WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.640 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.519 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to Doctor Wendy Wall's show. 4 00:00:09.560 --> 00:00:15.759 I'm KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So, 5 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:19.039 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, 6 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.760 but I'm really obsessed with the science of love. I've 7 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:26.640 written three books on relationships and did a dissertation on 8 00:00:26.719 --> 00:00:30.160 attachment theory. In today's show, I want to talk both 9 00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:34.079 about our relationships and also our mental health. We have 10 00:00:34.119 --> 00:00:36.159 a guest coming on later who is going to talk 11 00:00:36.200 --> 00:00:39.840 to us about a kind of dreaming that I do 12 00:00:39.960 --> 00:00:44.159 a lot, lucid dreaming. Apparently it's something you can learn 13 00:00:44.200 --> 00:00:47.479 to do. It's kind of an out of body experience. Anyway, 14 00:00:47.560 --> 00:00:50.520 It's used to treat all kinds of things. You'll take 15 00:00:50.520 --> 00:00:52.759 it for what it's worth. I'm really curious to talk 16 00:00:52.759 --> 00:00:57.920 to him. Also, this week, I have to share something 17 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:00.880 with you. A really big thing happened in my life, 18 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:04.760 something I've been planning for for years and years and years. 19 00:01:05.560 --> 00:01:11.200 I got lens replacement eye surgery. I have worn glasses 20 00:01:11.239 --> 00:01:15.319 since the fourth grade. I have twenty twenty vision right now. 21 00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:21.079 It's crazy. Kayla, you're so beautiful, Actor one, congratulations. 22 00:01:21.159 --> 00:01:23.040 You look beautiful without your or you look beautiful with 23 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:25.120 your glasses, but without those eyes are just hot. 24 00:01:25.200 --> 00:01:27.120 Well, I can't wear makeup for a few weeks and 25 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:31.040 I don't look like Pamela Anderson. You look better. So 26 00:01:32.439 --> 00:01:36.799 let me tell you. I here's my theory that as 27 00:01:36.840 --> 00:01:39.439 we get older. Well, first of all, let me tell 28 00:01:39.439 --> 00:01:41.599 you the phenomenon of why people need They used to 29 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:43.719 call it and still call it cataract surgery. It just 30 00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:46.400 means that your lens get cloudy, and it is a 31 00:01:46.480 --> 00:01:50.879 lifetime of everything black coffee, red wine, too much food, 32 00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:54.040 too much pollution, antibiotics. I don't know all the things 33 00:01:54.040 --> 00:01:56.040 of clouds your lens, but tons of them, and you 34 00:01:56.079 --> 00:01:58.840 don't realize it. It's just subtle. You start turning on 35 00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:01.560 lights more and more and more. Night driving becomes a 36 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:03.719 little harder, you know. And I would go to my 37 00:02:03.760 --> 00:02:06.439 eye doctor every year and I'd say, oh, And then 38 00:02:06.519 --> 00:02:08.960 the other thing is I used to wear contacts for years, 39 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.159 and then my eyes got pretty dry and I couldn't 40 00:02:12.199 --> 00:02:14.759 keep contacts in for many hours, and I would say, 41 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:17.039 can I get Lasix? Can I get la siks. I 42 00:02:17.120 --> 00:02:19.080 used to say that all the time because everyone's getting Lasix. 43 00:02:19.759 --> 00:02:21.599 And he said, no, there's a good chance it could 44 00:02:21.599 --> 00:02:24.639 disqualify you for the other kind of surgery. That's what 45 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:26.680 he would tell me. Anyway, who knows what the latest 46 00:02:26.680 --> 00:02:29.199 news is. But he was so cute because he would 47 00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:33.080 say to me, you know, the longer you wait, the better. 48 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:36.639 Let me tell you why. The technology keeps getting better 49 00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:40.719 and better, the surgeons keep getting younger and so weird. 50 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:44.360 Just so I just you know, probably for five years 51 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:48.039 I've been asking for this surgery, and then this year 52 00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:50.199 he came to me and said, okay, you're there. You're 53 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:53.080 finally there. You qualify. I'm sending you to a surgeon. 54 00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:55.919 There are lots of great eye surgeons here in the city. 55 00:02:56.039 --> 00:02:58.120 I happen to go to a woman named doctor Nicole Fram. 56 00:02:58.199 --> 00:02:59.680 She didn't pay me to say that. I'm just saying 57 00:03:00.120 --> 00:03:03.960 I love her. But there are lots of great eye surgeons, 58 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.919 and the technology has advanced. And I got the kind 59 00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:09.240 of lens that insurance doesn't cover, you pay a little 60 00:03:09.280 --> 00:03:12.199 extra for and so that I can see up close 61 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:16.120 middle and far away. So like, literally the day after 62 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:18.599 my surgery on my first eye, I could look at 63 00:03:18.599 --> 00:03:22.479 my iPhone without glasses, which was really cool. So here's 64 00:03:22.520 --> 00:03:28.080 my theory that as we age, you know, our brain 65 00:03:28.120 --> 00:03:32.360 at all times is taking in sensory information. Right, It's 66 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:37.159 pulling in information from site, sound, smell, touch, It's pulling 67 00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:41.680 in data constantly, And as we age and our equipment 68 00:03:42.240 --> 00:03:45.919 starts to filter things out and we're not getting the 69 00:03:46.000 --> 00:03:50.520 full story. I think the neurotransmitters start to shut down. 70 00:03:50.840 --> 00:03:53.599 I think it's probably the best thing, certainly for my 71 00:03:53.719 --> 00:03:57.520 health to be able to see clearly, because it's sending 72 00:03:57.560 --> 00:04:01.319 more information to my brain. I don't know why, but Kayla, 73 00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:04.360 when I put my headset on here, wasn't I saying 74 00:04:04.400 --> 00:04:06.080 to you, like, can you turn me down? Can you 75 00:04:06.080 --> 00:04:07.280 turn me down? It's too loud? 76 00:04:07.439 --> 00:04:10.240 Yeah, you're You're never like that either, Like you're always 77 00:04:10.240 --> 00:04:11.560 perfectly fine with the value. 78 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:13.639 So do you think my hearing got better because my 79 00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:14.479 eyesight got better? 80 00:04:14.599 --> 00:04:16.879 I do think all the senses affect each other, so 81 00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:17.759 that might be a thing. 82 00:04:17.879 --> 00:04:18.839 It's the weirdest thing. 83 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:19.480 Honestly. 84 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:22.600 I gotta try touch now, I gotta hug ulio closer. 85 00:04:23.319 --> 00:04:26.079 You gotta report back to us, so even though I've 86 00:04:26.079 --> 00:04:27.920 been Okay, so you get one eye done, right, they 87 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:30.160 do one at a time, your non dominant eye, and 88 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:32.560 then you have a week to recover, settle in and everything, 89 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:34.319 and then you get the other eye done and the 90 00:04:34.360 --> 00:04:36.319 other eye. You know, I just did this week, and 91 00:04:37.240 --> 00:04:39.439 but I was still able to watch TV and look 92 00:04:39.480 --> 00:04:42.079 at my phone like a day after. Uh So we 93 00:04:42.120 --> 00:04:46.600 started watching White Locusts and we're on season three. Now, 94 00:04:46.639 --> 00:04:48.040 have you ever watched that series. 95 00:04:47.759 --> 00:04:50.959 White white lotus, lotus, Locus, lotus, lotus, lotus. 96 00:04:51.439 --> 00:04:54.199 It's a flower, a locus. Well, it feels like a 97 00:04:54.240 --> 00:04:58.040 locus coming in. Okay, let me just say that. Oh gosh, 98 00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:04.079 all right, so there. It is such a study in 99 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:09.759 dysfunctional families, dysfunctional relationships. I could literally just quote from 100 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:12.800 that show all day long and tell you about what 101 00:05:12.920 --> 00:05:16.120 not to do in your love lives. Like the family 102 00:05:16.160 --> 00:05:20.279 that's visiting from North Carolina with it's Arnold Schwarzeneger Maria 103 00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:25.040 Shriver's son is the actor who plays are you allowed 104 00:05:25.079 --> 00:05:26.279 to say on the radio? 105 00:05:27.639 --> 00:05:29.079 I'm going to bleep that just in case? 106 00:05:29.319 --> 00:05:32.120 Okay, Well, that's what he's actually called. On the show. 107 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:35.160 Well, it isn't like a thing that you used to like. 108 00:05:35.199 --> 00:05:35.839 It's a cleaner. 109 00:05:36.000 --> 00:05:39.040 It's a thing that women use to clean the internal 110 00:05:39.079 --> 00:05:40.720 part of their genitate. 111 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:41.800 You shouldn't do that. 112 00:05:41.800 --> 00:05:43.519 You shouldn't do it. Yeah, just saying that's what my 113 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:47.319 doctors told me. So anyway, he is referred to as that. Basically, 114 00:05:47.560 --> 00:05:51.000 he's a player kind of guy, and I think he's 115 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.759 supposed to be in his mid twenties, and he's got 116 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.519 an eighteen year old brother who he's trying to, you know, 117 00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:02.560 have introduced him to sex and trying hard. And then 118 00:06:02.680 --> 00:06:05.680 there's a girl who's clearly separated from the family. She's 119 00:06:05.680 --> 00:06:08.160 about to graduate from college and she is not aligning 120 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:11.480 with their values at all. And you find out wants 121 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:15.839 to actually stay in Thailand and become joins some monastery 122 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:21.199 with some monks. The dad, his entire identity is just 123 00:06:21.439 --> 00:06:25.439 around wealth and finances and I can't give it away, 124 00:06:25.480 --> 00:06:28.439 but that's all about to fall apart. But the more 125 00:06:28.480 --> 00:06:32.560 interesting relationship for me was the girl. I don't know 126 00:06:32.600 --> 00:06:34.639 the name of this actress. She was in that series 127 00:06:34.680 --> 00:06:36.920 Sex Education, and she has the big buck teeth. And 128 00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:40.000 I can say it because at one point in the show, 129 00:06:40.040 --> 00:06:42.519 she meets another girl and she says to the girl, Oh, 130 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:44.879 I like your bathing suit or whatever. The other girl says, 131 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:48.279 I like your teeth, So it's clear her teeth come 132 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:50.560 in the room before she does it. And she's so cute. No, 133 00:06:50.720 --> 00:06:53.000 she's so adorable, and I'm so glad she didn't get 134 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:55.600 them fixed. I think they're so sweet anyway. That actress, 135 00:06:55.639 --> 00:06:59.399 she's English, is in a relationship with a totally emotionally 136 00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:02.680 avoidant man, and she plays like the cheerleader all the time. 137 00:07:02.680 --> 00:07:04.720 She's trying to cheer him up, and she's extra up 138 00:07:04.759 --> 00:07:08.959 and extra happy. And I see people like this all 139 00:07:09.319 --> 00:07:12.560 the time in life. Here's one partner doing all the 140 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:15.480 emotional work, trying to be the cheerleader, and the other 141 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:19.560 one feeling engulfed or grumpy or angry. I want to 142 00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:22.879 see what happens to their relationship down the road. Because 143 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:25.879 he started to see some Thai therapist and start to 144 00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:28.399 get into his child we're learning about his childhood on 145 00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:31.879 the show. You know they don't dump all the episodes 146 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:33.040 at once, Kayla. That's the thing. 147 00:07:33.079 --> 00:07:33.439 I hate. 148 00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:35.720 You gotta wait week week, week, week week. I think 149 00:07:35.720 --> 00:07:37.000 we're only at week four or five. 150 00:07:37.079 --> 00:07:38.879 Now that's when I let him build up and then 151 00:07:38.959 --> 00:07:41.279 just get a good binge in and then when it's 152 00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:42.040 all there, just go. 153 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:44.839 In, get that bingein. Yeah, all right. When we come back, 154 00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:49.079 here are some questions that this girl clearly did not 155 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:52.600 ask this man. I'm talking about the characters. I'm white, 156 00:07:52.639 --> 00:07:57.079 not locus Lotus. When we come back, let's talk about 157 00:07:57.079 --> 00:08:00.000 some things that if people are meeting for the first 158 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:04.920 time in the early stages of dating, some really important 159 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:08.879 questions they should be asking each other to find out 160 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:14.319 if somebody you know is commitment oriented, has the mental 161 00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:17.480 health and the emotional health to have a healthy relationship. 162 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:20.000 Let's talk about these questions when we come back. You 163 00:08:20.040 --> 00:08:21.879 are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on k 164 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:25.639 I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 165 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:30.199 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 166 00:08:30.439 --> 00:08:31.319 AM six forty. 167 00:08:31.680 --> 00:08:34.600 Welcome back to the Dodor Wendywall Show on KFI AM 168 00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.960 six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, 169 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:40.159 the first book I wrote was called The Boyfriend Test. 170 00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:43.720 How do we evaluate his potential before you lose your heart? 171 00:08:44.360 --> 00:08:46.879 And it was a series of questions that people should 172 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:51.399 be asking themselves about the dude they're dating, and this 173 00:08:51.440 --> 00:08:53.519 could apply to any gender. By the way, the reason 174 00:08:53.559 --> 00:08:57.960 why I talked about boyfriend test and questions to ask 175 00:08:58.039 --> 00:09:02.000 about him was because apparently men don't buy relationship books, 176 00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:05.720 although they should, and gentlemen, if you're listening, the one 177 00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:08.559 book you should buy isn't mine. It's a book called 178 00:09:08.679 --> 00:09:11.679 Attached The New Science of Love, And then you'll learn 179 00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:14.320 about attachment so that you'll know what I'm talking about. Okay, 180 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:19.919 So in that book, the Boyfriend Test, I talked about 181 00:09:19.919 --> 00:09:21.879 a number of questions that you might want to ask 182 00:09:21.919 --> 00:09:24.679 on a new date, or information that you might want 183 00:09:24.679 --> 00:09:27.759 to find out about somebody in the first few weeks 184 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:30.960 of dating that will give you an indication of whether 185 00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:33.960 you know this is going to be a thing, not 186 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:38.639 necessarily if you're compatible with them, but if they're healthy 187 00:09:38.759 --> 00:09:41.879 enough to have a healthy relationship. Now, I just want 188 00:09:41.919 --> 00:09:45.840 to remind you of a few statistics. So the average 189 00:09:45.879 --> 00:09:49.399 age of first time marriage has been going up every year. 190 00:09:49.840 --> 00:09:53.279 It's actually thirty point five thirty and a half years 191 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:55.879 for men right now, twenty eight and a half for women. 192 00:09:56.799 --> 00:10:00.039 But hold the train here and listen to what that 193 00:10:00.120 --> 00:10:03.519 number means. That means that by the time a woman 194 00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:06.960 is twenty eight and a half, half the men are 195 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:10.159 off the market, right, Because that's the mean, that's the average. 196 00:10:10.600 --> 00:10:11.559 They're already married. 197 00:10:12.120 --> 00:10:12.279 Now. 198 00:10:12.320 --> 00:10:16.480 The other half that are left are marriageable and marrying late, 199 00:10:17.799 --> 00:10:21.879 or they have an avoidant personality style and attachment style, 200 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:25.159 they're afraid of intimacy, or they have trauma in their 201 00:10:25.200 --> 00:10:27.679 early life and are going to bring that trauma right 202 00:10:27.679 --> 00:10:30.960 into the relationship with you, or they're a player and 203 00:10:31.000 --> 00:10:33.240 are never going to settle down. Whatever. There are all 204 00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:36.200 kinds of people out there, but the fact that half 205 00:10:36.240 --> 00:10:39.919 of them are married means that the most healthy, commitment 206 00:10:39.960 --> 00:10:42.919 oriented ones are off the market. So I would venture 207 00:10:42.960 --> 00:10:47.600 to say that the pool of potential mates once you 208 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:51.840 get over thirty becomes well, it's a prickly path, right, Kayla. 209 00:10:52.000 --> 00:10:53.679 I mean you've been doing some dating and you're like, 210 00:10:53.759 --> 00:10:59.559 oh yeah, oh, don't you crying? All right, So listen up, 211 00:10:59.720 --> 00:11:03.320 Kayla and anybody else. Here's some questions to ask on 212 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:05.519 a date. All right, here's the most important question you 213 00:11:05.519 --> 00:11:07.159 should ask on a date. And I love to ask 214 00:11:07.279 --> 00:11:08.879 you still love to ask it on a first date. 215 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:14.720 Here's a question, are you in a relationship right now? Now? 216 00:11:14.759 --> 00:11:17.120 I know it seems like a totally strange question because 217 00:11:17.159 --> 00:11:20.000 you're asking somebody who's clearly behaving like a single person. 218 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:23.879 They're on a first date with you. But it's their 219 00:11:23.919 --> 00:11:27.720 reaction to this, I think kind of silly question that's 220 00:11:27.759 --> 00:11:31.679 really important. If they get defensive, if they get angry, 221 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:35.360 it indicates that they might actually be dating someone, or 222 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:37.679 living with someone, or even married to someone. If they 223 00:11:37.679 --> 00:11:41.159 get mad that you ask that question, then you got 224 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:44.279 to wonder, why are they defensive right now? If they 225 00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:47.120 find the question humorous, then they're going to see it 226 00:11:47.159 --> 00:11:49.600 as a really cute joke. This tells you they got 227 00:11:49.639 --> 00:11:50.320 a sense of humor. 228 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:51.000 That's good. 229 00:11:51.639 --> 00:11:55.320 And sometimes you might get lucky and they might answer 230 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:59.120 honestly like, yeah, actually I'm dating two people right now, 231 00:11:59.559 --> 00:12:03.799 and then this can open up the whole conversation to well, 232 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:08.519 are you looking for monogamy? Are you looking for one person? 233 00:12:08.679 --> 00:12:11.679 And how's it going with those other two? Is one 234 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:13.360 in the lead or the other? I mean, you could 235 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:16.440 almost be their wingman at that point asking about it. 236 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:19.440 But you can find out information because it opens up 237 00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:22.000 the conversation and look when you do ask the question, 238 00:12:22.360 --> 00:12:26.039 are you in a relationship? Now? Make it fun, Just 239 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:29.200 pretend like to be deadly serious this, lower your voice, 240 00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:32.440 look them right in the eye, and then you know, 241 00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:34.519 I have a really important question to ask you. And 242 00:12:34.519 --> 00:12:37.080 they lean in what And then you pause and you say, 243 00:12:37.799 --> 00:12:41.039 are you in a relationship? Right now? Again? They might 244 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.120 do a belly laugh, and then you can feel safe 245 00:12:43.240 --> 00:12:44.960 and they go, why are you asking me that? What 246 00:12:45.039 --> 00:12:48.399 a crazy question? And they get all defensive. There's information 247 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:53.039 in that. Okay, here's another important question to ask, maybe 248 00:12:53.039 --> 00:12:57.120 even on a first date. What's the longest relationship you've 249 00:12:57.159 --> 00:13:00.000 ever had? Remember what I said about the mating pool 250 00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:02.559 over the age of thirty, right, you're going to have 251 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:05.080 a lot of people who can't have a healthy relationship. 252 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:07.720 They're the leftover group that are still out there single. 253 00:13:08.440 --> 00:13:13.080 So the answer to this question indicate someone's ability to 254 00:13:13.120 --> 00:13:15.759 be faithful or at least make a commitment to someone. 255 00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:18.840 And here's my theory, and this is my opinion, just 256 00:13:18.879 --> 00:13:20.679 my opinion. There's no research on this. Here we go 257 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:24.039 personal opinion, Auntie Wendy. Here, if that person is over 258 00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:26.559 thirty and they haven't had a solid relationship, of at 259 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:29.200 least a year or more. Raise your eyebrows. 260 00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:29.960 Okay. 261 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:34.559 People who have a secure attachment style, they may not 262 00:13:34.759 --> 00:13:39.639 marry in their twenties, but they do practice monogamy and 263 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:42.799 they play house on their way to making a commitment 264 00:13:43.240 --> 00:13:47.480 to a long term mate. People with an insecure attachment style, 265 00:13:48.000 --> 00:13:54.480 I'm sorry. They're prone to relationship instability, drama, frequent partner 266 00:13:54.600 --> 00:14:00.080 changes and so and also those kind of people off 267 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:03.399 and don't look within. They tend to blame their partners 268 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:08.399 when things go wrong. Right, So here's the question. What's 269 00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:11.480 the longest relationship you've ever had? Don't ask it in 270 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:14.919 an accusatory way. Just make it fun and exploratory, like 271 00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:17.200 I have a question, So I'll tell you. The longest 272 00:14:17.240 --> 00:14:20.320 relationship I've been in is two years. What's the longest 273 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:22.919 when you've been in? You know and get the information? 274 00:14:24.399 --> 00:14:25.200 Are you laughing at me? 275 00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:29.679 Ka? I can't go. It's so cute when I do 276 00:14:29.759 --> 00:14:32.159 my real laugh, though, Julio says, I laugh like a witch. 277 00:14:34.120 --> 00:14:38.159 Apparently I I can hear that. Ye, apparently I do, 278 00:14:38.639 --> 00:14:40.759 all right. Third question, This is the most important question 279 00:14:40.759 --> 00:14:42.519 you could ever ask. I wouldn't ask it on a 280 00:14:42.519 --> 00:14:44.960 first date. It certainly should not be a conversation opener, 281 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:48.360 but it's the most telling. How would you describe your 282 00:14:48.360 --> 00:14:53.399 relationship with your mother? This is so informative because people 283 00:14:53.559 --> 00:14:57.799 tend to model their romantic relationships after the relationship they 284 00:14:57.799 --> 00:15:00.720 had with their opposite gender parent. So there are two 285 00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:02.879 extremes in an answer here that should raise a bit 286 00:15:02.919 --> 00:15:05.360 of a red flag. The first is if they say 287 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:07.279 I hate her, I don't really talk to my mother, 288 00:15:07.399 --> 00:15:10.720 I don't like her. Whatever, you got to run because 289 00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:13.320 soon that is how they're going to feel about you. 290 00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:17.639 The second extreme, though, even though you think this sounds good, 291 00:15:17.960 --> 00:15:19.919 is they say, oh my god, I love my mother. 292 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:23.200 She's amazing, she's my best friend. I call her every day. 293 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:25.559 I do my laundry at her house. She still cooks 294 00:15:25.600 --> 00:15:28.919 for me sometimes. No no, no no no. If that's 295 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:31.320 a dude, he already has a wife, you will only 296 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:33.960 ever be his mistress. He'll never be able to separate 297 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:35.440 from her. And I do want to say, when I 298 00:15:35.480 --> 00:15:38.200 was dating, I used to notice a lot of single 299 00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:44.840 moms with only child males they almost become the boyfriend. 300 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:50.039 It's very interesting anyway, not a conversation starter. So those 301 00:15:50.080 --> 00:15:52.759 are the big three questions. Are you in a relationship now, 302 00:15:53.200 --> 00:15:57.919 what's the longest relationship you've ever had, and how would 303 00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:02.559 you describe your relationship with your mother? Hey, have you 304 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:05.879 gone through a breakup recently? I'm sorry it hurts, I know, 305 00:16:05.960 --> 00:16:09.720 whether it's divorce, whether it was just time you had 306 00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:13.159 to expel that. Mate, Let's talk about how long it 307 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:17.240 really takes to get over an X and the process. Okay, 308 00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:19.519 when we come back, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy 309 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:22.480 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 310 00:16:22.679 --> 00:16:23.960 on the iHeartRadio app. 311 00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:29.480 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 312 00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:30.639 AM six forty. 313 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:37.639 Welcome back to the Doctor Hi am six forty Everywhere Radio. 314 00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:41.600 You know, I think that probably the biggest pain I've 315 00:16:41.639 --> 00:16:44.440 ever felt in my life was not physical pain. It 316 00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:47.600 was emotional pain. There's actually some research to say that 317 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:50.320 emotional pain hits the brain in the same place as 318 00:16:50.320 --> 00:16:58.360 physical pain. It's terrible, and unfortunately, many people are cautious 319 00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:01.519 about getting into relationships, not because they're afraid of love, 320 00:17:02.039 --> 00:17:06.480 but because they're afraid of the breakup. Right, Remember, nobody 321 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:09.200 is going to very few people, Okay, are going to 322 00:17:09.240 --> 00:17:11.480 meet early in life. They're going to date the first 323 00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:13.559 person they meet, and they're going to stay together until 324 00:17:13.559 --> 00:17:17.440 they die. The truth is that our love lives are 325 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:21.880 filled with learning, filled with lessons on how to be 326 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:25.160 a better partner, how to choose better partners, how to 327 00:17:25.200 --> 00:17:28.119 relate to partners in different ways, and we have to 328 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:32.480 do that experientially, and part of it is a breakup 329 00:17:32.960 --> 00:17:38.400 right now. I often hear that people say, oh, you know, 330 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:41.559 you should just get back right out there, or you 331 00:17:41.640 --> 00:17:44.480 need to take some time to grieve. I don't think 332 00:17:44.559 --> 00:17:48.640 there's any one right way to do it, because some 333 00:17:48.680 --> 00:17:52.680 people who quote unquote take the time to grieve actually 334 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:55.200 aren't doing the work of going to therapy and learning 335 00:17:55.200 --> 00:17:59.240 about their peace in it and learning better relationship skills. Instead, 336 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:03.119 they're just avoiding, right, And you don't learn anything by avoiding. 337 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:06.359 I always say that relationships are like a gymnasium for 338 00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:09.079 the mind. You got to have something to push against, right. 339 00:18:09.079 --> 00:18:12.440 You need some resistance in order to be a better person. 340 00:18:13.240 --> 00:18:17.680 So there is some research to show that if you 341 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:23.839 do spend some time thinking bad things about your ex, 342 00:18:24.240 --> 00:18:27.480 I don't mean wishing them bad things. I mean when 343 00:18:27.480 --> 00:18:30.000 you go back through your memories, take off those rose 344 00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:33.960 colored glasses and literally say to yourself, well, she did this, 345 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:36.880 and she did that, and he did that and da 346 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:39.799 da da daha, because that helps your brain. You're constantly 347 00:18:39.799 --> 00:18:42.559 being reminded of why it's not good for you, because 348 00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:46.000 if you're not doing that thought process instead what your 349 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:49.319 brain is doing, or things like maybe I'm not good enough? 350 00:18:49.720 --> 00:18:51.880 Why did it have to break up? Right? Because you're 351 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:54.759 in your pain. I also want to want to explain 352 00:18:54.759 --> 00:18:58.759 why breakups hurt so much. So a relationship actually becomes 353 00:18:58.839 --> 00:19:02.039 part of us, literally part of our identity. It's like 354 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:05.759 two brains. They cooperate and collaborate, and they share the 355 00:19:05.799 --> 00:19:09.000 thinking and they share the tasks. And so when you 356 00:19:09.079 --> 00:19:11.880 break up with someone, you lose half of yourself. Your 357 00:19:11.880 --> 00:19:15.400 brain literally has to grow these new areas, both as 358 00:19:15.440 --> 00:19:19.240 a social identity and also as an internal sense of self. 359 00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:22.079 So it takes a while to get over an X. 360 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:26.400 Now there's a new study that investigated how long it 361 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:30.079 takes to get over an ex partner. It was published 362 00:19:30.160 --> 00:19:36.799 in the scientific journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, and 363 00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:39.640 it was trying to ask the questions, is you know 364 00:19:39.720 --> 00:19:42.400 if you were with somebody for a long time? Does 365 00:19:42.440 --> 00:19:48.279 it take longer? Volunteers answered a range of questions about 366 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:51.920 their emotional bonds with their exes, because remember, some people 367 00:19:51.920 --> 00:19:56.880 are a little more emotionally entwined than others. And you're 368 00:19:56.920 --> 00:19:59.920 going to be surprised by how long it took pe 369 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.279 people to get over their ex Kayla, if you had 370 00:20:03.319 --> 00:20:05.839 to guess, what would you say? 371 00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:08.359 I was actually at a girl's dinner not too long ago, 372 00:20:08.519 --> 00:20:10.200 and this one girl said that she broke up four 373 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:11.640 years ago from her ex. 374 00:20:11.680 --> 00:20:13.519 And she's still still talking about. 375 00:20:13.319 --> 00:20:15.200 Him, she's still on him, she still misses him. 376 00:20:15.279 --> 00:20:19.480 Mm hmm. I used to think you should be over 377 00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:21.640 it in a year, like it's just like losing your 378 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:23.839 baby fat after pregnancy. You got a year Like I 379 00:20:23.880 --> 00:20:26.640 don't know, but I'm wrong, I am wrong. 380 00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:27.079 Okay. 381 00:20:27.279 --> 00:20:30.240 There were three hundred and twenty eight volunteers in this study. 382 00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:34.519 Their average age was early thirties. They were about fifty 383 00:20:34.559 --> 00:20:39.240 percent women fifty percent men. On average, they had been 384 00:20:39.319 --> 00:20:44.160 together with their exes for four point six years, So 385 00:20:44.359 --> 00:20:46.880 four point six years is how long they'd been together. 386 00:20:47.960 --> 00:20:51.119 And guess how long it took these people to get 387 00:20:51.119 --> 00:20:54.400 over four point six years? Nearly four point one eight years. 388 00:20:55.240 --> 00:20:56.440 That was the average. 389 00:20:57.039 --> 00:20:59.799 Oh my goodness's crazy. And it also said for the 390 00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:04.720 t hypical person, the bond to an ex didn't completely 391 00:21:04.759 --> 00:21:10.440 fade away until eight years later. Eight years they've been 392 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:13.799 together four and a half. That is a long time. 393 00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:17.400 I want to tell you if you have to stay connected, 394 00:21:17.640 --> 00:21:20.440 like because you're sharing a dog or kids or a 395 00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:24.039 mortgage or whatever, it's gonna take way longer. If you're 396 00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:29.160 able to literally go no contact and defriend them, unfriend them, 397 00:21:29.279 --> 00:21:33.759 unfollow them, all that stuff online and even like choose 398 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:36.680 not to socialize with some of the mutual friends in 399 00:21:36.759 --> 00:21:39.920 case the friends drop information about the X. So it's 400 00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:42.359 kind of like make it out of sight, out of mind. 401 00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:46.000