Speaker 1: This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, the Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great Love Debase. Hi again, everyone's Brian Howie.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Great Love Debate, the world's number one
Speaker 1: dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am here
Speaker 1: in the very fine, fancy and brand new updated studios
Speaker 1: of Pod Popular Podcast for the People. I am at
Speaker 1: the one in Palm Beach Gardens and it's a new
Speaker 1: one and I have Travis here, not only on the controls,
Speaker 1: but he's also hanging some shit here. So if you
Speaker 1: hear a drill, he was worried. He's like, I don't
Speaker 1: I don't want to make noise during your podcast. And
Speaker 1: I said, my podcast listeners love ambient noise, and some
Speaker 1: of my podcast listeners out there like, no, we do not.
Speaker 1: We don't like ambient noise. But if you hear a
Speaker 1: drill or something breaking, he's hanging stuff. One thing that
Speaker 1: we we touch on, I don't know. Occasionally around here
Speaker 1: we touch on it more, but we haven't quite done
Speaker 1: it in a while is the concept of the five
Speaker 1: love languages. And for those of you who are not familiar,
Speaker 1: it was a book by Gary Chapman. Chapman I think,
Speaker 1: and it basically says that everyone has a certain love
Speaker 1: language that is most important, and that by understanding and
Speaker 1: speaking your partner's love language and having them understand yours,
Speaker 1: somehow you are able to properly communicate and give your
Speaker 1: partner what they want need to be happy, fulfilled, whatever.
Speaker 1: So now, common mistake that people make, whether it's in
Speaker 1: their thought process or in their their dating profile, is
Speaker 1: that they're trying to find someone who speaks the same
Speaker 1: love language. And if you aren't familiar, and just to
Speaker 1: back up forty five seconds, here, the love language in
Speaker 1: the book, the five love languages are acts of service,
Speaker 1: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.
Speaker 1: And we'll circle back to those in a second in
Speaker 1: a little bit more detail. But my issue is in
Speaker 1: people trying to find a partner who speaks the same
Speaker 1: love language, which makes no sense to me. You know,
Speaker 1: you both love receiving gifts. You both think that's your
Speaker 1: love language, or you're looking for somebody who also likes that,
Speaker 1: so you just sort of pingpong the massage weekend give
Speaker 1: cards back and forth between you. That doesn't make any
Speaker 1: sense to me. Of course not. Of course that is
Speaker 1: not a recipe for anything. And that kind of mindset
Speaker 1: has you and a lot of people out there looking for,
Speaker 1: you know, a version of yourself. I like this. This
Speaker 1: makes my life easier if they like that. H That's
Speaker 1: like saying, you know, you both need to be Denver
Speaker 1: Bronco fans and people date that way, or fans of
Speaker 1: the Office people date that way. But you need to
Speaker 1: be you know, find a situation rather than that, to
Speaker 1: find one who can sort of compliment and enhance who
Speaker 1: you are and the situation. But I'm not here to
Speaker 1: just dive in all the love languages. I'm here to
Speaker 1: talk about my problem with them, the issue I have
Speaker 1: with them. First of all, I don't think there's only five,
Speaker 1: and I don't know. I would love to see Gary
Speaker 1: Chapman's discard list. I would like to see how he
Speaker 1: had fifteen and then narrowed it down, and he's probably like, oh,
Speaker 1: these three are kind of the same, let's do that.
Speaker 1: It's a lot easier if you have a group of five.
Speaker 1: I get that. I don't think there's only five, though,
Speaker 1: I mean mazarellisticks are my love language. And I don't
Speaker 1: see them on this list or in his book. Not
Speaker 1: a single maxim mentioned. But maybe that's in receiving gifts.
Speaker 1: I want somebody to give those to me. I don't know.
Speaker 1: But that's not my issue with the love languages. My
Speaker 1: issue is this, eighty five percent of men have the
Speaker 1: same love language eighty five percent. And you're like, where'd
Speaker 1: you get that stat from? I did the research myself.
Speaker 1: I've done it twice two times. We have done a
Speaker 1: survey of over one thousand men, which makes this the
Speaker 1: single biggest survey ever done on this, and ask them
Speaker 1: what is their love language, and men eighty five percent,
Speaker 1: like eighty four point five came back with the same
Speaker 1: love language. So back to Gary Chapman's book. If you're
Speaker 1: going to break this concept down and say there's only
Speaker 1: there's five and there's only five, that's fine, but they
Speaker 1: better be split at about twenty percent each. You can't
Speaker 1: have one have eighty five percent and then the other four,
Speaker 1: at least on the men's side collectively do fifteen and
Speaker 1: or else it doesn't really make sense. And on the
Speaker 1: women's side, it's not twenty twenty, twenty twenty twenty either,
Speaker 1: you know, but it's it's a little closer on that.
Speaker 1: So when I ask women, which is what I'm getting
Speaker 1: into here today, to guess the love language that eighty
Speaker 1: five percent of men have, about eighty five percent of
Speaker 1: them get it wrong. And the fact that they get
Speaker 1: it wrong really affects everything about how they date and
Speaker 1: who they date and the outcome of them dating. Because
Speaker 1: if you think a guy I wants this or does
Speaker 1: this or has that, and it's not quite right, neither
Speaker 1: of you will be fulfilled. And you hear the drill,
Speaker 1: that's the drill. I told you it was coming. And
Speaker 1: that's a huge problem with all of this and all
Speaker 1: of us. Nobody is fulfilled. So you're probably like, oh,
Speaker 1: just get to the point. What is the eighty love
Speaker 1: language that eighty five percent of men have, and some
Speaker 1: of you are trying to guess out there, Well, that
Speaker 1: is called a tease. We will reveal that love lesson
Speaker 1: for you here. Don't be a tease, but we will
Speaker 1: reveal the answer to that and be back right after this.
Speaker 1: And we are back. We're talking about love languages. So
Speaker 1: eighty five percent of women think that men. No, wait,
Speaker 1: that's wrong. Sorry, I almost scare eighty five percent of
Speaker 1: women guess this wrong. Eighty five percent of men have
Speaker 1: the same love language and almost all women and guess
Speaker 1: it to be physical touch. They're like, men are horny,
Speaker 1: primitive creatures. It must be physical touch, and it is
Speaker 1: not and it is not gifts, and it is not
Speaker 1: acts of service. Eighty five percent of men love language
Speaker 1: is words of affirmation, and because they do not get
Speaker 1: words of affirmation, they need the physical touch because in
Speaker 1: some way that is at least a sign that she
Speaker 1: thinks something positive of you. I bring this up a
Speaker 1: lot that a lot of times the women are like, oh,
Speaker 1: the men are just trying to get some action on
Speaker 1: the first date. They're always groping at me whatever. It's that.
Speaker 1: It's because they are not hear that drual. It's because
Speaker 1: they are not getting anything back communicatively on these dates.
Speaker 1: They tell you you're pretty, they tell you would you
Speaker 1: like to see a dessert menu, They compliment you, they
Speaker 1: say all these things, and maybe the men is getting
Speaker 1: back thank you. So he's like, well, if I make
Speaker 1: a move and she likes it, well then she doesn't
Speaker 1: think I'm gross. But if he got some positive words
Speaker 1: got it, he would calm down. To the point where
Speaker 1: I've said many times, if the women want the men
Speaker 1: to just calm the fuck down on the first date,
Speaker 1: she has to be like, listen, I find you super attractive.
Speaker 1: I just don't like to do anything until I'm ready.
Speaker 1: But when I'm ready, it will blow your mind, and
Speaker 1: he will calm the fuck down because he knows blow
Speaker 1: your mind is on the menu. I talk about this
Speaker 1: in our live shows a lot that there's three things
Speaker 1: that all men three things at all women need. There's
Speaker 1: three things that all men need, and the women just
Speaker 1: to quick a refresher if you're new around here. The
Speaker 1: women need to feel special, they need to feel safe,
Speaker 1: and they need to feel sexy. Safe is the tough one.
Speaker 1: On the women's side, they need to safe is about
Speaker 1: trust and sharing and oustin and understanding all these things.
Speaker 1: But on the men's side, the men need to be
Speaker 1: admired or respected. The men need to be appreciated, and
Speaker 1: the men need to be needed, and that is the
Speaker 1: tough one, especially as we record this in twenty twenty four.
Speaker 1: The men are not needed much anymore. And I say
Speaker 1: all the time, you know the people some women say no,
Speaker 1: it's about want, not need. No, No, need. I want
Speaker 1: tater touts. I need world peace. Now I screwed up
Speaker 1: my own joke. I need data, I need world peace.
Speaker 1: I want tater tuts. I don't even know my joke
Speaker 1: is anymore anyway. But that's the difference, Like it's about need.
Speaker 1: They want to be needed, and the need is not
Speaker 1: I need physical touch. I need you to need me
Speaker 1: a lot more. A lot more women have a love
Speaker 1: language of physical touch than men do. It's not even close,
Speaker 1: but the men the women sometimes misterpret it. I know
Speaker 1: a girl, and uh, she was really having challenges in
Speaker 1: her marriage, and she couldn't understand why her husband did
Speaker 1: not care about her love her the way she thought
Speaker 1: he should or wanted him to. And she says to me,
Speaker 1: I was talking to her. I barely knew her, so
Speaker 1: I was surprised that she even said this, But she said,
Speaker 1: I don't understand I give him blowjobs. She said that
Speaker 1: about her husband and like that was going to be
Speaker 1: the magical thing that of course he's going to love her,
Speaker 1: like if she's performing these sort of wifely duties, especially,
Speaker 1: the light bulb was going to go off for him.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, she doesn't get it. If she somehow,
Speaker 1: you know, encouraged him or made him feel good about himself,
Speaker 1: or create an environment there he could feel confident or
Speaker 1: any of these other things, or made him feel loved
Speaker 1: or anything. Probably wouldn't need that, and he doesn't even
Speaker 1: need that she's given to him because she's like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to give him this. This at least has to
Speaker 1: make him happy. No, it will also make him happy,
Speaker 1: but it will not be the core that makes him happy.
Speaker 1: And you and a lot of the women are like,
Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to do that. Happiness as it comes
Speaker 1: from with him whatever. I don't know. It's about an environment,
Speaker 1: and two of you have to create an environment where
Speaker 1: each other can be happy and the trust can flourish
Speaker 1: and the sharing can happen and all these kind of things.
Speaker 1: So if you're just like, oh, I'll just have sex
Speaker 1: with him, that's going to be everything. And the same girl,
Speaker 1: I mean, they got divorced later. I know that because
Speaker 1: it didn't work out. And that same girl I know
Speaker 1: her dating now. She she tends to lead with sex. She's like,
Speaker 1: if I give them sex, they're gonna, they're gonna that's
Speaker 1: what they need, and they like me. I'm like they
Speaker 1: also need other things, and a lot of those other
Speaker 1: things they need first, and they need intimacy, and sometimes
Speaker 1: they need to hug, and sometimes they need to hold
Speaker 1: your hand, and sometimes they need to feel like they
Speaker 1: look good, and they need all these things. So, yes,
Speaker 1: men are sometimes very primitive, horny creatures and cave men.
Speaker 1: But a lot of times that's because nothing else is
Speaker 1: getting in or getting through to them. And so I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to like put the burden on the ladies,
Speaker 1: but a lot of this is you're just not understanding
Speaker 1: the men. And if you think that physical touch is
Speaker 1: what is driving him, it's not. It's the words, and
Speaker 1: the men rarely get the words. The very, very best
Speaker 1: partner that I know, the best partner in the world,
Speaker 1: she never misses an opportunity to say, I love you, you're
Speaker 1: the best, You're my guy, I believe in you, I'm
Speaker 1: proud of you, I support you, I'm so happy to
Speaker 1: be with you, all of those things that maybe in
Speaker 1: the twenty years of marriage people have trouble saying to
Speaker 1: each other. And I understand that in the noise of
Speaker 1: a life, in the noise of a family, you might
Speaker 1: forget to do that. But a lot of times he
Speaker 1: doesn't forget to do that, you know. I know there's
Speaker 1: a lot of women out there, like my husband hasn't
Speaker 1: told me I'm beautiful in ten years, maybe because he
Speaker 1: thinks he's not getting anything back, or maybe he thinks
Speaker 1: you won't care, or maybe he thinks you're saying it
Speaker 1: for the wrong reason. I don't know. There's a lot
Speaker 1: of this, and a lot of the women, you know,
Speaker 1: if you ask them, they need physical touch because they
Speaker 1: want to feel desired, and that is the missing element
Speaker 1: out of a lot of the women. They want to
Speaker 1: feel desired, they want to feel close. They want physical
Speaker 1: touch because they need closeness. And sometimes that is just
Speaker 1: a hand on the arm or a or a hug
Speaker 1: or something like that. It's not necessarily sex either. They
Speaker 1: want him to say I've got you, and touch means
Speaker 1: I've got you. Some of this, you know, I know
Speaker 1: we've gotten into before, and some of it we haven't.
Speaker 1: But it comes up a lot, and I'm surprised at
Speaker 1: a concept that really seems to have so much legs
Speaker 1: and people talk about a lot. They rarely talk about
Speaker 1: that sort of blip in his system where it's like, well,
Speaker 1: if eighty five percent of men want the same thing,
Speaker 1: and a big, big chunk of women are getting it wrong.
Speaker 1: We're not doing a good job of communicating what that
Speaker 1: is and why it's getting why it's wrong, and so
Speaker 1: many of the women are like, he's a simple creature.
Speaker 1: He is. I've said before the men are light switches
Speaker 1: and the women are motherboards. And you know, we had
Speaker 1: back in the early days of this podcast, we had
Speaker 1: doctor John Gray, the guy who wrote mars Venus, on
Speaker 1: this podcast, and he was fantastic, and he agreed with
Speaker 1: a lot of the you know, the differences between the
Speaker 1: men and the women and how they've evolved. We always
Speaker 1: say on the Great Love Debate, the women look for
Speaker 1: red flags and the men look for green lights. We
Speaker 1: stand by that. He agrees with that. We're just different
Speaker 1: in what we're looking for. And for him, a green
Speaker 1: light comes from the words, comes from the words. So
Speaker 1: if you think that, you know, well, I made out
Speaker 1: with him, so he knows I like him, not necessarily,
Speaker 1: And I'm saying you shouldn't do that either. Saying you shouldn't,
Speaker 1: I'm saying you got to follow that up with this
Speaker 1: was fun, That was great. I want to do it again.
Speaker 1: You look good. You know, we get the smack on
Speaker 1: the nose as men way more than we get the
Speaker 1: pat on the nose. The pat on the nose means
Speaker 1: so much more because it is rarer. And so if
Speaker 1: you think about it again, as always, I'm never trying
Speaker 1: to defend the men. Most men, including me, suck. But
Speaker 1: if you're getting into this and you're trying to understand,
Speaker 1: what is something very very easy that I need to
Speaker 1: do for him to make him understand not that he
Speaker 1: cares about me, that that I care about him. It's
Speaker 1: not a lap dance. It's not he that for birthdays
Speaker 1: and anniversaries. It's you were amazing today, or you made
Speaker 1: me feel great, or I'm proud of you, or I
Speaker 1: love how hard you work, I love how you take
Speaker 1: care of this family, whatever it is. I love how
Speaker 1: you put me first. Things like that. And then maybe
Speaker 1: even if he's not putting me first, he might realize
Speaker 1: that that matters to you. So your words of affirmation
Speaker 1: will boomerang back to you in a very very positive
Speaker 1: way that it's like, oh, she recognized that I did
Speaker 1: something that made me care more about her, that made
Speaker 1: me love her, that made me want her, that made
Speaker 1: me appreciate her all of that, and so you know,
Speaker 1: this isn't the longest podcast that I can tell that
Speaker 1: Travis has tried to dodge around my sentences to avoid
Speaker 1: the drill. Go ahead and drill, Travis, Drill, Baby drill.
Speaker 1: He's putting acoustic panels up on the wall, so maybe
Speaker 1: there's a little echo. But that's what I want to
Speaker 1: get into today, Ladies, men, don't assume that's what it is,
Speaker 1: because it is not. Give him some words and a
Speaker 1: gift card for some Mutzarelli sticks. As far as us like, share, follow,
Speaker 1: please review not only this podcast, have you guys checked
Speaker 1: out my new podcast yet, My new podcast which has
Speaker 1: become a huge podcast. It is called Dead to Me.
Speaker 1: It is about estrangement, so please check that out. That
Speaker 1: podcast is really doing well. I appreciate everybody who's listened
Speaker 1: to that, and a lot of people who've listened to
Speaker 1: that came from this show because there are a lot
Speaker 1: of through lines between the men and the women in
Speaker 1: broken family relationships and broken real relationships. So you will
Speaker 1: see the synergies between Dead to Me and Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: Leave a review for both, shoot me an email mail,
Speaker 1: Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. If you've got comments, thoughts, questions,
Speaker 1: or I don't agree with you, you're wrong, but you
Speaker 1: can agree with me if you want to, go on
Speaker 1: Dead to Me shoot an email. Dead to Me show
Speaker 1: and talked about how you hate your father. Dead to
Speaker 1: Me Show at Gmail. Great Love Debate at Gmail. Go
Speaker 1: to our live tour schedule. Our grand Finale are all
Speaker 1: time finale after ten years of live shows, We're gonna
Speaker 1: still do to The podcast finale is December third in
Speaker 1: Boca Raton, Florida at the Boca black Box Center for
Speaker 1: the Arts. We have all kinds of fabulous guests lined up.
Speaker 1: Is going to be the best show ever. It's the
Speaker 1: last live show ever. I guarantee you it's the four
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty seventh and final, last live Great Love
Speaker 1: Debate show. It's not too far from Fort Lauderdale Airport.
Speaker 1: Book a flight, come on down. You'll have a good
Speaker 1: time because, as always at the Great Love Debate, we
Speaker 1: never stopped making love. See you next time. The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a Great Love Debate.