Speaker 1: You're listening to Later with Mo Kelly on demand from
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Speaker 2: Mark talks about.
Speaker 3: The about pop culture, ron and Report with Mark Ronner.
Speaker 4: It's Later with Mo Kelly on KFI a M six
Speaker 4: forty Live Everywhere on the iHeart App. I'm Mark Ronner.
Speaker 4: It's the Runner Report and Tonight we stare uncomfortably at
Speaker 4: Hard Eyes. There's a number of Valentine's Day themed horror movies,
Speaker 4: most notably My Bloody Valentine and A Remake of It
Speaker 4: because we needed a remake of My Bloody Valentine. There
Speaker 4: needs to be plenty of horror movies for every holiday
Speaker 4: because normal holiday movies tend to be unbearably cheesy. Valentine's Day,
Speaker 4: especially though, because it's mostly one of those Hallmark generated
Speaker 4: holidays when all the restaurants are crowded and you're expected
Speaker 4: to blow a lot of dough on perfunctory gifts, and
Speaker 4: most people don't need them or want them, but if
Speaker 4: you don't, there can be repercussions. So a V Day
Speaker 4: horror flick is kind of a minor active rebellion. If
Speaker 4: we've got to do Valentine stuff, let's combine it with
Speaker 4: watching irritating characters get knocked off in grotesque ways, so
Speaker 4: that brings us to Hard Eyes. It is a rom com,
Speaker 4: slasher horror perpetrated just in time for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 2: Here's a little bit of the trailer.
Speaker 1: In the past two years, a masked maniac known as
Speaker 1: the Hard Eyes Killer has stock and brutally swaying couples
Speaker 1: on Valentine's Day, with no moto yet uncovered.
Speaker 4: This is more than just.
Speaker 1: He's like Cupid with a kink.
Speaker 2: We're being chased by a being serial killer. Yes, he's
Speaker 2: going to keep killing people.
Speaker 4: Yeah, let's end it there. That's your premise. A serial
Speaker 4: killer who kills couples and has red, glowing heart shape
Speaker 4: lenses in his official serial killer mask. He hones in
Speaker 4: on a young guy and a woman who aren't a
Speaker 4: couple yet, but who met cute and happened to work
Speaker 4: at the same ad agency in Seattle. I have no
Speaker 4: intention of learning their names or spreading them to you.
Speaker 4: Like an std the not a couple things quickly be
Speaker 4: m you like that they're not a couple, and the
Speaker 4: fact that they're not a couple becomes a really tedious
Speaker 4: running joke without intending to. It really reminded me of
Speaker 4: a much funnier bid in Andy Warhol's Dracula, where Dracula
Speaker 4: can only drink the blood of virgins, which he pronounces
Speaker 4: weird jins and the hero has to check off. Yeah,
Speaker 4: exactly like Chekhov. It's udo kir. The hero of that
Speaker 4: movie has to heroically make sure he saves the lives
Speaker 4: of women nearby him by making them expurgents. Now, when
Speaker 4: I talk about jokes in this movie, that's in quotation
Speaker 4: marks that you can't hear because as a comedy, Hard
Speaker 4: Eyes isn't funny, and as a horror movie it's not scary.
Speaker 4: This is actually the kind of thing I'd be okay
Speaker 4: with Elon Musk's doge eliminating for not being efficient at
Speaker 4: anything it's supposed to be doing. Jordana Brewster from those
Speaker 4: unwatchable Fast and Furious movies plays a cop with a
Speaker 4: partner and their names are Hobbs and Shaw.
Speaker 2: Get it. That's what passes for a joke in Hard Eyes?
Speaker 2: Get it? Are you serious? Not getting no way?
Speaker 4: They are named after characters from the Fast and Fury universe,
Speaker 4: and that's a bit Oh gosh, she's the biggest name
Speaker 4: in this movie, and I swear I could almost see
Speaker 4: her cringe during some of the line deliveries. That's how
Speaker 4: bad this is. Also, I don't need everything to make sense,
Speaker 4: especially not in a comedy, an alleged comedy. But nothing
Speaker 4: makes sense. And hard Eyes starting with how a machety
Speaker 4: brandishing guy with a mask and heart shaped eyes just
Speaker 4: walks all around Seattle without any interference, covered with tattoos
Speaker 4: and maybe septum rings or one of those big ear
Speaker 4: stretch hoops, you'll blend right in mask, in a machete
Speaker 4: in Seattle. You might as well be walking around with
Speaker 4: an open umbrella. You're gonna get accosted, possibly scolded. Here's
Speaker 4: the thing, though, how do you know when a comedy
Speaker 4: making fun of something is just doing the thing? Or
Speaker 4: to put it, like Beavis and butt heead would. What
Speaker 4: if something making fun of things that suck also sucks?
Speaker 4: What if it doesn't matter if something stick or if
Speaker 4: it's genuine because the end results the same, you know,
Speaker 4: like and Culter. The only thing that could have made
Speaker 4: this experience worse was the only other guy in the
Speaker 4: theater with me, who was having full volume cell phone
Speaker 4: conversations through the whole movie. I think maybe even some arguments. Now.
Speaker 4: I turned around to face him fully give him the
Speaker 4: stink eye, and for a good long time didn't even
Speaker 4: give him pause. His face was fully illuminated by his
Speaker 4: phone through the whole movie. But at the same time,
Speaker 4: I'm not completely sure I could blame him. I mean,
Speaker 4: I wanted to separate his head from his body, but
Speaker 4: I sort of understood where he was at. Here's your
Speaker 4: pull quote, publicist, hard Eyes. It's not about Kevin Hart
Speaker 4: getting stabbed in the eyes. Or how about this Hard
Speaker 4: Eyes may be the new worst thing I've ever seen.
Speaker 4: How can I be sure? Sometimes you just know? Or
Speaker 4: here's another one. Here's another one. Take someone you love
Speaker 4: to see Hard Eyes for Valentine's Day in lieu of
Speaker 4: serving divorce papers. When I mentioned I was seeing this movie,
Speaker 4: I believe MO, you asked me some sophomoric question about
Speaker 4: whether anyone had a heart shaped ass, and I would
Speaker 4: watch ninety minutes of just a camera on an ass
Speaker 4: instead of this movie if I could have. Oh, here's
Speaker 4: one more for the publicist. I did not heart Hard
Speaker 4: Eyes poop emoji. Have I made myself clear?
Speaker 1: MO?
Speaker 4: Have I?
Speaker 5: Yes, you did not enjoy either the experience in the
Speaker 5: theater or the movie on screen.
Speaker 4: Now it has reminded me, though, that there weren't enough
Speaker 4: impalements on the old Heart to Heart TV show. You
Speaker 4: remember that, I sure do. Robert Wagner, Stephanie, Stephanie Powers,
Speaker 4: the girl from Uncle. I think Grizzly Deaths would have
Speaker 4: made me enjoy that show much much more than I did.
Speaker 2: But we've talked about this before.
Speaker 5: It's still going to make its money and make someone
Speaker 5: else some money, it might.
Speaker 2: And it's actually gotten some decent reviews. I think it's up.
Speaker 4: We're around eighty three ish percent or so on Rotten Tomatoes,
Speaker 4: which I just cannot fathom.
Speaker 2: I can't.
Speaker 4: There's an old philosophical maximum, and I think I've mentioned
Speaker 4: it on the show before, that if you and another
Speaker 4: person see the same exact thing and you have completely
Speaker 4: differing opinions on it, one of you must be insane.
Speaker 2: I'm not the insane one. This movie's terrible.
Speaker 5: Well, we rarely agree on anything, so one of us
Speaker 5: is insane.
Speaker 4: If you and I went to this movie and we
Speaker 4: came out of it and you said, wasn't that great?
Speaker 4: I would perform a mercy killing on the spot.
Speaker 5: Yeah, you wouldn't have to worry, because I don't go
Speaker 5: to these types of movies, and I doubt I would
Speaker 5: find any of them great.
Speaker 4: Also, I think starting this year's slasher movies are gonna
Speaker 4: be horror movies about slashing government programs, So they're gonna
Speaker 4: have to start calling actual slasher movies where you just
Speaker 4: kill one person at a time something else. I mean, honestly,
Speaker 4: I don't see a slasher flick called say Usaid that
Speaker 4: shows thousands of poor foreign kids dying of starvation and disease.
Speaker 4: Not much of a crowd pleaser, or a slasher film
Speaker 4: called Social Security, no thumbs down, low rotten tomatoes score.
Speaker 2: I don't know. Some people are enjoying the moment thumbs
Speaker 2: down from me.
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