WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.480 The knife is probably overcal for soft cheese, but it's 2 00:00:07.480 --> 00:00:10.599 one of those Friday evenings when presentation feels like all 3 00:00:10.640 --> 00:00:14.679 there is. I'm slicing triple cream brie into meticulous triangles, 4 00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:18.839 arranging them between walnuts and quartered figs. One more round 5 00:00:18.839 --> 00:00:22.760 tray on a kitchen island littered with olives, race bottle sweats, 6 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:26.519 staccato texts from our group chat popping up on my phone, 7 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:31.160 the splash of sunset against the condo's west facing glass. 8 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:35.560 The prep is calming. I can almost believe everything is normal, 9 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:38.479 that I'm just annoyed about the late start and not 10 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:43.520 existentially uneasy. Six thirty The first ring at the door, 11 00:00:43.799 --> 00:00:46.960 Jamie and Priya, arms laden with wine and the same 12 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:50.079 brand of artisanal crackers we always end up mocking for 13 00:00:50.119 --> 00:00:53.200 being more air than biscuit. We greet with the usual 14 00:00:53.240 --> 00:00:57.320 exhaustion laden hugs, a shared empathy for everyone's week. I 15 00:00:57.399 --> 00:01:00.159 nearly don't look at my phone nearly, but there there 16 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:06.120 it is Michael's name. The teltal bars stuck at rehearsal. Sorry, babe, 17 00:01:06.200 --> 00:01:09.920 love you save me a glass. I stare at the message, 18 00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:13.879 my thumb hovering in the background. Jamie is laughing because 19 00:01:13.879 --> 00:01:17.680 Prias claimed Michael's usual spot on the arm chair, sprawling 20 00:01:17.719 --> 00:01:20.799 as if rehearsing to be him. They notice my pause 21 00:01:20.840 --> 00:01:23.799 at the text I'm about to make a joke, something 22 00:01:23.840 --> 00:01:27.920 about actors taking themselves too seriously, but the words catch 23 00:01:28.920 --> 00:01:33.680 He's not coming. Pria's concern is gently edged. He messaged, 24 00:01:33.959 --> 00:01:37.040 got held up again. I reply light as I can, 25 00:01:37.319 --> 00:01:39.799 which for me sounds like I'm reading off a checklist. 26 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.760 We slide into small talk. Well, they try food a 27 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:49.239 Netflix dock. Someone half watched Pria's new boss, Jamie's laundry disaster. 28 00:01:49.680 --> 00:01:52.519 But there's a stiffness, like my friends are over smiling 29 00:01:53.079 --> 00:01:57.000 every time Michael comes up his fantasy basketball league, the 30 00:01:57.079 --> 00:02:01.040 time he photo bombed Jamie's engagement shoot. Someone subtly re 31 00:02:01.159 --> 00:02:05.959 roots the subject, complaining about traffic, showing memes. I'm used 32 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:08.719 to being the fixed point in our group seven years. 33 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.719 Olivia and Michael, the dependable pair, the anchor friends. My 34 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:15.840 husband is supposed to sweep in late play, charming host, 35 00:02:16.199 --> 00:02:19.560 refill everyone's glasses with a grin that insists on dessert 36 00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:23.960 at midnight to night. The energy is what muted jittery 37 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:27.479 when Jamie starts stacking plates. Half Way through the meal, 38 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:31.599 I overhear Priyer in the kitchen, her voice low. Well, 39 00:02:31.680 --> 00:02:35.479 at least he's found something he loves. There's a silence, 40 00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:38.520 then an awkward laugh. I have no idea who she's 41 00:02:38.560 --> 00:02:41.520 talking to. I can't see, but the words stick to 42 00:02:41.560 --> 00:02:44.759 me as I scrape plates, red sauce and fig flesh 43 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:50.400 smeared and abandoned. Everything half eaten loves. Michael always dragged 44 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:53.719 his feet to anything resembling culture. The one time we 45 00:02:53.800 --> 00:02:57.719 saw a musical he complained about overacting and jazz hands 46 00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:01.879 for the next week. Wander back into the open living area, 47 00:03:02.120 --> 00:03:06.080 cradling a tray. I should let it go, but something buzzes, 48 00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:10.800 restless as a trapped gnat behind my ribs. Since when 49 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:15.520 does Michael love theater? It feels staged, almost the swipe 50 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:19.520 from evening brightness to suspicion. Of course, most marriages run 51 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:23.199 on routines, but ours always lived on running jokes. The 52 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:26.319 first time we met a gallery opening, I attended because 53 00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:29.280 my office mate bilaid he was there for networking too. 54 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:32.240 He'd been dumped for a mature filmmaker and had a 55 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:35.639 vendetta against installation art. I liked how He made fun 56 00:03:35.680 --> 00:03:38.759 of everything, including himself, and how quickly he dropped the 57 00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:42.680 act when we snuck outside for air then kebabs. He 58 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.960 spent the whole night ribbing gallery people and offering me 59 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:49.199 pieces of Peter, like we'd always been on the same team. 60 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.719 It worked for us. Michael's mouthy pragmatism and my steady calm. 61 00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:58.080 I do details. He does impressions, jumping from idea to idea, 62 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:02.439 never letting anything get too sick. He hated artsy stuff, 63 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:05.879 always said it was self indulgent. At our wedding, all 64 00:04:05.919 --> 00:04:09.120 our friends roasted us with stories about his total rejection 65 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:12.960 of culture, his obsession with live sports, and how most 66 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:17.680 of his wardrobe was branded Polos. We built our routines carefully. 67 00:04:18.040 --> 00:04:21.040 Friday nights here at the condo, friends every other weekend, 68 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:25.959 Jim on Wednesdays, lazy Sundays with takeout and architectural digest spreads. 69 00:04:25.959 --> 00:04:30.120 No one read. We made time date nights, foundations. If 70 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:32.680 you'd asked two months ago, I would have said Michael's 71 00:04:32.720 --> 00:04:35.920 devotion to me was his defining trait. It's a badge 72 00:04:35.959 --> 00:04:39.279 among our circle. My friends both roll their eyes and 73 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:42.279 turn misty whenever he sets up an impromptu picnic on 74 00:04:42.319 --> 00:04:46.120 a rooftop, or brings me coffee at my desk. Maybe 75 00:04:46.120 --> 00:04:49.920 I struggled more with insecurity. I'm the practical one, the 76 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:52.920 one with a spreadsheet for everything, the one who stashes 77 00:04:52.959 --> 00:04:57.639 away money, asks about cholesterol, fixes leaky forcets instead of 78 00:04:57.680 --> 00:05:02.040 calling building maintenance next time. Michael's bright burned charisma. I 79 00:05:02.120 --> 00:05:05.680 sometimes worried about being invisible. I used to laugh off 80 00:05:05.680 --> 00:05:09.279 his flirtations with flashier women at work parties, but never 81 00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:13.680 quite believed I'd keep his attention forever. I suppose I 82 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:17.959 convinced myself he didn't want flash, just steadiness, someone who'd 83 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:22.680 always come home. Things changed by degree. I first noticed 84 00:05:22.680 --> 00:05:25.319 when he mentioned the theater group. Two months ago, his 85 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:27.959 boss volunteered him to help with ticket sales for a 86 00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:31.480 company sponsored amateur troupe. Within two weeks, Michael had been 87 00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:34.839 roped into rehearsals. One of the leads dropped out, he said, 88 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:37.399 and they needed a guy who could fake not caring 89 00:05:37.480 --> 00:05:41.959 about Shakespeare. His texts became flecked with injoke references to 90 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:45.800 theatre tropes, posts about the magic of team work, never 91 00:05:45.879 --> 00:05:49.800 about the play itself. He'd stay late, then come home 92 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:54.040 light as air, telling elaborate stories about havoc in improv. 93 00:05:55.079 --> 00:05:58.720 Then he started skipping our Friday dinners altogether. The first 94 00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:01.879 time he apologized profure usely. They sprung new blocking on 95 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:05.360 us last minute. I'm so sorry. Next week I'll cook. 96 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:09.240 The second time he sent a pithy text rehearsal again, 97 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:13.439 love you. Third time, barely a wave of explanation. The 98 00:06:13.519 --> 00:06:19.360 pattern was unmistakable. He never wanted to talk specifics. It's embarrassing, babe, 99 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:21.839 and the worst on stage. You'd see me in file 100 00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:25.759 for divorce. He'd smile, but it felt distracted. Any time 101 00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:28.920 I pressed the play's name, the cast, even which theater 102 00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.680 he was using, he'd dodge. It's just the church basement, downtown, 103 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:37.240 tiny place you'd be bored, always laughing, always steering me 104 00:06:37.319 --> 00:06:41.759 towards safer ground. Tried, God knows. I tried to tell 105 00:06:41.759 --> 00:06:44.639 myself this was me being controlling. I'd stand at the 106 00:06:44.680 --> 00:06:47.519 window after he left, glass of wine in hand and 107 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:51.439 force myself to be the cool wife, independent, supportive, not 108 00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:55.279 the jealous sitcom cliche. Still, each time his phone sat 109 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:58.759 on the counter, dark and silent, I'd find myself glancing 110 00:06:59.160 --> 00:07:01.600 just to see if the theory group was as all consuming 111 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:04.480 as he claimed. For a guy who spent most waking 112 00:07:04.560 --> 00:07:09.360 moments broadcasting his life online, the quiet was jarring. No 113 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:14.879 cast selfies, no stories, no tagged rehearsals. Nothing. One night, 114 00:07:14.920 --> 00:07:19.040 while folding laundry, I caught myself opening his Instagram, scrolling 115 00:07:19.079 --> 00:07:22.360 all the way back through his feed. Not a single reference, 116 00:07:22.800 --> 00:07:25.560 no mutual follows with any one from the theater group. 117 00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:30.279 I felt petty, almost childish, getting hung up on internet footprints? 118 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:34.240 Was I really this possessive? Was I manufacturing tension out 119 00:07:34.279 --> 00:07:38.279 of thin air? And yet the feeling persisted, and all 120 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:41.519 so persistent. It curled up with me at night, refusing 121 00:07:41.560 --> 00:07:45.120 to be reasoned into nothing. My friend's circle, once a 122 00:07:45.160 --> 00:07:49.040 reliable buffer for doubt, started offering more questions than comfort. 123 00:07:49.600 --> 00:07:52.800 Praya texted me after yoga one week, saw Michael at 124 00:07:52.879 --> 00:07:56.120 Kismet late. Was that a cast thing? He was with 125 00:07:56.199 --> 00:08:01.360 someone redhead cute, looked deep in convojoining him after rehearsal. 126 00:08:02.439 --> 00:08:05.240 I read the text twice. The last time I saw 127 00:08:05.319 --> 00:08:08.879 Michael's rehearsal schedule, they finished at nine, not after ten 128 00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:13.959 like last night. I replied, Probably theater drinks. Weird crowd, right, 129 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:17.639 Priyer answered with a shrug emoji and a picture of cupcakes, 130 00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:21.920 nothing more. I sat with that for ten minutes, willing 131 00:08:21.959 --> 00:08:24.839 myself not to care. Then I found myself trying to 132 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:27.920 recall had Michael ever mentioned a cast mate who fit 133 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:32.559 Prior's description. I combed through our last few conversations, mentally 134 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:36.600 replaying every dropped anecdote. The only name I remembered was 135 00:08:36.639 --> 00:08:40.720 the director, a man in his fifties. Maybe I'd missed something. 136 00:08:41.720 --> 00:08:44.600 I brought up the subject that evening casual as I 137 00:08:44.600 --> 00:08:48.879 could manage, as Michael was changing into jogging pants, Priya, 138 00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:51.960 saw you at Kismet last night? Which cast mate was 139 00:08:52.000 --> 00:08:56.120 the redhead? For an instant so quickly I almost missed it. 140 00:08:56.360 --> 00:08:59.639 He paused hoody half way over his head. Then he laughed, 141 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:04.720 that's Cassie. She's hilarious. Total theater nerd into improv. We 142 00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:08.200 were talking lines. He darted to the fridge, You want 143 00:09:08.200 --> 00:09:10.679 green tea? Or are you still on your water cleanse? 144 00:09:11.799 --> 00:09:14.320 I let it go, but I watched his hands shake 145 00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:17.320 as he poured the water. I told myself, he just 146 00:09:17.399 --> 00:09:21.360 hates being teased about theater. I tried harder to be supportive. 147 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:25.360 Later that week, I offered to swing by rehearsal and 148 00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:29.000 drop off snacks. Actors work best when they're fed, right, 149 00:09:29.399 --> 00:09:35.279 I joked. Michael hesitated just slightly, then forced brightness. No visitors, 150 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:38.120 it's kind of a director's rule. We're supposed to be 151 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:42.639 building group trust with no outsiders. But thanks. He kissed me, 152 00:09:42.840 --> 00:09:46.360 but his jaw was tight. Next morning, as I was 153 00:09:46.399 --> 00:09:50.240 sorting work emails, I noticed an unread message request in 154 00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:54.759 my Facebook inbox. No profil picture, first name only, not 155 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:58.919 someone I recognized. I opened it. Might want to ask 156 00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:04.360 Michael about the car after parties, friendly advice, no punctuation, 157 00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:08.919 no signature. The time stamp was from midnight. I took 158 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:12.919 a screen shot, then, embarrassed deleted it. Why would someone 159 00:10:12.960 --> 00:10:16.960 send that? Was it just a prank? Someone misdirected a message. 160 00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:19.360 I tried not to read into it, but my heart 161 00:10:19.519 --> 00:10:24.080 rate was pinging. The next weekend, Michael's phone buzzed just 162 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:26.960 as he showered before heading out for notes and blocking. 163 00:10:27.799 --> 00:10:30.120 I saw the preview on the lock screen, Miss you 164 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:34.320 already x Cass. He came out towel drying his hair. 165 00:10:34.600 --> 00:10:38.200 I kept my voice light. Cass S missing you already. 166 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:44.039 Big theater romance, ha he blinked, then recovered fast group chat. 167 00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:48.240 She's always sending weird memes. Wait, look, he scrolled through 168 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:51.320 a chat labeled act I Misfits, showing me a cover 169 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:53.519 photo of a dog in a crown and a stream 170 00:10:53.559 --> 00:10:56.879 of dumb jokes. There was no X in sight. Too 171 00:10:56.960 --> 00:11:02.639 much or exactly enough, he smiled. See grown adults reduced 172 00:11:02.639 --> 00:11:05.879 to theater camp vibes. Sorry, you've got the boring spouse. 173 00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:09.720 He put his phone away so quickly I almost didn't 174 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:13.320 notice screen pressed tightly to his chest as he crossed 175 00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:17.240 to the bedroom. That evening, alone in our glowing kitchen, 176 00:11:17.559 --> 00:11:20.360 I scrolled through our credit card bills as an act 177 00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:24.159 of self soothing. If this was a phase spending more 178 00:11:24.440 --> 00:11:28.200 socializing differently, I'd see it right. What I found made 179 00:11:28.240 --> 00:11:33.200 my fingers go cold. I end restaurants too in neighborhoods 180 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:36.639 we rarely visited, both expensive enough to be special occasions 181 00:11:36.679 --> 00:11:40.240 for us charges on Thursday nights and again on Mondays. 182 00:11:40.720 --> 00:11:44.720 Ebers across the city, well outside his supposed rehearsal spaces, 183 00:11:44.720 --> 00:11:47.759 sometimes at midnight. None of this matched up with anything 184 00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:50.320 in our shared eye cow. I could picture his face, 185 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:54.320 semi bored, semi mischievous, as he'd explained away big mysterious 186 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:57.600 charges before client took the check. I put the drinks 187 00:11:57.600 --> 00:12:01.559 on my card. He'll venmow me later. But these weren't 188 00:12:01.600 --> 00:12:05.600 one offs. This was a pattern. I wanted desperately to 189 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:08.639 be wrong. Maybe he'd hit a new client dinner streak. 190 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:11.840 Maybe theater was his way of socializing now that work 191 00:12:11.879 --> 00:12:15.240 had shifted remote. I told myself for years that Michael 192 00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:18.799 didn't have privacy, that we lived out loud, shared everything. 193 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:23.279 But I had changed too. Maybe I was policing him unfairly, 194 00:12:23.600 --> 00:12:26.320 clamping down because his new life was strange to me. 195 00:12:27.360 --> 00:12:31.559 But there were new rituals. Michael suddenly preening before group outings, 196 00:12:31.600 --> 00:12:35.720 ironing shirts, changing cologne, spiking his hair just so, asking 197 00:12:35.759 --> 00:12:38.480 my opinion, then ignoring it. He wore one of his 198 00:12:38.600 --> 00:12:42.360 date night watches to rehearsal. I observed him watching himself 199 00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:46.440 in reflective windows. He always said, you're overthinking, Let me 200 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:49.200 have this. But he wouldn't let me in, not even 201 00:12:49.240 --> 00:12:52.840 a little. One Thursday, as we passed in the kitchen 202 00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:56.759 before he left, my hand brushed his shirt. That's new, 203 00:12:57.840 --> 00:13:01.279 he smiled, too. Sharp gift from the cast you like 204 00:13:02.360 --> 00:13:05.639 it's bold. I tried to make it light inside. I 205 00:13:05.720 --> 00:13:10.000 cataloged bright blue, unfamiliar sleeves, rolled up to show off 206 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:12.960 his arms. He barely said good bye, and the door 207 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:16.480 closed too hard. When I pressed a bit too much, 208 00:13:16.840 --> 00:13:20.799 sliding a little closer to accusation, he turned defensive fast. 209 00:13:21.360 --> 00:13:24.519 Can I have something that's just mine? He snapped some 210 00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:27.960 edge I barely recognized in his tone. You drill me 211 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:31.080 like I'm cheating at monopoly, Olivia. I wish you'd just 212 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:34.879 be happy for me for once. It's strung. I tried 213 00:13:34.879 --> 00:13:38.080 to walk it back, apologizing, trying to explain that I 214 00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:42.320 only wanted to share, but he'd retreated. Face closed, hurrying 215 00:13:42.360 --> 00:13:45.679 out for his call time. For the first time, I 216 00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:49.679 called Jamie, hoping her dry humor would steady me. Does 217 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:53.720 Michael seem different to you lately? I asked, voice lower 218 00:13:53.759 --> 00:13:59.960 than I intended. Jamie hesitated, He's Michael, always charming, probably 219 00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:03.120 just caught the theater bug new people. You know he 220 00:14:03.159 --> 00:14:06.320 can't do anything by halves. If you're worried about something, 221 00:14:06.480 --> 00:14:10.080 just say so. I wanted to, but something in Jamie's 222 00:14:10.080 --> 00:14:13.879 tone set my teeth on edge. Too fast, too polished. 223 00:14:14.120 --> 00:14:17.600 I let it drop. The next day, Michael surprised me 224 00:14:17.679 --> 00:14:22.320 with flowers, bright gaudy tulips spring for my spring. He 225 00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:26.080 held out tickets, a grin stretching across his face. Come 226 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.559 see my disaster dress rehearsal. I owe you a night out, 227 00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:33.399 don't I. It was what I thought I needed, visible 228 00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:38.120 public proof for a brief, disorienting second. I let myself hope, 229 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:41.799 I let myself want to be overreacting. The night of 230 00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:44.919 the rehearsal, I wore a dress that always got compliments. 231 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:49.000 Our euber was quiet. Michael fidgeted with his phone, texting 232 00:14:49.080 --> 00:14:52.840 cast mates, you'll love Cassie by the way. She's a riot. 233 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:57.639 His words were measured, almost too casual. The theater, such 234 00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:00.639 as it was, was a church basement with wheezing radiators, 235 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:05.200 temporary plywood set, a cast barely keeping it together. Cassie 236 00:15:05.320 --> 00:15:09.080 the Redhead was charismatic, loud. She greeted Michael with an 237 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:14.320 exaggerated Curtsey, then hugged me, arms warm, conspiratorial. He's talked 238 00:15:14.360 --> 00:15:17.000 about nothing but you since day one, she said to me, 239 00:15:17.320 --> 00:15:20.159 teasing but fond. She made a few jokes at her 240 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:24.879 own expense. She even called Michael brother Michael in some 241 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:27.799 theater in joke way and made fun of his lack 242 00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:31.480 of rhythm. I watched the play. It was amateur, a 243 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:34.879 little cringy, but the mood backstage cast, calling out to 244 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:38.559 each other, trading snacks, passing around lint rollers and extra 245 00:15:38.600 --> 00:15:42.759 bobby pins felt plausibly benign. If there had been something there, 246 00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:45.879 I couldn't see it. Michael seemed nervous, but in the 247 00:15:45.879 --> 00:15:48.600 way of a guy wanting to impress his wife. He 248 00:15:48.639 --> 00:15:52.519 flubbed his lines, pulled a face, made everyone, including me laugh. 249 00:15:53.600 --> 00:15:56.200 For three days after the air was gentler. At home, 250 00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:00.399 Michael cooked dinner, made plans for date nights, even skipped 251 00:16:00.399 --> 00:16:04.080 a rehearsal because we need us time. For a few days, 252 00:16:04.120 --> 00:16:07.639 my faith returned. The embarrassing panic I had felt was 253 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.480 just that my anxiety, my unwillingness to let Michael have 254 00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:16.200 something for himself. I tried to believe it. On Thursday morning, 255 00:16:16.399 --> 00:16:19.320 I opened my email over coffee and found a mistake, 256 00:16:19.720 --> 00:16:23.279 the sort that makes time slow down. Michael's email was 257 00:16:23.320 --> 00:16:26.360 set up on my phone for calendar invites. I saw 258 00:16:26.399 --> 00:16:29.840 a new message in his inbox, subject line, thank you 259 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:33.320 for your stay the body, thank you for booking with 260 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:36.919 urban nest ere b n B four slash eight four 261 00:16:37.000 --> 00:16:42.559 slash nine. Host Cassie Sullivan, Guests Cassie Sullivan, Michael Radner. 262 00:16:43.559 --> 00:16:46.759 I read it two times, then three, though each word 263 00:16:46.799 --> 00:16:50.279 imprinted itself backwards on my tongue. Ere B n B 264 00:16:50.519 --> 00:16:54.600 receipts are sent automatically when a stay concludes, Cassie Michael 265 00:16:54.759 --> 00:16:58.480 a night together. The listed address a boutique row house 266 00:16:58.519 --> 00:17:01.559 in South End, know whe near the theater, nowhere near 267 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:06.160 any one's reasonable after party. I clicked the receipt. There 268 00:17:06.200 --> 00:17:10.039 it was itemized. I felt my vision narrow, the rest 269 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:13.759 of the world buzzing at the corners. Everything I'd tried 270 00:17:13.759 --> 00:17:18.640 to rationalize uppended itself, Flowers for guilt, preening to impress, 271 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:23.519 skipped dinners that weren't about the creative process. I closed 272 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:27.319 the email, hands shaking so badly I nearly dropped my cup. 273 00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:31.839 The rational, meticulous part of my mind briefly surfaced. Tried 274 00:17:31.880 --> 00:17:35.759 to manufacture explanations. Maybe it was a group, Maybe he 275 00:17:35.839 --> 00:17:39.079 reimbursed her for the stay. Maybe, but the lies couldn't 276 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:42.680 fill the empty spaces any more. I didn't touch the 277 00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:46.200 subject that day. I needed to know more I needed 278 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:49.480 the facts laid out so clearly that even my most 279 00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:53.720 practical self couldn't rewrite them. Over the next few days, 280 00:17:53.799 --> 00:17:57.039 whenever Michael left for rehearsal, I felt the air shift, 281 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:01.359 molecules rearranged. I didn't ask, and he didn't offer. He 282 00:18:01.440 --> 00:18:04.880 returned late and didn't crawl into bed until long after midnight, 283 00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:09.519 always with apologetic murmurs about cast notes, running late or 284 00:18:09.720 --> 00:18:13.920 grabbing late wings with the group. The next morning, feigning 285 00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:17.720 a forgotten charger, I started searching for more obvious evidence. 286 00:18:18.319 --> 00:18:22.799 Michael's laptop password hadn't changed. My hand barely trembled as 287 00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:26.200 I entered it, heart pulse thrumming in my ears. I 288 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:29.599 clicked open the EMIL client, feeling each click bounce in 289 00:18:29.680 --> 00:18:33.799 my chest. What I found, thread after thread, labeled by 290 00:18:33.839 --> 00:18:37.799 first initials, by rewrites, by notes, wasn't definitive, not yet. 291 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:42.039 The messages between Michael and Cassie, though almost vibrated with intimacy, 292 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:45.480 a code switching playfulness had never seen from him, jokes 293 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:48.359 about cast mates, a flurry of gifts and remember last 294 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:52.599 time missives. The more direct stuff was rare, flirtatious, then 295 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:56.440 eventually something that made my vision slow can't believe we 296 00:18:56.599 --> 00:19:00.519 risked that again, But I can't stop wanting you. Cassie's 297 00:19:00.559 --> 00:19:04.799 replies were sometimes full of bravado, Sometimes guilty. Can't help 298 00:19:04.839 --> 00:19:08.599 it feels wrong, can't say no another When do I 299 00:19:08.640 --> 00:19:12.519 see you? Not through a curtain of secrecy. I stopped 300 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:16.400 my hand hovered over the mouse, uncertain if clicking further 301 00:19:16.440 --> 00:19:19.519 would kill me or free me. I realized then how 302 00:19:19.559 --> 00:19:23.160 little I wanted to keep going. I closed the laptop 303 00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:25.880 and sat on the sofa for a long while, watching 304 00:19:25.880 --> 00:19:29.160 the light change across our living room, bouncing soft and 305 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:32.599 urgent off the art we'd hung together. The lamp, he insisted, 306 00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:37.680 made the space. My own brain tried to conjure alternate explanations, 307 00:19:37.960 --> 00:19:41.160 but the words clumped together around a central theme, this 308 00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:45.319 is real. Every one around me became complicit, or at 309 00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:49.440 least suspect by omission. I texted Priya, asking if we 310 00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:52.720 could meet for coffee, just us. She agreed right away, 311 00:19:52.960 --> 00:19:56.160 which felt like confirmation in itself. We sat in a 312 00:19:56.200 --> 00:19:59.440 tiny place near our old apartment. I tried to be gentle, 313 00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:01.720 as if I could coax the truth to be softer, 314 00:20:01.839 --> 00:20:05.680 if I didn't force it so about Michael and Cassie. 315 00:20:05.960 --> 00:20:09.079 You saw them together just once. I watched her face, 316 00:20:09.319 --> 00:20:13.079 the way her eyes flicked away. Priya sipped her latte, 317 00:20:13.279 --> 00:20:17.000 lips pressing together. I saw them a couple of times, honestly, 318 00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:22.000 sometimes after rehearsal or sitting in his car. Cassie's really friendly. 319 00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:25.000 But I got a vibe, you know. She hesitated, then added, 320 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:28.079 I thought maybe you guys were working things out. You 321 00:20:28.160 --> 00:20:31.480 seemed quieter lately. I figured if there was anything you 322 00:20:31.599 --> 00:20:35.279 d tell me. Were they Did they look together? The 323 00:20:35.400 --> 00:20:39.680 question scratched my throat on the way out. Priya's sympathetic 324 00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:43.160 WinCE was answer enough. I pushed for no more details, 325 00:20:43.519 --> 00:20:47.400 The space between us filled with the inescapable hum of truth. 326 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:52.359 That evening I called Jamie. She sounded frazzled, but I 327 00:20:52.440 --> 00:20:57.359 pressed harder than I had before, catching her between meetings. Jamie, 328 00:20:57.480 --> 00:21:00.079 I need you to be honest. Did Michael ever ask 329 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:03.319 you to cover for him? Or did you know about Cassie. 330 00:21:04.160 --> 00:21:07.799 Jamie was quiet longer than comfort would allow. Finally, she 331 00:21:07.920 --> 00:21:12.279 exhaled words, tumbling, more whispered than spoken. He asked me 332 00:21:12.319 --> 00:21:14.480 to say I'd gone for drinks with him one night. 333 00:21:14.839 --> 00:21:17.000 He made it seem like it was nothing. Just didn't 334 00:21:17.000 --> 00:21:19.559 want you to worry about caste stuff. I thought it 335 00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:23.079 was just Michael being Michael. I'm sorry, Olivia, I didn't 336 00:21:23.079 --> 00:21:26.400 want to get involved. I hate this. I'm really sorry. 337 00:21:27.480 --> 00:21:31.759 A bitterness crept up, unexpected and sharp, at Jamie, at Michael, 338 00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:36.119 at everyone embroiled in this performance, I hung up polite 339 00:21:36.160 --> 00:21:40.559 in my rage, heart jackammering. My friendships no longer felt safe. 340 00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:46.480 Every conversation was rewritten. Later, hunger for confrontation magiced itself 341 00:21:46.559 --> 00:21:49.839 into my mind. Maybe Cassie needed to answer for herself. 342 00:21:50.279 --> 00:21:52.559 I knew the address of a cast party Michael was 343 00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:55.880 scheduled to attend. For thirty minutes, I sat in my 344 00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:59.920 car outside their rented cottage, hands gripping the steering wheel, 345 00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:04.599 rehearsing lines I'd never say. Then I drove home, shaking. 346 00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:09.039 Throughout all this, Michael never seemed to notice my absence. 347 00:22:09.480 --> 00:22:14.039 His routines never faltered. In fact, he grew lighter, almost relieved. 348 00:22:15.079 --> 00:22:17.640 The tension ratcheted up on a night I didn't expect 349 00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:21.279 take out dinner, me pushing lettuce around while Michael drank 350 00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:26.960 a beer. His phone perched, precariously, buzzed, urgently screened flashing 351 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:30.599 a notification. I glanced before he could flip the phone over. 352 00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:34.720 I wish it was you beside me to night. He 353 00:22:34.839 --> 00:22:38.160 moved to pocket the phone, stumbled, and the phone skittered 354 00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:42.000 across the table toward me. For a moment, everything stopped. 355 00:22:42.400 --> 00:22:45.720 He watched my face as I read. I looked up 356 00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:49.319 at him, waiting, not even knowing which approach would force 357 00:22:49.359 --> 00:22:54.440 the truth. Soonest he laughed, but it was brittle strained. Cassie, 358 00:22:54.599 --> 00:22:57.839 she's got a show to night. Total drama queen. It's 359 00:22:57.839 --> 00:23:02.359 a cast thing, inside joke, she texts. Everyone does she? 360 00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:07.119 I asked, voice flat. He shrugged, You know, theater people 361 00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:11.359 over the top. She means nothing. He wouldn't meet my eyes. 362 00:23:12.279 --> 00:23:15.279 The next day, I changed every password I could think of, 363 00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:21.799 stashed cash in my sock drawer, and started making notes dates, places, expenditures. 364 00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:25.880 It felt both shameful and quietly empowering, like I was 365 00:23:25.960 --> 00:23:30.039 regaining control over the manuscript of my own life. I 366 00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:33.880 started observing his theater friends, the small ensemble of artists 367 00:23:33.880 --> 00:23:37.599 and techys I only ever saw fleetingly. They'd stopped inviting 368 00:23:37.640 --> 00:23:40.720 me to group outings when I did show up once 369 00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:44.680 at a pretty cafe after a Saturday matinee. They'd smile, thinly, 370 00:23:44.960 --> 00:23:48.799 make forced small talk, then scatter the minute Michael walked away, 371 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:52.759 I was a ghost in my own orbit. At home, 372 00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:56.359 nights grew colder. We went from joking about messy rooms 373 00:23:56.359 --> 00:23:59.440 and bills to near silence at dinner, a brittle politeness 374 00:23:59.480 --> 00:24:03.160 that tasted of truce, not comfort. Michael looked through me, 375 00:24:03.319 --> 00:24:06.839 not at me. Worse, I found myself pretending as well, 376 00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:10.680 laughing at jokes. I barely heard responding to how was 377 00:24:10.759 --> 00:24:15.279 your day? With autopilot answers in the mornings, he'd begone 378 00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:19.039 before sunrise, texts promising he'd make it up next week, 379 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:22.839 always just out of reach. The place felt emptier, his 380 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.799 presence a bruise, not a comfort. My mother called to 381 00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:29.799 invite us to a family event. I made an excuse 382 00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:32.920 for Michael, the first of our marriage. She didn't press 383 00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:35.640 for details, but something in her voice told me she 384 00:24:35.720 --> 00:24:38.920 sensed my strain. I felt nauseous for the rest of 385 00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:42.119 the day, aware for the first time just how profoundly 386 00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:46.319 alone I was, even surrounded by evidence of everything we'd built. 387 00:24:47.359 --> 00:24:50.920 By week's end, I was barely sleeping. I'd lie awake 388 00:24:51.039 --> 00:24:53.880 and run mental calculations on how long it would take 389 00:24:53.920 --> 00:24:56.440 me to pack up, how much notice I'd need to 390 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:59.480 give at work before taking time off, whether or not 391 00:24:59.640 --> 00:25:03.839 I could to tell Priya the whole truth. Several times 392 00:25:04.079 --> 00:25:07.279 I found myself tempted to simply confront Michael flat out, 393 00:25:07.720 --> 00:25:10.920 but there was always something unresolved. A dinner he'd already 394 00:25:10.960 --> 00:25:14.599 promised to cook, a Friday plan with friends, an imagined 395 00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:18.920 apology just around the corner. Each time, I'd talk myself 396 00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:22.599 out of it, bargaining with fate for more time, more certainty. 397 00:25:23.640 --> 00:25:28.359 I grew increasingly painfully aware of everything at stake, every mug, 398 00:25:28.519 --> 00:25:32.599 every set of keys, every photograph on the wall, decisions made, 399 00:25:32.839 --> 00:25:36.279 life built, years spent. The cost of the truth would 400 00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:41.759 be monumental. The realization strung even as I scraped for facts. 401 00:25:41.960 --> 00:25:44.359