Speaker 1: Hey guys, thanks for checking out this episode of Good
Morning from Hell. You can also subscribe and download the
latest episode wherever you get podcasts.
Speaker 2: Good Morning from Hell. I'm Kris Dea Maris and I
died recently and my punishment is to do a podcast
for All Eternity with my co host me Clayton. Chris.
Speaker 3: I'm concerned you said that same first sentence several times.
Speaker 4: People are gonna think that you're like a broken record.
Speaker 2: Well, you're supposed to kind of give the premise of
the podcast. I didn't even finish. What do we do
on this podcast?
Speaker 4: Oh, we interview all sorts of folks from around Hell.
Speaker 3: You know, you're stuck down here for all eternity, So
we're gonna interview every single person in the underworld.
Speaker 2: Until there's no one left.
Speaker 3: Spoiler alert, it's going to be an ongoing process because
people keep dying.
Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, is there what happens when the world
ends and there's no more death.
Speaker 3: We've talked about the idea of reincarnation, so we could
probably you know, I think Satan and God might work
something out there.
Speaker 4: You know, we also got all the aliens.
Speaker 2: Aliens.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you didn't know that there's a no. No, they're
all over the place area fifty one. You didn't you
didn't look into that.
Speaker 2: Do they come to Hell? Do they have their own Well,
they're religious, yeah, So if they're not religious, they just
nothing happens.
Speaker 5: Is that?
Speaker 2: How does that work? Well, they have their own version
of Hell.
Speaker 3: But then if they partake in, like, you know, earthly religions,
then you know, we kind of classify them based off
of that.
Speaker 2: I should introduce you to an alien. They're really nice. Yeah,
I think that'd be a good guess to have.
Speaker 3: In fact, they do this thing where they'll lay an
egg and then a thing comes out. It sticks to
your face, and then it focks your face and then
and then you give birth to the baby alien.
Speaker 2: Yeah, aliens? What do you mean? That's like from a movie?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Do they they adapted that on the Earth?
Speaker 5: Realne?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I mean I assumed it was just
an original thing. Weird.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: I think Redley Scott died briefly and then he saw
that happen, and then he stole the idea.
Speaker 2: He's so wait, he died to come to Hell to
see an alien even though they're aliens on Earth. It's
all a roundabout way to learn about aliens. Yeah, I know,
but he made a lot of money worked out for him. Yeah,
I guess so. Yeah, but then you know, like Prometheus
happens and then you know he's definitely coming back for
that one. Yeah. I don't know aliens, though they're great,
I believe. How does an alien sin? I mean the
usual ways, murder, theft, leaving the toilet seed up, you know, all.
Speaker 4: Sorts of ways.
Speaker 2: If they get birth. The only way they get birth
is by laying an egg in someone's stomach and it
kills him. Is that kind of a murder.
Speaker 3: No, that's a circle life baby. Oh yeah, you know
that happens. Sometimes they find.
Speaker 2: People who are willing, you know, they're like, oh yeah,
I will be your capsule.
Speaker 4: And then and then it goes from there. Elvis, that
was one of them.
Speaker 2: What Yeah, there's you're seeing the singing alien around Hell.
Speaker 3: It's Elvis's baby. Oh yeah, he's a proud father.
Speaker 2: I bet.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah. We got an email uh to uh sweet good
morning from hell hotmail at hotmail dot com. It's a
guy named Zach and he said he reached out about
wondering if he could sponsor the podcast because he wants
to support it even though he doesn't have a corporation
or a brand. Hmm, that's very nice to be. So
is that a thing? And that is that a thing?
Speaker 3: Well, there's several ways that you can support our podcast. Uh,
one of which is too you know. The easiest one
is to just donate your soul. Oh okay, yeah, you
just send it down, we keep it, we store it up.
It fuels our hell engines.
Speaker 2: How much energy does a soul run?
Speaker 3: Well, we haven't really you know, gone green yet, so
it's it's kind of like a diesel engine. It takes
a lot of souls. So that's why we're so busy
up there on the Earthrome.
Speaker 2: Uh huh.
Speaker 3: Anyways, Yeah, so you can donate our soul, that'd be cool,
or you can you know, do the other things, like
you can like subscribe your channel, tell your friends.
Speaker 2: Telling people about the podcast would actually be probably the
most beneficial.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it also be cool too, because like I went acolytes,
you know, like there's like all these Satanists and stuff.
Speaker 4: We need Claytonists, that's what we need.
Speaker 2: Acolytes. Yeah, like like followers, it's a big word that
I thought you were saying I thought you were mispronouncing accolade.
No you want an award? I was like, no, acolyte, No,
we already have all the accolades from hell because we're
the number one podcast. Okay, yeah, so we were award
winning now, m m yeah, award winning podcast.
Speaker 1: We win.
Speaker 2: Oh we won a Grammy. A Grammy? Yeah, just a Grammy. Yeah,
it's not like a Grammy or something.
Speaker 4: No, there's no stupid name, Chris, it's just a Grammy.
Speaker 2: You got one. So I didn't know they gave him
out to the podcast, So did you. There's a copy
we're going to give course in the mouth. Chris.
Speaker 3: All right, you got a Grammy. You should be happy.
That's more than you ever did on the earth realm.
If you're alive right now, you wouldn't be getting any Grammys.
I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 2: Yeah, brewster teeth.
Speaker 3: So yeah, Zach, you know, whatever you want to do,
donate your soul, tell your friends. Get me some acolytes
so that we can get more accolades. Get Chris a
dictionary so he knows what the fuck he's talking about.
Talking at his ass. I knew the words, both of them.
Speaker 2: Oh, I just thought you did a big boy all right,
But if you would like to ask us more questions,
we've got. We got our hot mail what is it? Chris,
good morning from Hell at hotmail? See it with a
little bit more good morning from Hell at hot mail.
There you go, all right?
Speaker 3: And then we also got a hal Clayton sixty nine
on Twitter and Instagram.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well, what else is new? Nothing? I don't don't,
I know, I know what you're gonna say.
Speaker 3: What you did some creepy stocky shit with Hell and Keller.
Speaker 2: We just held hands. Oh my god, we just held hands.
But that was a big deal for us.
Speaker 3: Question did she hold your hand because you're helping her
across the street?
Speaker 2: Or did was it a romantic? It was a romantic.
I think it was an innocent handholding. That's good. So
who's our guests? Well, here's the thing.
Speaker 3: You know, the podcast has actually been doing really well,
especially down here in Hell number one podcast, but it's
also doing really well up in an earth realm. People
are enjoying it just a little too much, and we
want to We want to cause like a little bit more,
you know, chaos and suffering. So I decided to bring
a Grimlin on to cause a little old mischief.
Speaker 5: That's not mischief as I just doing a funny noise. Hey,
how's it going, Clayton and Chris Chris, I'm glad to
meet you. By the way, I'm Dorfus. I'm a task Grimlin. Task.
I'm a task Krimlin.
Speaker 2: What kind of tasks do you do?
Speaker 5: Whatever day? You hire me on the app for Uh,
you've heard a task rabbit. It's like that. It's called Grimmler,
And if you want to annoy someone, you can search
by h. I have the lowest number of stars Grimler.
That's why I'm here. Yeah, good for me, it is.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's fantastic.
Speaker 5: Bad for you to get no stars. You can't even
drive an uber with under four stars?
Speaker 2: Oh wow.
Speaker 5: Yeah. To be have zero stars on an app like
Grimmler is uh. I mean, I don't want toot my
own horn here, but I will if it's annoying.
Speaker 2: That's impressive. So who's.
Speaker 5: All right?
Speaker 2: It worked?
Speaker 3: So got a brother, this guy boardy, I've heard nothing
but the best, the best or of the worst.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the worst. He's the best of being the worst.
Speaker 5: I don't want to brag, but I've got Yeah, I've
I've done a few things in my day.
Speaker 2: Well what have you done there?
Speaker 5: Oh recently? Uh, let me go through some of my
greatest hits. Uh you know USB cables? Oh yeah, you
never know how to plug him in? Yeah, that was
I did that. You know hangnails and I invented those
you invented?
Speaker 2: Damn? What's the how did you do that?
Speaker 5: What do you mean? How did I do it?
Speaker 2: How did you you? Just?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: What cut?
Speaker 5: I crawl into your bed at night? I get very small,
as you know, grimlins can be can be bigger. I
didn't like going with the tiny knife if I don't
have a knie. But she's used my little talons and
I just drip part of your fingernail in an inconvenient way,
or if I'm feeling especially egregious, I'll do your toe.
You know how many socks have holes in them because
of this guy right here, because of the dowarfice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a trade secret, Chris.
Speaker 3: That's like you just like walked up to the Colonel
sanders An As for the chickens, Yeah, that's that's you
keep that to yourself, all right, that doesn't get it.
This isn't leave this room except for this podcast is
life serve, but and I'll heart it.
Speaker 2: So go again. Great, it's great. That's gonna be a
great recurring bit for this podcast.
Speaker 5: So now I'll never do it again.
Speaker 2: So for people is audio podcast? How would you describe
the way you look? I mean, you're what about three feet?
Speaker 5: I choose to be three feet in my current form. Yes,
I look like my name Dorfous. I look like a Dorfus.
Speaker 2: Gotcha. I thought that yours would be, uh like the
Big bat Ears, but those are like you think.
Speaker 5: I'm not like a house elve or something. It's not
Harry Potter.
Speaker 2: Dude, I don't know, Chris, I don't know. I'm thinking, yeah,
I don't know. I mean I'm thinking more like the
movie you.
Speaker 5: Think like, I've run around a cute little guy named Gizmo.
Do I look cute to you?
Speaker 2: No, it's pretty weird looking.
Speaker 5: Do you remember when you you were eating that burrito
yesterday and you found a puba cair in it?
Speaker 2: Uh huh it.
Speaker 5: Was me And I thought, see I was like a
because I thought, see I did do it again? Though
you thought I wouldn't. I said I would not know. Yeah, yeah,
got your guard. I flipped the script on you.
Speaker 2: That's it. And see I thought a brito was a
treat and then it comes to find out it was
just covered in pubes. Yeah, just mostly pube.
Speaker 4: Yeah, not just any pubes dorfs pubes.
Speaker 5: As a matter of fact, you may not realize right now.
You think maybe you're coming down with a cold. You've
got to scratch you in your throat. H that's the
that's the puba carre I inserted earlier this morning.
Speaker 3: And you did it like it like hair transplant too,
Like it is actually growing in there.
Speaker 5: Yeah. No, it's a curly pube that's growing in the
back of your in your throat.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the hair follicle is in there, so that's not
gonna go away.
Speaker 5: No, no, it actually it will go away if you
pluck it, but it will be uh that will grow
three more, and each one of those will grow three more.
So you can live with one curly pube in the
back of your throat, or if you want to do
something about it, you can have a field of them.
Speaker 2: Dorfis worse than the business. Yeah, oh excellent, Yeah, can
I shave it?
Speaker 5: Yeah? You think I didn't think of that, Go ahead
and stick a razor down in the back of your
third for you.
Speaker 2: You want to sound like this, go right ahead?
Speaker 5: Is that? What is that?
Speaker 4: Why?
Speaker 2: You sound like like you've been drinking sandpaper?
Speaker 3: No, this is just how I sound. You ever heard
my brother before. Yeah, he's actually got a beautiful voice.
Speaker 2: I'm quite jealous.
Speaker 5: But plays a mean fiddle.
Speaker 2: Yeah in Georgia.
Speaker 5: Yeah, but then I don't know. I think he plays
it wherever. But yeah, I know he's good at it.
Speaker 2: Wherever he wants. But it's probably yeah, yeah, No. I
I went through a scream O phase when I was
in my youth. And oh, that's right, you were.
Speaker 5: You were at the drive in. I remember that. That
was terrible. Oh that was the worst. That was a
really good one. That was a really good one. I
must say I even annoyed me a little bit. I would,
I would if you were on Grimmler, I would knock
a star off just for that.
Speaker 2: Oh, Dorf, that's so? Who? So who are the people
who are downloading this app? Is it people? Or is
it only Well?
Speaker 5: How do you think I got here? He downloaded it,
he hired me.
Speaker 3: Let me see, Chris, there's a there's three people in
the room, one of them here just because of the app.
And then one of them is here because he's here
to torture you for all eternity.
Speaker 2: So I wonder who don'tloaded the app?
Speaker 5: Do you do? You wanna? I've got a couple of ideas.
I don't want to share them all because you know
we've got I've got some annoying to do, but I
I want to run one by you, Clayton. Okay, I'm
gonna call this one because I want to be with
the times. I'm gonna call this Christmas. Oh yeah, you've
heard of Christmas. I have the holiday. Yeah, well this
is Chris Mass, so for the entire month of December
down in hell. Uh, I'm we're gonna solder things to you,
and we're going to increase your mass.
Speaker 2: Oh Chris Mass Yeah, yeah, I don't. I don't know
if things solder to me.
Speaker 5: They do if it gets hot enough. Yeah, anything will
solder to anything with enough applied heat.
Speaker 3: We could also do the whole like Wolverine, Like you
can get a metal indow skeleton, but like it'll be
like rush steam metal, highly magnetic.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: In fact, we could just cover your bones with magnets.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, cool, that would increase his mass that you'd
be like Magneto, but just stuck to stuff.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, I was just really shitty. Yeah, just stuck
to the piece of metal. I like this, Dorifas, this
is great.
Speaker 5: Thank you. I got some other ideas. Uh, we're still
workshopping them. Uh, like, for instance, one one an old
classic I like to do that I've been doing to
you for most of your life. I don't know if
you ever realized it. Uh, Earth, you know how you
can never get the volume right on anything that you're
listening to. It's always a little too low or a
little too loud. Yeah that's me. Wow, I get hiding
us for you. Everybody else on Earth they listen to
music at the appropriate volume, but you it's always a
little too low or a little too loud.
Speaker 2: Shit.
Speaker 5: Wow, I've been doing that. That's what I've been playing,
the long game.
Speaker 2: Connecting old friends and so man. So you you you've
done a couple of things too.
Speaker 3: You were the inventor of those like paper stickers that
are impossible to peel off a ship.
Speaker 5: That was you, Yeah, that was it was. I'm particularly
proud of that one. You know how much water has
been wasted by people because you know, fuck the environment, right, right,
of course. Yeah, from people that are trying to wash
those stickers off there like pickle jars in the dishwasher,
but they they actually what they don't know is the
hot water it reactivates the glue and makes it stronger.
So every time you try to remove one of those stickers,
the chances are you're making a stick even worse.
Speaker 2: Even worse. Yeah, what's so? Did you did you do
all that by yourself? Or is there like a some
sort of like group that you work together with or do.
Speaker 5: You have I worked for Grimler that we covered that
not the only person on the app.
Speaker 2: I know. I'm just saying, but like, is it like.
Speaker 5: Do you are you talking about the Grimlin Union?
Speaker 2: I guess yeah, tell me about the Grimlin Union.
Speaker 5: Are you a Grimlin No, Well then you don't get
to know about the Grimlin Union. Oh who told you
about that? Listen? If I were you, I wouldn't walk
around Hell throwing out phrases like Grimlin Union if you
don't know what the Grimlin Union is because you want
to find out.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Chris, have some decorum. Yeah all right, I'm sorry.
Speaker 5: I didn't even want to do that one.
Speaker 2: Sorry for all this.
Speaker 3: No no, no, this is the point. We don't want
the earth realm to be enjoying this. So he's doing
his job. Okay, don't fault the man for doing his job. So, uh, Dowarfas,
tell us about your family, Like, what's going.
Speaker 4: On in the home life. How are you doing that
on that front?
Speaker 5: Well, you know, I'm a kind of perennial bachelor. You know,
I don't like to be tied down, as it were.
Speaker 2: Amen.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so instead I'm very lonely. Yeah, I know, I'm
just being honest. It's being annoying. You would think it'd
be a plus to a lot of women or even
you know, hellminded dudes, but you know, it just tends
to rub people the wrong way. I mean, I'd like
to rub people anyway, but apparently that's the wrong way too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just rubbing.
Speaker 5: So it's you know, I I you know, I got
a lot of sports. I like to watch sports. I
have a pretty sweet bachelor pad. I got a pet frog.
Speaker 4: Oh that's nice.
Speaker 5: Yeah, he's poisoned, so you can't touch him. It's a
he's a Bolivian death frog, so you also can't make
eye contact with him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sounds like a mythical creature.
Speaker 5: You know, Brazil is a real place, right, but it's
not mythical. And they have frogs in Brazil. Okay, yeah,
big fucking I got news for you. Seven and a
half billion people up on Earth. You're not there anymore,
but a whole lot goes on up there you're not
aware of. There's a whole jungle full of animals you've
probably never seen.
Speaker 2: And the death frog that okay, oh my god, yeah,
totally understand how you got here. Yeah, yeah, me too.
Speaker 5: You have to do this with him every week every week.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes I wonder who's being torture?
Speaker 5: Yeah, where's the where's the who's dealing out the punishment
to who?
Speaker 2: Who's who's torturing you?
Speaker 4: Exactly? Well, god, yeah, it's good.
Speaker 2: I mean Satan.
Speaker 4: No, of course they're not gonna bring Satan on You
kidding me? Bringing my big brother?
Speaker 2: Who wants to hear from that guy the lord of
the underworld? Like, no, thank snore? Yeah, do you grimlins
have any This is a movie, so this might be
completely wrong.
Speaker 5: Now this is a podcast.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, no, it's a it's a Chris We want
a Grammy? Yeah, obviously, so we the Grammy winning award winning.
Speaker 5: Well, you didn't go to hell for being too smart,
that's for sure. You weren't an evil genius.
Speaker 2: No, not here. What happens if you put water on
you after midnight? Is that a thing?
Speaker 5: I punched you in the fucking face?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Why don't you try it? Chris? Why don't you
put water on him? Right now?
Speaker 5: You're gonna put water on me?
Speaker 2: No, I don't even have water.
Speaker 5: Almost all of your elbows to each other.
Speaker 4: Wait, wait in the behind her, like in the front?
Speaker 5: Oh, in the front?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 5: Yeah, because then every time you try to scratch anything,
you hit yourself in the head with your hands. You
don't even mean to.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean we don't have to go that far.
I was just no, no, no conversation. I have questions about
Grimlins people, and I might have questions about Grimlins.
Speaker 3: Well, this isn't about people on earth. This is about
people in Hell. That's why Dorfice is here. Dorfous do
the horn. I don't like to do it, Okay, okay, understood?
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, I'm not trying. It's it's it is my
nature to be annoying at all times. I don't mean
to direct that at you, especially as the one who's
hired me. Remember zero Star's always appreciated.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, you got him.
Speaker 5: It's like a character flaw that I have to annoy.
Speaker 4: Yeah, i'll leave you a terrible review.
Speaker 5: I appreciate it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course. How many Grimlins are there on Earth?
Do you go to Earth? Typically?
Speaker 5: Well, right now? Do you mean to look up the
global population of Grimlins? Would?
Speaker 2: I don't know? I mean, how many are available?
Speaker 5: Pull out my hell phone and google it?
Speaker 4: He said he's a Grimlin. He's not a supercomputer.
Speaker 2: Chris.
Speaker 4: You can't pull these information factoids out of his ass.
Speaker 5: Okay, it's a seventeen. That's okay. I do actually know
the oh so, but I was being contrary because he's
he's so it's funny because he's annoying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's weird. I hired you to be annoying to him,
and ah, here we are. I guess I missed my calling.
Yeah nobody, sorry, I got a hair.
Speaker 5: Nobody ever, you didn't miss a call because no one
calls you. Yeah, no one's ever called you. I have
a feeling, unless it's a I RS related, no one
will ever call you. I don't have certainly not. Helen
Keller she's not gone or texting No she's not.
Speaker 2: Well, she might maybe some brail me.
Speaker 5: How does that work?
Speaker 2: I think I haven't got my hellphone, but I imagine
it just like pokes out little ridges in the phone.
Can you do that? That thing? It's not a bad idea.
I might seal that from you. Good going, Chris, all right,
you did something useful for once. I can't take credit
for diabetes. Boy, that was one of my predecessors. But
you know how diabetes is a thing and up on
Earth for the people that eat too much cake and
stuff or.
Speaker 5: Just have bad jeans. You know how they have to
prick their fingers with a little little pricker to test
their blood on the strip. That's what brail is like
on a Hell phone. You just get the pricks.
Speaker 2: Shit.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Chris knows a lot about pricks.
Speaker 5: Yeah, he's got ten of them on his hands right now, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: I mean no, like grimlins, there's like a long history
of them being around and annoying people on Earth. There
are some of our best servants down here in Hell.
Speaker 2: What what have they done?
Speaker 1: In?
Speaker 2: What are they responsible?
Speaker 5: We aimed to displease?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: You?
Speaker 2: Actually, you people on the Earth realm.
Speaker 3: You owe a lot to Grimlins because, uh, you know,
Christopher Columbus, he was out selling the Seven Seas. Grimlin
fucked with his compass discover the New World.
Speaker 5: That is true.
Speaker 2: So you and your crew are responsible for Christopher Columbus
discovering America, even though he didn't technically discover it. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Originally they were trying to like get him to fall
off the face of the Earth because you know, Earth
is flat as well.
Speaker 2: Know.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, he ended up just like finding a giant continent.
Speaker 2: Oh, it's crazy.
Speaker 5: That was. That was a funny one. We didn't anticipate that.
But smallpox, that was that was us small pox.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that kills so it's not just annoying then.
Speaker 5: But if you ever had smallpox, it's pretty annoying.
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, yeah, we can give you a smallpox. Oh yeah,
I know. Guy, he's got blankets, lots of blankets. Yeah right,
you do seem kind of cold, so yeah, it's hell
so I'm not too cold.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we'll give you some blankets with some blankets.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 5: You know how when it's a drink, so will get
sweat on them. What was that condensation?
Speaker 2: Yeah, we did that.
Speaker 5: Oh Yeah, it's just gross flammy hands. Every time you
pick up a.
Speaker 2: Soda with yeah, or like water. I guess every stain
on a table pretty much.
Speaker 5: We stained a lot of wood. We have no respect
for wood.
Speaker 2: Do you have any enemies besides wood?
Speaker 5: Well, anything, any and all things holy? Crazy about them? Yeah,
big g upstairs, not a fan. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Angels like the ones specifically that go on your shoulders.
Separate kind of angel, oh, shoulder angels. Yeah, the shoulder
angels are the ones that they're they're like saying good
things in your ears, good ideas and advice.
Speaker 5: You know, uh, you know, we invented I can actually
take partial credit of this white shoes, you know how,
like you buy a pair of white shoes in the
second you put them on their dirty Oh that's because
you're wearing white shoes, dummy. Yeah, we didn't have to
invent the dirt, it was already there.
Speaker 2: You just invented the shoe. Yeah, I mean that's that's innovative,
I guess.
Speaker 3: I mean it's it's simple. You know, sometimes the easiest
ideas are the smartest ones.
Speaker 2: That's true.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you know how you can't get swede wet. Yeah,
you used to be able to Oh yeah, not anymore.
Speaker 2: And it was that easy. Huh.
Speaker 5: I didn't say it was easy.
Speaker 2: Oh how do you do it? What's the trade secret? Oh?
Ship Chris part of the the union. But that means not,
I gotta take these headphones off.
Speaker 5: Iar wax not medically necessary. Oh really, Yeah, we put
that in every night.
Speaker 2: You put it in personally, well not. There's a lot
of people on earth so not.
Speaker 5: You know, we try to be strategic about it. But yeah,
you don't get it every night. You get it enough
to be annoying. Yeah, like maybe once every eight days
or so.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear some funny stories sometimes they
like have run ins with like the tooth fairy or
like a sleep paralysis demon.
Speaker 2: And that's when it gets, you know, awkward something everybody.
Everybody's like, you know, scrambled to do you shit while
you're sleeping. Oh so there's a lot of work being
done while people sleep behind the scenes, absolutely.
Speaker 5: Tones of work.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, you don't even know.
Speaker 2: So tooth fairy good or bad?
Speaker 3: I mean, give money to kids and you'd think that
that's good touching kids though.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, it actually used to be a lot worse.
They used to take the teeth right out of your mouth.
The tooth fairies, Yeah, when you sleep at night, they
would go on with the pliers and just yank, yank the
teeth out. We got a bad rap for that, So
now we let the kids think they came up with it.
Oh yeah, think about it. Think about it.
Speaker 1: You.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you go on at night and you just loosen
that you. We just wiggle the tooth long enough, maybe
crack it with a hammer so that gets a little wiggly.
And then the next day the little chit wakes up
and says, hey, mommy, tie my tooth to a door
and slam the door. And we outsourced their misery to
their parents. It's pretty psychological.
Speaker 2: They're right.
Speaker 3: They actually they have a horn fairy. It's lesser known
because it's down here in hell. But yeah, like these horns,
these are my mature adult horns. I did have my
baby horns, same kind of thing. Yeah, Satan helped me
get my first pair of baby horns off. He tied
my left one to the tail end of a monster truck.
Oh yeah, he dragged me. He dragged me for a
couple of miles, but it came off eventually.
Speaker 2: Was it supposed to come off.
Speaker 5: That's why they used to call Clayton baby horn. Not
a compliment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well he told me they're supposed to come off,
but they don't. They weren't, I apparently not. Yeah, they're
like soldered to my skull. It hurt.
Speaker 3: Hey I turned out Okay, right, got a Grammy winning podcast.
I'm so glad that I got you, Dowrfish, because I
know that this is your busy season.
Speaker 5: It's very busy in the holidays.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean Black Friday. That's yeah, that's your
Christmas it is, So what do you do Black Friday? Well,
what is hell like? In Black Friday? It's like a Walmart.
Speaker 5: It's just pretty similar, but it's more like Black Friday
on Earth is a lot like Hell three hundred and
sixty four days a year.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, not that we have technically have years.
Speaker 5: Done here, but yeah, time it's one of my favorite
things to do, and that sometimes even if I'm not
on duty, I'll just go up for the fun of it.
I had to get in lines, like you know, you
get outside of a store and they're like pushing them
the doors and they're flexing before it opens, and uh,
and it's like there's like the countdown to oh the TV's,
we're gonna get the TVs. I like to about ten
seconds for I like to hit an air horn, and
then they just people. When people hear an air horn,
they just lunch and uh, you can get seven or
eight tramples in the span of ten seconds there.
Speaker 2: Wow, Yeah that's all I mean, that's a great number
of tramples.
Speaker 5: Yeah you ever you ever initiated a trampling?
Speaker 2: No? I haven't.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it's hard. It's harder than you would think for
a people to willingly step on other people to death.
It takes uh, it takes uh some creativity and well
well timed air horn. So air horn is what it
would sound like. Yeah, yeah, I would, and you'd be dead. Yeah,
I guess you're already dead.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, air horns that I think. I mean, is
that a tool that you' all invented or No?
Speaker 5: I don't know who that. I didn't invent everything.
Speaker 2: It seemed very like on your brand.
Speaker 4: So I'm just you're a very special boy.
Speaker 2: Chris Grimlin.
Speaker 5: We didn't invent air either. No, No, we didn't invent horns.
Speaker 3: My Friday is kind of interesting too, because you know,
it's the only Friday that we have down here in Hell,
because every other day's Monday.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, so it's the one Friday we've got. Oh yeah,
it's a very special day. Yeah yeah, yeah. Dorf is here.
Speaker 3: He's he's gonna be on top of a lot of stuff.
I mean, from Thanksgiving onward. He's booked solid, just causing
her in her family drama at dinners.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, I like to. I like to briefly inhabit
the bodies and souls of people at the dinner table.
A lot of times I'll like to get to get
in there with a college student who's in their sophomore year,
and I'll like to come out to the parents briefly
or or like sometimes if I inhabit an uncle, I
like to take a couple of whiskeys and then start
to get real racist, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: I love to let the true feelings fly and then
I hop back out and then I just watch just.
Speaker 2: Watch elf on the shelf.
Speaker 4: It's actually a crimlin Oh it's one of their forms.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Oh okay, he just watches we are watching.
Speaker 2: That's really creepy. I always set those dolls for creepy.
But no, now, you know.
Speaker 5: Why you know improv? That's grimlins.
Speaker 2: Oh so like just the concept of improv in general.
Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, the laziest form of entertainment. You know, it's grimlins.
Yes and yeah, yes, And I didn't write anything.
Speaker 3: We don't have our own prompts. So something from the
audience please, is how lazy we are?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 5: Wayne Brady? Yeah, he's my boss.
Speaker 2: Oh he's your Is he a gremlin? Yeah?
Speaker 5: Oh shit, you didn't know.
Speaker 2: No, I thought he was just an imp. Whose line
is it anyway? Yeah? Yeah, Colin Mockery's an alien, Yeah
he is.
Speaker 5: He's I'll say, funny for an alien. Oh no, offense
to alien not not known to be the funniest of creatures.
Speaker 2: Creatures.
Speaker 5: If you guys are looking at im see you checking
your watches. If you're looking to wrap this up, I'll
leave you with with one of my greatest accomplishments, wrapping paper.
Think about it. We make give you a gift, but
you have to do work to get it, and it
kills trees.
Speaker 2: That's a win win.
Speaker 5: And it's annoying to clean up.
Speaker 2: It's annoying to clean up, and you have to it's
annoying to wrap.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, it's a pain in the ass.
Speaker 3: And then recently you guys introduced the kind with the
sparkles on it.
Speaker 5: Yeah. Oh man, we call that. That's like a strip
club in your house. Yeah, sh glitter everywhere.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: Also, we're gonna start we're gonna start scenting all all
wrapping paper in twenty twenty and beyond. Uh, we're gonna
we're gonna scent it vanilla. So your wife will never
believe that you just went down to Target to get
some wrapping paper. Nope, you're boned.
Speaker 2: Man. There's so many little little things in life that
are just really awful that you guys did.
Speaker 5: Yeah, thank you, thank you. I appreciate that.
Speaker 2: Dworfus does terrible work, and I'm super happy that he.
Speaker 5: Was coming from you. That is such a compliment. I
want you to know I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Speaker 2: Dwarfs.
Speaker 3: You're gonna get to know him. He's gonna be a
rounds because I hired him out and it's his busy season.
But oh he's he's gonna be around. He's gonna annoy you.
Speaker 5: Chris Muss could be on the lookout for it every
every morning. You're gonna wake up with more things soldered
to you heavy, annoying, sharp things. Yeah, itchy, itchy things.
Speaker 2: Yeah. The hairs yeah good.
Speaker 5: Oh. Also I told you if you pull the hair
or shave that it will grow back. Also, if you
ignore the hair or try not to pay attention to it,
it will grow oh longer if you if you start
to get used to it it it knows.
Speaker 2: It grows, and it grows.
Speaker 5: It knows, and it grows as we say.
Speaker 2: Well, I'll just keep thinking about that.
Speaker 5: Yeah, keep just focus on it all right, well Dwarfish, Yeah,
stopping by, Hey, no problem. Uh, it's always a pleasure
to see you, Clayton. What you're you're it's a great podcast.
I love what you're doing down here. You do you're
really doing the devil's work, and I want you to
know we all appreciate it. Everybody here. We listen every win.
Speaker 2: Does this come out every Monday?
Speaker 5: Yeah, we listen to this every Monday morning. It's a
pretty much hell pretty much stops for forty five minutes
so we can listen to you torture this tip ship.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 5: And uh, Chris, I got a I got a lot
planned for you, buddy. So cool.
Speaker 2: Well, I'm sounds god.
Speaker 4: Oh Dorfous, I love it, love when you stop by.
Speaker 2: All right, well, thanks Dorfous.
Speaker 5: Peace out, all right, stay safe.
Speaker 3: Well another successful episode, Dorfous. I mean he's gonna be
like roommate two point zero. Yeah, yeah, we're we might
be hearing from him later on down the road. And
Stalin are gonna they got some they got plans.
Speaker 2: I didn't realize they were friends, but that makes sense.
Speaker 3: Yeah, No, Stallan's friends with everybody except for you. Yeah,
because you don't have any friends. You have referred to
me as your best friend before.
Speaker 2: I'm still in the building.
Speaker 4: Only because it annoys you.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I took I took that page out of Dorfus's
book there, all right, well I think that's it.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So if anyone wants to donate their soul
or recommend the podcast to a friend, it's about on
social media.
Speaker 4: Yeah Facebook, we would really appreciate it.
Speaker 2: We need we need more act LTEs, acolytes and and accolades.
Speaker 3: Yeah, separate words, Chris just learned today.
Speaker 2: Did I knew they were knew they were?
Speaker 3: Okay?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Sure? All right, Well anyways, thanks for thanks for listening, guys.
Hell Clayton