Speaker 1: Why is marriage like taking a bath, because after you
get used to it, it's not so hot. Correct?
Speaker 2: Pay that man eight dollars.
Speaker 1: What is an old maid a yes, woman who never
got a chance to talk? Correct, say that nine dollars.
Speaker 3: Because it pays to be ignorant as any half hour
with those masters of insanity Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the
Nail Up Girl, Lula McConnell, and featuring Dark Noovic Orchestra.
But now here's the man who proves it pays to
be ignorant, Tom Howard.
Speaker 1: Oh, here we are again with that quiz program only
for people in their second childhood. We have a board
of experts who think Yale College is where they make locks. First,
we have the celebrated author mister Harry McNaughton, who has
just written a book entitled The Seven New and Exciting
Ways to Eat Garlic or high to become strang. But
here he is, mister Harry mcnott. I have a poem,
mister how I.
Speaker 4: Imagine a farmer had a cow he called Zephyr. She
was really a beautiful.
Speaker 1: Heipper, But when he got near the cow kicked off
his ear. And now the poor farmer is much deafer.
If anyone tells you you confess the cow, it's a
bum steer.
Speaker 4: I am bumsteer, very good, Miss mcnoff.
Speaker 1: Let you have a woman who was so fat it
takes her two hours to dress because she has to
slow down for the curves. A woman whose family has
no background, but she has plenty here.
Speaker 4: She is the.
Speaker 5: Kirdle gravel or the gurdy or the gravel curdie of.
Speaker 1: The floral park. Mislola McConnell, my bridge work.
Speaker 4: As you're slipping to.
Speaker 5: Night, you know that's the hour.
Speaker 2: I'm I'm going to the movies tomorrow like you are,
and I got to get there early.
Speaker 6: I'm so thrilled.
Speaker 4: Watch those thrilling about going to the movies.
Speaker 2: Well, they gotta sign outside, says serviceman twenty five cents yes,
And I want to get the father all goo.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 1: Like we have a man who the day he was born,
the doctor said to his father, congratulations.
Speaker 4: I think it's a baby.
Speaker 1: A man, a man, A man who has been up
the river so many times his friends call him showboat.
Speaker 4: Here he is, mister George Hump Say you know I
got a brother in law up the river. Right now
in jail, and he don't like it.
Speaker 1: Isn't that too bad? He doesn't like it.
Speaker 4: Oh, they put him in a shell that leaks. It's
full of water. The cell is full of water. Well,
he wants me to come up and bail him out.
Speaker 1: Bail him now, Well, there's the expert boats, there's the experts.
Any resemblance between them and human beings is purely accidental.
Here's the first question. Let's try harden answer it. It's
a little tricky this questions, so be careful. I will
read a poem to you. In the poem, there's hidden
the name of a very popular city.
Speaker 4: A poem, a poem.
Speaker 1: See if you can tell me the name of the city.
Speaker 4: Here is the poem.
Speaker 1: There is a lady poor as a mouse, has a
sign outside her house. Washing done here every day? Is
what the sign has got to say. Now, what's the
name of the city?
Speaker 4: What city? The city I mentioned in the pole. I
didn't hear you mention any city, mister mcnott.
Speaker 1: The name of the city is sort of hidden in
the poll.
Speaker 4: Oh you hid the city in a poet's.
Speaker 1: Mister mcnartt, Were you ever kicked in the head by
a jackass.
Speaker 4: Yes, messy, isn't it messy?
Speaker 1: I'll start all over again. I'll listen to the poem.
Speaker 5: There is a lady poor as a mouse.
Speaker 2: What's a lady's name, mister Howard, you're a moron?
Speaker 5: Oh what an odd name?
Speaker 1: Well, you listen to the poem. There is a lady
poor as a mouse, has a sign outside the house, washing.
Speaker 4: Done here every day. It is what the sign has
got the say. Now, what city did I mention? It's
in a large, fatous heart all ride.
Speaker 1: It's a large city. You say, the lady is poor,
poor as a church mouse church mouse. Oh that's pretty poor. Yeah,
church mouse have always poor. Yeah, they've been hit pretty hard.
I wonder what makes church my so poor? I guess
because nobody ever thinks of bringing a piece of cheese
to church.
Speaker 2: But well, I don't think you would hurt a person
when they're going to church to take a piece of
cheese and nip it to the mike.
Speaker 4: No, that wouldn't hurt you, mister Shelton. No I do not.
In fact, I should.
Speaker 1: I think you should always take a pie piece of cheese.
Speaker 4: With you when you go out. Sure, you'll never know
when you'll meet a rat. How do you do mister Sheldon?
Speaker 1: Will your plans get back to the question why city
is mentioned in the poem as a lady poor as
a mouse has a sign outside the house washing done
here every day the.
Speaker 4: Lady does washing. I take it. Yeah, yes, yes, washing done.
Now what city is that be? The lady is clean?
Speaker 5: And well that's right. No matter how who you are.
Speaker 1: You could always be clean painted.
Speaker 5: That's what I always say.
Speaker 4: Must get off, be tiresome, you know, saying that all
the time. Imagine always saying.
Speaker 1: No matter how poor you are, you can always be
clean in it.
Speaker 4: No matter how poor you I can always be clean,
no matter.
Speaker 1: How how are you cut it out? Play you know
I'm getting I'm getting tired already.
Speaker 4: You are you should be?
Speaker 7: Ye?
Speaker 1: Suppose Patrick Henry strew up from Congress and said, no
matter how poor you are, you can always be clean.
Speaker 5: Oh but Patrick Henry didn't say that.
Speaker 4: How do you know he didn't say it.
Speaker 1: She was sitting in the gallery.
Speaker 7: I was not.
Speaker 1: I was falling that night.
Speaker 5: You have all right, Look.
Speaker 1: Can we please answer the question? What was the questions?
No matter how poor you are, you can always be
Wait a matter it's about a city. I'll try once more.
Lady poor's a mouse?
Speaker 4: Does washing washing done? Now?
Speaker 1: Mister Sheldon, wuss city?
Speaker 4: Does that suggest to you?
Speaker 5: Now?
Speaker 1: Concentrate?
Speaker 4: I concentrated. Let me see, Lady is a mouse? You
know I don't seem to be able to fit the
mouse in there?
Speaker 5: Never mind the mouse?
Speaker 4: Wait, I got it, I know it.
Speaker 1: God, Saint Louis, Saint Louis, sure, Saint Louis.
Speaker 4: Mouse stories on.
Speaker 1: Thank you, and now for change. Let's hear from our contestants.
We've invited two members of the studio audience up here
in the stage. They can ask the experts a question.
If they get an intelligent answer, we give them four
pre war white sidewall tires if they don't. If they don't,
we give them to discarded soda straws.
Speaker 4: Whoever. We first, mister Robbers, first name, mister Howard.
Speaker 3: We have fath Sergeant Martin Goldberg of the United States,
Timmy Air cor.
Speaker 4: This third is a place, Martin Goldberg.
Speaker 5: We are very.
Speaker 4: Glad to have you with us. Thank you for coming up. Hout.
Do you feel fine? Why you started to do it?
Speaker 1: Look like you have quite a lot of decorations.
Speaker 4: That young fella haven't you what is that? What other
is that?
Speaker 1: The oak leaf cluster?
Speaker 4: And three of them? Isn't it? Stinger's flying for us?
Speaker 1: And then there were real good clusters, oh.
Speaker 4: The single.
Speaker 1: Everybody know, Yes, sir sun it looks to me like
you've been around with all those. Remind me to show
you my elxitude. Sometimes we are, we are very glad.
Would you mind tell us just a little about yourself?
Where's your hometown?
Speaker 4: Would you try to tell Brooklyn, New York? Brook In
New York?
Speaker 1: I used to walk.
Speaker 4: I used to work in that town.
Speaker 1: Oh stop, were you a clean year? I was. I
was a sergeant in the dentist's office. You were? You
were a soveregnt in the dentist office. I used to
drill tea. Look, hey, Walt, I wasn't that kind of boring?
Speaker 4: And that was kind of boring?
Speaker 1: Never mind a sort of a mouth to mouth existence
play gentlemen, we have a guest standing here, I say,
Soldan's you know, uh, Saldan Goldberg. I was in the
last four Yes, well wide. Remember one night we gave
a party plout Colonel Colonel Betty, Colonel Berry. I was
collecting tickets to the door when the lady and her
daughter arrived, and I said, sully, madam, but you can't
get in without a ticket.
Speaker 4: Yeah, what she say? She said, young man, we are
the betties. Well, I said, I don't care if you're
the catch pajamas. You can't get in without a pie.
Speaker 1: I explained.
Speaker 4: Couple, he was right, or this is order. I'll pay
no attention to modern Goldberg.
Speaker 1: They're just getting near their feeding time.
Speaker 4: Why did you do?
Speaker 1: What did you do before you entered the service?
Speaker 4: Out of high school? Oh? Out of high school? Isn't
that fine? Why? You certainly have gone a long way.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure we're all proud of you, and they're
all proud of you on Brooklyn.
Speaker 4: We're very happy to have you with us.
Speaker 1: Yeah, what's your first name? Honey?
Speaker 5: What Martin?
Speaker 2: Mart Oh isn't that a nice names are name?
Speaker 4: Hey Kilty, he's a nice boy.
Speaker 1: Oh, choose out? Oh my, oh yeah, cut it out.
He's not Frank Sinatra.
Speaker 6: Cut it out.
Speaker 7: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well, well you can just call me vanishing cream, vanishing creed.
Speaker 5: I'm so soft.
Speaker 4: So yeah, and you're good till the last chin. Would
you read it?
Speaker 1: The dunch cap?
Speaker 4: Damn? Pick out a question?
Speaker 6: For us.
Speaker 1: Martin, Please just any question you can get a hold of,
and would you be kind enough to read the question
right into the microphone if you will.
Speaker 4: What season of the year follow summer? Thank you? That's
very good. Did you hear the question? Gentlemen?
Speaker 1: There are four seasons? Spring, summer, Automan, winter, now a
watch season follow summer. That's a trick question, and I'm
not gonna.
Speaker 4: Fall for it.
Speaker 1: May Sheldon Wolford, you said you you practically answered the question.
Speaker 7: He did?
Speaker 4: Yeah, why did you say?
Speaker 7: Mister?
Speaker 4: I said it was a trick question and I wasn't
gonna go for it.
Speaker 5: You didn't say go for it?
Speaker 7: And the hell?
Speaker 4: What is a gop?
Speaker 7: You know?
Speaker 4: You know I'm a gopher.
Speaker 8: You're a golfer.
Speaker 4: Every girl I see I gopher. Ah, I don't know.
I don't get it.
Speaker 1: Wait, why don't you bury yourself on a good book,
or better still, just bury herself. Can anyone tell me
about the season?
Speaker 5: Well? I thought, never a bin lor have a by?
Speaker 4: What comes after summer?
Speaker 5: You know?
Speaker 1: It was the hard I always hate to see the
summer go. You know, I had a wonderful time this summer.
Stopped at the nicest hotel up in the mountains, had
a lovely view from the window. You know, one morning
I woke up it was gone.
Speaker 4: What happened? She moved?
Speaker 1: There was a nice hotel where I was this summer though,
Oh did you have a nice room?
Speaker 4: I lived in the bar, in the bar of the hotel.
Couldn't you get a room not with a bar in it?
Speaker 1: I'm black? The question is not about hotels, is about season.
You're not getting tired, are you, Martin. We'll be with
you in a minute.
Speaker 2: Here, tell me you can come over here and sit
inside of me, said, be trying to come over here?
Speaker 4: Mind now I leave them alone.
Speaker 2: Mind if you want to wait to laughter the programs over.
I know a cute little place called the open Doors.
Speaker 1: Yeah, man Connell, you couldn't get through an open door.
Speaker 4: Let's get on here the question.
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the question. Gentlemen, look, will you
please answer and answer it quickly? What season comes after summer?
Let me put it another way, what season comes before winter?
Speaker 4: How do you like that? Wait for? What are you
doing changing the question?
Speaker 5: I'm not changing the question.
Speaker 4: I mean we come answer the question. You know, if
we keep changing them all.
Speaker 1: The time, the same answer will do for both questions.
Speaker 5: I didn't know we had to questions.
Speaker 1: There is that two questions. I just praised the question differently.
Speaker 4: What was the first question?
Speaker 5: It was a man a woman who took a master
church when I was not.
Speaker 4: You know the last time I went to.
Speaker 1: Church, I was in southern church.
Speaker 4: As soon as I came in, the ychter said.
Speaker 9: To me, you.
Speaker 7: A man, resign.
Speaker 1: The Let's wrestle with the next question here it is
not pay attention. Yes, I will sing a few bars
of a saw. You want to tell me what kind
of pair the girl has that is mentioned in the saw?
Professor Norvick, will you give me an appeggio?
Speaker 4: Give me an ask for never mind?
Speaker 5: Okay?
Speaker 1: He walks with the straw, very blonde, and the band blame.
Speaker 4: You know, mister Howard singing is out of this world.
I wish he was out with it. The band blame
the voice like that. You ought to go patience.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I can only think one night.
Speaker 4: I know that pace. My wife gave it to me
this morning.
Speaker 5: He carried the girl with the straw, very curl.
Speaker 4: And the best play I feel music lovers.
Speaker 1: You know I could listen to mister Howard singing until
the cows come home. You could listen to me sing
till the collar cow. Yes, when the cows come home.
I'd rather listen to them. Mom.
Speaker 4: Besides, you get milk, Besides you get beside. Let's just
utter nonsense.
Speaker 5: Okay, let's get.
Speaker 4: On, mister Howard.
Speaker 5: Yeah, do you know all? Why not take all of me?
Speaker 1: Mister Collard needed ten ton trucks.
Speaker 5: To take all of you. Now look what kind.
Speaker 1: Of hair did the girl have in the song The
Girl of Waltz? Was casey?
Speaker 4: Was that the casey that went to the back that
struck out? You must have played with the Brooklyn Dodges. Yeah,
wait a minute. You know my father was a baseball player.
Speaker 1: Your father was a baseball player, Yes, and you were
his first era.
Speaker 4: That's been all.
Speaker 5: I m a baseball game last week for the first time.
Speaker 4: How'd you like it? I was too noise.
Speaker 2: I should have to see when the ball went some
kind of back hollered down.
Speaker 4: In from down in from What did you say?
Speaker 5: I told him I didn't bend that way.
Speaker 6: That I go, I go have me another.
Speaker 4: Guests, mister Robert, Oh, yes, we have, mister Howard.
Speaker 3: And now I should like to produce Hughs Talkeeper third
class Mary Howie of.
Speaker 4: The Way, Well.
Speaker 1: Go to evening, Miss Howie, how do you feel this evening?
I just wonderful, while you certainly do look delicious. I
will say that where is your hometown?
Speaker 4: With your care to tell us?
Speaker 6: Elizabeth Elizabeth.
Speaker 1: Wells from home? Now?
Speaker 4: I'm Elizabeth Elizabeth. I have a girl that lives over there.
Speaker 1: All you do you.
Speaker 4: Should be in mind. Not a nice girl. But she
don't seem to like me anymore.
Speaker 1: She does know. I wonder how I could get her
to make me, make her love me?
Speaker 4: How you could get her to macro? It's very easy,
mister Sheldon noboy. Just call on me, you know, yeah?
Or rather I'll tell you what to do? You see? Yeah,
what do you do?
Speaker 5: You?
Speaker 4: You call on her with some flowers, a box of candy,
and you go in the parlor, sit on the die
band and you put out the lights. Yeah? Then what
then you send for me? Let's get on here.
Speaker 1: We're very glad to have you with you paid no attention.
Speaker 4: What did you do before you entered the service.
Speaker 1: Miss oscillator?
Speaker 4: You were a contaminus?
Speaker 1: Yeah, that must be nice work. What is the duties
of one of those operators a parameter.
Speaker 4: No, no, don't you try it? I can't. What what
do you do?
Speaker 1: What do you some kind of an tricket machine or something?
Speaker 6: Yes, it does all the work for you?
Speaker 4: Or does the work for you?
Speaker 1: Has it got brains? I wish you'd send it over
here for McNaughton or shell it. Well, we're very very
glad to have you win us. Uh, would you kindly
do us a favorite? Reaching to the dun scat there
and pick out a question for us? Flee any question
you get ahold of?
Speaker 5: Oh that's how? Don't she look sweet unified?
Speaker 4: Yeah? She does, she does.
Speaker 6: She sure looks smart.
Speaker 1: Yes, you know.
Speaker 5: I try to look smart me, but I have dishpan hands.
Speaker 1: You have?
Speaker 4: You have a dishpan page too.
Speaker 6: Now, if you will.
Speaker 1: Help us out by reading the question there in the microphone,
we'll be very very happy. Was Queen of England during.
Speaker 6: The Victoria era?
Speaker 7: Oh?
Speaker 4: That's very good?
Speaker 1: Who was Queen of England during the Victorian era? Did
you hear that? I'm afraid we're gonna have a lot
of trouble with that, baby, Miss McCart.
Speaker 4: You should know that question, Gwen? Did I do I
know the question very well to her. Yes, I'm afraid
I don't know the answer.
Speaker 5: I was afraid of that.
Speaker 4: I'm miss McConnell.
Speaker 1: Do you know who was Queen of England during the
Victorian Era?
Speaker 5: No? No, that is before my time, I say.
Speaker 4: Miss McConnell.
Speaker 1: There wasn't any time before your time there theyn't who
was king at that time? What do you mean who
was king King of England? King of mean Victoria's husband.
He was not king, he was the prince consort the
concert let.
Speaker 4: Really what did they play?
Speaker 5: But played bark at the concert?
Speaker 4: Fuck? I've never played that. I like kid Rummy, I.
Speaker 5: But it's hard to get gin.
Speaker 1: You when your plays concentrate on the question. It's about music,
about music, I'm talking about the Victorian era. It lasted
from eighteen thirty seven, I believed to nineteen one hundred
and one.
Speaker 4: That was around the gay nineties, wasn't it.
Speaker 1: That's right, that was about around the time of the
gay nights. You know, those were the good old days
when women wash skraps, the trailed in the ground.
Speaker 4: Yeah. We used to trail the skype and used.
Speaker 5: To I remember those days. I used to wear a bustle.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't you think it's about time you.
Speaker 4: Took it off?
Speaker 1: Ah, those good old days, you know, when Big Ben
was a watch, when.
Speaker 4: Big Ben was washed?
Speaker 1: You remember those?
Speaker 5: Still?
Speaker 1: Wait, all right, is there any chance of getting back
to the question again?
Speaker 4: Go right ahead? Do you remember the question? Something about
uh yeah, about big Ben? Place?
Speaker 1: Cut it out? Who was queen during the Victorian era?
The Victorian era?
Speaker 7: Not all?
Speaker 1: To be quite simple of your concentrate. She was Queen
of Engle, queen, very popular and a very well like queen.
Speaker 4: Queen A bing is any other thing? Any other little
hints you could get?
Speaker 1: Well, I could a little hint, I could get it.
I could tell you, mister Sheldon that the Victoria Hotel
was named a Oh, I got it, I got it.
God tell him Hanes Helen Han. I'm not to thank
you Mary Howe for being with us. It was very
street of you to come up here. And may I
wish you a lot of luck wherever you may be.
Speaker 10: And now that Ken Roberts does speak the English language fluidly,
doesn't fluidly?
Speaker 1: Yes, Now I'm gonna ask him for his phonograph right
after the broadcast, for his phonograph, because he speaks the
English language fluid. You eat fluidly too, don't you?
Speaker 4: No, not necessarily. I'm gonna diet. I see water I loaned,
you're on a diet. I see I'm gonna die a pink.
I think. Let's get on here and let me correct you.
Speaker 1: Mister Shallon, you don't mean phonographs. You mean his autograph?
Oh no, normous, how I beged diperoman. An autograph is
something the Western Union sends you. I see you're a
way off, mister mcgoth. That a telegraph?
Speaker 2: No the wesson here you says you're a paragraph ten word,
ten words?
Speaker 8: I see.
Speaker 4: Let me inform you.
Speaker 1: A paragraph is just a subdivision and writing. Let me
inform you, mister Howard, you're wrong. A paragraph is an
animal with a long neck, A nanimal with a long neck,
animal a long Wait a minute, that's giraffe, a nod
looking creature with shapeless legs, shapeless body, and the only
sound that can make is a stupid croak.
Speaker 4: Now we're back to miss McConnell again.
Speaker 8: At it.
Speaker 4: This is the Armed Forces Radio Service, the comput