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Speaker 1: You. I am now listening to soft core History. Ladies

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and gentlemen, Welcome back to self core History. I'm your

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host for the week, Damna Jester, joined as always by

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Robert Fox. What's going on? And we have a very

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special guest this week, our good pal Alex Buscemi Boush.

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What's up, guys, Welcome to the couch.

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Speaker 2: And you know he's a good friend because he won't

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hesitate to portray a pedophile.

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Speaker 1: Oh on your social media ca? Yeah? Yeah.

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Speaker 3: When Rob asked me, he was like, hey, uh, Boush,

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would you do this sketch with us? I was like sure.

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He's like, by the way, you're playing a pedophile And

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I was like, what made you think of me for

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this role?

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Speaker 1: Rob?

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Speaker 3: I don't know whether to be flattered or offended.

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Speaker 1: I just knew you'd nail it, just need you nail it.

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You did, And thanks to you and our other power

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and friends. Yep, we've picked up some perhaps new listeners.

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So welcome into the show. Welcome to sophocore History. We're

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happy to have you, happy to welcome. Today we're going

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to talk about Harold Sigurdson.

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Speaker 2: I still just want to call him sig in honor

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of Kurt Signetty, I just called Sig for the rest

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of the episode.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, Well, he was born in ten fifteen to

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a wealthy chieftain family in the uplands of the northern

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forest of Oslo, Norway.

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Speaker 2: That sounds almost like an oxymorn, like he's he was

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born to a wealthy mud people family. Like he's a chief,

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not a king, not a noble, no, just a chieftain.

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Speaker 1: Well thankfully though his older brother Olaf through his mother,

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so his half brother. But they shared a mother, so

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that's kind of weird, a little bizarre. Who knows, I don't.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't tell you the breeding habits of those people.

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Speaker 1: From that time. He was the king of Norway when

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Harold popped out. Okay, so royalty technically to an extent. Okay.

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Olof is also a saint in the Catholic Church. Love him,

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love him already. He was converted and baptized just a

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year earlier in ten fourteen in Normandy, before coming back

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and reuniting a divided Norway.

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Speaker 2: So he brought Catholicism to Norway.

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Speaker 1: Basically, yeah, we're gonna get to that a bit.

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Speaker 2: That'll get it, that'll get you a say, hood that

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pencils you rite in like everyone that brings Catholicism anywhere

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immediately like check it. Saint like he did do it

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by like cutting off a thousand heads. Saint doesn't matter. Yeah, saint,

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And yeah he was pretty ruthless, wasn't it. We did

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one on Olga, right, Saint Olga.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, of a long time ago. That was I think

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during the COVID times. Yeah, you're gonna do it via

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zoom because we all had COVID we did. Yeah, also

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a saint.

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Speaker 2: Also just crushing skulls in the name of Jesus Christ.

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Speaker 3: That's what Jesus would do.

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Speaker 1: I mean, if he came back now, he'd have to.

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I like to picture my Jesus flying in on a

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black Hawk. Here's Jesus, Here's Jesus.

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Speaker 2: Today is like me with my my children, which is

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I will gentle parent to a point.

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Speaker 1: It'll be like three or four. Hey, buddy, can you

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stop doing that? Hey?

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Speaker 2: I know you want to do that, but you can't

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do that. Hey, you need to stop doing that. I'm

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letting you know it's not good that you're doing that.

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You know, please stop doing that. Don't listen, don't listen,

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don't listen, and then it's like that is just Rory.

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Stop now go to your room one, two three, go

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go like just and I'm even pulling punches because I

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don't want to blame.

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Speaker 1: Jesus right now would actually be an influencer for Lockheed Martin.

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Speaker 3: You ever hear the Bill Hicks bit about why Jesus

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has never returned because he poked one head out of

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the the cave. He sees all these statues of him

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nailed you across. He's like, holy shit, these people want

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to kill me all over again. I'm getting out of here.

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Speaker 1: Bill Hicks. Now Alex Jones, Alex Jones. Yeah, that's Bill Hicks, right,

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Bill Hicks died and Alex Jones was born? Is the

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conspiracy that Bill Hicks Conspiracylex Jones?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? Oh man, No, Bill Hicks was way too intelligent

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to become Alex Jones. Maybe dying and coming back you

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not all your brain cells come back with you. Yeah,

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that's fair. You only he's kind of zombie fied.

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Speaker 1: You only retain a certain amount. Yeah. I can't believe

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you've been on the internet and you've never heard that theory.

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Speaker 2: I never heard that. Yeah, but that is more up

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his alley.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, no, that's no. I don't go on that corner

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of the internet.

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Speaker 1: I've met the man several times. Produced a couple of

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shows for Alex Alex Jones.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, what is he? What's he like? What's Alex Jones?

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Speaker 1: Like? He was nice. He bought his hamburgers fuck yeah

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from Petterry. Dude.

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Speaker 3: I would drink with Alex Jones.

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Speaker 1: Rob was there at the time. I was there for

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one of them, okay, and he was just crazy. Yeah,

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it was like crazy himself, like not mean, didn't seem

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like an not like violent or anything like that.

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Speaker 2: Just crazy, like couldn't finish a sentence. Crazy like thought

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could not be completed before other thought began.

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Speaker 1: ADHD brain for sure.

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Speaker 2: Like he was just like it got to point like

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listening to a talk a person where I was like, who,

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I don't understand how he even listens to this guy,

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Like he doesn't finish a sentence.

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Speaker 3: Well, he doesn't have ADHD brain. He has straight on

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brain damage.

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Speaker 1: Like he was I think he said so. Yeah, there

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was like.

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Speaker 3: A thing about him getting hit in the head. He

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was on Rogan. It was on Rogan. He told Joe

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about how he got mercilessly beat in a bathroom in

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high school, and his brain was never the same.

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Speaker 1: It's never the same. He's a handsome fellow.

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Speaker 2: That's really funny that he was bullied in high school,

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because I would have guessed I would have guessed the opposite.

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Speaker 3: I don't know if he was a bully or if

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he was an aggressor and then turned to another aggressor,

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and that's fair.

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Speaker 1: So oh off. He helped Danish king Cannute take England

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and get his biggest opposition out of the way in Norway.

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So he's like, if I give this dude free reign

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in England, I can roll.

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Speaker 2: They're gonna fuck off me because England's better Land.

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Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, there's a reason all the Vikings wanted England

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right right right, Like we're tired of trying to farm

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when it's negative thirty. Yeah, I liked it.

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Speaker 2: The water stays water here, doesn't turn to ice for

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fucking nine months out of that.

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Speaker 1: I mean there's a lot of it.

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Speaker 2: It won't stop raining, but at least it's fucking water.

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Speaker 1: His brother Harold, though, would go on to have a

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much more chaotic, adventurous and interest in life than even

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Big Bro that he looked up to, and we have

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a few stories about his youth cool and these are

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all legend of courses, is right, you know the ten hundreds, right,

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take it with a grain of song.

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Speaker 2: Not only the ten hundreds, but like Edge of the

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World ten hundreds.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, these are all sagas.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, like it didn't It didn't happen in Venice where

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there were like it happened.

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Speaker 3: It happened somewhere that England was such good weather that

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they wanted to conquer, right, right, that's that's how distant

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this place, I will say.

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Speaker 1: Though the source material is at least close ish to

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when it actually happened. It's like one hundred, one hundred

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forty years. No, they get it. Yeah, that's fine.

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Speaker 2: They just actually they could they confirm something, you know, herodotus.

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Obviously people are always like he makes everything up right,

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just for shits and gigs and make people sound crazy.

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So one of the things that they thought he had

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made up for the longest time was that the Scython

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Scythians used human skin, I think to be like the Scytheon. Yeah,

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I think so Scythian is Scythian site whatever might be Scythian.

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Speaker 1: Either way, who's the pokemon you can only catch in

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the Sari zone Skyther Cyther Cyther. That makes sense.

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Speaker 2: But Heroditus said that the Scythians used human skin as.

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Speaker 1: Like the lid on their quiver for arrows and stuff

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like that, and.

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Speaker 2: Everyone was like, oh, there goes Herodotus again, just making

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shit up about barbarians.

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Speaker 1: And then very recently are they found an.

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Speaker 2: Archaeological site human skin quiver covers And that's like he

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did it. He wrote that like four hundred years later

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or something like that. But yeah, Herodotus, uh vindicated.

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Speaker 1: A little bit, yeah, a little bit, a little bit

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talking about the Gates of Babylon and never went yeah yeah, yeah,

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like I just heard it from a dude.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, But if he was right about that, what else

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was he not lying about?

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Speaker 1: That's what I'm playing.

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Speaker 3: That's like it we're talking ship at Alex Jones. He

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was one of the first to be like, yo, there's

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a pedophile island and all the rich and famous people

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are diddling kids there and we were like, no way, dude,

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you sound crazy. And then guess what, Alex Jones.

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Speaker 1: Was right, And that's the thing about.

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Speaker 3: You Herodotus was the you know, the ancient Alex Jones,

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and maybe he's right about a lot of shit.

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Speaker 1: The conspiracy theorists only have to be right once. That's

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that's our joke.

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Speaker 3: If a broken clock is right twice a day, if a.

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Speaker 2: Journalist, if a journalist is wrong, ones, their discre careers over.

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And if a conspiracy theorist is right once, they're credited forever.

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Speaker 3: Yes, so just be a conspiracy.

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Speaker 1: Theorist, right y be a journalist.

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Speaker 3: It doesn't because they believe in like civilization.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So one of the stories around

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the time, when he was three, all Off was putting

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together a succession plan with no kids of his own yet,

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and at the time he had three younger half brothers.

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He wanted to see how they would react if he's

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surprised and scared them at a party. Harold, being the youngest,

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Gutham and half Dan flinched and whimpered when Oloff ambushed them,

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but Harold, at just three, allegedly was unfazed. Not a

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good metric, bad metric.

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Speaker 3: Yeah what if he's just stupid?

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Speaker 2: Hey, what if he's just a fucking idiot and be

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like a three You don't know how a three year

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old's gonna react to anything, Like I could take my

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three year olds like, like I could pick up a

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lego that he plays somewhere else this week.

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Speaker 1: He's not even playing with it a time.

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Speaker 2: I could pick it up that he plays somewhere else

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and be like and put it away, and he will

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lose his fucking mind. And then I could like stick

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a rattlesnake in his face and he wouldn't fucking react

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like it does. There's no rhyme or reason to a

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child's reactions to anything, and it drives me fucking insane.

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Speaker 3: How did he How did he ambush them?

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Speaker 1: Did he just come up and be like, boo, yeah,

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I mean he's just jump scare, all right, just a

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little jump scare action. I just wanted to see how

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they would handle it. And but this guy's like basically

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an adult. Yeah, at he's a king.

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Speaker 3: It's funny to imagine a big burly Viking dude like

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sneaking up on a three year old and then.

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Speaker 2: Boo, well, I was just gonna say they were closer

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in age, like, but Harold was young. Uh, you know,

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the too closer in age would be used to that

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guy like beating the shit out of them, whereas the

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baby is not getting the same experience.

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Speaker 1: It's the oldest brother.

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Speaker 3: He's not afraid.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. The other brothers are like, every

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time you do this, yeah, I leave with bruises. Yeah yeah.

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Olof went to grab his toddler brother's hair and the

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little thunderbolt grabbed him by the mustache back. He would

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not back down.

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Speaker 2: Hell yeah, that sounds like a three year old.

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Speaker 1: Apparently this is all you had to do in Viking

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culture to be first in line for the throun. He's

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a great man.

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Speaker 2: They put him on a boat the next day, actually

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for battle.

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Speaker 1: He's ready, at least until Oloff had an air of

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his own magnus In ten twenty four. There's another story

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where the king asked his brothers, what would you most

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like to have? This is a little later down the line, okay,

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just very open ended question. Guthrum answered that he wanted

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ten farms with fertile lands that would grow grain every summer.

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Half Dan wanted his ten farm lands, but with cows

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so stock standard answer for a Viking.

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Speaker 3: Now, what's up with the whole? Like Dan? Half Dan like,

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is that's like if you had a son. Would you

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name him half Dan or.

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Speaker 1: He's only half of me? I feel like that's set

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him up for failure.

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Speaker 3: Exactly, that would be. So that's so mean. Like I'm Bjorn,

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this is my son half Bjorn.

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Speaker 1: We should do that junior and thirds and fourth like

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Robs a third, he should just be we should cut

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it in half every time, third Rob, third Rob. Half,

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you'd be quarter Rob. No, No, Rory's quarter Rob. No, No,

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that's not how this works. It's a half every time,

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so you take half of half, So that's a quarter. Wow.

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So Rory's.

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Speaker 3: Eighth Rob.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, one to eighth. Damn.

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Speaker 3: I didn't think I'd be doing fractions today, I know,

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but here we are eighth Rob, then sixteenth Rob.

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Speaker 1: Finally, Harold proclaimed that he wonted loyal warriors so many

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that they would eat up all of his brother half

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Dan's cows in a single meal.

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Speaker 2: I mean, look, nothing gets you a farm or ten

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farms faster than warriors that will take them from the

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dumb asshole who only wanted cows.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so there's not a ton about his childhood, but

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those are stories that kind of give us a vibe

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of who this guy was from the jump okay. In

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ten twenty four, after years of converting many Norwegian tribes

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from Norse gods to Christianity, usually by the sword, Oloff

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named it the official faith of the region. This pissed

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off a lot of nobles and chieftains, and his old

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boy Canute down in England took advantage of his mistakes

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to usurp him from the Norwegian throne. Canute always saw

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Oloff as a placeholder and a lesser ruler under his

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larger kingdom.

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Speaker 2: I mean, he does have the better kingdom at this point.

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Speaker 1: England, in Denmark, yeah, those are way better than Norway.

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Way better.

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Speaker 2: I don't even know why you want Norway at that point,

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it seems like a waste of time.

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Speaker 1: Go take parts of France. What do you even care about?

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This guy can't do anything. I don't think you want

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to fuck with Normandy.

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Speaker 2: No, you don't want to fuck with the Normans. And

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I was thinking in other parts of France, Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Norman people don't.

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Speaker 2: People don't remember that the Normans had like the greatest

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one hundred and fifty year run in just about I mean,

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like that one hundred and fifty years. It's like taking

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like a ballplayer's like prime five years, like maybe they

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got injured or something afterwards, but like that prime, fo

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that prime is as good as anyone's prime. They took Sicily,

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they took England. They were fucking around in like North

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Africa and shit like me.

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Speaker 1: They are everywhere I think England. Now, if you go

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through their history glass and everything, it all starts with

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William the Conqueror.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's kind of when they become England.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Everything else is just like we don't really talk.

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Speaker 2: I got a lot of history lessons on the Normans

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from the Commons, on the one on the sketch that

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went viral.

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Speaker 3: If you go back far enough on my family tree

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on my mom's side, it starts at Charlemagne, like the

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tippy top of the family tree, says Charlemagne. So does

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that mean that doesn't mean like we probably came from him,

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but it probably was just like a bunch of serfs

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that lived under him, just to just said that that

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was there. Maybe you're Sicilian, right I am, Well, my

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mom's my dad's side Sicilian. Mom's side is English Scottish.

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Speaker 2: Okay, well, if you're Sicilian. The Normans ruled Sicily for

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a little while, so.

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Speaker 1: That my dad.

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Speaker 3: That's not that's not my dad's side though, Okay, I'm

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talking about my mom's side.

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Speaker 1: Charlemagne. There's a revolt in ten twenty eight financed by Canut,

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and Olaf is forced into exile in Sweden and then Russia,

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where he stays until ten thirty when he discovers the

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new Yar of Norway. That can newt installed drowned at

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sea sounds like a bad Viking.

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Speaker 2: That's the lamest possible way for a Viking to die.

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Speaker 1: You don't reach Valhalla if you drowned at sea, you don't.

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You don't. You just go to the bottom of the ocean.

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So all off Jesus is an opportunity to take back

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the throne. Harold's only fifteen at the time, but he

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rallies six hundred men from the Uplands to join his

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half brother and join with his ironically mostly heathen army

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from Sweden. Well, got take any swordy cap? Yeah, it's

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just that, just is what it is. At Sticklstad, which

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is one of the biggest battles in Norwegian history. It's

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a very funny name though, Sticklestat.

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Speaker 2: It's also just funny because it's one of those battles

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where like I like to talk about all die but

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it's just like, yeah, I'm dying it.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm fighting at this battle.

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Speaker 2: Oh it's like the biggest battle in history. And if

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I die, this is a glorious battle to die. And

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we're like the Sticklestat like somebody got fucking gutted.

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Speaker 1: Dog. It certainly wasn't one of the biggest battles ever.

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This ain't China.

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Speaker 2: Well, I don't mean like numbers wise, but I mean

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like people go into a lot of these battles being

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like this is for everything.

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Speaker 1: I like, where like in the Grands game, you don't

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realize it's a tiny skirmish, thinks whatever, No one thinks

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about it at all.

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Speaker 3: Did the Vikings own all of England at this point?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 3: Or just the northern tip everyone?

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Speaker 1: No, I mean it's broken up in a different kingdoms,

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like yeah, Viking run, there's English.

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Speaker 2: Runs, Saxon's all types of stuff.

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Speaker 1: So that William the conquer is the one that like

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unites everything.

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Speaker 2: England, England, not the UK England, yes, okay, right, yeah,

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so like not Wales, not Scotland obviously not.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not even talking about Wales in that shop

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I'm talking about like Lynn itself at this time was

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super divided. Yes, okay, So they meet a Sticklestad. They're

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surprised by Canutes goons calf Arnison and thor Hund, who

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had an army twice their size. Oll Off falls in

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battle and dies bleeding out, leaning against a large rock.

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Seeing his men get butchered, calf Arninson allegedly even finished

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the job and slid his throat against the rock. Harold

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himself is wounded severely, but was able to escape with

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his life bleeding out. He stumbled upon a home tucked

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away in the wilderness, where a peasant family took him in,

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and the injured fifteen year old Harold was able to

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heal under their roof.

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Speaker 2: Oh how nice of them, Like, who are you? I

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think I assume he just like was like, I'll give

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you lots of money.

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Speaker 1: I'm very I'm very rich. It's also a team.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, also just fighting fuck bloody wars at fifteen years old.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, dude, that's not even that's not that crazy. Then

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it's not that crazy. There were tweens at the fucking

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Battle of Bunker Hill. Yeah, we had twelve year olds

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in the World War Two.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I know that they sneak in there, but but

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I thought, well, this is later, I guess.

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Speaker 1: So we had younger soldiers in World War Two. Think

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of all the kids that died in Berlin. Yeah, but

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that was you know, they had they Jojo Rabbit. Yeah.

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Speaker 2: But even like so like the American Revolution, like minute men. Yeah,

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but they're kids in that.

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Speaker 3: But uh, like I know knighthood like to be a

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knight in the medieval times, they had to be. They

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were twenty one, and I'm sure younger people fought.

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Speaker 2: You might get you might get a little fast tracked.

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If you're royal, you get the fast pass.

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Speaker 1: Once healed, Harold wandered through the mountains, avoiding main roads,

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and made his way to Sweden, where he spent a

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winter with fellow survivors of Sticklestad. He then went to Keevan,

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russ which today is Russia, Belarus and Ukraine, where he

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met the man who gave his older brother oh Off

401
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sanctuary during z exile. You'roslav. The whys in Kiev, it's

402
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you say Kiev Keev. I don't know how to pronounce

403
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these cities.

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Speaker 2: I think they say Kiev because that's the Ukrainian way

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and Kiev's like the Russian way.

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Speaker 1: To say it. Am I saying it right though?

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Speaker 2: Keevan Russ, Keevan Rus Yeah, okay.

408
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Speaker 1: And look it up. Yeah yeah. People you need things

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and you don't really hear them. You don't.

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Speaker 2: Often people forget that Russia was not that I endorseed

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the you know, Ukraine me independent, but Russia was actually

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founded in Ukraine. Basically, like Kiev was the heart and

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the founding area of the Russian whatever.

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Speaker 3: Well that's why they went it back. It's like their

415
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cultural heritage. It's like Washington, d C.

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Speaker 1: To them, if we like lost Virginia.

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Speaker 2: It's like but it's like a weird mix too. It's

418
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like part it's like it's like it's like their Northeast

419
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and also their California at the same time, beautiful beaches,

420
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like it's it's crazy, like it's it's just Ukraine's like

421
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this like great weather. It was literally Ukraine was the

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best part of Russia throughout all of Russia's history and

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then they lost it and they're like, god damn it.

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Speaker 1: Also in Kiev or Kayev, whatever the fuck you wanna

425
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call it. Kiev. Kiev was Olaf's mistress. Ambassadard child Magnus.

426
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Harold was granted the same safety and became a sword

427
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for hire for the Prince Poland is really where Harold

428
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cut his teeth and became a fierce warrior, slaughtering the

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enemies of Yuroslav. At eighteen, Harold proposed to Yuroslav's daughter,

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but the prince refused. He appreciated the brute force Harold

431
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brought to the battlefields, but with no crown or lands

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to speak of his own, and no money, he's not

433
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a political advantage for Yuroslav to marry off one of

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his daughters.

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Speaker 2: You're not wasting a daughter on that, certainly not. Is

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it the oldest daughter. You're certainly not wasting the oldest.

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Speaker 1: He already had a couple daughters that were married off

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to other Okay.

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Speaker 2: But even still, yeah, you need to you need that

440
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those daughters are real.

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Speaker 1: Capital ten thirty four. Calf Arnisson, the man who cut

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down his brother Olof at Sticklestad, came to Keevan, Russ.

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He had turned on Canute and was in open rebellion

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against the Danish king. He came to collect not Harold

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but young Magnus to put on the Norwegian throne. And

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he did just that in ten thirty five a year later.

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Speaker 2: So he revolted and was like, I'm putting the kid

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on fuck this guy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah all right, but I'm gonna be like Advisor one.

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Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm running.

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Speaker 2: How old was Magnus at this point, super young? That's

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an ideal situation for someone who could never be king.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, and then you have a shield to a child shield, yeah,

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but a shield nonetheless to take you know, if she

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hits the fan to take the spear to the gut.

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Speaker 2: Well, a five year old is shield sized, yes, so

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it's perfect. You just pick him up by shirt shield.

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Speaker 1: Because that's how Vikings fought. It was just like all right,

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you go, I go. Is it rock and socckem.

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Speaker 2: Robot sounds like a Pokemon battle? Actually, yeah, you do.

461
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It's like ohl Off deploys cut, its ven deploys cut.

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Speaker 1: It's only cut. They only have cut, but it's all cut.

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It's all cut.

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Speaker 3: And then he's got block and he in the little

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graphic shows him hold up a child.

466
00:22:21,839 --> 00:22:26,079
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's just got.

467
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:31,400
Speaker 1: Little Harold, with no real claim at this point or

468
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:34,640
desire to take the throne, gathered a few hundred men

469
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:40,680
and sailed south, far south and ended up take a guess,

470
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:49,000
sailed south, I don't know, Jerusalem from Russia. Okay, Turkey, Yeah,

471
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:53,000
cut Constantinople to get some hair plugs, get goes to

472
00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:56,559
the Eastern Roman Empire. Yeah, hell yeah, where he enlisted

473
00:22:56,599 --> 00:23:00,000
in the Varangian Guard, which was a bunch of Norse

474
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:04,079
mercenaries and acted as bodyguards and an elite military group

475
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,160
for the Byzantine Empire. Yeah. Probably worth doing a whole

476
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:07,799
episode on them.

477
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,440
Speaker 2: In fact, I think people have asked, but yeah, it

478
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:12,720
was essentially just like Viking Delta Force or Viking Actually,

479
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,680
a better way to put might be Viking Pertorian Guard.

480
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,079
Speaker 1: Yeah, that essentially giants.

481
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:19,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, what's the Pretorian Guard?

482
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,559
Speaker 2: So those were like the elite sort of emperor protectors,

483
00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:25,400
which is an ironic way to put it in Rome

484
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,279
because they.

485
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,920
Speaker 1: Killed the emperors.

486
00:23:29,279 --> 00:23:32,400
Speaker 2: But they were like the dudes in Rome, the military

487
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,680
unit in Rome, and they were kind of close to

488
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,640
the emperor, and they had a lot of political power,

489
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,880
and if the emperor pissed them off or they thought

490
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:40,960
they could get a better deal, like sometimes just better

491
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,240
pay from an emperor a different emperor, they'd be like, sorry, buddy,

492
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,359
and then so.

493
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,359
Speaker 1: This is the Byzantine Empire's version of that essentially.

494
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, but they weren't as big a dix as the

495
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:52,160
actual Preetorian guard.

496
00:23:52,279 --> 00:23:54,960
Speaker 1: Yeah. These are just more guns for hire. Yeah yeah, yeah.

497
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:57,920
Harold was welcomed with open arms to protect Emperor Michael

498
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,599
the Fourth, who was a low born who ascended the

499
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,400
throne by marrying a woman thirty years older than him,

500
00:24:04,519 --> 00:24:09,519
Empress Zoey Smart after the death of her husband, Romanos

501
00:24:09,599 --> 00:24:10,039
the third.

502
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,480
Speaker 2: So she was empress too, and that guy was the

503
00:24:14,519 --> 00:24:18,839
emperor and then she just married some fucking bum her

504
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:19,359
side dick.

505
00:24:19,599 --> 00:24:23,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then he became emperor. Kind of No, this

506
00:24:23,279 --> 00:24:25,480
is a rag's the richest story. Helly, good for him.

507
00:24:25,559 --> 00:24:26,599
He his way to the top.

508
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,400
Speaker 3: He makes me feel like a young woman again.

509
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 1: Well, it is widely speculated that they orchestrated the murder

510
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,480
of Romanos as she married Michael the same day she

511
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:38,599
became a widow. Ah, yeah, that sounds accurate. But she

512
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,440
was so beloved by the people in the Byzantine Empire

513
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,799
that they let it go. They're like, ah, that's fine,

514
00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:46,880
like Zoe, let her, let her have this. Come on,

515
00:24:47,079 --> 00:24:51,200
we love Zoe. There's a girl so Michael took in

516
00:24:51,279 --> 00:24:54,079
all the protection he could get. At the same time,

517
00:24:54,319 --> 00:24:59,240
the Islamic Fatamid dynasty was bucking and starting to terrorize

518
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:03,759
Byzantine Lanfe and Harold was sent to confront Islamic pirates

519
00:25:03,799 --> 00:25:07,359
in the Mediterranean and unleash hell and fury with Greek

520
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:11,079
fire and a horde of Viking merks. I feel bad.

521
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,720
That's the most terrifying image I can think of, what

522
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:18,240
a Viking with a flame dower Greek fire in Viking marks. Yeah,

523
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:19,440
Vikings with flametars.

524
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,519
Speaker 2: I feel bad for the Greeks because we like to

525
00:25:22,519 --> 00:25:23,400
make fun of them a lot.

526
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:27,640
Speaker 1: Bouche seems a little confused. Greek fire was essentially Game

527
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:33,640
of Thrones wildfire. Wildfire, Oh sick. They actually lost the

528
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,640
recipe for it. They don't know how to make it. Damn.

529
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,920
It was like fire that you just couldn't put out

530
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:41,920
on the water and stuff.

531
00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:44,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, they used it. They had it on the walls like.

532
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,599
That's why Constantinople was so untakeable for a long time,

533
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:48,440
is because if you tried to sell your ships a.

534
00:25:48,599 --> 00:25:49,920
Speaker 1: The walls on the land were insane.

535
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:53,119
Speaker 2: They literally had to invent cannons before they could get

536
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:56,200
into it and b if you tried to bring your

537
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,119
ships up on the seaside, boom, flametars everywhere.

538
00:26:00,319 --> 00:26:00,720
Speaker 1: Wow.

539
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:03,839
Speaker 2: But I feel bad for the Greeks just because like

540
00:26:04,079 --> 00:26:05,160
we kind of shot on them, like.

541
00:26:05,079 --> 00:26:05,640
Speaker 1: Man, they're mean.

542
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,160
Speaker 2: Shoot since like the Battle of Marathon, like yeah, they're

543
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,960
invent democracy and then didn't do anything. But really, the

544
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,119
Eastern Roman Empire, the Byzantines, they're just.

545
00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:15,240
Speaker 1: Greeks, and they.

546
00:26:16,799 --> 00:26:22,119
Speaker 2: They kept the Caliphates from rolling over Europe for a

547
00:26:22,279 --> 00:26:23,920
thousand years.

548
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:27,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, like there's no world.

549
00:26:27,039 --> 00:26:30,039
Speaker 2: In which the Eastern Roman Empire doesn't exist, where Europe

550
00:26:30,079 --> 00:26:33,839
isn't just Muslim. They could have taken over the world

551
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:37,200
everything if the Eastern Roman Empire isn't standing in their way,

552
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,880
it is done.

553
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 1: Also, Vlad Daddy late late later Yeah, yeah, yeah, because

554
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,720
they eventually did get through constant Nople obviously, but it

555
00:26:45,799 --> 00:26:51,400
took It's not called Constantinople anymore, net Baghdad.

556
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:55,440
Speaker 2: But no, no, what are they called constant its Timbol?

557
00:26:56,039 --> 00:27:00,440
Speaker 1: Oh is timbul? You got it right earlier with Turkey.

558
00:27:00,599 --> 00:27:05,640
Speaker 3: Oh okay, I don't know where we are?

559
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:10,920
Speaker 1: What what what are we talking about? They annihilated the

560
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,960
Pirates and pushed forward to join the Byzantine Land campaign

561
00:27:14,319 --> 00:27:17,599
to push into Muslim territory. By ten thirty five, the

562
00:27:17,599 --> 00:27:20,799
Byzantines had pushed the Arabs out of Asia Minor to

563
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:25,200
the east southeast. Was he at Mansukret He took part

564
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:28,480
of the campaign that went as far east as the

565
00:27:28,519 --> 00:27:31,960
Tigris and Euphrates River. So in Iraq, yeah, he went

566
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:36,880
pretty deep. He participated in the capture of eighty Arab

567
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:41,200
strongholds before going to Jerusalem and forcing the Caliphate to

568
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,599
broke her peace with the Byzantines.

569
00:27:43,319 --> 00:27:45,720
Speaker 3: So the Vikings just kind of teamed up with the

570
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:47,880
Greeks to fight with.

571
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 2: The Roman Empire, the Eastern Roman Empire.

572
00:27:50,279 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, this is late stage Roman Empire.

573
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 2: Okay, second stage Roman Empire.

574
00:27:55,519 --> 00:27:58,039
Speaker 3: Okay, they teamed up with the Romans, Yeah, were they?

575
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,279
Speaker 1: I guess the evolution technically.

576
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 2: No, I mean he's not, but it is. It's the

577
00:28:02,759 --> 00:28:04,720
Eastern Roman Empire. We call it the Byzantines, but it's

578
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:08,279
the Eastern Roman Empire. The Eastern Roman Empire lasted until fourteen,

579
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:09,559
what fifty three?

580
00:28:09,559 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 1: I think it's then a much longer run than the

581
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:12,279
original Roman Empire.

582
00:28:12,880 --> 00:28:14,759
Speaker 2: Well, if you count the fact that they were part

583
00:28:14,759 --> 00:28:16,519
of the original one. Yeah, they went like two thousand

584
00:28:16,599 --> 00:28:20,880
years now, granted they kind of stopped being I think

585
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:22,759
it was the Battle of Mansucurt, which I looked up

586
00:28:22,839 --> 00:28:24,480
Quick was ten seventy one, so he probably had been

587
00:28:24,519 --> 00:28:26,759
a little too old for that. He might have been alive,

588
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,000
but he wasn't. He would have been old at that point.

589
00:28:30,839 --> 00:28:32,720
That Battle of Manskart was kind of the I think

590
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:34,799
the turning point where they were never the same after that.

591
00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:41,039
But from for whenever the West fell for twenty whatever

592
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:45,200
to the fall of Constantinople is essentially the run of

593
00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,839
the Eastern Roman Empire. So they did another thousand years

594
00:28:48,279 --> 00:28:51,160
after the full Roman Empire.

595
00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:56,799
Speaker 1: Now in command of the Vrangians in his twenties, in

596
00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:00,400
ten thirty eight, he joined the campaign in Islamics Sicily

597
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:04,480
and captured four towns, including one where he tunneled under

598
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:08,119
city walls during a siege and then just slaughtered the garrison.

599
00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:10,039
Speaker 2: Hell yeah, in fact, by the way, real fun fact,

600
00:29:10,039 --> 00:29:13,720
just quick on the Roman Empire. I believe he's either

601
00:29:13,799 --> 00:29:16,200
still alive or the last one died because when the

602
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:21,559
Turks took Constantinople, the sultan or whatever who ran the Ottomans.

603
00:29:22,039 --> 00:29:24,880
He added Caesar to his title because it was the

604
00:29:24,880 --> 00:29:27,200
Eastern Roman Empire, so he came, among other things, Caesar.

605
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,319
And obviously the Automan Empire fell after World War One,

606
00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:35,359
but the family that was running the Ottoman Empire still existed,

607
00:29:35,599 --> 00:29:38,079
and either the last one is alive or just recently

608
00:29:38,119 --> 00:29:41,160
died in New York City. So the last Roman emperor,

609
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:44,640
it's either still alive and very old or just died.

610
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:47,440
Speaker 1: I can't remember. Did Musolini do that? No, he tried.

611
00:29:47,519 --> 00:29:50,400
Speaker 2: He stole Valor the same way like the Russians were like, oh,

612
00:29:50,440 --> 00:29:51,920
we're the new Rome now.

613
00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:54,440
Speaker 1: Right, But I imagined he was going to use that title.

614
00:29:54,519 --> 00:29:56,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh yeah, one hundred percent, one hundred percent.

615
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: I'm not saying, you know, people called him Caesar, right,

616
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,519
he definitely forced, but multiple countries did that.

617
00:30:01,519 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 2: The Russian Zarmie and Caesar Kaiser met Caesar stupid, but

618
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:10,319
the Ottoman guy was technically because they overtook the actual

619
00:30:10,559 --> 00:30:13,160
Roman Empire and then added Caesar the same way like

620
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,039
Dinares Targarian is like breaker of Chain's mother, blah blah blah.

621
00:30:16,079 --> 00:30:18,599
They added Caesar to their fucking list of shit, and

622
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:23,599
so technically the last Caesar has was alive in our

623
00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,440
lifetimes for sure, if he is not still alive.

624
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:30,279
Speaker 1: In ten forty one, when the Byzantine expedition to Sicily

625
00:30:30,359 --> 00:30:34,759
was over, a Lombard Norman revolt erupted in southern Italy,

626
00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:38,519
and Harold led the guard in multiple battles before facing

627
00:30:38,559 --> 00:30:43,079
defeat and retreating back to Constantinople. Harry was then sent

628
00:30:43,119 --> 00:30:46,160
to Bulgaria to crush a rebellion in late ten forty

629
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:50,119
one and claimed just a little more glory for Michael four,

630
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:55,039
who had fallen incredibly ill. So he's like one last

631
00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:59,160
ride for Michael four. Harold returned to a parade in

632
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,279
his honor, right next to the dying emperor, who would

633
00:31:02,279 --> 00:31:07,400
soon pass After that sounds like a nightmare. Good work.

634
00:31:10,359 --> 00:31:14,960
Speaker 2: It's probably like something very communical too, like hero, you've

635
00:31:15,119 --> 00:31:20,240
done well, Like oh my god, gure's a party after this,

636
00:31:20,279 --> 00:31:22,960
get away from me, like Jesus going.

637
00:31:22,759 --> 00:31:23,640
Speaker 3: To get me sick.

638
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:30,799
Speaker 1: His nephew, Michael five took the throne. Michael five sucked. Yeah,

639
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:37,319
Michael five was not cool. He's very paranoid about everything.

640
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:40,599
Oh really, as soon as he took the throne, incredibly paranoid.

641
00:31:40,759 --> 00:31:42,599
Speaker 2: It's not like his dad took the throne in any

642
00:31:42,599 --> 00:31:43,119
weird way.

643
00:31:43,279 --> 00:31:45,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, fucked his way at the top and then murdered

644
00:31:45,559 --> 00:31:47,680
the guy on the throne. I wonder why this guy'd

645
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:52,039
be paranoid. Also not his kid, also that it's his nephew. Yeah,

646
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:54,079
so he doesn't really have.

647
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:57,640
Speaker 3: I would be paranoid too. I would be constantly paranoid.

648
00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,839
Is that even paranoia at this point where just sense?

649
00:32:01,279 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, like you become like Roman emperor or to some

650
00:32:04,559 --> 00:32:07,359
extent East Roman Emperor. It's like that dude we did

651
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:10,279
who was the the Ottoman leader a couple of weeks ago,

652
00:32:10,799 --> 00:32:13,480
who became the leader after like his brother died and

653
00:32:13,519 --> 00:32:15,359
his brother had murdered all his other brothers. Like you

654
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:22,079
get that job, and you're just like, oh god, fuck, oh,

655
00:32:22,119 --> 00:32:22,519
I just.

656
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,960
Speaker 1: Wanted to make any corner you turn, somebody could be

657
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,039
there your last because think about what your life was

658
00:32:28,039 --> 00:32:28,440
like before.

659
00:32:28,480 --> 00:32:29,880
Speaker 2: Not the guy, not the Ottoman guy who was like

660
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:31,599
in Jail's whole life, but think about what your life

661
00:32:31,680 --> 00:32:32,200
was before that.

662
00:32:32,559 --> 00:32:34,359
Speaker 1: You're just a prince. Yeah, the best is to be

663
00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:36,640
a prince that is not in line. You're just rich

664
00:32:37,039 --> 00:32:39,160
being like third or fourth. I'm like, all right, I'm good.

665
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:41,400
I don't I don't want any of the responsibilities.

666
00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:43,119
Speaker 3: You get to bang your concmbines.

667
00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:45,759
Speaker 2: No, and and you're like, I don't even want pat

668
00:32:45,799 --> 00:32:48,920
You're what's his name from Blue Blueback?

669
00:32:49,039 --> 00:32:51,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're just Moran. Yeah, yeah, you're Alex More. You

670
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,319
just like I don't want get trickle down pussy. Yeah,

671
00:32:54,359 --> 00:32:58,160
it's fine, it's fine. I'm fucking good dude.

672
00:32:58,200 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, but he probably has it's not even it's not

673
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,799
like sloppy seconds. He probably has his own set of coccubines.

674
00:33:02,839 --> 00:33:05,279
They're not as hot as the main prince is.

675
00:33:05,559 --> 00:33:07,119
Speaker 1: It's good, you know, they're not. It's not as the

676
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:11,000
as the Yeah, but you look at anyone you want,

677
00:33:11,599 --> 00:33:14,799
except anybody your brother wants. But as long as you

678
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:16,400
just don't piss him off, you're good.

679
00:33:16,519 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 2: Yes, I mean you any look at just if you

680
00:33:18,759 --> 00:33:20,559
have an iota of common sense, you look at your

681
00:33:20,559 --> 00:33:23,680
brother concubines and you think, damn, they're hot.

682
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:27,319
Speaker 1: Not getting stabbed in the throat hot, but hot.

683
00:33:27,559 --> 00:33:29,599
Speaker 2: Yeah you know what I mean, Like yeah, like, yeah,

684
00:33:29,599 --> 00:33:32,559
they're pretty odd, just not like getting violently murdered.

685
00:33:32,559 --> 00:33:34,400
Speaker 3: I mean, I'm sure his coccubines are, Like I mean,

686
00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,160
you get to a certain level hotness. You know, there's

687
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,359
there's enough tends to go around at this point, right,

688
00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,400
and like, well he's getting tends to that.

689
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,279
Speaker 2: Prince was Honestly, if you're living with eights and you're

690
00:33:44,319 --> 00:33:46,640
not getting stabbed, to give me the aightes, give.

691
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:49,319
Speaker 3: Me the eights because eights and the the intact throat.

692
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:51,519
Speaker 2: Yeah, the lack of sword in your throat is plus two.

693
00:33:51,519 --> 00:33:52,359
They're tens now.

694
00:33:52,759 --> 00:33:54,599
Speaker 1: Uh. But like the other it's just funny too.

695
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,000
Speaker 2: You're like, what, but Alexandrios, don't you want to be

696
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:02,599
a footnote in history and maybe be stabbed with your

697
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,559
name would be in a book no one reads. No, No,

698
00:34:05,799 --> 00:34:08,800
I want to fucking die anonymously. Good lord, I'm so

699
00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,280
rich right now. Why would I care?

700
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,239
Speaker 1: You will be a footnote if you just avoid it. Yeah, like,

701
00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,880
oh yeah, that's his brother. He had a he was

702
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,599
a sweet thing. He was sweet. That's a footnote. Yeah,

703
00:34:19,639 --> 00:34:21,159
you don't want to know most of these guys are footnote.

704
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:22,840
You don't know who these people are. Yeah, but they

705
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,199
at least have like a paragraph or a chapter. Being

706
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:27,800
a footnote is just like yeah, yeah, I was around.

707
00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:29,960
Speaker 3: I mean this guy we're talking about We've got a

708
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,679
whole podcast on this guy. Yeah, you got a whole

709
00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:33,639
podcast we got.

710
00:34:33,599 --> 00:34:37,280
Speaker 1: He's not dying in Coco universe. Ye, yeah, he's got

711
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:38,079
to be still around.

712
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,119
Speaker 2: That's actually that's the only way you could make me,

713
00:34:40,880 --> 00:34:43,440
uh move up to the maybe be stabbed in the throats.

714
00:34:43,440 --> 00:34:45,719
Like the important thing is Coco is one hundred percent

715
00:34:45,800 --> 00:34:49,159
based on fact, and you will live forever if.

716
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:50,599
Speaker 3: You do well.

717
00:34:50,599 --> 00:34:52,639
Speaker 1: The thing is too the only people we know throughout

718
00:34:52,679 --> 00:34:59,440
history are nine violent. Yeah, an aggressor in some capacity,

719
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:00,400
almost all all of them.

720
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,079
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's no ca I mean like there's no king

721
00:35:04,199 --> 00:35:06,639
without innocent bodies.

722
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,800
Speaker 1: Like, oh yeah, he was just a really cool guy.

723
00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:13,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, the king that presided over peacetime doesn't make history books.

724
00:35:13,599 --> 00:35:15,519
Speaker 2: No, sure, Well, even the king that presids of a

725
00:35:15,519 --> 00:35:17,960
peace time probably kills like a couple thousand innocent people

726
00:35:18,079 --> 00:35:18,880
just on accident.

727
00:35:19,039 --> 00:35:22,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, even Baldwin had to kill people, right right.

728
00:35:22,039 --> 00:35:26,400
Speaker 2: Right, It's like a president like everyone's like you know, like,

729
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:28,480
oh I like Obama, I hate Trump.

730
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,039
Speaker 1: Or they all have blood on their hands or reversed.

731
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:35,320
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter. They all have killed like definitely innocent people.

732
00:35:35,599 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 1: Like for sure.

733
00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 3: Obama did drum strikes all the time. He just didn't

734
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:44,159
talk about it. Trump will tweet him blowing up a boat, right,

735
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:47,159
and then Obama was just like, look at my jump shot,

736
00:35:47,199 --> 00:35:49,960
look at my look at not just and then he

737
00:35:50,039 --> 00:35:51,840
made it and then he'd be like, Okay, go go

738
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,239
drum strike this fucking area.

739
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:54,760
Speaker 1: Yea, yeah, Obama did.

740
00:35:54,639 --> 00:35:55,519
Speaker 3: So many drum strikes.

741
00:35:55,519 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 1: But you have never heard about so many weddings scut

742
00:35:57,519 --> 00:35:57,920
blown out.

743
00:35:58,000 --> 00:36:01,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, so many weddings, so many innocent people died. Ye

744
00:36:02,519 --> 00:36:04,840
yeah Trump, Yeah, The only difference is just the rhetoric

745
00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:09,039
around it. Obama basically buried it and so no one

746
00:36:09,079 --> 00:36:10,480
brought it up. Trump tweets it.

747
00:36:10,599 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: The point.

748
00:36:11,119 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 2: The point is is that no leader like ever basically

749
00:36:16,159 --> 00:36:19,880
is without sweet innocent blood all over there.

750
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: So mikey five, super paranoid, sees Harold as a threat.

751
00:36:26,039 --> 00:36:29,719
Of course he does. This giant Viking man. He's not

752
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:31,199
sent to protect me. He's gonna kill me.

753
00:36:31,280 --> 00:36:36,760
Speaker 2: Who has no ambitions for the Eastern Empire, No, none.

754
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:38,840
Speaker 1: He's just trying to get some money. He's trying to

755
00:36:38,880 --> 00:36:42,280
get paid, chilling. He's happy, he's alive, back to Norway.

756
00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:45,840
He's just right now. He's simply in grime mode. Don't

757
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,199
know why you would. Seems like this life is better.

758
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:53,519
It's a pretty good life. Yeah, and he's good at it, right. Yeah,

759
00:36:53,559 --> 00:36:57,440
so he sends a bunch of assassins to kill Harold

760
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:01,840
and his guard doesn't work out. Yeah, seems like a mistake,

761
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:02,760
doesn't work out.

762
00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:09,480
Speaker 2: Like imagine imagine getting on the dark web and hiring

763
00:37:10,119 --> 00:37:14,519
a couple assassins to go kill Delta Force, and you

764
00:37:14,599 --> 00:37:18,320
can pretty much picture what this asshole just tried to do.

765
00:37:20,199 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 1: Michael also had his adopted mother, Zoe, arrested, cut off

766
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,079
her hair, shame in her as a whore, and sent

767
00:37:27,119 --> 00:37:29,840
her in chains to a remote island to become a nun.

768
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:34,039
Speaker 2: Well, I can't say the charges don't stick.

769
00:37:35,039 --> 00:37:40,320
Speaker 1: Check it out. They don't, because it turns out the

770
00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:41,760
business teams really love Zoe.

771
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying I'm not arguing

772
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:48,440
about her popularity. I'm saying she definitely had side Dick

773
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:49,840
and then had Side Dick murder.

774
00:37:50,360 --> 00:37:54,199
Speaker 1: Yeah, main like the horror charges, she is an old whore. Yeah,

775
00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:59,480
the whole the horr charge is fine, it's sure or legend.

776
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,559
I mean, look, you do you girl, But I'm just

777
00:38:02,639 --> 00:38:06,079
saying she fucked her out. Yeah, I mean a guy

778
00:38:06,159 --> 00:38:09,000
literally ascended the throne because he just laid it down

779
00:38:09,039 --> 00:38:09,440
so good.

780
00:38:09,559 --> 00:38:11,559
Speaker 2: Right, And the thing is actually is that it's all

781
00:38:11,599 --> 00:38:15,519
forgivable if she doesn't murder the her husband for it,

782
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:17,960
like I don't. I would only I'm only dropping horror

783
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:21,079
because she murdered a guy for side piece.

784
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:25,000
Speaker 1: So the Byzantines riot. Michael is forced to bring her

785
00:38:25,079 --> 00:38:28,239
back and try to calm the crowds. This doesn't work,

786
00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:33,440
and the mob storms the palace. They stormed the capital, yep, yep.

787
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:38,960
They looted gold, tapestries and anything they could get their

788
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:44,400
hands on, including Michael, who was cowering in the corner. Like, oh,

789
00:38:44,559 --> 00:38:48,679
he was dragged out on his paranoia was well justified. No, no,

790
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,679
he's none of this happens if he doesn't try to

791
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:56,639
kill Harold and also just really cause a riot by

792
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,400
sending away the loved queen. Yeah, he brought that on

793
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:00,440
himself that point.

794
00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,760
Speaker 3: Well, maybe he was paranoid because he knew that shit

795
00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:04,519
was gonna happen.

796
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,360
Speaker 1: You know, he caused it. It was a self fulfilling prophecy.

797
00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:10,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it was a cell phone. He was confused.

798
00:39:11,039 --> 00:39:13,119
Let's just go back to Pokemon. I mean he was confused,

799
00:39:13,159 --> 00:39:14,800
and in his confusion he hurt himself.

800
00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:17,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, well I was just saying, was he paranoid

801
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:20,760
before or after? He ordered all that stuff before?

802
00:39:21,159 --> 00:39:24,559
Speaker 1: Okay, so he was, well he ordered these things because

803
00:39:24,559 --> 00:39:25,199
he was paranoid.

804
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,519
Speaker 3: Yeah, the man is an idiot.

805
00:39:28,239 --> 00:39:30,480
Speaker 1: So he's dragged out into the streets, into the walls

806
00:39:30,480 --> 00:39:35,280
of Constantinople, where one Harold emerges from the crowd and

807
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,440
does their bidden First, he plucks out Michael's eyes with

808
00:39:39,480 --> 00:39:44,800
a dagger. Good lord. Then in front of the entire crowd,

809
00:39:46,119 --> 00:39:47,039
castrates a man.

810
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:51,480
Speaker 3: Oh, he cuts his just the dick anballs.

811
00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:51,800
Speaker 1: Dick and balls.

812
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:53,960
Speaker 2: And by the way, this is like, this is like

813
00:39:54,039 --> 00:39:55,679
the this is TV for.

814
00:39:55,639 --> 00:39:56,920
Speaker 1: Them, you know what I mean.

815
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:58,519
Speaker 3: They're like, they don't go this is great.

816
00:39:58,599 --> 00:40:00,840
Speaker 2: They don't They don't get to see sho this every day.

817
00:40:01,039 --> 00:40:03,599
Speaker 1: Also, you might have like made it out with like

818
00:40:03,639 --> 00:40:07,639
a gold plate from the palace. You're eating good that day?

819
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:11,360
Yeah yeah, you sell that plate. You made a little money.

820
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:12,639
And then you get to see a guy get his

821
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,000
eyes poked out and then his dick cut off. It's

822
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:20,199
a good day. I'll be telling this story literally for

823
00:40:20,239 --> 00:40:22,320
the rest of our life. Children, for the rest of

824
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:22,639
your life.

825
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:23,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, how I got this gold plate?

826
00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:26,159
Speaker 1: Kids? Like the way we're like, yeah, so much so

827
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,599
that it made it all the way to Wikipedia. Yeah,

828
00:40:29,039 --> 00:40:31,079
like the way the way that we're like, Yeah, I

829
00:40:31,119 --> 00:40:33,159
remember Tom Brady's first Super Bowl.

830
00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,199
Speaker 3: Boy, I was there king castration.

831
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember Michael Jordan's shot against the Jazz Like

832
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:41,239
it's like, yeah, I was there when they cut his

833
00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,159
fucking dick off, this little red So.

834
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:46,320
Speaker 3: You were there, you were at the game, this little

835
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,400
red splotch of blood and the gold plate that was

836
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:49,320
from his shaft.

837
00:40:51,079 --> 00:40:52,199
Speaker 1: I'm never washing this plate.

838
00:40:52,239 --> 00:40:53,840
Speaker 2: You think he threw it into the crowd like a

839
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:56,039
bouquet at a wedding.

840
00:40:56,320 --> 00:40:57,079
Speaker 3: Close their eyes.

841
00:40:58,199 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I hope.

842
00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:02,239
Speaker 3: So one of imagines the next person who gets that

843
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:03,840
dick gets married.

844
00:41:05,199 --> 00:41:09,880
Speaker 1: That works. So they send Michael to monastery where he

845
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:13,639
would die months later from a monastery to do what

846
00:41:14,760 --> 00:41:19,360
to repent? All right, and then he dies anyway because

847
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:21,960
he's just like, so fucked a couple open wounds, we'll

848
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,039
do that. Yeah.

849
00:41:23,199 --> 00:41:25,400
Speaker 3: Oh he's so he survived that.

850
00:41:26,039 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 1: Kill him, Jesus. They just embarrassed him and tortured him.

851
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,119
Speaker 3: Oh god, he probably wishes he had died.

852
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:41,519
Speaker 1: Zoe was then giving back the throne. So Zoe's sole empress. Now, yeah, okay,

853
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,440
she remarries oh shortly after Yeah, sure went out. You

854
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:47,320
have to Yeah, gotta get a man. Yeah, he's got

855
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:50,639
to call the shots. She's controlling everything, but gotta have

856
00:41:50,679 --> 00:41:52,840
at least a a puppet.

857
00:41:53,039 --> 00:41:55,199
Speaker 2: And for that I actually respect her if the reason,

858
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:57,719
although it sounds like her first or second husband, I

859
00:41:57,719 --> 00:42:00,480
should say, was calling shots himself. Ryeah, he was okay,

860
00:42:00,519 --> 00:42:03,559
So she didn't marry him to make him a puppet necessarily.

861
00:42:03,679 --> 00:42:09,599
Speaker 1: I think she loved him fair enough. Harold became extremely

862
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:12,199
rich during this time in the East and would routinely

863
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:15,320
send his wealth back to euroslav the Wise and Kief.

864
00:42:16,679 --> 00:42:21,000
Harold requested to be allowed to return to Norway, but

865
00:42:21,119 --> 00:42:26,920
Zoe she didn't want her best protector to leave. He's

866
00:42:26,960 --> 00:42:29,119
too good. He's too good at his job. Yeah, we

867
00:42:29,159 --> 00:42:32,079
can't lose you. So he has to fucking sneak out

868
00:42:32,119 --> 00:42:36,519
of Constantinople. Damn, he's like going to never want to

869
00:42:36,519 --> 00:42:40,679
be too nice. He's he's an illegal emigrant. Yeah, he

870
00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:43,079
was not allowed to leave the country, and he had.

871
00:42:43,039 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 3: A sneak immigrant. This is that you never want to

872
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:48,880
be the best of your job. They they always turned

873
00:42:48,880 --> 00:42:51,639
to you for all the bullshit. Yeah, he end up

874
00:42:51,679 --> 00:42:52,880
working more hours.

875
00:42:53,119 --> 00:42:55,519
Speaker 1: So he escapes back to Keevan Russ Later in ten

876
00:42:55,679 --> 00:42:59,639
forty two, now with some assets, he was able to

877
00:42:59,639 --> 00:43:05,000
secure marriage with one of Euroslav's daughters, Elizabeth, a younger one.

878
00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:10,360
I think it's the same one. Okay, he's older at

879
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:14,119
the time. She was young when he first requested it. Yeah,

880
00:43:14,159 --> 00:43:16,159
but he was doing it for power, was like attracted

881
00:43:16,159 --> 00:43:18,039
to her. But I think you know, he goes back,

882
00:43:18,079 --> 00:43:20,280
He's like, oh shit, you've grown up? What up girl?

883
00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:22,559
What old girl? Where's that little nine year old? I

884
00:43:22,599 --> 00:43:28,639
remember you're fourteen? Yeah, grumor still kind of young. You know,

885
00:43:28,679 --> 00:43:33,639
he's in his twenties. Okay, so not tood.

886
00:43:33,639 --> 00:43:35,920
Speaker 3: It's done so much for only being in his twenties.

887
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, good lord, what a life. I've done nothing talking

888
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,880
about better men than myself, That's all I've done. Yeah.

889
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:47,079
Speaker 3: How many dicks have you cut off? How many eyeballs

890
00:43:47,079 --> 00:43:47,840
have you godged out?

891
00:43:48,440 --> 00:43:52,519
Speaker 1: Zero? Yeah, you better get on that goose egg getting

892
00:43:52,559 --> 00:43:56,280
shut out? Right? Not great? I'll write that my twenty

893
00:43:56,320 --> 00:44:00,400
twenty six goals your manifests. Yeah, I'll make that happened.

894
00:44:00,760 --> 00:44:02,039
Speaker 2: I could tell when of my kids look at me,

895
00:44:02,079 --> 00:44:03,840
they're like, you haven't cut off anyone's dick.

896
00:44:04,159 --> 00:44:05,880
Speaker 3: I don't really, Staddy, I don't respect you.

897
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,199
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd be like, if it's sending consolation kids, I've

898
00:44:08,239 --> 00:44:10,199
cleaned all Jacob stat.

899
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:13,199
Speaker 3: At school, Jacob is school. His dad's jeez, Jacob Steady's

900
00:44:13,239 --> 00:44:14,159
dad cut off.

901
00:44:14,159 --> 00:44:18,400
Speaker 2: Three dicks, Like I've cleaned all your dick wounds. If

902
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:21,079
that helps real quick. Before we keep going, we do

903
00:44:21,159 --> 00:44:23,639
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931
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they have GLP one support diet, ready to eat salads.

932
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933
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934
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937
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938
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,599
that I'm trying to be on. I just like want

939
00:46:13,679 --> 00:46:16,760
normal food because what I used to do and it

940
00:46:16,760 --> 00:46:19,199
costs way more money, is eat a lot of like

941
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fast casual like Chipotle and stuff like that. Right, like

942
00:46:21,639 --> 00:46:23,280
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943
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945
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946
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947
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948
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949
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,360
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950
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952
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955
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956
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because I have kids and jobs.

957
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960
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961
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969
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Speaker 1: So he secures an alliance with Youroslav through this marriage,

970
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:45,000
and he decides, you know what, fuck Magnus, I'm going

971
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:48,639
to reclaim my throne in Norway on behalf of ole Off.

972
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:53,000
All right, good, it's like Magnus is a bastard anyway. Yeah,

973
00:47:53,880 --> 00:47:55,440
it's not Olof's real air.

974
00:47:57,199 --> 00:47:59,639
Speaker 2: And also he never got scared by hole Off like me,

975
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:02,280
bet because yeah, I didn't get scared when I was three.

976
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,639
Speaker 1: I didn't. I don't know. I don't remember when that happened,

977
00:48:04,639 --> 00:48:07,280
but I heard I was pretty sweet. He also wanted

978
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:10,800
to get revenge on the guy that literally cut Aloft's

979
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,360
throat that was now just sitting in the court for

980
00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:16,880
Magnets right. Harold began his journey westward in early ten

981
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:21,719
forty five and met with Sween and the Swedish king

982
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:26,440
a nun Jacob, to join forces against his nephew, Magnus.

983
00:48:27,320 --> 00:48:32,159
Swhen Estridsen had just been defeated in Denmark and was

984
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:36,039
kind of, you know, picking up the pieces, so he

985
00:48:36,079 --> 00:48:39,199
still has an axe to grind. You go to him,

986
00:48:39,599 --> 00:48:43,119
You go to the king of Sweden. He joined forces,

987
00:48:43,159 --> 00:48:45,880
and you're like, all right, we're gonna take Norway. Let's

988
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:51,400
go instead of going to war, though Magnus's advisers recommended

989
00:48:51,440 --> 00:48:55,519
the young king not fight his uncle, and a compromise

990
00:48:55,639 --> 00:48:58,599
was reached in ten forty six in which Harold would

991
00:48:58,639 --> 00:49:04,119
rule Norway, not Denmark, jointly with Magnus, though Magnus would

992
00:49:04,119 --> 00:49:04,800
have final.

993
00:49:04,599 --> 00:49:07,280
Speaker 3: Say, Mmm, he's not gonna like that.

994
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:10,119
Speaker 1: Yeah, they agreed to it.

995
00:49:10,159 --> 00:49:11,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, it sounds like he takes the deal. I feel

996
00:49:11,679 --> 00:49:13,079
like it takes the deal. It takes the deal.

997
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,679
Speaker 1: He also agreed that he would share half of his

998
00:49:15,760 --> 00:49:18,440
wealth that he made when he was in Constantinople with Magnus.

999
00:49:18,679 --> 00:49:21,840
Speaker 3: What dude's a pretty agreeable guy. Yeah, good lord for

1000
00:49:22,079 --> 00:49:24,199
someone who cuts Dick's off and gouges out of it.

1001
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:25,760
Speaker 1: I mean, it is still his nephew at the end

1002
00:49:25,800 --> 00:49:27,840
of the day. Yeah, I guess it's a kid. Yeah,

1003
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:30,800
it probably feels, you know, like I can't, you know,

1004
00:49:30,920 --> 00:49:34,559
slit this preteen's throat. It's not his fault.

1005
00:49:35,679 --> 00:49:39,079
Speaker 2: Not that that ever stopped anyone ever in history, but

1006
00:49:39,159 --> 00:49:40,280
it's not his fault.

1007
00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:44,400
Speaker 1: During their short co rule, Harold and Magnus had separate

1008
00:49:44,440 --> 00:49:46,960
courts and kept to themselves for the most part, and

1009
00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:51,440
their only recorded meeting nearly ended in a fight less

1010
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,360
than a year into their co rule. Though Magnus dies

1011
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:58,639
from a fever without an air before his death, he

1012
00:49:58,719 --> 00:50:03,320
decided that when was to inherit Denmark and Harold was

1013
00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:07,079
given full control of Norway, so he got what he wanted.

1014
00:50:09,880 --> 00:50:12,880
Nothing nefarious. Yeah, kid just dies of a fever. That's

1015
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:16,360
normally a fever. After that's just you just Harold poisoned him.

1016
00:50:16,440 --> 00:50:18,440
Speaker 2: You just get a fever. He probably stepped on a

1017
00:50:18,440 --> 00:50:19,400
thorn before.

1018
00:50:19,199 --> 00:50:21,880
Speaker 1: Harold got sick and just coughed on him. Yeah.

1019
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,760
Speaker 2: Also that like this will this is fucking me up

1020
00:50:24,760 --> 00:50:27,159
pretty bad. But this is gonna kill that boy, and

1021
00:50:27,199 --> 00:50:30,400
then you're which is poisoning at that point basically more.

1022
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:33,400
Speaker 1: Or less, yeah, just give him the flu. Harold quickly

1023
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,280
gathered the local leaders in Norway and declared himself king

1024
00:50:36,320 --> 00:50:39,039
of Norway as well as Denmark. Got a little over

1025
00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:42,480
his skis there, why not? He embarked on what would

1026
00:50:42,519 --> 00:50:46,960
turn into constant warfare against his former ally Sween from

1027
00:50:47,199 --> 00:50:52,880
ten forty eight until ten sixty four. Almost yearly he

1028
00:50:52,880 --> 00:50:53,920
would get into conflicts.

1029
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, because he declared himself ruler of de Twen's land too.

1030
00:50:58,239 --> 00:50:59,880
So I was like, dude, I'm in charge of Denmark.

1031
00:51:00,199 --> 00:51:03,280
What are you doing? Like, wasn't Harold so greedy with this?

1032
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:04,800
Why does he want to do Norway?

1033
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:08,239
Speaker 1: What's you get a taste for it?

1034
00:51:08,280 --> 00:51:10,519
Speaker 3: And he's just also he could always be starting.

1035
00:51:10,840 --> 00:51:14,159
Speaker 2: He lived in at was what was I believe at

1036
00:51:14,199 --> 00:51:18,199
the time, probably the best empire, at least in the

1037
00:51:18,239 --> 00:51:22,320
Western world. He sees all that gets back to dingy Norway.

1038
00:51:23,039 --> 00:51:25,440
You know, I didn't like the facilities, he doesn't like

1039
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:28,760
the doesn't like the money. Imperial Yeah, yeah, he wants

1040
00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:29,679
to do some real ship.

1041
00:51:29,679 --> 00:51:31,840
Speaker 3: Well, he's been fighting his whole life. He's like, I'm

1042
00:51:31,840 --> 00:51:34,840
not gonna just stop fighting now that he's in charge.

1043
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:38,280
Speaker 1: So boring peace no, thank.

1044
00:51:38,239 --> 00:51:39,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what happens during peace, You have to

1045
00:51:39,679 --> 00:51:42,719
like talk about taxes and ship ain't talking about that.

1046
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:46,920
Speaker 1: The economy, no, bringing skulls back, dealing with merchants, no

1047
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:47,320
thank you.

1048
00:51:47,400 --> 00:51:53,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, growing a thriving arts scene and focusing on education and.

1049
00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:57,760
Speaker 2: Like, oh, we made many new wonderful quilts this year.

1050
00:51:57,760 --> 00:52:02,360
You should see some a quilting cultures. Oh my god,

1051
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:03,760
I just want to cut off.

1052
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,960
Speaker 1: I want to go. He's not his two brothers that

1053
00:52:08,079 --> 00:52:11,239
just wanted a farm. Yeah, he wanted everything. Yep, he wanted.

1054
00:52:11,239 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 3: I mean, you don't become a great warrior by not

1055
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:14,639
wanting everything.

1056
00:52:14,679 --> 00:52:17,519
Speaker 1: He had ambition, Okay, is that is that a crime?

1057
00:52:20,679 --> 00:52:24,239
It's a very very frequent precursor to crime.

1058
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:29,880
Speaker 3: Ambition is just uh yeah, ambition is is a very

1059
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:33,039
nice thing to call these people. Bloodthirsty might be a

1060
00:52:33,039 --> 00:52:37,320
better term, perhaps tyrannical, especially Harold.

1061
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,400
Speaker 1: When he gets power, it gets to his head. Oh

1062
00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:41,440
pretty quick. Yeah.

1063
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,639
Speaker 2: But when you've wanted a thing for so long and

1064
00:52:44,679 --> 00:52:48,280
then you get it, yeah, you go. You're spiking the

1065
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:49,199
football every day.

1066
00:52:49,239 --> 00:52:52,320
Speaker 1: Because in history he is now known and we'll get

1067
00:52:52,320 --> 00:52:57,079
to it as Harold Hardrata, Yeah, who lost to William

1068
00:52:57,079 --> 00:53:00,719
the Conqueror, right, not William the conquer but its to

1069
00:53:00,920 --> 00:53:06,079
just like Hard, just like Hard Ruler. So that's his name,

1070
00:53:06,159 --> 00:53:10,239
is just Harold Hard Ruler. He's a dickhead, right or no,

1071
00:53:10,519 --> 00:53:13,400
didn't he? He lost to get to it. We'll get

1072
00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:15,119
to it. Who lost to way? We'll get to it.

1073
00:53:15,920 --> 00:53:16,559
We'll get to it.

1074
00:53:16,599 --> 00:53:18,639
Speaker 2: I just remember this from Age of Empires too.

1075
00:53:20,079 --> 00:53:24,440
Speaker 3: I watched The Last Kingdom, and that's about the Saxon Kingdom,

1076
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:28,199
the last remaining part of England that's not under Viking control. Yeah,

1077
00:53:28,519 --> 00:53:30,239
and they hold out for a while.

1078
00:53:30,599 --> 00:53:33,239
Speaker 1: While Harold was victorious in most of his engagements, but

1079
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:37,559
he was never successful in occupying Denmark. Fatigue and huge

1080
00:53:37,599 --> 00:53:41,599
cost of the indecisive battles eventually led Harold to seek

1081
00:53:41,639 --> 00:53:45,480
peace with Sween and the In ten sixty four, the

1082
00:53:45,519 --> 00:53:51,000
two kings agreed on an unconditional peace agreement. He's like, man,

1083
00:53:51,039 --> 00:53:52,880
this is you know, we've been fighting for like twenty

1084
00:53:53,000 --> 00:53:55,800
years now, Like, what are we doing? Let's just wrap

1085
00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:59,840
this up. In the Winner of ten sixty five, Harold

1086
00:54:00,039 --> 00:54:03,519
traveled through his realm and accused the farmers of withholding

1087
00:54:03,599 --> 00:54:07,679
taxes from him. In response, he acted with brutality and

1088
00:54:07,719 --> 00:54:10,840
had people maimed and killed as a warning to those

1089
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:11,880
who disobeyed him.

1090
00:54:12,159 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 2: Well, you can't just cut one dick off.

1091
00:54:14,639 --> 00:54:17,360
Speaker 1: So he got the reputation that gave him the nickname

1092
00:54:17,679 --> 00:54:22,800
hard Rata. Harold also had to win over the aristocracy

1093
00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:26,239
and convince them he was the right person to rule

1094
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:32,760
Norway alone. To establish domestic alliances, he marries another woman

1095
00:54:32,880 --> 00:54:39,079
named Tora Torberger's Dadder whatever. It's a silly name.

1096
00:54:39,400 --> 00:54:46,960
Speaker 2: It's it's an outrageous language that those people speak. It's

1097
00:54:47,039 --> 00:54:50,519
fucking I swear to God, there's like eight normal languages

1098
00:54:50,559 --> 00:54:51,000
on Earth.

1099
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,239
Speaker 1: By the end of ten sixty five, there was peace

1100
00:54:54,280 --> 00:54:59,599
in Norway, as any opposition he had was either killed,

1101
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:04,719
chase into, exiled, or silenced. Excepting he could not conquer Denmark.

1102
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:09,159
Harold then switched his attention to England. His claim was

1103
00:55:09,199 --> 00:55:12,159
based on a ten thirty eight agreement between Magnus and

1104
00:55:12,199 --> 00:55:15,400
the previous ruler, who died childless in ten forty two.

1105
00:55:16,840 --> 00:55:21,039
Harold brought around fifteen thousand men on three hundred long

1106
00:55:21,079 --> 00:55:24,039
ships to England in ten sixty six, and they were

1107
00:55:24,079 --> 00:55:27,079
hidden up coastal towns with little resistance on his way

1108
00:55:27,400 --> 00:55:31,519
to York ten sixty six. Of course, is you know

1109
00:55:31,679 --> 00:55:34,239
fantas here? Yeah, yeah, human history.

1110
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:38,039
Speaker 2: Battle of Hastings probably one of the most what top

1111
00:55:38,079 --> 00:55:39,880
three most important battles in human history?

1112
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:42,159
Speaker 1: I would say it's up there.

1113
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:44,519
Speaker 3: I don't even know what the Battle of York was about.

1114
00:55:44,679 --> 00:55:48,639
Speaker 1: No Battle, not York Hastings. What was that about? Get?

1115
00:55:50,639 --> 00:55:53,159
But little did he know another man was coming for England,

1116
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:59,199
and then Harold Godwinson had to deal with this iconic man,

1117
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:03,719
William the Conquer. Yeah. I think these battles were fought

1118
00:56:03,719 --> 00:56:05,280
like back to back. Yeah they were.

1119
00:56:05,519 --> 00:56:08,840
Speaker 2: And essentially if there had only been one Godwinson might

1120
00:56:08,880 --> 00:56:09,800
have been fine, could have been.

1121
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:14,519
Speaker 1: A triple threat match. Yeah really yeah sick. But unfortunately,

1122
00:56:15,039 --> 00:56:18,800
you know, early on September twenty fifth, Harold brought only

1123
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:21,599
light armor and not as full army as they were

1124
00:56:21,599 --> 00:56:24,639
expecting to just meet with citizens of York, as they

1125
00:56:24,679 --> 00:56:29,079
had agreed the day before at Stanford Bridge to decide

1126
00:56:29,079 --> 00:56:32,760
on who would manage the town under Harold. They were

1127
00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:38,000
caught totally off guard when they encountered King Harold Gobwinson's

1128
00:56:38,039 --> 00:56:44,119
forces approaching. Heavily armored and greatly outnumbered Goblin mode Godwin

1129
00:56:44,199 --> 00:56:49,679
godwins in Goblin like godwins Goblin on God wins, God wins.

1130
00:56:50,679 --> 00:56:55,719
God doesn't win. This time. Harold's army was crushed and

1131
00:56:55,800 --> 00:56:58,719
Harold was struck in the throat by an arrow, dying

1132
00:56:58,840 --> 00:57:01,239
in what would later be known as the Battle of

1133
00:57:01,400 --> 00:57:05,519
Stamford Bridge, or what many considered to be the end

1134
00:57:05,800 --> 00:57:08,360
of the Viking Age. So many consider him to be

1135
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:11,079
the last Viking. They call him the last Viking, okay,

1136
00:57:11,679 --> 00:57:15,480
because his death here kind of just like creates this

1137
00:57:15,559 --> 00:57:19,920
new time frame where the Vikings kind of aren't relevant.

1138
00:57:20,280 --> 00:57:23,760
Speaker 2: Yeah they're not really not really after the same cool bullshit,

1139
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:24,079
but they.

1140
00:57:24,239 --> 00:57:27,079
Speaker 3: They'd already been beat back from it because the Vikings

1141
00:57:27,119 --> 00:57:30,159
at one point conquered most of England different groups.

1142
00:57:30,159 --> 00:57:35,159
Speaker 1: Man later, you're also the Vikings fought internally, and like

1143
00:57:35,199 --> 00:57:38,159
there's you know, Vikings from Denmark, there's Vikings from Norway,

1144
00:57:38,159 --> 00:57:40,320
there's Vikings from Swi. They're all different groups.

1145
00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:44,559
Speaker 2: It's almost like the equivalent of just calling any remotely

1146
00:57:44,559 --> 00:57:47,159
Middle Eastern person like, oh, they're Muslims, you know what

1147
00:57:47,199 --> 00:57:49,599
I mean? Like there's a difference between Persians and era

1148
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:52,440
was the Africans and all which.

1149
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:54,480
Speaker 3: Group of Vikings conquered most of England.

1150
00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:59,039
Speaker 1: Danes. I think we're a bunch. I think the Danes were, Yes,

1151
00:57:59,079 --> 00:58:03,079
it was the Danes. Less than three weeks later he

1152
00:58:03,199 --> 00:58:06,079
comes with the Duke of Normandy. Yeah. Battle of Hastings,

1153
00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:13,159
William the conquer defeats Godwinson takes control, unites England.

1154
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:16,519
Speaker 3: Oh that's why Battle of Hastings is so important.

1155
00:58:16,719 --> 00:58:18,679
Speaker 2: He unites England, England becomes England.

1156
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:21,360
Speaker 1: England becomes England under the Battle of Hastings.

1157
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:28,440
Speaker 2: And then ironically, what nine hundred years later, the English

1158
00:58:28,480 --> 00:58:31,320
invade Normandy and the Americans.

1159
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:36,599
Speaker 1: Poetic And that is the story though, of the last Viking,

1160
00:58:37,519 --> 00:58:43,159
the Thunderbolt, Harold Sigurts and hard Grata, Hard Rata.

1161
00:58:43,400 --> 00:58:45,159
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1162
00:58:45,199 --> 00:58:46,239
Speaker 1: Would you guys learn today?

1163
00:58:47,880 --> 00:58:54,400
Speaker 3: Oh a lot. I never knew about the Vikings teaming

1164
00:58:54,480 --> 00:58:58,760
up with the Byzantine Empire to fight you know, the

1165
00:58:58,840 --> 00:59:02,639
Arranching Guard. Yeah, not to fight the Muslims. And I

1166
00:59:02,639 --> 00:59:07,360
didn't know about, uh, the real life version of wildfire,

1167
00:59:08,159 --> 00:59:10,079
the Greek fires, what was you.

1168
00:59:10,039 --> 00:59:11,400
Speaker 1: Gonna call it? Greek Creek fire?

1169
00:59:11,599 --> 00:59:14,280
Speaker 3: Greek fire, which is just the real life version of

1170
00:59:14,320 --> 00:59:16,360
the wildfire from Game of Thrones that just doesn't burn.

1171
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:19,320
And then they lost the formula. That's crazy.

1172
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:23,199
Speaker 2: I didn't realize actually, So I knew who Harold Hargrotta

1173
00:59:23,239 --> 00:59:26,880
was kind of just basically through playing Age of Empires too,

1174
00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:29,159
but I didn't know his whole backstory at all.

1175
00:59:29,280 --> 00:59:32,159
Speaker 1: Okay, I think he's also probably mentioned throughout English history

1176
00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:36,119
if you grew up in the UK. Yeah, probably probably. Yeah,

1177
00:59:36,159 --> 00:59:37,239
Like I knew Harold Hargrotta.

1178
00:59:37,239 --> 00:59:38,840
Speaker 2: I knew that that the I knew the I forgot

1179
00:59:38,840 --> 00:59:40,400
the name, but I knew the Battle of Stanford Bridge,

1180
00:59:40,400 --> 00:59:42,239
and there was like a couple weeks before Hastings and

1181
00:59:42,599 --> 00:59:44,880
the fact that the English king had to or whatever

1182
00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:47,119
you want to call him. I had to just go

1183
00:59:47,239 --> 00:59:49,039
back to back like a.

1184
00:59:49,559 --> 00:59:54,920
Speaker 1: Yep, like, yeah, we just crushed this, you know, unstoppable force. Yeah,

1185
00:59:55,159 --> 00:59:57,239
oh no, oh god, damn it one.

1186
00:59:57,400 --> 01:00:00,679
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I didn't know his whole backstor I didn't

1187
01:00:00,719 --> 01:00:02,559
know he was ranging guard. I knew who the ranging

1188
01:00:02,599 --> 01:00:04,440
Guard was, I didn't know he was part of it.

1189
01:00:04,559 --> 01:00:06,239
Speaker 1: That's really why I wanted to do it, is because

1190
01:00:06,320 --> 01:00:09,199
the things he did when he wasn't king was way cool.

1191
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:11,800
Speaker 3: The king stuff is yeah, kind of the worst part. Yeah,

1192
01:00:11,840 --> 01:00:13,480
by far, he kind of shipped the bed there.

1193
01:00:13,599 --> 01:00:16,400
Speaker 1: Why do you go back to Norway? Totally different life.

1194
01:00:16,400 --> 01:00:21,079
He should have just taken his Ukrainian queen back to

1195
01:00:21,079 --> 01:00:25,199
the Byzantine Empire, enjoyed a good life. He didn't even

1196
01:00:25,199 --> 01:00:28,119
need a queen. He didn't. He could have just been

1197
01:00:28,119 --> 01:00:32,719
fucking around. He fucked up. He fucked up. He only

1198
01:00:32,719 --> 01:00:36,039
had two One was a Norwegian wife, one was a

1199
01:00:36,280 --> 01:00:37,039
Russian wife.

1200
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:38,360
Speaker 3: Okay, so.

1201
01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:42,559
Speaker 1: All four alliances. That's what marriage was for then?

1202
01:00:42,840 --> 01:00:44,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean did he was? He married to them

1203
01:00:44,920 --> 01:00:45,519
at the same time?

1204
01:00:46,800 --> 01:00:51,320
Speaker 1: I guess technically? Yeah, they ain't like divorce. Yeah, he's Christian.

1205
01:00:51,599 --> 01:00:55,000
Speaker 2: Different times, different zip codes, you know, different hoes in

1206
01:00:55,079 --> 01:00:58,159
different areas or different area codes. I should say zip codes, funny,

1207
01:00:58,199 --> 01:01:00,880
you can just cheat on your wife like eight blocks is.

1208
01:01:01,400 --> 01:01:05,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, area code is the more important. Who's today's to

1209
01:01:05,360 --> 01:01:06,199
keep them separated?

1210
01:01:06,719 --> 01:01:09,519
Speaker 2: Today's hitler, I don't know if they're I mean, Hargrotta

1211
01:01:09,559 --> 01:01:12,440
sounds like a yeah, he sounds like I think power

1212
01:01:12,880 --> 01:01:13,920
power is today Taylor.

1213
01:01:14,039 --> 01:01:15,280
Speaker 1: Power ruins a good man.

1214
01:01:15,840 --> 01:01:18,840
Speaker 2: Just don't just be happy what you have, especially because

1215
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:23,360
for every man that does truly great things, even if

1216
01:01:23,400 --> 01:01:26,760
there is casualties to it. And I think like America

1217
01:01:26,840 --> 01:01:28,760
is a great country. But there's been sins, of course.

1218
01:01:29,039 --> 01:01:34,360
But uh, for every like great person, there's like forty

1219
01:01:34,880 --> 01:01:38,480
one hundred two hundred who try to be great, commit

1220
01:01:38,559 --> 01:01:42,480
all the sins that the great guys commit, but don't

1221
01:01:42,559 --> 01:01:43,119
end up great.

1222
01:01:44,400 --> 01:01:49,159
Speaker 1: So yeah, power power. Yeah. Anyway, that's our episode for today.

1223
01:01:49,440 --> 01:01:51,440
Make sure it checks out on Patreon, pageron dot com,

1224
01:01:51,440 --> 01:01:54,400
slash software history. We got two additional episodes every week

1225
01:01:54,480 --> 01:01:57,840
that drop Wednesday and Friday, and at this point four

1226
01:01:57,840 --> 01:02:03,039
plus years of Evergreen content. Sign up today eight dollars

1227
01:02:04,280 --> 01:02:07,320
a month. That's all it cost, two episodes a week

1228
01:02:07,559 --> 01:02:10,719
for your Evergreen back catalog. Also, we have a higher tier.

1229
01:02:11,119 --> 01:02:13,400
We do a sports show if you're interested in that.

1230
01:02:14,599 --> 01:02:16,920
Speaker 3: These are thick episodes too, right, We're talking hour, hour

1231
01:02:16,960 --> 01:02:19,079
and a half episode. Yeah, Yeah, a lot of content.

1232
01:02:19,239 --> 01:02:20,599
Speaker 1: It's a lot of content. I got a meat on

1233
01:02:20,599 --> 01:02:22,079
them bone, a lot of different stuff.

1234
01:02:22,199 --> 01:02:26,199
Speaker 2: It's just you getting a shit ton of Evergreen content.

1235
01:02:26,599 --> 01:02:29,079
But you can pick through whatever you want at this point.

1236
01:02:29,119 --> 01:02:30,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, some episodes are fifty five minutes though, so I

1237
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:34,719
don't want to overpromise. Yeah, we're going I'll tell you what.

1238
01:02:34,760 --> 01:02:37,199
It's between fifty and an hour and a half. Pretty

1239
01:02:37,239 --> 01:02:39,719
cool we shoot for yeah, you know, sometimes we get crazy.

1240
01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:41,760
Sometimes we'll have Jake on and he'll go it to it.

1241
01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:45,199
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, So make sure to check that out.

1242
01:02:45,559 --> 01:02:49,159
We love you guys. If you're just joining us, If

1243
01:02:49,159 --> 01:02:51,800
you made it this far, thank you. Hope to see

1244
01:02:51,800 --> 01:02:55,199
you back and Boosh, thanks for joining us. Man always

1245
01:02:55,199 --> 01:03:01,199
a pleasure, appreciate it. Yep. For Alex Buscemi, Rob Fox,

1246
01:03:01,519 --> 01:03:03,199
I'm Damnadgester. You just got saucered