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Speaker 1: Oh my god, Hi, what's up, besties? How we doing? Uh?

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It's your girl, It's mother. It is a shell of mother. Listen,

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I'm coming to you from a hotel room in New

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York City, sitting in a cup chair. Everything is going

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exactly as planned. This is exactly how my life. I

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envisioned my life when I was a little girl. I

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was like, you know what, when I turned thirty seven,

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I am gonna go through. Not only will I already

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be divorced and for a while, I'll be happy. I

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will have been divorced for a while, but I will

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have also met what I thought was my second husband.

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And then right around my birthday, a few weeks after

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my dog died, I'm gonna find out that man ain't

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my fucking man. And that's what I thought was gonna

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be going on. And I thought, you know, when I

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was a little girl and I was drawing my life,

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I thought, you know what I'm gonna be doing at

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the age of thirty seven, I'm gonna be looking at

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a three hundred square foot apartment in New York City

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that also somehow costs five thousand dollars. I mean, you guys,

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I'm getting into it. Obviously, I'm getting into it. I'm

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gonna tell you everything I can while still maintaining some

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level of respect for the relationship I was just in

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even though like that didn't really that wasn't really reciprocated

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in any capacity at all. Yeah, I have been in

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New York for the last week. Oh you guys. I

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always do this. I have to promote my shows. You guys,

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if you're in Raleigh or you're in Nashville, come to

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my fucking shows, because now you know what, here's the

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good thing. When there's a lot of pain in my life,

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that's when I make my best fucking jokes. Like the

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actual formula for comedy is tragedy plus time equals comedy

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and has time passed? Probably not enough, but telling you

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of these jokes are gonna fulling slap, So come with me.

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I'm going to be in Raleigh on June seventeenth and

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Nashville on June eighteenth. I think either that or it's

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the eighteenth and the nineteenth. I need to get better

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at this and I will, and I promise I will.

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The next tour I go on. I'm not technically on tour.

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This is just like two dates that I was supposed

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to do earlier this year. They got rescheduled because the

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trees were exploding, and I feel like, honestly, that was

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a harbinger of what was about to come. The exploding

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trees in Nashville was a bit of an omen about

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what was about to go on in my life. I'll

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be honest, So I would love to see you guys

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at those shows. Please come. I'm in the middle of

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like a crazy fucking time in my life. I have

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spent the last week in New York City looking for apartments.

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I am going to move to New York City. You know,

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New York has been one of those cities to me

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always that like I've been afraid of. It's really loud,

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it's really smelly, there's a lot of people, there's a

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lot of intense energy, and it's always kind of like

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spooked me a little bit. And you know, it's so

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funny because I've I've always preached like your fear is

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a compass, right, Like anything you're afraid of is actually

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what you need to go do because there's something waiting

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for you on the other side of fear. There's always

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something waiting for you on the other side of fear,

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and I believe that in my bones to be true.

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And I've been afraid in New York for a long time.

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I think, you know, the comedy scene is intimidating the

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I feel like a very very small fish in a

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big pond. I might not even be a fish. I

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might be a fucking tadpole. I might be like a

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micro organism living on the bottom of a shell in

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this pond, in this hypothetical pond that has shells, because

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now it's the ocean. You guys, just bear with me,

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Bear with me. Okay, my life is on fire, my

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pants are on fire, everything. And here's the thing. It's

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so crazy because like this year has been objectively a

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kick in the fucking teeth, Like it was like I

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put my mouth on a curb and God fucking curb

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stomped me, Like you was just like no. And I

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do fully believe in God's plan. I believe in universal guidance.

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I believe in universal direction. Like at this point in

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my life, I've had so many things go like quote

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unquote wrong or be like devastating and painful that never

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in my life has anything ever gone like horribly wrong

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that didn't lead to something amazing right, so very I'm

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very much in the practice of the Chinese farmer right now.

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I'm just like I know, I know something better is coming.

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And if you guys haven't heard me talk about the

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Chinese farmer, now is the perfect time for me to

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talk about it, because it really applies. So there's a

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parable by Alan Watts. I think it was by Alan Watts.

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It might be just accredited to Alan Watts for some reason,

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but it's a parable about the Chinese farmer, and it's

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about he has a bunch of horses and one of

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the horses runs away, and his neighbor comes over, or

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he has one horse sorry, and the horse runs away,

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and his neighbor comes over and was like, what bad luck,

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what bad fortune? And the Chinese farmer says, we'll see.

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And then the next day the horse comes back and

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he brings a pack of wild horses, and the neighbors

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come over and they say, what great portune, and he's like,

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well see, you know. And then the next day his

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son is trying to train one of the wild horses.

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He falls off and he breaks his leg, and the

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neighbors come over and they say, oh, what bad fortune.

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And he says, we'll see, and then the next day,

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the draft, the military draft comes over to take his

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son to war, but he's ineligible because his leg is broken.

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So the point of that is that, like horrible things

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can happen or really great things can happen, and they

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always evolve into something else. There's always a bigger picture.

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There's always a bigger plan that we don't necessarily see.

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There's never been a time in my life where I

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haven't gone through inordinate amounts of pain and come out

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as stronger and better person. Like some examples that come

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to my mind immediately are like when I was in

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the pits of my alcoholism and I got my DUI

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and I went to jail, I had to go to

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jail for thirty days, and I got that DUI. In Arizona,

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it's a zero tolerance state, and ten days is their

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minimum sentence. So if you have like a beer and

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drive in Arizona and you get caught, it's a ten

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day jail sentence. That's what it was in twenty eleven

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or twenty twelve when I got mine. It might have

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changed since then. And I had more than that, and

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I drank and I drove and I had to go

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to jail for thirty days, and that was like one

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of the darker times of my life. I just remember

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feeling so angry. I just felt like the crime didn't

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match the punishment. And I was really really committed to

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my alcoholism at that time, and I really could not

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ever accept a world where it was punishable by law

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that I drank a little bit, that I fucking impartied. Okay,

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now the police want to get involved. I was like,

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you fucking narks. So like, it was a dark time

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in my life, and I was broke, like I couldn't

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I had no money, I had to sell my car

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to pay for jail. I just was in a really

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really dark place. But because I did that and I

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went to jail, what happened is I was working at

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an ad agency and the guy who's had a cross

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for me had just started doing comedy and he was

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going to quit advertising to do comedy full time. And

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he told me before he left, He's like, listen, you

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probably need therapy right now. You know you're in like

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a really dark place, but I know you can't afford it.

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He's like, so you should really try stand up. He's like,

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you're funny, and he's like, you know, pain makes for

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the best humor, so you should give it a shot.

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And that's how I started doing stand up like that,

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And the first night, you know, I did this writing

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course that he recommended to me. And then the first

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night I did stand up was to this day the

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best night of my life. It was I was sober.

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I wasn't sober from alcohol totally at the time, but

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the teacher made instructions where he said, you cannot drink

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or use during this course at all. You had to

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like sign a piece of paper and agreement saying when

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you perform you can't be drunk whatever. And so I

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was clear headed during this entire experience. And what happened

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that first night I did stand up was the closest

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thing to feeling connected to source that I've ever felt

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in my entire life. Was the moment I knew what

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I was put on this earth to do, and it

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was so beautiful and it was so powerful. Unfortunately, I

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was still very much in the disease of my alcoholism,

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and I wasn't able to commit to stand up in

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the way that you know, I wish retrospectively I would have.

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But again, like, every single thing happens for a reason,

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and just because I'm going through an extraordinary amount of

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pain doesn't mean that something great isn't on the other side.

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And you know, another thing I can think of is

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my mom's death. So my mom killed herself a few

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days before my wedding, and that's not great, like on paper,

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objectively pretty shocking. But you know, my relationship with alcohol

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was so closely tied to my relationship with my mother.

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I drank at my mom. My mom told me from

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a very young age, like, you're gonna be an alcoholic

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just like your father. You're gonna ruin your life, You're

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gonna kill yourself. You're gonna da da dada. And I

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was like, I'll fucking show you an alcoholic bitch. So

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I drank at her, and I drank an inordinate amount.

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Like I when I first started drinking, you guys, I

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would drink an entire bottle of Parrot Bay rum to myself.

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The friends would be getting the booze and they're like,

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what do you want. I was like a whole bottle

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of rum. They're like, oh, that's great, we can share it.

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I'm like, I, ah, it's for me, and I can

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continue to drink that way. It's not impressive or cool.

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It's just how I drank, Like when I got to college.

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By the time I got to college, Jamison was my

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drink of choice. I was drinking a whole bottle at

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Jamison before I went out. I also Bacardi dragon Berry

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was in there. At one point. I would drink a

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whole It was never just like, oh, she's gonna have

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two or three tris. It was the whole bottle, like

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shot for shot, pull for pull. I would I remember

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one time like just chugging it like it was water

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and I just finished a marathon and I just thought

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to myself, like while I was hugging, and I was like, iikes, girl,

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But I didn't. I wasn't ready to stop. And you know,

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so much of my drinking was an elaborate performance art

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piece at my mom, you know, to be like, look,

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I can drink and I and have this big, beautiful

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life that you weren't capable of having. So it was

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it was so much of it was drinking to spite her.

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And you know, even when I got to a point

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in my late twenties when my mom was still alive

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and I felt like, ooh, this might be killing me,

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you know, because I added things to the mix, like

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coke and molly, and I wasn't the fun drunk I

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used to be. I got like nasty when I did coke.

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I was really mean, I like burned some bridges with friends.

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I just wasn't somebody that was like a cool, fun

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party girl anymore. Which like I was able to like

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manage that for a long time before the drugs were introduced.

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But I felt it just taking away from me in

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some sense, and me waking up and not knowing what

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happened the night before. I mean, you know, I just

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didn't love the way it was making me feel. But

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I was never gonna stop because my mom was alive

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and I wanted to prove to her I can fucking

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do this and you can't do this. When she killed herself,

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one of the first things I felt was relief. I

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felt relief not only because I knew she was finally

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gonna be free. I knew that she never experienced peace

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a day in her life on this earth, and I

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knew she was finally free from whatever had plagged her,

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which I would find out later. You know, I did

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a lot of work on that and I did find

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out what the fuck plagued her, and it was like

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not fucking great. But you know, I have such a

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profound relationship with my mom now I love her so much.

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Now my my sobriety from alcohol is because of my mom.

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And you know, I'm I go back and forth between

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full sobriety. I have had six years of full, complete

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abstinence from everything I have. Where am I at my

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sobriety I'm almost I'm running up on Oh well, I'm

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running up on nine years this year. So like most

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of the time I have been totally sober, there are

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times where I go back and forth and weed mushrooms.

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You guys know that I tell you guys that I'm

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not lying too about anything. I have pretty much quit

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00:11:57,639 --> 00:11:59,759
smoking weed because I'm just like, I don't need something

241
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,600
that gives me anxiety or makes me feel anything other

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than what I'm feeling right now. And like, one thing

243
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I will say about my relationship with my sobriety is

244
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that I tend to do mushrooms and smoke a little

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00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:13,080
weed when things are going well and I feel safe

246
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,159
and secure, and when shit hits the fan, I am

247
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:22,480
always like white knuckling, fucking sober. I am going. I'm

248
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,720
not always going to meetings, but I am more involved

249
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,879
in the program, and I am I am living in

250
00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,399
full sobriety. When shit hits the fan, which if you

251
00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:33,360
guys didn't, if you can't tell, right now shit has

252
00:12:33,399 --> 00:12:34,960
hit the fan, I'm in a fucking cuck chair at

253
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,600
a w in Union Square, like this is not where

254
00:12:37,639 --> 00:12:38,759
I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be

255
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:42,080
in the Hamptons this weekend with my now ex boyfriend

256
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:46,000
like this, this isn't This wasn't the plan. But you

257
00:12:46,039 --> 00:12:48,000
know what, make a plan and God will laugh. We

258
00:12:48,039 --> 00:12:50,960
had great plans all summer, and listen, those great plans

259
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,240
are like very tempting, Like it is very tempting to

260
00:12:53,279 --> 00:12:55,279
stay in a situation when you have like a really

261
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,240
fun couple of months coming up. We were supposed to

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00:12:57,279 --> 00:12:59,360
go to Italy and we're supposed to go to Saint

263
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,279
Bart's and we had like fun shit to do. But

264
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,879
like life happened, and now I am pivoting and I

265
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,519
am looking for a place in New York. And I

266
00:13:08,679 --> 00:13:12,759
know I know that no matter how painful this is,

267
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:16,960
something wonderful is on the other side. I know that

268
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,879
there's no way God gave me this year just to

269
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spite me. Okay, you guys, this week's sponsor is once

270
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,080
again Berber Hair Oil. And you guys, I have my

271
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:29,679
hair like down down, like you can actually see how

272
00:13:29,759 --> 00:13:32,559
much hair I have right now. It's so nice. And listen,

273
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,080
I did just go through a breakup, so there's a

274
00:13:34,159 --> 00:13:36,960
chance I chop it off, But like, my hair is

275
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,000
strong and thick and it's growing and I'm so happy.

276
00:13:40,039 --> 00:13:42,039
And it takes time. It really does take time. It

277
00:13:42,039 --> 00:13:45,279
doesn't happen overnight. But I love my hair and that's

278
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,879
all thanks to Berber hair Oil. Even you know, my

279
00:13:47,919 --> 00:13:50,240
hair was longer before, it was fuller. Before it was

280
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,320
like probably down to here and it was fuller. But

281
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,120
the thing is, my hair is going back healthier and

282
00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,879
I can feel it. It's thicker, and I am so

283
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,159
happy that I'm on this journey, journey with Berber, and

284
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,679
I hope you come on it with me too. You know,

285
00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,120
it's the it's the hair oil. You put it on

286
00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:05,919
the roots of your hair twice a week, three times

287
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,720
if you can, after you do the Derma roller and

288
00:14:08,799 --> 00:14:11,279
then you know, I have like a little massage brush

289
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,360
too that I got and it's really luxurious and it

290
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,080
feels like such a form of self care. And I

291
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,080
hope you know, if for no other reason, you guys,

292
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,039
take a moment to just give yourself a little love

293
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:22,639
massage your a little head. Don't forget about your head

294
00:14:22,639 --> 00:14:26,679
and you know it needs some love too. But yeah,

295
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,759
go to Burber dot com br bur dot com use

296
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297
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,399
and I hope you thank me later, because honestly, Berber

298
00:14:36,519 --> 00:14:39,799
is fucking amazing. All right, Love be besties. Our sponsor

299
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300
00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:45,720
been talking about the Happy Caps mushroom chocolates and they

301
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:50,039
are divine. I went to a shabbat this week in

302
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,919
New York and I brought a Happy Cabs bar and

303
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,919
I was the most popular person at shabbat and I'm

304
00:14:53,919 --> 00:14:57,559
not even Jewish, so that was pretty cool. But yeah,

305
00:14:57,559 --> 00:15:01,600
these Happy Caps mushroom bars are incredible. They are like

306
00:15:01,679 --> 00:15:05,159
a light, easy, little buzz if that's what you want

307
00:15:05,159 --> 00:15:06,159
it to be, and if you want it to be

308
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,279
something else, it can be something else. You can go

309
00:15:08,279 --> 00:15:10,720
on whatever journey you choose to go on, check your dosing.

310
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,960
Make sure you know you're dosing. Don't freak the fuck out.

311
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,679
Don't be the weird person at the party who has

312
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,559
to fucking leave, or they're just looking out their hands

313
00:15:16,559 --> 00:15:18,279
in the corner. They're like, oh my god, there's so

314
00:15:18,279 --> 00:15:20,799
many veins in my legs. Like, don't be that guy.

315
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,240
Just like, know your dose, enjoy the ride, and go

316
00:15:23,279 --> 00:15:26,960
to Happy cabswallness dot com. Uh. The shop passcode is

317
00:15:27,039 --> 00:15:30,240
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318
00:15:30,279 --> 00:15:34,960
with HCW twenty. Go get your mushies. It's hot girl,

319
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,360
summer baby. We're having some fucking fun, all right, love

320
00:15:38,399 --> 00:15:43,840
you besties. Oyay, Sorry, sorry, my camera died because I'm

321
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,799
not an adult. No, actually I ran out of storage

322
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,519
and then I had to chat ept. How do I

323
00:15:47,639 --> 00:15:50,720
fucking get this? I hate being an adult. I miss Mike.

324
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,559
All right, that's what's going on with my life. Anyway,

325
00:15:53,559 --> 00:15:56,879
back to Palm Beach. Not being fucking it for your girl.

326
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,919
I would love for one of you, if you're bored

327
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,840
and you don't have anything else going on, to just

328
00:16:02,919 --> 00:16:05,720
do a smash cut between me. Before I moved to

329
00:16:05,759 --> 00:16:07,600
Palm Beach, when I was like, I'm in love and

330
00:16:07,639 --> 00:16:09,720
I'm really excited for a change of peace, and I

331
00:16:09,759 --> 00:16:12,000
think it's gonna be great. We have a beautiful apartment

332
00:16:13,759 --> 00:16:17,000
to fucking smash cut like three months later, like that

333
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:24,559
SpongeBob square p oh, oh my god, SpongeBob square pants

334
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:28,440
where it's like three minutes later, I'm just like, my

335
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:31,919
designers robbed me my plate studio clothes, my dog died,

336
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:35,240
and my boyfriend cheated on me, fucking Hong Kong on

337
00:16:35,279 --> 00:16:39,600
my motherfucking clown nose. God forbid a girl be excited

338
00:16:39,639 --> 00:16:42,600
about anything. You know, this is my lesson to never

339
00:16:42,759 --> 00:16:48,159
be fucking excited. I'm good on that. I'm done on excitement. No,

340
00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:51,879
I'm just kidding, Listen. I do still Drew, like truly

341
00:16:51,919 --> 00:16:54,440
believe God's plan is perfect, even if it's painful, like

342
00:16:55,080 --> 00:17:00,559
really really actually, you know, I've had this discussion with

343
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,279
my ex, like the maybe he was just what I

344
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:07,160
needed to get me out of LA and maybe I

345
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,799
wouldn't have done that if I didn't fall like super

346
00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:11,839
in love with someone. And I think there's like a

347
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,680
lot of lessons for me to learn, there's a lot

348
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,880
of lessons for him to learn. That's for sure, but

349
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,839
there's definitely lessons for me to learn too, Like there

350
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,640
were times early on in this relationship when I had

351
00:17:22,759 --> 00:17:26,039
bad gut feelings about things. And I've talked about gut

352
00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:28,799
feelings before on this podcast about how if you don't

353
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,960
follow your gut, it will explode in your face. And

354
00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:36,359
I think it's really challenging. And I'm gonna speak from

355
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:38,839
personal experience here and maybe some of you guys will

356
00:17:38,839 --> 00:17:40,599
be able to relate, and maybe you guys will think

357
00:17:40,599 --> 00:17:42,720
I'm a fucking idiot, and either way, I don't care.

358
00:17:42,759 --> 00:17:45,519
I'm telling you the truth. This is like my experience

359
00:17:45,559 --> 00:17:48,839
with this situation is that there were things early on

360
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,279
in the relationship where I was like, uh, those are

361
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:55,559
red flags, following a bunch of Horizon instagram liking their pictures,

362
00:17:55,680 --> 00:18:00,200
going out late, having after hours with random girls, Like,

363
00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:03,599
there was definitely red flags. Okay, I just threw them

364
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,920
in the wash with a little bleach and I made

365
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,680
them light pink, and I was like, and now they're

366
00:18:07,759 --> 00:18:11,559
kind of cute. Right now. It's like a bandana. We

367
00:18:11,559 --> 00:18:13,640
can wear it on our head when it's a warm day.

368
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,319
We can wear this pink bandana on our head in

369
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:18,319
Paris when we go to Paris with him on the

370
00:18:18,359 --> 00:18:24,799
third date. No, there were red flags that I ignored because

371
00:18:24,839 --> 00:18:27,480
I was madly in love with this person, Like I

372
00:18:27,519 --> 00:18:29,680
followed my heart instead of my gut. And may that

373
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:32,920
be my lesson. Because here's the thing about women, right,

374
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:37,559
we are witches. Our intuition always knows, we always know.

375
00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,519
And here's the thing. I'm not going to get into

376
00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:42,319
a ton of details on the this part of the podcast.

377
00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:44,440
I am going to get into like the details on

378
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,079
the Patreon because like that's what we do over there,

379
00:18:46,079 --> 00:18:48,839
we fucking Kiki and I spill the beans. I'm trying

380
00:18:48,839 --> 00:18:54,519
to operate from a place of integrity for a person

381
00:18:54,559 --> 00:18:56,400
that I have a ton of love for still and

382
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:02,599
I hope he figures it out. But what I will say,

383
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,359
I don't regret it. I will say that I don't

384
00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:09,400
regret it. I think if I had, you know, when

385
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,039
he said he was moving to Palm Beach and I

386
00:19:11,039 --> 00:19:13,240
had the chance to either break up with him or

387
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:16,119
move with him because long distance was not working for us,

388
00:19:16,799 --> 00:19:20,519
I'm glad I moved. I'm glad I like I firmly

389
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:23,480
believe that when you love is so rare, and when

390
00:19:23,519 --> 00:19:25,960
you find it, you have to follow it. You have

391
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,039
to follow it. And how lucky am I that I

392
00:19:30,079 --> 00:19:33,119
got the chance to be in love, like truly, truly,

393
00:19:34,079 --> 00:19:38,000
very in love. And whether or not that person was

394
00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:40,400
giving me the kind of commitment and respect I was

395
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,759
giving them almost is irrelevant because I know how I

396
00:19:43,799 --> 00:19:46,519
showed up in that relationship, and it was one hundred

397
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:50,119
and ten percent. I was one hundred and ten percent in.

398
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,200
I was ten toes down. I moved my ass to

399
00:19:52,279 --> 00:19:55,960
Palm Beach. I gave up my my community in LA

400
00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:01,640
and my career, which was not smart. But I also

401
00:20:01,759 --> 00:20:04,720
like needed a break. I deeply needed a break from comedy.

402
00:20:04,759 --> 00:20:07,640
I deeply needed to like heal a little bit, and

403
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,039
I thought I would be able to do it there,

404
00:20:09,079 --> 00:20:11,880
and like I unfortunately was not able to because the

405
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,880
world just truly fucking kicked my ass when I got there.

406
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,599
You know, I think again, like the designers robbing me

407
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,000
were like a harbinger of like what was to come.

408
00:20:21,799 --> 00:20:24,880
And it's like, oh, your friend's betrayed you and stole

409
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:29,480
money from you, that becomes not even significant when your

410
00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:32,519
dog dies that has like you know, that was my

411
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,720
soul dog who'd been with me through everything. And it's

412
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,160
so funny because a lot of you guys were like,

413
00:20:37,359 --> 00:20:39,279
after Biggie passed, They're like, you know, he knew you

414
00:20:39,359 --> 00:20:41,160
found the love of your life and that you were

415
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,559
it was safe to let you go. I'm like, I

416
00:20:43,599 --> 00:20:45,599
think I know Biggie better than that. I think Biggie

417
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,119
knew what the fuck was going on. Here's the thing.

418
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,039
Old Bro had a fucking privacy screen on his phone,

419
00:20:52,079 --> 00:20:54,559
and I couldn't see what he was doing, but uh,

420
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,880
Biggie could. Biggie would get all up in there and

421
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,400
look and he was like, oh, shit's about to fucking

422
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,440
hit the fan. I gotta go. He's like, I can't.

423
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,880
I can't be with her through another breakup. That was

424
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,119
too much work. He's just drank too many tears. He

425
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:10,599
got dehydrated from the saltiness. Like it was just you know,

426
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,599
he would always lick my tears. But I will tell

427
00:21:12,599 --> 00:21:14,720
you this, like when I was in the middle of it,

428
00:21:14,759 --> 00:21:16,279
and I'm still in the middle of it, I'm still

429
00:21:16,279 --> 00:21:18,240
going through it. But like when I had just found

430
00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:20,200
what I found in the phone that I didn't like,

431
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,759
and none of you would like, by the way, nobody

432
00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:29,000
would like what I found I had never felt so

433
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,480
alone in my life like I at one point. Because

434
00:21:33,519 --> 00:21:36,000
when I do go through heartbreak or when I do

435
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:39,640
have you know, big losses, I always had Biggie, Like

436
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,599
he was always there. I could always cuddle him. I

437
00:21:41,599 --> 00:21:44,039
always knew he's gonna like lick the tears off my face.

438
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,759
And when I kicked him out of the house, not Biggie,

439
00:21:47,799 --> 00:21:51,640
obviously he left on his own accord. Uh. When I

440
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:55,440
kicked my ex out of the house, it was just

441
00:21:55,519 --> 00:21:59,920
me and the crashing reality that like my world is

442
00:22:00,039 --> 00:22:01,960
falling apart, like the world that I was trying to

443
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,599
build is falling apart, and I don't have my dog,

444
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:10,200
And I was like rocking in the fetal position, scream crying,

445
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,799
and I just felt so sad and so alone. It

446
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,359
was like it was a loneliness and a pain that

447
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:21,160
like I wish on no one, and it just felt

448
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:25,359
so dark, like my friends aren't there, my partner who

449
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,400
I moved there to build a life with, like I

450
00:22:28,519 --> 00:22:30,799
thought that was my next husband. Like I don't really

451
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:35,000
date casually, and maybe that's something I need to start doing.

452
00:22:35,079 --> 00:22:37,880
But like I date, like I show up in relationships

453
00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:41,519
as a wife fully, I make a home, I provide

454
00:22:41,559 --> 00:22:48,920
emotional support. I do everything in meaningful partnerships. And I've

455
00:22:49,039 --> 00:22:51,799
only had one other meaningful partnership, and that person was

456
00:22:51,799 --> 00:22:55,559
my husband, my now ex husband, And this person I

457
00:22:55,559 --> 00:22:57,400
thought was going to be my husband. And you know,

458
00:22:57,839 --> 00:22:59,559
I could blame it on his age, but I honestly

459
00:22:59,559 --> 00:23:01,519
don't want to, because I think that's a cop out.

460
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,799
I think, you know, I was thinking of myself at

461
00:23:04,839 --> 00:23:07,039
twenty seven, or you know, he's about to be twenty eight.

462
00:23:08,319 --> 00:23:09,880
I was thinking to myself then, and I was like,

463
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,799
what kind of partner was I? What kind of person

464
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:16,400
was I? And I was engaged and I was a

465
00:23:16,559 --> 00:23:19,440
wonderful partner and I drank a lot, but that didn't

466
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,640
make me a bad partner. I think when you use

467
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,839
the excuse of drinking as a reason that you're a

468
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,400
bad partner, maybe you're just covering up what your actual

469
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,559
character is. And I think maybe you don't have a

470
00:23:30,559 --> 00:23:33,640
ton of integrity, and that's okay, like a lot of

471
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,559
people don't. And I don't think he's really the the

472
00:23:37,599 --> 00:23:40,480
prototype of person that would have a ton of integrity.

473
00:23:41,839 --> 00:23:45,039
But it's unfortunate. It's unfortunate that, like you know, I

474
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,599
got very, very very very very badly hurt in this.

475
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:53,480
And I also, here's the thing, So there's a girl

476
00:23:53,519 --> 00:23:56,599
involved in this. Obviously that's not me, and I'm going

477
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:58,720
to get into like the nitty gritty details on the

478
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,759
Patreon and I'm sorry to keep saying that, but like,

479
00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:03,279
there are some things I cannot, like actually just put

480
00:24:03,279 --> 00:24:06,119
out on like the real, actual fucking YouTube internet because

481
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,319
that's crazy. But there is another girl involved here. And

482
00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:13,200
I've been thinking long and hard about this girl because

483
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,720
I'm being told they're friends. They're just friends, they're just friends.

484
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:19,359
They have a really weird relationship, but they're friends. And

485
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,279
you know, I'm just like pissed down my back. But

486
00:24:21,279 --> 00:24:24,200
don't tell me it's raining do the shitty thing. But

487
00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,759
don't fucking lie to me. Come on, I wasn't born yesterday.

488
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,920
I was actually born ten years before you, so I've

489
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:34,079
been around. But this girl knew about me the whole

490
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:39,519
time and just continued to have this highly inappropriate relationship

491
00:24:39,559 --> 00:24:44,359
with my partner. And it's his fault as much as

492
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:47,759
it's her fault. It's more his fault. It's more his fault.

493
00:24:47,759 --> 00:24:49,440
I'm not going to be mad at her, and I

494
00:24:49,519 --> 00:24:51,759
just I want to make a point here though, because

495
00:24:51,759 --> 00:24:53,359
I was thinking to myself, I'm like, what kind of

496
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,039
fucking person does this? Like when you know someone's in

497
00:24:56,039 --> 00:24:59,519
a relationship and you don't care and you send salacious

498
00:24:59,559 --> 00:25:04,240
photos of yourself and you are just like wildly inappropriate,

499
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:06,200
but you know that person has a partner and not

500
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:08,720
just a partner like somebody who lives with them. And

501
00:25:08,759 --> 00:25:13,200
then I was like, ahhh, I know what kind of

502
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:22,880
girl does that? Me? Me? Not me now, but me

503
00:25:25,319 --> 00:25:30,440
fifteen to twenty years ago. Yeah, me, Okay, not twenty

504
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,240
because then I was fifteen and I wasn't texting married men,

505
00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:36,480
but like you know, I had a run with athletes

506
00:25:36,519 --> 00:25:38,319
where I didn't give a fuck if they were married.

507
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:42,319
And it's so funny to me because like, karma does

508
00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:46,720
not miss a doorstep. Karma like you think you get

509
00:25:46,759 --> 00:25:50,319
away with something, and it's like ding dong, bitch, here's

510
00:25:50,319 --> 00:25:53,920
your fucking karma. This is my karma. This is what

511
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,039
I get. I get to be totally in love with

512
00:25:58,079 --> 00:26:01,680
a man, to have uprooted my life for him, and

513
00:26:01,839 --> 00:26:07,079
I get a woman who's like slutty and hot and

514
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:11,519
doesn't really have a moral compass, drinks a lot, doesn't

515
00:26:11,519 --> 00:26:13,960
really give a fuck, hasn't done a ton of work

516
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:17,559
on herself. I could probably guess who doesn't give a fuck.

517
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,279
That's what I get. I get me just a little

518
00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:23,440
bit later in life. So it hurts me this time.

519
00:26:23,839 --> 00:26:26,079
Instead of me being the person who causes the hurt,

520
00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:29,680
I am getting hurt this time. And I had like

521
00:26:29,759 --> 00:26:32,359
a aha moment where I was like, oh my god,

522
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,200
this is what I get. This is what I get

523
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:40,359
from my bad behavior in my twenties, literally like eighteen

524
00:26:40,519 --> 00:26:48,079
to twenty four. Yeah, it was five years of bad behavior.

525
00:26:48,119 --> 00:26:49,799
It was five years of me not giving a fuck

526
00:26:49,839 --> 00:26:51,880
if someone had a husband, like if they're in the NBA,

527
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:53,960
I'm like, it doesn't matter, they all cheat whatever, who cares?

528
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,000
Who cares? I justified it six ways towards the weekend,

529
00:26:57,359 --> 00:27:00,559
as I'm sure this person also did, or maybe she

530
00:27:00,559 --> 00:27:03,480
didn't even justify it, maybe she doesn't actually give a fuck.

531
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:06,319
And that's where I was at one point in my life.

532
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:13,799
And like you guys, karma, Karma is a bigger bitch

533
00:27:13,839 --> 00:27:15,759
than anyone could ever be. And so I just have

534
00:27:15,839 --> 00:27:18,480
to remember that if I think anyone's getting away with

535
00:27:18,519 --> 00:27:21,160
anything in this situation, or if I think I'm getting

536
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:25,799
the short end of the stick. God's gotcha. God will

537
00:27:25,839 --> 00:27:28,039
curb stop that person. And it doesn't mean that it's

538
00:27:28,079 --> 00:27:30,279
gonna happen right away. It doesn't mean that like someone

539
00:27:30,319 --> 00:27:32,079
does you wrong and then they get to get hit

540
00:27:32,079 --> 00:27:35,000
by a bus. But it does mean that if you

541
00:27:35,519 --> 00:27:38,920
do something wrong, or if someone else does something wrong,

542
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,920
that exact thing will be served to them on a

543
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,119
fucking platter when it is the most painful, when they

544
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:49,000
are the most vulnerable, and when the lesson can finally

545
00:27:49,039 --> 00:27:52,160
be received, because it would have been a shame if

546
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,119
this happened to me and I didn't learn the lesson.

547
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:57,880
And it's like, of course, I've done work on myself

548
00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,960
and I've gone to therapy and I've become a different person,

549
00:28:00,039 --> 00:28:02,759
and I'm somebody that would actually genuinely not hit on

550
00:28:02,839 --> 00:28:05,480
somebody in a relationship or a married person. Like that's

551
00:28:05,519 --> 00:28:09,519
not my personality anymore. It used to be my personality, though,

552
00:28:10,079 --> 00:28:12,440
And so I just want to like remind you guys

553
00:28:12,519 --> 00:28:17,119
that a fucking karma's coming, So don't rest, you know,

554
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,559
if we're sitting on our laurels being like, oh look

555
00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:26,640
at my beautiful, young, ambitious, wonderful, hot great in bed boyfriend.

556
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,480
How did I get so lucky and then woo pow,

557
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,640
just fucking getting hit over the head with karma. It's

558
00:28:34,759 --> 00:28:37,920
kind of funny. It's kind of funny, Like listen, was

559
00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,400
that relationship perfect? No, it was flawed six ways towards

560
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,440
the weekend, But like I was very in love with him,

561
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:45,240
and if two weeks ago he asked me to marry him,

562
00:28:45,359 --> 00:28:48,279
I would have said, yes. I was all in on

563
00:28:48,319 --> 00:28:51,440
that guy. I was all in. I don't go halfway in.

564
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,160
And that's the addict in me. And I don't know

565
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:54,960
if you guys can relate to this as addicts, but

566
00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:00,839
I'm not saying that you guys are. I'm just saying

567
00:29:00,839 --> 00:29:04,599
if any of you are addicts. I do think addiction

568
00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:07,839
carries over to sex and love and love feels so good.

569
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:10,480
And when I fall in love, I am like, like,

570
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,559
rose colored glasses aren't even enough. I don't have rose

571
00:29:14,599 --> 00:29:19,960
colored glasses. I have blindfold a blindfold, I see nothing,

572
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,079
you know. I always say when people show you who

573
00:29:22,119 --> 00:29:24,440
they are, you gotta believe them. The first time I

574
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:28,720
believed them. The seventh time, I was like, okay, all right,

575
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:37,319
excuse me choking, because it takes a while to not

576
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:40,039
be so in love with someone that you can't see straight.

577
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:43,319
You know. And a friend said something really great to

578
00:29:43,359 --> 00:29:53,000
me the other day. Sorry, I'm choking, hang on. So

579
00:29:53,079 --> 00:29:56,200
I have had friends and relationships that have this tendency

580
00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,799
to not tell anyone when something is going wrong because

581
00:29:58,839 --> 00:30:00,799
that way, when they were repaid, if they want to

582
00:30:00,839 --> 00:30:03,160
repair it with the person, then all of their friends

583
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:06,759
and family don't hate that person. I think that's smart.

584
00:30:07,079 --> 00:30:08,960
I think that's smart if you want to keep the relationship.

585
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,119
I don't think it's smart. I think it's a way

586
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:18,799
to evade accountability, right because you don't want the people

587
00:30:18,799 --> 00:30:20,400
that love you the most to know what's going on

588
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,400
in your relationship. If you're in a relationship where you

589
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,519
don't want the people you love the most to know

590
00:30:25,559 --> 00:30:29,559
what's going on, you're in the wrong relationship. Because when

591
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:36,359
a shit hit the fan, my ex was like, well,

592
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:38,680
you told everyone now, so now they're all gonna hate me.

593
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,519
And I was like, yeah, well, like, don't act in

594
00:30:42,559 --> 00:30:46,119
a way where you prevent me from being able to

595
00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,880
tell the truth about you. That's the solution here. You

596
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:52,960
don't if you don't behave in a way where if

597
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:57,039
I repeat it, it's a horror story. Then nobody's ever

598
00:30:57,079 --> 00:30:59,920
gonna think poorly of you, and that that's the truth.

599
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:06,480
So my friend's inne something really poignant the other day,

600
00:31:06,519 --> 00:31:08,279
Ali Colbert, you guys know are I'm gonna get her

601
00:31:08,279 --> 00:31:09,759
back on the podcast soon because I know you guys

602
00:31:09,839 --> 00:31:12,640
loved that episode. But she said it was her mom

603
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,400
who told her this, but love is blind, but the

604
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:18,640
neighbors aren't. And I thought that was so poignant because

605
00:31:20,759 --> 00:31:25,920
after we had our initial incident, let's call it, and

606
00:31:26,079 --> 00:31:33,799
I was tore up from the floor up. I was devastated, heartbroken, betrayed, angry, sad,

607
00:31:34,079 --> 00:31:38,519
violated all of the bad things. I was in a really,

608
00:31:38,559 --> 00:31:41,839
really bad place. But I was confronted with the fact that, like,

609
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,880
I still love this person very much, and he betrayed me,

610
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:47,640
and he hurt me, and he made me look like

611
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:50,839
a fucking clown. But I still love this person. And

612
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:53,880
I've never been in that position before. I've never been

613
00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:58,079
cheated on. And listen, like I said, we'll get into

614
00:31:58,119 --> 00:32:01,039
it later. He's adamant he didn't cheat because it was

615
00:32:01,079 --> 00:32:06,200
never physical. That doesn't matter to me. Having a flirtatious

616
00:32:06,319 --> 00:32:09,720
and inappropriate relationship via text with someone. Our entire relationship

617
00:32:09,759 --> 00:32:11,160
is cheating, and it makes me feel like we've been

618
00:32:11,160 --> 00:32:17,839
together zero months instead of eleven. So but he was adamant.

619
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:21,480
He's like, I'll block her. I won't, I won't follow her,

620
00:32:21,519 --> 00:32:24,119
I'll never talk to her again. You know, I'll do anything.

621
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:28,920
I'll do anything that you want to regain your trust.

622
00:32:30,079 --> 00:32:34,720
And I was in a tough position because I was

623
00:32:34,799 --> 00:32:37,480
gonna give him another chance. I was gearing up to

624
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,920
give them another chance because we lived together, our lives

625
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:47,240
are very enmeshed. I love this person very much. But

626
00:32:47,359 --> 00:32:53,400
then you know, I set some simple boundaries of things

627
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:59,319
that Cannon cannot happen in the relationship again, and five

628
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,519
days later he violated one of them. And so he

629
00:33:01,559 --> 00:33:03,359
made it really easy for me. He made it really

630
00:33:03,359 --> 00:33:05,200
easy for me to be like, your words and your

631
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:09,079
actions do not match, and I cannot be an idiot

632
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,960
who listens to the fucking I'm so sorry. I love

633
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,000
you so much. Da da da da da da da. No.

634
00:33:14,599 --> 00:33:17,240
I'm a big age. I'm a big old age. Baby

635
00:33:17,759 --> 00:33:21,480
Mama just turned thirty seven. I'm rounding the corner on forty.

636
00:33:22,039 --> 00:33:25,319
I have done so much work on myself to love myself.

637
00:33:25,359 --> 00:33:27,960
And I think sometimes people come into your life to

638
00:33:28,039 --> 00:33:30,640
test to I really do. I really think God gives

639
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:37,240
you really, really insane tests, And like I think, there's

640
00:33:37,279 --> 00:33:40,880
a version of me three years ago, right after my divorce,

641
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,240
when I was very vulnerable and very fragile. Had I

642
00:33:43,279 --> 00:33:46,160
found the love that I just was in sooner, I

643
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:49,200
would have stayed because I was so desperate to be

644
00:33:49,279 --> 00:33:53,559
loved and I felt so alone, and I would have.

645
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,960
I would have stayed. I hate to say that, but

646
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,960
I would have. But but this version of me, unfortunately

647
00:33:59,039 --> 00:34:02,480
he caught this fuck version of me. Because this version

648
00:34:02,519 --> 00:34:06,160
of me, I love myself enough to walk away. I

649
00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,719
don't ever want one of my partners, one of my

650
00:34:09,039 --> 00:34:11,920
life partners, one of my long term partners, to ever

651
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:14,800
put me in a position ever where I have to

652
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:19,280
choose if I love them more than I respect myself,

653
00:34:19,800 --> 00:34:23,199
because the answer will always be a resounding no. And

654
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:26,599
it doesn't matter how much I love them, I will

655
00:34:26,639 --> 00:34:30,920
always respect myself more. I will respect my boundaries more.

656
00:34:31,639 --> 00:34:35,039
I just have done the work, and that fucking sucks.

657
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:39,280
That sucks. And I know the older I get and

658
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,840
the more confident I get in myself, and the more

659
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,280
work I do on myself, because unfortunately, this is going

660
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:47,320
to lead to more work. This It's not like the

661
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,039
fucking works over and I can take my hard hat off.

662
00:34:51,079 --> 00:34:52,880
It's like, no, now I have to do more work.

663
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:55,480
I have to do more work out myself and figure

664
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,719
out why I've attracted people like this, why I'm attracting

665
00:34:58,719 --> 00:35:01,599
this sort of chaotic love. And you know, I'm gonna

666
00:35:01,639 --> 00:35:03,320
be doing this work on myself in a new city

667
00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:05,599
that I've never lived in. Quite frankly, I've never really

668
00:35:05,679 --> 00:35:08,079
liked that much, but I'm like feeling very inspired by

669
00:35:08,119 --> 00:35:12,039
it this trip. I just am like, there's a lot

670
00:35:12,079 --> 00:35:14,639
going on, Guys, like, there's this. This year has been

671
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:19,360
a lot, and for whatever reason it was meant to be,

672
00:35:20,639 --> 00:35:24,280
it was meant to be. I do believe that. And

673
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,199
here's the other thing. I know that both of us

674
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,320
are gonna come out of this stronger. I do know

675
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:32,360
I'll be the impetus for change in his life, and

676
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:39,239
I know I will haunt him. No, I'm just kidding, Yeah, No,

677
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:41,679
I know both of us are going to change profoundly

678
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:46,079
from this, and I'm very excited to move to New York.

679
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,280
I also, like hate to say this, but Biggie fucking

680
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:53,119
hated New York and maybe he just knew. Maybe he

681
00:35:53,199 --> 00:35:56,159
knew stuff I didn't know. Like I just think dogs

682
00:35:56,199 --> 00:36:00,000
have divine intelligence, and you know, they just he maybe

683
00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:02,199
he knew more than I knew at the time. And

684
00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:05,000
there will be a really fucking hard world to have

685
00:36:05,039 --> 00:36:06,639
a dog with a feeding twoe hanging out of his

686
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:10,559
neck in New York City when he hates it here,

687
00:36:10,679 --> 00:36:14,039
you know. So I'm trying to look at all the

688
00:36:14,079 --> 00:36:17,119
silver linings. I'm trying to stay positive. That's kind of

689
00:36:17,159 --> 00:36:21,119
where That's kind of where I'm at, guys. I've just

690
00:36:21,159 --> 00:36:24,559
been doing a lot of self reflecting. I cry from

691
00:36:24,599 --> 00:36:27,679
time to time. I really cried. Between the last time

692
00:36:27,719 --> 00:36:30,039
I recorded and this time, I have really cried. I

693
00:36:30,079 --> 00:36:31,599
have really cried. And I just want to let you

694
00:36:31,599 --> 00:36:33,440
guys know. If you're thinking about going on lexiphone and

695
00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:34,559
you're like, I don't want to do it because I'll

696
00:36:34,559 --> 00:36:37,000
never be able to feel anything, honey, you can feel

697
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:42,360
all of it, not your clit, but your feelings. You

698
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:46,599
can feel all of it. You will be able to laugh,

699
00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:48,440
you will be able to cry, you will be able

700
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:51,159
to experience life. It just doesn't get so low and like,

701
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:54,119
I've never been more grateful for my lexiprone in my

702
00:36:54,159 --> 00:36:57,400
life than I am right now, because when I went

703
00:36:57,440 --> 00:36:59,280
through my divorce is when I was the most suicidal

704
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:01,639
I had ever been. It was such a deep dark

705
00:37:01,679 --> 00:37:03,639
place that I couldn't get myself out of. I couldn't

706
00:37:03,679 --> 00:37:06,079
journal myself out of it. I couldn't meditate myself out

707
00:37:06,119 --> 00:37:07,639
of it. I couldn't pray myself out of it. I

708
00:37:07,639 --> 00:37:09,920
couldn't walk myself out of it. I couldn't get out

709
00:37:09,960 --> 00:37:17,079
of it okay. And I think lexapro is in the

710
00:37:17,119 --> 00:37:20,039
process of and has already saved my life. And I

711
00:37:20,119 --> 00:37:22,800
will be okay if I stay medicated and I stay

712
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:25,119
close to my community and my friends. And here's the thing.

713
00:37:25,440 --> 00:37:28,239
When shit hits a man, you really realize how wonderful

714
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:31,119
your friends are. Like I think when we're in a relationship,

715
00:37:31,119 --> 00:37:33,360
we have a tendency to pick our partner over our

716
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:35,559
friends because that person becomes your best friend, and it's

717
00:37:35,559 --> 00:37:36,920
your best friend that you're fucking and you have like

718
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:39,280
this hot, amazing sexon this great life and you're just like,

719
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:42,920
who needs friends? And I don't ever like fully cut

720
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,119
my friends off, but I'm like a little bit less effort.

721
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,039
And that's another lesson I need to learn, because, my god,

722
00:37:48,199 --> 00:37:50,519
when the shit hit the fan, do I have good friends?

723
00:37:51,079 --> 00:37:53,800
I mean, my friends have been calling and checking in

724
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,000
on me. My dad has been so wonderful. And that's

725
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,079
the other thing. This whole thing is a fucking mess.

726
00:37:59,119 --> 00:38:01,719
Like my dad is in Florida wiring his bagel shop

727
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,760
and his best friends are the contractors on the job.

728
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:09,280
I'm like, Dad, just like wire it so is up

729
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,360
an explode. No, I'm just kidding. I didn't say that,

730
00:38:12,159 --> 00:38:13,599
and my dad would never My dad is such a

731
00:38:13,679 --> 00:38:15,639
man of integrity. I told him what was going on.

732
00:38:16,119 --> 00:38:17,960
You know, his initial reaction was, I do want to

733
00:38:18,039 --> 00:38:19,960
leave the job. I don't want to do this anymore,

734
00:38:20,039 --> 00:38:22,039
Like why would I want to do something for someone

735
00:38:22,039 --> 00:38:26,119
who just hurt my daughter so immensely. But my dad

736
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:33,840
is a fucking incredible person, and my act should be

737
00:38:33,920 --> 00:38:37,280
so lucky that he has so much integrity because he's

738
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,199
going to finish the job and he's going to do

739
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:43,320
a good job. And that's it. That's really it. Like

740
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,400
what a fucking hell fire, acid bath of a mess.

741
00:38:47,519 --> 00:38:49,719
My poor father is now going to spend his summer which,

742
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:51,679
by the way, is his favorite time of year. It's

743
00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:54,079
when he has his garden, it's when he plays baseball.

744
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,159
It's his favorite time of year. And like, let's be honest,

745
00:38:56,199 --> 00:39:00,199
he's in his sixties, you know that is the do

746
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:02,679
we start to think how many of these summers do

747
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:04,800
I have left? And he is sacrificing his summer too?

748
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:09,000
Why are this kid's bagel shop? And sorry, not kid.

749
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:10,960
I don't even know what to call him. You guys

750
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:12,559
all know his name, but I'm just like at this

751
00:39:12,639 --> 00:39:15,480
point not saying his name anymore. It's gonna be like Voldemort,

752
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:19,519
like the name. We're not gonna say It's We can

753
00:39:19,519 --> 00:39:21,679
go back to mister Manhattan if we have to. But honestly,

754
00:39:21,679 --> 00:39:23,760
he's like mister West Palm Beach at this point. So

755
00:39:29,599 --> 00:39:33,440
mister moron, No, it's just it's a mess. But it's

756
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:37,239
gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine. God's got it.

757
00:39:37,639 --> 00:39:41,599
God's plan is perfect. Even if it's painful, life is good.

758
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:45,440
Everything's gonna be a okay. I'm gonna hop into bad

759
00:39:45,519 --> 00:39:48,800
vice now. Like I said, there's more over on the Patreon.

760
00:39:49,239 --> 00:39:52,000
If you're salving the artist's way with me, we're gonna

761
00:39:52,000 --> 00:39:55,480
get into that. I love you guys so much. This

762
00:39:55,519 --> 00:39:57,159
isn't goodbye. I don't know. I am act think it's

763
00:39:57,199 --> 00:40:00,159
goodbye bad bye. Okay. I've been with my boyfriend for

764
00:40:00,199 --> 00:40:02,320
two years. He's twenty four, I'm twenty six, but we

765
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,480
feel worlds apart. I have a six figure day job

766
00:40:05,559 --> 00:40:08,159
and he has a ton of dreams but no ambition.

767
00:40:08,679 --> 00:40:11,079
It kills me because I know if he applied himself,

768
00:40:11,119 --> 00:40:13,320
he could be great at anything. But it doesn't seem

769
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,719
like my words are lighting a fire under his ass.

770
00:40:15,760 --> 00:40:18,280
What do I do? And at what age does potential

771
00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:25,840
stop being attractive? Oh? Oh, don't I know this? Don't

772
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:30,079
I know this? Hang on a second, this is the

773
00:40:30,119 --> 00:40:32,119
worst feeling in the world. I'm gonna validate you that

774
00:40:32,199 --> 00:40:36,880
this is a horrible feeling. But we can't be dating potential,

775
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:46,159
right So I I think we do this thing as people,

776
00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:49,559
not just women, but as people where there's a phase

777
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:53,000
in the early relationship called limerens right where you meet

778
00:40:53,039 --> 00:40:54,920
a person and you're so obsessed with them and you

779
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,320
like them so much, and you see how amazing they

780
00:40:57,360 --> 00:40:59,800
could be, Like if you are running their life, you

781
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,079
see how great their life could be. So then you

782
00:41:02,119 --> 00:41:04,079
step in and you try and run their life, or

783
00:41:04,159 --> 00:41:05,800
you try and help them run their life, or you

784
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:07,480
try and point them in the right direction of where

785
00:41:07,519 --> 00:41:09,199
you think their life would be the most successful, and

786
00:41:09,199 --> 00:41:12,159
you try and do all these things for them, and

787
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:15,920
they often will not take the bait right because it's

788
00:41:15,920 --> 00:41:17,719
like you can lead a horse to water, but you

789
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:22,639
can't make it drink. So people have to be inspired

790
00:41:22,679 --> 00:41:27,559
from within to make change, and that includes ambition, Like

791
00:41:27,599 --> 00:41:33,960
ambition is not something you can give someone right I have.

792
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,679
My ex husband is the funniest person I've ever met

793
00:41:37,679 --> 00:41:40,920
my entire life. He I am friends with every not

794
00:41:41,039 --> 00:41:45,519
friends with. Some of my best friends are professional comedians

795
00:41:45,519 --> 00:41:47,199
and they are some of the funniest people in the world.

796
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:51,320
My ex husband puts them to fucking shame. He is

797
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,599
funnier than all of them. He could run circles around

798
00:41:53,639 --> 00:41:55,639
all of them. He is the funniest person I've ever

799
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,199
met in my entire life. I tell everyone that I

800
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:00,360
will tell everyone that until the day I die, there

801
00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:02,320
is not a funnier person on this planet than my

802
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:06,159
ex husband. No one comes close. It's not even kind

803
00:42:06,159 --> 00:42:09,800
of close. Like some people have been funny, and like

804
00:42:10,079 --> 00:42:12,639
I don't know THEO Vaughn is one of my best friends.

805
00:42:12,679 --> 00:42:17,280
He's fucking hilarious. But Chris, my ex husband, he's funnier.

806
00:42:17,639 --> 00:42:21,119
He's funnier, he's he's just funnier. Like I don't, I don't.

807
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:24,880
He is quicker and he has such a special brain.

808
00:42:25,079 --> 00:42:27,840
And I spent that whole marriage being like, do something

809
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:30,800
with this, like whether it's comedic acting. I could have

810
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,840
seen him being like a Paul Rudd because he's also

811
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:35,199
very handsome. He actually looks like a Hemsworth, Like he

812
00:42:35,239 --> 00:42:38,480
looks like Chris Hemsworth. And then he's like the funniest

813
00:42:38,519 --> 00:42:42,719
person like alive. It was a maddening combination to watch

814
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:45,119
somebody do nothing with it. But he didn't want to.

815
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,440
He just wanted to like work on cars and hang

816
00:42:47,480 --> 00:42:50,119
out with his buddies. And you know, he had a

817
00:42:50,199 --> 00:42:52,599
day job that he kind of hated, but like he

818
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,840
was good with that. And some people are just good

819
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:58,119
where they're at and they don't have the ambition, they

820
00:42:58,119 --> 00:43:00,840
don't have the fire, and it's you know, it's a

821
00:43:00,880 --> 00:43:04,639
lot of things. It's how they were raised, it's whether

822
00:43:04,719 --> 00:43:08,119
or not they have ever needed to develop a survival instinct,

823
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:10,719
you know, I think creativity comes out of a need

824
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:15,360
to survive. And while it's easier to create when you're comfortable,

825
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:19,519
I think the best creativity comes from when you're in

826
00:43:19,639 --> 00:43:22,079
like a really dark place and you have to create

827
00:43:22,119 --> 00:43:24,760
to get yourself out of that dark place. So it's

828
00:43:24,880 --> 00:43:27,559
really really hard to watch someone and know they have

829
00:43:27,679 --> 00:43:30,480
so much potential but they're not doing anything with it

830
00:43:31,039 --> 00:43:32,920
and you can't make them. And how long have you

831
00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,119
guys been together? No? No, no, no, I've been only two years. Okay,

832
00:43:36,159 --> 00:43:39,880
so have you seen any change in two years? Has

833
00:43:40,079 --> 00:43:42,280
the needle moved at all? If the needle hasn't moved

834
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,480
at all in two years, two years isn't a long time,

835
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:47,400
but it's a long enough time to know the character

836
00:43:47,519 --> 00:43:50,679
of that person and whether or not they are actually

837
00:43:51,599 --> 00:43:53,760
going to do anything with their lives, because they would

838
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,039
be doing something with their life. He is, well, he's

839
00:43:56,079 --> 00:43:58,440
twenty four. That's tough. That's a tough age. Twenty four

840
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:00,239
is a tough age. But also it's not like I

841
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:03,400
go back to me at twenty four. I had a career.

842
00:44:03,519 --> 00:44:06,559
I was in advertising. I sure I had only been

843
00:44:06,599 --> 00:44:08,000
there for like a year and a half, but like

844
00:44:08,079 --> 00:44:11,079
I had a career and I was working of you know,

845
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:15,239
forty hours a week. That's not impressive. That's just what

846
00:44:15,280 --> 00:44:19,000
I was doing. But if you see someone with a

847
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:22,679
complete lack of ambition at twenty four, they have a

848
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:24,519
ton of time to turn it around. And it might

849
00:44:24,639 --> 00:44:27,400
be infuriating. But here's the thing. Sometimes people don't change

850
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:30,480
until you leave. Sometimes you can be like, you gotta

851
00:44:30,519 --> 00:44:31,880
do this, you gotta do something with your life. You

852
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:33,280
gotta da da da da da da, you gotta you

853
00:44:33,320 --> 00:44:36,719
gotta getta yeah, And if you stay, they won't because

854
00:44:36,719 --> 00:44:39,119
they think there's no consequences and you are the prize

855
00:44:39,159 --> 00:44:40,800
and they already have the prize, So why would they

856
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,199
work harder for the prize when you already are the

857
00:44:43,199 --> 00:44:46,480
prize and they have you. And that is what happened

858
00:44:46,519 --> 00:44:48,280
with my ex husband. Did he go on to become

859
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:51,119
Paul Rudd. No, But he launched a hot dog company

860
00:44:51,159 --> 00:44:53,000
called Gleazy, which you guys should all go have because

861
00:44:53,039 --> 00:44:54,880
it is legitimately the best hot dog I've ever had

862
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:58,440
in my entire life. He got ambitious enough to do

863
00:44:58,599 --> 00:45:00,800
a side project that's going to make I'm a millionaire.

864
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:04,079
He's fucking crushing it. He now also has like the

865
00:45:04,159 --> 00:45:07,039
lead job at NBA two K. He's running their creative

866
00:45:07,639 --> 00:45:11,360
he's doing big boy shit now. And like, I'm not

867
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:13,440
saying that's because I left, but I am saying there

868
00:45:13,480 --> 00:45:15,559
was an impetus because I left and he had time

869
00:45:15,679 --> 00:45:18,599
and he was sad and going through shit. And sometimes

870
00:45:18,599 --> 00:45:20,360
when you're sad and you're going through shit, you are

871
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:24,159
forced to create. Like I said, so like, unfortunately, sometimes

872
00:45:24,199 --> 00:45:27,519
walking away from people is the thing that makes them change,

873
00:45:27,599 --> 00:45:29,639
and then they become the person that you wish they

874
00:45:29,679 --> 00:45:31,920
were when you guys were together. But they would have

875
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:34,039
never been able to become that person if you stayed.

876
00:45:34,280 --> 00:45:36,119
So I don't want you to beat yourself up if

877
00:45:36,159 --> 00:45:38,840
you do leave. If you do leave and he does

878
00:45:38,880 --> 00:45:41,000
turn into the person that you wanted him to be,

879
00:45:41,119 --> 00:45:44,719
just no, it's because that space you left was so painful.

880
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:46,960
He had to fill it with purpose and he had

881
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:50,639
to find ambition and that would not have happened if

882
00:45:50,639 --> 00:45:55,400
you stayed. So that is my my opinion on that.

883
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:59,280
I don't date potential anymore. I'm just like, yeah, we

884
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:02,760
can't take potent to the bank, you know. I want

885
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,800
to go on vacations now, I want to do fune

886
00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:06,800
it now. I want to be with somebody who's driven now.

887
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,960
I want to you know, I want a partner who

888
00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:10,840
meants me where I'm at right now. You know, I

889
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:12,280
don't want to partner who's gonna get there in a

890
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,599
few years. I don't want a partner who's, you know,

891
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:18,400
promising me that you know they're going to change or

892
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:20,840
they're coming, or they're on their way or I promm didn't. Now,

893
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:23,239
you are who you are right now, and you got

894
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:24,920
to date who that person is right now. So if

895
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:26,320
you don't like who they are right now, then you

896
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:28,079
have to think if they didn't, if nothing changed for

897
00:46:28,119 --> 00:46:31,079
two years, would you be happy and would you stay?

898
00:46:31,119 --> 00:46:35,920
Because if the answer is no, then there's your answer. Okay,

899
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:39,000
we have one more. Oh, I wrote this down too

900
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,280
like potential, it's it's funny. Potential's funny, right, Like I

901
00:46:41,280 --> 00:46:43,559
could be a fucking astronaut if I wanted to. Actually,

902
00:46:43,599 --> 00:46:45,119
I don't know if I can. I might be too old.

903
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:46,920
But like I would have to really want to be

904
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:49,920
an astronaut, you know, I would really I would have

905
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,800
to like go to a lot of school and figure out.

906
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,960
I don't even think my ears could handle that pressure.

907
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,760
I can't even dive into a pool without like getting

908
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,760
water in my ears. My ears are so fucked up

909
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:01,119
because I got tubes when I was a kid. I

910
00:47:01,119 --> 00:47:03,119
don't think I can go to space. But I guess,

911
00:47:03,159 --> 00:47:05,159
like what I'm saying hypothetically is, if I really wanted

912
00:47:05,199 --> 00:47:07,360
to become an astronaut, I could become an astronaut. But

913
00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:09,960
if you want to date an astronaut right now, you

914
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:13,079
can't date me. You gotta date somebody who's an actual astronaut,

915
00:47:13,079 --> 00:47:14,679
because like it's gonna take a lot of work, and

916
00:47:14,719 --> 00:47:16,840
it's gonna take a lot of time, and like things

917
00:47:16,840 --> 00:47:18,840
could go wrong on the journey of trying to get

918
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:22,000
to of my journey of me trying to become an astronaut,

919
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:24,360
Like my fucking had could explode because my ears are

920
00:47:24,360 --> 00:47:26,440
all fucked up inside because I had like ten runs

921
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:28,400
of tubes when I was a kid. So it's like, yeah,

922
00:47:28,440 --> 00:47:30,760
do you want to hold their hand through that journey

923
00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:32,599
while they become the person that you wish they were

924
00:47:32,679 --> 00:47:35,920
right now? I don't know. So I don't know if

925
00:47:35,920 --> 00:47:39,199
your man's gonna become an astronaut. Sounds like probably not,

926
00:47:41,719 --> 00:47:48,119
probably fucking not. Okay, one more um Okay. I have

927
00:47:48,280 --> 00:47:51,039
been with my man for four years and never went

928
00:47:51,079 --> 00:47:53,440
through his phone. Oh boy, But the other day I

929
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:55,960
was sitting out and I had a feeling I should look.

930
00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:58,480
He was dming girls flirty shit. I think they're girls.

931
00:47:58,519 --> 00:48:00,039
He stuck up with most of them. Do you I

932
00:48:00,039 --> 00:48:03,079
think it's emotional cheating. It's emotional cheating worse than physical cheating.

933
00:48:03,159 --> 00:48:09,280
Do I stay or do I go? Sos? All right,

934
00:48:10,199 --> 00:48:12,079
So I think if you're just if your boyfriend is

935
00:48:12,119 --> 00:48:15,039
sending flirty messages to girl, that's an absolutely fucking not

936
00:48:16,079 --> 00:48:19,000
under who, Like, in what world? In what world did

937
00:48:19,039 --> 00:48:25,400
men do men think this is okay? In what fucking world? Also,

938
00:48:25,519 --> 00:48:27,239
if you ever have a gut feeling to go through

939
00:48:27,239 --> 00:48:31,199
someone's phone, go through it, Go fucking through it. That

940
00:48:31,239 --> 00:48:33,639
gut feeling is God. But here's what I will say

941
00:48:33,639 --> 00:48:38,480
about Instagram. It's so fucking embarrassing, right, nobody wants a

942
00:48:38,519 --> 00:48:41,719
man whose little heart is floating above other girls pictures.

943
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:45,000
That is so cringe. It's so gross because you know

944
00:48:45,039 --> 00:48:48,679
what they're saying, Hey, I'm here, Remember I'm here, Like,

945
00:48:49,639 --> 00:48:52,480
I don't know, you didn't really give me enough to

946
00:48:52,519 --> 00:48:55,199
say if it's emotional cheating like, I don't know what

947
00:48:55,480 --> 00:49:01,679
flirty is. I don't know, but all I know for

948
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:04,599
sure is when there's smoke, there's fire. And I think

949
00:49:04,639 --> 00:49:08,599
emotional cheating or inappropriate texting is the same, if not

950
00:49:08,679 --> 00:49:13,039
worse than physical cheating. Do you stare you? Do you go?

951
00:49:13,199 --> 00:49:15,159
You have to DM me, girl, I need more information.

952
00:49:16,119 --> 00:49:19,360
I just think that if you ever had a feeling

953
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:20,880
you should go through someone's phone, and then you went

954
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:24,199
through it and new fund something you didn't like, you

955
00:49:24,239 --> 00:49:27,960
should go. I think he should go. I think he

956
00:49:27,960 --> 00:49:31,800
should fucking go because that person is showing you their integrity,

957
00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:35,679
They're showing you their character, They're showing you their commitment

958
00:49:35,719 --> 00:49:38,280
to the relationship, and they can tell you upside down

959
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:39,920
in sideways how much they love you and how you're

960
00:49:39,960 --> 00:49:42,039
the only person that matters, and how you're their whole

961
00:49:42,039 --> 00:49:49,599
white world. But the actions are different. The actions are different.

962
00:49:49,679 --> 00:49:52,039
So I think if he's flirting with someone in the

963
00:49:52,159 --> 00:49:57,360
DMS like fuck that noise to hell, fuck that noise

964
00:49:57,400 --> 00:50:00,199
all the way to hell again, you're gonna have to

965
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:02,719
DM me and give you more information. But that is

966
00:50:03,719 --> 00:50:08,199
that's my two cents. Um, Okay, you guys were gonna

967
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:12,960
do word of the week word of the week brought

968
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:19,119
my book to New York. Aren't you so proud of me? Oh? Perjure,

969
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:22,760
that's a good one for this week. Perjure p e

970
00:50:22,960 --> 00:50:27,599
r j u r e perjure. It's a verb. It

971
00:50:27,679 --> 00:50:31,880
means to lie or give false and misleading testimony. To

972
00:50:31,960 --> 00:50:34,440
perjure oneself is to commit the crime of testifying to

973
00:50:34,519 --> 00:50:39,400
something one knows is untrue perjure. Some perjure was happening

974
00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:42,559
in my house this weekend when my boyfriend ex boyfriend

975
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:49,079
was on trial. Perjure. Um, all right, if I lose

976
00:50:49,119 --> 00:50:50,599
you here, you guys, I love you so much, do

977
00:50:50,719 --> 00:50:53,039
me a big favor. Please go to my Spotify or

978
00:50:53,039 --> 00:50:55,119
Apple and give me five stars if you like the podcast.

979
00:50:55,119 --> 00:50:56,920
That would really help me. It would mean so much

980
00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:58,920
if you do that to me. And if you haven't

981
00:50:58,920 --> 00:51:01,000
subscribed to my YouTube bar, please do that. I know

982
00:51:01,039 --> 00:51:03,800
we're like dangerously close to fifty thousand subscribers and that

983
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:06,599
would be very exciting if we got to fifty thousand subscribers.

984
00:51:07,679 --> 00:51:12,360
So go give mama some love. I promise we're turning

985
00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:15,480
a fucking corner, you guys, We are turning a fucking corner.

986
00:51:15,519 --> 00:51:17,840
I can feel it. Uh go give mama some love

987
00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:20,800
and I will see you all next week. Love you bestiaes.

988
00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:25,639
Bye bye. Okay, artists, Ways, honey bunnies, how are we doing?

989
00:51:25,800 --> 00:51:28,960
How was this week? I know it was our It

990
00:51:29,039 --> 00:51:30,880
was a hard week. If you guys did it right,

991
00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:33,079
it was a hard week. I have to be so honest.

992
00:51:33,239 --> 00:51:35,639
I could not do the no reading and it's not

993
00:51:35,920 --> 00:51:39,320
because I wanted to read. It's because my life was

994
00:51:39,360 --> 00:51:41,559
falling the fuck apart and I needed to look for

995
00:51:41,679 --> 00:51:46,519
apartments and it's a it was a matter of life

996
00:51:46,519 --> 00:51:48,440
and death for me. So what I'm going to do

997
00:51:48,519 --> 00:51:51,159
this week is the no reading challenge because I'm going

998
00:51:51,199 --> 00:51:53,079
to be in a position where I will be able

999
00:51:53,119 --> 00:51:56,840
to do that no reading, no media whatever. I really

1000
00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:58,719
didn't take in a lot of media. I didn't watch

1001
00:51:58,800 --> 00:52:02,840
TV or movies or anything like that. But I wasn't

1002
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:04,840
able to not read because I was like reading apartment

1003
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:07,079
listings all day every day. That's like what I've been

1004
00:52:07,159 --> 00:52:11,119
up to. Okay, So this week is Week five. It

1005
00:52:11,239 --> 00:52:18,960
is recovering a sense of possibility. Very exciting. I want

1006
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:21,679
to know who's doing this with me? Please, If you're

1007
00:52:21,679 --> 00:52:23,760
doing this with me, can you please dm me, and

1008
00:52:23,800 --> 00:52:27,199
I promise I will DM you back. DM me on

1009
00:52:27,239 --> 00:52:29,599
Talking Schmidt, though, because my other page is a fucking

1010
00:52:29,719 --> 00:52:33,760
hell fire acid bath of just guys being like, you

1011
00:52:33,800 --> 00:52:36,199
want to see my dick? What do you think about

1012
00:52:36,239 --> 00:52:38,519
micro penises? Can I buy a picture of your feet?

1013
00:52:38,559 --> 00:52:42,119
Like that? That's those dms. So if you could just

1014
00:52:42,199 --> 00:52:43,880
DM me on talk and Schmidt, I promise I will

1015
00:52:43,920 --> 00:52:45,360
DM you back. I just want to know how many

1016
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:47,000
of us are doing this together and if we're like

1017
00:52:47,159 --> 00:52:51,920
actually doing it okay, recovering a sense of possibility. One

1018
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:54,400
of the chief barriers to accepting God's generosity is our

1019
00:52:54,480 --> 00:52:57,360
limited notion of what we are in fact able to accomplish.

1020
00:52:57,440 --> 00:52:59,880
We may tune into the voice of the creator within,

1021
00:53:00,159 --> 00:53:03,360
hear a message and then discount it as crazy or impossible.

1022
00:53:03,800 --> 00:53:07,440
So I want when ideas come to you, And this

1023
00:53:07,559 --> 00:53:10,000
is why the no reading week is so important, because

1024
00:53:10,000 --> 00:53:12,719
we don't actually give our brains time for ideas to

1025
00:53:12,760 --> 00:53:14,599
come to us. But when they do come to you,

1026
00:53:14,880 --> 00:53:17,480
just pay attention to them, write them down, journal about

1027
00:53:17,519 --> 00:53:19,480
them in your morning pages. Whatever they are, just keep

1028
00:53:19,519 --> 00:53:22,800
paying attention to what the universe is trying to tell you.

1029
00:53:24,199 --> 00:53:26,000
I also want to hear about your artist states, how

1030
00:53:26,039 --> 00:53:30,440
have those been going, How your morning pages are going?

1031
00:53:30,559 --> 00:53:33,639
All of that stuff. Morning pages are like, truly transformational

1032
00:53:33,679 --> 00:53:37,679
and have changed my life. So I hope we're all

1033
00:53:37,679 --> 00:53:40,400
doing them remembering that God is my source. We are

1034
00:53:40,440 --> 00:53:43,840
in the spiritual position to have an unlimited bank account.

1035
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:46,280
We unconsciously set a limit on how much God can

1036
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:48,719
give us and help us. So we think to ourselves,

1037
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:51,119
I can't have that. I can't have that big I

1038
00:53:51,159 --> 00:53:53,760
can't have that penthouse at the top of Manhattan. I

1039
00:53:53,840 --> 00:53:57,000
can't My creativity is never going to make me millions

1040
00:53:57,000 --> 00:53:59,199
of dollars. Sure it makes them millions of dollars, but

1041
00:53:59,239 --> 00:54:01,400
for whatever reason, it can't make me. We got to

1042
00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,679
get rid of those thoughts, you guys. We got to

1043
00:54:03,760 --> 00:54:05,599
just think we can have whatever the fuck we want.

1044
00:54:05,639 --> 00:54:08,880
Whatever we dream of we can actually have. We just

1045
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:11,400
can't have limiting beliefs. And I know that's hard to

1046
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:13,800
not have limiting beliefs when there are realities like money,

1047
00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:17,159
and you know, all sorts of different realities that you know,

1048
00:54:17,199 --> 00:54:18,599
you have a kid running around the house. How am

1049
00:54:18,599 --> 00:54:20,920
I going to become the next Michaelangelo? I get it,

1050
00:54:21,119 --> 00:54:24,400
I understand, but just do yourself a favor and believe

1051
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:26,440
that you can, even if it's just for a week,

1052
00:54:26,559 --> 00:54:29,199
just believe that you can. You know, and this isn't

1053
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:31,440
to say it's like I pray and then presto, you know,

1054
00:54:31,519 --> 00:54:33,039
like I pray and then all of a sudden, I'm

1055
00:54:33,159 --> 00:54:35,599
you know, making millions of dollars off of my creativity,

1056
00:54:35,679 --> 00:54:38,199
or my movie gets picked up, or my book gets published,

1057
00:54:38,280 --> 00:54:42,400
or you know, any of this stuff. But we have

1058
00:54:42,440 --> 00:54:44,440
to believe that we're allowed to catch the bus, right.

1059
00:54:44,480 --> 00:54:46,519
We have to know in our hearts that what everyone

1060
00:54:46,519 --> 00:54:48,920
else can have, we can have. And more, anything we

1061
00:54:49,039 --> 00:54:52,000
dream of can be ours if we just believe that. Okay,

1062
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:54,800
so we have to cooperate with God's plan to manifest

1063
00:54:54,840 --> 00:54:57,360
goodness in our lives. We can begin to let go

1064
00:54:57,519 --> 00:55:00,360
of having to sabotage ourselves. So, in other words, pray

1065
00:55:00,360 --> 00:55:02,000
to catch the bus and then run as fast as

1066
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:04,199
you can. Run as fast as you can. You have

1067
00:55:04,280 --> 00:55:06,880
to do the work. You have to do these morning pages.

1068
00:55:06,880 --> 00:55:08,840
You have to take yourself on artist dates. You have

1069
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:11,079
to like open up your channels of creativity. You have

1070
00:55:11,119 --> 00:55:14,159
to allow God into the equation. And then when things

1071
00:55:14,159 --> 00:55:17,400
start to happen and it's synchronicity. Don't scoff at it.

1072
00:55:17,519 --> 00:55:20,679
Just know that's the universe conspiring in your favor. And

1073
00:55:20,760 --> 00:55:23,159
I promise you it's going to start to feel a

1074
00:55:23,199 --> 00:55:25,440
lot easier. And if you feel like it's a lot

1075
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,159
more in the flow, and it's just going to start

1076
00:55:28,159 --> 00:55:30,159
to feel better. So God has lots of money, He

1077
00:55:30,199 --> 00:55:33,440
has lots of movie ideas, He has novel ideas, poem songs, paintings,

1078
00:55:33,480 --> 00:55:36,000
acting jobs. God has a supply of love, friends, houses

1079
00:55:36,039 --> 00:55:39,039
that are all available to us. So sky is the limit.

1080
00:55:39,079 --> 00:55:41,239
Whatever you want, open yourself up to God, and it

1081
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:42,960
might not come the way that you think it's going

1082
00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:44,280
to come. You know, you might want to be a

1083
00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:47,519
New York Times bestselling author and maybe you write the

1084
00:55:47,519 --> 00:55:50,760
book and the book isn't such a big success, but uh,

1085
00:55:50,880 --> 00:55:52,679
you know, a producer gets their hands on it, and

1086
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:54,440
then it turns into a TV show and then all

1087
00:55:54,440 --> 00:55:56,000
of a sudden, the TV you're winning an Emmy for

1088
00:55:56,000 --> 00:55:58,840
the writing and that you know like and and that's

1089
00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:00,800
a pie in that. That's not hi. This guy that

1090
00:56:00,840 --> 00:56:03,440
could fucking happen, Like anything could happen. So you just

1091
00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:05,440
have to be open to the miracles that God's trying

1092
00:56:05,440 --> 00:56:08,400
to give you. Okay, I want to sound a cautionary

1093
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:10,559
note here for all artists who put their creative lives

1094
00:56:10,559 --> 00:56:13,239
solely into human hands. This can block your good I

1095
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:16,039
have had very well meaning managers who want me to

1096
00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:18,199
understand their worth by telling me what I should and

1097
00:56:18,239 --> 00:56:20,760
shouldn't do. And the only time I've ever had success

1098
00:56:20,760 --> 00:56:22,320
in this career is when I've done what they told

1099
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,679
me not to do. My first special, my manager told

1100
00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:28,000
me not to shoot. He said, wait until Comedy Central

1101
00:56:28,039 --> 00:56:29,880
or Netflix or someone picks it up. I would still

1102
00:56:29,880 --> 00:56:31,480
be waiting. I would be waiting for the rest of

1103
00:56:31,519 --> 00:56:35,239
my life. And they are trying to make themselves important

1104
00:56:35,280 --> 00:56:37,920
and valuable. But like you have to follow your instincts

1105
00:56:37,960 --> 00:56:43,079
and follow your gut and do do the creative things

1106
00:56:43,119 --> 00:56:44,760
that are calling to you, and don't listen to the

1107
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:49,119
people around you. People around you will also try and

1108
00:56:49,119 --> 00:56:52,039
give you their fears, especially family members or people that

1109
00:56:52,119 --> 00:56:53,599
wish they were doing what you were doing. They're going

1110
00:56:53,679 --> 00:56:55,320
to try and give you their fears. You can't take

1111
00:56:55,360 --> 00:56:59,159
them on. So I've said before that creativity is a

1112
00:56:59,199 --> 00:57:02,199
spiritual issue. Any progress is made by leaps of faith,

1113
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:05,320
some small and some large. What payoff are you getting

1114
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:08,000
for remaining stuck at this point in your expansion? God

1115
00:57:08,119 --> 00:57:11,280
as my source is a simple but completely effective plan

1116
00:57:11,360 --> 00:57:14,920
for living. God will provide. At night, before we fall asleep,

1117
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,280
we can list areas in which we need guidance. In

1118
00:57:17,320 --> 00:57:20,039
the morning, writing on the same topics, we find ourselves

1119
00:57:20,039 --> 00:57:23,800
seeing previously unseen avenues of approach. The shift to spiritual

1120
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:26,039
dependency as a gradual one. We have been making a

1121
00:57:26,079 --> 00:57:29,119
shift slowly and surely we see that our moods, views,

1122
00:57:29,159 --> 00:57:32,320
and insights are transitory. Dependence on the creator within is

1123
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:36,199
really freedom from all other dependencies. Freed from our terrible

1124
00:57:36,199 --> 00:57:39,519
fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity.

1125
00:57:40,079 --> 00:57:42,280
Time and time again, I have seen a recovering creative

1126
00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:44,880
do the footwork of becoming internally clear and focused about

1127
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,079
dreams and delights, take a few outward steps in the

1128
00:57:47,119 --> 00:57:49,280
direction of the dream, only to have the universe fling

1129
00:57:49,320 --> 00:57:52,480
open an unexpected door. One of the central tasks of

1130
00:57:52,519 --> 00:57:57,719
a creative recovery is learning to accept this generosity, the

1131
00:57:57,800 --> 00:58:00,599
virtue trap. An artists must have down time to do nothing.

1132
00:58:00,639 --> 00:58:04,079
For an artist, withdrawal is necessary, otherwise we become vexed, angry,

1133
00:58:04,159 --> 00:58:07,159
or out of sorts, sell undepressed, or hostile. And this

1134
00:58:07,199 --> 00:58:09,719
one's really important because you know when you feel super

1135
00:58:09,800 --> 00:58:11,559
drained and you're like, oh, but I need to see

1136
00:58:11,559 --> 00:58:13,039
this friend or I have to do this thing. This

1137
00:58:13,079 --> 00:58:14,639
is a position I'm in right now in New York

1138
00:58:14,679 --> 00:58:17,239
because I have so much community here and so many

1139
00:58:17,239 --> 00:58:20,280
people want to see me. But I'm like going through it.

1140
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:22,519
You know, I'm not a vibe at parties. I'm not

1141
00:58:22,559 --> 00:58:26,679
gonna like bring the fucking vibes like I'm fucking going

1142
00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:29,199
through it right now, and I need to be alone.

1143
00:58:29,239 --> 00:58:31,079
Like so I'm in this hotel room. I had plenty

1144
00:58:31,079 --> 00:58:33,159
of friends I could have stayed with, but I didn't

1145
00:58:33,199 --> 00:58:35,480
want to be near people like you have to. When

1146
00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:38,320
you know you need to take time, take the time

1147
00:58:38,679 --> 00:58:40,880
and don't feel bad about it, don't feel guilty about it.

1148
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:42,639
If you know you don't want to do a plan,

1149
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:44,400
you know how we all talk about how much we

1150
00:58:44,440 --> 00:58:47,840
love canceled plans. If you know before you make the

1151
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:49,559
plan you don't want to do the plan, don't do

1152
00:58:49,639 --> 00:58:51,679
the plan. If you know you kind of don't like

1153
00:58:51,760 --> 00:58:53,480
that person so much but they're asking you out and

1154
00:58:53,519 --> 00:58:55,440
you want to be nice, don't go out with them.

1155
00:58:55,800 --> 00:58:58,440
And that can be in romantic partnerships or friendships. If

1156
00:58:58,480 --> 00:59:01,480
you have a vibe on someone and it's a little off,

1157
00:59:02,480 --> 00:59:04,639
may we all start to follow our vibes. That's what

1158
00:59:04,679 --> 00:59:06,639
I'm saying. Let's just follow our vibes, and let's call

1159
00:59:06,679 --> 00:59:09,039
our vibes God, because God is guiding us through this life.

1160
00:59:09,039 --> 00:59:10,679
And all the feelings that we get in our guts

1161
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:14,159
about people are always right. I've never been wrong. I've

1162
00:59:14,199 --> 00:59:15,960
never had a gut feeling and been like, oh, I

1163
00:59:16,039 --> 00:59:18,519
was wrong. She was a wonderful person, she was a

1164
00:59:18,559 --> 00:59:21,159
great friend, partner, business partner, my ma, ma, mam. No,

1165
00:59:21,239 --> 00:59:23,400
I've never had that. I've never had that. And when

1166
00:59:23,440 --> 00:59:27,599
I start to get like about people, it's always right.

1167
00:59:28,199 --> 00:59:31,079
So this is a big week of like leaning into God.

1168
00:59:31,199 --> 00:59:33,960
We need to do the prompts at the end of

1169
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:39,360
this one. It's a wishless exercise and also you need

1170
00:59:39,400 --> 00:59:40,840
to do well. You don't have to, but one of

1171
00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:43,199
the homework assignments is talking about why won't you just

1172
00:59:43,239 --> 00:59:45,320
give it to God? Why would you not when has

1173
00:59:45,360 --> 00:59:48,320
he ever let you down? Why wouldn't you relinquish control?

1174
00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:51,280
Why don't you go ahead and do that because life

1175
00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:54,039
is fucking short and God's got it all right, Bessies,

1176
00:59:54,039 --> 00:59:55,559
I'm so proud of you for being on this journey

1177
00:59:55,599 --> 00:59:59,400
with me. Enjoy week five. If you can do another

1178
00:59:59,440 --> 01:00:01,800
week of no reading, no media, go for it. That's

1179
01:00:01,880 --> 01:00:03,760
I'm going to be doing that this week. If you can't,

1180
01:00:04,079 --> 01:00:07,119
all good, not necessary, but more will come to you.

1181
01:00:07,519 --> 01:00:09,280
The less you're on your phone and the less you

1182
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:14,440
take in you know from those around you, the better

1183
01:00:14,519 --> 01:00:18,320
you will feel. So I'll see you later, besties,