Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf
Speaker 1: I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You
Speaker 1: have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome my now Instagram followers.
Speaker 1: They're now peeking into our studio with me and I
Speaker 1: have let the phone number out to one eight hundred
Speaker 1: and five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred
Speaker 1: five two zero one five three four.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: Producer Kayla, who do we have online? We have Lydia
Speaker 1: with the question Lydia, Hi, Lydia. It's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 2: Hi, Doctor Wendy. So my question is in reference to
Speaker 2: my grandkids. Uh huh seven my seven year old granddaughter
Speaker 2: her parents. Her parents allow her to wear makeup and
Speaker 2: that bothers me a lot. She is so only seven,
Speaker 2: she's gonna wind makeup since she was six, Okay, and
Speaker 2: when she's when we go out together, I don't know
Speaker 2: her work makeup good. When they come over and visit us,
Speaker 2: when they go out to the movies and they go
Speaker 2: out anywhile she's wearing makeup, and I'm talking about heavy makeup,
Speaker 2: lips stick, a nice shut wow.
Speaker 1: Okay, so Lydia, Lydia, I understand how you feel as
Speaker 1: a grandmother that you're seven year old granddaughter that her
Speaker 1: parents allow her to wear makeup. Now, I assume who's
Speaker 1: the kid of yours, the father or the mother?
Speaker 2: The father the father?
Speaker 1: Have you talked to your son about it?
Speaker 2: I have a little bit when I have my granddaughter
Speaker 2: and I'm gonna go out with her and she's wearing makeup,
Speaker 2: and he's been there with her. I say, for my son,
Speaker 2: she cannot wear makeup if I'm taking her out, good
Speaker 2: And he's like, no, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 1: Good. My aunt takes Okay. So I want you to
Speaker 1: help convince him to have more power over his wife's
Speaker 1: opinion because obviously she's the one who's pushing it. And
Speaker 1: get some data to show that when young girls are sexualized,
Speaker 1: they're much more likely to become victims of sexual assault. Okay,
Speaker 1: And so you want to make sure you pull all
Speaker 1: the data and say I want to protect her. I
Speaker 1: am so worried that she will be sending the wrong message.
Speaker 1: She's seven years old. She's wearing full faces of makeup
Speaker 1: when she goes out. And you can also create rules
Speaker 1: in your own house wherever you have authority, like in
Speaker 1: your own house or when you're out with her, and
Speaker 1: you can explain to the child, here's why people think
Speaker 1: you're older. And when they think you're older, they might
Speaker 1: treat you older and you might not be ready for
Speaker 1: some of the things they might say or do. So
Speaker 1: I'm going to protect you and I'm going to keep
Speaker 1: you safe by washing your face before we go out.
Speaker 1: Because you are supposed to be a little girl. So
Speaker 1: you use the authority that you have, Lydia in the
Speaker 1: space that you have to help educate the girl, and
Speaker 1: then you also educate your son, and then that's about
Speaker 1: all you can do. Thank you so much for calling Lydia.
Speaker 1: Oh that is heartbreaking. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do
Speaker 1: we have next? We have Peter with the question.
Speaker 3: Peter.
Speaker 1: Hi, Peter, it's doctor Wendy.
Speaker 4: Oh, Hi, doctor Wendy. Yeah, I'm gonna join your show.
Speaker 4: And my question is or or you know, I just
Speaker 4: want to kind of think about situation. So you know,
Speaker 4: me and my wife are married for about seven years, right,
Speaker 4: and then recently just the beginning, like like you know,
Speaker 4: right at the beginning this year, we started having some
Speaker 4: some problems that issues she started. So it started off
Speaker 4: she uh quit her job and started a new job.
Speaker 4: And then when she started that job, you know, things
Speaker 4: has got against complex.
Speaker 1: Why what what caused the relationship problems? Because your wife
Speaker 1: got a new job. What do you think what changed her?
Speaker 4: Well, there's a few things, you know, So like I
Speaker 4: was dealing with some family problems, so I got like
Speaker 4: like really really depressed, but you know, I wasn't like
Speaker 4: lashing out or anything. And then she will start a
Speaker 4: new job, and then she started reacting to me, m
Speaker 4: to my depression. You know, I'm kind of like moping
Speaker 4: around the house. But I wasn't like, you know, being
Speaker 4: abusive or you know, mean or anything like that. I
Speaker 4: was just kind of keeping to myself. So she started
Speaker 4: reacting to that. And then and then part of it reaction,
Speaker 4: she was like say things like you need to go
Speaker 4: see a therapist, but not in a loving label, but
Speaker 4: like kind of an offensive way.
Speaker 1: And then did you realize that it was time for
Speaker 1: you to take some responsibility for your mental health and
Speaker 1: see a therapist?
Speaker 4: Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I'm you know, I'm I'm I'm all
Speaker 4: about that. I see it. It's not a problem.
Speaker 1: So Peter, let's let's cut to the chase. What's the
Speaker 1: question you'd like me to ask answer for you?
Speaker 5: Right?
Speaker 4: So, so you know that was kind of like the
Speaker 4: background of it, right, the contact, so so so you
Speaker 4: know because of that we split up, right and so
Speaker 4: now yeah, yeah, I actually end up moving at the house.
Speaker 4: So so what ended up happening was she started, you know,
Speaker 4: she started working late, and you know, I try to
Speaker 4: call it, she want to turn her call. She didn't
Speaker 4: get home till eleven thirty.
Speaker 1: So what what's your question? What's your question?
Speaker 4: So, so, you know, so now we're in a place
Speaker 4: where you know, it's spent several months and then things
Speaker 4: kind of cool down. So we're talking about, you know,
Speaker 4: working things out, getting a you know, getting a couple
Speaker 4: of stuff.
Speaker 1: Are you asking me, is it possible?
Speaker 4: Well, I mean I'm a little bit nervous about it.
Speaker 4: I just kind of just wanted to see what your
Speaker 4: response to that whole scenario.
Speaker 1: I think that at any point in a couple's relationship,
Speaker 1: even if they are separated, if as you said, things
Speaker 1: have calmed down a bit. You you have a possibility
Speaker 1: of rekindling. And the way you do it is the
Speaker 1: two of you go to therapy. Even if that therapy
Speaker 1: turns into closure therapy, it means that nothing is left unsaid.
Speaker 1: It means that the two of you can talk about
Speaker 1: what you were really feeling at the time and do
Speaker 1: some conscious uncoupling or do some conscious recoupling. But you
Speaker 1: won't know until you get in a room together with
Speaker 1: a licensed therapist to try to work that out. And Peter,
Speaker 1: I commend you for even wanting to do that. I
Speaker 1: think it's wonderful. Thank you for calling. All right, we
Speaker 1: have time for one more real quick Who we have?
Speaker 1: We have Rick with a question?
Speaker 3: Rick?
Speaker 1: Hi, Rick, very little time. What's your question? Love.
Speaker 3: I'm going through a divorce twenty eight years yeah, and
Speaker 3: so knowing intimacy for the last ten years at all.
Speaker 3: So I started. I looked on on dating at I
Speaker 3: found somebody just wondering if that's wrong to start dating
Speaker 3: Sundry before the final divorce.
Speaker 1: H you have my full permission to find pleasure and love.
Speaker 1: Divorce usually happens emotionally many years before the actual divorce
Speaker 1: is filed, and while you may have I don't know
Speaker 1: religious beliefs or legal beliefs about oh, everything's got to
Speaker 1: be before I date anyone else. If you have not
Speaker 1: had sex with your wife in ten years as a layperson,
Speaker 1: you have my full permission to go out there and
Speaker 1: have a fabulous time. It sounds like you deserve love, Rick,
Speaker 1: and good luck to you through this terrible time. I
Speaker 1: know it's hard, but things are going to get better.
Speaker 1: On the other side, you will see. Thanks for calling,
Speaker 1: all right, when we come back, I'm actually going to
Speaker 1: go to social media because so many people have sent
Speaker 1: me dms at the same time. You can always go
Speaker 1: onto my Instagram or TikTok and at Dr Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: and send me a DM. If we don't get to
Speaker 1: answer the question this week, we will use it next
Speaker 1: week or a week later. But thanks for being here.
Speaker 1: When we come back, let's head to social media. You're
Speaker 1: listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 5: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I
Speaker 1: want to head to social media because I know these
Speaker 1: are tender personal things and I always get really juicy dms.
Speaker 1: So you are welcome to send me a DM on
Speaker 1: any of my socials. The handle everywhere is at d
Speaker 1: R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let me
Speaker 1: head in there. Here's the first listener question. Hey, doctor Wendy,
Speaker 1: what does it mean when a guy tells you he's
Speaker 1: not ready for a relationship, but when he is, he'll
Speaker 1: come back to you. Is he telling me the truth? Okay,
Speaker 1: it's amazing that you met a guy that is that
Speaker 1: self aware. Actually he's basically saying, hey, I think you're great.
Speaker 1: I'm not ready, and yeah he means it, and yet
Speaker 1: it's the truth. I mean, you might not be available
Speaker 1: when his state of readiness happens. Let me explain something
Speaker 1: to you. When women meet in their mind the one,
Speaker 1: even though I promise you there are many ones out there,
Speaker 1: but the person they regard as being a perfect match
Speaker 1: for them will do anything to keep that relationship. They
Speaker 1: will change they will move to a new city, they
Speaker 1: will change jobs to be near him. They will organize
Speaker 1: their whole life around this relationship. Because women are very relational.
Speaker 1: You can argue whether that's culture, whether that's nature. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Men, on the other hand, hit a certain
Speaker 1: state of readiness in their life, and that state of
Speaker 1: readiness may have to do with their age, the amount
Speaker 1: of education they've accumulated, where they are in their career,
Speaker 1: what's happening in their peer group, if their friends are
Speaker 1: all getting married, And then when they hit their state
Speaker 1: of readiness. Sorry, ladies, I know you think you're really special,
Speaker 1: but they pretty much take whoever's up at bat. Whatever
Speaker 1: woman happens to be in his life when he hits
Speaker 1: a state of readiness gets to be the wife. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: that's how it works with dudes. It's just very different.
Speaker 1: So here's a self aware guy who basically says, I'm
Speaker 1: not at my state of readiness yet. I really really
Speaker 1: like you wish I was. But hey, if you're single,
Speaker 1: when I am, I'll reach out. So what should you do?
Speaker 1: Don't sit around and wait for him? Please, you might
Speaker 1: be a little old lady by the time he's a
Speaker 1: state of rediness. You just don't know, so you should
Speaker 1: go on with your life. Take it as a compliment.
Speaker 1: You're a wonderful catch. He just told you you're a
Speaker 1: wonderful catch, but you went the wrong direction. Dude isn't ready,
Speaker 1: so don't be hurt. It's a compliment. Move on, lose
Speaker 1: all hope. Okay, lose all hope, and yes, he is
Speaker 1: telling you the truth to answer your question. All right.
Speaker 1: This listener says, I'm dating a guy whose job requires
Speaker 1: a lot of business trips. It's hard to build a
Speaker 1: relationship this way. Is it possible to have a successful
Speaker 1: relationship when we only see each other once a month? Well,
Speaker 1: my answer is it on how much contact you're having
Speaker 1: and the quality of the communication every day in between
Speaker 1: those once a month meetings. The research on long distance
Speaker 1: relationship shows that if you're being actually intimate, if you will,
Speaker 1: if you're being vulnerable and honest, and your true feelings
Speaker 1: are coming out and you're connecting throughout the day and
Speaker 1: you're facetiming at night, then you can grow a relationship
Speaker 1: in a long distance way. But if somebody goes into
Speaker 1: a little compartment a capsule in another city and then
Speaker 1: dips back in and expects you to just come up
Speaker 1: to speed, no, you can't build a relationship that way.
Speaker 1: So it depends how he behaves when he's traveling on business.
Speaker 1: Is he trying to continue to build the relationship with you?
Speaker 1: Like years and years ago, I remember going out with
Speaker 1: this guy and whenever he would travel, he literally never
Speaker 1: like that. It was as if there were no phones
Speaker 1: in New York City. He never called, never texts anything.
Speaker 1: And then he come back and just pick up where
Speaker 1: and it drove me crazy. Clearly it didn't go anywhere,
Speaker 1: didn't go anywhere all right?
Speaker 5: Moving on?
Speaker 1: Oh, we have a lot of women writing to me today.
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, Is it true that a man expresses
Speaker 1: his love through his money? If he's spending a lot
Speaker 1: on you, he really cares. I'm dating a guy who
Speaker 1: buys me anything I want ooo, but he doesn't do
Speaker 1: anything outside of that, no sweet compliments, doesn't show much
Speaker 1: care about my personal life. He spends a lot of
Speaker 1: money on me. Does this money equate to his love? Okay?
Speaker 1: Want to remind everybody that we all have a different
Speaker 1: model for love insides our heads, and love to one
Speaker 1: person is not the same as love to another person,
Speaker 1: So there isn't just one version of love. However, if
Speaker 1: he's being material and not able to be emotional, then
Speaker 1: it sounds like he can't give you the kind of
Speaker 1: love that you need. That makes sense with your definition
Speaker 1: of love. To tell you a similar story years ago,
Speaker 1: when I was single, this guy on a third date
Speaker 1: love bombed me with a Cardier watch and almost feel
Speaker 1: like that watch was a Harburger. Harbinger is that the
Speaker 1: right word. It was a warning about what was coming,
Speaker 1: like I'm going to bring you a lot of pain,
Speaker 1: but you're gonna hang in there because I started off
Speaker 1: with something big and he did spend a lot of
Speaker 1: money on me, and I did hang in there longer
Speaker 1: than I should have because nothing else was available. No
Speaker 1: emotions were available, right, and there was also some criticism
Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff. So anyway, if you're
Speaker 1: not getting what you want and deserve in terms of
Speaker 1: emotional connection, then even if he thinks spending money on
Speaker 1: you is showing love, it doesn't feel like love to you.
Speaker 1: So you should move along. I mean, ask him first
Speaker 1: to give him the things you really desire, good communication, vulnerability,
Speaker 1: his feelings, and if he can't, then you got to
Speaker 1: let go of those golden handcuffs. I mean, people have
Speaker 1: stayed in those golden handcuffs for years. I don't know
Speaker 1: how they do it. That's not me, but it is possible.
Speaker 1: But it's up to you. Uh Okay, I think we
Speaker 1: have time for wal Mark. Dear doctor Wendy. I have
Speaker 1: a new friend. She lies to her boyfriend and cheats
Speaker 1: on him a lot. Is this indicative of the type
Speaker 1: of friends she will be with me? So you are
Speaker 1: both just friends, platonic girl to girl friends, and you're
Speaker 1: witnessing that she does not have the same morals you do.
Speaker 1: So the answer is yeah, that's her morals, that's her compass.
Speaker 1: If she lies to him, she'll lie to you. She'll
Speaker 1: lie to anybody. People who feel no remorse about lying
Speaker 1: in betrayal will do it to anybody to get their
Speaker 1: needs met. Sorry, I wouldn't call her friend. She's a
Speaker 1: friend of me, although I do believe sometimes you better
Speaker 1: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I don't know,
Speaker 1: Just be careful set up some boundaries with this one.
Speaker 1: All right? When we come back, are you worried about
Speaker 1: your marriage or your relationship? Will I've got some four
Speaker 1: serious signs that you're about to divorce. Honestly, you're listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Andndywall showing KFI AM six forty Live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 5: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Andndywall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know,
Speaker 1: I've said it again. I've say it over and over
Speaker 1: and over. I just got married. So you know what
Speaker 1: everyone fears when they get married, that somehow they're going
Speaker 1: to break up. I mean, we already talked about benefar.
Speaker 1: It doesn't always have to be forever. I'm reminding you
Speaker 1: again because I say it over and over that when
Speaker 1: till Death Do us Part was invented, death was pretty
Speaker 1: imminent and marriages aren't necessarily meant to be lifelong. Now,
Speaker 1: for those of you who write me all the time
Speaker 1: and say that yours has been and is and was
Speaker 1: thirty forty years, yay, congratulations. That's so wonderful. But believe
Speaker 1: it or not, you're not the majority. You're actually the minority.
Speaker 1: There are some researchers that I quote a lot on
Speaker 1: this show, doctors John Gottman and Julie Gotman up at
Speaker 1: the University of Washington, and if you're new to my show,
Speaker 1: you're gonna want to listen up. If you've been listening
Speaker 1: for a long time, you're going to want to review.
Speaker 1: It's important four signs that you will divorce. And this
Speaker 1: isn't me like looking into Chris of Ball and just
Speaker 1: going ooh, I see you might divorce. This is looking
Speaker 1: at real research. So this dates back to nineteen ninety two.
Speaker 1: That's when the Gotmins did this ground breaking exploration of
Speaker 1: marriages and divorces. And the way they did it is
Speaker 1: they put couples in a life which you know, it
Speaker 1: looked like a living room, and they just had them
Speaker 1: verbally try to solve a problem. They listened to their language.
Speaker 1: They knew whatever problem they presented to them, they knew
Speaker 1: would create some degree of conflict, all right, And so
Speaker 1: then they had coders. Coders are psychology students who sit
Speaker 1: on the other side of glass and start writing about
Speaker 1: what they said, how they said it, what their body
Speaker 1: language did, were their eye rolls, did they call somebody
Speaker 1: a name?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: And they gave them all values. That's how you create data. Right. Well,
Speaker 1: guess what he published his study in the Journal of
Speaker 1: Family Psychology, and he was actually able he and she
Speaker 1: were able to predict which couples would eventually divorce. Get
Speaker 1: this with a staggering ninety four percent accuracy. So they
Speaker 1: have continued to work with couples. They have continued to
Speaker 1: study couples. This original research still stands today, and they
Speaker 1: call these four things that if they show up during
Speaker 1: any kind of light conflict, they call it the four
Speaker 1: horsemen of the apocalypse. Didn't you recognize that metaphor? It's
Speaker 1: actually something from the New Testament, but that signifies the
Speaker 1: end of times, right, the four horsemen of the apocalypse
Speaker 1: that can predict divorce. They are four behaviors that if
Speaker 1: they're happening in your marriage, even one or two or
Speaker 1: three of them, this can show serious trouble. Remember, these
Speaker 1: researchers were able to look at couples just trying to
Speaker 1: solve a problem together, and then they followed up with them.
Speaker 1: They followed these couples for years and they were able
Speaker 1: to predict with ninety four percent accuracy that they were divorced. Okay,
Speaker 1: let's talk about the four behaviors. Number one they call criticism.
Speaker 1: So criticism is a little different than just complaining about
Speaker 1: something or giving somebody a critique about a mistake they made.
Speaker 1: Criticism is a direct attack on your partner's character, and
Speaker 1: it usually comes along with those sweeping generalizations always and never,
Speaker 1: those words that people shouldn't be saying. So let's use
Speaker 1: the example of let's say one partner goes out after work,
Speaker 1: doesn't call the other partner to say they're going to
Speaker 1: ends up staying out a little late forgets to check in, right,
Speaker 1: So the healthy way to communicate it when the partner
Speaker 1: comes home is, I got really worried when you didn't
Speaker 1: tell me that you were going to be home so late. Right,
Speaker 1: stay it on yourself, keep it on yourself, feelings, feelings,
Speaker 1: I got worried. Now, if you were going to use criticism,
Speaker 1: you would say, you know, you never call me when
Speaker 1: you're going to be late. You're selfish and you don't
Speaker 1: care about my feelings.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: One is criticism and one is healthy communication, all right.
Speaker 1: Number two criticism Number one. Number two defensiveness. So we
Speaker 1: don't like to feel shame, and nobody likes to feel shame.
Speaker 1: So to avoid having the shame of saying I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: you're right, the person being criticized or the one who
Speaker 1: messed up, plays victim or blames the other partner. So
Speaker 1: let's use that same example. Somebody stayed out too late,
Speaker 1: didn't check in. The defensive way is I haven't the sorry.
Speaker 1: The defensive way number one where they're playing the victim
Speaker 1: is I haven't seen my friends in ages. I'm always
Speaker 1: doing what you want to do? Am I not allowed
Speaker 1: to have just one night out?
Speaker 2: Won't you?
Speaker 1: Poor victim never get to go out right? That's the
Speaker 1: defensive way number one. The other is the defensive way
Speaker 1: number two. It blames the partner. Hey, you knew I
Speaker 1: was jamm packed today. You knew I wouldn't have time
Speaker 1: to call. I mean, why didn't you just make plans
Speaker 1: to go out yourself right? All of a sudden, it's
Speaker 1: the person who's worried about the partner who's all to
Speaker 1: blame here. Criticism Defensiveness number three contempt ooh. Contempt is
Speaker 1: the vicious one. It comes either in sarcasm, insults, name calling,
Speaker 1: or disrespectful body language. So how would it be if
Speaker 1: it was sarcastic? Oh, like you couldn't pick up the
Speaker 1: phone to call me to see where I was?
Speaker 3: Mm?
Speaker 1: Hmm, or insults you knew I was out with friends?
Speaker 1: Are you really that insecure? Name calling? What are you
Speaker 1: some kind of tender flower who can't be alone for
Speaker 1: a minute? Do I need to handle you with kid
Speaker 1: gloves or disrespectful body language, eye rolling, sneering, just any
Speaker 1: physical gesture that shows disdain not a good one. This
Speaker 1: is really vicious. And the fourth, according to the Gotmans,
Speaker 1: is the worst of all. It's the one that leads
Speaker 1: the divorce more than anything. Walling. We like to call
Speaker 1: it the silent treatment, where the person just ignores what
Speaker 1: you're saying, changes the subject, walks out of the room,
Speaker 1: turns on the TV. Guess what if somebody is being
Speaker 1: dismissed and ignored, they will eventually find somebody who will listen.
Speaker 1: And that person will be a lover or a lawyer.
Speaker 1: Just letting you know, all right, enough with the bad news.
Speaker 1: When we come back, I've got some signs that your
Speaker 1: partner is not going anywhere. Let's talk about good, healthy
Speaker 1: love when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 5: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 5: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: He love Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Whew,
Speaker 1: that last segment was a downer, scary. You know what,
Speaker 1: I was actually thinking about my new mayor old relationship,
Speaker 1: new marriage. I mean, we've been together four years, but
Speaker 1: and I was thinking about do we do any of
Speaker 1: those things? And I sure hope we don't. I mean,
Speaker 1: I sure hope that there are times when, even when
Speaker 1: we're stressed, that we well, for sure, we never give
Speaker 1: each other the silent treatment. We're both talkers, but you know,
Speaker 1: we don't insult each other. We're not critical in a
Speaker 1: bad way. We try to stay on our own feelings.
Speaker 1: I'm a little better than that than he is. But
Speaker 1: he's learning. He's learning. All right, Let's talk about a
Speaker 1: healthy relationship, a relationship that's not headed for divorce, a
Speaker 1: relationship where you can just relax and trust me that
Speaker 1: everything's going to be okay. What are the hallmarks of
Speaker 1: that relationship. Well, if your partner shows gratitude, you know,
Speaker 1: I must say, I make it a point because I
Speaker 1: took this advice that I heard once upon a time
Speaker 1: on the radio. I always listening to my own advice
Speaker 1: you though, and it is just thank your partner for
Speaker 1: all the little things. Thanks love, oh, thanks for grabbing that,
Speaker 1: thanks for that, thanks, oh, thank you. I say thank
Speaker 1: you probably ten times a day at least to him
Speaker 1: little things. Thank you for turning out that light, thank
Speaker 1: you for putting your dish in the dishwasher, thank you
Speaker 1: water what you want to grow? Right, Show gratitude. If
Speaker 1: your partner's showing gratitude to you, you're good to go. Also,
Speaker 1: unlike the stuff we were talking about last segment with
Speaker 1: the Gotmans, your partner's respectful to you. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: you don't get mad. Okay. There's a difference between feeling
Speaker 1: angry and even yelling and completely blaming criticizing the other person.
Speaker 1: You can be angry and say things like I am
Speaker 1: so frustrated right now, I just can't find that thing,
Speaker 1: and I thought maybe you lost it and I don't
Speaker 1: know where it is. I thought's so mad.
Speaker 2: That's okay.
Speaker 1: People do that, we've all apart sometime. But that's different
Speaker 1: than saying where the heck did you put my It's
Speaker 1: you're always losing things, You're always making life hard for me.
Speaker 1: Different right, blaming the other person, being respectful. Here's how
Speaker 1: you know your partner's not going anywhere. They're giving you
Speaker 1: the most tender thing they have, which is their vulnerability.
Speaker 1: They're opening up to you, and they trust you, and
Speaker 1: you know all their secrets, not that you would ever
Speaker 1: use them as a weapon, because you're trustworthy, but that
Speaker 1: they have. They're showing emotional intimacy and hopefully you are
Speaker 1: showing it back. My favorite one, though, is that you
Speaker 1: and your partner are excited of a future together. You see,
Speaker 1: even a relationship that's in what we would call the
Speaker 1: doldrums of marriage, it's on autopilot. They do their thing,
Speaker 1: You do their thing, You get together, you eat dinner,
Speaker 1: you do your vacations, whatever. Even those relationship chips should
Speaker 1: have moments of anticipation, of planning. The human brain is
Speaker 1: happiest when it's looking forward, when it's full of hope
Speaker 1: and optimism and planning a future, even if the future
Speaker 1: is your next big vacation or the next house you
Speaker 1: might want to buy someday. You know what our fun
Speaker 1: little scrolling exercise is. We may never do it in
Speaker 1: our life. Did you know you could buy like castles
Speaker 1: and chateaus in Europe for like what it costs to
Speaker 1: buy a little teeny tiny bungalow in La Really, And
Speaker 1: I'll be like, look at this one, honey, ten bedrooms,
Speaker 1: ten bathrooms, nine hundred thousand dollars. And so we sort
Speaker 1: of dream and plan about maybe we should just move
Speaker 1: to Europe, you know. But that's the excitement, the excitement
Speaker 1: about thinking of a future together. Another thing I know
Speaker 1: I mentioned that they trust you, but that you both
Speaker 1: trust each other, that you're not worried all the time
Speaker 1: about somebody lying to you or cheating on you. I mean,
Speaker 1: I know from the deepest part of my soul that
Speaker 1: my husband would never tell a lie to me, And
Speaker 1: if he did tell a lie to me, it would
Speaker 1: be a white lie. It would be about a birthday surprise,
Speaker 1: it would be some small thing, right, And because we
Speaker 1: know each other's thoughts. Two more ways that I believe
Speaker 1: are signs that your partner is not going anywhere and
Speaker 1: you should relax. Everything's going to be okay in your relationship.
Speaker 1: One is they want to spend quality time with you.
Speaker 1: Quality time, not just we got to get things done.
Speaker 1: We got errands. We got this. One of our favorite
Speaker 1: sayings in my relationship is when things are like when
Speaker 1: we're doing boring stuff like running errands or the traffic's terrible,
Speaker 1: we just say, well, it doesn't matter because at least
Speaker 1: we're together. And then we reach over and hold hands
Speaker 1: and we laugh because at least we're together. Anything we
Speaker 1: do is quality time together for the two of us.
Speaker 1: But we do want to spend time just being together
Speaker 1: and being alone. It's still hard with all the young
Speaker 1: adult kids were trying to get out of the nest.
Speaker 1: You would not believe the revolving door of boxes and
Speaker 1: so don't even give me anyway. And finally, I say
Speaker 1: that the biggest sign that your partner's not going anywhere
Speaker 1: is they really care about your happiness. They consider your
Speaker 1: needs and what makes you happy. I think I knew
Speaker 1: that Julio and I were in it for the long
Speaker 1: run when even though he used to tease me that
Speaker 1: I like to listen to stand up comedy, I like
Speaker 1: to watch all this comedy specials on Netflix. And one
Speaker 1: day he just surprised me with tickets to a comedy show,
Speaker 1: and guess what, he enjoyed it too. But he thought
Speaker 1: about me and what I like to do my happiness,
Speaker 1: and actually he's done it a few times now. He's
Speaker 1: pretty good that way.
Speaker 3: Uh.
Speaker 1: Oh, I got to think about what brings him happiness. Uh.
Speaker 1: It's always having to do with cars and coffee on
Speaker 1: a Sunday morning and me getting up and going to
Speaker 1: look at some classic cars. That's usually it. I'm always
Speaker 1: but I got to prepare for my show. I got
Speaker 1: studies to read, and he's got let's go look at
Speaker 1: some old cars. That's his favorite thing. It's so simple. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I wish you deep love, commitment, and above all, trust
Speaker 1: and security in your relationships, and that brings the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh Show to a close. I am always here
Speaker 1: for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You
Speaker 1: can also follow me on my social media. The handle
Speaker 1: is at doctor Wendy Walsh or join my Patreon group
Speaker 1: every Wednesday at six o'clock Patreon dot com slash doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. It is always my pleasure to be here
Speaker 1: for you. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh
Speaker 1: Show on KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You
Speaker 1: can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty
Speaker 1: from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app