Speaker 1: Oh my god, Hi, what's up, besties? How we doing? Uh?
It's your girl, It's mother. It is a shell of mother. Listen,
I'm coming to you from a hotel room in New
York City, sitting in a cup chair. Everything is going
exactly as planned. This is exactly how my life. I
envisioned my life when I was a little girl. I
was like, you know what, when I turned thirty seven,
I am gonna go through. Not only will I already
be divorced and for a while, I'll be happy. I
will have been divorced for a while, but I will
have also met what I thought was my second husband.
And then right around my birthday, a few weeks after
my dog died, I'm gonna find out that man ain't
my fucking man. And that's what I thought was gonna
be going on. And I thought, you know, when I
was a little girl and I was drawing my life,
I thought, you know what I'm gonna be doing at
the age of thirty seven, I'm gonna be looking at
a three hundred square foot apartment in New York City
that also somehow costs five thousand dollars. I mean, you guys,
I'm getting into it. Obviously, I'm getting into it. I'm
gonna tell you everything I can while still maintaining some
level of respect for the relationship I was just in
even though like that didn't really that wasn't really reciprocated
in any capacity at all. Yeah, I have been in
New York for the last week. Oh you guys. I
always do this. I have to promote my shows. You guys,
if you're in Raleigh or you're in Nashville, come to
my fucking shows, because now you know what, here's the
good thing. When there's a lot of pain in my life,
that's when I make my best fucking jokes. Like the
actual formula for comedy is tragedy plus time equals comedy
and has time passed? Probably not enough, but telling you
of these jokes are gonna fulling slap, So come with me.
I'm going to be in Raleigh on June seventeenth and
Nashville on June eighteenth. I think either that or it's
the eighteenth and the nineteenth. I need to get better
at this and I will, and I promise I will.
The next tour I go on. I'm not technically on tour.
This is just like two dates that I was supposed
to do earlier this year. They got rescheduled because the
trees were exploding, and I feel like, honestly, that was
a harbinger of what was about to come. The exploding
trees in Nashville was a bit of an omen about
what was about to go on in my life. I'll
be honest, So I would love to see you guys
at those shows. Please come. I'm in the middle of
like a crazy fucking time in my life. I have
spent the last week in New York City looking for apartments.
I am going to move to New York City. You know,
New York has been one of those cities to me
always that like I've been afraid of. It's really loud,
it's really smelly, there's a lot of people, there's a
lot of intense energy, and it's always kind of like
spooked me a little bit. And you know, it's so
funny because I've I've always preached like your fear is
a compass, right, Like anything you're afraid of is actually
what you need to go do because there's something waiting
for you on the other side of fear. There's always
something waiting for you on the other side of fear,
and I believe that in my bones to be true.
And I've been afraid in New York for a long time.
I think, you know, the comedy scene is intimidating the
I feel like a very very small fish in a
big pond. I might not even be a fish. I
might be a fucking tadpole. I might be like a
micro organism living on the bottom of a shell in
this pond, in this hypothetical pond that has shells, because
now it's the ocean. You guys, just bear with me,
Bear with me. Okay, my life is on fire, my
pants are on fire, everything. And here's the thing. It's
so crazy because like this year has been objectively a
kick in the fucking teeth, Like it was like I
put my mouth on a curb and God fucking curb
stomped me, Like you was just like no. And I
do fully believe in God's plan. I believe in universal guidance.
I believe in universal direction. Like at this point in
my life, I've had so many things go like quote
unquote wrong or be like devastating and painful that never
in my life has anything ever gone like horribly wrong
that didn't lead to something amazing right, so very I'm
very much in the practice of the Chinese farmer right now.
I'm just like I know, I know something better is coming.
And if you guys haven't heard me talk about the
Chinese farmer, now is the perfect time for me to
talk about it, because it really applies. So there's a
parable by Alan Watts. I think it was by Alan Watts.
It might be just accredited to Alan Watts for some reason,
but it's a parable about the Chinese farmer, and it's
about he has a bunch of horses and one of
the horses runs away, and his neighbor comes over, or
he has one horse sorry, and the horse runs away,
and his neighbor comes over and was like, what bad luck,
what bad fortune? And the Chinese farmer says, we'll see.
And then the next day the horse comes back and
he brings a pack of wild horses, and the neighbors
come over and they say, what great portune, and he's like,
well see, you know. And then the next day his
son is trying to train one of the wild horses.
He falls off and he breaks his leg, and the
neighbors come over and they say, oh, what bad fortune.
And he says, we'll see, and then the next day,
the draft, the military draft comes over to take his
son to war, but he's ineligible because his leg is broken.
So the point of that is that, like horrible things
can happen or really great things can happen, and they
always evolve into something else. There's always a bigger picture.
There's always a bigger plan that we don't necessarily see.
There's never been a time in my life where I
haven't gone through inordinate amounts of pain and come out
as stronger and better person. Like some examples that come
to my mind immediately are like when I was in
the pits of my alcoholism and I got my DUI
and I went to jail, I had to go to
jail for thirty days, and I got that DUI. In Arizona,
it's a zero tolerance state, and ten days is their
minimum sentence. So if you have like a beer and
drive in Arizona and you get caught, it's a ten
day jail sentence. That's what it was in twenty eleven
or twenty twelve when I got mine. It might have
changed since then. And I had more than that, and
I drank and I drove and I had to go
to jail for thirty days, and that was like one
of the darker times of my life. I just remember
feeling so angry. I just felt like the crime didn't
match the punishment. And I was really really committed to
my alcoholism at that time, and I really could not
ever accept a world where it was punishable by law
that I drank a little bit, that I fucking impartied. Okay,
now the police want to get involved. I was like,
you fucking narks. So like, it was a dark time
in my life, and I was broke, like I couldn't
I had no money, I had to sell my car
to pay for jail. I just was in a really
really dark place. But because I did that and I
went to jail, what happened is I was working at
an ad agency and the guy who's had a cross
for me had just started doing comedy and he was
going to quit advertising to do comedy full time. And
he told me before he left, He's like, listen, you
probably need therapy right now. You know you're in like
a really dark place, but I know you can't afford it.
He's like, so you should really try stand up. He's like,
you're funny, and he's like, you know, pain makes for
the best humor, so you should give it a shot.
And that's how I started doing stand up like that,
And the first night, you know, I did this writing
course that he recommended to me. And then the first
night I did stand up was to this day the
best night of my life. It was I was sober.
I wasn't sober from alcohol totally at the time, but
the teacher made instructions where he said, you cannot drink
or use during this course at all. You had to
like sign a piece of paper and agreement saying when
you perform you can't be drunk whatever. And so I
was clear headed during this entire experience. And what happened
that first night I did stand up was the closest
thing to feeling connected to source that I've ever felt
in my entire life. Was the moment I knew what
I was put on this earth to do, and it
was so beautiful and it was so powerful. Unfortunately, I
was still very much in the disease of my alcoholism,
and I wasn't able to commit to stand up in
the way that you know, I wish retrospectively I would have.
But again, like, every single thing happens for a reason,
and just because I'm going through an extraordinary amount of
pain doesn't mean that something great isn't on the other side.
And you know, another thing I can think of is
my mom's death. So my mom killed herself a few
days before my wedding, and that's not great, like on paper,
objectively pretty shocking. But you know, my relationship with alcohol
was so closely tied to my relationship with my mother.
I drank at my mom. My mom told me from
a very young age, like, you're gonna be an alcoholic
just like your father. You're gonna ruin your life, You're
gonna kill yourself. You're gonna da da dada. And I
was like, I'll fucking show you an alcoholic bitch. So
I drank at her, and I drank an inordinate amount.
Like I when I first started drinking, you guys, I
would drink an entire bottle of Parrot Bay rum to myself.
The friends would be getting the booze and they're like,
what do you want. I was like a whole bottle
of rum. They're like, oh, that's great, we can share it.
I'm like, I, ah, it's for me, and I can
continue to drink that way. It's not impressive or cool.
It's just how I drank, Like when I got to college.
By the time I got to college, Jamison was my
drink of choice. I was drinking a whole bottle at
Jamison before I went out. I also Bacardi dragon Berry
was in there. At one point. I would drink a
whole It was never just like, oh, she's gonna have
two or three tris. It was the whole bottle, like
shot for shot, pull for pull. I would I remember
one time like just chugging it like it was water
and I just finished a marathon and I just thought
to myself, like while I was hugging, and I was like, iikes, girl,
But I didn't. I wasn't ready to stop. And you know,
so much of my drinking was an elaborate performance art
piece at my mom, you know, to be like, look,
I can drink and I and have this big, beautiful
life that you weren't capable of having. So it was
it was so much of it was drinking to spite her.
And you know, even when I got to a point
in my late twenties when my mom was still alive
and I felt like, ooh, this might be killing me,
you know, because I added things to the mix, like
coke and molly, and I wasn't the fun drunk I
used to be. I got like nasty when I did coke.
I was really mean, I like burned some bridges with friends.
I just wasn't somebody that was like a cool, fun
party girl anymore. Which like I was able to like
manage that for a long time before the drugs were introduced.
But I felt it just taking away from me in
some sense, and me waking up and not knowing what
happened the night before. I mean, you know, I just
didn't love the way it was making me feel. But
I was never gonna stop because my mom was alive
and I wanted to prove to her I can fucking
do this and you can't do this. When she killed herself,
one of the first things I felt was relief. I
felt relief not only because I knew she was finally
gonna be free. I knew that she never experienced peace
a day in her life on this earth, and I
knew she was finally free from whatever had plagged her,
which I would find out later. You know, I did
a lot of work on that and I did find
out what the fuck plagued her, and it was like
not fucking great. But you know, I have such a
profound relationship with my mom now I love her so much.
Now my my sobriety from alcohol is because of my mom.
And you know, I'm I go back and forth between
full sobriety. I have had six years of full, complete
abstinence from everything I have. Where am I at my
sobriety I'm almost I'm running up on Oh well, I'm
running up on nine years this year. So like most
of the time I have been totally sober, there are
times where I go back and forth and weed mushrooms.
You guys know that I tell you guys that I'm
not lying too about anything. I have pretty much quit
smoking weed because I'm just like, I don't need something
that gives me anxiety or makes me feel anything other
than what I'm feeling right now. And like, one thing
I will say about my relationship with my sobriety is
that I tend to do mushrooms and smoke a little
weed when things are going well and I feel safe
and secure, and when shit hits the fan, I am
always like white knuckling, fucking sober. I am going. I'm
not always going to meetings, but I am more involved
in the program, and I am I am living in
full sobriety. When shit hits the fan, which if you
guys didn't, if you can't tell, right now shit has
hit the fan, I'm in a fucking cuck chair at
a w in Union Square, like this is not where
I was supposed to be. I was supposed to be
in the Hamptons this weekend with my now ex boyfriend
like this, this isn't This wasn't the plan. But you
know what, make a plan and God will laugh. We
had great plans all summer, and listen, those great plans
are like very tempting, Like it is very tempting to
stay in a situation when you have like a really
fun couple of months coming up. We were supposed to
go to Italy and we're supposed to go to Saint
Bart's and we had like fun shit to do. But
like life happened, and now I am pivoting and I
am looking for a place in New York. And I
know I know that no matter how painful this is,
something wonderful is on the other side. I know that
there's no way God gave me this year just to
spite me. Okay, you guys, this week's sponsor is once
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I did just go through a breakup, so there's a
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strong and thick and it's growing and I'm so happy.
And it takes time. It really does take time. It
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you besties. Oyay, Sorry, sorry, my camera died because I'm
not an adult. No, actually I ran out of storage
and then I had to chat ept. How do I
fucking get this? I hate being an adult. I miss Mike.
All right, that's what's going on with my life. Anyway,
back to Palm Beach. Not being fucking it for your girl.
I would love for one of you, if you're bored
and you don't have anything else going on, to just
do a smash cut between me. Before I moved to
Palm Beach, when I was like, I'm in love and
I'm really excited for a change of peace, and I
think it's gonna be great. We have a beautiful apartment
to fucking smash cut like three months later, like that
SpongeBob square p oh, oh my god, SpongeBob square pants
where it's like three minutes later, I'm just like, my
designers robbed me my plate studio clothes, my dog died,
and my boyfriend cheated on me, fucking Hong Kong on
my motherfucking clown nose. God forbid a girl be excited
about anything. You know, this is my lesson to never
be fucking excited. I'm good on that. I'm done on excitement. No,
I'm just kidding, Listen. I do still Drew, like truly
believe God's plan is perfect, even if it's painful, like
really really actually, you know, I've had this discussion with
my ex, like the maybe he was just what I
needed to get me out of LA and maybe I
wouldn't have done that if I didn't fall like super
in love with someone. And I think there's like a
lot of lessons for me to learn, there's a lot
of lessons for him to learn. That's for sure, but
there's definitely lessons for me to learn too, Like there
were times early on in this relationship when I had
bad gut feelings about things. And I've talked about gut
feelings before on this podcast about how if you don't
follow your gut, it will explode in your face. And
I think it's really challenging. And I'm gonna speak from
personal experience here and maybe some of you guys will
be able to relate, and maybe you guys will think
I'm a fucking idiot, and either way, I don't care.
I'm telling you the truth. This is like my experience
with this situation is that there were things early on
in the relationship where I was like, uh, those are
red flags, following a bunch of Horizon instagram liking their pictures,
going out late, having after hours with random girls, Like,
there was definitely red flags. Okay, I just threw them
in the wash with a little bleach and I made
them light pink, and I was like, and now they're
kind of cute. Right now. It's like a bandana. We
can wear it on our head when it's a warm day.
We can wear this pink bandana on our head in
Paris when we go to Paris with him on the
third date. No, there were red flags that I ignored because
I was madly in love with this person, Like I
followed my heart instead of my gut. And may that
be my lesson. Because here's the thing about women, right,
we are witches. Our intuition always knows, we always know.
And here's the thing. I'm not going to get into
a ton of details on the this part of the podcast.
I am going to get into like the details on
the Patreon because like that's what we do over there,
we fucking Kiki and I spill the beans. I'm trying
to operate from a place of integrity for a person
that I have a ton of love for still and
I hope he figures it out. But what I will say,
I don't regret it. I will say that I don't
regret it. I think if I had, you know, when
he said he was moving to Palm Beach and I
had the chance to either break up with him or
move with him because long distance was not working for us,
I'm glad I moved. I'm glad I like I firmly
believe that when you love is so rare, and when
you find it, you have to follow it. You have
to follow it. And how lucky am I that I
got the chance to be in love, like truly, truly,
very in love. And whether or not that person was
giving me the kind of commitment and respect I was
giving them almost is irrelevant because I know how I
showed up in that relationship, and it was one hundred
and ten percent. I was one hundred and ten percent in.
I was ten toes down. I moved my ass to
Palm Beach. I gave up my my community in LA
and my career, which was not smart. But I also
like needed a break. I deeply needed a break from comedy.
I deeply needed to like heal a little bit, and
I thought I would be able to do it there,
and like I unfortunately was not able to because the
world just truly fucking kicked my ass when I got there.
You know, I think again, like the designers robbing me
were like a harbinger of like what was to come.
And it's like, oh, your friend's betrayed you and stole
money from you, that becomes not even significant when your
dog dies that has like you know, that was my
soul dog who'd been with me through everything. And it's
so funny because a lot of you guys were like,
after Biggie passed, They're like, you know, he knew you
found the love of your life and that you were
it was safe to let you go. I'm like, I
think I know Biggie better than that. I think Biggie
knew what the fuck was going on. Here's the thing.
Old Bro had a fucking privacy screen on his phone,
and I couldn't see what he was doing, but uh,
Biggie could. Biggie would get all up in there and
look and he was like, oh, shit's about to fucking
hit the fan. I gotta go. He's like, I can't.
I can't be with her through another breakup. That was
too much work. He's just drank too many tears. He
got dehydrated from the saltiness. Like it was just you know,
he would always lick my tears. But I will tell
you this, like when I was in the middle of it,
and I'm still in the middle of it, I'm still
going through it. But like when I had just found
what I found in the phone that I didn't like,
and none of you would like, by the way, nobody
would like what I found I had never felt so
alone in my life like I at one point. Because
when I do go through heartbreak or when I do
have you know, big losses, I always had Biggie, Like
he was always there. I could always cuddle him. I
always knew he's gonna like lick the tears off my face.
And when I kicked him out of the house, not Biggie,
obviously he left on his own accord. Uh. When I
kicked my ex out of the house, it was just
me and the crashing reality that like my world is
falling apart, like the world that I was trying to
build is falling apart, and I don't have my dog,
And I was like rocking in the fetal position, scream crying,
and I just felt so sad and so alone. It
was like it was a loneliness and a pain that
like I wish on no one, and it just felt
so dark, like my friends aren't there, my partner who
I moved there to build a life with, like I
thought that was my next husband. Like I don't really
date casually, and maybe that's something I need to start doing.
But like I date, like I show up in relationships
as a wife fully, I make a home, I provide
emotional support. I do everything in meaningful partnerships. And I've
only had one other meaningful partnership, and that person was
my husband, my now ex husband, And this person I
thought was going to be my husband. And you know,
I could blame it on his age, but I honestly
don't want to, because I think that's a cop out.
I think, you know, I was thinking of myself at
twenty seven, or you know, he's about to be twenty eight.
I was thinking to myself then, and I was like,
what kind of partner was I? What kind of person
was I? And I was engaged and I was a
wonderful partner and I drank a lot, but that didn't
make me a bad partner. I think when you use
the excuse of drinking as a reason that you're a
bad partner, maybe you're just covering up what your actual
character is. And I think maybe you don't have a
ton of integrity, and that's okay, like a lot of
people don't. And I don't think he's really the the
prototype of person that would have a ton of integrity.
But it's unfortunate. It's unfortunate that, like you know, I
got very, very very very very badly hurt in this.
And I also, here's the thing, So there's a girl
involved in this. Obviously that's not me, and I'm going
to get into like the nitty gritty details on the
Patreon and I'm sorry to keep saying that, but like,
there are some things I cannot, like actually just put
out on like the real, actual fucking YouTube internet because
that's crazy. But there is another girl involved here. And
I've been thinking long and hard about this girl because
I'm being told they're friends. They're just friends, they're just friends.
They have a really weird relationship, but they're friends. And
you know, I'm just like pissed down my back. But
don't tell me it's raining do the shitty thing. But
don't fucking lie to me. Come on, I wasn't born yesterday.
I was actually born ten years before you, so I've
been around. But this girl knew about me the whole
time and just continued to have this highly inappropriate relationship
with my partner. And it's his fault as much as
it's her fault. It's more his fault. It's more his fault.
I'm not going to be mad at her, and I
just I want to make a point here though, because
I was thinking to myself, I'm like, what kind of
fucking person does this? Like when you know someone's in
a relationship and you don't care and you send salacious
photos of yourself and you are just like wildly inappropriate,
but you know that person has a partner and not
just a partner like somebody who lives with them. And
then I was like, ahhh, I know what kind of
girl does that? Me? Me? Not me now, but me
fifteen to twenty years ago. Yeah, me, Okay, not twenty
because then I was fifteen and I wasn't texting married men,
but like you know, I had a run with athletes
where I didn't give a fuck if they were married.
And it's so funny to me because like, karma does
not miss a doorstep. Karma like you think you get
away with something, and it's like ding dong, bitch, here's
your fucking karma. This is my karma. This is what
I get. I get to be totally in love with
a man, to have uprooted my life for him, and
I get a woman who's like slutty and hot and
doesn't really have a moral compass, drinks a lot, doesn't
really give a fuck, hasn't done a ton of work
on herself. I could probably guess who doesn't give a fuck.
That's what I get. I get me just a little
bit later in life. So it hurts me this time.
Instead of me being the person who causes the hurt,
I am getting hurt this time. And I had like
a aha moment where I was like, oh my god,
this is what I get. This is what I get
from my bad behavior in my twenties, literally like eighteen
to twenty four. Yeah, it was five years of bad behavior.
It was five years of me not giving a fuck
if someone had a husband, like if they're in the NBA,
I'm like, it doesn't matter, they all cheat whatever, who cares?
Who cares? I justified it six ways towards the weekend,
as I'm sure this person also did, or maybe she
didn't even justify it, maybe she doesn't actually give a fuck.
And that's where I was at one point in my life.
And like you guys, karma, Karma is a bigger bitch
than anyone could ever be. And so I just have
to remember that if I think anyone's getting away with
anything in this situation, or if I think I'm getting
the short end of the stick. God's gotcha. God will
curb stop that person. And it doesn't mean that it's
gonna happen right away. It doesn't mean that like someone
does you wrong and then they get to get hit
by a bus. But it does mean that if you
do something wrong, or if someone else does something wrong,
that exact thing will be served to them on a
fucking platter when it is the most painful, when they
are the most vulnerable, and when the lesson can finally
be received, because it would have been a shame if
this happened to me and I didn't learn the lesson.
And it's like, of course, I've done work on myself
and I've gone to therapy and I've become a different person,
and I'm somebody that would actually genuinely not hit on
somebody in a relationship or a married person. Like that's
not my personality anymore. It used to be my personality, though,
And so I just want to like remind you guys
that a fucking karma's coming, So don't rest, you know,
if we're sitting on our laurels being like, oh look
at my beautiful, young, ambitious, wonderful, hot great in bed boyfriend.
How did I get so lucky and then woo pow,
just fucking getting hit over the head with karma. It's
kind of funny. It's kind of funny, Like listen, was
that relationship perfect? No, it was flawed six ways towards
the weekend, But like I was very in love with him,
and if two weeks ago he asked me to marry him,
I would have said, yes. I was all in on
that guy. I was all in. I don't go halfway in.
And that's the addict in me. And I don't know
if you guys can relate to this as addicts, but
I'm not saying that you guys are. I'm just saying
if any of you are addicts. I do think addiction
carries over to sex and love and love feels so good.
And when I fall in love, I am like, like,
rose colored glasses aren't even enough. I don't have rose
colored glasses. I have blindfold a blindfold, I see nothing,
you know. I always say when people show you who
they are, you gotta believe them. The first time I
believed them. The seventh time, I was like, okay, all right,
excuse me choking, because it takes a while to not
be so in love with someone that you can't see straight.
You know. And a friend said something really great to
me the other day. Sorry, I'm choking, hang on. So
I have had friends and relationships that have this tendency
to not tell anyone when something is going wrong because
that way, when they were repaid, if they want to
repair it with the person, then all of their friends
and family don't hate that person. I think that's smart.
I think that's smart if you want to keep the relationship.
I don't think it's smart. I think it's a way
to evade accountability, right because you don't want the people
that love you the most to know what's going on
in your relationship. If you're in a relationship where you
don't want the people you love the most to know
what's going on, you're in the wrong relationship. Because when
a shit hit the fan, my ex was like, well,
you told everyone now, so now they're all gonna hate me.
And I was like, yeah, well, like, don't act in
a way where you prevent me from being able to
tell the truth about you. That's the solution here. You
don't if you don't behave in a way where if
I repeat it, it's a horror story. Then nobody's ever
gonna think poorly of you, and that that's the truth.
So my friend's inne something really poignant the other day,
Ali Colbert, you guys know are I'm gonna get her
back on the podcast soon because I know you guys
loved that episode. But she said it was her mom
who told her this, but love is blind, but the
neighbors aren't. And I thought that was so poignant because
after we had our initial incident, let's call it, and
I was tore up from the floor up. I was devastated, heartbroken, betrayed, angry, sad,
violated all of the bad things. I was in a really,
really bad place. But I was confronted with the fact that, like,
I still love this person very much, and he betrayed me,
and he hurt me, and he made me look like
a fucking clown. But I still love this person. And
I've never been in that position before. I've never been
cheated on. And listen, like I said, we'll get into
it later. He's adamant he didn't cheat because it was
never physical. That doesn't matter to me. Having a flirtatious
and inappropriate relationship via text with someone. Our entire relationship
is cheating, and it makes me feel like we've been
together zero months instead of eleven. So but he was adamant.
He's like, I'll block her. I won't, I won't follow her,
I'll never talk to her again. You know, I'll do anything.
I'll do anything that you want to regain your trust.
And I was in a tough position because I was
gonna give him another chance. I was gearing up to
give them another chance because we lived together, our lives
are very enmeshed. I love this person very much. But
then you know, I set some simple boundaries of things
that Cannon cannot happen in the relationship again, and five
days later he violated one of them. And so he
made it really easy for me. He made it really
easy for me to be like, your words and your
actions do not match, and I cannot be an idiot
who listens to the fucking I'm so sorry. I love
you so much. Da da da da da da da. No.
I'm a big age. I'm a big old age. Baby
Mama just turned thirty seven. I'm rounding the corner on forty.
I have done so much work on myself to love myself.
And I think sometimes people come into your life to
test to I really do. I really think God gives
you really, really insane tests, And like I think, there's
a version of me three years ago, right after my divorce,
when I was very vulnerable and very fragile. Had I
found the love that I just was in sooner, I
would have stayed because I was so desperate to be
loved and I felt so alone, and I would have.
I would have stayed. I hate to say that, but
I would have. But but this version of me, unfortunately
he caught this fuck version of me. Because this version
of me, I love myself enough to walk away. I
don't ever want one of my partners, one of my
life partners, one of my long term partners, to ever
put me in a position ever where I have to
choose if I love them more than I respect myself,
because the answer will always be a resounding no. And
it doesn't matter how much I love them, I will
always respect myself more. I will respect my boundaries more.
I just have done the work, and that fucking sucks.
That sucks. And I know the older I get and
the more confident I get in myself, and the more
work I do on myself, because unfortunately, this is going
to lead to more work. This It's not like the
fucking works over and I can take my hard hat off.
It's like, no, now I have to do more work.
I have to do more work out myself and figure
out why I've attracted people like this, why I'm attracting
this sort of chaotic love. And you know, I'm gonna
be doing this work on myself in a new city
that I've never lived in. Quite frankly, I've never really
liked that much, but I'm like feeling very inspired by
it this trip. I just am like, there's a lot
going on, Guys, like, there's this. This year has been
a lot, and for whatever reason it was meant to be,
it was meant to be. I do believe that. And
here's the other thing. I know that both of us
are gonna come out of this stronger. I do know
I'll be the impetus for change in his life, and
I know I will haunt him. No, I'm just kidding, Yeah, No,
I know both of us are going to change profoundly
from this, and I'm very excited to move to New York.
I also, like hate to say this, but Biggie fucking
hated New York and maybe he just knew. Maybe he
knew stuff I didn't know. Like I just think dogs
have divine intelligence, and you know, they just he maybe
he knew more than I knew at the time. And
there will be a really fucking hard world to have
a dog with a feeding twoe hanging out of his
neck in New York City when he hates it here,
you know. So I'm trying to look at all the
silver linings. I'm trying to stay positive. That's kind of
where That's kind of where I'm at, guys. I've just
been doing a lot of self reflecting. I cry from
time to time. I really cried. Between the last time
I recorded and this time, I have really cried. I
have really cried. And I just want to let you
guys know. If you're thinking about going on lexiphone and
you're like, I don't want to do it because I'll
never be able to feel anything, honey, you can feel
all of it, not your clit, but your feelings. You
can feel all of it. You will be able to laugh,
you will be able to cry, you will be able
to experience life. It just doesn't get so low and like,
I've never been more grateful for my lexiprone in my
life than I am right now, because when I went
through my divorce is when I was the most suicidal
I had ever been. It was such a deep dark
place that I couldn't get myself out of. I couldn't
journal myself out of it. I couldn't meditate myself out
of it. I couldn't pray myself out of it. I
couldn't walk myself out of it. I couldn't get out
of it okay. And I think lexapro is in the
process of and has already saved my life. And I
will be okay if I stay medicated and I stay
close to my community and my friends. And here's the thing.
When shit hits a man, you really realize how wonderful
your friends are. Like I think when we're in a relationship,
we have a tendency to pick our partner over our
friends because that person becomes your best friend, and it's
your best friend that you're fucking and you have like
this hot, amazing sexon this great life and you're just like,
who needs friends? And I don't ever like fully cut
my friends off, but I'm like a little bit less effort.
And that's another lesson I need to learn, because, my god,
when the shit hit the fan, do I have good friends?
I mean, my friends have been calling and checking in
on me. My dad has been so wonderful. And that's
the other thing. This whole thing is a fucking mess.
Like my dad is in Florida wiring his bagel shop
and his best friends are the contractors on the job.
I'm like, Dad, just like wire it so is up
an explode. No, I'm just kidding. I didn't say that,
and my dad would never My dad is such a
man of integrity. I told him what was going on.
You know, his initial reaction was, I do want to
leave the job. I don't want to do this anymore,
Like why would I want to do something for someone
who just hurt my daughter so immensely. But my dad
is a fucking incredible person, and my act should be
so lucky that he has so much integrity because he's
going to finish the job and he's going to do
a good job. And that's it. That's really it. Like
what a fucking hell fire, acid bath of a mess.
My poor father is now going to spend his summer which,
by the way, is his favorite time of year. It's
when he has his garden, it's when he plays baseball.
It's his favorite time of year. And like, let's be honest,
he's in his sixties, you know that is the do
we start to think how many of these summers do
I have left? And he is sacrificing his summer too?
Why are this kid's bagel shop? And sorry, not kid.
I don't even know what to call him. You guys
all know his name, but I'm just like at this
point not saying his name anymore. It's gonna be like Voldemort,
like the name. We're not gonna say It's We can
go back to mister Manhattan if we have to. But honestly,
he's like mister West Palm Beach at this point. So
mister moron, No, it's just it's a mess. But it's
gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fine. God's got it.
God's plan is perfect. Even if it's painful, life is good.
Everything's gonna be a okay. I'm gonna hop into bad
vice now. Like I said, there's more over on the Patreon.
If you're salving the artist's way with me, we're gonna
get into that. I love you guys so much. This
isn't goodbye. I don't know. I am act think it's
goodbye bad bye. Okay. I've been with my boyfriend for
two years. He's twenty four, I'm twenty six, but we
feel worlds apart. I have a six figure day job
and he has a ton of dreams but no ambition.
It kills me because I know if he applied himself,
he could be great at anything. But it doesn't seem
like my words are lighting a fire under his ass.
What do I do? And at what age does potential
stop being attractive? Oh? Oh, don't I know this? Don't
I know this? Hang on a second, this is the
worst feeling in the world. I'm gonna validate you that
this is a horrible feeling. But we can't be dating potential,
right So I I think we do this thing as people,
not just women, but as people where there's a phase
in the early relationship called limerens right where you meet
a person and you're so obsessed with them and you
like them so much, and you see how amazing they
could be, Like if you are running their life, you
see how great their life could be. So then you
step in and you try and run their life, or
you try and help them run their life, or you
try and point them in the right direction of where
you think their life would be the most successful, and
you try and do all these things for them, and
they often will not take the bait right because it's
like you can lead a horse to water, but you
can't make it drink. So people have to be inspired
from within to make change, and that includes ambition, Like
ambition is not something you can give someone right I have.
My ex husband is the funniest person I've ever met
my entire life. He I am friends with every not
friends with. Some of my best friends are professional comedians
and they are some of the funniest people in the world.
My ex husband puts them to fucking shame. He is
funnier than all of them. He could run circles around
all of them. He is the funniest person I've ever
met in my entire life. I tell everyone that I
will tell everyone that until the day I die, there
is not a funnier person on this planet than my
ex husband. No one comes close. It's not even kind
of close. Like some people have been funny, and like
I don't know THEO Vaughn is one of my best friends.
He's fucking hilarious. But Chris, my ex husband, he's funnier.
He's funnier, he's he's just funnier. Like I don't, I don't.
He is quicker and he has such a special brain.
And I spent that whole marriage being like, do something
with this, like whether it's comedic acting. I could have
seen him being like a Paul Rudd because he's also
very handsome. He actually looks like a Hemsworth, Like he
looks like Chris Hemsworth. And then he's like the funniest
person like alive. It was a maddening combination to watch
somebody do nothing with it. But he didn't want to.
He just wanted to like work on cars and hang
out with his buddies. And you know, he had a
day job that he kind of hated, but like he
was good with that. And some people are just good
where they're at and they don't have the ambition, they
don't have the fire, and it's you know, it's a
lot of things. It's how they were raised, it's whether
or not they have ever needed to develop a survival instinct,
you know, I think creativity comes out of a need
to survive. And while it's easier to create when you're comfortable,
I think the best creativity comes from when you're in
like a really dark place and you have to create
to get yourself out of that dark place. So it's
really really hard to watch someone and know they have
so much potential but they're not doing anything with it
and you can't make them. And how long have you
guys been together? No? No, no, no, I've been only two years. Okay,
so have you seen any change in two years? Has
the needle moved at all? If the needle hasn't moved
at all in two years, two years isn't a long time,
but it's a long enough time to know the character
of that person and whether or not they are actually
going to do anything with their lives, because they would
be doing something with their life. He is, well, he's
twenty four. That's tough. That's a tough age. Twenty four
is a tough age. But also it's not like I
go back to me at twenty four. I had a career.
I was in advertising. I sure I had only been
there for like a year and a half, but like
I had a career and I was working of you know,
forty hours a week. That's not impressive. That's just what
I was doing. But if you see someone with a
complete lack of ambition at twenty four, they have a
ton of time to turn it around. And it might
be infuriating. But here's the thing. Sometimes people don't change
until you leave. Sometimes you can be like, you gotta
do this, you gotta do something with your life. You
gotta da da da da da da, you gotta you
gotta getta yeah, And if you stay, they won't because
they think there's no consequences and you are the prize
and they already have the prize, So why would they
work harder for the prize when you already are the
prize and they have you. And that is what happened
with my ex husband. Did he go on to become
Paul Rudd. No, But he launched a hot dog company
called Gleazy, which you guys should all go have because
it is legitimately the best hot dog I've ever had
in my entire life. He got ambitious enough to do
a side project that's going to make I'm a millionaire.
He's fucking crushing it. He now also has like the
lead job at NBA two K. He's running their creative
he's doing big boy shit now. And like, I'm not
saying that's because I left, but I am saying there
was an impetus because I left and he had time
and he was sad and going through shit. And sometimes
when you're sad and you're going through shit, you are
forced to create. Like I said, so like, unfortunately, sometimes
walking away from people is the thing that makes them change,
and then they become the person that you wish they
were when you guys were together. But they would have
never been able to become that person if you stayed.
So I don't want you to beat yourself up if
you do leave. If you do leave and he does
turn into the person that you wanted him to be,
just no, it's because that space you left was so painful.
He had to fill it with purpose and he had
to find ambition and that would not have happened if
you stayed. So that is my my opinion on that.
I don't date potential anymore. I'm just like, yeah, we
can't take potent to the bank, you know. I want
to go on vacations now, I want to do fune
it now. I want to be with somebody who's driven now.
I want to you know, I want a partner who
meants me where I'm at right now. You know, I
don't want to partner who's gonna get there in a
few years. I don't want a partner who's, you know,
promising me that you know they're going to change or
they're coming, or they're on their way or I promm didn't. Now,
you are who you are right now, and you got
to date who that person is right now. So if
you don't like who they are right now, then you
have to think if they didn't, if nothing changed for
two years, would you be happy and would you stay?
Because if the answer is no, then there's your answer. Okay,
we have one more. Oh, I wrote this down too
like potential, it's it's funny. Potential's funny, right, Like I
could be a fucking astronaut if I wanted to. Actually,
I don't know if I can. I might be too old.
But like I would have to really want to be
an astronaut, you know, I would really I would have
to like go to a lot of school and figure out.
I don't even think my ears could handle that pressure.
I can't even dive into a pool without like getting
water in my ears. My ears are so fucked up
because I got tubes when I was a kid. I
don't think I can go to space. But I guess,
like what I'm saying hypothetically is, if I really wanted
to become an astronaut, I could become an astronaut. But
if you want to date an astronaut right now, you
can't date me. You gotta date somebody who's an actual astronaut,
because like it's gonna take a lot of work, and
it's gonna take a lot of time, and like things
could go wrong on the journey of trying to get
to of my journey of me trying to become an astronaut,
Like my fucking had could explode because my ears are
all fucked up inside because I had like ten runs
of tubes when I was a kid. So it's like, yeah,
do you want to hold their hand through that journey
while they become the person that you wish they were
right now? I don't know. So I don't know if
your man's gonna become an astronaut. Sounds like probably not,
probably fucking not. Okay, one more um Okay. I have
been with my man for four years and never went
through his phone. Oh boy, But the other day I
was sitting out and I had a feeling I should look.
He was dming girls flirty shit. I think they're girls.
He stuck up with most of them. Do you I
think it's emotional cheating. It's emotional cheating worse than physical cheating.
Do I stay or do I go? Sos? All right,
So I think if you're just if your boyfriend is
sending flirty messages to girl, that's an absolutely fucking not
under who, Like, in what world? In what world did
men do men think this is okay? In what fucking world? Also,
if you ever have a gut feeling to go through
someone's phone, go through it, Go fucking through it. That
gut feeling is God. But here's what I will say
about Instagram. It's so fucking embarrassing, right, nobody wants a
man whose little heart is floating above other girls pictures.
That is so cringe. It's so gross because you know
what they're saying, Hey, I'm here, Remember I'm here, Like,
I don't know, you didn't really give me enough to
say if it's emotional cheating like, I don't know what
flirty is. I don't know, but all I know for
sure is when there's smoke, there's fire. And I think
emotional cheating or inappropriate texting is the same, if not
worse than physical cheating. Do you stare you? Do you go?
You have to DM me, girl, I need more information.
I just think that if you ever had a feeling
you should go through someone's phone, and then you went
through it and new fund something you didn't like, you
should go. I think he should go. I think he
should fucking go because that person is showing you their integrity,
They're showing you their character, They're showing you their commitment
to the relationship, and they can tell you upside down
in sideways how much they love you and how you're
the only person that matters, and how you're their whole
white world. But the actions are different. The actions are different.
So I think if he's flirting with someone in the
DMS like fuck that noise to hell, fuck that noise
all the way to hell again, you're gonna have to
DM me and give you more information. But that is
that's my two cents. Um, Okay, you guys were gonna
do word of the week word of the week brought
my book to New York. Aren't you so proud of me? Oh? Perjure,
that's a good one for this week. Perjure p e
r j u r e perjure. It's a verb. It
means to lie or give false and misleading testimony. To
perjure oneself is to commit the crime of testifying to
something one knows is untrue perjure. Some perjure was happening
in my house this weekend when my boyfriend ex boyfriend
was on trial. Perjure. Um, all right, if I lose
you here, you guys, I love you so much, do
me a big favor. Please go to my Spotify or
Apple and give me five stars if you like the podcast.
That would really help me. It would mean so much
if you do that to me. And if you haven't
subscribed to my YouTube bar, please do that. I know
we're like dangerously close to fifty thousand subscribers and that
would be very exciting if we got to fifty thousand subscribers.
So go give mama some love. I promise we're turning
a fucking corner, you guys, We are turning a fucking corner.
I can feel it. Uh go give mama some love
and I will see you all next week. Love you bestiaes.
Bye bye. Okay, artists, Ways, honey bunnies, how are we doing?
How was this week? I know it was our It
was a hard week. If you guys did it right,
it was a hard week. I have to be so honest.
I could not do the no reading and it's not
because I wanted to read. It's because my life was
falling the fuck apart and I needed to look for
apartments and it's a it was a matter of life
and death for me. So what I'm going to do
this week is the no reading challenge because I'm going
to be in a position where I will be able
to do that no reading, no media whatever. I really
didn't take in a lot of media. I didn't watch
TV or movies or anything like that. But I wasn't
able to not read because I was like reading apartment
listings all day every day. That's like what I've been
up to. Okay, So this week is Week five. It
is recovering a sense of possibility. Very exciting. I want
to know who's doing this with me? Please, If you're
doing this with me, can you please dm me, and
I promise I will DM you back. DM me on
Talking Schmidt, though, because my other page is a fucking
hell fire acid bath of just guys being like, you
want to see my dick? What do you think about
micro penises? Can I buy a picture of your feet?
Like that? That's those dms. So if you could just
DM me on talk and Schmidt, I promise I will
DM you back. I just want to know how many
of us are doing this together and if we're like
actually doing it okay, recovering a sense of possibility. One
of the chief barriers to accepting God's generosity is our
limited notion of what we are in fact able to accomplish.
We may tune into the voice of the creator within,
hear a message and then discount it as crazy or impossible.
So I want when ideas come to you, And this
is why the no reading week is so important, because
we don't actually give our brains time for ideas to
come to us. But when they do come to you,
just pay attention to them, write them down, journal about
them in your morning pages. Whatever they are, just keep
paying attention to what the universe is trying to tell you.
I also want to hear about your artist states, how
have those been going, How your morning pages are going?
All of that stuff. Morning pages are like, truly transformational
and have changed my life. So I hope we're all
doing them remembering that God is my source. We are
in the spiritual position to have an unlimited bank account.
We unconsciously set a limit on how much God can
give us and help us. So we think to ourselves,
I can't have that. I can't have that big I
can't have that penthouse at the top of Manhattan. I
can't My creativity is never going to make me millions
of dollars. Sure it makes them millions of dollars, but
for whatever reason, it can't make me. We got to
get rid of those thoughts, you guys. We got to
just think we can have whatever the fuck we want.
Whatever we dream of we can actually have. We just
can't have limiting beliefs. And I know that's hard to
not have limiting beliefs when there are realities like money,
and you know, all sorts of different realities that you know,
you have a kid running around the house. How am
I going to become the next Michaelangelo? I get it,
I understand, but just do yourself a favor and believe
that you can, even if it's just for a week,
just believe that you can. You know, and this isn't
to say it's like I pray and then presto, you know,
like I pray and then all of a sudden, I'm
you know, making millions of dollars off of my creativity,
or my movie gets picked up, or my book gets published,
or you know, any of this stuff. But we have
to believe that we're allowed to catch the bus, right.
We have to know in our hearts that what everyone
else can have, we can have. And more, anything we
dream of can be ours if we just believe that. Okay,
so we have to cooperate with God's plan to manifest
goodness in our lives. We can begin to let go
of having to sabotage ourselves. So, in other words, pray
to catch the bus and then run as fast as
you can. Run as fast as you can. You have
to do the work. You have to do these morning pages.
You have to take yourself on artist dates. You have
to like open up your channels of creativity. You have
to allow God into the equation. And then when things
start to happen and it's synchronicity. Don't scoff at it.
Just know that's the universe conspiring in your favor. And
I promise you it's going to start to feel a
lot easier. And if you feel like it's a lot
more in the flow, and it's just going to start
to feel better. So God has lots of money, He
has lots of movie ideas, He has novel ideas, poem songs, paintings,
acting jobs. God has a supply of love, friends, houses
that are all available to us. So sky is the limit.
Whatever you want, open yourself up to God, and it
might not come the way that you think it's going
to come. You know, you might want to be a
New York Times bestselling author and maybe you write the
book and the book isn't such a big success, but uh,
you know, a producer gets their hands on it, and
then it turns into a TV show and then all
of a sudden, the TV you're winning an Emmy for
the writing and that you know like and and that's
a pie in that. That's not hi. This guy that
could fucking happen, Like anything could happen. So you just
have to be open to the miracles that God's trying
to give you. Okay, I want to sound a cautionary
note here for all artists who put their creative lives
solely into human hands. This can block your good I
have had very well meaning managers who want me to
understand their worth by telling me what I should and
shouldn't do. And the only time I've ever had success
in this career is when I've done what they told
me not to do. My first special, my manager told
me not to shoot. He said, wait until Comedy Central
or Netflix or someone picks it up. I would still
be waiting. I would be waiting for the rest of
my life. And they are trying to make themselves important
and valuable. But like you have to follow your instincts
and follow your gut and do do the creative things
that are calling to you, and don't listen to the
people around you. People around you will also try and
give you their fears, especially family members or people that
wish they were doing what you were doing. They're going
to try and give you their fears. You can't take
them on. So I've said before that creativity is a
spiritual issue. Any progress is made by leaps of faith,
some small and some large. What payoff are you getting
for remaining stuck at this point in your expansion? God
as my source is a simple but completely effective plan
for living. God will provide. At night, before we fall asleep,
we can list areas in which we need guidance. In
the morning, writing on the same topics, we find ourselves
seeing previously unseen avenues of approach. The shift to spiritual
dependency as a gradual one. We have been making a
shift slowly and surely we see that our moods, views,
and insights are transitory. Dependence on the creator within is
really freedom from all other dependencies. Freed from our terrible
fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity.
Time and time again, I have seen a recovering creative
do the footwork of becoming internally clear and focused about
dreams and delights, take a few outward steps in the
direction of the dream, only to have the universe fling
open an unexpected door. One of the central tasks of
a creative recovery is learning to accept this generosity, the
virtue trap. An artists must have down time to do nothing.
For an artist, withdrawal is necessary, otherwise we become vexed, angry,
or out of sorts, sell undepressed, or hostile. And this
one's really important because you know when you feel super
drained and you're like, oh, but I need to see
this friend or I have to do this thing. This
is a position I'm in right now in New York
because I have so much community here and so many
people want to see me. But I'm like going through it.
You know, I'm not a vibe at parties. I'm not
gonna like bring the fucking vibes like I'm fucking going
through it right now, and I need to be alone.
Like so I'm in this hotel room. I had plenty
of friends I could have stayed with, but I didn't
want to be near people like you have to. When
you know you need to take time, take the time
and don't feel bad about it, don't feel guilty about it.
If you know you don't want to do a plan,
you know how we all talk about how much we
love canceled plans. If you know before you make the
plan you don't want to do the plan, don't do
the plan. If you know you kind of don't like
that person so much but they're asking you out and
you want to be nice, don't go out with them.
And that can be in romantic partnerships or friendships. If
you have a vibe on someone and it's a little off,
may we all start to follow our vibes. That's what
I'm saying. Let's just follow our vibes, and let's call
our vibes God, because God is guiding us through this life.
And all the feelings that we get in our guts
about people are always right. I've never been wrong. I've
never had a gut feeling and been like, oh, I
was wrong. She was a wonderful person, she was a
great friend, partner, business partner, my ma, ma, mam. No,
I've never had that. I've never had that. And when
I start to get like about people, it's always right.
So this is a big week of like leaning into God.
We need to do the prompts at the end of
this one. It's a wishless exercise and also you need
to do well. You don't have to, but one of
the homework assignments is talking about why won't you just
give it to God? Why would you not when has
he ever let you down? Why wouldn't you relinquish control?
Why don't you go ahead and do that because life
is fucking short and God's got it all right, Bessies,
I'm so proud of you for being on this journey
with me. Enjoy week five. If you can do another
week of no reading, no media, go for it. That's
I'm going to be doing that this week. If you can't,
all good, not necessary, but more will come to you.
The less you're on your phone and the less you
take in you know from those around you, the better
you will feel. So I'll see you later, besties,