Speaker 1: This episode contains adult language theme party The podcast episode
five Monster Bucker Part one by Jada Mendoza.
Speaker 2: Jimmy far Seeker was one of the most powerful monster
hummers in Mortalia, famously known for slaying the insidious King
of demon folk locks them as the powerful.
Speaker 1: So lucky.
Speaker 3: I thought i'd find you in here.
Speaker 2: I was just tired from the festivities. Festivities. Huh yeah,
been festing.
Speaker 4: Get up.
Speaker 3: Apparently you've been festing so hard that I haven't seen
you at all since the ceremony this morning.
Speaker 2: Well, I mean, you know how.
Speaker 5: Huge Unification Day is, and using.
Speaker 2: Magic's not fair?
Speaker 3: All right, the jig is up? What's with all the books,
young lady?
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, I've been reading up on Grandma.
Speaker 3: I see. I knew you were acting strange when I
announced the statue this morning.
Speaker 2: I just don't understand.
Speaker 5: Why are we announcing the statue of a renowned monster hunter.
Speaker 2: On Unification Day?
Speaker 5: I mean, do we really want to celebrate someone who
was openly murdering our kind just a couple decades ago? Like,
it just doesn't make sense to me. How does Dad
even feel about this?
Speaker 3: Your father got along quite well with my mother.
Speaker 2: You're joking right, I'm being very serious.
Speaker 6: But why well, this is a story I probably should
have told you sooner, but I think you're old enough
to handle it now.
Speaker 3: It's the story of Unification Day.
Speaker 2: Mom. Come on, they teach that story in history classes.
Speaker 3: This isn't the one they teach you in school. It's
the actual story.
Speaker 2: What do you mean by the actual story?
Speaker 3: Just listen. It all started when your grandmother came to
visit me in the capital for my graduation from the
Sorcerer's Academy, Amelia.
Speaker 1: I'm here at the.
Speaker 7: Door, Hi, Mom, Sorry about that.
Speaker 2: Just let me in.
Speaker 3: I was just doing some last minute tidying. I didn't
think you'd be here so early. Lots of commotion outside.
Speaker 1: Those kids don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Demonfolk are just like us, my ass. They're not even
old enough to remember the Great Creature War.
Speaker 3: I mean, you haven't been to the city in a while.
People are really starting to warm up to demonfolk now,
so it makes sense that they're getting mad about the
king wanting to encroach on their land again. It's not
like it was back then.
Speaker 1: It's the only thing I really agree with the king about. Honestly,
if it were up to me. I would have done
this a lot sooner. That land is rightfully ours.
Speaker 3: Because you rightfully wanted in the war. I get it, Mom,
you've said this a million times before.
Speaker 1: Hey, now, what's with that attitude. Your grandparents died in
the Great Creature War. You know you better show them
some respect if you're gonna be a monster hunter yourself.
And now that you're done with this sorcery business, you
should try to see if you can get in on
the raids.
Speaker 7: And we're all here, we are. Be careful on your wagon.
It's a little cramped.
Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I'll get that.
Speaker 7: Do you want some tea?
Speaker 1: This is cozy. Why is it so hot in here?
Speaker 3: We've got lamps that regulate the temperature for some of
Garrett specimens.
Speaker 1: I thought you were tidying in here.
Speaker 3: I hope you like herbal tea. It's all we've got.
Speaker 1: Uh. This is the dagger I gave you before you
left home. You're using it to open letters.
Speaker 3: Hasn't even been two minutes and you're already snooping through
my things.
Speaker 8: Hi, missus Farseeker.
Speaker 1: Oh it's just miss far Seeker.
Speaker 8: Right, Sorry, Mom, this is Garrett. It's great to finally
meet you. Emilius told me so much about you.
Speaker 1: Yes, from my daughter's letters, she's spoken so highly of
you as well. Very accomplished in uh, what.
Speaker 8: Was it, magical botany and ecology. I wrote my thesis
on the pharmaceutical qualities of vastwood fauna.
Speaker 3: Newly discovered pharmaceutical qualities.
Speaker 1: Wow, it must have been so hard doing your research.
The vast woods, as you know, are vast well.
Speaker 8: I kind of grew up around this stuff, so it's
no big deal for me.
Speaker 3: So Garrett has spent half his life doing research. It
was the first time anyone had published a study that
was so in depth, very enlightening.
Speaker 9: That's nice.
Speaker 8: Where are you from, Garrett, Oh City to the east
of the vast woods?
Speaker 1: Huh? I didn't know there were any mortals out there.
That's monster country.
Speaker 10: Mom.
Speaker 1: You must be well trained to deal with them.
Speaker 8: I haven't really well, it's been a it's a long way, Garrett.
Speaker 1: Are you all right? There's something wrong with your voice. No,
I'm fine.
Speaker 7: I just need mom, I have something to tell you.
Speaker 8: No, it's okay, Millie. We don't need to make this harder.
Speaker 7: I don't want to lie anymore.
Speaker 8: Amilia I'm okay, Uh, I just need a moment.
Speaker 7: No, you're not.
Speaker 3: You've been in this form since graduation this morning, and
you're anxious. It's making it worse. Just be yourself, please.
You shouldn't have to do that, Melia.
Speaker 1: Get away from that thing.
Speaker 7: Mom, I've been lying to you. Garrett isn't my.
Speaker 1: Boyfriend, Amelia?
Speaker 8: Are you sure you want to do this?
Speaker 7: Please?
Speaker 1: So demon, I knew it, and it's mutated to sheep
shit freak amongst freaks.
Speaker 7: Mom, what the.
Speaker 1: Fuck is this some kind of joke?
Speaker 7: Get out?
Speaker 1: This is not what I sent you to school for.
Speaker 7: I said, get out.
Speaker 1: I thought this would only be a phase, all right.
Little did I know I was sending my daughter off
to beat a monsterfucker. Shut up, Shut the fuck up
right now. And you are a far secret Amelia. You
are a monster hunter.
Speaker 7: I'm not a fucking monster hunter and I never will be.
Don't get the fuck out of my apartment.
Speaker 2: This is the woman you want to immortalize.
Speaker 3: I know it sounds bad, it's horrible. Well that's not
the end of the story.
Speaker 2: Okay, So what happens next?
Speaker 5: She miraculously realizes the air of her ways and begs
for forgiveness from me and.
Speaker 3: Dad after the mess she left at my apartment. Your
grandmother drank herself into a stupor for a day.
Speaker 5: Not surprised she needed a drink after finding out you
were dating a demon and a mutant one at that.
What are the different mutations again? Shape shifting invisibility? Uh,
super large bladder.
Speaker 3: I don't know about that last one anyway. While she
was at the bar, she was polishing the treasured far
secret crossbow passed down through generations of monster hunters.
Speaker 2: Oh, very valiant.
Speaker 3: Everyone's got their coping mechanisms, and that crossbow was technically
supposed to be my graduation gift. Meanwhile, I sent her
a letter.
Speaker 7: Excuse me, this far secret?
Speaker 1: What is it?
Speaker 11: Now?
Speaker 3: A letter arrived for you, They said it was urgent.
Speaker 1: Thanks.
Speaker 3: Do you have to polish your weapon at the bar?
It's disturbing the other patrons or.
Speaker 1: The love of it's not even loaded? All right, Maybe
you people in the capitol should spend some more money
on eye doctors instead of all this lavish decoration, of course,
and another drink, if you please.
Speaker 3: This is your last one for the night. Yeah, yeah,
to the legendary Gema Farseeker, I love Zolgareth. I don't
care if that upsets you, because clearly whatever I do
is bound to frustrate you no matter what it is.
I trust him and care for him, and he does
the same for me. You just want to start anew
with no one to judge or bock at us. We
plan on eloping and venturing out into the vast woods
to continue our research. Do not follow us. I never
wanted to be a monster hunter, and I hope you'll
listen to me when I say that I never want
to see you again. Leave us alone, Amelia.
Speaker 1: This is not you, This is not what you're supposed
to be.
Speaker 2: Good riddance, leave her behind.
Speaker 3: I did try, though. After reading my letter, she decided
to search for me herself and bring me back to
my senses.
Speaker 2: And try to kill dad. For fuck's sake.
Speaker 5: Hey, language, you literally said monsterfucker a couple of minutes ago.
Speaker 2: Nobody's used that term in years.
Speaker 3: That was in story.
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, And then what happened.
Speaker 3: She did the last thing she ever thought to do,
ask the King for help.
Speaker 5: A little late night snack, your greatness, my favorite, Thank you, Genevieve.
Speaker 10: But I'd like another snack if you.
Speaker 1: Please, please, you're musty.
Speaker 10: She didn't.
Speaker 11: It means it by the realm Ugh, there is a
visitor for you, your majesty, at this hour.
Speaker 10: Send them away. I'm a preoccupied.
Speaker 11: Please, I'm afraid she's insisting, Sire, fine.
Speaker 10: Send her in. Just better be good.
Speaker 11: Introducing her wretchedness, Gemma fah seeker, slayer of demons.
Speaker 1: Her wretchedness? What are you? Twelve years old?
Speaker 4: I couldn't think of a better adjective to describe someone
such as you.
Speaker 10: What brings you here? I haven't seen you in what
twenty five years?
Speaker 1: I have a favor to ask, and you're coming to
me for help.
Speaker 10: Well, you certainly must be desperate.
Speaker 1: Amelia has been kidnapped by a monster.
Speaker 10: Amelia doesn't ring a bell.
Speaker 1: Good to know you really didn't read my letters all
those years ago. Well, I'm sure if you saw her
you'd recognize her with how much you'd look at yourself
in the mirror.
Speaker 10: Keep your voice out, someone will hear you.
Speaker 1: Oh what is it not common knowledge that you have
common or blood wandering around the realm?
Speaker 10: So what if I'm a little flirtatious? It's nice to
have options, you know.
Speaker 4: The people love the queen for being an abstanding.
Speaker 10: Ruler and grown sorcerer Mortalia.
Speaker 4: But politics doesn't heat things up in the bedroom, especially
when my wife is archaic can spun dry. Besides, does
this Amelia even know that.
Speaker 1: I'm her father's Shhh? I have no idea. Actually I
never told her. But she's smart, so I'm sure she
decided to look into it. She could easily figure it out.
Speaker 10: Smart.
Speaker 11: Hold on a moment, Jeeves, Yes, Siah, who.
Speaker 4: Was it who received his Majesty's honors at the Magic
School or whatever?
Speaker 11: Miss Amelia m fah Seeker recipient of his Majesty's honors
at Cresclade School for Practical Arcade?
Speaker 1: Yes see, she received an award for her studies. Though
if it's an award named after you, then it mustn't
be that impressive after all, Jeeves, give me.
Speaker 4: Let's crow, let me see him. Oh, our daughter is
quite accomplished, now, isn't she.
Speaker 1: Hey, Now you don't get to claim fatherhood after I
did all the work to raise.
Speaker 10: I can do anything. See, I'm the king and you
will treat me with such respect. What a delightful discovery.
Speaker 1: What are you planning in that disgusting head of yours.
Speaker 4: You, Joe Lives, get this woman the necessary supplies.
Speaker 10: For her journey. Excuse me, you said you needed my help,
didn't you. I'm fulfilling your request.
Speaker 4: I'll outfit you with all the most up to date
supplies we've been using for their recent monster raids.
Speaker 10: Follow this buxome young lady. She will see to your needs.
Speaker 1: Well, well, well, I see that passageway still gets you.
Speaker 4: See then, now, I did think you'd be one to
reminisce about our escape.
Speaker 1: I'm not. It's been so long, not that I can
say the same about anything underneath all those frills and
furs you wear.
Speaker 10: Well, I never a gracious thank you would be nice.
Speaker 4: I can't believe I was into gruff pretty bruisers all
those years ago.
Speaker 1: What you were always a short dipped pig. Don't even
think about laying a finger on my daughter. Now that
you know who she is, got it?
Speaker 10: Goodbye? Mess far's sacre do.
Speaker 11: Do uh sire? If I may speak a moment, if
this Amelia is truly a direct member of your bloodline,
we may have a solution to your inheritance problem.
Speaker 10: I know, I know the only problem is that loadsome mother.
Speaker 4: She'll never let me near her daughter. No, I think
I do have something up my sleeve to deal with
I what's the name of that the talented young hunter,
the one who's been on the raids.
Speaker 9: Oh?
Speaker 11: Is that Trevor Stabbington?
Speaker 4: Yes, yes, yes, yes, I think I've got a unique
job for him, And maybe while we're at it, we
can make mssers Stabbington won't say you.
Speaker 11: Jeeves a very creative idea.
Speaker 10: I love it. Go get my nighting sword.
Speaker 5: To be honest, I knew Grandpa sucked, but I never
truly knew how deplorable he was until now.
Speaker 3: History is told by the ones capable of writing it.
Your grandfather was an asshole. He was just very good
at cutting his assholeishness out of the books.
Speaker 5: Maybe we should do something about that instead of putting
in all this work to memorialize your loads.
Speaker 3: Of mother mind already made up about her.
Speaker 2: She's literally going on a journey to kill dead.
Speaker 3: Now the story isn't over yet, And so my mother
began her hunt for me and Dad, outfitted with a
week's worth of rations arrows tipped with poison specifically made
for eradicating demonfolk, and our beloved family heirloom, the far
Seeker crossbow. She set off into the Vast Woods. After
about a day of trekking through the woods. She was
starting to feel rusty from years of taking care of
me and not doing any real monster hunting in ages. Plus,
you know about the vast woods.
Speaker 5: Yeah, they shift from time to time, so no trip
in or out is ever the same.
Speaker 3: Back then, only the most skilled monster hunters could traverse
the vast Woods with relative ease.
Speaker 5: But demonfolk are even better at it. They practically live
in the vast Woods.
Speaker 3: More on that later for now. Jemma stopped in at
a Rundown tavern for the night and met someone savory
characters there. Apparently this was a tavern known for catering
to various marauders and mercenaries, all very loud and gruff.
But at the bar, she was approached by someone who
seemed relatively friendly.
Speaker 9: Excuse me, are you Gemma farci Curve any chance?
Speaker 6: Hi?
Speaker 9: Yes, that's me, Sorry to bother you. I when m wow,
I was less prepared than I thought coming over here.
I'm actually a monster hunter.
Speaker 1: Doing the good work I see.
Speaker 9: Yeah, yeah, you actually really inspired me to become a
monster hunter. I was always told about the Great Creature
War by my grandparents. Actually, my parents died when I
was really young.
Speaker 1: You see, Oh, sorry for your loss.
Speaker 9: Yeah, you know, they were actually killed by monsters. And
so when I heard about you, I was inspired to
be the monster hunter I am today.
Speaker 1: That's terrible, but but I'm glad that some people still
value our old traditions. You know, history is fading before
everyone's eyes, and it's a lot easier to criticize it
if you didn't live through it. Good on your grandparents
for educating you. Right, how about we have a round
on me?
Speaker 9: Hey, Barkie, Oh, thank you. I'm ernest by the way to.
Speaker 1: A life without monsters, you're here.
Speaker 3: As the night continued, the two talked some more, and
the ale kept flowing.
Speaker 1: And then and then I said, You'll never set foot
and Mortalia as long as I'm alive, and I slid
them with the extra dagger I keep in my boot.
Speaker 2: Wow, you have so many cool stories.
Speaker 1: I'm sure you've got some great ones yourself. You're young
and good looking.
Speaker 9: Oh thank you. You don't look too bad yourself. I mean,
uh wait, wait, wait wait, oh oh my god, I
must be getting drunk.
Speaker 10: I didn't mean she.
Speaker 1: It's fine, Ernest, thank you for the compliments. I haven't
drank like this in a while. It's been a while
for a lot of things.
Speaker 2: This isn't how I thought this would go.
Speaker 1: Well, what were you thinking of coming over here?
Speaker 9: Actually, if we're being honest, I didn't recognize you from afar. Initially.
I just saw a beautiful woman and wanted to shoot
my chance at talking with her.
Speaker 1: Oh well, now that you see me up close, maybe
you've changed your mind. I'm pretty sure I'm old enough
to have been your babysitter.
Speaker 2: Well I wouldn't say that.
Speaker 9: And what if I told you I'm not interested in
women my age?
Speaker 1: You said there was something you wanted out of this interaction, right,
Uh huh? If it's okay with you?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, no way.
Speaker 3: This is a detail I didn't learn until much later.
By the way, Honestly, though good for her and I
thought you didn't like her.
Speaker 5: I can respect this though she's been a single mom
raising her daughter for over twenty years.
Speaker 2: She's touch star Fiona. What a little drama ever heard anyone?
Speaker 3: Anyway, the interaction didn't end the way you would think.
Speaker 12: Oh, oh my head, I can't keep drinking like that.
Speaker 1: Oh good morning. Oh oh okay, Ernest isn't here. That's fine.
Speaker 5: A m h.
Speaker 1: Jesus, I didn't even know we went at it that hard.
Speaker 3: M hm.
Speaker 1: What the where are my clothes? Where's a fuck?
Speaker 10: Fuck?
Speaker 1: Where's oh my god my money? No? Oh no, fuck?
What about?
Speaker 10: Oh my god?
Speaker 1: Is it all gone? No? No, no, no? Where's the crossbow?
Speaker 12: Fucking piece of shit thief.
Speaker 1: I can't believe I let that happen. Why do I
always fall for scumbags?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 2: First be Striker and now this.
Speaker 3: Guy old habits die hard. I guess she was going
through a tough time and being that stressed out doesn't
lead to good decision making. She did get laid, though, Fiona.
Speaker 13: Sorry, sorry, you've been listening to Part one of Monsterfucker,
written by Jada Mendoza, starring Mareta mos as Jemma Farseeker,
Caroline Orouela as Amelia far Seeker, Anthony Romanelli as Zul
Gareth Jamie Lewis as King be Striker, d Henry Hanson
as Jeeves, Jonathan Harden as Ernest Goodman, and Jada Mendoza
as Fiona Farzeeker, featuring Lisa Petrie as the Innkeeper and
Kate Sheridan as Jennevieve. Voices by Caroline Auroela, Jamie Lewis,
and Mareta Mos. This episode of Theme Party the Podcast
was directed by d Henry Hanson with assistant directors Alisa
Petrie and Jada Mendoza. Casting by Jada Mendoza, Sound design
and engineering by Lindsay Vaughn, Production coordination by Jada Mendoza,
Story development by Alissa Esteban. The theme song for Theme
Party of the podcast was composed by Bad Machine. Episode
art by Alissa Esteban. This episode was produced by Jada Mendoza.
The executive producer and host of Theme Party the Podcast
is Mareta Mos. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please consider
supporting us on Patreon by visiting Patreon dot com slash
Lengthy Tangent. Learn more about this episode and all of
our shows at lengthy tangent dot com, and follow us
on social media. Our theme for this season has been
family Traditions. I've been Rota Mos and this has been
Theme Party the Podcast.
Speaker 2: We'll just edit that part out like the digent