WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.360 There's a certain comfort in small rituals, the kind you 2 00:00:06.440 --> 00:00:09.839 run your nails across without realizing until something snags underneath. 3 00:00:10.279 --> 00:00:12.480 For me and Mark, Thursday night board games were that 4 00:00:12.560 --> 00:00:14.880 comfort and anchor in the middle of every slippery week. 5 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:18.519 It was my turn to hosts. As usual. The table gleaned, 6 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:20.920 since I'd scrubed it that afternoon, hoping the lemon's end 7 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:23.359 would erase whatever vague tension I had been carrying around 8 00:00:23.359 --> 00:00:26.440 my neck. Wafayle was already dealing the game something with 9 00:00:26.519 --> 00:00:29.160 cards and towels. I never cared for the Rubican Asley 10 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:31.839 kindled with a handug apology about work being madder lately. 11 00:00:32.439 --> 00:00:35.000 Natalie came straight from her run, always a burst of 12 00:00:35.039 --> 00:00:38.719 color and athletic energy, while Brian, disheveled and amused, brought 13 00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:40.560 a six pack like he was still pretending we were 14 00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:43.240 all in our twenties. It was our third game night 15 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:45.520 and six weeks with Mark still stuck at the office. 16 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:48.399 I told the story for him, repeating what he texted, 17 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:50.719 can't leave Klein's a nightmare. I owe you tacos and 18 00:00:50.759 --> 00:00:53.520 a foot massage. I laughed along with the group, tried 19 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:56.119 to mean it. I used his tone that blend of 20 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:58.799 gentle humor and Mark to spare. I wasn't sure who 21 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:02.280 I was convincing, may be myself. The night edged along, 22 00:01:03.000 --> 00:01:05.799 someone played a perfect hand in code names and erupting laughter. 23 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:09.120 Let me forget my tight smile. At some point, Raphael 24 00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:12.040 made this dry, quickly observation about Blue Princes's foreplay, and 25 00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:16.280 nastly doubled over, gasping, that's a Mark original. A comment 26 00:01:16.359 --> 00:01:19.560 hung in the air, half claimed, half public. I laughed 27 00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:22.079 because I had to. That was our inside joke, not theirs. 28 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:25.879 After everyone left, I gathered the empty glasses, one hand, 29 00:01:25.879 --> 00:01:29.799 brushing against Mark's favor of coffee mug. Odd it rested 30 00:01:29.799 --> 00:01:32.040 on the middle shelf, not the corner of the sideboard 31 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:35.799 where I kept it. I'd cleaned the shelf furlier. I frowned, 32 00:01:35.920 --> 00:01:37.879 thinking of the SELFI Natalie took at the last game 33 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:40.120 Night Mark missing, but the blue mug just peeking into 34 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:42.280 the shot. Only it hadn't been there before. I shook 35 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:45.920 my head. It's just a moug who's keeping track of mugs. 36 00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:48.400 But there was a little sliver of anease tuck somewhere 37 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:50.640 I couldn't reach. It was late by the time I 38 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:53.920 got upstairs. Mark ticked it halfway through the night, saying 39 00:01:53.959 --> 00:01:56.519 something nonsensical about C A D files being sent at 40 00:01:56.519 --> 00:01:59.159 the wrong scale and a client with the diagnosed anger issues. 41 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:02.680 I responded with a smiling emoji fell asleeper reading our 42 00:02:02.719 --> 00:02:05.680 old emoji banter. It should have made me feel closer. 43 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:09.800 The next morning, the ritual change slightly. Mark, still at 44 00:02:09.800 --> 00:02:11.759 the office, sent me a photo of the summerse from 45 00:02:11.800 --> 00:02:14.599 his window, sky flooding peach. He used to do it 46 00:02:14.639 --> 00:02:16.639 when he'd pull an all night. In our first cheer together. 47 00:02:17.319 --> 00:02:20.639 Eli Mark, the man who'd wore holmbefoot after project deadlines 48 00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:23.879 and collapse with his shoes dangling from his fingers, I replied, 49 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:26.759 pace yourself coffee. Later, to enforce myself to start work, 50 00:02:27.520 --> 00:02:29.159 there was a piece I needed to finish for a 51 00:02:29.199 --> 00:02:32.159 magazine some freelance giga barely carried about, but I tried 52 00:02:32.159 --> 00:02:35.479 to let the routine hold me he usually did. I 53 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:37.360 met Mark at the Clark Museum, the one with the 54 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:39.639 sharp glass facade on the open til fos that smell 55 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:42.080 like rain even in June. I was standing by a 56 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:44.400 model of Frank Lloyd Wright's studio, listening to a toe 57 00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:47.599 guide talk about negative space. Mark made a joke about 58 00:02:47.680 --> 00:02:50.479 architects believing in God complexes, and when I turned there, 59 00:02:50.520 --> 00:02:53.159 he was smirking. We wound up in the same groupee 60 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:55.840 come alone, too shy at first, then matching my sarcastic 61 00:02:55.840 --> 00:02:59.360 commentary note for note. Afterward, we lingered over over priced 62 00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:01.879 coffee in the meuse m Faye, dissecting the exhibit until 63 00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:05.120 it was dark outside. I remember thinking how easily he 64 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:08.039 held silence. Not all men do. We moved in together 65 00:03:08.120 --> 00:03:11.520 after a year. It felt sudden, but inevitable and easy dovetail. 66 00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:14.520 His job was just ramping up, then a boutique architecture firm, 67 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:16.919 with the promise of a real partnership, dangling over every 68 00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:20.719 overnight deadline. I edited lifestyle copy and book proposals from 69 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:22.840 home work I could take anywhere as long as I 70 00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:25.599 had WiFi and coffee. We made our flat over in 71 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:28.560 our style, mid century disk drifted lamps, ceramics from a 72 00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:31.840 vacation to Portugal. It wasn't a magazine short piast, but 73 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:34.680 it was ours. We hung marked framed blueprints in the 74 00:03:34.680 --> 00:03:36.960 whole way, probably a bit much, but we both liked 75 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:40.159 the geometry, the story lines under glass. We ran our 76 00:03:40.199 --> 00:03:43.400 lives by Chave rules. We were the couple who had contracts, 77 00:03:43.759 --> 00:03:47.400 never interrupted in public, always apologize in private. After my 78 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:50.319 parents moved to Arizona and Mark's relationship with his family 79 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:53.159 fractured for reasons he never clearly explained, we built our 80 00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:56.800 own scaffolding out of friends, our little crew, vastly from college. 81 00:03:57.000 --> 00:03:59.800 The first person I introduced to Mark Bryan, who had 82 00:03:59.800 --> 00:04:01.599 saw at his Mark's junior at the firm and ended 83 00:04:01.639 --> 00:04:04.159 up just as much mine. Natalie, whose dark we watched 84 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:06.439 How I See Ye, Raphael, who came to every gathering 85 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:09.159 with new gossip and an open smile. We claimed Thursday 86 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:11.159 nights for board gains a year into marriage and made 87 00:04:11.159 --> 00:04:13.560 a thing of it. We took tens hosting, mostly at 88 00:04:13.560 --> 00:04:16.279 our place due to my flexible schedule. There was something 89 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:18.319 about the threshold between work and home that we like 90 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:21.120 to keep soft. Mark is the type of man who 91 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:24.360 remembers birthdays and always knows everyone's coffee order without asking. 92 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:26.920 When he's at the table, there's a quiet confidence. He 93 00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:30.199 makes people feel seen, jokes land easier. I like that 94 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:33.000 about him. Sometimes I worried it made me look dull 95 00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:36.240 in comparison, But Mark never made me feel second. It 96 00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:38.879 was always clear I was his person, even in crowded rooms. 97 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:42.800 Six months ago, things started shifting. Mark landed a big 98 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:45.920 CLIENTE mar Quy opportunity, he said, eyes shining with pride 99 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:48.480 and fear. At the same time. It meant longer hours, 100 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:51.759 late dinners, phone calls at odd times. I thought, this 101 00:04:51.959 --> 00:04:54.639 is good, this is what we worked for. I missed him, 102 00:04:54.759 --> 00:04:57.680 but was proud. He started missing board game knights with 103 00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:00.160 the sheepish grin, always leaving me with stories of up 104 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:02.360 firm politics and stretched out partners who drank too much 105 00:05:02.360 --> 00:05:05.639 at post meeting drinks. Sometimes I noticed how quiet the 106 00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:08.319 apartment became when he was gone. I joked him myself 107 00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:10.759 that it was the price of ambition. I sealed myself 108 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:13.120 for the push and pule told myself every relationship had 109 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:16.319 its busy seasons. When Mark missed the next Thursday, I 110 00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:19.240 didn't want anyone else to notice how automatic my apology sounded. 111 00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:22.000 But we all expected the group to contract and expand, 112 00:05:22.040 --> 00:05:25.680 someone always traveling or sick or stuck at work. I 113 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:28.240 tried to ignore Ashley's raised eyebras when I set Mark's 114 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:31.600 favorite mug out, just in case I wasn't fooling anyone. 115 00:05:32.120 --> 00:05:34.879 He texted later that night, another round of meetings home late, 116 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:38.000 don't wait up hard Omoji soft joke about hire in 117 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:40.279 a life coach or a clone. It was easy to 118 00:05:40.319 --> 00:05:43.000 forget to resent him when he was funny. That night, 119 00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:45.040 as I tidied the living room, I found Mark's cell 120 00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:47.560 charger poking out from under the couch. It was the 121 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:49.600 one he only used her on board game Knights. He 122 00:05:49.759 --> 00:05:52.040 liked charging while we played because he hated being the 123 00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:54.639 guy with three percent at the table. I was half 124 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:56.879 way into stacking the games when I realized he hadn't 125 00:05:56.920 --> 00:05:59.759 been home, not officially, at least not while anyone else 126 00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:03.800 was around. Maybe he came by between meetings. He hadn't 127 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:07.279 mentioned the break I put it aside, a simple forgetfulness. 128 00:06:07.279 --> 00:06:11.000 Mark was scatterbrained, always misplacing things when tired. Back in 129 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:13.600 the kitchen, as I rinsed one glasses, my phone pined 130 00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:16.360 a charge notification from a joint credit card. Time stumped 131 00:06:16.399 --> 00:06:19.560 just after eight strange since Mark said he was dining 132 00:06:19.560 --> 00:06:22.240 with a client uptown at that hour. Maybe he swon 133 00:06:22.279 --> 00:06:24.839 by to grab something he left behind, but why not 134 00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:28.600 say so? Next morning, at breakfast, Mark looked tired, softer, 135 00:06:28.759 --> 00:06:31.759 rounded edges. He told me a story about a difficult 136 00:06:31.800 --> 00:06:34.839 client dinner, dropping in a jerk about Blueprints's love language, 137 00:06:35.319 --> 00:06:37.560 the same punch line raphaeled I'd used the night before, 138 00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:41.120 naming it amrck original. I laughed, but it felt rehearsed. 139 00:06:41.720 --> 00:06:44.040 I wanted him to mention stopping by for his charger, 140 00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:47.720 but he said nothing. I debated, asking, but bit my tongue, 141 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:50.920 not wanting to sound petulant. We always told each other everything. 142 00:06:50.920 --> 00:06:53.560 I trusted he'd say if he stopped home, maybe he 143 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:56.560 was sparing me. Feeling bad about missing another night, I 144 00:06:56.720 --> 00:06:58.560 let it go, But that was when I noticed the 145 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:01.360 lettle space between us at the breakfast table. We both 146 00:07:01.399 --> 00:07:04.319 filled it with small talk. The following week, Mark missed 147 00:07:04.319 --> 00:07:07.399 another game, this time bashlely bicked off too, blaming a 148 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:11.040 last minute Migrain. Natalie arrived them from her swing class, 149 00:07:11.199 --> 00:07:15.439 and Rafaele came bearing his usual absurdly generous snacks. Bryan 150 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:17.800 drifted in near the end for one round and one beer. 151 00:07:18.439 --> 00:07:21.519 This time, Rafael and Natalie both made passing references to 152 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:24.560 jokes that Mark had dropped last time vastly. When I 153 00:07:24.600 --> 00:07:27.319 facetimed her later insisted she hadn't seen Mark in weeks. 154 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:30.199 Suggest you when the chat, babe promise, She looked off 155 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:33.439 to the side. I was flickering. Maybe I was imagining things. 156 00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:36.240 The group fed, usually a blow of inside jokes and memes, 157 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:38.680 kept buzzing with stories and language Mark used to bring 158 00:07:38.720 --> 00:07:42.000 in person. They'd mentioned Mark's move or the class at 159 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:45.279 Mark debate as if he still attended. Once I sent 160 00:07:45.319 --> 00:07:47.319 a dumb meme to the group, and Mark responded with 161 00:07:47.360 --> 00:07:50.120 the one word joke he normally reserved for me. It 162 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:53.560 was easy, too easy, I told myself, he's just trying 163 00:07:53.600 --> 00:07:56.480 to keep the connection alive. I started to notice nothing 164 00:07:56.480 --> 00:07:59.040 about our pattern felt right. The fridge was done a 165 00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:02.360 bier every Thursday. Bard game boxes would be lower on 166 00:08:02.439 --> 00:08:05.720 stack than I remembered. One night, after everyone left, I 167 00:08:05.759 --> 00:08:07.639 found a hoodie of Marks that was strewn across the 168 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:10.279 arm of the sofa. I could have missed it earlier, 169 00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:13.079 but it looked newly worn, loose and sloud. She then 170 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:15.600 there was Natalie, He said, while gathering her gin bag. 171 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:17.720 I still think Mark's version of gesturing at the dice 172 00:08:17.800 --> 00:08:20.600 is better, but hey, you're the hostess now. I half 173 00:08:20.600 --> 00:08:24.240 smiled and asked, when did you see Mark's version? She hesitated, 174 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:28.759 then shrugged. Oh, I meant like old times. She left quickly, 175 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:30.680 but seemed rattled in a way I couldn't quite pin. 176 00:08:31.240 --> 00:08:34.159 Mars explained his late nights with architectural gibberish. He knew 177 00:08:34.159 --> 00:08:37.320 I didn't follow sematic design phase ran over, so owning 178 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:40.519 committee wouldn't aprove the elevation. My eyes were glazed, and 179 00:08:40.600 --> 00:08:43.720 I'd now chastising myself for not caring enough about this world. 180 00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:46.960 When I called him during these supposed meetings, he really 181 00:08:47.000 --> 00:08:49.919 answered if he did. The background was never quite right, 182 00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:52.600 sometimes too silent, once with a burst of laughter I 183 00:08:52.600 --> 00:08:55.679 thought sounded familiar, but written off as a colleague. I 184 00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:58.480 turned to the calendar to impose some order. I started 185 00:08:58.559 --> 00:09:00.399 cross reference in the dates when Mark Clint to have 186 00:09:00.440 --> 00:09:02.879 meetings with the Tians, our friends canceled or made excuses. 187 00:09:03.279 --> 00:09:06.399 Patterns emerged, but were patchy, like a half drawn graph. 188 00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:08.960 Assy was always busy on the nights. Mark said he 189 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:12.720 was at the firm. Brian too. Rafael, once so candid, 190 00:09:12.879 --> 00:09:15.440 now only commented on group texts with emojis or gifts, 191 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:18.759 as if sincerity was dangerous. I tried to comfort myself 192 00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:22.799 with practicalities. Mark's job was demanding, my friend's lives were 193 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:26.559 busy and overlapping. It made sense. Maybe I was just 194 00:09:26.600 --> 00:09:29.320 feeling left out, jealously guarding a ritual that belonged to 195 00:09:29.360 --> 00:09:32.240 all of us. The following Thursday, I locked into our 196 00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:35.799 joint decount to pay utilities bill. Whilst rolling through charges, 197 00:09:35.840 --> 00:09:38.360 a line item caught my eye. Three small dinner transactions 198 00:09:38.360 --> 00:09:40.360 at Brew and Company, a new restaurant he blocks from 199 00:09:40.360 --> 00:09:44.159 Ashley's apartment, each Thursday for three weeks, running not huge bills, 200 00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:47.639 twenty thirty bucks, sometimes with the dessert. Mark said it 201 00:09:47.639 --> 00:09:50.399 was routine dinners, explaining lightly, you know, the juniors have 202 00:09:50.440 --> 00:09:53.320 started buying the first round. It's sweet, but honestly I 203 00:09:53.360 --> 00:09:56.399 should just buy them dinner instead. I let the explanations 204 00:09:56.440 --> 00:09:58.440 down until I found the receipts crumpled in his coat. 205 00:09:58.480 --> 00:10:02.120 Two entrees never more, I asked, once, pointedly enough, did 206 00:10:02.159 --> 00:10:04.200 you have dinner with Bryan last night? There are always 207 00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:07.600 only two orders. Mark, ever light on his feet, said 208 00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:09.840 he and Brian were mentoring a new hire, Jess Barren. 209 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:12.440 The Jess is a real introvert, eats nothing makes awkward 210 00:10:12.440 --> 00:10:14.440 small talk trying to encourage her to feel part of 211 00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:17.159 the team. His voice had the soft, steady humor he 212 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:20.720 knew I trusted, but even nutfelt stretched. There was a 213 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:23.000 psaic nest of the lie, almost formal, as if he 214 00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:25.759 thought it over, were told it before. My world began 215 00:10:25.799 --> 00:10:28.799 to strain. The apartment filled and emptied with our regulars, 216 00:10:28.960 --> 00:10:31.840 yet the air thick and with unsaid things. Ashley, who 217 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:34.360 used to text me randam means at midnight, began answering 218 00:10:34.360 --> 00:10:38.200 in short bursts, each less enthusiastic than the last. For Rann, 219 00:10:38.240 --> 00:10:40.759 who once confided about office drama like I was his sister, 220 00:10:40.919 --> 00:10:44.879 now docked out of conversations involving Mark. Raphael, always first 221 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:47.039 to R s v PI, increasingly said he was swamped 222 00:10:47.039 --> 00:10:50.519 at work before disappearing from chats for days. Even Natalie, 223 00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:53.279 so energetic in person, closed up when I mentioned Mark, 224 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:55.480 choosing instead to deflect with talk about her new run 225 00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:59.879 issues or her training goals. I started questioning myself. Maybe 226 00:10:59.879 --> 00:11:02.240 I I was just jealous. Maybe I was too possessive 227 00:11:02.240 --> 00:11:05.279 about these friendships I'd adopted his hours. I wondered if 228 00:11:05.279 --> 00:11:07.360 I was projecting old and securities. Mark was always so 229 00:11:07.399 --> 00:11:10.240 well liked, Maybe people just preferred his company to mine. 230 00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:12.879 That's how fragile the ground fell, like the party could 231 00:11:12.879 --> 00:11:14.879 shift at any moment, and I'd have nowhere to stand. 232 00:11:15.559 --> 00:11:18.639 During a particularly weak Friday, I confess my loneliness to Mark. 233 00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:21.679 I waited until we were both too tired for pretense. 234 00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:24.559 The hour when words tangled less. He was lying on 235 00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:27.159 the couch, laptop balanced on his knee, eyes bruised from 236 00:11:27.240 --> 00:11:30.960 lack of sleep. Are you happy, I asked, not sure 237 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:33.519 what I was really asking. I feel like our walls 238 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:36.200 aren't lining up lately. Thursday nights keep getting empty here, 239 00:11:36.240 --> 00:11:38.840 and I miss you in them. Mark closed as laptop 240 00:11:38.879 --> 00:11:41.960 and looked at me, soft but firm. It's just work, Anna, 241 00:11:42.039 --> 00:11:44.360 I'm sorry. As soon as this project has done two 242 00:11:44.360 --> 00:11:46.559 more weeks, promise I'll take a break. I've been looking 243 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:49.720 at weekend getaways Montana, maybe just us. I know I've 244 00:11:49.720 --> 00:11:52.399 been a ghost. It's not you. His hand covered mine. 245 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:55.279 The warmth anchored me for a few breaths. The old 246 00:11:55.279 --> 00:11:59.039 steadiness returned. He leaned over and nuzzled my cheek. I 247 00:11:59.080 --> 00:12:02.279 wanted to believe him. I let myself. He showed up 248 00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:04.480 at the next game night right on time, arms full 249 00:12:04.519 --> 00:12:07.360 of take out in that familiar easy grin the evening 250 00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:09.919 fizz with his humor. He listened intently to Bryan and teas. 251 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:12.559 Raphael made Natalie laugh so hard she spit wine across 252 00:12:12.600 --> 00:12:16.360 his score sheet. I watched him as if from a distance, thinking, see, 253 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:19.759 you were just being paranoid. That night he was gentler 254 00:12:19.799 --> 00:12:22.519 than he'd been in one's touch lingered conversation leaped back 255 00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:26.200 to us. Later, winding down upstairs, he suggested we pause 256 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:27.639 the group for a week so we could have a 257 00:12:27.679 --> 00:12:31.759 Thursday alone like old times. I said yes. Gilp pulled 258 00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:34.519 in my chest. I was ashamed of my suspicions. For 259 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:38.080 a few days, the wolf righted itself. It worked, he worked. 260 00:12:38.799 --> 00:12:41.440 We made plans for a road trip where researched cheap flights, 261 00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:44.720 browsed der and blistings. I told Ashley, who sent a 262 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:48.240 million hard emojis and insisted we send photos. I started 263 00:12:48.279 --> 00:12:50.879 to rebuild the scaffolding of our normal, letting myself believe 264 00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:54.639 the season of distance was ending. Then, one afternoon, running 265 00:12:54.679 --> 00:12:56.720 late to send an email to a publisher, A grab 266 00:12:56.759 --> 00:12:59.639 Mark's laptop. He had left it open, brows a tub 267 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:02.600 scattered as I typed in the address bark Jess baron 268 00:13:02.639 --> 00:13:05.919 Otto filled on the recent contacts, it's now to my attention. 269 00:13:06.519 --> 00:13:09.039 There was a Jess in one of Ashley's recent Instagram photos, 270 00:13:09.039 --> 00:13:11.120 a stranger in the background of a group shot, tagged 271 00:13:11.120 --> 00:13:14.759 and grinning. The only unfamiliar face the name stuck pink 272 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:18.039 by the odd mention in Mark's mentoring stories, I clicked 273 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:20.080 glance in over my shoulder, as if a breeze had 274 00:13:20.080 --> 00:13:22.440 just chilled the room. The email showed a thread mark 275 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:24.519 to Murad, but I forced myself not to open it. 276 00:13:25.080 --> 00:13:28.159 I told myself it was nothing. That night, over dinner, 277 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:31.320 I let my curiosity bubble up. Ashley's doing this group 278 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:33.759 thing next week. Should I bring anything? It's Jess coming. 279 00:13:34.360 --> 00:13:37.799 Marx fok paused on the plate. Jess, Oh, I think so, 280 00:13:38.000 --> 00:13:40.559 but not sure you'd like her. She's really smart, shy though, 281 00:13:40.600 --> 00:13:43.399 reminds me of you. It was a soft, careful answer, 282 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:46.600 but a new one. I've replayed the conversation later, hearing 283 00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:49.039 the hitch that you'd like her. The next morning, I 284 00:13:49.039 --> 00:13:51.519 felt restless and able to focus on my editing. I 285 00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:55.000 found myself scrolling through Uslie's Instagram grid, clicking through tags 286 00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:58.840 seeming interfaces in the background until Jess's profile appeared private, 287 00:13:58.879 --> 00:14:01.519 but her likes were visible and nearly every recent group photo, 288 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:05.240 specially the ones from Thursday nights. My heart started a slow, 289 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:08.440 sick drum beat. I tried to shake it off. These 290 00:14:08.440 --> 00:14:11.759 were small things, explainable things. I couldn't leave it at that. 291 00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:14.799 In the days that followed, Mark's present seemed at once 292 00:14:14.879 --> 00:14:17.720 too near and too far. He'd make breakfast, linger at 293 00:14:17.720 --> 00:14:19.519 the table with his coffee, brush my knee, and ask 294 00:14:19.559 --> 00:14:22.679 about my project, but he dodged erect questions about work, 295 00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:24.799 or he'd say he was too swamped to think, or 296 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:26.960 just wanted to live in the prison with you. There 297 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:29.919 were stolen glances at his phone, abrupt changes in conversation. 298 00:14:30.000 --> 00:14:33.799 When I mentioned our friends, my approach shifted. I paid 299 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:37.559 more attention. I started checking the Shade calendar, scrolling back 300 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:39.919 through old invites for boll game nights. The dates didn't 301 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:42.720 match my memory. Some more changed at the last minute, 302 00:14:42.720 --> 00:14:45.440 shifted to Wednesdays or Fridays, always on the nights I worked. Later. 303 00:14:45.480 --> 00:14:48.919 I had client calls. Mark would say, tough week, everyone's 304 00:14:48.960 --> 00:14:52.519 got something. I'd smile, nod. But the architecture of Alfe 305 00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:55.799 felt warped. I messaged Raphaele under the guise of catching 306 00:14:55.879 --> 00:14:59.480 up something breezy and impersonal. He responded late, pleasant but brief. 307 00:15:00.039 --> 00:15:01.879 When I asked if he was coming to the next game, 308 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:04.840 he hesitated, claiming a light shift. I made a joke 309 00:15:04.840 --> 00:15:07.519 about Mark being harder to schedule than the Pope, whilf 310 00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:10.840 I al barely replied, then finally sent, sometimes Mark comes 311 00:15:10.840 --> 00:15:12.759 by on other nights. It's been weird. He should talk 312 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:15.480 to Mark directly. That phrase stuck the way he moved 313 00:15:15.480 --> 00:15:18.639 the conversation away from himself, that echo of guilt. I 314 00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:21.919 began looking for more evidence. I scrolled through old email 315 00:15:21.960 --> 00:15:24.240 threads between Mark and me found a handful of message 316 00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:27.919 notifications to a ja erron re Thursday. The snippets below 317 00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:30.240 the subject line reference to our tradition, choked about not 318 00:15:30.279 --> 00:15:32.200 letting any one else to snipe the want, teased about 319 00:15:32.200 --> 00:15:34.919 a running and joke involving dice and wine. I felt 320 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:36.879 a chill work its waigh up my spine, both relieved 321 00:15:36.919 --> 00:15:38.720 and horrified that my hunt was right there, hidden in 322 00:15:38.759 --> 00:15:42.120 plain sight. But it was never explicit, never damning on 323 00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:45.759 its own. It could mean anything. Emails about games and 324 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:49.519 running jokes not love letters or naked longing. I wanted more, 325 00:15:49.799 --> 00:15:53.320 needed more. I went through Mark's pockets again, the practical bits, 326 00:15:53.440 --> 00:15:56.080 receipts for Brew and Company on random days, more than 327 00:15:56.120 --> 00:15:59.519 once on Thursdays, but sometimes on Tuesdays and Fridays. The 328 00:15:59.559 --> 00:16:02.840 bills were always for two people, usually split desserts and lottes. 329 00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:06.120 I check his calendar. One private appointment every Thursday for 330 00:16:06.159 --> 00:16:10.679 six straight weeks, dinner slash downtime, never more specific. On 331 00:16:10.759 --> 00:16:13.279 my phone looking back, there was a cluster of group 332 00:16:13.320 --> 00:16:15.440 messages in which Mark would chime, and always from the 333 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:19.399 restaurants whiless My billing app recorded the loggins. On three occasions. 334 00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:21.639 The times marched up with supposed slate meetings at work, 335 00:16:21.759 --> 00:16:24.519 but also with game night froths tagged on Instagram photos 336 00:16:24.559 --> 00:16:27.320 where my friends looked slightly furtive smiles a little more strained. 337 00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:30.639 A could have questioned him, but the evidence still felt circumstantial. 338 00:16:31.240 --> 00:16:33.879 I told myself, don't destroy something over a half case. 339 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:37.080 May be there's an explanation. As I spiraled, my social 340 00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:40.480 group grew prickly. Ashley, who used to snap me daily updates, 341 00:16:40.519 --> 00:16:43.519 shrank from conversations. If I so much as mentioned Thursday nights. 342 00:16:44.279 --> 00:16:47.519 Bryan always garrulous now and at game nights, early begging 343 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:49.679 off with the text and long apology two hours later. 344 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.279 Raphaele became harder to reach, less likely to reply to 345 00:16:53.320 --> 00:16:57.080 random jerkes or commentary. The old lightness was gone. When 346 00:16:57.080 --> 00:16:58.919 we saw each other in person, each of them app 347 00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:00.679 did like they were handling a front agile secret, but 348 00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:03.759 terrified to break it. I turned my attention to practicalities, 349 00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:05.720 every day things, anything to take my mind off the 350 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:09.000 jagged edge inside my own home. I threw myself into work, 351 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:12.480 took long walks, scheduled yoga twice as often. Even then, 352 00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.799 I'd passed the Brew and Company window and wonder whether 353 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:16.920 Mark was seated at table five with some one else. 354 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:19.799 Mark was always careful. He double checked the locks when 355 00:17:19.839 --> 00:17:22.279 he left, folded his laundry, texted when he was running lay. 356 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.319 I started to watch the tiny gaps, how he lingered 357 00:17:25.319 --> 00:17:27.319 in the doorway after board game nights, the extra ten 358 00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:29.839 minutes in his car, answering emails, the way he'd smiled 359 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:31.480 with his mouth but not his eyes when I asked 360 00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:34.599 about the next game. One night, Growing restless, I called 361 00:17:34.640 --> 00:17:36.640 Natalie and asked her if she wanted to grab dinner. 362 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:40.000 She hesitated, then said, I'm actually doing something with Mark 363 00:17:40.039 --> 00:17:42.400 and you know the old crew. It was a slip. 364 00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:45.559 They usually only spent time together during game nights. Bo, 365 00:17:45.720 --> 00:17:47.880 do you mean ravile and Ashley? Is it a board night? 366 00:17:48.599 --> 00:17:51.759 I pressed voice as neutral as I could manage. Natalie 367 00:17:51.799 --> 00:17:56.119 went quiet, then laughed nervously. Nothing big, just m Mark 368 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:57.799 text as if he wants to play when he can't 369 00:17:57.799 --> 00:18:00.160 make Thursdays. It's been as thing late. They don't be mad. 370 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:02.599 She rushed the end and hung up, leaving me more 371 00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:05.920 unsettled than before. I tried steps closer to the truck 372 00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:08.039 to reaching out to Bryan, asking what the next make 373 00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:10.759 up game was schedule for. I don't know, haven't heard 374 00:18:10.799 --> 00:18:14.039 anything you okay, Tea replied a little too quickly. If 375 00:18:14.079 --> 00:18:15.880 I asked Ashley, o't writ she come up? I was 376 00:18:15.920 --> 00:18:18.799 sure of it. I found myself wanting to vent, but 377 00:18:18.960 --> 00:18:22.279 ensure who to trust. Instead. I rifled through the calendar 378 00:18:22.319 --> 00:18:25.200 once more, growing boulder in my snooping the events on 379 00:18:25.240 --> 00:18:28.039 Mark's worth calendar were recurring set for those day staff 380 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.519 dinners with vague location tags, but in my own iical 381 00:18:31.680 --> 00:18:33.680 there was no such of integer blank spaces or my 382 00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:37.359 own client calls. I realized he was managing two parallel 383 00:18:37.400 --> 00:18:40.640 sets of invites. The overlap was never complete. It was 384 00:18:40.680 --> 00:18:43.519 as if he'd hampered which friends to involve, when and how. 385 00:18:44.279 --> 00:18:46.440 His private life was like a blueprint being revised, co 386 00:18:46.519 --> 00:18:50.200 ordinates manipulated to produce the right intersections. I tried to 387 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:54.680 act normal. When Mack was home. Our routine continued, shared dinners, Netflix's, 388 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:57.119 trips to the market. He'd fill me in on work, 389 00:18:57.279 --> 00:18:59.880 sometimes in too much detail, but never mentioned which fra 390 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:02.519 ends he'd seen or how often. When I tried to 391 00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:04.880 bring it up gently, Raphael seems off lately, he'd kiss 392 00:19:04.920 --> 00:19:07.880 my temple and say you or overthinking it. Everyone's just stressed. 393 00:19:07.960 --> 00:19:11.160 It'll blow over. One night, I noticed Mark's phone buzz 394 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:13.720 with a notification from a Jay Baron. I saw it 395 00:19:13.759 --> 00:19:17.039 from across the table, quick and unobtrusive. He tilted the 396 00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:19.880 phone away thunder reply, then plays it face down between us. 397 00:19:20.519 --> 00:19:22.960 When I asked what it was, he chuckle, Just Jess 398 00:19:23.079 --> 00:19:25.640 lost our keys again. Poor girl. I'm helping her with 399 00:19:25.680 --> 00:19:28.440 her new least. She's totally helpless outside of work. His 400 00:19:28.519 --> 00:19:31.240 tone was apologetic, even maternal, as if helping the new 401 00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:34.400