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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to Later with Mo Kelly on demand from

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<v Speaker 1>KFI a M six forty Nature.

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<v Speaker 2>Mark talks about.

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<v Speaker 3>The about pop culture, ron and Report with Mark Ronner.

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<v Speaker 4>It's Later with Mo Kelly on KFI a M six

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<v Speaker 4>forty Live Everywhere on the iHeart App. I'm Mark Ronner.

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<v Speaker 4>It's the Runner Report and Tonight we stare uncomfortably at

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<v Speaker 4>Hard Eyes. There's a number of Valentine's Day themed horror movies,

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<v Speaker 4>most notably My Bloody Valentine and A Remake of It

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<v Speaker 4>because we needed a remake of My Bloody Valentine. There

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<v Speaker 4>needs to be plenty of horror movies for every holiday

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<v Speaker 4>because normal holiday movies tend to be unbearably cheesy. Valentine's Day,

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<v Speaker 4>especially though, because it's mostly one of those Hallmark generated

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<v Speaker 4>holidays when all the restaurants are crowded and you're expected

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<v Speaker 4>to blow a lot of dough on perfunctory gifts, and

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<v Speaker 4>most people don't need them or want them, but if

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<v Speaker 4>you don't, there can be repercussions. So a V Day

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<v Speaker 4>horror flick is kind of a minor active rebellion. If

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<v Speaker 4>we've got to do Valentine stuff, let's combine it with

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<v Speaker 4>watching irritating characters get knocked off in grotesque ways, so

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<v Speaker 4>that brings us to Hard Eyes. It is a rom com,

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<v Speaker 4>slasher horror perpetrated just in time for Valentine's Day.

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<v Speaker 2>Here's a little bit of the trailer.

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<v Speaker 1>In the past two years, a masked maniac known as

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<v Speaker 1>the Hard Eyes Killer has stock and brutally swaying couples

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<v Speaker 1>on Valentine's Day, with no moto yet uncovered.

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<v Speaker 4>This is more than just.

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<v Speaker 1>He's like Cupid with a kink.

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<v Speaker 2>We're being chased by a being serial killer. Yes, he's

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<v Speaker 2>going to keep killing people.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, let's end it there. That's your premise. A serial

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<v Speaker 4>killer who kills couples and has red, glowing heart shape

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<v Speaker 4>lenses in his official serial killer mask. He hones in

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<v Speaker 4>on a young guy and a woman who aren't a

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<v Speaker 4>couple yet, but who met cute and happened to work

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<v Speaker 4>at the same ad agency in Seattle. I have no

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<v Speaker 4>intention of learning their names or spreading them to you.

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<v Speaker 4>Like an std the not a couple things quickly be

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<v Speaker 4>m you like that they're not a couple, and the

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<v Speaker 4>fact that they're not a couple becomes a really tedious

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<v Speaker 4>running joke without intending to. It really reminded me of

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<v Speaker 4>a much funnier bid in Andy Warhol's Dracula, where Dracula

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<v Speaker 4>can only drink the blood of virgins, which he pronounces

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<v Speaker 4>weird jins and the hero has to check off. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 4>exactly like Chekhov. It's udo kir. The hero of that

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<v Speaker 4>movie has to heroically make sure he saves the lives

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<v Speaker 4>of women nearby him by making them expurgents. Now, when

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<v Speaker 4>I talk about jokes in this movie, that's in quotation

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<v Speaker 4>marks that you can't hear because as a comedy, Hard

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<v Speaker 4>Eyes isn't funny, and as a horror movie it's not scary.

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<v Speaker 4>This is actually the kind of thing I'd be okay

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<v Speaker 4>with Elon Musk's doge eliminating for not being efficient at

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<v Speaker 4>anything it's supposed to be doing. Jordana Brewster from those

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<v Speaker 4>unwatchable Fast and Furious movies plays a cop with a

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<v Speaker 4>partner and their names are Hobbs and Shaw.

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<v Speaker 2>Get it. That's what passes for a joke in Hard Eyes?

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<v Speaker 2>Get it? Are you serious? Not getting no way?

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<v Speaker 4>They are named after characters from the Fast and Fury universe,

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<v Speaker 4>and that's a bit Oh gosh, she's the biggest name

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<v Speaker 4>in this movie, and I swear I could almost see

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<v Speaker 4>her cringe during some of the line deliveries. That's how

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<v Speaker 4>bad this is. Also, I don't need everything to make sense,

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<v Speaker 4>especially not in a comedy, an alleged comedy. But nothing

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<v Speaker 4>makes sense. And hard Eyes starting with how a machety

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<v Speaker 4>brandishing guy with a mask and heart shaped eyes just

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<v Speaker 4>walks all around Seattle without any interference, covered with tattoos

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<v Speaker 4>and maybe septum rings or one of those big ear

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<v Speaker 4>stretch hoops, you'll blend right in mask, in a machete

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<v Speaker 4>in Seattle. You might as well be walking around with

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<v Speaker 4>an open umbrella. You're gonna get accosted, possibly scolded. Here's

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<v Speaker 4>the thing, though, how do you know when a comedy

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<v Speaker 4>making fun of something is just doing the thing? Or

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<v Speaker 4>to put it, like Beavis and butt heead would. What

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<v Speaker 4>if something making fun of things that suck also sucks?

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<v Speaker 4>What if it doesn't matter if something stick or if

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<v Speaker 4>it's genuine because the end results the same, you know,

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<v Speaker 4>like and Culter. The only thing that could have made

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<v Speaker 4>this experience worse was the only other guy in the

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<v Speaker 4>theater with me, who was having full volume cell phone

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<v Speaker 4>conversations through the whole movie. I think maybe even some arguments. Now.

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<v Speaker 4>I turned around to face him fully give him the

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<v Speaker 4>stink eye, and for a good long time didn't even

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<v Speaker 4>give him pause. His face was fully illuminated by his

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<v Speaker 4>phone through the whole movie. But at the same time,

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<v Speaker 4>I'm not completely sure I could blame him. I mean,

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<v Speaker 4>I wanted to separate his head from his body, but

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<v Speaker 4>I sort of understood where he was at. Here's your

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<v Speaker 4>pull quote, publicist, hard Eyes. It's not about Kevin Hart

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<v Speaker 4>getting stabbed in the eyes. Or how about this Hard

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<v Speaker 4>Eyes may be the new worst thing I've ever seen.

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<v Speaker 4>How can I be sure? Sometimes you just know? Or

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<v Speaker 4>here's another one. Here's another one. Take someone you love

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<v Speaker 4>to see Hard Eyes for Valentine's Day in lieu of

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<v Speaker 4>serving divorce papers. When I mentioned I was seeing this movie,

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<v Speaker 4>I believe MO, you asked me some sophomoric question about

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<v Speaker 4>whether anyone had a heart shaped ass, and I would

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<v Speaker 4>watch ninety minutes of just a camera on an ass

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<v Speaker 4>instead of this movie if I could have. Oh, here's

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<v Speaker 4>one more for the publicist. I did not heart Hard

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<v Speaker 4>Eyes poop emoji. Have I made myself clear?

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<v Speaker 1>MO?

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<v Speaker 4>Have I?

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<v Speaker 5>Yes, you did not enjoy either the experience in the

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<v Speaker 5>theater or the movie on screen.

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<v Speaker 4>Now it has reminded me, though, that there weren't enough

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<v Speaker 4>impalements on the old Heart to Heart TV show. You

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<v Speaker 4>remember that, I sure do. Robert Wagner, Stephanie, Stephanie Powers,

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<v Speaker 4>the girl from Uncle. I think Grizzly Deaths would have

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<v Speaker 4>made me enjoy that show much much more than I did.

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<v Speaker 2>But we've talked about this before.

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<v Speaker 5>It's still going to make its money and make someone

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<v Speaker 5>else some money, it might.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's actually gotten some decent reviews. I think it's up.

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<v Speaker 4>We're around eighty three ish percent or so on Rotten Tomatoes,

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<v Speaker 4>which I just cannot fathom.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't.

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<v Speaker 4>There's an old philosophical maximum, and I think I've mentioned

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<v Speaker 4>it on the show before, that if you and another

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<v Speaker 4>person see the same exact thing and you have completely

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<v Speaker 4>differing opinions on it, one of you must be insane.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not the insane one. This movie's terrible.

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<v Speaker 5>Well, we rarely agree on anything, so one of us

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<v Speaker 5>is insane.

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<v Speaker 4>If you and I went to this movie and we

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<v Speaker 4>came out of it and you said, wasn't that great?

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<v Speaker 4>I would perform a mercy killing on the spot.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah, you wouldn't have to worry, because I don't go

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<v Speaker 5>to these types of movies, and I doubt I would

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<v Speaker 5>find any of them great.

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<v Speaker 4>Also, I think starting this year's slasher movies are gonna

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<v Speaker 4>be horror movies about slashing government programs, So they're gonna

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<v Speaker 4>have to start calling actual slasher movies where you just

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<v Speaker 4>kill one person at a time something else. I mean, honestly,

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<v Speaker 4>I don't see a slasher flick called say Usaid that

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<v Speaker 4>shows thousands of poor foreign kids dying of starvation and disease.

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<v Speaker 4>Not much of a crowd pleaser, or a slasher film

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<v Speaker 4>called Social Security, no thumbs down, low rotten tomatoes score.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know. Some people are enjoying the moment thumbs

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<v Speaker 2>down from me.

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<v Speaker 1>You're listening to Later with More O'Kelly on demand from

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<v Speaker 1>KFI A M six forty