WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.640 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.440 I AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.320 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor 4 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:13.000 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere 5 00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:15.400 on the iHeartRadio App. All right, I'm going to my 6 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:18.600 social media into the DMS to answer some of your 7 00:00:18.719 --> 00:00:22.879 pressing questions about relationships. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm 8 00:00:22.920 --> 00:00:27.399 a psychology professor, but I have written three books on 9 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:31.320 relationships and did my dissertation on attachment theory. You could 10 00:00:31.359 --> 00:00:36.600 call me a relationship journalist, So let me weigh in, 11 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:41.000 or the auntie with the best advice. Okay, here's one. 12 00:00:41.200 --> 00:00:44.640 Dear Doctor Wendy. A man i'm dating says he doesn't 13 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:48.679 do well with maintaining relationships because his work requires him 14 00:00:48.679 --> 00:00:52.840 to travel far and often. Does this mean exit if 15 00:00:52.880 --> 00:00:56.880 I want a relationship, Well, this means you need to 16 00:00:56.920 --> 00:00:59.960 ask a lot more questions. You need to say to him, 17 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.679 what do you think is required to maintain a relationship? 18 00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:08.040 Ask him what he's unable to do. If he says, oh, 19 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:11.799 you know, daily phone calls or you know, having to 20 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:14.439 see the person regularly when I can't be sure that 21 00:01:14.519 --> 00:01:18.239 I can. Then you're probably listening to somebody with an 22 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:22.680 avoidant attachment style and his work protects him from intimacy. 23 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:26.560 But I would definitely ask a lot more questions about 24 00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:30.959 what that means. And also I would ask yourself what 25 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:34.400 you're looking for in a relationship. You know, maybe you're 26 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:36.719 a single mom and has your kids every other week, 27 00:01:36.760 --> 00:01:38.879 and having somebody who's gone part of the time could 28 00:01:38.920 --> 00:01:41.560 be good because you're busy with your other stuff, but 29 00:01:41.719 --> 00:01:46.480 maybe not too. Maybe you want a deep, consistent, emotional 30 00:01:46.519 --> 00:01:51.040 attachment that involves FaceTime and regular calls and sharing a life. 31 00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:53.439 Right in that case, this guy's given you a warning, 32 00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:56.120 just to let you know be on alert. All right, 33 00:01:56.159 --> 00:02:00.719 Moving on, Hey, doctor Wendy, I have a question. Is 34 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:04.480 a man being condescending when he says my career as 35 00:02:04.519 --> 00:02:09.439 a writer is cute? Or is that a compliment? I'm sorry, 36 00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:12.400 that is like our sarcastic dish that I was talking 37 00:02:12.439 --> 00:02:17.960 about before. Careers aren't cute? First of all, what does 38 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:24.639 cute mean? Small? Little, young, pretty funny? Oh it's so cute, 39 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:27.840 sey mino. That's what they say in French say Mignon 40 00:02:28.319 --> 00:02:31.039 say cute. You know what a filet Mignon is. It's 41 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:37.000 a cute steak philet mignon. No, your career is not cute. 42 00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:40.479 If it's it's part of your identity, it's part of 43 00:02:40.520 --> 00:02:44.120 your creativity. It's something that should bring you self pride. 44 00:02:44.759 --> 00:02:48.280 I would definitely correct him on that that's not a compliment. 45 00:02:48.719 --> 00:02:51.560 That is not a compliment at all. And I would say, 46 00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:54.719 I just want to say one thing. He must be insecure, 47 00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:57.400 so he wants to put down your career because he's 48 00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:00.439 not so proud of his for whatever reason. So I 49 00:03:00.439 --> 00:03:03.120 think maybe the way to address it is, Hey, you 50 00:03:03.120 --> 00:03:05.039 know you told me once that you thought my career 51 00:03:05.199 --> 00:03:08.599 was cute. I wonder what you think of your career? 52 00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:11.199 Can we talk about it? Are we comparing? Like? Just 53 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:15.319 ask you always shake your head, Kayla, because you're just 54 00:03:15.400 --> 00:03:17.719 so funny. I just you hear such a straight shooter 55 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:18.680 like I am. 56 00:03:18.879 --> 00:03:20.000 I love that. I love it. 57 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:21.719 I want people to learn just say it. 58 00:03:21.719 --> 00:03:22.479 It makes me happy. 59 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.039 Just say it. I should write a book called just 60 00:03:24.039 --> 00:03:24.400 say It. 61 00:03:24.439 --> 00:03:24.960 You should. 62 00:03:25.319 --> 00:03:29.319 People are not expected to be mind readers in relationships. Okay, 63 00:03:29.400 --> 00:03:32.800 moving along to another listener question. Dear doctor, Wendy. Is 64 00:03:32.800 --> 00:03:35.680 it a red flag if a man in his forties 65 00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:40.000 says he's never been in love or is their first 66 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:43.199 time for everything? Uh No, that's a huge red flag. 67 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:48.360 That is a huge red flag. First of all, love 68 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:51.400 is not something that happens to you. It's something you do. 69 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:54.080 It is a verb. I often say it is the 70 00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:57.319 verb to give. So he's basically saying, I've never given 71 00:03:57.439 --> 00:03:59.639 enough of myself to anybody to be in a relationship. 72 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:02.319 I've never chosen to do that. Love is also a choice. 73 00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:06.000 It's an intellectual choice. Yes, there's some chemistry involved in 74 00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:08.280 all that, but then you choose to go forward. Because 75 00:04:08.319 --> 00:04:11.319 you can have great chemistry with somebody who's terrible for 76 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:13.560 you and make you can make the intellectual choice not 77 00:04:13.599 --> 00:04:16.759 to go forward. Right. You can also have okay chemistry 78 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:19.920 with somebody who you want to just merge a life 79 00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:22.519 with and make it great, and you can make that choice. 80 00:04:22.560 --> 00:04:26.279 That's called intellectual love. Right. So, if he says he's 81 00:04:26.360 --> 00:04:29.199 never been in love and he's in his forties and 82 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:32.120 he has no kids, I know you want to think 83 00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:34.560 you are the one you're gonna want. That's gonna turn 84 00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:37.160 him around. And it's because he hasn't met the one. 85 00:04:37.879 --> 00:04:41.560 It's not true. It's because he hasn't learned relationship skills, 86 00:04:41.920 --> 00:04:43.680 and a lot of it may go back to his 87 00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:47.199 early life and his family of origin. He hasn't learned 88 00:04:47.240 --> 00:04:49.519 how to love. And it's not your job to be 89 00:04:49.560 --> 00:04:51.600 his teacher. Just want to say, not your job to 90 00:04:51.639 --> 00:04:55.160 be his teacher. Dear doctor Wendy, how can you tell 91 00:04:55.160 --> 00:04:57.920 if someone just wants sex out of a relationship that 92 00:04:57.959 --> 00:05:01.959 should be very easy. They compliment you on your looks, 93 00:05:01.959 --> 00:05:04.639 they get all touchy feely. After sex, they kind of 94 00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:06.680 disappear because they got what they want and they don't 95 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:09.319 come back right away. Somebody who wants more than sex 96 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:14.000 courts you, spends time taking you out, sacrifices, spends time 97 00:05:14.040 --> 00:05:16.959 and money and energy, gets to know you, talks about life, 98 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:20.759 your family, love, your goals, gets to know you intimately. 99 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:22.879 But if all they're talking about your hop baby when 100 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:26.439 we were getting together, they just want sex. It's pretty simple, 101 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.759 but girls put blinders on. I don't know all right, 102 00:05:29.879 --> 00:05:31.319 I think we have time for one more before we 103 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:34.040 go to a break. Dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend is 104 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:38.399 still very friendly with her ex's family. She calls them 105 00:05:38.439 --> 00:05:41.560 for the holidays and on their birthdays. She was with 106 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:45.160 him for twelve years and considers them her family. It 107 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.639 makes me uncomfortable. But am I being immature? 108 00:05:48.360 --> 00:05:48.600 Yes? 109 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:51.519 First of all, why haven't you introduced her to your tribe? 110 00:05:51.720 --> 00:05:53.279 Why what is going on? And how long have you 111 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:55.720 been with this girlfriend? All? Right, when people get together 112 00:05:55.800 --> 00:06:00.639 in a relationship, it becomes a bridge between tribes those 113 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:04.639 you have no control over those tribal members. I know 114 00:06:04.720 --> 00:06:07.920 I did a segment on the show before I can remember. 115 00:06:08.600 --> 00:06:11.120 Layla Mohammad was doing the news back when, and I 116 00:06:11.160 --> 00:06:15.279 was doing this thing on if your ex is talking, 117 00:06:15.720 --> 00:06:18.000 if your family members are talking to your ex, what 118 00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:19.879 does it feel like? And she pipes in with my 119 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:21.439 mom does that all the time. She's still in touch 120 00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:23.800 with my ex boyfriends. And it drives me crazy, And 121 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:25.759 I'm just like, you know what, you can't control other 122 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:28.240 people's relationships, right, If they have a friendship, they have 123 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:31.519 a friendship. So it's not like she's getting on a 124 00:06:31.519 --> 00:06:33.480 plane and going to visit them for the holidays. So 125 00:06:33.519 --> 00:06:35.920 she's checking in on the holidays and their birthdays. Because 126 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:38.519 she's done it for twelve years. You will eventually reshape 127 00:06:38.519 --> 00:06:40.920 her by giving her a new tribe, Introduce her to 128 00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:43.759 your family, take her out to stuff. That's how you 129 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:47.360 do it, all right. Yeah, you're feeling a little insecure 130 00:06:47.360 --> 00:06:49.959 about this now. It would be different if you told 131 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:54.240 me so. My girlfriend is very friendly with her ex 132 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:58.759 and goes to have Christmas dinner with he and his family. 133 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:02.040 That would be a threat, right, but you know, checking 134 00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:03.439 in with her old mother in law. I don't know 135 00:07:03.480 --> 00:07:05.319 if they're married or not or whatever, but twelve years 136 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:07.439 is a long time. We have a relationship, and they're 137 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:10.000 people too. She has a right to have them around 138 00:07:10.079 --> 00:07:12.240 in her life, so I kind of say, get over it, 139 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:14.319 all right. When we come back, I'm going to continue 140 00:07:14.360 --> 00:07:18.160 answering your questions. Please feel free to send me a question. 141 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:20.959 Kayla goes through them. She finds out which ones are 142 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:23.360 good to read. If I don't get to it this week, 143 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:25.560 we keep them in the hopper and next week I 144 00:07:25.639 --> 00:07:28.959 might get to it. So just go onto Instagram. The 145 00:07:29.000 --> 00:07:31.759 handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh 146 00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:34.639 and send me a direct message. When we come back, 147 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:36.279 I'll have more of your questions. You're listening to the 148 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:39.279 Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty Live 149 00:07:39.399 --> 00:07:41.439 everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 150 00:07:42.600 --> 00:07:46.839 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 151 00:07:47.040 --> 00:07:48.000 AM six forty. 152 00:07:49.519 --> 00:07:52.199 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI 153 00:07:52.439 --> 00:07:56.600 AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I 154 00:07:56.639 --> 00:08:00.480 am answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. Remind her, 155 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:02.720 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I 156 00:08:02.759 --> 00:08:05.600 have a long life of experience and wisdom, and I 157 00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:07.879 have written three books on relationships. So let's get to it. 158 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:14.240 Dear Doctor Wendy. My man's ex is the exact opposite 159 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:17.560 of me. She's a different race, age, and height, just 160 00:08:17.639 --> 00:08:21.199 completely different. Is he really attracted to me or just 161 00:08:21.240 --> 00:08:23.879 trying to forget her? All right, we need to pause. 162 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:26.319 There's some questions I have here. First of all, why 163 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:29.480 are you so concerned with his ex? She's an ex? 164 00:08:29.959 --> 00:08:33.759 Why are you competing with her? Who cares? You have him? 165 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:36.639 You one? Why are you being so insecure? So that's 166 00:08:36.639 --> 00:08:38.960 on you just want to say that. Then the next 167 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:43.559 thing is, really, you're only a physical being, that's all 168 00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:45.879 you are to him, and so therefore, if you don't 169 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:50.399 look like her, age, race height, then somehow he can't 170 00:08:50.440 --> 00:08:53.279 be attracted to you. Why do you think your value 171 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:57.759 is only in what you look like? Maybe he loves 172 00:08:57.759 --> 00:09:00.879 your heart and soul and brain and mind. Maybe he 173 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:03.960 loves your life experience. Maybe he loves what you do. 174 00:09:04.360 --> 00:09:08.399 Maybe he loves who you are. Is he just trying 175 00:09:08.440 --> 00:09:11.720 to forget her? I don't know. I will say that 176 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:16.120 I do understand the confusion and the feeling, and I'll 177 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:18.879 be honest. When I first started to go out with 178 00:09:18.919 --> 00:09:22.799 my husband, Julio, he used to say we'd be out 179 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:25.679 around these long walks during COVID, holding hands and he 180 00:09:25.720 --> 00:09:29.600 would muse, because he's an extrovert, extrovert to he would muse, 181 00:09:29.600 --> 00:09:31.639 and he would say things like, it's so weird, I've 182 00:09:31.679 --> 00:09:33.519 never gone out with a blonde. I always go out 183 00:09:33.519 --> 00:09:36.519 with brunettes. Or he'd say I usually go out with Latinas. 184 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:39.399 It's weird going out with somebody who doesn't speak Spanish, 185 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:41.720 you know. Like he would bring up this stuff and 186 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:46.159 I would literally pause in my tracks, turn and face 187 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:49.080 him and go, what do you think this means that 188 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:52.440 you're having these questions? I don't know. It's just weird. 189 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:54.960 It's just different, you know, and not used to having blood. 190 00:09:55.360 --> 00:09:58.080 And I go, well, let me ask you this. Do 191 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:00.960 you think you should have a woman who who speak Spanish? 192 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:04.879 Do you think you should have a woman with dark hair? No? No, 193 00:10:04.919 --> 00:10:08.200 I'm just surprised. And then I'm like, okay, so what 194 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:11.320 do blondes mean to you? I mean, he's going out 195 00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:13.559 with me, He's going to get that. I need to 196 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.480 get to the end of this. And in the end, 197 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:20.559 I think what came up is most of his desire 198 00:10:20.639 --> 00:10:23.399 to be with Latinas and dark haired women was to 199 00:10:23.399 --> 00:10:25.440 be the opposite of his mom, because when his mom 200 00:10:25.480 --> 00:10:27.720 was young, she was blonde. And I go, now you've 201 00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:30.480 come full circle. You come back into mommy's arms. Baby, 202 00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:35.840 It's okay. We analyzed it together. I didn't put it 203 00:10:35.879 --> 00:10:37.720 on my feelings. I was like, like, what is he 204 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:40.440 trying to express? And I helped him learn about himself. 205 00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:41.639 All right? 206 00:10:42.039 --> 00:10:45.519 Moving on, this listener writes to me, dear doctor Wendy, 207 00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:49.600 when I got married, my husband started to request new 208 00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:55.120 things sexually that I'm not necessarily into. Should I oblige? 209 00:10:55.720 --> 00:10:58.799 Since I chose him for life? This is a million 210 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:02.080 dollar question that comes up in relationships all the time. 211 00:11:02.519 --> 00:11:05.480 The thing about sexuality. It's a menu of things, and 212 00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:07.759 some people have a wider menu of options, and some 213 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:10.519 people have a less of a menu. I have a 214 00:11:10.519 --> 00:11:13.000 dear friend who is a sex therapist, and she says 215 00:11:13.039 --> 00:11:17.080 this is presented in her practice on a regular basis. 216 00:11:17.639 --> 00:11:21.480 She would say that they try to find a common ground. 217 00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:26.200 What's most important is that both of you discuss your fantasies, 218 00:11:26.440 --> 00:11:30.159 discuss your desires, discuss workarounds and ways you want to 219 00:11:30.200 --> 00:11:34.320 do it now. I remember, years and years ago there 220 00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:37.200 was a columnist named Dear Abby. I don't know if 221 00:11:37.240 --> 00:11:39.200 anybody's old enough to remember Dear Abby. She was in 222 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:44.600 every syndicated newspaper around and someone wrote just something similar 223 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:46.759 to that, but because it was like the seventies or eighties, 224 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:49.320 they worded it like, my husband wants to do things 225 00:11:49.399 --> 00:11:51.279 late at night that I don't want to do. What 226 00:11:51.320 --> 00:11:54.039 should I do? And her answer really surprised me, and 227 00:11:54.080 --> 00:11:56.440 it's stuck in my head because her answer was, you know, 228 00:11:57.000 --> 00:12:00.159 just because you're not hungry doesn't mean you shouldn't or 229 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:02.639 a meal with somebody, or just because somebody made you 230 00:12:02.679 --> 00:12:05.360 a plate of something you don't like, you shouldn't try it. Right, 231 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:09.679 So I brought that up in my human sexuality class 232 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:12.720 when I was in graduate school, and the teacher said, 233 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:16.600 dear Abby should be shot. Whoop. She said that class, 234 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:19.600 no one should do something that they don't want to do. 235 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:23.799 So I'm a believer in both things. There's a happy 236 00:12:23.840 --> 00:12:26.919 medium between both of those ideas, and the only way 237 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:29.000 that it'll work out is if the two of you 238 00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:32.120 go to a sex therapist together, somebody who specializes in 239 00:12:32.159 --> 00:12:36.559 these issues, who understands that this is common and there 240 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:40.799 are workarounds, because guess what, When you first enter a relationship, 241 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:43.159 it's like ninety percent about the sex and lust and 242 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:45.679 ten percent about everything else. Once you've been together a 243 00:12:45.759 --> 00:12:48.799 lot of years, it's about ten percent sex and ninety 244 00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:50.840 percent everything else. So make sure you're growing all the 245 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:53.879 other parts of the relationship. Okay, I think we have 246 00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:59.240 time for one more. Oop. I just did that one, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. 247 00:12:59.320 --> 00:13:04.679 Ooh oh oh, this is interesting. Dear doctor Wendy. My 248 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:09.759 ex showed up at a party that he knew I 249 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:12.879 would be at. He waited at the exit until I 250 00:13:12.960 --> 00:13:15.799 left so he could talk to me. I told him 251 00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:18.440 that I'm upset that he didn't let me enjoy my 252 00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:22.200 time with my friends, and he said I'm ungrateful because 253 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:25.440 he wanted to see me. Was this a romantic gesture 254 00:13:25.879 --> 00:13:30.879 or alarming behavior? This is alarming behavior. This is not 255 00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:36.240 a romantic gesture. He's stalking you at this party. Now 256 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:39.320 you have a choice. You go to a party, you 257 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:43.159 see him there, you can choose to ignore him. I 258 00:13:43.279 --> 00:13:45.879 prefer that you go and do the classy thing and 259 00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:49.399 walk over and say hi, just wanted to say hello. 260 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:52.759 We're not together, so I won't be talking to you tonight, 261 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:54.879 but it's nice to see you here or whatever. Just 262 00:13:54.919 --> 00:13:56.600 move along. It's nice to see you here, and move 263 00:13:56.600 --> 00:13:59.879 along right, just to acknowledge acknowledge him, and enjoy your thing. 264 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:02.279 Or you can leave. You can take some friends with 265 00:14:02.320 --> 00:14:04.440 you and just get out of there, right. But this 266 00:14:04.519 --> 00:14:07.879 will hang in at the exit, waiting to talk to you. 267 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:13.039 It sounds like you broke up fairly recently, so it's 268 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:15.559 raw for him and he's trying to win you back. 269 00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:19.320 And the fact that he responded with anger like you're ungrateful, 270 00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:22.879 it makes me a little bit worried, all right, So 271 00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:26.519 this is alarming behavior, Like you know what I would 272 00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:28.720 if you see him at the next party, leave right 273 00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:31.200 away and don't leave alone. Bring someone with you. Okay, 274 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:33.759 that's what I would do. Okay, one more quick one, dear, 275 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:35.879 talk to Wendy. Why do people on dating apps set 276 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:38.360 updates and not follow up? Oh, it's an easy question. 277 00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:40.679 So for many people, they get enough hit of a 278 00:14:40.679 --> 00:14:44.480 dopamine knowing that somebody wants to go out with them. 279 00:14:44.759 --> 00:14:47.440 In other words, they get bored with just scrolling around 280 00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:49.480 and get a whole bunch of people in their message box, 281 00:14:49.799 --> 00:14:52.279 and then they set up stuff and they don't actually 282 00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:55.360 follow through. Hopefully they're not leaving you alone in a 283 00:14:55.399 --> 00:14:58.080 restaurant or coffee shop, but like they'll just say yeah, yeah, 284 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:01.320 maybe next week, and then they don't, right, Because there 285 00:15:01.320 --> 00:15:05.159 are people who get high off just the interest and 286 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:07.399 they don't even need to go through the date. So 287 00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:10.120 that's why it's very important that you do not set 288 00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:12.519 up a date on a dating app. That you get 289 00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:15.320 on the phone very quickly and talk to somebody and 290 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:19.840 you talk to them regularly, Okay, maybe do some FaceTime whatever, 291 00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:22.320 And so when the first time you meet, it shouldn't 292 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:24.080 be a date. It should be a quick twenty minute 293 00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:26.799 drive by coffee somewhere drive by date that's it, and 294 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:28.799 then decide if you want to go on a first date. 295 00:15:29.679 --> 00:15:31.639 But yeah, that's why they do it. They're getting enough 296 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:34.919 of a dopamine high. All right, when we come back, 297 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:37.679 you're in a brand new relationship. Here's what you should 298 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.120 do in the first thirty days. And no, it doesn't 299 00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:43.120 hook up every single day with them. I'll explain when 300 00:15:43.120 --> 00:15:44.679 we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall 301 00:15:44.720 --> 00:15:48.080 Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the 302 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:49.080 iHeartRadio app. 303 00:15:49.399 --> 00:15:53.600 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 304 00:15:53.799 --> 00:15:54.759 AM six forty. 305 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:58.039 Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy 306 00:15:58.039 --> 00:16:00.679 Wall Show. Just a reminder, I'm here every Sunday from 307 00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:03.000 seven to nine pm. But if you miss any part 308 00:16:03.039 --> 00:16:06.200 of the show, just download the iHeartRadio app and you 309 00:16:06.240 --> 00:16:09.360 can listen to it anywhere. Search KFI or search Doctor 310 00:16:09.399 --> 00:16:13.159 Wendy and you will find it. All right. As I said, 311 00:16:13.679 --> 00:16:16.320 people are starting to get off those dating apps. We're 312 00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:21.159 seeing a decline in almost all of them, and instead 313 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:24.639 people are moving to dms on Instagram because they see 314 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:28.399 what friends they have in common or they're actually meeting 315 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:32.480 in the real world. I want to talk particularly to 316 00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.840 men to how they can brush up on their dating 317 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:40.879 skills if they're looking for a long term relationship. So douze, 318 00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:42.759 if you're looking for a hookup, you can turn this 319 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:46.480 off right now if you're actually looking for a relationship. 320 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:49.559 And some of this advice comes from my experience, some 321 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:52.919 comes from my husband, Julio's experience, who tells me a 322 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:55.720 lot about guys, and some of it I've read around. 323 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:59.159 But I want to say this from the beginning. Julio 324 00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:02.159 told me that if you're he wants every guy to 325 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:04.680 know this. If you're interested in having a long term 326 00:17:04.720 --> 00:17:10.119 relationship with a woman, don't risk touching her too early 327 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:14.440 because you might scare her off. So if the focus 328 00:17:14.640 --> 00:17:17.880 is her beauty, her body and sex and reaching out 329 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:20.319 and touching her, that sends her the message that you 330 00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:22.200 just want sex now. If you are wanting a short 331 00:17:22.279 --> 00:17:25.160 term relationship, of fine, go to it, but you'll scare 332 00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:29.599 off the woman who wants more, right, So let's talk 333 00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:33.480 about what you should be doing. The number one complaint 334 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:37.359 that women have about men. I can't believe that this 335 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.920 comes up in research study after research study is men 336 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:44.839 with poor hygiene. I can't believe I have to say 337 00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:51.279 this out there, gentlemen, smell good, take a shower, be shaved, 338 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:54.880 do whatever you're going to do that makes you look 339 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:58.400 and feel good and smell clean to her. You should 340 00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:01.319 know that women have a much lower tolerance for the 341 00:18:01.359 --> 00:18:03.640 feeling of disgust. This has been proven in lots of 342 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:06.240 studies than men do. So she's going to be hyper 343 00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:09.759 sensitive if you are not at your best when it 344 00:18:09.799 --> 00:18:13.240 comes to hygiene and dare I need to say this too, 345 00:18:13.319 --> 00:18:16.880 This is all like news for dummies. Please take her out. 346 00:18:17.720 --> 00:18:21.359 Group dates don't count. You know. I was researching my 347 00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:24.240 third book called The Thirty Day Love Detox, and I 348 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:27.440 held a bunch of little champagne parties with women, and 349 00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:30.400 I'd asked them questions about their dating life, and I 350 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:33.039 at one of them, was so sad to learn that 351 00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:36.400 one woman was twenty six years old and she'd never 352 00:18:36.440 --> 00:18:39.279 been taken on a date by a guy. She'd only 353 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:41.720 been texted you want to go hang out and there 354 00:18:41.759 --> 00:18:44.079 would be just groups of people, and she was often 355 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:46.720 expected to pay her way, and I was just like, 356 00:18:47.119 --> 00:18:51.720 you know, guys, doesn't have to be expensive. Okay, take 357 00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:55.000 her to the yard house. The California pizza kitchen. But 358 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:58.279 you know, take her out, pack a little picnic, go 359 00:18:58.359 --> 00:19:01.200 for a hike, you know, bring a few granola bars 360 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:03.279 and some bottles of water for it. You know, do 361 00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:07.640 something make her feel special. But do let her take 362 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:11.160 her own transportation at the beginning, because she might feel 363 00:19:11.319 --> 00:19:17.839 unsafe with you as you're getting to know her. Take 364 00:19:17.880 --> 00:19:20.200 her on a drink, a date that doesn't involve drinking, 365 00:19:20.319 --> 00:19:23.839 doesn't involve drinking or eating. Take her on an experience. 366 00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:26.559 You know. One of the things that Julio and I did, 367 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:28.920 mind you, We had the good fortune I say good 368 00:19:29.000 --> 00:19:32.000 fortune of meeting at the beginning of the pandemic, and 369 00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:35.920 so we couldn't go anywhere. So we did so many walks, 370 00:19:36.200 --> 00:19:38.920 We did so many hiking, We did all kinds of 371 00:19:38.960 --> 00:19:45.000 stuff that didn't involve going into restaurants or bars. You know, 372 00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:47.079 it's so funny that I have to say this, but 373 00:19:47.519 --> 00:19:49.400 you know, like let's say you're only dating like a 374 00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:52.200 few weeks, you still want to be careful with your 375 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:54.680 bodily function skies. I mean, it's not the time to 376 00:19:54.720 --> 00:19:57.000 burp or have air come out the other way. I know, 377 00:19:57.440 --> 00:19:58.839 I know you can do it. We do it. Too. 378 00:19:58.880 --> 00:20:00.480 We hold it in. That's what you you need to do. 379 00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:02.839 You need to look like she can dust you off 380 00:20:02.839 --> 00:20:06.680 and take you out to meet her parents. Do show 381 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:10.079 some kind of old fashioned manners, but don't go over 382 00:20:10.119 --> 00:20:13.319 the top. You see, there's two ways that manners can 383 00:20:13.359 --> 00:20:17.720 be interpreted by women. If you open doors for her, 384 00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:20.720 it can make her feel like she's too weak to 385 00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:23.079 do it or there's something wrong with her. It's also 386 00:20:23.279 --> 00:20:26.319 awkward if you tell her stay there, I want to 387 00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:28.359 go open the car door for you. You wait until 388 00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:31.119 I you know, walking around the fourteen feet of your 389 00:20:31.200 --> 00:20:33.680 suv to get to the door while she sits there 390 00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:38.720 is you know, kind of it's awkward, okay, But if 391 00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:42.119 you just get to the door first, open it. If 392 00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:44.200 you get to the table at the restaurant, pull it 393 00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:47.319 out for her. I particularly like man when I get 394 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:49.920 up to go to the restroom at the restaurant, if 395 00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:52.079 they stand up when I stand up, I love that 396 00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:55.720 just for a second. That's what you do, all right. Also, 397 00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:59.519 make yourself available. Stop hiding behind your iPhone, the text whatever, 398 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:02.039 Pick up the phone when she calls, call her, have 399 00:21:02.160 --> 00:21:05.480 real communication. I know what you're saying. That's the old 400 00:21:05.519 --> 00:21:09.440 fashion people test text. Now, I'm sorry, Do you want 401 00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:12.599