WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:05.719 I have this scene burned into my brain, like a 2 00:00:05.719 --> 00:00:08.359 polloy that never finishes, developing of me sitting alone at 3 00:00:08.359 --> 00:00:10.960 Red Lanton Romen on a chilly Thursday night, pretending to 4 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:13.199 keep the other half of our tiny corner table warm. 5 00:00:13.720 --> 00:00:17.359 The waitress Lisa had already refilled my water twice. I'd 6 00:00:17.359 --> 00:00:19.679 stack up out at all menus together, neat and hopeful, 7 00:00:19.719 --> 00:00:22.320 the way Mark liked to do. When my phone buzzed, 8 00:00:22.399 --> 00:00:24.320 I fished it out so quickly I almost dropped it 9 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:27.600 in the soy sauce. Stuck at the office, Marked texted 10 00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:30.960 last minute client notes came in. I'm so sorry tomorrow. 11 00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:33.960 For a second, I stared at the plain gray message bubble, 12 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:37.280 rereading it twice. It wasn't an unusual excuse. Both of 13 00:00:37.359 --> 00:00:40.399 us were used plans evaporating when someone's boss decided seven 14 00:00:40.439 --> 00:00:42.640 p m was the perfect time for one more revision. 15 00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:45.240 But as I looked down, I also saw the faint 16 00:00:45.240 --> 00:00:46.960 little green dot next to your team outing in my 17 00:00:47.000 --> 00:00:50.079 group chats. Mark had been online at least long enough 18 00:00:50.079 --> 00:00:53.079 to reply to something just not me. I typed, no problem, 19 00:00:53.200 --> 00:00:55.079 just let me know when you'll be home. All low case. 20 00:00:55.159 --> 00:00:58.000 Despite my usual fossness about grammar, then quietly fact down 21 00:00:58.079 --> 00:01:00.759 least pay. She was half away to the register when 22 00:01:00.799 --> 00:01:03.039 she paused, lifted a whiskey sour from the bar and 23 00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:05.799 set it in front of me. From the gentleman over there, 24 00:01:05.840 --> 00:01:08.000 she said, nodding toward a guy in lovers with the 25 00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:11.319 laptop bag. He figured you were waiting on someone important, 26 00:01:11.519 --> 00:01:13.680 and it looked like you could use a drink. I 27 00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:16.680 stared at the glass, startled. The slice of orange on 28 00:01:16.680 --> 00:01:18.920 the room reminded me of last summer, a Friday night 29 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:20.959 when Mark and I argued about the best garnish for 30 00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:24.200 old fashions on the patio at Marrist and Tom's. I 31 00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:26.840 smiled politely at the stranger, shook my head, thanks but 32 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:29.280 no thanks, and waited another five minutes, as if Mark 33 00:01:29.359 --> 00:01:32.920 might still rush through the door, juggling his blueprints. He didn't. 34 00:01:33.640 --> 00:01:36.400 I left the Roman uneaten. As I stepped outside in 35 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:38.400 the coal, the city fading to half close neon. I 36 00:01:38.400 --> 00:01:40.599 felt this odd to a slow in my gut, not 37 00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:43.439 quite dread and not quite anger. The thing is, our 38 00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:46.560 marriage has always been lo qino, big swings, just steady ground. 39 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:51.000 We had routines inside, jokes, joined plans drawn up like blueprints. 40 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:54.879 Sometimes I'd wish for a little more drama, honestly, something 41 00:01:54.920 --> 00:01:57.719 memorable to brighten the beige. So why did marks Tex 42 00:01:57.799 --> 00:02:00.480 suddenly feel like an alarm going off? Why did a 43 00:02:00.519 --> 00:02:03.040 simple notification from a group chap make mind side's itch. 44 00:02:03.719 --> 00:02:06.040 The walk home was only fifty minutes, but it gave 45 00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:08.080 me the space to rehearse explanations before I got to 46 00:02:08.120 --> 00:02:11.039 her apartment. Mark had probably just needed to vent to 47 00:02:11.080 --> 00:02:14.240 his work crewde after hours, some team bonding and stressed drinks. 48 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:17.400 Half our friends did the same. We'd always trusted each other. 49 00:02:18.039 --> 00:02:20.759 Maybe I thought maybe I was the dramatic one. Now, 50 00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:23.639 I told myself I'd ask him about it, then decided 51 00:02:23.639 --> 00:02:26.520 I'd let it slide. I compromised by pouring the whiskey 52 00:02:26.599 --> 00:02:28.759 sow down the drain. When I got home, he was 53 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.479 already asleep or pretending to be. I didn't push, but 54 00:02:32.560 --> 00:02:35.639 I kept thinking about that untouched drink. The strange thing 55 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:37.759 about Marcus from the first day I met him eight 56 00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:40.439 years ago at some cringe alummy mixer downtown, his broadcast 57 00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:43.520 reliability like a homing signal. I remember he was the 58 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.400 only guider who wore actual dress shoes, not beat up sneakers. 59 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:50.400 He drank Seltzer with lyme and introduced himself as Mark Beck, Architect, 60 00:02:50.439 --> 00:02:53.879 sometimes dreamer, always triple checking. As the night went on, 61 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:56.039 half a group peeled off to war karaoke bas were 62 00:02:56.039 --> 00:02:58.159 after parties, but we wound up splitting a late night 63 00:02:58.199 --> 00:03:00.439 sandwich in an all night deli, debating the best scal 64 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:03.319 line in the country, agreeing that Chicago's was criminally underrated, 65 00:03:03.400 --> 00:03:06.000 and promising to keep in touch. I never had to 66 00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:09.599 chase Mark. He asked, with zero gainsmanship, to see me again. 67 00:03:09.639 --> 00:03:11.919 Three days later, we did a walk in tour of 68 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:14.479 the city his idea, and landed at popa part installation 69 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:17.919 that had as giggling like kids. It wasn't a whirlwind romance. 70 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:20.800 It was slow, intentional, and built out of all the 71 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.639 little things. Lazy Sunday mornings with pour over coffee in 72 00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:26.439 matching chipmunks, Saturday evening strolls that ended up at the 73 00:03:26.479 --> 00:03:29.080 same diner, annual hiking trips for our recept Even our 74 00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:31.919 group held together half friends from college, half work people 75 00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:34.919 who became chosen family. We were of the granded couple, 76 00:03:34.919 --> 00:03:37.120 at least among friends who cycle through dating apt and 77 00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:40.039 soap opera level drama. His studies were drew me in. 78 00:03:40.599 --> 00:03:43.479 I can't overstate that my own life was built out 79 00:03:43.479 --> 00:03:46.560 of flexible deadlines, half remote weeks, and creative chaos in 80 00:03:46.560 --> 00:03:49.319 a marketing agency. I loved that Mark was the one 81 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:52.280 drawing up color curded grocery liss folding our shared life 82 00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:56.719 into order. Honesty was his promise Once. Early on, I'd 83 00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:59.080 asked whether trust was a big thing for him. It's 84 00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:02.919 everything real, he replied, looking up from his soup. After 85 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:05.479 last time, I decided to no more secret ever again. 86 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:08.919 He'd been cheated on once before, nothing spectacularly scandalous, but 87 00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:11.599 enough to burn him and make him serious about transparency 88 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:16.120 me I leaned in for us. Safety didn't mean boredom. 89 00:04:16.519 --> 00:04:19.319 It meant we could handle stuff together. Even during my 90 00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:21.439 worst year, the layoff, the months of rejection emails, he 91 00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:24.199 showed up in every way I called under a blanket, 92 00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:27.160 certain I was unlovable and Mark would cook something complicated, 93 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:29.319 sit with me, suggest move as neither of us really 94 00:04:29.360 --> 00:04:32.279 wanted to watch. After I went back to work, I 95 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:35.079 tried to return the favor more medai check in spontaneous 96 00:04:35.079 --> 00:04:38.160 happy hour as the works. Maybe we just kept whenning 97 00:04:38.160 --> 00:04:42.240 the relationship lottery because drama happened elsewhere. Our friends TOMAMRSA 98 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:45.639 especially were constantly call us Switzerland. We were the couple 99 00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:48.560 everyone invented to I like that the sense of calm, 100 00:04:49.160 --> 00:04:51.879 So when Mark started shifting things even subtly, I cocked it. 101 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:55.160 The routine was sacred Saturday hikes Sunday mornings with the 102 00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:59.360 crossword and coffee, alternating game nights. Suddenly he was rescheduling 103 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:02.639 hikes's trails get mobbed on weekends. Naw, babe, midweek's better. 104 00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:04.839 I can get real thinking done, not just deal with 105 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:07.399 kraut and coffee. Became grab and go, him ducking out 106 00:05:07.439 --> 00:05:10.439 of declining invites. I'd assumed we'd both keep. I chalked 107 00:05:10.439 --> 00:05:13.120 it up to his latest work crunch. He just landed 108 00:05:13.120 --> 00:05:15.120 a couple of agy contracts a tech client with wild 109 00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:19.560 branding ideas and started wanting playful office layouts. Sometimes he 110 00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:23.120 overdd it colored pencils everywhere, scratch pads, even a miniature 111 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:26.079 model of the Spiral's light for a speculative proposal. I 112 00:05:26.199 --> 00:05:28.839 tried to ease things by picking up extra chores, bringing 113 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:31.160 him his favorite pastries, telling myself it was just a 114 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:34.199 busy patch, which hit one before and made it through. 115 00:05:34.839 --> 00:05:37.160 Still my mind collected the little shifts, like lint in 116 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:40.439 a pocket. One night, rummaging under the sink for of uncleaner, 117 00:05:40.480 --> 00:05:42.600 Mark's war was right there behind the soap, I found 118 00:05:42.600 --> 00:05:46.000 a brand new water bottles, sleek, black, stainless steel, pricey 119 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:48.639 but not his style. He was usually the use it 120 00:05:48.720 --> 00:05:51.160 till it leaks type. A pair of trail shoes, scruffy, 121 00:05:51.160 --> 00:05:53.399 but the wrong size had appeared in ash Iraq. I 122 00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:55.120 didn't say much. I was too proud to be the 123 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:57.680 sort of wife who police is her husband's gear. Maybe 124 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:01.240 he treated himself, I reasoned, maybe he needed something separate 125 00:06:01.240 --> 00:06:04.399 from our usual match he match, she routines. Later, we 126 00:06:04.399 --> 00:06:06.959 were supposed to of pete and movie night. When I 127 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:08.879 called to make sure he'd be back in time, something 128 00:06:08.879 --> 00:06:11.680 he encouraged to avoid last minute surprises. His phone rung 129 00:06:11.800 --> 00:06:15.279 five or six times before he answered. He sounded distracted. 130 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:18.639 Hey Han, sorry, I might be late. You know, me 131 00:06:18.759 --> 00:06:21.560 living life on the wild side with spreadsheets and technical drawings. 132 00:06:22.000 --> 00:06:25.000 He half laughed, then trailed off. There was a muffled 133 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:27.839 voice in the background. I couldn't place. I let it go. 134 00:06:28.519 --> 00:06:32.120 Everyone's entitled to a rough week or three. Still, rather 135 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:34.639 than feeling close, our even started to shrink to a 136 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.319 couple of sentences about dishes that needed washing and bills 137 00:06:37.319 --> 00:06:40.000 that needed pain. Fun bubble I lived and seemed to 138 00:06:40.079 --> 00:06:41.879 have popped, and it was just me treading water while 139 00:06:41.879 --> 00:06:45.079 Mark drifted further away. I told myself it was my fault. 140 00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:47.839 At first, work had slowed for me. I turned down 141 00:06:47.879 --> 00:06:50.279 a contract out of exhaustion, so I was home more, 142 00:06:50.639 --> 00:06:53.480 maybe hovering, maybe hoping for old routines he didn't have 143 00:06:53.600 --> 00:06:56.439 room for. I spent a whole week and stumbling around, 144 00:06:56.480 --> 00:06:59.959 half heartily reorganizing shells and convincing myself that everything was temporar. 145 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:03.399 That's when Sam, a friend from college who tended to overshare, 146 00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:06.519 dropt the first real splinter. It was after trivia night 147 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:08.639 at the downtown pub, a night i'd skip because Mark 148 00:07:08.759 --> 00:07:11.120 was stuck at the office. Sam and I ran into 149 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:14.000 each other near the subway entrance, where he cheerfully asked, Hey, 150 00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:16.120 were you guys at hop Lane last Thursday? To you? 151 00:07:16.199 --> 00:07:18.279 I think I saw Mark, or maybe as twin old 152 00:07:18.279 --> 00:07:22.560 branch group hanging out. My brain buzzed off Thursday. Maybe 153 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:26.800 that was office group thing I managed casual Sam Grinn. Yeah, 154 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:29.360 figured he had that massive work folder, but they looked 155 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:31.480 like they were having more fun than a meeting. He 156 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:34.319 gave me an awkward wink and change the subject. I 157 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:36.800 felt that lurch again. Not proof, not yet, but like 158 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:40.639 a shop pebble and my sneaker. Mak hadn't mentioned hop Lane. 159 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:43.560 He said he was working late with acline group. Quick 160 00:07:43.639 --> 00:07:45.639 check our shoeve credit card showed a tab for a 161 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:48.160 local Ebert downtown to our place, much later that night 162 00:07:48.199 --> 00:07:50.800 than I remembered him coming home. There was another small 163 00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:53.399 charge for a microbery across town, a place we'd never been. 164 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:57.519 Numbers and locations added up to stories that didn't Did 165 00:07:57.560 --> 00:07:59.279 you go out with your office group after work the 166 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:02.360 other night? I asked Macklader, trying not to sound like 167 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:05.040 I was giving him the third degree. He leaned against 168 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:08.000 the counter, phone in hand. Oh maybe it was that 169 00:08:08.079 --> 00:08:11.199 last Thursday, Jennet. As those after wearre hangouts. Sometimes I 170 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:13.000 think I lost track. These weeks have all felt like 171 00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:15.759 the same day. Sorry. His tone was breezy, but his 172 00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:19.000 eyes didn't quite meet mine. The explanation slid away from 173 00:08:19.000 --> 00:08:22.839 me oily and practiced. I wanted to believe it. Jenna 174 00:08:23.000 --> 00:08:25.360 name he'd started dropping lately, along with a couple of 175 00:08:25.399 --> 00:08:28.000 others I'd never met. She was at the office, clown, 176 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:32.159 apparently always organizing hikes and happy hours. He'd mention inside 177 00:08:32.200 --> 00:08:35.120 joke from their group chat, always with the exaggerated exasperation 178 00:08:35.200 --> 00:08:38.559 people used to show something's unimportant. But they were patcheans, 179 00:08:38.559 --> 00:08:41.399 and I'm not an idiot. His stories grew more general. 180 00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:44.440 Were brainstorming a new campaign already just needed another opinion. 181 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:47.679 You can't say no, that's career suicide, all delivered with 182 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:50.559 this theatrical effort to make it seam ordinary. I could 183 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:53.320 hear the edge creeping into my own voice. Would it 184 00:08:53.320 --> 00:08:55.080 be fun if I tagged along on the next hike 185 00:08:55.159 --> 00:08:58.120 I could use some sun? No, well, babe, I mean, 186 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:00.720 he'd be bored solid. It's basically me and the spreadsheet 187 00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:03.759 nerds arguing overtrail mix Mark's aid, and then it's really 188 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:06.240 just work. Then I promise we'll do our own one soon. 189 00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:09.360 He turned a little to start loading the dishwasher. I 190 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:11.720 spent more time than I care to admits, crawling through 191 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:15.480 Instagram and picking through Mark's accounts. He'd gone private ages ago, 192 00:09:15.559 --> 00:09:17.440 but he still liked a lot of posts, and his 193 00:09:17.519 --> 00:09:19.960 tag showed up in a handful of the Hiking Legends photos. 194 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:23.159 Jenna featured in every one, always next to him, always 195 00:09:23.159 --> 00:09:26.399 with someone king inside joke, team, no short cuts, office 196 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:29.799 Wildling's a dumbstuff. The photos showed four or five people, 197 00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:32.759 never more. Sometimes it was just Mark and Jenna, with 198 00:09:32.799 --> 00:09:35.600 others half cut off at the frame's edge. Late at night, 199 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:38.159 he started showering after coming home, which was in his habit. 200 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:40.759 He used to flop onto the couch or into bed, 201 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:44.399 complaining about deadlines or the unreliable office coffee. Now he'd 202 00:09:44.399 --> 00:09:47.080 disappear into the bathroom for thirty minutes, and I'd hear 203 00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:48.840 the framed hiss of the shower at the white noise 204 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:52.039 of privacy. I talked to Marissa, pretending to ask her 205 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:55.320 about new hiking trails, hoping she'd mentioned Mark's group. She 206 00:09:55.399 --> 00:09:58.080 avoided the question. I'm not getting in the middle of 207 00:09:58.080 --> 00:10:01.120 work drama, she said, her voice too quick. You know 208 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:04.720 how it is, Gossip spread crazy fast. She changed the subject, 209 00:10:04.759 --> 00:10:06.600 asked me about to show. Neither of us watched, and 210 00:10:06.679 --> 00:10:09.559 kept me at arm's length. It's done, Mercy and I 211 00:10:09.559 --> 00:10:12.519 have shared every awkward secret and victory in the last decade. 212 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:15.000 I guess there is a script for moments like these, 213 00:10:15.240 --> 00:10:18.399 and she chosen to follow it instead of confronting Mark upright, 214 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:21.519 I started writing notes on my phone, time stamps, explanations, 215 00:10:21.559 --> 00:10:25.000 Instagram photos, what I'd heard from friends. It wasn't that 216 00:10:25.039 --> 00:10:28.039 I expected to discover anything dramatic. I needed to see 217 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:29.720 a string of data that added up to something I 218 00:10:29.720 --> 00:10:33.320 could swallow hole, not just trip over piecemeal. Around that time, 219 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:36.399 Mark brought home flowers on a Wednesday. They weren't my 220 00:10:36.440 --> 00:10:38.840 favorite lilies, not peenies, but he was smiling like he 221 00:10:38.919 --> 00:10:42.440 used to the slightest bitchy bish surprised date night redo, 222 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:45.000 he announced, pulling me toward the couch and flashing me 223 00:10:45.080 --> 00:10:47.919 that boishe apologetic grin. I know I've been a ghost, 224 00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:49.879 it's just works nuts. I didn't want you to think 225 00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:52.559 I was checked out. He uncorked a bottle of wine 226 00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:55.120 ordered from my favorite tie place, and spun a story 227 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:57.960 about layoffs. The foams may be dancizing. No one knows 228 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:00.519 who's in the block, so everyone's doing these weird team 229 00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:03.559 bonding things. Jen is just loud, not even my friend. Honestly, 230 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:05.840 she just plans, the group hikes, I have to play along. 231 00:11:06.440 --> 00:11:09.720 Dinner was good. We laughed over old stories. He nudged 232 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:11.720 me under the table and called me by my worst nickname, 233 00:11:11.759 --> 00:11:14.440 melt Train from our first city tour. We even watched 234 00:11:14.440 --> 00:11:16.360 a movie and dozed off together, wrapped in a way 235 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:19.000 I hadn't felt in weeks. I'll admit I felt a 236 00:11:19.039 --> 00:11:22.240 little foolish, like I'd invented the worry. Maybe I'd only 237 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:25.000 needed him to try for one night. The next morning, 238 00:11:25.240 --> 00:11:27.200 running late, I borrowed his car and fished for a 239 00:11:27.279 --> 00:11:30.600 quarter under the passenger seat. My finger brushed something metal 240 00:11:30.639 --> 00:11:33.000 and smooth, A single gull toop, earing definitely not mine, 241 00:11:33.279 --> 00:11:35.879 not even close to my taste. I stared at it, 242 00:11:35.960 --> 00:11:38.480 bolse thumping. Our last guest in the car had been 243 00:11:38.519 --> 00:11:41.000 months ago. When I handed it to him, expecting a 244 00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:43.559 sheepish laugh, he immediately said, Jenna must have dropped it. 245 00:11:43.639 --> 00:11:45.519 She lost one on our last hike. She was searching 246 00:11:45.559 --> 00:11:47.240 all over. I kept meaning to toss it in the 247 00:11:47.279 --> 00:11:50.360 glove box for her. His voice was tense, not embarrassed. 248 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:53.360 He didn't even reach for the earring, just kept making breakfast, 249 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:56.120 telling me I was running late. I thought about tossing 250 00:11:56.159 --> 00:11:59.000 the earring in the trash, but I couldn't. I tucked 251 00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:01.440 it into the kitchen junk draw, next to broken pens 252 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:04.440 and expired coupons. I checked my own reflection in the 253 00:12:04.480 --> 00:12:07.480 cause window, seeing a woman trying and failing to look soerene. 254 00:12:08.039 --> 00:12:10.679 Over the next week, I began to unravel. I spent 255 00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:13.320 actual hour's precious time I used to fill with freelance projects, 256 00:12:13.360 --> 00:12:16.039 sitting at our kitchen table, sifting through mark stories, his 257 00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:19.480 work schedule, and social feats. I went back as far 258 00:12:19.519 --> 00:12:21.279 as I could in our share of calendar, tracing the 259 00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:23.919 timeline of when he'd started canceling week ends, bumping up 260 00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:27.440 wik hag meetings. When I compared his photos and group posts, 261 00:12:27.559 --> 00:12:31.399 I noticed the cast of characters was strangely inconsistent. Sometimes 262 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:34.240 there were four people, sometimes just too sometimes none at all, 263 00:12:34.360 --> 00:12:37.320 just fake captions about conquering peaks. The comments were all 264 00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:41.440 inside jokes from Jenna, rarely any one else. Their comments 265 00:12:41.480 --> 00:12:44.080 had the slightly punchy, floaty energy I would have recognized 266 00:12:44.120 --> 00:12:46.840 if it was directed at me. With each new detail, 267 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:49.720 I revised my theories. Maybe it was just a friendship 268 00:12:49.759 --> 00:12:52.480 he hadn't told me about. Maybe it was an innocent 269 00:12:52.519 --> 00:12:55.200 work crush, one of those passing office things people rarely 270 00:12:55.240 --> 00:12:58.120 talk about but never act on. Maybe I was projecting. 271 00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:01.440 I spent three hours reading read It threads about immercial affairs, 272 00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:04.200 and another hour polishing my own date in profile, just 273 00:13:04.240 --> 00:13:06.879 to see how it would feel. I called another friend 274 00:13:06.919 --> 00:13:10.000 of ours, Ben, who'd overlap with market as firm. Ben's 275 00:13:10.000 --> 00:13:13.440 sound had conflicted. Look, people have noticed Mark and Jenna 276 00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.720 hanging out a lot, he finally said, after hours. Mainly 277 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:19.600 it's become like a running joke. I don't think it's bet. 278 00:13:19.639 --> 00:13:22.320 Probably just sure in ideas. Jenna's super going, so everyone 279 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:24.159 likes her, just to don't read into her too hard. 280 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:28.360 It was meant to be reassuring. It wasn't. At home, 281 00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:31.600 Mark was everywhere and nowhere. He'd hover around the kitchen 282 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:34.440 but not linger. We'd sit together to watch Billions, and 283 00:13:34.480 --> 00:13:37.000 he'd pull out his phone, promising it was work emails, 284 00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:39.840 not really watching. When I reached across the couch for 285 00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:42.399 his hand, he'd leave his palm open, but limp. He 286 00:13:42.519 --> 00:13:45.120 kissed my forehead out of habit. Instead of feeling I 287 00:13:45.159 --> 00:13:47.120 worked late, not for the paycheck, but to avoid the 288 00:13:47.159 --> 00:13:50.039 brittle stillness of our apartment. I missed him even when 289 00:13:50.080 --> 00:13:52.840 he was there. I only realized after a few weeks 290 00:13:52.879 --> 00:13:55.159 that our regular friend group has stopped inviting us out 291 00:13:55.200 --> 00:13:57.159 as often, as if they already knew something I was 292 00:13:57.200 --> 00:14:00.240 only now suspecting. By now, I was measuring. I'm in 293 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:04.080 half conversations and private notes. The unonswered questions piled up. 294 00:14:04.639 --> 00:14:06.080 I was angry that it had come to this, A 295 00:14:06.120 --> 00:14:08.320 spreadsheet of my own marriage, trying to audits like a 296 00:14:08.360 --> 00:14:12.360 suspicious auditor. One night, a birch Jenna's name again. She 297 00:14:12.519 --> 00:14:16.039 seems nice from what you've said. What's her deal? Mark shrugged, 298 00:14:16.120 --> 00:14:19.559 not looking up from his laptop. She's just loud. It's good, though. 299 00:14:19.600 --> 00:14:22.240 We get things done fast. Honestly, I try to avoid 300 00:14:22.279 --> 00:14:25.399 her outside work. That was almost too casual, too flipped. 301 00:14:26.120 --> 00:14:28.960 If I hadn't already noticed the inside jokes, the comment threats, 302 00:14:29.039 --> 00:14:31.480 I might have accepted it, but the casual inness now 303 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:34.000 felt like a paint job over something rotten. Is she 304 00:14:34.159 --> 00:14:37.840 Are you too close? He pinched a bridge of his nose. No, 305 00:14:38.240 --> 00:14:40.960 I mean not really. It's more office hierarchy stuff, you 306 00:14:41.080 --> 00:14:43.320 know how, it has got to play along. I left 307 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:45.639 it at that for a minute, then I asked about 308 00:14:45.679 --> 00:14:49.840 rescheduling our own hike. He stared straight ahead. Soon. It's 309 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:52.759 just things are tense at work. I promise we'll go soon. 310 00:14:53.440 --> 00:14:55.759 Turning it about in my head, I almost confess I'd 311 00:14:55.799 --> 00:14:58.000 feel better if I could meet everyone, see it up close, 312 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:00.600 know the group. But I didn't want to see jealous 313 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:04.559 I told myself steady couples don't need to spy. That night, 314 00:15:04.679 --> 00:15:07.279 he came to bed late, child cold. When he woke 315 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:09.559 the next day, I was already up, making coffee the 316 00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:12.799 old fashioned way, desperate for something stable. I nearly asked 317 00:15:12.879 --> 00:15:14.240 up fright if he was cheating on me, but the 318 00:15:14.279 --> 00:15:17.799 word shriveled in my throat. Instead, I said, you're working 319 00:15:17.840 --> 00:15:20.240 so hard lately, don't burn out. He gave me a 320 00:15:20.320 --> 00:15:22.679 tide appreciative smile, but he didn't tell me he loved me. 321 00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:26.559 Things crystallized round the earring. Eventually I'd see it while 322 00:15:26.600 --> 00:15:29.879 looking for spare keys or advil. Some days I taught 323 00:15:29.919 --> 00:15:32.159 myself down. Of course, there was a simple explanation, and 324 00:15:32.240 --> 00:15:34.639 Mark had already given it to me. But at night, 325 00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:36.720 when I couldn't sleep, I'd scroll back through texts and 326 00:15:36.759 --> 00:15:38.879 wonder when I became the secret investigator in my own 327 00:15:38.879 --> 00:15:43.120 godda marriage. When I finally confronted Maris again, my patients fissured. 328 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:46.759 We were at a bakery downtown picking up qualsus. I 329 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:50.320 pressed her gently at first, then sharper, I know something's up. 330 00:15:50.480 --> 00:15:53.200 Everyone is acting weird. Mark's different. Just tell me what 331 00:15:53.320 --> 00:15:56.320 have you heard? She bit her lip, eyes darting. I 332 00:15:56.399 --> 00:15:58.759 didn't want to get involved out, but yeah, people talk 333 00:15:58.919 --> 00:16:01.440 Mark and Jenna. There's been talk after hours, not just 334 00:16:01.559 --> 00:16:03.639 hiking either. I didn't want to get mixed up if 335 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:06.279 it was nothing. I flinch, clipped my own voice down 336 00:16:06.320 --> 00:16:09.320 to a whisper. So I'm not crazy. Everyone else knows, 337 00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:12.159 and I'm what the last to figure it out. Mosa 338 00:16:12.200 --> 00:16:15.279 shook her head quickly. No, I just didn't want to meddle. 339 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:18.000 You know I love you both, right, it was just 340 00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:20.879 office gossip. I hoped it was just rumors. It was 341 00:16:20.919 --> 00:16:24.240 a relief and a humiliation all at once. For a second, 342 00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:27.440 I envied Mercer's script, distant, cautious, not the person forced 343 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:30.879 to carry the embarrassment. First and afterwards, I started checking 344 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.519 every angle I opened to find my friends up. We 345 00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:35.840 both installed years earlier, only using it when one of 346 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:37.519 us went late and wanted the other to know they 347 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:40.720 got home safe. My hands trembled as I reactivated it, 348 00:16:40.759 --> 00:16:43.080 half hoping it would just confirm some boring destination his 349 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:46.960 offers a client. Instead, it pinned a beautique hotel, one 350 00:16:47.000 --> 00:16:49.960 I recognized from our friend group's bachelorette stays across town. 351 00:16:50.600 --> 00:16:52.519 The time stamps back in the middle of his latest 352 00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:55.639 mountain planning day, I double checked the details his cart 353 00:16:55.720 --> 00:16:58.919 the same uber app Simultaneously. His texts to me were 354 00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:02.679 all about reviewing blueprint long meetings. Though work grind, I 355 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:05.319 was still pretending on some level that Mark would walk in, 356 00:17:05.440 --> 00:17:08.319 see my wreckage and set it right. For hours, I 357 00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:11.319 sat there cross referencing his stories, my notes, the calendar, 358 00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:14.759 watching the minutes took by. And then, one day, after 359 00:17:14.799 --> 00:17:17.720 I had exhausted my spreadsheet, all my righteous explanations gone, 360 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:19.640 the earrings still shining up at me from the kitchen 361 00:17:19.720 --> 00:17:21.759 junk drawer, I realized I'd run out of versions that 362 00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:24.279 let us keep the story the same. I looked around 363 00:17:24.319 --> 00:17:26.559 our apartment, the prince we picked together, the adly throw 364 00:17:26.640 --> 00:17:28.759 Mark refused to toss the hiking boots we'd peared up 365 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:30.839 by the door, and thought this isn't suspicion any more. 366 00:17:31.480 --> 00:17:33.440 This is a puzzle, and the only one willing to solve. 367 00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:35.759 But I still didn't know how to ask the one 368 00:17:35.839 --> 00:17:38.480 question I had left. I wasn't sure if I wanted 369 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:40.279 the answer yet, or if I just needed to brace 370 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:43.359 for the impact. The days that followed were filled with small, 371 00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:48.079 choking humiliations, friends pulling back, Mark whistling while he made 372 00:17:48.079 --> 00:17:50.519 dinner like nothing was wrong, cracking jokes in a tie 373 00:17:50.559 --> 00:17:53.160 of register that didn't quite fit. One night, as we 374 00:17:53.240 --> 00:17:55.119 sat silent in front of a stream and show neither 375 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:57.279 of us cared about, I watched his phone light up 376 00:17:57.319 --> 00:17:59.839 over and over group chats from teamothing, but also direct 377 00:17:59.880 --> 00:18:04.240 me messages Jaye unread three in a row. I asked again, Braver, now, 378 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:06.839 is there anything going on with you and Jenna? Anything 379 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:09.680 I should know? He looked up, startled, like I'd grabbed 380 00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:12.920 his arm on a busy street. What No, God, Ella, 381 00:18:13.079 --> 00:18:15.960 you've been acting really paranoid lately. Is everything okay with you? 382 00:18:16.599 --> 00:18:18.759 He tried to sound wounded, but I saw the calculation 383 00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:21.119 behind his eyes, the side step, the invitation to turn 384 00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:23.920 my own worries into the problem. I could feel myself 385 00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:26.680 altering for years, We've lived in a climate of trust, 386 00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:29.920 so thick, so obvious. I never even imagined a neat tactics. 387 00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:34.240 Now every conversation felt like walking on black eyes. Sleep 388 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:38.839 grew harder, eating too. Sometimes I'd opened the fridge staring 389 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:41.119 at another meal meant for two, and slam it closed. 390 00:18:41.720 --> 00:18:44.160 Then one night I found myself on the living room floor, 391 00:18:44.279 --> 00:18:47.200 wine glass by my side, laptop opened to Jenna's Instagram again, 392 00:18:47.400 --> 00:18:50.400 obsessing over her caption on Mark's photo. Who else can't 393 00:18:50.440 --> 00:18:53.039 keep up with the office welding hush teemously pash hicking 394 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:57.319 gulgent Mark's comments. We needed that runoff. Ha It made sense, 395 00:18:57.319 --> 00:19:00.000 says office banter, unless he knew how rarely Mark joked online. 396 00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:03.039 By now, the only covert I had was the orderliness 397 00:19:03.079 --> 00:19:07.039 of my notes, dates, times, explanations, cross indixed. It felt 398 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:10.759 almost objective, almost like math. Still, even the best evidence 399 00:19:10.839 --> 00:19:13.359 was only half the story, until Mark finally told it himself. 400 00:19:14.000 --> 00:19:16.119 I ran into Tom at traded Joe's, and he made 401 00:19:16.160 --> 00:19:18.359