WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:09.199 This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great 2 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:15.240 Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:16.160 --> 00:00:17.719 It's a Great Love Debate. 4 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:21.559 Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great 5 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:24.920 Love Debate, the world's number one dating and relationship podcast 6 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:28.320 since twenty fifteen. I'm back here in the very fine 7 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:32.159 studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. It is 8 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:35.799 what they call this season down here. It's very festive. 9 00:00:35.960 --> 00:00:38.799 It's fun, it's nice, sunny, all the good things. 10 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:39.359 Uh. 11 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:41.880 We've been doing this podcast, as you guys know, a 12 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:46.079 long long time, and the overwhelming majority of our episodes, 13 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:48.679 we always are trying to push that the motivating factors 14 00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:53.119 when it comes to love, dating relationships are hope and possibilities, 15 00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:55.280 and we always want to say that things are rooted 16 00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:57.079 in that, and all the good things are rooted in that. 17 00:00:57.240 --> 00:00:58.399 Yes, I stand by all that. 18 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:00.560 Let's put that over on the on the side here 19 00:01:00.560 --> 00:01:02.560 for a second, because I want to get into something 20 00:01:02.840 --> 00:01:04.560 a little deeper, a little more complicated. I got a 21 00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:05.799 real pro is going to come in and help me 22 00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:09.480 in a second. But so much of our dating and 23 00:01:09.519 --> 00:01:11.319 I just talk about this at our live shows back 24 00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:12.879 in the day. It really put a downer on it, 25 00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:14.359 so I stopped talking about it, which is a little 26 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:18.599 bit dishonest. But so much of how we date, love 27 00:01:19.480 --> 00:01:25.640 exist in relationships is rooted in fear. It affects how 28 00:01:25.680 --> 00:01:29.920 we date, it affects who we date, even why and 29 00:01:29.959 --> 00:01:33.120 when everything is somewhat rooted in fear and fear can 30 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:35.680 be a motivated thing, motivating thing, but a lot of 31 00:01:35.680 --> 00:01:38.319 times it holds us back, not just in dating, but 32 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:40.480 in the changes we want to make in our lives 33 00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:43.560 that's going to lead to, hopefully something better. So I 34 00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:45.560 want to take a deep dive on that. I hate 35 00:01:45.560 --> 00:01:47.400 to bring her. She could probably talk about a lot 36 00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:49.799 of things, but I know I heard her say something 37 00:01:49.799 --> 00:01:51.480 about this, and I'm going to tell her what she 38 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:54.319 said that I thought was so interesting. She is an 39 00:01:54.319 --> 00:01:58.319 empowerment coach. She's the host of the Bravo Unscripted podcast. 40 00:01:58.840 --> 00:02:00.040 She knows a lot about a lot of things. Like 41 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:01.239 I said, I had to bring a pro when I 42 00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:04.719 take on the lovely Susanne Bravo, how are you? 43 00:02:05.480 --> 00:02:08.319 I'm amazing and thank you so much for that introduction. 44 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:11.199 I think I might just like have you come around 45 00:02:11.199 --> 00:02:12.800 with me and just introduce me to people. 46 00:02:13.159 --> 00:02:16.719 That was really great, except for the fear part. I 47 00:02:16.800 --> 00:02:18.719 heard you say once and I was like, oh my god, 48 00:02:18.759 --> 00:02:22.039 that's smart. That The old adage that when you fall 49 00:02:22.039 --> 00:02:23.560 off a horse, you got to get right back on 50 00:02:24.479 --> 00:02:26.400 is the way people are sort of told to live 51 00:02:26.439 --> 00:02:27.840 their lives, and a lot of people do that. They 52 00:02:27.879 --> 00:02:31.120 jump from relationship to relationship, they jump from experience to experience. 53 00:02:31.719 --> 00:02:33.719 And I heard you say that before you get back 54 00:02:33.719 --> 00:02:34.960 on the horse, you got to kind of figure out 55 00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:37.439 why you're sitting in the mud, Like what am I 56 00:02:37.599 --> 00:02:40.879 doing down here? Like why do I keep do these patterns? 57 00:02:40.919 --> 00:02:44.280 Why do I keep? And people are so afraid not 58 00:02:44.360 --> 00:02:46.199 just to look in to do any analysis on the 59 00:02:46.240 --> 00:02:49.000 mistake they made, or on the situation they got themselves into, 60 00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:50.840 I think a lot of times because they don't want 61 00:02:50.840 --> 00:02:54.199 to take ownership of it. That guy hurt me, he 62 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:57.599 was a bad guy, that relationship wasn't right, I did this, 63 00:02:57.719 --> 00:03:00.479 or whatever, because they're afraid to look too close, which 64 00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:03.039 is the growth we all need, sort of self analysis. 65 00:03:03.080 --> 00:03:05.280 I think people are afraid to do that, which drives 66 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:10.000 a lot of decisions. When it comes to love, it. 67 00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.840 Is so much easier to blame the other person than 68 00:03:12.879 --> 00:03:17.199 it is to look within, because that requires vulnerability. That 69 00:03:17.319 --> 00:03:22.199 requires also debunking the belief that if we made a mistake, 70 00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:25.199 we did something wrong, and we need to throw that 71 00:03:25.199 --> 00:03:28.520 belief out the window because it's not true. Like we're 72 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:31.400 all we're human beings. We're all humans on this planet 73 00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:34.800 having a human experience by the time we get to 74 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.599 this stage in our life when we're dating. I love 75 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:41.560 what you said about joy and optimism and hope, but 76 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:44.080 let's face it, we've all been burned, and we've all 77 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:48.280 been burned more than once. And that requires every time 78 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:51.759 you get burned, getting back up and getting out there again. 79 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:54.159 And a lot of people do. They just keep repeating 80 00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:56.599 the same patterns because they don't take that time, they 81 00:03:56.599 --> 00:03:57.400 don't look within. 82 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:00.439 You're right, and we are. You know, we're making a 83 00:04:00.439 --> 00:04:02.879 lot of decisions based on that. I've always said that 84 00:04:02.919 --> 00:04:05.360 the men are afraid of being rejected and the women 85 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:06.400 are afraid of being hurt. 86 00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:07.520 But I think there's a little. 87 00:04:07.280 --> 00:04:09.439 Bit of that on both sides, which is why people 88 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:13.240 are so deeply committed now to online dating. Because in 89 00:04:13.319 --> 00:04:15.599 online dating, before you get to the point where you 90 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:18.879 might be rejected or hurt, you get some sort of validation, 91 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:21.240 some sort of match, some sort of swipe that lets 92 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:23.480 you take that baby step, versus just in real life, 93 00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:25.399 going for it the way we used to have to 94 00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:27.959 do it. Even on the fact if you are in 95 00:04:28.000 --> 00:04:30.480 a relationship, I'm afraid to get out of a bad 96 00:04:30.519 --> 00:04:34.040 relationship because I don't know what's possible. I'd rather sit 97 00:04:34.040 --> 00:04:36.240 in a bad seat than no seat. And a lot 98 00:04:36.279 --> 00:04:39.759 of the decisions are based on the unknown, which is scary, 99 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:42.560 or it's based on the fact that I don't want 100 00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:43.959 anything that might be worse. 101 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:53.560 Yes, and that online dating is great, but what online 102 00:04:53.639 --> 00:04:56.959 dating has also done is it has given people way 103 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:02.360 too many options. What is that It means that it 104 00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:05.879 used to be to find somebody to date, you had 105 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:08.040 to go out and mingle in the world, and you 106 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:11.879 had to go to restaurants or bars or parks or 107 00:05:11.959 --> 00:05:15.800 wherever it was that you found your people, and you know, 108 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:18.079 at the end of the night, you know, after your date, 109 00:05:18.199 --> 00:05:20.879 like he went home, you went home, and you know, 110 00:05:21.120 --> 00:05:23.800 maybe you talked on the phone or whatever. But now 111 00:05:23.959 --> 00:05:27.519 like everybody's going home and if they're on dating sites, 112 00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:29.600 you know, maybe they're scrolling the dating site. They've got 113 00:05:29.639 --> 00:05:30.759 a million other people. 114 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:32.720 Or maybe they're going on the date. Okay, I've heard 115 00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:35.279 that brought up to me. Here's where I counter that. 116 00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:39.240 Every time you leave your house to go to the gym, 117 00:05:39.279 --> 00:05:41.079 to go to work, to go get some food, whatever 118 00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:44.480 you are through the course of a day, any day 119 00:05:44.519 --> 00:05:47.720 in any reasonably sized city like Boca Raton, Florida, you 120 00:05:47.800 --> 00:05:51.240 are going to be within ten yards of one thousand 121 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:55.879 people of the opposite sex. Every single day. You're going 122 00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:57.480 to be within ten yards of a thousand men. I'm 123 00:05:57.480 --> 00:05:59.160 want to be in ten yards of a thousand women 124 00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:02.560 if that's your preference, unless you're giving yourself a real 125 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:06.399 bad case of carpal tunnel syndrome swiping. You're never gonna 126 00:06:06.399 --> 00:06:09.879 swipe on a thousand possibilities. So I believe that people 127 00:06:09.959 --> 00:06:13.800 think that is a pool of safer opportunity than looking 128 00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:17.399 at Oh my god, all these people here. I don't 129 00:06:17.480 --> 00:06:19.480 know how to engage with them. I don't know how 130 00:06:19.480 --> 00:06:21.720 to approach them. I don't know how to recognize the 131 00:06:21.720 --> 00:06:25.120 possibilities that I talked about. You know, and if you 132 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:27.199 did the math on that, and you're like, Okay, if 133 00:06:27.240 --> 00:06:31.600 I had a chance to engage with all thousand people 134 00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:36.240 for five minutes each. How many do you think you 135 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:38.120 could possibly have a spark with that could lead to 136 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:43.120 falling in love. I don't know, six seven, something like that. 137 00:06:43.720 --> 00:06:45.759 And you can kind of look at that like needle 138 00:06:45.759 --> 00:06:48.120 in a haystack, like that's not a big percentage. But 139 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:49.879 if you looked at every single day of your life, 140 00:06:49.879 --> 00:06:51.839 as long as you in a course of a year, 141 00:06:51.879 --> 00:06:53.519 if you left your house, there's six or seven a 142 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:55.639 day over a course of a year, that's two thousand 143 00:06:55.720 --> 00:06:57.680 people that you could fall in love with if you 144 00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:00.680 engaged with them. So the fear that I'm talking about 145 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:05.120 is the fear for that that seems overwhelming, that seems 146 00:07:05.160 --> 00:07:07.439 like I don't even know how to go about finding 147 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:10.199 these people. So I'm gonna go I'm gonna narrow my criteria. 148 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:13.920 I'm going to go into my online platform and at 149 00:07:14.000 --> 00:07:16.240 least be like, oh, that's where the options are. We 150 00:07:16.279 --> 00:07:17.160 didn't use to date that. 151 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:21.439 Way, no, And it's it definitely provides much greater opportunities 152 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:24.839 than you do because you have access to a lot 153 00:07:24.839 --> 00:07:27.879 more people. But the key, and it kind of goes 154 00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:29.879 back a little bit to how you open this conversation, 155 00:07:30.600 --> 00:07:34.439 is it all comes down to fear and that fear 156 00:07:34.600 --> 00:07:37.560 of not wanting to be vulnerable, right, Because I don't 157 00:07:37.560 --> 00:07:39.560 care where you meet somebody, if you meet them in 158 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:41.079 the grocery store, if you meet them in a park, 159 00:07:41.160 --> 00:07:47.040 you meet them online. A successful relationship depends on vulnerability. 160 00:07:47.639 --> 00:07:51.800 I agree, and I think that there is. I think 161 00:07:51.800 --> 00:07:54.680 there's a lot of unhappy people. There's a lot, but 162 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:57.839 I think there's a larger pool of people now twenty 163 00:07:57.959 --> 00:08:02.480 twenty three, as we record this Erica doing the work 164 00:08:02.560 --> 00:08:06.040 and going to especially the men, going to the scary 165 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:10.920 place of vulnerability, of asking questions, of trying to find 166 00:08:10.920 --> 00:08:14.160 answers that has ever existed. And I think, just like 167 00:08:14.240 --> 00:08:17.680 you said, the lack of judgment is probably gonna take 168 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.639 a generation for everybody to understand like there's good in 169 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:23.199 doing that, especially for the men. The men are so 170 00:08:23.279 --> 00:08:25.079 used to I have to be strong, nothing wrong with me, 171 00:08:25.160 --> 00:08:28.720 and they bury all this anger and fear within themselves 172 00:08:28.759 --> 00:08:30.800 and it manifests itself in a lot of bad ways. 173 00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:32.960 But the more women that can put out there like 174 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.519 this is a good thing. I know you're fucked up, 175 00:08:35.720 --> 00:08:37.600 as long as you know we can work with this together, 176 00:08:38.200 --> 00:08:41.200 you know. I think there is an environment now where 177 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:44.440 more and more women are telling the men. I like 178 00:08:44.519 --> 00:08:46.919 that you're doing the work. I like that you're going 179 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:49.440 to therapy. I like that you're asking questions and you 180 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:52.879 are vulnerable, which for generations we weren't taught to do that. 181 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:56.440 Yes, and I want to applaud all of the men 182 00:08:56.639 --> 00:08:59.720 who are looking at themselves and are doing the work 183 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:02.279 and are really bucking up against what the system has 184 00:09:02.320 --> 00:09:04.759 told them their whole life. Because exactly what you said, 185 00:09:05.000 --> 00:09:06.919 men are supposed to be strong. Men aren't supposed to 186 00:09:07.000 --> 00:09:11.080 have feelings. Men boys don't cry, right, I mean, and 187 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:16.440 it's men shoulder so much responsibility and it's unfair. It 188 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:20.120 is patently unfair. And you know, for women, we're supposed 189 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:23.679 to be vulnerable and emotional, but men they're not supposed to. 190 00:09:23.919 --> 00:09:27.399 But they have pain, they have things that they've been through, 191 00:09:27.399 --> 00:09:31.080 They've been hurt, they've had their hearts broken. Why do 192 00:09:31.159 --> 00:09:32.960 they have to just suck it up and not deal 193 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:33.279 with it? 194 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:35.080 You're right, And the women kind of are taught to 195 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:36.759 deal with it from the age of fourteen. The guys 196 00:09:36.759 --> 00:09:38.159 at jerk and you build up a little bit of 197 00:09:38.200 --> 00:09:40.759 scar tissue and learn how to process, and your friends 198 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:44.039 will get the men will, their friends will scatter. There 199 00:09:44.039 --> 00:09:46.480 are so many men that might be in their thirties, forties, 200 00:09:46.519 --> 00:09:51.519 fifties who are carrying around either anger or heartbreak from 201 00:09:51.639 --> 00:09:54.440 some girl in high school who might not have even 202 00:09:54.960 --> 00:09:59.120 known they existed. You know, some incident, some rejection that 203 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:02.799 scarred them and wounded them so badly that who knows 204 00:10:02.840 --> 00:10:03.360 how this is. 205 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:03.799 Going to turn on. 206 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:05.360 You can be in a relationship with somebody for eight 207 00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:08.120 years and not knowing something could trigger him, and then 208 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:10.399 it's like ugh, But back to the fear thing. The 209 00:10:10.440 --> 00:10:12.799 women can't operate that way either, and it's really hard 210 00:10:12.799 --> 00:10:14.799 for the women to date not knowing is this a 211 00:10:14.840 --> 00:10:17.679 time bomb? Is this guy a basket case? Is this 212 00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:18.320 guy angry? 213 00:10:18.399 --> 00:10:19.039 Is this guy whatever? 214 00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:22.519 Because you can't read either how much work he's done 215 00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:24.399 or how much work he needs to do, And you 216 00:10:24.440 --> 00:10:26.759 don't want to lead on a date with so how 217 00:10:26.799 --> 00:10:27.480 fucked up are you? 218 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:31.480 Can I have the number of your therapists so that 219 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:32.600 I can call her. 220 00:10:32.519 --> 00:10:36.679 And get exactly. 221 00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:39.039 Yeah, And it goes to what I was saying, When 222 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:41.320 you fall off the horse, you don't just get back on. 223 00:10:42.200 --> 00:10:45.279 This vulnerability and this doing the work and this asking 224 00:10:45.320 --> 00:10:47.919 the questions is sitting in the mud and saying, Okay, 225 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:51.320 that didn't work out the way that I wanted it to, Right, 226 00:10:51.600 --> 00:10:55.240 What can I do differently in the future? Where do 227 00:10:55.320 --> 00:10:58.159 I need to focus attention? Because it's not When we 228 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:03.000 blame the other person, you're putting your control outside of yourself. 229 00:11:03.080 --> 00:11:05.120 You're trying to change somebody else, and we can never 230 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:07.600 do that. And in that you give all of your 231 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:11.559 power away. You can't change them. It's about you. 232 00:11:11.559 --> 00:11:14.720 You can't write and we are trying to always. We're 233 00:11:14.720 --> 00:11:17.320 either trying to change them for us or we're changing 234 00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:21.000 them into something that we believe we can handle because 235 00:11:21.039 --> 00:11:25.360 we're afraid of the unknown. And everybody's different, Every relationship 236 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:27.919 is different. And going down that path with somebody and 237 00:11:27.960 --> 00:11:30.600 all you know is what didn't work out with the 238 00:11:30.720 --> 00:11:34.360 last people and all the people before, that's scary because 239 00:11:34.399 --> 00:11:37.720 there's no guide. And even if it's going well for 240 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:39.200 a lot of people, this is the first time I've 241 00:11:39.200 --> 00:11:41.320 ever felt this way, is the first time ever. That's 242 00:11:41.360 --> 00:11:43.879 scary because you don't necessarily trust it either. You don't 243 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:45.759 trust the shoes gonna drop. You're not gonna trust this. 244 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:48.000 Good feelings scare people too. 245 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.480 Right, So in that fear of oh my god, this 246 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:54.159 feels really good. When is the next sho you're going 247 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.840 to drop? What do we try to do? Would most 248 00:11:56.879 --> 00:11:59.679 of us go to a space of control. Okay, so 249 00:11:59.759 --> 00:12:02.919 I can control every little thing about this person, everything 250 00:12:02.960 --> 00:12:05.919 about this environment, everything about this relationship, then I can 251 00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:09.399 make it successful. And when you try to control that, 252 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:12.840 you smother it and probably end up chasing the other 253 00:12:12.879 --> 00:12:17.559 person away. Because we have no control over anything except 254 00:12:17.960 --> 00:12:21.159 the only thing we have control over is our response 255 00:12:21.200 --> 00:12:23.879 to stimulus, right. 256 00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:25.519 And sometimes we don't have control over that either, or 257 00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:26.759 which is why a lot of people. 258 00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:28.200 That's where the work comes in. 259 00:12:28.519 --> 00:12:30.799 But that's where the alcoholic that works in. Yeah, I agree, 260 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:32.799 that's where the work comes in. So you know, before 261 00:12:32.840 --> 00:12:34.759 you get to know the other person or even know 262 00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:37.799 the relationship, you really have to spend some time knowing yourself. 263 00:12:37.879 --> 00:12:39.840 A lot of people really take it for granted that 264 00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:42.519 they know. No, you only know how you might react 265 00:12:42.519 --> 00:12:45.799 in certain things that happened before. You might not know 266 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:49.159 how you react to good things, bad things, scary things, 267 00:12:49.279 --> 00:12:53.440 new things. I imagine the first time somebody gets engaged, 268 00:12:53.480 --> 00:12:57.399 gets married, all of that has kids. The joy is 269 00:12:57.519 --> 00:13:01.080 tempered by the unknown, the fear. Is this the way 270 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:03.080 this is supposed to be? Is this how I'm supposed 271 00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:04.639 to feel? Is this the way this is supposed to 272 00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:06.759 look like? And then if you don't get this sort 273 00:13:06.759 --> 00:13:10.360 of paint by numbers response to the stimuli, then you 274 00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:11.440 think there's something wrong with you. 275 00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:16.960 And we tend to project our beliefs and our feelings 276 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.399 about things onto other people. So if you're somebody that's 277 00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:23.039 been hurt in a relationship, maybe somebody that you were 278 00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:25.399 in a relationship with broke your heart, maybe they cheated 279 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:28.279 on you, so you walk into every relationship after that 280 00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:30.279 expecting that to happen again. 281 00:13:30.360 --> 00:13:31.840 Right, And then a lot of times when you're in 282 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:36.200 a relationship, you're you're dating the ghosts of the guys 283 00:13:36.200 --> 00:13:38.840 who came before you or the girls who came before you, 284 00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:41.240 and whatever they did, and you don't know what's going 285 00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:43.919 to either be a trigger or reminder. And all this 286 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:47.240 comes down to positive communication. But two people in a 287 00:13:47.360 --> 00:13:51.399 new relationship aren't necessarily comfortable having that talk, and two 288 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:54.320 people in a relationship for a while aren't never a hey, 289 00:13:54.320 --> 00:13:57.360 can we talk about something? And then everybody's like, wait, 290 00:13:57.399 --> 00:13:59.600 what I thought? We're fine, We've been together eight years 291 00:13:59.600 --> 00:14:03.120 and you want to talk about this like scary either way, and. 292 00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:05.080 Then you bring up something that triggers the other person 293 00:14:05.320 --> 00:14:08.559 and sends them into you know, they start time traveling 294 00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:10.399 back into the past and things that came up and 295 00:14:10.399 --> 00:14:13.000 those feelings and those emotions and they start projecting them. 296 00:14:13.360 --> 00:14:16.759 And you know, I found for myself, I did a 297 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:18.799 lot of work, a lot of therapy, and you can 298 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:21.159 think you have all of these things in order, but 299 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:24.519 when you get in relationship with another person, that is 300 00:14:24.559 --> 00:14:27.080 when all your shit will come up, like every bit 301 00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:31.480 of it while you're in relationship and communication. I love 302 00:14:31.480 --> 00:14:33.960 what you said about that, because communication is the key 303 00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:36.600 because you have to talk about these things. I know 304 00:14:36.639 --> 00:14:39.480 it's really hard, but you have to talk about them. 305 00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:43.399 You have to know where that person is coming from, 306 00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:46.279 and you have to figure out a way to come together. 307 00:14:46.440 --> 00:14:50.000 And you have to be confident that the communication, if 308 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:53.600 it's going to occur, and it should occur, will come 309 00:14:53.879 --> 00:14:57.440 from and to a place of no judgment. That's going 310 00:14:57.519 --> 00:15:03.240 to come and go to a place of honesty, sharing, growing, 311 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.559 and hopefully the purpose of the of the conversation shouldn't 312 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:10.399 be confrontation that you've been like let's see if we 313 00:15:10.440 --> 00:15:13.240 can get either through this place or to this place 314 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:16.519 together with You bring up that word all the time. 315 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:19.720 It's a hard word interpret is vulnerability, you know it is. 316 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:22.919 I never take my glasses off because I feel too exposed. 317 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:25.279 It's true, it's hard. 318 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:28.720 You're putting your heart and soul on the table with 319 00:15:28.759 --> 00:15:33.159 another person, and you know, having no judgment in these 320 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:36.559 conversations is the key and the other thing to understand. 321 00:15:36.840 --> 00:15:39.200 My therapist actually said this to me a few years ago, 322 00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:41.759 and it hit me pretty hard. When you're having a 323 00:15:41.799 --> 00:15:44.360 conversation with the person you're in relationship with and there's 324 00:15:44.399 --> 00:15:47.600 an issue, it is not you against each other. It 325 00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:49.799 is not you against him or him against you. It 326 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.600 is the two of you against the problem. And how 327 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:56.240 do you work through that problem together? And how do 328 00:15:56.279 --> 00:16:00.279 you open up that space of vulnerability where he can 329 00:16:00.279 --> 00:16:03.080 share and you can share and there's no judgment and 330 00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:07.360 there's acknowledgment. I hear you, I see you. I want 331 00:16:07.399 --> 00:16:09.320 to be there for you. How can I support you? 332 00:16:09.480 --> 00:16:10.480 That's a good point I brought. 333 00:16:10.480 --> 00:16:12.080 I did a whole episode on that that people don't 334 00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:13.600 want to necessarily be right, but they do want to 335 00:16:13.639 --> 00:16:16.519 be heard that's a challenge though, when you're bringing up 336 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:18.960 something that you perceive to be a problem or an 337 00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:22.360 issue and the other person thinks it's no big deal 338 00:16:23.519 --> 00:16:25.639 and then they're like, oh, it's fine or whatever, but 339 00:16:25.720 --> 00:16:28.519 it's important to you, and so finding out a way 340 00:16:28.559 --> 00:16:33.639 to bring that person to the negotiating table. First the 341 00:16:33.720 --> 00:16:35.639 chore is to get them to even understand that this 342 00:16:35.679 --> 00:16:36.279 is an issue. 343 00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:37.200 It's a problem. 344 00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:39.600 And that's hard too, and that's afrase because when they 345 00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:42.240 don't react to yeah, I want to talk about that too, 346 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:44.279 and they're just kind of like, why do you want 347 00:16:44.279 --> 00:16:47.679 to talk about that, then you tend to retreat because 348 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:49.919 then it's hard to be vulnerable in that spot because 349 00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:53.519 you're then defending the right to have the conversation before 350 00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:55.440 you can get the conversation right. 351 00:16:55.679 --> 00:16:58.639 So the goal you want to be in a place 352 00:16:58.639 --> 00:17:01.000 where the goal is not to be right. Do you 353 00:17:01.039 --> 00:17:02.600 want to be right or do you want to have 354 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:06.640 healthy relationship, because oftentimes you can have both and there 355 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:11.839 is a negotiation, and it is about again vulnerability, saying 356 00:17:11.839 --> 00:17:14.160 to your partner, I know this might not be a 357 00:17:14.160 --> 00:17:16.440 big deal to you, but it is very important to me, 358 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:20.599 and then ask for what you need in that right. 359 00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:23.200 So it would be very helpful to me if you 360 00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:24.400 could X Y Z. 361 00:17:25.240 --> 00:17:27.640 A lot of people know what they don't want or 362 00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:29.680 don't like, and they haven't spent nearly as much time 363 00:17:29.680 --> 00:17:31.440 thinking about what they do want and do like. And 364 00:17:31.480 --> 00:17:33.400 it's really hard for the other person to know that 365 00:17:33.559 --> 00:17:35.640 because most people are so rooted in the negative, we're 366 00:17:35.640 --> 00:17:37.039 going to be rooted in some positive I got to 367 00:17:37.039 --> 00:17:38.559 take a quick break because we have to pay for 368 00:17:38.759 --> 00:17:41.440 positive things around here. I'm with Susette Bravo, and we're 369 00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:44.480 taking a deep dive on some scary shit. But we 370 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:51.200 will be back right after this. And we are back. 371 00:17:51.640 --> 00:17:54.920 So I've heard you talk about this before and it 372 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:55.920 fascinated me. 373 00:17:56.359 --> 00:18:00.920 What was your moment where You're like, I. 374 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:04.279 Need to talk to somebody, I need some help. Was 375 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:06.559 there a moment or time where like, therapy is an 376 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:08.200 option to me? Like, you didn't just come out of 377 00:18:08.240 --> 00:18:09.839 the womb asking these questions. 378 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:14.359 No, it was a I fell in the mud. I 379 00:18:14.400 --> 00:18:16.440 was sitting in the mud, and I was like, why 380 00:18:16.440 --> 00:18:18.839 am I in the mud again? Like I keep getting 381 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:20.400 up and getting back on the horse, and now I'm 382 00:18:20.440 --> 00:18:24.799 back in the mud. And there was this moment where 383 00:18:24.839 --> 00:18:30.079 I was like, oh, it's me, Like, it's me, I'm 384 00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:33.359 the problem. And that's when I was like, Okay, I 385 00:18:34.200 --> 00:18:36.880 need to do better. I need to do better for me. 386 00:18:38.160 --> 00:18:40.880 Right, isn't it better? And people don't want that. 387 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:44.359 The one you can work on and change is you. 388 00:18:44.759 --> 00:18:46.279 It should be a relief. 389 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.200 To know the problem is you. Right, people don't want 390 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:48.839 to take that burden out. 391 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:49.720 I can work on me. 392 00:18:49.880 --> 00:18:51.799 I can't work on society exactly. 393 00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:55.599 And that's why when you blame and you put everything 394 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:58.480 on society and everything outside of you, you have just 395 00:18:58.640 --> 00:19:01.920 essentially given all of your power away, every bit of it. Right, 396 00:19:02.000 --> 00:19:04.880 you have no power in the world outside of yourself. 397 00:19:05.160 --> 00:19:07.559 So look at you and look at how you can 398 00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:10.599 show up better in the world, because, let's face it, 399 00:19:11.160 --> 00:19:15.720 lead by example. If you want a healthy, loving relationship, 400 00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:19.160 create love and creativity within yourself. 401 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:22.960