Speaker 1: This is an Unspoiled Network podcast. This is spoil Me
covering Dungeon Crawler Carl Book eight, a Parade of Horribles,
chapters thirty one through thirty five. In these chapters, I
don't know how this dude keeps making me like really
touched and happy and then really sad and anxious, Like
it's just I'm getting whiplash over here. Man, It's not
from the racing lol. Welcome to spoil Me. Welcome to
the show everyone. I am Natasha. Thank you very much
to Michael for commissioning this episode, and Michael is here
in the chat today. Appreciate you being here, sir. I
you guys. I was trying to explain to a friend
of mine the fact that this series has gotten so
popular has predictably resulted in some folks who like, you know,
kind of wait until they hear enough about a thing
deciding like, oh, maybe it's time to pick this series up,
and then people who have like never heard of it
being suddenly interested. And the deal that got made with
Peacock has been drawing a lot of attention, and thus
I've been drawn into a few conversations about like what
the style of writing is and some people who just
really were not fans of the tone, which I really
do understand. It is this sort of thing that opens
chapter thirty one, though, that really makes me like push
back on when folks say that the writing is really juvenile.
The fact that people say it's juvenile isn't surprising or inaccurate.
I just want to like really be clear on the
fact that the edge lordy tone of a lot of
stuff being something that puts folks off is understandable. But
I really want to emphasize these sorts of moments that
I feel hit all the harder because of where they're
placed in the story, and there they are just these
much needed moments of like we even in the worst
of things, there can be some good, not necessarily saying
that we should like credit the horrible thing that's been
done or that has happened with you know, oh, this
thing like that was awful was actually worth it because
it did such and such. It is a circumstantial thing,
but it is true and there is a nuance to
that that is difficult sometimes. And the way that this
opens is so layered and interesting to me. So we
start off with Luca d Crawler Number ten million, two
hundred and eighty four four hundred and seventy one pasta
Mancer class, which is like a really great we're gonna
have this extremely heartfelt, touching entry, but we're also gonna
have it be that he's a postime answer, which is insane.
So that's delightful. Saraphim says, quote is popular. That means
it has to be low brow slop. If the plebeian
sheeple are all buying about it, I'll be honest, that's
not really the tone people have been engaging in good
faith conversations mostly, And like I said at the beginning
of covering the first book, the edge Lord humor put
me off initially as well. I would have continued on
even if it weren't for the show, and I think
by the end of the first book I would have
been hooked enough to keep reading. But I really wouldn't
fault people for not really like seeing past that right away,
because I feel like, you know, taking things that face
value is sometimes a valid take. I will say that,
like I had a different reaction and as you all know,
to the Hispanic woman order, like this was something that
I felt was like a really grotesque moment on purpose
that was like underscored is cruel and mean spirited on purpose,
and a lot of people felt that it was cruel
and mean spirited by the writer. And I don't agree
with that take, but I could. I can't really like
be mad about it, because everything is going to hit
you differently, and for me, things hit me differently at
different times, depending on even the fucking mood I'm in.
So I was willing to extend some grace on that
based on the context of some other things in the book.
But not everybody is analyzing things at the level that
I'm analyzing as I go along, and so they're letting
stuff wash over them, and some of the details of
the context are inevitably going to be overlooked or lost
because you're plowing through, you know. Michael says, to be fair,
du'e Carl or Carl does lean into a lot of
the low brow humor. It just is much more than that, agreed.
I think that it's the low brow humor is like
the entry point for a lot of folks who are
looking for something like simple and funny, and then he
has used that as the sugar for the rest of
the medicine, which is capitalism is garbage and we are
all part of a machine. So anyway, this entry is
it says from Donuts a banquet fit for a princess. Guys,
remind me because like later Carl mentions this by name.
But I thought all of this was like in their
book of Voodoo. Is that thing titled like a does
it have its own title? Michael says, that's the book
with all the donated spells. The books split into two
for each of them, says Saraphem. Michael says, there are
three different books, one for Donut, one for Carl, one
for everyone. Oh okay, I didn't know that they had
all gotten like separate titles, And I'm really curious what
Carl's is titled. So we get this story from Luca
about him having a really difficult relationship with his mother
growing up, and she eventually began to suffer from dementia
and was put into a home. But he felt guilty
enough to like go and check on her and seek
her out despite their bad relationship, And while there he
had like wheeled her out of the building. I don't
know if it was to take a walk or you
know what it was that happened. He and she are
outside when the building gets flattened, and so they wind
up going into the dungeon together. And you know the
way that choosing races works means that sometimes you can
fix the thing that's bothering you that is like breaking
down in your body. So she is able to choose
a race that actually like undoes the damage and restores
her mind and memory. And this leads to him and
her having like a breakthrough where they are actually able
to fully communicate in a way that feels really like
it was satisfying and thorough and meaningful. And this is
just so lovely. It's not that necessarily everything is totally
cool or anything, but she's able to explain why she
was the way that she was with her son. He
explains to her the things that she did and said
that really hurt him, and he says that, you know,
I really cherish those last days with her because there
is no way that I would have been able to
have this. And you guys saved our lives and made
it possible for me to connect with her in this way.
And it is just so sweet, and it wraps up
with like you saved me, and by saving me, you
also saved the memory of my mother and all those
I have loved, And for that, I love you, Princess Donut,
even though you don't know me. I love you with
all that I have. Keep up the good fight, and
should you fall, I want you to. I know you
will never be forgotten. And the spell that she gets
is temporary Macaroni at level fourteen, which we actually get
to see her cast, and she chooses this uncooked Cantaloni cattle. Well,
I can't even remember what it is. Cantiloni I think
are like big shells, so that probably is not correct,
but uh, you know, I don't know. Maybe. So we
jump from there into the race gluteous high as fuck.
Later actually overdoses and we wind up having an emergency situation.
Now I know I'm jumping ahead a bit, but oh well,
I will have to point out that my brain, oh
my brain, I did not remember the rules correctly here.
So when Carl reaches out and grabs the steering wheel
after Gluotius passes out, I really thought that they were
about to like be in trouble. I didn't remember that
it's nobody else can touch the steering wheel. It is
that different people have to race and if you touch
it next race, you aren't like an option to drive,
which it does give a little bit more leeway, it's
still tough obviously in situations like this. Gluteus really fucked
them in a way here, like he later on we
see him and he's like recovering from his overdose and
looks quite embarrassed, sir, you know, like, why did you
have to? Why did you? But what's done is done,
And we also, finally, like the show, skulls that are
attacking are coming at this pace that later on we
find out Doughnut killed over ten thousand of them, which
makes her pretty irritated that she didn't level up at all.
I when you say you killed over ten thousand and
didn't level up, it does sound bonkers, But I just
think that she's probably leveled up to such a degree
that something this low level barely fucking like makes a dent,
you know what I'm saying. So this is when a
song starts playing some halloween sounding techno heavy metal songs
started to blast. I definitely heard it before, but I
couldn't remember the title. It was a car racing song
about witches and ditches. If this is something that anybody
is aware of the title of the song, feel free
to share. It won't mean anything to me, you know.
It's the sort of thing that maybe if I heard it,
I might know, but I'd never know song titles, and
I never know artists names. I'm really not good with that.
But uh yeah, it's a a like really it's appropriate
to the situation. But later Carl is very adamant that
music is not going to be a thing again because
it's distracting and difficult to communicate and really frustrating. I
love that Dona is just like, where is the music
even coming from? Where are the speakers? We also have
to bring the ghouls into play here and use them
to get rid of as many of these things as possible,
and they are described as doing an admirable job, but
they still get overwhelmed. It's just there's fucking too many
of them for just the two of them. And really,
these NPCs that are like brought into this race, the
ones that are in the race we know seem to
be like awakened, but I can't tell if the ones
that are conscripted from Hungry Eyes hungry, I don't know
if they are awakened. Do they know what they are
and are they If they are, and they get hired
by somebody that wins, are they going to get let out?
Will that work? Will that apply to them? Probably not.
I have to assume that, like the deal the AI makes,
is solely working for the teams that are that it
makes that agreement with. So let's say I'm trying to
find the bit here above the rockets cork screwed down
toward the distant unicorn. A new shield appeared about them,
this one glowing purple. The denial of service missiles weren't
meant to kill. Each impact caused a chemical reaction that
triggered a thick mucous membrane to form over a wide area.
In this case, the three missiles utterly covered the round
shield with a thick goo, making it so they couldn't
see they were now encased in the green slime. They
could turn off the shield, but the sledge would just
fall upon them and get stuck in the vines, which
Mordecai insisted would slow them to a crawl. And that
later on basically assures that these two are their mortal enemies,
which I can't help but understand. I mean, we know
that it's not that we wanted you guys to die,
We just want to slow you down. Well, whether you
wanted us to die or not, we still might have
and we also want to fucking win, So fuck you.
You know, I can't blame them. I yanked the chain,
raising the ghoul into the air. It would have to
open the cage all the way and climb to the
roof of the truck. There he'd move forward to deal
with the enemies coming from the front, but it would
take them a few moments to get in place. And
the way that this all goes down is just pure chaos.
I keep trying to make myself slow down when I
am listening to the audio book. There's a tendency when
I get into like a really intense action sequence, I
have a tendency to sort of let it wash over
me and really lose track of where everybody is and
have no serious mental picture of exactly what's going on.
And honestly, a lot of the time that's fine, but
there are moments in this I think, where it really
helps to understand what's going on if I am able
to keep everything in my mind straight. Because you can
get in the weeds due to all of the factors.
You know, let's see Donut lean forward and cast her
level fifteen wall of fire, which had been powered up
to level sixteen. Whoa shit, I shouted as the wall appeared,
running parallel with the side of the truck. There was
a good thirty feet between us and the flames, but
it still felt like we were way too close. I
glalked as the wall rapidly raced ahead, reaching far into
the distance. The flames went straight up, easily one hundred
feet into the air. The line had to be a
mile long, to which Gluteus screams heavy fucking metal, which,
honestly that's valid. Yeah, one hundred foot high wall that
goes for like over a mile. I mean, that's insane.
But so anyway, that's when she says, I killed over
ten thousand and I didn't even go up a level.
A giant beetle thing shows up, like he sees at
the bottom of the hill. This is the skull of
tam who, up until a few days ago resided with
within the nothing. We borrowed different parts of his corpse
for different races because he was really badass looking. It's
too bad your friend Odette wasted him. The moment he appeared,
but alas waste not want not still you might want
to take a note of the size of this thing.
He has friends who are still alive, and the skull
indicates that it is the height of a three story building,
which is bonkers. I mean, I don't even you know anyway,
do you ever have moments where something is described to
you in a scale that you're just sort of like,
I can't even really picture that there's Rashaan and I
were talking about this recently on the Dress and Files
episode that we recorded yesterday, on the short story Monster,
and there is a point where there's a Bengal tiger
that shows up, and she and I got to talking
about how there are some animals that are so enormous
that it's like, you know, we don't really have a
frame of reference. And I shared with her a picture
of some wild bore and just like I had not
understood just how fucking huge they get. And this sort
of thing can be difficult for my brain to fully
process as well. I was thinking the other day as well,
because of it being like the what thirtieth anniversary maybe
of the drop of Independence Day the Will Smith movie,
there's a moment in that where the camera like kind
of focuses abruptly and you're able to get a sense
of how big the spaceship hovering over an area is.
And it's a really like beautiful bit of effects where
the size of it just makes you go oh shit
for a second. Even now in twenty twenty six, that
is a moment that every time it happens, I'm just like, God, damn,
they really nailed that moment. Man, I made my fucking
mouth drop open. Folks in the chat are saying the
song is rob Zombie Dragula. I am loving that. Saraphim's
autocorrect put Robin Zombie. That is really funny. And let's see,
I'm trying to find this bit here. This is the
update that he gets from Joshua. We're almost through the chop.
The shield is keeping the fuckers back. You got the
dominators on your ass and we're right behind. Geomi says,
We're in trouble. We can't see they're everywhere. Your missiles
detonated too early over the fine pigs and goo went
all over the place, including over Onnika Kuma. I do
not know where the jugglers are, but they are back
with us. I think maybe behind us the road is
too steep for Ony. He keeps stumbling. I'm telling you,
I know that she can go wrong with a mechanical
mount but I just that makes me sad to hear
it makes me worried for its well being and health.
I can't handle that kind of stress on top of everything.
I just absolutely no question. Mechanical do not at me.
So Wave three is commencing and they come up through
the road, which Glutius is like, get ready for some crunchy,
lumpy speed bumps. We lurched again, gaining air before crashing
down as the colorful skulls started exploding all around us.
They weren't just falling from the sky. It was like
they were being shot downward out of a cannon. None
seemed to actually survive the fall, instead exploding like hey,
all around us, and we lose both of the Ghoul
mercenaries as I previously had mentioned. And this is when
he calls out, we're going too fast. We need to
slow down, Donut Macaroni, And this is when we get
the uh where is it? Donut could choose the size, shape,
and direction of the giant tube of pasta. She chose
uncooked dried canneloni. It is canneloni. Oh my god, I
guess that makes sense. I was saying that they would
be too big and ungainly, because I'm thinking that you
want something that's like more a bullet size. But so
for those who are unfamiliar, canneloni are about the size
of like a trying to think of a good frame
of reference here, they're about the size of like a
Christmas cracker, you know, the things that you pull both ends,
just a tube in the middle. I guess, like sort
of a toilet paper tube size. Actually it's like fair.
They're hollow, round tubes, but they are quite wide so
that they can be stuffed and then putting, you know,
put into a casserole dish covered in sauce and baked
usually so uh, I was thinking that that was going
to be like an ungainly size that would catch too
much air because it's so hollow and light. But I'm
not accommodating the overall like probably the way that the
spell would account for exactly that sort of thing and
adjust to make it as efficient as possible. And then
he says, here, uh, the pasta was at least a
foot thick, making it pretty strong. I don't understand how
that's possible. It's a cantaloni that's a foot thick, So
it's a giant round like with a tiny hole in
the center in comparison. Is that right? I'm trying. I
can't quite picture this. We bumped heavily into the tube ahead.
Another tunnel appeared, then another, So how it like there
big enough to go into? This was you see what
I'm saying, Guys with like uh? Anyway, there was space
between each giant tube and in those brakes the sugar
hermits surged. A skull was suddenly in the cab, having
come through the missing windshield. It exploded, but when I
pulled my fist back, the purple thing living inside the
skull was still attached to the gauntlet, which is horrifying.
There comes a point where he tries to message Yasha
and he gets you can't message deceased NPCs. The Wild
Hunt had been eliminated due to the death of all
team members, and we find out later that Yasha was
already in talks with somebody to try and kill all
of them. That's pretty understandable. I mean, everybody's going to
be on their business. You know, I keep saying Yasha,
but I'm thinking that it's Josha. It's looking it's difficult
to tell with this font. And Giome, I think, is
the one that was actually in charge, right, So she's
the one that was like at the front of trying
to make sure that somebody else would kill them. Also,
his scavenger's daughter gets activated here, which I got really
worried about because he's forgotten to fuck with it before
and like, get it out. He does not forget it's done,
thank god. But I definitely had a moment of this
fucking thing because it's like, see if they're you know,
it's a game changer. It definitely is. But my god,
at what cost? That's like, literally, that could be the
tagline for this entire series is just at what cost?
And this is when Donut gets like a face hugger
essentially on her. Before anyone could react, multiple arms appeared
from the car seat and violently ripped the thing off her.
The skull and creature within were torn to shreds. Carl,
I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna need a little bit
of an apology from you to your viewers who voted
on an incredibly dope fucking upgrade. Actually, like I really
just this is ideal, and I do not understand why
you don't see it, but that is remarkable. And the
multifunctional quality of this is like a dream and also
completely ideal, wet dream advertising for this actual product that
you could buy in that universe. I can't imagine the
people who produce this seeing it at work. They must
be so ecstatic because it is. It's gotta be flying
off the shelves right like, my goodness, so let's see.
This is when he activates Daughter's kiss because he's holding
onto the steering wheel. Now the gluteus has passed out.
I tensed, intent on ramming the kaiju skull with my
giant feet. Fuck you, came a new shout just as
we were about to make contact. The shout was so
loud I could hear it over the roar of the engines.
It was Dwight the unicorn zooming up from our left,
a giant cannon hanging out the side of their speeding,
slime covered vine. I ripped the steering wheel to the
left just as they fired. The food truck flipped as
the cannon blast tore through the side causing the tail
and to whip up to the right. As we spun
like a badly tossed football. My feet came in contact
with the kaiju skull, which exploded as we rapidly spun,
continuing to rise in the air as our back end
clipped against the GGO, which had also been hit. Then
the front of the rapidly deteriorating food truck also hit
the vine, which likewise flew up into the air. I
let go of the steering wheel as the truck spun
over my head. All three of the dominators were thrown
from their vehicle as they passed over the finish line,
and his kangaroo skin gets flayed off. He breaks like
all major bones basically, and reflects on the feet that,
like any crash like that in the real world, every single,
solitary one of them would be dead, no question. The
vine had tumbled to a stop near me and it
was on fire. My kangaroo feet were literally on fire.
Both my arms were broken, both my legs were broken.
Things inside me were crushed. I took a fine healing potion,
waited a second, then took another, and it is rough.
Carl is just I would like an inventory of just
how many times he has had certain bones broken, you know,
just out of curiosity. Quirky lay in a heap. There
was a tear in his suit and some guts oozed out,
but he was still alive. Rapture was standing over Genesis,
who was folded over herself in an unnatural pose. She
administered a healing potion to her partner, which fixes her. Unfortunately,
I really don't like them, and I would like them
to be out of it, but you know, what can
you do? And this is this is when we get.
That's what you get. That's what you get. Dwight shouted,
and just we're gonna shoot you motherfuckers fucking dead. That
just the shit talk is it's it really doesn't feel
like shit talk when you reach this kind of level,
you know what I'm saying. Our truck was literally spread
all over the road. I don't even know what place
we came, and we all crossed the finish line at
the same time. I turned to watch the Unicorn team
enter the garage with a big two painted on the door.
And it turns out our people came in first place.
Two teams were eliminated. There's nobody in sixth place, and
a new team will be assigned soon, and Carl's like,
I really hope it's in PC's but I have a
feeling that's not gonna be. Like, the likelihood of that
not great. Sorry. Oh, Seraphim says, she can choose the
size and cranked it up to eleven. I forgot that
it mentioned that she could choose the size. I didn't
think that it was even like a possibility for it,
you know what I'm saying. Oh, and Michael says, can
we take that chair out of the food truck and
mount it to Mongo somehow? That's a really fantastic idea, Michael, obviously,
only if it can be mounted to Mango in a
way that is comfortable for him. Absolutely, of course, Seraphim says,
because Carl's a control freak who assumes anyone outside the
dungeon is an asshole just looking to fuck them over. Yeah,
I really want him to take a moment and think
about this and realize that he needs to have a
little bit more faith in the people out there and
that they maybe maybe there's plenty of trolls and people
who like are not rooting for him in a real way,
but perhaps he hasn't been giving enough credit or alternatively,
the tone has simply changed as the game has really
shifted into something else. There's all kinds of reasons why,
but what it comes down to fundamentally is that I
want him to have more faith that other people have
his back, and at the very least want to keep
Donut alive. You know, the AI said that there are
too many crawlers left in one of its announcements, so yeah,
chances aren't great. It won't be another crawler team. Yeah.
The way that the AI was just like, I have
this idea and there's way too fucking many of you.
It was a really dire pronouncement. Cordelia says, I would
have called the Noodle Spell Olive Garden because the postabilities
are endless. Cordelia, I'm going to fucking boot you. I'm
going to ban you from all lives. I hate you.
Oh my god, that was very good. That was very good, Cordelia. Anyway,
So Michael says, I literally also use the word literally
too often. Looking at my previous two posts, Michael Lisson,
it is wild when you are editing your own podcast
to realize how many times do you use the same
turner phrase the like vocal tics that you have, and
even when you're aware of them, it's not really like
you can control them. So I say, you know what
I mean. I mean, if you were playing a game
where you took a shot, you would be absolutely fucking
shit faced by the end of an episode. It's excessive.
Dong says that he's going to be the one to
drive next race, which, uh, when Carl says we'll talk
about it, He's like, what even is there to discuss?
And they turn and notice that the mounts from the
two teams that died the Mounts are actually still alive,
and Dona asks where do they go because they like
cross back over the finish line and disappear, and Carl
says it doesn't matter, not here, And I'm like, do
they go into that cold because it sounds like everybody
who isn't like out is in a dark, cold place
where they are starved, which sounds fucking awful. Anyway, Doctor
Metcalf is being a huge bitch and complaining about how
she's in so many pieces and donuts like at least
be one. The GPS took on a mocking tone, and
thethy one donut huffed indignantly. You really must make an
effort to be nicer to the team. We're doing our
best anyway. The GPS unit beeped. I hate her. I
hate her so much. The fact that she hates that
chair for donut is really interesting too. I find it. Obviously,
it is very funny and it adds like a certain
wrinkle to things. But I also just want to know why,
you know, And I have to assume that it's like
the seat is replacing the function of a regular seat
in the vehicle, and maybe it's like you're infringing on
my territory or something. I don't know, but uh, yeah,
they have a beef. Well, it seems pretty one sided.
I don't know if the chair has a beef with
the with doctor Dorona or doctor Metcalf, sorry Dorona's from
Forecos again, or perhaps well, I will say that the
one time doctor Metcalf was like, she said something shitty
about donut. The the chair says something like your enemies
will be green with envy, and then doctor Metcalf says something,
and Derooda says, see just like I said, which could
imply that the beef is mutual, but also could simply
be circumstantial. I don't know. We find out that the
next heat is going to be in seven hours, which
is like much shorter, and it seems like we're getting
a smaller and smaller break between each of the races.
Don't like that. I at the same time, between times,
what we're getting some downtime that isn't necessarily like. What
I want to say is the gremlins are the ones
who prepare the food truck. You choose one of the
upgrades that gets put into place by somebody else, so
you're not in charge of that. The main thing that
you've got to do between is find mercenaries, right so
that will agree to drive or ride with you, and
maybe like brainstorm about some things you could do with
your spells regarding the upcoming terrain and whatnot. What I
mean is that there isn't a lot fit that you
need that time for to get through the races. It's
just the races are dangerous and exhausting, which fair, But
there there's a sense of having more of a break
on this floor between urgent moments of violence than usual.
Probably this is an illusion, you know, but I don't know.
I feel like it's sort of welcome. We also have
like beds that are able to revitalize you as if
you had a full night sleep within like twenty minutes,
you know. Or maybe they have the ones that you
just walk across now I don't remember. So let's see.
Immani and Ellie had come in second place, but they
lost another two teams, including the one crawler team that
had joined them this race. Flora and Lucia had come
in first, but they had lost three teams. Prepotenti and
Jurgen had also won and they hadn't lost any Chris's
Big Brig had come in third place. Louis, Brittany and
Batista had survived, but they were the last of the
survivors again, meaning they'd get an audience vote. Their replacement
team had been another group of NPCs, and they'd taken
them out right at the beginning. Louis team was in
trouble as they still didn't have proper tires. That worries me. Listen,
we just bottomed out on the way to the car
the dog park again, and I just I hate the
thought of that with especially these fucking skulls, Like if
they get jammed under a lowrider and they could just
bring you to a complete hult like a sedan in
the snow, you know, like yeah, no row, real bad.
Everyone's races were all different the next race, so it
sounded like Imani and Eli's team would be on the
same track as us, which worried me. We do get
a description eventually about what the next race is going
to be like, and I believe there's a mention of
like acid rain here it is uh. Note there will
be a single mandatory refueling pit stop along this route.
Pitstop will be within the lost jungle city of Upano.
Real interested, extremely curious. This is ninety nine kilometers by
the way, This upcoming one track the you're gonna die
if you go in here jungle trail of tremendous cannibalistic slaughter.
Oh man. There are a variety of surfaces, none paved,
at least not with asphalt. Don't like the sound of that.
Tasks required to complete certain paths have a unique task
special rules. Your vehicle will have a special containment unit
surrounding you for this race. More info on that coming.
You will also share this track with three other heats.
Special rules regarding this will be announced soon. Environment it'll
be a jungle filled with horrifying traps and monsters and
vaguely racist and definitely over exaggerated themes based on grindhouse
and exploitation cinema, but with racing added to the mix,
they'll be acid rain too, hazards. The whole damn track
is a hazard time limit twenty hours, So I guess
when you point out that this is going to be
a twenty hour race, the breaks getting shorter between does
suck because this race didn't take remotely as long, you know,
So what is it paved with? What's it paved with?
Human skulls, femur bones? Like right, it's cannibalistic, I have
to assume, really really not looking forward to the uh,
vaguely racist listen. Referring to the things that I said
at the beginning of the show regarding how certain people
see the way some things are written a certain way,
there is a valid argument to be made, not necessarily here.
I'm just giving an example that sometimes in me there
is a way that like shows will try to lampshade
a racist joke in order to make it okay that
they told a racist joke by being like, oh my god,
that's so racist, so that it's like they give themselves
an out by acknowledging it, and therefore it's fine and
they can just kind of do it. And there, you know,
community with peerce has been accused of this again. I
don't really agree with that. I see it. I understand
what people mean by that, but I don't really think
that's what's happening there. I think that Pierce is the joke,
you know, and the racism is so absurd that it
isn't like it turns itself around, you know what I'm saying.
But uh, well, see how this is handled. I am curious,
so I'm trying to find this bit here. Here it
is Rosetta, Tippet and I are already in town at
the mercenary market. Need anything, a driver and defense fast reflexes.
Will need at least two who can drive, since neither
Donut nor I can connect race nobody too crazy, Rosetta.
Prices will be double because you lost the last two
mercenaries we hired, Carl, It's okay, just get the best
you can. Prices will be double rough, and it turns
out it's more than that, but we'll be there so anyway.
Carl's out of his kangaroo suit, which is great, and
Donut says, you've been exfoliated. Wow. I mean that costume
is super gross, but you look amazing. Your complexion is fantastic.
Which nice perk? You know, acid does that. It's actually
what I use to do certain skincare things. And like
I will have you know y'all, I am not wearing
any foundation or anything right now. This is just my skin,
which is like, I'm lucky to have decent skin. I
have lipstick on. That's my one bit of makeup. So sorry.
There's a moment here where Samantha is talking to Dona
about maybe using this weird acid from the suit in
her skincare thing like as a new product line, and
she says something about how we're not using animal testing
on any products, well at least not publicly. Tippotum Rosta entered,
followed by three mercenaries who looked about the room with
wide eyed wonder. They were a levels seventy five female
groky frog, eleven ninety six flaming fire fairy who was
about donut size, and one of those badger guys who
were usually bartenders, and a porsuck. That one was level
eighty one. I'm really wondering how somebody as tiny as
Donut could drive. I'm sure there's a way. But you know,
this is Team Helix, a three for one mercenary squad
working together for some time, already raised in two heats,
coming in first and second. The time he came in
second doesn't count. The grokey said that demon with the
chains was cheating, killed one of the two clients and
killed our friend Hillado, which a lot of means ice
cream in Spanish. Just wanted to mention that I love
it would have killed the rest of us too, if
her partner hadn't stopped her. Finally got a scratch on
her though, And there comes an amazing moment with the
Poor Suck where Samantha comes up and flirts and he
flirts back, and then she's like, yeah, let's fucking do
this and he really does not know how to handle this,
and I love this so much. Guys. Look, there's a
moment in a Sex and the City episode where a
bunch of construction workers are cat calling Miranda and one
of them says something like, I got what you need,
and Miranda hasn't been laid in a while, and so
she stops and she's like you got what I need.
I need a good fucking you wanna do you want
to do that? And he literally is like, lady, ease up,
I'm married. And she's like, well, look the fuck are
you talking shit for? I'm wasting my time? And uh,
it's very funny to me, the idea of like just
immediately actually going for somebody who's cat calling you and
calling their bluff that they like, actually, don't you know
what I'm saying, like, just yeah, let's go do this.
Oh you don't want to. Sometimes they'll probably take you
up on it, but you just bring a knife and
hand your business. So anyway, this is when Kimata, who
worships Embrass, looks over at Carl and says, it's going
to be triple the price or we walk. So that's
what we're doing, and I have to find the moment
where she actually starts talking about here it is. I
had a vision from our Lord Kimata the Fairy whispered
to me. He told me if I came across a
fellow worshiper who was also a racer, that I was
to help him in any way I could. We have
been tasked with slaying his brother an impossible mission, yet, well,
we must strive to compete complete And he's like, you
said you were supposed to help me, but then you
went and you made me raise the price. And she's like, well,
we know we're going to die when we kill Hellic,
so having this extra money are going to help their families,
which I wonder if it really would, Like, I don't
know how any of this really works for them, you
know what I'm saying. I have already lost one friend
and I do not wish to lose more. This makes
our martyr to much more comforting? Does it not prepare yourself? Brother?
The unappeasable fire beckons us? Oh? Now, I mean not
being afraid of death could really work for against you,
depending you know what I'm saying. Anyway, Yeah, he's like,
I think this might have been a mistake, but it's
done now. Embers had told me directly that if I
killed this brother, he'd kill me for daring to complete
the quest he gave me, which yeah, really does fucking suck.
And he's essentially in a position of like, I have
to kill Embers, but I have no idea how we
would ever do that. So he says something like we're
not ready to face heleck before they get interrupted by
Imani and Louis, and I'm worried that like saying this
and then getting cut off, that maybe it's going to
something about his lack of faith or intent is going
to like bother her and make her less cooperative somehow,
I don't know. This is when we get heiress e
r I s by the way, because every time they
say it in the audiobook, I think they're saying h
e I r e s s like of the female
inheritor of something. This is the goddess of chaos. And
everybody gets frozen except for Carl, because she wants to
talk to him. She has the fucking oozy Jesus with her,
which is amazing that now she's got this weird, little
like sidekick. And she says, you summoned me, and Carl's
like no, and she's like I felt summoned. And he
realizes that he was thinking of her and feels chill,
like just thinking of her somehow managed to manifest her,
which is pretty terrifying, Like, yeah, I don't care for
that one little bit. So this conversation is boils down
to hey man, you are like exactly my type, and
it'd be a real shame if I were to kill
all your friends or don'tnut or something. Maybe you should
just worship me because you almost are already, and then
I'll help you not only survive here, but also I'll
help you deal with fucking embrass who sucks, and it
will be my pleasure, and that way you won't have
that bullshit to cope with, which, you know, the whole
thing is just you're It's just every time you're fucked.
You know, there's never been a moment with the gods
where it has felt like there is really any choice
at all. Of course there is, but the choices are
a horrific thing that's going to be hugely dangerous for
you and your friends, or the death of you and
friends and a really horrible death usually as well, which
you know, if the choices are between death and the thing,
I really want to say that it's like not really
a choice anymore in this sense. You know, it just
really sucks because I always want there to feel like
there's a bit of what's the word I want here,
Like we need a shrewd judgment call, and we did
something that I think is actually going to pay off
or maybe the god wasn't thinking things completely through and
we know something, you know, like anything that makes it
feel like we potentially could exploit an advantage down the road.
I never feel that way with the gods. It's always
that you get fucked. So it's rough trying to find
And let's see, you're running out of time, Carl. You
need to deal with your embras problem. Ditch him, worship me,
and I will protect you from his spite. We will
kill him and his brother and my half brother too,
but not yet. We have plans in motion and we
need all three. Their mother too has got to go.
But she's a special case. And he says, so what
do you get out of it? And she starts laughing
and she's like, I want the ascendant throne de dooy.
But that doesn't mean that only I win, like you
will also win. You are an agent of chaos and
need me, and I happen to like you. So this
is kind of a perfect match, which Karl, being an
agent of chaos is like just so valid. You know,
there's a part of me that wants to victim blame
a little bit and just be like Carl. Maybe if
you were in such a chaos machine. This lady wouldn't
have taken such an interest, you know. But like that
is not at all fair. For now, three things need
to have. You need to make nice with a Kuma
and his merry band. He does have a way to
crack open the Pineapple cabaret. He thinks it's his exit ticket.
It's so much more than that, of course, which is
really interesting. The war majors will turn on you at
the end, probably, but not right away. I don't care
what happens to them, as long as the path is open.
Just know it is a way for some of your
friends to escape. When I win the ascendancy, I can
do whatever I want. I can send you and all
your friends there. I can take you to the surface.
I can rebuild your world if I want. All I
ask is one simple thing. You worship me, and I
mean truly worship, not just go through the motions. Such
a small price to pay, Such a small price to pay.
What does it mean to truly worship her? What does
that mean? I want him to ask that question, And
again it doesn't really matter if he asks, because he
winds up being forced into this anyway fundamentally, so it's
not like the question would have enabled him to make
a better choice, because this was going to happen no
matter what. But I just want to know because what
it feels like is that you're going to be in
a situation for which you have a plan, and in
order to worship me, you have to suddenly throw all
those plans out the window and do something insane that
you didn't have, like you haven't conveyed to your friends,
or I'm going to like suddenly do something bonkers from
the outside to fuck with your well laid plan, or
I don't know, you know, and like if he's already
an agent of chaos, and why does he need to
do extra chaos, Like seems like he just kind of
got there naturally. Just let him do his thing, lady,
I don't know, So let's see. Sorry, guys, I'm trying
to hear it is This is the coin, a five
sided coin. One side has like rip Dona, the other
Karl defeated with his feet cut off, a pile of
dead bodies, with the caption most of my friends are dead.
One more time, me hanging by one foot from the
branch of a tree. Though I had a smile on
my face, the edges of the coin were filled with
player killer skulls. It read, I become what they accuse
me of. Before the ascendant is chosen, one of these
four results has to happen, and she hands it over
to Uzi Jesus to flip and Carl grabs it in
mid air and she says, grab you chose the fifth side.
Great chaos wins again. I felt the coin dissolved. When
I opened my fingers, it was gone, but I now
had a sirrel pattern tattooed on my palm. The pattern
spun on its own, a slow motion signet tattoo. I
tried to examine it, and the AI says, I don't
even know what the hell is is. This bitch is
coloring outside the lines and that is, my friends. One
of the more chilling moments I think of the series
so far, that this is something that AI has to
admit it does not know or understand, and this being
is in here doing shit she's not meant to do,
and it can't do jackshit to stop her. I mean,
we knew that, but it being acknowledged in this way
is just upsetting. And he says, what is the fifth choice?
And she says it's one of the other four choices,
or two or three or all of them. Are none
of them chaos random? She leaned forward and kissed me
on the lips. We'll see what you get, Carl, my
soon to be favorite warship. And that is the end
of chapter thirty five. Yikes. I don't care for this
at all. This bitch is nuts, you know what I'm saying,
Like Christ's sake, Carl, just can anybody just get a
break in this dungeon? I know that we don't do that,
but can we just as a treat? I don't know anyway,
when I I'd like there are so many times with
the series, guys, where I finish reading a section and
I have to go and check and double check that
I'm not allowed to read anymore because I want to
keep reading. This was one of those times where I
finished this chapter and I was like, I'm gonna go
double check. But honestly, even if I'm allowed to read more,
I don't think I'm doing that today because this just
bummed me out. So when I realized I didn't have
to read anymore, I was like, that's for the best.
I needed a break because this just felt so foreboding.
All right, I am going to wrap this up. Thank
you all again so much for hanging out, for listening.
Thank you to Michael for commissioning this again, and until
next time, Tululu motherfuckers. That was an unspoiled network podcast.