WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.360 --> 00:00:02.879
<v Speaker 1>Last week, my fifteen year old granddaughter came out to

2
00:00:02.919 --> 00:00:05.799
<v Speaker 1>our trailer. We've done this for years and years with him,

3
00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:10.800
<v Speaker 1>but for the first time, I realized she doesn't really

4
00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:14.919
<v Speaker 1>need me anymore. And I so was not ready for

5
00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:18.000
<v Speaker 1>how that felt. I'm more in Debrandski, this is life

6
00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:21.079
<v Speaker 1>starts at retirement. Let's just talk about this. You know,

7
00:00:21.199 --> 00:00:23.920
<v Speaker 1>every summer we bring our grandkids to the trailer for

8
00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:26.760
<v Speaker 1>a few days, and as they've gotten older, we've always

9
00:00:26.920 --> 00:00:29.480
<v Speaker 1>encouraged them to bring a friend along. We really wanted

10
00:00:29.480 --> 00:00:33.359
<v Speaker 1>this to be a place where they loved coming even

11
00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:36.600
<v Speaker 1>as they grew up. So Brianna, our fifteen year old granddaughter,

12
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:39.320
<v Speaker 1>and her friend came out last week and they had

13
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:44.159
<v Speaker 1>a wonderful time. They laughed, they whispered, they wandered off together,

14
00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:47.159
<v Speaker 1>they planned things, they went to the pond. They lived

15
00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:51.520
<v Speaker 1>in their little own world, exactly the way fifteen year

16
00:00:51.560 --> 00:00:56.560
<v Speaker 1>old girls should. And I found myself sitting there watching

17
00:00:56.600 --> 00:01:00.759
<v Speaker 1>them with a lump in my throat because I suddenly

18
00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:06.159
<v Speaker 1>realized something for the first time, my granddaughter didn't really

19
00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:10.200
<v Speaker 1>need Karama anymore. We didn't go to the pool together,

20
00:01:10.280 --> 00:01:12.879
<v Speaker 1>we didn't play our usual games, we didn't have those

21
00:01:12.920 --> 00:01:17.560
<v Speaker 1>long conversations we normally did. I just somehow quietly assumed

22
00:01:17.640 --> 00:01:21.120
<v Speaker 1>that we'd always do the same things, not realizing that

23
00:01:21.159 --> 00:01:25.000
<v Speaker 1>life moves on and moves on fast, you know. And

24
00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:27.480
<v Speaker 1>I sat there watching the two teenage girls have the

25
00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:31.159
<v Speaker 1>time of their lives, twenty feet apart from me, in

26
00:01:31.200 --> 00:01:33.120
<v Speaker 1>a world though where I wasn't a part of it.

27
00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:40.439
<v Speaker 1>And here's the thing, I'm genuinely happy watching her. She's

28
00:01:40.519 --> 00:01:44.760
<v Speaker 1>becoming a confident, independent woman. She's finding her own place

29
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:48.840
<v Speaker 1>in the world, and that's everything that we want for

30
00:01:48.959 --> 00:01:53.200
<v Speaker 1>our grandchildren. But I'd also be lying if I didn't

31
00:01:53.239 --> 00:01:56.879
<v Speaker 1>say it really makes me a little bit sad too.

32
00:01:58.439 --> 00:02:01.359
<v Speaker 1>And it's a strange kind of grief, though, I think,

33
00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:04.640
<v Speaker 1>isn't it, Because it's the kind where really nobody did

34
00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:11.719
<v Speaker 1>anything wrong, where nothing bad has happened. It's exactly what's

35
00:02:11.800 --> 00:02:14.879
<v Speaker 1>supposed to happen. Kids grow up, they spread their wings,

36
00:02:14.919 --> 00:02:17.960
<v Speaker 1>they need us less and less, and that's the way

37
00:02:18.000 --> 00:02:22.520
<v Speaker 1>it should be. And yet I was sad because there's

38
00:02:22.680 --> 00:02:25.360
<v Speaker 1>there's a version I guess of her that I used

39
00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:29.240
<v Speaker 1>to know, the one that thought Grandma was the most

40
00:02:29.280 --> 00:02:34.719
<v Speaker 1>fun person at the trailer and summer this year, it

41
00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:38.639
<v Speaker 1>was gone, without a single dramatic minute, without a moment

42
00:02:38.759 --> 00:02:41.520
<v Speaker 1>that I can think of. She just quietly became someone else,

43
00:02:41.560 --> 00:02:44.599
<v Speaker 1>someone I'm getting to know all over again. And I

44
00:02:44.599 --> 00:02:47.479
<v Speaker 1>think this is the part that's hard to explain. I'm

45
00:02:47.520 --> 00:02:50.159
<v Speaker 1>not sad that she's growing up. I'm proud of it.

46
00:02:50.199 --> 00:02:52.479
<v Speaker 1>I'm proud of her. I want her to have her

47
00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:55.840
<v Speaker 1>own world, her own friends, her own plans that really

48
00:02:55.879 --> 00:03:02.319
<v Speaker 1>don't include me as much. Sometimes as grandparents and then

49
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:06.439
<v Speaker 1>parents too, we don't realize that we're saying goodbye to

50
00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:12.280
<v Speaker 1>one chapter while we're still living it. We think, or

51
00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:15.120
<v Speaker 1>I thought we had more time still in that old

52
00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:17.960
<v Speaker 1>chapter than I did. And then one summer at the trailer,

53
00:03:18.360 --> 00:03:22.159
<v Speaker 1>it's just over, and I didn't see a warning. I'm

54
00:03:22.199 --> 00:03:24.240
<v Speaker 1>sure they were there, but I certainly didn't see it.

55
00:03:24.520 --> 00:03:26.319
<v Speaker 1>But now both things can be true at once. I

56
00:03:26.319 --> 00:03:28.960
<v Speaker 1>can be happy for her, and I can miss her

57
00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:32.039
<v Speaker 1>and be sad for me too. Neither one cancels out

58
00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:36.199
<v Speaker 1>the other. I can be incredibly proud of the young

59
00:03:36.199 --> 00:03:39.759
<v Speaker 1>woman she's becoming and still miss the little girl who

60
00:03:39.840 --> 00:03:44.159
<v Speaker 1>thought Grandma was just wonderful. So those two feelings can

61
00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:48.599
<v Speaker 1>still exist together. And here's though, what I keep coming

62
00:03:48.639 --> 00:03:54.759
<v Speaker 1>back to. Our relationship isn't disappearing, it's just changing shape.

63
00:03:55.520 --> 00:03:58.319
<v Speaker 1>The little girl who wanted to play dolphin school at

64
00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:01.520
<v Speaker 1>the pool is become a young woman who, one day,

65
00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:04.400
<v Speaker 1>I hope will want to sit across from me with

66
00:04:04.479 --> 00:04:07.280
<v Speaker 1>a cup of coffee and actually tell me about her life,

67
00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:11.080
<v Speaker 1>not because she feels obligated or because I ask one

68
00:04:11.159 --> 00:04:15.000
<v Speaker 1>hundred questions, but because she wants to. And that's not

69
00:04:15.120 --> 00:04:18.399
<v Speaker 1>the same relationship that we have now. So it might

70
00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:21.399
<v Speaker 1>be the end of this part of our relationship, but

71
00:04:21.439 --> 00:04:24.720
<v Speaker 1>it's just the next chapter starting before I was ready

72
00:04:24.759 --> 00:04:27.160
<v Speaker 1>to close the last one. And I don't think it's

73
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:29.040
<v Speaker 1>just a gramma thing either. I think a lot of

74
00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:33.160
<v Speaker 1>us parents, grandparents, anyone who's loved a kid as they

75
00:04:33.160 --> 00:04:35.959
<v Speaker 1>grew up goes through this exact moment more than once,

76
00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:39.680
<v Speaker 1>because nobody prepares you for how many smogabies are falling

77
00:04:39.720 --> 00:04:45.240
<v Speaker 1>into raising or grandparenting a child. We're so focused on

78
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:48.079
<v Speaker 1>the big milestones that we don't notice we're saying goodbye

79
00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:52.680
<v Speaker 1>to something every single year, every single month, all the time.

80
00:04:53.040 --> 00:04:56.319
<v Speaker 1>And I think retirement now introduces us to that kind

81
00:04:56.360 --> 00:05:00.199
<v Speaker 1>of emotion even more, like over and over and over again.

82
00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:02.240
<v Speaker 1>And nobody really talks about it. People worry us about

83
00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:05.360
<v Speaker 1>our finances. They tell us to stay active, They remind

84
00:05:05.399 --> 00:05:08.959
<v Speaker 1>us to exercise, to volunteer, to find hobbies, all wonderful advice,

85
00:05:09.639 --> 00:05:12.639
<v Speaker 1>But nobody also tells you that retirement and I guess

86
00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:16.040
<v Speaker 1>aging is full of all of these little, quiet goodbyes.

87
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:20.360
<v Speaker 1>Not the dramatic goodbyes, just little ones like the last

88
00:05:20.360 --> 00:05:23.399
<v Speaker 1>time your grandchild asks you to play a borgame, the

89
00:05:23.480 --> 00:05:25.120
<v Speaker 1>last time they want you to push them on a

90
00:05:25.199 --> 00:05:28.800
<v Speaker 1>swing who, the last sleepover where they still want Grandma

91
00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:31.240
<v Speaker 1>to read a story. The last Christmas where everyone sleeps

92
00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:36.680
<v Speaker 1>under one roof okay, the last family vacation before everybody's

93
00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:39.879
<v Speaker 1>schedule becomes too busy. The last time maybe your adult

94
00:05:39.959 --> 00:05:42.160
<v Speaker 1>child calls just because they need your help fixing something,

95
00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:44.800
<v Speaker 1>because now they already know how to fix it. Oh

96
00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:49.720
<v Speaker 1>my goodness. You rarely recognize these moments while you're living them.

97
00:05:50.160 --> 00:05:53.879
<v Speaker 1>It's only afterward that you look back and realize, oh,

98
00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:58.959
<v Speaker 1>that was the last time. And I think that's why

99
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:02.279
<v Speaker 1>they hurt so much, not because something has been taken away,

100
00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:07.800
<v Speaker 1>but because you didn't realize you were saying goodbye. Retirement

101
00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:11.439
<v Speaker 1>seems to magnify those moments. Maybe it's because we finally

102
00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:14.639
<v Speaker 1>have time to notice them. When we're busy raising kids

103
00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:17.759
<v Speaker 1>and working full time, life races past us, but retirement

104
00:06:18.079 --> 00:06:21.800
<v Speaker 1>slows us down and we pay attention. We notice the

105
00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:26.680
<v Speaker 1>traditions that slowly change, the grandchildren who suddenly seem taller

106
00:06:26.920 --> 00:06:31.040
<v Speaker 1>every time they visit. It's really a strange kind of grief.

107
00:06:31.600 --> 00:06:35.639
<v Speaker 1>There's no funeral, there's no tragedy. There's just love that's

108
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:41.560
<v Speaker 1>quietly changing shape. So today I'm just letting myself miss

109
00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.079
<v Speaker 1>the little girl who thought Grandma was the most fun

110
00:06:44.199 --> 00:06:47.639
<v Speaker 1>person in the world. Well, I get to know the

111
00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:51.879
<v Speaker 1>young woman she's becoming. I'd love to know has anyone

112
00:06:51.920 --> 00:06:55.079
<v Speaker 1>else felt this? How has your relation changed with your

113
00:06:55.120 --> 00:06:59.519
<v Speaker 1>grandkids or even your own kids changed as they become teenagers?

114
00:06:59.560 --> 00:07:01.759
<v Speaker 1>As they tell me in the comments I do read

115
00:07:01.839 --> 00:07:06.240
<v Speaker 1>every one, I'm more integrad This is like start a retirement.

116
00:07:06.680 --> 00:07:09.800
<v Speaker 1>I produce a retirement lifestyle video What's weak and subscribe

117
00:07:09.800 --> 00:07:13.680
<v Speaker 1>if you want more honest conversations about this chapter of

118
00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:19.519
<v Speaker 1>your life. Actually, what's like thanks ing your retirement? Remarking