WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.440 Saturday mornings aren't supposed to feel like this, like a 2 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:11.439 series of polite excuses standing in for something warm. This 3 00:00:11.599 --> 00:00:15.039 one started out hopeful enough for a change. I woke 4 00:00:15.080 --> 00:00:18.399 before my alarm, sunlight folding through the curtains with that 5 00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:21.679 lazy gold tilt. You only get three months a year 6 00:00:21.719 --> 00:00:26.120 in this city in theory, an ideal Saturday. In practice, 7 00:00:26.280 --> 00:00:30.000 I already sensed a hollow. A market ritual is a 8 00:00:30.039 --> 00:00:32.600 small thing, but it's the one fixed star in a 9 00:00:32.600 --> 00:00:35.799 week that spins too fast. It started when we first 10 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:39.520 moved in together, the giddy early stage, when you romanticize errands, 11 00:00:39.880 --> 00:00:43.520 the weekly combination of fresh sowdow, tiny batch cheeses, and 12 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:46.359 whoever happened to be busking on the avenue. We'd make 13 00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.880 a whole thing out of it. Coffee pastries, swapping opinions 14 00:00:49.880 --> 00:00:54.000 about the latest artisanal trend, planning meals we'd probably never 15 00:00:54.039 --> 00:00:59.920 get around to cooking. Silly but real it was ours. You, 16 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:02.280 usually finishing a shift at six or seven a m. 17 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:05.840 Sometimes later. I used to love the way he'd step in, 18 00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:09.560 smelling of bourbon and bitters, energizing the room even with 19 00:01:09.680 --> 00:01:13.239 exhaustion in his bones. This morning, I lined up two 20 00:01:13.359 --> 00:01:16.760 mugs next to the press set our canvas bags, washed 21 00:01:16.760 --> 00:01:21.920 the strawberries as quietly as I could, all these motions habitual, stubborn, 22 00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:26.680 little faiths. My phone buzzed at six eleven a m 23 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:31.439 a text that shouldn't have pricked quite so sharply, Sorry, babe, 24 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:35.680 supplier wants to do an early tasting. Love you. The 25 00:01:35.719 --> 00:01:39.359 words themselves are bland, it was the tone, not cruel, 26 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:44.480 not dismissive, but so operational. Supplier once not, I'll be late, 27 00:01:44.719 --> 00:01:46.719 but I'll try to hurry or rain check on the 28 00:01:46.799 --> 00:01:50.840 quassas he added love you as a formality. I lingered 29 00:01:50.879 --> 00:01:53.519 on the message for a full minute, thumb hovering over 30 00:01:53.519 --> 00:01:56.439 the screen, like maybe I could draw something more caring 31 00:01:56.480 --> 00:02:00.439 out of it if I blinked harder. I replied, okay, 32 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:03.799 good luck, with a little smiley emoji that didn't match 33 00:02:03.840 --> 00:02:06.879 my face at all. I kept the message light, like 34 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.560 we always do. Our private joke earned after years of 35 00:02:10.599 --> 00:02:14.800 seeing couple's spiral into melodrama over trivial moods. We'd always 36 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:17.840 prided ourselves on our ability to brush things off, to 37 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:22.400 hold the larger story together. And yet standing there pouring 38 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:24.759 his coffee into a therm as he wouldn't claim. I 39 00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:28.400 felt a specific disappointment I couldn't quite name. Not anger, 40 00:02:28.599 --> 00:02:31.960 not suspicion, yet, just a sensation that my mourning had 41 00:02:31.960 --> 00:02:36.840 been gently appropriated, someone else's priority inserted between us. We'd 42 00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:41.639 missed market before dozens of times, over real conflicts, hangovers, 43 00:02:41.879 --> 00:02:45.360 last minute calls, but this felt like a script change. 44 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:49.400 Only he'd been handed. At eight thirty seven, Thinking of 45 00:02:49.400 --> 00:02:51.960 sticking my nose out for the paper, I noticed the 46 00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:54.639 half open closet door and the empty hook meant for 47 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:58.319 his navy scarf. Not a lightweight, decorative thing, but his 48 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:02.400 favorite thick marino faded along the ends, always draped on 49 00:03:02.439 --> 00:03:05.680 his coat during cold months. But it was April, the 50 00:03:05.759 --> 00:03:08.639 chill barely enough to raise goose bumps, and he hadn't 51 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:11.680 worn it for at least three weeks. He's particular about 52 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:15.400 these things, always has been. I grabbed it off the 53 00:03:15.400 --> 00:03:18.439 hook in my mind, then realized there was nothing to grab. 54 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:22.400 Staring at that empty corner, I asked myself, since when 55 00:03:22.439 --> 00:03:25.960 does supplier mean weak ends? And who dresses up for it? 56 00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:29.360 Bundles up when you barely need a jacket? A microscopic 57 00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:33.560 shiver across my skin a warning, or just ordinary nerves 58 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:38.199 amplified by lack of sleep, I scolded myself. Surely I 59 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:41.439 was being paranoid. He's always run on bar world hours, 60 00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:44.360 and I understand that the industry's rhythms aren't designed to 61 00:03:44.400 --> 00:03:48.080 align with normal couple rituals. I tried to remember if 62 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:50.960 he'd taken that scarf for a reason. Maybe he'd needed 63 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.520 to run out for a cigarette after his shift. Maybe 64 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:55.599 he'd left it at the bar. Maybe he was just 65 00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.680 covering a hickey, for all I knew. I snorted at 66 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:03.960 that dark humor, No suspicion intended, but my laugh sounded 67 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.039 thin in the echoing quiet of our apartment. I made 68 00:04:08.039 --> 00:04:11.199 my own coffee, sipped it by the open window. The 69 00:04:11.280 --> 00:04:15.159 morning was cool, crisp, just audible with city life. I 70 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.160 told myself to wait, to trust, to honor the easer 71 00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:21.439 going us we'd always insisted on being, But I couldn't 72 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:24.040 quite shake the feeling that the morning that was supposed 73 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:29.160 to be mine ours was now mysteriously not. The thing 74 00:04:29.199 --> 00:04:32.879 about trust is how it grows deep, invisible ropes between lives. 75 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:36.160 You tug, you test, and if you're lucky, it holds. 76 00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:39.879 Six years, we'd built something strong enough to balance on. 77 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.199 The first time I met him, the city was still 78 00:04:43.199 --> 00:04:46.279 new to both of us. It was my second product launch, 79 00:04:46.519 --> 00:04:49.639 a pop up gallery, half my salary, gamboled on rented 80 00:04:49.720 --> 00:04:52.959 lights and white walls. He was slinging cocktails behind a 81 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:56.680 makeshift bar, laughs, echoing up to the rafters, making jokes 82 00:04:56.680 --> 00:04:59.959 with a confidence that bordered on mischief. My friend Lana, 83 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:03.959 who'd curated the show, dragged me over, whispered, you need 84 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:07.759 to meet this one. Trust me. He poured something citrusy, 85 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:11.839 grinned that off beat, unstudded grin, and said, you look 86 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:14.560 like someone with too many ideas and not enough time. 87 00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:18.480 We were hooked within days. The life we built was 88 00:05:18.519 --> 00:05:23.000 compressed and busy, stitched together from mutual friends, work obsessions, 89 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:27.079 two loud dinners, and pause button passion. Our apartment, a 90 00:05:27.120 --> 00:05:29.959 third floor walk up above a hair salon, was close 91 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:32.519 enough to the night life strip that we'd sometimes drift 92 00:05:32.519 --> 00:05:34.920 to sleep to the sound of crowds, or wake at 93 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:37.240 two a m. To a new playlist thumping from the 94 00:05:37.240 --> 00:05:41.160 bar he managed. He reveled in the chaos, bartending first, 95 00:05:41.480 --> 00:05:45.040 then stepping up to bar manager last winter. With the 96 00:05:45.079 --> 00:05:48.720 new responsibilities came erratic hours and a sudden crop of 97 00:05:48.800 --> 00:05:54.079 supplier meetings and manager checkins, odd but understandable. I believed 98 00:05:54.160 --> 00:05:58.600 him easily. I wanted to. My work is a different beast. 99 00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:03.360 Design runs on deadlines, client drama, creative droughts that threatened 100 00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:06.600 to empty the bank account. I built my studio fast, 101 00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:10.639 stacked with hope, but it's always been precarious. I've envied 102 00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:13.560 his steadiness, even when the bar world is wild with 103 00:06:13.639 --> 00:06:17.560 stories and flings, He's always come home, always bragged about 104 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:21.639 resisting temptations of the scene. I liked being the exception. 105 00:06:22.759 --> 00:06:25.680 Week Days were separate planets. He'd roll in for breakfast 106 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:28.639 while I'd already be on my second coffee laptop glowing. 107 00:06:29.160 --> 00:06:32.560 But on week nds, unless the universe intervened, we belonged 108 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:37.639 to each other, market coffee, pastry, easy conversation, dinner parties 109 00:06:37.639 --> 00:06:41.720 followed by impromptu park walks. Sometimes he'd sneak into my meetings, 110 00:06:41.959 --> 00:06:44.959 bringing coffee and making all my stressed clients like him 111 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.439 better than they liked me. We joked that he was 112 00:06:47.480 --> 00:06:51.399 the charmer and I was the engineer. This past year, 113 00:06:51.439 --> 00:06:54.759 though the air between us thickened. His promotion came as 114 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:58.639 the city stumbled through a weird, tense winter bar politics. 115 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:02.279 He called it rolling his eyes at every mension. More 116 00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:06.279 money theoretically, but extra hours swallowed most of it. I 117 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:09.360 kept telling him I was proud. I meant it still 118 00:07:09.480 --> 00:07:13.560 Doe in a way. He's always been magnetic. Women and 119 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.199 men linger at the edge of his stories. He loves 120 00:07:16.240 --> 00:07:19.800 the energy, the spotlight, the randomness of strangers who become 121 00:07:19.879 --> 00:07:23.519 drinking buddies or temporary confidants. It used to amuse me, 122 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:27.720 this parade of brief infatuations that never really threatened anything. 123 00:07:28.399 --> 00:07:31.319 I liked his easy warmth, his lack of jealousy over 124 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:35.040 my own late nights, and affectionate coworker hugs. Neither of 125 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:38.759 us is a clinger, or so we said. Lately, though 126 00:07:38.759 --> 00:07:42.519 I'd felt exposed. Business had been down since New year S, 127 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:45.600 and the possibility of missing peril for my tiny teams 128 00:07:45.639 --> 00:07:49.639 shadowed most mornings. He was my ballast, a recurring comfort 129 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:53.519 to lean on, to distract myself with. Sometimes, after a 130 00:07:53.560 --> 00:07:56.079 brutal week, I'd crawl on to the couch and lie 131 00:07:56.120 --> 00:07:59.480 across his lap, letting him read the news aloud. Both 132 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:03.279 of us say, in that small slice of piece, maybe 133 00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:06.680 that's what hurts, the quiet assumption that the other person 134 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.959 is your keeper, only for that feeling to be replaced 135 00:08:10.000 --> 00:08:13.480 without warning by a cold vacancy you're not sure how 136 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:17.399 to fill. He missed another market two weeks after the 137 00:08:17.399 --> 00:08:21.439 scarf morning. This time he didn't call, didn't text, just 138 00:08:21.560 --> 00:08:24.000 arrived at nearly noon as I was folding up by 139 00:08:24.000 --> 00:08:26.959 the window, half way through a pot of French press 140 00:08:27.160 --> 00:08:31.879 and a new design brief. Hey, sorry, inventory ran late, 141 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:34.759 he said, as he kicked off his boots, mud caked 142 00:08:34.799 --> 00:08:38.360 though it hadn't rained. I crashed at Gabe's. Didn't want 143 00:08:38.360 --> 00:08:41.639 to wake you up at four. He avoided my gaze 144 00:08:41.679 --> 00:08:44.919 while dumping his jacket and backpack beside the door. I 145 00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:47.559 watched him from the table, weighing my options for how 146 00:08:47.600 --> 00:08:51.679 to greet him. He moved fast, shoes off, jacket, unzipped, 147 00:08:51.919 --> 00:08:54.720 straight for the shower, saying, need to get the bar 148 00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:58.480 off me. Gross. His voice was a beat quicker than usual. 149 00:08:59.519 --> 00:09:03.240 Rough ight. I called after him, No answer, just running water. 150 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:06.840 The scarf, his favorite, was bawled up at the bottom 151 00:09:06.840 --> 00:09:09.440 of his bag, wet at one end. I picked it up, 152 00:09:09.639 --> 00:09:12.440 turned it over in my hands, noting a faint perfume. 153 00:09:12.440 --> 00:09:15.759 I didn't quite recognize. Not mine, not any one's. I 154 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:21.080 could name musky, almost spicy, with something bright underneath. When 155 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:24.360 he emerged, towel around his waist, he moved past me 156 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:27.679 to the bedroom to dress. Normally he'd plant a kiss 157 00:09:27.720 --> 00:09:31.559 on my head, ask about my plans, offer comic observations 158 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:35.440 about the previous night. Not this time, I tried. You know, 159 00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:39.080 maybe I should meet these mysterious suppliers. Could use another 160 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:43.480 coffee wreck, he half laughed. Trust me, you'd be bored 161 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:48.279 to tears. Bunch of old guys with spreadsheets and gin samples. Anyway, 162 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:53.399 you'd hate the warehouse warehouse. I still watched him. He 163 00:09:53.480 --> 00:09:57.279 stared at his phone instead of me. Yeah, sometimes we'd 164 00:09:57.279 --> 00:10:02.480 double up inventory with tastings. Keeps everyone happy. I nodded, 165 00:10:02.519 --> 00:10:06.799 as if that made sense. He changed his cologne. He's 166 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:09.159 the sort who doesn't often bother, but to day he 167 00:10:09.240 --> 00:10:12.480 wore a crisp woodsy scent with a hint of citrus, 168 00:10:12.480 --> 00:10:16.559 something new and expensive, nothing like the standard bottle gathering 169 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:20.360 dust on his dresser. You switch it up, I asked, 170 00:10:20.559 --> 00:10:26.879 as lightly as I could haul your cologne. Nice oh 171 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:29.440 swag from the supplier, trying to make us all wear 172 00:10:29.480 --> 00:10:33.720 their brand profel gimmick right. He slipped a shirt on 173 00:10:33.879 --> 00:10:37.840 without looking at me directly. I smiled, filed it away, 174 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:42.440 and forced myself to believe the explanation. That afternoon, we 175 00:10:42.519 --> 00:10:46.320 drifted along as if the morning hadn't happened. He made eggs, 176 00:10:46.559 --> 00:10:49.720 told half a story about a rude patron, then retreated 177 00:10:49.759 --> 00:10:53.720 into foam scrolling. I tried to dismiss the sense of disconnect, 178 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:58.559 arguing with myself. He's loyal, always has been. I reminded 179 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:02.200 myself how many times we traded stories about jealous couples, 180 00:11:02.480 --> 00:11:05.720 how we'd sworn to never let our trust rust into suspicion. 181 00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:09.440 That night, when he finally fell asleep, I watched him 182 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:13.320 for a while, muscles slackened by fatigue, breath soft, I 183 00:11:13.399 --> 00:11:17.159 lay awake, untethered by a restless, repetitive dream. He was 184 00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:20.159 laughing among strangers at a party. His back turned to me, 185 00:11:20.559 --> 00:11:23.879 every word swept away by the crowd. I reached for him, 186 00:11:23.879 --> 00:11:27.399 but found only air. I woke already missing him, even 187 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:30.120 though his arm was draped over my waist and the 188 00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:33.799 first ray of light was still hours away. Let's do 189 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:38.000 dinner to morrow. You're pick I'll clock out early. I'd 190 00:11:38.000 --> 00:11:42.039 texted him on Wednesday, after a particularly long client draining day. 191 00:11:42.639 --> 00:11:45.480 I sent it half out of hope, half as a test. 192 00:11:46.559 --> 00:11:50.679 He responded three hours later, rain check staff meeting at 193 00:11:50.759 --> 00:11:54.879 nine might go late next week for shore A staff 194 00:11:55.039 --> 00:11:58.600 meeting the sort that six months ago warranted a martini 195 00:11:58.679 --> 00:12:01.639 at home and a complaining session over Ramen at two 196 00:12:01.720 --> 00:12:04.559 in the morning. Now it had become code for don't 197 00:12:04.600 --> 00:12:08.159 wait up. I comforted myself with dinner from the deli, 198 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:11.679 a glass of cold Chardonnay, and a nose dive into 199 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:16.519 old emails. I told myself not to catastrophize. He'd gotten 200 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:20.360 more active on Instagram again, first just his usual stories 201 00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:24.200 about local events, then popping up in photos tagged by 202 00:12:24.240 --> 00:12:28.000 his co workers industry people I only recognized from our 203 00:12:28.039 --> 00:12:32.559 holiday party. I scrolled a little too intently, freezing when 204 00:12:32.600 --> 00:12:34.960 I saw his arm around a woman with spiky blue 205 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:38.720 hair captioned the New Dream Team. Her posts cropped up 206 00:12:38.720 --> 00:12:41.519 everywhere in his circle over the next week. Her name 207 00:12:41.639 --> 00:12:44.360 was Jamie, a bartender like him by the look of 208 00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:47.039 her well used hands and a half sleeve of tattoos. 209 00:12:47.600 --> 00:12:51.200 On his photos. Her comments were breezy inside jokes about 210 00:12:51.279 --> 00:12:55.519 drink names off hand tags about chaos, shifts, emojis I 211 00:12:55.559 --> 00:13:00.639 didn't recognize. They teased each other publicly a little too easily. 212 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:04.960 Jealousy is an odd taste, like something metallic in your mouth, 213 00:13:05.200 --> 00:13:09.159 impossible to swallow completely. I wasn't the jealous type, or 214 00:13:09.159 --> 00:13:13.080 so I'd always insisted. But the threads tangled. I noticed 215 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:16.039 that when I mentioned her a casual hay Is Jamie 216 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:19.159 new he demurred, called her a good ad to the crew, 217 00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:22.440 shrugged off my questions by focusing on her drink skills. 218 00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:26.559 She can free poor triple speed. You be hypnotized? Was 219 00:13:26.600 --> 00:13:29.759 it affection? Boredom? Did I want it to be something else? 220 00:13:30.200 --> 00:13:34.360 I was adrift, hoping for a simple, rational answer. A 221 00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:37.519 few days later, I grabbed coffee with Meyer, one of 222 00:13:37.519 --> 00:13:40.519 our oldest mutual friends and a graphic designer in my 223 00:13:40.639 --> 00:13:43.759 coworking space. She'd known us both since we were that 224 00:13:43.879 --> 00:13:48.240 hot couple making out at Lana's karaoke birthday. After small 225 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:52.240 talk about projects in our landlord's latest rent hike, she asked, 226 00:13:52.759 --> 00:13:57.399 so you survive Saturday? I frowned, Yeah, he had some 227 00:13:57.480 --> 00:14:01.360 supplier tasting thing. Again. I ended up reorganizing my digital 228 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:06.480 files wild times. Meyer's brow pinched just for a second, 229 00:14:06.519 --> 00:14:09.960 then she grinned. Wish I'd gotten that memo. We hit 230 00:14:10.080 --> 00:14:13.080 up your bar after the opening. He was in rare form, 231 00:14:13.480 --> 00:14:16.399 pouring shots for the new fam I think he called it. 232 00:14:16.919 --> 00:14:21.840 Gabe said, Jamie's winning every one over too. That was Saturday, 233 00:14:22.759 --> 00:14:27.080 yea like after ten why? I shrugged, trying to keep 234 00:14:27.080 --> 00:14:29.879 my tone airy. Thought he had an all day thing. 235 00:14:30.919 --> 00:14:34.519 She looked uncertain. Maybe he did. He showed up around 236 00:14:34.600 --> 00:14:39.240 ten thirty. I think my skin prickled. Not enough information, 237 00:14:39.480 --> 00:14:42.399 but enough to lodge a splinter of doubt. It didn't 238 00:14:42.399 --> 00:14:47.080 fit supplier event, then bar shift, then after hours drinks. 239 00:14:47.480 --> 00:14:49.960 I told myself there were plenty of ways the schedule 240 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.720 could overlap. Maybe the tasting ran late. He swung by 241 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:56.879 for a quick checkin, then left. Maybe Meyer had her 242 00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:00.679 nights mixed up. Still, when I walked home that afternoon, 243 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:04.799 her comment echoed in my head. That week, I tried 244 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:08.559 something new, a casual visit to his bar, unannounced, with 245 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:11.120 the excuse of bringing him a sample from a client, 246 00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:14.360 a logo concept mocked up on a cocktail napkin for 247 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:19.279 his review. I waited outside for a minute, stealing myself inside. 248 00:15:19.399 --> 00:15:22.960 The energy was as manic as ever. His coworkers smiled, 249 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:26.080 but there was a wariness there, a carefulness in how 250 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:29.799 they greeted me. Hey, you heard your killing it with 251 00:15:29.879 --> 00:15:33.440 that new space, Jamie announced from behind the bar, voice 252 00:15:33.519 --> 00:15:36.440 high and bright. She poured a small taste of something 253 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.639 bright pink into a shot glass, slid it across the counter. 254 00:15:40.399 --> 00:15:44.759 How special for the boss is better half? I laughed, 255 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:47.679 a little forced as she winked at someone across the bar. 256 00:15:48.480 --> 00:15:52.240 Are you liking it here? I asked? Love it better 257 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:55.679 than my old spot by Myles? Honestly, this crew makes 258 00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:59.679 it easy. My partner emerged from the storeroom after a while, 259 00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:03.840 so prized genuinely it seemed to see me. Hey, you 260 00:16:03.919 --> 00:16:07.840 didn't text. Wanted to see you in your natural habitat, 261 00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:11.679 I joked, nudging the napkin. He glanced at the design, 262 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:14.720 but didn't linger, instead moving behind the bar to pour 263 00:16:14.799 --> 00:16:19.919 two beers. Eyes darting between Jamie and the till busy week, 264 00:16:20.240 --> 00:16:23.720 I asked, trying to keep the tone easy. He gave 265 00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:27.440 me a practiced smile. Nothing I can't handle. You want food? 266 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:31.519 Burghers are good to day? When I demurred, he busied 267 00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:35.279 himself with closing orders, occasionally leaning in to speed whisper 268 00:16:35.320 --> 00:16:39.000 some update to Jamie or Gabe. I watched as Jamie 269 00:16:39.080 --> 00:16:43.000 swiped her phone, showing him something He grinned, the kind 270 00:16:43.039 --> 00:16:45.159 of grin that used to be reserved just for me. 271 00:16:46.279 --> 00:16:49.960 I left after half an hour, feeling less reassured than before, 272 00:16:50.440 --> 00:16:53.159 half certain that every glance I had witnessed had been 273 00:16:53.159 --> 00:16:57.240 coded meant for some one else. That night, staring at 274 00:16:57.240 --> 00:17:01.360 our shared financial spreadsheet, I noticed three consecutive weekends with 275 00:17:01.399 --> 00:17:04.640 hefty charges to a cozy wine bar miles across the city. 276 00:17:05.200 --> 00:17:08.039 Not his regular haunt, not a dive, but the kind 277 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.000 of place you bring someone you want to impress. Each 278 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:14.759 tab was for two, sometimes multiples of two, late night 279 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:19.000 time stamps, always Fridays or Saturdays. He d told me 280 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:22.519 he was at inventory checks or supplier events during those slots. 281 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:26.079 I sat with it for an hour, cross checking receipts, 282 00:17:26.319 --> 00:17:30.880 searching for a plausible rationale, tasting with staff. Sure, but 283 00:17:30.960 --> 00:17:35.640 on week nds at a wine bar consistently. The next morning, 284 00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:38.279 over cereal, I tried to bring up a trip we'd 285 00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:41.759 planned last November to a food festival in another state, 286 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:45.640 something he'd been excited about for months. Should I start 287 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:49.640 looking at flights for spring or is your bar schedule impossible? 288 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:54.240 He blinked, scrambling for the right script. Let's hold off 289 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:57.400 a bit. Still don't know what's up with spring hours. 290 00:17:58.079 --> 00:18:01.599 Something in his voice was thinner more. I let it drop, 291 00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:04.720 and the rest of the day he was mostly adrift, pacing, 292 00:18:04.839 --> 00:18:08.680 scrolling his phone, declining my suggestions for an after lunch walk. 293 00:18:09.359 --> 00:18:11.799 That evening, when I wrapped an arm around his waist 294 00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:17.240 pressing clothes, he tensed, then patted my hand, just tired, babe, Stress, 295 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:21.359 I'll be back to normal soon. It was meant to reassure, 296 00:18:21.680 --> 00:18:24.160 but all it did was mark the change between us 297 00:18:24.160 --> 00:18:27.519 more sharply. The weeks stretched in front of me, a 298 00:18:27.559 --> 00:18:31.839 patchwork of miss cues and unanswered questions. At a Monday 299 00:18:31.960 --> 00:18:36.000 night art opening, I collided literally into Jamie by the 300 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:40.440 pop up bar. Woa, you're quick, she declared, catching my 301 00:18:40.519 --> 00:18:44.400 elbow as I steadied myself. Sorry, didn't see you there, 302 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:49.039 I said. She was easy, bright eyed, radiating that just 303 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:51.960 beneath the surface, mainly a people in night life seemed 304 00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:56.240 to cultivate. We fell into small talk, half shouting over music. 305 00:18:56.759 --> 00:18:59.960 She asked about my studio move mentioned a client i'd 306 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:03.079 lost the week before. I blinked, how did she know 307 00:19:03.160 --> 00:19:06.640 about that? Your guy told me? He said, you were 308 00:19:06.720 --> 00:19:10.240 running around like a headless chicken, trying to chase down payments. 309 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:14.599 I said, that's designer life, right. She meant it as 310 00:19:14.640 --> 00:19:17.680 a joke, maybe, but it left me with the uncomfortable 311 00:19:17.720 --> 00:19:20.519 realization that she knew things I hadn't told my own 312 00:19:20.599 --> 00:19:23.799 partner yet. Or maybe I had and he'd shared it 313 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:28.359 with her. I wasn't sure which scenario strung more. Later, 314 00:19:28.559 --> 00:19:32.079 clutching my phone for warmth outside, I found myself screen 315 00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:36.039 capping Jamie's Instagram stories her at some late night booth, 316 00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:39.680 him laughing in the background, a half drunk bottle of 317 00:19:39.720 --> 00:19:43.480 the same cologne he'd started using, artfully positioned next to 318 00:19:43.519 --> 00:19:47.039 a glass of what looked suspiciously like our Saturday Special. 319 00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:50.960 I saved a few receipts, too, tabbing them into a 320 00:19:51.000 --> 00:19:55.039 folder I labeled MISK. I wasn't proud of the covert 321 00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:58.000 where I was starting to hoard evidence, but I felt 322 00:19:58.039 --> 00:20:00.079 like a puzzle piece in some one else's game, a 323 00:20:00.680 --> 00:20:03.039 locked out of the image that my actual life was 324 00:20:03.079 --> 00:20:08.240 supposed to construct. Was this paranoia or a delayed awareness. 325 00:20:08.599 --> 00:20:11.480 Finally noticing what had always been hidden in plain sight. 326 00:20:12.039 --> 00:20:16.319 I traced the line between reasonable and paranoid until it blurred. 327 00:20:17.359 --> 00:20:20.839 The next week was a study in contrasts silence, then 328 00:20:20.920 --> 00:20:25.240 sudden performativity. At peak tension, he came home with flowers 329 00:20:25.279 --> 00:20:28.079 for the first time in a year, tulips all yellow, 330 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:32.200 my favorite. The card was simple, Sorry, I've been an asshole, 331 00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:36.680 works eating me alive, love you more than this bar life. 332 00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:40.039 He held me a little too tightly that night, apologizing 333 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:43.640 for his distance, telling me about bar drama, about a 334 00:20:43.680 --> 00:20:47.440 staff member who'd quit midshift, about suppliers who were impossible 335 00:20:47.480 --> 00:20:50.799 to pin down for more than five minutes. Each story 336 00:20:50.920 --> 00:20:54.839 was laced with fatigue, but also the underlying thread, I 337 00:20:54.920 --> 00:20:58.559 want to be here with you. I'm just overwhelmed. He 338 00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:01.279 was attentive the rest of the week, suggested we go 339 00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:04.400 together to the Saturday market, offered to cook dinner after 340 00:21:05.079 --> 00:21:07.240 For a day or two, I let myself believe in 341 00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:10.400 the reset. At the market, he made a production of 342 00:21:10.440 --> 00:21:14.599 greeting the bakery vendor, tried every cheese, bought my favorite 343 00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:18.480 almond Quassa, joked with the flour cellar about making up 344 00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:22.319 for lost time. We walked home with our hall sun 345 00:21:22.359 --> 00:21:25.319 on our backs, and for a fleeting moment, my world 346 00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:28.680 tilted back into the familiar shape. He wrapped his arm 347 00:21:28.759 --> 00:21:31.839 around me as we giggled over the uneven sidewalk bricks, 348 00:21:32.039 --> 00:21:35.559 promised weekend trips. We'll take a train up the coast. 349 00:21:35.799 --> 00:21:38.279 Get out of this cycle. I want us to really 350 00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:42.359 disconnect for once. That night, at home, I reached for 351 00:21:42.440 --> 00:21:45.359 his phone to set a reminder for groceries while he showered. 352 00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:49.720 Nothing nefarious. A message banner flashed on the lock screen, 353 00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:54.640 big and unsparing, can't wait for next time. Last night 354 00:21:54.759 --> 00:22:00.759 was amazing X. The name attached Jamie. My vision contracted. 355 00:22:01.200 --> 00:22:04.319 I set the phone back, resisting the urge to scroll deeper. 356 00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:08.200 Nothing was truly new, yet the finality was different this time. 357 00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:10.960 For a week, I'd convinced myself we were on the 358 00:22:10.960 --> 00:22:13.880 brink of recovering what we'd lost, when really I've been 359 00:22:13.920 --> 00:22:17.160 handed another slick cover story. I felt the weight of 360 00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:22.240 each small, reinterpreted moment, the early market scenes, the missing scarf, 361 00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:26.880 the carefully rationed affection, all crashing in at once. I 362 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:31.200 froze through dinner, replying in single syllables. My thoughts running 363 00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:35.039 wild That night, I barely slept, the blue glow of 364 00:22:35.079 --> 00:22:38.720 my phone, a tiny beacon in the dark. Had all 365 00:22:38.720 --> 00:22:42.839 that progress, the tiny resurgencies of intimacy, been nothing but 366 00:22:42.920 --> 00:22:47.400 another layer of deception. My mind looped back, searching for 367 00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:50.440 the pattern. I must have missed, the moments he'd deflected, 368 00:22:50.759 --> 00:22:54.680 the times he'd managed to cloak distance as care. In 369 00:22:54.720 --> 00:22:57.680 the pre dawn hush, I got up, wrapped myself in 370 00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:01.400 his old hoodie, and sat on the balcony, shivering. Every 371 00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:05.680 memory pressed in with new, sharper edges. I wasn't sure 372 00:23:05.720 --> 00:23:08.440 if I was mourning something lost or something that had 373 00:23:08.440 --> 00:23:12.160 never actually been there at all, but one thing felt certain. 374 00:23:12.599 --> 00:23:16.359 The surface was just that, a gloss hiding something far 375 00:23:16.519 --> 00:23:20.839 messier underneath, and beneath all the pain, something else grew 376 00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:25.640 slowly resolve. Not revenge, not even anger, just a tight, 377 00:23:25.960 --> 00:23:29.279 crystallizing certainty that I had to keep moving forward toward 378 00:23:29.319 --> 00:23:33.279 the truth, whatever it turned out to be. The sunrise 379 00:23:33.319 --> 00:23:37.200 finally turned the city steel blue, blurring my focus. Traffic 380 00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:41.000 hummed below ordinary, immune to my turmil I watched the 381 00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:45.160 world assemble itself, A neighbor with a daxen, someone hauling bread, 382 00:23:45.160 --> 00:23:47.680 crates to the brunch place on the corner, the three 383 00:23:47.720 --> 00:23:50.400 delivery trucks that always seemed to double park, no matter 384 00:23:50.480 --> 00:23:55.440 the hour. Their routines continued frictionless, while mine split into two, 385 00:23:55.960 --> 00:23:59.279 the outer shell that carried on and the inner secret observer, 386 00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:04.799 cataloging every possible misdirection. At six thirty, I brewed more coffee, 387 00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:07.519 my hands shaking as I remembered the message banner on 388 00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:10.880 his phone, the words wouldn't let me be? Last night 389 00:24:11.000 --> 00:24:13.960 was amazing? Had he come back from that staff meeting 390 00:24:14.079 --> 00:24:16.559 to climb into bed beside me? Had he kissed me 391 00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:19.920 before falling asleep? My skin crawled at the thought. But 392 00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:23.799 I made breakfast anyway, automatic, determined to control at least 393 00:24:23.799 --> 00:24:28.119 this food, the table, the small work of living. He 394 00:24:28.200 --> 00:24:31.599 came out of the bedroom, looking groggy, hair wild. He 395 00:24:31.640 --> 00:24:34.640 moved to Rinse's face in the kitchen sink, then pressed 396 00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:38.240 a kiss to my cheek, too casual. I willed myself 397 00:24:38.279 --> 00:24:43.680 not to flinch. How'd you sleep, he mumbled, fine, I said, 398 00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:47.240 a lie for a lie. He scrolled through his phone 399 00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:50.440 for a few seconds, thumb moving in little nervous jerks. 400 00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:53.759 I tried to catch a glimpse of his expression any tell, 401 00:24:54.160 --> 00:24:59.200