Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. Reminder, I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist,
Speaker 1: but I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation
Speaker 1: on attachment theory, and well i have a lot of
Speaker 1: opinions on the science of love. If you'd like to
Speaker 1: send me a DM with a relationship question, I will
Speaker 1: keep your identity private. The handle is at doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, here we go.
Speaker 1: First listener, Hi, Doctor Wendy. Men feel like calling and
Speaker 1: texting is just enough these days? Where are the men
Speaker 1: who buy flowers and write notes? Are women accepting less?
Speaker 1: Why don't people try anymore? I have a very long
Speaker 1: winded answer to this, but I'm gonna shrink it for you, guys.
Speaker 1: Women are accepting less. And one of the reasons why
Speaker 1: women are accepting less is because we have an oversupply
Speaker 1: of successful women in the mating marketplace and there's high
Speaker 1: competition for men who you might consider to be a
Speaker 1: high value mate, and so women are accepting less. The
Speaker 1: other reason people don't try anymore is because there is
Speaker 1: also access to so many potential mates through dating apps.
Speaker 1: I mean, evolutionary psychologists speculate that back in our hunter
Speaker 1: gatherer past, in our entire lifespan, we never laid eyes
Speaker 1: on more than one hundred and fifty people yet today,
Speaker 1: and most of those people, by the way, were related
Speaker 1: to us in our tribe. But today a new mate
Speaker 1: is a thumb swipe away. You can meet potentially thousands
Speaker 1: of people if your thumb doesn't get too tired every
Speaker 1: single day on those dating apps, just by swiping and
Speaker 1: swiping and swipe. So it tells the brain you don't
Speaker 1: have to try very hard. Supply is high, so the
Speaker 1: price is low. But having said that, let me use
Speaker 1: my favorite analogy tomatoes. Let's say one year there is
Speaker 1: a bumper crop of tomatoes, and let's say the price
Speaker 1: of tomatoes drops to one cent per head. I promise
Speaker 1: you there is still a small market for an artisan,
Speaker 1: organic heirloom tomato. That's two dollars ahead. So which are you.
Speaker 1: We teach people how to treat us, and we don't
Speaker 1: teach them by being demanding. We don't say I expect
Speaker 1: you to send me flowers. What we do is we
Speaker 1: practice slow love. We don't rush into bed with somebody
Speaker 1: because all of a sudden you have become that one
Speaker 1: sent tomato. We take our time, we assess, we're polite
Speaker 1: and friendly, and we reveal, but we don't rush. We
Speaker 1: make mates work for us, and this applies to all genders.
Speaker 1: We appreciate people who we get to sacrifice for. Did
Speaker 1: you hear that language? Who we get to sacrifice for?
Speaker 1: Give someone the opportunity to sacrifice for you. And now
Speaker 1: you're gonna say, yeah, but the ones I want to
Speaker 1: sacrifice for me don't. Yeah, So let them move along
Speaker 1: because they're not ones you should want. You see you have.
Speaker 1: It's like a test. And yes, there are beautiful, wonderful,
Speaker 1: amazing men out there. They're listening right now. Who say
Speaker 1: I buy women flowers? I write little notes. My Julio
Speaker 1: writes beautiful cards. He's a card guy. He's the romantic anyway.
Speaker 1: So if you set your criteria, if you set your standard,
Speaker 1: and you are polite with setting your boundaries, not demanding,
Speaker 1: you'll see people will show up. We'll treat you kindly.
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, I don't like dating apps, Well, most
Speaker 1: people don't. I just had some awful experiences. What are
Speaker 1: some organic ways to meet men in twenty twenty four? Okay,
Speaker 1: so I do want to say that dating apps are
Speaker 1: no different than what a crowded singles bar was like
Speaker 1: in the nineteen eighties. Okay. All they are is a
Speaker 1: place to sort of meet a stranger and then figure
Speaker 1: out who they are. And so there are some skills
Speaker 1: that you need to learn in order to use dating
Speaker 1: apps correctly. So that's the first thing I'll say. It's
Speaker 1: not that you've had some awful experiences, is that you
Speaker 1: probably didn't say no and eliminate them early enough. Right.
Speaker 1: You can often do it by reading the profile and
Speaker 1: reading into it figuring out hmmm no, Or you can
Speaker 1: do it after a couple texts, or you can do
Speaker 1: it after one phone call. But you're if you are
Speaker 1: instead projecting onto this profile that this person is the
Speaker 1: most perfect person and then you meet in the real world,
Speaker 1: is completely different. It's like, well, you didn't do your
Speaker 1: due diligence. There's a few layers. But having said that.
Speaker 1: I am a big believer in the fact that we
Speaker 1: are missing a third space in our culture. We have
Speaker 1: our workplace and our home place. We don't go to
Speaker 1: pubs like the English do as much. I mean, we
Speaker 1: hang out at Starbucks, but really are you meeting people?
Speaker 1: This is why probably the most expensive grocery store in America,
Speaker 1: air One, has become the biggest single bars. It's crazy
Speaker 1: a grocery store has become a singles bar. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you know what air One is, but you can.
Speaker 1: There's a small section where there's very expensive organic vegetables,
Speaker 1: it's some organic wine, and then all those packaged new
Speaker 1: age foods that you don't recognize. But really it's all
Speaker 1: about the prepared food and the lineup, the slow lineup
Speaker 1: for the prepared food, and the people talking, and the
Speaker 1: smoothie bar and the coffee bar and the tables outside.
Speaker 1: I don't care if you're in the one in calabass
Speaker 1: or Venice. It's packed with single people. I will say that.
Speaker 1: But I do think we need a third space, and
Speaker 1: you can find that third space by joining clubs and
Speaker 1: also doing volunteer work. That's a big one because you
Speaker 1: find compassionate people who are doing compassionate works. So volunteering
Speaker 1: is very important. Uh, but also learn how to use
Speaker 1: those apps. Just want to say that. Okay, I think
Speaker 1: we have time for one more before we go to
Speaker 1: the break. Hey, doctor, Wendy, the lover in me is dying.
Speaker 1: Oh and I am becoming cynical. How can I keep
Speaker 1: the lover in me alive in this terrible mating marketplace? Well,
Speaker 1: I will say this, the process of finding a good
Speaker 1: mate is really the process of eliminating many, many, many
Speaker 1: many mates. Remember we have access to so many through
Speaker 1: the dating apps now, and so it can get a
Speaker 1: little bit demoralizing to constantly be like, no, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: Oh they're bad. No, I had hopes for this one. Oh,
Speaker 1: that one's gone. All right. So I'm a big believer
Speaker 1: in taking breaks. Get on the apps for a few months,
Speaker 1: and then go out for a few months with your
Speaker 1: friends and family and co workers and have fun and
Speaker 1: remember how lovable you are and don't even worry about
Speaker 1: those apps. Okay, So just take breaks, go back and forth,
Speaker 1: keep going back to reminding yourself how beautiful and fabulous
Speaker 1: you are and how great life is. Just because you're
Speaker 1: not a match with the last four hundred people doesn't
Speaker 1: mean the four hundred and one person four hundred and
Speaker 1: first person would be great for you. Okay, when we
Speaker 1: come back, I'm going to continue to answer your social
Speaker 1: media question. Send me a DM on Instagram at Dr
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: Show on KFI AM six forty one Live everywhere on
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2: To Doctor Wendy Walsh on Demand from KFI AM six
Speaker 2: forty Welcome back.
Speaker 1: To the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six
Speaker 1: forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio, Tap radio app, tap
Speaker 1: app wherever you want to go iHeartRadio app. You know,
Speaker 1: if you miss any part of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show,
Speaker 1: or you miss one particular week, you can always download
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app and just search doctor Wendy Walsh and
Speaker 1: you can listen to shows all the time. They're put
Speaker 1: up as Doctor Wendy on demand podcasts or whatever. They're
Speaker 1: all there. They're there. If you'd like to send me
Speaker 1: a DM, I will keep your identity private on my
Speaker 1: Instagram at d r Wendy Walsh. Producer Klea scrolls through
Speaker 1: there and finds your questions here we go. All right,
Speaker 1: dear doctor Wendy, this is a tough question. Oh tough question.
Speaker 1: I better get ready for this one. My boyfriend frequents
Speaker 1: this spa like once a week. I understand life gets
Speaker 1: stressful and I love a massage myself. But I was
Speaker 1: at a bar recently where my friends and I met
Speaker 1: some men, and these men were saying that this spa
Speaker 1: in particular is where men go to have sex with
Speaker 1: other men.
Speaker 2: Da da da da.
Speaker 1: So what's a question? She says? How can I ask
Speaker 1: my man about it without making it seem like I
Speaker 1: don't trust him? Well, it doesn't matter if you are
Speaker 1: acting untrustworthy or not. Who cares. You have a right
Speaker 1: to have more information about his extracurricular pursuits. I do
Speaker 1: want to let you know that he may lie to you,
Speaker 1: and also he may be going there just to have
Speaker 1: a massage, so you won't really know the answer that
Speaker 1: he's going to give you. So what you're going to
Speaker 1: say is, hey, some people told me that spa you
Speaker 1: go to is where men have sex with men. Is
Speaker 1: that your experience? Can you tell me what really goes
Speaker 1: on there? And just a curious mind, like, I need
Speaker 1: to know what have you seen there? Now? This gives
Speaker 1: him a great opportunity to lie. Yeah, I heard about that.
Speaker 1: I've saw some guys go in another room, but not me.
Speaker 1: This kind of gross or whatever. He'll just say, he'll lie.
Speaker 1: It's not gross, by the way, that's just what he
Speaker 1: might say to lie. And so you have then got
Speaker 1: to discern he knows he's now on alert. If in
Speaker 1: fact this is happening, you might say to him, I
Speaker 1: would feel more comfortable if you could go to like
Speaker 1: Burke Williams, or like a run of the mill, regular spa, whatever,
Speaker 1: and see if you can't say, look, if that'll make
Speaker 1: you feel more comfortable, sure, I'll go there, find one
Speaker 1: the same price. If he says I can't afford that,
Speaker 1: I have to go to this one. I know it's
Speaker 1: a tough one. But if you grow real intimacy, hopefully
Speaker 1: what comes along with that are feelings of security and trust,
Speaker 1: and hopefully you can have these conversations more easily. Okay,
Speaker 1: moving along, here's one. Dear Wendy. I am recently divorced
Speaker 1: and I'm getting back into the dating game. I am
Speaker 1: forty seven and have not been single in twenty years
Speaker 1: today seems dangerous. What are some ways I can be
Speaker 1: safe dating in this new climate. Well, we're two kinds
Speaker 1: of safety, right, physical safety and emotional safety. Let's talk
Speaker 1: about physical safety first. You're largely meeting strangers who you've
Speaker 1: met online. Make sure when you meet them, you meet
Speaker 1: in a very public place, you bring your own transportation,
Speaker 1: You watch your drink carefully. I mean literally, I mean
Speaker 1: things happen, right, So I would say make sure you
Speaker 1: do a longer assessment before you meet in the real world.
Speaker 1: Don't get into a long text relationship. The only times
Speaker 1: of my life where I've only texted people and then
Speaker 1: meet them in real life, there's a reason why they
Speaker 1: didn't want to get on the phone, trust me. And
Speaker 1: then you meet in real life and it's like, ooh,
Speaker 1: this is nothing like those texts. So get on the phone,
Speaker 1: have a couple of conversations, maybe even a zoom so
Speaker 1: you know it's a real person. Also, worry about the
Speaker 1: people who won't meet you in the real world and
Speaker 1: won't get on the phone. That should be red flags, right,
Speaker 1: So that's a little bit. And also just let your
Speaker 1: friends know where you're going and who you're meeting. Right.
Speaker 1: That helps. So that's about physical safety. The emotional safety
Speaker 1: are about skills that you need to learn. Relationships are
Speaker 1: all about skill, they're not about luck. And people with
Speaker 1: good relationship skills naturally will be more attractive to others
Speaker 1: and find more people attractive. So I would suggest about
Speaker 1: emotional safety that you get a therapist as your wingman. No,
Speaker 1: the therapist doesn't go to the bar with you, but
Speaker 1: you go back and report here's what happened, and here's
Speaker 1: what they said, and what do you think that meant,
Speaker 1: et cetera. So you kind of have somebody with some
Speaker 1: real knowledge who can help you through this, because, yeah,
Speaker 1: if you haven't been dating in twenty years, it's not
Speaker 1: that things have changed, it's that you've changed and you
Speaker 1: don't remember how it was and how to protect yourself.
Speaker 1: But do protect yourself, all right, Dear doctor Wendy, I
Speaker 1: was trying to date the most perfect woman. There's no
Speaker 1: such thing, by the way, I was trying to date
Speaker 1: the most perfect woman for three years, and she paid
Speaker 1: me no mind. I just bought a car and it's
Speaker 1: pretty luxury. I posted on social media and now she's
Speaker 1: actually messaging me back. Can I make a successful relationship
Speaker 1: with someone who wasn't interested in me until she saw
Speaker 1: my car. Alrighty, let me think about this for a minute.
Speaker 1: We know that women are stimulated by resources. A display
Speaker 1: of resources by a man indicates that maybe there's a
Speaker 1: time where she can actually take time off to have
Speaker 1: a baby, and there's going to be enough food in
Speaker 1: the fridge for everybody. Okay, that's basic survival needs. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't be put off that she seems like a bit
Speaker 1: of a gold digger, because all women should be a
Speaker 1: little bit of a gold digger. On the other hand,
Speaker 1: I don't know what you did for three years where
Speaker 1: she paid you no mind. But if you were sacrificing
Speaker 1: a lot and she did nothing and now she's interested,
Speaker 1: it may indicate that her values are one hundred percent
Speaker 1: gold digger, that it's not about you at all. So
Speaker 1: she's messaging you back. I don't know you really like her.
Speaker 1: I know you really like her, But how are you
Speaker 1: ever going to trust her if it's all about the car?
Speaker 1: You know what you could do? This is so what
Speaker 1: I would do. I would go out on a date
Speaker 1: with her, see how it goes, and then on the
Speaker 1: second date, if it seems to be going. Well, say
Speaker 1: to her, by the way, remember for three years when
Speaker 1: I was trying to get your attention and you didn't,
Speaker 1: And now I got a fancy car and you're messaging
Speaker 1: me back because I posted on and do you want
Speaker 1: to talk more about that? And she's going to say no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm just at a different stage of life now. You
Speaker 1: see I was seeing this other guy. Then I had
Speaker 1: nothing to do with your car. That's what they will say. Say,
Speaker 1: but at least put her on alert that you're on
Speaker 1: to her and you can watch. All right, I think
Speaker 1: we have time for one more real fast, real fast.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend went viral, oh really and gained a lot
Speaker 1: of followers. Recently, he's getting tons of attention. He likes
Speaker 1: it a little too much and it's a turn off.
Speaker 1: Should I let his fifteen minutes of fame passed or
Speaker 1: address this issue with him? He isn't cheating, but he's
Speaker 1: posting a lot and going live all the time. But
Speaker 1: he's not trying to monetize it. He's just getting attention. Okay,
Speaker 1: So why does he need all this attention? I think
Speaker 1: this is a time to open a door of opportunity
Speaker 1: for communication. So you can say Hey, honey, I'm feeling
Speaker 1: a little neglected because it feels like you're giving more
Speaker 1: time to your social media following than me. And also,
Speaker 1: can I have your password to look at your dms?
Speaker 1: Because I'm telling you it's only a matter of time.
Speaker 1: Because what does do? People online attract a ton of
Speaker 1: mate poachers, right, and if you have a safe, secure relationship,
Speaker 1: he should feel comfortable letting you know that there's no
Speaker 1: mate or those mate posters he's ignoring them or whatever.
Speaker 1: I would bring it up. It's an opportunity to talk,
Speaker 1: all right, when we come back. If you are in
Speaker 1: a long term relationship and you guys argue or fight
Speaker 1: and you're worried if you should stay together, some psychologists
Speaker 1: have come up with something called the five second rule.
Speaker 1: I'm going to break it down for you when we
Speaker 1: come back. It is fascinating and it could save your marriage.
Speaker 1: You are listening to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on
Speaker 1: KFI AM six forty. We live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app let
Speaker 1: us talk about conflict in our intimate relationships. Some people
Speaker 1: erroneously have the belief that if you fight, you have
Speaker 1: a bad relationship or an unhealthy relationship. Actually the opposite
Speaker 1: is true. The people who have the healthiest relationships actually
Speaker 1: have conflict pretty darn regularly. However, they work it out.
Speaker 1: It's tiny border skirmishes all the time where they are
Speaker 1: just resetting their boundaries, and this prevents the huge, knockdown,
Speaker 1: blow them out arguments. Kayla, have you ever had a
Speaker 1: relationship of a relationship, a little argument with some of
Speaker 1: your dating that starts out really small and then for
Speaker 1: no reason it blows up.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it's like a full blown I think that's
Speaker 3: common if you don't have strong communication. It's just like
Speaker 3: people just misunderstand each other and only see from their
Speaker 3: perspective a lot of the time, so it always turns
Speaker 3: into something that it doesn't need to be right.
Speaker 1: I think they get defensive because you feel like they're
Speaker 1: being attacked, when actually we should stop and open our
Speaker 1: ears and listen and ask ourselves, like what we should change.
Speaker 1: But the other thing is, since people might have other
Speaker 1: things they're irritated about it can just snowball into a
Speaker 1: full blown fight out of nowhere sometimes and you're just like,
Speaker 1: where did that come from? Right? I? Actually that happened
Speaker 1: to me with my daughter this week of all things.
Speaker 1: And it was just some tiny little thing that happened
Speaker 1: on my wedding weekend that she she did I that
Speaker 1: I never brought up to her, never talked to anybody about.
Speaker 1: And then somehow she said something about that weekend that
Speaker 1: triggered me, and I just and she looked at me,
Speaker 1: she goes, where did that come from? And I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just exploded. That's interesting, But that's how it works.
Speaker 1: So I want to tell you about this really interesting study.
Speaker 1: It's brand new. It was published just in August in
Speaker 1: an academic journal called Communications Psychology. I should mention the
Speaker 1: lead researchers, Anna McCurry and Robert May and David Donaldson.
Speaker 1: So here's what they tried to do. They wanted to
Speaker 1: try to figure out what escalates couples arguments, how come
Speaker 1: a small thing can turn into a big thing? Right?
Speaker 1: And they also more importantly wanted to find out how
Speaker 1: to prevent these kinds of escalations. Escalations escalator escalations. So
Speaker 1: they did research using six thousand trials, six thousand couples fighting.
Speaker 1: This is huge. Okay, this is a huge. This We
Speaker 1: should pay attention. You know, if you read a research
Speaker 1: study and they say, oh, yeah, we had fourteen couples
Speaker 1: in our studies, you're like, well, you missed out my
Speaker 1: peer group, right, No, this is so they're trying to
Speaker 1: study aggression. Here's one of the problems with studying aggression.
Speaker 1: It's really hard to be ethical because it's not fair
Speaker 1: to see some you know, to get somebody so mad
Speaker 1: they hurt somebody. Right, So here's what they did. Each
Speaker 1: couple did. Oh so it wasn't six thousand couples. It
Speaker 1: was six thousand tries. But each couple did thirty rounds.
Speaker 1: So you'd have to take six thousand divide it by thirty.
Speaker 1: Help me, kayla, we should be able to do that.
Speaker 1: Just get rid of because three goes into two. Is
Speaker 1: that two hundred couples? It's two hundred couples. Yeah, that works, Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's my Calculator's still a huge number. Okay, okay, So
Speaker 1: they each completed thirty rounds of a reaction time game.
Speaker 1: They were face to face they were wearing headphones. There
Speaker 1: was a game that they had to do, right now,
Speaker 1: get this, The winner of each round was given an
Speaker 1: opportunity to blast a very loud, noxious noise into the
Speaker 1: loser's headphones. So it'd be like, let's say you beat
Speaker 1: your husband at something and then you got to just
Speaker 1: blast him in his ears. So it allowed them to
Speaker 1: be aggressive to their partner. They call this ethical. By
Speaker 1: the way, I guess if it hurts your ears, I
Speaker 1: don't know. Well, it doesn't cause any real harm, all right,
Speaker 1: This is a blast for a second, but it jars them, right,
Speaker 1: So you can imagine that they could also keep track
Speaker 1: of who was feeling more agitated, because if you were
Speaker 1: losing more often, you would be the one being more agitated. Right. So,
Speaker 1: but here's the interesting thing that the researchers did. They
Speaker 1: changed around the timing of the opportunity to do the blast,
Speaker 1: so in one group, couples could send the blast the
Speaker 1: loud noise right after winning the game, immediately after. In others,
Speaker 1: they were forced to wait either different groups depends either
Speaker 1: five seconds, ten seconds, or fifteen seconds before blasting the sound. Surprise, surprise, surprise,
Speaker 1: they found that when somebody was agitated. Aggression increased by
Speaker 1: eighty six percent. Of course, if someone's been blasting my
Speaker 1: ears for the last ten minutes, they're going to get
Speaker 1: a big old blast for me, of course. But as
Speaker 1: the games progressed, couples often matched each other's aggression levels.
Speaker 1: The louder the partner went, the louder the other followed. Now,
Speaker 1: I want you to think of this in terms of
Speaker 1: our kitchen table argument. Right you're having an argument about
Speaker 1: which way to load the dishwasher or how to fold
Speaker 1: the tea towels. I don't know what you argue about,
Speaker 1: and as one person gets loud, the other person gets louder.
Speaker 1: Now here's what the researchers found that if you waited,
Speaker 1: the aggressive response decreased significantly. So, Kayla, let me ask
Speaker 1: you this. What do you think They had one group
Speaker 1: of couples wait five seconds before they did the blast,
Speaker 1: another group wait ten seconds, and another group wait fifteen seconds.
Speaker 1: Which group do you think significantly did a much softer blast.
Speaker 1: The group that waited fifteen seconds didn't matter whether it's five, ten,
Speaker 1: or fifteen. So therefore the research have come up with
Speaker 1: something called the five second rule. So here's how we
Speaker 1: can put it into our own lives. This is news
Speaker 1: you can use, folks. According to the researchers of the
Speaker 1: five second rule, tell your partner what I just told
Speaker 1: you that if you're mad and you want to say something,
Speaker 1: that you should wait five seconds before you talk, especially
Speaker 1: if you're mad, just five seconds. But you also have
Speaker 1: to set your terms. So is there a code word?
Speaker 1: Is there a countdown? Like, for instance, if you're about
Speaker 1: to go you an idiot? Can you instead learn to
Speaker 1: say five four three two one? It really hurt me
Speaker 1: when you said that. See, see it goes like that. Right,
Speaker 1: Maybe you do a countdown, Maybe you have a code
Speaker 1: word and you just pause, right, Is it okay to
Speaker 1: pause as you know? Are you going to keep the
Speaker 1: conversation going? Remember this rule creates a little cool down,
Speaker 1: to de escalate. It does not solve the problem. It's
Speaker 1: not a get out of jail free card for difficult conversations.
Speaker 1: You don't get to avoid the conversation. It's just to
Speaker 1: de escalate so you can have a real conversation. So
Speaker 1: the next time you feel the tension rising, give that
Speaker 1: whatever signal you've agreed upon, Maybe just hold up your
Speaker 1: hand like this with fives like tuck to the hand
Speaker 1: five second rule and you move your fingers and you
Speaker 1: count down to five and see if it works. You
Speaker 1: might be completely surprised. That's called putting the research to work.
Speaker 1: All right, when we come back, maybe it did have
Speaker 1: a big argument. Maybe it's time to apologize. When is
Speaker 1: a good time to apologize in relationships? And when should
Speaker 1: you never apologize because it's not your fault. You're listening
Speaker 1: to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show I Am six forty
Speaker 1: were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show here on KFI AM six forty. Remember, if
Speaker 1: you ever miss any part of this show, you can
Speaker 1: just download the iHeartRadio app and type in doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: You know I apologize a lot. In fact, on the
Speaker 1: break I dropped something and said I'm sorry sorry to
Speaker 1: Kayla because I mean I apologize to lamps. And when
Speaker 1: I first began therapy as a patient, I remember my
Speaker 1: therapist bringing it up and saying, you know, you really
Speaker 1: do apologize a lot. And what she didn't know is that,
Speaker 1: in my case, it's completely cultural, which is Canadian.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: You notice I didn't say sorry, I said sorry, right,
Speaker 1: So we are just taught to say sorry, sorry, excuse me, sorry,
Speaker 1: all the time. It's just and it doesn't even mean
Speaker 1: we don't even have to be soret we just have
Speaker 1: to say it. It's like when I moved to Italy
Speaker 1: that it is illegal to pass someone on the street
Speaker 1: after two pm and not say Buenos Aire. Like you're
Speaker 1: considered the rudest, weirdest person in the world if you
Speaker 1: don't say good afternoon when you see somebody. That is
Speaker 1: just a thing, right. And I also didn't know when
Speaker 1: Boniorno changes to Buenos Aeria, but it's two pm a
Speaker 1: heart like around one or two in the afternoon, all
Speaker 1: of a sudden. So anyway, sometimes it's not good to
Speaker 1: always apologize to your partner. There sometimes when a legitimate, honest,
Speaker 1: vulnerable apology is necessary, but taking the blame for everything
Speaker 1: in your relationship is not necessary. So in my opinion,
Speaker 1: there are two times when yes, you should definitely apologize.
Speaker 1: One is if you violated your relationship agreement. Now, whether
Speaker 1: it's something big like infidelity or something small like you
Speaker 1: got home before them and you watched an episode of
Speaker 1: the series you guys were watching together. Did you sneak ahead?
Speaker 1: You know what the penalty is for that, You know, right,
Speaker 1: you got to rewatch it with them. That's the rule.
Speaker 1: You know what's interesting. And I'm digressing, but it's true.
Speaker 1: I did it one time and I said to Julio,
Speaker 1: that's okay, I'll watch it again, because I was fully
Speaker 1: prepared to watch it twice. And he said, no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm uncomfortable sitting there knowing you've already seen it. Of course,
Speaker 1: I said, I'm getting senile. I forgot half of it anyway,
Speaker 1: and we're watching Showgun where you're reading the subtitle is
Speaker 1: going so fast, like okay, but whatever it is, if
Speaker 1: you've actually violated your relationship agreement, it's okay to say
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Another example is if you have violated one
Speaker 1: of your own personal core values, so you have to
Speaker 1: understand that you behaved in a way that fell short
Speaker 1: of who you aspire to be in this relationship, and
Speaker 1: you feel guilty, you feel shame, you feel yucky, right,
Speaker 1: then it is okay to say, you know, let's use
Speaker 1: an example of You went out with your friends. At
Speaker 1: the last minute, you had said you were going to
Speaker 1: cook dinner at home. You left your partner with no food,
Speaker 1: and you abandoned them without letting them. You know. The
Speaker 1: thing is, when you're in a relationship, you do have
Speaker 1: to confer with somebody. You got to make sure they're
Speaker 1: taken care of. You can't just live like you're not
Speaker 1: in a relationship. Right, So you did it. You go out,
Speaker 1: you have a good time, and then you feel bad.
Speaker 1: You come home and they're asleep already, and you look
Speaker 1: and there's a pizza box. They ordered something, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I should have at least prepped something for them or whatever. Right,
Speaker 1: that's one of your core values. Your value is that
Speaker 1: you liked to in this case care for people, right,
Speaker 1: And what are relationships but an exchange of care? Right,
Speaker 1: we care for each other. And so then it's a
Speaker 1: good idea to apologize and say I behaved a way
Speaker 1: that in a way that's not you know, fitting of me,
Speaker 1: This is not what I want how I want you
Speaker 1: to think of me. That's okay. So when are you
Speaker 1: not supposed to apologize? Well, psychologists would say, if you
Speaker 1: immediately want to say you're sorry just out of a habit.
Speaker 1: Well that's what I do. I did say sorry. I
Speaker 1: don't know it works in my relationships. But and also,
Speaker 1: don't apologize if you don't mean it right, like an
Speaker 1: extracted apology. And if you are somebody out there who
Speaker 1: attempts to extract apologies from other people, like you need
Speaker 1: to apologize for what you did, let me say you're sorry, right,
Speaker 1: and then they do it. You don't feel any better
Speaker 1: because you know it's a lie, right, you know it's
Speaker 1: a lie, all right? How to make an apology sincere
Speaker 1: and work? Instead of focusing on the reasons why you
Speaker 1: did the bad thing, we always do that. We make
Speaker 1: the sense I'm sorry, but you know I was My
Speaker 1: boss kept me late at work, and i'm sorry, instead
Speaker 1: of saying, instead of focusing on seeking their forgiveness, i'm sorry,
Speaker 1: can you find a way to forgive me for being
Speaker 1: so late and having the dinner burn or get cold
Speaker 1: or whatever? So you want to focus on what it
Speaker 1: means to them, not providing excuses for your behavior. Also,
Speaker 1: be really specific about what you're apologizing for. And I'm
Speaker 1: a big believer in saying the words i'm sorry, not
Speaker 1: I apologize. If I apologize sounds distant, it sounds a
Speaker 1: step away. But saying I'm sorry that I did this,
Speaker 1: repeat the bad thing you did. I know this hurt you.
Speaker 1: Can you find a way to forgive me. That is
Speaker 1: how you give a sincere apology when it's warranted. But
Speaker 1: if you're saying sorry, sorry, sorry all day long, you
Speaker 1: either have low self esteem or your Canadian just want
Speaker 1: to say anyway, And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 1: Show to a close. I am here for you every
Speaker 1: Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also find
Speaker 1: me online at doctor Wendy Walsh dot com, on my
Speaker 1: social media and you can also join my Patreon group
Speaker 1: on Wednesday nights Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 1: But I'm always here for you on KFI am six forty.
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show live
Speaker 1: everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us lie on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
Speaker 1: and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.