WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.839 The sunlight was already pushing in at the edges of 2 00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:08.240 our bedroom curtains. When I flipped over and realized Alex 3 00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:10.599 was up, his side of the bed was cool. I 4 00:00:10.599 --> 00:00:13.800 saw him standing beside the dresser, meticulous as ever, folding 5 00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:15.640 down the collar of his shirt and frowning at his 6 00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:17.559 phone the way he did when he was already somewhere 7 00:00:17.640 --> 00:00:20.519 else in his head. I raised myself on to one 8 00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:23.079 elbow and studied him, hoping he turned say good morning, 9 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:24.879 the way he used to, with his coffee voice and 10 00:00:24.920 --> 00:00:27.519 the sleepy, accidental dimples that living together had made me 11 00:00:27.559 --> 00:00:30.160 the category of. He caught my eye, then forced a 12 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:32.399 crooked smirk, the routine when he dusted off when he 13 00:00:32.439 --> 00:00:35.600 thought I needed reassurance. Don't let the rogue side Wakarta 14 00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:38.119 snatch you up on your walk. Yeah. He jobwed a 15 00:00:38.119 --> 00:00:40.560 finger at my pajama shirt, miming some old joke about 16 00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:42.759 my questionable fashion taste that for year as made me 17 00:00:42.759 --> 00:00:45.920 snort laugh before I finished my first cup this morning. 18 00:00:46.039 --> 00:00:48.000 I tried to play along, but my laugh tangled in 19 00:00:48.079 --> 00:00:52.640 my throat. The joke landed flat. He didn't seem to notice. Instead, 20 00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:54.960 he leaned over to kiss my forehead, missing my lips 21 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.039 by a few inches, then snatched up his keys. As 22 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:00.200 he did, he passed right by my favorite scarf, the 23 00:01:00.240 --> 00:01:02.359 orange and blue hand dyed one from that autumn fair 24 00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:04.280 in Provence, Dan, the one he used to hand to 25 00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:06.519 me with ceremony on chilly days, as if it might 26 00:01:06.519 --> 00:01:09.799 be outalisman against the world's indifference. The day he didn't 27 00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:13.640 even glance at it. Coffee at the rousse right. My 28 00:01:13.719 --> 00:01:17.120 voice sounded casual, but my stomach flooded. I'd only asked 29 00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:21.359 the same question last week and the week before. He hesitated, 30 00:01:21.480 --> 00:01:25.840 sipping his jacket halfway. Yeah, or actually maybe maple cafe. 31 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:28.799 See how crowded it gets. His eyes flicked somewhere around 32 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.359 the vicinity of my left shoulder. I'll text of plans change. 33 00:01:32.840 --> 00:01:34.920 I forced myself to nod like it was no big deal. 34 00:01:35.560 --> 00:01:39.200 Tell him, I said, hey, am Maya, and the words 35 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:42.239 trailed off. I wasn't sure who else was supposed to 36 00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:45.120 be there any more. He flashed a distracted smile, then 37 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:48.079 shut the door behind him. His footsteps down the stairs 38 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:51.000 faded fast. I waited a moment and sure if I'd 39 00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:53.680 forgotten something important, and then pushed myself up height, the 40 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:56.879 bed creaking under me. It was early, still city, noised, 41 00:01:56.920 --> 00:02:00.239 just building on our block. Outside, the artist who aimed 42 00:02:00.239 --> 00:02:02.640 a stretch of pavement with canvasses and bold sum addresses 43 00:02:02.640 --> 00:02:05.640 were already setting up their little street gallery. I liked 44 00:02:05.680 --> 00:02:07.599 being able to peek down from our living room's wide 45 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:10.520 window and see bursts of color. Our neighborhood had always 46 00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:12.840 felt alive, bright with possibility. That was part of why 47 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:14.800 we moved here, part of what glued Alex and me 48 00:02:14.919 --> 00:02:17.080 together when people asked why we were so sure, why 49 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:20.240 we needed each other's rhythm. But lately something felt just 50 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:22.800 out of reach, like a favorite real and obusted projector. 51 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:25.759 I filled the kettle, holding the seramic candle a bit 52 00:02:25.800 --> 00:02:28.680 too tight, and stared at our fridge door. The magnets 53 00:02:28.680 --> 00:02:31.039 held up faded photos strips mostly of Alex and me, 54 00:02:31.319 --> 00:02:33.520 our arms flung around each other, the ages bent from 55 00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:35.400 being taken down and put back up after a dozen 56 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.759 Unless we organized bursts this laughing and cafays us painting 57 00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:41.680 in some brick Waltz studio. I loosened my grip, found 58 00:02:41.719 --> 00:02:44.039 my phone, and scrolled back through the photos from past 59 00:02:44.039 --> 00:02:47.879 Saturday coffee group meet ups. Our level gang smiling mugs 60 00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:50.560 nearly overflowing to making some ridiculous ruckus in the back 61 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:53.360 ground while my pretended to shush him. Alex always had 62 00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:56.479 his arms slung comfortably across my shoulders. I started to 63 00:02:56.479 --> 00:02:58.360 type a message into the group chatch you guys at 64 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:01.520 Roostero mabele to day, but deleted it halfway. No one 65 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.840 had said anything to me about changing the regular spot, 66 00:03:03.960 --> 00:03:05.680 and it felt weird to force my way in when 67 00:03:05.719 --> 00:03:08.120 Alex had already said it was just the guys. I 68 00:03:08.199 --> 00:03:10.759 thumbed for a couple more pictures, studying Alex's face from 69 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:12.840 last fall. He used to look so relaxed around me, 70 00:03:12.919 --> 00:03:16.319 crinkling his nose when I cast something funny. I tried 71 00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:18.360 to summon that feeling now, but the energy in the 72 00:03:18.400 --> 00:03:22.759 apartment was different, staler still. I shrugged it off. This 73 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:25.400 was just stess, I told myself. His new freelance gy 74 00:03:25.479 --> 00:03:27.400 hit him up until midnight twice this week, and I 75 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:29.360 had been spinning my own wheels in the studio or two. 76 00:03:29.960 --> 00:03:34.159 We were both exhausted. Shift happens, it would all saddle 77 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:35.919 or it wouldn't, and we'd talk it through the way 78 00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:39.120 we always had. At least that was the story I repeated. 79 00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:42.199 I found an old jooney mitel elpie, placed it gently 80 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:45.159 and let the music fill the apartment. It helped a little, 81 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:48.080 but as the first guitar notes echoed, I noticed how 82 00:03:48.120 --> 00:03:50.280 empty the place fell, to echoes bouncing off the hard 83 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:52.719 the faintest trace of Alex's cologne clinging to his pillow, 84 00:03:52.840 --> 00:03:54.800 even the way the sunlight settled, and the gray streaks 85 00:03:54.800 --> 00:03:57.960 atop our bookshelves. I wrapped the Province Dan scarf around 86 00:03:57.960 --> 00:04:00.680 my shoulders anyway, stubborn, and I to map out my 87 00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:04.599 morning walk. It was Saturday. Artists would smile at me, 88 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:09.840 maybe someone would wave, maybe something would click back into place. Instead, 89 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:12.360 I found myself scrolling all texts, hunting for proof that 90 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.680 it wasn't always like this. Couldn't find it, not exactly. 91 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:18.279 I took a deep breath, determined not to let my 92 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:20.839 anxious brain hijack a morning that wasn't even half of her. 93 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:23.720 A little while later, I found myself in the kitchen, 94 00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:25.959 hands trembling a bit as I sipped coffee and watched 95 00:04:25.959 --> 00:04:28.639 a neighbor trying to wrestle as tripe to attention. I 96 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:30.680 still didn't have a plan for the day, aside from 97 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:33.199 half heartily sketching ideas for new text stiles I'd been 98 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:37.160 avoiding for weeks. Funny how routines shape you. Ours had 99 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:40.240 always been sacred to gallery nights, Saturday coffee with the crew, dumber, 100 00:04:40.279 --> 00:04:42.800 running jokes in the bathroom mirror. It was hard to 101 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:45.439 believe that these last few weekends, I'd been waking up alone, 102 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:48.519 unpacking a kind of loneliness that didn't feel familiar. The 103 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:51.040 old warmth between us was shifting, like dust, colt and 104 00:04:51.079 --> 00:04:54.399 slow sunbeams. I tried to convince myself it would pass, 105 00:04:54.439 --> 00:04:56.319 that a couple of rough patches and miss punch lines 106 00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:59.079 didn't erase years of shared laughter and messy joeful knights 107 00:04:59.079 --> 00:05:01.759 making outside by some. But as I looked out the 108 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:04.319 window at the pop up gallery, at Stranger's bowlbrush strokes 109 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:06.759 claiming the city's surface, I couldn't help feeling like something 110 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:10.079 underneath had shifted to After my walk, I lingered by 111 00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:13.199 our living room window, watching as artists and neighbors drifted past, 112 00:05:13.319 --> 00:05:16.079 caught in their un little worlds. I tested the phrase 113 00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:19.879 out loud, He's just tired, and it sounded plausible enough, familiar. 114 00:05:20.560 --> 00:05:23.160 When had that become the line? I pressed my palm 115 00:05:23.240 --> 00:05:25.639 flat against the cold glass that the city's puls moved 116 00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:28.160 through me, and tried not to wonder where exactly Alex 117 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:30.720 was at that moment, and with him. It still feels 118 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:33.120 strange to put a finger on exactly when I started 119 00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:35.879 leaning more un memory than the present. Alex and I 120 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:38.319 met eight years ago on the kind of October afternoon 121 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:41.319 that makes you dramatic about fate. We were both assigned 122 00:05:41.319 --> 00:05:42.959 to the same worn down artist co op out in 123 00:05:42.959 --> 00:05:44.639 the books as him with his sketch book, me with 124 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:47.040 a battered canvas, tow full of yarns and half finished 125 00:05:47.079 --> 00:05:50.319 embroidery samplers. There were seven of us that session, but 126 00:05:50.399 --> 00:05:52.279 only one whose love cut through the hum of space 127 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:55.279 heaters and stale coffee. I didn't think romance when we 128 00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:57.720 first met. I was still bristling with the kind of 129 00:05:57.759 --> 00:06:00.279 ambition that makes you overshare about influences and sleep and 130 00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:03.560 borrowed hoodies. Alex moved with the careless precision of someone 131 00:06:03.600 --> 00:06:05.439 who knew how to hold a brush but didn't need 132 00:06:05.480 --> 00:06:08.120 anyone to notice. He made space for me at a 133 00:06:08.120 --> 00:06:11.720 batter picnic table and mostly let me rant, sometime tod 134 00:06:11.800 --> 00:06:13.639 catch and watching as I pulled for its tough linen 135 00:06:13.680 --> 00:06:16.040 eyes narrown in mock horror if his WARTERI lulliate or not. 136 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:18.839 We spent at four playing dumb games where we tried 137 00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:21.360 to spot each other's creative at tick sided catching, squinting 138 00:06:21.399 --> 00:06:23.680 at light through windows. He pointed out how m sketches 139 00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:26.160 feed off course whenever I ate too many soar candies. 140 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:29.439 Things blurred by December, long nights in his room, shoulder 141 00:06:29.480 --> 00:06:32.759 to shoulder sketching each other in a yellow lamplet devotion 142 00:06:32.839 --> 00:06:36.240 snuck up sideways. When the residency ended, he moved back 143 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:38.560 to the city, and a few months later, if all out, 144 00:06:38.680 --> 00:06:40.759 both of us hunting for studios in the same part 145 00:06:40.759 --> 00:06:43.519 of town. People asked what made us work, why it 146 00:06:43.560 --> 00:06:47.040 wasn't competitive or exhausting. I always said it was about energy. 147 00:06:47.040 --> 00:06:49.439 Ours was the kind that built on itself without boning out. 148 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:52.439 Ellery nights where we watched each other's faces instead of 149 00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:54.920 the art. Late mornings tangled up in bed making new 150 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:57.560 jokes out of all missteps. We made a home for 151 00:06:57.680 --> 00:07:00.519 routines Sunday at the farmers Market, Thursday night Pete's at 152 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.040 Saturday coffee with Tim and Myern. Whoever else would hop 153 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.360 on our little creative carousel. I'm a textile artist, living 154 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:08.279 half my life with my hands in wool and silk 155 00:07:08.399 --> 00:07:11.120 dies under my finger nails were there almost impossible to remove. 156 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.160 My studio is the dusty, spare bedroom shelves buckling under fabric, notes, 157 00:07:15.199 --> 00:07:17.839 gribbled in the margins of library books, and a manequin 158 00:07:17.879 --> 00:07:21.160 that somehow always in my way. Alex is a graphic designer, 159 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:24.120 working mostly from home these days, his screens glowing deep 160 00:07:24.160 --> 00:07:26.519 into the evening to clients everywhere, from Brooklyn's startups to 161 00:07:26.600 --> 00:07:29.199 long lost high school friends trying to launch a podcast. 162 00:07:29.920 --> 00:07:33.120 Sometimes we'd collaborate, to me sketching abstract forms, him bringing 163 00:07:33.160 --> 00:07:35.519 them to life digitally, our art bleeding together until it 164 00:07:35.560 --> 00:07:37.680 was impossible to say when mine ended and has begun. 165 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:41.360 I always loved that abel Us. Even when we argued, 166 00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:44.079 it felt productive, each of us pushing the other to invent, 167 00:07:44.120 --> 00:07:46.839 to admit when something wasn't working. We could be honest 168 00:07:46.839 --> 00:07:50.399 about failure, proud when things clicked. Sometimes, after a big 169 00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:52.279 win ashore a new client, he tore me around the 170 00:07:52.279 --> 00:07:56.519 living room, laughing until we collapsed, breathless limbs everywhere our friends, 171 00:07:56.600 --> 00:07:59.560 him with his endless coffee, snobbery, my sly Wi, the 172 00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:02.040 gallery and poets who floated through our lives held it 173 00:08:02.079 --> 00:08:05.519 all together. We'd hoast elaborate dinners for no reason, blow 174 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:07.680 half a patriockon tickets to a new show, or just 175 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:09.879 sit on the fire escape of Canbia, hecking each other 176 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:12.680 as the sunset of a roof ups. But lately I'd 177 00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:15.839 been feeling stuck. My art had dried up, my hands 178 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:18.759 moving through the same patterns over and over, nothing surprising 179 00:08:18.839 --> 00:08:21.399 or electric. I blamed it on the weather, on months 180 00:08:21.399 --> 00:08:25.120 of chasing commissions that didn't connect. Sometimes I call Alex 181 00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:27.800 blancing at my unfinished work. Is expression difficult to read? 182 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:30.600 He'd say, you'll break through, you always do, but it 183 00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:34.039 landed softer than it used to. He, in contrast, seemed 184 00:08:34.039 --> 00:08:37.639 re energized these past few months. New clients, more meetings, 185 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:40.000 back to back syncolls that left him having little melodies 186 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:42.440 in the kitchen as he washed up. I admired it, 187 00:08:42.639 --> 00:08:45.159 envied it a little felt boyd by his confidence at first, 188 00:08:45.840 --> 00:08:47.879 But something about how he handled it, how his laughter 189 00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:49.879 didn't quite reach me on the days he was busiest, 190 00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:53.399 started to open a tiny, jagged space between us. We'd 191 00:08:53.440 --> 00:08:56.279 always take hi pride in respecting each other's independence. Even 192 00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:59.279 after all these years, When my anxiety flared up, when 193 00:08:59.279 --> 00:09:01.600 a project bombed or a friend counseled last minute, Tallic 194 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:03.879 steadied me with calm reassurances, or just a hand in 195 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.279 mine an anchor. His affection was routine, safe, like the 196 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:10.399 careful scaffolding of a new piece of work. I needed that, 197 00:09:10.799 --> 00:09:13.600 maybe more than I admitted, So I told myself old 198 00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.320 a new weakness was part of a rough patch. It 199 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:19.840 would pass. That's what I wanted to believe. But each 200 00:09:19.879 --> 00:09:22.320 time Alex left for coffee, each time he ducked and 201 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:24.559 inside Jerko miss a detail only the two of us 202 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:26.960 really shared. It felt less like the friction of growthim 203 00:09:27.080 --> 00:09:29.000 or like something else, something I didn't want to name. 204 00:09:29.559 --> 00:09:32.200 The sixth Saturday rolled around, and this time I asked 205 00:09:32.200 --> 00:09:35.440 if I could tag along. I tried for Breezy, standing 206 00:09:35.480 --> 00:09:37.320 in the doorway while he thumb for Old. Hext at 207 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:39.840 the kitchen counter, hair still a little damp from his shower. 208 00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:43.039 He didn't look up. It's just the guys this time, 209 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:45.879 bit of a catch up. You know. He was grinning, 210 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:48.879 but his shoulders were dense. That's not really how it's 211 00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:51.559 been though, I said, searching his face for a clue. 212 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:55.639 Usually Maya and I. I trailed off, realizing I sounded 213 00:09:55.639 --> 00:09:58.480 like I was lobbing for an invitation. He shrugged, eyes 214 00:09:58.519 --> 00:10:00.879 fixed on his phone, then sat it down with deliberate care. 215 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:03.720 Everyone just needs to vend a little, he said. I 216 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:06.639 promise we'll do the whole group next time. The way 217 00:10:06.679 --> 00:10:09.639 he smiled after, quick and apologetic, made me feel like 218 00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:11.840 a child asking to stay up pass by time, I 219 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:15.279 found myself nodding without conviction. That night, at dinner, over 220 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:17.600 seted mushrooms and spinach. Because I tried to make something 221 00:10:17.639 --> 00:10:20.039 that felt celebratory, I asked him about the meet up. 222 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:23.240 How'd it go? Tim, still nursing his existential crisis over 223 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:27.000 espresso quality, Alex stifled a laugh, then paused, fiddling with 224 00:10:27.039 --> 00:10:30.399 a spoon. Here, Tim was running late, ordered enough pastries 225 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:32.600 for a football team. By the time he finally showed. 226 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:34.879 Something prickled at the back of my mind. I had 227 00:10:34.879 --> 00:10:37.600 seen Tim's Instagram earlier the day. There had been a 228 00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:40.559 selfie in the airport. I remembered him posting a short 229 00:10:40.639 --> 00:10:43.080 video Palm trees whipping in a tropical storm made it 230 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:46.879 barely superimposed in type. He was out of town to 231 00:10:47.000 --> 00:10:49.639 date for sure. I didn't say anything, bit into a 232 00:10:49.639 --> 00:10:52.639 slice of bread and let Alex keep talking. I found 233 00:10:52.639 --> 00:10:54.960 myself searching for an innocent reason for the slip up. 234 00:10:55.519 --> 00:10:57.559 Maybe he was mixed up. Maybe to coffee group was 235 00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:00.639 a group in theory at this point, maybe I'd forgotten 236 00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:04.320 what a normal adult relationship looked like. Stop spiraling, I 237 00:11:04.360 --> 00:11:07.679 told myself. I decided I would not tonight, not again. 238 00:11:08.200 --> 00:11:10.840 When the dishes were put away, I texted Maya, suggesting 239 00:11:10.879 --> 00:11:12.679 we meet up for the gallery show of finch House 240 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:16.320 next week. Her reply was short, almost curt can't make it, 241 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:20.080 tons of grating sorry, rain check a non characteristic wall. 242 00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:22.759 But I convinced myself it was nothing. This was what 243 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:26.000 independence an adult to looked like, right, friends with their 244 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:28.080 own shit, a partner wanting a few hours each week 245 00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:31.279 for himself. I told myself that I respected our boundaries. 246 00:11:31.320 --> 00:11:33.960 I liked my space as much as he did. Still, 247 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:35.799 I went to sleep with a thin line of unknees 248 00:11:35.840 --> 00:11:39.399 humming under my ribs. The next week, I paid closer attention. 249 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:42.120 It started with the little things. Alex kept his phone 250 00:11:42.159 --> 00:11:45.799 near him at all times, faced an even during dinner. Once, 251 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:48.720 while we're heating left overs, I saw him glance sideways 252 00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:50.799 at a message let s, twitching at something he read, 253 00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:53.519 before tucking the phone quickly into his pocket. There were 254 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:57.159 more skip routines too. A friend, Sarah stopped me during 255 00:11:57.159 --> 00:11:59.840 a Thursday gallery opening, giving me a quick hog comment. 256 00:12:00.240 --> 00:12:02.320 We missed you too a bunch Saturday. Howe Bolex is 257 00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:06.279 back to eating solid food after that mystery lasagna. I blink, confusion, 258 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:09.039 halting my breath. Brunch. I thought we were meant to 259 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:11.360 be at Air's opening last Saturday, but Alex said he 260 00:12:11.399 --> 00:12:14.559 only dropped by for a minute. Sarah laughed, shaking her head. 261 00:12:15.159 --> 00:12:17.759 He was, therefore, what forty five minutes? He and Beck 262 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:19.679 stuck a run until the bitter end. Ye sure you 263 00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:23.440 are not confusing weekends. She was already drifting toward another group, 264 00:12:23.799 --> 00:12:27.279 not seeing that, she dropped a rock into my tranquil surface, Vica. 265 00:12:28.039 --> 00:12:30.919 The name registered but didn't stick. At first, all I 266 00:12:30.960 --> 00:12:34.440 could think was another of my partner small incomprehensible mysteries. 267 00:12:34.960 --> 00:12:36.639 I tried to shake it off as I wandered through 268 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:39.320 the monochrome paintings, but the common trailed me back home. 269 00:12:39.879 --> 00:12:42.440 Over the next few days, the details stopped a line 270 00:12:42.440 --> 00:12:44.720 in the times he got home from emergency. Client calls 271 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:46.879 got later. But when I checked his culu into something 272 00:12:46.919 --> 00:12:49.519 I almost never dated, though, were curious gaffs, entire days 273 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:52.600 seemingly wiped away. I noticed receipts that didn't match what 274 00:12:52.679 --> 00:12:54.919 he told me, stories that seemed thomas if taken on 275 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:57.399 their own, but together built a creeping colotte of emission. 276 00:12:57.879 --> 00:13:00.759 One night, I stood at the studio door eavesdrop. I 277 00:13:00.799 --> 00:13:02.799 knew it was wrong, childish, but the urge to no 278 00:13:02.879 --> 00:13:05.879 one out. Alex's voice was muted, but the laughter it 279 00:13:05.919 --> 00:13:08.320 was warmer, free of version. I hadn't heard him use 280 00:13:08.360 --> 00:13:10.679 with me in months. He caught me in the hall, 281 00:13:10.799 --> 00:13:13.919 cheeks flushed, fallen, still in hand. It just to him, 282 00:13:13.960 --> 00:13:16.440 he mumbled, suddenly awkward, and I made myself not like 283 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:19.639 that answer satisfied me. I tempted to push for normalcy, 284 00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.759 suggesting one of our old to date nights. Alex seemed 285 00:13:22.759 --> 00:13:24.919 to brighton, But now before we were supposed to go, 286 00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:27.600 he suddenly had a work emergency, something about a file 287 00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:30.360 lost and drop boos and a needy client. He left 288 00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:32.519 with his laptop on no one, arms squeezing my shoulder 289 00:13:32.519 --> 00:13:34.679 on the way out, his attentiveness somehow all the more 290 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:37.919 jarring for how calculated it felt. He returned late, as 291 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:40.879 glazed with excuses, and I wound up eating takeout in silence, 292 00:13:40.919 --> 00:13:42.840 staring at the chip blue pottery bowl we bought on 293 00:13:42.840 --> 00:13:45.159 a road trip years ago. When I reached out to 294 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:48.879 Myra again, she dodged me with practice of baseness, crazy week, 295 00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:51.799 tense parents are visiting, and my bosses being a nightmare missy, 296 00:13:51.960 --> 00:13:55.360 though even her emojis seemed subdued. It was at the 297 00:13:55.360 --> 00:13:57.360 odd Supply store a few days later that I found 298 00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:59.240 a receipt Alex had left on the table alone with 299 00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:01.519 a half done to do list. It was for the 300 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:03.440 kind of indek fay I'd never heard him mention, a 301 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:06.960 place called Clover and Vine, written in delicate script, two 302 00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:10.440 large cuffees, two pastries, Saturday morning time stamped. While he 303 00:14:10.440 --> 00:14:13.000 should have been with the group at Roost, the total 304 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:15.840 was too high for one, too casual for something business related. 305 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.200 I typed the address into my phone and saw it 306 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:20.440 was clear across town, nowhere near the rous or Maple 307 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:23.480 or Sara's show for that matter. That night, I resolved 308 00:14:23.519 --> 00:14:26.399 to bring it up. I waited, letting Alex finish a call, 309 00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:29.799 then sidled up to him on the couch. I stated, simply, 310 00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:32.360 I feel like we have a really connected Lately, Saturdays 311 00:14:32.360 --> 00:14:34.320 are different than they used to be. There's something up. 312 00:14:34.799 --> 00:14:37.519 He grinned with almost desperate warmth, sliding an arm around 313 00:14:37.559 --> 00:14:40.279 me and peppering my temple with kisses. We both need 314 00:14:40.279 --> 00:14:43.360 a break sometimes, Nick. He promised we'd spend next weekend 315 00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:46.039 together her, just as a proper date night, no distractions. 316 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:49.000 I wanted to believe him. I let my body melt 317 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:52.080 against his, but his touch felt performative, heavy handed. Instead 318 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:55.000 of seating, I tried to sleep that night, where collecting 319 00:14:55.039 --> 00:14:57.679 near my collar bone, unable to shape the circular worry? 320 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:00.840 Was it my fault? Was my my creative rub bleeding 321 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:04.000 into our relationship? Maybe he just needed me to be 322 00:15:04.080 --> 00:15:06.519 less needy. When I next picked up his full and 323 00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:08.720 a shameful habit that left me feeling birth and powered 324 00:15:08.759 --> 00:15:11.600 and totsic, I found nothing. At ward, his texts were 325 00:15:11.639 --> 00:15:14.039 tim and the coffee group were brief. Mundane sprinkled with 326 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:17.679 the usual means. His calendar, though at Gaping Hole's appointments 327 00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:20.879 marked and then deleted regular reminders that no longer meant anything. 328 00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:23.720 I caught myself searching so hard for proof, I wondered 329 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:26.559 if I was just inventing patterns and white noise. I 330 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:29.759 started losing sleep, waking to mental scrap books of mist details. 331 00:15:30.399 --> 00:15:32.919 My own art became impossible. Everything I wore felt taught 332 00:15:32.919 --> 00:15:37.159 and joyless. My friends meanwhile, seemed to shrink away. My 333 00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:39.840 barely responded to my check in tim answer texts with 334 00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.159 vague after the fat humor, I'd never felt so peripheral 335 00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:45.840 to my own life. I decided, against my own better 336 00:15:45.919 --> 00:15:49.240 judgment to focus on trusting Alex. He couldn't hide something 337 00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:52.200 serious from me. Not after all we'd built all the 338 00:15:52.279 --> 00:15:55.519 years of messy, infuriating honesty. Not after nights tangled up 339 00:15:55.559 --> 00:15:58.639 confessing fears and flooding each other with laughter. I wanted 340 00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:00.960 things to snap back into place, the way broken thread 341 00:16:01.000 --> 00:16:04.000 sometimes too, when stretched tight enough. Alex must have sensed 342 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:06.039 my shift, because a few days later he surprised me. 343 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:07.679 We take out on a bottle of the cheap Greek 344 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:10.240 wine we discovered in college. Setting the table with wild 345 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:12.320 fowes from a bodegain and a new sketch become wrapped 346 00:16:12.360 --> 00:16:14.919 the way I liked it best. He suggested an old 347 00:16:14.919 --> 00:16:18.320 thus routine, trading ideas for new projects, calling possible show titles. 348 00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:21.519 In the margins, I felt an unwinding, a fragile normalcy, 349 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:23.559 as we laughed about the messes we'd made over the years. 350 00:16:24.279 --> 00:16:26.440 At one point I admitted in the smallest voice that 351 00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:28.200 I had been worried lately, that I was sorry for 352 00:16:28.240 --> 00:16:30.799 being anxious, for making things heavier when he was working 353 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:34.320 so hard. His face shuddered. Then thought, I didn't want 354 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:36.639 to make things worse when you're already stressed, he said. 355 00:16:37.279 --> 00:16:38.919 I figured if I gave you some room, maybe it 356 00:16:38.919 --> 00:16:42.240 would help. He gripped my hand hard as glistening. I 357 00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:44.360 hate thinking I could be adding to your pressure. Nick, 358 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:47.120 I'm here, I love you. My chest hurt from guilt. 359 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:49.840 I've resolved then, and that to give him must the 360 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:52.720 benefit of the doubt. It was my rut, my fears 361 00:16:52.759 --> 00:16:56.240 bleeding across our happiness. I needed to focus, create, let 362 00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:59.360 things breathe. The next day, tidying up after dinner, I 363 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:01.159 reached for an air and fork unto the sovera, and 364 00:17:01.200 --> 00:17:04.319 my fingers caught something sharpen metlec. I drew it out, 365 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:07.799 startled a single earring, heavy silver, studded with pale blue 366 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:11.480 stun set in a swirling shape. It look handmade, striking, familiar. 367 00:17:12.319 --> 00:17:14.000 I'd seen it before on a woman who made the 368 00:17:14.079 --> 00:17:17.119 rounds at Gallery Knights. Her style unmistakable, chunky black boots, hair, 369 00:17:17.160 --> 00:17:20.200 cropt clothes, not a clothes friend, but enough part of 370 00:17:20.240 --> 00:17:21.680 our scene that the sight of that earring in our 371 00:17:21.680 --> 00:17:23.920 home has bowled me. I told myself there could be 372 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:27.319 a hundred innocent explanations, maybe I'd have fallen out at 373 00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:30.160 a party. But the dread persisted, pulled in my chest. 374 00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:31.960 As I made tea and stared at the earring under 375 00:17:31.960 --> 00:17:34.799 the overhead lights, turning it over in my palm. I 376 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:38.240 began to search for patents. Details I hadn't considered significant. 377 00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:42.079 Alex had long conversations late at night, sometimes whispering in 378 00:17:42.079 --> 00:17:44.200 the whole way under the pretense of moving a deadline. 379 00:17:44.599 --> 00:17:46.559 When I scrolled three months of old group photos on 380 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:49.440 my phone, openings dinners short after shot, Becca was there, 381 00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:52.839 usually somewhere near Alex. In most pictures. She looked past 382 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:56.480 the camera, smiling at someone nearby. I started noticing other things. 383 00:17:56.480 --> 00:17:59.000 To Instagram photos of Becca. The same new cafe had 384 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.039 found on Alex's roots, posted on the same Saturdays, Alex 385 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:03.880 said he was at roost with the guise or running 386 00:18:03.880 --> 00:18:07.160 so low errands. Alex's likes and comments on her posts 387 00:18:07.200 --> 00:18:09.759 were few, but punctuated with private jokes that seemed too 388 00:18:09.759 --> 00:18:13.079 detailed to be cattle. Tim's replies grew even more cautious 389 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:15.559 when I wrote, so, who's still doing Saturdays? Should we 390 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:18.880 try to rebeat brunch soon? His response, Yeah, a bunch 391 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:21.799 of shifting plans lately, everyone's pulled in ten directions. Let's 392 00:18:21.799 --> 00:18:24.880 get together sometime soon. Non committal, the shade of normal 393 00:18:24.880 --> 00:18:28.240 adult business. Yet I felt myself sliding across some invisible boundary, 394 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:31.240 from reasonable doubt to gnawing certainty. I hunted for more. 395 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:34.640 After Alex fell asleep. I tried not to make noise 396 00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:36.240 as I sat in the blue light of my laptop, 397 00:18:36.359 --> 00:18:39.680 scrolling through Tiger with photos of gallery events. In one 398 00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:42.319 I found Alex and Beck's side by side, both laughing 399 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:44.960 at something beyond the frame. Her elbow nudged into his ribs, 400 00:18:45.640 --> 00:18:48.680 his hand lingered at her back. I started laying traps 401 00:18:48.680 --> 00:18:51.640