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<v Speaker 1>This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 2>The Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 1>It's a great Love to bab Hi again.

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<v Speaker 2>Everyone, It's Brian how We welcome to the Great Love Debate,

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<v Speaker 2>the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen.

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<v Speaker 2>I am back here in the very fine studios of

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<v Speaker 2>Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am the one

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<v Speaker 2>in Palm Beach Gardens, which is very lovely. I don't

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<v Speaker 2>come to this one a month enough, but tis the

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<v Speaker 2>season here and it's it's it's game on in Palm

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<v Speaker 2>Beach Gardens. At the beginning of the show, every time

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<v Speaker 2>I do the show, I say the words dating and relationship.

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<v Speaker 2>In some ways dating should rely to relationship. They do

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<v Speaker 2>have their own sort of universes that they exist in.

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<v Speaker 2>So one of the things that we hear, especially at

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<v Speaker 2>our live shows, is that dating has gotten more difficult.

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<v Speaker 2>And you could make that argument in some ways, there's

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<v Speaker 2>some things that have made it difficult.

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<v Speaker 1>In a lot of ways, dating is easier, and.

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<v Speaker 2>A lot of ways dating is how it always was.

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<v Speaker 2>Guy girl sniffing around each other, have a drink and

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<v Speaker 2>hope to make out in the parking lot like. It

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<v Speaker 2>really hasn't evolved a lot from that. The mechanism and

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<v Speaker 2>how we get there was ever. Relationships, though, I believe,

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<v Speaker 2>have gotten more difficult, and there's a lot of reasons

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<v Speaker 2>for that, And because I am only semi competent at

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<v Speaker 2>laying out those reasons, I brought in a couple of

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<v Speaker 2>pros here today. You're going to help us a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit with the dating side, but a lot of the

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<v Speaker 2>relationship side, what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong,

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<v Speaker 2>And a big part of this is about why things

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<v Speaker 2>have changed to make relationships difficult. They are the hosts

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<v Speaker 2>of the Slightly Saying podcast. I think they're mostly sane,

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<v Speaker 2>and so the part that is not quite saying is

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<v Speaker 2>the entertaining part. Here. They brought their own pillows to

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<v Speaker 2>sit in the chair. It's very luxurious.

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<v Speaker 1>Doctor Christy and doctor Laura. How are you two doctors

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<v Speaker 1>in the house.

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<v Speaker 3>Hello, Brian, how are you?

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<v Speaker 4>Good morning, Brian. It's so good to be here.

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<v Speaker 2>I've made this point before on this show, and I've

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<v Speaker 2>heard you make this point before that this idea of

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<v Speaker 2>trying to fall fall in love with somebody and make

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<v Speaker 2>them your soulmate and spend fifty years happily ever after

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<v Speaker 2>together is in the in the you know, sort of

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<v Speaker 2>concept of time, like a blink of an eye. In

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<v Speaker 2>terms of time, we're maybe two hundred, three hundred years

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<v Speaker 2>into that.

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<v Speaker 1>Life expectancy used to.

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<v Speaker 2>Be, you know, thirty, you'd you'd meet, you'd farm, you'd breed,

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<v Speaker 2>you'd die, and that was it. And then it I

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<v Speaker 2>think it evolved into families. Swapping a guy or a

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<v Speaker 2>girl for each other might have been a trade.

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<v Speaker 1>We'll call it matchmaking in a way, but a little

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<v Speaker 1>bit it was like a a it was a legal thing.

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<v Speaker 2>And then somewhere on the line despite if you want

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<v Speaker 2>to go back to you know, Anthony Klaypatrick and Romeo

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<v Speaker 2>and Juliet and all those if you if you want

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<v Speaker 2>to come into to now only in you know, the

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<v Speaker 2>wedding vows were only written through or four hundred years ago.

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<v Speaker 2>This idea of like we're going to meet, we're gonna

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<v Speaker 2>fall in love, we're gonna and the world has changed tremendously.

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<v Speaker 2>Life expectancy has changed. You're around with your kids a

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<v Speaker 2>lot longer, financial responsibilities In the last twenty years, obviously,

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<v Speaker 2>gender roles have shifted and all of that leads to

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<v Speaker 2>communication breakdown, confidence breakdown, but sometimes in a breakdown of

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<v Speaker 2>a relationship that might not have happened in sixteen twenty

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<v Speaker 2>two that reasonable setup.

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<v Speaker 4>Definitely, definitely yep.

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<v Speaker 1>So why do you Let's let's start with the premise.

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<v Speaker 2>The premise is, I think relationships are more difficult because

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<v Speaker 2>life is more complicated than it used to be. You

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<v Speaker 2>kind of knew what you had to do as the guy.

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<v Speaker 2>You knew what you had to do as the girl.

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<v Speaker 2>You're together for certain reasons, not that long, and it

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<v Speaker 2>worked out very Rarely were two people together for sixty years,

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<v Speaker 2>happy and monogamously.

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<v Speaker 1>And now you involve all of the things.

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<v Speaker 2>Even if we want to get into the last ten years,

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<v Speaker 2>where you're talking about women working more outside of the

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<v Speaker 2>house and then you have to deal with childcare and

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<v Speaker 2>you have to do that, there's pressure and exhaustion and

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<v Speaker 2>financial responsibilities and a lot of things that lead to fights, anger, resentment,

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<v Speaker 2>lack of communication, all those things that I don't think

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<v Speaker 2>bode well to making things last.

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<v Speaker 1>So I think, well, I know this is your job.

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<v Speaker 2>People coming to this all the time, and are you

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<v Speaker 2>just like that's just the way it is, or're living

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<v Speaker 2>in twenty twenty four and you don't like it, go

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<v Speaker 2>back to the fifteen hundreds.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know.

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<v Speaker 4>Oh, I think that's a complicated.

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<v Speaker 3>Well.

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<v Speaker 4>First, first of all, I can say full disclosure, I'm

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<v Speaker 4>dating Christy is not.

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I'm married. Yes.

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<v Speaker 4>So there's the first hand knowledge and then there's the

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<v Speaker 4>intellectual book knowledge. I think the intellectual book knowledge says

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<v Speaker 4>one thing. But being out there in the dating world,

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<v Speaker 4>I will say it's a shit show. It is. It is, absolutely,

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<v Speaker 4>it has changed, not necessarily for the better.

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<v Speaker 2>Is you were you were married, that was so you

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<v Speaker 2>were out there in your when was your single time.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not gonna say how old you are now, but

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<v Speaker 2>in your twenties were dating?

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<v Speaker 3>I was dating?

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, I was dating in my twenties.

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<v Speaker 2>And now you're back out there post divorce. What is

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<v Speaker 2>changed to you?

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<v Speaker 4>First of all, expectations have changed, apps have changed, there's

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<v Speaker 4>have changed everything. There is more confusion about who does what, yes,

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<v Speaker 4>for sure, yes, who initiates the first contact, who does

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<v Speaker 4>the calling? Listen and snapchat and all of those things

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<v Speaker 4>have made it so much more complicated. We read into

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<v Speaker 4>everything he left me undelivered, he doesn't like me.

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<v Speaker 2>Well, maybe he's busy. We didn't used to have to.

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<v Speaker 2>We didn't know even twenty years ago. That wasn't a

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<v Speaker 2>thing that led.

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<v Speaker 4>To my score like a snap score. Well, listen, he

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<v Speaker 4>didn't answer me, but his snapscore is going up, which

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<v Speaker 4>means he's snapping somebody else besides me.

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<v Speaker 3>What the hell is a snap staying exactly stay married?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah? Yeah, but that he left me on.

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<v Speaker 2>These were adding technology into this, adding an angst and

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<v Speaker 2>worry over this.

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<v Speaker 1>I agree with you on that the who does what?

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<v Speaker 1>And whatever?

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<v Speaker 2>I talk about this to death since the very first

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<v Speaker 2>time we started this show. Is that the blurring of

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<v Speaker 2>the traditional gender roles. Oh, is a wonderful thing in

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<v Speaker 2>every aspect of society except for dating, because it has

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<v Speaker 2>left two or three generations of people having to change

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<v Speaker 2>the way they went about everything right in the middle

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<v Speaker 2>of the ocean.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I think it's got a better.

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<v Speaker 2>Chance to work if it's if it's still the way

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<v Speaker 2>most people over thirty started doing this. He asked her out,

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<v Speaker 2>he pays, he picks you up.

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<v Speaker 1>I can't pick you up anymore.

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<v Speaker 4>You might be a serial killer.

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<v Speaker 1>We were serial killers in the nineties, and you let

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<v Speaker 1>us pick us up.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, we just you didn't watch as much, like we

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<v Speaker 3>couldn't google it and.

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<v Speaker 2>You didn't watch Date Live. Right, But you bring that up.

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<v Speaker 2>You know more now about anybody you go out with,

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<v Speaker 2>if you do your homework, than you ever did thirty

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<v Speaker 2>years ago.

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<v Speaker 4>So maybe I'm unsafe I don't google people.

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<v Speaker 2>Well maybe, but thirty years ago he had a pen

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<v Speaker 2>and a napkin at two o'clock in the morning, you

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<v Speaker 2>took your number and you're like, you have to pick

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<v Speaker 2>me up.

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<v Speaker 1>You have to pick me up. It was like required.

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<v Speaker 1>Now you're like, I don't.

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<v Speaker 2>Want him to see where I live. Well, if he's

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<v Speaker 2>a psycho, he's gonna find out where you live. And

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<v Speaker 2>if he's a psycho, he's probably gonna hide it for

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<v Speaker 2>five dates or thirty days or whatever. It's fear based dating,

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<v Speaker 2>which I talked about a lot of my last podcast

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<v Speaker 2>and got a ton of feedback on that. But it's

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<v Speaker 2>about communication, commerce breakdown and you take these things into

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<v Speaker 2>the relationships. Once you get into the relationships, I think

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<v Speaker 2>then it's like.

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<v Speaker 1>Who does this? Who does that?

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<v Speaker 4>Yes?

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<v Speaker 1>How do you split the ink? You know, two working people,

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<v Speaker 1>we're gonna buy? How does this work? You know?

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<v Speaker 2>I wonder very successful people who are very wealthy and

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<v Speaker 2>they get together, like like Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,

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<v Speaker 2>how do they handle like just buying a piece of property,

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<v Speaker 2>went to buy a house?

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<v Speaker 1>Like I got this one? Like how does that conversation

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<v Speaker 1>even go?

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<v Speaker 2>Are they both donating into a third party trust which

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<v Speaker 2>they probably are a bunch of lawyers and stuff. That's

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<v Speaker 2>not the most romantic way to do things either.

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<v Speaker 4>Neither is a prenup. But all the time no.

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<v Speaker 3>But I think what you're talking about is we do

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<v Speaker 3>well with My personal opinion is we do well with

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<v Speaker 3>clean lines, meaning this is you, this is that, this

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<v Speaker 3>is your role as housewife. I'm not trying to say clearly,

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<v Speaker 3>I don't. I mean I was trained to be a

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<v Speaker 3>professional and not be a house wife or a house mom.

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<v Speaker 3>But I agree with you. It confused. It was the

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<v Speaker 3>start of the confusion of Okay, if you work, and

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<v Speaker 3>you work, who's now responsible for picking up the kids?

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<v Speaker 3>Who takes the trash out? Do you pay for this?

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<v Speaker 3>Do you pay for the mortgage? Do you pay for

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<v Speaker 3>the car?

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<v Speaker 2>And because say what you want And I'm not a dad,

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<v Speaker 2>so I'm just guessing at this. It's always going to

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<v Speaker 2>be way harder on the mom. It is, yes, the

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<v Speaker 2>mom has a shoulders a big part of the logistical

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<v Speaker 2>and emotional burden of the children they is. And sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>then that negatively affects the wildly insecure husband man because

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<v Speaker 2>he's not getting the attention that he needs from her,

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<v Speaker 2>because she's just exhausted from chasing around four year old

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<v Speaker 2>all day long. And that is something that you're not

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<v Speaker 2>prepared for because back when you were just dating, it

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<v Speaker 2>was mostly about fun because the stakes were lower.

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<v Speaker 1>We laughed, and we went on this trip and we got.

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<v Speaker 2>Drunk, and we had looked at our look at our

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<v Speaker 2>matching Halloween costumes and whatever. And then you morph into

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<v Speaker 2>this different phase of life which really has nothing to

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<v Speaker 2>do with what got you together in the first place.

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<v Speaker 4>I was just having this conversation with a couple yesterday.

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<v Speaker 4>I think the danger to any relationship is complacency. You

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<v Speaker 4>gotta if you started off as friends, right, you should

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<v Speaker 4>be treating each other as friends throughout the course of

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<v Speaker 4>the relationship. So it shouldn't be your job as garbage.

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<v Speaker 4>My job is garbage. If you walk past the garbage,

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<v Speaker 4>take the freaking garbage out. Just take it out.

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<v Speaker 3>But again, the expectations. The expectations are confusing to people,

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<v Speaker 3>especially if you were raised in a household that was

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<v Speaker 3>traditional and now your own household is not necessarily quote

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<v Speaker 3>unquote traditional. You're really confused.

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<v Speaker 2>My mother was not allowed to work, and I think

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<v Speaker 2>she and that too. I think she's like, I could

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<v Speaker 2>have had a second act in life. My father was like, no,

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<v Speaker 2>this is your role very traditional. I saw, you know

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<v Speaker 2>the prose of that. As a son, you had your

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<v Speaker 2>mother around, do whatever you wanted. But there's also part

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<v Speaker 2>of her wasn't living her full life. And you get

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<v Speaker 2>together at twenty thirty forty, And I've said this a

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<v Speaker 2>million times, like I didn't know who I.

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<v Speaker 1>Was at thirty.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm supposed to know who you are, and I was supposed.

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<v Speaker 1>To commit that you're going to grow along with me.

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<v Speaker 2>I was at this event last night and this woman,

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<v Speaker 2>she was in her fifties, and she was complaining about dating,

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<v Speaker 2>and she's like, you need to accept me.

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<v Speaker 1>As I am. I'm like, why are you as you? Are?

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<v Speaker 1>You just finished? Are you? Like locked? Nothing is going

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<v Speaker 1>to change about you.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm sorry. That's bs when someone say when.

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<v Speaker 2>Somebody says that that's your excuse, they didn't appreciate me

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<v Speaker 2>for who I am.

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<v Speaker 1>They wouldn't take me as I am.

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<v Speaker 2>You should every date encounter, neew relationship should change you,

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<v Speaker 2>hopefully positively, that you're taking something forward and you're not

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<v Speaker 2>so set in your ways because all you know is

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<v Speaker 2>what did not work out.

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<v Speaker 4>This is like the angry female that is and the

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<v Speaker 4>angry male, which is destroying dating. I have to just

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<v Speaker 4>say it is destroying dating because you have people who

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<v Speaker 4>are coming in with that attitude which I'm rigid. Take

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<v Speaker 4>me as I am.

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<v Speaker 3>This is it.

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<v Speaker 4>You don't like me, screw off. Sorry, you're not getting

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<v Speaker 4>any dates.

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<v Speaker 2>You're just not the Yeah, I agree, and this whole

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<v Speaker 2>you know, the men are not perfect by handy means.

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<v Speaker 2>Neither are the women, I agree, But there are I

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<v Speaker 2>think more men out there trying to do the work,

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<v Speaker 2>trying to be curious, trying to ask the questions, trying.

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<v Speaker 1>To learn her than ever before.

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<v Speaker 4>Out.

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<v Speaker 3>No, well, look, I think because our roles have changed

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<v Speaker 3>a lot, the room for growth is more on that side.

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<v Speaker 3>So yeah, there's a little bit more effort being seen.

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<v Speaker 1>You see couples, right.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, she does. I'm the individual side are men.

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<v Speaker 2>So you've been doing this you know, it's that's why

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<v Speaker 2>the boyfriend girls and they come in. Are the men

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<v Speaker 2>more amenable to coming in or they all seem like

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<v Speaker 2>they're kicking and screaming like fifteen years ago, Like are

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<v Speaker 2>they making the appointments?

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<v Speaker 1>Like no, you tell me no, No, I've done that.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm an involved man. I've made an appointment.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, we've already said several things that show that you're evolved.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, even the fact that you recognize that children

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<v Speaker 4>can put a big burden on.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, But I didn't always And it's hard, especially people

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<v Speaker 2>now they get divorced and they try and date again,

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<v Speaker 2>and you've got two sets of bull's eyes with two

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<v Speaker 2>sets of families and two sets of ex's and all that.

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<v Speaker 2>That is a lot more complicated now. But I think

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<v Speaker 2>you know, the rise of the independent woman is complicated

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<v Speaker 2>because if you want to be empowered and take ownership

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<v Speaker 2>of that, you cannot blame the men for every single thing.

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<v Speaker 1>Not to date this podcast too much.

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<v Speaker 2>I always want to not bring any news, but everything's

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<v Speaker 2>got to be evergreen. So as we record this, it's

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<v Speaker 2>the day after the twenty twenty four Oscar nominations came out. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>Barbie which I did a whole episode about about how

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<v Speaker 2>I loved Barbie's Grave.

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<v Speaker 1>It was very empowered.

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<v Speaker 2>Whatever got by any reasonable standard, lauded by the Academy.

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<v Speaker 2>It got eight nominations. And all I see is that

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<v Speaker 2>Ryan Gosling got nominated and Margot Robbie did not, and

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<v Speaker 2>Greta Gerwig just not did not. First of all, Greta

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<v Speaker 2>Gurry got three nominations, you just didn't get nominated in

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<v Speaker 2>Director Director. Yeah, and Margot Robbie got nominated as producer

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<v Speaker 2>for Best Picture. If I said to Margot Robbie, what

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<v Speaker 2>do you want to be the business woman who put

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<v Speaker 2>this billion dollar movie together?

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<v Speaker 1>Or you want to.

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<v Speaker 2>Acting nomination, which you've already got before. And Greta Gerwig

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<v Speaker 2>also already gotten a nomination before as a director, she

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<v Speaker 2>got for Lady Bird, like five years ago. You can't

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<v Speaker 2>tell me that it was. It's suddenly more sexist now

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<v Speaker 2>than two tenty seventeen. It's like, didn't we learn anything

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<v Speaker 2>from Barbie? And so this ramps up a dialogue that

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<v Speaker 2>is unnecessary. You know, it's unnecessary. There's a million real

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<v Speaker 2>examples of the patriarchy and how women are at trade Fairwebber.

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<v Speaker 2>This is not one of them, but because it's low

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<v Speaker 2>hanging fruit and it's pop culture, and it seems very

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<v Speaker 2>aplus B equal C.

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<v Speaker 1>This dialogue is all over the internet.

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<v Speaker 3>Well, I think also you bring in the fact that

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<v Speaker 3>media sometimes we can be sheeps. So we see something

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<v Speaker 3>out that gets posted out there, and they're a business,

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<v Speaker 3>let's post it out there because they're trying to get

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<v Speaker 3>our attention.

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<v Speaker 2>Easy and they do.

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<v Speaker 1>And I noticed, yeah, and.

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<v Speaker 3>We buy into that, and we buy into that very easily.

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<v Speaker 3>And I think that's also some of where it comes from,

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<v Speaker 3>is the misunderstanding of we see it. You know again,

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<v Speaker 3>I'm on the individual therapy side, she's on the family

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<v Speaker 3>and couple side of it. What's happening in reality is

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<v Speaker 3>not what you're seeing in the media, And because people

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<v Speaker 3>have constant access to whatever form of media they want,

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<v Speaker 3>there's information that's being fed about dating and relationships and

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<v Speaker 3>marriage that might not necessarily be true of what's happening

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<v Speaker 3>in reality.

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<v Speaker 4>That's right, all right.

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<v Speaker 2>I want to dive deeper into the therapy side of

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<v Speaker 2>this and the questions that the people are asking. I

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00:14:53.720 --> 00:14:55.320
<v Speaker 2>take a quick break, because we have to pay for

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<v Speaker 2>things like therapy around here with.

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<v Speaker 1>Doctor Christy and doctor Laura.

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00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:01.519
<v Speaker 2>They are from Slight saying they're a little more than that.

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<v Speaker 2>But we will be back right after this, and I

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<v Speaker 2>know you're gonna hate this question.

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<v Speaker 1>We are back.

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<v Speaker 2>What's the number one thing you deal with? Most of

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<v Speaker 2>the women mostly men fifty to fifty both. If it's

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<v Speaker 2>about a relationship thing, the number one issue.

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<v Speaker 3>Is what expectations and resentment, also lack of spontaneity. And

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<v Speaker 3>I don't think it's necessarily their fault. I think it's

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<v Speaker 3>about the fact that, like you're saying, we have more responsibilities,

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<v Speaker 3>we're scheduled more, and it takes the fun out of stuff.

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<v Speaker 3>We mentioned it in one of our shows, where you

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<v Speaker 3>can't just throw the kids somewhere quickly and say, okay,

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<v Speaker 3>let's go, let's book a flight, will be gone for

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<v Speaker 3>a week. You could do that. You could stay up

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<v Speaker 3>late and drink if you're allowed to do you know,

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<v Speaker 3>if that's okay. Now it's all gosh, I don't know.

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe I should stop because I got to be up.

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<v Speaker 3>The kids are going to be up at six. I

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<v Speaker 3>don't want to feel that way. And it really does

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<v Speaker 3>just put so much pressure on.

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<v Speaker 1>It kills the spark.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, fitting it in okay, so we can be spontaneous

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<v Speaker 3>Saturday from a to that's not fun. No, So that's

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<v Speaker 3>what I see on the individual side.

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<v Speaker 2>Really, he can't do this, and yeah, life kills the spark.

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<v Speaker 2>Spark kills. No spark kills the spontaneity. And then spontaneity

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<v Speaker 2>is about excitement. And if the excitement is out of

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<v Speaker 2>your relationship and it becomes routine, that's when I think

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<v Speaker 2>you have to fall back on more conversations that are

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<v Speaker 2>sometimes difficult. But you know, I heard you say on

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<v Speaker 2>one of your podcasts that you should over communicate, ask

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<v Speaker 2>one too many questions versus one too few. Explain that.

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<v Speaker 4>Well, what I'm seeing with couples who have been together

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<v Speaker 4>for a long time, especially is they make too many assumptions.

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<v Speaker 4>They think they know the person, they think they know

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<v Speaker 4>what the reaction is going to be.

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<v Speaker 1>What.

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<v Speaker 4>But but really, if you've been with someone for twenty years,

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<v Speaker 4>you guys have grown right, Yeah, hopefully right, And so

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<v Speaker 4>you can't make an assumption about Oh, I see that

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<v Speaker 4>expression on his face means whatever, I don't know. Maybe

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<v Speaker 4>he's thinking about something about work. Why don't you ask

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<v Speaker 4>him like ask instead of making an assumption that you

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<v Speaker 4>then text him something nasty and now we're often running.

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<v Speaker 2>And you're right, But the challenge is asking in a

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<v Speaker 2>way that isn't accusatory or does not make him feel

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<v Speaker 2>accused us.

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<v Speaker 4>And never use the word why. That is my rule.

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<v Speaker 4>Never use the word why.

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<v Speaker 2>What's the Oh that's good on the king of why?

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<v Speaker 2>What is this substitute?

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<v Speaker 4>If I'm how, I'm curious about how come I'm wondering?

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<v Speaker 4>I notice like why a trigger word for couples. Why

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00:17:42.680 --> 00:17:45.079
<v Speaker 4>is a trigger word for everybody. If I set to you, Brian,

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00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:48.559
<v Speaker 4>why'd you do that? It almost sounds like it's mom

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<v Speaker 4>getting ready to scold.

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<v Speaker 1>I do that as a boss.

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<v Speaker 2>I do that all the time. I don't want to

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<v Speaker 2>know what happened. I want to know why it happened.

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<v Speaker 2>People don't react well to why. I've tried to eliminate it,

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00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:02.640
<v Speaker 2>but that's everything. But if you do it in a

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00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:04.400
<v Speaker 2>couple that it's a cue story because a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>times people don't speak up at all until it's too serious.

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<v Speaker 2>If you're constantly trying to learn your partner and I

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00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:15.480
<v Speaker 2>drive my partner's crazy by you know, what was your

401
00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:18.119
<v Speaker 2>favorite subject in school in fourth grade? And they're like,

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00:18:18.119 --> 00:18:19.880
<v Speaker 2>what do you care? And I'm like, I just feel

403
00:18:19.960 --> 00:18:22.200
<v Speaker 2>I love that I do. I want to know where

404
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.920
<v Speaker 2>you were in different aspects of life. I want to

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00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:25.599
<v Speaker 2>how you change. I want to like, I don't think

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00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:30.160
<v Speaker 2>you ever stopped learning your partner. Some people just feel

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00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:32.240
<v Speaker 2>either that's a part of me that I don't think about,

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00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:34.319
<v Speaker 2>it is gone, or it's too intrusive and I don't

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<v Speaker 2>really understand that.

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<v Speaker 4>I love that you said that because I just had

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<v Speaker 4>someone bring that up. They're involved in a relationship with

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00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:42.440
<v Speaker 4>a person's like, let's just live in the present. I

413
00:18:42.440 --> 00:18:45.119
<v Speaker 4>don't want to know anything about you. It may taint

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00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:48.319
<v Speaker 4>my opinion of you. And I'm thinking, really like that

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00:18:48.519 --> 00:18:50.880
<v Speaker 4>is like big red flag, Like I want to know

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00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:54.799
<v Speaker 4>everything about a person, know how you've grown, know where

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00:18:54.839 --> 00:18:58.119
<v Speaker 4>you're at now, Like how can you close off a

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<v Speaker 4>whole wall of getting to know someone that shuts down

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<v Speaker 4>your intimacy right there?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I really am Like can we go see your

421
00:19:05.160 --> 00:19:07.160
<v Speaker 2>high school or your hometown or where you grow up?

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00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:08.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm just curious. I think a lot of it now.

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<v Speaker 1>If you have some dark memories, it's bad.

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<v Speaker 2>That's He's pretty conversation, Like I would rather not but

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00:19:12.839 --> 00:19:16.039
<v Speaker 2>if their response is more like, why what do you care?

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00:19:16.839 --> 00:19:20.720
<v Speaker 2>And I'm like, because I it helps me understand everything

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00:19:20.720 --> 00:19:23.640
<v Speaker 2>about you and sometimes you know, a lot of big

428
00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:26.440
<v Speaker 2>part of us is are locked in seven year old

429
00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:29.720
<v Speaker 2>Brian or whatever, and be able to comprehend that a

430
00:19:29.720 --> 00:19:31.359
<v Speaker 2>little might let me understand you more.

431
00:19:32.400 --> 00:19:36.640
<v Speaker 3>Yeah. And I also think too, we've become way more

432
00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:41.440
<v Speaker 3>sensitive to things. We get offense, you know, offended by

433
00:19:41.480 --> 00:19:46.279
<v Speaker 3>things too easily. Over correction, Yeah, yes, thank you. It

434
00:19:46.319 --> 00:19:48.400
<v Speaker 3>went from here to there. I hope it goes to

435
00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:52.440
<v Speaker 3>the middle sometime soon, because that's also where the like

436
00:19:52.480 --> 00:19:55.119
<v Speaker 3>you brought up, the over communication, that's where I find

437
00:19:55.200 --> 00:19:59.000
<v Speaker 3>people are hesitant to communicate because they don't want to

438
00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:01.160
<v Speaker 3>say anything that's going to piss off the partner. And

439
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:04.200
<v Speaker 3>I said it before, especially if you care about the relationship.

440
00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:06.759
<v Speaker 2>So you just are like, well, and I always say, like,

441
00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:09.240
<v Speaker 2>be happy that they asked the question. Because they ask

442
00:20:09.279 --> 00:20:11.839
<v Speaker 2>the question, they still care. If they don't ask the

443
00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:13.400
<v Speaker 2>questions anymore, why did you do this?

444
00:20:13.480 --> 00:20:13.759
<v Speaker 1>Whatever?

445
00:20:13.839 --> 00:20:15.640
<v Speaker 2>Like they're checked out and they're gone, and then you're

446
00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:18.440
<v Speaker 2>in no man's land. So if they're constantly asking questions again,

447
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:20.519
<v Speaker 2>not in an accusatory fashion, not like where were you

448
00:20:20.599 --> 00:20:22.440
<v Speaker 2>last night? Who were you with? Like stuff like that.

449
00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:26.839
<v Speaker 2>But if they're always trying to learn you your behavior,

450
00:20:27.240 --> 00:20:30.880
<v Speaker 2>the relationship, what can I do? You know, how can

451
00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:33.240
<v Speaker 2>I make your day better? That's that's something that I'd

452
00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:35.079
<v Speaker 2>never said in my life to Like five years ago,

453
00:20:35.200 --> 00:20:36.880
<v Speaker 2>I heard somebody say it one of our live shows,

454
00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:39.559
<v Speaker 2>like like, oh, that's good. That is what can I

455
00:20:39.599 --> 00:20:41.079
<v Speaker 2>do to improve your What can I do for you?

456
00:20:41.160 --> 00:20:43.319
<v Speaker 1>Right now? I'm like, that's top notch. I need to

457
00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:43.799
<v Speaker 1>use that.

458
00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:46.839
<v Speaker 2>You know, you don't think it, And most of the

459
00:20:46.839 --> 00:20:49.200
<v Speaker 2>time you're gonna get nothing like I'm good, nothing but

460
00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:52.599
<v Speaker 2>the act of asking and trying because a lot of times,

461
00:20:52.599 --> 00:20:54.319
<v Speaker 2>and you guys know that once it gets to the

462
00:20:54.359 --> 00:20:57.640
<v Speaker 2>point where they got to call you and I know

463
00:20:57.759 --> 00:20:59.359
<v Speaker 2>you can, you're not gonna want This is not good

464
00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:02.359
<v Speaker 2>for business, it's too late. But there's a lot of

465
00:21:02.400 --> 00:21:05.920
<v Speaker 2>times when you got to call earlier, you a call

466
00:21:06.000 --> 00:21:07.839
<v Speaker 2>before you hate them.

467
00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:10.680
<v Speaker 4>And it's not even hate, because with hate there's still passion.

468
00:21:11.240 --> 00:21:12.519
<v Speaker 4>Agree with apathy.

469
00:21:12.759 --> 00:21:13.240
<v Speaker 1>Apathy?

470
00:21:13.400 --> 00:21:16.680
<v Speaker 4>Oh yeah, apathy. If someone doesn't even care, if they've

471
00:21:16.720 --> 00:21:18.839
<v Speaker 4>totally checked out, that's how you know it's over.

472
00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:21.759
<v Speaker 1>Can you tell it's over before they can tell it's over,

473
00:21:21.960 --> 00:21:23.079
<v Speaker 1>You're not. That's not your job.

474
00:21:23.400 --> 00:21:27.759
<v Speaker 4>No, I can tell it's over. I can tell it's over.

475
00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:30.359
<v Speaker 1>But then they won't come back if you say it.

476
00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:32.279
<v Speaker 4>But sometimes I've said to them, look, guys, I think

477
00:21:32.279 --> 00:21:36.000
<v Speaker 4>it's over. Like you're both communicating that you don't even

478
00:21:36.039 --> 00:21:37.599
<v Speaker 4>love each other. It's over.

479
00:21:38.480 --> 00:21:41.119
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, And that's one of the things. If there is

480
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:46.880
<v Speaker 3>a genuine fundamental foundation of love, I've seen people through

481
00:21:46.880 --> 00:21:50.359
<v Speaker 3>the years go through some shit and evolve and come

482
00:21:50.400 --> 00:21:54.160
<v Speaker 3>out stronger because they do genuinely love that person.

483
00:21:54.559 --> 00:21:56.599
<v Speaker 2>And a question that probably comes up with you, guys,

484
00:21:56.640 --> 00:21:58.799
<v Speaker 2>is well, I don't understand how they could do or

485
00:21:58.880 --> 00:22:01.319
<v Speaker 2>say that if they love me and they say they

486
00:22:01.359 --> 00:22:04.559
<v Speaker 2>love me, and those aren't necessarily related things, right, not.

487
00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:07.000
<v Speaker 3>Equivalent, No, not at all. And I always say the

488
00:22:07.000 --> 00:22:10.759
<v Speaker 3>opposite of love is hurt, you know, if you love

489
00:22:10.839 --> 00:22:13.839
<v Speaker 3>someone that much. Unfortunately we do, like it or not,

490
00:22:13.960 --> 00:22:16.440
<v Speaker 3>we hurt the people that are closest to us. We

491
00:22:16.519 --> 00:22:19.799
<v Speaker 3>hurt our loved ones they see us raw, whether.

492
00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:21.960
<v Speaker 4>That's that vulnerability stuff which I.

493
00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:24.960
<v Speaker 3>Hate that you know me like, I'm no, you know,

494
00:22:25.039 --> 00:22:28.640
<v Speaker 3>But that's the part where it's so hard for people

495
00:22:28.720 --> 00:22:32.680
<v Speaker 3>to if you really really love that person to be

496
00:22:32.839 --> 00:22:35.599
<v Speaker 3>vulnerable to them hurting you and they don't even meet.

497
00:22:35.960 --> 00:22:39.599
<v Speaker 3>We're all human beings, we've been through shit. We're not perfect.

498
00:22:39.799 --> 00:22:42.839
<v Speaker 3>We're not perfect, and so it's just a part of

499
00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:47.039
<v Speaker 3>the process and you have to really forgive one another

500
00:22:47.640 --> 00:22:52.079
<v Speaker 3>and work through it because it's just it's just a there.

501
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:55.160
<v Speaker 3>In my opinion, there's not going to be a relationship

502
00:22:55.200 --> 00:22:59.480
<v Speaker 3>at least from what I've seen, where it's easy. Sometimes

503
00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:02.039
<v Speaker 3>people say, if the relationship is easy, that's the one

504
00:23:02.039 --> 00:23:04.480
<v Speaker 3>that's meant to be. I don't believe that. I don't

505
00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:06.519
<v Speaker 3>know what your opinion is on it. It's that easy.

506
00:23:06.519 --> 00:23:09.480
<v Speaker 3>You're not communicating, and that's what I'm saying. So you're

507
00:23:09.519 --> 00:23:10.759
<v Speaker 3>going to go through some shit and you're going to

508
00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:11.839
<v Speaker 3>hurt each other, right.

509
00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:13.640
<v Speaker 2>And sometimes you know, I've been guilty of this too.

510
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:17.480
<v Speaker 2>We look to, you know, earlier generations and say like, oh,

511
00:23:17.519 --> 00:23:21.240
<v Speaker 2>you guys been married eighty five years, what's the secret.

512
00:23:20.839 --> 00:23:21.799
<v Speaker 1>And why are you so happy?

513
00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:25.880
<v Speaker 2>It was a different time and maybe if they met now,

514
00:23:26.599 --> 00:23:31.160
<v Speaker 2>she would be more career oriented. Social media might have

515
00:23:31.559 --> 00:23:34.599
<v Speaker 2>anything could happen, and however they did things in nineteen

516
00:23:34.680 --> 00:23:35.440
<v Speaker 2>fifty eight.

517
00:23:35.599 --> 00:23:38.720
<v Speaker 1>Might not be relevant sixty five years later, you know.

518
00:23:39.039 --> 00:23:41.519
<v Speaker 4>But eighty five years or however long they're marriage doesn't

519
00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:44.880
<v Speaker 4>mean it's eighty five happy years. Some people are united

520
00:23:44.920 --> 00:23:47.000
<v Speaker 4>in their misery, that true.

521
00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:49.200
<v Speaker 2>Or they know how to navigate, or they know how

522
00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:52.960
<v Speaker 2>to put a face on for the world. I saw

523
00:23:53.000 --> 00:23:55.640
<v Speaker 2>a couple He's dead. I'll say it one time. I'll

524
00:23:55.640 --> 00:23:58.599
<v Speaker 2>say now, Regisphilbin and his wife. They were sitting at

525
00:23:58.599 --> 00:24:01.319
<v Speaker 2>a brunch and they're sitting at the same side of

526
00:24:01.359 --> 00:24:04.880
<v Speaker 2>the table, and they're each reading a newspaper. And I

527
00:24:05.759 --> 00:24:09.039
<v Speaker 2>was trying to figure out, do they hate each other

528
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:11.400
<v Speaker 2>so they're both married in their paper. Are they're married

529
00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:13.880
<v Speaker 2>to their newspaper and not communicating, or are they so

530
00:24:14.119 --> 00:24:16.279
<v Speaker 2>comfortable with each other that this was.

531
00:24:16.279 --> 00:24:19.960
<v Speaker 1>Their sharing time doing the same thing, you know. And

532
00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:22.519
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I couldn't ask them.

533
00:24:22.920 --> 00:24:25.160
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, that's such a fascinating could go

534
00:24:25.240 --> 00:24:28.720
<v Speaker 2>either way depending on how I was feeling to interpret that.

535
00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:31.039
<v Speaker 2>My first instinct was bad, and then it was good,

536
00:24:31.079 --> 00:24:32.680
<v Speaker 2>and then I'm like, huh, this is complicated.

537
00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:33.920
<v Speaker 1>And so that's what I'm saying.

538
00:24:34.000 --> 00:24:36.319
<v Speaker 2>We look at other people and other couples and other

539
00:24:36.400 --> 00:24:39.920
<v Speaker 2>situations and you really have no idea versus what's going

540
00:24:39.920 --> 00:24:40.920
<v Speaker 2>on beyond the snapshot.

541
00:24:41.319 --> 00:24:43.759
<v Speaker 3>And that's what I would say too. I think we

542
00:24:43.920 --> 00:24:47.799
<v Speaker 3>have to throw away other people's expectations of how our

543
00:24:47.799 --> 00:24:51.319
<v Speaker 3>relationships should be. Friends are great when you're growing through

544
00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:53.440
<v Speaker 3>stuff in your relationship, but at the end of the day,

545
00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:55.680
<v Speaker 3>they're not the one living in your house and away

546
00:24:55.720 --> 00:24:58.839
<v Speaker 3>they're typically going to have your back. You have to

547
00:24:58.880 --> 00:25:02.200
<v Speaker 3>decide for yourself you're willing to deal with because you

548
00:25:02.240 --> 00:25:04.599
<v Speaker 3>love that person and what you're not. I don't even

549
00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:07.440
<v Speaker 3>think we can tell that that person. Once they give

550
00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:10.119
<v Speaker 3>us that those parameters, we can say, well, here's what

551
00:25:10.160 --> 00:25:13.400
<v Speaker 3>I recommend to be effective in that. Because we're seeing

552
00:25:13.440 --> 00:25:17.319
<v Speaker 3>on also media the way other people are living their lives,

553
00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:20.920
<v Speaker 3>we think that something is wrong with our relationship. I've

554
00:25:20.960 --> 00:25:24.720
<v Speaker 3>seen it all. I've seen so many different variations of

555
00:25:24.720 --> 00:25:27.200
<v Speaker 3>what a relationship could be. And as long as it's

556
00:25:27.200 --> 00:25:30.279
<v Speaker 3>according to the parameters that you and your partner or

557
00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:35.160
<v Speaker 3>partners or whatever you know, are setting forth, okay, screw

558
00:25:35.200 --> 00:25:37.680
<v Speaker 3>what everybody else says about your relationship.

559
00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:40.279
<v Speaker 2>Well, that's why I'm always against these people who make

560
00:25:40.279 --> 00:25:42.640
<v Speaker 2>these checklists. People make these checklists of like I need

561
00:25:42.640 --> 00:25:45.240
<v Speaker 2>these five or six things that I'm good. There's a

562
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:48.000
<v Speaker 2>list of a thousand things that might make it not good.

563
00:25:48.200 --> 00:25:49.640
<v Speaker 2>You know, it's a very short list of this is

564
00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:51.640
<v Speaker 2>what I want. Well, I'm like, okay, what about these

565
00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:54.039
<v Speaker 2>thousand things? Oh, I'm thought about those those are very

566
00:25:54.039 --> 00:25:58.160
<v Speaker 2>specific or whatever. You have to just kind of ride

567
00:25:58.200 --> 00:26:01.200
<v Speaker 2>a wave of a relationship and really trying to improve

568
00:26:01.599 --> 00:26:04.200
<v Speaker 2>your confidence in what you're doing in this situation and

569
00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:07.920
<v Speaker 2>your ability to communicate and your communication and your ability

570
00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:10.720
<v Speaker 2>to stem it off before it gets too late, because

571
00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:13.079
<v Speaker 2>once it gets to that whatever the word you want

572
00:26:13.119 --> 00:26:16.200
<v Speaker 2>to use is no not anger. What was the word

573
00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:17.079
<v Speaker 2>to use before epathy?

574
00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:17.680
<v Speaker 1>Apathy?

575
00:26:18.920 --> 00:26:21.119
<v Speaker 2>That I don't care anymore? And then you're just sharing

576
00:26:21.839 --> 00:26:26.880
<v Speaker 2>space and you've gone not just from husband wife to

577
00:26:26.920 --> 00:26:29.880
<v Speaker 2>mom and dad, you've gone from future divorces when the

578
00:26:29.960 --> 00:26:32.799
<v Speaker 2>kids are out of the house. That's a tough way

579
00:26:32.839 --> 00:26:35.400
<v Speaker 2>to spend two five, seven, ten years, you know.

580
00:26:35.559 --> 00:26:39.920
<v Speaker 3>M Yes, And I think even when couples fight or partners,

581
00:26:39.920 --> 00:26:42.799
<v Speaker 3>whatever term you want to it's your life. Use whatever

582
00:26:42.839 --> 00:26:44.799
<v Speaker 3>term you want to do with your life. I don't

583
00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:48.880
<v Speaker 3>really care Matthew mcconnie, and I can't remember is his

584
00:26:48.920 --> 00:26:49.960
<v Speaker 3>wife's name Camilla?

585
00:26:50.640 --> 00:26:50.880
<v Speaker 1>Right?

586
00:26:51.160 --> 00:26:51.960
<v Speaker 4>Camilla Elvis.

587
00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:56.599
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, they came out and they said, look, it's we

588
00:26:56.640 --> 00:26:58.279
<v Speaker 3>love each other. That means we're going to get hurt

589
00:26:58.279 --> 00:27:02.480
<v Speaker 3>by each other. Sometimes people fight, Okay, as long as

590
00:27:02.519 --> 00:27:06.480
<v Speaker 3>you just remember the quiet niceties that show the person

591
00:27:06.519 --> 00:27:09.640
<v Speaker 3>you're still in the relationship together, even if you're in

592
00:27:09.680 --> 00:27:11.799
<v Speaker 3>a moment where you may not like each other that much.

593
00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:15.720
<v Speaker 3>Like he she always makes I think it's she always

594
00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:18.200
<v Speaker 3>makes his tea. So even if they've had a fight

595
00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:20.880
<v Speaker 3>in the morning, they still make sure that that's the

596
00:27:20.920 --> 00:27:23.000
<v Speaker 3>thing and then they can go their own way. But

597
00:27:23.079 --> 00:27:26.559
<v Speaker 3>that's at least the signal also for couples I find

598
00:27:26.799 --> 00:27:29.960
<v Speaker 3>is okay, right, everybody sometimes has to go to their

599
00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:33.720
<v Speaker 3>corners to stay effective. But still certain things you can

600
00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:35.880
<v Speaker 3>say to show I'm still in this.

601
00:27:36.599 --> 00:27:39.440
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and if you fundamentally. I did a whole episode

602
00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:43.039
<v Speaker 2>about this last year. Me the five things that I need,

603
00:27:44.519 --> 00:27:47.640
<v Speaker 2>they're all words from my partner I need, good morning,

604
00:27:47.680 --> 00:27:49.799
<v Speaker 2>good night, I'm sorry, thank you, and I love you.

605
00:27:50.400 --> 00:27:52.680
<v Speaker 2>And I talked about how what I needed on that

606
00:27:52.759 --> 00:27:56.200
<v Speaker 2>list has changed over the last like ten years, like

607
00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:58.880
<v Speaker 2>I love Houston, yoube first, because I didn't think I

608
00:27:58.920 --> 00:28:01.279
<v Speaker 2>had enough of that in my life. And then a change.

609
00:28:01.319 --> 00:28:02.960
<v Speaker 2>I need thank you, I need appreciation. Now I need

610
00:28:03.000 --> 00:28:05.880
<v Speaker 2>I'm sorry, because that one takes the most. That's the

611
00:28:05.920 --> 00:28:09.200
<v Speaker 2>most meaningful thing to me if somebody recognizes in some way.

612
00:28:10.559 --> 00:28:13.200
<v Speaker 2>And these are very simple concepts, so it's like, oh,

613
00:28:13.200 --> 00:28:15.160
<v Speaker 2>if I can't get the bare minimum of those things

614
00:28:15.200 --> 00:28:18.799
<v Speaker 2>like good morning and good night, seem reasonable. But some

615
00:28:18.839 --> 00:28:20.920
<v Speaker 2>people are like, I shouldn't have to change.

616
00:28:20.680 --> 00:28:24.279
<v Speaker 1>My behavior because of your needs. Ouch yeah ouch.

617
00:28:24.319 --> 00:28:27.440
<v Speaker 2>But some people are like that, like I'm not I'm

618
00:28:27.680 --> 00:28:29.240
<v Speaker 2>get up late and I'm tired. I don't like to

619
00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:30.920
<v Speaker 2>say good morning like whatever you you know, so you

620
00:28:30.920 --> 00:28:34.039
<v Speaker 2>have to sort of marry that too, like, okay, well,

621
00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:37.200
<v Speaker 2>is there another way that I can get whatever that

622
00:28:37.319 --> 00:28:39.799
<v Speaker 2>word symbolized, Because it's not about the word, it's about

623
00:28:39.839 --> 00:28:42.720
<v Speaker 2>the recognition of you're a part of my day in

624
00:28:42.759 --> 00:28:45.640
<v Speaker 2>my life, and I'm going to say something to acknowledge that.

625
00:28:45.839 --> 00:28:49.079
<v Speaker 2>Early on people will be like, well, that's wildly insecure

626
00:28:49.119 --> 00:28:52.599
<v Speaker 2>of you, probably, but we're in a relationship, so you know,

627
00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:53.960
<v Speaker 2>I got to look at it that way.

628
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:55.519
<v Speaker 1>Does that makes sense?

629
00:28:55.599 --> 00:29:01.279
<v Speaker 3>And doctor, where do you think about differentiation of self

630
00:29:01.559 --> 00:29:02.720
<v Speaker 3>in relationships?

631
00:29:02.759 --> 00:29:05.480
<v Speaker 4>Because sometimes what's the couple, what's the individual.

632
00:29:05.119 --> 00:29:07.519
<v Speaker 3>Exactly that you don't have to do everything together and

633
00:29:07.559 --> 00:29:09.240
<v Speaker 3>if you don't, that doesn't mean something's wrong.

634
00:29:09.319 --> 00:29:11.079
<v Speaker 1>Well, I heard you guys talk about this on a

635
00:29:11.079 --> 00:29:11.720
<v Speaker 1>prior concast.

636
00:29:11.759 --> 00:29:14.000
<v Speaker 2>But a lot of couples who are completely happy and

637
00:29:14.000 --> 00:29:15.880
<v Speaker 2>madly in love just don't sleep in the same bed.

638
00:29:16.200 --> 00:29:17.319
<v Speaker 3>The sleep divorsa.

639
00:29:17.480 --> 00:29:20.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I think you got to sleep in the same bed,

640
00:29:20.359 --> 00:29:22.960
<v Speaker 2>tough it out. But some very happy people are like, listen,

641
00:29:23.000 --> 00:29:24.680
<v Speaker 2>he's not a good sleeper, she's not a good sleeper,

642
00:29:24.720 --> 00:29:26.799
<v Speaker 2>or a different pattern. She kicks me, he snores whatever,

643
00:29:27.240 --> 00:29:30.680
<v Speaker 2>and the other. You know, sixteen hours in the day,

644
00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:32.160
<v Speaker 2>we're not sleeping, we're madly in love.

645
00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:32.839
<v Speaker 1>I don't know.

646
00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:34.759
<v Speaker 2>It's got a good chance to work. As anything else.

647
00:29:35.279 --> 00:29:37.880
<v Speaker 2>Prior generations, a lot of them slept in the same bed,

648
00:29:38.039 --> 00:29:40.920
<v Speaker 2>in different beds, different rooms, different everything, right.

649
00:29:41.160 --> 00:29:42.759
<v Speaker 4>I mean, I have my own opinion about that. I

650
00:29:42.799 --> 00:29:45.799
<v Speaker 4>think what makes what I talked to couples about is Look,

651
00:29:45.880 --> 00:29:50.039
<v Speaker 4>the one thing that makes you guys different from friends

652
00:29:50.039 --> 00:29:51.759
<v Speaker 4>on the street is at your intimate together.

653
00:29:51.960 --> 00:29:52.319
<v Speaker 1>Mm hmm.

654
00:29:52.400 --> 00:29:56.519
<v Speaker 4>You share a bed together, right, so, and never mind

655
00:29:56.519 --> 00:29:57.960
<v Speaker 4>what's going on in the bed, do you share the

656
00:29:58.000 --> 00:30:00.519
<v Speaker 4>bed together? Yeah? So, ending your day in starting your

657
00:30:00.599 --> 00:30:04.319
<v Speaker 4>day with that person's already sets them apart. As you're my.

658
00:30:04.319 --> 00:30:06.839
<v Speaker 2>Special person too, I completely agree with you.

659
00:30:08.200 --> 00:30:09.359
<v Speaker 1>A lot of people are.

660
00:30:09.200 --> 00:30:12.759
<v Speaker 2>Like, well, it's not that important to us, Okay. They

661
00:30:12.799 --> 00:30:15.759
<v Speaker 2>then have to find another way to match the intimacy

662
00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:19.839
<v Speaker 2>of eight hours hopefully a night in a you know,

663
00:30:21.000 --> 00:30:24.279
<v Speaker 2>forty eight inch space together. Whether even if you're not

664
00:30:24.319 --> 00:30:26.960
<v Speaker 2>cuddling or touching or whatever like that matters to me.

665
00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:30.599
<v Speaker 2>That matters, But I don't know.

666
00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.039
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, like if you put it. I think we also

667
00:30:33.160 --> 00:30:36.720
<v Speaker 3>said too, if you make the priority throughout the rest

668
00:30:36.720 --> 00:30:38.559
<v Speaker 3>of the day instead of putting all the weight on

669
00:30:38.680 --> 00:30:40.720
<v Speaker 3>that time in the room because the kids are now

670
00:30:40.759 --> 00:30:43.599
<v Speaker 3>asleep or whatever else is going on, you know, you

671
00:30:43.720 --> 00:30:47.119
<v Speaker 3>finally put the work down and now can turn into

672
00:30:47.160 --> 00:30:50.839
<v Speaker 3>personal life. It may or may not have less weight

673
00:30:50.880 --> 00:30:53.720
<v Speaker 3>that sleeping concept, but again, it all goes for me,

674
00:30:53.960 --> 00:30:57.400
<v Speaker 3>It all goes down to what weight that has on

675
00:30:57.720 --> 00:31:00.720
<v Speaker 3>how much does that mean to their relationship?

676
00:31:01.240 --> 00:31:04.039
<v Speaker 2>Well, you know, I as we record this, we're pretty

677
00:31:04.079 --> 00:31:05.680
<v Speaker 2>close to Valentine's Day and a lot of people ask

678
00:31:05.720 --> 00:31:07.680
<v Speaker 2>my opinion on Valentine's Day, and I'm like, if you

679
00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:09.720
<v Speaker 2>do the other three hundred and sixty four days pretty well,

680
00:31:09.720 --> 00:31:12.640
<v Speaker 2>you probably don't need Valentine's Day, And then people say

681
00:31:12.680 --> 00:31:14.640
<v Speaker 2>to me like, well, no, it's special to get something

682
00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:16.519
<v Speaker 2>on Valentine's Say, I'm like, would you rather get flowers

683
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:18.640
<v Speaker 2>on February fourteenth or August second?

684
00:31:18.759 --> 00:31:21.319
<v Speaker 1>Just because? And I'm like, I just want to.

685
00:31:21.319 --> 00:31:24.000
<v Speaker 2>It's no reason here's the flowers or I'm supposed to

686
00:31:24.039 --> 00:31:24.240
<v Speaker 2>do this.

687
00:31:24.880 --> 00:31:26.000
<v Speaker 1>You know a lot of people don't agree with that.

688
00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:28.720
<v Speaker 2>They're like, you don't understand and the way I could

689
00:31:28.720 --> 00:31:32.279
<v Speaker 2>be wrong and everybody's different, but I'm like, I'd rather

690
00:31:32.359 --> 00:31:34.480
<v Speaker 2>do it because I want to, not because I'm supposed to.

691
00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:37.839
<v Speaker 4>And that's where the communication piece comes in. But you know,

692
00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:40.359
<v Speaker 4>what people forget and what I structure for people is

693
00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:43.759
<v Speaker 4>that there's there's you, there's me, and then there's the

694
00:31:43.839 --> 00:31:47.680
<v Speaker 4>relationship as its own entity. And so we have to

695
00:31:47.839 --> 00:31:50.839
<v Speaker 4>care for that relationship as if it's like that third

696
00:31:50.920 --> 00:31:54.880
<v Speaker 4>person in the relationship. If you're not coming up with

697
00:31:55.039 --> 00:31:59.720
<v Speaker 4>ways to nurture that and grow that, your individual needs

698
00:31:59.720 --> 00:32:01.119
<v Speaker 4>are to pull you guys apart.

699
00:32:01.519 --> 00:32:03.400
<v Speaker 3>And like you said, one of the coolest things you

700
00:32:03.400 --> 00:32:05.519
<v Speaker 3>did say on that episode was the two of your

701
00:32:05.680 --> 00:32:09.680
<v Speaker 3>co CEOs, and that helps to say you're both important,

702
00:32:09.720 --> 00:32:10.759
<v Speaker 3>you both hold weight.

703
00:32:11.079 --> 00:32:13.480
<v Speaker 2>Right and you are you know, go head to the house.

704
00:32:13.519 --> 00:32:17.920
<v Speaker 2>But being able to define the roles again. As we

705
00:32:17.960 --> 00:32:21.119
<v Speaker 2>move into twenty four and beyond, things are a little

706
00:32:21.119 --> 00:32:23.680
<v Speaker 2>more complicated, especially you have two working parents and as

707
00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:26.319
<v Speaker 2>something as simple as like you know, who takes out

708
00:32:26.359 --> 00:32:30.079
<v Speaker 2>the garbage should be him, but you.

709
00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:31.920
<v Speaker 1>Know who to use the dishwasher should be the kids.

710
00:32:32.240 --> 00:32:34.279
<v Speaker 2>You know, there's a lot of things, but these are

711
00:32:34.359 --> 00:32:37.480
<v Speaker 2>discussions that you have to. You know, there are still

712
00:32:37.519 --> 00:32:40.400
<v Speaker 2>a lot of women today and not to judge relationships,

713
00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:43.200
<v Speaker 2>who get an allowance and then they're like, I don't

714
00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:45.279
<v Speaker 2>have access to the money. How do I even get divorced?

715
00:32:45.279 --> 00:32:47.200
<v Speaker 2>How do I even go seek help? How do I

716
00:32:47.240 --> 00:32:49.119
<v Speaker 2>even do anything with my two hundred dollars a week?

717
00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:51.440
<v Speaker 2>You know that's disturbing.

718
00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:53.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but it's still a thing.

719
00:32:54.319 --> 00:32:57.359
<v Speaker 2>And I think if you established trust early on and

720
00:32:57.480 --> 00:33:00.279
<v Speaker 2>communicate and then like this is important to me, you

721
00:33:00.279 --> 00:33:03.799
<v Speaker 2>brought the prenup earlier, Like I would never make somebody

722
00:33:04.160 --> 00:33:05.519
<v Speaker 2>easy for me to say I don't have one hundred

723
00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:07.839
<v Speaker 2>million dollars, but sign up because I'm like, this is

724
00:33:07.880 --> 00:33:10.519
<v Speaker 2>part of the gamble. I want to know that you

725
00:33:10.559 --> 00:33:13.599
<v Speaker 2>to know that I'm all in and if this doesn't work,

726
00:33:13.880 --> 00:33:15.119
<v Speaker 2>I crap out and this lose.

727
00:33:15.200 --> 00:33:17.240
<v Speaker 1>Is that important? Again, I don't know a hundred million

728
00:33:17.279 --> 00:33:18.279
<v Speaker 1>dollars and a bunch of lawyers.

729
00:33:18.440 --> 00:33:23.519
<v Speaker 3>So No, it's true, like you're saying, there's financial stressors,

730
00:33:24.279 --> 00:33:28.079
<v Speaker 3>kid stressors, work stressors, ime stressors, to time. There's not

731
00:33:28.200 --> 00:33:31.000
<v Speaker 3>enough time, like we said actually in our recording earlier,

732
00:33:31.039 --> 00:33:34.640
<v Speaker 3>and you're trying to manage all of that. In life,

733
00:33:34.680 --> 00:33:38.480
<v Speaker 3>it's just hard. It's hard, and shit happens all the time,

734
00:33:38.759 --> 00:33:40.599
<v Speaker 3>you know, Like I say, life is a four letter

735
00:33:40.640 --> 00:33:43.160
<v Speaker 3>word and it's just hard.

736
00:33:43.960 --> 00:33:47.440
<v Speaker 2>So the number one piece of advice or the thing

737
00:33:47.480 --> 00:33:49.880
<v Speaker 2>you say most commonly to people who come see you,

738
00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:52.039
<v Speaker 2>is there one thing that you're like almost everybody I

739
00:33:52.079 --> 00:33:54.400
<v Speaker 2>have to tell them to remember to do this.

740
00:33:54.920 --> 00:33:56.599
<v Speaker 1>Is there one thing? Or is that too vague?

741
00:33:56.880 --> 00:33:58.839
<v Speaker 3>No, I'm going to let doctor lor go first because

742
00:33:58.880 --> 00:34:00.000
<v Speaker 3>she's the expert in this stuff.

743
00:34:00.480 --> 00:34:04.440
<v Speaker 4>Complacency, don't get complacent. Don't get complacent. As soon as

744
00:34:04.480 --> 00:34:06.920
<v Speaker 4>you guys take advantage of each other, it's over.

745
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:09.480
<v Speaker 2>And how do you identify complacency?

746
00:34:09.519 --> 00:34:11.760
<v Speaker 4>How do you Complacency is when you're not putting in

747
00:34:11.800 --> 00:34:14.519
<v Speaker 4>the effort, when you are making the assumption that things

748
00:34:14.559 --> 00:34:17.280
<v Speaker 4>are just going to roll along as they always do

749
00:34:17.920 --> 00:34:21.159
<v Speaker 4>without making the effort to show your partner that they

750
00:34:21.199 --> 00:34:23.679
<v Speaker 4>are special to you. They hold a different role than

751
00:34:23.960 --> 00:34:25.719
<v Speaker 4>just the average Joe in Starbucks.

752
00:34:25.719 --> 00:34:27.320
<v Speaker 2>So you have to take a regular sort of temperature

753
00:34:27.320 --> 00:34:28.639
<v Speaker 2>of yourself like this is.

754
00:34:29.199 --> 00:34:32.599
<v Speaker 4>Absolutely, absolutely, that's good. And stop with the tit for tat,

755
00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:34.239
<v Speaker 4>stop keeping school.

756
00:34:34.320 --> 00:34:35.280
<v Speaker 1>Well you do that work.

757
00:34:35.719 --> 00:34:36.920
<v Speaker 2>I know it'll never work.

758
00:34:38.159 --> 00:34:42.880
<v Speaker 3>I would say, just throw out the expectations that other

759
00:34:43.039 --> 00:34:46.639
<v Speaker 3>people put on your relationship. It's your life. Live it

760
00:34:46.639 --> 00:34:50.519
<v Speaker 3>according to your and your partner's terms, because anything works

761
00:34:50.960 --> 00:34:53.719
<v Speaker 3>these days. And that's the other thing I say too,

762
00:34:53.840 --> 00:34:57.840
<v Speaker 3>is great, fantastic. We hopefully you do have friends that

763
00:34:57.880 --> 00:35:00.360
<v Speaker 3>you can share all the trials and tribulation of your

764
00:35:00.400 --> 00:35:03.679
<v Speaker 3>relationships with. At the same time, you're the one that,

765
00:35:03.760 --> 00:35:06.599
<v Speaker 3>again that's living in that house. You have to decide

766
00:35:06.599 --> 00:35:08.000
<v Speaker 3>what's going to work for you and what's not going

767
00:35:08.039 --> 00:35:09.480
<v Speaker 3>to work for you, because you're always going to find

768
00:35:09.519 --> 00:35:12.239
<v Speaker 3>someone that's going to judge it. That's just the way

769
00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:14.920
<v Speaker 3>the world is, where we can be very judgy about

770
00:35:14.920 --> 00:35:19.440
<v Speaker 3>what we think. This couple's happy, that couple is married.

771
00:35:20.280 --> 00:35:22.679
<v Speaker 3>I've also known people who live according to their own

772
00:35:22.760 --> 00:35:26.119
<v Speaker 3>labels too, meaning you could use the term married and

773
00:35:26.159 --> 00:35:29.599
<v Speaker 3>not legally be married. It's a mentality. It's not just

774
00:35:29.639 --> 00:35:32.320
<v Speaker 3>a legal thing. It's a mentality thing too. And if

775
00:35:32.360 --> 00:35:34.480
<v Speaker 3>you and your partner are okay with that, go with it.

776
00:35:34.920 --> 00:35:35.679
<v Speaker 1>That's a good point.

777
00:35:35.880 --> 00:35:39.159
<v Speaker 2>All right, you're married, you are dating. So we play

778
00:35:39.199 --> 00:35:42.360
<v Speaker 2>something called worst date or first date. So you have

779
00:35:42.400 --> 00:35:43.840
<v Speaker 2>to either give us and this could go back to

780
00:35:43.840 --> 00:35:45.639
<v Speaker 2>the old days. To go back to now, either the

781
00:35:45.639 --> 00:35:48.679
<v Speaker 2>worst date you've ever had or the best first date

782
00:35:48.719 --> 00:35:49.360
<v Speaker 2>you've ever had.

783
00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:53.760
<v Speaker 4>Your choice, Oh god, I have to do the worst person.

784
00:35:55.000 --> 00:35:57.960
<v Speaker 3>That was the funner one, probable because there's.

785
00:35:57.840 --> 00:36:01.440
<v Speaker 4>So many of them. There's a book coming out about it.

786
00:36:01.559 --> 00:36:03.320
<v Speaker 4>My mother keeps saying, I need to write a book

787
00:36:03.320 --> 00:36:09.880
<v Speaker 4>about this. Probably going out on a date with someone

788
00:36:10.159 --> 00:36:12.559
<v Speaker 4>and him letting me know that he was using the

789
00:36:12.679 --> 00:36:15.119
<v Speaker 4>date as a way to find out whether he was

790
00:36:15.159 --> 00:36:16.280
<v Speaker 4>really bisexual or not.

791
00:36:16.960 --> 00:36:20.159
<v Speaker 2>Oh no, like he wanted professional help he knew what

792
00:36:20.199 --> 00:36:22.119
<v Speaker 2>you did, or he wanted to know if he was attracted.

793
00:36:22.159 --> 00:36:25.079
<v Speaker 4>He wanted both a little bit of both.

794
00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:27.599
<v Speaker 2>Like, okay, pressure on a girl, it's a lot of pressure.

795
00:36:28.760 --> 00:36:32.320
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, look at Christy, she's like, holy hell, how would

796
00:36:32.320 --> 00:36:33.000
<v Speaker 4>not handle that?

797
00:36:33.840 --> 00:36:34.679
<v Speaker 3>No, it didn't look.

798
00:36:35.119 --> 00:36:37.519
<v Speaker 1>Oh, I've never heard We've asked this hundreds of times.

799
00:36:37.559 --> 00:36:38.360
<v Speaker 1>I've never heard that.

800
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:39.760
<v Speaker 4>Wow, that's that's a show stopped.

801
00:36:39.880 --> 00:36:42.719
<v Speaker 2>And what was the and well, what was the outcome?

802
00:36:43.519 --> 00:36:43.719
<v Speaker 3>Uh?

803
00:36:43.760 --> 00:36:46.519
<v Speaker 4>The outcome was that he was bisexual, but not with me.

804
00:36:49.199 --> 00:36:49.679
<v Speaker 4>Not with me?

805
00:36:50.320 --> 00:36:51.440
<v Speaker 3>Oh wow, you're the best?

806
00:36:51.960 --> 00:36:54.480
<v Speaker 1>Do you want to play? It's been too long since

807
00:36:54.480 --> 00:36:56.159
<v Speaker 1>id It's the only.

808
00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:58.840
<v Speaker 3>Thing I'm going to share is a funny story that uh,

809
00:36:59.159 --> 00:37:03.239
<v Speaker 3>one of a client said a long time ago about

810
00:37:03.280 --> 00:37:07.239
<v Speaker 3>the fact that you know, went on a date, went

811
00:37:07.280 --> 00:37:11.519
<v Speaker 3>back to the house. He came in. She immediately said,

812
00:37:11.559 --> 00:37:13.039
<v Speaker 3>are you guys going to take care? Are you going

813
00:37:13.119 --> 00:37:15.199
<v Speaker 3>to take care of us? Meeting me and the meeting

814
00:37:15.239 --> 00:37:17.599
<v Speaker 3>her and the dogs. And he was just like, okay,

815
00:37:18.239 --> 00:37:20.639
<v Speaker 3>time to go. Yep, time to go. So that might

816
00:37:20.639 --> 00:37:23.800
<v Speaker 3>not have been a successful date. You don't Maybe everybody

817
00:37:23.880 --> 00:37:27.840
<v Speaker 3>just take your time, get you know, all right, it's okay.

818
00:37:28.320 --> 00:37:29.000
<v Speaker 4>Breathe a little bit.

819
00:37:29.360 --> 00:37:29.840
<v Speaker 1>This was fun.

820
00:37:29.880 --> 00:37:32.639
<v Speaker 2>I feel saner and smarter. Tell everybody where they can

821
00:37:32.679 --> 00:37:33.920
<v Speaker 2>find you and your podcast.

822
00:37:34.599 --> 00:37:38.679
<v Speaker 4>All right, so we are the slightly same podcast on Apple, Spotify,

823
00:37:38.719 --> 00:37:42.159
<v Speaker 4>wherever you download your podcast. We are on YouTube. Get

824
00:37:42.159 --> 00:37:45.960
<v Speaker 4>all the visual of doctor Christy cracking up.

825
00:37:46.760 --> 00:37:48.960
<v Speaker 3>I can't hold it together on sh it's really funny.

826
00:37:48.960 --> 00:37:51.239
<v Speaker 4>So we are on YouTube and please email us at

827
00:37:51.320 --> 00:37:56.000
<v Speaker 4>Slightly Same Podcast at gmail dot com for questions, comments,

828
00:37:56.079 --> 00:37:57.559
<v Speaker 4>and overall good wishes.

829
00:37:58.199 --> 00:38:00.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah good, You guys are awesome as far as us

830
00:38:01.400 --> 00:38:05.440
<v Speaker 2>as always, please like, share, follow, and review this podcast

831
00:38:05.519 --> 00:38:09.239
<v Speaker 2>and review the Slightly Sane Podcast all this time later.

832
00:38:09.280 --> 00:38:12.159
<v Speaker 2>Your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot

833
00:38:12.239 --> 00:38:14.519
<v Speaker 2>us an email Great Loovedebate at gmail dot com for

834
00:38:14.679 --> 00:38:18.280
<v Speaker 2>question thoughts, concerns, breakup stories, or things you want me

835
00:38:18.360 --> 00:38:22.000
<v Speaker 2>to pass along to the good doctors because, as always

836
00:38:22.480 --> 00:38:25.920
<v Speaker 2>at the Great Love Debate, we never stop making love.

837
00:38:25.960 --> 00:38:34.239
<v Speaker 1>See you next time The Great Love Debate. It's a

838
00:38:34.360 --> 00:38:35.679
<v Speaker 1>Great Love debate.

839
00:38:36.679 --> 00:38:38.159
<v Speaker 2>De Great Love Debate.

840
00:38:39.079 --> 00:38:40.639
<v Speaker 3>It's a Great Love Debate.