid, I ordered myself. 77 00:03:31.319 --> 00:03:34.599 You're not urn secure twenty five year old self policing passwords. 78 00:03:35.240 --> 00:03:37.159 But the truth is I always wanted to believe trust 79 00:03:37.240 --> 00:03:40.000 was something you could choose. When you start to question that, 80 00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:42.159 it feels like the floor beneath your own feet cracking, 81 00:03:42.199 --> 00:03:45.319 a silent little splinter you can't stop leaning against. It's 82 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:47.919 so easy, in hindsight to tell a story in reverse, 83 00:03:47.960 --> 00:03:50.120 point to the moment things shifted, the warning sign you 84 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:52.039 should have seen, or the night the air changed forever. 85 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:55.280 But that is in how real life works. Ethan and 86 00:03:55.319 --> 00:03:57.039 I grew from a mess of late night texts, too 87 00:03:57.039 --> 00:03:59.759 many shed desserts, and one drunken afternoon at the Taste 88 00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:02.680 on Me food festival. He spilled cider on my shoes 89 00:04:02.680 --> 00:04:04.759 and apologize so sweetly that the group of friends I'd 90 00:04:04.759 --> 00:04:07.800 shown up with instantly liked him. I remember teasing him 91 00:04:07.800 --> 00:04:11.120 about his mustache and pretending to know nothing about combats, trends, 92 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:13.280 us orbiting each other through the crowd with that subtle 93 00:04:13.319 --> 00:04:16.120 awareness who get when timing is almost right. He gave 94 00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:18.040 me his number written on a napkin, and when I 95 00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:20.160 called him the next day, he answered on the first ring. 96 00:04:20.759 --> 00:04:23.079 Later he told me he'd been hoping for a second chance, 97 00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:27.519 that he checked his phone four times an hour. Charming, hopeful, 98 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:30.399 not the kind of man who made you feel second best. 99 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:33.399 When we first moved in together, it was chaos, Eason 100 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:35.879 and his knives, heart and cook worse spice tins hoarded 101 00:04:35.879 --> 00:04:38.399 from a Turkish coworker, Me with my two neat bookshelves, 102 00:04:38.399 --> 00:04:40.759 color coated socks, and the plants are worried over like 103 00:04:40.800 --> 00:04:45.639 small pets. Somehow it worked. We found routines Sunday mornings, 104 00:04:45.639 --> 00:04:48.000 picking up fresh bread and pastries from alos sitting on 105 00:04:48.040 --> 00:04:50.240 the street, and pajamas well he could keep cross alumination, 106 00:04:50.360 --> 00:04:52.920 and I made up elaborate stories about our neighbor's dogs. 107 00:04:53.519 --> 00:04:56.480 Friday nights became our sanctuary, Netflix trash take out from 108 00:04:56.519 --> 00:04:58.920 every cheap place on our block. We had what we 109 00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.000 called our no secrets for and agreement to bring up 110 00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:03.600 the hard stuff even if it's done. It held as 111 00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:06.319 steady through little storms like the tiny line Cook started 112 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:08.560 sending ethan word means at midnight, or when I started 113 00:05:08.639 --> 00:05:11.000 dreading my bosses emails and Withdrew for weeks at a time. 114 00:05:11.560 --> 00:05:14.560 There was this one night before Ethan opened Hath his restaurant, Baby, 115 00:05:14.600 --> 00:05:16.920 our mutual gamble that set what I believed our relationship 116 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:19.759 could survive. I could see him sweating over a miserable 117 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:22.120 funding call, wringing his wrists as he muttered about being 118 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:25.279 an imposter chef. HEO would let us down instead of pretending. 119 00:05:25.319 --> 00:05:27.920 He admitted that another chef at all sarcastic guy from 120 00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:30.000 Portland had flirted with him, and he hadn't shut it 121 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:32.600 down as quickly as he should have. My ears burned, 122 00:05:32.600 --> 00:05:35.199 but I didn't run. It made us stronger, I thought. 123 00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:38.399 I remembered her making pasta at midnight, telling silly stories 124 00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:40.839 about kitchens that set sodden stacks of towels on fire, 125 00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:44.000 letting me in. Always when we talk about trust, I 126 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.439 used to say, let's name the monsters instead of hiding 127 00:05:46.439 --> 00:05:50.000 from them. It isn't easy launching a restaurant when even 128 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:51.879 pitched Hearth, the rent was more than we could handle, 129 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:54.000 even with my stable salary, and I all but handed 130 00:05:54.040 --> 00:05:56.439 him the key store of her nancers covered wrent, lunge 131 00:05:56.480 --> 00:05:59.680 payments emergencies. There were months when the only thing giving 132 00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:02.120 us was my job's health insurance and the knowledge that 133 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:05.680 success would feel shared. I don't hold resentment, at least 134 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:08.439 I told myself I didn't, But I noticed when Ethan's 135 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:10.759 phone began to ring after midnight again, or when he 136 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:12.639 woke at three a m. To fret over venders and 137 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:15.360 plaiting photos instead of curling up behind me in bed. 138 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:18.879 Our social circle to formed at so Microcline, Jamie and 139 00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:21.160 Mark from wine Club, the three other couples who rotated 140 00:06:21.160 --> 00:06:24.000 host in a library dinner parties. Ethan's crew seized chefs 141 00:06:24.000 --> 00:06:25.720 and line cooks who laughed a little too hard at 142 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:29.480 my mocking wife jokes. We were stable, admired, even envied. 143 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:32.680 Ethan sent love you texts and emojis and memes. He 144 00:06:32.759 --> 00:06:34.720 called my office forstmail to play me snippets of bad 145 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.959 acoustic covers he heard while shopping for produce. My own 146 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:39.920 weakest spot has always been the nagging fear that I 147 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:42.639 might lose something I loved through an attention. I've been 148 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:44.560 on the wrong end of secrets perform my college boy 149 00:06:44.600 --> 00:06:46.959 friend's whispered calls to someone named the Jess, the lies 150 00:06:47.000 --> 00:06:49.560 that trick of for conversation when you asked too many questions. 151 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:52.399 When Ethan and I made our no secrets packed, he 152 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:54.800 knew what it cost me to believe him I did 153 00:06:55.639 --> 00:06:58.600 or I thought I did. Lately, all our rituals began 154 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:01.319 to slip quietly. First it was movie night, teeth and 155 00:07:01.360 --> 00:07:03.399 promising he'd be home by, only to send a last 156 00:07:03.399 --> 00:07:07.040 minute apologetic text swamp tis tests with pastry supply tomorrow. 157 00:07:07.639 --> 00:07:09.720 The next night, I face timed him from the couch, 158 00:07:09.800 --> 00:07:12.439 pretending to show off a new candle, but secretly scrutinizing 159 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:16.079 the background. I caught on familiar movement behind him, blurred faces, 160 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:18.920 a woman's laugh clatter. When I asked if he could 161 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:23.120 step outside, he sounded annoyed, can't talk, babe, tasting menu. 162 00:07:23.199 --> 00:07:26.879 I'll call later. Okay he didn't, I told myself he 163 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:30.240 was simply stressed. Still, that jealousy muscle dowed three years 164 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:33.120 twitch back to life in my chest. One more night 165 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:35.879 passed an end to you, with Ethan texting apologies and 166 00:07:35.879 --> 00:07:39.199 phrases that barely sounded like him, making connections for next 167 00:07:39.199 --> 00:07:41.920 month's menu launch, the networking wine reps in tam Law, 168 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:45.639 all while our actual life shared laundry, rent checks delayed 169 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:48.600 dental appointments, clamored for attention beneath the flasher urgencies of 170 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:51.639 his culinary dream. Three days after the last missed dinner, 171 00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:54.160 a group chaffer our wine club exploded, with Midwick banter 172 00:07:54.839 --> 00:07:58.040 scrolling idly. I saw the message from Jamie Lauren, wasn't 173 00:07:58.040 --> 00:07:59.759 that your husband at Bella? Not last night with the 174 00:07:59.759 --> 00:08:03.000 Britin A beat later, an awkward double s end was 175 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:05.680 someone who looked like him. The dext was buried under 176 00:08:05.720 --> 00:08:08.120 a half dozen memes, and someone's ran about a disappointing 177 00:08:08.199 --> 00:08:11.319 chabley's but I read it three times. Ethan said he'd 178 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:14.000 be in the kitchen at hath all night. La Nott 179 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.759 was across town, a spot we'd only been to once 180 00:08:15.759 --> 00:08:19.519 for an anniversary splurch. My chest hollowed out. I scold 181 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:22.720 up for contacts, found nothing but neutral small talk. A 182 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:24.959 part of me wanted to text him then, to demand 183 00:08:25.000 --> 00:08:28.439 answers or reassurance, but I didn't. Instead, I walked into 184 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:30.759 the bedroom, where the sheets on Eathan's side were smooth 185 00:08:30.759 --> 00:08:33.720 and a wrinkle and lay awake inventory in every recent oddity, 186 00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.080 receipts from meals and new places. His polite but stiff 187 00:08:36.120 --> 00:08:38.240 answers When I asked about his night, his phone faced 188 00:08:38.279 --> 00:08:41.080 on on the counter more often than before. The next day, 189 00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:43.519 breezing through the motions at work felt like dragging my 190 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:47.240 feet through molasses. My boss, a shrewd, no nonsense woman 191 00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:49.360 whose approval still carried more weight than it should, ask 192 00:08:49.399 --> 00:08:51.919 if I wanted to take Friday off. I told her 193 00:08:51.960 --> 00:08:55.240 I was fine, just a little tired, that's all. I 194 00:08:55.240 --> 00:08:57.559 didn't want to tell anyone the truth that my marriage 195 00:08:57.600 --> 00:08:59.919 was starting to feel like waking up in someone else's dream. 196 00:09:00.519 --> 00:09:03.480 I decided to call Ethan during his afternoon break, lieheartedly 197 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:06.480 teasing Monsieur at movie night cheff was the menu worth it? 198 00:09:06.960 --> 00:09:09.080 There was noise in the background, lively, not the hush 199 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:11.120 of closed hours, while the snippy back of her busy 200 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:14.720 kitchen laughter tumbled through the line. I heard what sounded 201 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:18.399 like glasses clinking, a woman's laughter, then Ethan's voice, Sorry, 202 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:21.200 bebe what it's nuts here. We just taste testing a 203 00:09:21.240 --> 00:09:23.879 bunch of us. I'll call you after, I promise. He 204 00:09:23.960 --> 00:09:26.799 sounded not only distracted but irritable, snapping back into the 205 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.480 phone before returning to the group. I let it go, 206 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:33.240 mostly to preserve my dignity. That night, after he sent 207 00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:35.360 a sheepish apology, but I owe you dinner this weekend. 208 00:09:35.399 --> 00:09:38.639 But I found myself unable to concentrate on anything. I 209 00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:41.399 tried to read, made a sad attempt at yoga rearrange 210 00:09:41.399 --> 00:09:44.039 the mail. I checked the wine Club chat for another 211 00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:48.519 appearance from Jamie. Nothing. Instead, I pulled up Ethan's Instagram, 212 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:51.399 out of habit his stories. The dark kitchen at half 213 00:09:51.559 --> 00:09:55.840 pans on flame, a fuzzy shotful wineglass, no faces, no 214 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:58.639 sign of who he was drinking with. I remembered the 215 00:09:58.679 --> 00:10:01.120 message from Jamie and tried not to read anything into it. 216 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:04.240 After all, was it possible he'd just run into some 217 00:10:04.279 --> 00:10:07.080 one at Bellinot. Maybe he picked up samples for a 218 00:10:07.080 --> 00:10:10.559 special dish. Why hadn't he just said so? The ward 219 00:10:10.559 --> 00:10:12.840 of Brunette stuck in my mind, slippery, and a murmurred. 220 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:16.519 There were dozens hundreds of brunettes in our circles. I 221 00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:19.559 told myself it didn't mean anything. I believed it until 222 00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:21.440 I saw his chess coat again, this time with a 223 00:10:21.440 --> 00:10:24.279 smear of lips to come the color. My frustration flared 224 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:27.240 and out all day. Ethan came home around Midett's smelling 225 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:29.200 of thyme and something too sweet, gave me an absent 226 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:31.399 kiss on the forehead, and headed straight for the shower. 227 00:10:31.960 --> 00:10:34.039 I heard him cur softly under his breath at the 228 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:37.360 water temperature. At breakfast, his attempts at affection were cute, but 229 00:10:37.440 --> 00:10:40.000 not quite right. He made eggs exactly how I like 230 00:10:40.080 --> 00:10:41.840 them at its galleons. Tried to tempt me with a 231 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:44.480 slab of buttery sow dough, but his phone kept lighting up. 232 00:10:45.000 --> 00:10:48.240 He sculled through his notifications under the table, thumb flicking rapidly, 233 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:51.399 a smile flickering across his lips. When I stared at 234 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:53.320 my plate, counting the reasons I should let it go, 235 00:10:53.480 --> 00:10:56.000 he reached for my hand. I'm going to be slammed 236 00:10:56.039 --> 00:10:58.559 all week. Don't wait up o K He meant, don't 237 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:01.480 look for me. I nodded. The next evening I decided 238 00:11:01.480 --> 00:11:04.240 to surprise him at hearth. It was late Thomas's closing, 239 00:11:04.240 --> 00:11:06.399 and I brought a box of pastries from Marlow's, the 240 00:11:06.440 --> 00:11:09.159 sort he pretended not to love but always demolished in secret. 241 00:11:09.799 --> 00:11:12.399 The dining room buzzed with quiet after dinner clatter, a 242 00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:16.159 hossess buff and glasses, two barbak stacking chairs. The hostess 243 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:18.679 some one knew with two bright nails. Looked up, startled. 244 00:11:19.360 --> 00:11:22.200 Oh you just missed Ethan. She said he headed out 245 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:25.399 early to night. I think I blinked at her. Are 246 00:11:25.399 --> 00:11:29.200 you sure he said he was closing? She shrugged. Maybe 247 00:11:29.200 --> 00:11:31.600 he went around back. I don't always track the chef, 248 00:11:32.159 --> 00:11:35.279 I laughed, playing head off my nerves jangling. I took 249 00:11:35.320 --> 00:11:37.919 the pastry's home and left him on the counter. When 250 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:39.879 even came in after one in the morning, he swung 251 00:11:39.919 --> 00:11:41.840 his bag over a chair and barely glanced at the 252 00:11:41.879 --> 00:11:47.000 treats rough night. I asked. He mumbled something about vendorm 253 00:11:47.000 --> 00:11:49.879 meetings as fixed on his thumb. I almost told him 254 00:11:49.879 --> 00:11:52.080 what the hostess said, but kept it in, testing his 255 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:56.279 response quietly. The next day, I called Jamie Hay about 256 00:11:56.320 --> 00:11:59.039 that message. Billinov was a definitely Ethan were just a 257 00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:03.120 look alike. There was a pause. You know, I've been thinking, Lauren, 258 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:05.639 maybe I was wrong. It was dark and I was 259 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:08.720 a couple glasses in her voice was careful, too careful. 260 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:12.519 She changed the subject, asking about the upcoming one club dinner. 261 00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:15.039 My stomach to as sive with the knowledge that Jamie 262 00:12:15.080 --> 00:12:18.080 and I never did careful this before. My mother called 263 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:20.360 that afternoon, just before I pressed send on an all 264 00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:22.840 hands kind up day. She heard the strain in my 265 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:26.120 voice within seconds. You sound glum, honey. I hope you're 266 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:28.440 not Letting's dress build up like you did back with Nathan. 267 00:12:29.000 --> 00:12:30.919 Nathan the ex. He guessed at me until I'd oubted 268 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:34.480 my own a sight. Everything's fine, I told her. The 269 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.600 lie came out cool and practiced. Friday, I caught up 270 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:40.480 on shared expenses. I our joined the count normally a 271 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:43.320 comforting routine. A spreadsheet marriage therapy I used. A joke 272 00:12:43.399 --> 00:12:46.559 was littered with left charges at odd hours. I recognized 273 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:50.399 some early morning drop offs at hearth Bender runs, butch 274 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:53.000 from Tuesday night from downtown to a residential address. I 275 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:56.039 didn't No made my scalp prickle. Ethan had said he'd 276 00:12:56.039 --> 00:12:58.759 walked home that night. I wanted to ask, but couldn't 277 00:12:58.759 --> 00:13:01.679 find a way that wouldn't sound acute. I followed it 278 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:05.039 up that weekend. Ethan was supposedly its supply. I expot 279 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:07.759 in the suburbs, texting me groute selfies. Three guys from 280 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.360 his team olkroning with the fourth person not quite in 281 00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:12.679 a framer woman's hand holding a coffee cup, A sliver 282 00:13:12.720 --> 00:13:15.559 of brunette hair. Angel saved us when we got lost, 283 00:13:15.639 --> 00:13:18.919 loll Ethan's message read, I held my phone longer than 284 00:13:18.960 --> 00:13:22.440 I should have, reminding myself not to react, Attempting to 285 00:13:22.440 --> 00:13:24.519 close the distance between us. I offered to swing by 286 00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:26.639 half a drink after my wine club, but he demurred, 287 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:30.039 texting Kneedeep and great Crate held the romandic life. Yell 288 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:33.159 stabbed me for suspecting anything. I felt like an amateur 289 00:13:33.200 --> 00:13:35.559 detective in my own home, soluthing for clues that always 290 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.159 ended in dead ends. Yet the next morning, sifting through 291 00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:41.639 his laundry, I found take out receipts from restaurants we 292 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:44.480 never visited together, La Pescara at the Grotto, all places 293 00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:47.039 with late night kitchens and moody lighting. It was as 294 00:13:47.080 --> 00:13:49.120 if he was constructing a live parallels of the one 295 00:13:49.120 --> 00:13:52.200 we built, dining at tables, our routines never touched. If 296 00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:54.279 I searched my memory, I could see how small things 297 00:13:54.279 --> 00:13:57.440 stacked up. Ethan's sudden reluctance to talk about work, the 298 00:13:57.480 --> 00:13:59.799 way the restaurant's schedules seemed to perfectly aligned with my 299 00:13:59.840 --> 00:14:02.320 own plans. My wine club evenings were always the knights, 300 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:05.840 he claimed would be impossibly busy, leaving him unsupervised. I 301 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:08.159 couldn't shape the impression that some one was arranging events 302 00:14:08.159 --> 00:14:11.080 to happen out of sync without togediness. On nights he 303 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:14.480 was home, Ethan overcompensated, arriving with flowers, tiny pistries, or 304 00:14:14.519 --> 00:14:18.399 bottles of some obscure digestive. Each gesture polite, rehearsed, and 305 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:20.879 slightly wrong, as if he'd studied what loving spouse would 306 00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:24.480 do but forgotten the precise feeling between us. A widening gulf, 307 00:14:24.600 --> 00:14:28.279 Sex became augwart, his hands hesitant, his jokes too easily misplaced. 308 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:32.720 I blamed my own insecurity for not feeling desire that Sunday, 309 00:14:32.799 --> 00:14:34.679 when the sun was merciless and the city seemed to 310 00:14:34.679 --> 00:14:36.960 buzz with people too busy for secrets, I asked Ethan 311 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:39.000 up right, if we could have an evening just for ourselves, 312 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:42.480 No work, no friends, just us. He smiled to pinch 313 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.159 the bridge of his nose and said soon. This week's 314 00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:48.240 too swamped, but I promise. The next day he made dinner. 315 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:52.519 We ate in near silence. Monday brought more friction. I 316 00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:55.559 found myself looking on the hot Instagram again, dissecting every 317 00:14:55.840 --> 00:14:59.200 posts and comment I rent searches for angel post restaurant 318 00:14:59.240 --> 00:15:02.200 namees scrolled throughout endless images of food, happy customers, and 319 00:15:02.240 --> 00:15:05.679 occasional staff photos. Angela popped up twice. A woman in 320 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:08.320 her late twenties with wide, mischievous eyes, her arms lung 321 00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:11.360 over a silver's shoulder. She posted the late night Reel's 322 00:15:11.399 --> 00:15:14.000 tagging Hearth always capturing Ethan at the edge of a laugh. 323 00:15:14.240 --> 00:15:16.759 Rarely sent her a stage. She captured one of the 324 00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:19.519 brains of Hearth. Couldn't do this without him. Her profile 325 00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:22.080 was set to public, and Ethan liked almost every post. 326 00:15:22.720 --> 00:15:25.159 I told myself it was part of the scene, cooks 327 00:15:25.200 --> 00:15:27.919 and managers supporting each other. But it was hard to 328 00:15:27.960 --> 00:15:30.720 ignore how easily Ethan's wilt intersected with Angela's, how as 329 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:32.639 I was and has seemed to share a gravitational pull, 330 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:34.879 even when my own life ran parallel but never touching. 331 00:15:35.440 --> 00:15:38.039 The following Friday, Jamie conned me at wine club. As 332 00:15:38.039 --> 00:15:41.000 Mark finished pouring a pinot, I could hardly taste. Her 333 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.279 head tilted the universal sign for I'm about to say 334 00:15:43.399 --> 00:15:45.879 something serious but don't want to. Hey, Lauren, I wanted 335 00:15:45.879 --> 00:15:48.039 to ask our things okay with you? And Ethan per 336 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:52.120 tone was too bland. Sure why I played off my 337 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:56.360 heart hammering. Jamie leaned closer, her voice slow only. I 338 00:15:56.399 --> 00:15:59.320 saw Ethan again, bell and no same brenet. They looked close, 339 00:15:59.519 --> 00:16:03.039 like not just business dinner clothes. She WinCE apologetically, as 340 00:16:03.080 --> 00:16:07.120 if anticipating a blowback. I wanted to vanish. I gripped 341 00:16:07.120 --> 00:16:10.240 my glass. Did you talk to him? She shook her 342 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:13.360 head quickly, didn't want to interrupt. I'm so sorry if 343 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.759 I'm making a thing out of nothing. She looked away, 344 00:16:15.799 --> 00:16:18.320 swirling her wine until it almost sloshed over the rim. 345 00:16:18.559 --> 00:16:21.039 I drove home in silence, the city hailed in street light, 346 00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:22.840 and sat in my car like a kid afraid to 347 00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:26.720 go inside. I was humiliated. The world we built flickered 348 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:29.720 in my peripheral vision, unreliable, filled with holes I'd ignored. 349 00:16:30.399 --> 00:16:33.799 In our apartment, Ethan was already asleep, shallow breaths, whistling gently, 350 00:16:33.840 --> 00:16:36.120 his arm flung over the pillow, as if reassuring himself 351 00:16:36.120 --> 00:16:38.799 I was there. The ich I felt was dull, not sharp. 352 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:41.879 It was fed by months of eroded assurance. The next morning, 353 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:44.120 as we toast to waffles, I resolved to give Ethan 354 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:46.320 a chance to address it. Are you seeing a lot 355 00:16:46.320 --> 00:16:50.320 of angoa? I ventured, trying for nonchalance. He bit into 356 00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:53.799 a waffle, shrugged. She's helpful, that's all, knows all the venders. 357 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.679 I don't get what's so interesting about wine club gossip anyway, 358 00:16:57.240 --> 00:16:59.679 the accusations done, even as it was couched in false humor. 359 00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:02.559 I pressed, I heard you went to bill and not 360 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:05.599 for dinner last week. Did something come up? He paused, 361 00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:08.720 looked up just enough to meet my eyes, then away networking. 362 00:17:08.799 --> 00:17:11.000 You know how it is, wine wrap suppliers. I can't 363 00:17:11.039 --> 00:17:13.599 keep every one stray. It's all the same. Now, his 364 00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:16.599 voice was tired, defensive. He said, you wanted me to 365 00:17:16.640 --> 00:17:18.759 get out there, make connections for hearth. Do you not 366 00:17:18.839 --> 00:17:20.880 want that any more? Am I not working hard enough 367 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:24.240 for both of us? I sat stunned. That's not what 368 00:17:24.359 --> 00:17:29.279 I He cut me off, weaving a hand. I'm sorry, babe, seriously, 369 00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:31.119 why it does a matter who was there? I'm always 370 00:17:31.160 --> 00:17:33.640 thinking of you. You should trust me. But he wouldn't 371 00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:36.200 meet my gaze. I spent the rest of the morning 372 00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:39.039 scrubbing the kitchen with excessive force, my anger and uncertainty 373 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:41.920 boiling beneath a false logic. Maybe I was smothering him. 374 00:17:42.440 --> 00:17:46.119 Maybe old work's tress was warping his priorities. I remembered 375 00:17:46.119 --> 00:17:48.559 the way he used to tell me everything, the menu disasters, 376 00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:52.720 the money stress, the tiny victories lately a story sounded edited, 377 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:56.000 were told in the safest possible language. When I again 378 00:17:56.039 --> 00:17:58.640 picked through his jacket looking for a misincredit card, I 379 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:01.640 found another take out receipt Fay Union two as tout 380 00:18:01.759 --> 00:18:03.799 a chef's discount, dated for a night I knew I'd 381 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:06.599 worked late. I texted Ethan a photo of the receipt, 382 00:18:06.720 --> 00:18:10.640 making a joke about feeding secret admirers. He texted back, Allell, 383 00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:12.720 just me and Paul from wine school. You worry too 384 00:18:12.799 --> 00:18:16.200 much our share of calendar pink. Minutes later, Angela's vendor 385 00:18:16.279 --> 00:18:19.799 presentation a cat miss. I stared at the notification, adjusting 386 00:18:19.799 --> 00:18:21.720 the volume on my laptop as I closed an email, 387 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:24.480 and felt the loneliness creep into my bones. To test 388 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:27.119 my theory about Angela and the overlapping schedules, I made 389 00:18:27.160 --> 00:18:29.200 a spreadsheet of his supposed late nights and mapped them 390 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:32.279 to my own wine club evenings. Nearly every one matched. 391 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:35.319 It felt too neat, too convenient to be a coincidence. 392 00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:37.640 Why would he be working late only when I was 393 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.039 out late myself. At this point, sleep became dodgy territory. 394 00:18:41.640 --> 00:18:44.519 Most nights I lay beside Ethan and replayed the weak explanations, 395 00:18:44.599 --> 00:18:48.000 the evasions. I tried all arguments against paranoia, but the 396 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:50.200 liver reality was black and white. Late nights, hid em 397 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:52.160 seat a fall and turned face down. The scent of 398 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:54.279 a woman's perfy warm like a badge on his clothes. 399 00:18:55.279 --> 00:18:57.720 I'd either trusted him as a promise or I didn't. 400 00:18:58.359 --> 00:19:00.759 Then one Thursday, after a particular the early grueling week, 401 00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:04.440