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Speaker 1: I'm Joy Pulman, the executive editor at The Federalist, joining

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me for another Federalist Radio hour as Adam Coleman. He

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is the founder of Wrong Speak Publishing and the author

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of both Black Victim to Black Victor and the newly

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released book The Children We Left Behind. That second book

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is out this week and it's why I have Adam

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with us today. Adam, welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

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Speaker 1: So there's a lot in this book and I actually

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had to sometimes put it down reading it just because

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the emotional weight of it is too difficult for me.

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And I was wondering about I mean, well, why don't

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you just start with giving our listeners, you know, maybe

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whatever summary of kind of the life story that ye're

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unfolding in this book that you want to present to

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them as a starting point, and then explain why you

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really needed to share these you know, sometimes dark and

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there's absolutely a lot of hope in the book too,

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you know, but this difficult kind of background that you have, Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I.

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Speaker 3: The best way to kind of explain my childhood has

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been inconsistent and at times chaotic, So you know, I

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grew up with my mother and my sister.

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Speaker 2: You know, I was born in Detroit. We left Detroit

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when I was.

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Speaker 3: I think around six or so, and we moved to Virginia,

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and then about a year later we moved to New York,

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up state New York. So like we were moving a lot,

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and actually that was that's like the theme of much

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of my my childhood and actually my adult life, just

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moving a lot, not feeling a sense of home. On

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top of that, you know, when I was younger, we

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were holmost twice for different reasons.

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Speaker 2: And yeah, all that for.

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Speaker 3: Any child's experience while not having their father around, to

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be unsure if you're loved, cared for, to have that

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person to rely on, even economically, emotionally, all these different things.

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You know, it's very clear in one of the particular

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chapters where I describe me having a mental breakdown and

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being admitted into a mental hospital at the age.

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Speaker 1: Of eight, very young, very.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, very young. And listen, and my mother admitted

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me because this was the professional advice that was given

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at the time. You know, this is the early nineties.

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So whether that's the right decision or not is a

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different story. I've had people say that it's actually a

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bad decision, you know, that just re traumatized as a

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child and makes it far worse that talk therapy is

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far more preferable, which I.

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Speaker 2: Tend to agree with.

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Speaker 3: But I never harbored any sort of resentment towards my mother,

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was angry at her even when I was a kid

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for that experience.

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Speaker 2: For much of my.

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Speaker 3: Life, I kind of just blocked out that that happened.

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But just like anything else, when you try to block

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it out, it it doesn't actually go away. Just trying

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to think about it, it still affects you. And so

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you know, throughout this book, even just in the process

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of writing this book, I'm confronting those things so I

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can resolve it. That's how I've gotten better, That's how

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I've grown in my life is by confronting these things.

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And it's a struggle, and it's hard to talk about.

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It's hard to confront these things, you know, Telling the

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truth about how you feel sometimes makes other people uncomfortable. Yeah,

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you know, it takes me uncomfortable at times. It doesn't

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give me pleasure to conclude that my father never loved me,

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you know, So it's it's something very difficult to to

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come to these particular conclusions. But I think that the

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truth and I can't be afraid of the truth. I

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think actually that's the only way that I can heal,

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like you know, confronting the truth.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. And I when I, you know, reading more of

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your story, because I've followed you for quite some time

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at Wrong Speak several several years now, because you have

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such fresh perspectives there from you and from your writers.

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And but I what I was listening or you know,

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listening to you speak through the book, I was just

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struck by. I really think that there's many, many children,

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you know, who feel the way that you expressed or

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along similar lines, and not very many of them are

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able to grow into capable adults who can give a

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coherent account and, like you said, confront those difficult things.

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You know, you point out in the book that you

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know many many you know of of our criminal class.

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You know of the people who you know are in

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homeless on the streets. You know, people who are struggling

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in their lives have childhoods like you did, and so

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they don't have, you know, an articulate voice to be

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able to say, somebody look at you know, the issues

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of parental abandonment, of the lack of family formation that

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really are at the root of so many people's very

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deep pain. And so I thought that one of the

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remarkable aspects of the book is that you went through

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what so many of those people who are unable to

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speak for themselves have, and yet you have a very

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well developed voice. You have a very strong, manly voice

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that comes through. I also found that striking in the book.

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And so can you kind of tell me a little

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bit about do you?

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Speaker 2: You know?

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Speaker 1: Do you what are your reflections the you know, the

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thought that you are not the only little boy in

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America feeling this way. There are millions more like you,

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and and you're right, you know they it's it's not

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like they just are all in a cave somewhere not

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affecting other people. But you know, when their pain spills over,

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it typically hurts other people. They don't, you know, they

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don't tend to grow up and become contributing, self controlled

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adults like you or managed to do.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: The the the criminal that is breaking into your house

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is not a happy person.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: The person who is violating someone else is not a

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happy person. The child or the teenager who's drinking and

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doing drugs is not happy. You know, every drug user

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that I've come across, even just watching documentary pieces and

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things of that nature, they always say the same thing,

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they started using when they were teenagers. Now, why would

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a teenager be to start, you seeing drugs? And it's

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because they're trying to manage something. They're trying to cope

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with something. It's not always like when I was a kid,

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they always painted the only reason a.

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Speaker 2: Kid who want to use drugs is because you know,

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peer pressure.

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Speaker 3: And it's like, no, because I was around drugs and

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I made choices not to and my friends never tried

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to push me, but they did it.

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Speaker 2: But when I look back at them.

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Speaker 3: Many of them had, like I would say, harder life

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issues than I did. Everyone's issue is is different, right,

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So I've been told not to like compare, like, oh,

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your your trauma's worse than mine. But you know, I

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have a friend at the age of sixteen, you know,

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we were friends, and he disappeared for a while and

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he was in rehab for alcohols and he ended up

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dying from an I guess you could say an accident,

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an overdose.

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Speaker 2: In his early thirties. And you know, the people who

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gave him the drugs actually got prosecuted.

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Speaker 3: It was two of his dealers were prosecuted because of

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his death. I didn't know he was using. I didn't

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know he was still using. And you know, this is

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a guy outside like if you just saw him, you know,

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he looks a little rough, but the kindest heart, like

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you do anything for his friends.

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Speaker 2: And I think.

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Speaker 3: About him every so often. I miss him, and I

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know that he was struggling at home. There were things

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that were happening inside of his home and that's why

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he was drinking, and that's what he was struggling with. Yeah,

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there are so many young people who become adults who

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are struggling with rejection. They feel rejected. They felt rejected

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at home. It's a familiar feeling that they don't like.

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And then they go on into the world and they

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carry that of rejection. So something doesn't go their way,

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which life happens, You don't get everything you wanted.

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Speaker 2: It's that constant feeling of rejection.

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Speaker 3: Then they put everything into the external maybe if this

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person loves me, so they run towards anyone who accept them,

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and often that leads to even more issues. Even more

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people who are rejecting you. This constant cycle that eats

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away at your hope. So it's something that's far deeper. Obviously,

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like the big examples of homelessness, drug addiction, all that,

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but most people obviously coming from broken family situations with

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a divorce or single parent homes like me, don't do

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those things. I never got into issues with the law.

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I never did drugs. I didn't even drink. I was

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actually very afraid to get any part of that. Didn't

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do a recognitionally, I actually didn't even start drinking into

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my thirties, so I stayed away from all that stuff.

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Speaker 2: Well, I suffered. I suffered a lot. You know.

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Speaker 3: I struggled with suicidal ideation well into my twenties, you know,

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so I struggled with all of these different things, getting

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my life together, figuring out how I want to structure my.

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Speaker 2: Life, how to become a man.

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Speaker 3: I had so many areas where I lacked because I

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didn't have anyone to give me guidance on how to

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become a man. Meanwhile, I'm trying to raise my son

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to become a man. So it was a lot of

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trial and error, a lot of mistakes, and you know,

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by the grace of God, I didn't do anything that

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I can't take back that would negatively affect my son today.

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Speaker 2: So in some ways I feel lucky.

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Speaker 3: Some ways, I feel like it's a miracle that I

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didn't go down particular road and I could have, you know,

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but I just didn't make certain choices.

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Speaker 1: Now, I think a lot of people know, you know

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that you know, criminals, homeless addicts come you know, from

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neglect and abuse as children. But I think a lot

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of people also don't know what it's possible to do

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about it. And you do write about this also in

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the book Kind of You. You encourage people really and

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I think you also yourself apply social pressure to people

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who are, you know, making decisions to neglect and abandon

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their kids, their families and their duties. What kind of

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do you think are the options available for addressing the

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you know, the fact that it hurt people, hurt people,

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and you know kids who are hurt at home, not

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all of them, you know, but the disproportionate numbers of

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them do grow up to become people that taxpayers have

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to pay for in one way or another.

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Speaker 3: Right, Well, I do think that we do need to

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lean on forgiveness as well.

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Speaker 2: There's no perfect parent. I'm not a perfect parent me neither.

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You know, there's no such thing.

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Speaker 3: And so I don't want anyone to take anything away

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from this book as me chastising parents and I'm the

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perfect parent.

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Speaker 2: You're all doing it wrong. That's not the point.

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Speaker 3: The point is that we make mistakes, but we have

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to acknowledge that we're making mistakes so we can change it.

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You know, there's a chapter in there where I talk

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about I was spanked as a kid, and when I

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had my son.

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Speaker 2: I would pop him, but I didn't like it.

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Speaker 3: So I made the conscious choice to not do it

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because I saw that there was something wrong with it.

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And so I initially was doing the wrong thing in

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my opinion, and so I changed my behavior. I recognized

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what I was doing, I saw it was a mistake,

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and I changed my behavior and had a great relationship

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with my son. Always been well behaved, open line of

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communication with my son to this day. So I'm not

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a perfect parent whatsoever. I do think that there is

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a bit of protectionism from allowing parents to recognize that.

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Speaker 2: They're doing something wrong.

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Speaker 3: The idea that your friend must affirm all your decisions

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that you're doing. Oh, you know, what, I'm just going

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to divorce my husband and I'm just going to.

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Speaker 2: Go halfway across the country. Oh okay, yeah.

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Speaker 1: You response you right?

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Speaker 2: Yeah exactly? Power right, or power or or.

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Speaker 3: The husband who says, you know what, I'll see them

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every other weekend.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, oh okay, you know what. You're an involved father.

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Great job.

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Speaker 3: At least you see them every other weekend. Some fathers

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don't see their kids at all. Like it's just this

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lowering of a bar as to how involved men should

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be with their kids. You know, I love my son tremendously.

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I didn't have issues with his mother. We co parented great.

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But it's will not the ideal situation. I would never

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advocate for my son. A matter of fact, I have

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told my son, don't do it like how I did it.

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Speaker 2: Right. There's anoun.

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Speaker 1: That takes a tremendous amount of humility, a virtue that

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is in very short supply today.

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Speaker 2: Well that yeah, and that's the problem.

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Speaker 3: There's there's an unwillingness to point out your flaws and

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talk about your flaws because even from a Christian standpoint,

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we all sin, we all we all do something that

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is wrong. There's a humility aspect, right, if you don't

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recognize that you sin, then you believe that you don't

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do anything wrong. So then nothing changes, nothing improves, and

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you're just living a lie. So I'd must rather live

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in truth then be, you know, have people affirm a

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lie that I've conjured up myself where people are putting

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onto me. So I think what I'm trying to attempt

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to do is have have an honest reflection as to

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what people are doing, or at least to have them question.

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You know, when when.

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Speaker 2: I'm talking about being a selfish parent, I'm giving these

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giving these reasons or these examples of what a selfish

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parent does and how they approach these things. You can't

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help but to think like, ooh, am I a selfish parent?

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Speaker 1: I did, for sure, right, and maybe you.

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Speaker 3: Aren't, or maybe there was a time that you did

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sometimes a bit selfish.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a spectrum, right, none of us is perfect,

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and so you know, I try to be always horribly selfish,

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but of course I am selfish regularly, right, right, And.

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Speaker 3: There's been there have been moments where I was going

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to make a very selfish decision when it came to

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access to my son and things like that, and so

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that's what I'm saying, Like it's not It's not to

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say that I've never made a selfish move.

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Speaker 2: Or dying better than anybody else.

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Speaker 3: Else is to say that I didn't do those things

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because I reflected on it. And I'm now telling people like,

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don't make the mistake that I made right or I

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was about to make. And we really need to be

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careful of our actions and how it impacts our kids.

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And there also has to be a social dynamic. There

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are too many people that I've come across where they

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have family members who have kids somewhere that no one

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else knows except for the family, and no one ever

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talks about it. And they pretend this child does not exist.

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Yet they're alive and well, and some of them are adults.

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Speaker 2: Now, you know, this is a.

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Speaker 3: Real situation and that I see all over the place,

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and yet no one says anything. Yet this person gets

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to be comfortable. Meanwhile, that child grew up their entire

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life feeling rejected by you know, the person that created

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it or help to create them. And that's an unfair thing,

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and you're allowing it to happen, you know. So there's

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not enough social pressure when it comes to these particular things,

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even if let's say the child isn't being abandoned. We've

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been around people who talk to their children like they're dirt. Yeah,

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and that is something like if you know that person especially,

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you should interveneing. You don't have to scream at them,

303
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but bring them aside, like why are you talking to

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them like that?

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Speaker 2: Like you hear how you sound. You have to show

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that it is not acceptable.

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Speaker 3: And sometimes it's not enough for that one person just

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say something like other people need to say it, like

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we are concerned. Right, maybe your kids can't be taken

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by the state because you're not abusing them, so to speak,

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but you're not treating them well, like you can do

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better than that. We love you, and we love those

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kids even more and you should. You should change your

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approach to how you're treating them.

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Speaker 2: Right. So, all this is easier said than done.

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Speaker 3: It is difficult to step into the place and and

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talk about someone else and how they reason their kids

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because everyone gets defensive. How dare you tell me how

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to raise my children? But sometimes there are things that

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are so blatantly obvious and wrong, like child abandonment or

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emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, all these things, and

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so many people know that it's happening, but they turn

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a blind eye, or.

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Speaker 1: They have clues that it's happening, and rather than following

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up on the clue, they just look away.

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Speaker 3: Exactly, they don't want to know. Like, listen, it's none

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of my business.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: If if the uncle is doing something to the child,

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you know, I see he actulutely bit weird around the kid.

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Speaker 2: But you know what, I'm not around the lie. It's

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not in my business.

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Speaker 3: I'm not going to inquire because if it's true, it's

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really uncomfortable to acknowledge because I love both of them

335
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and I.

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Speaker 2: Don't want to think that about the uncle.

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Speaker 3: And you know, it just becomes this entire thing that

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it's about how you feel instead of about protecting the child.

339
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Because what's worse that you say nothing and it is true,

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or that you say something and actually.

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Speaker 2: It's not true that nothing is happening.

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Speaker 3: I'd much rather err on the side of caution and

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have it investigated, have it looked into, and the guy's

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not doing anything, right, then that's that's what it is.

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It sucks to be accused of something like that, But

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at the same time, hey, listen, you should understand because

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if someone came to you about your child being hurt,

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you'd want someone to investigate it. You'd want someone to

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acquire about it.

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Speaker 2: So I do think.

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Speaker 3: That there needs to be and there are some people

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who step in, especially with like really egregious things like

353
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you know, the sexual sexual abuse and molestations. More people

354
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are willing to speak up about that because it's so egregious.

355
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But there are people who say nothing, who defend, who

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say that's not really happening. And I've seen a whole

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bunch of examples of the kid who grows up to

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the adult, and they've.

359
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Speaker 2: Been saying the same thing for decades.

360
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Speaker 3: I was being sexually abused by such and such, and

361
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the family is angry at the person making the accreation,

362
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not the person who was actually doing it.

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Speaker 4: Elon's not cutting medicare just the billions in waste of it.

364
00:20:23,839 --> 00:20:26,599
The watch Dout on Wall Street podcast with Chris Markowski.

365
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,480
Every day, Chris helps unpack the connection between politics and

366
00:20:29,519 --> 00:20:31,720
the economy and how it affects your wallet. As the

367
00:20:31,759 --> 00:20:34,400
Left freaks out claiming Elon Musk is gonna cut Medicare,

368
00:20:34,519 --> 00:20:37,920
Remember during Obamacare, when health insurance got double paid by

369
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,000
Medicaid for hundreds of thousands of patients, and our government

370
00:20:41,079 --> 00:20:43,480
didn't check whether it's happening in DC or down on

371
00:20:43,519 --> 00:20:45,160
Wall Street. It's affecting you financially.

372
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:45,759
Speaker 2: Be informed.

373
00:20:45,839 --> 00:20:47,960
Speaker 4: Check out the Watchdout on Wall Street podcast with Chris

374
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,039
Markowski on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

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00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:57,079
Speaker 1: I have seen that, not just not in sexual situations,

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but also other situations. You know, when some will say, basically,

377
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the person who spoils the you know, the peaceful silence,

378
00:21:05,319 --> 00:21:07,279
it's kind of like an uneasy piece, right, but kind

379
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of breaks up the cone, you know, the kind of

380
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tacit agreement to go along, to get along, and that person,

381
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of course, then typically becomes you know, the scapegoat, the outcast,

382
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because you know, they stuck their head out and said

383
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the uncomfortable thing, and now everybody else has to deal

384
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with it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and why is that the case?

386
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Speaker 3: It's that that's the case because we're caring about the

387
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feelings of the adults. Right, you don't want to feel

388
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like this person actually did something. You don't want to

389
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feel like maybe you're partly responsible for the child being molested.

390
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:44,720
You know, there's a chapter in there talking about the

391
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monsters we let inside our home.

392
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Speaker 1: Right, that was wow. Anyway, you are a very direct writer.

393
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But you know there's so many Yeah, that was one

394
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of the ones who're like, whoa, here we go. Well,

395
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I mean, so, I mean you are I mean everybody.

396
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:02,559
I mean, I think a lot of people just know this,

397
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,359
but we don't talk about it. And part of it is,

398
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,279
you know, political correctness absolutely, you know, creates this cone

399
00:22:08,319 --> 00:22:10,559
of cone of silence around you know, the abuse of

400
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:15,319
children via like you're saying adult selfishness and so you know,

401
00:22:15,359 --> 00:22:18,000
so one of the things you point out in that

402
00:22:18,119 --> 00:22:21,680
chapter is basically that the highest risk to a child

403
00:22:21,839 --> 00:22:25,799
comes you know, from his mother's boyfriend, either a physical

404
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:31,400
sexual abuse or otherwise. That's the number one contributor to horrible,

405
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,400
horrible things happening to children. Is exactly that situation right there.

406
00:22:35,599 --> 00:22:39,240
But again, people the political correctness says, don't talk about

407
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that because but I think the fake reason actually is

408
00:22:42,279 --> 00:22:44,440
the race issue. I don't really think. I don't think

409
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,559
the real reason is the race issue, right because it's

410
00:22:46,599 --> 00:22:50,359
oh disproportionately you know, certain groups of people. But that's

411
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the reason that's given to you know, basically excuse non

412
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protecting children.

413
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and then in.

414
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Speaker 3: The meantime, if we want to make it a race issue,

415
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in the meantime, how many black boys and girls are

416
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being sexually abused obviously?

417
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Speaker 2: Right, And I'll tell you a quick story.

418
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Speaker 3: I had a at a dinner with an NYPD detective

419
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who was black himself, and you know, I told him

420
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about the book and so on, and he opened up.

421
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He said, listen, like you know, as a detective, you

422
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make arrest, you get the purpse and stuff like that.

423
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Speaker 2: Some of them.

424
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Speaker 3: Sometimes you have to go to these hospitals or maybe

425
00:23:31,359 --> 00:23:34,839
you're waiting for processing and you're just alone with this

426
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:39,920
guy who's under arrest, this criminal, and you're just having

427
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:44,319
conversations and they're just talking, and the more they talk,

428
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:48,359
the more they start revealing things about themselves in their lives. Yeah,

429
00:23:48,519 --> 00:23:51,160
he said, you would not believe how many of these

430
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black men have been molested totally when they were children.

431
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Speaker 2: He's like, you would believe it.

432
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Speaker 1: I totally believe it. I mean, because I mean, I think,

433
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,519
I mean all of us who have family friends in

434
00:24:02,559 --> 00:24:04,680
those sorts of positions. I was just talking a couple

435
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,799
of weeks ago with a woman part of an interracial couple.

436
00:24:07,839 --> 00:24:10,440
You know, so she's worked in basically, you know, helping

437
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,119
troubled children. You know that they're sent to when they

438
00:24:13,319 --> 00:24:15,240
when they can't stay in school anymore. You know, they

439
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,599
go to kind of a special school. And she was

440
00:24:17,599 --> 00:24:20,119
one of the teachers there, and she said, every single

441
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,759
one of them has a dysfunctional, totally dysfunctional family, you know.

442
00:24:23,839 --> 00:24:26,079
So we you know, like you point out in your book,

443
00:24:26,319 --> 00:24:28,160
the kids are kind of the tip of the iceberg

444
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:29,920
right there, you know, the canary and the coal mine,

445
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,960
Like they're the thing that we see and focus on.

446
00:24:32,519 --> 00:24:35,640
But what really is going on is there's other adults

447
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:39,039
in their lives who are grossly screwing up, and nobody

448
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:42,359
is you know, putting them in a reform school or

449
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,079
or you know, or whatever the case ought to be.

450
00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,880
You know, the point is the kids are, you know,

451
00:24:47,079 --> 00:24:49,599
the kind of the symptom and the outward kind of

452
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,559
consequence of other things going on that are not the

453
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:53,319
child's fault.

454
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Speaker 2: Very often, that's exactly it.

455
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Speaker 3: You know, when when that child starts misbehaving as a teen,

456
00:25:00,799 --> 00:25:03,000
you can turn them over to the state, you can

457
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,119
throw them in some institution, you can advocate for them

458
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:08,839
to be thrown into juvie because they're not acting right

459
00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:12,359
when the reality is that these kids are reacting to

460
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their environment.

461
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Speaker 2: One thing that I became very aware of, especially in

462
00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:20,160
recent years. You know, I don't know if you watch

463
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:20,799
a lot of talk.

464
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Speaker 1: Shows years ago, like no okay for anti TV, so

465
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I don't seen much.

466
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Speaker 2: Okay, So there's a show like Sally Jesse Raphael and

467
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:33,440
one of like her main theme shows was like bad

468
00:25:33,519 --> 00:25:37,079
teen episodes. Oh sure, but if you go back you

469
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,880
watch it was always I would say ninety plus percent

470
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:45,960
at a time, it was bad teen girls, and it

471
00:25:46,039 --> 00:25:48,839
was always the mother who was bringing them on the show.

472
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think I maybe like exactly, that's exactly it.

473
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,279
There was never a father that was there. And then

474
00:25:59,359 --> 00:26:04,200
you start hearing the child was running away.

475
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:05,000
Speaker 2: No.

476
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:09,920
Speaker 3: Back then, it was like, oh, they're just so, there's

477
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,039
such bad kids.

478
00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:13,240
Speaker 2: They're just run away. They think they're grown.

479
00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,240
Speaker 3: But as I've gotten older and I started watching even

480
00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:21,279
more content of these, you know, started learning more about

481
00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:25,799
psychology and especially childish psychology. They're not just running away,

482
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:30,640
they're running away from something. They're running away from someone. Often,

483
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,799
so especially if mommy has a boyfriend that lives in

484
00:26:33,799 --> 00:26:37,960
the house. Yea, And she says, your boyfriend makes me uncomfortable,

485
00:26:38,839 --> 00:26:41,640
and mommy says, well, you shouldn't be wearing that.

486
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:47,119
Speaker 2: As she's a developing girl. She's running away because no

487
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:50,680
one's protecting her in that home. She's not running away.

488
00:26:50,519 --> 00:26:53,160
Speaker 3: Because she wants to be on the streets and wants

489
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,759
to become a prostitute, right because she has no place

490
00:26:56,759 --> 00:27:00,279
else to go. Like, she's running away from some thing,

491
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,000
and it may be one person and maybe two people,

492
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:06,599
but she's running away for a reason. And the biggest

493
00:27:06,599 --> 00:27:09,880
thing I could tell you about how I understand psychology

494
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,920
is everybody does something for a reason, whether they are

495
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:19,160
consciously doing it or subconsciously doing it, but everyone does

496
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:23,160
something for a reason. And so someone is taking, especially

497
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,960
like a child, taking a big action of being naive

498
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:31,440
about the world and running into the world with no resources,

499
00:27:31,839 --> 00:27:35,400
no guidance, and no one to advocate for them, no

500
00:27:35,559 --> 00:27:36,480
shelter protection.

501
00:27:36,839 --> 00:27:39,079
Speaker 2: What do you think is going to happen? They're going

502
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:40,160
to get eaten.

503
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,039
Speaker 1: By the devil by traffickers, Yeah.

504
00:27:41,839 --> 00:27:45,960
Speaker 2: Picked up by traffickers. But you know what, they probably

505
00:27:46,079 --> 00:27:49,079
rather be in that situation, at least initially, they're thinking

506
00:27:49,279 --> 00:27:52,559
I'd rather run into mystery than deal with what I know.

507
00:27:54,079 --> 00:27:56,880
Speaker 1: And in our public policy, you know, their answer to

508
00:27:56,920 --> 00:27:59,200
them to that child is to say, oh, well, will

509
00:27:59,279 --> 00:28:04,400
legalize that and call you a sex worker? Now, so insane,

510
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:05,160
what a world.

511
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,680
Speaker 2: We'll give you a webcam and you can start her

512
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:08,519
OnlyFans account.

513
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:09,400
Speaker 1: Totally.

514
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:14,279
Speaker 3: I mean, that's but that's essentially what's happening. I actually wrote,

515
00:28:15,079 --> 00:28:19,799
excuse me, I wrote an article because when I heard it,

516
00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:24,079
it was like alarm bells. So there's the whatever podcast

517
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:26,440
that invites all these different guys on there, and they

518
00:28:26,519 --> 00:28:31,839
invite OnlyFans girls to talk about relationships and stuff like that.

519
00:28:32,599 --> 00:28:35,200
It's kind of a ridiculous show. I don't really actively

520
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:37,480
watch it, but I came across this clip because they

521
00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:38,480
clipped it because it was.

522
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 2: So it was so outrageous. And it was this girl

523
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:42,519
who said that.

524
00:28:44,519 --> 00:28:48,799
Speaker 3: At the age of she said nine or ten, she

525
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,079
was addicted to porn.

526
00:28:50,559 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. And that which, by the way, ten

527
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:57,759
eleven is the average age of first exposure. Now, so

528
00:28:57,759 --> 00:29:00,400
she's completely within the norm.

529
00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:03,559
Speaker 2: And that's yeah, that's a whole other thing.

530
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:04,160
Speaker 1: Yep.

531
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 3: But then on top of that, she said that her

532
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:12,480
parents eventually I think kicked her out, but before they

533
00:29:12,559 --> 00:29:17,559
kicked her out, or I said parents, her mom kicked

534
00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:20,480
her out. But before she was kicked out, she was

535
00:29:20,599 --> 00:29:24,119
so hyper sexual that one guy would enter through her window,

536
00:29:24,359 --> 00:29:26,880
finish with that guy, that guy would leave, and then

537
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:28,559
another guy would eventually come through.

538
00:29:29,119 --> 00:29:31,599
Speaker 2: And so she's describing how she's running through men like

539
00:29:31,759 --> 00:29:35,519
within a twenty four hour period, like a ridiculous amount.

540
00:29:36,559 --> 00:29:39,880
But when I heard that, I'm like, oh, it sounds

541
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,160
like she was molested.

542
00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,240
Speaker 3: She was actually abused, and of course she's started waking

543
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:49,039
drugs yep. And by the time she's talking about it,

544
00:29:49,039 --> 00:29:51,160
it sounds like she's kind of on the other side

545
00:29:51,319 --> 00:29:56,079
of her addiction and getting in control over what she

546
00:29:56,240 --> 00:30:01,240
was going through. But from the media standpoint, they're just like, WHOA,

547
00:30:01,279 --> 00:30:02,359
that's crazy.

548
00:30:02,599 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 2: These girls out here are just so promiscuous.

549
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,440
Speaker 3: And I'm in my head, I'm like, she's a victim

550
00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:11,160
of something or sure, like that is not normal.

551
00:30:11,680 --> 00:30:14,759
Speaker 2: That is not a normal circumstance for a child that

552
00:30:14,799 --> 00:30:18,920
age to be not just exposed to it, but addicted

553
00:30:19,119 --> 00:30:25,680
to pornography, because that is usually a gateway, like someone's.

554
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,319
Speaker 1: Rumors use that with children. We all know that we're

555
00:30:29,319 --> 00:30:31,240
supposed to forget what we know all the time and

556
00:30:31,279 --> 00:30:32,839
shut up about it, which is one of the things

557
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,079
I love about your book because it's just like, I'm

558
00:30:35,079 --> 00:30:37,799
not shutting up about all these things that are psychotic

559
00:30:37,839 --> 00:30:38,759
and need to be addressed.

560
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:40,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

561
00:30:40,599 --> 00:30:44,119
Speaker 3: And the more we want to pretend that this is

562
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:47,279
not this is not happening all around this, the more

563
00:30:47,279 --> 00:30:51,240
our children are being harmed. And that, to me is

564
00:30:51,279 --> 00:30:55,160
the alarming thing. It's like, well, of course this is happening, Like,

565
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,079
of course these things are going on. When you see

566
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:04,359
people over respond to stuff, act hypervigilant, you know. I

567
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:06,920
used to have someone I was in a relationship with

568
00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:11,599
who one time I left her alone with like a

569
00:31:11,640 --> 00:31:13,200
police officer and like some other guy.

570
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: They were just talking about something. No one was under arrest.

571
00:31:16,599 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 3: She was very angry at me, and she said, you

572
00:31:20,039 --> 00:31:22,720
left me alone with them, and something could have happened.

573
00:31:22,799 --> 00:31:24,559
Something myself, What do you mean something to happen? You

574
00:31:24,599 --> 00:31:25,200
were next to a.

575
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:30,079
Speaker 2: Cop, like in my head, like he had right right, Like.

576
00:31:30,119 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 1: He's probably the samest place for you to be, right.

577
00:31:34,799 --> 00:31:37,319
Speaker 3: But what I didn't know, and she had to tell me,

578
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,440
is that she was raped at sixteen.

579
00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:46,119
Speaker 2: Yeah, and even her family didn't know. Wow, and she

580
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:47,680
got pregnant, had to have an abortion.

581
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:48,720
Speaker 1: Whoa.

582
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:51,279
Speaker 2: And she's close with her.

583
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,039
Speaker 3: Family and now she's telling me. So that is why

584
00:31:54,039 --> 00:31:59,920
she's so hyper vigilant being around men, strange men alone

585
00:32:00,079 --> 00:32:03,319
by herself. And I'm supposed to be her man to

586
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,720
protect her. And in my head, I'm like, there's a

587
00:32:05,759 --> 00:32:08,880
copra here, we good to go, Like I'm gonna go

588
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,519
to this other area and we're handling that. But like,

589
00:32:12,559 --> 00:32:15,319
she's carrying that, and I don't I haven't talked to

590
00:32:15,359 --> 00:32:17,559
her in a long time, so I don't.

591
00:32:17,359 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 2: Know if she ever even revealed that.

592
00:32:20,319 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 3: To her family, but like to me, she's carrying that

593
00:32:24,119 --> 00:32:27,319
and that Once I found that out, other things started

594
00:32:27,319 --> 00:32:31,759
making sense as to why she's carrying this fear right,

595
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,119
which is not an irrational fear, so to spe because

596
00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,039
it stems from something, but it's it's holding her back

597
00:32:38,279 --> 00:32:41,920
because not every man is dangerous and she shouldn't have

598
00:32:42,039 --> 00:32:42,680
to feel that.

599
00:32:42,839 --> 00:32:44,920
Speaker 2: She also shouldn't have to feel that she needs to

600
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:48,400
keep this secret. And if she reveals this secret.

601
00:32:48,119 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 3: Of being some sort of shame onto everybody else because

602
00:32:51,519 --> 00:32:55,880
someone violated her, you know, and this this is the

603
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,839
type of burden that a lot of men and women

604
00:32:59,119 --> 00:33:02,400
are carrying a lot of shame for something that they

605
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:06,240
didn't have any control over. Somebody violated them. They're the

606
00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,759
ones carrying this burden of knowledge.

607
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:12,559
Speaker 1: Yeah, you write about that. You know, That's one of

608
00:33:12,559 --> 00:33:14,759
the themes in your book is the culture of silence

609
00:33:14,839 --> 00:33:18,079
that is foisted on children who grow up in dysfunctional

610
00:33:18,119 --> 00:33:22,480
homes and circumstances. And you talk about you're saying, you know,

611
00:33:22,519 --> 00:33:26,000
you risk ostracization for telling the truth. Now I do.

612
00:33:26,680 --> 00:33:28,200
One of the things that I thought about is, you know,

613
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:29,920
a lot of this book is about the you know,

614
00:33:30,039 --> 00:33:32,799
your father's abandonment of you and how difficult a struggle

615
00:33:32,839 --> 00:33:35,759
that you know, really affected your your entire life, your

616
00:33:35,759 --> 00:33:38,519
whole family. You know, for obvious reasons. That's a very

617
00:33:38,519 --> 00:33:42,240
big deal. And so but I'm writing, I'm thinking about

618
00:33:42,279 --> 00:33:45,279
you know this, and I thought you point out in

619
00:33:45,319 --> 00:33:48,519
the book. I'm going to give a book reveal here, folks.

620
00:33:48,559 --> 00:33:52,599
So if you don't know, want want this plot twist

621
00:33:53,079 --> 00:33:56,039
known for fast forward the next thirty seconds. But you know,

622
00:33:56,119 --> 00:33:58,559
so your father died I believe it was twenty sixteen,

623
00:33:58,559 --> 00:34:01,240
and you found about that through a family members Google search.

624
00:34:01,759 --> 00:34:04,079
So all of that to say, however, I wonder, does

625
00:34:04,079 --> 00:34:06,400
it is it easier to kind of talk about that

626
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:10,039
relationship because your father is gone, right, He's not alive

627
00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:13,360
for you to have him, you know, say, hey, what

628
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:16,440
are you doing talking about me? Or whatever the case is,

629
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:19,320
or you know, if he were alive today, would you

630
00:34:19,400 --> 00:34:21,920
still have written this book with all of the challenges

631
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,880
in it that you have directly to him, talking about

632
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,679
really what a poor father he was.

633
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:31,719
Speaker 2: I'd still write it. Uh huh.

634
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:35,039
Speaker 3: It sounds terrible to say, but even when he died,

635
00:34:35,159 --> 00:34:38,000
I didn't really feel much of anything, yep, because my

636
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:42,519
father was always a stranger yep. And and so no,

637
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,360
like this is this is my story, and I'm just

638
00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:47,199
to be one hundred percent transparent.

639
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:52,880
Speaker 2: You know, I'm still managing the feelings of my mother. Yep.

640
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:53,199
You no.

641
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:55,800
Speaker 1: And I wonder about that too reading it.

642
00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:05,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, and my mother some sort of regret for maybe

643
00:35:05,599 --> 00:35:09,280
she feels like maybe I didn't push his father to

644
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:14,079
be more involved. And I've explicitly told my mom, you

645
00:35:14,119 --> 00:35:15,679
cannot make my father love me.

646
00:35:17,159 --> 00:35:17,840
Speaker 2: You just can't.

647
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 3: Either he wants to be with his kids or he doesn't.

648
00:35:21,679 --> 00:35:23,920
You can call him as many times as you want.

649
00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:27,039
You can invite him over, you can encourage him to do.

650
00:35:27,679 --> 00:35:28,079
Speaker 2: The same time.

651
00:35:28,199 --> 00:35:31,400
Speaker 1: He is responsible for his choices, just like we are

652
00:35:32,199 --> 00:35:33,079
at the end of all day.

653
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 3: For his choices, right, And it's not to say that

654
00:35:35,679 --> 00:35:37,800
my mother made the best of choices at certain times.

655
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,400
Speaker 2: And I told my mother, like, you're not perfect. I'm

656
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:41,880
not perfect. I've made mistakes.

657
00:35:42,119 --> 00:35:48,840
Speaker 3: This isn't about rehashing the pastor or even you know,

658
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,400
trying to slander my father, because at the end, I

659
00:35:52,119 --> 00:35:53,440
forgive my father, I'm.

660
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:57,360
Speaker 2: Not angry with him. That is how I move forward.

661
00:35:57,400 --> 00:36:00,119
Speaker 3: What I'm doing is using my story to one tell

662
00:36:00,159 --> 00:36:04,519
other kids who are in my situation that you're not alone.

663
00:36:04,679 --> 00:36:07,480
And two to use my story as a cautionary tale

664
00:36:07,519 --> 00:36:09,960
for the parent who might be leaving their children behind

665
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:14,639
or who is on their way to making a bad decision.

666
00:36:15,199 --> 00:36:17,760
And they're like, you know what, I need to sacrifice

667
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:21,079
how I feel right now for my kids because I

668
00:36:21,119 --> 00:36:23,320
don't want this to potentially happen to them.

669
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:24,159
Speaker 2: Right.

670
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:29,719
Speaker 3: So I'm just using my story and I emphasize I

671
00:36:29,760 --> 00:36:32,039
love my mother. I love my mother a lot, and

672
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,239
I've even said as so much like I haven't been

673
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:39,559
the perfect son, Like there are things that I regret

674
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:44,559
and how I treated my mother, So there's blame that

675
00:36:44,639 --> 00:36:47,639
can go all the way around because we are coming

676
00:36:47,719 --> 00:36:54,559
from a imperfect, dysfunctional situation from my childhood and we're

677
00:36:54,639 --> 00:36:58,079
all still grappling with it. It's still real.

678
00:36:59,039 --> 00:37:00,480
Speaker 2: But it's my story.

679
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,519
Speaker 3: So I don't tell my mother's story, like I don't

680
00:37:03,519 --> 00:37:07,000
tell my mother's childhood or anything like that.

681
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:07,960
Speaker 2: That's her story.

682
00:37:08,159 --> 00:37:11,480
Speaker 3: I'm telling my story even more so, I'm giving my

683
00:37:11,559 --> 00:37:14,599
perspective of how I felt as a child, what I saw,

684
00:37:15,440 --> 00:37:17,679
and I think it's.

685
00:37:17,599 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 2: Fair for me to do that.

686
00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:23,920
Speaker 3: And you know, I do think that there's a bit

687
00:37:24,039 --> 00:37:28,119
of everyone's afraid of feeling embarrassed and like, oh, they

688
00:37:28,159 --> 00:37:30,239
made a mistake and now other people are going to

689
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:31,760
learn about their mistakes.

690
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,559
Speaker 2: But it's the truth, and we should not be afraid

691
00:37:34,599 --> 00:37:37,639
of the truth. And even more so, those.

692
00:37:37,519 --> 00:37:39,639
Speaker 3: Mistakes that you made, you would not tell the next

693
00:37:39,679 --> 00:37:42,840
person to do the thing that you did, right, And.

694
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,840
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about my own self same, right, don't

695
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,360
do what I did, y'all.

696
00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:50,239
Speaker 2: Exactly, And that's that's that's what's really important.

697
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,519
Speaker 3: We're all going to make a misstep, We're all going

698
00:37:52,559 --> 00:37:55,400
to do something like, you know what, in hindsight, I

699
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,920
shouldn't have done that. But if the next person comes

700
00:37:57,920 --> 00:37:59,679
to you and says I'm going to do that thing,

701
00:38:00,079 --> 00:38:02,559
you would tell them not to do it, right, That's

702
00:38:02,639 --> 00:38:06,480
ultimately what I want. What I'm questioning is that person

703
00:38:06,599 --> 00:38:08,280
coming to you and say I'm about to do this,

704
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,199
and you say, well, it's your life.

705
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:10,960
Speaker 2: You do whatever you.

706
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:13,920
Speaker 3: Want to do, and you don't warn them, and you

707
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,480
don't try to intervene, like and you just allow them

708
00:38:17,519 --> 00:38:18,119
to do.

709
00:38:18,519 --> 00:38:21,199
Speaker 2: Well, that's your life. I wouldn't make that decision, but

710
00:38:21,519 --> 00:38:24,440
that's her, their life, how they want to do. So

711
00:38:25,000 --> 00:38:27,199
you know there's this Yeah.

712
00:38:27,599 --> 00:38:29,400
Speaker 1: You can finish your thought if you want, and then

713
00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:30,880
I can ask my question.

714
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:35,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, I was just going to say, there's this passivity

715
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:37,639
for the things that we know are true.

716
00:38:38,519 --> 00:38:39,960
Speaker 2: They're statistically true.

717
00:38:41,599 --> 00:38:44,760
Speaker 3: You know, there are so many examples of it, of

718
00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:47,760
this truth happening, Like you know what's about to happen,

719
00:38:48,320 --> 00:38:51,639
Like you know that things are going to become extremely chaotic.

720
00:38:52,119 --> 00:38:55,719
You're going to hurt your kids, you know that. But

721
00:38:55,840 --> 00:38:57,920
you see the person that you claim to care about,

722
00:38:58,119 --> 00:39:00,920
the other adult, the other parent, about to make that

723
00:39:01,119 --> 00:39:05,159
choice and you say absolutely nothing. Yeah, that's what I'm questioning.

724
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:08,679
Speaker 1: Well, And the thing I was thinking of here is

725
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:12,280
I think a lot of people have lost the muscle

726
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:16,840
of having hard conversations and even of truth seeking, you know,

727
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,079
because I think you know, we have we do have

728
00:39:19,119 --> 00:39:23,880
this really censorious, fearful culture about what we say and

729
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:26,599
if you say it in an in artful way, you know,

730
00:39:27,039 --> 00:39:28,880
or or you kind of stumble through words because you

731
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,079
don't have practice with it, or whatever the case is. Right,

732
00:39:31,079 --> 00:39:33,920
It's not like we have grown up from childhood through

733
00:39:33,960 --> 00:39:40,119
adolescence into adulthood practicing lovingly confronting people and being lovingly

734
00:39:40,159 --> 00:39:43,000
confronted and having the sort of you know, healthy feedback

735
00:39:43,039 --> 00:39:46,440
loops in our lives. People are increasingly really just siloed

736
00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:49,840
and isolated emotionally, physically in all the rest. And the

737
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,800
family breakdown absolutely relates to this because, as you you know,

738
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,840
you write about this in the book too Right, you

739
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:57,199
are trying to recover some of your childhood by being

740
00:39:57,320 --> 00:39:59,880
a good father even though you didn't have good fathering.

741
00:40:00,159 --> 00:40:01,880
So you've had to learn how to do that the

742
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:05,199
hard way without having someone kind of intuitively teach you

743
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,880
as a child, right, you. I'll let you, you know,

744
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,960
kind of talk about that if you want. But but

745
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,320
the point being, I think kind of the family breakdown

746
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:17,679
as well as the PC sort of environment contributes to

747
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:22,599
this is because people lose the modeling, the mentoring, the feedback,

748
00:40:22,679 --> 00:40:25,320
the practice at doing this from little all the way

749
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,639
up to adulthood to help us be better at knowing

750
00:40:28,639 --> 00:40:31,039
when you should say something, knowing ways you can say

751
00:40:31,039 --> 00:40:33,519
it that would be more effective, you know, and that

752
00:40:33,599 --> 00:40:35,679
other other people are being more willing to hear you,

753
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:36,760
et cetera, et cetera.

754
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:43,840
Speaker 3: That's exactly true. And I don't I don't know where

755
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:48,320
that's stemmed from, you know, how how we necessarily got

756
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,800
here the point where we think that being honest with

757
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,480
people that we care is one thing. You see some

758
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:57,639
guy in the street and you tell them some something true.

759
00:40:58,599 --> 00:41:01,000
But to tell that person it's different story. And I

760
00:41:01,039 --> 00:41:05,239
completely understand, but it's it's another story when it's your

761
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:08,639
family member, it's your friend, it's someone that you see

762
00:41:08,679 --> 00:41:13,679
all the time and you say nothing. And especially if

763
00:41:13,679 --> 00:41:16,760
you know that child, you see what's going on, and

764
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:20,199
you still say nothing. You don't try to protect that

765
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:25,880
child because you're so worried about keeping the image of

766
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:28,079
your relationship with the adult intact.

767
00:41:28,719 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 2: Right.

768
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,760
Speaker 3: You don't want to see them as that other person.

769
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,480
You don't want to see them as a terrible parent.

770
00:41:33,199 --> 00:41:35,119
Speaker 2: You want to see them as a great guy, a

771
00:41:35,159 --> 00:41:37,800
fun mom, you know something like that. You want to

772
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,079
hang out with them, you don't want to You don't

773
00:41:40,119 --> 00:41:42,800
want to ruin how you how you picture them.

774
00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:47,119
Speaker 3: But I think by doing that, more and more kids

775
00:41:47,159 --> 00:41:53,679
just get hurt. And there's just so many examples of

776
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:57,920
our society thinking about the comfort of the adults rather

777
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:01,960
than the prosperity and safety of child children. And I

778
00:42:02,599 --> 00:42:06,639
know there's a narrative about us becoming you know, child

779
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:10,480
centered and you know, hovering children and things like that,

780
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:17,159
when really like that attentiveness of helicopter parents, all that

781
00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:21,039
is stems from is anxiety. Usually it stems from childhood

782
00:42:21,079 --> 00:42:24,280
anxiety of themselves. They're fearful of whatever happened to them

783
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:28,239
as kids, of that happening to their kids. Right, So

784
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:31,239
these transfer that anxiety onto their kids. That's not good either,

785
00:42:31,880 --> 00:42:38,079
right or the the My favorite to criticize are the

786
00:42:38,159 --> 00:42:40,920
parents who want to be their kid's friend. M H,

787
00:42:42,199 --> 00:42:46,840
I love my son, I'm friendly with my son, But

788
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:51,280
I am not his friend. And friend is a status

789
00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,519
just like being a parent is a status. The difference

790
00:42:54,559 --> 00:42:58,360
is that being a parent is an authority position, right,

791
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,400
so I have to tell him what to do.

792
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:04,280
Speaker 2: Joey, you and I are friends. I can't tell you

793
00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,760
what to do. I have no authority over you. And

794
00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:08,599
so if you make a.

795
00:43:08,639 --> 00:43:12,159
Speaker 3: Child who requires authority, who requires someone to look out

796
00:43:12,199 --> 00:43:14,440
for them, to tell them no when they need to

797
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:18,280
hear no, who doesn't allow them to hurt themselves, even

798
00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:20,360
though that kid might think that there is going to

799
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:22,559
be something wonderful on the other side.

800
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:25,880
Speaker 2: Of it, you have to tell them and dictate what

801
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:28,840
they do. They don't want to go to school, too bad,

802
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,199
you must go to school, right.

803
00:43:32,599 --> 00:43:35,360
Speaker 3: I am not your friend. I am an authority figure

804
00:43:35,440 --> 00:43:38,639
to you. I'm responsible for you. Matter of fact, if

805
00:43:38,719 --> 00:43:41,000
you disobey me and go out there and do whatever

806
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:42,239
you want, I get in.

807
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:45,760
Speaker 1: Trouble and I will punish you, and I will punish

808
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:46,880
you in an appropriate way.

809
00:43:47,639 --> 00:43:51,159
Speaker 3: Because I'm ultimately responsible for you so much so that

810
00:43:51,440 --> 00:43:53,440
I can get in trouble by the law for what

811
00:43:53,599 --> 00:43:56,840
you do. That is how much. That is how entangled

812
00:43:56,920 --> 00:44:00,400
our guardianship is and our authority position is when the kids.

813
00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:03,440
If you want to get rid of all that and

814
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:06,760
put yourself on equal plane with a child who still

815
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:09,960
has a developing brain, who doesn't who can't see around

816
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:13,000
the corner, can't see the consequences that are coming, you

817
00:44:13,039 --> 00:44:13,599
can see it.

818
00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 2: You say nothing.

819
00:44:14,679 --> 00:44:17,360
Speaker 3: Because you're taking the easy road. It's easy to be

820
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,960
a kid's friend. You just give them whatever they want, right,

821
00:44:21,199 --> 00:44:22,440
you don't stand in their way.

822
00:44:22,880 --> 00:44:23,119
Speaker 2: Yep.

823
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:26,800
Speaker 3: And what I think some parents who do that, and

824
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:30,000
I think most of them who do this don't realize

825
00:44:30,079 --> 00:44:32,920
what they're teaching their kid is that my mother or

826
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:38,280
father doesn't love me enough to even challenge me on

827
00:44:38,440 --> 00:44:41,079
what I'm about to do. It's like years ago, and

828
00:44:41,119 --> 00:44:43,519
I remember this happening in the nineties. Like at these

829
00:44:43,519 --> 00:44:45,679
talk shows I was talking about, you would get the

830
00:44:45,679 --> 00:44:49,280
bad parents who come on and say I allow them

831
00:44:49,320 --> 00:44:53,199
to drink and smoke wheat in the house because you

832
00:44:53,239 --> 00:44:57,320
know at least they're doing it in the house, and.

833
00:44:56,599 --> 00:45:00,599
Speaker 1: Or give them condoms when they're fifteenactly, come.

834
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:05,639
Speaker 2: On, exactly, but with it. They think that they're they're being.

835
00:45:05,519 --> 00:45:09,159
Speaker 3: Like the cool parent, and my child likes it because

836
00:45:09,199 --> 00:45:12,599
I'm supporting them. But What they don't realize is that

837
00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:17,079
the kid sees it as my mother or father doesn't

838
00:45:17,119 --> 00:45:18,039
love me enough to.

839
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:19,480
Speaker 2: Tell me no.

840
00:45:19,599 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 3: Like they're letting me like they know that smoking weed

841
00:45:23,320 --> 00:45:25,760
isn't the right thing to do, they know that drinking

842
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:28,519
alcohol every day is in a good thing.

843
00:45:29,039 --> 00:45:32,760
Speaker 2: And my parents are letting me do this, like they

844
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,000
don't even love me enough.

845
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 1: To stop me, yeah, to challenge me.

846
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:43,119
Speaker 3: Like so, just in the same way, the absence.

847
00:45:42,679 --> 00:45:43,400
Speaker 2: Of action.

848
00:45:44,719 --> 00:45:48,719
Speaker 3: Is not loving either, you know, and I don't think

849
00:45:49,159 --> 00:45:52,599
certain people understand it that way. But if you go

850
00:45:52,679 --> 00:45:54,599
online and say that you are not your kid's friend,

851
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,519
you're their parent, You're.

852
00:45:57,199 --> 00:45:59,960
Speaker 2: Like, oh, you're this mean, terrible person.

853
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:04,119
Speaker 3: I think being a parent is so important and so

854
00:46:04,239 --> 00:46:06,880
much more valuable than a friend. How many friends have

855
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:09,280
we had for five years and he disappeared?

856
00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:10,239
Speaker 2: You never talked to him again?

857
00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:14,559
Speaker 3: Right, friends leading, But you're a parent. That's permanent. That

858
00:46:15,079 --> 00:46:17,760
is something to be honored. And you are friendly with

859
00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:20,679
your kids and you love them enough to tell them

860
00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:24,079
the thing that they don't want to hear. Like that

861
00:46:24,239 --> 00:46:27,920
is something that is completely entirely different than being some

862
00:46:28,159 --> 00:46:31,559
friend of the moment who just hangs out with their kid.

863
00:46:33,199 --> 00:46:38,920
But then they're shocked when their kid doesn't listen to them.

864
00:46:38,960 --> 00:46:41,199
Speaker 1: Well, the other thing I think that people are and

865
00:46:41,239 --> 00:46:43,000
I think, you know, basically, it sounds to me like

866
00:46:43,079 --> 00:46:46,760
you're saying you're asking for the same action of the

867
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:48,440
parents to the kids as well as the friends to

868
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:52,400
the parents. Right, some are panmped and imposing some reasonable

869
00:46:52,440 --> 00:46:56,239
boundaries or checks on out of control and foolish behavior.

870
00:46:57,880 --> 00:47:00,760
And the thing I was thinking, one of the reasons

871
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,599
I think people don't do this is because they try

872
00:47:03,639 --> 00:47:06,000
it and it blows up the relationship. You know, I

873
00:47:06,039 --> 00:47:09,039
have seen this happen also where you know, even you know,

874
00:47:09,159 --> 00:47:11,239
well many people who I think are doing the right thing,

875
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:12,960
they step in and they say, hey, look, you know

876
00:47:13,039 --> 00:47:15,039
this situation is inappropriate. What are you going to do

877
00:47:15,039 --> 00:47:17,039
about it? And all of a sudden they're completely cut

878
00:47:17,039 --> 00:47:18,719
out of that person's life, you know, for the rest

879
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:19,159
of time.

880
00:47:19,559 --> 00:47:19,719
Speaker 2: Right.

881
00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:24,599
Speaker 1: And so it's hard we have our society has so

882
00:47:24,599 --> 00:47:27,679
many different dysfunction it's very different, difficult to kind of

883
00:47:27,679 --> 00:47:31,159
find ways out of them because once you get that

884
00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:34,519
spiral going, you know, the steps upward are so much

885
00:47:34,559 --> 00:47:35,760
harder than the slide down.

886
00:47:37,360 --> 00:47:39,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, there's there's a risk in everything. There's

887
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,880
always going to be a risk in telling people the truth.

888
00:47:42,599 --> 00:47:45,519
I think, and you know, and you understand this as

889
00:47:45,559 --> 00:47:46,480
a writer as well.

890
00:47:46,719 --> 00:47:49,239
Speaker 2: It's how you say things, it's how you introduce things,

891
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:51,679
it's how you approach it. The words that you use

892
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:54,000
them can help. That can help.

893
00:47:54,039 --> 00:47:56,519
Speaker 1: I think there's going to always be you know, probably

894
00:47:56,599 --> 00:47:58,760
a sizeable number at this point of people who no

895
00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:00,480
matter how you say it, they are going to do

896
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:02,519
what they're going to do, and they resent you for

897
00:48:02,639 --> 00:48:05,519
telling them the thing, even in a super nice way.

898
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:09,119
But absolutely, if people it does help, you know, of course,

899
00:48:09,159 --> 00:48:13,400
to have some practice and facility with framing things in

900
00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:16,199
a more positive, encouraging way rather than I'm judging you

901
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:16,800
sort of way.

902
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:22,719
Speaker 3: Yeah, my suggestion would be, and this is part of

903
00:48:22,719 --> 00:48:25,159
the point of writing the book the way that I did,

904
00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:28,440
is that any person can put a bunch of stats

905
00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:32,679
together and make some academic argument as to why the

906
00:48:32,719 --> 00:48:35,519
nuclear family is beneficial and blah blah blah blah, and.

907
00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:36,199
Speaker 2: No one would care.

908
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:40,119
Speaker 3: The reason why someone would care based off of what

909
00:48:40,360 --> 00:48:43,480
the arguments that I'm making is because I'm humanizing it.

910
00:48:44,440 --> 00:48:48,360
More so, I'm giving the child's perspective of how a

911
00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:52,719
child feels. I do believe even for that person who

912
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:56,599
might be selfish in that moment, it's because no one

913
00:48:56,679 --> 00:49:00,559
is helping to realign them. And if you say, listen,

914
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:03,599
I know you're about to do this thing, but let

915
00:49:03,599 --> 00:49:06,719
me tell you here's what's going to happen to your

916
00:49:06,840 --> 00:49:10,960
child and bring the focus back on to the kid.

917
00:49:11,800 --> 00:49:14,679
It may or may not work, but I think that's

918
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:17,199
the best way to try to approach this is to

919
00:49:17,360 --> 00:49:20,920
try because I think many of people make bad decisions

920
00:49:20,960 --> 00:49:24,400
as parents, and they love their kids, right, they're just

921
00:49:24,519 --> 00:49:27,760
they're reacting to whatever is going on. They're being impulsive, right,

922
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:29,400
And it's easy to think about yourself.

923
00:49:29,880 --> 00:49:32,039
Speaker 2: So it's no shade to parents.

924
00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:35,719
Speaker 3: Who think about themselves or give a moment like that's normal.

925
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:38,400
I think that's that's fine. But the thing is we

926
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:41,000
have help. We're supposed to have help. We're supposed to

927
00:49:41,039 --> 00:49:44,400
have people say listen, I know you're struggling with this thing,

928
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:46,920
and i know you're thinking about making this decision, but

929
00:49:47,119 --> 00:49:50,639
I'm just telling you your child, this is what's going

930
00:49:50,679 --> 00:49:51,360
to happen to them.

931
00:49:52,679 --> 00:49:55,119
Speaker 2: You know, here, read this book.

932
00:49:56,360 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 3: Right, like give them information, right, but always make it

933
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:01,199
about the kid.

934
00:50:01,320 --> 00:50:03,440
Speaker 2: Don't make it about yourself, like I don't like that

935
00:50:03,519 --> 00:50:05,280
you're doing this. Well, I don't care what you like,

936
00:50:05,320 --> 00:50:05,920
and I don't like.

937
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:08,800
Speaker 3: You have to make it about the kid and what's

938
00:50:08,840 --> 00:50:11,920
about to happen to that child. And so I think

939
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:16,000
that's probably the best way to check somebody on what

940
00:50:16,039 --> 00:50:18,440
they're about to do, or something that they're currently doing,

941
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,079
or even something that they've already done.

942
00:50:22,559 --> 00:50:24,199
Speaker 2: If they have abandoned their child.

943
00:50:24,360 --> 00:50:28,119
Speaker 3: I'm one of those people that believes that there there's

944
00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:31,320
always hope. I think every child wants a relationship with

945
00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:35,239
their parents. Every child wants a relationship with their biological parent,

946
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:39,440
even if you've disregarded them for so long. I've said

947
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:43,559
this before, even though my father always kept me at

948
00:50:43,639 --> 00:50:46,199
arm's length and didn't act like he cared.

949
00:50:46,559 --> 00:50:49,239
Speaker 2: If my father was to call me at the age

950
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:52,840
of thirty and say, you know what, I was wrong,

951
00:50:53,239 --> 00:50:55,320
I want to start new and I want to have

952
00:50:55,360 --> 00:50:56,280
a relationship with you.

953
00:50:56,639 --> 00:50:59,559
Speaker 3: I would have started new with my father. You can't

954
00:50:59,559 --> 00:51:01,800
go back and fix the pass, but I could at

955
00:51:01,880 --> 00:51:05,079
least hear him out, hear his reasonings. Maybe he doesn't

956
00:51:05,119 --> 00:51:06,760
have a good reason. Maybe he says, you know, I

957
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:09,840
was being self. He's owning it, he's being accountable, he's

958
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:13,440
doing all of those things. I personally would have given

959
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:16,880
my father a chance. He never reached out to me.

960
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:21,000
I never ignored his calls. So I do think that

961
00:51:21,079 --> 00:51:25,280
it's possible. I've seen it happen, and there are just

962
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:29,440
there's a lot of situations where children are really struggling

963
00:51:29,559 --> 00:51:30,920
to connect with their parents.

964
00:51:31,599 --> 00:51:32,559
Speaker 2: A quick story I was.

965
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,280
Speaker 3: I was talking to this guy just recently, I think

966
00:51:35,280 --> 00:51:39,800
it was a few weeks ago, and we're engaging in

967
00:51:39,840 --> 00:51:42,280
this topic about the book and everything, and to the side,

968
00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:46,280
he's telling me how after he got divorced from his wife.

969
00:51:46,480 --> 00:51:47,960
Speaker 2: Those kids were a little bit older, I think they

970
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,159
were teenagers, but after.

971
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:54,519
Speaker 3: They got divorced, it created the schism and the wife

972
00:51:54,639 --> 00:51:56,800
was saying things about him and the.

973
00:51:56,880 --> 00:52:00,679
Speaker 2: Kids primarily with her, and there's a.

974
00:52:00,639 --> 00:52:06,440
Speaker 3: Lot of frustration from the kids towards him, and he's

975
00:52:06,519 --> 00:52:10,079
losing hope. He loves his kids, but he's losing hope

976
00:52:10,079 --> 00:52:13,360
because they're like, I don't want to talk to you.

977
00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:15,159
Speaker 2: They're keeping at arm's length.

978
00:52:15,599 --> 00:52:17,239
Speaker 3: What I had to explain to him is like, one,

979
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:19,719
you don't give up on them, because by giving up

980
00:52:19,760 --> 00:52:23,199
on them. It just validates what they're saying. And two,

981
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:26,199
your kids are hurting and this is their way of

982
00:52:26,239 --> 00:52:30,079
making you feel like how they feel, and so you

983
00:52:30,239 --> 00:52:32,760
have to deal with it. You have to work off

984
00:52:32,800 --> 00:52:36,000
of their time. And on top of that, because I

985
00:52:36,079 --> 00:52:37,920
think one of the mistakes he was making, He's like, well,

986
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,079
tell me specifically what I did, and I said, that's irrelevant.

987
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:42,800
Speaker 2: How they feel is how they feel.

988
00:52:43,599 --> 00:52:46,639
Speaker 3: But you just have to acknowledge that there was something

989
00:52:46,639 --> 00:52:48,679
that you did that made them feel the way it

990
00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:50,719
they feel, and you are sorry for it. You never

991
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:53,760
wanted to actually hurt them, and your apology you're not

992
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:57,239
trying to rationalize, well, you're mis remembering.

993
00:52:56,719 --> 00:52:59,599
Speaker 2: Because I actually did this. That's a mood point.

994
00:53:00,800 --> 00:53:03,599
Speaker 3: Your kids want you to hurt like they're hurting, and

995
00:53:03,639 --> 00:53:06,320
so you have to ease your way into their life.

996
00:53:06,639 --> 00:53:09,320
But you first have to one be accountable to acknowledge

997
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:13,440
their pain, and three be willing for that to still

998
00:53:14,079 --> 00:53:17,119
lead to them still keeping your arm's length.

999
00:53:17,119 --> 00:53:18,119
Speaker 2: For a period of time.

1000
00:53:18,400 --> 00:53:20,960
Speaker 3: But you keep persistent, you keep reaching out to them,

1001
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:24,360
you keep telling them that you love them, and I

1002
00:53:24,360 --> 00:53:26,039
actually need to follow up with them and see how

1003
00:53:26,119 --> 00:53:29,360
things are going. But he at least had hope after

1004
00:53:29,400 --> 00:53:31,599
that conversation, and he said, you know what, I'm going

1005
00:53:31,639 --> 00:53:34,440
to reach out to my oldest daughter who lives close

1006
00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:37,480
to me, and I'm going to I'm going to try that.

1007
00:53:39,239 --> 00:53:41,199
So I don't know if he had success with it

1008
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:44,639
just yet, but I'm hopeful that he will. He's a

1009
00:53:44,679 --> 00:53:47,119
sincere guy and he really wants to be in his

1010
00:53:47,199 --> 00:53:50,000
children's life, but it very clearly sounds like his kids

1011
00:53:50,039 --> 00:53:53,480
are hurting. So I do think that's why part of

1012
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:56,599
the solutions is you need to forgive your parents. Like

1013
00:53:56,840 --> 00:53:58,880
your parents, you're going to become a parent one day,

1014
00:53:59,199 --> 00:54:02,199
just like I I've admitted to my mom, like, I

1015
00:54:02,280 --> 00:54:02,639
get it.

1016
00:54:03,079 --> 00:54:04,960
Speaker 2: I completely understand your perspective.

1017
00:54:05,920 --> 00:54:08,400
Speaker 1: I've said that to myself so many times. You know,

1018
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,239
when you're a kid where you're like, oh my parents,

1019
00:54:10,320 --> 00:54:12,280
my parents, la la lah, and then as the adult,

1020
00:54:12,320 --> 00:54:15,719
you're like, WHOA, I know where they were coming from now.

1021
00:54:15,679 --> 00:54:20,000
Speaker 3: Right, You know, like my mother a single parent, trying

1022
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:24,800
to raise two kids, dealing with all the economic pressures,

1023
00:54:25,159 --> 00:54:31,199
managing us, not making enough money, homelessness, all these different things,

1024
00:54:31,599 --> 00:54:33,599
and I'm like, man, my mom's high strong.

1025
00:54:34,239 --> 00:54:36,639
Speaker 2: As an adult, I get where my mom's high strong.

1026
00:54:37,159 --> 00:54:40,400
She is stressed. Yeah, she has a lot of pressure

1027
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:40,639
on her.

1028
00:54:40,719 --> 00:54:44,320
Speaker 3: It's just her and we're moving a lot because she's

1029
00:54:44,360 --> 00:54:48,320
trying to get support from other people, you know. And

1030
00:54:48,480 --> 00:54:50,719
we never went in the system. We weren't on welfare

1031
00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:53,559
or anything like that. The closest that we were to

1032
00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:56,159
any sort of social safety that is, we were in

1033
00:54:56,239 --> 00:54:59,519
a homeless shelter that was only for there was like

1034
00:54:59,519 --> 00:55:01,519
two or three months. There was like two months that

1035
00:55:01,599 --> 00:55:04,760
we were there. But my mom was always working. She

1036
00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:07,559
worked a lot, and she's trying to take care of us,

1037
00:55:08,159 --> 00:55:10,239
and I get it, like she's not going to be

1038
00:55:10,239 --> 00:55:11,000
a perfect mom.

1039
00:55:11,440 --> 00:55:13,800
Speaker 2: She's going to be stressed because of all these different

1040
00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:14,679
things that are going on.

1041
00:55:15,480 --> 00:55:20,960
Speaker 3: And so I acknowledge these things, and I've said that

1042
00:55:21,039 --> 00:55:25,360
to her, and I've apologized or misunderstanding what she was

1043
00:55:25,400 --> 00:55:25,840
going through.

1044
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:28,159
Speaker 2: I've apologized or.

1045
00:55:29,039 --> 00:55:31,440
Speaker 3: Staying at arm's length from her because I'm dealing with

1046
00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:34,880
my stuff, you know. So I do think that at

1047
00:55:34,880 --> 00:55:37,440
the root of this book, there's there's healing. It's not

1048
00:55:37,599 --> 00:55:40,519
just everyone is bad, everyone's doing these things wrong.

1049
00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:41,840
Speaker 2: That's not my approach.

1050
00:55:42,039 --> 00:55:44,440
Speaker 3: My approach is we have if we're going to change anything,

1051
00:55:44,440 --> 00:55:48,559
we have to acknowledge that there's something wrong, right, and

1052
00:55:48,599 --> 00:55:51,360
we all do something wrong. I've done stuff wrong as

1053
00:55:51,360 --> 00:55:54,480
a parent. We have to acknowledge it if we're going

1054
00:55:54,519 --> 00:55:56,079
to change it right.

1055
00:55:56,119 --> 00:55:59,239
Speaker 2: But we can't. We can't heal if we pretend that

1056
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:02,519
everything is fine. And clearly, I'm looking all around me.

1057
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,519
Speaker 3: Every person I've told you about this book when it

1058
00:56:05,599 --> 00:56:07,960
was coming out, just regular people. I'm like, by the

1059
00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:10,840
way I'm writing this book always about tell them the topic. Oh,

1060
00:56:11,079 --> 00:56:15,719
I know someone, my cousin, my sister. Everyone knows someone

1061
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:21,159
who's dealing with the outcomes of divorce or single parenthood.

1062
00:56:21,559 --> 00:56:25,679
Speaker 2: Every one. And I'm like, if you knew if every

1063
00:56:25,719 --> 00:56:28,000
person you came across knew someone who died of a

1064
00:56:28,039 --> 00:56:30,599
drug overdose, she'd be like, drug it overs it's a

1065
00:56:30,679 --> 00:56:35,239
really big deal, right, But we're dealing with family separation,

1066
00:56:35,800 --> 00:56:39,199
and everyone knows someone. If you have to come across.

1067
00:56:38,880 --> 00:56:42,519
Speaker 3: Someone who's never known anyone in their life personally, that

1068
00:56:42,599 --> 00:56:45,400
isn't going through some sort of divorce.

1069
00:56:45,400 --> 00:56:46,719
Speaker 2: Or single parenthood situation.

1070
00:56:47,360 --> 00:56:50,239
Speaker 3: My wife, she grew up in Brooklyn. She said every

1071
00:56:50,320 --> 00:56:53,679
house was the mother leading the house. There was no

1072
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:57,239
father except for one family, and they were from the Caribbean.

1073
00:56:57,880 --> 00:57:03,119
Speaker 2: Wow, So like her, it was normal. Yep, that was

1074
00:57:03,159 --> 00:57:06,119
a normal situation until we got together and we really

1075
00:57:06,119 --> 00:57:08,280
talked about these things, and she grew up without her

1076
00:57:08,320 --> 00:57:11,800
father and we discussed these things. She's like, Man, I didn't.

1077
00:57:11,599 --> 00:57:16,840
Speaker 3: Realize how impactful, how that affected me as a young woman.

1078
00:57:17,360 --> 00:57:19,639
And as I'm looking in hindsight like, oh yeah, not

1079
00:57:19,719 --> 00:57:22,000
having my father, that's why I ran into these situations

1080
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:24,519
and ran into these particular guys and stuff like that,

1081
00:57:25,159 --> 00:57:28,239
and I'm just like, it's all around us. We pretend

1082
00:57:28,280 --> 00:57:31,760
that everything is fine, and I think that is It

1083
00:57:31,840 --> 00:57:36,239
is this delusion that's keeping us almost like stagnant.

1084
00:57:37,519 --> 00:57:39,440
Speaker 1: For more of this, you can look up the book

1085
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:42,079
The Children We Left Behind. It is out this week

1086
00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,440
everywhere books are sold. Wrongspeak dot net is also the

1087
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,960
website we can read more from Adam Coleman. He's on

1088
00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:51,079
x as well. Just search for his name and you'll

1089
00:57:51,079 --> 00:57:54,079
find it. Adam, thank you for joining the Federalist Radio

1090
00:57:54,119 --> 00:57:54,639
Hour today.

1091
00:57:55,440 --> 00:57:56,880
Speaker 2: That was my pleasure. I had a good time.

1092
00:57:58,239 --> 00:58:00,960
Speaker 1: And ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to lovers of freedom

1093
00:58:01,039 --> 00:58:03,039
and anxious for the fray. We'll see you next time.