Speaker 1: Welcome to Get Big Out Loud Radio, where we explore
Speaker 1: living the complex, funny and beautiful ride of life with
Speaker 1: me Carrie Knutson and Doctor Pat on Transformation Talk radio
Speaker 1: dot com.
Speaker 2: Are your thoughts keeping you small? Are you ready to
Speaker 2: get big?
Speaker 1: I will offer you ideas to transform what you are
Speaker 1: thinking into conscious action. Explore what is keeping you small
Speaker 1: and how to shift your behaviors.
Speaker 2: In order to get big. Learn what is possible for you.
Speaker 1: Get ready to get big and live life out loud.
Speaker 3: Starting now, Hey, everybody, what a show we have on
Speaker 3: Doctor Patt and I take this beautiful ride of life
Speaker 3: with the most incredible Carrie Knutsen today. Okay, this is
Speaker 3: a good one. This is a good one. I can't
Speaker 3: wait to hear what Carrie has to say about it.
Speaker 3: The stories we keep editing and editing and editing and editing.
Speaker 3: When are we going to publish? So today we're going
Speaker 3: to talk about these. You know, we are human beings.
Speaker 3: We're natural storytellers, we really are. I mean, whether you're
Speaker 3: watching a sports show or you're watching a drama, it
Speaker 3: doesn't matter. Or you're listening to something or you're reading something,
Speaker 3: or you're maybe talking to your children, or maybe having
Speaker 3: a conversation with your family. You know, it's the art
Speaker 3: of the story. For centuries, we've done this, we share experience.
Speaker 2: But what.
Speaker 3: Are the stories we tell us sales? What do we
Speaker 3: saying to ourselves? How are we saying it to ourselves?
Speaker 3: And in this episode to get big out Loud, We're
Speaker 3: going to explore the storytelling. We're going to explore what matters,
Speaker 3: what the identities of our stories are, what they tell us,
Speaker 3: what we tell ourselves, and how they actually shape the
Speaker 3: landscape of our lives. Carrie, thank you for taking this
Speaker 3: topic on.
Speaker 2: Know, I was really thinking about it, and you know,
Speaker 2: I always love to do podcasts related something that I'm
Speaker 2: currently really thinking about or using in my talks or
Speaker 2: grappling with. And I really thought this idea about the
Speaker 2: stories we only tell ourselves with the stories we keep editing,
Speaker 2: like you said, when we stop editing them, you know,
Speaker 2: and also why do we edit them? And so I
Speaker 2: was just thinking about this idea of our natural inclination
Speaker 2: to share our stuffs through stories. But then there are
Speaker 2: stories that get told like we tell them the greatest hits,
Speaker 2: and then there's stories that we never tell for all
Speaker 2: kinds of reasons. And then there's stories that we edit
Speaker 2: depending on the audience, you know, So I think it
Speaker 2: just wanted to like again, not in a good or
Speaker 2: bad way, necessarily, just as a curious way. How do
Speaker 2: the stories we tell shape our identity? How do the
Speaker 2: stories we not tell impact our identity? And then why
Speaker 2: do we edit stories for better or for worse? Right?
Speaker 2: Like why do we edit our stories? And so that's
Speaker 2: what I want to get into today, just and then
Speaker 2: through the lens of cure always curiosity, Like it's an interesting,
Speaker 2: I think thing to think about, especially if you're trying
Speaker 2: as a human being, which most of us I think
Speaker 2: are trying to like how do I know myself? How
Speaker 2: do I know my identity? Who I am? Also, when
Speaker 2: you want to change something about yourself, sometimes we're like,
Speaker 2: I'm not that person anymore, but like my friends and
Speaker 2: family see me this way, or I even see myself
Speaker 2: this way? Am I capable of change? So that's why
Speaker 2: explaining stories can also be really powerful. If you think
Speaker 2: about parts of your life where you want to change
Speaker 2: or shift or really get some insight, looking to your
Speaker 2: stories can be very powerful. So that's my whole offering today.
Speaker 3: I love it. I love it, so let's get at
Speaker 3: it too. Because I noticed something as I was preparing
Speaker 3: for this show where I think one of the questions
Speaker 3: that I think gets asked are the questions of what
Speaker 3: are the stories we tell over and over about ourselves?
Speaker 3: What do we repeat? How did they shape us? How
Speaker 3: true did they become after time? And let's start at
Speaker 3: the beginning where you want to start. What are some
Speaker 3: of the stories? What do we know about stories? What
Speaker 3: do we know about why we tell them, why we
Speaker 3: don't tell them, and why they're important?
Speaker 2: Sure, so, like you said to the first story, human
Speaker 2: things are storytelling machines. We're natural storytellers. Like we tell
Speaker 2: stories to pass down information, to connect our family stories,
Speaker 2: so like here's here's your family history. We share stories
Speaker 2: to make us laugh, we share stories to scare each other.
Speaker 2: Like we still all kinds of stories, right, and you
Speaker 2: think about books and movies, we're storytelling machines. It's how
Speaker 2: we process our world through story. And sometimes you can
Speaker 2: tell a story. Instead of explaining an emotion, you tell
Speaker 2: a story that shows the emotion. Like instead of saying,
Speaker 2: now we're going to talk about embarrassment, you tell a
Speaker 2: story about embarrassment and everyone then can relate to that
Speaker 2: rather than embarrassment, is the feeling of when other people
Speaker 2: see something they shouldn't see and that you're scared of
Speaker 2: them seeing, and then it's weird versus like I think,
Speaker 2: like a story I tell about embarrassing and is when
Speaker 2: I was giving a presentation and I was wearing tights
Speaker 2: and a dress and my tights started coming down on
Speaker 2: their own and how I and I tell that in
Speaker 2: one of my stories, in one of my presentations, I
Speaker 2: use it as an example of how do you get
Speaker 2: through an embarrassing moment and be resilient. But I don't
Speaker 2: say this is going to be a story about embarrassing
Speaker 2: my mirors. I just tell what I did, and you
Speaker 2: see people like, oh my god, her tights are coming down.
Speaker 2: Her version right. You see the response. So we tell
Speaker 2: stories because it connects people in ways that if we
Speaker 2: more direct sometimes we lose the ability to capture imagination
Speaker 2: or capture the experience. So we're natural storytelling machines. And
Speaker 2: what we tend to do too is most of us
Speaker 2: have what I again would say, the greatest hits version
Speaker 2: of ourselves. So if I said, hey, tell me about
Speaker 2: yourself automatically. Most people will go to a few stories
Speaker 2: or where'd you go up? Anyway? Tell certain stories when
Speaker 2: you're meeting someone new, certain stories and an interview, certain
Speaker 2: stories on a first date. Certain stories when you get
Speaker 2: together for family gatherings. And these are what I call
Speaker 2: like your greatest hits. You just know them, you know
Speaker 2: well the well their land, you know the parts that
Speaker 2: are funny, you know that people like them. They're time tested. Oh,
Speaker 2: everyone loves the story about the time that this happened, right,
Speaker 2: Everyone has those moments where we're gonna tell this story
Speaker 2: or when you I know, in our sort at our family,
Speaker 2: when we tell the story like the kids can finish
Speaker 2: this and then do you remember when this happened? Said yes,
Speaker 2: and then you said this, and then this, like they
Speaker 2: can finish because it's very scripted in a way, we
Speaker 2: know what part of the story comes next. And this
Speaker 2: it is our greatest hits version. And sometimes what I
Speaker 2: like to say too is sometimes we're giving the ted
Speaker 2: talk version of ourselves with our greatest stories. Like when
Speaker 2: you think of what stories will make me look a
Speaker 2: certain way, which stories are appropriate for this group of
Speaker 2: people or whatever, we kind of know our stories, And
Speaker 2: that's not a bad thing at all. I think it's
Speaker 2: just interesting to see if you looked at the stories
Speaker 2: you tell, and some of them are might still fit.
Speaker 2: You might because some of them though like like if
Speaker 2: you're always telling a story, we're so and so, well,
Speaker 2: you're always the good one, and you're always do this,
Speaker 2: and you always do that, and like we get into
Speaker 2: these roles, like if every story is about someone like
Speaker 2: who might be the the positive one or the habitat
Speaker 2: who always makes finds a way through?
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, and.
Speaker 2: Like well do I sometimes not? Am I sometimes not positive?
Speaker 2: But then you get into that role in the story,
Speaker 2: and then you can't be anything else but the good
Speaker 2: kid or the kid that always go through? Like do
Speaker 2: I maybe have other feelings or experiences?
Speaker 3: Do I?
Speaker 2: Maybe not? Sometimes? So like you know that feeling of
Speaker 2: like we get sometimes our stories put us into roles
Speaker 2: and and we might have outgrown those or we might
Speaker 2: be which is what I think is we're more complex
Speaker 2: than that. We're not just one thing. We're many things.
Speaker 2: And that's why it's interesting. The first section is any
Speaker 2: of the stories that are our greatest sets, the stories
Speaker 2: we tell? What are we telling about ourselves, you know
Speaker 2: in those stories.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love this conversation because it's fascinating when I
Speaker 3: think about this, and I think about how how I
Speaker 3: show up right in different places? And you know, how
Speaker 3: do I show up when I'm sitting on an airplane
Speaker 3: and somebody sees me doing something on my laptop or
Speaker 3: something and makes a comment, And then it turns into
Speaker 3: a conversation, who am I in that moment? Am I
Speaker 3: the polished story about who I am in that moment?
Speaker 3: Am I the funny story?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 3: Am I the story that's going to share how vulnerable
Speaker 3: I am that I have to spend six hours on
Speaker 3: a plane working on a spreadsheet, you know? Or do
Speaker 3: I want to tell a story that doesn't want another question?
Speaker 3: So my story is right to the point, and don't
Speaker 3: bother me because I'm working. But all of these have
Speaker 3: to do with the level of awareness, and sometimes, Carrie,
Speaker 3: and this is to your point, sometimes we're just not
Speaker 3: aware enough to know who we are in the moment
Speaker 3: of that given story versus who we want to be
Speaker 3: in the moment of that given story.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Yeah, totally. And that's again
Speaker 2: we kind of get an habitual patterns in our brain
Speaker 2: kind of likes to know what it knows, and so
Speaker 2: sometimes it's hard when we're trying to shift something, we
Speaker 2: just kind of go back to what we know and
Speaker 2: what we say and what we do. So, like you
Speaker 2: said in that airport situation, depending on what you want
Speaker 2: out of a conversation, you might you might keep things short,
Speaker 2: you might engage you one if someone on a plan
Speaker 2: says what do you do for a living? And you
Speaker 2: think I talked to someone recently who was he's essentially
Speaker 2: an assessor for taxes on property, He's like, I never
Speaker 2: like to with that because then everyone's like hates me
Speaker 2: and they and they never like want to get to
Speaker 2: tell me as a person, right, yeah, like whatever, it's nay,
Speaker 2: I'll call him Rick, all right, So like we're I'm
Speaker 2: a person, but the minute I say what I do,
Speaker 2: people have a story about me and taxes and money
Speaker 2: and property and how horrible it must be. So it's
Speaker 2: like I really have to say, like find other things
Speaker 2: to redirect people too, because depending on the situation, I
Speaker 2: don't the story of myself is something that with my
Speaker 2: job turns people away, right, And so that's an interesting thing.
Speaker 2: Like what do you want out of the conversation? How
Speaker 2: are you trying to connect with somebody or not? And
Speaker 2: then like our identities, sometimes we get so wrapped up
Speaker 2: in our work that we also think like the story
Speaker 2: of our work is our identity, like all I am
Speaker 2: is this, and then we again it's hard to like
Speaker 2: I think sometimes when people like let's say I'm talking
Speaker 2: to someone and I say I'm a therapist, they say
Speaker 2: I'm an accountant, and I'm like, okay, well, then now
Speaker 2: we have nothing to talk about, yeah, versus the story
Speaker 2: of like where are you from? What things interest you?
Speaker 2: How long have you been here? Like you know, what's
Speaker 2: your favorite thing that you've done in Denver or whatever?
Speaker 2: Like other ways we can connect with people that they
Speaker 2: can tell us a story about something else where we
Speaker 2: can make a connection. And I think usually with our
Speaker 2: greatest hits, we know enough about ourselves to like put
Speaker 2: up the greatest hits or to put up what we
Speaker 2: know in a networking situation versus I'm going to a
Speaker 2: party and I've never met these people. What stories are
Speaker 2: safe to tell? What stories will people like? What stories
Speaker 2: you know? And again, this isn't bad necessarily, it's just
Speaker 2: good to think of what stories do I tell time
Speaker 2: and again, and to me, what parts of those things
Speaker 2: are kind of ingrained in how I think about myself,
Speaker 2: And are any of those things more complex than how
Speaker 2: I'm presenting them, or can I see myself as like, oh,
Speaker 2: in this story, I'm always every story like, I'll say
Speaker 2: this for my family and my family, I'm the good
Speaker 2: kid and my sister's a bad kid. There it is,
Speaker 2: I'm the good one, she's a bad one. I did
Speaker 2: this good thing. She always got in trouble, right, And
Speaker 2: then that's it. It's so polarized and in fact that
Speaker 2: it's not always true, right, think about the family story.
Speaker 2: Then she gets to be the kid that always got
Speaker 2: in trouble, and I get to be the kid that
Speaker 2: always didn't, and that again boxes us in sometimes to
Speaker 2: be like, no, that's not the whole story. It's been
Speaker 2: in family stories, you usually tell them in a certain way.
Speaker 2: So again, it's just an opportunity to connect with your identity.
Speaker 2: And sometimes when I'll say, what's the greatest version, greatest
Speaker 2: hits version, and if you even wrote down a couple
Speaker 2: of like we always tell this at a family gathering,
Speaker 2: I'll tell this in a networking thing. I'll tell this
Speaker 2: a sense of like how you see yourself in the
Speaker 2: stories that are worth telling? And then it gives you
Speaker 2: an opportunity to say, what are their stories? Why am
Speaker 2: I not telling this story? Like? Is it on purpose?
Speaker 2: If I text her way? Have I forgotten about it?
Speaker 2: Is it because it doesn't present me in this way?
Speaker 2: But it's kind of a good exercise just to think,
Speaker 2: what are my greatest hits and the stories that I
Speaker 2: keep telling? What does it say about me in a
Speaker 2: curious way. We're not looking for judgment, We're looking for insight.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I have been on our little rant because I've
Speaker 3: been sharing this story about an amazing actor which I
Speaker 3: won't go into today, but I've been sharing her story
Speaker 3: on what she did to create a technology that fills
Speaker 3: in the missing gap of AI. And I'm talking about
Speaker 3: Miladjovovich or Djoviovic actor model incredible. And I share that story.
Speaker 3: So somebody said to me, because I've shared it a lot,
Speaker 3: and they said to me the other day, why do
Speaker 3: you keep telling that story? And I said, well, because
Speaker 3: once upon a time the Dhali Lamas said that women,
Speaker 3: especially women in the West, will become the leaders, will
Speaker 3: become the leaders in the world, and I share her
Speaker 3: story and what she created and then what she did
Speaker 3: with it to demonstrate what the dolly Loma was talking about.
Speaker 3: So the person said, I don't get it. I don't
Speaker 3: get it.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: So what she created AI memory? She's an actor and
Speaker 3: da da da da da, and she could do that.
Speaker 3: I said, no, that's not her story. She was rejected
Speaker 3: by every developer she asked to work with her, and
Speaker 3: she went to a friend and they developed memory for
Speaker 3: AI to fill the gap that AI has. Because I
Speaker 3: don't know about you, but my AI lost a two
Speaker 3: hundred page project. And so Mila comes in and so
Speaker 3: then the person said to me, but I still don't
Speaker 3: get it. Pat, why, I mean, what is the big deal?
Speaker 3: I said, well, you're missing the point. This is a woman.
Speaker 3: Why does she stand out as a leader. She didn't
Speaker 3: capitalize it. She didn't take it and make a trillion dollars,
Speaker 3: which she could have. They developed a superior memory for
Speaker 3: AI to fill a gap ninety seven to ninety eight
Speaker 3: percent performance, developed it and I asked the person, do
Speaker 3: you know what she did with that? And they're like,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, hello, I keep talking about her because
Speaker 3: she gave it away for free. She gave it away,
Speaker 3: she made this men Palace freeware Gethub, she gives the
Speaker 3: code away. So am I really talking about the technology
Speaker 3: or am I telling a story about the role model
Speaker 3: of future leadership?
Speaker 2: Sure? And like you're telling a story too about someone
Speaker 2: a woman, a woman in leadership, a woman who's generous,
Speaker 2: a woman who's smart, a woman who struggled, a woman
Speaker 2: who had to find another way, a woman who maybe
Speaker 2: didn't get recognized this a way and part of that too.
Speaker 2: It's like, how does that relate to your own story? Right?
Speaker 2: Because sometimes when we see these other stories, it either
Speaker 2: inspires us because we're like that just to me is
Speaker 2: amazing because something in me wishes I could do that,
Speaker 2: or I've had that experience, or it's something that like
Speaker 2: we aspire to be like that, those values that someone has,
Speaker 2: like the kind of and it's it's I do a
Speaker 2: similar thing when I talk about Shackleton. Ernest Shackleton is
Speaker 2: a big explorer in Antarctic, and love him, and I
Speaker 2: keep bringing him up a lot, and I'm like, he's
Speaker 2: like my leadership hero though, because he's someone like his
Speaker 2: story is aspirational, right, and so in his story of
Speaker 2: survival and getting all the men on his crew didn't
Speaker 2: die essentially in a two year journey where they could
Speaker 2: have died multiple times, right, and his leadership was attributed
Speaker 2: to getting them back home safely. And I tell that
Speaker 2: story too. But I'm like, to me, it's inspiring. I'm like, well,
Speaker 2: why do I care? Because I want to be an
Speaker 2: inspirational leader because I think resilience is important. Because I
Speaker 2: so those stories. I think this the story exemplifies that
Speaker 2: I get inspired. So those are good. That's good that
Speaker 2: you bring this up. Because sometimes there's internal stories that
Speaker 2: we tell ourselves, like a greatest sense, and sometimes there's
Speaker 2: external things in the world, stories that we connect to,
Speaker 2: stories that inspire us, stories that make us think, stories
Speaker 2: about people in places, you know, in parts of the
Speaker 2: world or in different times and in history. But then
Speaker 2: we still connect and like find inspiration. There's there's a
Speaker 2: beautiful quote in one of the Indigo Girls songs where
Speaker 2: they're talking about a telephone line through time where the
Speaker 2: reading of this biography is like a telephone like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, I've like, I feel this person who wrote
Speaker 2: a book a million years ago like that years ago.
Speaker 2: But it's affecting me now. So that whole thing is
Speaker 2: stories externally as well kind of shape us. And I
Speaker 2: think it's good to look at what inspires you about
Speaker 2: other people's stories. Like you said, why do you keep
Speaker 2: telling the story? Because I got to because I've inspired
Speaker 2: by it, right, either because something I aspire to or
Speaker 2: something I feel like I am and I connect with that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And you know, look at storytelling is somebody said
Speaker 3: to me, I want, I want your comment on this
Speaker 3: for a minute, Carrie. It's fascinating the comments people make
Speaker 3: about the stories we tell.
Speaker 2: Now.
Speaker 3: Clearly me me sharing this meme palace story over and
Speaker 3: over again to some people seem obsessive, but for me,
Speaker 3: I want to honor this woman, and I have the
Speaker 3: platform to do it. The other thing is how many
Speaker 3: people I listen to a couple of different people all
Speaker 3: the time, right, And I have this one person that
Speaker 3: does a daily kind of thing, right, it has thousands
Speaker 3: of episodes, right, and what he does and he tells
Speaker 3: the same story over and over again. And somebody said
Speaker 3: to me, I know why he does that. He doesn't.
Speaker 3: He hasn't really had a hard life, so he has
Speaker 3: to tell that one story over and over again, because
Speaker 3: that's the only story he has. And I said, wow,
Speaker 3: I said, that's what that's what you see? I said, yeah,
Speaker 3: how many times are we going to hear about this
Speaker 3: guy like winning the Compact Center? And I said, is
Speaker 3: that what you that's like what you got out of
Speaker 3: the story. And then I said something unusual, what part
Speaker 3: about that is really bothering you?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 3: I don't usually go I mean honestly, but I was like, Okay, yeah,
Speaker 3: I've heard that story as many times as you, but
Speaker 3: I've always heard it from a different perspective and it
Speaker 3: always reminds me of what's possible in the world. So
Speaker 3: here I am saying to this person, what is it
Speaker 3: about him repeating himself that bothers you? And that opened
Speaker 3: up a whole lot of a whole lot, And that's
Speaker 3: my point to you.
Speaker 2: Next.
Speaker 3: There are the stories we tell about ourselves and the
Speaker 3: stories we don't. But in this person's case, there was
Speaker 3: a story that wasn't being told by this person. You know,
Speaker 3: he wasn't going to tell the story because it was
Speaker 3: too vulnerable. So let's talk about the stories we tell
Speaker 3: them the stories we don't. They're equally important.
Speaker 2: Yes, And sometimes when you think about the stories we
Speaker 2: don't tell. We're doing it for safety. We're doing because
Speaker 2: it is vulnerable. It is it's not the right space,
Speaker 2: the right people also to protect us. And sometimes the
Speaker 2: stories we don't tell are involved because it's traumatic. And
Speaker 2: that's definitely a whole category of the stories we don't tell.
Speaker 2: There are also stories we don't tell and keep hidden
Speaker 2: because we're embarrassed by them. It's too vulnerable because then
Speaker 2: what will people think of me? We feel like, oh,
Speaker 2: I'm going to if I tell the story, will show
Speaker 2: that I changed my mind so I wasn't really committed
Speaker 2: to it or something like, it will show things about
Speaker 2: us where it doesn't maybe cast us in the best light.
Speaker 2: And we can't afford in our relationships to wonder will
Speaker 2: now people still think of me the same, So our
Speaker 2: brain does a calculation around is it worth it? Is
Speaker 2: it worth it? And there's a difference I think I
Speaker 2: got to say in our society between like forced vulnerability
Speaker 2: and actual vulnerability. And I see this a lot when
Speaker 2: people be like, it's okay, this is a safe space,
Speaker 2: just share your stuff, share your things, and like, no,
Speaker 2: I always say when people say that, because I want
Speaker 2: to say like I'll let you know if it's a
Speaker 2: safe space depending on our relationship. What I feel like,
Speaker 2: you can't force trust or force vulnerability. But sometimes I
Speaker 2: do feel that people are supposed to like share their deepest,
Speaker 2: darkest secret, and like when what venue? For what purpose?
Speaker 2: Like sometimes those things are sacred to us or hidden
Speaker 2: for a reason, And I think that's okay too, to think,
Speaker 2: Like the the idea of exploring it is like what
Speaker 2: are the things? Do are the things I'm keeping hidden
Speaker 2: influencing my identity? Just as much is this thing I
Speaker 2: the things I have to share it? All right?
Speaker 3: All right, let's get to this though. Let's get down
Speaker 3: to it. Because you are a speaker. You are like
Speaker 3: out there like almost every day, I think you're being
Speaker 3: hired to come speak. You have to decide what you're
Speaker 3: going to share, map it up with the audience, right,
Speaker 3: you know, you know, So let me let me just
Speaker 3: try to be clear about this because this is very
Speaker 3: very important because we're living in this is me my opinion,
Speaker 3: So this is a little hot button for me. I
Speaker 3: believe we're living in a world now, especially women, where
Speaker 3: we are being silenced and we don't even know it.
Speaker 3: Seven hundred and fifty thousand women lost their jobs last
Speaker 3: year out of nowhere, and most of them were women
Speaker 3: of color. And so there's this silence thing going on.
Speaker 3: We're afraid to talk, but we're also afraid to talk
Speaker 3: for a lot of reasons. But you're a keen speaker.
Speaker 3: You're going to get up there and you're going to
Speaker 3: talk about Maybe you're going to talk about your family.
Speaker 3: Maybe you're going to talk about your dad like you
Speaker 3: did here. Maybe you're going to talk about your life
Speaker 3: experience that you went through. Maybe you're going to talk
Speaker 3: about all of that, just like I do. But here's
Speaker 3: the big butt, Like it's a giant butt. Can you
Speaker 3: see the butt on the screen? Is it your butt
Speaker 3: or is it my butt? Here it is Some of
Speaker 3: us get to a moment where we make a conscious decision.
Speaker 3: And I know you know this because you do it
Speaker 3: every day. And we say on this day because this
Speaker 3: happened to me during COVID and it actually happened before COVID.
Speaker 3: When guidelines in alcoholics anonymous, And I know you are
Speaker 3: familiar with recovery, right, right, counselor right? Okay? Yeah, And
Speaker 3: you know that speaking in public about alcoholism or drug
Speaker 3: addiction if you are that person was a serious no.
Speaker 3: No kept everybody off the air except Marty Mann, who
Speaker 3: was my mentor. For those of you out there, go
Speaker 3: look up Marty Mann. Marty Mann was a woman and
Speaker 3: she got on television shows back in the day, and
Speaker 3: then we didn't talk about it. But the epidemic of
Speaker 3: addiction and alcoholism was so deep from me and part
Speaker 3: of my story which I didn't really share a lot,
Speaker 3: so I had to make a decision to come out
Speaker 3: and talk about that openly. A lot of backlash from it.
Speaker 3: So I want to ask you, should I have edited
Speaker 3: it more? How many versions of that story have I
Speaker 3: given sense that I keep editing? Am I editing? Am
Speaker 3: I editing to tell the truth? Am I editing to
Speaker 3: be authentic? Or am I editing because I'm afraid?
Speaker 2: Caring well that those are beautiful questions. And what I
Speaker 2: love about how you set it up is we edit
Speaker 2: for so many reasons on one side, and then the
Speaker 2: other side is who is the audience? Right? So the
Speaker 2: internal editing as am I still afraid? Can I be
Speaker 2: authentic in this space? Have I told the story so
Speaker 2: long the other way that I'm it's I don't even
Speaker 2: remember really the right way or have I kept it
Speaker 2: hidden version? I'm scared of what's going to come up.
Speaker 2: But and then again on the other side, the audience,
Speaker 2: like does that story need to be told to someone
Speaker 2: standing in the line at the supermarket, to an AA group,
Speaker 2: to a place where your conference is speaking, like where
Speaker 2: does the story show up? And to what I like
Speaker 2: to say? To what end? Because sometimes I feel people
Speaker 2: tell their story and the end is like do I
Speaker 2: just want to make you feel sorry for me? Do
Speaker 2: I want to make you sad? Do I want to
Speaker 2: inspire you? Do I want to connect with you? And
Speaker 2: then the question too, is this a safe space? And
Speaker 2: sometimes the answer is no. But you have to think
Speaker 2: what's the purpose of the engagement? And we're telling a story,
Speaker 2: there's usually a purpose to it, like people tell me
Speaker 2: all the time stories and therapy. It's like a one
Speaker 2: person audience. Here's the story, and it's a different environment
Speaker 2: than if you're at a dinner party or on a
Speaker 2: giving a keynote. So I think you have to sing
Speaker 2: on both sides of why we edit our stories and
Speaker 2: do some internal work and then also think who's the audience,
Speaker 2: because that's a real thing and again, it doesn't always
Speaker 2: have to be about trauma that we keep these things secret.
Speaker 2: It can be right because it just isn't I'm not
Speaker 2: comfortable enough telling the story yet, or the audience is
Speaker 2: not like I think sometimes what I'll see. I'll just
Speaker 2: also give this as an example. Sometimes I'll work with
Speaker 2: people who want to be better speakers and we'll go
Speaker 2: through there their speech and essentially one person I worked
Speaker 2: with said, Okay, I'm going to start with a joke
Speaker 2: and then I'm going to go into this stat and
Speaker 2: then I'm going to tell this story and then I'm
Speaker 2: going to do it. And I was like, well, what
Speaker 2: is okay? Like what does the joke have to do
Speaker 2: with the stat? Have the story? And the person's like, well,
Speaker 2: this is a heartwarming story, Like well, what does the
Speaker 2: heart warming star have to do with your topic? Or
Speaker 2: like what's the end? Who had the audience? But they're like,
Speaker 2: well I looked it up and said, like an ABC
Speaker 2: speech is like this, do this, do that. And I
Speaker 2: had to be like, okay, but what's the point of
Speaker 2: the stat what's the point of the joke, what's the
Speaker 2: point of the story, and who is your audience? And
Speaker 2: for your case, when you think about addiction, the audience
Speaker 2: part of it. You're your own audience, right, Am I
Speaker 2: ready to hear this story? Am I ready to tell it?
Speaker 2: What parts of it need telling? And then when you
Speaker 2: think about if you did something in an AA group,
Speaker 2: telling the raw story where people are going to get
Speaker 2: it and understand you and hold that space for you
Speaker 2: and not be judgmental, is one thing. Telling that story
Speaker 2: on this general stage. Say you're doing a talk as
Speaker 2: part of a conference.
Speaker 3: Very different.
Speaker 2: It's very different. And so that's why we edit to
Speaker 2: be like and maybe I tell a part of the
Speaker 2: story to show that. I'm like if you said, like,
Speaker 2: I'm going to tell part of the story of my
Speaker 2: recovery because it adds to the my topic, or it
Speaker 2: adds some humanness to the philosophy I'm giving you or
Speaker 2: telling you. But we have we have to gauge that.
Speaker 2: And that's why it's like an internal and an external.
Speaker 2: And you mentioned me being a speaker. I use stories
Speaker 2: all the time, all the time to share things. But
Speaker 2: I also make sure I share things that are not wounds.
Speaker 2: They are not open wounds, they are scars. They have
Speaker 2: been scarred over. I could see the scars still but
Speaker 2: I'm not. I'm not having a wound, And I think
Speaker 2: that's important to think about too, because I don't if
Speaker 2: I haven't processed it myself and I am able to
Speaker 2: talk about it, what am I actually doing to the audience?
Speaker 2: And so if I'm sharing that, am I trying? What
Speaker 2: are we trying to get from them? What am I
Speaker 2: trying to them feel? And as a speaker, you're trying
Speaker 2: like I'm in charge here, I'm taking you on a journey,
Speaker 2: but I'm not leaving it hanging. And I don't want
Speaker 2: you to worry about me as a speaker, And when
Speaker 2: I'm in a role as a speaker, I don't want
Speaker 2: you to worry about me, right, And so if it's
Speaker 2: something as a wound, I'm not going to talk about it.
Speaker 2: It's off the table for me. Right. But if I'm
Speaker 2: in my therapy session and I want to talk about
Speaker 2: something and the wounds of that might be a great
Speaker 2: place to get into it, right. Or if I'm with
Speaker 2: other speakers and we're talking about how to utilize stories,
Speaker 2: and I'll be like, well, what should this part of
Speaker 2: the story exemplifies My point was, here's the whole story,
Speaker 2: which part should I pull out right. So again, sometimes
Speaker 2: you have to tell the whole story to make a point.
Speaker 2: But it's it's good the stories we edit are this.
Speaker 2: It's kind of a murky but cool area because is
Speaker 2: internal and the external questions.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's just what I love about it, because
Speaker 3: storytelling is very, very powerful. And you know, here's the
Speaker 3: thing that came up as I was preparing for this today, Carrie.
Speaker 3: And the thing that came up for me is something
Speaker 3: I've said out loud and I can't remember exactly how
Speaker 3: I phrase it depends on my mood, right, And I
Speaker 3: think I said something like, okay, I think I think
Speaker 3: texting is going to get rid of our storytelling ability.
Speaker 3: I made that statement one day and somebody came back
Speaker 3: to me, like fifty people and said, did you know
Speaker 3: that you have to be a great storyteller to text? Well, okay, okay,
Speaker 3: now what do I have? I have a new level
Speaker 3: of awareness. So I asked myself, as Byron Katie would do,
Speaker 3: Is that true? Is what I said true? Because there's
Speaker 3: a news story now to tell, and it's the story
Speaker 3: of the world of technology that allows us to not
Speaker 3: only edit our stories, but we live in a world
Speaker 3: of technology that could take a story that we put in,
Speaker 3: especially using AI, and spit out something else that is
Speaker 3: nothing like our story, and yet we think it's the
Speaker 3: story we're going to own. And so we're living in
Speaker 3: this space where we're trying to keep up with ourselves.
Speaker 3: To my friend's point, to your point, the person that
Speaker 3: they were referencing was Joel Ostein. Now. I don't know
Speaker 3: how many people know Joel, but I will tell you
Speaker 3: he's a pastor, he's a minister, and he does tell
Speaker 3: this story a lot, but he tells it in different context.
Speaker 3: And that's what I wanted to ask you. What's the
Speaker 3: relationship between storytelling and context. Do you see what I'm saying?
Speaker 2: Yes? And I think that's so so important because in storytelling, again,
Speaker 2: performative storytelling, when you're like that, I'm telling a story
Speaker 2: because I'm a speaker and I'm trying to use he says,
Speaker 2: because he's a pastor and he's trying to make a point.
Speaker 2: But if still we're telling stories like if I'm in
Speaker 2: the grocery store talking to someone, or say this, I've
Speaker 2: talked to someone recently who's about to have their first baby,
Speaker 2: and it's a friend of a friend, and just like
Speaker 2: what stories would it be good to tell a person
Speaker 2: who hasn't had a kid yet? And what stories You're like,
Speaker 2: I don't want to tell you this because you don't
Speaker 2: need to, right, I don't want to scare you, right Like,
Speaker 2: so like those stories in context of like new mom,
Speaker 2: hopeful and all that, you're gonna dredge up every worse
Speaker 2: story ever, right and help resurvive versus like here's what
Speaker 2: you know, here's some tip series wadies, or here's some
Speaker 2: great experience like a know your audience. But the performative
Speaker 2: part about that? Even in my show, I do a
Speaker 2: one woman's storytelling show. It's a performance around stories and
Speaker 2: the stories are all true and all real. But when
Speaker 2: you edit a story, you think about, oh, I might
Speaker 2: have to compress the story, and like because you like
Speaker 2: when you think about, don tell all the parts of
Speaker 2: the story. You could tell a story about something that
Speaker 2: happened over five years in three minutes, right, Like, so
Speaker 2: you have to compress. You also have to think of
Speaker 2: the arc of like the emotion, and I think you
Speaker 2: also what's the point of the story. What's the point?
Speaker 2: And what information do you keep in and what do
Speaker 2: you lay out to help drive the point, and sometimes
Speaker 2: you say the point is pure entertainment because it's just funny.
Speaker 2: So now just say the point is to like share
Speaker 2: an emotion that instead of saying, like I said, I
Speaker 2: felt embarrassed the story when my tides felt done in
Speaker 2: front of three hundred people, right like, that's a batter
Speaker 2: story and how I got through it. But all those
Speaker 2: things are like how we choose to edit to me,
Speaker 2: isn't isn't necessarily problematic unless we are editing so much
Speaker 2: that we're like, what's the actual true story? Right like,
Speaker 2: I'm editing it for this audience? What's the whole story?
Speaker 2: Can I look in the parts? Do I know the
Speaker 2: parts that I'm not telling? Do I recognize that I'm
Speaker 2: more complex than this is? I can see this example
Speaker 2: is what it's for. But then do I remember and
Speaker 2: understand as the storyteller, as the keeper of the stories,
Speaker 2: the whole thing, And I'm not just bringing up the
Speaker 2: best parts of myself always to show other people and myself?
Speaker 2: Can I be okay with my complexity? And can I
Speaker 2: be okay with my dualistic things? Sometimes I'm I'm an
Speaker 2: awesome inspiring person. Sometimes I'm angry and bitter, and sometimes
Speaker 2: I'm hopeful and sometimes I'm just dejected, and sometimes I'm happy, joyful,
Speaker 2: and sometime is sad and angry all in the same person.
Speaker 2: And so that's the thing with editing our stories. When
Speaker 2: you think about performing a story, it's one thing when
Speaker 2: you think about who's your audience. And I would say
Speaker 2: performing you are performing stories all the time, all the time,
Speaker 2: when you're interview for your job, you're performing right when
Speaker 2: you're meeting someone for the first time, when you're at
Speaker 2: a dinner, for all the things. But the editing part
Speaker 2: that we really want to think psychologically about is can
Speaker 2: I still hold the space for the whole version of myself?
Speaker 2: And am I still worthy of love even if I'm
Speaker 2: not all ways great or positive or hopeful or whatever.
Speaker 2: Am I still of human being? Right? And can I
Speaker 2: hold the whole story in here? And I think that's
Speaker 2: important because sometimes we edit so far we're like, I
Speaker 2: don't even know if it's true anymore, I don't even
Speaker 2: know what part of the stories I'm leaving out anymore,
Speaker 2: or I'm only shaping it to have this viewpoint of it,
Speaker 2: and I'm forgetting this. That's when it gets dangerous because
Speaker 2: you lose your identity in the process of editing. And
Speaker 2: sometimes we've edited and edited and I'm.
Speaker 3: Like, what's the actual story exactly? But you know, part
Speaker 3: of this is storytelling is a great way to prove
Speaker 3: either a method, an approach, a lesson, a learning right.
Speaker 3: You know, there are stories we use about ourselves. But
Speaker 3: I will tell you that when I talk about my
Speaker 3: homeless story, and if I share it in a show,
Speaker 3: I don't I give you the cliff notes, right, I don't.
Speaker 3: I don't take people through that agonizing journey of what
Speaker 3: it was like to come home one day and find
Speaker 3: all of my things on my front lawn, my parents throughout,
Speaker 3: because for me, that's going to miss the point of
Speaker 3: what I'm about to share, because my homeless journey taught
Speaker 3: me lessons that have gotten me to where I am today.
Speaker 3: But I could spend an hour talking about what the
Speaker 3: feeling was like about all of my things starting on
Speaker 3: the lawn and my brother who I raised, hanging onto
Speaker 3: a tree with his little hamster, asking me if I'm
Speaker 3: ever going to come back. I mean that in itself.
Speaker 3: I mean that just brings tears to my eyes to
Speaker 3: think about if I were telling that story of loss
Speaker 3: and repair, that would be the part of the story.
Speaker 3: But most of the time, I'm telling the story of
Speaker 3: how to find opportunity in the worst place you've ever been.
Speaker 3: You know how dumpster diving gave me the job of
Speaker 3: my life selling hot dogs. So we don't always have
Speaker 3: to share every detail, doesn't it depend on what our
Speaker 3: goal is?
Speaker 2: Yes, And it also is good because we don't want
Speaker 2: performative vulnerability. Sharing a whole story is a lot for you, right,
Speaker 2: And it brings up things in spaces that you're like,
Speaker 2: I don't know if I want to share that part
Speaker 2: of the story or that sounds not in service of
Speaker 2: what I'm doing in the relationship, right, Like we can
Speaker 2: think about that, And I do think the performative vulnerability,
Speaker 2: please is like share it all, and like I do think,
Speaker 2: like when you even said so, well, I here's the
Speaker 2: whole story. Here's the part that I share, and here's why,
Speaker 2: or here's the part that comes up for me, and
Speaker 2: and this is still hard when I think about this
Speaker 2: other part, right, it still like gets me every time.
Speaker 2: That's great that it's still good to every time because
Speaker 2: it's heart it's heartbreaking, and we don't want to miss
Speaker 2: the heartbreak with also the resilience. But like you said,
Speaker 2: on this speech, we're doingthing like what's the point of
Speaker 2: the story. And sometimes when I work with people on speeches,
Speaker 2: I'll always be like, what's the point of the story?
Speaker 2: They got the story? What is the just repeated again
Speaker 2: and again, what's the point of the story. And then
Speaker 2: someone be like, also, how many details do we need?
Speaker 2: Do we need to know that your shoes were blue
Speaker 2: and that the balloon new Head was yellow? Is that
Speaker 2: an important thing? Or is it okay that you were
Speaker 2: wearing shoes and there was a balloon there? Like, but
Speaker 2: maybe it is. Maybe the color is important. I don't know.
Speaker 2: But sometimes people include so much detail you lose it.
Speaker 2: And crafting a story is a skill. It's a skill
Speaker 2: to be able to say what do I keep in?
Speaker 2: What do I put out? What is the point of
Speaker 2: the story? And again, who's my audience? Here's what I
Speaker 2: see other people do this. They'll be like, contact me
Speaker 2: for help with being a better speaker. In the bock,
Speaker 2: I'm working on my kinno, I'm working a mykeina and
Speaker 2: you help me make it? And I said, okay, well,
Speaker 2: who's it for? How long is it, who's in the audience,
Speaker 2: what's the that's the conference about? What is the objective?
Speaker 2: And they're like, I don't know. I'm just making my kino.
Speaker 2: I'm like, for nobody, for you're just making keino. And
Speaker 2: I think it's fine to put ideas down what you
Speaker 2: would talk about, but until you know the audience and
Speaker 2: the time you have available. And this is a big thing.
Speaker 2: My storytelling show is not five days long, and it's
Speaker 2: not five hours long. It's an hour and a half.
Speaker 2: So I have so much time tell my stories, right,
Speaker 2: And then you think and also when you're networking or so,
Speaker 2: you don't have so much time to tell story, so
Speaker 2: you have to be thoughtful about how and when and
Speaker 2: what you share. And I feel like the editing part,
Speaker 2: like again, that's the external facing. I want to talk
Speaker 2: a little bit about the internal editing too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, let's do that because that's very important because isn't
Speaker 3: the internal editing doesn't it hit you know, the scale
Speaker 3: of emotions and so forth and so on? You know,
Speaker 3: And I want to know what you think about this
Speaker 3: and say about it, because what I have found with
Speaker 3: internal editing, my emotions drive my decision, not a solid
Speaker 3: reliable mind.
Speaker 2: Well, that's why it's hard, because when we're internally editing,
Speaker 2: it's emotion driven usually and the reason they're choose things
Speaker 2: to share or not. Some things are really emotional and
Speaker 2: again it's more of a wound than a scar, or
Speaker 2: it's embarrassing or what will people think? And then we
Speaker 2: get into our heads about you know, can I share
Speaker 2: this or not? Sometimes to our detriment though, because sometimes
Speaker 2: we make a decisions. I can't share this, and if
Speaker 2: we did, it might bring us closer to people who
Speaker 2: love us, or make us more multi dimensional, or it
Speaker 2: might help us. Remember I am very complex, and I
Speaker 2: can hold all these things about myself. We forget No,
Speaker 2: I can only be good or happy or whatever you
Speaker 2: think you have to be. So the internal editing part,
Speaker 2: I just want to give an example of when it
Speaker 2: gives you insight to be like why haven't Why have
Speaker 2: I internally edited this to what end? And like maybe
Speaker 2: have I outgrown that need? Or is it safe now?
Speaker 2: And like for me, if you said tell me, I
Speaker 2: always say, this is going to be the title of
Speaker 2: my book. My mom was a nun, my dad was gay,
Speaker 2: my sister was adopted from Vietnam, and I married a
Speaker 2: one armed man. Like, there's everything you need to know
Speaker 2: about me. All those things are true, right, So.
Speaker 3: I mean to laugh at you. I think that is
Speaker 3: a perfect example of rare, vulnerable and powerful altogether.
Speaker 2: And that to me is that that's the summary statement.
Speaker 2: And then we could go a whole bunch of different
Speaker 2: directions with that. Right. And it was your dad really gay? Yest?
Speaker 2: Did he really marry an x nine? Yes? Was your
Speaker 2: sister adopted from Vietnam? Uh? Huh? And did you marry
Speaker 2: one or man? Yep? Pick any topic right? And then
Speaker 2: I've always taken myself out of the narrative because see
Speaker 2: all these other people were talking about, But like, where
Speaker 2: am I in that? And I think that I centered
Speaker 2: by saying that I always centered around other people, but
Speaker 2: I've never had my experience in that in those relationships. Similarly,
Speaker 2: I would have said if you said, well, how was
Speaker 2: it growing up, They're like, oh, it's fine. My dad
Speaker 2: came out when I was eight, and then he went
Speaker 2: to go live in a different part of the town.
Speaker 2: He went to go to Denver. We stayed in Broomfield.
Speaker 2: And then I was really proud of him because he
Speaker 2: found his identity and then I grew up and it
Speaker 2: was fine, and I really would like, you know, just thinking,
Speaker 2: and then I was fine, and then it I know,
Speaker 2: and that is true. That is part of the story, right,
Speaker 2: I did grow up and I'm fine. But this is
Speaker 2: the internal editing part that I didn't and I did realize.
Speaker 2: Not why I did it. I did it for protection
Speaker 2: because as a child when I was eight, I didn't
Speaker 2: understand how to process the divorce. My dad had to
Speaker 2: go deal with his coming out situation and wait, my
Speaker 2: mom had to freak out and be like, oh my god,
Speaker 2: what's having My sister went her own direction. We all
Speaker 2: went our own ways. And then also they said, by
Speaker 2: the way, you have to keep it a secret because
Speaker 2: Dad could lose his job.
Speaker 3: Or worse exactly where he's an eight year.
Speaker 2: Old keep a really big secret for an adult, Like
Speaker 2: that's okay, right, But I never questioned it because you
Speaker 2: just live it and something you're like, okay, I'll just
Speaker 2: keep this big secret. It won't have any impact on me.
Speaker 2: They had a huge impact on me, But I was
Speaker 2: just adapting. And sometimes we tell our stories, we adapt
Speaker 2: to the moment because I don't have the capacity as
Speaker 2: an eight year old to process that. So then I
Speaker 2: just grow up and I keep that same idea that
Speaker 2: I'm okay. And then now as a fifty four year old,
Speaker 2: what I've been reflecting on it more since my mom passed, actually,
Speaker 2: because I think some of the secrets of families when
Speaker 2: people pass or when things change, you start to be
Speaker 2: able to talk about things. And I'm like, what if
Speaker 2: I wasn't okay? What if that was a really big deal?
Speaker 2: What if it was horrible that no one checked it
Speaker 2: out a child? What if it was weird to think like, well,
Speaker 2: I was going to keep a secret. So now more
Speaker 2: of that story is coming up for me to be like, huh,
Speaker 2: and I have I told my family stories so many
Speaker 2: times like yep, and I was fine and there's no
Speaker 2: room for me, Like, oh well, I was not actually
Speaker 2: fine and that was a lot to manage, and I
Speaker 2: know ever talked about it, And I also became kind
Speaker 2: of secretive and never suctressed my feelings because I didn't
Speaker 2: think there was a space for me in the story, right,
Speaker 2: And like, it's just really amazing how we can see
Speaker 2: a story and then a truth, and then there's a
Speaker 2: true or true truer truth and another perspective and more meaning.
Speaker 2: And now it's safer for me to tell that story.
Speaker 2: Somehow I took from eight to fifty four, but now
Speaker 2: I can finally start telling the story.
Speaker 3: Well exactly that happens to all of us.
Speaker 2: We have things that will be like we can go
Speaker 2: back to spaces. Sometimes it becomes safe for some reason,
Speaker 2: or we want to, or we realize we're only telling
Speaker 2: such a limited version that it's not serving us.
Speaker 3: And this is part of what we do. And what
Speaker 3: I love about this conversation is really getting at the
Speaker 3: underpinnings of why we do it. And you know what,
Speaker 3: it's also important to say there's no right or wrong,
Speaker 3: and I think that's the trap we fall into sometimes.
Speaker 3: Well maybe I should have shared earlier about my mom
Speaker 3: being an addict alcoholic. Well, really, you can't go back
Speaker 3: and change it, So why are you thinking about that?
Speaker 3: And you know, there's this process about storytelling and sharing
Speaker 3: that we have to grow into, and I think that's
Speaker 3: what you're talking about the work you do with other people.
Speaker 3: There's this growth spurt period where I want to be
Speaker 3: a keynote speaker, and you really get all eager about
Speaker 3: it until you learn that keynote. Speaking has a formula.
Speaker 3: There are things that you share to match what your
Speaker 3: client wants you to talk about, So then you have
Speaker 3: to edit your story again.
Speaker 2: Yes, but that's what you're being in service of the
Speaker 2: person who hired you for the conference, for the outcome
Speaker 2: that they want. What's the theme of their conference? Why
Speaker 2: do they hire you? What's your topic? How's it impacted?
Speaker 2: Are you the opener, are you the lunch or the closer?
Speaker 2: What are you leaving people with? Right? And then you
Speaker 2: But that to me is part of an a good
Speaker 2: speaker is like, I'm in service of the audience and
Speaker 2: the person who hired me. What do they want out
Speaker 2: of this experience? How can I use my speaking to
Speaker 2: give them that experience? But I always say I always
Speaker 2: ask people what is the outcome you want from this presentation? Yeah?
Speaker 2: What is the outcome? Is it to feel energized motivated?
Speaker 2: Is it to be reflectfble? Is it give people time
Speaker 2: to connect? What's the outcome? Is it to send people
Speaker 2: out of there ready to go to the conference? Is
Speaker 2: it to wrap things up in a way that feels like, yeah,
Speaker 2: we came together Like but you, as a speaker at
Speaker 2: it all the time. Like, and I have to laugh
Speaker 2: because my husband will see me working on my talks
Speaker 2: and let's say I talk about emotional intelligence, like like,
Speaker 2: that's seventy percent of what I probably talk about. And
Speaker 2: he will see me working in a presentation and I like,
Speaker 2: you just gave this talk, like why is the work?
Speaker 2: And I'm like, and I hugged books out like computer,
Speaker 2: I have written notes I'll have like nothing, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: because I learned something different than I sure, or this
Speaker 2: would be so good for this audience, or like I
Speaker 2: feel like I'm trying incorporate this. My timing needs to
Speaker 2: be better for this or this one is forty five
Speaker 2: minutes and this was an hour and fifteen, right, So
Speaker 2: like you, but I'm constantly and I think he's a
Speaker 2: little bit exasperated because it's like you are just take
Speaker 2: it off the shelf and like, Nope, no, it will
Speaker 2: work because I think what you said is so true.
Speaker 2: We know your audience know that, and again we're talking
Speaker 2: about from the example of being a speaker, but I
Speaker 2: think also knowing your audience in your life, what friends
Speaker 2: can you really share things with and you feel connected with?
Speaker 2: But I also would say, what stories could you tell
Speaker 2: your friends that might help them all for connect feel
Speaker 2: more connected to you, Like can you share yourself with
Speaker 2: certain people in different ways? Also, in the world at large,
Speaker 2: sometimes we're so busy playing the greatest hits we don't
Speaker 2: say what other things can I bring up that might
Speaker 2: help me connect with this person or see the world
Speaker 2: in a different way, or expand something about me? What's
Speaker 2: a different way right of showing up in the world?
Speaker 2: And can I practice can I sort of think about
Speaker 2: my complexity and what I might have to share.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's so important to really think these things through
Speaker 3: because what you're talking about today is one, be aware
Speaker 3: that you have a story to tell. Two, understand that
Speaker 3: you have to be in alignment. You know, the stories
Speaker 3: that we're telling, whether it be to ourselves or family, friends,
Speaker 3: the public, companies, you have to be in alignment, right,
Speaker 3: you know what is your purpose behind the story?
Speaker 2: Well, and I'll say this too, I think social media
Speaker 2: has shifted our ability to tell the true story about
Speaker 2: ourselves because I think a lot of And someone asked
Speaker 2: me this straight up and I was like, is this
Speaker 2: a real course? Like what's your brand personality? And I
Speaker 2: was like, my brand personality is me? Like but I
Speaker 2: was like so shocked about like, and I do think
Speaker 2: social media though, what do we put up on social media?
Speaker 2: What do we not like everyone on social media? I
Speaker 2: think when you're putting something up on social media, like
Speaker 2: here's my worst day ever, you're usually look at this
Speaker 2: great meal I made, Look at this fabest place I
Speaker 2: went to. Look at my cute new hat. Look how
Speaker 2: gre my kids are, Look how cleaned my house. Whatever
Speaker 2: you're doing, and you're not, you're performing to me for
Speaker 2: social context, and sometimes we're so out of like our
Speaker 2: social media presence yea, and our real lives are. It's
Speaker 2: a big disconnect for some people. And I think that's
Speaker 2: another thing that other generations didn't have to consider that
Speaker 2: we will have to consider, Oh, what are we putting
Speaker 2: out there to the world, you know, on social media,
Speaker 2: either on our personal pages or professional pages. And again
Speaker 2: that's cultivated. What do you put on your professional site
Speaker 2: versus your your personal site? You know, different things. But
Speaker 2: this is the thing that is tricky for a lot
Speaker 2: of us, like how do I navigate my persona? And that.
Speaker 3: Well, it's fascinating you bring that up, because you know,
Speaker 3: when I people know me for this except the people
Speaker 3: that know me when I'm outside of my occupation. But
Speaker 3: I'll go to an event, a networking event, and I'll
Speaker 3: be sitting at a table and I don't say very
Speaker 3: much and people want to know if I'm okay, and
Speaker 3: then I have to explain how much of an introvert
Speaker 3: I am. Oh, yes, right, And so I realized, wait
Speaker 3: a minute, I don't want to keep explaining that I'm
Speaker 3: an introvert. That's another story. If I'm going to go
Speaker 3: to an outside event, people are going to want me
Speaker 3: to be the person they see on air and Jeevez
Speaker 3: pat that's not that hard to do, right, but it
Speaker 3: is a stretch because it cuts against who I really am.
Speaker 3: When I'm out a network event, I'm no different except
Speaker 3: I'm just extremely curious about other people and I talk
Speaker 3: less about myself. But it's a shock for people to
Speaker 3: see me not this. It's a real shock, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd say that for me too, Like, yeah, when
Speaker 2: we have our external sides, because I'm a performer, so
Speaker 2: like I'm performing and i'm speaking, I'm doing my show
Speaker 2: and I'm doing my stuff, and then I need my
Speaker 2: quiet time too, Like some people are shot. Like my
Speaker 2: favorite thing to do is honestly travel by myself or
Speaker 2: be by myself a little bit because nobody knows me,
Speaker 2: or nobody can knows has an idea of myself that
Speaker 2: then I live up too. So sometimes when you travel
Speaker 2: by yourself, you're not with someone negotiating things, but then
Speaker 2: it's easy for other people to approach you. But when
Speaker 2: you're traveling and not in your familiar circles, people see
Speaker 2: you for you, not your persona, and then you get
Speaker 2: to be more well around it because I like you,
Speaker 2: like I'm I'm very extroverted, and I have an introverted
Speaker 2: part of me that needs to be taken care of,
Speaker 2: but it's hard to when you're like seeing publicly in
Speaker 2: a certain way. It's it's a real thing that we cultivate,
Speaker 2: like on you, you're a very complex, multifaceted person, just
Speaker 2: like me, just like everyone else. And so either people
Speaker 2: are gonna put you in that box or you put
Speaker 2: yourself in the box. And again that the invitation is
Speaker 2: not to be judging about it, but be curious, like
Speaker 2: where's that serving me? Where is it not serving me?
Speaker 2: And also the invitation I love about what you said
Speaker 2: is can I invite people to see me in different
Speaker 2: ways can I invite a different perspective on myself, like
Speaker 2: by sharing or like you said, I like to listen
Speaker 2: whether they like to talk at these events, Like that's
Speaker 2: beautiful way to think about your approach, you know, to
Speaker 2: get more out of it and to show up more
Speaker 2: holistically pat or like when you call yourself Patty, doctor
Speaker 2: pat pat and Patty Patty Yeah, allow you at different
Speaker 2: parts of your life that I'm like, absolutely, you know,
Speaker 2: and that's that's a great way to think about it. Oh,
Speaker 2: can I what do I want out of this interaction?
Speaker 2: And how am I showing up again? Not just on autopilot?
Speaker 2: The invitation is to bring some awareness and that to
Speaker 2: me is the where the excitement has come. And I
Speaker 2: have some awareness.
Speaker 3: But you know, it's interesting to have fun. And I
Speaker 3: know we already have a few minutes left. But here's
Speaker 3: the whole point to this. What I love about what
Speaker 3: you're bringing up today for me is we are multi
Speaker 3: dimensional people and we can show up differently. It doesn't
Speaker 3: mean we're not authentic and we're not an authentic self.
Speaker 3: We show up differently.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: For years, Atlantis Morissett was called the angry girl singer, right,
Speaker 3: I mean that goes what did she write about? She wrote,
Speaker 3: some of her songs are like that until she wrote
Speaker 3: thank you that song. Now she confused the public.
Speaker 2: Are you angry girl?
Speaker 3: Or are you grateful girl? And you know, but the
Speaker 3: point is this, we get to be whoever we are,
Speaker 3: and we get to cultivate the stories we want to
Speaker 3: tell to really match wherever we are and what we do.
Speaker 3: But it is very important to be aware of who
Speaker 3: you're sharing this story with, when to share, when not
Speaker 3: to share, when to edit or not to edit, because
Speaker 3: sometimes the story isn't about you, it's about listening to
Speaker 3: the other person. And I think that's part of the journey,
Speaker 3: you know, in this me Me III world. You know,
Speaker 3: I want to hear Joel Ostein tell that story a
Speaker 3: thousand times. I want to hear how he kept faith
Speaker 3: in through some magical thing he got the last vote
Speaker 3: to build the Compact Center. I want to hear the
Speaker 3: story of how he was going to get sued and
Speaker 3: they weren't going to be able to build, but then
Speaker 3: one day, magically the suit went away. See why do
Speaker 3: I want to hear that? Because I need those stories
Speaker 3: for myself to remember what's possible. Not what's probable, not
Speaker 3: the guess work. And this is part of it, my journey,
Speaker 3: in your journey. When we do the shows, we're pretty upbeat.
Speaker 3: We're sometimes funny. We're sometimes funny, and we will get
Speaker 3: we will get backlash, and backlash is a funny word,
Speaker 3: but we'll get feedback. Like the other day, somebody said, Pat,
Speaker 3: doctor Patt, I cannot believe that you're talking about the
Speaker 3: Resident Evil movies. You actually watch them, And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 3: it was a game. It's about zombies, it's about heroes,
Speaker 3: it's about badass women.
Speaker 2: I do.
Speaker 3: But then I explained how I got to be there,
Speaker 3: what my childhood was like, why my only escape were
Speaker 3: movies like that, how they became my point of comfort,
Speaker 3: how I took Frankenstein to bed with me every night,
Speaker 3: asking him to protect me from my horrific childhood. You see,
Speaker 3: it can open that door, can't it?
Speaker 2: Yes, it can. And if you know that, right, you
Speaker 2: know that about yourself, then you decide how and when
Speaker 2: you share that. But also you don't let someone else
Speaker 2: if I can't believe you do that, Well, here's some way,
Speaker 2: and here's why. But I think people do them a
Speaker 2: lot of times. I can't believe this about you. I
Speaker 2: can't believe we'll believe it because I'm a complex, interesting
Speaker 2: person and I'm not always what you think I am.
Speaker 2: And again that's identity. I know reject it and other
Speaker 2: people reinforce it. But then sometimes we have our own
Speaker 2: and we limit it. And that's where we're talking about,
Speaker 2: Like with the little exploration and curiosity, we don't have
Speaker 2: to limit what we know about ourselves. And the stories
Speaker 2: that we tell about ourselves and the stories we experience
Speaker 2: are really good conduits for self awareness. And it's that
Speaker 2: line between like knowing them and then sharing them when
Speaker 2: you think about, okay, who and to what end and
Speaker 2: what's the purpose of it? But I'm not going to
Speaker 2: edit myself. I would at least know for myself my
Speaker 2: sort and I think tapping into that is great self awareness.
Speaker 2: It's empowering. It helps you see what you've been through,
Speaker 2: It sees what's possible. And then I think, like you said,
Speaker 2: stories is a way to connect. I feel like listening
Speaker 2: to other people's stories, sharing stories, connecting through story is
Speaker 2: so powerful missing out right by limiting yourself to the
Speaker 2: greatest hits like and think about that, like, how could
Speaker 2: we connect in more authentic, meaningful ways and use our
Speaker 2: stories for external connection and internal knowledge.
Speaker 3: When you think about it, Carrie, and thank you for today.
Speaker 3: When you think about it, If it weren't for those
Speaker 3: people scratching hieroglyphics on a wall, hello, we would know nothing.
Speaker 3: So we need to learn how to scratch our own
Speaker 3: hieroglyphics on a wall. Thank you for today. What is
Speaker 3: the best way for people to find out more about you?
Speaker 2: They can go to Canutson speaks dot com, k n
Speaker 2: U T s o n speaks dot com and has
Speaker 2: information about my show, about coaching, about my topics and
Speaker 2: keynotes and presentations and all about me.
Speaker 3: Basically awesome, Thank you so much for today. And you
Speaker 3: know what stories are the things that dreams are made of.
Speaker 3: Dreams are the things that visions are made up. Visions
Speaker 3: are the things that allow us to act in ways
Speaker 3: that we don't even believe or possible. What we have
Speaker 3: the faith we know we can. Thank you for all
Speaker 3: of that. Thank you, Carrie, Thanks doctor Pat to all
Speaker 3: of you out there. What's your story? Are you compromising
Speaker 3: on it? Do you know how to rely? Are you
Speaker 3: willing to at least embrace the story of your life
Speaker 3: for yourself. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 1: You have been listening to Get Big Out Loud Radio,
Speaker 1: where we explore the complex, funny and beautiful right of
Speaker 1: life with me Carrie Knutson, joining Doctor Pat live every
Speaker 1: second Monday at ten am Pacific on Transformation Talk Radio
Speaker 1: dot com. I will help you to know which thoughts
Speaker 1: are keeping you small in order for you to get big,
Speaker 1: Get big, and live your life out loud. For more information,
Speaker 1: visit Canutson Speaks dot com.
Speaker 2: The best take to the Beast Stake