WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.559 It's Saturday morning, and the apartment feels oddly huge with 2 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:08.279 just me, and it's a thin hush hining between the 3 00:00:08.279 --> 00:00:10.400 exposed brick walls and the sunlight, the crawls and through 4 00:00:10.439 --> 00:00:13.320 slatted blinds. I'm sitting by the window with a mug 5 00:00:13.359 --> 00:00:16.039 of coffee, growing cold, hands wrapped around the ceramic leg. 6 00:00:16.120 --> 00:00:18.640 Somehow that will borrow me some warmth, even as outside 7 00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:21.359 the world wakes up in waves. I listen for the 8 00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:23.760 echo of Jamie's footsteps, the soft scuffle on our faded 9 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:26.879 runner by the door. Jamie's up earlier than I am, again, 10 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:30.120 moving around carefully, trying not to waken me, but I'm 11 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:32.920 already half awake listening. There's the zip and tug of 12 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:34.960 the new running tights we picked up together last month, 13 00:00:35.079 --> 00:00:37.320 tacks only just cut off, the swish of a windbreaker, 14 00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:40.000 the clatter of keys being dropped and scooped up. I 15 00:00:40.079 --> 00:00:42.359 tell myself it should be endearing, this new ritual, but 16 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:44.920 something about it needles at me like a pebble mushoe. 17 00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:47.719 I glimpse Jamie in the small hallway mirror. She stands 18 00:00:47.840 --> 00:00:50.920 checking her phone. She lifts her chin, runs a hand 19 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:53.399 through her short, dark hair. Hair there. Until recently, she 20 00:00:53.479 --> 00:00:55.840 never bothered to tame before stepping out for coffee runs 21 00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:59.759 or groceries. She's changed, not so anyone would point and 22 00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:01.960 say it, maybe, but enough that I hear it in 23 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:04.040 the music drifting from the bathroom as she gets ready, 24 00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:07.439 indie bands I've never heard of, all ponchy tempos and bright, 25 00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:12.480 earnest forces filling up the show esteem with something insistent, restless. Outside, 26 00:01:12.519 --> 00:01:14.760 I see a blonde guy in a reflective Vessu's name, 27 00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:17.120 I'll later learn, is saying, bouncing on his heels by 28 00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:20.799 the curb. Jamie gives her reflection another once over, pockets 29 00:01:20.840 --> 00:01:23.120 her earbits, and calls out a two cheery SeeU. And 30 00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:25.920 a couple hours her voice is lighter, pitched for a 31 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:28.959 version of me who isn't worrying have fun, I say, 32 00:01:29.040 --> 00:01:32.159 aiming for casual, but my words tangle in the doorway, unfinished. 33 00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:35.200 From the window, I watch her job towards Ane, who 34 00:01:35.200 --> 00:01:36.760 grins and fiss bumps her at the two of them, 35 00:01:36.799 --> 00:01:39.599 falling into step like they've done this forever. I caught 36 00:01:39.640 --> 00:01:41.040 the way they lean in to talk as they take 37 00:01:41.040 --> 00:01:43.799 off toward the river path, already laughing about something private 38 00:01:44.519 --> 00:01:46.760 Jamie's face flickers through a thousand different moods in half 39 00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:50.560 a second, tension replaced by something open, almost Katie. If 40 00:01:50.599 --> 00:01:53.120 I squint, this could be a scene from anyone's relationship. 41 00:01:53.159 --> 00:01:55.959 Partner's discovering new hobbies, trying to be healthier, connecting with 42 00:01:56.040 --> 00:02:00.040 local communities. I ought to be happy, or at least pleased, write, 43 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:03.000 But there's a small trader's hitching my chest, a hesitant, 44 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:06.159 bristling place that warn't relax. I sip my coffee and 45 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:08.280 wonder if this disquiet is normal, or if it's a 46 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:10.120 start of something else, something I haven't yet put a 47 00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:12.960 shape or name to. I ask myself, shouldn't I be 48 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:16.199 happy for her? Why do I feel so uneasy? I 49 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:18.240 stare at the coffee mouk, feeling the echo of her 50 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.479 running shoes fading down the street, and wait for the 51 00:02:20.560 --> 00:02:24.520 feeling to pass. It doesn't. The truth is Jamie and 52 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:26.199 I have been orbiting each other in this city for 53 00:02:26.240 --> 00:02:29.240 close to eight years, married for six We met at 54 00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:32.400 neighborhood street festival, the kind with food trucks, bad cover bands, 55 00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:35.759 and little kids getting painted as tiger's I remember, with 56 00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:38.960 the bittersweet precision that refroactive worry brings. How easily Jamie 57 00:02:39.000 --> 00:02:41.680 became the center of any moment. She wore a red 58 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:44.319 bandanna tied pirate style to keep her hair off her face, 59 00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:46.759 was holding two tacos in one hand and gesturing with 60 00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:49.439 the other, telling a story about getting lost in the subway. 61 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:52.120 I was with friends from my first design gig, but 62 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:54.360 I laugh cut through everything, and when our eyes met, 63 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:56.319 it was a quiet shock, like some inflict on a 64 00:02:56.319 --> 00:02:59.280 back light behind a crowd. People always like an attraction 65 00:02:59.319 --> 00:03:01.439 to lightning, but for me, it was more like noticing 66 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:04.319 fresh air after you've been inside too long. Jamie and 67 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:07.319 I me the quietless making overthinker, and her the spinball 68 00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:09.719 machine of jokes and ideas and invitations. Shouldn't have worked, 69 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:12.560 but I was smettin', which meant everyone else was doomed 70 00:03:12.599 --> 00:03:15.319 to play catch up. We move in together within a year, 71 00:03:15.400 --> 00:03:17.680 to this apartment with high windows and battered floors that 72 00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:20.879 had been someone's art studio. Wants. Our friends, the ones 73 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:23.080 who now try to wrangle us all into dinner parties, 74 00:03:23.080 --> 00:03:25.520 watched us become a kind of shorthand fustibility. I think 75 00:03:26.159 --> 00:03:28.879 on Sunday nights we'd cook together, Jamie mixing up a 76 00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:32.400 lazy shackshico roofing on Brecas burritos, me fussing over the playlist. 77 00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:35.680 We worked side by side on freelance and day job disasters, 78 00:03:35.800 --> 00:03:38.919 conned each other after tough meetings, and always always made 79 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:40.759 tan for a share drink on the fire escape when 80 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.439 the weather was good. I never understood people who said 81 00:03:43.439 --> 00:03:46.039 the spark fades. For us, it just got cozier, like 82 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:49.280 learning a tune inside out. Jamie came from a huge family, 83 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:51.800 allowed and affectionate, always up for one more round of 84 00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:55.159 cord or wine. Me my folks bled up when I 85 00:03:55.240 --> 00:03:57.360 was ten. Conness and my family always felt a little 86 00:03:57.360 --> 00:04:00.680 stage brittle at the edges. That's part of why Jamie stead, 87 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:02.560 and it's meant so much. She was my anchor at 88 00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:04.360 the person I trusted not to pack up her half 89 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:06.360 of the cause at and move on when things got stressful. 90 00:04:06.919 --> 00:04:08.599 If you'd ask me six months ago what would have 91 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:10.639 to happen for me to doubt that, I'd have laughed. 92 00:04:11.319 --> 00:04:13.319 Trust didn't seem fragile. It was just the air we 93 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:17.279 lived in. Things started to fray imperceptibly. We're both thirty 94 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:19.160 two with jobs that pay enough to keep us in 95 00:04:19.240 --> 00:04:21.839 ardisinal bread and addings with friends. Meet a graphic designer 96 00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:24.439 who mostly works from home. Jamie, a marketing manager with 97 00:04:24.439 --> 00:04:28.000 a reasonable commute, decent hours. Our share of calendar used 98 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:31.000 to be filled with glass clinking brunches and birthdays. But 99 00:04:31.079 --> 00:04:33.759 over the past few months, something about Jamie's schedule slipped 100 00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:36.240 out of sync with mine. It was subtle at first, 101 00:04:36.759 --> 00:04:39.600 Jamie started leaving earlier for work, saying she wanted time 102 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:42.120 to clear her head with a walk. She'd work late 103 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.399 more often, or stay out for Happy Hour. Nothing wild, 104 00:04:44.480 --> 00:04:47.920 always traceable if I asked. But then the Saturday runs began. 105 00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:52.240 I was baffled. Honestly, Jamie had always said exercise was 106 00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:55.439 a necessary evil, one she preferred to avoid at all costs. 107 00:04:56.120 --> 00:04:58.879 Our inside joke was how she only raman chased the 108 00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.480 first morning she showed up in shiny, brand new trainers 109 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:03.600 and a matching jacket. The receipts still called up in 110 00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:06.399 the back pocket. I want to do something just for myself, 111 00:05:06.439 --> 00:05:09.759 she announced, bouncing on her toes. I remember looking at her, 112 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:12.439 blinking away. Sleep you going to run? Let go for 113 00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:15.800 a run, run, she laughed. Don't get used to her. 114 00:05:15.959 --> 00:05:18.319 Might just be to day. She was gone for almost 115 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:22.120 two hours. Caane back flushed and buzzing, talking about positive 116 00:05:22.160 --> 00:05:24.600 endorphins in the group she met at the neighborhood running club. 117 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:28.000 That might have been it. Honestly, lots of people hit 118 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:31.480 thirty and discover obscure hobbies, then abandon them. Friends of 119 00:05:31.480 --> 00:05:34.759 ours got into paddle boarding, fermended foods, the slow cycling movement. 120 00:05:35.480 --> 00:05:38.199 I told myself it would last three weeks, collapse under 121 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:41.000 the weight of boredom and chin splints, but Jenny stuck 122 00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:44.000 with it. Each Saturday, the ritual deepened oatmeal prind in 123 00:05:44.040 --> 00:05:46.480 the fridge overnight and a ray of protein shakes replacing 124 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:49.480 the lazy cossus we used to split. She started shooting 125 00:05:49.480 --> 00:05:51.959 me Spotify links to songs she said make running bearable. 126 00:05:52.439 --> 00:05:54.839 I'd lessen, sometimes at my desk, sometimes in the shower, 127 00:05:54.839 --> 00:05:56.680 and they went bad, but they didn't sound like her, 128 00:05:57.279 --> 00:05:59.879 all glittery since a rhythic pep nothing like the moody 129 00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.040 rock should favored for the past decade. One Wednesday night, 130 00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:05.199 I came home from a late brainswum session and found 131 00:06:05.240 --> 00:06:07.959 Jamie alone at the counter, laptop open, scrolling a running 132 00:06:07.959 --> 00:06:10.519 blog and sipping something green and viscous from a mason jar. 133 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:13.759 Ye joined a colt and didn't tell me. I teased 134 00:06:13.800 --> 00:06:16.959 drop in my bag on a chair. Is that like kill? 135 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:21.040 She grinned, genuine but somehow also distant. Don't knock it 136 00:06:21.079 --> 00:06:23.480 till you try it. Besides, you're always saying I should 137 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:26.360 be healthier. I shrugged, letting the joke hang in the air. 138 00:06:27.079 --> 00:06:29.759 She left early again the next day. It wasn't all 139 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:34.519 dramatic at first. Our routines just shifted imperceptibly. Dinner together 140 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:38.040 became more rare. Moving nights yielded to Jamie's fatigue from 141 00:06:38.079 --> 00:06:41.199 long runs. She still asked about my project. She said 142 00:06:41.199 --> 00:06:43.519 she liked hearing my design was, but sometimes her eyes 143 00:06:43.560 --> 00:06:47.360 glazed over, phone buzzing with new notifications. She defended these 144 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:49.959 moments as grouped chat staff their funny. I promised you'd 145 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:52.519 like them. Sometimes she'd laugh at a message and flip 146 00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:54.399 the phone face down before I could glance at it. 147 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:58.560 I had to remind myself all relationships change, right, people 148 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:02.560 grow hobby ship. If Jamie wanted healthier habits and new 149 00:07:02.600 --> 00:07:05.879 social circles, maybe it wasn't about me. Maybe my knees 150 00:07:05.959 --> 00:07:08.439 was just garden variety. Jealousy, some left of her ache 151 00:07:08.439 --> 00:07:10.319 from parents who bailed on how it's stuff instead of 152 00:07:10.319 --> 00:07:14.240 talking about it. Still, the feeling grew teeth. Three satur 153 00:07:14.399 --> 00:07:17.000 days ago, Jamie was up before dawn, already stretching in 154 00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:19.560 the living room. When I woke up, she pat breakfast 155 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.120 in a gym bag and was bouncing, energized like a 156 00:07:22.199 --> 00:07:24.600 kid on the first day of camp. He will never 157 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:26.800 believe it. There's a trail half marathon in a few months, 158 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:29.720 she chirked. Some of the club members are signing up. 159 00:07:29.800 --> 00:07:32.160 I might actually train for her. I made a joke 160 00:07:32.160 --> 00:07:34.439 about wilfully running in public, but inside there was a 161 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:36.600 pangol wish for all lazy mornings, for the version of 162 00:07:36.680 --> 00:07:38.720 Jamie who would pretend to hate every step and collapse 163 00:07:38.759 --> 00:07:42.480 into brunchwood gruns. Instead, she tapped out a fast response 164 00:07:42.519 --> 00:07:44.279 to someone as her phone lit up, see you soon. 165 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:47.399 I studied to name the flash, a series of initials 166 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:50.720 and a fire emoji. Not Clara, not Ben, not anyone 167 00:07:50.720 --> 00:07:53.800 from her old college stories. The message vanished as quickly 168 00:07:53.800 --> 00:07:56.240 as it appeared. Jamie was at the job before I 169 00:07:56.240 --> 00:07:59.240 could ask about it. After her run, she lingered in 170 00:07:59.240 --> 00:08:03.240 the lobby again. Finally, She came up flushed, cheeked, hair 171 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.839 wet from a quick shower in a gym upstairs. Her 172 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:08.480 mood was bright, while almost like she'd have one espresso 173 00:08:08.560 --> 00:08:11.399 too many. I hit a new personal bess, she announced, 174 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:14.160 spinning around as she entered. They all cheer for me 175 00:08:14.199 --> 00:08:16.519 as I finished. I don't think I've ever run that fast. 176 00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:20.199 I tried to joke, I almost didn't recognize you. Who 177 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:21.720 are you? And what did you do with my wife? 178 00:08:22.439 --> 00:08:25.439 She laughed, and for a moment I relaxed, But then 179 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.879 as I opened the fridge to start pancakes, the stupidly 180 00:08:27.920 --> 00:08:30.120 simple breakfast she always claimed solved any bad mood, she 181 00:08:30.120 --> 00:08:33.200 stopped me. Actually, could we go to that vegan cafe 182 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:36.480 by the park, she suggested. The running group always goes 183 00:08:36.519 --> 00:08:40.519 there after their tempiece scrambles. Incredible, I hesitated, spatulot in 184 00:08:40.559 --> 00:08:42.559 hand as she finger combed her hair and reached for 185 00:08:42.600 --> 00:08:45.639 another playlist to put on. Something in my chest tightened 186 00:08:45.720 --> 00:08:47.720 the faint premonition of standing on the outside of a 187 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:50.559 fogged up window looking in. I told myself to get 188 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:53.759 over it, but I was weary, noticing too much, wanting 189 00:08:53.759 --> 00:08:56.159 to prove to myself it was nothing Was I just 190 00:08:56.200 --> 00:08:58.960 being possessive? Wasn't this what people meant when they talked 191 00:08:59.000 --> 00:09:02.399 about letting your partner. The next weekend, Jamie baled last 192 00:09:02.399 --> 00:09:05.039 minute on our old tradition Saturday brunch at Mariel's with 193 00:09:05.120 --> 00:09:07.799 Kay and our other friends. She texted in the group 194 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:11.159 chat were rapid fire apologies, running clubs prepping for the half, 195 00:09:11.240 --> 00:09:14.279 can't let the team down, A series of running emojis, 196 00:09:14.320 --> 00:09:17.320 A hastily snat selfie in the park, unfamiliar faces beaming 197 00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:20.000 at her side. I felt silly for being let down? 198 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:23.399 Was I competing with her running group? I shook it off, 199 00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:25.960 but then scrolling back through Jamie's feed found it getting 200 00:09:25.960 --> 00:09:28.159 over and by her inspirational up its, jokes about training, 201 00:09:28.240 --> 00:09:30.039 food picks from the cafe, A group shot with a 202 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:34.320 caption team goals. Most of the faces were strangers. When 203 00:09:34.360 --> 00:09:36.600 Jamie came home, she jumped straight into the shower, even 204 00:09:36.639 --> 00:09:39.399 though she didn't seem that sweaty. She sound to herself 205 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:41.480 as the water ran, that same new music spelling out 206 00:09:41.519 --> 00:09:44.360 louder than usual. By the time she finished, a phone 207 00:09:44.399 --> 00:09:48.000 buzz again, another unfamiliar number initials, an emoji fire this time, 208 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:51.480 or sometimes a lock symbol. She silenced it, catching me 209 00:09:51.519 --> 00:09:54.600 looking and grinned as if disarming me. Group chats out 210 00:09:54.639 --> 00:09:57.879 of control. Honestly, I can't keep up. She reached for 211 00:09:57.919 --> 00:10:00.120 her shake and flopped on the couch, turning the t 212 00:10:00.200 --> 00:10:02.879 V too a bacon competition. You hungry or did you 213 00:10:02.879 --> 00:10:06.519 already eat? I waited for you. Thought maybe we'd do pancakes, 214 00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:10.679 I said, hoping. She thummed her phone. Let's just story something, 215 00:10:11.000 --> 00:10:14.759 maybe that vegan spot. Yea, it became a pattern. I'd 216 00:10:14.759 --> 00:10:17.480 offer our old favorites, lazy cheese, almets, costs us with 217 00:10:17.559 --> 00:10:20.600 maple syrup, breakfast burritos, and Jamie dumod shuffling me toward 218 00:10:20.679 --> 00:10:23.240 tofu and she bowls and whatever music was most popular 219 00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:26.720 with her new friends. The playlist gradually took over the speakers, 220 00:10:27.480 --> 00:10:30.080 bands with names like Satellite Hearts and the New Animocks, 221 00:10:30.159 --> 00:10:32.399 bands neither of us would have willingly picked up. Months ago. 222 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:36.440 My first real jot came by accident one Thursday. Looking 223 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:38.799 for a charger in Jamie's bag, I spotted a folded 224 00:10:38.840 --> 00:10:41.200 up receipt from a specialty cafe across the city, nowhere 225 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:44.320 near our neighborhood, nowhere near the supposed running routes. The 226 00:10:44.399 --> 00:10:47.600 date was last Saturday, The time was after brunch, after 227 00:10:47.639 --> 00:10:49.759 the run should have ended. When she told me she 228 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:52.399 was at the park, curling down with a group. When 229 00:10:52.440 --> 00:10:56.559 I poked, Jamie's replies got fuzzy. Oh, everyone wanted coffee, 230 00:10:56.600 --> 00:10:58.600 but the place near the river was packed. Chlora said 231 00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:01.759 there's this other spot, so we drove. She didn't mention Ben, 232 00:11:01.799 --> 00:11:04.000 who a few days earlier she'd claimed had been her 233 00:11:04.080 --> 00:11:07.039 ride home. Wait, I thought Ben drove you, I said, 234 00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:11.039 drawing out the question. She blinked, then smiled. Here, but 235 00:11:11.120 --> 00:11:13.080 Clara was with us. She picked the spot. I think 236 00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:16.360 Ben was just hungry. Why I shrugged. But something about 237 00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:18.000 the way she darted her eyes to her phone set 238 00:11:18.039 --> 00:11:20.559 every part of me on edge. It became a game 239 00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:23.320 trying to pin down the details of Jamie's running life. 240 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:25.720 Sometimes the club met at the river trail, sometimes at 241 00:11:25.720 --> 00:11:29.120 the city Park, sometimes miles away. The cast kept changing. 242 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:32.639 One week, Jamie talked about Clara, her running wingwoman, who 243 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:35.399 was hilarious, always pushing everyone to do one more lap. 244 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:38.039 Another week it was Ben, who apparently knew the best 245 00:11:38.080 --> 00:11:40.840 post run taco stands. But when I tried to ask 246 00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:43.639 about them. Jamie's responses grew thinner, like she was talking 247 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:46.320 about characters from a distant TV show, all texture and 248 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:50.480 no substance. Newgear popped up a fancy sat of wireless 249 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:53.679 athletic hefphones better than anything I own, arrived by mail. 250 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:57.240 Jamie shrugged when I asked about them. They are on sale. 251 00:11:57.360 --> 00:12:00.080 Music's everything when you run a weird a knees kept 252 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.559 me compulsively checking our shared credit card app. Little charge 253 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:05.879 is piled up, membership at a premium Jim, which Jamie 254 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:08.039 never mentioned, tickets to a concert for a band I'd 255 00:12:08.039 --> 00:12:10.559 never heard of that played the city last month. When 256 00:12:10.600 --> 00:12:12.559 I asked about the gin bill, Jamie waved it off. 257 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:15.080 Everyone from the club signed up for a group rate 258 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:17.679 were splitting it. Since when do you go to the gym? 259 00:12:18.360 --> 00:12:22.159 I pressed, she bristles, glancing at her phone. It's just 260 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:24.879 for meet ups. If the wedd's bad, honestly, it's nothing. 261 00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:27.679 Don't make it weird. Trying to be gracious, I dropped it, 262 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:31.919 but even our friends noticed Jamie's absence. Hey, our mutual 263 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:35.759 confidante since college texted me after brunch. Hey you ok, 264 00:12:36.000 --> 00:12:39.320 she typed. Feels like Jamie's kind of a mae these days. 265 00:12:39.360 --> 00:12:42.600 She seems different, everything cool. I started to type back, 266 00:12:43.000 --> 00:12:45.440 wanted to explain who at least to claim I wasn't worried, 267 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:49.240 but I sopped myself. Just send a vague yeah, all good, 268 00:12:49.320 --> 00:12:52.480 she's just busy with work stuff too. Later, standing at 269 00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:54.879 the mirror brushing my teeth, I caught Jamie watching me once, 270 00:12:55.039 --> 00:12:58.159 a fleeting, distant look in her eyes. She smiled when 271 00:12:58.159 --> 00:13:02.159 I turned you okay, yeah, I lied duck into spit. 272 00:13:03.039 --> 00:13:06.320 Jamie's phone habitche it where before she leave it abandoned 273 00:13:06.360 --> 00:13:08.320 on the kitchen counter. Now she seemed to keep it 274 00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:10.519 glue to her side, face down every time I passed 275 00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:13.399 the table. If a chirped during dinner, she'd silence it, 276 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:15.720 murmur it can wait, and go back to stabbing at 277 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:18.120 her roast to carrots, but her thumb would twitch restlessly 278 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:21.159 until she could look. One afternoon, I arranged to meet 279 00:13:21.200 --> 00:13:23.440 Kay and Jordan at our usual cafe for a late lunch. 280 00:13:24.200 --> 00:13:26.360 Jedloke from a week of work hale. I nearly crossed 281 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:28.679 straight into Jamie as she exited, her hair still damp 282 00:13:28.720 --> 00:13:32.440 post run, wearing clothes I'd never seen before, not just new, 283 00:13:32.600 --> 00:13:34.960 but trendy, like something off one of those influence of 284 00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:38.279 pages she used to roll her eyes at. She froze, 285 00:13:38.320 --> 00:13:41.399 clutching her phone, tapped behind a cluster of three running friends, 286 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:44.360 the only one of whom I recognized from Instagra. For 287 00:13:44.440 --> 00:13:46.799 a beat, her face went blank, as if caught off guard. 288 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:49.639 Then she flashed me a tea bright grin. Hey didn't 289 00:13:49.639 --> 00:13:52.480 see you there, she said. We were just leaving, ye, 290 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:55.600 meeting up with some one yea Kay and Jordan. I 291 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:58.679 ductor hug, feeling her friend's eyes flicker over me. Ye, 292 00:13:58.759 --> 00:14:01.840 guy's done running already. Kind of a short one to day. 293 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:05.679 She hitched next week's our big prep, you know, Oh well, 294 00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:08.639 maybe see you at home. She nodded, held my gaze 295 00:14:08.679 --> 00:14:10.879 for a half second two long, then turned and murmured 296 00:14:10.879 --> 00:14:13.639 something to her crew. They faded down the block, laughing 297 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:16.600 at some private joke. I watched her go, heart pounding 298 00:14:16.639 --> 00:14:19.159 in my throat. I know that feeling some one you 299 00:14:19.240 --> 00:14:22.240 love but can't quite see. That night, as Jamie's left, 300 00:14:22.240 --> 00:14:24.120 I pulled out my phone and found the Running Club's 301 00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:28.200 Instagram page. I clicked through photos, slick group shots at sunrise, 302 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:30.960 slow motion videos of runners high fiving, hash post from 303 00:14:30.960 --> 00:14:33.679 brunch tags. There she was my wife at the edge 304 00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:35.679 of a group shot, pulled in by the elbow, Bay Zane, 305 00:14:35.799 --> 00:14:38.720 the blonde guy from the street. Sometimes Clare and Ben 306 00:14:38.759 --> 00:14:42.320 were tagged. Other times it was a rotating cast, all smiles, 307 00:14:42.360 --> 00:14:46.759 all matching club shirts, nothing to see exactly, just people running, 308 00:14:47.360 --> 00:14:50.360 yet something underneath didn't fit. Pitches would go up with 309 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:53.519 everyone at breakfast place, but Jamie wouldn't post until hours later, 310 00:14:53.559 --> 00:14:56.799 an image from some other location, seemingly alone. Maybe it 311 00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:00.320 was nothing. Maybe paranoia breeds where there's no turns backancy. 312 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:04.559 The next Saturday post run, Jamie was quieter. She showered 313 00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:06.840 as soon as she got in, folding her running clothes 314 00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:08.639 with care and tucking them into a bag I hadn't 315 00:15:08.639 --> 00:15:11.480 seen before. A sleep black Duffel, the kind only fitness fanatic. 316 00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:17.279 Spy you off somewhere, I prompted. She paused, considered, Yeah, 317 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.960 Klora invited me to try recovery smooth spot near the gym. 318 00:15:20.039 --> 00:15:22.320 You want to come. It caught me off guard her 319 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:25.240 inviting me to something running club adjacent. I forced a 320 00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:28.039 polite maybe next time, and she flushed gratitude in her smile. 321 00:15:28.120 --> 00:15:31.360 Relieved after she left, I opened our joint iPad and 322 00:15:31.399 --> 00:15:34.279 searched a Saturday urban runners club. There was a closed 323 00:15:34.320 --> 00:15:37.080 PHASEB group links to local meat, to trailheads, and lots 324 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:39.519 of babbel about paces and FOURM rollers. But none of 325 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:41.960 the names Jamie dropped came up in any visible posts. 326 00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:46.120 Everything was protected photos, all filter forlecks, none of the 327 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:51.039 mysterious friends directly tag. I started making list names, faces, details, 328 00:15:51.039 --> 00:15:53.159 trying to map the world Jamie now seemed to occupy. 329 00:15:53.759 --> 00:15:56.159 Clora sometimes with blonde calls. Was in a handful of 330 00:15:56.159 --> 00:15:59.080 club Instagram shots with Jamie, but Ben only showed up 331 00:15:59.120 --> 00:16:01.480 once or twice. I never in group Selfie's that matched 332 00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:05.320 Jamie's claim schedules. She said Ben drove her home last Saturday, 333 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:07.240 but the map co ordinates for the club runs didn't 334 00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:09.879 match the cafe receipt from that same morning. I felt 335 00:16:09.960 --> 00:16:12.279 like a conspiracy theorist in my own kitchen, coming receipts, 336 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.919 catching myself memorized tiny details. The deeper I looked, the 337 00:16:16.000 --> 00:16:19.720 less I understood. Then the plilis changed again. Our shared 338 00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:22.960 Spotify account, which had once reflected both artis plenty of 339 00:16:22.960 --> 00:16:25.159 course of her between Jane's Vintage Soul and my indeed 340 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:28.360 deep cuts now trended sharply towards songs I didn't recognize. 341 00:16:28.919 --> 00:16:30.879 Jamie played the day and night, chilling on the couch 342 00:16:30.919 --> 00:16:33.840 with a book, folding laundry tapping were cut reminders on 343 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.200 her calendar. I'd ask, who's this and she shrug Just 344 00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:40.879 something Chlora sent me makes running easier. One evening, as 345 00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:44.320 Jamie choped vegetables for dinner, a breast for details. Are 346 00:16:44.320 --> 00:16:46.600 you and Cora close? You mentioned her a lot lately, 347 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:50.679 Jamie paused, blayed, hovering over a carrot. Yeah, we run 348 00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:52.919 together most weekend. She's the club's social share of kind 349 00:16:52.960 --> 00:16:56.360 of the glue. Why she seems nice? I said, careful, 350 00:16:57.000 --> 00:16:59.200 But you mentioned Ben drove you after the run last week? 351 00:16:59.320 --> 00:17:01.960 Was he upbrunched too? For a second, Jamie's face rich, 352 00:17:02.039 --> 00:17:05.799 almost imperceptibly, But there Ben comes sometimes. Carr is usually 353 00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:09.440 the one organizing. Though she chopped faster, a little too hard. 354 00:17:10.000 --> 00:17:11.720 I let it drop, heap prickling at the back of 355 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:14.480 my neck. Every time I reached for an anchor, Jamie 356 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:17.680 gave me a changing current. But then the following Friday, 357 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:20.880 another puzzle piece slipped into my hand. Jamie was standing 358 00:17:20.880 --> 00:17:23.319 at the kitchen island, plugging in her new headphone, swaying 359 00:17:23.319 --> 00:17:26.119 to an unfamiliar outbeat tune, her phone buzzed to lock 360 00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:29.160 screen alert can't wait to see you if lash from 361 00:17:29.160 --> 00:17:32.759 a contact with no name, only a fire emoji. Jamie frowned, 362 00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:35.319 dismissed the alert, and, thinking I wasn't looking, turned her 363 00:17:35.359 --> 00:17:38.880 phone to airplane mode. I tried not to react, but 364 00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:41.119 as I cleared the table that night, her phone chopped 365 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:44.200 again a notification from a concert ticketing app. I opened 366 00:17:44.200 --> 00:17:46.519 our banking app A recent charge for two tickets to 367 00:17:46.559 --> 00:17:48.559 a band I'd never mentioned, the same group from her 368 00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:53.160 running playlist? Was that for us? I asked, feigning casualness. 369 00:17:53.720 --> 00:17:57.640 Did you get concert ticket? She hesitated and then nodded, yeah. 370 00:17:57.680 --> 00:17:59.559 I mean the club is planning to go as a group. 371 00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:01.720 I thought you might want to come, but I figured no, 372 00:18:01.960 --> 00:18:04.400 since you don't really know the music, you could have 373 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:07.720 just asked. She'll laughed, but her voice was thin. False 374 00:18:08.519 --> 00:18:12.400 Next time, promise, I texted Kay later, have you talked 375 00:18:12.400 --> 00:18:15.599 to Jamie much? She seems kind of different, right, Kay 376 00:18:15.640 --> 00:18:18.160 took a while to respond. I tried to meet her 377 00:18:18.160 --> 00:18:20.519 for coffee last week. She counseled said she was slammed 378 00:18:20.559 --> 00:18:24.160 with work. Is everything okay? I hovered over the reply box. 379 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:28.039 Then tight, Yeah, just busy. I guess I wasn't convinced. 380 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:32.240 Saturday crept up again, as inevitable as rainfall. Jamie left 381 00:18:32.279 --> 00:18:33.960 for her run with less ceremonied than you shall know 382 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.599 playlists just to quick see you for brunch thrown over 383 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:39.640 her shoulder. I said i'd meet her at Mariel's at noon, 384 00:18:39.720 --> 00:18:42.519 and she agreed, promising to text when she was heading back. 385 00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:46.119 Noon came and went Mariels. We filled our coffee cups twice. 386 00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:50.279 Kay shot me a sympathetic look. Janie finally arrived closer 387 00:18:50.319 --> 00:18:53.279 to one beautifully put together, hair damp but make up perfect. 388 00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:55.640 She's slipped him with a story about the run going 389 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:58.079 along the group chatting about marathon meets her voice a 390 00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:01.400 little defensive. Sorry, lost track of time. The whole club 391 00:19:01.440 --> 00:19:04.319 wanted to compare stats. I couldn't wrangle them out. She 392 00:19:04.440 --> 00:19:07.279 checked her watch, apologized again, and offered to cover my meal, 393 00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:10.119 something she'd never done before. I reached for her hand 394 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:13.799 under the table, but she pulled away to answer a message. Sorry, 395 00:19:13.960 --> 00:19:16.160 ye mind if I it's a work thing, she mumbled, 396 00:19:16.799 --> 00:19:19.920 Kay and Jordan exchanged a glance. I pretended not to 397 00:19:19.960 --> 00:19:22.240 see it, told myself I was inventing meaning where there 398 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:25.359 was none. As people left, Jamie said ceated, scrolling through 399 00:19:25.359 --> 00:19:28.160 her phone. When we walked home, I asked, was the 400 00:19:28.200 --> 00:19:33.519 run really that rough? She nodded. Clora pushed us I'm wiped. Later, 401 00:19:33.599 --> 00:19:35.400