WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:07.559 Rain always feels different in the city when I'm walking 2 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:11.039 home through it. No umbrella, just the wet, blonde sweep 3 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:14.119 of hair against my cheeks. I feel wrapped in static, 4 00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:18.399 a half sealed envelope. On that Friday, water streamed down 5 00:00:18.440 --> 00:00:21.640 my jacket and filled the gutters with yellow reflections from 6 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:25.480 the corner bar's sign. Our apartment buildings entry away gave 7 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:29.359 the usual blast of overheated air, mixing sweat and perfume 8 00:00:29.440 --> 00:00:33.520 with damp cement. I climbed the stairs slower than usual, 9 00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:38.159 keys pinched between my fingers, already replaying the day's marketing 10 00:00:38.240 --> 00:00:41.399 stand up in my head, wishing for the simple reset 11 00:00:41.479 --> 00:00:45.320 of Gregg's voice behind the door. What I got is 12 00:00:45.399 --> 00:00:49.119 not quite that. I walked into a hush. The lights 13 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:52.439 were dim, our living room half glow, the curtains unpulled. 14 00:00:52.920 --> 00:00:55.399 The balcony door was cracked just enough that the cool, 15 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:58.840 wet noise bled in. I heard Gregg's laugh. It wasn't 16 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:01.359 the hearty, silly one he use for mean videos, but 17 00:01:01.479 --> 00:01:04.239 a softer, rumbled chuckle I'd heard at weddings or after 18 00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:07.280 midnight on good dates, usually right before he leaned in 19 00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:10.159 to say something private to me. My name came through 20 00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:14.519 the crack, a breathy, live, intimate, but somehow exposed. Then 21 00:01:14.840 --> 00:01:19.680 a pause, a quick, abrupt end to whatever conversation was 22 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:23.400 happening outside. I towed off my boots by the door 23 00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:26.560 and called out the silence after. My voice was sharp. 24 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:30.319 Maybe just nerves, may be something more. Gregg swung in 25 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:33.799 from the balcony, hair towsled, laptop clutched in one hand 26 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:37.359 the other, pushing the door shut with slightly excessive carelessness. 27 00:01:37.799 --> 00:01:41.959 He blinked, grinned too brightly, and tossed out deadline drama. 28 00:01:42.359 --> 00:01:46.319 Client needed a last minute pep talk. He crossed the 29 00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:49.760 floor toward me, dimples showing, but the smile was all surface. 30 00:01:50.280 --> 00:01:52.959 His laptop was pointed away from me. He bent for 31 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:56.120 a hug, but even his arms felt staged, a little 32 00:01:56.120 --> 00:01:59.040 too loose. The room still held a whiff of something 33 00:01:59.079 --> 00:02:02.799 I couldn't place. Maybe incense, maybe just muggy air. I 34 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:05.159 listened to his heart beat through his shirt, but it 35 00:02:05.200 --> 00:02:08.479 was my own pulse, high and shaky that I heard instead. 36 00:02:09.599 --> 00:02:12.800 After a moment, he pulled back, started rambling about the 37 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:17.599 client s sense of urgency. Some people just don't get that. Freelancers, 38 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:22.000 have you know boundaries. His words tumbled out, stilted, practiced. 39 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.960 I nodded, even smiled, tried to banish the weirdness, but 40 00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:29.000 it stuck to me all evening, the invisible outline of 41 00:02:29.039 --> 00:02:33.680 something wrong in our apartments, familiar corners, we ate takeout. 42 00:02:33.719 --> 00:02:37.080 Cross legged on the floor, Gregg scrolled through his phone, 43 00:02:37.439 --> 00:02:39.879 eyes quick to dart away. When I met them, I 44 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:42.919 made tea, watched the rain, and told myself maybe he 45 00:02:42.960 --> 00:02:45.960 really does just need space. But as we moved around 46 00:02:45.960 --> 00:02:49.360 each other, curling up to watch half a show, Mario Kart, 47 00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.919 cleaning up, shutting off lights, I kept feeling like I'd 48 00:02:52.960 --> 00:02:55.719 wandered into a play where everyone else knew their lines 49 00:02:55.759 --> 00:03:00.840 except for me. That's how the weekend started. The story 50 00:03:00.840 --> 00:03:03.560 of us wasn't always strange. In fact, we were a 51 00:03:03.560 --> 00:03:06.560 good story, a good risk to hear our friends tell it. 52 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:09.039 We met seven years ago at an opening for some 53 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:12.639 fledgling painter, one of those warehouse galleries on the West Side, 54 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:17.240 with concrete floors and string lights painstakingly twisted overhead. I'd 55 00:03:17.240 --> 00:03:20.280 gone with Naomi, who worked with the gallery, and Greg 56 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:23.840 wandered over, sweaty from a wrong way subway ride, but 57 00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:26.840 grinning at a mural sized cityscape, as if it might 58 00:03:26.879 --> 00:03:30.319 come alive at any moment. He caught my eye during 59 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:33.719 the cheese platter crush, and his opener was do these 60 00:03:33.759 --> 00:03:37.000 look like real buildings? Or is it all wishful thinking? 61 00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:41.439 We fell in fast, not reckless, but easy, like we 62 00:03:41.599 --> 00:03:44.319 just fit the same corners. Our first date was a 63 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:47.520 walk through Hudson River Park. Gregg made up stories for 64 00:03:47.560 --> 00:03:50.080 strangers we passed, and by the time we ended up 65 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:52.599 in a noisy wine bar, I knew more about his 66 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:55.000 fake history for the guy with the dog than about 67 00:03:55.039 --> 00:03:59.400 Greg himself. He was witty, kinetic in that quietly thoughtful way, 68 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:03.479 some one whose brain is always two clicks ahead. I 69 00:04:03.639 --> 00:04:06.400 liked his hands when he talked, the way they waved 70 00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:11.080 unseen shapes into the air. I brought energy planning lists, 71 00:04:11.199 --> 00:04:13.840 structure that seemed to energize him but never boxed him in. 72 00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:17.680 We built weekends around city hikes, pop up food markets, 73 00:04:17.959 --> 00:04:21.120 long mornings, drooling over bad coffee, and sprawling out on 74 00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:24.879 picnic blankets under construction cranes. We sparked off each other, 75 00:04:25.240 --> 00:04:29.959 my optimism, his perpetual curiosity, My knack for finding secret bars, 76 00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:33.319 his for debating which skylines were worth a late night detour. 77 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:38.439 Our relationship was an urban adventure sands map. Neither of 78 00:04:38.519 --> 00:04:42.040 us grew up here. Gregg's parents are in Portland, mine 79 00:04:42.040 --> 00:04:45.680 in South Carolina. We carved out a family here by necessity. 80 00:04:46.000 --> 00:04:48.240 A web of friends who started as plus ones at 81 00:04:48.360 --> 00:04:51.360 mutual happy hours and wound up as nightly group chat 82 00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:56.160 comedians and emergency moving daylifters. Roof top barbecues in June, 83 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.040 costume parties in cold, slushy Novembers, game night sh the 84 00:05:00.040 --> 00:05:04.199 showdowns that once ended with Greg wearing a tiara until sunrise. 85 00:05:05.240 --> 00:05:09.000 We became Greg and Olivia, paired in email invites and 86 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:13.399 brunch tables, people who co ordinated costumes and birthdays, whose 87 00:05:13.399 --> 00:05:18.399 plus ones were assumed professionally, We stretched ourselves thin. My 88 00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:22.120 job as a senior marketing manager at an insanely ambitious 89 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:25.959 wellness start up meant late night campaign launches and endless 90 00:05:26.000 --> 00:05:29.519 revision loops. I loved the challenge and the camaraderie, but 91 00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.879 it left me wound tight. Greg, on the other hand, 92 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:37.040 was a creative freelancer, first focusing on graphic design for 93 00:05:37.079 --> 00:05:41.680 start ups, now adding photography in some branding work. I 94 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:45.199 envied his flexibility. Sometimes envied how he could wander out 95 00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:47.639 for coffee at ten a m On a Wednesday, or 96 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:50.879 flee the city for inspiration when the mood struck. It 97 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.920 sometimes meant he held less structure, missed calls, bills paid 98 00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:57.680 just in time, a nap in the middle of the afternoon. 99 00:05:58.120 --> 00:06:01.600 But he worked harder than people realized. We argued about 100 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:04.360 those gaps now and then, but we'd always find our 101 00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:09.120 way back, even after small storms. His irritation when I 102 00:06:09.160 --> 00:06:12.759 critiqued his work discipline, my resentment when I picked up 103 00:06:12.759 --> 00:06:16.279 the slack. Nothing major enough to breach what we felt that. 104 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:20.759 We chose each other's company every chance we had. Our 105 00:06:20.839 --> 00:06:24.720 rituals propped us up. Sunday mornings were sacred. One of us, 106 00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:28.319 usually me, would pick up flaky quassas from honey Bee's Bakery, 107 00:06:28.560 --> 00:06:31.399 and we'd slump in sweats with mugs of coffee, legs 108 00:06:31.480 --> 00:06:35.439 knotted together like children, playlists bouncing between jazz and trip hop. 109 00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:39.040 We'd recap the highs and lows from our weeks. Gregg's 110 00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:43.480 wildest project ideas, my colleague's latest passive aggressive email, the 111 00:06:43.519 --> 00:06:48.000 budget drama, the Paiella recipe disaster. We hiked in the Palisades, 112 00:06:48.240 --> 00:06:51.759 even in January. When I lost my job last year 113 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:53.920 in a round of layoffs, he was the anchor who 114 00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:56.480 convinced me it was only a setback, that we'd get 115 00:06:56.480 --> 00:07:00.279 me through it together. When Gregg's sighed business tanked, one 116 00:07:00.279 --> 00:07:03.519 of his wilder dreams, an app for cataloging city murals, 117 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:06.879 I spent week ends coding a basic sight because neither 118 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:08.480 of us wanted to see him give up at the 119 00:07:08.519 --> 00:07:12.560 first stumble. We survived four apartment moves in three years, 120 00:07:12.879 --> 00:07:17.160 three snowed in holidays, and a kitchen flood. We laughed 121 00:07:17.160 --> 00:07:20.879 about how our luck was just stubbornness dressed up for company. 122 00:07:21.879 --> 00:07:26.079 Yet for all that closeness, when Gregg was stressed, truly overwhelmed, 123 00:07:26.160 --> 00:07:29.879 or worried about something new, he'd retreat. I always gave 124 00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:33.000 him space, thinking if I just waited, he'd bounce back. 125 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:36.439 Usually he did. I trusted him, not because I never 126 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:40.600 saw cracks, but because we always recovered. That's what made 127 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.680 his strange laughter on the balcony so hard to process. 128 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:47.720 It wasn't blame exactly that I felt that night or 129 00:07:47.759 --> 00:07:50.800 the next, more a prickle of being outside a joke 130 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:54.240 for the first time in years, I tried to brush 131 00:07:54.279 --> 00:07:56.920 it away, to blame it on my own job's stress 132 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:00.800 or October's creeping grayness. I let it slide, or told 133 00:08:00.839 --> 00:08:04.839 myself that I did. Greg was my person. If something 134 00:08:04.920 --> 00:08:07.720 was off, it would unravel. We'd talk it out like 135 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:13.199 we always had. Three weeks later, something shifted again. It 136 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:16.439 was a Saturday. Greg and I had our routine, a 137 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:19.680 thermos of coffee, hiking shoes stacked in the foyer, the 138 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:22.199 mini maps I downloaded on my phone for a new 139 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:26.720 trail up State seven forty five, rainy but clearing. I 140 00:08:26.800 --> 00:08:29.360 was tugging on a mismatched sock when Greg came in, 141 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:33.559 hair askew, pale in the hallway's light. I can't go 142 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:38.240 to day. It was abrupt, without the usual apology, deadline panic. 143 00:08:38.679 --> 00:08:42.360 Essel just emailed client call at ten, and I'm behind 144 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:46.559 on edits. I felt my irritation and disappointment wore in 145 00:08:46.639 --> 00:08:51.159 my chest. This was our thing, our tradition, especially in fall, 146 00:08:51.399 --> 00:08:53.759 when the city felt less like a prison and more 147 00:08:53.919 --> 00:08:57.559 like a playground. It'll just be a couple hours, I said, 148 00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:02.519 you can, but he took his head, already retreating. Rain 149 00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:05.519 check go without me. If I'm lucky, i'll be done 150 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.279 before noon. We can meet for brunch. The words slipped 151 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:12.720 past quickly, as if rehearsed. I tried to catch his eyes, 152 00:09:12.759 --> 00:09:16.000 but he was already back to his laptop. I tried 153 00:09:16.039 --> 00:09:18.960 not to sulk. I went alone, but the woods felt 154 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:22.519 hollow without Gregg's chatter by the river, the air sharp 155 00:09:22.559 --> 00:09:25.720 with wet leaves. I scrolled through work emils instead of 156 00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:29.240 photos for Greg, kicking at stones and planning to pick 157 00:09:29.320 --> 00:09:32.519 up pastries for him. On the way home, I remember thinking, 158 00:09:32.840 --> 00:09:36.080 we're allowed to skip a tradition. That's a grown up thing. 159 00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:38.960 But it felt like dropping a line. I wasn't ready 160 00:09:38.960 --> 00:09:42.639 to loosen. Back at the apartment, I slowed off muddy 161 00:09:42.639 --> 00:09:46.039 boots and ducked into the bathroom, first, peeling off wet leggings. 162 00:09:46.559 --> 00:09:49.480 I caught a smell in the air, perfume, drifting sharp 163 00:09:49.480 --> 00:09:52.440 and unfamiliar, above the usual soap and mildew, not like 164 00:09:52.480 --> 00:09:55.879 my rose water or Gregg's after shape. I checked the counter. 165 00:09:56.279 --> 00:09:58.720 The bottles lined up the same as usual. It was 166 00:09:58.759 --> 00:10:01.960 so faint I almost doubt i'd noticed. In the small 167 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:05.279 trash basket, I found a crumpled tissue and a single 168 00:10:05.320 --> 00:10:09.519 wrapper from a sample perfume, a brand I didn't recognize. 169 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:13.159 There was nothing else, no lipstick, smudge, no stray earring. 170 00:10:13.559 --> 00:10:16.080 I tossed the rapper back in and stared at myself 171 00:10:16.120 --> 00:10:19.399 in the mirror. I thought, this is how those stories start, 172 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:22.639 A scent in the wrong place. But maybe it was nothing. 173 00:10:23.679 --> 00:10:26.159 Gregg's mood was off when I found him. He looked 174 00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:29.879 up from his laptop, dark screensaver flickered foam, face down 175 00:10:29.919 --> 00:10:34.000 on the coffee table. You okay, he asked, quickly, voice brittle. 176 00:10:34.399 --> 00:10:36.840 He said he was just slammed too many irons in 177 00:10:36.879 --> 00:10:40.600 the fire. I offered pastries. He barely glanced up. I 178 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:43.799 watched him rub his forehead, thumbs pressed hard into his eyes, 179 00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.440 the way he always did before a migrain. I wanted 180 00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:50.240 to ask about the perfume, the rapper, the laughter on 181 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:53.679 the balcony. I didn't. I'm not sure why I didn't, 182 00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:57.799 not fear exactly, Maybe a protectiveness for something I still 183 00:10:57.799 --> 00:11:02.159 wanted to believe was fine and private. And hours we 184 00:11:02.320 --> 00:11:05.679 sat two feet apart, the space between us filled less 185 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:09.200 with words and more with tired quiet, each of us 186 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:12.600 guarding something, me from the impulse to press him from 187 00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:15.440 whatever weight he was holding When I lay next to 188 00:11:15.519 --> 00:11:19.720 him that night, the warmth didn't quite reach me. Loyalty, 189 00:11:19.840 --> 00:11:24.039 I kept reminding myself. Greg hadn't drifted once in seven years, 190 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:27.840 never taken flirting beyond a slow smile, never slipped in 191 00:11:27.879 --> 00:11:30.679 a lie I could uncover. He never liked drama for 192 00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:34.600 its own sake. I told myself, I'm probably inventing this. 193 00:11:35.320 --> 00:11:38.759 Maybe I'm hypertuned because work stress is bleeding into everything, 194 00:11:39.159 --> 00:11:42.639 or maybe just because rainy autumns always make me nostalgic 195 00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:46.639 and lonely. But the gap didn't fill. I started to 196 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:50.399 trace it maybe a week or two after Greg started 197 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:54.039 mentioning a new work partner. ESL wants revisions by Monday. 198 00:11:54.440 --> 00:11:57.679 Essel thinks the mood boards need more spring tones, essel 199 00:11:57.720 --> 00:12:01.919 blah blah budgets. I realized I'd never heard those initials before. 200 00:12:02.159 --> 00:12:05.799 I asked once, what's essel stand for? And Gregg shrugged, 201 00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:10.000 not looking up new client, creative partner. Whatever. I'll send 202 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:13.399 you the project link when it launches. He talked more 203 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.960 and more about the project, new direction, really good energy, 204 00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:19.759 probably get me a couple referrals if it pans out, 205 00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:24.440 but the details were vague. Gregg's creative partners came and went, 206 00:12:24.799 --> 00:12:27.480 but usually he introduced them to me in passing or 207 00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:29.720 looped me in for a drink after a big pitch. 208 00:12:30.440 --> 00:12:34.240 Essel never materialized outside his late night anxiety and his 209 00:12:34.360 --> 00:12:38.080 calendar reminders. A few nights in a row, I caught 210 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:40.879 Greg texting at the dinner table, phone under the edge 211 00:12:40.919 --> 00:12:43.000 so the screen was hidden from my line of sight. 212 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:46.120 He started flipping it face down every time he left 213 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:49.200 the room, a new habit. Once, when I dropped my 214 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:52.080 fork and stooped to scoop it up, his hand darted 215 00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:56.399 across the tablecloth, sliding his phone into his lap. He smiled, 216 00:12:56.440 --> 00:13:00.840 apologetically made a joke about workerholicks anonymous, but I felt 217 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:05.080 the pressure twitch at my temples. Our friend started commenting. 218 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.919 At Naomi's wine and Candle's night, I arrived alone, the 219 00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.159 first time in months. Greg couldn't make it. He's usually 220 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:15.360 the first to R s v P. Steve grumbled, pouring 221 00:13:15.399 --> 00:13:19.759 me a finger of bourbon. Naomi asked me privately, everything okay. 222 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:23.519 Gregg's missed too in a row. He always loves causing 223 00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:28.399 trouble with Ali, even Paul, Gregg's friend since college. One 224 00:13:28.440 --> 00:13:32.120 of those rare friendships built on roasted chicken, indie bands, 225 00:13:32.159 --> 00:13:36.919 and shared hangover cures. Noticed at Friday dinner, Paul tipped 226 00:13:36.919 --> 00:13:39.639 his beer toward my hand. Not to be a cliche, 227 00:13:39.960 --> 00:13:42.960 but have you met the new partner, the Ssel person 228 00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:47.600 he's excited about. It hit me then. I'd never been invited, 229 00:13:47.960 --> 00:13:51.799 I'd never even seen a photo. Gregg dismissed it when 230 00:13:51.840 --> 00:13:55.159 I mentioned it later. It's just heads down work right now. 231 00:13:55.639 --> 00:13:59.559 When the project raps, I'll bring every one together. But 232 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:02.759 the list of excuses began to weld together. He started 233 00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:06.399 coming home after I'd gone to bed, keys rattling past midnight, 234 00:14:06.600 --> 00:14:10.000 tiptoeing around like a teenager after curfew. When I asked 235 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:13.080 how the pitch went, he'd say good, good, just wiped 236 00:14:13.320 --> 00:14:16.039 and vanished to the bathroom or to catch up on emails. 237 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.960 That tiredness became his new armor. Too tired for our 238 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.080 favorite climbing gym, too tired for brunch, too tired for sex. 239 00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:28.480 If I pressed, he'd muster a little energy, a compliment 240 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:32.039 for my hair, a squeeze of my fingers, and then retreat. 241 00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:36.639 One night, Gregg showered late, steam filling our tiny bathroom. 242 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:38.840 I was heading in to brush my teeth, when his 243 00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:42.200 phone buzzed on the bedside table. I swear I intended 244 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:44.799 only to relocate it before he got it wet, But 245 00:14:44.840 --> 00:14:48.279 the screen glowed with an incoming call. S not s 246 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:51.840 L just S. My mind raised. Before I could act, 247 00:14:51.960 --> 00:14:55.279 Gregg appeared, hair dripping, towel loose at his hips, and 248 00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:58.559 froze when he saw my hand on his phone. There 249 00:14:58.600 --> 00:15:02.559 was a moment half a second where his face went blank, unreadable, 250 00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:07.240 before sliding into a cartoonish smile. Logistics call, he said, 251 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:10.720 swiping it from my hand, essel is a nightmare about 252 00:15:10.759 --> 00:15:14.120 late deadlines. He was dry eyed, but his voice was 253 00:15:14.159 --> 00:15:17.000 pitched high over eager, like he was trying to convince 254 00:15:17.080 --> 00:15:20.399 himself as much as me. After he disappeared into the 255 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:22.919 living room, I plucked his jacket from the couch to 256 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:25.960 hang it up. Another thing he'd gotten worse about lately. 257 00:15:26.440 --> 00:15:29.720 His wallet fell out. As I gathered it, a crumpled 258 00:15:29.759 --> 00:15:33.600 receipt peeped from an inside pocket. Curious, I smoothed it 259 00:15:33.639 --> 00:15:38.120 out Upscale Restaurant last Thursday. The date matched a night 260 00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:41.000 he'd claimed to be at a networking mixer, promising he'd 261 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:46.120 bring home dessert. He hadn't. I stood there receipt limp 262 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:49.879 in my fist, logic crawling through my mind. Networking dinners 263 00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:52.279 could happen anywhere, but this wasn't one of his goat 264 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:56.159 o coworking bars. My fingers trembled, I dropped the paper, 265 00:15:56.360 --> 00:15:59.240 forced myself to Breathe Was I really going to become 266 00:15:59.279 --> 00:16:01.919 the kind of part who sniffed receipts and read into 267 00:16:01.960 --> 00:16:06.480 buzzed calls? Wasn't this all just pressure, Gregg building something 268 00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:09.840 new with his work, me projecting because I felt left behind. 269 00:16:10.919 --> 00:16:13.799 The thought chased its tail with every brush off and 270 00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:17.720 every apology Gregg made that seemed painted on and immediate. 271 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.039 That Sunday, instead of coffee and quassas together, I found 272 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:25.799 him at the computer, deep into an indesigned file, headphones 273 00:16:25.840 --> 00:16:28.799 clamped across his ears. I wrote him a note, want 274 00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:31.159 to hike, and left it with a packet of his 275 00:16:31.240 --> 00:16:35.120 favorite spiced almonds. By noon, the note was still there, 276 00:16:35.639 --> 00:16:39.559 the almonds were gone, but so was Greg. That evening, 277 00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:42.360 I lay on our bed, eyes aching, and remembered a 278 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:45.519 night years before, wine drunk on a rooftop after a 279 00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:48.840 particularly bad week at my job. I confessed my terror 280 00:16:48.840 --> 00:16:51.200 that his career would take him places I couldn't follow 281 00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:54.240 that he'd leave as soon as things felt stuck. Greg 282 00:16:54.279 --> 00:16:57.399 had squeezed my hand and said quietly, work will never 283 00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:59.960 matter more than you if it starts to tell me. 284 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.159 The memory didn't make me feel better. It made me 285 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:07.319 wonder if I'd already missed my chance. I opened my journal, 286 00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:11.960 wanting to write a single logical list evidence verses insecurity, 287 00:17:12.440 --> 00:17:15.720 but my pen hovered above the paper, unable to land. 288 00:17:16.759 --> 00:17:19.680 I thought about calling Naomi. She'd know what to say, 289 00:17:19.880 --> 00:17:21.599 or at least would let me cry it out before 290 00:17:21.640 --> 00:17:25.559 circling back to rationality. But the words I think Greg 291 00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:28.160 is lying to me felt too heavy to utter, like 292 00:17:28.200 --> 00:17:32.279 they de turned suspicion into an accusation I couldn't take back. Instead, 293 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:36.079 I started jotting down Greg's absences, the odd receipts, every 294 00:17:36.079 --> 00:17:39.839 time he mentioned essel and ducked the subject. I wrote, 295 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:44.599 then crossed everything out, then started again. The distance between 296 00:17:44.680 --> 00:17:48.920 us stretched, but didn't snap. Finally, it was a Wednesday, 297 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:52.240 after a long, headache inducing day when I couldn't stand it. 298 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:55.799 I poured a glass of wine, turned off my phone, 299 00:17:56.160 --> 00:17:58.880 and sat across from Greg at the kitchen table as 300 00:17:58.880 --> 00:18:02.960 he worked on his laptop. Hey, I said quietly, and 301 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:06.759 waited until he looked up. He seemed surprised, searching my 302 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:09.359 face as if for a hint of land after days 303 00:18:09.400 --> 00:18:14.240 at sea. I'm worried about you, I offered, gentle, not accusatory. 304 00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:17.440 You're not really sleeping. I haven't seen you eat a 305 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:21.000 real meal in days. Are you O? K? Or? Is 306 00:18:21.039 --> 00:18:23.680 there something I should know about this project that's eating 307 00:18:23.720 --> 00:18:28.720 your life? Gregg blinked. It's been rough eSeL's project is 308 00:18:28.759 --> 00:18:31.240 it's a big deal, live like make or break for 309 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:34.799 the whole year, high pressure, tight turnerans. I'll be able 310 00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:38.160 to breathe again soon, I promise. He met my eyes. 311 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:41.880 An apology flickering there, but it didn't linger. I just 312 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:44.960 miss you, I whispered, and that was true. I hate 313 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:48.960 feeling shut out, he shot me a half smile. You're 314 00:18:48.960 --> 00:18:51.759 not shut out. I'm just in a tunnel. I want 315 00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:53.480 to get to the end of it before I show 316 00:18:53.519 --> 00:18:58.279 you what I've built, I nodded, swallowing disappointment. Is there 317 00:18:58.359 --> 00:19:02.440 anything I can do? He touched my hand. Not unless 318 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:05.559 you want to write pitch decks for s L. Sam Lucas. 319 00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:09.759 By the way, He's complicated, but important for my freelance stuff. 320 00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:13.480 Gregg's voice was almost light now, as if saying the 321 00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:17.839 name made it true. He glanced at his phone. Actually, 322 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:21.039 he hesitated, I want you to meet Sam. There's a 323 00:19:21.119 --> 00:19:25.519 drink's thing after the pitch. Tuesday, you should come. Relief, 324 00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:28.839 tentative and half borne, fluttered in me. I'd like that. 325 00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:33.680 Tuesday came and I pressed a new dress, feeling faintly 326 00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:36.880 ridiculous for prepping for a client event like a first date. 327 00:19:37.720 --> 00:19:41.039 Gregg was warmer than he'd been in weeks, cracking jokes 328 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:44.240 on the subway, holding my hand as he navigated toward 329 00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:47.519 a bar on Tenth Avenue I vaguely remembered from some 330 00:19:47.640 --> 00:19:52.640 launch party years before. Inside we found Sam Lucas, a 331 00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:57.000 sharply dressed, sandy haired guy about Gregg's age. Sam flashed 332 00:19:57.000 --> 00:19:59.599 a wedding ring as he shook my hand, then talked 333 00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:03.240 for agent about how Greg's designs saved the launch, and 334 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:07.119 flipped effortlessly between tech gossip and game theory. He ribbed 335 00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:11.000 Greg about his workload. He's always this cheerful when stressed, 336 00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:14.880 Sam asked me, squeezing his eyes at Greg with exaggerated 337 00:20:14.920 --> 00:20:20.000 conspiratorial humor. The night was pleasant. Maybe even fun. The 338 00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:23.920 drinks were good, the banter casual, and I found myself relaxing, 339 00:20:24.200 --> 00:20:27.200 immersed in talk about sports and music and the subtle 340 00:20:27.319 --> 00:20:31.759 art of managing flaky freelance clients. Sam excused himself twice 341 00:20:31.799 --> 00:20:35.480 for phone calls. Both times Greg rolled his eyes the 342 00:20:35.559 --> 00:20:38.680 curse of the client's CEO. I let go of a 343 00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:42.440 breath I hadn't meant to hold. Afterward, Greg squeezed my 344 00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:45.920 hand and said, see, nothing nefarious, just a project and 345 00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:49.400 a lot riding on it. I felt sheepish. I believe you, 346 00:20:49.640 --> 00:20:52.000 I told him, and then truly for a few days 347 00:20:52.039 --> 00:20:55.319 I did. The frost between us melted. Greg spent a 348 00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:58.160 Saturday with me at the farmer's market, even shared a 349 00:20:58.240 --> 00:21:01.279 lazy brunch with two of our coupled friends. We made 350 00:21:01.319 --> 00:21:05.319 love that night. Clumsy, needing to reconnect, I told myself 351 00:21:05.319 --> 00:21:09.119 it was all just stress. The following Thursday, while sorting 352 00:21:09.160 --> 00:21:12.000 laundry before bed, I found his tablet on top of 353 00:21:12.039 --> 00:21:15.960 the sheets. Greg always left screens everywhere, and decided to 354 00:21:15.960 --> 00:21:18.960 plug it in for him. I tapped it on, half distracted, 355 00:21:19.000 --> 00:21:21.400 wanting to queue up a playlist for morning. On the 356 00:21:21.440 --> 00:21:25.960 home screen, a PDF flicked into preview welcome packet, Siena 357 00:21:26.119 --> 00:21:29.480 l I paused, frowning. This wasn't the Sam Lucas I 358 00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:33.440 just met. Waking Greg would have been pointless. He was 359 00:21:33.480 --> 00:21:36.319 out cold in the living room, a blanket thrown over 360 00:21:36.359 --> 00:21:40.119 his feet, snoring, softly faced, lemon yellow in the lamp light. 361 00:21:40.799 --> 00:21:43.960 I sat there, listening to the city sirens, the tablet 362 00:21:44.039 --> 00:21:47.759 heavy in my hands. The initials were the same essel, 363 00:21:47.880 --> 00:21:52.079 but they belonged to some one else. Sleep didn't come easily. 364 00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:55.839 By the next afternoon, I was at my desk, calender 365 00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:59.759 blocked for deep work, searching client names on LinkedIn, on Google, 366 00:21:59.799 --> 00:22:04.359 in archived email newsletters, buried between branding portfolios and meet 367 00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:08.640 up recaps, I found her, Siena LaVoi, freelance photographer and 368 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:12.279 digital creative. She hadn't worked with Greg before, at least 369 00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:15.319 not in any public way. Her bio listed half a 370 00:22:15.359 --> 00:22:21.400 dozen agencies, three magazine projects, two recent exhibitions. On her website, 371 00:22:21.559 --> 00:22:25.519 under Collaborations was a carousel of work featuring Greg's name 372 00:22:25.559 --> 00:22:29.000 as the designer. There were behind the scenes shots Siena 373 00:22:29.079 --> 00:22:31.960 out on a rainy city block, Greg crouched beside her, 374 00:22:32.279 --> 00:22:35.720 both laughing at something cropped tantalizingly out of frame. I 375 00:22:35.759 --> 00:22:40.160 clicked through months of posts. The tags trendy bars, restaurants, 376 00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:44.000 familiar from those receipts, late night pizza, haunts in neighborhoods. 377 00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:48.680 Greg's swore he hated trekking to the language was easy, intimate, 378 00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:51.759 lost in edits all night. Thanks at Greg Taler for 379 00:22:51.799 --> 00:22:55.720 fueling the madness with caffeine and bad jokes. Another post, 380 00:22:56.039 --> 00:22:59.160 when your partner brings the stormy color palette and all 381 00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:03.839 you can do is yes. Comments were peppered with emojis, artistic, 382 00:23:04.119 --> 00:23:08.640 sometimes flirty. Maybe nothing may be everything. I sat with 383 00:23:08.720 --> 00:23:11.759 my phone in my hand, pulse wild brain as slurry, 384 00:23:12.200 --> 00:23:15.880 had Greg my Greg written out and entire Sam Lucas 385 00:23:16.359 --> 00:23:18.680 just to have someone to display to me? Or was 386 00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:21.519 Siena just one cog in a team with Sam? And 387 00:23:21.599 --> 00:23:25.240 I was spinning this too far? At dinner, I tested 388 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:29.079 the wire. Who's Siena, I asked, dropping her name in 389 00:23:29.119 --> 00:23:33.440 the middle of a bite. Greg stiffened, then slid into nonchalance. 390 00:23:33.960 --> 00:23:37.599 Part of the creative team. She's a photographer and coordinator. 391 00:23:37.920 --> 00:23:41.880 I barely see her projects are mostly remote. It sounded 392 00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:46.240 smooth but too practiced. I let it ride, eating because 393 00:23:46.319 --> 00:23:50.279 chewing was easier than talking, but doubt pressed into every syllable. 394 00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:55.079 That night, Greg stayed up late, sketchbook open, typing and scribbling. 395 00:23:55.599 --> 00:23:58.880 I watched his face flicker in the lamp light, concentration, 396 00:23:59.240 --> 00:24:04.000 a half smile, the ghost of something else. The next night, Friday, 397 00:24:04.319 --> 00:24:07.880 Naomi texted me just after nine saw Greg a Gallery 398 00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:10.599 forty eight with a stunning redhead. Thought you were out 399 00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:16.359 of town Roman twenty. The words blurred, then sharpened. Gallery 400 00:24:16.440 --> 00:24:19.400 forty eight was three blocks from our apartment, and though 401 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:22.759