WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.480 The apartment was dim except for a trail of golden 2 00:00:07.599 --> 00:00:11.160 lamplight draped over the brick wall. I let my briefcase 3 00:00:11.160 --> 00:00:14.359 slip into its usual hollow beside the shoe rack, and paused, 4 00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:17.800 caught by the muted sound of low jazz strumming from 5 00:00:17.800 --> 00:00:22.120 our living room speaker. It was late nine forty five, 6 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:26.559 maybe ten. The client dinner had run long, longer than 7 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:29.640 these things ever should, leaving me beached in a shallow 8 00:00:29.679 --> 00:00:33.479 pool of exhaustion, heartburn, and the vague hope that Sarah 9 00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:37.439 might still be awake, watching something mindless, waiting for me, 10 00:00:37.479 --> 00:00:40.479 with her feet curled up on the sofa. I wanted 11 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:43.000 to see her face more than I expected, as if 12 00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:46.039 a quiet Friday night together could untie all the knots 13 00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:49.560 of the week. Instead, I found her like an apparition, 14 00:00:49.679 --> 00:00:53.320 out of context. She lounged in our battered velvet armchair, 15 00:00:53.600 --> 00:00:57.359 knees drawn up, silk robe knotted less tightly than usual, 16 00:00:57.759 --> 00:01:01.759 not quite suggestive, not quite careless, her face pinched in 17 00:01:01.880 --> 00:01:06.200 concentration or maybe concern, blank apart from the shadows beneath 18 00:01:06.239 --> 00:01:10.200 her eyes, a bottle of deep red, the color of 19 00:01:10.319 --> 00:01:14.920 rubies and confessions shimmered on the side table beside her label. 20 00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:19.280 I didn't recognize the kind that belongs in a Somelia's vocabulary, 21 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:22.920 not in the fridge drawer, wedged between our seltzers and 22 00:01:22.959 --> 00:01:27.400 whatever left overs we were promising ourselves to eat. Sarah 23 00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:30.599 didn't hear me at first. It was that unguarded moment 24 00:01:30.760 --> 00:01:33.560 maybe two seconds, where she looked like she dropped out 25 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:36.040 of her own life for a little while. Then the 26 00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:39.280 front door clicking shut made her jump. She set the 27 00:01:39.319 --> 00:01:44.680 glass aside abruptly, almost spilling. Oh. Her smile came a 28 00:01:44.680 --> 00:01:48.560 half second late, eyes flicking over me, my undone tie, 29 00:01:48.640 --> 00:01:53.200 my slack shoulders. You're back earlier than I expected. I 30 00:01:53.239 --> 00:01:56.560 stepped further in trying to read the room. Yeah, the 31 00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:59.400 partners got bored of the CEO story for the third 32 00:01:59.439 --> 00:02:03.400 time and declared victory. What's the occasion? I gestured at 33 00:02:03.439 --> 00:02:07.040 the wine, Not casual supermarket stuff, but a squat bottle 34 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:10.599 from that rival gallery up town, A torn branded bag 35 00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:16.400 draped over the radiator, celebrating something she hesitated not long. 36 00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:19.759 Amelia from the gallery found this and thought I'd like it, 37 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:22.120 kind of a thank you for pulling the frances in 38 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:25.439 stall together at the last minute, she toyed with a 39 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:28.319 loose thread on her robe, her voice landing just a 40 00:02:28.360 --> 00:02:31.800 fraction too carefully, like she'd rehearsed it. To be honest, 41 00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:35.960 I'm not even sure if it's that good. Want a taste. 42 00:02:36.159 --> 00:02:39.479 I took the glass, swirled it automatic, the way you're 43 00:02:39.479 --> 00:02:43.120 supposed to be polite. The ruby arks crept down the sides. 44 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:46.319 This was expensive, even I could tell, not the sort 45 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:50.080 of thing someone gives away casually, and certainly not from Amelia, 46 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:54.560 who practically drank boxed pinot and had opinions about wine snobbery. 47 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.719 I sniffed fumes of berries, sour and lush. So Amelia 48 00:02:59.719 --> 00:03:02.159 gave you a bottle from the older pel and Meeks place. 49 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:06.479 I tried to sound amused, not skeptical. The rival gallery 50 00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:09.560 had been clawing for Market's share for years. A minor 51 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:13.680 goofy feud in a neighborhood overcrowded with artists, dealers, and 52 00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:17.199 tourists with more credit than taste. She defecting to the 53 00:03:17.319 --> 00:03:22.199 enemy now or just bribing her competition. Sarah's mouth quirked, 54 00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:25.280 more controlled than warm. A friend of a friend thing. 55 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:29.120 Amelia's friend organizes events there got it at trade price. 56 00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:31.800 She said it was too good to pass up. She 57 00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.439 met my eyes, intent, insistent people are friendlier than you think, Mark. 58 00:03:37.039 --> 00:03:40.000 She tried to sound breezy, as if something was funny 59 00:03:40.039 --> 00:03:43.199 I'd missed. I perched on the arm of the sofa, 60 00:03:43.439 --> 00:03:46.199 half a room away, feeling like the outsider in my 61 00:03:46.280 --> 00:03:49.960 own home. For one thick, petty second. Did you eat dinner? 62 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:54.520 I asked, I wasn't hungry. Her fingers roamed the stem 63 00:03:54.599 --> 00:03:57.639 of her glass. It's just been a long, weird day. 64 00:03:58.000 --> 00:04:02.159 I wanted to unwind a little. Usually her voice would soften, 65 00:04:02.199 --> 00:04:05.039 then she'd scoot a side and gesture for me, the 66 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:08.520 old silent invitation to touch, to forget the world's grind 67 00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:12.240 to night. It was like she'd built a wall, disguised 68 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:15.840 behind a tumble of hair. I sipped the wine, searching 69 00:04:15.879 --> 00:04:18.920 for a new question. It dawned on me how much 70 00:04:18.920 --> 00:04:22.319 I'd been hoping she'd complain about her mother's passive aggressive texts, 71 00:04:22.639 --> 00:04:25.040 or tell me about the nitpicking collector with the deep 72 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:29.120 pockets from Texas. I wanted the old rhythm, her chattering 73 00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:33.279 about impossible clients, me poking gentle fun, anything to return 74 00:04:33.360 --> 00:04:36.680 us to our easy practiced loop, but she only asked 75 00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:40.279 about my dinner, prodding for highlights, waiting, I thought, with 76 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:45.040 uncertainty or boredom, I couldn't tell. On the coffee table, 77 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:48.680 her phone buzzed once, screened downward, too quick for me 78 00:04:48.759 --> 00:04:52.560 to see. She didn't move to check it. Big plans 79 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:56.279 to morrow, I finally asked, mostly to break the silence, 80 00:04:57.399 --> 00:05:00.600 just the usual, maybe brunch with Allison if she around, 81 00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:04.040 I might pop by a show at Newfield. Her eyes 82 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:07.920 darted past me, toward the city's blinking lights. I wanted 83 00:05:07.920 --> 00:05:10.079 to ask what was weighing on her, but the question 84 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:13.680 shrank in my throat. Instead, I stood and kissed the 85 00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:17.279 top of her head, quietly, noting the clean, expensive perfume 86 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:21.240 she used only on work days. She tensed, then relaxed, 87 00:05:21.519 --> 00:05:24.000 and in that flicker the oddness grew roots in me. 88 00:05:24.600 --> 00:05:28.360 Was it simply exhaustion, stress or something else I couldn't name. 89 00:05:29.399 --> 00:05:31.920 She watched my reflection in the window as I took 90 00:05:31.959 --> 00:05:34.920 my empty glass back to the kitchen, her gaze skipping 91 00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:37.759 away when I looked back. I left her there with 92 00:05:37.800 --> 00:05:41.040 her fortress of wine and half answers, alone in a 93 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:45.199 room I thought we'd built together. All night. The unsettled 94 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:47.920 feeling nibbled the edge of my sleep. I tried to 95 00:05:47.959 --> 00:05:51.240 tell myself, don't be jealous, don't turn into the kind 96 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:54.319 of man who makes stories out of nothing. You're tired, 97 00:05:54.519 --> 00:05:57.480 she's tired. This is what a busy stretch looks like. 98 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:02.040 People grow distant for days or weeks. Don't invent betrayal 99 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:06.839 every time your partner seems distracted, but still the taste 100 00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:10.560 of that too fine wine, lingered, sharp and metallic, the 101 00:06:10.600 --> 00:06:13.240 sort of detail you try not to remember but can't 102 00:06:13.319 --> 00:06:16.920 quite make go away. We met at a gallery opening 103 00:06:16.920 --> 00:06:20.199 in late fall, a haze of warm lights, wine that 104 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:24.519 wasn't poured, from price tags and Walter wall voices. Sarah 105 00:06:24.600 --> 00:06:28.839 sparkled even then, sweeping between artists and buyers, half factor, 106 00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:33.040 half curator, draping laughter over strangers like a silk scarf. 107 00:06:33.639 --> 00:06:36.600 I was there, tagging along with my friend Jason, clutching 108 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:40.360 a plastic glass of Vermentino, already planning my escape to 109 00:06:40.439 --> 00:06:45.199 burrito joint. Around the corner, she caught Jason's eye, called out, 110 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:48.560 and introduced herself as the least qualified art lover here. 111 00:06:49.399 --> 00:06:52.759 Her grin was a challenge to the room's seriousness. Within 112 00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:56.319 five minutes, she had me debating whether abstract sculpture or 113 00:06:56.360 --> 00:07:00.480 straight laced modernism was the greater cultural scam. She kept 114 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.439 glancing at my shoes like it amused her that I'd 115 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:07.319 worn construction site boots. Among the sea of Oxford's and heels. 116 00:07:07.879 --> 00:07:10.319 We migrated to sour beers and pool at a bar, 117 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:13.800 twisting with music. She talked about dreaming of managing her 118 00:07:13.800 --> 00:07:17.560 own gallery, about growing up expecting to make people see differently, 119 00:07:18.120 --> 00:07:20.199 even if half the time it meant pretending for the 120 00:07:20.199 --> 00:07:23.680 buyer's sake. Her charm was sharp and quick, but not 121 00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:27.240 the brittle kind. I felt seen as someone more than 122 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:30.959 a spreadsheet jockey, more than the quiet, reliable foil to 123 00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:35.920 everyone else's chaos. By spring, we'd moved in together, crowding 124 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:39.160 mismatched thrift store chairs around a two person kitchen table. 125 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:43.120 She stacked art books everywhere. I started bringing her architecture 126 00:07:43.160 --> 00:07:47.240 magazines and drawing sketches for week end projects. Tiny edits 127 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:50.560 to the shape of our life together. Our friend group expanded, 128 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:54.079 crammed into our place for late night pasta or rooftop drinks. 129 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:57.519 I liked the tumult Sarah making every one feel like 130 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:02.040 a confidant, me manning the playlist and refilling wine. We 131 00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:04.879 learned the beats of each other's days. I come home 132 00:08:04.879 --> 00:08:07.560 and catch her leaned over the desk, cheeks flushed from 133 00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:10.920 some last minute pr disaster solved with a text or call. 134 00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:14.240 She'd find me sketching floor sections at midnight, her a 135 00:08:14.360 --> 00:08:17.920 mess covered in pencil dust. We didn't talk about forever, 136 00:08:18.199 --> 00:08:21.240 but it was implied in our routines, her hand reaching 137 00:08:21.279 --> 00:08:24.759 for mine in the morning, the crunch of toast, Sunday markets, 138 00:08:24.959 --> 00:08:28.360 Tuesday night trivia, the swapping of dumb stories after a 139 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:32.559 bad day. She needed the swirl of people, the randomness 140 00:08:32.600 --> 00:08:36.159 of the art world, its gossip and glamor. I liked 141 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:39.720 creating order, building shapes out of chaos. Knowing that my 142 00:08:39.840 --> 00:08:42.360 work would weigh on a skyline for a century may 143 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:46.279 be more. We fit as compliments her social hunger, my 144 00:08:46.399 --> 00:08:51.360 quiet perseverance balanced. But there were moments, especially since she'd 145 00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:54.200 been promoted to gallery manager, when the gap between our 146 00:08:54.240 --> 00:08:58.080 worlds felt wide. Her home late from launches, breathless with 147 00:08:58.120 --> 00:09:02.240 the spark of new contacts, weighing blueprints and bottom lines alone. 148 00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:05.440 Most nights, I watched her move through parties as if 149 00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:08.399 she barely needed to touch the ground and felt proud, 150 00:09:08.759 --> 00:09:12.720 sometimes left behind, sometimes amazed. She called our place home. 151 00:09:13.799 --> 00:09:17.200 She started fielding after ours calls in the kitchen, laughing 152 00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:21.000 about how the art world never sleeps, and I'd listened 153 00:09:21.000 --> 00:09:24.559 from the bedroom, wondering if I could ever match that velocity. 154 00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:28.600 I can't say I noticed it changing in a single moment, 155 00:09:29.120 --> 00:09:32.679 but as the invitations piled up, as her career ticked upward, 156 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.679 I wondered if I had become scenery in the background 157 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:39.320 of her new life, A reliable fixture, but no longer 158 00:09:39.360 --> 00:09:43.559 the person she called first when something mattered. Our friends 159 00:09:43.639 --> 00:09:48.440 called us golden you too, relationship goals, Allison said once 160 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:51.399 over drinks, her voice half mocking. I think she was 161 00:09:51.480 --> 00:09:55.919 half jealous, maybe half right. I wanted to believe it now. 162 00:09:56.000 --> 00:09:59.559 Walking into that strange Saturday night, I started to sense 163 00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:02.120 the scale of what I might be losing, not just 164 00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:05.960 a wife, but the feeling of being chosen again and again, 165 00:10:06.360 --> 00:10:10.279 despite the odds. The city was unforgiving. The next week, 166 00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:13.879 humid air, sticking to everything, I worked late on a 167 00:10:13.919 --> 00:10:16.919 new bid, watching dusk turn to midnight through a wall 168 00:10:16.960 --> 00:10:22.000 of glass and steel. I'd grown used to our alternating schedules. Still, 169 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:25.120 for every night I stayed late, Sarah seemed to add 170 00:10:25.159 --> 00:10:28.600 another event, another excuse for why she'd missed dinner or 171 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:32.759 come home after I'd gone to bed. The following Friday, 172 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:36.039 her gallery hosted an opening for a young painter from Madrid. 173 00:10:36.600 --> 00:10:40.399 Sarah texted around seven, don't wait up too late. Collected 174 00:10:40.440 --> 00:10:44.240 dinner after X. I thumbed a quick have fun, and 175 00:10:44.320 --> 00:10:48.279 resigned myself to take out and Netflix. When she finally 176 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:51.360 slid in around one a m. I was awake, reading 177 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:54.399 in bed. Her cheeks glowed with the kind of flush 178 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:58.120 that looked like both stress and pleasure, a heady, wild energy. 179 00:10:58.679 --> 00:11:02.279 She bent over me, hair falling forward, smelling faintly of 180 00:11:02.360 --> 00:11:07.120 something floral and foreign. Sorry, I'm crazy late. She kicked 181 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.399 off her shoes, towing them into the closet. Dinner went long. 182 00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:13.360 Then there was this night cap with Lucas, the collector 183 00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:17.159 from Paris. He kept raving about Felipe's work, sort of 184 00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:21.679 charming in that imperious old money way. She shook her head, smiling. 185 00:11:22.200 --> 00:11:25.759 I think he's trying to buy up half the gallery. Lucas. 186 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.639 I'd heard the name in passing Lucas l some mysterious 187 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:33.519 globe trotting buyer whose tastes ran from European minimalists to 188 00:11:33.679 --> 00:11:39.440 absurd oversized installation pieces. She de never introduced us, only 189 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:44.120 referenced him as the eccentric centerpiece of various stories. She 190 00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:47.879 took a small, polished bottle from her tote, a deep burgundy, 191 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:51.159 heavy in the hand, the kind that comes in individual 192 00:11:51.279 --> 00:11:56.159 velvet pouches. He insisted, I take this farewell gift. He's 193 00:11:56.240 --> 00:12:00.399 leaving town tonight for luck, apparently before his nextact. Physician, 194 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:03.519 did you ever meet someone who can't take no for 195 00:12:03.559 --> 00:12:07.480 an answer, she asked, voice a little too loud, grin slipping. 196 00:12:08.080 --> 00:12:11.960 I'll probably regift it to Allison. I watched her fiddle 197 00:12:12.000 --> 00:12:16.000 with the kitchen lights, her gestures quick, almost nervous. Two 198 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:19.360 bottles of expensive wine in as many weeks, both with 199 00:12:19.480 --> 00:12:23.960 legends attached. Sarah had always delighted in little luxuries, but 200 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:28.320 rarely accepted personal gifts. She hated the politics, the debt, 201 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:31.200 it implied, and she'd never before felt the need to 202 00:12:31.399 --> 00:12:35.159 justify where a bottle came from. Maybe I should meet 203 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:38.320 this Lucas, if he's such a fixture, I said lightly. 204 00:12:39.320 --> 00:12:43.279 She blinked, He's impossible to pin down, total enigma. You'd 205 00:12:43.279 --> 00:12:47.039 hate him. Her laugh didn't land right. He the same 206 00:12:47.080 --> 00:12:49.679 one who tried to negotiate with you? Or was that 207 00:12:49.799 --> 00:12:53.600 the Swedish guy? She pulled her hair into a loose bun, 208 00:12:53.840 --> 00:12:58.159 avoiding my eyes. The Swedes are whole other project. Anyway, 209 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:01.679 I'm beat. She disappear into the bathroom before I could 210 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:05.399 say more. I sat in the kitchen, staring at the 211 00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:08.840 untouched bottle, wondering why I suddenly felt orphaned in my 212 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:14.320 own marriage. If I accused her, I'd be the jealous husband, needy, insecure. 213 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:17.360 But if I said nothing, didn't that mean I was 214 00:13:17.399 --> 00:13:20.919 losing her to a fantasy invented out of my own silence. 215 00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:25.080 When Sarah came out, she found me still there. Her 216 00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:28.120 robe was wrapped tighter than last week, her lips set 217 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:33.440 in a line. You okay, she asked, voice soft, long night, 218 00:13:33.720 --> 00:13:38.399 just decompressing. I tried to smile. She stepped close, touching 219 00:13:38.440 --> 00:13:40.840 my arm, but she seemed to hover at a distance 220 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:44.879 me too. Later, in bed, she rolled away before I 221 00:13:44.919 --> 00:13:48.519 could draw her in. Maybe she just had too much wine, 222 00:13:48.720 --> 00:13:52.039 too much small talk. Maybe we were both just tired. 223 00:13:53.120 --> 00:13:56.360 Still in the dark. Her phone vibrated on a night stand. 224 00:13:56.840 --> 00:13:59.519 She didn't reach for it, turned the screen away from 225 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:04.039 us both. I told myself to let it go. I 226 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:08.080 started paying attention, not just out of suspicion, but because 227 00:14:08.120 --> 00:14:12.480 the gaps in her stories became impossible to ignore. On 228 00:14:12.600 --> 00:14:17.320 weeks with big gallery openings, Sarah's moods grew volatile, sometimes 229 00:14:17.360 --> 00:14:20.879 electric with energy, sometimes so wrung out she barely moved 230 00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:24.879 from the sofa all weekend. Her updates got vaguer. She 231 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:27.840 disappear into the bath with her phone, or slip out 232 00:14:27.879 --> 00:14:31.080 for one quick drink after the last client had left. 233 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:34.799 Monday night, I found a crisp white paper folded in 234 00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:37.759 the pocket of her gray wool coat, tossed carelessly over 235 00:14:37.799 --> 00:14:41.919 the kitchen stool, a restaurant receipt, bottle of Barolo, two 236 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:45.639 tasting plates, a mineral water. The total it made me WinCE. 237 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:49.519 The address Quirkus, the wine bar with vintage chandeliers and 238 00:14:49.559 --> 00:14:53.320 a two month wait list. The time stamp Sunday eight 239 00:14:53.559 --> 00:14:58.519 forty two p m. The gallery closes at five on Sundays. 240 00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:01.799 I waited until we were alone in the kitchen, she 241 00:15:01.919 --> 00:15:06.200 flipping through her phone, half watching a recipe video run 242 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:10.679 into anyone interesting at Quirkers this week? She froze, then 243 00:15:10.720 --> 00:15:14.000 looked up. Oh, that had a little planning meeting with 244 00:15:14.039 --> 00:15:17.519 a potential artist last minute. They wanted to catch up 245 00:15:17.559 --> 00:15:20.840 before the new show ships in. She shrugged, too casual. 246 00:15:21.320 --> 00:15:24.600 We just got snacks and split a bottle Galleries paying. 247 00:15:25.720 --> 00:15:29.159 She didn't mention who they was. I didn't pry, not 248 00:15:29.240 --> 00:15:32.440 wanting to look like I was inventrying her expenses, but 249 00:15:32.519 --> 00:15:36.120 a shifty note, small and persistent worked its way into 250 00:15:36.120 --> 00:15:41.960 her answers. That weekend, we hit brunch with our usual group, Allison, Jason, 251 00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:45.080 and a few friends from Sarah's side. I hovered near 252 00:15:45.120 --> 00:15:48.120 Sarah as she retold a story about a chaotic opening 253 00:15:48.399 --> 00:15:51.399 the painter's dog Peede on the installation. I was two 254 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:55.320 seconds from losing it, and Allison interjected, but what about 255 00:15:55.360 --> 00:15:59.080 your brilliant new collector, the one everyone's talking about. Will 256 00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:01.200 he make his debut your next show or is he 257 00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:06.240 a myth? Sarah laughed loud and fast. He's definitely real 258 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:09.799 and busy jet setting. I can never keep track. Let's 259 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:13.399 not jinx it, though. She caught my eye, then smoothly 260 00:16:13.519 --> 00:16:16.759 changed the subject, nudging Jason to tell every one about 261 00:16:16.759 --> 00:16:19.480 the time his client almost set his hair on fire 262 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:23.639 with a birthday sparkler. Later, as we walked home, I 263 00:16:23.799 --> 00:16:30.080 mentioned Allison's comment, your collectores become a legend. Sarah smirked, 264 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:34.480 less amused. People get obsessed with personalities. I hate that 265 00:16:34.639 --> 00:16:38.440 side of things. It's not really a story. If he's 266 00:16:38.440 --> 00:16:41.320 so influential, wouldn't it be good for me to meet him, 267 00:16:41.639 --> 00:16:45.679 I offered, trying to sound light. Her frown was quick 268 00:16:45.720 --> 00:16:48.799 and gone. He likes to deal with gallery people, not 269 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:53.519 significant others. Trust me, you're not missing much. She tucked 270 00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:56.960 her cold fingers into my palms, squeezed tight, as if 271 00:16:57.000 --> 00:17:00.679 closing the subject. There was a new space between us, 272 00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:06.119 not a wall, more like mist, visible but hard to grasp. Wednesday, 273 00:17:06.279 --> 00:17:08.640 just past midnight, I woke to the buzz of her 274 00:17:08.680 --> 00:17:12.559 phone on the night stand. I turned, pretending to be asleep, 275 00:17:12.759 --> 00:17:15.839 and watched as she reached for it. Screen angled away 276 00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:19.319 from me, but for a split second I caught a preview. 277 00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:24.200 Can't stop thinking about last night, ell. Sarah plugged the 278 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:28.000 phone in lay back, stiffly, her face unreadable even in 279 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:31.559 the street light glow. In the morning, I brewed us 280 00:17:31.599 --> 00:17:36.200 both coffee and trying to sound accidental, asked, Lucas have 281 00:17:36.279 --> 00:17:40.640 big plans for your next show? She blinked, gathering herself. 282 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:44.559 He texted about an installation idea. His taste is a 283 00:17:44.599 --> 00:17:48.680 bit well, not my thing. Honestly, I saw his name 284 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:53.200 pop up. I said, he's persistent. She busied herself with 285 00:17:53.240 --> 00:17:57.200 the filter. He's always chasing the next scoop. It's all harmless. 286 00:17:57.640 --> 00:18:00.680 She didn't look at me. I wanted to ask what 287 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:04.279 exactly happened last night? Why was Lucas texting like that? 288 00:18:05.000 --> 00:18:08.559 But once again, I bit my tongue, telling myself if 289 00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:11.359 I voice every worry, I'm the one who'll sink us. 290 00:18:12.000 --> 00:18:16.240 Marriage isn't triumphing over every insecurity. It's living with some mystery, 291 00:18:16.319 --> 00:18:19.799 some trust, wasn't it? But as I left for work, 292 00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:24.279 Sarah's phone kept buzzing on silent. Her replies came delayed, 293 00:18:24.599 --> 00:18:31.359 thoughtfully measured. I started watching for patterns for corroborating stories. Thursday, 294 00:18:31.440 --> 00:18:35.160 she messaged, just after nine p m. Gallery was madness 295 00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:38.640 taking an Uba home now. I tracked our joint ride 296 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:42.160 share account the next morning out of blurred curiosity. There 297 00:18:42.160 --> 00:18:45.160 were two unusual stops on the route. Not the gallery, 298 00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:49.240 not our place, A diverted route through South Williamsburg, near 299 00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:52.759 a boutique hotel, then east, a neighborhood we'd never once 300 00:18:52.839 --> 00:18:56.799 visited together, I asked, as we curled up with takeout 301 00:18:57.000 --> 00:19:00.680 and an old episode of Chef's Table, feigning interest. Is 302 00:19:00.759 --> 00:19:04.240 construction on the bridge still awful? My roots are all 303 00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:08.359 screwed up? She nodded, too quickly. Tell me about it. 304 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:11.640 I'd deetward just to make it back before passing out. 305 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:15.880 She sipped her water, avoiding my gaze. It wasn't just 306 00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:19.680 the rides. Our credit card bill showed sporadic charges for 307 00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:24.039 expensive cabs and dinners I couldn't place, all wrapped in brief, 308 00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:29.920 unsatisfying explanations whenever I pressed her. On Friday evening, drifting 309 00:19:29.960 --> 00:19:33.680 home together after an opening, we waved to friends outside Arcadia, 310 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:38.160 the Italian spot with the loudest bar. Sarah squeezed my arm, 311 00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:41.920 leaning in for a sidewalk kiss. To anyone watching, we 312 00:19:41.960 --> 00:19:45.039 looked like two halves of a perfect pair. She made 313 00:19:45.119 --> 00:19:48.359 jokes all through dinner, talking with such animation to our 314 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:51.160 friends that even I believed, for a moment we were 315 00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:56.039 whole until we got home Sarah's laughter faded too fast. 316 00:19:56.480 --> 00:19:59.799 She said she was tired, disappeared into the bath. I 317 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.839 herd muffled phone calls, snippets of laughter trailing between the 318 00:20:03.880 --> 00:20:07.720 sound of running water and the rattle of perfume bottles. 319 00:20:08.240 --> 00:20:11.759 I lay in the bedroom, head filled with suspicion, guilt, 320 00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:14.400 and the sickening thought that if I confronted her and 321 00:20:14.440 --> 00:20:18.119 I was wrong, I'd push her further away. That maybe 322 00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:21.079 the city, or her work, or her ambition was the 323 00:20:21.160 --> 00:20:25.079 thing she really loved now, and I'd just become a witness. 324 00:20:25.559 --> 00:20:27.920 That night, after she'd been asleep for half an hour, 325 00:20:28.240 --> 00:20:32.119 I stared at the ceiling, inventorying my own failures. Maybe 326 00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:35.279 I'd stopped asking how she really felt. Maybe I'd let 327 00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:37.920 my jobs swallow the time we'd promised for each other. 328 00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:41.640 Maybe the gaps in her explanations were just the ordinary 329 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:44.880 secrets of married life, spaces where we each got to 330 00:20:44.880 --> 00:20:48.839 be ourselves apart. There was still a knot in my chest. 331 00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:53.400 I couldn't unwind. The impact started to show in the background. 332 00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:57.759 Friends noticed I wasn't myself. Allison asked if I was sick, 333 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:00.400 if I needed to vent about work. As she put it, 334 00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:03.440 I wanted to tell her everything, ask if she'd seen 335 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:07.480 signs or heard rumors, but stopped myself. If I started 336 00:21:07.519 --> 00:21:10.039 doubting Sarah in front of our friends, would that be 337 00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:13.039 the breach that killed our marriage? Or was that just 338 00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:17.400 another excuse for not facing the truth. Instead, I poured 339 00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:21.680 my anxiety into work, pulling longer nights, double checking invoices 340 00:21:21.720 --> 00:21:24.799 and plans, as if order on a spreadsheet might translate 341 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:28.960 to order in my life. Sarah meanwhile, peppered her days 342 00:21:29.000 --> 00:21:33.000 with sudden, sparkling moods, one night bounding in with excitement 343 00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:36.599 about a surrealist artist, the next so withdrawn that even 344 00:21:36.599 --> 00:21:40.720 my best jokes couldn't coax a smile. She stopped inviting 345 00:21:40.720 --> 00:21:43.200 me to week day openings, said the team needed to 346 00:21:43.200 --> 00:21:47.720 build gallery chemistry without significant others. There next one, you 347 00:21:47.759 --> 00:21:52.640 should definitely come, She'd say, this one's chaos anyway. Then 348 00:21:52.680 --> 00:21:56.400 I'd see photos online her laughing beside a balding man 349 00:21:56.440 --> 00:21:59.640 with European glasses, or perched on a leather couch with 350 00:21:59.680 --> 00:22:03.960 a cue of gallery interns. Every sign could mean something, 351 00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:07.720 every sign could mean nothing. Lucas was just a name, 352 00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:11.759 a bit of gallery legend, bestowed with poetic license. In 353 00:22:11.839 --> 00:22:15.960 her world. Maybe she needed privacy, or autonomy, or just 354 00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:19.640 a story to hold back from me. Still, I scrolled 355 00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:22.720 our bank's statements at night, tracing over charges I knew 356 00:22:22.759 --> 00:22:26.680 but couldn't verify. Every so often, a hotel charge, a 357 00:22:26.759 --> 00:22:29.440 pricey dinner in a part of the city we rarely visited. 358 00:22:29.960 --> 00:22:33.319 Every time I asked, she had an answer. Gallery dinners, 359 00:22:33.519 --> 00:22:39.119 artist meet ups, networking, impromptu planning sessions. So plausible, so slippery. 360 00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:43.359 One Saturday, kitchen full of sunlight, I found an Uber 361 00:22:43.480 --> 00:22:45.839 receipt for a ride from a pell and Meeks, the 362 00:22:46.000 --> 00:22:49.000 rival gallery whose torn bag I remembered from that odd 363 00:22:49.240 --> 00:22:52.359 night across the city to the West End. The time 364 00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:55.279 nearly midnight, on a night she'd said she stayed to 365 00:22:55.400 --> 00:22:59.640 help with inventory. When I asked, she frowned, rummaging through 366 00:22:59.680 --> 00:23:02.799 a jar a tea. That was an off the book's 367 00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:06.319 artist get together. Some people needed rides. I was just 368 00:23:06.440 --> 00:23:10.319 helping out. Her tone had an edge, her patience worn thin. 369 00:23:10.920 --> 00:23:12.960 I know it's a pain, but it's all part of 370 00:23:13.039 --> 00:23:17.400 the job now, I nodded, not wanting another argument, if 371 00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:21.200 I could even call them arguments. Our conversation started to 372 00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:25.400 turn elliptical. Everything a little too brittle, a little too calm. 373 00:23:26.599 --> 00:23:31.160 After all that, one Sunday evening, overwhelmed by suspicion and guilt, 374 00:23:31.559 --> 00:23:34.599 I resolved to just see things for myself. If this 375 00:23:34.880 --> 00:23:37.680 was all innocent, I needed to prove to myself that 376 00:23:37.839 --> 00:23:41.599 my doubts were borne from my own insecurity, not her actions. 377 00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:44.480 It was the night, rumor had it the gallery was 378 00:23:44.559 --> 00:23:48.319 hosting some after hours event, one not on the public calendar. 379 00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:52.319 I walked the chilly blocks from our apartment to the gallery, 380 00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:57.920 energy ratcheting between dread and determination. The windows blazed with light, 381 00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:03.039 shadows of people moving and clustering between installations, music, laughter, 382 00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:09.480 the shuffling of artwork. Nothing illicit or conspiratorial. Inside. Sarah 383 00:24:09.640 --> 00:24:12.519 was in her element, pinning up a minimalist print while 384 00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:16.440 arguing playfully with two colleagues. Her eyes widened when she 385 00:24:16.519 --> 00:24:22.160 saw me, but not with annoyance or guilt, more delighted surprise. Mark, 386 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:26.039 she called tugging me in with paint smudged fingers. Everyone, 387 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:28.960 this is my husband, the best eye for straight lines 388 00:24:29.039 --> 00:24:32.480 in Brooklyn. She introduced me to a handful of staffers, 389 00:24:32.759 --> 00:24:36.720 all busy, all slightly frazzled. There was no air of secrets. 390 00:24:36.799 --> 00:24:40.359 Or seduction. The only suspicious thing was a tray of 391 00:24:40.559 --> 00:24:44.680 cheap merlow destined for disposal. For the hour I spent, 392 00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:51.359 everything was vanilla, colleagues discussing an installation angle, Sarah fielding questions, laughter, 393 00:24:51.519 --> 00:24:55.960 bouncing off concrete floors. If Lucas existed, he wasn't here. 394 00:24:56.559 --> 00:24:58.960 If he was a secret lover, he was keeping more 395 00:24:59.039 --> 00:25:03.160 secrets than seen and necessary. Afterward, as we walked home, 396 00:25:03.599 --> 00:25:06.599 Sarah slid her arm around my waist murmured that it 397 00:25:06.680 --> 00:25:09.319 had meant a lot that I showed up. I feel 398 00:25:09.400 --> 00:25:13.079 like sometimes I live in two worlds, she confessed. I'm 399 00:25:13.160 --> 00:25:15.720 sorry you haven't been part of this one as much lately. 400 00:25:16.880 --> 00:25:21.119 I apologized awkwardly for my own distance, for working too much, 401 00:25:21.559 --> 00:25:25.839