WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.800 demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You 4 00:00:09.880 --> 00:00:11.839 have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor 5 00:00:11.880 --> 00:00:16.800 Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome my now Instagram followers. 6 00:00:17.079 --> 00:00:20.160 They're now peeking into our studio with me and I 7 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:22.440 have let the phone number out to one eight hundred 8 00:00:22.440 --> 00:00:26.160 and five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred 9 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:27.879 five two zero one five three four. 10 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:28.199 Okay. 11 00:00:28.199 --> 00:00:30.320 Producer Kayla, who do we have online? We have Lydia 12 00:00:30.359 --> 00:00:33.359 with the question Lydia, Hi, Lydia. It's doctor Wendy. 13 00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:38.359 Hi, Doctor Wendy. So my question is in reference to 14 00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:42.439 my grandkids. Uh huh seven my seven year old granddaughter 15 00:00:43.520 --> 00:00:49.119 her parents. Her parents allow her to wear makeup and 16 00:00:49.240 --> 00:00:51.560 that bothers me a lot. She is so only seven, 17 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:54.840 she's gonna wind makeup since she was six, Okay, and 18 00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:58.079 when she's when we go out together, I don't know 19 00:00:58.200 --> 00:01:01.240 her work makeup good. When they come over and visit us, 20 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:03.679 when they go out to the movies and they go 21 00:01:03.719 --> 00:01:07.719 out anywhile she's wearing makeup, and I'm talking about heavy makeup, 22 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:09.480 lips stick, a nice shut wow. 23 00:01:10.000 --> 00:01:13.439 Okay, so Lydia, Lydia, I understand how you feel as 24 00:01:13.439 --> 00:01:17.519 a grandmother that you're seven year old granddaughter that her 25 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:21.079 parents allow her to wear makeup. Now, I assume who's 26 00:01:21.120 --> 00:01:23.239 the kid of yours, the father or the mother? 27 00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:25.239 The father the father? 28 00:01:25.400 --> 00:01:26.599 Have you talked to your son about it? 29 00:01:28.200 --> 00:01:31.400 I have a little bit when I have my granddaughter 30 00:01:31.400 --> 00:01:34.239 and I'm gonna go out with her and she's wearing makeup, 31 00:01:34.760 --> 00:01:37.560 and he's been there with her. I say, for my son, 32 00:01:37.640 --> 00:01:40.159 she cannot wear makeup if I'm taking her out, good 33 00:01:40.200 --> 00:01:41.959 And he's like, no, you're right, you're right, you're right. 34 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:44.879 Good. My aunt takes Okay. So I want you to 35 00:01:44.920 --> 00:01:48.280 help convince him to have more power over his wife's 36 00:01:48.280 --> 00:01:51.319 opinion because obviously she's the one who's pushing it. And 37 00:01:51.400 --> 00:01:54.920 get some data to show that when young girls are sexualized, 38 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:59.439 they're much more likely to become victims of sexual assault. Okay, 39 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:02.760 And so you want to make sure you pull all 40 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:05.719 the data and say I want to protect her. I 41 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:10.080 am so worried that she will be sending the wrong message. 42 00:02:10.120 --> 00:02:12.280 She's seven years old. She's wearing full faces of makeup 43 00:02:12.280 --> 00:02:16.479 when she goes out. And you can also create rules 44 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:19.439 in your own house wherever you have authority, like in 45 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:21.560 your own house or when you're out with her, and 46 00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:26.400 you can explain to the child, here's why people think 47 00:02:26.479 --> 00:02:30.000 you're older. And when they think you're older, they might 48 00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:32.199 treat you older and you might not be ready for 49 00:02:32.280 --> 00:02:34.560 some of the things they might say or do. So 50 00:02:34.680 --> 00:02:37.360 I'm going to protect you and I'm going to keep 51 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:40.560 you safe by washing your face before we go out. 52 00:02:40.759 --> 00:02:43.560 Because you are supposed to be a little girl. So 53 00:02:43.639 --> 00:02:45.840 you use the authority that you have, Lydia in the 54 00:02:45.919 --> 00:02:49.680 space that you have to help educate the girl, and 55 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:52.560 then you also educate your son, and then that's about 56 00:02:52.599 --> 00:02:54.800 all you can do. Thank you so much for calling Lydia. 57 00:02:54.879 --> 00:02:57.719 Oh that is heartbreaking. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do 58 00:02:57.719 --> 00:02:59.479 we have next? We have Peter with the question. 59 00:02:59.599 --> 00:02:59.840 Peter. 60 00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:01.719 Hi, Peter, it's doctor Wendy. 61 00:03:03.360 --> 00:03:06.599 Oh, Hi, doctor Wendy. Yeah, I'm gonna join your show. 62 00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:10.520 And my question is or or you know, I just 63 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:14.039 want to kind of think about situation. So you know, 64 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:16.919 me and my wife are married for about seven years, right, 65 00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:21.479 and then recently just the beginning, like like you know, 66 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:23.759 right at the beginning this year, we started having some 67 00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.639 some problems that issues she started. So it started off 68 00:03:26.680 --> 00:03:29.120 she uh quit her job and started a new job. 69 00:03:29.159 --> 00:03:33.439 And then when she started that job, you know, things 70 00:03:33.479 --> 00:03:35.159 has got against complex. 71 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:38.439 Why what what caused the relationship problems? Because your wife 72 00:03:38.439 --> 00:03:41.560 got a new job. What do you think what changed her? 73 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:44.560 Well, there's a few things, you know, So like I 74 00:03:44.639 --> 00:03:47.199 was dealing with some family problems, so I got like 75 00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:49.919 like really really depressed, but you know, I wasn't like 76 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:52.439 lashing out or anything. And then she will start a 77 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:55.639 new job, and then she started reacting to me, m 78 00:03:56.520 --> 00:03:59.479 to my depression. You know, I'm kind of like moping 79 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:02.319 around the house. But I wasn't like, you know, being 80 00:04:02.360 --> 00:04:05.319 abusive or you know, mean or anything like that. I 81 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:07.840 was just kind of keeping to myself. So she started 82 00:04:07.840 --> 00:04:10.719 reacting to that. And then and then part of it reaction, 83 00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:12.800 she was like say things like you need to go 84 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.479 see a therapist, but not in a loving label, but 85 00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:16.720 like kind of an offensive way. 86 00:04:16.839 --> 00:04:20.920 And then did you realize that it was time for 87 00:04:20.959 --> 00:04:23.120 you to take some responsibility for your mental health and 88 00:04:23.160 --> 00:04:24.000 see a therapist? 89 00:04:25.279 --> 00:04:27.759 Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I'm you know, I'm I'm I'm all 90 00:04:27.800 --> 00:04:30.839 about that. I see it. It's not a problem. 91 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:33.079 So Peter, let's let's cut to the chase. What's the 92 00:04:33.199 --> 00:04:35.199 question you'd like me to ask answer for you? 93 00:04:36.439 --> 00:04:36.639 Right? 94 00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:39.160 So, so you know that was kind of like the 95 00:04:39.160 --> 00:04:43.160 background of it, right, the contact, so so so you 96 00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:46.360 know because of that we split up, right and so 97 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:50.279 now yeah, yeah, I actually end up moving at the house. 98 00:04:50.319 --> 00:04:53.639 So so what ended up happening was she started, you know, 99 00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:57.079 she started working late, and you know, I try to 100 00:04:57.360 --> 00:04:58.920 call it, she want to turn her call. She didn't 101 00:04:58.920 --> 00:05:00.920 get home till eleven thirty. 102 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.160 So what what's your question? What's your question? 103 00:05:04.560 --> 00:05:07.360 So, so, you know, so now we're in a place 104 00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:10.519 where you know, it's spent several months and then things 105 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:14.000 kind of cool down. So we're talking about, you know, 106 00:05:14.199 --> 00:05:17.040 working things out, getting a you know, getting a couple 107 00:05:17.040 --> 00:05:17.360 of stuff. 108 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:19.360 Are you asking me, is it possible? 109 00:05:21.279 --> 00:05:25.480 Well, I mean I'm a little bit nervous about it. 110 00:05:25.480 --> 00:05:27.519 I just kind of just wanted to see what your 111 00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:28.879 response to that whole scenario. 112 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:32.800 I think that at any point in a couple's relationship, 113 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:36.279 even if they are separated, if as you said, things 114 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:40.639 have calmed down a bit. You you have a possibility 115 00:05:40.759 --> 00:05:43.480 of rekindling. And the way you do it is the 116 00:05:43.519 --> 00:05:46.040 two of you go to therapy. Even if that therapy 117 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:50.399 turns into closure therapy, it means that nothing is left unsaid. 118 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:53.959 It means that the two of you can talk about 119 00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:58.560 what you were really feeling at the time and do 120 00:05:58.680 --> 00:06:03.079 some conscious uncoupling or do some conscious recoupling. But you 121 00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:05.439 won't know until you get in a room together with 122 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:08.959 a licensed therapist to try to work that out. And Peter, 123 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:11.920 I commend you for even wanting to do that. I 124 00:06:11.959 --> 00:06:15.839 think it's wonderful. Thank you for calling. All right, we 125 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:17.639 have time for one more real quick Who we have? 126 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:18.839 We have Rick with a question? 127 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:19.199 Rick? 128 00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:21.800 Hi, Rick, very little time. What's your question? Love. 129 00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:28.519 I'm going through a divorce twenty eight years yeah, and 130 00:06:30.040 --> 00:06:32.920 so knowing intimacy for the last ten years at all. 131 00:06:33.720 --> 00:06:36.920 So I started. I looked on on dating at I 132 00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:41.160 found somebody just wondering if that's wrong to start dating 133 00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:43.079 Sundry before the final divorce. 134 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:48.000 H you have my full permission to find pleasure and love. 135 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:53.639 Divorce usually happens emotionally many years before the actual divorce 136 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.839 is filed, and while you may have I don't know 137 00:06:56.959 --> 00:06:59.800 religious beliefs or legal beliefs about oh, everything's got to 138 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:02.639 be before I date anyone else. If you have not 139 00:07:02.759 --> 00:07:06.199 had sex with your wife in ten years as a layperson, 140 00:07:06.319 --> 00:07:08.920 you have my full permission to go out there and 141 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:12.759 have a fabulous time. It sounds like you deserve love, Rick, 142 00:07:13.160 --> 00:07:15.240 and good luck to you through this terrible time. I 143 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:18.000 know it's hard, but things are going to get better. 144 00:07:18.040 --> 00:07:20.360 On the other side, you will see. Thanks for calling, 145 00:07:20.839 --> 00:07:22.360 all right, when we come back, I'm actually going to 146 00:07:22.399 --> 00:07:24.360 go to social media because so many people have sent 147 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:27.680 me dms at the same time. You can always go 148 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:30.959 onto my Instagram or TikTok and at Dr Wendy Walsh 149 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:33.199 and send me a DM. If we don't get to 150 00:07:33.240 --> 00:07:35.519 answer the question this week, we will use it next 151 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:38.240 week or a week later. But thanks for being here. 152 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:41.399 When we come back, let's head to social media. You're 153 00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:43.959 listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM 154 00:07:44.000 --> 00:07:46.920 six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 155 00:07:48.120 --> 00:07:52.319 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 156 00:07:52.560 --> 00:07:53.480 AM six forty. 157 00:07:54.600 --> 00:07:56.920 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 158 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:00.560 AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I 159 00:08:00.600 --> 00:08:03.720 want to head to social media because I know these 160 00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:07.920 are tender personal things and I always get really juicy dms. 161 00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:10.759 So you are welcome to send me a DM on 162 00:08:11.160 --> 00:08:14.360 any of my socials. The handle everywhere is at d 163 00:08:14.519 --> 00:08:16.959 R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let me 164 00:08:16.959 --> 00:08:21.600 head in there. Here's the first listener question. Hey, doctor Wendy, 165 00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:24.560 what does it mean when a guy tells you he's 166 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.199 not ready for a relationship, but when he is, he'll 167 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:32.120 come back to you. Is he telling me the truth? Okay, 168 00:08:32.519 --> 00:08:34.799 it's amazing that you met a guy that is that 169 00:08:34.960 --> 00:08:39.320 self aware. Actually he's basically saying, hey, I think you're great. 170 00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:42.159 I'm not ready, and yeah he means it, and yet 171 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:44.600 it's the truth. I mean, you might not be available 172 00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:47.840 when his state of readiness happens. Let me explain something 173 00:08:47.879 --> 00:08:52.840 to you. When women meet in their mind the one, 174 00:08:53.399 --> 00:08:55.399 even though I promise you there are many ones out there, 175 00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:58.399 but the person they regard as being a perfect match 176 00:08:58.440 --> 00:09:03.039 for them will do anything to keep that relationship. They 177 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:05.399 will change they will move to a new city, they 178 00:09:05.440 --> 00:09:09.000 will change jobs to be near him. They will organize 179 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:15.240 their whole life around this relationship. Because women are very relational. 180 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:19.600 You can argue whether that's culture, whether that's nature. I 181 00:09:19.639 --> 00:09:24.320 don't know. Men, on the other hand, hit a certain 182 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:27.840 state of readiness in their life, and that state of 183 00:09:27.879 --> 00:09:30.960 readiness may have to do with their age, the amount 184 00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:36.039 of education they've accumulated, where they are in their career, 185 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:40.039 what's happening in their peer group, if their friends are 186 00:09:40.080 --> 00:09:43.879 all getting married, And then when they hit their state 187 00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:47.480 of readiness. Sorry, ladies, I know you think you're really special, 188 00:09:47.960 --> 00:09:50.960 but they pretty much take whoever's up at bat. Whatever 189 00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:53.679 woman happens to be in his life when he hits 190 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:56.600 a state of readiness gets to be the wife. I'm sorry, 191 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:59.360 that's how it works with dudes. It's just very different. 192 00:10:00.039 --> 00:10:02.840 So here's a self aware guy who basically says, I'm 193 00:10:02.879 --> 00:10:05.679 not at my state of readiness yet. I really really 194 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:08.840 like you wish I was. But hey, if you're single, 195 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:12.480 when I am, I'll reach out. So what should you do? 196 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:16.480 Don't sit around and wait for him? Please, you might 197 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:18.159 be a little old lady by the time he's a 198 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:21.360 state of rediness. You just don't know, so you should 199 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:24.039 go on with your life. Take it as a compliment. 200 00:10:24.320 --> 00:10:26.519 You're a wonderful catch. He just told you you're a 201 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:30.279 wonderful catch, but you went the wrong direction. Dude isn't ready, 202 00:10:30.840 --> 00:10:34.559 so don't be hurt. It's a compliment. Move on, lose 203 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:37.320 all hope. Okay, lose all hope, and yes, he is 204 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:40.440 telling you the truth to answer your question. All right. 205 00:10:42.279 --> 00:10:47.559 This listener says, I'm dating a guy whose job requires 206 00:10:47.720 --> 00:10:50.399 a lot of business trips. It's hard to build a 207 00:10:50.440 --> 00:10:54.120 relationship this way. Is it possible to have a successful 208 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:58.519 relationship when we only see each other once a month? Well, 209 00:10:58.519 --> 00:11:02.960 my answer is it on how much contact you're having 210 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:07.120 and the quality of the communication every day in between 211 00:11:07.240 --> 00:11:10.200 those once a month meetings. The research on long distance 212 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:16.279 relationship shows that if you're being actually intimate, if you will, 213 00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:19.960 if you're being vulnerable and honest, and your true feelings 214 00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:23.399 are coming out and you're connecting throughout the day and 215 00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:27.279 you're facetiming at night, then you can grow a relationship 216 00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:30.399 in a long distance way. But if somebody goes into 217 00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:34.320 a little compartment a capsule in another city and then 218 00:11:34.399 --> 00:11:36.480 dips back in and expects you to just come up 219 00:11:36.519 --> 00:11:39.559 to speed, no, you can't build a relationship that way. 220 00:11:40.600 --> 00:11:45.120 So it depends how he behaves when he's traveling on business. 221 00:11:45.559 --> 00:11:47.840 Is he trying to continue to build the relationship with you? 222 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:50.039 Like years and years ago, I remember going out with 223 00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:52.919 this guy and whenever he would travel, he literally never 224 00:11:53.080 --> 00:11:54.879 like that. It was as if there were no phones 225 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:57.759 in New York City. He never called, never texts anything. 226 00:11:57.799 --> 00:11:59.720 And then he come back and just pick up where 227 00:12:00.039 --> 00:12:02.840 and it drove me crazy. Clearly it didn't go anywhere, 228 00:12:03.000 --> 00:12:04.799 didn't go anywhere all right? 229 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:05.519 Moving on? 230 00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:07.600 Oh, we have a lot of women writing to me today. 231 00:12:08.559 --> 00:12:12.840 Dear doctor Wendy, Is it true that a man expresses 232 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:16.559 his love through his money? If he's spending a lot 233 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:20.080 on you, he really cares. I'm dating a guy who 234 00:12:20.080 --> 00:12:23.679 buys me anything I want ooo, but he doesn't do 235 00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:27.600 anything outside of that, no sweet compliments, doesn't show much 236 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:30.120 care about my personal life. He spends a lot of 237 00:12:30.159 --> 00:12:33.679 money on me. Does this money equate to his love? Okay? 238 00:12:34.080 --> 00:12:36.879 Want to remind everybody that we all have a different 239 00:12:36.919 --> 00:12:39.759 model for love insides our heads, and love to one 240 00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:42.399 person is not the same as love to another person, 241 00:12:42.639 --> 00:12:47.240 So there isn't just one version of love. However, if 242 00:12:47.279 --> 00:12:52.000 he's being material and not able to be emotional, then 243 00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:54.960 it sounds like he can't give you the kind of 244 00:12:55.039 --> 00:12:58.600 love that you need. That makes sense with your definition 245 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:01.879 of love. To tell you a similar story years ago, 246 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:04.840 when I was single, this guy on a third date 247 00:13:05.559 --> 00:13:10.320 love bombed me with a Cardier watch and almost feel 248 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:16.080 like that watch was a Harburger. Harbinger is that the 249 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:19.039 right word. It was a warning about what was coming, 250 00:13:19.399 --> 00:13:20.720 like I'm going to bring you a lot of pain, 251 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:22.799 but you're gonna hang in there because I started off 252 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:25.279 with something big and he did spend a lot of 253 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:27.519 money on me, and I did hang in there longer 254 00:13:27.559 --> 00:13:31.120 than I should have because nothing else was available. No 255 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:36.039 emotions were available, right, and there was also some criticism 256 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:39.639 and all that kind of stuff. So anyway, if you're 257 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:43.200 not getting what you want and deserve in terms of 258 00:13:44.120 --> 00:13:49.480 emotional connection, then even if he thinks spending money on 259 00:13:49.519 --> 00:13:52.360 you is showing love, it doesn't feel like love to you. 260 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:55.360 So you should move along. I mean, ask him first 261 00:13:55.360 --> 00:14:00.120 to give him the things you really desire, good communication, vulnerability, 262 00:14:00.360 --> 00:14:02.919 his feelings, and if he can't, then you got to 263 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:05.600 let go of those golden handcuffs. I mean, people have 264 00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:08.000 stayed in those golden handcuffs for years. I don't know 265 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.519 how they do it. That's not me, but it is possible. 266 00:14:10.919 --> 00:14:13.639 But it's up to you. Uh Okay, I think we 267 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:16.360 have time for wal Mark. Dear doctor Wendy. I have 268 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:19.519 a new friend. She lies to her boyfriend and cheats 269 00:14:19.519 --> 00:14:22.200 on him a lot. Is this indicative of the type 270 00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:26.240 of friends she will be with me? So you are 271 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:31.200 both just friends, platonic girl to girl friends, and you're 272 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:34.919 witnessing that she does not have the same morals you do. 273 00:14:35.960 --> 00:14:40.200 So the answer is yeah, that's her morals, that's her compass. 274 00:14:40.440 --> 00:14:42.000 If she lies to him, she'll lie to you. She'll 275 00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:44.960 lie to anybody. People who feel no remorse about lying 276 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:47.159 in betrayal will do it to anybody to get their 277 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:50.879 needs met. Sorry, I wouldn't call her friend. She's a 278 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:53.879 friend of me, although I do believe sometimes you better 279 00:14:54.039 --> 00:14:57.080 keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I don't know, 280 00:14:57.440 --> 00:15:00.159 Just be careful set up some boundaries with this one. 281 00:15:00.320 --> 00:15:05.240 All right? When we come back, are you worried about 282 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:08.200 your marriage or your relationship? Will I've got some four 283 00:15:08.679 --> 00:15:14.279 serious signs that you're about to divorce. Honestly, you're listening 284 00:15:14.279 --> 00:15:16.919 to the Doctor Andndywall showing KFI AM six forty Live 285 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:18.600 everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 286 00:15:19.000 --> 00:15:23.200 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 287 00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:25.159 AM six forty. 288 00:15:25.240 --> 00:15:28.360 Welcome back to the Doctor Andndywall Show on KFI AM 289 00:15:28.360 --> 00:15:32.679 six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know, 290 00:15:32.720 --> 00:15:34.519 I've said it again. I've say it over and over 291 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:36.120 and over. I just got married. So you know what 292 00:15:36.159 --> 00:15:38.919 everyone fears when they get married, that somehow they're going 293 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:41.039 to break up. I mean, we already talked about benefar. 294 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:44.600 It doesn't always have to be forever. I'm reminding you 295 00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:47.559 again because I say it over and over that when 296 00:15:47.720 --> 00:15:51.519 till Death Do us Part was invented, death was pretty 297 00:15:51.559 --> 00:15:55.919 imminent and marriages aren't necessarily meant to be lifelong. Now, 298 00:15:55.960 --> 00:15:57.519 for those of you who write me all the time 299 00:15:57.559 --> 00:15:59.639 and say that yours has been and is and was 300 00:15:59.679 --> 00:16:04.559 thirty forty years, yay, congratulations. That's so wonderful. But believe 301 00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:09.000 it or not, you're not the majority. You're actually the minority. 302 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:14.320 There are some researchers that I quote a lot on 303 00:16:14.399 --> 00:16:20.159 this show, doctors John Gottman and Julie Gotman up at 304 00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:24.519 the University of Washington, and if you're new to my show, 305 00:16:24.919 --> 00:16:27.840 you're gonna want to listen up. If you've been listening 306 00:16:27.879 --> 00:16:30.559 for a long time, you're going to want to review. 307 00:16:30.919 --> 00:16:36.960 It's important four signs that you will divorce. And this 308 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:39.000 isn't me like looking into Chris of Ball and just 309 00:16:39.039 --> 00:16:43.200 going ooh, I see you might divorce. This is looking 310 00:16:43.240 --> 00:16:48.360 at real research. So this dates back to nineteen ninety two. 311 00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:55.159 That's when the Gotmins did this ground breaking exploration of 312 00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:58.080 marriages and divorces. And the way they did it is 313 00:16:58.120 --> 00:17:01.679 they put couples in a life which you know, it 314 00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:03.799 looked like a living room, and they just had them 315 00:17:03.840 --> 00:17:08.039 verbally try to solve a problem. They listened to their language. 316 00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:11.920 They knew whatever problem they presented to them, they knew 317 00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:15.759 would create some degree of conflict, all right, And so 318 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:19.000 then they had coders. Coders are psychology students who sit 319 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:22.480 on the other side of glass and start writing about 320 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:24.920 what they said, how they said it, what their body 321 00:17:25.000 --> 00:17:28.000 language did, were their eye rolls, did they call somebody 322 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:28.480 a name? 323 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:28.960 Right? 324 00:17:29.240 --> 00:17:34.799 And they gave them all values. That's how you create data. Right. Well, 325 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:37.839 guess what he published his study in the Journal of 326 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:40.480 Family Psychology, and he was actually able he and she 327 00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:44.559 were able to predict which couples would eventually divorce. Get 328 00:17:44.599 --> 00:17:51.440 this with a staggering ninety four percent accuracy. So they 329 00:17:51.440 --> 00:17:54.960 have continued to work with couples. They have continued to 330 00:17:55.079 --> 00:18:01.000 study couples. This original research still stands today, and they 331 00:18:01.000 --> 00:18:04.160 call these four things that if they show up during 332 00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:08.640 any kind of light conflict, they call it the four 333 00:18:08.680 --> 00:18:13.119 horsemen of the apocalypse. Didn't you recognize that metaphor? It's 334 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:15.839 actually something from the New Testament, but that signifies the 335 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:20.480 end of times, right, the four horsemen of the apocalypse 336 00:18:20.799 --> 00:18:24.920 that can predict divorce. They are four behaviors that if 337 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:28.720 they're happening in your marriage, even one or two or 338 00:18:28.759 --> 00:18:32.440 three of them, this can show serious trouble. Remember, these 339 00:18:32.839 --> 00:18:35.960 researchers were able to look at couples just trying to 340 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:39.559 solve a problem together, and then they followed up with them. 341 00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:41.880 They followed these couples for years and they were able 342 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:46.200 to predict with ninety four percent accuracy that they were divorced. Okay, 343 00:18:46.279 --> 00:18:51.599 let's talk about the four behaviors. Number one they call criticism. 344 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:55.519 So criticism is a little different than just complaining about 345 00:18:55.559 --> 00:19:00.319 something or giving somebody a critique about a mistake they made. 346 00:19:00.400 --> 00:19:05.799 Criticism is a direct attack on your partner's character, and 347 00:19:06.119 --> 00:19:10.640 it usually comes along with those sweeping generalizations always and never, 348 00:19:10.759 --> 00:19:13.799 those words that people shouldn't be saying. So let's use 349 00:19:13.839 --> 00:19:18.480 the example of let's say one partner goes out after work, 350 00:19:19.000 --> 00:19:21.440 doesn't call the other partner to say they're going to 351 00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:25.839 ends up staying out a little late forgets to check in, right, 352 00:19:26.440 --> 00:19:28.839 So the healthy way to communicate it when the partner 353 00:19:28.839 --> 00:19:33.720 comes home is, I got really worried when you didn't 354 00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:36.279 tell me that you were going to be home so late. Right, 355 00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:39.440 stay it on yourself, keep it on yourself, feelings, feelings, 356 00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:42.799 I got worried. Now, if you were going to use criticism, 357 00:19:43.200 --> 00:19:46.000 you would say, you know, you never call me when 358 00:19:46.039 --> 00:19:48.359 you're going to be late. You're selfish and you don't 359 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:49.839 care about my feelings. 360 00:19:50.279 --> 00:19:50.440 Right. 361 00:19:51.039 --> 00:19:55.920 One is criticism and one is healthy communication, all right. 362 00:19:56.000 --> 00:20:02.000 Number two criticism Number one. Number two defensiveness. So we 363 00:20:02.079 --> 00:20:04.359 don't like to feel shame, and nobody likes to feel shame. 364 00:20:04.680 --> 00:20:08.119 So to avoid having the shame of saying I'm sorry, 365 00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:12.359 you're right, the person being criticized or the one who 366 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.960 messed up, plays victim or blames the other partner. So 367 00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:20.599 let's use that same example. Somebody stayed out too late, 368 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:26.400 didn't check in. The defensive way is I haven't the sorry. 369 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:28.880 The defensive way number one where they're playing the victim 370 00:20:29.200 --> 00:20:33.599 is I haven't seen my friends in ages. I'm always 371 00:20:33.640 --> 00:20:36.160 doing what you want to do? Am I not allowed 372 00:20:36.200 --> 00:20:37.519 to have just one night out? 373 00:20:37.799 --> 00:20:38.119 Won't you? 374 00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:41.400 Poor victim never get to go out right? That's the 375 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:45.599 defensive way number one. The other is the defensive way 376 00:20:45.680 --> 00:20:49.200 number two. It blames the partner. Hey, you knew I 377 00:20:49.240 --> 00:20:51.400 was jamm packed today. You knew I wouldn't have time 378 00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:53.119 to call. I mean, why didn't you just make plans 379 00:20:53.119 --> 00:20:56.160 to go out yourself right? All of a sudden, it's 380 00:20:56.279 --> 00:20:59.519 the person who's worried about the partner who's all to 381 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:07.640 blame here. Criticism Defensiveness number three contempt ooh. Contempt is 382 00:21:07.640 --> 00:21:13.319 the vicious one. It comes either in sarcasm, insults, name calling, 383 00:21:13.880 --> 00:21:17.279 or disrespectful body language. So how would it be if 384 00:21:17.319 --> 00:21:20.640 it was sarcastic? Oh, like you couldn't pick up the 385 00:21:20.680 --> 00:21:22.319 phone to call me to see where I was? 386 00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:23.319 Mm? 387 00:21:23.359 --> 00:21:27.400 Hmm, or insults you knew I was out with friends? 388 00:21:27.799 --> 00:21:33.279 Are you really that insecure? Name calling? What are you 389 00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:35.599 some kind of tender flower who can't be alone for 390 00:21:35.640 --> 00:21:37.720 a minute? Do I need to handle you with kid 391 00:21:37.799 --> 00:21:45.839 gloves or disrespectful body language, eye rolling, sneering, just any 392 00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:50.160 physical gesture that shows disdain not a good one. This 393 00:21:50.240 --> 00:21:54.480 is really vicious. And the fourth, according to the Gotmans, 394 00:21:54.920 --> 00:21:57.400 is the worst of all. It's the one that leads 395 00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:01.960 the divorce more than anything. Walling. We like to call 396 00:22:02.000 --> 00:22:05.759 it the silent treatment, where the person just ignores what 397 00:22:05.799 --> 00:22:08.079 you're saying, changes the subject, walks out of the room, 398 00:22:08.119 --> 00:22:12.240 turns on the TV. Guess what if somebody is being 399 00:22:12.279 --> 00:22:16.799 dismissed and ignored, they will eventually find somebody who will listen. 400 00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:20.519 And that person will be a lover or a lawyer. 401 00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:24.839