WEBVTT 1 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:18.359 Welcome to grief. Let's make sense of this shit. I'm Dylan. 2 00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:22.480 Today we turn to anticipatory grief in cycle six, where 3 00:00:22.519 --> 00:00:25.079 the feelings arrive even though the loss itself has not 4 00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:28.559 happened yet. Those feelings count as grief because they carry 5 00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:30.879 the weight of what might come. We do not wait 6 00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:34.520 for an official loss to honor what already hurts inside. 7 00:00:34.640 --> 00:00:38.479 The single practice we will do today is grief calm breathing. 8 00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:42.320 This short ritual gives you a steady way to meet 9 00:00:42.359 --> 00:00:46.359 the waiting without forcing the feelings away. You can stay 10 00:00:46.600 --> 00:00:50.159 right where you are, let your feet rest on the floor, 11 00:00:50.679 --> 00:00:54.359 and your hands settle wherever they feel natural. There is 12 00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:58.000 no need to change your posture or clear your mind first, 13 00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:01.840 because the breath moves with you through every unknown hour. 14 00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:05.840 We start here. Notice the air as it enters and leaves. 15 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:08.599 Follow it for a few rounds without trying to slow 16 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:12.000 it down or fix anything. Meanwhile, the thoughts about what 17 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:14.959 might happen can stay in the background. They do not 18 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:19.359 need to lead the moment. However, the day has already unfolded. 19 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:23.319 This breathing stays available. It meets you in the middle 20 00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:26.280 of dread or fog without asking you to pretend the 21 00:01:26.400 --> 00:01:30.640 uncertainty has passed. Therefore we begin. Now, take a slow 22 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:33.359 breath in through your nose, hold it for a moment. 23 00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:36.959 If that feels steady, then release the air through your mouth. 24 00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:40.799 Repeat this cycle at your own pace while you listen. 25 00:01:41.920 --> 00:01:44.840 After the gentle rhythm of the breath settles, you can 26 00:01:44.879 --> 00:01:47.680 add a layer that helps when the unknown stretches ahead. 27 00:01:48.680 --> 00:01:52.079 Researchers at the Grief Research Institute found in their twenty 28 00:01:52.280 --> 00:01:56.519 twenty two study on daily reflection that putting words to 29 00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:00.519 the present moment brings a sense of steadiness. We will 30 00:02:00.599 --> 00:02:04.280 name three things you can control today. Pause now and 31 00:02:04.319 --> 00:02:07.319 think of the first one. Breathe in slowly for four 32 00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:10.800 counts and let it out for four counts. Now the second, 33 00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:15.039 another slow breath in and a full breath out. The 34 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:19.360 third comes next, one more breath to hold it gently. Next, 35 00:02:19.400 --> 00:02:23.360 we name three emotions present right now. They might feel mixed, 36 00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:27.080 and that is okay, because mixed feelings often arrive together 37 00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:30.280 in times of waiting. Say the first one to yourself 38 00:02:30.360 --> 00:02:33.120 without needing to change it. Breathe with it for four 39 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:37.319 counts in and four counts out. The second emotion arrives. Next, 40 00:02:37.879 --> 00:02:40.759 take that same breath again while you notice it. The 41 00:02:40.800 --> 00:02:45.080 third follows. Breathe once more to let it sit. Then 42 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:48.560 choose one small action you can take. It does not 43 00:02:48.719 --> 00:02:52.520 have to change everything, because small steps still count as movement. 44 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:57.680 Name it clearly to yourself, Breathe in and out to market. 45 00:02:58.840 --> 00:03:01.719 We repeat the whole sequence once more, this time with 46 00:03:01.840 --> 00:03:06.120 eyes closed. If that feels right, start again with three 47 00:03:06.199 --> 00:03:10.360 things you can control. Breathe between each one while you 48 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:13.439 name them. Then move to the three emotions with the 49 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:17.439 same breaths between. Finish with the one action and a 50 00:03:17.479 --> 00:03:22.080 closing breath. Because this practice uses the breath we started with, 51 00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:25.120 it creates a loop that keeps you anchored without forcing 52 00:03:25.159 --> 00:03:28.680 anything away. The mechanism works by turning attention to what 53 00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:32.080 is here instead of what might come. In other words, 54 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:35.120 it interrupts the swirl of what ifs by focusing on 55 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:39.280 what is Meanwhile, the repeated breaths between steps give your 56 00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:43.039 body time to register each name without rushing. Therefore, the 57 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:45.719 whole thing stays under five minutes and fits into a 58 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:49.159 morning or an afternoon when the waiting feels heavy. Although 59 00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:51.560 the names may shift each time you try it, the 60 00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:55.280 structure stays the same, so you always know what comes next. 61 00:03:55.800 --> 00:03:59.120 Since the studies showed daily reflection like this supports steadiness 62 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:03.120 over time, the value builds with repetition rather than one 63 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:07.120 perfect try. While you move through the names, you might 64 00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:10.960 notice some feel easier than others, and that difference itself 65 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:14.400 tells you something useful. However, you do not need to 66 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:18.560 judge what surfaces, because the point is simply to name it. Instead, 67 00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:21.720 the act of speaking the words, even quietly, creates a 68 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:25.040 small distance from the swirl. On top of that, the 69 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:27.480 one action you choose can serve as a bridge from 70 00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:30.959 the breath into the next hour. Actually, many people find 71 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:33.959 that after the second round with eyes closed, the name's 72 00:04:34.040 --> 00:04:38.639 land with more clarity than the first round. Ultimately, this 73 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:42.879 becomes your grief present moment, naming a micro ritual you 74 00:04:42.920 --> 00:04:46.360 can return to whenever the day brings that fog of uncertainty. 75 00:04:47.279 --> 00:04:50.240 Since we have walked through it once, you now have 76 00:04:50.360 --> 00:04:53.959 the steps ready for whenever you need them next. The 77 00:04:54.000 --> 00:04:57.399 sequence works because it pairs the breath with simple naming 78 00:04:57.839 --> 00:05:00.199 and then repeats the pair, so the mind has two 79 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:04.279 chances to settle. Therefore, you can carry the same pattern 80 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:09.439 into other moments without needing new instructions. Although anticipatory grief 81 00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:12.959 often pulls attention forward, this naming pulls it back to 82 00:05:13.000 --> 00:05:16.279 what remains possible right now. In fact, the study at 83 00:05:16.279 --> 00:05:20.639 the Grief Research Institute highlighted how such daily reflection reduces 84 00:05:20.680 --> 00:05:24.639 the sense of being swept along. Meanwhile, the choice of 85 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:28.600 one action keeps the practice grounded in something doable rather 86 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:32.360 than abstract. Because the breath sit between every step, they 87 00:05:32.360 --> 00:05:35.920 prevent the mind from racing through the names too quickly. Therefore, 88 00:05:35.959 --> 00:05:38.839 the full round stays slow and guiding, even when your 89 00:05:38.839 --> 00:05:42.079 thoughts want to speed up. Since the exercise ends with 90 00:05:42.120 --> 00:05:45.079 that single action, it leaves you with one concrete thing 91 00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:48.639 to carry forward instead of an open list. You can 92 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:51.199 use grief present moment naming in the morning before the 93 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.600 day unfolds, or in the afternoon when the waiting grows loud. 94 00:05:55.199 --> 00:05:58.720 While the breath we began with supports the naming, the 95 00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:01.360 naming in turn makes the breath feel more connected to 96 00:06:01.399 --> 00:06:04.360 the moment. In other words, the two practices support each 97 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:07.800 other without either one needing to replace the other. Although 98 00:06:07.800 --> 00:06:10.040 you might want to add your own words later. The 99 00:06:10.040 --> 00:06:14.000 basic structure of three controls, three emotions and one action 100 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:18.079 keeps it simple enough to remember. Because the repeat happens 101 00:06:18.199 --> 00:06:22.680 with eyes closed, the second round often feels quieter and 102 00:06:22.800 --> 00:06:27.079 more internal than the first. Therefore, some people prefer to 103 00:06:27.160 --> 00:06:30.279 keep their eyes closed for both rounds once they know 104 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:34.480 the steps. Since the whole practice stays short, it works 105 00:06:34.519 --> 00:06:38.560 even on days when focus feels scattered. In fact, the 106 00:06:38.600 --> 00:06:42.839 study found that brief daily reflection like this builds steadiness 107 00:06:42.839 --> 00:06:46.600 over weeks rather than in a single sitting. You now 108 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:50.040 have grief present moment naming as a five minute ritual 109 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:54.879 tied to any time the unknown presses close. This approach 110 00:06:55.000 --> 00:06:58.879 works because the breathing creates a pause between what sits 111 00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:01.680 right in front of you and the worries that stretch 112 00:07:01.680 --> 00:07:05.279 into tomorrow. While the breath moves through your body, you 113 00:07:05.399 --> 00:07:08.759 stay connected to the present moment, rather than the endless 114 00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:12.639 string of what if questions that anticipatory grief often brings. 115 00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:17.439 Naming three emotions right after that pause reduces the mental 116 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:20.199 loop because it brings those vague fears into words you 117 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.720 can hold for a moment instead of letting them spin unchecked. 118 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:27.399 Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found in their two 119 00:07:27.439 --> 00:07:31.279 thousand and eighteen study that naming feelings in This way 120 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:35.920 lowers the intensity of those forward pulling thoughts and makes 121 00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.920 room for clarity. Because you then choose one small action, 122 00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:44.600 the practice moves you from the swirl of possibilities into 123 00:07:44.600 --> 00:07:49.240 something concrete you can actually do to day. A study 124 00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:52.360 published by Lindemann in one thousand, nine hundred forty four 125 00:07:52.920 --> 00:07:56.600 showed how anticipatory grief tends to blend rising anxiety with 126 00:07:56.680 --> 00:08:00.439 a heavier mood when the future feels uncertain. Yet the 127 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:03.800 simple act of naming and acting interrupts that pattern before 128 00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:08.480 it deepens. The sequence therefore keeps you anchored in current reality, 129 00:08:08.920 --> 00:08:12.000 rather than letting future fears crowd out what is already here, 130 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:15.600 although the unknown still waits ahead. This loop gives you 131 00:08:15.680 --> 00:08:17.560 a way to return to what you can touch and 132 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:22.120 influence right now. Meanwhile, the closed eyes version adds another 133 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:24.560 layer of focus that helps the mind stay with the 134 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.480 three emotions and the chosen action instead of drifting back 135 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:33.000 into speculation. Since anticipatory grief often feeds on those what 136 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:36.759 if cycles, the naming step breaks the momentum, and the 137 00:08:36.799 --> 00:08:41.279 small action replaces helplessness with a single step forward. You 138 00:08:41.320 --> 00:08:43.799 can repeat the whole practice each morning before the day 139 00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:47.080 begins or again in the evening, when the quiet hours 140 00:08:47.120 --> 00:08:50.879 make the unknown feel louder. Over time, this daily rhythm 141 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:53.799 builds a steady habit that separates what is real from 142 00:08:53.840 --> 00:08:56.799 what has not arrived yet. You can return to this 143 00:08:56.919 --> 00:09:00.720 sequence of grief calm breathing, followed by naming three emotions 144 00:09:01.080 --> 00:09:04.960 and choosing one small action whenever the waiting stretches out again. 145 00:09:05.639 --> 00:09:08.279 The loop stays available because the breath moves with you 146 00:09:08.399 --> 00:09:13.639 through every unknown hour. After you finish, try noticing one 147 00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:17.080 thing that felt different. Maybe the swirl in your chest 148 00:09:17.200 --> 00:09:19.559 settled for a moment, or the next step in your 149 00:09:19.639 --> 00:09:23.759 day became clearer than it had been. That small shift 150 00:09:23.799 --> 00:09:28.000 belongs to you, even if it fades later. Anticipatory grief 151 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:31.159 asks a lot when the loss has not happened yet yet. 152 00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:33.679 You do not need to judge how it arrives or 153 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:37.600 how long it stays. Permission lives here for whatever shows up, 154 00:09:37.639 --> 00:09:41.279 without forcing it into a neater shape. If this podcast 155 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:43.879 helps you make sense of your grief, join our supporters 156 00:09:43.919 --> 00:09:47.279 club and help us keep these conversations going. You will 157 00:09:47.320 --> 00:09:51.519 find the link in the episode description. Meanwhile, the closed 158 00:09:51.559 --> 00:09:54.679 eyes version of the practice can add focus the next 159 00:09:54.679 --> 00:09:58.559 time you reach for it. The whole sequence creates space 160 00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:02.519 between the unknown a head and the one concrete thing 161 00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:06.120 you can touch today. Because the breath leads and the 162 00:10:06.159 --> 00:10:10.720 action follows, the mind has somewhere steady to rest, instead 163 00:10:10.720 --> 00:10:14.559 of drifting through every possibility. You get to use this 164 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:18.080 whenever it fits, without any requirement that it solved the 165 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:23.159 larger ache. Some days the three emotions will come quickly, 166 00:10:23.519 --> 00:10:27.960 while other days they might need more room. Either way, 167 00:10:28.200 --> 00:10:31.639 the choice of one small action keeps the practice grounded 168 00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:33.600 in what is possible right now.