WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:05.960 The bartender set my gin and tonic down with a 2 00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:09.880 gentle clink from a friend, he says, nudging the condensation 3 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.839 beat of glass closer. I blink half out of the 4 00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:17.600 trivia host rapid fire question about nineteen nineties championship teams, Sorry, 5 00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:21.640 I ask, Glancing up the bartender, A gentlefaced guy named Andrea, 6 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:23.719 who's been working here as long as we've been coming, 7 00:00:23.800 --> 00:00:27.399 leans forward. It's the usual guy. Eeh. He tits his 8 00:00:27.399 --> 00:00:29.519 head towards the bar, almost in that way people do 9 00:00:29.559 --> 00:00:32.439 when they don't want to be obvious. I follow his gaze. 10 00:00:32.600 --> 00:00:35.679 Nobody looks familiar. There's a group from some local ad 11 00:00:35.679 --> 00:00:38.560 agency filling the corner booth, A couple of regulars on laptops, 12 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:42.000 a young couple flirting with their hands everywhere. Matt's jewell, 13 00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:44.320 second from the left, sits as empty as my heartbeat. 14 00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:47.439 A text from Mac glows Delly on my phone. Running late. 15 00:00:47.479 --> 00:00:52.079 Maybe next time, client things love you. I smile lightly 16 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:54.960 at Andrea, Thanks, I say, though I'm not sure who 17 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:57.920 I'm thinking any more. The tonic fizzis in my gas, 18 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:01.079 carrying that faint smell of lymon juniper. The tables round 19 00:01:01.079 --> 00:01:03.240 me pulse with easy laughter and side her jokes about 20 00:01:03.240 --> 00:01:06.280 this neighborhood, in this brewery, local trivia Laren, not tourist Lauren. 21 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:08.719 I fight the urge to text Might again, to just 22 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:12.560 say it it's Thursday. I'm here. I kept their spot warm. 23 00:01:13.159 --> 00:01:16.719 But what's the point. He saw my calendar invite, bought 24 00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:18.959 me coffee this morning, pressed kiss behind my ear as 25 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:22.239 I took my vitamins crush it to night. He grinned 26 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:25.439 win us a free round. Now I'm alone, squinting at 27 00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:28.400 Dimbard shop boards. When did we stop being away at 28 00:01:28.480 --> 00:01:31.799 least on Thursdays? I scrawl half hearted guesses in my notebok. 29 00:01:31.799 --> 00:01:33.799 What year did the bus three p who first climb 30 00:01:33.879 --> 00:01:36.560 Kate woe without oxygen? Out of habit? I leave room 31 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:38.920 for Matt's answers in the margins, hoping he'll bursten at 32 00:01:38.920 --> 00:01:42.920 the last round. Arms rais late but incandescent. But he doesn't. 33 00:01:43.599 --> 00:01:45.760 When his colleagues file in a way of trendy jackets 34 00:01:45.760 --> 00:01:47.840 and laughing insults, I expect one of them to pause, 35 00:01:48.040 --> 00:01:52.640 recognize me, maybe say hey, Matt's wife. Instead, they slide 36 00:01:52.640 --> 00:01:55.280 smoothly toward an empty high top and order around, barely 37 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:58.280 glance in my way. I know them from matt Christmas party, 38 00:01:58.400 --> 00:02:00.400 or at least the most outgoing of them all, and 39 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:04.120 Byron they are deep in some rapid fire agency gossip Already, 40 00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:07.439 I catch myself staring, so I turn away, swirling my 41 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:10.800 drink and feeling faintly ridiculous. The lime wedge, which Matt 42 00:02:10.840 --> 00:02:13.639 would normally joke as a functional garnish, floats alone in 43 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:16.560 the bubbles. Why does everyone else seem hidly sure of 44 00:02:16.599 --> 00:02:19.840 where they belong? To night? The trivier wraps up. I 45 00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:21.960 tell Andre to close my tavern, then can, and as 46 00:02:21.960 --> 00:02:23.879 I took him ascarf into my coat, I cashed the 47 00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:26.879 bart in his eyes again. Matt, not joining you, He asks, 48 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:30.159 soft but almost too familiar client stuff, I say, with 49 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:33.319 a shrug that attempts slightness. Andre gives a knowing nod, 50 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:34.960 and for a moment I wonder how much of our 51 00:02:35.039 --> 00:02:38.840 routine is visible to everyone else. Somewhere behind me, Matt's 52 00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:42.159 colleagues are raising their glasses to something. I slip out, 53 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:44.599 the wind biting my cheeks, and I realize I didn't 54 00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:47.960 win us anything except a pocketful of unused answers. Our 55 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.240 apartment is only four blocks away, A one bedroom. We 56 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:52.759 gutted and slowly made our own, covering the dull builder's 57 00:02:52.759 --> 00:02:56.599 bage with deliberately clashing paint samples. Matt's touch is everywhere, 58 00:02:56.639 --> 00:02:59.080 the Akeia hack shoff for our records, the revolving wall 59 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:01.039 of polaroids from us our first year in the city. 60 00:03:01.560 --> 00:03:04.560 I should feel comforted stepping inside, but the silence swallows me. 61 00:03:05.159 --> 00:03:07.599 My reflection in the dark window looks tired, like someone 62 00:03:07.639 --> 00:03:10.280 who hasn't won a round of trivia in years. My 63 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:13.560 phone buzzes as I'm handing my coat. I message from Matt, 64 00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:16.000 did you go without me? Sorry again, babe? Tomorrow? Will 65 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:17.400 do you take out in a movie if you're up 66 00:03:17.400 --> 00:03:20.159 for it? Long day? I love you. I force myself 67 00:03:20.199 --> 00:03:22.840 to reply, let's do. I miss you. Good night. I 68 00:03:22.919 --> 00:03:25.520 re read my message twice, making sure it sounds natural, 69 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:27.560 then toss the phone on the kitchen counter beside his 70 00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:30.560 keys and an unopened letter from our building management. He 71 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:33.599 comes in close to midnight. His steps are quiet. He 72 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.120 moves softly, not wanting to wake me. I pretend to 73 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:38.360 be half asleep, listening as he drops his shoes by 74 00:03:38.360 --> 00:03:40.240 the door and pours a glass of water in the kitchen. 75 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:43.199 I can picture exactly how he stands hips cocked, free 76 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:46.159 hand rubbing his temple, drinking straight from the tap. I 77 00:03:46.280 --> 00:03:48.879 used to love this sliver of modanity, finding comfort in 78 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:51.639 his living shadows. I hear the clink of his keys 79 00:03:51.639 --> 00:03:54.120 in a bowl, the unmistakable exhale of relief that comes 80 00:03:54.159 --> 00:03:57.280 from leaving the outside world at your threshold. In the morning, 81 00:03:57.319 --> 00:03:59.479 I'll ask the usual questions, how is the campaign, pitch, 82 00:03:59.680 --> 00:04:02.039 has new client? What's on for Friday? But right now 83 00:04:02.080 --> 00:04:05.039 and still by the sense of quietness, the comforting hum 84 00:04:05.039 --> 00:04:08.039 we used to share now mostly echo Friday, I work 85 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:10.879 from home, a new insight meeting and an evening consult 86 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:13.000 eat most of my day and only around for when 87 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:14.960 the pumbing in the new project lines up perfectly in 88 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:17.000 the building's supervise. It gives me a rare spot on 89 00:04:17.319 --> 00:04:19.279 Lauren the do I realize I haven't spoken to Mad 90 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:22.439 except for single text. I'm closing up my work laptop 91 00:04:22.439 --> 00:04:25.560 when he calls, hey, lo, want to do sushi tonight? 92 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:29.720 Or are you buried? Not buried? Sushi sounds good? Cool? 93 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:32.800 Or on seven there's a lag in his voice, self 94 00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:35.240 phone delay or maybe too many tabs open in his head. 95 00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:38.959 I want to say something about last night instead, will 96 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:41.920 you be home before or just meet me? There? The pause? 97 00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:44.879 Actually I should probably meet you. I've got to drop 98 00:04:44.879 --> 00:04:47.480 in on the agency fix a client proposal. Sorry, you 99 00:04:47.560 --> 00:04:50.199 know how it is. I murmur that it's fine, it's fine, 100 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:53.079 and hang up. But the fineness is threadbare. I spend 101 00:04:53.079 --> 00:04:55.720 an extra ten minutes redoing mascaret, telling myself it's just 102 00:04:55.759 --> 00:04:58.439 autumn dead lines, that the city always makes couple scramble 103 00:04:58.439 --> 00:05:01.240 for quality time. He shows up, laid, carrying the smell 104 00:05:01.240 --> 00:05:04.360 of rain and something expensive his new cologne. Maybe. He 105 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:06.959 orders sick with a shy smile and asks about my project, 106 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.279 listening with more focus than I expect. Between me rolls 107 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:12.800 in the tarot ice cream, his phone buzzes over and over, 108 00:05:12.920 --> 00:05:15.680 each time with a too bright apology. Some of them 109 00:05:15.680 --> 00:05:17.879 are work group chats, babe, and some our alley has 110 00:05:17.879 --> 00:05:20.800 a client kneldown each excuse, where is a little thinner 111 00:05:21.439 --> 00:05:23.720 after dinner? His arm slides round my waist as we 112 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.560 step out into a slick street. You're cold, he says, 113 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:29.519 pulling me in for a second and temper back into calm, 114 00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.399 letting myself fall into step beside him. We pass the 115 00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:35.920 gallery district, shiny glass, all dark inside, and he glances 116 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:38.480 at the poster taped to the window first Friday's emerging 117 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:41.839 voices looks cold. Does in it? He says, but distracted. 118 00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:45.279 Want to check it out sometime, I offer, sort of 119 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.279 gently teasing, I might have to actually new client thing. 120 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:51.399 Something flickers, He's not meeting My eye is hand tied 121 00:05:51.480 --> 00:05:55.399 round line. I tuck it away. Papa survived dry spells. 122 00:05:56.120 --> 00:05:58.480 Cities and careers can swallow evenings and week ends and 123 00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:02.319 still spit you out together. Right on Saturday, Matta is 124 00:06:02.360 --> 00:06:04.600 up and out long before I am. I drift into 125 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:06.439 the living room with my coffee and see evidence of 126 00:06:06.439 --> 00:06:09.079 his whirlwind. A half eaten banana, running shoes kit near 127 00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:11.800 the door, A crumpled email print out about brand activation, 128 00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:15.360 gallery launch. I flip it over. On the back is 129 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:17.839 scribbled call a three p M slash or to wine. 130 00:06:18.279 --> 00:06:21.319 He's under lining ay twice. I taken at the sip 131 00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:24.639 of coffee and a tiny stray hope kicks in new business, 132 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:27.959 new stress. Maybe if I ask directly, we can solve 133 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:30.399 it with a date night or a crazy brunch. Matt 134 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:33.560 TeX's at ten running late. Agency needs me love you 135 00:06:33.720 --> 00:06:36.439 see you tonight. Still, he makes it home for dinner. 136 00:06:37.079 --> 00:06:39.480 Still he distracts me with a movie I Love his 137 00:06:39.560 --> 00:06:42.399 Head in my Lapp's credits Roll Monday. On my walk 138 00:06:42.439 --> 00:06:44.199 home from a late client meeting, I look into our 139 00:06:44.199 --> 00:06:47.279 corner market for groceries. I run the aisle, a newly 140 00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:50.160 collide with Alley Matt's team. It all energy and stafferings. 141 00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:54.040 She's with her boyfriend holding a basket, looking surprised. We 142 00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:56.759 exchange pleasantries the expected, say hi to Matt for me, 143 00:06:56.920 --> 00:06:59.000 But there's a micro expression, a drop in her tone, 144 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:00.920 a brief lick of her eye past my shoulder that 145 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:03.560 makes me feel I've wandered into a private joke. Back 146 00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:06.439 in our kitchen, stirring rosotto, I put the odd moment aside. 147 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:10.480 Mac comes home late, apologizing in a flurry deadline. Low 148 00:07:10.560 --> 00:07:14.000 Agency's nuts right now, he says, at susanceealy. I almost 149 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:16.360 believe him until I see another text come in mid bite. 150 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:18.920 He flits his phone over with the worn reaction of 151 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:23.040 someone practiced at hiding notifications. The following Thursday, I return 152 00:07:23.120 --> 00:07:24.959 home to find him in front of the laptop, tubing 153 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:28.279 between tabs. He looks up startled when my keys hit 154 00:07:28.319 --> 00:07:32.160 the ball. Hey you Ellie, I switched for a co worker. 155 00:07:32.800 --> 00:07:34.759 I drop my bag by the chair and peer over 156 00:07:34.800 --> 00:07:38.040 his shoulder. An open browser tab reads contemporary or art 157 00:07:38.040 --> 00:07:42.439 scene opening receptions. I try for casual curiosity. You looking 158 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:46.279 for something fun? He shifts. Ah, one of our new 159 00:07:46.279 --> 00:07:49.079 clients is housing a gallery thing this week networking? You know? 160 00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:51.879 Should I clear my Friday night. We haven't been to 161 00:07:51.920 --> 00:07:55.120 an opening in forever. His fingers freeze, then drop from 162 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:58.439 the keys. It'll be boring for you, honestly, all shop 163 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:01.199 talk maybe next one, he've gone. What your a deadline, right? 164 00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:04.920 I nod? I'm sure. He starts talking about the gallery 165 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.759 and a collectic spot near Broadview, and how the client 166 00:08:06.800 --> 00:08:09.639 is all about experiential branding. The furniture in the room 167 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:13.079 seems slightly rearranged. His overnight bag unusually tucked behind the 168 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:15.600 TV console, as though he shoved things aside just before 169 00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:18.639 I walked in that night. He pulls out his suit jacket, 170 00:08:18.759 --> 00:08:21.519 only worn for big pitches or weddings. He cuts the 171 00:08:21.519 --> 00:08:24.240 tags from a new shirt, deep blue, subtle print, nothing 172 00:08:24.319 --> 00:08:27.959 like his usual solid, approachable style. You look sharp, I offer, 173 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:31.639 half teasing, and he grins, but too widely. Before he leaves, 174 00:08:31.720 --> 00:08:33.679 he asks me if I need anything from out that way, 175 00:08:33.679 --> 00:08:36.080 make a joke about scouting the scene for you. I 176 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:38.799 watch him not his tie with ritual care, noticing, maybe 177 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:40.679 for the first time, how much more effort he's putting 178 00:08:40.720 --> 00:08:44.159 into the way he presents. Maybe he's nervous, or eager, 179 00:08:44.279 --> 00:08:48.159 or just wanting to impress. That's normal, right, I can't 180 00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:51.480 fully relax that evening. I work late, scrolling half through 181 00:08:51.480 --> 00:08:55.159 mindless architectural feeds, jumping at every car that passes. He 182 00:08:55.240 --> 00:08:57.720 comes in after midnight, quietly carries the current of sweet 183 00:08:57.759 --> 00:09:00.919 but unfamiliar perfume, not the one I weigh, something lighter, 184 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:04.759 maybe floral and powdery. I could ask, I think, but 185 00:09:04.840 --> 00:09:06.840 the moment seems brittle, and my brain does the work 186 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:09.679 for me. At events like this, any number of people 187 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:11.919 probably hugged him hello, or loaded every one with their 188 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:15.080 own sand. He hums as he brushes his teeth, removes 189 00:09:15.080 --> 00:09:18.720 the scufflings in a little spot of bathroom brightness. Everything okay, 190 00:09:19.399 --> 00:09:22.159 I call, He spits and grins at me in the mirror. 191 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:24.600 I killed it, and the wine tasted like pen is. 192 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:27.320 Glad you skipped it. I laugh, putting on my most 193 00:09:27.320 --> 00:09:31.279 believable performance. Two days later, I attend a networking breakfast 194 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:34.279 hosted by one of Matt's mutual acquaintances from Agency Life, 195 00:09:34.360 --> 00:09:36.440 a lawyer named Prix who led a branding sem and 196 00:09:36.519 --> 00:09:39.559 not Be both attended last year. The hotel serves watery 197 00:09:39.639 --> 00:09:43.600 orange juice and slightly burnt courses influorescent lit conference space. 198 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:46.639 I drift between industry chats. Eventually I overhear a young 199 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:48.960 guy in textured glasses say, did you see Matta Price 200 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:51.720 and Crane last Thursday? Seriously holding cork, talking art like 201 00:09:51.759 --> 00:09:55.240 he owned it. For a second, my breath catches. I 202 00:09:55.279 --> 00:09:58.360 have a nearby, pretending to fuss with my coffee. Who 203 00:09:58.399 --> 00:10:01.559 was he with? The guy's companion asks, not sure, some 204 00:10:01.639 --> 00:10:04.080 woman striking dark hair might be one of his clients. 205 00:10:04.120 --> 00:10:07.519 They look close. I jot the idea down mentally Price 206 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:10.240 and Crane one of the new galleries. Thursday was the 207 00:10:10.320 --> 00:10:12.240 night Matt claimed he was meeting the client, but he 208 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:14.799 never mentioned who he spent time with. The Rest of 209 00:10:14.840 --> 00:10:17.200 the weak rains by inn a blow. Matt and I 210 00:10:17.240 --> 00:10:19.720 have lap mostly at night, brushing teeth in parallel. Two 211 00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:22.879 bodies moving through the same apartment like polite guests. He 212 00:10:22.919 --> 00:10:26.360 skips trivia again Sunday morning, the most sacred of our 213 00:10:26.440 --> 00:10:29.559 shared traditions, Bagel's black coffee across wood and beded. He demers, 214 00:10:30.240 --> 00:10:32.360 I thought I'd squeezing a quick run finished that deck 215 00:10:32.360 --> 00:10:35.879 for Thompson, he says, already tying his shoes. Last year 216 00:10:36.000 --> 00:10:38.519 he'd make bad coffee shop puns while filling seven down. 217 00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:41.720 Now he heads out, leaving the paper untouched in my mug, 218 00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:44.799 cooling by the headboard. By Wednesday, I noticed Matt has 219 00:10:44.799 --> 00:10:47.240 started ducking out of group plans with me, offering vague 220 00:10:47.279 --> 00:10:49.639 excuses that always seem to involve the gallery client or 221 00:10:49.679 --> 00:10:52.639 a crisis with a new campaign. One evening, a tidy 222 00:10:52.720 --> 00:10:55.960 up the apartment, gathering laundry. In the pocket of Matt's light, 223 00:10:56.000 --> 00:10:57.919 we peek out a gift from our first anniversary. I 224 00:10:57.960 --> 00:11:00.879 find a crumpled receipt from Espressomanda, a bet coffee shop 225 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.559 in the heart of the gallery district. It's time stump 226 00:11:03.639 --> 00:11:07.159 seven forty three p m. The prior Thursday. Two espresso 227 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:10.600 dapios twelve dollars and a small chocolate corsa. We haven't 228 00:11:10.600 --> 00:11:13.080 set foot in Espresso Mondo for months. We always joke 229 00:11:13.120 --> 00:11:16.039 about their artfully bum beans. I wonder if Matt was 230 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:18.720 simply trying to impress a client. Business lunches and after 231 00:11:18.759 --> 00:11:21.919 hours meetings are ordinary in his world, but it's unusual. 232 00:11:21.960 --> 00:11:25.000 He's careful, not the type to splurge without cause. An 233 00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:28.799 espresso for two maybe a pre event picked me up. Still, 234 00:11:28.879 --> 00:11:31.600 as I fold his shirt, discomfort begins to collect lesatic 235 00:11:32.320 --> 00:11:35.360 that evening. I mention it trying for playful while you're 236 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:37.399 keeping up with the caffeine scene without me. I saw 237 00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:40.879 your espresso splurge. He studies me for an instant too long. 238 00:11:41.639 --> 00:11:44.480 Oh yeah, client stuff needed to be functional after a 239 00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:47.799 crazy Thursday. Didn't want a sund boring. His grin crumbles 240 00:11:47.799 --> 00:11:50.480 and he glances away, tugging at a calf. The whole 241 00:11:50.600 --> 00:11:52.799 night was super last minute. Those arts to type stew 242 00:11:52.840 --> 00:11:55.919 everything on adrenaline. Well, tell me if you find better 243 00:11:55.919 --> 00:11:58.759 beans than you're usual. I toss back, smiling, but inside 244 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:00.799 I wonder whom he was sharing chop could cross us with. 245 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:03.320 One night, after Matt leaves for a planning dinner that 246 00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:06.320 turns into another late one, I open his laptop. He's 247 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:08.360 not secret of never has been, so I tell myself. 248 00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:10.399 I just need a peek at the agency's new products, 249 00:12:11.000 --> 00:12:14.039 but the browser history is empty. Waped, I stare at 250 00:12:14.039 --> 00:12:17.080 the blinking cusset in the blank search box. Why would 251 00:12:17.120 --> 00:12:20.120 he clear it? What? Am I afraid I'll find? The 252 00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:22.559 next evening, he comes home later than ever, but with 253 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:24.639 a bottle of Sharers and too many cheese kicks from 254 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:27.519 the French baker in Neo's office. He plops on to 255 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:31.120 the couch beside me, legs nudging mine, scrolling through Netflix options. 256 00:12:31.799 --> 00:12:35.320 His warmth is easy as always. I try to savor it, 257 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:38.480 but there's a queasy new awareness. I want to trust him, 258 00:12:38.480 --> 00:12:40.159 but the more he tries to charm me, the more 259 00:12:40.159 --> 00:12:42.840 I wonder what gets left and mentioned. On a rare 260 00:12:42.919 --> 00:12:45.279 evening off we meet for dinner with Matt's agency team 261 00:12:45.279 --> 00:12:48.600 at a stylish Italian restaurant. The wine paws freely. The 262 00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:51.559 table rolls with stories of pitch disasters and campaign winds 263 00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:55.360 as the server sets are posterodaan. Matt's colleague, by ronteases 264 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:58.080 Matt and his arts muse there inseparable these days. I 265 00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:01.559 swear we're hiring art history majores to keep up this laughter. 266 00:13:01.799 --> 00:13:05.320 But Matt only smirks and shakes his head. Careful by ron, 267 00:13:05.440 --> 00:13:08.000 or I'll tell your wife about your sculpture phase. The 268 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:11.919 energy pivots and the conversation quickly moves on. I chuckle along, 269 00:13:12.120 --> 00:13:14.799 but the words burrow deeper, artsy muse not just a client, 270 00:13:14.879 --> 00:13:18.879 then we're just an agency joke. Later, as we walk home, 271 00:13:18.919 --> 00:13:21.879 I reap late exchange. Matt's hand is warm in mine, 272 00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:24.600 but he walks faster than usual, pulling me along as 273 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:26.360 if the quicker we get home, the less likely I 274 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:28.879 am to ask about muses and ah. He mentions the 275 00:13:28.919 --> 00:13:31.279 agency's sudden focus on Nought's marketing. It's just in it. 276 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:33.840 We're testing high value if you can crack it, he says, 277 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:37.600 face angled away, voice clipped. I say, maybe I could 278 00:13:37.639 --> 00:13:40.240 pop by for one of your events, meteor mues, I 279 00:13:40.279 --> 00:13:43.200 say it lightly, trying to read his reaction. Matt Slowe's 280 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:45.759 smiling just enough to seem casual, but the strain around 281 00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:49.720 his eyes honestly, it mayhem at those things. He squeezes 282 00:13:49.759 --> 00:13:53.320 my shoulder, steering me gently across the crosswalk. But sure, 283 00:13:53.480 --> 00:13:56.440 some time if you want. He's careful with his answers. 284 00:13:56.480 --> 00:13:59.919 New for a while, I second guess myself. I might 285 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:02.679 chasing ghosts? Is all this just the city pulling us 286 00:14:02.720 --> 00:14:05.799 in separate directions. When I share my frustration with maya 287 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:07.960 new friend and the wife of Matt's business partner, over 288 00:14:08.000 --> 00:14:10.679 brewerritas at a fruit truck, she cocks her head half 289 00:14:10.679 --> 00:14:13.960 concern and half conspiratorial amusement. I actually saw Mad at 290 00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:17.120 a gallery showing last weekend, she says. He was deep 291 00:14:17.159 --> 00:14:20.159 in conversation with some seriously striking woman. Looked into hands. 292 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:22.720 But you know, art people, big hand gestures for you. 293 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:25.840 Go into the next show. Maybe I'll tag along a smile, 294 00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:28.840 trying not to sound offensive. That might have been a client. 295 00:14:29.080 --> 00:14:32.919 Matt's getting really into the art stuff, she laughs. He 296 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:35.000 looked like he belonged. You should see him work a 297 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:37.840 room anyway. Let me know next time. I'll bring wine 298 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:41.120 that night over dinner. I circle toward it. May, I 299 00:14:41.159 --> 00:14:43.200 saw you at a gallery shore last weekend. Who were 300 00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:46.720 you with? Matt barely looks up from his phone. New client. 301 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:49.720 I'm onboarding Nania something or other. Big deal for the agency. 302 00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:51.919 It was mostly logistics. To trust me, you'd have been 303 00:14:51.919 --> 00:14:54.480 bored out of your mind. He flashes a smile to 304 00:14:54.480 --> 00:14:57.360 cut his annoyance, but it sits poorly. I try not 305 00:14:57.440 --> 00:14:59.320 to push, but something in the way his eyes clicked 306 00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:03.039 quickly to his sets my jaw days fold over. I 307 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:06.360 try to remind myself of our history. Six years ago, 308 00:15:06.480 --> 00:15:08.759 a pop up barn near our first apartment, Matt found 309 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:11.799 me sitting alone, furiously sketching elevations on a cocktail napkin 310 00:15:12.360 --> 00:15:15.000 design crisis or bad date that he'd ask looking over 311 00:15:15.039 --> 00:15:18.480 my shoulder. I'd answered structural integrity, and he'd fallen in 312 00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:21.200 step beside me, making clever jokes about plumb lines and 313 00:15:21.240 --> 00:15:24.039 city code until I stopped fighting my own shyness. We 314 00:15:24.120 --> 00:15:26.159 spent the summer finding the best doll at Toccos and 315 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:28.440 dancing in each other's living rooms, both of us a 316 00:15:28.480 --> 00:15:30.679 little amazed by the way our crook seemed to slot together. 317 00:15:31.320 --> 00:15:33.080 When I got the lead architect bump and the chance 318 00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:35.600 to relocate, he was the first to pack boxes, planning 319 00:15:35.600 --> 00:15:39.039 our scouting trips. Let's build the life we want, new city, 320 00:15:39.159 --> 00:15:42.480 new traditions. We did a d y painting late night, 321 00:15:42.519 --> 00:15:45.440 a key expeditions, hand drawn calendars of quirky city events. 322 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:48.879 Matt was all momentum. I was grounding. He showed me 323 00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:51.120 jokes and late night food. I showed him the quiet 324 00:15:51.120 --> 00:15:53.519 pleasure of two mugs touching in the coffee tray. Crossroad 325 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:57.360 dancers spoken aloud, I miss at. I started making more 326 00:15:57.360 --> 00:15:59.440 of an ft, leaving notes on the mirror, inviting him 327 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:03.360 for impromptu lunches, even suggesting a weekend getaway. Each time 328 00:16:03.519 --> 00:16:06.200 he hesitates, recommends me both rest or coop energy for 329 00:16:06.240 --> 00:16:09.559 the work marathon. He encourages me to enjoy some downtime. 330 00:16:09.639 --> 00:16:12.159 While he never looks like crazy, it's not just that 331 00:16:12.279 --> 00:16:15.120 he's busy. He's carving out solitude, insisting I need mine 332 00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:19.200 to Each excuse calcifies into a wall. One Thursday, on 333 00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:21.080 my way home, I s bought him across the street 334 00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:24.120 from that gallery my I A mentioned. He's outside, head 335 00:16:24.159 --> 00:16:26.919 bent close to a woman, long dark hair, crimson scarf, 336 00:16:26.960 --> 00:16:30.559 angular jacket. They both laugh. She puts a hand on 337 00:16:30.600 --> 00:16:34.320 his arm. I freeze. They're close close enough that if 338 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:36.039 I were across that space with a client, I'd be 339 00:16:36.039 --> 00:16:39.279 careful not to signal intimacy. Before I can move, Matt 340 00:16:39.360 --> 00:16:42.720 checks his watch, says something, and peels away, jogging toward 341 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:46.600 a waiting richer. I cross the street. The woman lingers 342 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:50.279 a minute, then heads inside. I peer into the gallery windows, 343 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.000 but she's soon absorbed in a knot of guests. My 344 00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:56.759 chest is tight, heavy, awkward. I tax Matt, did avent 345 00:16:56.799 --> 00:17:00.360 go well? He replies instantly, yep. Heading home? Want me 346 00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:02.759 to pick up anything? The rest of the night, I 347 00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:05.640 tell myself there could be any explanation A fall asleep, 348 00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:08.519 wanting to believe mine. Saturday, he spends most of the 349 00:17:08.599 --> 00:17:11.960 day in a coffee shop, finalizing a campaign. In the afternoon, 350 00:17:12.000 --> 00:17:14.960 I run errands and half by accident, find myself stopping 351 00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:18.519 at Spressomondo. I buy two cortados, an almen coarser and 352 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:21.319 a magazine, wandering slowly past the gallery scene on my 353 00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:24.519 walk home. No sign of Matt, but my receipt looks 354 00:17:24.519 --> 00:17:26.839 eerily like the one I found in his coat. What 355 00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:29.440 would I have thought seeing me carrying two coffee sola 356 00:17:30.119 --> 00:17:33.200 that night? Scrolling Instagram before bed, I notice by Ron's 357 00:17:33.240 --> 00:17:35.960 story chaotic freeze frames from a gallery event, shots of 358 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.599 guests laughing, a blood image that includes Matt mone cluster 359 00:17:38.680 --> 00:17:41.799 along the back wall. He looks happy, glass raised, arms 360 00:17:41.799 --> 00:17:45.720 slung casually over someone's chair. The tag line reads agency 361 00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:48.519 slays hash Art World, Part of me wants a message 362 00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:51.400 by run an ask, but I don't. As these little 363 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:53.480 clues pile up, each one could be nothing, or they 364 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:55.640 could be fragments of a pattern. I can't quite grasp 365 00:17:56.279 --> 00:17:59.079 A vast lay between two internal voices. One says, be 366 00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:01.640 grown up, give his base work. Stress happened? He knew 367 00:18:01.640 --> 00:18:04.799 this about agency life. The other is sharper. Why all 368 00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:07.599 the secrecy? Why is it suddenly so easy for him 369 00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:10.720 to be somewhere I can't see. On Sunday, he proposes brunch, 370 00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:13.839 but councils at the last minute. Client fall up. Babe, 371 00:18:13.880 --> 00:18:16.920 I owe you. I eat pancakes alone, sirr up too sweet. 372 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:19.920 Tuesday night, I find Matt pacing the living room, phone 373 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.720 pressed to his ear for slow and urgent. I hear 374 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:25.839 him say, no, don't, I'll call you hang on. When 375 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:29.440 he sees me, he brightens instantly. Sorry agency suft by 376 00:18:29.480 --> 00:18:32.319 runs melting down, But he doesn't take the call again, 377 00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:35.319 just flips through TV channels at random. I want to 378 00:18:35.359 --> 00:18:38.160 press him, but I falter. I set up my laptop 379 00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:41.759 near him and hope he'll relax. He doesn't. His phone 380 00:18:41.799 --> 00:18:44.240 stays close, every buzz, sending his hand darting for it. 381 00:18:44.920 --> 00:18:48.640 At one point he sighs audibly. I ask, is everything okay? 382 00:18:49.319 --> 00:18:51.759 He nods too quickly, not looking up from his screen. 383 00:18:52.359 --> 00:18:55.200 Wednesday morning, I open the agency's website during a break 384 00:18:55.200 --> 00:18:57.799 at work, half hoping his new project is highlighted. Maybe 385 00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:00.640 it'll be so DAZZLING'L console myself for this. Driving the 386 00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:02.880 banner shows an event faces kraud the back of a 387 00:19:02.920 --> 00:19:06.079 woman's head, long, dark hair, crimson scarf. I have her 388 00:19:06.119 --> 00:19:09.400 over the photo, searching for confirmation, but there's nothing. I 389 00:19:09.480 --> 00:19:13.119 skull through blog posts and team shout outs, nothing conclusive, 390 00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:16.279 just a flicker of discomfort. That night, he's home early 391 00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:19.240 for the first time in weeks. He offers to make dinner, 392 00:19:19.240 --> 00:19:21.640 digging out the posta machine for Homide Ravioli, our treat 393 00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:24.319 for snowd and week ends only. We dance in the kitchen, 394 00:19:24.359 --> 00:19:26.519 a little stiff at first, but by the third class 395 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:29.200 of wine, our laughter has a genuine edge. Again. For 396 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:31.759 the briefest moment, I wonder if I invented my worry, 397 00:19:31.799 --> 00:19:33.759 if this is simply the ebb and flow of adulthood 398 00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:36.799 and hard deadlines. As we carry the dishes to the sink, 399 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:40.039 Matt kisses the side of my neck. More of this suin, 400 00:19:40.279 --> 00:19:44.200 he promises, Let's reset. I let myself believe it for 401 00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:47.960