WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.119 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:12.160 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on 5 00:00:12.240 --> 00:00:16.719 the iHeartRadio app. Reminder, I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, 6 00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:20.719 but I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation 7 00:00:20.920 --> 00:00:23.760 on attachment theory, and well i have a lot of 8 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:27.359 opinions on the science of love. If you'd like to 9 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:29.920 send me a DM with a relationship question, I will 10 00:00:30.000 --> 00:00:34.439 keep your identity private. The handle is at doctor Wendy 11 00:00:34.479 --> 00:00:38.679 Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, here we go. 12 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:44.119 First listener, Hi, Doctor Wendy. Men feel like calling and 13 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:48.119 texting is just enough these days? Where are the men 14 00:00:48.200 --> 00:00:53.200 who buy flowers and write notes? Are women accepting less? 15 00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:59.439 Why don't people try anymore? I have a very long 16 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:02.359 winded answer to this, but I'm gonna shrink it for you, guys. 17 00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:05.680 Women are accepting less. And one of the reasons why 18 00:01:05.719 --> 00:01:08.280 women are accepting less is because we have an oversupply 19 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:11.640 of successful women in the mating marketplace and there's high 20 00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:15.480 competition for men who you might consider to be a 21 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:20.400 high value mate, and so women are accepting less. The 22 00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:25.480 other reason people don't try anymore is because there is 23 00:01:26.120 --> 00:01:30.359 also access to so many potential mates through dating apps. 24 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:35.359 I mean, evolutionary psychologists speculate that back in our hunter 25 00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:40.000 gatherer past, in our entire lifespan, we never laid eyes 26 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:44.079 on more than one hundred and fifty people yet today, 27 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:46.920 and most of those people, by the way, were related 28 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:51.079 to us in our tribe. But today a new mate 29 00:01:51.239 --> 00:01:54.760 is a thumb swipe away. You can meet potentially thousands 30 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.079 of people if your thumb doesn't get too tired every 31 00:01:57.120 --> 00:01:59.239 single day on those dating apps, just by swiping and 32 00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:02.840 swiping and swipe. So it tells the brain you don't 33 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:07.400 have to try very hard. Supply is high, so the 34 00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:12.719 price is low. But having said that, let me use 35 00:02:13.400 --> 00:02:20.319 my favorite analogy tomatoes. Let's say one year there is 36 00:02:20.360 --> 00:02:24.960 a bumper crop of tomatoes, and let's say the price 37 00:02:25.000 --> 00:02:30.080 of tomatoes drops to one cent per head. I promise 38 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:35.479 you there is still a small market for an artisan, 39 00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:43.000 organic heirloom tomato. That's two dollars ahead. So which are you. 40 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:47.759 We teach people how to treat us, and we don't 41 00:02:47.800 --> 00:02:51.240 teach them by being demanding. We don't say I expect 42 00:02:51.319 --> 00:02:55.319 you to send me flowers. What we do is we 43 00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:59.159 practice slow love. We don't rush into bed with somebody 44 00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:02.520 because all of a sudden you have become that one 45 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:07.800 sent tomato. We take our time, we assess, we're polite 46 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:12.560 and friendly, and we reveal, but we don't rush. We 47 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:16.400 make mates work for us, and this applies to all genders. 48 00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:22.840 We appreciate people who we get to sacrifice for. Did 49 00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:27.000 you hear that language? Who we get to sacrifice for? 50 00:03:28.120 --> 00:03:33.439 Give someone the opportunity to sacrifice for you. And now 51 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:35.919 you're gonna say, yeah, but the ones I want to 52 00:03:36.000 --> 00:03:39.520 sacrifice for me don't. Yeah, So let them move along 53 00:03:39.560 --> 00:03:42.879 because they're not ones you should want. You see you have. 54 00:03:43.039 --> 00:03:47.639 It's like a test. And yes, there are beautiful, wonderful, 55 00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.479 amazing men out there. They're listening right now. Who say 56 00:03:50.520 --> 00:03:55.240 I buy women flowers? I write little notes. My Julio 57 00:03:55.319 --> 00:04:00.240 writes beautiful cards. He's a card guy. He's the romantic anyway. 58 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:05.919 So if you set your criteria, if you set your standard, 59 00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:11.000 and you are polite with setting your boundaries, not demanding, 60 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:14.280 you'll see people will show up. We'll treat you kindly. 61 00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:19.639 Dear doctor Wendy, I don't like dating apps, Well, most 62 00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:23.720 people don't. I just had some awful experiences. What are 63 00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:28.160 some organic ways to meet men in twenty twenty four? Okay, 64 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:30.560 so I do want to say that dating apps are 65 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:34.439 no different than what a crowded singles bar was like 66 00:04:34.639 --> 00:04:37.360 in the nineteen eighties. Okay. All they are is a 67 00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:39.519 place to sort of meet a stranger and then figure 68 00:04:39.519 --> 00:04:43.399 out who they are. And so there are some skills 69 00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:46.319 that you need to learn in order to use dating 70 00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:48.839 apps correctly. So that's the first thing I'll say. It's 71 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:52.560 not that you've had some awful experiences, is that you 72 00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:56.920 probably didn't say no and eliminate them early enough. Right. 73 00:04:57.000 --> 00:04:59.199 You can often do it by reading the profile and 74 00:04:59.240 --> 00:05:02.199 reading into it figuring out hmmm no, Or you can 75 00:05:02.199 --> 00:05:03.680 do it after a couple texts, or you can do 76 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:06.519 it after one phone call. But you're if you are 77 00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:09.439 instead projecting onto this profile that this person is the 78 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:11.639 most perfect person and then you meet in the real world, 79 00:05:11.800 --> 00:05:13.720 is completely different. It's like, well, you didn't do your 80 00:05:13.800 --> 00:05:16.879 due diligence. There's a few layers. But having said that. 81 00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:20.720 I am a big believer in the fact that we 82 00:05:20.959 --> 00:05:24.000 are missing a third space in our culture. We have 83 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:26.519 our workplace and our home place. We don't go to 84 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:28.600 pubs like the English do as much. I mean, we 85 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:30.759 hang out at Starbucks, but really are you meeting people? 86 00:05:31.079 --> 00:05:35.000 This is why probably the most expensive grocery store in America, 87 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:38.040 air One, has become the biggest single bars. It's crazy 88 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:42.920 a grocery store has become a singles bar. I don't 89 00:05:42.920 --> 00:05:45.519 know if you know what air One is, but you can. 90 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:49.399 There's a small section where there's very expensive organic vegetables, 91 00:05:49.600 --> 00:05:53.000 it's some organic wine, and then all those packaged new 92 00:05:53.000 --> 00:05:57.680 age foods that you don't recognize. But really it's all 93 00:05:57.720 --> 00:06:00.839 about the prepared food and the lineup, the slow lineup 94 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:03.399 for the prepared food, and the people talking, and the 95 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:07.199 smoothie bar and the coffee bar and the tables outside. 96 00:06:07.240 --> 00:06:09.120 I don't care if you're in the one in calabass 97 00:06:09.199 --> 00:06:12.639 or Venice. It's packed with single people. I will say that. 98 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:16.639 But I do think we need a third space, and 99 00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:20.639 you can find that third space by joining clubs and 100 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:23.639 also doing volunteer work. That's a big one because you 101 00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:28.279 find compassionate people who are doing compassionate works. So volunteering 102 00:06:28.360 --> 00:06:31.800 is very important. Uh, but also learn how to use 103 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:34.360 those apps. Just want to say that. Okay, I think 104 00:06:34.360 --> 00:06:35.839 we have time for one more before we go to 105 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:40.160 the break. Hey, doctor, Wendy, the lover in me is dying. 106 00:06:40.439 --> 00:06:44.319 Oh and I am becoming cynical. How can I keep 107 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:49.079 the lover in me alive in this terrible mating marketplace? Well, 108 00:06:49.800 --> 00:06:53.439 I will say this, the process of finding a good 109 00:06:53.480 --> 00:06:57.519 mate is really the process of eliminating many, many, many 110 00:06:57.560 --> 00:07:00.000 many mates. Remember we have access to so many through 111 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.000 the dating apps now, and so it can get a 112 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:08.240 little bit demoralizing to constantly be like, no, no, no, no, 113 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:10.879 Oh they're bad. No, I had hopes for this one. Oh, 114 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:14.120 that one's gone. All right. So I'm a big believer 115 00:07:14.199 --> 00:07:17.360 in taking breaks. Get on the apps for a few months, 116 00:07:17.839 --> 00:07:20.079 and then go out for a few months with your 117 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:22.720 friends and family and co workers and have fun and 118 00:07:22.759 --> 00:07:25.040 remember how lovable you are and don't even worry about 119 00:07:25.079 --> 00:07:29.360 those apps. Okay, So just take breaks, go back and forth, 120 00:07:29.720 --> 00:07:33.560 keep going back to reminding yourself how beautiful and fabulous 121 00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:36.680 you are and how great life is. Just because you're 122 00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:39.800 not a match with the last four hundred people doesn't 123 00:07:39.879 --> 00:07:42.759 mean the four hundred and one person four hundred and 124 00:07:42.759 --> 00:07:45.360 first person would be great for you. Okay, when we 125 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:47.439 come back, I'm going to continue to answer your social 126 00:07:47.519 --> 00:07:51.120 media question. Send me a DM on Instagram at Dr 127 00:07:51.279 --> 00:07:53.800 Wendy Walsh. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh 128 00:07:53.839 --> 00:07:57.000 Show on KFI AM six forty one Live everywhere on 129 00:07:57.040 --> 00:07:58.519 the iHeartRadio App. 130 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:04.480 To Doctor Wendy Walsh on Demand from KFI AM six 131 00:08:04.600 --> 00:08:06.759 forty Welcome back. 132 00:08:06.680 --> 00:08:09.199 To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six 133 00:08:09.319 --> 00:08:13.519 forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio, Tap radio app, tap 134 00:08:13.639 --> 00:08:16.720 app wherever you want to go iHeartRadio app. You know, 135 00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:19.920 if you miss any part of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, 136 00:08:20.279 --> 00:08:23.600 or you miss one particular week, you can always download 137 00:08:23.600 --> 00:08:26.360 the iHeartRadio app and just search doctor Wendy Walsh and 138 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:28.079 you can listen to shows all the time. They're put 139 00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:30.480 up as Doctor Wendy on demand podcasts or whatever. They're 140 00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:32.639 all there. They're there. If you'd like to send me 141 00:08:32.679 --> 00:08:36.480 a DM, I will keep your identity private on my 142 00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:40.399 Instagram at d r Wendy Walsh. Producer Klea scrolls through 143 00:08:40.399 --> 00:08:43.399 there and finds your questions here we go. All right, 144 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:47.240 dear doctor Wendy, this is a tough question. Oh tough question. 145 00:08:47.279 --> 00:08:50.440 I better get ready for this one. My boyfriend frequents 146 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:54.080 this spa like once a week. I understand life gets 147 00:08:54.080 --> 00:08:57.759 stressful and I love a massage myself. But I was 148 00:08:57.799 --> 00:09:01.480 at a bar recently where my friends and I met 149 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:05.039 some men, and these men were saying that this spa 150 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:09.399 in particular is where men go to have sex with 151 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:10.480 other men. 152 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:11.759 Da da da da. 153 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:16.440 So what's a question? She says? How can I ask 154 00:09:16.519 --> 00:09:19.080 my man about it without making it seem like I 155 00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:26.440 don't trust him? Well, it doesn't matter if you are 156 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:29.440 acting untrustworthy or not. Who cares. You have a right 157 00:09:29.519 --> 00:09:34.120 to have more information about his extracurricular pursuits. I do 158 00:09:34.200 --> 00:09:37.080 want to let you know that he may lie to you, 159 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:41.039 and also he may be going there just to have 160 00:09:41.080 --> 00:09:44.759 a massage, so you won't really know the answer that 161 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:46.799 he's going to give you. So what you're going to 162 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:49.399 say is, hey, some people told me that spa you 163 00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:52.720 go to is where men have sex with men. Is 164 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:54.840 that your experience? Can you tell me what really goes 165 00:09:54.879 --> 00:09:57.840 on there? And just a curious mind, like, I need 166 00:09:57.840 --> 00:09:59.759 to know what have you seen there? Now? This gives 167 00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:02.519 him a great opportunity to lie. Yeah, I heard about that. 168 00:10:02.600 --> 00:10:04.519 I've saw some guys go in another room, but not me. 169 00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:06.559 This kind of gross or whatever. He'll just say, he'll lie. 170 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:09.000 It's not gross, by the way, that's just what he 171 00:10:09.080 --> 00:10:14.960 might say to lie. And so you have then got 172 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:19.559 to discern he knows he's now on alert. If in 173 00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:23.320 fact this is happening, you might say to him, I 174 00:10:23.320 --> 00:10:25.879 would feel more comfortable if you could go to like 175 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:30.679 Burke Williams, or like a run of the mill, regular spa, whatever, 176 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:33.039 and see if you can't say, look, if that'll make 177 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:35.440 you feel more comfortable, sure, I'll go there, find one 178 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:37.679 the same price. If he says I can't afford that, 179 00:10:37.799 --> 00:10:41.759 I have to go to this one. I know it's 180 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:46.639 a tough one. But if you grow real intimacy, hopefully 181 00:10:46.679 --> 00:10:50.720 what comes along with that are feelings of security and trust, 182 00:10:51.320 --> 00:10:56.720 and hopefully you can have these conversations more easily. Okay, 183 00:10:57.720 --> 00:11:02.159 moving along, here's one. Dear Wendy. I am recently divorced 184 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:04.720 and I'm getting back into the dating game. I am 185 00:11:04.840 --> 00:11:10.679 forty seven and have not been single in twenty years 186 00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:14.519 today seems dangerous. What are some ways I can be 187 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:19.039 safe dating in this new climate. Well, we're two kinds 188 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:22.559 of safety, right, physical safety and emotional safety. Let's talk 189 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:27.200 about physical safety first. You're largely meeting strangers who you've 190 00:11:27.240 --> 00:11:31.039 met online. Make sure when you meet them, you meet 191 00:11:31.039 --> 00:11:34.080 in a very public place, you bring your own transportation, 192 00:11:34.840 --> 00:11:37.759 You watch your drink carefully. I mean literally, I mean 193 00:11:38.320 --> 00:11:42.639 things happen, right, So I would say make sure you 194 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:45.360 do a longer assessment before you meet in the real world. 195 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.440 Don't get into a long text relationship. The only times 196 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:51.759 of my life where I've only texted people and then 197 00:11:51.799 --> 00:11:53.799 meet them in real life, there's a reason why they 198 00:11:53.799 --> 00:11:56.080 didn't want to get on the phone, trust me. And 199 00:11:56.120 --> 00:11:57.480 then you meet in real life and it's like, ooh, 200 00:11:57.519 --> 00:12:01.799 this is nothing like those texts. So get on the phone, 201 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:05.200 have a couple of conversations, maybe even a zoom so 202 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:07.840 you know it's a real person. Also, worry about the 203 00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:10.320 people who won't meet you in the real world and 204 00:12:10.399 --> 00:12:12.720 won't get on the phone. That should be red flags, right, 205 00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:15.600 So that's a little bit. And also just let your 206 00:12:15.639 --> 00:12:17.559 friends know where you're going and who you're meeting. Right. 207 00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:22.120 That helps. So that's about physical safety. The emotional safety 208 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:25.480 are about skills that you need to learn. Relationships are 209 00:12:25.639 --> 00:12:30.480 all about skill, they're not about luck. And people with 210 00:12:30.600 --> 00:12:34.840 good relationship skills naturally will be more attractive to others 211 00:12:34.919 --> 00:12:39.480 and find more people attractive. So I would suggest about 212 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:43.080 emotional safety that you get a therapist as your wingman. No, 213 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:45.279 the therapist doesn't go to the bar with you, but 214 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:47.679 you go back and report here's what happened, and here's 215 00:12:47.720 --> 00:12:49.480 what they said, and what do you think that meant, 216 00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:52.279 et cetera. So you kind of have somebody with some 217 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:56.679 real knowledge who can help you through this, because, yeah, 218 00:12:56.960 --> 00:13:00.080 if you haven't been dating in twenty years, it's not 219 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:03.519 that things have changed, it's that you've changed and you 220 00:13:03.519 --> 00:13:06.639 don't remember how it was and how to protect yourself. 221 00:13:06.879 --> 00:13:10.600 But do protect yourself, all right, Dear doctor Wendy, I 222 00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:13.000 was trying to date the most perfect woman. There's no 223 00:13:13.080 --> 00:13:15.440 such thing, by the way, I was trying to date 224 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:17.799 the most perfect woman for three years, and she paid 225 00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:20.639 me no mind. I just bought a car and it's 226 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:24.120 pretty luxury. I posted on social media and now she's 227 00:13:24.200 --> 00:13:29.080 actually messaging me back. Can I make a successful relationship 228 00:13:29.399 --> 00:13:32.960 with someone who wasn't interested in me until she saw 229 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:39.679 my car. Alrighty, let me think about this for a minute. 230 00:13:39.960 --> 00:13:43.720 We know that women are stimulated by resources. A display 231 00:13:43.720 --> 00:13:46.600 of resources by a man indicates that maybe there's a 232 00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:49.200 time where she can actually take time off to have 233 00:13:49.240 --> 00:13:51.120 a baby, and there's going to be enough food in 234 00:13:51.159 --> 00:13:54.759 the fridge for everybody. Okay, that's basic survival needs. I 235 00:13:54.799 --> 00:13:57.600 wouldn't be put off that she seems like a bit 236 00:13:57.639 --> 00:13:59.840 of a gold digger, because all women should be a 237 00:13:59.799 --> 00:14:02.519 little bit of a gold digger. On the other hand, 238 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:05.399 I don't know what you did for three years where 239 00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:08.720 she paid you no mind. But if you were sacrificing 240 00:14:08.919 --> 00:14:12.679 a lot and she did nothing and now she's interested, 241 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.759 it may indicate that her values are one hundred percent 242 00:14:16.840 --> 00:14:20.200 gold digger, that it's not about you at all. So 243 00:14:20.679 --> 00:14:27.120 she's messaging you back. I don't know you really like her. 244 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:29.480 I know you really like her, But how are you 245 00:14:29.519 --> 00:14:31.559 ever going to trust her if it's all about the car? 246 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:35.639 You know what you could do? This is so what 247 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:37.759 I would do. I would go out on a date 248 00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:40.000 with her, see how it goes, and then on the 249 00:14:40.120 --> 00:14:43.279 second date, if it seems to be going. Well, say 250 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:45.879 to her, by the way, remember for three years when 251 00:14:45.919 --> 00:14:47.840 I was trying to get your attention and you didn't, 252 00:14:47.960 --> 00:14:50.000 And now I got a fancy car and you're messaging 253 00:14:50.039 --> 00:14:52.080 me back because I posted on and do you want 254 00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:54.720 to talk more about that? And she's going to say no, no, 255 00:14:54.759 --> 00:14:56.240 I'm just at a different stage of life now. You 256 00:14:56.279 --> 00:14:58.000 see I was seeing this other guy. Then I had 257 00:14:58.039 --> 00:15:00.360 nothing to do with your car. That's what they will say. Say, 258 00:15:00.679 --> 00:15:03.039 but at least put her on alert that you're on 259 00:15:03.159 --> 00:15:06.480 to her and you can watch. All right, I think 260 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:08.399 we have time for one more real fast, real fast. 261 00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:11.960 My boyfriend went viral, oh really and gained a lot 262 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:14.759 of followers. Recently, he's getting tons of attention. He likes 263 00:15:14.759 --> 00:15:16.799 it a little too much and it's a turn off. 264 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:19.840 Should I let his fifteen minutes of fame passed or 265 00:15:19.879 --> 00:15:22.919 address this issue with him? He isn't cheating, but he's 266 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:25.679 posting a lot and going live all the time. But 267 00:15:25.720 --> 00:15:29.000 he's not trying to monetize it. He's just getting attention. Okay, 268 00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:31.039 So why does he need all this attention? I think 269 00:15:31.279 --> 00:15:33.879 this is a time to open a door of opportunity 270 00:15:33.879 --> 00:15:36.759 for communication. So you can say Hey, honey, I'm feeling 271 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:39.440 a little neglected because it feels like you're giving more 272 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:42.559 time to your social media following than me. And also, 273 00:15:43.000 --> 00:15:44.679 can I have your password to look at your dms? 274 00:15:44.840 --> 00:15:46.919 Because I'm telling you it's only a matter of time. 275 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:51.039 Because what does do? People online attract a ton of 276 00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:55.080 mate poachers, right, and if you have a safe, secure relationship, 277 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:59.600 he should feel comfortable letting you know that there's no 278 00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:02.519 mate or those mate posters he's ignoring them or whatever. 279 00:16:04.039 --> 00:16:06.960 I would bring it up. It's an opportunity to talk, 280 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:09.960 all right, when we come back. If you are in 281 00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:13.720 a long term relationship and you guys argue or fight 282 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:17.200 and you're worried if you should stay together, some psychologists 283 00:16:17.240 --> 00:16:20.960 have come up with something called the five second rule. 284 00:16:21.639 --> 00:16:23.360 I'm going to break it down for you when we 285 00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:28.279 come back. It is fascinating and it could save your marriage. 286 00:16:28.679 --> 00:16:30.639 You are listening to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on 287 00:16:30.759 --> 00:16:34.720 KFI AM six forty. We live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 288 00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:39.519 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 289 00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:40.559 AM six forty. 290 00:16:41.159 --> 00:16:43.600 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI 291 00:16:43.799 --> 00:16:48.159 AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app let 292 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:53.840 us talk about conflict in our intimate relationships. Some people 293 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:58.639 erroneously have the belief that if you fight, you have 294 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:03.840 a bad relationship or an unhealthy relationship. Actually the opposite 295 00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:08.279 is true. The people who have the healthiest relationships actually 296 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:13.240 have conflict pretty darn regularly. However, they work it out. 297 00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:17.640 It's tiny border skirmishes all the time where they are 298 00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:22.599 just resetting their boundaries, and this prevents the huge, knockdown, 299 00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:26.119 blow them out arguments. Kayla, have you ever had a 300 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:29.240 relationship of a relationship, a little argument with some of 301 00:17:29.279 --> 00:17:32.359 your dating that starts out really small and then for 302 00:17:32.400 --> 00:17:33.920 no reason it blows up. 303 00:17:34.119 --> 00:17:37.160 Oh yeah, it's like a full blown I think that's 304 00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:39.599 common if you don't have strong communication. It's just like 305 00:17:39.599 --> 00:17:42.200 people just misunderstand each other and only see from their 306 00:17:42.240 --> 00:17:44.240 perspective a lot of the time, so it always turns 307 00:17:44.240 --> 00:17:46.559 into something that it doesn't need to be right. 308 00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:48.799 I think they get defensive because you feel like they're 309 00:17:48.839 --> 00:17:53.160 being attacked, when actually we should stop and open our 310 00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:56.440 ears and listen and ask ourselves, like what we should change. 311 00:17:56.640 --> 00:18:00.160 But the other thing is, since people might have other 312 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:04.160 things they're irritated about it can just snowball into a 313 00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:07.359 full blown fight out of nowhere sometimes and you're just like, 314 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:10.960 where did that come from? Right? I? Actually that happened 315 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:13.400 to me with my daughter this week of all things. 316 00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:16.640 And it was just some tiny little thing that happened 317 00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:23.680 on my wedding weekend that she she did I that 318 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:27.319 I never brought up to her, never talked to anybody about. 319 00:18:27.839 --> 00:18:30.759 And then somehow she said something about that weekend that 320 00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:33.440 triggered me, and I just and she looked at me, 321 00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:35.880 she goes, where did that come from? And I was like, oh, 322 00:18:35.920 --> 00:18:40.000 I just exploded. That's interesting, But that's how it works. 323 00:18:40.359 --> 00:18:43.240 So I want to tell you about this really interesting study. 324 00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:47.720 It's brand new. It was published just in August in 325 00:18:47.759 --> 00:18:52.720 an academic journal called Communications Psychology. I should mention the 326 00:18:52.799 --> 00:18:56.920 lead researchers, Anna McCurry and Robert May and David Donaldson. 327 00:18:57.400 --> 00:18:59.960 So here's what they tried to do. They wanted to 328 00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:05.759 try to figure out what escalates couples arguments, how come 329 00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:09.400 a small thing can turn into a big thing? Right? 330 00:19:10.519 --> 00:19:13.240 And they also more importantly wanted to find out how 331 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:19.480 to prevent these kinds of escalations. Escalations escalator escalations. So 332 00:19:20.039 --> 00:19:27.000 they did research using six thousand trials, six thousand couples fighting. 333 00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:29.279 This is huge. Okay, this is a huge. This We 334 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:31.839 should pay attention. You know, if you read a research 335 00:19:31.839 --> 00:19:35.160 study and they say, oh, yeah, we had fourteen couples 336 00:19:35.160 --> 00:19:37.799 in our studies, you're like, well, you missed out my 337 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:41.599 peer group, right, No, this is so they're trying to 338 00:19:41.599 --> 00:19:44.319 study aggression. Here's one of the problems with studying aggression. 339 00:19:44.799 --> 00:19:47.920 It's really hard to be ethical because it's not fair 340 00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:50.680 to see some you know, to get somebody so mad 341 00:19:50.680 --> 00:19:54.759 they hurt somebody. Right, So here's what they did. Each 342 00:19:54.920 --> 00:19:58.920 couple did. Oh so it wasn't six thousand couples. It 343 00:19:58.960 --> 00:20:02.599 was six thousand tries. But each couple did thirty rounds. 344 00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:06.359 So you'd have to take six thousand divide it by thirty. 345 00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:09.440 Help me, kayla, we should be able to do that. 346 00:20:09.519 --> 00:20:12.039 Just get rid of because three goes into two. Is 347 00:20:12.079 --> 00:20:15.799 that two hundred couples? It's two hundred couples. Yeah, that works, Yeah, 348 00:20:16.079 --> 00:20:20.240 that's my Calculator's still a huge number. Okay, okay, So 349 00:20:20.279 --> 00:20:24.640 they each completed thirty rounds of a reaction time game. 350 00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:28.720 They were face to face they were wearing headphones. There 351 00:20:28.759 --> 00:20:31.240 was a game that they had to do, right now, 352 00:20:31.279 --> 00:20:35.200 get this, The winner of each round was given an 353 00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:40.200 opportunity to blast a very loud, noxious noise into the 354 00:20:40.359 --> 00:20:44.680 loser's headphones. So it'd be like, let's say you beat 355 00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:47.480 your husband at something and then you got to just 356 00:20:47.640 --> 00:20:54.079 blast him in his ears. So it allowed them to 357 00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:57.319 be aggressive to their partner. They call this ethical. By 358 00:20:57.319 --> 00:20:59.079 the way, I guess if it hurts your ears, I 359 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:02.920 don't know. Well, it doesn't cause any real harm, all right, 360 00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:05.920 This is a blast for a second, but it jars them, right, 361 00:21:06.599 --> 00:21:09.160 So you can imagine that they could also keep track 362 00:21:09.559 --> 00:21:12.759 of who was feeling more agitated, because if you were 363 00:21:12.839 --> 00:21:18.240 losing more often, you would be the one being more agitated. Right. So, 364 00:21:19.000 --> 00:21:22.599 but here's the interesting thing that the researchers did. They 365 00:21:23.400 --> 00:21:27.599 changed around the timing of the opportunity to do the blast, 366 00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:32.240 so in one group, couples could send the blast the 367 00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:37.119 loud noise right after winning the game, immediately after. In others, 368 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:40.880 they were forced to wait either different groups depends either 369 00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:50.799 five seconds, ten seconds, or fifteen seconds before blasting the sound. Surprise, surprise, surprise, 370 00:21:51.400 --> 00:21:55.799 they found that when somebody was agitated. Aggression increased by 371 00:21:55.839 --> 00:21:58.279 eighty six percent. Of course, if someone's been blasting my 372 00:21:58.400 --> 00:22:00.000 ears for the last ten minutes, they're going to get 373 00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:03.839 a big old blast for me, of course. But as 374 00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:08.759 the games progressed, couples often matched each other's aggression levels. 375 00:22:08.799 --> 00:22:11.960 The louder the partner went, the louder the other followed. Now, 376 00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:13.480 I want you to think of this in terms of 377 00:22:13.519 --> 00:22:16.920 our kitchen table argument. Right you're having an argument about 378 00:22:17.200 --> 00:22:19.440 which way to load the dishwasher or how to fold 379 00:22:19.440 --> 00:22:21.400 the tea towels. I don't know what you argue about, 380 00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:25.400 and as one person gets loud, the other person gets louder. 381 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:30.160 Now here's what the researchers found that if you waited, 382 00:22:31.319 --> 00:22:36.119 the aggressive response decreased significantly. So, Kayla, let me ask 383 00:22:36.119 --> 00:22:38.359 you this. What do you think They had one group 384 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:40.960 of couples wait five seconds before they did the blast, 385 00:22:41.319 --> 00:22:46.759 another group wait ten seconds, and another group wait fifteen seconds. 386 00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:51.440 Which group do you think significantly did a much softer blast. 387 00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:57.160 The group that waited fifteen seconds didn't matter whether it's five, ten, 388 00:22:57.400 --> 00:23:00.799 or fifteen. So therefore the research have come up with 389 00:23:00.880 --> 00:23:04.960 something called the five second rule. So here's how we 390 00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:08.039 can put it into our own lives. This is news 391 00:23:08.039 --> 00:23:11.000 you can use, folks. According to the researchers of the 392 00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:14.240 five second rule, tell your partner what I just told 393 00:23:14.279 --> 00:23:17.759 you that if you're mad and you want to say something, 394 00:23:18.279 --> 00:23:24.880 that you should wait five seconds before you talk, especially 395 00:23:24.920 --> 00:23:27.920 if you're mad, just five seconds. But you also have 396 00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:32.279 to set your terms. So is there a code word? 397 00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:36.519 Is there a countdown? Like, for instance, if you're about 398 00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:40.240 to go you an idiot? Can you instead learn to 399 00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:49.039 say five four three two one? It really hurt me 400 00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:52.319 when you said that. See, see it goes like that. Right, 401 00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:54.599