1 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,599 Speaker 1: This is going to be a little bit of a 2 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:15,279 different podcast. I haven't put one up in about six 3 00:00:15,359 --> 00:00:18,359 or eight days, I think, but I've been busy on 4 00:00:18,399 --> 00:00:22,480 the Steve Lily number twenty that I uploaded last Wednesday 5 00:00:22,559 --> 00:00:25,600 or Thursday, I think. And I'm gonna talk about Steve 6 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,559 Lily further on in the podcast, and I'm going to 7 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,519 talk about some other things. So if this is one 8 00:00:31,519 --> 00:00:34,640 of those podcasts that you hate to hear somebody ramble on, 9 00:00:34,759 --> 00:00:37,600 then you can just click away. There are going to 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,399 be stories. I don't know how long the podcast is 11 00:00:40,399 --> 00:00:42,799 going to be, but just hang on. I think this 12 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,479 might be interesting. But the first thing I want to 13 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:49,359 share with you is I picked up a book last week. 14 00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:52,920 I have a list of favorite authors that I love 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:57,399 to read and seek out authors who may or may 16 00:00:57,399 --> 00:01:01,439 not tell stories I'm interested in, but they write really well. 17 00:01:02,039 --> 00:01:08,480 One of those authors is Dennis Johnson. D Nis Johnson. 18 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:13,159 You may know that name or you may recognize something 19 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:16,400 he wrote if you have watched a new film on 20 00:01:16,519 --> 00:01:21,319 Netflix called Train Dreams. Dennis Johnson wrote that book. It's 21 00:01:21,359 --> 00:01:23,920 a short I think if they would call it a novella. 22 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,000 It's not a very long book, but I stumbled across 23 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,280 that book about two or three years ago. I think 24 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,159 someone reviewed it. It looked interesting, so I bought it 25 00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:36,120 and I read it, and I just love the way 26 00:01:36,159 --> 00:01:40,480 this guy writes. He's won all kind of awards, and 27 00:01:40,519 --> 00:01:43,640 he's written six or eight novels. He's a poet. He's 28 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,599 got two or three books of poetry out. So I'll 29 00:01:46,599 --> 00:01:49,359 give these authors a read, and then i'll put it down, 30 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,599 and i'll write their name down, and then i'll go 31 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,480 to another author, and then when I want to come 32 00:01:53,519 --> 00:01:56,239 back to them, I'll pick up another book that they wrote. 33 00:01:56,359 --> 00:02:00,079 So I'm reading a book now by Dennis Johnson call 34 00:02:00,799 --> 00:02:04,359 it's called Tree of Smoke. Now. I'm only five or 35 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,079 six chapters into it, and it's really good. It's a 36 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:12,960 Vietnam era book. The very first chapter I read a 37 00:02:13,159 --> 00:02:17,599 short scene. It's about six or eight paragraphs long, and 38 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:21,319 I've recorded it. I want you to listen to it. 39 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:26,080 I know this isn't monster content. Listen to this little 40 00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:31,800 micro story. Listen to the way he wrote it. Immediately 41 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,639 when it's over, I want you to hit the pause 42 00:02:34,719 --> 00:02:38,280 button if you'd like to, and comment to me and 43 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:43,439 tell me what your immediate emotion is after hearing this 44 00:02:43,639 --> 00:02:47,439 little six or eight paragraph scene at the very beginning 45 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,800 of Tree of Smoke, I'm curious to know what my 46 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:55,800 listeners can hear and pick up in a good piece 47 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,639 of writing. I'm just curious if you had any of 48 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,039 the same emotions I had when I stopped. I mean, 49 00:03:03,159 --> 00:03:06,280 it's only a couple of pages long, and I read this, 50 00:03:06,599 --> 00:03:10,199 and I stopped, and I reflected back on my life 51 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,639 at the time, when I was a kid and have 52 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:16,719 done this, I've done things like this, and how much 53 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:21,039 remorse I had at the time, and how at the 54 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:24,400 age of sixty three, I'll remember something all the way 55 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:27,879 back when I was eight years old. Whenever it crosses 56 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,919 my mind, just this wave of heat and embarrassment and 57 00:03:32,159 --> 00:03:35,879 remorse comes over me for doing what I did. And 58 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:41,280 it is it is. I don't know how to describe 59 00:03:41,319 --> 00:03:44,319 the emotion. But anyway, anyway, I want you to listen 60 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:48,280 to this, pause your video, tap the screen, immediately, make 61 00:03:48,319 --> 00:03:51,400 a comment. Let me know the emotion that this evoked 62 00:03:51,759 --> 00:03:55,240 from listening to this. I'm very interested in that. And 63 00:03:55,439 --> 00:03:57,879 also let me know if you if you got to 64 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960 the end of this and you a preated the way 65 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:05,120 he wrote it, to evoke an emotion from you and 66 00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:08,919 to give you some kind of a microscope into this 67 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:13,879 boy's life and personality and demeanor. Because I think, as 68 00:04:13,919 --> 00:04:16,120 I'm reading this book, it's gonna it's gonna give you 69 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:19,439 some insight into some of the things he goes through 70 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,439 in Vietnam, and you'll know who you're reading about. Okay, 71 00:04:22,439 --> 00:04:26,120 I'll shut up. Here is the h here's the little 72 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:35,839 excerpt from Tree of Smoke. It was late in the 73 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:40,319 morning and Seemen Apprentice William Houston Jr. Began feeling sober 74 00:04:40,399 --> 00:04:44,639 again as he stalked the jungle of Grand Island carrying 75 00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:48,560 a Borrow twenty two rifle. There was supposed to be 76 00:04:48,639 --> 00:04:52,839 some wild boars roaming this island military resort, which was 77 00:04:52,879 --> 00:04:56,040 all he had seen so far in the Philippines. He 78 00:04:56,079 --> 00:04:59,240 didn't know how he felt about this country. He just 79 00:04:59,319 --> 00:05:02,079 wanted to do so hunting in the jungle. There were 80 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,360 supposed to be wild bores around here. He stepped carefully, 81 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,199 thinking about snakes and trying to be quiet because he 82 00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:13,199 wanted to hear any bores before they charged him. He 83 00:05:13,319 --> 00:05:17,759 was aware that he was terrifically on edge. From all 84 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,600 around came the ten thousand sounds of the jungle, as 85 00:05:21,639 --> 00:05:24,759 well as the cries of gulls and the far off surf, 86 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:27,160 And if he stopped in and listened a minute, he 87 00:05:27,199 --> 00:05:30,240 could hear also the pulse snickering of the heat of 88 00:05:30,319 --> 00:05:33,000 his flesh, and the creak of sweat in his ears. 89 00:05:33,879 --> 00:05:37,000 If he stayed motionless only another couple of seconds, the 90 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,680 bugs found him and whined around his head. He propped 91 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,240 the rifle against the stunted banana plant, and removed his 92 00:05:44,319 --> 00:05:46,519 head band and wrung it out, and wiped his face, 93 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:50,120 and stood there a while, waving away mosquitoes with the 94 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:55,759 cloth and itching his crotch absent mindedly. Nearby, a seagull 95 00:05:55,879 --> 00:05:59,439 seemed to be carrying on an argument with itself, a 96 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:04,639 series of protesting squeaks interrupted by contradictory, lower pitched cries 97 00:06:04,879 --> 00:06:10,360 that sounded like huh huh, huh, And something moving from 98 00:06:10,439 --> 00:06:14,920 one tree to another caught Semen Houston's eye. He kept 99 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,120 his vision on the spot where he'd seen it among 100 00:06:17,199 --> 00:06:20,720 the branches of a rubber tree, putting his hand out 101 00:06:20,759 --> 00:06:23,920 for the rifle without altering the direction of his gaze. 102 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,720 It moved again, and now he saw that it was 103 00:06:27,759 --> 00:06:31,399 some sort of monkey, not much bigger than a Chihuahua dog, 104 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,199 not precisely a wild boar, but it presented itself as 105 00:06:35,199 --> 00:06:38,519 something to be looked at, clinging by its left hand 106 00:06:38,519 --> 00:06:41,240 and both feet to the tree's trunk, digging at the 107 00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:46,480 thin rind with an air of tiny, exasperated haste. Semen 108 00:06:46,519 --> 00:06:49,560 Houston took the money's meager back under the rifle sight. 109 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,560 He raised the barrel a few degrees and took the 110 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,240 monkey's head into his sight, and without really thinking about 111 00:06:56,279 --> 00:07:01,160 anything at all, he squeezed the trigger. The monkey flattened 112 00:07:01,199 --> 00:07:05,800 itself out against the tree, spreading its arms and legs enthusiastically, 113 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,759 and then reaching around with both hands as if trying 114 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:12,120 to scratch its back, and it tumbled down to the ground. 115 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,759 Semen Houston was terrified to witness its convulsions. There it 116 00:07:17,839 --> 00:07:21,000 hoisted itself, pushing off the ground with one arm, and 117 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,720 sat back against the tree trunk with its legs spread 118 00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:26,879 out before it, like somebody resting from a difficult job 119 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:31,759 of labor. Semen Houston took himself a few steps nearer, 120 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,519 and from the distance of only a few yards, he 121 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,120 saw the monkey's fur was very shiny and held a 122 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,879 heena tent, and the shadows and a blond tent, and 123 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,120 the light as the leaves moved above it. It looked 124 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,879 from side to side, its breath coming in great rapid gulps, 125 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,759 its belly expanding tremendously with every breath, like a balloon. 126 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:58,160 The shot had been low, exiting from the abdomen. Semen 127 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:02,439 Houston felt his own stomach terar itself in two Jesus Christ. 128 00:08:02,839 --> 00:08:05,279 He shouted at the monkey, as if it might do 129 00:08:05,439 --> 00:08:09,600 something about its embarrassing and hateful condition. He thought his 130 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:13,000 head would explode if the forenoon kept burning into the 131 00:08:13,079 --> 00:08:17,000 jungle all around him, and the gulls kept screaming, and 132 00:08:17,079 --> 00:08:21,160 the monkey kept regarding its surroundings, carefully moving its head 133 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:24,519 and black eyes from side to side, like someone following 134 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,759 the progress of some kind of conversation, some kind of debate, 135 00:08:29,319 --> 00:08:32,759 some kind of struggle that the jungle the morning the moment, 136 00:08:32,919 --> 00:08:37,759 was having with itself. Semen Houston walked over to the monkey, 137 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,120 laid the rifle down beside it, lifted the animal up 138 00:08:41,159 --> 00:08:44,480 with his two hands and holding its buttocks in one 139 00:08:44,799 --> 00:08:49,240 and cradling its head in the other. With fascination and 140 00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:54,279 then revulsion, he realized that the monkey was crying. Its 141 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,000 breath came out in sobs, and tears welled out its eyes. 142 00:08:58,039 --> 00:09:01,720 When it blinked, it looked here and there, appearing no 143 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:04,960 more interested in him than in anything else it might 144 00:09:05,039 --> 00:09:10,000 be seen, Hey, Houston said, But the monkey didn't seem 145 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:13,679 to hear. As he held the animal in his hands, 146 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:17,000 its heart stopped beating. He gave it a shake, but 147 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,799 he knew it was useless. He felt as if everything 148 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,240 was all his fault, and with no one around to 149 00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:27,519 know about it, he let himself cry like a child. 150 00:09:28,519 --> 00:09:33,440 He was eighteen years old. All right, thank you for 151 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,759 your comments. If you haven't comment it, hit the pause 152 00:09:36,799 --> 00:09:41,159 button on the video or the podcast. And I don't 153 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,000 know how to comment on these podcast apps, but I'm 154 00:09:44,039 --> 00:09:47,200 assuming you can. The whole point of this exercise is 155 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,200 not for me to get comments. Comments do help the channel, 156 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,480 but that's not what I'm doing. I'm trying to demonstrate 157 00:09:53,519 --> 00:09:58,320 for you how good writing can actually move a reader 158 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:02,080 to almost tears. If you want to listen to that 159 00:10:02,159 --> 00:10:03,879 whole book on or if you want to read it, 160 00:10:04,639 --> 00:10:09,159 just search for Dennis Johnson on Amazon and you can 161 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,519 buy the book or any of his books. I've only 162 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:15,720 read one book, Train Dreams, but if you want to search, 163 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,679 he's got six or eight novels out and I'm sure 164 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,919 they're all written extremely well. May not be the subject 165 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,399 matter you're interested in, but if you're like me, if 166 00:10:25,399 --> 00:10:29,559 you just appreciate exceptional writing, Dennis Johnson is one of 167 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:32,679 those guys. Now, and let me say this, if you 168 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,600 want to listen to it on audible, Will Patten is 169 00:10:35,639 --> 00:10:39,519 the narrator. He is the king of all narrators. He 170 00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:42,679 did so much better with that little scene than I did. 171 00:10:43,279 --> 00:10:45,639 If you listen to it, you'll hear it. You'll hear it. 172 00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,200 You'll feel even more emotional when you hear Will Patten 173 00:10:49,919 --> 00:10:52,759 when you hear Will Patten read it. But I just 174 00:10:52,799 --> 00:10:54,960 wanted to share it with my audience, so I read it. 175 00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:58,279 I couldn't grab Will Patten's audio and let you hear 176 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:02,159 it because it would have been a copyright. So anyway, 177 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,559 all that said, speaking of writing, let's talk about Steve Lily. 178 00:11:06,919 --> 00:11:09,000 I don't have any notes here, and I don't know 179 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,440 exactly how to say what I'm about to say. And 180 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,080 it's not bad news. I'm going to keep writing Steve Lily, 181 00:11:15,519 --> 00:11:18,320 but this for the last I think I've been writing 182 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:22,320 those for three four years now. And the first one, 183 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,000 just so you know, the first one that I put out, 184 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,440 I actually put it out on this podcast. I had 185 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:32,879 some free time and I just spent about three hours 186 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,600 and I just wrote this real quick story. And I'll 187 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,879 tell you why I wrote it is because all of 188 00:11:37,919 --> 00:11:41,679 these Bigfoot stories they kind of run together, and they're 189 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:45,240 all basically the same. If you watch a Bigfoot movie, 190 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,120 the Bigfoot is always the terror in the woods, and 191 00:11:50,279 --> 00:11:53,840 Bigfoot is the focus of all those films and all 192 00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:57,480 of these stories. And I wanted to at that moment 193 00:11:57,519 --> 00:12:00,440 when I wrote Steve Lily Number one, which would later 194 00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:04,200 become I didn't plan it on being a series. I 195 00:12:04,279 --> 00:12:06,279 just thought, you know, i've got an afternoon free, I'm 196 00:12:06,279 --> 00:12:08,480 going to write something different. I'm going to turn the 197 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:12,320 tables and make the Bigfoot story about the people who, 198 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:15,399 in this case are hunting Bigfoot. And I kind of 199 00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:18,919 ran through several scenarios of how this guy could get 200 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:23,240 roped into hunting Bigfoot by the government and just be 201 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,320 a personable guy that you could begin to know and like, 202 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:29,919 and then put some of his friends with him and 203 00:12:30,039 --> 00:12:33,360 you begin to like them. I'm an old fashioned story 204 00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:36,399 kind of person. I like the good guy versus the 205 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,440 bad guy, and there's a conflict and there's a resolution, 206 00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,919 and there's an ending and the good guy comes out 207 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,879 on top. I may not write all the Steve Lilly 208 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:50,720 stories that way, but and then I got to thinking, well, 209 00:12:50,799 --> 00:12:53,720 let me back up. So the first one so many 210 00:12:53,799 --> 00:12:56,080 people liked it, I thought, well, okay, I'll write another one. 211 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,480 So I just kind of dreamed up another story, and 212 00:12:58,519 --> 00:13:00,720 I put out number two. And I don't even remember 213 00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:05,000 what I wrote in like two through I kind of 214 00:13:05,039 --> 00:13:09,960 remember a three part series, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. I don't know. 215 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:12,799 I've got one that's two parts and one that's three parts, 216 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,120 and then I've got nineteen, and then I've got twenty. 217 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,639 But what is going on with the Steve Lilly thing? People? 218 00:13:20,039 --> 00:13:24,320 I've had complaints about Steve Lilly. I've had these mostly 219 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:28,320 ninety nine percent people seem to really enjoy Steve Lily, 220 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:32,200 and thank you so much for the encouraging comments. This 221 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,440 is the best audience on the planet. But there is 222 00:13:35,519 --> 00:13:39,240 a certain group of people that expect every story to 223 00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:43,240 be like Steve Lily, maybe like one through ten but 224 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,120 you have to understand I didn't know how to write. 225 00:13:46,279 --> 00:13:49,799 I had never written much of anything. I've always wanted 226 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,159 to write, but I've never had time to. You know, 227 00:13:52,279 --> 00:13:54,600 to write, you have to sit down and think, and 228 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,080 you have to write and then go back and edit 229 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,960 it and clean it up and make it more legible. 230 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,399 And it's kind of a process that I didn't expect 231 00:14:04,399 --> 00:14:06,039 that I would have to go through, but that is 232 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,519 the process. And you want to write something different, something, 233 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:14,440 you know, a story people can relate to. And anyway, 234 00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:17,720 every guy in the Steve Lily, every person in the 235 00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:21,559 Steve Lilly series is someone I know, even Steve Leary 236 00:14:21,919 --> 00:14:25,120 Steve Lily, He's sort of a composite of several iron 237 00:14:25,159 --> 00:14:28,080 workers I've known through the years in my business. But 238 00:14:29,559 --> 00:14:31,960 here's what I'm trying to get across to you. I'm 239 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,960 teaching myself how to write. And around episode nine or ten, 240 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,759 I decided, you know what I need to I owe 241 00:14:39,799 --> 00:14:44,720 this audience a better story, a better written story. And 242 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:47,320 I want to even though it's a silly, kind of 243 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,720 slapstick jamble of stories that really go nowhere, they're just 244 00:14:51,879 --> 00:14:55,600 episodes of They're just little ideas I come up with 245 00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:58,159 all these stories are kind of built off of some 246 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,039 little funny EPs I have in my mind. So for 247 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,759 instance nineteen where they go to help out Charlie with 248 00:15:06,879 --> 00:15:09,919 the bigfoot that he dug up or the Bigfoot clan 249 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:13,039 that comes after him because he dug up a bigfoot skeleton. 250 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,559 That started out with a vision for some reason, it 251 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,080 just popped in my head a bigfoot sitting on a 252 00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:23,840 tractor driving a tractor. I have no idea why that 253 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,759 popped in my head. Well, it wound up being a skeleton, 254 00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:30,679 but it was some method that they used to draw 255 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,639 these bigfoots out and kill them, like that whole open 256 00:15:35,679 --> 00:15:38,120 Door story. And I'll admit I went too far in 257 00:15:38,159 --> 00:15:42,279 that story. That story was dealt with portals and hundreds 258 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:45,840 of bigfoots pouring out of the portals, and it was 259 00:15:45,919 --> 00:15:48,879 kind of silly, and I don't really go into the 260 00:15:48,919 --> 00:15:52,919 woo stuff. I guess I just felt like righting that 261 00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:56,519 kind of story at that time. And then twenty was 262 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,000 about I had a vision of a baby big Foot 263 00:16:00,279 --> 00:16:03,519 and a woman bringing it back to camping and attacking everybody, 264 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,360 So that whole story was built around that. So you 265 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,320 got to have a bad guy good guy gotta have 266 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:13,559 annoying characters. I like putting in annoying characters. Now, I 267 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,159 told you all I was going to ramble on in 268 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,159 this podcast, so hang with me. If you're still with me, 269 00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:20,519 I just want you to know that I'm trying to 270 00:16:20,559 --> 00:16:24,720 teach myself how to write, and I feel like that 271 00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:29,679 you cannot become a good writer unless you're a prolific reader, 272 00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:32,960 which I am. I read as much as I can 273 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:38,600 possibly read fiction nonfiction. I just finished a book, well 274 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:42,440 it's on my nightstand, but it's a nonfiction book by 275 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:47,840 Buddy Levy about a polar expedition into the toward the 276 00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:51,480 North Pole, and it's a harrowing thing. I love good history. 277 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:55,159 But you can read good history and good contemporary narrative 278 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,840 history and you can get great ideas of how to write, 279 00:16:58,759 --> 00:17:01,919 and you if those things teach you how to write, 280 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:06,359 and you also get ideas for stories. Now I'm reading 281 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:11,440 some other stuff by some non best selling authors, some 282 00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:14,480 guys I actually met this weekend. Two of those guys 283 00:17:14,519 --> 00:17:17,519 handed me their books, and I'm gonna I'm going to 284 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:21,640 try to do their audio books on the podcast, maybe 285 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:25,440 sooner than later, because they're they're kind of they're they're 286 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:28,599 real interesting to me. So anyway, all that to say, 287 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,759 if you're disappointed in Steve Lily or if you're happy 288 00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:34,519 with Steve Lily, I want you to know that I'm 289 00:17:34,559 --> 00:17:38,480 teaching myself to write how to write, and you're kind of, 290 00:17:39,079 --> 00:17:41,480 whether you know it or not, you're kind of following 291 00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:45,240 along the evolution of a man in his sixties who 292 00:17:45,279 --> 00:17:49,640 has found a passion late in life. And I'm teaching 293 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:53,359 myself to write. And I am trying to teach myself 294 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:58,559 that by reading great authors like Dennis Johnson. I've read 295 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:02,720 several passages from several books. I've even read short stories 296 00:18:02,759 --> 00:18:08,160 by really good authors, Tom Franklin, Michael Ferris Smith, Larry Brown, 297 00:18:08,759 --> 00:18:11,599 and there are Jeff Crawford is a good author I've read. 298 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,400 I just put up a whole audio book on my 299 00:18:14,519 --> 00:18:18,519 podcast network that he wrote. And I feel like the 300 00:18:18,519 --> 00:18:21,480 more I read, the more I learned to write. And 301 00:18:21,519 --> 00:18:25,920 you're getting not getting don't feel like you're I don't 302 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,920 think you're privileged to do this, but you're kind of 303 00:18:29,039 --> 00:18:32,599 coming along with me on that road. And So I 304 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:36,720 had started a Steve Lilly novel two years ago, and 305 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:40,640 every time I read another book I think about what 306 00:18:40,759 --> 00:18:43,119 I've written, and I go back and change it because 307 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:46,160 I think, damn, I can do that better, and so 308 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,359 I'll try to do it better. And so I hope 309 00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:51,599 to get a Steve Lilly novel out, maybe by the 310 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:53,680 end of the summer. I don't know, and I'm going 311 00:18:53,759 --> 00:18:56,960 to record the audiobook and put it out. Maybe we 312 00:18:57,039 --> 00:18:59,240 can do a series. I have other stories in my 313 00:18:59,279 --> 00:19:01,519 head I want to write that have nothing to do 314 00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:06,000 with Bigfoot or they're just normal stories. So I wanted 315 00:19:06,039 --> 00:19:10,039 to read that to you to tell you that good 316 00:19:10,079 --> 00:19:14,119 writing will provoke these emotions from you. And that is 317 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,920 what I tried to do in Steve Lily twenty, specifically 318 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,319 that sorry couple on the side of the road, leaving 319 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,319 those dogs behind them. The goal was to get you 320 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:28,519 to hate them, and based on the comments I've got 321 00:19:28,559 --> 00:19:32,119 on Steve Lily twenty, accomplished my mission. I've got so 322 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,880 many emails. There's a lot of people pissed off about that. 323 00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:37,279 Matter of fact, I got about a half a dozen 324 00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:41,240 comments and emails from people saying they're unsubscribing because I 325 00:19:41,279 --> 00:19:44,720 wrote that scene in that story. It's fiction, it's not real, 326 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,160 but you know, those things do happen. I mean, there 327 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,720 are plenty of people who just leave dogs on the 328 00:19:50,759 --> 00:19:53,839 side of the highway, and that is a part of reality. 329 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,599 But if it made you hate that couple that was 330 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,240 in the car, then I accomplished my mission. So I 331 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:04,200 consider that one of the best things I've written. Even 332 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,920 though it may have made you mad, it evoked this 333 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,480 emotion from you that was I want to use the 334 00:20:10,519 --> 00:20:13,200 word visceral, but I don't really know what the word 335 00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:17,759 visceral means, but it seems appropriate, like this visceral, obvious 336 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:22,240 type emotion from people. And so I learned a little 337 00:20:22,279 --> 00:20:25,200 bit about how to develop characters and make you like them, 338 00:20:25,279 --> 00:20:27,839 make you hate them, all those kind of things, and 339 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,920 I was just trying to do that in this story. Anyway. 340 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,400 That's kind of what's going on with Steve Lilly. Now 341 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:36,319 I want to read you a story I got from 342 00:20:36,599 --> 00:20:39,160 This is actually an email I got. It's a story 343 00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:44,279 a published author has written specifically for this podcast. I'm 344 00:20:44,279 --> 00:20:47,359 sure he's published in other places, but it is his 345 00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:51,079 struggle with depression. This guy went down a road that 346 00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:57,759 was terrible, terrible, terrible, and he's just listening to the story. 347 00:20:57,759 --> 00:21:01,920 But it's a happy ending. We won't drop off on 348 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,880 this podcast with a gloomy kind of mood. But I 349 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,920 think you're really gonna like this and you're gonna appreciate it, 350 00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:12,279 and it ought to provoke an emotion from you that is, 351 00:21:12,359 --> 00:21:15,599 I'll use the word again, visceral. You will. You'll actually 352 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:19,200 be moved by the story. So again, this is a 353 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,519 different podcast. It's just something I've been wanting to do 354 00:21:21,599 --> 00:21:24,720 for a while. Talk about writing, talk about Steve Lilly, 355 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,759 talk about good writing, talk about emotional writing and how 356 00:21:28,759 --> 00:21:32,000 it can move you. And here is one of those 357 00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:34,400 stories that will do that. And then I'll sign off 358 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,160 at the end. But listen into the story, and when 359 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,519 you get to the end of it, even if you've 360 00:21:40,519 --> 00:21:44,440 commented before, push the pause button and let me know 361 00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:47,880 how this story makes you feel. It's going to take 362 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,920 you deep into the recesses of the human mind that 363 00:21:52,119 --> 00:21:55,039 makes some of us want to do things that we 364 00:21:55,319 --> 00:21:58,599 probably that are dangerous for us. So listen to it, 365 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,119 leave a comment and I'll talk to you at the end. Thanks. 366 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:08,599 This email is from Greg ball And Greg Ballin is 367 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:13,119 a published author. A published author, it's several books out 368 00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:17,279 on Amazon. Greg Ballin, GR E, G. B. A L. 369 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,839 L A N. You can look him up. I've done 370 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:23,759 a couple of his creature stories on this podcast, one 371 00:22:23,799 --> 00:22:26,400 being that I remember is called The War of the Species, 372 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:30,559 really good story he wrote. This is a personal story 373 00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:32,880 that he sent to me. I called Greg, I said, 374 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,839 can I attach your name to this email? He said yes, 375 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:39,480 so let's read the email. Thank you so much for 376 00:22:39,559 --> 00:22:43,599 reading the many of my stories. I'm extremely humbled and grateful. 377 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:47,200 This is a tale about a real experience I had 378 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,839 in September of nineteen ninety eight. I was experiencing an 379 00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:55,759 incredibly bad depression. I had never been at such a 380 00:22:55,799 --> 00:22:59,240 low point in my life. I've been through hard times before, 381 00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:01,440 but nothing like what I was in during that late 382 00:23:01,519 --> 00:23:05,119 summer and fall. I can no longer take the pain, 383 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,880 and I decided to end my life. I called in 384 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:11,279 sick to work on a cloudy Wednesday and went to 385 00:23:11,319 --> 00:23:15,920 the gun range intent on suicide. The attached is the 386 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,720 true tale of my experience and how a strange old 387 00:23:19,839 --> 00:23:25,359 man saved me from making a horrible, horrible choice. Five 388 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,240 years later, my best friend and hunting buddy took his 389 00:23:28,319 --> 00:23:32,519 own life. Often wonder why I was fortunate enough to 390 00:23:32,680 --> 00:23:36,680 escape my fate, and he wasn't. I witnessed the pain 391 00:23:36,799 --> 00:23:39,559 his death caused his sons and daughter, at the horrible 392 00:23:39,599 --> 00:23:43,359 months of tears and the questions that followed his passing. 393 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,920 I can only imagine what my young wife and small 394 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,640 children would have gone through. My death would have ended 395 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:55,559 my pain, but permanently scarred my children. My friend's children 396 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,160 have been scarred for life. And even today, twenty one 397 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:01,200 years later, I still miss my friend and long for 398 00:24:01,279 --> 00:24:03,920 the times we had spent together in the woods and 399 00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,200 at his dinner table, talking and laughing. I hope you 400 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:11,839 find merit in this true story. It is not as 401 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,079 creepy as the haunted forest, or the scary or as 402 00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:18,960 scary as the war of the species or the binding Watch. 403 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,119 But I have never forgotten that afternoon when I almost 404 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:26,240 made the worst possible decision the human can make. Thank 405 00:24:26,279 --> 00:24:29,640 you for getting me through my damn. I hadn't even 406 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,240 gotten the story in his Every time I read this note, 407 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,359 he said to me, it chokes me up. Thank you 408 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,240 for getting me through my long workdays. I feel like 409 00:24:38,319 --> 00:24:41,720 we're old friends, and I have several colleagues following your podcast. 410 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:46,400 Very respectfully, Greg Balin, Well Greg, thank you now Here's 411 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:51,319 Greg's story. It's called a talk with an angel. I 412 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:55,839 had nowhere else to turn. No other solution seemed viable. 413 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:59,680 Why oh why want this pain and misery leave me? 414 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:03,160 I can't find the strength to get up in the morning, 415 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,640 and I find myself dragging through each day the misery 416 00:25:06,759 --> 00:25:10,079 of mere existence more than my tortured soul can bear. 417 00:25:11,319 --> 00:25:15,839 Work is hopeless. I'm falling further and further behind. Home 418 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:21,039 is nothing but strife and turmoil. I'm constantly being yelled at. 419 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,160 What's wrong with you? Why can't you just stop this? 420 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:30,119 You have responsibilities in a family to support. Everybody is 421 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,200 relying on me, depending on me, and counting on me 422 00:25:33,319 --> 00:25:37,400 for some chore, some favor, some task that needs my attention. 423 00:25:38,519 --> 00:25:43,759 Nobody asks how I'm feeling, how I'm doing? Am I okay? 424 00:25:44,279 --> 00:25:47,599 I'm supposed to be strong and a warrior. I'm not 425 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,079 allowed to be weak. I have too many people counting 426 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:52,359 on me, and now I'm only allowed to be strong 427 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:56,279 and carry others. This is my sole purpose to give 428 00:25:56,359 --> 00:26:00,640 and never receive. The well is run dry. The giving 429 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:04,440 tree has no more branches. No one can understand how 430 00:26:04,599 --> 00:26:07,839 or why this happened to me. Hell I can't figure 431 00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,440 out how this happened. I've fallen so far, so fast, 432 00:26:11,519 --> 00:26:15,079 and I never saw it coming. This was the only answer. 433 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,079 It will end my pain and I can finally rest. 434 00:26:19,759 --> 00:26:22,359 I drove my truck to the rifle range. It's the 435 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,359 middle of a weekday, so I'm completely alone. I took 436 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:29,359 out my nine millimeter auto and loaded a hallow point 437 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:33,160 into the gun. I cycled around and removed the safety. 438 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,160 I can feel the tears flowing from my eyes as 439 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,880 I stared down the barrel of the pistol. The muted 440 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,279 black grip feels perversely comforting in my hand, and the 441 00:26:43,319 --> 00:26:46,680 weapon is waiting to bark, its doom filled answer to 442 00:26:46,759 --> 00:26:51,799 my problems. My mood like the sky is bleak, cold 443 00:26:51,839 --> 00:26:56,839 and gray, a perfect day to expire. Is this really 444 00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:00,960 my only option? Something inside me screamed as my finger 445 00:27:01,039 --> 00:27:05,279 starts to squeeze the trigger. Yes, A voice whispered back, 446 00:27:05,839 --> 00:27:09,079 it's my own. I hear the words, but am I 447 00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:13,559 actually saying it? A sense of peace washes over me. Finally, 448 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:17,119 I've made a decision to do it. I can feel 449 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,960 the release point on the trigger. Another millimeter and I'll 450 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,640 be free of all the pain and all the misery. 451 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,680 There'll be no more yelling, no more stress, no more pain. 452 00:27:28,519 --> 00:27:33,559 Oh God, finally, no more pain. I hesitated for a second, 453 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,279 hovering over the brink of my life. An instant eradication. 454 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:41,079 The sound of footsteps make me ease off the trigger. 455 00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:44,799 I lower the gun just as the stranger arrives with 456 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,960 his gun case in supply pack. You shooting today? Do 457 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,799 you mind some company, an old man asked in a 458 00:27:51,839 --> 00:27:55,200 soft voice. Well, I don't own this place, and just 459 00:27:55,279 --> 00:28:00,519 remember like you, I replied in an unfriendly tone. Snarky 460 00:28:00,559 --> 00:28:03,680 reply I didn't seem to bother him. He unpacked his 461 00:28:03,759 --> 00:28:07,200 rifle and opened his shooting bag. I'd never seen such 462 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:12,240 an elegant rifle before. The engraving was inlaid into the stock. 463 00:28:12,319 --> 00:28:17,559 Beautifully breathtaking images were intricately carved and further embellished upon 464 00:28:17,599 --> 00:28:21,440 the silvery gun medal. The stranger caught me staring at 465 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:24,440 his rifle and without warning, tossed the weapon at me. 466 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,359 I reached out on instinct and grabbed a stock and 467 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:31,240 twisted the muzzle toward the ground in one fluid motion. 468 00:28:32,279 --> 00:28:35,119 Not bad for a Yankee, he said, walking toward me. 469 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,519 I knew you wouldn't drop it. Are you a member here, 470 00:28:40,039 --> 00:28:43,480 I challenged, handing him back his rifle after admiring the 471 00:28:43,519 --> 00:28:48,720 weapon's beauty, Oh, I just joined, the stranger replied. I 472 00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,720 hadn't been to a meeting since the onset of my depression, 473 00:28:51,799 --> 00:28:54,480 so I had no reason to doubt his word. I 474 00:28:54,519 --> 00:28:56,799 turned my back, staring at my pistol lying on the 475 00:28:56,799 --> 00:29:01,119 shooting bench. Couldn't do this with an audience. I'd head 476 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,799 into the woods and find a peaceful spot and make 477 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,559 it my final resting place. Have a good time. It's 478 00:29:07,599 --> 00:29:10,920 all yours, I said. I grabbed my stuff, ready to 479 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:15,400 face oblivion alone in the woods. I turned to go, 480 00:29:15,799 --> 00:29:19,640 and the old man sighed in frustration. I looked over 481 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,640 at him, and he asked me if I knew anything 482 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:26,519 about rifles. I nodded a great deal. Actually, I don't 483 00:29:26,519 --> 00:29:29,920 know why I felt compelled to answer him. The bolt 484 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,799 isn't sliding properly. I think something's wrong, but I don't 485 00:29:33,839 --> 00:29:38,119 have any tools, he commented, struggling with the rifle bolt action. 486 00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:40,960 We'll put it on the bench. I'll take a look 487 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,319 at it. I sighed. I had come here intent on 488 00:29:44,519 --> 00:29:47,279 ending my life, and I wound up performing a service call. 489 00:29:48,799 --> 00:29:51,519 I started wrestling with the bolt on his rifle, and 490 00:29:51,599 --> 00:29:55,000 he just began to talk. He spoke of his travels 491 00:29:55,039 --> 00:29:57,720 and his love of hunting and shooting, and his appreciation 492 00:29:57,880 --> 00:30:02,079 of nature. I found him. I'm annoyingly happy for the 493 00:30:02,119 --> 00:30:05,200 first five minutes while he babbled on like we were 494 00:30:05,279 --> 00:30:10,240 old friends. He began asking questions about me. Where did 495 00:30:10,279 --> 00:30:12,960 I live, how did I find the love of the outdoors, 496 00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:16,839 and other things that only two hunters can appreciate. I 497 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:20,920 don't remember exactly when I realized it, but suddenly, for 498 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:23,000 the first time in three months, I felt like I 499 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:27,640 had someone I could actually relate with. I began answering 500 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,440 his questions while asking a few of my own. Between 501 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:34,359 wrestling with a stubborn rifle action. We talked a great 502 00:30:34,359 --> 00:30:37,839 deal more about our lives and our problems, mine in particular. 503 00:30:39,240 --> 00:30:41,960 I never confessed to this stranger why I had come 504 00:30:42,000 --> 00:30:44,960 here today as I finished freeing and cleaning the jam 505 00:30:45,079 --> 00:30:49,039 bolt action. But since the old man knew all too well. 506 00:30:49,079 --> 00:30:52,880 When he interrupted, he read the guilt in my eyes. 507 00:30:53,839 --> 00:30:55,960 He knew if I walked away it would be to 508 00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:59,880 finish what he interrupted. Where do you store this right 509 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,240 in alent factory. I lightly teased him, and he laughed, 510 00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:07,079 a joyous sound that made me chuckle along with him. 511 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:10,559 The lent mixed with the gun ole and powder residue 512 00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:14,039 coated this thing like tarl like coating. You're lucky this 513 00:31:14,079 --> 00:31:17,000 thing cycled at all, I explained, as I threw away 514 00:31:17,039 --> 00:31:21,039 two filthy cleaning rags. She smoothed in silk across the 515 00:31:21,039 --> 00:31:26,279 babies behind now, I added, handing him his rifle. The 516 00:31:26,319 --> 00:31:29,359 old man worked the action a few times and smiled warmly. 517 00:31:29,759 --> 00:31:32,880 He haded my pistol lying on the shooting bench. I 518 00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:36,359 followed his gaze and looked upon my weapon. He seemed 519 00:31:36,400 --> 00:31:38,880 to be waiting for me to say something, offer up 520 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:42,440 a reason for what we both knew he'd seen. I 521 00:31:42,519 --> 00:31:45,680 chose to keep silent. You any good with that? He 522 00:31:45,799 --> 00:31:49,200 pointed toward the pistol. Uh good enough, but I could 523 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,119 always be better, I answered, in a much warmer tone 524 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:56,920 than I originally greeted him. So let's shoot, Yankee impressed me. 525 00:31:57,319 --> 00:32:02,039 He gestured toward the range targets. We spent an hour 526 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:06,160 going through several hundred rounds of ammunition, chatting like we 527 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,480 were old friends as we paused to reload and examine 528 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:13,359 our targets. As I was firing round after round, my 529 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,319 mind began to visualize what would have happened when my 530 00:32:16,400 --> 00:32:19,960 children learned Daddy splattered his brains all over this gun club. 531 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,839 They were too young to understand my pain and my problems. 532 00:32:24,319 --> 00:32:26,960 It just knew Daddy wasn't feeling well, but he'd be 533 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,880 better soon. Now. I had visions of them at my funerals, 534 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:34,640 staring at my headstone, not really comprehending the fact that 535 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,200 I was never coming home. I envisioned the bank for 536 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:42,440 closing on the house, and other terrible visions. I put 537 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,680 the gun down and tried to fight back the tears. 538 00:32:45,839 --> 00:32:49,319 What did I almost do? I mumbled, staring at the 539 00:32:49,359 --> 00:32:53,559 target I had totally destroyed. I looked over and the 540 00:32:53,599 --> 00:32:56,720 old man was staring at me concerned. Are you okay? 541 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,680 He asked me. Yeah, I think so, I replied, as 542 00:33:00,759 --> 00:33:05,200 that morbid cemetery vision stayed with me. You sure, greg, 543 00:33:05,599 --> 00:33:09,400 he asked me again. Yeah, I'm gonna be fine, I answered, 544 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:13,480 as a sense of relief washed over me. He packed 545 00:33:13,559 --> 00:33:16,559 up his rifle and gathered his equipment and prepared to leave. 546 00:33:17,319 --> 00:33:20,319 I watched him in silence, still thinking about what would 547 00:33:20,359 --> 00:33:23,759 have happened had this man not come here. He walked 548 00:33:23,759 --> 00:33:27,240 over and extended his hand. Thanks for fixing me up, 549 00:33:27,559 --> 00:33:31,039 he raised his rifle case. I don't mention it. Clean 550 00:33:31,079 --> 00:33:33,519 that beauty as soon as you get home. And thanks 551 00:33:33,559 --> 00:33:36,839 for the company, I noted, and gave him a half salute. 552 00:33:37,519 --> 00:33:41,079 You're welcome, he answered with a deep smile. Funny thing 553 00:33:41,119 --> 00:33:44,839 about problems, Greg, they oftentimes seem bigger because you're in 554 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:47,839 the middle of them. Take a step outside of them 555 00:33:47,839 --> 00:33:50,279 for a while, and don't be afraid to talk to somebody. 556 00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,559 Even a warrior needs to rest once in a while. 557 00:33:54,079 --> 00:33:57,880 After all, you are only human. Amen to that, brother, 558 00:33:58,079 --> 00:34:00,680 I shouted back. As I turned together up my things. 559 00:34:02,079 --> 00:34:03,839 I heard him laugh for a moment, and then I 560 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,000 heard nothing, no footfalls or rustling or twelve fabric that 561 00:34:08,119 --> 00:34:11,559 had announced his presence. And I spun back around quickly 562 00:34:11,599 --> 00:34:14,880 and he was gone. I made my way up the 563 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,480 path at a rapid pace, only to find an empty 564 00:34:17,519 --> 00:34:20,559 parking lot and my truck parked nearby in the grass. 565 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:23,920 It was no way the old man could have moved 566 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,159 so fast. I would have heard his car start if 567 00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:30,239 he had driven here. If he had walked, he would 568 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:34,199 easily be within visual range. And then it hit me 569 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:39,039 like an electric shock, A tingling sensation raced through my body, 570 00:34:39,639 --> 00:34:43,480 and he called me by name. Never once in our 571 00:34:43,559 --> 00:34:46,400 conversation did I give him my name, and I never 572 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:50,239 bothered to ask for his. I used the terms guy, 573 00:34:50,519 --> 00:34:54,599 my friend bud on one occasion, and he always called 574 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:59,400 me yankee, but we never bothered to exchange names. But 575 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:02,440 through all of talking in conversation, I had never even 576 00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:05,519 thought to ask him, how did he know my name? 577 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,119 Why did he use the term warrior? How did he 578 00:35:09,199 --> 00:35:12,840 know that particular word would hit home with me? I 579 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,519 was a student of Bashido, the way of the warrior. 580 00:35:16,199 --> 00:35:19,000 How did he know? There's no possible way he could 581 00:35:19,039 --> 00:35:24,199 have known. I recovered from my depression in the weeks following. 582 00:35:24,559 --> 00:35:27,159 I was able to step outside my problems and take 583 00:35:27,199 --> 00:35:29,760 hold of them and control them, just as the old 584 00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:33,679 man suggested. I talked to a few people at work 585 00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:35,960 about my job, and I got the help that I 586 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:40,239 needed there. Things were turning around. And as for the 587 00:35:40,280 --> 00:35:43,719 old man at the rifle range, I kept these mysteries 588 00:35:43,760 --> 00:35:46,880 to myself. I attended the next club meeting and I 589 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,039 looked for the old man, but he never came. I 590 00:35:50,039 --> 00:35:53,480 asked around if anyone had seen him before. No one had. 591 00:35:54,199 --> 00:35:56,400 I asked the board members if they had voted in 592 00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,760 any new members had, but they were all men my 593 00:36:00,039 --> 00:36:03,440 age or younger, nobody as old as the man I described. 594 00:36:04,920 --> 00:36:06,880 I spent the rest of the meeting in a fog. 595 00:36:07,559 --> 00:36:10,280 I had been sent an angel in the form of 596 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,360 an old man. I would have taken my own life 597 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:17,599 that cold fall afternoon. Had he not been there to 598 00:36:17,599 --> 00:36:21,119 stop me, I would have put that nine milimeter around 599 00:36:21,159 --> 00:36:23,760 through my skull and left my kids without a father. 600 00:36:25,079 --> 00:36:27,239 I look back, and I wonder how I ever let 601 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:31,039 things spiral so far out of control. Was it my 602 00:36:31,239 --> 00:36:34,800 pride at always having to be perfect? Was I really 603 00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:38,559 feeling like everybody wanted more than I could give? Will 604 00:36:38,599 --> 00:36:41,280 I ever be able to thank that old man for 605 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:45,320 saving my life. I still don't know the answers, and 606 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,119 I've gathered enough wisdom to realize I'll always have more 607 00:36:49,199 --> 00:36:53,239 questions than answers. The old man taught me that problems 608 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,679 aren't always as big as they see, provided there's someone 609 00:36:56,760 --> 00:37:00,800 around to hell put them in perspective. The price for 610 00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:03,960 my life, and that piece of wisdom was the twenty 611 00:37:04,079 --> 00:37:07,480 minutes it took me to dissemble and clean a bolt 612 00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:11,280 action rifle. I write this in the memory of my 613 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:15,000 dearest friend Glenn, who took his life in October of 614 00:37:15,039 --> 00:37:18,719 two thousand and four. My friend, I miss you greatly. 615 00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,280 Trying to get my composure here. That is a letter 616 00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,960 from a real man. You know his name, you know 617 00:37:28,039 --> 00:37:31,440 the problems he went through. He listed them all. These 618 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:35,960 are problems that men from twenty years old to eighty 619 00:37:36,039 --> 00:37:39,159 year olds have. We have no one to talk to, 620 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,360 We have no one, and we can relate these feelings to. 621 00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:47,360 Greg was provided. I believe one hundred percent it was 622 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:51,400 an angel. If you're in a season of depression and 623 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:55,920 you hear this story, there is hope. Just hang in there, 624 00:37:55,960 --> 00:37:59,639 Just hang on. That's all you have to do. I'm 625 00:37:59,639 --> 00:38:03,559 not a psychologists or a psychiatrist, and Greg, I'm sorry 626 00:38:03,559 --> 00:38:07,559 if I'm adding some commentary that you don't appreciate. I'm 627 00:38:07,639 --> 00:38:10,320 just asking these people to hang on, because that's what 628 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:13,840 I got from this story. This man that just showed 629 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:16,519 up at the rifle range just held him there and 630 00:38:16,559 --> 00:38:19,280 he was hanging on for just a minute, just another minute, 631 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:23,280 just another minute, just another sentence. Until it all worked 632 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:27,000 out in Greg's head. Thank you Greg for sending this. 633 00:38:27,679 --> 00:38:31,559 Please please please not comment for the sake of commenting, 634 00:38:31,840 --> 00:38:35,400 but comment how this letter from Greg Ballin made you 635 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,840 feel he would be interested in seeing your comments and 636 00:38:38,880 --> 00:38:41,840 so so I'll end that podcast with this. It was 637 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,320 a different podcast every once in a while, I don't know, 638 00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:48,039 I like to do something different. Hope you enjoyed it 639 00:38:48,079 --> 00:38:49,440 and we'll see guys on the next week.