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Speaker 1: This episode contains adult language theme party The podcast episode

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five Monster Bucker Part one by Jada Mendoza.

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Speaker 2: Jimmy far Seeker was one of the most powerful monster

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hummers in Mortalia, famously known for slaying the insidious King

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of demon folk locks them as the powerful.

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Speaker 1: So lucky.

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Speaker 3: I thought i'd find you in here.

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Speaker 2: I was just tired from the festivities. Festivities. Huh yeah,

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been festing.

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Speaker 4: Get up.

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Speaker 3: Apparently you've been festing so hard that I haven't seen

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you at all since the ceremony this morning.

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Speaker 2: Well, I mean, you know how.

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Speaker 5: Huge Unification Day is, and using.

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Speaker 2: Magic's not fair?

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Speaker 3: All right, the jig is up? What's with all the books,

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young lady?

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Speaker 2: Okay, fine, I've been reading up on Grandma.

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Speaker 3: I see. I knew you were acting strange when I

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announced the statue this morning.

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Speaker 2: I just don't understand.

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Speaker 5: Why are we announcing the statue of a renowned monster hunter.

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Speaker 2: On Unification Day?

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Speaker 5: I mean, do we really want to celebrate someone who

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was openly murdering our kind just a couple decades ago? Like,

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it just doesn't make sense to me. How does Dad

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even feel about this?

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Speaker 3: Your father got along quite well with my mother.

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Speaker 2: You're joking right, I'm being very serious.

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Speaker 6: But why well, this is a story I probably should

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have told you sooner, but I think you're old enough

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to handle it now.

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Speaker 3: It's the story of Unification Day.

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Speaker 2: Mom. Come on, they teach that story in history classes.

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Speaker 3: This isn't the one they teach you in school. It's

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the actual story.

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Speaker 2: What do you mean by the actual story?

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Speaker 3: Just listen. It all started when your grandmother came to

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visit me in the capital for my graduation from the

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Sorcerer's Academy, Amelia.

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Speaker 1: I'm here at the.

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Speaker 7: Door, Hi, Mom, Sorry about that.

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Speaker 2: Just let me in.

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Speaker 3: I was just doing some last minute tidying. I didn't

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think you'd be here so early. Lots of commotion outside.

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Speaker 1: Those kids don't know what the hell they're talking about.

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Demonfolk are just like us, my ass. They're not even

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old enough to remember the Great Creature War.

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Speaker 3: I mean, you haven't been to the city in a while.

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People are really starting to warm up to demonfolk now,

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so it makes sense that they're getting mad about the

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king wanting to encroach on their land again. It's not

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like it was back then.

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Speaker 1: It's the only thing I really agree with the king about. Honestly,

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if it were up to me. I would have done

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this a lot sooner. That land is rightfully ours.

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Speaker 3: Because you rightfully wanted in the war. I get it, Mom,

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you've said this a million times before.

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Speaker 1: Hey, now, what's with that attitude. Your grandparents died in

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the Great Creature War. You know you better show them

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some respect if you're gonna be a monster hunter yourself.

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And now that you're done with this sorcery business, you

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should try to see if you can get in on

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the raids.

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Speaker 7: And we're all here, we are. Be careful on your wagon.

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It's a little cramped.

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I'll get that.

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Speaker 7: Do you want some tea?

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Speaker 1: This is cozy. Why is it so hot in here?

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Speaker 3: We've got lamps that regulate the temperature for some of

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Garrett specimens.

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Speaker 1: I thought you were tidying in here.

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Speaker 3: I hope you like herbal tea. It's all we've got.

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Speaker 1: Uh. This is the dagger I gave you before you

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left home. You're using it to open letters.

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Speaker 3: Hasn't even been two minutes and you're already snooping through

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my things.

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Speaker 8: Hi, missus Farseeker.

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Speaker 1: Oh it's just miss far Seeker.

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Speaker 8: Right, Sorry, Mom, this is Garrett. It's great to finally

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meet you. Emilius told me so much about you.

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Speaker 1: Yes, from my daughter's letters, she's spoken so highly of

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you as well. Very accomplished in uh, what.

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Speaker 8: Was it, magical botany and ecology. I wrote my thesis

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on the pharmaceutical qualities of vastwood fauna.

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Speaker 3: Newly discovered pharmaceutical qualities.

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Speaker 1: Wow, it must have been so hard doing your research.

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The vast woods, as you know, are vast well.

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Speaker 8: I kind of grew up around this stuff, so it's

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no big deal for me.

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Speaker 3: So Garrett has spent half his life doing research. It

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was the first time anyone had published a study that

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was so in depth, very enlightening.

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Speaker 9: That's nice.

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Speaker 8: Where are you from, Garrett, Oh City to the east

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of the vast woods?

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Speaker 1: Huh? I didn't know there were any mortals out there.

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That's monster country.

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Speaker 10: Mom.

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Speaker 1: You must be well trained to deal with them.

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Speaker 8: I haven't really well, it's been a it's a long way, Garrett.

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Speaker 1: Are you all right? There's something wrong with your voice. No,

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I'm fine.

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Speaker 7: I just need mom, I have something to tell you.

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Speaker 8: No, it's okay, Millie. We don't need to make this harder.

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Speaker 7: I don't want to lie anymore.

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Speaker 8: Amilia I'm okay, Uh, I just need a moment.

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Speaker 7: No, you're not.

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Speaker 3: You've been in this form since graduation this morning, and

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you're anxious. It's making it worse. Just be yourself, please.

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You shouldn't have to do that, Melia.

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Speaker 1: Get away from that thing.

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Speaker 7: Mom, I've been lying to you. Garrett isn't my.

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Speaker 1: Boyfriend, Amelia?

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Speaker 8: Are you sure you want to do this?

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Speaker 7: Please?

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Speaker 1: So demon, I knew it, and it's mutated to sheep

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shit freak amongst freaks.

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Speaker 7: Mom, what the.

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Speaker 1: Fuck is this some kind of joke?

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Speaker 7: Get out?

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Speaker 1: This is not what I sent you to school for.

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Speaker 7: I said, get out.

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Speaker 1: I thought this would only be a phase, all right.

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Little did I know I was sending my daughter off

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to beat a monsterfucker. Shut up, Shut the fuck up

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right now. And you are a far secret Amelia. You

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are a monster hunter.

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Speaker 7: I'm not a fucking monster hunter and I never will be.

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Don't get the fuck out of my apartment.

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Speaker 2: This is the woman you want to immortalize.

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Speaker 3: I know it sounds bad, it's horrible. Well that's not

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the end of the story.

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Speaker 2: Okay, So what happens next?

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Speaker 5: She miraculously realizes the air of her ways and begs

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for forgiveness from me and.

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Speaker 3: Dad after the mess she left at my apartment. Your

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grandmother drank herself into a stupor for a day.

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Speaker 5: Not surprised she needed a drink after finding out you

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were dating a demon and a mutant one at that.

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What are the different mutations again? Shape shifting invisibility? Uh,

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super large bladder.

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Speaker 3: I don't know about that last one anyway. While she

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was at the bar, she was polishing the treasured far

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secret crossbow passed down through generations of monster hunters.

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Speaker 2: Oh, very valiant.

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Speaker 3: Everyone's got their coping mechanisms, and that crossbow was technically

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supposed to be my graduation gift. Meanwhile, I sent her

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a letter.

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Speaker 7: Excuse me, this far secret?

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Speaker 1: What is it?

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Speaker 11: Now?

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Speaker 3: A letter arrived for you, They said it was urgent.

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Speaker 1: Thanks.

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Speaker 3: Do you have to polish your weapon at the bar?

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It's disturbing the other patrons or.

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Speaker 1: The love of it's not even loaded? All right, Maybe

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you people in the capitol should spend some more money

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on eye doctors instead of all this lavish decoration, of course,

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and another drink, if you please.

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Speaker 3: This is your last one for the night. Yeah, yeah,

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to the legendary Gema Farseeker, I love Zolgareth. I don't

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care if that upsets you, because clearly whatever I do

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is bound to frustrate you no matter what it is.

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I trust him and care for him, and he does

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the same for me. You just want to start anew

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with no one to judge or bock at us. We

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plan on eloping and venturing out into the vast woods

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to continue our research. Do not follow us. I never

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wanted to be a monster hunter, and I hope you'll

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listen to me when I say that I never want

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to see you again. Leave us alone, Amelia.

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Speaker 1: This is not you, This is not what you're supposed

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to be.

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Speaker 2: Good riddance, leave her behind.

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Speaker 3: I did try, though. After reading my letter, she decided

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to search for me herself and bring me back to

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my senses.

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Speaker 2: And try to kill dad. For fuck's sake.

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Speaker 5: Hey, language, you literally said monsterfucker a couple of minutes ago.

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Speaker 2: Nobody's used that term in years.

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Speaker 3: That was in story.

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Speaker 2: Okay, fine, And then what happened.

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Speaker 3: She did the last thing she ever thought to do,

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ask the King for help.

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Speaker 5: A little late night snack, your greatness, my favorite, Thank you, Genevieve.

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Speaker 10: But I'd like another snack if you.

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Speaker 1: Please, please, you're musty.

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Speaker 10: She didn't.

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Speaker 11: It means it by the realm Ugh, there is a

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visitor for you, your majesty, at this hour.

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Speaker 10: Send them away. I'm a preoccupied.

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Speaker 11: Please, I'm afraid she's insisting, Sire, fine.

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Speaker 10: Send her in. Just better be good.

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Speaker 11: Introducing her wretchedness, Gemma fah seeker, slayer of demons.

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Speaker 1: Her wretchedness? What are you? Twelve years old?

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Speaker 4: I couldn't think of a better adjective to describe someone

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such as you.

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Speaker 10: What brings you here? I haven't seen you in what

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twenty five years?

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Speaker 1: I have a favor to ask, and you're coming to

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me for help.

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Speaker 10: Well, you certainly must be desperate.

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Speaker 1: Amelia has been kidnapped by a monster.

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Speaker 10: Amelia doesn't ring a bell.

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Speaker 1: Good to know you really didn't read my letters all

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those years ago. Well, I'm sure if you saw her

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you'd recognize her with how much you'd look at yourself

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in the mirror.

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Speaker 10: Keep your voice out, someone will hear you.

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Speaker 1: Oh what is it not common knowledge that you have

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common or blood wandering around the realm?

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Speaker 10: So what if I'm a little flirtatious? It's nice to

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have options, you know.

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Speaker 4: The people love the queen for being an abstanding.

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Speaker 10: Ruler and grown sorcerer Mortalia.

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Speaker 4: But politics doesn't heat things up in the bedroom, especially

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when my wife is archaic can spun dry. Besides, does

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this Amelia even know that.

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Speaker 1: I'm her father's Shhh? I have no idea. Actually I

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never told her. But she's smart, so I'm sure she

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decided to look into it. She could easily figure it out.

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Speaker 10: Smart.

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Speaker 11: Hold on a moment, Jeeves, Yes, Siah, who.

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Speaker 4: Was it who received his Majesty's honors at the Magic

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School or whatever?

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Speaker 11: Miss Amelia m fah Seeker recipient of his Majesty's honors

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at Cresclade School for Practical Arcade?

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Speaker 1: Yes see, she received an award for her studies. Though

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if it's an award named after you, then it mustn't

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be that impressive after all, Jeeves, give me.

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Speaker 4: Let's crow, let me see him. Oh, our daughter is

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quite accomplished, now, isn't she.

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Speaker 1: Hey, Now you don't get to claim fatherhood after I

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did all the work to raise.

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Speaker 10: I can do anything. See, I'm the king and you

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will treat me with such respect. What a delightful discovery.

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Speaker 1: What are you planning in that disgusting head of yours.

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Speaker 4: You, Joe Lives, get this woman the necessary supplies.

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Speaker 10: For her journey. Excuse me, you said you needed my help,

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didn't you. I'm fulfilling your request.

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Speaker 4: I'll outfit you with all the most up to date

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supplies we've been using for their recent monster raids.

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Speaker 10: Follow this buxome young lady. She will see to your needs.

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Speaker 1: Well, well, well, I see that passageway still gets you.

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Speaker 4: See then, now, I did think you'd be one to

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reminisce about our escape.

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Speaker 1: I'm not. It's been so long, not that I can

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say the same about anything underneath all those frills and

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furs you wear.

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Speaker 10: Well, I never a gracious thank you would be nice.

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Speaker 4: I can't believe I was into gruff pretty bruisers all

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those years ago.

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Speaker 1: What you were always a short dipped pig. Don't even

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think about laying a finger on my daughter. Now that

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you know who she is, got it?

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Speaker 10: Goodbye? Mess far's sacre do.

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Speaker 11: Do uh sire? If I may speak a moment, if

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this Amelia is truly a direct member of your bloodline,

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we may have a solution to your inheritance problem.

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Speaker 10: I know, I know the only problem is that loadsome mother.

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Speaker 4: She'll never let me near her daughter. No, I think

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I do have something up my sleeve to deal with

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I what's the name of that the talented young hunter,

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the one who's been on the raids.

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Speaker 9: Oh?

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Speaker 11: Is that Trevor Stabbington?

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Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I think I've got a unique

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job for him, And maybe while we're at it, we

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can make mssers Stabbington won't say you.

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Speaker 11: Jeeves a very creative idea.

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Speaker 10: I love it. Go get my nighting sword.

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Speaker 5: To be honest, I knew Grandpa sucked, but I never

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truly knew how deplorable he was until now.

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Speaker 3: History is told by the ones capable of writing it.

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Your grandfather was an asshole. He was just very good

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at cutting his assholeishness out of the books.

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Speaker 5: Maybe we should do something about that instead of putting

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in all this work to memorialize your loads.

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Speaker 3: Of mother mind already made up about her.

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Speaker 2: She's literally going on a journey to kill dead.

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Speaker 3: Now the story isn't over yet, And so my mother

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began her hunt for me and Dad, outfitted with a

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week's worth of rations arrows tipped with poison specifically made

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for eradicating demonfolk, and our beloved family heirloom, the far

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Seeker crossbow. She set off into the Vast Woods. After

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about a day of trekking through the woods. She was

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starting to feel rusty from years of taking care of

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me and not doing any real monster hunting in ages. Plus,

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you know about the vast woods.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, they shift from time to time, so no trip

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in or out is ever the same.

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Speaker 3: Back then, only the most skilled monster hunters could traverse

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the vast Woods with relative ease.

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Speaker 5: But demonfolk are even better at it. They practically live

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in the vast Woods.

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Speaker 3: More on that later for now. Jemma stopped in at

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a Rundown tavern for the night and met someone savory

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characters there. Apparently this was a tavern known for catering

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to various marauders and mercenaries, all very loud and gruff.

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But at the bar, she was approached by someone who

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seemed relatively friendly.

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Speaker 9: Excuse me, are you Gemma farci Curve any chance?

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Speaker 6: Hi?

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Speaker 9: Yes, that's me, Sorry to bother you. I when m wow,

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I was less prepared than I thought coming over here.

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I'm actually a monster hunter.

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Speaker 1: Doing the good work I see.

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Speaker 9: Yeah, yeah, you actually really inspired me to become a

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monster hunter. I was always told about the Great Creature

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War by my grandparents. Actually, my parents died when I

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was really young.

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Speaker 1: You see, Oh, sorry for your loss.

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Speaker 9: Yeah, you know, they were actually killed by monsters. And

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so when I heard about you, I was inspired to

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be the monster hunter I am today.

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Speaker 1: That's terrible, but but I'm glad that some people still

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value our old traditions. You know, history is fading before

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everyone's eyes, and it's a lot easier to criticize it

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if you didn't live through it. Good on your grandparents

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for educating you. Right, how about we have a round

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on me?

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Speaker 9: Hey, Barkie, Oh, thank you. I'm ernest by the way to.

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Speaker 1: A life without monsters, you're here.

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Speaker 3: As the night continued, the two talked some more, and

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the ale kept flowing.

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Speaker 1: And then and then I said, You'll never set foot

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and Mortalia as long as I'm alive, and I slid

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them with the extra dagger I keep in my boot.

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Speaker 2: Wow, you have so many cool stories.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you've got some great ones yourself. You're young

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and good looking.

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Speaker 9: Oh thank you. You don't look too bad yourself. I mean,

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uh wait, wait, wait wait, oh oh my god, I

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must be getting drunk.

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Speaker 10: I didn't mean she.

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Speaker 1: It's fine, Ernest, thank you for the compliments. I haven't

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drank like this in a while. It's been a while

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for a lot of things.

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Speaker 2: This isn't how I thought this would go.

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Speaker 1: Well, what were you thinking of coming over here?

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Speaker 9: Actually, if we're being honest, I didn't recognize you from afar. Initially.

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I just saw a beautiful woman and wanted to shoot

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my chance at talking with her.

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Speaker 1: Oh well, now that you see me up close, maybe

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you've changed your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm old enough

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to have been your babysitter.

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Speaker 2: Well I wouldn't say that.

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Speaker 9: And what if I told you I'm not interested in

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women my age?

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Speaker 1: You said there was something you wanted out of this interaction, right,

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Uh huh? If it's okay with you?

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Speaker 2: Oh my god, no way.

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Speaker 3: This is a detail I didn't learn until much later.

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By the way, Honestly, though good for her and I

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thought you didn't like her.

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Speaker 5: I can respect this though she's been a single mom

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raising her daughter for over twenty years.

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Speaker 2: She's touch star Fiona. What a little drama ever heard anyone?

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Speaker 3: Anyway, the interaction didn't end the way you would think.

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Speaker 12: Oh, oh my head, I can't keep drinking like that.

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Speaker 1: Oh good morning. Oh oh okay, Ernest isn't here. That's fine.

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Speaker 5: A m h.

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Speaker 1: Jesus, I didn't even know we went at it that hard.

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Speaker 3: M hm.

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Speaker 1: What the where are my clothes? Where's a fuck?

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Speaker 10: Fuck?

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Speaker 1: Where's oh my god my money? No? Oh no, fuck?

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What about?

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Speaker 10: Oh my god?

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Speaker 1: Is it all gone? No? No, no, no? Where's the crossbow?

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Speaker 12: Fucking piece of shit thief.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe I let that happen. Why do I

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always fall for scumbags?

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Speaker 5: Yeah?

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Speaker 2: First be Striker and now this.

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Speaker 3: Guy old habits die hard. I guess she was going

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through a tough time and being that stressed out doesn't

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lead to good decision making. She did get laid, though, Fiona.

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Speaker 13: Sorry, sorry, you've been listening to Part one of Monsterfucker,

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written by Jada Mendoza, starring Mareta mos as Jemma Farseeker,

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Caroline Orouela as Amelia far Seeker, Anthony Romanelli as Zul

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Gareth Jamie Lewis as King be Striker, d Henry Hanson

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as Jeeves, Jonathan Harden as Ernest Goodman, and Jada Mendoza

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as Fiona Farzeeker, featuring Lisa Petrie as the Innkeeper and

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Kate Sheridan as Jennevieve. Voices by Caroline Auroela, Jamie Lewis,

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and Mareta Mos. This episode of Theme Party the Podcast

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was directed by d Henry Hanson with assistant directors Alisa

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Petrie and Jada Mendoza. Casting by Jada Mendoza, Sound design

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and engineering by Lindsay Vaughn, Production coordination by Jada Mendoza,

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Story development by Alissa Esteban. The theme song for Theme

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Party of the podcast was composed by Bad Machine. Episode

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art by Alissa Esteban. This episode was produced by Jada Mendoza.

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The executive producer and host of Theme Party the Podcast

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is Mareta Mos. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please consider

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supporting us on Patreon by visiting Patreon dot com slash

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Lengthy Tangent. Learn more about this episode and all of

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our shows at lengthy tangent dot com, and follow us

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on social media. Our theme for this season has been

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family Traditions. I've been Rota Mos and this has been

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Theme Party the Podcast.

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Speaker 2: We'll just edit that part out like the digent