WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:07.080 Nicole and I had a ritual for making Sundays not 2 00:00:07.160 --> 00:00:11.560 just RESTful but practically sacred. We de started the hiking 3 00:00:11.560 --> 00:00:14.640 and music thing the second spring we were together. I'd 4 00:00:14.640 --> 00:00:18.679 throw together some Spotify playlist, sometimes all pounding synths to 5 00:00:18.679 --> 00:00:22.280 get us up Kennesaw, sometimes low indye for the wildflowers. 6 00:00:22.839 --> 00:00:25.399 We debate which trail, who would bring what from the 7 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:28.839 little Cuban bakery near the interstate, how much the weather 8 00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:33.280 should dictate our plans. Whatever the playlist, the plan, it 9 00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:36.679 was always us shoes ready by the door before sunrise, 10 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:40.079 both of us half delirious and laughing about it anyway, 11 00:00:40.439 --> 00:00:44.280 ready to have stubborn fun together. Lately, though, it was 12 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:48.439 always me making the playlist. Saturday night, I was sitting 13 00:00:48.479 --> 00:00:51.000 at the dining table in our little house in Decatur, 14 00:00:51.359 --> 00:00:55.359 headphones on, queuing up Fleet Foxes and Phoebe Bridges, and 15 00:00:55.399 --> 00:00:59.039 for the millionth time that Saint Lucia tracked. Nicole loved 16 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:02.320 to pretend to hate take out from Carly Tie was 17 00:01:02.399 --> 00:01:05.840 cooling beside me my pad ce Yu, turning gummy in 18 00:01:05.879 --> 00:01:09.599 the carton. Nichole texted that she was stuck late at 19 00:01:09.640 --> 00:01:13.719 the hospital that emergency. Again a pit bull with heat stroke. 20 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:16.359 She said she might just sleep in the guest room 21 00:01:16.400 --> 00:01:18.920 when she finally got home, didn't want to wake me 22 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:22.599 if the surgery went late, and she smelled like adrenaline 23 00:01:22.599 --> 00:01:25.920 and dog hair. It was a real text, full of 24 00:01:25.920 --> 00:01:29.159 her usual little dramatics, but I was already off balance. 25 00:01:29.640 --> 00:01:33.480 Nichole's green curry, her standard, sat untouched from last night, 26 00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:36.400 still in the fridge. I'd brought it home, worried she 27 00:01:36.400 --> 00:01:39.560 wouldn't eat between shifts, but she'd come rushing in late, 28 00:01:39.760 --> 00:01:42.519 hair up in a quick bun, barely said hello before 29 00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:45.519 getting called back about an on call consult with her 30 00:01:45.560 --> 00:01:49.000 overnight teck. The container was right where I left it, 31 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:53.000 not even opened. Our fridge was full of little evidence 32 00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:56.719 piles like that lately half cut lemons she swore she'd 33 00:01:56.760 --> 00:02:00.239 used for lemon bars, eggs, just starting to go. Some 34 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:03.799 ipa my sister Leila had brought over for Sunday brunch 35 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:07.359 that Nikole said she'd cracked open with a coworker after 36 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:11.240 an especially hard shift, But the seal was clearly unbroken. 37 00:02:12.319 --> 00:02:16.159 I closed my laptop, letting the Sunday Wanderings playlist hover 38 00:02:16.280 --> 00:02:20.319 in the background, and started mindlessly scrolling my phone for distraction. 39 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:23.080 It would have been just another waiting night if my 40 00:02:23.159 --> 00:02:25.840 thumb hadn't stopped on a post from Ethan, one of 41 00:02:25.840 --> 00:02:30.719 our mutual friends from Nichole's grad school cohort. He'd tagged Nikole, 42 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.800 well her handle, not her face, at a new brewery uptown. 43 00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:39.159 The photo was blurry, bottomed, red cups and crowded benches, 44 00:02:39.520 --> 00:02:43.080 Nikole out of focus behind Ethan in her navy quilted vest, 45 00:02:43.479 --> 00:02:47.879 hair out mouth mid laugh. Time stamp read six fifty 46 00:02:47.919 --> 00:02:50.520 five p m. Nikole would have been just starting her 47 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:56.000 supposed critical emergency shift at that exact time. For a minute, 48 00:02:56.000 --> 00:02:58.960 I stared trying to fit it together. Maybe she'd stop 49 00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:01.599 by for one beer before for work. Maybe she was 50 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:04.639 keeping up with Ethan about some hospital fundraiser and he 51 00:03:04.800 --> 00:03:08.000 just tagged everyone there. Or maybe I even reasoned this 52 00:03:08.039 --> 00:03:10.400 out loud the time stamp was off old, or the 53 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:13.800 hospital had called her in late, or or or I 54 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.080 almost typed out, hey, how was the brewery? With a 55 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:21.120 teasing emoji, but deleted it instead. I put the pad 56 00:03:21.159 --> 00:03:24.520 CU in the fridge next to yesterday's unmarked green curry 57 00:03:24.800 --> 00:03:28.319 and turned off the playlist before it could AutoPlay Nicole 58 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:32.360 texted again quick, still at the hospital, love you. Sorry 59 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:36.439 I didn't reply. Her hiking boots, her smaller ones next 60 00:03:36.439 --> 00:03:39.560 to mine sat expectantly lined up at the door, but 61 00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:42.439 I didn't bother prepping the granola bars like we used 62 00:03:42.439 --> 00:03:46.280 to do. I stood in the quiet, head weirdly full 63 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:49.319 but nowhere to put it, and tried to remember when 64 00:03:49.360 --> 00:03:53.439 these simple things started feeling fragile. It's not like I 65 00:03:53.479 --> 00:03:57.840 don't know how relationships. Real ones, adult ones get bruised 66 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.800 by time and career and the pinprick caseaos of being 67 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:04.759 together almost into our thirties and not immune to boredom 68 00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:09.000 or stress or wanting out. Five years married, seven together. 69 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:12.560 Maybe that's just how it goes. But I never had 70 00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:16.199 to work at trusting Nicole, even back at Emory. She'd 71 00:04:16.199 --> 00:04:18.920 been the one who dragged me to poetry slams and 72 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:22.240 made pancake dinners at midnight, who once duct taped my 73 00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:26.000 broken bike tire with surgical tubing and laughed the hallway 74 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:30.199 to Piedmont Park when it burst. Anyway, our Sunday brunch 75 00:04:30.319 --> 00:04:33.839 table always overflowed with too many berries, and our neighbor 76 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:38.639 Bryan's bizarre attempts at vegan scones. Afterwards, Nicole and I 77 00:04:38.720 --> 00:04:41.879 would do the New York Times crossword bickering over gen 78 00:04:42.000 --> 00:04:44.839 Z clues and who got to hold the scrabble timer. 79 00:04:45.879 --> 00:04:49.279 Our friends overlapped in a way that felt effortless. Double 80 00:04:49.399 --> 00:04:52.519 dates with Meyer and her partner, all to candle trivia 81 00:04:52.600 --> 00:04:56.319 knights with Leela and her boyfriend Charles, whom Nicole teased 82 00:04:56.360 --> 00:05:00.439 mercilessly about his in door plant addiction. We weren't the 83 00:05:00.439 --> 00:05:03.639 couple that hovered in corners, that left early when real 84 00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:08.839 talk started. And when Nicole announced that January she landed 85 00:05:08.839 --> 00:05:12.160 the head e er surgeon role at the Uptown Animal Hospital, 86 00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.439 I was the loudest voice at a bash, dragging her 87 00:05:15.480 --> 00:05:18.319 into an impromptu bay and say dance off because I 88 00:05:18.399 --> 00:05:22.040 said and believed that she needed to claim the new stage. 89 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:26.360 I just made project manager at the architecture firm finally 90 00:05:26.680 --> 00:05:29.839 after years of waiting, and sighed freelancing for equity into 91 00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:33.920 our dream garden. Nikole was proud as hell. She showed 92 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:36.759 up at my showcase, made power punts for my ideas, 93 00:05:37.040 --> 00:05:40.120 picked out herbs and obscure bulbs for our raised beds. 94 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:43.600 Our life wasn't perfect, but it felt like we shaped 95 00:05:43.639 --> 00:05:47.120 it from something solid. Nikole always had a way of 96 00:05:47.199 --> 00:05:50.480 using laughter as spackle over stress. She teased me about 97 00:05:50.519 --> 00:05:53.680 how I folded towels to hotel, or how my kayaking 98 00:05:53.720 --> 00:05:58.319 technique was decidedly amateur but adorable. But when her anxiety spiked, 99 00:05:58.519 --> 00:06:00.920 like taking on this monstrous new sh shift schedule, she 100 00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:04.600 withdrew that first week, She'd started putting her phone straight 101 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:07.079 on to do not disturb after dinner, the screen of 102 00:06:07.160 --> 00:06:11.279 black slab on the counter work boundaries, She said, you 103 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.879 should too. I let it slide, told myself I respected 104 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:18.800 her right to decompress when all she saw these days 105 00:06:18.800 --> 00:06:23.079 were bleeding dogs and panicked pet owners. Still, I'd catch 106 00:06:23.120 --> 00:06:26.160 myself feeling shut out, that flicker of a fence that 107 00:06:26.240 --> 00:06:29.439 shouldn't have mattered. The next time I tried to bring 108 00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:31.800 us back to normal, Nicole came up with a clever 109 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:35.000 way to sidestep the issue. It was well played. She 110 00:06:35.160 --> 00:06:37.839 urged me to finally take the ski trip I'd always skipped, 111 00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:41.240 said this year, please go. You need it. She said, 112 00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:44.120 work was murder, she couldn't take time. She'd hate to 113 00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:46.839 slow the group down all that the way, she said, 114 00:06:46.839 --> 00:06:49.319 it felt almost too rehearsed, but I let it puff 115 00:06:49.399 --> 00:06:51.759 me up, her wanting me to go, her trusting me 116 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:55.399 to have fun with my friends. But it registered sharp 117 00:06:55.680 --> 00:06:58.120 that she'd been the one two years earlier, guilt tripping 118 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.560 me for leaving her behind on the last sk GHI trip. 119 00:07:01.240 --> 00:07:04.519 Let's go together next time, she'd said. For a second, 120 00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:07.240 I toyed with whether she'd changed her mind after the 121 00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:11.360 e R promotion. Maybe Sunday brunches and trail hikes really 122 00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:16.120 weren't priorities when managing a perpetual crisis. Still, I packed 123 00:07:17.120 --> 00:07:20.000 the night before I left. I tried to stoke some fun, 124 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:24.319 dropping comments about the possible black diamond wipeouts, our usual 125 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:29.439 wager at first fall equals buying post slope dessert. Nicole smiled, 126 00:07:29.759 --> 00:07:33.439 but it didn't reach her eyes. While throwing my jeans 127 00:07:33.480 --> 00:07:36.319 in the wash, I emptied Nichole's pockets for her doing 128 00:07:36.319 --> 00:07:39.199 what I always did. That's where I found the ticket's 129 00:07:39.240 --> 00:07:45.079 stub from Fractured Realities Contemporary Southeast Art Exhibition, Thursday, seven 130 00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:48.079 thirty p m. She d told me she was catching 131 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:51.199 up on charts and paperwork that night, not home until 132 00:07:51.240 --> 00:07:56.319 nearly midnight. The stub was fresh, not yellowed, not accidentally laundered. 133 00:07:57.319 --> 00:08:00.240 I held it dumbly, thinking about the art shows we 134 00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:04.360 d once crashed together, and how Nicole usually texted me 135 00:08:04.639 --> 00:08:09.000 surgical hayze send memes if she was working late. I 136 00:08:09.079 --> 00:08:12.079 let it pass mostly over dinner. I tried to needle 137 00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:15.160 out an explanation, grinning, you ever sneak off for art 138 00:08:15.240 --> 00:08:18.720 shows these days or just for work field trips. Nicole 139 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:22.240 twirled her past her and mumbled something about, oh, yes, soon, 140 00:08:22.759 --> 00:08:25.079 Meyer's group has a trip coming up. Want to see 141 00:08:25.079 --> 00:08:28.959 those weird installations? Maybe in a couple weeks. She kept 142 00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:32.279 her gaze on her plate, deftly steering conversation to my 143 00:08:32.320 --> 00:08:36.440 anxieties about the ski trip. I wanted to trust her words, 144 00:08:36.679 --> 00:08:39.720 but they sat thinly over something else, almost like there 145 00:08:39.799 --> 00:08:43.639 was a script she was following. I steeled myself. Whatever 146 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.639 the weirdness, it was probably just work. The ski trip 147 00:08:47.679 --> 00:08:51.399 itself should have been freeing old college friends a rented cabin, 148 00:08:51.679 --> 00:08:54.879 knights of beers and laughing at bruised knees. But late 149 00:08:54.919 --> 00:08:57.960 one night, after a long round of cards against humanity, 150 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:01.799 some one passed me their phone group chat, endless memes 151 00:09:02.000 --> 00:09:03.840 and a photo of a patio at a down town 152 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:07.039 wine bar. The caption was dumb, just guess who we saw. 153 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:11.440 Nikole was in the background, blurry but unmistakable, leaning close 154 00:09:11.519 --> 00:09:14.600 to man. I didn't know ponat a loose jacket off 155 00:09:14.600 --> 00:09:17.879 her shoulders. She was smiling in a way that looked 156 00:09:17.960 --> 00:09:21.720 lighter than she'd been at home lately. The time stamp 157 00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:26.279 that night, nine thirteen p m. Friday. I'd texted Nikole 158 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:29.679 before bed that same evening, and she'd replied, just one 159 00:09:29.720 --> 00:09:32.559 more surgery. I'll crash at the hospital after love you. 160 00:09:33.279 --> 00:09:36.039 My mouth went desert dry. I double checked the date, 161 00:09:36.240 --> 00:09:40.679 the time. No chance for an innocent overlap. Back in Atlanta, 162 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:44.279 I tried for something normal. Nikole picked me up. She 163 00:09:44.360 --> 00:09:47.799 looked tired, dark circles under eyes. She hid with sunglasses, 164 00:09:47.840 --> 00:09:51.840 but tried for pleasant. I asked anything with work, calm down. 165 00:09:52.200 --> 00:09:55.279 She avoided details, threw in a story about an aggressive 166 00:09:55.320 --> 00:09:59.120 sheet sou and a frazzled intun Her phone buzzed several 167 00:09:59.159 --> 00:10:01.840 times during the dry and she thumbed it onto silent 168 00:10:02.000 --> 00:10:05.639 so fast it startled me. That night, I called Leela, 169 00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:09.120 hoping to stitch the hole in my confidence. Nikole seems 170 00:10:09.159 --> 00:10:12.200 a little off right, I said, steering at casual. My 171 00:10:12.279 --> 00:10:15.279 sister hesitated, then said she got in coffee with Nikole 172 00:10:15.399 --> 00:10:18.799 last week and she just seemed distracted, honestly, like she 173 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:22.360 was barely there. Leela asked if everything was okay, and 174 00:10:22.399 --> 00:10:25.639 I heard the subtext was Nikole protecting me or herself? 175 00:10:26.000 --> 00:10:29.240 I brushed it off, told her maybe Nikole was just overloaded, 176 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:33.000 but I didn't believe it. A day later, Nicole and 177 00:10:33.039 --> 00:10:35.960 I went to Brian's back yard cookout something we used 178 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:39.559 to love, a chance to feel like sloppy, ordinary neighbors again. 179 00:10:40.120 --> 00:10:43.000 Late in the afternoon, Brian muscled up beside me over 180 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:46.399 the grill, bottle in hand. Hey, weird. I ran into 181 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:48.960 Nicole and her coworker at sun in my belly last 182 00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:52.960 weekend early brunch. You weren't there right. My face must 183 00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:57.840 have given something away, because Brian looked instantly apologetic. Sorry, man, 184 00:10:58.200 --> 00:11:02.000 just thought you were traveling or something. Nikole had told 185 00:11:02.000 --> 00:11:04.720 me she'd worked all night and needed to sleep late 186 00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:09.080 that morning. She never even mentioned brunch. That night, I 187 00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:12.039 went outside to the driveway just on a weird impulse. 188 00:11:12.600 --> 00:11:15.919 Nichole's car was idling at the curb. City grit caked 189 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:18.919 on the back window. Coffee cups in both cup holders. 190 00:11:19.519 --> 00:11:23.360 One was Nichole's, her favorite batted yetti, the one I'd 191 00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:26.759 bought her for graduation, filled with the residue of black 192 00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.559 coffee and half melted ice. The other was a paper 193 00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:33.960 to go cup from a bakery across town. Lipstick ringed 194 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:37.440 on the lid, not her signature burnt rose shade that 195 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:40.480 left a faint pink dust on all our glasses, but 196 00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:45.159 a deep plum, half faded. I didn't say anything. I 197 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:48.840 just dropped both cups in recycling and told myself over 198 00:11:48.919 --> 00:11:53.399 and over it was nothing. Nichole's voice mail messages started 199 00:11:53.440 --> 00:11:56.840 swelling in frequency, replacing the phone calls we used to 200 00:11:56.840 --> 00:12:00.919 have on her drive home. Sorry babe, super tired, can't talk, 201 00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:03.879 love you. She hung up fast, always with an edge 202 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:07.480 of finality. There was less touching, less lingering talk. Late 203 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:11.799 at night, Nikole would lapse into small, obvious routines, her 204 00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:15.080 telling me about dog abscesses gone wild with a fixed, 205 00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:20.720 careful smile. Sometimes after dinner, she'd feigned sleepiness and vanish 206 00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:23.200 into the guest room, claiming she didn't want to wake 207 00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:27.399 me by tossing all night. Other times she blamed nerves 208 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:30.600 about her new role, for forgetting to RSVP to dinners 209 00:12:30.919 --> 00:12:35.559 or leaving texts unread. But reality started unraveling in ways 210 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:38.279 I couldn't take back together. I looked at our shared 211 00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:42.080 Google calendar, something we both used religiously, color coding our 212 00:12:42.080 --> 00:12:47.000 different work shifts, parties, appointments. Recently, though, Nikole had blocked 213 00:12:47.039 --> 00:12:50.320 out long Thursday nights and some weekends with work meeting. 214 00:12:50.840 --> 00:12:53.320 But when I cross checked against the hospital's posted e 215 00:12:53.559 --> 00:12:57.879 R schedule, i'd found it online. Feeling sheepish, those meetings 216 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.879 didn't exist. I try to talk myself down. Maybe it 217 00:13:01.919 --> 00:13:05.759 was a change in admin's scheduling, a mistake. Then Nikole 218 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:08.919 started guarding her phone like it was a passport, turned 219 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:12.399 face down, carried even into the bathroom slips of conversation, 220 00:13:12.559 --> 00:13:16.039 answered with a chirpie sorry work again. At a party 221 00:13:16.080 --> 00:13:19.000 with Meyer and a few vet texts, Nikole laughed too 222 00:13:19.039 --> 00:13:22.440 loudly at Meyer's stories and bristled almost snapped at me 223 00:13:22.679 --> 00:13:25.720 when I made a dumb joke about emergency work spouses. 224 00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:29.600 She wouldn't let me watch her type out her shift replacements, 225 00:13:29.919 --> 00:13:33.279 and when the hospital called, she'd vanish outside to answer 226 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:37.360 in the car. Even during a thunder storm. The isolation 227 00:13:37.480 --> 00:13:41.159 grew quietly, Invitations dried up. We should have been the 228 00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:45.919 couple every one invited instead, Dinners, trivia nights, all filtered away, 229 00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:49.679 with Nikole s just so much happening this quarter as 230 00:13:49.720 --> 00:13:53.080 the excuse. When Meyer and her partner Kim did manage 231 00:13:53.080 --> 00:13:57.000 to get us over, the conversation avoided anything personal. All 232 00:13:57.039 --> 00:14:01.639 stuck to pet stories and viral tick toks. Weeks blurred 233 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:05.600 into months. Even the small things got brittle. Nichole's habit 234 00:14:05.639 --> 00:14:09.480 of ordering groceries switched to her doing little errands alone. 235 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:12.879 When I asked about her favorite frozen yogurt, she claimed 236 00:14:12.919 --> 00:14:16.519 she was craving new things. I didn't want to be territorial. 237 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:19.320 But when her old playlists went stale on our shared 238 00:14:19.399 --> 00:14:22.960 Spotify and she started humming music I didn't recognize. I 239 00:14:23.039 --> 00:14:26.759 felt like a ghost in my own kitchen. Then whatever 240 00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:32.039 boundary stood between my doubts and confrontation finally eroded. One night, 241 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:35.519 after a bruising, joyless dinner where I tried to joke 242 00:14:35.600 --> 00:14:38.799 Nichole into asking about my firm's win on a condo bid, 243 00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:42.039 only to have her aha into her beans and check 244 00:14:42.039 --> 00:14:44.960 her watch. I stopped her when she moved toward the 245 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:49.559 guest room. You're barely here, I said, voice steady, but 246 00:14:49.720 --> 00:14:53.080 hands shaking under the table. If something's off with us, 247 00:14:53.120 --> 00:14:55.799 I want to know, is it really just work stress? 248 00:14:56.279 --> 00:15:00.600 I hated how small my voice sounded, how needy. Nichole's 249 00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:04.120 eyes brimmed instantly emotional, as if she'd been waiting for 250 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:07.159 the question. She grabbed my hand, said she was just 251 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:10.120 under water at work, that she'd lost a patient, the 252 00:15:10.159 --> 00:15:12.759 worst case in three years, and the head vet was 253 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:17.080 scrutinizing her every move. I know I've been impossible. Just 254 00:15:17.240 --> 00:15:20.960 be patient, jur I'm sorry. For a minute, I let 255 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:24.240 it soothe me. I felt childish for projecting my worries, 256 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:28.080 for letting a dozen circumstantial details add up to sabotage. 257 00:15:28.600 --> 00:15:31.399 Nikole curled next to me on the couch, head tucked 258 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:34.039 under my arm the way she did on our first apartments, 259 00:15:34.080 --> 00:15:37.879 Saggy Futon, and we reminisced for hours about Annette the 260 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:42.080 disaster dog, about our slapstick attempt at Selsa, lessons, about 261 00:15:42.120 --> 00:15:45.240 how Nikole used to slide post its with dumb poems 262 00:15:45.240 --> 00:15:48.960 into my wallet. It felt real in the moment we 263 00:15:49.039 --> 00:15:52.159 pulled up pictures from college. Half planned a weekend in 264 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:55.159 the mountains for the next month, talking in lets and 265 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:58.200 can we try again? I thought, we'll get out of 266 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:01.360 the woods for once. I got a full night's sleep. 267 00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:05.279 Two days later, Nikole was packing for a conference in 268 00:16:05.320 --> 00:16:09.799 Athens an overnight, some veterinary presentation. She said all the 269 00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:13.360 bigwigs from Atlanta would be there. I offered a ride, 270 00:16:13.720 --> 00:16:16.480 but she waved me off, kissed my cheek, and said 271 00:16:16.519 --> 00:16:20.679 she'd carpool with Meyer. The morning Nichole left my phone 272 00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:24.639 pinged doctor Meyer had accidentally texted me a chat clearly 273 00:16:24.679 --> 00:16:27.320 meant for someone else. Let me know how your weekend 274 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:30.360 in Asheville goes. Hope you and Nichole have fun. I 275 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:34.320 stared at the screen Asheville. Nikole hadn't mentioned Asheville. It 276 00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.200 didn't track, not with a conference in Athens, not when 277 00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:39.960 she was supposedly booked back at work by noon Sunday. 278 00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:43.200 For a few seconds, I stared at the message, wondering 279 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:46.440 if it was auto correct, a joke, something I'd misheard. 280 00:16:47.399 --> 00:16:49.519 But then the tension that had coiled in me for 281 00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:54.360 months snapped, now burning with a new jagged edge. I 282 00:16:54.399 --> 00:16:58.320 didn't text Nicole. I didn't text Meyer. I just stared 283 00:16:58.360 --> 00:17:01.320 and stared at the chiming message until I stopped feeling 284 00:17:01.360 --> 00:17:05.599 anything at all. I hung in that confused stasis for hours, 285 00:17:05.880 --> 00:17:09.839 my mind double backing over every small oddity, the art ticket, 286 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:13.720 the lipstick, the conference that may not exist. I needed more, 287 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:16.519 some kind of certainty, before the ground came out from 288 00:17:16.599 --> 00:17:20.480 under me. Nichole texted a picture later, a neat, little, 289 00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:24.559 prepackaged continental breakfast in a hotel room with pastal walls, 290 00:17:24.839 --> 00:17:28.920 her conference badge half visible. I zoomed in. Nothing in 291 00:17:28.920 --> 00:17:33.079 the photo suggested Athens. There was a region map sticking 292 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:35.960 from a pamphlet on the table. I enhanced as best 293 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.480 I could, but it might have said blue Ridge, for 294 00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:42.440 all I could tell. Nichole's texts were breezy, chatty, even 295 00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:45.880 miss you, see you late Sunday. Don't forget to water 296 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:50.440 the lilies, love you. I paced all through Saturday, debating 297 00:17:50.480 --> 00:17:53.400 whether to try calling the animal hospital. I had a 298 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:56.359 lingering sense of decency, not wanting to seem like a 299 00:17:56.400 --> 00:18:00.480 suspicious spouse, or worse, someone ready to sink their relationship 300 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:03.480 over a misunderstanding. But the more I thought about it, 301 00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:07.880 the more everything pointed away from ordinary stress. The lies 302 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.960 were too sharp, the timeline too fractured, details building into 303 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:16.359 something I couldn't rationalize away. Sleep eluded me. That night, 304 00:18:16.839 --> 00:18:20.759 I started making lists, literal bullet points in my phone's notes, 305 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:26.200 app each inconsistency, laid out with times and dates. Nichole's 306 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:31.200 appearance at the brewery while supposedly at work, ticket stub 307 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:35.480 for the exhibit on a work night, wine bar appearance 308 00:18:35.720 --> 00:18:39.359 with an unknown man, brunch at sun in my belly 309 00:18:39.440 --> 00:18:43.359 with co worker when she said she was sleeping, lipstick, 310 00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:48.559 unfamiliar coffee order, work meetings in the calendar not mirrored 311 00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:54.200 on the hospital's schedule, guarded phone, and odd behavior at gatherings. 312 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:59.359 The Athens slash Ashville text. I recited them silently, like 313 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:02.799 an incantation. Just writing it down made it feel less 314 00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:05.680 like a foggy malaise and more like something I could 315 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:09.880 maybe put to rest or confront. If it turned out 316 00:19:09.880 --> 00:19:13.079 to be some tangled overlap of work and friend obligations, 317 00:19:13.359 --> 00:19:16.920 I'd apologize, but I'd no longer let myself be comforted 318 00:19:16.920 --> 00:19:21.240 by surface level answers. When a cole came home that Sunday, 319 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:24.759 I noticed she'd barely unpacked two bags dropped in the 320 00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:27.319 hall as if she meant to leave again soon. She 321 00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:31.440 told me all about the conference, the speakers, the stressful networking, 322 00:19:31.720 --> 00:19:35.920 the bad hotel coffee. She didn't mention Meyer's mistaken message, 323 00:19:36.200 --> 00:19:39.079 nor did she seem particularly curious about what I'd been 324 00:19:39.160 --> 00:19:43.319 up to all weekend. My responses were measured, making mental 325 00:19:43.359 --> 00:19:47.319 notes of every gap. I waited until she went upstairs 326 00:19:47.359 --> 00:19:49.839 to shower, then walked into the guest room, where she 327 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:54.240 left her conference pass. The lanyard read Blue Ridge Wellness 328 00:19:54.240 --> 00:20:00.000 Center Veterinary Symposium Asheville, not Athen's. My hands were cold. 329 00:20:00.599 --> 00:20:02.960 I set the pass back where it was, not, wanting 330 00:20:03.039 --> 00:20:06.200 Nichole to notice I'd touched it. For the first time, 331 00:20:06.559 --> 00:20:09.039 I actually considered that the thing I was afraid to 332 00:20:09.119 --> 00:20:13.279 face wasn't just Nicole being tired or overworked or lonely. 333 00:20:13.880 --> 00:20:17.279 It was Nicole choosing to build a parallel life, patches 334 00:20:17.319 --> 00:20:21.440 of which I'd stumbled into by accident. I texted Brian 335 00:20:21.559 --> 00:20:24.880 that night, after too much bourbon and not enough food. Hey, 336 00:20:24.960 --> 00:20:27.880 you ever see Nicole with that coworker again. I kept 337 00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:30.119 it light, as much as it killed me to play dumb. 338 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:34.319 Brian took a while, then replied, honest but careful. Yeah, 339 00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:37.319 a couple times lately, always way out east. Not a 340 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:40.640 usual lunch spots. Guys, may be my age looks like 341 00:20:40.680 --> 00:20:43.920 a younger Atticus Finch, if that makes sense. They seemed 342 00:20:43.960 --> 00:20:49.640 close you okay? I didn't answer, not right away. Next 343 00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:52.599 I called the animal hospital. I used the land line, 344 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:56.680 disguising my voice a little, asking for doctor Nicole, wondering 345 00:20:56.680 --> 00:21:00.640 if she'd been on call all week nd. The receptionist hesitated, 346 00:21:01.000 --> 00:21:05.680 she's out until Monday, Oh, except for a day consult Wednesday. Sorry, 347 00:21:05.799 --> 00:21:08.240 can I leave her a message? I hung up and 348 00:21:08.279 --> 00:21:12.119 felt the adrenaline sweat through my shirt. I was scared 349 00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:14.720 and furious and weirdly hollow all at once. But I 350 00:21:14.759 --> 00:21:18.240 needed to see, really see what was being hidden. I 351 00:21:18.279 --> 00:21:21.279 remembered Nichole had never turned off location sharing on Find 352 00:21:21.319 --> 00:21:23.640 my iPhone. We used to joke about how it was 353 00:21:23.720 --> 00:21:28.799 pique millennial codependence. I opened the app, hands trembling. Nichole's 354 00:21:28.799 --> 00:21:34.920 phone read Asheville downtown, the Penrose Hotel not moving. I 355 00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:37.880 called Leela, finally, trusting she would be the only person 356 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:41.200 who'd let me talk in circles without pushing solutions. Her 357 00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:44.240 voice was both warm and steady, a life line. I 358 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.160 spilled everything, the ticket, the lipstick, the mysterious brunches, the 359 00:21:48.200 --> 00:21:52.279 incorrect conference location. Myer's text Leelah paused and didn't a 360 00:21:52.400 --> 00:21:54.920 fault to platitudes. If you need to know, then you 361 00:21:55.000 --> 00:21:58.000 need to know, she said softly. But don't walk in 362 00:21:58.079 --> 00:22:01.319 looking for a fight, walk in prepared for pain. I'll 363 00:22:01.319 --> 00:22:05.680 be on standby, Okay, I thanked, her voice catching and 364 00:22:05.759 --> 00:22:10.000 promised to update her. It was late afternoon already, Nicholl's 365 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:13.359 itinerary suggesting she was due home next day at lunch. 366 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:17.039 If I left, then I'd be in Asheville just after dawn. 367 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:20.680 I drove for hours in the blue gray light, my 368 00:22:20.799 --> 00:22:24.799 mind racing through every possible scenario. What if Nichole was 369 00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:27.880 trapped in something. What if I'd missed some red flag, 370 00:22:28.200 --> 00:22:31.039 some sign she was miserable, not just at home, but 371 00:22:31.160 --> 00:22:34.200 as a person. What if I'd somehow become the villain 372 00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:37.480 in her life? Each mile marker felt at once like 373 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:42.359 pursuit and escape. When I finally arrived, Asheville was rinsed 374 00:22:42.359 --> 00:22:46.000 clean with spring rain. The Penrose Hotel squatted at the 375 00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:49.920 end of a touristy block European in style, staffed too 376 00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:53.000 friendly for the awkward, sleep deprived man in front of them. 377 00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:56.480 I booked a room under my own name, just in case, 378 00:22:56.920 --> 00:22:59.960 and nursed a black coffee in the lobby, jacket zipped up, 379 00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:03.279 feeling every inch the private detective I never wanted to be. 380 00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:07.559 It took two more hours, but at eleven Nicole emerged 381 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:10.160 from the elevator, hair looser than she wore it at home, 382 00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:13.319 skin glowing with that post chowl flush she once saved 383 00:23:13.319 --> 00:23:15.720 for nights out with me. By her side was a 384 00:23:15.720 --> 00:23:19.680 man young, a kind of deliberate casual, navy scrubs swapped 385 00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:22.920 for jeans and a blazer, too confident not to draw attention. 386 00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:27.000 Nikole and he Allan, it would turn out, walked close. 387 00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.119 He brushed her hand as they headed out the glass doors, 388 00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:35.039 laughing at something. Their heads tipped naturally together. For a minute, 389 00:23:35.039 --> 00:23:39.640 my brain short circuited. My body was frozen. It felt staged, 390 00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:41.799 like I had willed it into being, just so I 391 00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:45.200 could finally truly understand the extent of what I had 392 00:23:45.240 --> 00:23:48.640 been glimpsing in pieces. This was the story written on 393 00:23:48.759 --> 00:23:52.720 Nichole's new clothes, her shifting moods, The growing chasm in 394 00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:56.519 our bed. I ducked away, unwilling to turn this into 395 00:23:56.559 --> 00:23:59.519 a public scene. Instead, I waited in the bar, off 396 00:23:59.559 --> 00:24:02.359 the lobby, watching the street, trying to figure out how 397 00:24:02.599 --> 00:24:06.319 if I could confront her. My hands were shaking so badly. 398 00:24:06.359 --> 00:24:10.119 The bartender asked if I was cold just passing through. 399 00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:13.279 I lied and ordered seltzer. He didn't charge me for 400 00:24:14.359 --> 00:24:17.680 the old reflex to text Nicole, where are you? Flickered 401 00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:20.640