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Speaker 1: Why is marriage like taking a bath, because after you

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get used to it, it's not so hot. Correct?

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Speaker 2: Pay that man eight dollars.

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Speaker 1: What is an old maid a yes, woman who never

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got a chance to talk? Correct, say that nine dollars.

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Speaker 3: Because it pays to be ignorant as any half hour

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with those masters of insanity Harry McNaughton, George Shelton, the

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Nail Up Girl, Lula McConnell, and featuring Dark Noovic Orchestra.

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But now here's the man who proves it pays to

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be ignorant, Tom Howard.

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Speaker 1: Oh, here we are again with that quiz program only

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for people in their second childhood. We have a board

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of experts who think Yale College is where they make locks. First,

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we have the celebrated author mister Harry McNaughton, who has

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just written a book entitled The Seven New and Exciting

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Ways to Eat Garlic or high to become strang. But

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here he is, mister Harry mcnott. I have a poem,

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mister how I.

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Speaker 4: Imagine a farmer had a cow he called Zephyr. She

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was really a beautiful.

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Speaker 1: Heipper, But when he got near the cow kicked off

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his ear. And now the poor farmer is much deafer.

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If anyone tells you you confess the cow, it's a

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bum steer.

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Speaker 4: I am bumsteer, very good, Miss mcnoff.

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Speaker 1: Let you have a woman who was so fat it

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takes her two hours to dress because she has to

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slow down for the curves. A woman whose family has

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no background, but she has plenty here.

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Speaker 4: She is the.

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Speaker 5: Kirdle gravel or the gurdy or the gravel curdie of.

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Speaker 1: The floral park. Mislola McConnell, my bridge work.

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Speaker 4: As you're slipping to.

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Speaker 5: Night, you know that's the hour.

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Speaker 2: I'm I'm going to the movies tomorrow like you are,

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and I got to get there early.

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Speaker 6: I'm so thrilled.

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Speaker 4: Watch those thrilling about going to the movies.

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Speaker 2: Well, they gotta sign outside, says serviceman twenty five cents yes,

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And I want to get the father all goo.

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Speaker 4: Okay.

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Speaker 1: Like we have a man who the day he was born,

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the doctor said to his father, congratulations.

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Speaker 4: I think it's a baby.

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Speaker 1: A man, a man, A man who has been up

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the river so many times his friends call him showboat.

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Speaker 4: Here he is, mister George Hump Say you know I

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got a brother in law up the river. Right now

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in jail, and he don't like it.

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Speaker 1: Isn't that too bad? He doesn't like it.

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Speaker 4: Oh, they put him in a shell that leaks. It's

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full of water. The cell is full of water. Well,

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he wants me to come up and bail him out.

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Speaker 1: Bail him now, Well, there's the expert boats, there's the experts.

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Any resemblance between them and human beings is purely accidental.

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Here's the first question. Let's try harden answer it. It's

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a little tricky this questions, so be careful. I will

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read a poem to you. In the poem, there's hidden

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the name of a very popular city.

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Speaker 4: A poem, a poem.

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Speaker 1: See if you can tell me the name of the city.

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Speaker 4: Here is the poem.

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Speaker 1: There is a lady poor as a mouse, has a

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sign outside her house. Washing done here every day? Is

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what the sign has got to say. Now, what's the

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name of the city?

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Speaker 4: What city? The city I mentioned in the pole. I

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didn't hear you mention any city, mister mcnott.

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Speaker 1: The name of the city is sort of hidden in

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the poll.

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Speaker 4: Oh you hid the city in a poet's.

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Speaker 1: Mister mcnartt, Were you ever kicked in the head by

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a jackass.

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Speaker 4: Yes, messy, isn't it messy?

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Speaker 1: I'll start all over again. I'll listen to the poem.

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Speaker 5: There is a lady poor as a mouse.

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Speaker 2: What's a lady's name, mister Howard, you're a moron?

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Speaker 5: Oh what an odd name?

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Speaker 1: Well, you listen to the poem. There is a lady

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poor as a mouse, has a sign outside the house, washing.

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Speaker 4: Done here every day. It is what the sign has

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got the say. Now, what city did I mention? It's

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in a large, fatous heart all ride.

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Speaker 1: It's a large city. You say, the lady is poor,

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poor as a church mouse church mouse. Oh that's pretty poor. Yeah,

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church mouse have always poor. Yeah, they've been hit pretty hard.

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I wonder what makes church my so poor? I guess

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because nobody ever thinks of bringing a piece of cheese

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to church.

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Speaker 2: But well, I don't think you would hurt a person

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when they're going to church to take a piece of

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cheese and nip it to the mike.

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Speaker 4: No, that wouldn't hurt you, mister Shelton. No I do not.

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In fact, I should.

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Speaker 1: I think you should always take a pie piece of cheese.

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Speaker 4: With you when you go out. Sure, you'll never know

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when you'll meet a rat. How do you do mister Sheldon?

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Speaker 1: Will your plans get back to the question why city

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is mentioned in the poem as a lady poor as

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a mouse has a sign outside the house washing done

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here every day the.

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Speaker 4: Lady does washing. I take it. Yeah, yes, yes, washing done.

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Now what city is that be? The lady is clean?

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Speaker 5: And well that's right. No matter how who you are.

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Speaker 1: You could always be clean painted.

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Speaker 5: That's what I always say.

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Speaker 4: Must get off, be tiresome, you know, saying that all

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the time. Imagine always saying.

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Speaker 1: No matter how poor you are, you can always be

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clean in it.

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Speaker 4: No matter how poor you I can always be clean,

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no matter.

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Speaker 1: How how are you cut it out? Play you know

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I'm getting I'm getting tired already.

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Speaker 4: You are you should be?

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Speaker 7: Ye?

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Speaker 1: Suppose Patrick Henry strew up from Congress and said, no

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matter how poor you are, you can always be clean.

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Speaker 5: Oh but Patrick Henry didn't say that.

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Speaker 4: How do you know he didn't say it.

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Speaker 1: She was sitting in the gallery.

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Speaker 7: I was not.

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Speaker 1: I was falling that night.

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Speaker 5: You have all right, Look.

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Speaker 1: Can we please answer the question? What was the questions?

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No matter how poor you are, you can always be

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Wait a matter it's about a city. I'll try once more.

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Lady poor's a mouse?

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Speaker 4: Does washing washing done? Now?

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Speaker 1: Mister Sheldon, wuss city?

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Speaker 4: Does that suggest to you?

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Speaker 5: Now?

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Speaker 1: Concentrate?

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Speaker 4: I concentrated. Let me see, Lady is a mouse? You

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know I don't seem to be able to fit the

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mouse in there?

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Speaker 5: Never mind the mouse?

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Speaker 4: Wait, I got it, I know it.

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Speaker 1: God, Saint Louis, Saint Louis, sure, Saint Louis.

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Speaker 4: Mouse stories on.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, and now for change. Let's hear from our contestants.

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We've invited two members of the studio audience up here

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in the stage. They can ask the experts a question.

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If they get an intelligent answer, we give them four

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pre war white sidewall tires if they don't. If they don't,

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we give them to discarded soda straws.

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Speaker 4: Whoever. We first, mister Robbers, first name, mister Howard.

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Speaker 3: We have fath Sergeant Martin Goldberg of the United States,

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Timmy Air cor.

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Speaker 4: This third is a place, Martin Goldberg.

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Speaker 5: We are very.

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Speaker 4: Glad to have you with us. Thank you for coming up. Hout.

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Do you feel fine? Why you started to do it?

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Speaker 1: Look like you have quite a lot of decorations.

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Speaker 4: That young fella haven't you what is that? What other

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is that?

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Speaker 1: The oak leaf cluster?

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Speaker 4: And three of them? Isn't it? Stinger's flying for us?

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Speaker 1: And then there were real good clusters, oh.

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Speaker 4: The single.

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Speaker 1: Everybody know, Yes, sir sun it looks to me like

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you've been around with all those. Remind me to show

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you my elxitude. Sometimes we are, we are very glad.

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Would you mind tell us just a little about yourself?

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Where's your hometown?

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Speaker 4: Would you try to tell Brooklyn, New York? Brook In

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New York?

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Speaker 1: I used to walk.

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Speaker 4: I used to work in that town.

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Speaker 1: Oh stop, were you a clean year? I was. I

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was a sergeant in the dentist's office. You were? You

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were a soveregnt in the dentist office. I used to

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drill tea. Look, hey, Walt, I wasn't that kind of boring?

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Speaker 4: And that was kind of boring?

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Speaker 1: Never mind a sort of a mouth to mouth existence

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play gentlemen, we have a guest standing here, I say,

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Soldan's you know, uh, Saldan Goldberg. I was in the

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last four Yes, well wide. Remember one night we gave

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a party plout Colonel Colonel Betty, Colonel Berry. I was

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collecting tickets to the door when the lady and her

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daughter arrived, and I said, sully, madam, but you can't

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get in without a ticket.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, what she say? She said, young man, we are

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the betties. Well, I said, I don't care if you're

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the catch pajamas. You can't get in without a pie.

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Speaker 1: I explained.

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Speaker 4: Couple, he was right, or this is order. I'll pay

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no attention to modern Goldberg.

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Speaker 1: They're just getting near their feeding time.

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Speaker 4: Why did you do?

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Speaker 1: What did you do before you entered the service?

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Speaker 4: Out of high school? Oh? Out of high school? Isn't

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that fine? Why? You certainly have gone a long way.

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Speaker 1: And I'm sure we're all proud of you, and they're

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all proud of you on Brooklyn.

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Speaker 4: We're very happy to have you with us.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, what's your first name? Honey?

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Speaker 5: What Martin?

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Speaker 2: Mart Oh isn't that a nice names are name?

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Speaker 4: Hey Kilty, he's a nice boy.

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Speaker 1: Oh, choose out? Oh my, oh yeah, cut it out.

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He's not Frank Sinatra.

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Speaker 6: Cut it out.

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Speaker 7: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Well, well you can just call me vanishing cream, vanishing creed.

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Speaker 5: I'm so soft.

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Speaker 4: So yeah, and you're good till the last chin. Would

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you read it?

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Speaker 1: The dunch cap?

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Speaker 4: Damn? Pick out a question?

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Speaker 6: For us.

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Speaker 1: Martin, Please just any question you can get a hold of,

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and would you be kind enough to read the question

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right into the microphone if you will.

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Speaker 4: What season of the year follow summer? Thank you? That's

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very good. Did you hear the question? Gentlemen?

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Speaker 1: There are four seasons? Spring, summer, Automan, winter, now a

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watch season follow summer. That's a trick question, and I'm

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not gonna.

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Speaker 4: Fall for it.

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Speaker 1: May Sheldon Wolford, you said you you practically answered the question.

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Speaker 7: He did?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, why did you say?

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Speaker 7: Mister?

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Speaker 4: I said it was a trick question and I wasn't

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gonna go for it.

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Speaker 5: You didn't say go for it?

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Speaker 7: And the hell?

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Speaker 4: What is a gop?

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Speaker 7: You know?

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Speaker 4: You know I'm a gopher.

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Speaker 8: You're a golfer.

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Speaker 4: Every girl I see I gopher. Ah, I don't know.

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I don't get it.

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Speaker 1: Wait, why don't you bury yourself on a good book,

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or better still, just bury herself. Can anyone tell me

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about the season?

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Speaker 5: Well? I thought, never a bin lor have a by?

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Speaker 4: What comes after summer?

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Speaker 5: You know?

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Speaker 1: It was the hard I always hate to see the

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summer go. You know, I had a wonderful time this summer.

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Stopped at the nicest hotel up in the mountains, had

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a lovely view from the window. You know, one morning

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I woke up it was gone.

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Speaker 4: What happened? She moved?

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Speaker 1: There was a nice hotel where I was this summer though,

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Oh did you have a nice room?

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Speaker 4: I lived in the bar, in the bar of the hotel.

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Couldn't you get a room not with a bar in it?

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Speaker 1: I'm black? The question is not about hotels, is about season.

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You're not getting tired, are you, Martin. We'll be with

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you in a minute.

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Speaker 2: Here, tell me you can come over here and sit

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inside of me, said, be trying to come over here?

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Speaker 4: Mind now I leave them alone.

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Speaker 2: Mind if you want to wait to laughter the programs over.

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I know a cute little place called the open Doors.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, man Connell, you couldn't get through an open door.

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Speaker 4: Let's get on here the question.

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Speaker 1: Let's get back to the question. Gentlemen, look, will you

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please answer and answer it quickly? What season comes after summer?

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Let me put it another way, what season comes before winter?

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Speaker 4: How do you like that? Wait for? What are you

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doing changing the question?

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Speaker 5: I'm not changing the question.

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Speaker 4: I mean we come answer the question. You know, if

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we keep changing them all.

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Speaker 1: The time, the same answer will do for both questions.

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Speaker 5: I didn't know we had to questions.

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Speaker 1: There is that two questions. I just praised the question differently.

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Speaker 4: What was the first question?

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Speaker 5: It was a man a woman who took a master

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church when I was not.

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Speaker 4: You know the last time I went to.

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Speaker 1: Church, I was in southern church.

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Speaker 4: As soon as I came in, the ychter said.

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Speaker 9: To me, you.

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Speaker 7: A man, resign.

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Speaker 1: The Let's wrestle with the next question here it is

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not pay attention. Yes, I will sing a few bars

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of a saw. You want to tell me what kind

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of pair the girl has that is mentioned in the saw?

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Professor Norvick, will you give me an appeggio?

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Speaker 4: Give me an ask for never mind?

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Speaker 5: Okay?

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Speaker 1: He walks with the straw, very blonde, and the band blame.

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Speaker 4: You know, mister Howard singing is out of this world.

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I wish he was out with it. The band blame

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the voice like that. You ought to go patience.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I can only think one night.

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Speaker 4: I know that pace. My wife gave it to me

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this morning.

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Speaker 5: He carried the girl with the straw, very curl.

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Speaker 4: And the best play I feel music lovers.

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Speaker 1: You know I could listen to mister Howard singing until

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the cows come home. You could listen to me sing

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till the collar cow. Yes, when the cows come home.

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I'd rather listen to them. Mom.

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Speaker 4: Besides, you get milk, Besides you get beside. Let's just

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utter nonsense.

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Speaker 5: Okay, let's get.

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Speaker 4: On, mister Howard.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, do you know all? Why not take all of me?

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Speaker 1: Mister Collard needed ten ton trucks.

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Speaker 5: To take all of you. Now look what kind.

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Speaker 1: Of hair did the girl have in the song The

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Girl of Waltz? Was casey?

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Speaker 4: Was that the casey that went to the back that

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struck out? You must have played with the Brooklyn Dodges. Yeah,

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wait a minute. You know my father was a baseball player.

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Speaker 1: Your father was a baseball player, Yes, and you were

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his first era.

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Speaker 4: That's been all.

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Speaker 5: I m a baseball game last week for the first time.

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Speaker 4: How'd you like it? I was too noise.

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Speaker 2: I should have to see when the ball went some

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kind of back hollered down.

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Speaker 4: In from down in from What did you say?

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Speaker 5: I told him I didn't bend that way.

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Speaker 6: That I go, I go have me another.

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Speaker 4: Guests, mister Robert, Oh, yes, we have, mister Howard.

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Speaker 3: And now I should like to produce Hughs Talkeeper third

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class Mary Howie of.

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Speaker 4: The Way, Well.

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Speaker 1: Go to evening, Miss Howie, how do you feel this evening?

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I just wonderful, while you certainly do look delicious. I

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will say that where is your hometown?

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Speaker 4: With your care to tell us?

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Speaker 6: Elizabeth Elizabeth.

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Speaker 1: Wells from home? Now?

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Speaker 4: I'm Elizabeth Elizabeth. I have a girl that lives over there.

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Speaker 1: All you do you.

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Speaker 4: Should be in mind. Not a nice girl. But she

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don't seem to like me anymore.

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Speaker 1: She does know. I wonder how I could get her

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to make me, make her love me?

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Speaker 4: How you could get her to macro? It's very easy,

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mister Sheldon noboy. Just call on me, you know, yeah?

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Or rather I'll tell you what to do? You see? Yeah,

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what do you do?

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Speaker 5: You?

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Speaker 4: You call on her with some flowers, a box of candy,

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and you go in the parlor, sit on the die

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band and you put out the lights. Yeah? Then what

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then you send for me? Let's get on here.

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Speaker 1: We're very glad to have you with you paid no attention.

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Speaker 4: What did you do before you entered the service.

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Speaker 1: Miss oscillator?

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Speaker 4: You were a contaminus?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that must be nice work. What is the duties

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00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:05,759
of one of those operators a parameter.

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Speaker 4: No, no, don't you try it? I can't. What what

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do you do?

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00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:16,160
Speaker 1: What do you some kind of an tricket machine or something?

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Speaker 6: Yes, it does all the work for you?

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Speaker 4: Or does the work for you?

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Speaker 1: Has it got brains? I wish you'd send it over

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here for McNaughton or shell it. Well, we're very very

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glad to have you win us. Uh, would you kindly

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do us a favorite? Reaching to the dun scat there

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and pick out a question for us? Flee any question

363
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:38,480
you get ahold of?

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Speaker 5: Oh that's how? Don't she look sweet unified?

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Speaker 4: Yeah? She does, she does.

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Speaker 6: She sure looks smart.

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Speaker 1: Yes, you know.

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Speaker 5: I try to look smart me, but I have dishpan hands.

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Speaker 1: You have?

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Speaker 4: You have a dishpan page too.

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Speaker 6: Now, if you will.

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Speaker 1: Help us out by reading the question there in the microphone,

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we'll be very very happy. Was Queen of England during.

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Speaker 6: The Victoria era?

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Speaker 7: Oh?

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Speaker 4: That's very good?

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00:21:04,079 --> 00:21:07,599
Speaker 1: Who was Queen of England during the Victorian era? Did

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you hear that? I'm afraid we're gonna have a lot

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00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,240
of trouble with that, baby, Miss McCart.

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Speaker 4: You should know that question, Gwen? Did I do I

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know the question very well to her. Yes, I'm afraid

382
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I don't know the answer.

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Speaker 5: I was afraid of that.

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Speaker 4: I'm miss McConnell.

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Speaker 1: Do you know who was Queen of England during the

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Victorian Era?

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Speaker 5: No? No, that is before my time, I say.

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Speaker 4: Miss McConnell.

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Speaker 1: There wasn't any time before your time there theyn't who

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00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,160
was king at that time? What do you mean who

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00:21:43,279 --> 00:21:47,359
was king King of England? King of mean Victoria's husband.

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He was not king, he was the prince consort the

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concert let.

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Speaker 4: Really what did they play?

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Speaker 5: But played bark at the concert?

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Speaker 4: Fuck? I've never played that. I like kid Rummy, I.

397
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:04,039
Speaker 5: But it's hard to get gin.

398
00:22:06,759 --> 00:22:11,079
Speaker 1: You when your plays concentrate on the question. It's about music,

399
00:22:11,519 --> 00:22:15,640
about music, I'm talking about the Victorian era. It lasted

400
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,279
from eighteen thirty seven, I believed to nineteen one hundred

401
00:22:19,319 --> 00:22:19,640
and one.

402
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,799
Speaker 4: That was around the gay nineties, wasn't it.

403
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,960
Speaker 1: That's right, that was about around the time of the

404
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,039
gay nights. You know, those were the good old days

405
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:29,599
when women wash skraps, the trailed in the ground.

406
00:22:29,759 --> 00:22:31,920
Speaker 4: Yeah. We used to trail the skype and used.

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00:22:31,799 --> 00:22:37,440
Speaker 5: To I remember those days. I used to wear a bustle.

408
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't you think it's about time you.

409
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:39,920
Speaker 4: Took it off?

410
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,279
Speaker 1: Ah, those good old days, you know, when Big Ben

411
00:22:44,319 --> 00:22:45,440
was a watch, when.

412
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:46,319
Speaker 4: Big Ben was washed?

413
00:22:46,359 --> 00:22:47,160
Speaker 1: You remember those?

414
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:47,400
Speaker 5: Still?

415
00:22:47,519 --> 00:22:50,759
Speaker 1: Wait, all right, is there any chance of getting back

416
00:22:50,759 --> 00:22:51,519
to the question again?

417
00:22:51,759 --> 00:22:54,480
Speaker 4: Go right ahead? Do you remember the question? Something about

418
00:22:54,799 --> 00:22:57,640
uh yeah, about big Ben? Place?

419
00:22:57,759 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: Cut it out? Who was queen during the Victorian era?

420
00:23:01,759 --> 00:23:02,880
The Victorian era?

421
00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:03,480
Speaker 7: Not all?

422
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,160
Speaker 1: To be quite simple of your concentrate. She was Queen

423
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:10,720
of Engle, queen, very popular and a very well like queen.

424
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,319
Speaker 4: Queen A bing is any other thing? Any other little

425
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:14,039
hints you could get?

426
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:16,519
Speaker 1: Well, I could a little hint, I could get it.

427
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:19,680
I could tell you, mister Sheldon that the Victoria Hotel

428
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,759
was named a Oh, I got it, I got it.

429
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:37,839
God tell him Hanes Helen Han. I'm not to thank

430
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,119
you Mary Howe for being with us. It was very

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street of you to come up here. And may I

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00:23:42,079 --> 00:23:44,079
wish you a lot of luck wherever you may be.

433
00:24:17,079 --> 00:25:46,000
Speaker 10: And now that Ken Roberts does speak the English language fluidly,

434
00:25:46,079 --> 00:25:47,000
doesn't fluidly?

435
00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,400
Speaker 1: Yes, Now I'm gonna ask him for his phonograph right

436
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:52,480
after the broadcast, for his phonograph, because he speaks the

437
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,279
English language fluid. You eat fluidly too, don't you?

438
00:25:56,319 --> 00:26:00,519
Speaker 4: No, not necessarily. I'm gonna diet. I see water I loaned,

439
00:26:00,599 --> 00:26:03,640
you're on a diet. I see I'm gonna die a pink.

440
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:07,559
I think. Let's get on here and let me correct you.

441
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:11,839
Speaker 1: Mister Shallon, you don't mean phonographs. You mean his autograph?

442
00:26:11,759 --> 00:26:14,720
Oh no, normous, how I beged diperoman. An autograph is

443
00:26:14,759 --> 00:26:18,039
something the Western Union sends you. I see you're a

444
00:26:18,079 --> 00:26:20,400
way off, mister mcgoth. That a telegraph?

445
00:26:20,559 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 2: No the wesson here you says you're a paragraph ten word,

446
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:24,920
ten words?

447
00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 8: I see.

448
00:26:26,519 --> 00:26:27,440
Speaker 4: Let me inform you.

449
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:31,079
Speaker 1: A paragraph is just a subdivision and writing. Let me

450
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,000
inform you, mister Howard, you're wrong. A paragraph is an

451
00:26:35,039 --> 00:26:40,160
animal with a long neck, A nanimal with a long neck,

452
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,559
animal a long Wait a minute, that's giraffe, a nod

453
00:26:43,599 --> 00:26:47,079
looking creature with shapeless legs, shapeless body, and the only

454
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,160
sound that can make is a stupid croak.

455
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:50,880
Speaker 4: Now we're back to miss McConnell again.

456
00:26:50,960 --> 00:28:26,839
Speaker 8: At it.

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Speaker 4: This is the Armed Forces Radio Service, the comput