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Speaker 1: The Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leacock. It was

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Christmas Eve. The Browns, who lived in the adjoining house

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had been dining with the Joneses. Brown and Jones were

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sitting over wine and walnuts at the table. The others

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had gone upstairs. What are you giving to your boy

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for Christmas? Asked Brown? A train, said Jones. New kind

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of thing automatic. Let's have a look at it, said Brown.

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Jones fetched a parcel from the sideboard and began unwrapping it.

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Ingenious thing, isn't it, he said, goes on its own rails. Queer,

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How kids loved to play with trains, isn't it? Yes,

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assented browne. How are the rails fixed? Wait, I'll show you,

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said Jones. Just help me to shove these dinner things

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aside and roll back the cloth. There. See you lay

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the rails like that and fasten them at the ends.

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So oh, yes, I catch on? Makes a grade, doesn't it?

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Just the thing to amuse a child, isn't it. I

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got Willie a toy aeroplane. I know they're great. I

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got Edwin one on his birthday, but I thought i'd

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get him a train this time. I told him Santa

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Claus was going to bring him something altogether new this time. Edwin,

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of course, believes in Santa Claus. Absolutely. Say look at

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this locomotive, would you. It has a spring coiled up

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inside the firebox. Wind her up, said Brown with great interest.

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Let's see her go all right, said Jones. Just pile

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up two or three plates or something to lean the

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end of the rails on there. Notice the way it

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buzzes before it starts. Isn't that a great thing for

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a kid? Eh? Yes, said Brown? And say see this

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little string to pull the whistle by, get it toots eh,

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just like real now. Then Brown Jones went on, you

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hitch on those cars and I'll start her. I'll be engineer. Eh.

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Half an hour later, Brown and Jones were still playing

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trains on the dining room table, but their wives upstairs

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in the drawing room hardly noticed their absence. They were

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too much interested. Oh, I think it's perfectly sweet, said

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missus Brown. Just the loveliest doll I've seen in years.

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I must get one like it for Olvina. Won't Chlorice

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be perfectly enchanted, yes, answered missus Jones. And then she'll

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have all the fun of arranging the dresses. Children love

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that so much. Look, there are three little dresses with

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the doll. Aren't they cute? All cut out and ready

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to stitch together? Oh? How perfectly lovely, exclaimed Missus Brown.

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I think the mauve one would suit the doll best,

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don't you with such golden hair? Only, don't you think

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it would make it much nicer to turn back the

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collar so and to put a little band? So? What

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a good idea, said Missus Jones. Do let's try it.

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Just wait, I'll get a needle. In a minute, I'll

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tell Clarice that Santa Claus sewed it himself. The child

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believes in Santa Claus absolutely, And half an hour later,

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Missus Jones and Missus Brown were so busy stitching dolls

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clothes that they could not hear the roaring of the

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little train up and down the dining table, and had

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no idea what the four children were doing. Nor did

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the children miss their mothers. Dandy, aren't they? Edwin Jones

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was saying, too, Little Willie Brown as they sat in

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Edwin's bedroom. A hundred in a box with cork tips

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and sea an amber mouthpiece that fits into a little

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case at the side good present for dad, eh fine,

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said Willie appreciatively. I'm giving father cigars. I know I

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thought of cigars too. Men always like cigars and cigarettes.

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You can't go wrong on them. Say what do you

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like to try one or two of these cigarettes? We

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can take them from the bottom. You'll like them. They're

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Russian away ahead of Egyptian, thanks, answered Willie. I'd like

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one immensely. I only started smoking last spring, on my

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twelfth birthday. I think a feller's a fool to begin

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smoking cigarettes too soon, don't you it? Stunts him. I

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waited till I was twelve. Me too, said Edwin, as

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they lighted their cigarettes. In fact, I wouldn't buy them

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now if it weren't for Dad. I simply had to

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give him something from Santa Claus. He believes in Santa

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Claus absolutely, you know. And while this was going on,

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Clorice was showing little Olvina the absolutely lovely little bridge

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set that she had got for her mother. Aren't these

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markers perfectly charming? Said Alvina. And don't you love this

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little Dutch design? Or is it Flemish? Darling Dutch? Said Clarice.

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Isn't it quaint? And aren't these the dearest little things

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for putting the money in? When you I needn't have

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got them with it, they'd have sold the rest separately.

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But I think it's too utterly slow playing without money,

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don't you, oh abominably, shuddered Olvina. But your mamma never

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plays for money, does she, Mamma? Oh, gracious no, Mama's

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far too slow for that. But I shall tell her

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that Santa Claus insisted on putting in the little money boxes.

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I suppose she believes in Santa Claus, just as my

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mamma does. Oh absolutely, said Clarisse, and added, what if

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we play a little game with a double dummy the

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French way or Norwegian scat if you like? That? Only

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needs too all right, agreed Olvina, and in a few

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minutes they were deep in a game of cards, with

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a little pile of pocket money beside them. About half

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an hour later, all the members of the two families

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were again in the drawing room, but of course nobody

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said anything about the presence. In any case, they were

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all too busy looking at the beautiful big bible with

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maps in it, that the Joneses had brought to give

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to Grandfather. They all agreed that with the help of it,

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Grandfather could hunt up any place in Palestine in a moment,

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day or night. But upstairs, away, upstairs, in a sitting

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room of his own, Grandfather Jones was looking with an

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affectionate eye at the presence that stood beside him. There

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was a beautiful whisky decanter with silver filigree outside and

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whiskey inside. For Jones, and for the little boy a

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big nickel plated Jew's harp. Later on, far in the night,

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the person, or the influence, or whatever it is called

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Santa Claus, took all the presence and placed them in

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the people's stockings. And being blind as he always has been,

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he gave the wrong things to the wrong people. In fact,

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he gave them just as indicated above. But the next day,

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in the course of Christmas morning, the situation straightened itself out,

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just as it always does. Indeed, by ten o'clock, Brown,

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Eh and Jones were playing with the train, and Missus

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Brown and Missus Jones were making dolls clothes, and the

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boys were smoking cigarettes, and Clarice and Olvina were playing

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cards for their pocket money. And upstairs, away up Grandfather

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was drinking whiskey and playing the Jew's harp, and so Christmas,

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just as it always does, turned out all right after all.

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End of the Errors of Santa Claus by Stephen Leacock