WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.480 The smell of slowly charring corn and wood smoke always 2 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:10.160 makes me think of the beginning of summer, the shudder 3 00:00:10.160 --> 00:00:12.839 and settle of warm air just before a sudden dusk, 4 00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:16.559 the cling of mosquito spray, the pop of a champagne cork, 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:19.359 and the light, hazy sound of people laughing through my 6 00:00:19.440 --> 00:00:23.519 open kitchen windows. We host this barbecue every year, no 7 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:27.800 matter what has happened, new jobs, big moves, phrenetic deadlines, 8 00:00:27.960 --> 00:00:33.039 personal winds, losses, round number birthdays. I used to believe 9 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.399 the tradition meant that the center held whatever the weather. 10 00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:39.679 This time it felt different, though I tried not to 11 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:43.119 let that show. I dished jalapenos a little too fine, 12 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:46.359 ruining their crunch as my thumb skimmed my phone every 13 00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.320 few minutes, expecting Andrew to text with an update on 14 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.799 his route home. He should have been here by now, 15 00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:55.000 had promised to pick up ice, his specialty be a cooler. 16 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.159 The impossible to find garlic sausages, he said, were the 17 00:00:58.200 --> 00:01:02.679 soul of summer. In dead A single vibration buzzed across 18 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:07.840 the butcher block, and I wiped my hands, checked the message, Babe, sorry, 19 00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:10.680 caught up with a long run, and Ben's car died 20 00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:13.599 near the trail head, bringing him a jump. Not sure 21 00:01:13.640 --> 00:01:16.879 how long might be late, Don't wait on me, Love you, 22 00:01:18.000 --> 00:01:21.560 The cheerful tone ending with love you stuck out. I 23 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:24.319 realized how much it mimicked the way people wrote post 24 00:01:24.359 --> 00:01:28.480 its to themselves. Practical upbeat, except that Andrew had never 25 00:01:28.519 --> 00:01:32.200 once missed our barbecue, not one in six years. He 26 00:01:32.280 --> 00:01:36.359 called these our favorite day. Always dragged friends into setting 27 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:39.959 up the back yard lights, insisted on playlist curation to 28 00:01:40.000 --> 00:01:44.040 the point of iroling arguments. I began answering the door 29 00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:47.799 with tight, practiced warmth. Andrew's on a rescue mission. I 30 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:50.959 joked to Sabrina, who brought two cheap bottles of rosee 31 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:54.319 and a cooler with suspiciously fancied cheese. He'll be back 32 00:01:54.359 --> 00:01:58.040 to dominate the grill, probably with stories about mud and disaster. 33 00:01:58.640 --> 00:02:03.000 She squeezed my hand, eyebrows, rising, you're too calm, want 34 00:02:03.000 --> 00:02:06.560 me to threaten his job security? We laughed, the brittle, 35 00:02:06.640 --> 00:02:10.520 polite kind. I brushed off the question and set her 36 00:02:10.599 --> 00:02:13.599 up as co host, tasks I knew would keep eyes 37 00:02:13.639 --> 00:02:17.240 off me for now. Friends craned their necks looking down 38 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:21.400 the driveway plates started to circle half finished, as guests 39 00:02:21.479 --> 00:02:24.400 kept glancing at their watches. During the first pass of burghers, 40 00:02:24.840 --> 00:02:28.000 I let everyone believe Andrew was just running late, maybe 41 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:31.879 he'd show up any minute. Shoes spattered, smile sheepish, holding 42 00:02:31.879 --> 00:02:35.280 an energy drink for comic effect, but the sky deepened 43 00:02:35.280 --> 00:02:38.439 from blue to violet, and his absences mark the night, 44 00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:43.199 subtle at first and then undeniably present. By the time 45 00:02:43.319 --> 00:02:46.360 Mark and Olivia tried to salvage their side dish mishap 46 00:02:46.680 --> 00:02:50.599 a burned tray of vegetable skewers. My phone buzzed again, 47 00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:53.639 try to save me, some of your guark. Should only 48 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:57.639 be thirty forty more minutes, but the next hour slipped away, 49 00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:00.680 and then everyone began organizing around on the fact that 50 00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:05.000 Andrew was definitely not coming clean up after these parties 51 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:08.639 had been his territory, a learned partnership built over years, 52 00:03:09.080 --> 00:03:11.360 and I hated every second of being left with the 53 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:16.000 sticky glasses and salsa bowls. The guest list filtered out, hugs, 54 00:03:16.039 --> 00:03:19.360 turning awkward, A couple friends offering to stay and help, 55 00:03:19.599 --> 00:03:22.960 but never pressing when I said, no, thanks, I've got 56 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:27.120 it alone. Rinsing out the last remnants of wine from 57 00:03:27.159 --> 00:03:30.560 the porch banister. I picked up Andrew's backpack from where 58 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:33.360 he tossed it usually for me to nag him about 59 00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:36.919 mud on the floor. As I went to carry it upstairs, 60 00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:40.439 a couple items spilled out. A pair of trail shoes 61 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:43.319 caked with red dirt more like clay than anything in 62 00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:46.240 the city parks, and a crumpled energy bar wrapper with 63 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:49.599 a logo for Elkwood twenty five K. I turned it over. 64 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.840 The event location was in Silverborough, a small city two 65 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:56.800 hours away, but Andrew had said he was training for 66 00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:00.960 a marathon on the city's river belt, not Silverborough. I 67 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:03.360 held the wrapper and told myself not to make it 68 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:07.879 into something unkind or unreasonable. Runners swap gear. Maybe he 69 00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:10.680 picked it up second hand. Maybe Ben was the one 70 00:04:10.759 --> 00:04:14.400 training for that run. Besides, Andrew never lied to me, 71 00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:17.480 not in ways that mattered. The rest of the night, 72 00:04:17.560 --> 00:04:19.959 I tried to let go of the oddity, washing away 73 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:22.040 doubt in the hum of the dish washer, but the 74 00:04:22.040 --> 00:04:24.759 taste of unease was sharp and flat on my tongue 75 00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:28.920 until I fell asleep alone in our bed The next 76 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:31.879 morning held that peculiar quiet that comes after a party. 77 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.959 The kitchen littered with bottles, the grill, kneading, scrubbing, empty 78 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:40.480 bowls stacked on the counter. I rinsed everything, distractedly, replaying 79 00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:44.519 each interaction with guests the night before. The easy teasing 80 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:48.680 questions where s Andrew and marks, The clipped jokes about 81 00:04:48.720 --> 00:04:51.639 Andrew using another training day as an excuse for a 82 00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:55.920 long nap settled in my mind like grainy sand I 83 00:04:56.040 --> 00:04:59.800 cycled through my typical post barbecue ritual, left over, chilly 84 00:04:59.800 --> 00:05:04.759 in tupperware playlist, still looping, Andrew finally staggered in, hair 85 00:05:04.800 --> 00:05:08.920 flattened with sweat lines. He flashed an exhausted smile, a 86 00:05:08.959 --> 00:05:14.279 little guilty, a lot apologetic nightmare of a run. Ben's 87 00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:16.560 car battery just gave up in the middle of nowhere. 88 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:20.480 He did a sheepish gesture, mussing his own hair. Sorry, 89 00:05:20.720 --> 00:05:24.199 I missed the whole thing. Ha, I nodded, getting him 90 00:05:24.199 --> 00:05:27.920 a glass of water. Everyone noticed. I told them you 91 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:32.439 were off saving the world. He winced. Yeah, felt terrible. 92 00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:36.720 He started unloading his shorts, pockets, keys, a little cash, 93 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:40.079 a shredded receipt I figured was for gas, and his phone, 94 00:05:40.360 --> 00:05:44.199 which he almost immediately began scrolling through. Did I miss 95 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:48.399 any legendary grilling complaints. I'd always thought we were pretty 96 00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:51.079 good at the easy story, the couple who could laugh 97 00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:54.079 at the mist moments, who bounced back, who didn't sweat 98 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:58.279 the small stuff. I said, just the usual, Mark, and 99 00:05:58.319 --> 00:06:02.040 Olivia charred the eggplant into ash. Sabrina threatened to take 100 00:06:02.040 --> 00:06:05.680 over the playlist. I fielded a dozen concerned texts about 101 00:06:05.680 --> 00:06:09.519 your absence. He gave a willing groan, did a little bow. 102 00:06:10.120 --> 00:06:14.000 I will wash every dish. We worked in silence, then 103 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:18.160 a little too carefully avoiding the subject. He didn't mention Silverborough, 104 00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:20.759 or why his shoes looked like they de run through 105 00:06:20.759 --> 00:06:24.439 a brickyard, not our local river path. Instead, he leaned 106 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:27.439 over the sink, scrubbing and told me about odd wild 107 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:30.800 life on the trail and how Ben's phone had spotty reception. 108 00:06:31.399 --> 00:06:36.519 It felt plausible, normal, if slightly practiced. That afternoon, I 109 00:06:36.600 --> 00:06:39.720 let the moment slide. I set the energy bar wrapper 110 00:06:39.759 --> 00:06:42.399 on our catchull shelf, meaning to toss it, but never 111 00:06:42.519 --> 00:06:46.639 quite doing so. Andrew napped by dinner. He was cheerful 112 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:50.639 and teasing, thumbs dancing on his phone while I stirred stirfry. 113 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:55.319 We didn't mention the barbecue again. It was easier. Still, 114 00:06:55.399 --> 00:06:59.959 I found myself rewinding memories, testing their integrity. How had 115 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:02.959 we landed here where an absent husband could tilt the 116 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:07.279 world's balance seven years ago? It was all charm. He 117 00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:10.160 noticed me at a friend's concert, first called out my 118 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:13.519 saucerer laugh and teased that I probably tricked the band 119 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:17.480 into an encore. I shot back something about graphic designers 120 00:07:17.480 --> 00:07:20.879 being moody. He took my number, and by midnight we 121 00:07:20.879 --> 00:07:23.800 were off with a haphazard group to a secret speakeasy, 122 00:07:24.160 --> 00:07:28.399 exchanging secrets like kids trading cards. He could be the 123 00:07:28.399 --> 00:07:31.800 loudest guy in a packed bar, or quietly attentive in 124 00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:34.600 a kitchen at three in the morning, building a fort 125 00:07:34.639 --> 00:07:39.519 out of coat piles. We came alive in crowds, food festivals, 126 00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:43.720 roof top wine tastings, themed parties. Some are barbecues, our 127 00:07:43.759 --> 00:07:46.959 shared super Bowl. Even after our wedding, we were the hosts, 128 00:07:47.319 --> 00:07:50.480 the couple people expected to be first on any social VP, 129 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:53.360 the ones bringing five kinds of dip and twice as 130 00:07:53.360 --> 00:07:57.439 many stories. Andrew had a knack for gathering strays, colleagues 131 00:07:57.439 --> 00:08:00.000 who didn't know any one, friends brought by plus one 132 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:03.279 people who wandered in just because the house lights seemed 133 00:08:03.319 --> 00:08:06.720 warm from the street. Work for me was a different 134 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.920 kind of mania. Project management at a small but fast 135 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:13.160 text start up, all hands and red flags and late 136 00:08:13.240 --> 00:08:19.199 night slack messages. Andrew, unpredictable but reliable, handled freelance graphic gigs. 137 00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:22.720 He built logos and launched websites in our guest room studio, 138 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:26.079 alternately thriving on the freedom and cursing the feast or 139 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:29.759 famine income cycle. He loved that I had a real schedule, 140 00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:34.559 and I envied his flannel swayed Tuesday mornings. Finances had 141 00:08:34.559 --> 00:08:37.519 always been manageable, even when a few clients ghosted him 142 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:41.360 last fall. We adjusted skipping a trip, cooking more at home. 143 00:08:41.480 --> 00:08:44.879 Late night conversations about scraping by it wore him down. 144 00:08:45.360 --> 00:08:48.000 He Withdrew carved a space inside himself that I knew 145 00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:51.080 better than to push into. After a cold, silent winter, 146 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:54.320 running plucked him out, At first a lark, then suddenly 147 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:58.440 a full on obsession. Trail shoes, Strava, spreadsheets, weak ND 148 00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:02.799 training trips. As he started calling them, he seemed lighter. 149 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:07.240 I encouraged. It brought him obnoxiously neon Socks joked with 150 00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:10.519 Sabrina that soon I'd have to start running too, just 151 00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:14.039 to get time with my own husband. We'd never been 152 00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:17.480 the jealous types, at least not outwardly. My family scattered 153 00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:20.600 but loving, checked in by phone, his parents living just 154 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:23.639 south of the city, sometimes dropped by for drinks, always 155 00:09:23.720 --> 00:09:26.399 down for a story or a fuss over Andrew's latest 156 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:30.720 passion project. Friends, our tight little galaxy, knew everything or 157 00:09:30.759 --> 00:09:34.720 thought they did. Mark Andrew's childhood friend. Firm handshake and 158 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:39.200 easy loyalty. Sabrina and Olivia, my allies from early work life, 159 00:09:39.240 --> 00:09:44.080 now full blown confidants. We talked, I trusted. If anyone 160 00:09:44.120 --> 00:09:47.360 couldn't keep up with the social world, it was usually Andrew, 161 00:09:47.879 --> 00:09:53.159 smiling but quietly ducking out early pleading exhaustion. That's why 162 00:09:53.200 --> 00:09:57.000 these small cracks, the quirks of his recent routines, started 163 00:09:57.000 --> 00:10:01.000 to unsettle me. After the barbecue, he was ab somehow, 164 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:05.120 even when physically home. He spent hours sorting race playlists. 165 00:10:05.399 --> 00:10:07.480 I found him standing in the dining room with a 166 00:10:07.480 --> 00:10:12.080 glazed overlook, staring out at the overgrown hydranger. He claimed 167 00:10:12.080 --> 00:10:15.039 it was runner brain and made jokes about me catching 168 00:10:15.080 --> 00:10:18.720 the bug if I wasn't careful. I scrolled his training 169 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:22.159 calendar on the fridge and noticed a few scribbles dates 170 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:25.919 I didn't recognize, arrows pointing to weekend mornings with odd 171 00:10:25.919 --> 00:10:32.159 notations early start, Silverborough, followed by group clean up. One 172 00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:36.279 Tuesday night, folding laundry, I found a wrinkled restaurant receipt 173 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:39.440 tucked into the pocket of his windbreaker the kennel bar 174 00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:43.080 and brunch Edgeton sixty two dollars and thirty seven cents. 175 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:46.919 I blinked at the unfamiliar name. Edgeton was nearly three 176 00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:50.720 hours south. I double checked the date was last Saturday, 177 00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:53.799 the same day he'd said he was running downtown Loops, 178 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:58.360 coming home just after lunch. Flushed but not exhausted, I 179 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:01.039 placed the slip on his nights down and thinking maybe 180 00:11:01.039 --> 00:11:03.840 it would jog his memory that he'd mention grabbing a 181 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:07.480 pick up order with friends. The next morning, he seemed 182 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:11.440 distracted again, pouring too much cream into his coffee, barely 183 00:11:11.480 --> 00:11:16.440 acknowledging eye demade his toast. I asked, casual as I could, 184 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:20.720 how was your long run on Saturday? He stretched, rubbed 185 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:23.960 his jaw, then grinned, hot as hell. I think I 186 00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:27.480 lost track of time those last miles. I bonked completely. 187 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:31.519 He grabbed the receipt, crumpled it in one hand, and 188 00:11:31.559 --> 00:11:35.039 lobbed it into the recycling without reading it. Hey, your 189 00:11:35.080 --> 00:11:38.919 guark was the star the other night shift slide pivot 190 00:11:39.000 --> 00:11:43.039 to safety. I said nothing, tried to believe it was innocent, 191 00:11:43.480 --> 00:11:47.039 but inside me, something cold and patient began to stir. 192 00:11:48.200 --> 00:11:51.200 A few days later, Sabrina stopped by after work to 193 00:11:51.240 --> 00:11:54.919 trade horror stories about office drama and to vent while 194 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.440 the wine is cold. She tumbled into a patio chair 195 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:02.799 and swung her feet up, peering over her sunglasses. So 196 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:05.720 was Andrew out with his running colt again on Sunday. 197 00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:09.679 Swear he's gone full marathon monk. She paused to draw 198 00:12:09.720 --> 00:12:12.600 out the teas, then said, actually, I saw him at 199 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:16.559 Wolfhound Trail. He looked busy, chatting with a group. They 200 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:19.320 all nodded at me, but kind of scattered. Didn't think 201 00:12:19.320 --> 00:12:24.000 he was that organized. I frowned. He didn't mention seeing you. 202 00:12:24.519 --> 00:12:28.600 Usually he rags on your posture when you run. She cackled. 203 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.200 Maybe he was distracted. There was a tall blonde too, 204 00:12:32.720 --> 00:12:34.960 just a flash, but she looked like she was giving 205 00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:38.600 race instructions. Or something. You ever met his team mates, 206 00:12:38.919 --> 00:12:42.240 He always says, it's a gaggle of gear heads. I 207 00:12:42.240 --> 00:12:44.879 shook my head, doing a quick count of the names 208 00:12:44.919 --> 00:12:49.320 I'd heard, Ben Theo sometimes a gen, but I'd never 209 00:12:49.399 --> 00:12:52.480 met any one outside a handful of photos he'd texted 210 00:12:52.480 --> 00:12:56.679 from group finish lines. Later that night, I asked him 211 00:12:57.080 --> 00:13:00.360 you running with a group Sunday. He was sitting on 212 00:13:00.360 --> 00:13:04.679 the bed, laptop open in front of him, map tabs scattered. Yeah, 213 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:08.840 sometimes we finish on different trails. Wolfhound is so busy, 214 00:13:09.000 --> 00:13:12.480 people split up, Sabrina said, Hay, but I didn't get 215 00:13:12.519 --> 00:13:15.960 a chance to catch up. He barely glanced up from 216 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:20.960 the screen, eyes sliding over emails, fingers restless. He answered 217 00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:25.000 with the rhythm of someone reading, not talking. His sleep 218 00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:28.600 changed after that, gone with a gentle sighing. The reach 219 00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:32.039 for me. In the night, he thrashed sheets, twisted, woke 220 00:13:32.120 --> 00:13:35.159 before dawn to slip in and out of showers, sometimes 221 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:38.600 only running water for a couple minutes. There was an edge, 222 00:13:38.759 --> 00:13:43.039 a prickly self consciousness. I sometimes woke at three, hearing 223 00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:46.200 the click of his laptop in the office. On a 224 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:50.879 Saturday morning, he dressed for another long run stretching theatrically, 225 00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:54.080 pretending to take a fence. When I groaned at waking early, 226 00:13:55.120 --> 00:13:58.759 I'll join you, I offered, teasing, I can be competitive. 227 00:13:59.080 --> 00:14:02.840 Give me a chance to embarrass myself. He closed his 228 00:14:02.919 --> 00:14:06.440 bag with a crisp snap. Honestly, the hills are rough, 229 00:14:06.559 --> 00:14:09.120 and I get crazy, like don't want to risk our 230 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:11.840 marriage over me snapping at you for going too slow, 231 00:14:12.360 --> 00:14:15.879 he laughed, Next time we do a flat This weekend's 232 00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:20.639 all insanity. He slipped out before sunrise. The silence in 233 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:25.000 the house afterward, somehow louder for it. In the following weeks, 234 00:14:25.039 --> 00:14:29.320 these absences bloomed dinners out with friends. He cut them short, 235 00:14:29.559 --> 00:14:32.360 saying he needed an early night or had a call 236 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:37.679 with a client. Excuses became currency. He missed Mark's birthday dinner, 237 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:42.840 entirely left early from Olivia's housewarming. Money grew odd too, 238 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:47.200 for reasons I couldn't articulate. I checked our online statements. 239 00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:50.600 One night for our usual budgeting, he withdrawn three hundred 240 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:53.840 fifty dollars cash from an eight m in Oakmont, a 241 00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:58.600 neighborhood we never visit. Three days earlier. We rarely used cash, 242 00:14:58.679 --> 00:15:01.159 except for the flea market or a few food trucks. 243 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:04.399 I tapped out a message, did you use cash for something? 244 00:15:04.440 --> 00:15:08.759 Big donation? He shrugged when I showed him our statement. 245 00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:12.919 Some shops on the trail don't take cards, garage sales 246 00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:15.919 for gear and group stuff. We did a fundraiser for 247 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.360 trail clean up. The explanation made sense in a surface way, 248 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:23.480 but the number stuck in my brain. I wanted to 249 00:15:23.480 --> 00:15:26.919 believe what he said. Maybe I was becoming suspicious for 250 00:15:27.000 --> 00:15:30.600 no reason. I told myself in a self scolding way 251 00:15:30.960 --> 00:15:35.159 that digging for trouble turns up only trouble. Then Mark, 252 00:15:35.240 --> 00:15:39.039 who'd never been subtle, raised the tension months into these small, 253 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:43.000 festering doubts. After a quick dinner half way through the week, 254 00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:46.399 he cornered me by the fridge as Andrew cleaned up dishes. 255 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:50.360 So I was at Owl's cafe other day. Saw Andrew 256 00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:54.159 there with a woman, tall, kind of sporty, dark ponatill 257 00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:57.440 seemed cool. Must be one of his race buddies. Right, 258 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:00.960 he watched my face for too long. I kept my 259 00:16:01.080 --> 00:16:05.399 smile in place. Sure, probably another runner, maybe Jen from 260 00:16:05.440 --> 00:16:09.440 his club. On the drive home, I replayed Mark's words. 261 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:12.879 Why had Andrew mentioned that cafe, or any woman but Jen, 262 00:16:13.159 --> 00:16:15.799 who I'd seen only once and who looked nothing like 263 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:20.200 the woman Mark described. One night, unable to sleep past 264 00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:23.799 three a m. I scrolled through my phone calendar, matching 265 00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:27.320 Andrew's run dates with the marathon training plans I'd looked 266 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:31.240 up online. His notes didn't match. He'd registered for a 267 00:16:31.240 --> 00:16:34.240 fall event, the River Belt Marathon, but most of his 268 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:37.159 training weekends were long before or after any one would 269 00:16:37.159 --> 00:16:40.600 taper for such a run, and the Silverborough Run. The 270 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:43.720 location from the energy bar wrapper wasn't even on his 271 00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:48.120 supposed calendar. I confronted him about the cash the mismatch. 272 00:16:48.519 --> 00:16:51.360 He laughed, did a hand wavy gesture, said I was 273 00:16:51.440 --> 00:16:54.519 lucky I didn't get roped into planning the fundraiser. They're 274 00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:57.799 all a mess. He did a stilted dance, put on 275 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:03.480 a podcast, and boomed it through the kitchen, shutting down conversation. Lately, 276 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:06.279 if he wasn't irritated with me, he was gone from 277 00:17:06.279 --> 00:17:10.440 my mind, hyper focused on his phone, working late, pounding 278 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:14.240 out freelance edits. But I saw only blank tabs and 279 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:17.559 occasional half finished mock ups. When I passed his office, 280 00:17:18.480 --> 00:17:22.079 my worry grew became a private anxiety humming in the 281 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:26.000 background of meetings and during runs of my own. Andrew 282 00:17:26.039 --> 00:17:28.680 was physically in the house, but never really present, his 283 00:17:28.799 --> 00:17:32.279 dinners left half eaten, every empty space in the fridge 284 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:37.559 filled with new gels, powders, shiny neon training snacks. In 285 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:41.039 a fit of self doubt, one Thursday, I asked Sabrina 286 00:17:41.160 --> 00:17:44.839 if she'd heard Andrew talk about upcoming races or teammates 287 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:49.039 when he was with the friend group. She shook her head. Never, 288 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:52.480 he talks about trails, but not people. He mostly listens 289 00:17:52.519 --> 00:17:55.440 to us complain about our jobs or Mark's new hobby. 290 00:17:55.759 --> 00:17:59.039 Maybe he's shy, she frowned. Are you sure he's running 291 00:17:59.039 --> 00:18:01.880 as much as he says, he doesn't look tired. He 292 00:18:01.960 --> 00:18:05.160 barely eats. Honestly, I think he likes shopping for gear 293 00:18:05.279 --> 00:18:08.480 more than he likes to actually run. It was a 294 00:18:08.480 --> 00:18:11.039 pointed thing to say, but she didn't linger on it. 295 00:18:11.640 --> 00:18:14.680 That night, driving Andrew's car to pick up take out, 296 00:18:15.119 --> 00:18:17.440 mine had a head light out. I found a pair 297 00:18:17.480 --> 00:18:22.480 of women's sunglasses tucked beside the emergency brake, big, fashionably 298 00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:26.039 rose tinted, not the style either of us wore. He'd 299 00:18:26.039 --> 00:18:30.319 cleaned the car recently, so they stood out immediately when 300 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.279 I asked, trying to sound light, did you grab these 301 00:18:33.319 --> 00:18:36.599 from some one at the run. They're cute, but definitely 302 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:40.599 not your look. He didn't meet my eyes. Ah, probably 303 00:18:40.640 --> 00:18:44.279 someone from the trail ride. People swap seats every one 304 00:18:44.359 --> 00:18:47.680 throws their stuff in. Could be gens. I'll bring them 305 00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:52.000 to next week's meet up. A practiced lie or just tiredness. 306 00:18:52.319 --> 00:18:56.920 I couldn't tell. I told myself I needed proof, not paranoia. 307 00:18:57.119 --> 00:18:59.160 The next day, he left his phone on the kitchen 308 00:18:59.240 --> 00:19:02.480 counter while shehpuring. My hands shook as I thumbed the 309 00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:06.240 screen open. He never changed his code. I scrolled past 310 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:09.799 the group chats, mostly gear talk and memes, and slid 311 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:13.799 into his Instagram d MS direct messages with someone named 312 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:18.200 Sophie Evans, none of which I recognized. There was a 313 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:22.000 flurry lots of inside jokes, some about finish lines, a 314 00:19:22.039 --> 00:19:26.039 few complaining about city drivers. She de sent him photos 315 00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:28.880 of dogs, trails, a picture of a coffee cup with 316 00:19:28.960 --> 00:19:32.480 a message, you'll need this after the climb next weekend. 317 00:19:32.839 --> 00:19:36.559 My stomach twisted, but they weren't overtly romantic, not that 318 00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:39.599 I could see. I closed the app and put the 319 00:19:39.640 --> 00:19:43.720 phone back. When he came downstairs, towel around his waist. 320 00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:47.640 He was humming, either unaware any boundary had been crossed, 321 00:19:47.799 --> 00:19:51.920 or hiding something expertly. I spent the next days walking 322 00:19:51.960 --> 00:19:55.920 myself in circles. Was Sophie a new friend? Were Andrew's 323 00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:59.759 late nights and frequent silences proof of something ugly? Or 324 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:03.599 was I simply unraveling at the seams, inventing drama where 325 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.599 a healthier person would shrug it off. Andrew noticed the 326 00:20:07.680 --> 00:20:11.400 tension one evening, as I chopped peppers for dinner. He 327 00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:16.079 leaned against the island a little hesitantly. You've seemed tense. 328 00:20:16.359 --> 00:20:18.359 Want to come on a group run this week end? 329 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:21.799 His attempt at levity was flat. Most of the crew 330 00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:25.559 will be there, THEO ben jen. A couple new faces 331 00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:30.440 might be fun. I agreed against my better judgment, figuring 332 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:33.160 that meeting his running friends would be a step towards 333 00:20:33.160 --> 00:20:39.960 something closure, reassurance, confirmation, or at least understanding. We drove 334 00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:43.720 out early. The lot was buzzing. A dozen people, mostly 335 00:20:43.799 --> 00:20:47.519 guys near Andrew's age. Two women, one slim and gray haired, 336 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:50.319 one with a shock of pink hair under her cap. 337 00:20:50.599 --> 00:20:53.960 Neither matched the name Sophie Evans nor the cafe woman. 338 00:20:54.039 --> 00:20:59.119 Mark described laughing. They all stretched, talked, splits, ignored me pleasantly. 339 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:03.920 Andrew seemed relaxed. He stuck near Ben, joked with THEO, 340 00:21:04.200 --> 00:21:07.359 introduced me as a sprinter trapped in a marathon wife's body. 341 00:21:08.079 --> 00:21:10.799 I managed a smile, did not attempt the full course, 342 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:14.599 peeled off after two slow miles. At the end, clammy 343 00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:17.599 and unfit. I joined the group at the lot, and Andrew, 344 00:21:17.960 --> 00:21:21.599 already chatting with the others, introduced me lazily. There was 345 00:21:21.680 --> 00:21:24.920 no Sophie for the next few days. I felt the 346 00:21:24.960 --> 00:21:28.119 knot in my chest loosen. I apologized to Andrew for 347 00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:32.319 being suspicious, half joking, half ashamed. I think I panicked 348 00:21:32.359 --> 00:21:36.079 for no reason. Sorry for grilling you. He grinned, pulled 349 00:21:36.079 --> 00:21:38.440 me into a long hug, and suggested we go to 350 00:21:38.519 --> 00:21:42.000 our favorite sushi place for that week end. We were 351 00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:45.440 almost ourselves again. I wanted to believe that was the end. 352 00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:49.759 It should have been the end, but the universe, or 353 00:21:49.839 --> 00:21:54.039 Mark's restless curiosity, or maybe just plain fate wouldn't let 354 00:21:54.039 --> 00:21:57.400 it rest. A week later, as if to cauterize any 355 00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:01.079 healing wound, Mark forded a group photo from his friend Jake, 356 00:22:01.559 --> 00:22:03.839 a trail runner who'd gone with a bunch to a 357 00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:08.440 remote range outside the city. The photo, long and panoramic, 358 00:22:08.720 --> 00:22:12.200 showed the group in giddy post race disarray, muddy legs, 359 00:22:12.400 --> 00:22:17.079 thrown arms, cheap medals dangling, and Andrew standing close, almost 360 00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:20.759 shoulder to shoulder with a woman who looked surely definitely 361 00:22:21.160 --> 00:22:24.480 like Sophie Evans, based on a tagged Instagram name in 362 00:22:24.519 --> 00:22:28.000 the comments, I stared at the date. It was the 363 00:22:28.039 --> 00:22:31.200 same weekend Andrew claimed he was at a work project 364 00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:35.559 retreat for freelance designers, a story he'd spun with lots 365 00:22:35.559 --> 00:22:40.480 of laptop stress and fake sounding deadlines. The caption tagged 366 00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:45.000 Sophie directly. She looked comfortable next to Andrew, his hand 367 00:22:45.079 --> 00:22:48.119 hovering in that half familiar way I'd seen a dozen 368 00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:50.920 times when he didn't want to seem possessive but still 369 00:22:50.960 --> 00:22:54.519 wanted the intimacy to read. I read the comments twice, 370 00:22:54.880 --> 00:22:58.960 searching for some alternative meaning, but there was none. The 371 00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:01.640 next time Andrew ma mentioned getting out for a run, 372 00:23:01.759 --> 00:23:06.119 I froze. He was so cheerful, so obviously excited, that 373 00:23:06.200 --> 00:23:10.440 it made my insides feel raw. Now evidence was stacking 374 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:15.079 grains of it, falling relentlessly, a landslide of slights, each 375 00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:19.160 building toward what I still refused to fully confront. I knew, 376 00:23:19.279 --> 00:23:21.920 in the way someone knows a storm is rolling, in 377 00:23:22.279 --> 00:23:26.519 the way the sky smells acid sharp before thunder. I 378 00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:31.359 stopped asking about his runs, unless absolutely necessary, He stopped offering. 379 00:23:31.799 --> 00:23:34.759 We orbited each other, both actors in a play we 380 00:23:34.839 --> 00:23:38.400 had an auditioned for. It was after that, when the 381 00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:41.440 pieces began to strain under their own weight, that the 382 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:45.799 real unraveling began. The first night I couldn't sleep, I 383 00:23:45.839 --> 00:23:49.920 went downstairs alone, wound through kitchen shadows, and poured myself 384 00:23:49.960 --> 00:23:53.799 a glass of wine. Our refrigerator hummed the digital clock 385 00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:57.599 over the stove, blinking two twenty five A. M. Andrew's 386 00:23:57.640 --> 00:24:00.440 running shoes sat by the door, their tread street red 387 00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:03.240 from the last trail. I stared at them for a while, 388 00:24:03.480 --> 00:24:07.279 a stupid non answer. I hated how these tiny, accumulating 389 00:24:07.319 --> 00:24:11.279 suspicions had made me less of myself, warier, quieter, Reaching 390 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:15.319 for reassurance in silent rooms, I told myself it was 391 00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:18.839 just distance, that every couple had seasons, and maybe I 392 00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:22.319 was being petty threatened by a sport a circle I 393 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:26.079 wasn't part of, but under the surface, tension clung to 394 00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:30.799 my skin. By midweek, I settled into small surveillance rituals, 395 00:24:31.119 --> 00:24:33.880 noticing what Andrew put in his gym bag, clocking the 396 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:37.799 times he left and returned, unconsciously counting his laundry pile. 397 00:24:38.440 --> 00:24:42.160 Once I found a trail pass stamped Pinecrest Cliffs, three 398 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:45.200 counties away and nowhere close to any trails he plotted 399 00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:48.160 on our shared calendar. No text from him that day, 400 00:24:48.480 --> 00:24:51.160 nothing about it at dinner, only a tired kiss on 401 00:24:51.200 --> 00:24:53.880